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[Scene: Manor. Paige's room. Paige is there lying on her bed, talking on the phone.] Paige: Hey, it's so good to talk to you. I was getting worried about you. You've been gone for far too long, Glen. Glen: Yeah, I'm sorry, I-I should've called and let you know that I was alright. I guess I, uh, ended up staying a little longer than I thought. Paige: That's okay, you'll just have to take me to dinner tomorrow night to make it up to me. Glen: Dinner... I-I can't tomorrow night, Paige, I got plans. Paige: Oh. Glen: I still wanna meet you though, I mean, I really wanna see you. (Paige flips through a photo album with pictures of her and Glen inside.) Paige: Good, 'cause, um, there's actually something I really want to talk to you about. Glen: Really? Sounds mysterious. That's actually great because there's something that I really wanna talk to you about too. Paige: Great. Then it's a date. (The room creeks and Paige ignores it.) Uh, so I'll see you at 11:00. Glen: 11:00 is good, 11:00 is great. (The phone cradle starts to slide across the side table by itself.) Usual place at the lake? Paige: (to the moving phone) Damn it, no! Glen: Or we can meet wherever. (The phone floats into the air.) Paige: Stop it I said. Glen: Stop what? Paige: Uh, nothing, I'll just, um, yeah, see you tomorrow, it'll be great. (Paige pulls the phone out of the wall and sighs.) [Cut to Piper's bedroom. Leo is asleep in bed. Piper is in the nursery mumbling to herself. Leo reaches over to Piper's side of the bed and wakes when he feels she's not there.] Piper: I am so sick of this. Leo: Piper? Piper: Hm? Leo: What are you doing? (Leo sits up. Piper walks out of the nursery carrying a packet of diapers.) Piper: I'm putting the diapers back where they belong, that is what I'm doing. (She puts the diapers on a shelf.) Leo: But it's 2:00 in the morning. Piper: Yeah, well, apparently our little ghosts and goblins are not sleeping, so how can I? I wish they would just attack us rather than move stuff around. (She goes back in the nursery and picks up a pile of diapers from under the crib. She takes them into the bedroom and places them on the shelf.) Leo: I told you, they're not ghosts, they're-they're pests. Residual energy left over from all the demons you vanquished here. Besides, the Elders said they would dissipate over time. Piper: Yeah, okay, well, they're not dissipating. It's getting worse. They're, like, organising and they're making it impossible for me to keep the baby things in order. Leo: I know, but it's 2:00 in the morning. (Cackling and groans heard. Piper looks at the shelf and the diapers are missing. She goes into the nursery and the diapers have shown up under the crib.) Piper: Ohh, I'm telling you, Leo, they are trying to drive me crazy. (They hear a cow bell clang and Phoebe chanting in a very loud voice.) What was that? (Piper and Leo go out into the hallway. Paige walks into the hallway from her room. Phoebe walks down the stairs chanting, ringing the cow bell and waving an incense stick.) Paige: What the hell is going on? Phoebe: Hi. Piper: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: I am cleansing the house. (She continues chanting.) Leo: At 2:00 in the morning? Phoebe: Shh! (Everyone listens for a moment and then Phoebe continues chanting. She walks down the stairs to the first floor.) Piper: Phoebe. Phoebe! (They all follow.) [Cut to downstairs.] Piper: Phoebe, hold it! Phoebe: What? What? What? Piper: You're polluting the place. What is that crap? Phoebe: The strongest purification in the Book of Shadows. Paige: You think that's gonna help? Phoebe: It better because Cole's residual evil is taking on a life of its own. And look at my hair. I woke up, it was in a ponytail. I did not put it in a ponytail. Piper: And you think Cole is connected to this? Phoebe: Well, yeah, after all the time he spent here, how could he not be? This house needs some serious feng shui-ing. Piper: Oh, give me that! (She grabs the burning incense and cow bell off of Phoebe.) Leo: I'm telling you guys, it's all harmless. It's gonna go away by itself. (A vase of flowers rise off a table and floats past them. Then the chandelier shakes and doors open and close. The vase drops and smashes on the floor. A white ghost-like mist floats in and grabs Phoebe, pulling her up above the stairs.) Piper: Phoebe! Paige: Piper, blow it up. (Piper tries to blow it up and blows up part of the ceiling instead.) Phoebe: Whoa! (Piper tries again and blows up another part of the ceiling.) Do something! Paige: Electricity! Poltergeists don't like electricity. (Piper blows up the ceiling light and the sparks electrocute the poltergeist. It lets go of Phoebe and she falls onto the stairs.) Oh. Phoebe: You were saying? Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Paige's bedroom. Paige is there putting on some makeup. She then does her hair and tries to choose an outfit. She finds one she likes and puts it on.] [Cut to the downstairs hallway. Piper and Leo are cleaning up the blown up ceiling plaster and Phoebe is in the dining room flipping through the Book of Shadows.] Phoebe: Why are you so sure that it wasn't a poltergeist? I mean, it definitely didn't like getting zapped, that's for sure. Leo: I know, but poltergeists are spirits, this was more like a manifestation. Phoebe: A manifestation of what? Cole's left over energy? Leo: Well, not just Cole's but every bit of evil that's been through here. It seems to be coalescing into this some sort of being. Piper: Gee, you think? Leo: I know, I'm sorry, I underestimated it. It's just I've never heard of it getting this bad before, that's all. Piper: Well, you're forgiven, now how do we get rid of it? Leo: I don't know. Phoebe: Don't worry, I will find a way. Where there's a ying there's a yang. Piper: Okay, I have no idea what that means but I do know that I can not raise a child in this environment, people. Phoebe: Piper, you're not due for another couple of months. Piper: Exactly, I am running out of time. (Paige comes down the stairs.) Paige: Good morning! How do you like my outfit? Piper: You look like you are not gonna help clean up. Paige: You have got that right. I'm gonna go meet Glen. And besides, isn't everything just gonna get messed up again anyway? Piper: Bite your tongue. Leo: A little dressed up for Glen. Looks more like you're going on a date. Paige: Maybe I am. Phoebe: Excuse me? Did I just hear correctly? You and Glen together again? Paige: I hope so. I kinda wanna talk to him about that. Phoebe: Really? Fascinating. Piper: Haven't you and Glen dated many times before? Paige: Yeah, kinda been hanging out on and off since high school, you know. Piper: I see. So you think maybe this time it might work out? Paige: I hope so. Especially 'cause lately, I'll be out on a date and I just wind up thinking about him. Phoebe: Proof of love. Leo: At least he knows you're a witch, you won't have to hide anything. Paige: That is a very good point. Piper: Alright, Sally, go meet Harry. Good luck. Paige: Thank you. If you need me, you know I'm just an orb away. Just holler. (Part of the ceiling falls on top of Piper.) Uhh. Piper: Would now be a bad time? Phoebe: Hey, hey, I think I found something. [Time lapse. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are in the kitchen making a potion. The potion explodes.] Leo: A witch doctor? Phoebe: Okay, liverwort and a pinch of dragon root. Paige: Dragon root. Phoebe: Okay. (Paige throws some dragon root in the pot.) Paige: Got it. Leo: Wait, shouldn't we be talking about this? Phoebe: What is there to talk about, Leo? It says right here that they expel evil spirits. Leo: Still, that doesn't mean they're good. Witch doctors are kind of a wild card, that's why the Elders don't want us working with them. Piper: Well, sometimes we don't wanna work with the Elders, so we're even. (Phoebe and Paige giggle.) Besides, do you have a better idea? Leo: No. Phoebe: Okay, then. Get the snakeskin ready and after I read the spell, then you throw it in. "Free us from the ties that bind, of evil magic intertwined, we call upon the one who cures, he who's to the dark injured." Paige: You ready? (She throws in the snakeskin and the potion explodes. Magical lights rise out of the potion a man in a black suit appears near by.) Man: How may I be of service? Paige: Are you a witch doctor? Witch Doctor: Let me guess. You were expecting someone with a bone through the nose and a shrunken head necklace, perhaps? Phoebe: Yeah, actually, yeah, yeah. (He sighs.) Witch Doctor: You make this huge effort to change with the times. It's always the stereotypes that persist. Now, where is the evil? (He looks under the kitchen table and so do the girls.) Piper: Uh, here, there, everywhere. (He pulls a voodoo doll out of his pockets and holds it out in front of him.) Witch Doctor: Ever vanquished a demon in this house by any chance? (Phoebe chuckles.) Phoebe: Oh, only about a hundred. Piper: Give or take. Phoebe: Another hundred. Witch Doctor: Explains all the evil energy I'm sensing. This is going to take some time. Paige: Yeah, well, can you do it? Witch Doctor: Absolutely. May I? Piper: Go for it. (The witch doctor leaves the kitchen.) Leo: I'm gonna keep an eye on him. Paige: Alright, I'm gonna go see Glen. Phoebe: I have to go to work. (Paige kisses Piper's head.) (to Piper's stomach) Goodbye, my little baby, I love you so much. Piper: Um, but... (Phoebe and Paige leave.) Uh... Well, hey, don't worry about me. I'll just clean this all up by myself. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks out of her office holding a newspaper. She storms over to Elise.] Phoebe: Did you see what that turkey did? Elise: Good morning, Phoebe, how are you? Phoebe: It's a full page ad. Spencer Ricks is challenging me with this, this chauvinistic crap. Listen to this. "Ask Phoebe says every woman needs to find her own inner goddess", right? Spencer Ricks says, "That's fine as long as she cooks and cleans". Can you believe that? Elise: He's just trying to drum up publicity by being controversial. Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's not gonna work. Is it? Elise: It's working so far. The daily readership is up because of his advice column and we're a little down. Phoebe: Well, what are we gonna do? I mean, we can't just ignore this. Elise: We're not. As a matter of fact, the other editors and I have decided to fight fire with fire, if that is, you're open to it. Phoebe: Absolutely. Whatever it takes to vanquish the competition, I'm all... You know, defeat the competit... I'm just a very competitive person, you know. Elise: Oh, I've noticed, which is why I think you're gonna like our little plan. We've arranged a photo shoot for you. Today at 3:00. Phoebe: A photo shoot? Elise: 415 is doing an expose on local celebrities. We want you to be apart of it. Phoebe: I don't know, Elise. Elise: Oh, it's all gonna be very tasteful of course. Although, I want you to be free to show off any of your lovely... assets as you feel comfortable. Phoebe: Elise, I don't know if I can do that. I mean, why stoop to that? You know, I am an advice columnist. I'm not some playmate. Elise: Okay. I respect that. (She turns to leave but stops.) Although, you should know that Spencer Ricks will be in the issue. Phoebe: What time did you say I have to be there? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Park. Paige is there standing near a large lake. Glen walks up to her.] Glen: Paige? Paige: Hi! (They hug.) Glen: I like your hair. Paige: Thank you. Glen: Serious hug. Paige: Yeah, well, I missed you. Glen: I missed you too. You look really great. Paige: Thank you, so do you. Um, how was your climb? It was the Matterhorn, right? Glen: It was awesome. Uh, there was a lot more people there than when we were there though. Paige: That's too bad. Glen: So what about you? You kill any demons lately? Paige: Of course, but I probably shouldn't talk about that here. Glen: Right, right, sorry. (He laughs.) Sorry. So... Paige: So... Glen: Wh-. Paige: Okay, you go first, I insist. Glen: Okay, well, I'm getting married. Paige: What? Glen: Yeah, I wanted you to be the first to know. After my parents, of course, but... Paige: You're getting married? Glen: Oh, here she is, here-here she is. Jessica. (A beautiful blonde woman approaches them.) Jessica: Sorry I'm so late, I couldn't find parking anywhere. Hi. Paige: Hi. Jessica: You must be Paige. Glen's told me so much about you. It's nice to finally meet you. Paige: It's great to see you. (She laughs awkwardly.) Glen: So what did you wanna tell me? [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Leo and the Witch Doctor are there. An electrical bolt, flowing out of the Witch Doctor's voodoo doll, has a hold of the evil spirit. The evil spirit screams and is sucked into the voodoo doll. The Witch Doctor sighs in relief and chuckles.] Leo: I hope you got it. Witch Doctor: That was a little bitty baby one. The big mamma's still hiding somewhere. But I'll find her, don't you worry. (He walks around the room.) These walls are clogged with evil waste. The worst I've ever seen. Sure these are good witches that live here? Leo: The best. Although, one of them is going to go very evil on us if we don't get this room cleaned up in a hurry, believe me. Witch Doctor: Is that a fact? Leo: Well, not literally. All I mean is that you need to finish up here in a hurry, that's all. Witch Doctor: I understand. (The Witch Doctor picks up a lipstick and goes to put it in his pocket until Leo sees him.) Leo: What are you doing? Did you just take something? Witch Doctor: You mean this lipstick? I'm having trouble differentiating between the witches magic and evil. Personal items help me separate them better. That's if it's alright with you of course. Leo: I guess. Witch Doctor: You don't trust me, do you? Pity. Witch Doctors help rid the world of dark spirits. Now I would think that you'd think that was a good thing. [Cut to the foyer. Piper's there. Leo and the Witch Doctor walk down the stairs.] Piper: Hey, I heard an explosion. What's going on up there? Leo: Don't worry, everything's okay. Piper: I am a little worried and I need to know if this is going to work or not. Witch Doctor: Once I catch big mamma, it'll all be over with. Piper: Big mamma? Who's big mamma? Leo: I don't know. (Paige barges through the front door.) Paige: He's getting married, that dirty rat. (The Witch Doctor walks into the living room.) Piper: Who? Paige: Glen. He's getting married to some bimbette he met climbing the Matterhorn. Piper: At Disneyland? Paige: No, Switzerland. Oh, but me? I'm lucky because I got an invitation to the wedding. (She holds up the invitation and rips it in half. She throws it on the floor.) Piper: Hey, pick that up. [Cut to the living room. The Witch Doctor is looking at a picture of Piper, Phoebe and Paige. He clicks his fingers and the photo magically appears in his hand.] [Cut to in the foyer.] Paige: I mean, I was on the phone with him. He had plenty of time to tell me about this, but no, he couldn't mention a single thing. Lucky, lucky me I didn't say what I really wanted. Ugh, really, I think I would have died. (A groaning sound is heard.) Leo: Excuse me. (Leo goes into the living room.) Piper: Uh, so what are you gonna do? Paige: Do?! Well, I'm gonna kill him. (Paige sighs.) No, I'm gonna apologise because I'm a good girl. I was a little bit rude, especially to her. Although, I don't know what he sees in her. She's not his type at all. She's blonde! (Suddenly, Leo comes crashing through the wall. Piper and Paige go over to him. They hear a scream and the Witch Doctor has a hold of "Big Mamma" with an electric bolt. He struggles to suck her in.] Witch Doctor: That's it! Stand back! (He sucks in Big Mamma with his voodoo doll.) Gotcha. (Paige sees their blown up TV.) Paige: Oh, I guess I'm not watching the Osbournes tonight. Piper: (to Leo) Are you okay? (He groans.) Leo: Yeah. (The Witch Doctor spots Paige's car keys near by. He wiggles his fingers and the keys appear in his hand. Leo gets up.) Witch Doctor: My work here is complete. Your house has been cleansed. (He disappears.) Piper: Hm. Doesn't look very cleansed to me. (She looks at the destroyed living room.) [Scene: Witch Doctors' Lodge. Fellow Witch Doctors sit around the room. The Witch Doctor appears in the room.] Head Witch Doctor: Well? Witch Doctor: The house has been purged, although how it became infested in the first place is very troublesome. Head Witch Doctor: Go on. Witch Doctor: Whoever these witches are, they're magnets for evil, it's drawn to their powers. Head Witch Doctor: Can they withstand it? Witch Doctor: Doubtful. They're easily distracted by the pettiness of their lives. Sooner or later evil will overtake them, and along with it, their powers. Head Witch Doctor: Then we must eliminate them. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper and Leo are there cleaning up.] Piper: Ugh. Didn't we just do this? Leo: Yeah, and I still think you should've made Paige stay and help. Piper: Well, apparently she has her own mess to clean up. Leo: Well, hopefully we don't have to do this again anytime soon. Piper: Are you kidding me? With exploding demons and trampling sisters, this place is a disaster area always. I have no idea what it's going to be like when the baby comes. Leo: Well, I'm more concerned with the Witch Doctor right now. Piper: Why? Because he took my lipstick? Leo: And Paige's keys. Piper: You don't know that he took those. I mean, she loses her keys daily. Leo: Well, maybe. All I'm saying is there's something not right with that Witch Doctor, that's all. Piper: Well, he took care of the things that go bump in the night, so that's all I care about. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Whoa, what happened in here? Piper: We've been healed. Phoebe: Really? Way to go, doc. I gotta go change. Piper: Why? Where are you going? Phoebe: To a photo shoot. To compromise my integrity. I'm going to kill the competition. Piper: Alright then. Whatever that means. (Phoebe goes upstairs.) Leo: Hey, uh, picture's missing. Piper: What? Leo: The one of you and Phoebe, Paige? It went right here. Piper: Maybe it fell out. Leo: No, it was glued in. Piper: Come on, why would he want a picture of us? Leo: I don't know, I'm not a witch doctor. All I'm saying is he obviously wanted it for something. Phoebe: (from upstairs) Hey! Who stole my toothbrush? (Piper looks at Leo.) Piper: I'll go make the summoning potion. Leo: I'll go check with the Elders. [Scene: Witch Doctors' Lodge. The Witch Doctor and the Head Witch Doctor are there making a potion.] Head Witch Doctor: If these witches are as powerful as you say they are, how will you kill them? Witch Doctor: By attacking them as humans. Women. (He picks up a voodoo doll and wraps Paige's keys around it.) Which each likeness, I'll turn their character flaws into obsessions. Obsessions that will consume them. Destroy them. (He puts the voodoo doll into the pot.) [Scene: A church. Glen, Jessica and a priest are there. Paige walks in.] Paige: Uh, Glen? Glen: Excuse me. (Glen walks over to Paige.) Paige: You're mad? Glen: No, I'm not mad, Paige. I'm just confused. What happened to you this morning? Why were you so mean to Jess? Paige: I wasn't mean, necessarily, I was just rude. Glen: Fine, whatever. Why? Paige: I guess I felt like you just kind of came along and dropped this huge bombshell on me. I was hurt. Glen: Hurt, why? (She doesn't answer.) Wait, you thought you and I... Paige: No. No, I didn't think that at all. (Jessica comes up to them.) Jessica: Glen, the minister's waiting. (Suddenly, Paige's eyes glow, then return to normal.) Paige: Uhh. Glen: Are you okay? Paige: I'm fine. Jessica, I wanted to apologise for not being friendlier earlier, I really am sorry. Jessica: Thank you. Thanks for saying that. Paige: I just don't understand what Glen's doing with such a blonde bimbette. Glen, Jessica: What? Paige: And really, who's the surgeon who does those boobs, because they are fantastic. I should get the number for a friend of mine. Glen: Paige, what the hell is wrong with you? Paige: Me? Well, nothing's wrong with me. I'm not the one marrying the wrong woman. Jessica: Oh my god. (Jessica walks away.) Glen: Wait, Jessica, Jessica. What are you doing? [Cut to the Witch Doctors' Lodge.] Witch Doctor: Next. (He puts another voodoo doll with Piper's lipstick attached to it in the pot.) [Cut to the manor. Kitchen. Piper is making a potion.] Piper: Liverwort, dragon's root... (Leo orbs in.) Leo: How close are you to summoning him? Piper: Uh, a little bit of snake skin and a bad rhyme away. Why? Leo: Well, the Elders think the Witch Doctor's been stealing your stuff to put a hex on you. Piper: A hex? For what? Leo: He thinks you're evil too, which is why the sooner you summon him the better. (Piper's eyes glow and then turn back to normal. She walks over to the sink.) Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Cleaning up. (She starts to wash the dishes.) Leo: Right now? Piper: You know, you can never really get a dish sanitary enough, can you? (She throws a plate in the trash.) Dirty. (She throws another.) Dirty. (And another.) Dirty. Leo: Piper, what is the matter with you? Piper: What is the matter with me? I don't know. (She looks at the windows.) Are those water spots? (She blows up the window.) Much better. Leo: Okay, alright, you keep cleaning and I'll be back with help. (He orbs out. Piper continues to throw plates in the trash.) [Cut to the Witch Doctors' Lodge.] Witch Doctor: Last but not least. Phoebe. (He throws the last voodoo doll with Phoebe's toothbrush attached into the pot.] [Scene: Photographic Studio. Phoebe is sitting on a beach chair holding The Bay Mirror newspaper. A photographer is taking photos of her.] Photographer: This is excellent! Excellent! Good! Excellent. You're a natural at this. Phoebe: Oh, I don't know about all that. I'm not even sure why I'm doing all this actually. Photographer: You're doing this to throw Spencer Ricks out of the water, honey, and we both know it. A little more skin wouldn't hurt. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: Oh, no, I can't do that. Photographer: It's your career. Reload! (A guy takes his camera. Phoebe's eyes glow. Leo goes over to Phoebe.) Leo: Phoebe. Phoebe: Leo, what are you doing here? Leo: I've gotta get you home. Something's wrong with Piper. Photographer: Excuse me? Who are you? Leo: Me? I'm her brother-in-law. Photographer: Well, good for you but this is a closed set. Buh! As in buh-bye. Leo: Sorry, but there's kind of a family emergency. Photographer: (sarcastic) Oh, sorry, I should've realised. (Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: No, it's okay. I'll stay. (She takes off her dress to reveal a two-piece bathing suit underneath. She leans against a prop tree.) Photographer: Okay, um, we're shooting. Get the fan going, we're shooting, we're shooting, and we're shoo... Um, brother-in-law person, can you disappear? (Leo walks away, shocked.) Excellent! Beautiful. [Scene: Church. Jessica walks out of the building with Glen following.] Jessica: So, what, now you're defending her? Glen: No, Jess. All I'm trying to say is that's not like Paige. Jessica: She insults me, humiliates me and now you're trying to explain it. Glen: No, she was out of her head, she didn't know what she was saying. Jessica: Oh my god, don't even try. She knew exactly what she was saying to me, Glen. Glen: She didn't mean it. I'm telling you. I've known her forever. Jessica: Well, then fine. Why don't you marry her? (Jessica walks away. Glen goes back inside. Jessica goes over to her car and gets in. Paige is sitting in the passenger seat.) Paige: Rough day? (Jessica gasps.) Jessica: What are you doing in my car? Paige: Waiting for you. (Paige orbs out with Jessica.) [Cut to a rocky ledge above a fiery pit. Paige orbs in with Jessica.] Paige: Careful now, you wouldn't want to fall. Jessica: What happened? Where am I? Paige: You pissed off a witch, that's what happened. Jessica: What? (Paige orbs out and leaves Jessica there.) Help! Help! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe is there making a potion. She throws something in and it sparks.] Phoebe: Oh! This is gonna be fun. Okay, feather, feather, where do we keep the feathers? (She looks in a cupboard. Piper walks in from the basement carrying plastic covers.) Piper: Oh my god! You've made a mess! Phoebe: Where's the feathers? Piper: What do you want feathers for? Phoebe: Killer potion for Spencer Ricks. Piper: Oh. Second cabinet, under F. I alphabetized. It's much more orderly. (Phoebe looks in the second cupboard.) Phoebe: I see it. Perfect. (She pulls out a jar of feathers.) Okay. (She goes back to the potion.) What are those? Piper: Slip covers. To keep the furniture clean. Although I've come to the conclusion that we should probably just stand from now on. Phoebe: Whatever. Okay. (She throws a feather in the pot and the potion makes a small explosion.) Piper, just so you know, I may have to flee the country, but just for a little while. And I will call you, okay. (Phoebe fills a vial with the potion.) Piper: Oh, no you don't, Missy. There will be no fleeing the country until you clean up after yourself. Phoebe: No-no-no-no-no, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm possessed. (Phoebe races out of the kitchen.) Piper: That is not an excuse! [Scene: Church. A changing room. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Paige? (Paige pokes her head around a changing screen.) Thank god you're here, we have serious problems. Paige: Like what? (Paige comes out from behind the screen, wearing a wedding dress.) Leo: Like... why are you wearing a wedding dress? Paige: Because I'm going to get married. (Paige morphs into Jessica.) Thanks to my Whitelighter powers. Leo: Oh, no. Jessica/Paige: I can convince Glen to move up the ceremony before that crazy ex of his gets in the way again. Clever, huh? (She looks in the mirror.) Hmm, nose job, should have guessed. Leo: Paige, you can't do this, this isn't you. Jessica/Paige: It is now. At least until after the honeymoon and then maybe I'll switch back. (An organ starts to play.) Mm, that's my cue. Leo: Okay, wait, stop, I can't let you do this. (Jessica/Paige orbs out and orbs back in behind him.) Should've seen that coming. [Cut to the aisle. Glen is standing at the end of the aisle dressed in a suit, with the Priest beside him. Jessica/Paige starts walking down the aisle. Leo runs after her.] Leo: Paige, Paige. (He stumbles over her dress.) Paige. Jessica/Paige: Watch my train. Leo: Listen to me, you are under a hex. The witch doctor's done this to all of you. Glen: Hey, hey. Leo: Look, you can fight a hex. You just have to reach deep down... Glen: What's your problem, Leo? Get outta here. Leo: Look, I'm sorry, Glen, but this-this isn't what you think it is. Glen: Oh, no? So this isn't Paige's, uh, brother-in-law trying to ruin my wedding? Jessica/Paige: That's what it looks like to me. Leo: Paige. Glen: Did you just call her Paige? Leo: Look, Glen, you know about this family. You know what sort of wacky things can happen. Can we just go somewhere and talk? Jessica/Paige: No. Sweetie, I'll handle this, okay? Go back to your position. Please. I'll be right there. (He does so.) Leo: Paige. Where's Jessica? Jessica/Paige: Hell if I know. Leo: What does that mean? What did you do to her? Paige, you better not have hurt an innocent. Jessica/Paige: Well, she's not that innocent. After all, she tried to steal Glen away from me, didn't she? (Jessica continues to walk down the aisle. Leo runs out of the church.) [Scene: Outside The Daily. Spencer Ricks is there. He walks past a beautiful blonde woman and turns to check her out. Phoebe walks over to him.] Phoebe: Well, at least you practice what you preach. Spencer Ricks, right? Spencer: That's right. You a fan? Got a pen? Phoebe: No, actually, I'm your competition. But instead of stooping to your level, I decided to come and confront you personally. Spencer: That's right. Pheeble Halliwell as I live and breathe. Your billboards don't do you justice. You have a nice rack. You ought to show it off a little bit more. Phoebe: You know, I don't mind losing readers to a legitimate writer. But some misogynistic pig that's a fraud. Spencer: Ow, ow, that hurts. I'm not a fraud. I mean what I write. Phoebe: Oh, do you? Spencer: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, baby. Oh, wait, that's a woman's place, isn't it? So then you wouldn't have anywhere to go, would you? (He turns his back and starts to walk away. Phoebe gets the potion out of her bag.) Phoebe: You know what? You're a turkey! And turkeys don't write columns. (She throws the potion at Spencer and he turns into a turkey.) But they do make delicious dinners. [Scene: Manor. Parlor. The couches are covered in plastic. Leo walks down the stairs.] Leo: Piper? Where are you? (He walks into the living room. There is cleaning equipment everywhere.) What the? What? Piper? (He hears a noise and goes outside. He sees Piper standing on a ladder which is leaning up against the house.) Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Heads up! (She throws a roof tile on the ground.) I'm replacing this roof. It's filthy! I told you this place was a wreck. Leo: Look, Piper, I need you to help me find Paige. Piper: I'm not talking to her until she cleans up her room. Leo: But it's about Glen's fiancé. I think she's done something to her, something terrible. (Piper comes down the ladder.) I need you to help me find her. Piper: Busy. Leo: Piper, you need to snap out of it. Okay, this isn't about you guys anymore, it's about an innocent and if she dies... (They hear a turkey gobble and look to see Phoebe getting out of her car carrying the turkey.) Phoebe: A little help here. Piper: What are you doing with that thing? Phoebe: Well, first I'm gonna kill it and then I'm gonna stuff it. Piper: You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house. Phoebe: Yes, I am. Thanksgiving's early this year. Piper: Do not get any blood in that kitchen. (Phoebe goes inside.) Leo: Phoebe, can I talk to you a minute? (He starts to follow her in and steps in a muddy puddle. Piper blows him up. Leo orbs back in.) What'd you do that for? Piper: Like hell you are bringing those muddy shoes in my house. Leo: Like hell. Paige said like hell. Jessica. (He orbs out. Piper looks up at the roof.) Piper: This is taking far too long. [Scene: A rocky ledge above a fiery pit. Jessica is sitting there scared out of her mind. Leo orbs in. She screams and panics.] Jessica: Please don't! Please don't. Please don't. Leo: It's okay, I'm here to help you. Jessica: I don't know how this happened. I don't know who you are. Leo: There's no time to explain everything, just know that I'm here to save you. It's okay, you can trust me. (She takes his hand and they orb out.) [Cut to the church.] Glen: I promise to love you, trust you and honour you with all my heart, Jessica, forever. Priest: Jessica. (Leo and the real Jessica runs in.) Leo: Wait, stop the wedding. Jessica: Glen. (She goes over to him.) Glen: What the hell? Leo: They're twins and he was gonna marry the wrong one. Priest: Oh. Leo: Maybe we could just give them a minute. Priest: Sure. Right. (The priest walks away, confused.) Glen: Paige? (Jessica/Paige morphs into Paige.) But why? (Paige's eyes glow and the hex is removed.) Paige: Glen, I can explain. (to Leo) What have I done? Leo: There's no time. We need to get home and save your sisters before they destroy themselves. (Leo and Paige orb out.) [Cut to outside the manor. Piper is there sweeping the footpath. Leo and Paige orb in. Paige notices she's still holding the bunch of flowers and throws them into the bush.] Leo: Piper, I brought Paige so she can help you. Piper: Oh, that's okay. I don't need any help anymore, it's already done. Except for the sweeping. Leo: What do you mean? Paige: I think I know. (They look up to the house but it's gone. Only a cement slab remains.) Piper, what'd you do with the house? Piper: Well, I thought it would be better to start from scratch. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The footpath. Piper continues to sweep.] Paige: Piper, you can't just vanquish an entire house. Especially not our house. People are gonna notice. Piper: Oh, I didn't vanquish it, silly, I cast a vanishing spell. It's like a good dusting, only better. But I am gonna have to do something about these steps. Paige: (to Leo) Okay, you've gotta figure out a way to fix it, like you fixed me. Get her out of this hex. Leo: But it's individual. You seeing Glen distraught over Jessica is what shocked you out of the hex. Paige: Okay, well, you need to figure out a way to shock her out of it. Leo: I think I know a way. Piper. Piper: Mm? Leo: Where's Phoebe? Piper: Phoebe? How should I know? Leo: Remember she came into the house with a turkey? Paige: Turkey? Leo: Piper, when you made the house disappear, you also made Phoebe disappear. Piper: No, she didn't... Leo: Yeah. Piper: No! I wouldn't. (Her eyes glow and she runs up the stairs. Paige and Leo follow. They walk into the space where the house once was.) Phoebe! Oh my god, what have I done? Leo: The spell, Piper, you need to reverse it fast. Piper: I'm not sure I can. Paige: Well, then you better make us disappear because this one's gonna be tough to explain. Leo: You can do it, Piper, come on. Piper: Uh, uh. "Let the object of objection return so its existence may be reaffirmed." (The walls and roof magically appear and the house is visible again.) Paige: Nicely done. Piper: Is that a wedding dress? Paige: You just noticed? (They hear a turkey gobble in the kitchen.) Leo: Phoebe. [Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe has the turkey on the table and is about to chop its head off with a butcher's knife. Leo runs in and grabs her arm.] Leo: Don't! (The turkey jumps off the table.) Phoebe: Let go of me! I have to kill Spencer! Paige: You named the turkey Spencer? Piper: That's no turkey. I think that's Spencer Ricks. Leo: The other advice columnist? Piper: Well, she said she was gonna kill the competition. Paige: Okay, we gotta break the hex. Leo: Any ideas how? Piper: Yeah, actually. Take her to the attic and keep her away from that turkey. Phoebe: Yeah, take me to the turkey. (Leo orbs out with Phoebe.) Piper: We're gonna pay a little house call to that Witch Doctor. [Cut to the Witch Doctors' Lodge. The Witch Doctor and the Head Witch Doctor are there.] Head Witch Doctor: Success. Witch Doctor: It's only a matter of time before they destroy themselves. Paige: Talk about premature jubilation. You gentlemen might wanna see a doctor about that. Witch Doctor: How did you get here? Piper: With the powers you apparently didn't want us to have. Good powers, by the way. Very good. Paige: Powers we might have to use against you. (Piper goes to blow them up.) Head Witch Doctor: Wait, don't! If you were truly good, we're on the same side. We felt you couldn't handle all of the evil spirits you attract. Piper: Well, we attract them for a reason, doc. So that we can get rid of them. You get rid of us, you'll have more problems than solutions, trust me. Paige: See, we might be slightly off, but we're off in a good way. Piper: Now you're gonna reverse the hex on our other sister, or it will be your last. [Cut to the manor. Attic. Phoebe is walking towards Leo holding the butcher's knife.] Leo: Phoebe. Phoebe. Piper! (Phoebe's eyes glow and the hex is removed. She notices the butcher's knife.) Phoebe: Oh, dear. Leo: Phoebe, is that you? Are you back? Phoebe: Yeah. What's going on? Leo: I just, I think you have some issues, competitive issues. Phoebe: I don't understand. (She hears the turkey gobble.) Oh, no. Spencer Ricks? [Scene: Manor. Paige's room. Paige looks at a photo of her and Glen. She then paces around the room.] [Scene: Park. Glen is there in front of the lake. Jessica walks up to him.] Jessica: Hi. Glen: Hi. You said you wanted to talk? Jessica: No, I, got the message that you wanted to. (Paige arrives.) Paige: Actually, I sent the message. I didn't think you guys would come if you knew I wanted to meet you. Jessica: Look, I'm outta here. Paige: Please just stay and hear me out. Look, I know what I did was awful. In my defence I was under a spell. I know magic and all this is a lot to swallow, Jessica, and I don't blame you guys if you never trust me. Glen: It's not that we don't trust you. Jessica: I don't trust her. Paige: Fair enough. But I will say this. The spell broke because I hurt you and I hurt you because I hurt Jessica. It's pretty obvious that you love her and she loves you. You guys are meant to be together, I get that now, I do. And I know that we're just meant to be friends. (Paige walks away. Glen and Jessica hug.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Leo is there wiping down the bar. He knocks a bowl of peanuts onto the floor. Piper and Paige approach the bar.] Piper: Oh, oh, that's alright, we'll clean it up later. Paige: Uh, are you feeling okay? Piper: Very funny. Leo: You're kidding me. That's not killing you just leaving a mess there? Piper: No, not at all. Okay, maybe a little, but not a lot. Look, if there's anything I've learned from all this, it's that I've gotta learn to deal with messes. Especially with a baby coming, 'cause I hear they come with a lot of messes. Paige: I've heard some things about that too. Leo: Well, that's good that something positive came from the Witch Doctor. (Phoebe walks up to them carrying a magazine.) Phoebe: Yo-hoo! Hi. Piper: Hey, Pheebs, what's cooking? Phoebe: Oh, if you're talking about Spencer Ricks, not him. I turned him back into the pig that he was and unfortunately he won't remember any of it. Leo: Glad to see you're not competitive anymore. Phoebe: Yeah, no, I don't think I have to worry anymore about him taking my readers. Paige: And why would that be? Phoebe: Well, because, uh... (She shows them the cover of the magazine which has Phoebe on the cover.) Paige: Whoa. (Paige takes the book.) Piper: Oh no. Phoebe: Oh, yes. Piper: Why ask Phoebe when you can see her. Phoebe: Talk about journalistic ethics, right? (Paige flips through the book and unfolds another picture of Phoebe.) Piper: Oh! (Phoebe giggles.) Paige: No retouching. Good times. Piper: Yes. Phoebe: Okay, give me that. Paige: No. (Paige gives the book to Leo.) Piper: Run. Paige: Run. (Leo takes off.) Phoebe: Leo! (Phoebe runs off after Leo.) Leo!

Plan: A: demonic vanquishes; Q: What is the residue left from? A: the sisters; Q: Who does the Witch Doctor try to kill? A: sleep; Q: What do the sisters lose when demonic vanquishes build up in the manor? A: their lives; Q: What does the demonic residue take over? A: Leo; Q: Who does not trust the Witch Doctor? A: the Charmed Ones; Q: Who does the Witch Doctor make a house call to? A: demonic energy; Q: What does the Witch Doctor believe the sisters are full of? A: voodoo dolls; Q: What does the witch doctor use to make the sisters obsess? A: cleaning; Q: What does Piper become obsessed with? A: Paige; Q: Who becomes obsessed with marrying her ex-boyfriend Glen? A: Phoebe; Q: Who becomes obsessed with eliminating her work rivals? Summary: When residue left from demonic vanquishes builds up in the manor, the sisters lose sleep and it takes over their lives. They call upon the Witch Doctor, whom Leo does not trust. The Witch Doctor makes a house call to the Charmed Ones but because of the massive amount of demonic energy he believes they are evil. It turns out that Leo was right not to trust him, as he tries to kill the sisters by using voodoo dolls to make them obsess and lead them down various paths of destruction. Piper becomes obsessed with cleaning, Paige becomes obsessed with marrying her ex-boyfriend Glen, and Phoebe becomes obsessed with eliminating her work rivals.

[INT. SCOTT REDISENCE - BATHROOM - DAY] (There's a green towel wrapped around Lucas' waist and he's wearing a white t-shirt. He's standing in front of a steamed up mirror and looking down into the sink basin.) LUCAS: (v.o) Octavio Paz once wrote; Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition... (He wipes the steam off the mirror with a hand. He studies himself.) man is the only being who knows he is alone. (Lucas continues to look at himself. His hair's grown. He turns to exit. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Shot of the table with breakfast on it. Dan is standing and reading the paper. Lucas walks in, rubbing his eyes.) DAN: (Folds the paper and puts it away.) You know, if Bogans keeps drilling threes, the Cats will be tough to beat. How'd you sleep? LUCAS: Fine. DAN: Great, grab a plate. LUCAS: Ah, actually, uh... (Points back.) I usually grab something on the way to school. DAN: Come on, sit. We're civilised here. (Smiles and raises his mug to drink.) (The door opens.) DEB: (Still outside. Lucas looks back.) Dan? (She walks in.) I'm home. DAN: We're in the kitchen, Deb. (Deb sees Lucas as she walks in.) DEB: Oh,... Lucas. LUCAS: (Looking down.) Hey. (Deb is extremely confused.) DEB: Uh,... where-where's Nathan? DAN: Nathan's not here, Deb. Lucas is gonna be staying with us for a while. DEB: Wh-what?(!) (Lucas glares at Dan.) LUCAS: You didn't tell her. DAN: (Smirking) You better get to school. (Lucas scoffs and turns to leave.) (They wait until he's gone before speaking.) DAN: Nice work, Deb. That should make him feel right at home. (Drinks from the mug.) DEB: This isn't him home, Dan. (Walks into the kitchen so she can drop her bags.) What were you thinking? I'm gone three days and you invite Lucas to stay in our son's room without asking me?(!) DAN: Hey, Lucas is my son too, Deb. And before you start getting upset, there is some good news. DEB: Like what, Keith's moved into the guest room? DAN: (Pleased) Haley left Nathan. DEB: (Pause) When?(!) DAN: A few days ago. Its happening, Deb. Just like we hoped it would. DEB: Well, how is he? He must be devastated. DAN: Well, ask him yourself. When he moves back in. DEB: (Daring to hope.) He's moving back in? He said that? DAN: Not yet, but trust me,... it's just a matter of time. (Smiles widely as he drinks.) (Deb tries to hide her delight but it's not working too well.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Brooke and Peyton walk toward the school.) BROOKE: OK, I still can not believe Haley left Nathan for Chris. PEYTON: She didn't, OK? She left for herself. The tour is an amazing opportunity. BROOKE: Yeah, to screw up her marriage. PEYTON: OK, just because she is married does not mean she has to give up her dreams. OK? She's really, really talented. BROOKE: I know she is and that's great but you don't think Chris has anything to do with this? PEYTON: (With certainty.) No, I don't. She is not into him. She told me. BROOKE: OK, let's think about what Nathan was when Haley met him; (Ticks it off her fingers.) good looking, rude, sexy, arrogant and talented. PEYTON: OK, right, like Chris. BROOKE: Yeah, and then Haley changed Nathan, for the better, but I'm thinking maybe she misses that challenge. PEYTON: You really think she changed Nathan? BROOKE: Yeah(!) I mean, before Haley, Nathan was, like, the 'bad-boy of Tree Hill'... and now he's just... (Frowns) 'Pod Nathan'. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Nathan sits on the couch playing on his Playstation. He hasn't shaved, the place is a pigsty and Nathan's clothes don't look very clean. He's barely moving at all. The camera zooms in on him. His hair is lying flat for a change.) (Nathan's playing NBA Shootout.) (The doorbell rings and Nathan looks back. He stops that game and stands to answer the door with a sigh. Lucas stands there, leaning on the doorjamb - his favourite position.) LUCAS: (Gives him a once-over.) ...Dude,... you look like @#%$. NATHAN: You should smell me. (Laughs a little.) LUCAS: Um... you know, I haven't seen you around school lately. You mind if I come in? NATHAN: Actually, Um... now's not really a-a good... good time. (Looks up at him with a frown.) (Lucas nods and looks around the apartment.) LUCAS: You know, man, I... I'm really missing Haley. She aint even bothered to call me. (Nathan glares at him.) It must be harder for you. NATHAN: Yeah, it's twelve weeks. I'll be fine. We'll, uh... we'll work it out when she gets back. LUCAS: (Nods) I'm just concerned, man. NATHAN: ...Yeah, well don't be. (Shuts the door right in his face.) (Lucas looks at the door before walking away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKER - DAY] (Jakes locker opens and he takes things out of his bag. Peyton walks up behind him.) PEYTON: So, you left early this morning. JAKE: (Turns to look at her.) Yeah, well I had to drop off Jenny at my mom's and then... stop by the café, talk to Karen. What's going on? PEYTON: Well, um... Ted Leo is doing an in-store-run rally tonight; do you wanna go? JAKE: (Regretfully) I can't. PEYTON: Come on, it's gonna be fun. JAKE: Yeah, well, fun's not really an option these days. I mean, other than Jenny; school, finding a job, there's not really room for anything else. PEYTON: (Sadly) Yeah. (Nods) Sure. I understand, it's cool. (She nods and he turns and closes his locker.) (Peyton looks down as Jake walks away. She doesn't move. Jake stops and looks back.) JAKE: You coming? (Peyton smiles awkwardly, nods, and walks to him. They walk off-screen together.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke walks down the corridor. She is not smiling.) ERICA MARSH: (Sticking a CD in her face.) Campaign CD? BROOKE: No, I'm more of an MP3 girl(!) (Brooke rolls her eyes and walks away. The camera follows Erica. Whitey comes into the shot, looking down at some pages.) ERICA MARSH: Coach Durham! (Whitey looks up.) I was wondering if the election week schedules were out yet. WHITEY: (Smiling) Yeah, hot of the press. (Hands her a schedule.) ERICA MARSH: (Taking it.) Thanks(!) (Looks at it.) Oh, if you want, I could give Brooke Davis hers next period. We have Health together. WHITEY: Well, that's nice of you, Erica. (Gives her Brooke's.) I was afraid you girls'd be pulling each others pigtails by this time. (Whitey laughs as he walks past and Erica laughs forcedly.) (She turns to his retreating back and her smile falls. She folds Brooke's schedule up and puts it into her bag. With a last backward glance, she walks away, still handing out her CD.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke and Peyton bump into each other at the door.) BROOKE: Oh, (Takes Peyton's arm and they walk.) I know I've been a little busy with the election but how could you hold out on me like this? PEYTON: What? BROOKE: Don't play dumb with me, blondie. You've been playing house with Jake Jagielski- PEYTON: Oh. BROOKE: -and you weren't gonna tell me? PEYTON: (Dismissively) That, that's nothing. BROOKE: Oh! I would say that living in a house together, with a baby, is definitely something. (Peyton laughs nervously.) BROOKE: Next thing I know, you're gonna tell me you two have been sharing a bed. (Peyton stays silent, eyes open and trying to avoid Brooke's eyes.) BROOKE: (Shocked) P. Sawyer! (Peyton smiles to herself.) (Brooke almost attacks a young student.) BROOKE: (Gasps) Hey, Freshman, hang these up for me, (Tosses her posters at him.) thanks. (She takes Peyton's arm again.) BROOKE: OK, gimme details. (Peyton laughs.) PEYTON: Sadly, there aren't any. Jake's made very clear that he doesn't have time for anything detaily. (Brooke refuses to accept that and shakes her head.) BROOKE: OK, no, forget what he says because I have seen the way that that boy look at you(!) PEYTON: (Puts her arms around Brooke's shoulders.) OK, don't you have Health class? BROOKE: I think I'm healthy enough(!) I have watched you mope over this guy for weeks; now you have him... in your bed. (Looks at her curiously.) PEYTON: So? BROOKE: So take a chance. (Peyton gapes and sighs as they walk off-screen. The bell rings) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - DAY] (Lucas is sitting in his chair, looking down.) TEACHER: OK, so we're gonna pick up where we left off, discussing the process of mitosis. (She walks to the front of the classroom and Nathan's standing in the doorway.) The- (She stops when she sees him. He walks to his chair.) TEACHER: Well, Mr Scott, long time no see. (Nathan looks at her, smirks and sits in his seat in front of Lucas.) TEACHER: OK, so as we discussed last time, mitosis is the process by which a single cell separates- (Her voice is drowned out as Lucas leans in to talk to Nathan.) LUCAS: (Quietly) It's about time you pulled yourself together. NATHAN: (Goes through his bag.) Whatever. I'm only here coz my Playstation broke(!) (Pulls out a can of malt liquor and puts it onto the desk.) (Lucas stretches forward and grabs at his shirt. Nathan pops the can open.) LUCAS: Hey, man, are you nuts?(!) (Girls near the front turn at the noise of the hissing can.) TEACHER: (o.s) Prophase. (Lucas looks at Nathan who takes a swig of his drink. Lucas looks up at the teacher, uneasily.) TEACHER: (o.s) Pro-metaphase, anaphase and t- (She stops as she sees Nathan. Some people giggle.) (She walks up to him, arms crossed.) TEACHER: OK, please tell me you are not drinking beer in my class(!) (Nathan looks down, into his bag.) NATHAN: Technically, it's malt liquor. TEACHER: Nathan! NATHAN: It's OK. (Smiles up at her, another can in his hand.) I bought enough to share. (He sets it down onto the desk of a Chinese guy with very thick glasses.) (The teacher stomps forward to grab the cans as Lucas covers his eyes.) TEACHER: (Taking the cans.) Come with me please(!) NATHAN: (Laughs and picks up his bag.) That's a nice skirt Miss. Ham. You know, I bet if more teachers dressed like sluts, attendance in this place would skyrocket. TEACHER: (Stiffly) Funny(!) Principle Turner's gonna love that one. (She turns around and walks out of the classroom. Nathan shrugs and follows her. Lucas watches them miserably.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is on the bed the phone to his ear, looking desperate.) LUCAS: Haley, it's me. (Pause) I don't know if you're even getting any of these messages but please call me. It's... Nathan. I'm worried about him. (He shakes his head. Not knowing what else to say, he shuts the phone.) (He sighs and looks at the screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BATHROOM - EVENING] JAKE: (o.s) Hey, Peyton, you ready? (Peyton is standing in front of the mirror, messing with her hair.) JAKE: (o.s) Let's go. (She continues to mess with her hair.) PEYTON: Yeah, just one second. JAKE: (o.s) (Amusedly) I just saw you, you look great. Come on. (Peyton stops messing with her hair and smiles delightedly. She looks at her reflection one last time before walking into her bedroom.) (Jake is sitting on her bed with Jenny. She's fussing and Jake is trying to calm her down. He looks up at Peyton. She watches the pair.) JAKE: (Frowning) She feel a little warm here. (Stands) (Peyton walks to them.) JAKE: You think she caught something? PEYTON: (Looks down at Jenny.) I don't know. (To Jenny.) Hey, come here. (Jake hands her over, still worried.) How you doing, girly-girl? (Peyton holds her up.) PEYTON: (Smiling) How you feeling? (Jenny throws up on Peyton's jacket and top - which is kinda difficult seeing as how Jenny was facing away. Peyton gapes down at her clothes.) PEYTON: OK, not good, I guess. (Jenny grabs at Peyton but Jake takes her back.) JAKE: Here. (Takes Jenny.) Here, here. PEYTON: You've got her. (Jenny starts to fuss again.) JAKE: Oh, it's OK. It's OK. Here... uh... (Holds up a baby wipe to Peyton.) you- (Peyton laughs and takes the wipe. Jake groans. Peyton wipes at her top.) JAKE: You go ahead. She can't go out like this. (Wipes Jenny's mouth.) PEYTON: (Still wiping the top.) Stop it, I will go with you. We'll take her to the doctor. JAKE: With what?(!) (Peyton looks at him.) I don't have health insurance. (He looks back down.) (Peyton looks before turning away and picking up a box on her desk.) PEYTON: You know what, um,... (She opens the box.) here. (She takes money out and walks to Jake.) PEYTON: It's the emergency money my dad left me. (Holds up the money.) JAKE: Peyton, I can't- PEYTON: Jake(!) Come on, what's a bigger emergency than a sick baby? (She smiles and waits for him to take it.) (Jake doesn't want to but he takes it.) JAKE: You're pretty great, you know that? PEYTON: Yeah, I have my moments. (Smiles) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - COUNTER - DAY] (Andy sits at the counter, grading assignments. Lucas enters the café. He looks around before approaching Andy.) LUCAS: Hey, Andy? (Andy looks up.) Uh... you seen my mom? (Andy looks to the back as Karen walks through, carrying a plate of washed glasses. She pauses briefly as she sees her son.) KAREN: (Continuing forward.) (With reservation.) Lucas. (Lucas watches her as she continues on her way. Andy, feeling uncomfortable, closes the assignments.) ANDY: (Closing his pen.) I think I'll grade these somewhere else. (Takes his things and leaves.) LUCAS: (Forcefully polite as he indicates the glasses.) You need help with those? KAREN: (Shakes her head.) Got em. (Looks up at him with hostility.) I didn't expect to see you today. (Pause) Sit down, have a drink. (Lucas smiles and leans over the counter. He's not sure what to say.) LUCAS: I just wanted to see how you were doing. KAREN: What does Dan have over you? LUCAS: (Sighs and looks away.) Mom- KAREN: It's gotta be something because I've gone over this a million times and there's... not other explanation... as to why you would choose to live with that snake. So, unless you wanna tell me... (Lucas tries to speak but he can't do that to her so he struggles but keeps quiet. Karen gives up.) KAREN: That's two bucks for the soda. (She turns and walks away. Lucas looks around, torn.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (The doorbell rings incessantly and Dan answers the door. Jules stands there, a wedding dress in one had and a livid expression on her face.) JULES: (Holding the bunched up dress up.) You wanna explain this?! DAN: (Snarkily) Looks like a wedding gown. JULES: No one asked you to pay for my dress! DAN: You know, most women woulda just sent a thank you note, but if you're gonna yell at me, at least come inside. (He steps aside and Jules stomps in while throwing glares at him.) (They walk into the living room and Jules turns to him.) JULES: I want you to stay away from our wedding! DAN: Speaking of your wedding, (Sighs) what exactly were you planning to do about guests? (Pause) I mean, considering this whole thing is just an elaborate ruse designed to bring down my brother. (Pause) I'm guessing that having your parents there might be a bit of a downer. (Pause) I could lend you mine but... nah(!) JULES: I love your brother, Dan. Why won't you just leave us alone?! DAN: (With an evil look.) Because Keith slept with Deb. (Pause) Besides, I didn't pay you to fall in love with him. JULES: You know what? (Throws the dress behind.) Screw it! I'll just tell him the truth. (She walks to the door.) (Dan walks further into the room.) DAN: Yeah, you could do that. Risky though. (She stops and turns to him.) Uh... Keith's no catch but I'm guessing even he'd have trouble dealing with this one. (Smirks) (There is a prolonged pause as Jules evaluates her position.) DAN: Hm. (Nods) You like chess, Jules? (Walks to the chess set.) Keith and I used to play all the time; until he got tired of losing. (He sits in front of the set.) There's a manoeuvre, it's called the Fork. (Picks up a piece.) Where you take one of your pieces and attack two of your opponents' pieces. (Smiles) Basically, forcing him to choose which way he wants to lose. (Jules, arms crossed, closes her eyes. She knows that she's stuck. There's nothing she can do but see this through.) DAN: Makes it fun coz you get to watch them squirm. Sorta like the situation you're in now. I mean, you could tell Keith about our arrangement, break his heart... which of course, was my plan all along. JULES: (Disgustedly) What is wrong with you? DAN: Or you could go through with the wedding,... put on the pretty dress,... and spend the rest of your married life, knowing I have the luxury of telling him anytime I want. Either way, in the end, I win(!) (Dan stares her down.) (Jules waits for a beat before turning, grabbing the dress and walking out, without looking at him.) DAN: (Looks at the chess set.) Checkmate. (Zoom in on Dan's evil face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT (STOCK) - DRIVEWAY - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Shot focuses on Nathan's notice of suspension before panning to show him rummaging through the underwear drawer. He takes out the clothing he bought for Haley at the lingerie shop when Brooke organised their serial date last year. He looks at it and sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - SIDE - EVENING] (Lucas is walking around the side of Nathan's apartment, intent on visiting his brother in his time of need.) DAN: Lucas? (Deb and Dan emerge from the back. Lucas turns to them.) DEB: (Walking faster.) We got a call from the principle. LUCAS: Yeah, I was just checking on him. Uh,... but since you guys are here. (Begins to leave.) DAN: Stay(!) You're his brother; you should be here for this. (Walks to the door of the apartment. Deb follows him after giving Lucas a brief smile.) (Lucas shakes his head slightly as Dan knocks.) (Nathan opens the door and looks at them all.) NATHAN: (Snarkily) Look who it is; the Scott family. DAN: Sorry, I thought my son lived here. Kinda looks like you, (Enters) only less pathetic(!) DEB: (Trying to act like the caring mother.) We heard about Haley, honey. What happened? (She enters too.) NATHAN: (Stops and turns around with a frown.) Like you care(!) (Lucas moves behind him.) (The door slams closed.) DEB: We do care, Nathan... all of us. NATHAN: Right, mom, and you just showered Haley with hugs, didn't you? (Deb looks away.) Well I hate to disappoint you guys but she'll be back in a few weeks. LUCAS: Look, Nate. NATHAN: You can shut up(!) By the way. DEB: How can you live like this, Nathan? This place is a pigsty(!) Eh, you're skipping school, you're drinking in class. DAN: (Playing the fatherly card badly and knowing it.) It's not worth it, son. Pissing your life away over some girl. NATHAN: (Offended) Some girl?(!) (Walks to hid father.) She's my wife, dad! DAN: (Smirking) Really? Well someone may wanna tell her that(!) (Nathan pulls back and punches his father hard in the face. Dan crouches in pain. Deb makes various sounds of distress and Lucas moves forward to stop Nathan.) LUCAS: Hey, come on! (Puts his hands out to separate them.) (Dan touches the blood that has appeared on the side of his mouth with equal parts interest and bemusement. He stands up straight and nods to his son.) DAN: Nice punch, son. It's good to see there's still a man in there somewhere. (Nathan sighs and leaves him own apartment. Lucas is caught in the middle of it all, not knowing what to do. He looks at Dan in exasperation.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Deb opens a pizza box and sees half of a pizza inside.) DEB: (To herself.) Oh, Nathan. (She sighs and puts it into a big, black, garbage bag. There's another one sitting by the door.) (She cleans up after him, picking up all the mess he's left behind. She picks up a picture of Nathan and Haley and looks at it before putting it in a picture frame of them at the beach on their wedding day.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Her face is set as she walks past people, many of whom are sporting stickers that read 'I Slept With Brooke Davis But I'm Voting For ERICA MARSH'. Brooke walks forward to a guy in a letterman jacket - also wearing the sticker - and grabs him.) BROOKE: Come here! (Pushes him against the grate.) First of all; (Takes the sticker off.) No, you didn't, and second of all, (Waves it in his face.) where did you get it? GUY: It's a joke(!) BROOKE: (Puts a hand under his jacket and twists.) Spill! (He cries in pain and inclines his head to somebody behind her.) (Brooke turns her head and spots Erica. She rushes to Erica angrily.) BROOKE: ERICA! (Erica stops and turns.) BROOKE: (Stops in front of her.) Veeeery clever(!) ERICA MARSH: Thanks, cleverness does come in handy in politics. Unlike, say, cheerleading which is about, what, short skirts and who can make the bitchiest pyramid? (Smirks) BROOKE: (Scoffs) Oh, that is it. Tomorrow, you're going down(!) ERICA MARSH: (Mock worriedly.) Are you sure? Coz, from what I've heard, 'going down' is really more your style(!) (Erica pauses as Brooke stares. Erica walks off.) (Brooke screws up the sticker and walks the other way.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Jake enters Whitey's office with Jenny. He knocks on the door. Whitey looks up.) WHITEY: Oh, sorry. This is the athletic department. Mommy and me classes are around the corner at the 'Y'. (Walks to his desk and takes his glasses off.) JAKE: Good to see you too, coach. (Enters) WHITEY: Jagielski,... for someone who's eager to get back in school, you've got a funny way of showing it. JAKE: Oh, sorry. Jenny's been sick. I had to stay home with her. WHITEY: (Looks at Jenny with concern.) Sick, huh? Here, do you mind? (Takes Jenny off Jake.) (Jake frowns suspiciously.) JAKE: You know anything about babies, coach? WHITEY: Oh, I know more than they know bout me. (Looks at Jenny.) JAKE: (With a laugh.) Right, look, I know that you've done a lot to get me back in here but... any mistake I make with Jenny could just make it easier for a judge to give joint custody to Nikki. WHITEY: Mistake, huh? You mean like dropping out of school? JAKE: (Smiles) I know. (Evaluates and sighs.) You're right. WHITEY: Hell yes, I'm right. Now get your- (Stops as he looks at Jenny.) A-S-S back to class, I'll take care of little Miss. Jagielski here. (She starts to fuss.) Shush. JAKE: (Thinking for a moment.) OK. WHITEY: Go, get outta here. (Whitey turns to his desk again.) JAKE: Thanks. Thanks, coach. (Jake waves and leaves the office.) (Whitey lowers himself into his chair.) WHITEY: Well, I hope you didn't inherit your daddy's free-throw percentage. (Kisses her on the cheek.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton is going through her records when Nathan enters. She looks at him.) PEYTON: Nathan(!) (Looks down.) Hey. (She puts the record back.) NATHAN: (Hollowly) You heard from her? PEYTON: (Shakes her head after a lengthy pause.) No. (Nathan walks into her room and sits on her bed. Peyton follows him and sits next to him.) PEYTON: I would have never booked that show if I'd known that Chris was gonna be there. NATHAN: (Shakes his head.) Not your fault. Haley's a big girl; nobody made her get on that bus. (Sighs) Except for, maybe me. (Peyton puts her hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him, but he stands. Peyton looks away.) NATHAN: So, uh,... you and Jagielski. (Peyton raises her eyebrows.) What's the deal? You two, uh,... you together? (Peyton's uncomfortable discussing the topic with her ex-boyfriend.) PEYTON: (With a strained smile.) No. W-we're just... (Frowns) I don't really know what we are. (Nathan looks at her and picks up Jake's shirt.) NATHAN: Looks, uh,... looks pretty serious to me. PEYTON: (Shakes her head.) Not really. I don't... think there's a possibility for me and Jake for... a lot of reasons. NATHAN: (Nods) Yeah, trust me; you're better off anyway. Love sucks. PEYTON: Nathan. NATHAN: No, think about it; Dan and Karen,... you and Lucas,... (Peyton looks away.) me and Haley. (He sighs and looks at the drawing of the traffic lights she did last year. The caption above reads; 'PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE'.) NATHAN: You got it right, Peyton. People always leave. (He leaves the bedroom. Peyton stares, open-mouthed, unsure of what to do. She contemplates and looks at Jake's shirt.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is lying in bed, awake. A car horn beeps outside, repeatedly. Lucas looks to the side.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - FRONT DRIVE - EVENING] (Nathan's car is parked outside. Lucas walks out and finds Nathan, leaning against his car and waiting for him.) LUCAS: Hey. NATHAN: I just had to see it for myself. LUCAS: (Walking up to Nathan slowly.) See what? NATHAN: This, you, here. LUCAS: (Trying to explain.) Look, Nathan, it's complicated. NATHAN: You're a fraud, Lucas. There's nothing complicated about that. (Lucas nods.) LUCAS: Look, why don't you just come inside, man? NATHAN: Oh, so now you're going to invite me into my own house? LUCAS: (Trying to calm Nathan.) It's not like that. NATHAN: No, it is like that, Lucas. It's exactly like that! (Pause) You realise I wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for you? (Lucas looks at him sadly.) If you would have stayed in your place at the Rivercourt, I would have never met Haley. (Lucas knows he doesn't mean it.) ...You ruined my life, man. LUCAS: Nathan(!) NATHAN: You better watch your back. (Gets into his car and drives away as Deb comes out of the house.) DEB: (A little way from Lucas.) What did he want? (Lucas watches the road for a while before turning to his stepmother.) LUCAS: Haley. (They exchange saddened looks. Deb walks back into the house as Lucas turns back to where Nathan drove off.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke is handing out coupons for a free makeover if people vote for her. Girls are sitting in front of round mirrors with lights, putting on make-up and such.) BROOKE: (Handing out coupons.) Vote for Brooke! Get a make-over. Let's put a whole new face on Tree Hill High, people. (She smiles and continues walking.) BROOKE: (To a random student.) Here you go. (Holds out a coupon.) (She smiles until she comes upon one of her cheerleaders.) BROOKE: Damnit, Bevin! (Bevin is talking to Erica who leaves quickly. Bevin looks at Brooke guiltily.) BROOKE: (Watches Erica walk off.) What was that? Did Erica just convince you to vote for her?(!) BEVIN: No, but... she made some good points. BROOKE: (Hurt) Bevin(!) BEVIN: She said that if you were elected president, that you wouldn't have time for the cheerleading squad and you are... like the best captain ever(!) BROOKE: (Smiling) So? BEVIN: Brooke, the cheerleading squad needs you; so much more than America does. BROOKE: (Frowning sympathetically.) Bevin, you realise I'm not running for president of the United States, right? (Bevin straightens and walks away, clearly confused.) (Brooke gapes at her, shaking her head. Lucas walks up to her.) LUCAS: (Indicating Brooke's campaign.) Wow, make-over... booth looks very popular. BROOKE: Yeah, but it doesn't matter because Erica is so much better at the dirty politicking than I am. LUCAS: Oh, come on, you can get dirty. BROOKE: (Shoving him playfully.) Lucas! LUCAS: (Laughs) Don't worry. (Brooke crosses her arms.) You'll be great. BROOKE: How do you know? LUCAS: (Shrugs) Ah, it's just a feeling. (Lucas watches him as he leaves. Whitey walks up at the back of the shot and stops just before entering his office so he can talk to Brooke.) WHITEY: Time to wrap up the beauty-bar Miss. Davis. (Brooke turns to him.) The Peer Endorsement Assembly starts in ten minutes. (Brooke smiles.) BROOKE: (Nodding) Will do, coach. (She stops him as he turns to enter his office.) BROOKE: Wait! (Whitey stops.) The what? WHITEY: Peer Endorsement. You know, where you introduce somebody who, uh, speaks on your behalf. (Off Brooke's bewildered expression.) Oh, you didn't forget, did you? (Annoyed) It was in the schedule that Erica gave you! (Enters his office.) (Brooke watches Erica trying to get a vote out of a guy in a wheelchair, completely flirting with him.) ERICA MARSH: You're gonna vote for me, right? (Guy nods.) OK. (She helps him with his books.) That is so- BROOKE: (Fuming) Oh, it was, was it?(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Andy walks into the dealership, set look in place. He's wearing a suit and walks past a cardboard cut-out of Dan. He sees Dan in his office and walks to the door of it. Dan turns his head to look at him.) DAN: (Flipping through papers.) It's Andy, isn't it? (Andy is so completely dwarfed by Dan and it's obvious. Andy is out of his league.) ANDY: (No smile visible.) That's right. DAN: What can I do for ya? ANDY: Well, it's a little awkward, actually. (Sighs) Kind of a favour, I guess you'd call it. DAN: (Smiles and puts his papers down.) OK. (Shrugs) ANDY: Let Lucas go(!) It's the right thing to do. And it needs to happen... now(!) (Dan doesn't know how to respond and smirks.) DAN: (Walking forward.) You got some balls, kid. (Grins widely.) But this is none of your concern. ANDY: Was none of my concern, until you hurt the woman I love. DAN: Oh,... it's love is it? ANDY: (Nods) That's right. DAN: Well, congratulations. (Eyes the door.) Now get outta my dealership. ANDY: Well, just so you know, mate, (Pause) I do tend to get what I want. (Dan walks right up to him, clearly showing their height difference.) DAN: Is that so? ANDY: (Nods) Yeah. It's the strangest thing; it just seems to happen that way. DAN: (Raises his eyebrows.) Hmm. (Nods once.) (Andy smirks and leaves. Dan suddenly doesn't look so confident. He turns away slowly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PEER ENDORSEMENT ASSEMBLY - DAY] (Erica stands up on stage, behind a podium, with the principle speaking on her behalf. A huge banner for council is hung behind them. A lot of students are sitting in chairs, listening to the speech. Many are holding signs.) PRINCIPLE TURNER: (Into the mic.) It was a thrill to be asked by Erica to be her peer advocate. (Erica smiles widely.) Because, in addition to being her principle,... I also consider myself her friend. (Camera pans to Brooke standing way behind.) PRINCIPLE TURNER: Now, of course there's a considerable age difference between us- BROOKE: That little @#%$(!) Double-crosses me and gets the principle to be her peer advocate(!) (Claps her hands and turns.) Great(!) PRINCIPLE TURNER: (o.s) -But in addition to being my friend, Erica is also a great friend to Tree Hill High. From organising food drives to raising money so- (Brooke smiles as she spots a guy working behind the curtain. The camera travels up.) PRINCIPLE TURNER: (o.s) -our folk dancing team could travel to the regional finals- BROOKE: (To the guys behind-the-scenes.) Hi. (He looks at her.) I'm gonna need you to do me a... little favour. (Cut back to the stage.) PRINCIPLE TURNER: And that's why I encourage you to vote for this marvellous young lady... who wasn't afraid to say; (With a cheesy smile.) hey world, get a load of me. (Lucas and Mouth sit and listen.) PRINCIPLE TURNER: I'm proud to endorse, your president, Erica Marsh. (Steps back and claps. A lot of claps are heard. Erica's smile hasn't left her face at all.) (Erica hugs the principle and people in the crowd hold up their signs. Lucas and Mouth clap politely.) WHITEY: Thank you, principle Turner. (Whitey steps up to the podium as Erica and the principle step away.) Now,... to introduce her peer advocate; here is candidate, Brooke Davis. (Whitey turns and waits for Brooke to step up. Brooke walks forward, waving with one hand while the other is behind her back. Bevin is in the crowd, clapping. Brooke steps in front of the podium, fake smile in place.) BROKE: Hi. Due to an... unforeseen circumstance, (Looks accusingly at Erica. Erica smirks cattily at her.) I arrived today without anyone to speak for me. (Smiles) But,... luckily, I had a volunteer, backstage(!) (Looks at Erica again.) And that person... (Brings her other hand forward to show a sock on her hand with a face drawn on it.) is Erica; the backstabbing sock puppet(!) (Smiles some more.) (The audience laugh sparsely. Whitey and the principle exchange looks. Whitey shrugs and Erica frowns, a little pale.) BROOKE: (Imitating Erica.) Hi, I'm Erica(!) I sure do stiiiink(!) And did you know that I have to cheat to win my elections, too? (Erica looks at the principle.) BROOKE: (Gasping as she addresses the puppet.) Oh, really? (The audience laugh more; Mouth and Lucas don't.) (Whitey walks up.) WHITEY: (Covers the mic.) I appreciate the attempt, hun, but you've got to have an actual person. BROOKE: (Hissing) I know that but I don't, because of Erica(!) MOUTH: (Standing up and walking forward.) I'll speak for her. (The crowd murmurs and Whitey turns to Mouth. Erica and the principle look around. Whitey asks Brooke, silently, if it's OK. Brooke doesn't know what to do; he smashed her window after all.) (Whitey and Brooke walk to the side.) RANDOM GUY: (From the crowd.) Do your thing, Mouth! (Lucas listens, curiously. Mouth steps up behind the podium. Brooke shoves the sock in Erica's face before dropping it.) MOUTH: (Sighs) We just heard principle Turner read a list of Erica's accomplishments. I could try to do that for Brooke but it would be kind of a short speech. (There are a few scattered laughs and Brooke eyes Mouth. He looks at her before turning back.) MOUTH: As you know, Brooke's probably one of the most popular people in school. Something I'm definitely not... and yet, she's my friend. (Brooke watches him.) She never cared what clique I was part of, the kinds of clothes I wore or... the fact that I have to ride the bus. (Brooke smiles slowly.) MOUTH: She looked past that stuff. (Pause) And when you think about it, isn't that what we want in our president, someone who can see past the superficial differences and bring us together? (The camera slowly zooms in on Brooke.) (Pause) This year, Brooke's had her share of ups and downs... just like all of us. (Pause) But most of you never saw it, coz even when life got hard, Brooke never let it in. (Lucas ponders Mouth's words.) She was just... (Smiles and shrugs.) Brooke; tough, smart, one of a kind. (Brooke smiles tearfully, Erica looks at her.) MOUTH: And I don't know about you but those are things that I look for in a leader. (Nods and looks at Brooke.) Brooke Davis is my friend. (She smiles happily. He looks back at the crowd.) But that's not why I'm voting for her. I'm voting for her because of her heart... and her spirit... and because she's the best person for the job. (Mouth leans back from the mic. Whitey smiles delightedly and starts clapping. The crowd claps too and it's deafening. Lucas smiles as he joins in.) (Mouth turns to look at Brooke. She mouths 'thank you' to him. She looks around with a big smile before winking at Mouth. He nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke is using a ladder to take down all of the campaign posters. She moves it from on side of the corridor to the other and climbs it. The school is deserted.) (Erica emerges from around the corner. Brooke pulls at a poster.) ERICA MARSH: (Walking forward.) You look pretty in that one. (Brooke pauses briefly and rolls her eyes.) BROOKE: Votes are in, Erica. You can stop bagging on me now. (Erica stops at the foot of the ladder behind Brooke.) ERICA MARSH: I mean it(!) You look pretty. (Brooke stops, holding her poster.) You always do. BROOKE: (Turns to her, almost.) Thanks. (Puts the poster on the ladder's platform.) What're you still doing here? ERICA MARSH: Just doing some work in the council office. (Brooke makes a face.) ERICA MARSH: Sometimes a job keeps you here late. (Erica laughs and Brooke rolls her eyes some more.) (Lengthy pause.) ERICA MARSH: Do you know why, every year, I have a faculty member speak on my behalf? BROOKE: Oh, I don't know, maybe because you're a hideous suck-up?(!) ERICA MARSH: Because I don't have any friends that would speak up for me like Mouth did for you today. (Brooke looks at her.) I mean, after all the great things he said, I almost voted for you. (Looks at her, eyebrow raised.) ERICA MARSH: (Scoffs) I didn't. BROOKE: Please, Erica, you know a ton of people, I'm sure there's someone. ERICA MARSH: Council president is who I am(!) It's all I am. (They look at each other.) ERICA MARSH: Anyway,... good luck tomorrow. (Smiles and turns.) BROOKE: (Uncertainly) Thanks(!) (Erica walks away. Brooke turns back, feeling slightly bad. She smiles a little.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Jake lowers Jenny into her cot. She's sleeping. He puts a cover over her.) JAKE: (Quietly to Jenny.) Looks like someone's finally getting sleepy, huh? (He stands up straight and turns to Peyton. She's in bed, smiling. He takes his short off.) JAKE: I guess we should try to grab some sleep while we can, huh? (Looks back at his daughter.) PEYTON: (Shiftily) That's probably a good idea. (He starts to get into bed and Peyton panics.) PEYTON: You know what, I'm... gonna spend the night in my dad's room tonight. (Jake stands back, confused.) JAKE: Why tonight? (Peyton can't explain because it would be too much like forcing herself onto him.) PEYTON: (Mouth open.) ...Actually, from now on. (Looks away.) JAKE: What, is Jenny keeping you up? PEYTON: Yeah, it's... not that. I'm just... really tired. (The tension is blatant.) (She smiles stiffly.) JAKE: You know what, this isn't fair. We'll go to my parents' house, OK? PYETON: No, don't go. (Pause) Really, it's fine. Please stay. I... (She pauses for too long and Jake finally seems to be getting it.) PEYTON: ...I'll see you in the morning. (She grabs a pillow and leaves the room.) (Jake watches her. She closes the door. He looks back down at Jenny and sits at the end of the bed before looking back at the door again.) (A phone rings.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is sitting on his bed, reading a book, as his phone rings. He looks at it, sees who it is as he picks it up and practically throws the book aside. He answers.) LUCAS: Hey(!) What, you don't call for... three days and then when you do it's at (Quickly looks at his phone screen.) one in the morning? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - TOUR - EVENING] (Haley walks around while talking on the phone. There are people everywhere backstage.) HALEY: Oh, Luke, I'm sorry. I just finished my set. It's-it's crazy here, there's so much to tell you(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] LUCAS: Yeah, wanna start with why you left without saying goodbye? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - TOUR - EVENING] HALEY: Ah, yeah, I fell awful about that(!) Um... everything just happened so fast. (She pauses as her guilty look puts in another appearance.) ...How's Nathan? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas sighs, shakes his head and sits up.) LUCAS: ...He misses his wife! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - TOUR - EVENING] (Haley closes her eyes.) HALEY: Lucas, don't do this(!) LUCAS: (Through the phone.) Do what?! He needs you. HALEY: He said that we were done. LUCAS: (Through the phone.) He didn't want you to leave. He's- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] LUCAS: He's so in love with you, Hales. (Shrugs) You gotta come back. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - TOUR - EVENING] (Haley doesn't say anything. A guy comes up behind her.) GUY: Haley, Michelle wants to see you in her dressing room. HALEY: (To the guy.) OK. (Pause) (To Lucas.) I gotta go. (Shrugs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas glares.) HALEY: (Through the phone.) I'll, um... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - TOUR - EVENING] HALEY: I'll call you later, OK? (Smiles but Lucas doesn't say anything. She hangs up, sighs, and turns away, walking off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas looks at his phone after Haley hangs up on him. He looks at it disbelievingly and shuts it, shaking his head. He sighs and puts his head in his hand.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL (STOCK) - DAY] (Students walk around the school before first bell.) WHITEY: (Through the speaker.) Good morning Ravens,- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke walks the corridors with a smile until she hears Whitey.) WHITEY: (Through the speaker.) -The ballot has been counted; the results from yesterday's student council election are in. (Brooke stops walking and waits with a sickening feeling washing over her.) WHITEY: (Through the speaker.) In the race for council treasurer, the winner is Vaughn Leiberwich. (Brooke can't take it and exits the school so that she can hear the results outside, alone.) WHITEY: (Through the speaker.) Council secretary; Tina Stone. (Brooke walks to the speaker, shaking he hands nervously. She leans against the nearest pillar.) WHITEY: (Through the speaker.) Council vice president; Salmon Sakajahari. (Brooke waits, squinting.) WHITEY: (Through the speaker.) And finally, your new council president;... (Brooke closes her eyes.) Brooke Davis. (Brooke opens her eyes, lets it process, before yelling to herself happily. She does a funny little jig before righting herself.) BROOKE: Oh! Thank you! (Rushes back to the school's entrance.) (She opens the door slowly and a lot of clapping and cheering is heard as students congratulate her. She slaps people's hands as she walks past. She smiles ans looks around, delighted at the reception.) (She sees Bevin and hugs her.) (People chant Brooke's name. Erica stands there, sad that she's lost her position. She smiles at Brooke before turning away. Brooke feels bad but turns away and laughs some more.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PRESIDENT'S ROOM - DAY] (Erica is loading her things into a red box. Brooke enters the office which is decorated to look a lot like a real president's room.) BROOKE: Erica. (Erica looks back at her.) Hey. ERICA MARSH: I was just... packing up. (Laughs shakily.) (Erica puts a lid on her box.) ERICA MARSH: I'm sorry... about not giving you the campaign papers. I guess it worked out for you anyway, huh? BROOKE: I guess. (Pause) Listen, I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, how being the president is all that you have. ERICA MARSH: ...Yeah...? BROOKE: (Smiles) Well it turns out that I have some experience in that arena. (Pause) Trying to define yourself as just one thing. ERICA MARSH: (Shakes her head, not understanding.) What d'you mean? BROOKE: I was always the rich girl. You know, with the nice car and the expensive shoes and the fancy house with the pool. (Pause) So when my parents lost their money,... figured my identity would disappear with it. ERICA MARSH: (Smiling) You mean, you're not rich? BROOKE: Eighteen bucks at Bargain Mart; my heels are practically bleeding. (Laughs sullenly.) I'm just saying, high school is not over. You know, there's other things to look forward to. There's friends and guys. And... (Raises her eyebrows.) the guys. (Erica nods and turns away.) ERICA MARSH: (Smiling at her.) There's a proposal in the top drawer; wireless internet for the cafeteria. (Smiles) I think it'd be great. (Nods.) BROOKE: (Nods along, expression puzzled.) Thanks. (Erica takes her box and heads for the exit.) (Brooke turns to her.) BROOKE: To tell you the truth, (Erica looks back.) I'm totally intimidated by this job. ERICA MARSH: (Smiling kindly.) It's funny;... you're scared of what's in here, I'm scared of what's out there. (Erica smiles and leaves the room anxiously.) (Brooke stands in the office - the desk behind her and pictures all over the walls. She sighs and looks around.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KAREN'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Karen and Andy are in bed.) ANDY: You thinking about Lucas? KAREN: What else? ANDY: I've been thinking about what I can do to help you. KAREN: That's sweet, Andy. (She's all but given up.) But I've looked at every angle... I'm gonna have to go through the courts. There's no other way. (Andy lies there, contemplating.) ANDY: Actually,... there is another way. (Karen looks at him but he doesn't elaborate.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Jake is holding Jenny as Peyton enters her bedroom cautiously.) PEYTON: Hey(!) JAKE: (Looks up.) Sorry, the crying keeping you up? PEYTON: (Shakes her head.) No. (Walks into the room.) (Jakes puts Jenny down.) JAKE: (To Jenny.) It's OK. It's OK. (Jenny continues to cry.) (He straightens up and stands before Peyton.) JAKE: You know, um,... I wasn't entirely honest with you, before. PEYTON: (Studies him.) About what? JAKE: The reason I came back. PEYTON: You said you were tired of running. JAKE: ...Yeah, but... that's not the only reason. (Peyton waits, not replying.) See, the whole time that I was gone, I kept... thinking about all this stuff that I should have... done... when I had the chance, but didn't. PEYTON: (Expectantly) Well, like what kinda stuff? (Jenny still cries in the background.) JAKE: ...I don't know. (Peyton looks at him for a beat, hoping against hope with a gut wrenching look.) Mostly being with you. (Beat before he leans in and kisses her. She puts her hands on his neck and it seems to go on forever. Peyton pulls back after some time, a happy expression crossing her face and Jake gasps a little.) (Peyton looks down.) PEYTON: Wow. (Laughs) JAKE: (Slightly dazed.) Yeah(!) PEYTON: No. (Jake frowns, hurt.) (Explaining giddily.) No-yeah-I mean, that too, um... Jenny. (Jake looks at her.) (Peyton puts a hand in her hair.) She stopped crying. (Jake laughs. Camera pans to Jenny who's lying there, all adorable and laughing approvingly.) (Peyton laughs, as does Jake.) (There's another pause before they kiss again, just as long as the last, Peyton bites his lower lip.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DUSK] (Nathan is playing basketball by himself. Karen walks onto the court. Nathan runs to get his ball.) KAREN: Nathan(!) (Nathan walks to her slowly.) NATHAN: Ms. Roe. What're you doing here? (They stop about three meters apart.) KAREN: Looking for Lucas. NATHAN: Why would Lucas be here? He's got his own court in Dan Scott's driveway. (Karen looks away sadly. She didn't need to be reminded of that. She lowers herself onto the bleachers. Nathan waits before sitting down next to her, putting the ball on the floor between his legs.) NATHAN: (Sighs) Ms. Roe, I'm sorry my dad was such a dick to you. (Karen nods.) I haven't really thought about it much until lately. (Sighs) I know that it must have really hurt you. (Karen looks out desolately.) KAREN: (Almost whispering.) I got over it. (There's a long pause as they sit there, contemplating. Nathan looks so lost.) NATHAN: When Haley told me about the tour,... I got mad at her. (Karen looks at him, feeling her own and Nathan's pain.) I told her that if she left with Chris, (Shakes his head, almost crying.) it was over. (He looks down and sniffs.) NATHAN: (Looks at her.) I didn't really mean it. (Looks away.) She left anyway. (Karen puts her arm around his back.) KAREN: (Whispering) Nathan(!) (Rubs his back as he shakes his head.) NATHAN: She's not coming back. (Looks at Karen for guidance.) What am I gonna do? KAREN: (Rubs his back some more.) Nathan, (Pause) I-I know what it's like to have the person you love walk away. Trust me. (Nods) But I-I know Haley and she's a good person. (There are tears in the corner of her eyes.) She'll do the right thing. (Nathan nods, sniffing.) You just have to have a little faith. (Nathan looks down and nods again.) (The camera zooms out as Karen pulls him in to her and hugs him from the side. She rubs his shoulder and looks down at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - ROAD - DAY] (Andy is sitting in his car as he talks on the phone.) ANDY: (Into the phone.) Bob? It's Andy. I've got a job for you. (Camera zooms out slowly to show the dealership. Andy looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Lucas and Dan sit at the table, eating breakfast. Lucas reaches for his glass.) DAN: (About the book near Lucas' breakfast bowl.) 'Call of the Wild'. You know, I've had that since high school? LUCAS: I hope it's OK that I borrowed it(!) DAN: (Nods) Please, it's nice to have someone around who cares about literature. (Lucas smiles and looks down.) London's great; a man's author. LUCAS: (Smiles) Kill or be killed. DAN: It's the way of the world. LUCAS: You know,... if you ever need any help down at the dealership, I could... come by after school sometime. DAN: (Nods) Thanks, son. (Pause) I'd like that. (They smile and continue eating breakfast.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS - DAY] (Mouth shuts his locker and Brooke is leaning against the one next to his, smiling.) BROOKE: Hey, Mouth. (Mouth smiles as he sees her.) MOUTH: Miss. President. BROOKE: (Giddily) I know, it does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it? (Mouth laughs.) BROOKE: But, you know what? (Shrugs) My friends just call me Brooke. (Mouth smiles happily and Brooke takes his arm. They walk down the corridor together, talking.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton sits on her bed. Jenny's on her knee and they are playing with bricks. Peyton holds Jenny still as she shoves a corner into her mouth. Peyton looks up and Jake sits down on the bed on Jenny's other side.) (Peyton picks up a red brick and imitates eating it. Jenny reaches for it and giggles. Jake takes the brick and joins into the playtime. Jenny grabs the red brick and Peyton picks up a green one, laughing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY] (Nathan walks into the kitchen from the bedroom. He's cleaned himself up and shaved. The apartment's clean. He spots something on the floor and walks over to pick it up. It's a brown envelope.) (He opens it and takes out one of Peyton's arts. It is of two hands, one on top of the other. One hand is a woman's and the other is a man's. They are both wearing wedding rings. The caption reads: 'Sometimes they come back'.) (Nathan studies it and the camera zooms in on the picture. He ponders for a while before putting it down and taking his phone out of his back pocket. He dials and holds it to his ear, sighing.) (The phone rings once before an answer machine picks up.) HALEY: (Recorded message.) Hi, this is Haley; I can't get to the phone right now. Leave a message and I will call you back. (Nathan closes his eyes dejectedly.) (A beep sounds as the credits roll, the signal for Nathan to talk.)

Plan: A: Haley; Q: Who is Nathan married to? A: an emotional crisis; Q: What does Nathan have? A: his old ways; Q: What does Nathan revert to? A: Karen; Q: Who is struggling to figure out why Lucas moved in with Dan? A: Peyton and Jake's relationship; Q: What grows deeper? A: Brand New; Q: What is the name of the song this episode is named after? Summary: As his marriage with Haley continues to get worse, Nathan has an emotional crisis and reverts to his old ways. Karen continues to struggle, trying to figure out what would cause Lucas to move in with Dan. Peyton and Jake's relationship grows deeper. This episode is named after a song by Brand New .

[Salvatore's house] (Elena is waiting for Elijah to wake up. Suddenly he wakes up. Elena rushes over him. He's in choc when sees her.) Elijah: Katerina! England, 1492 [A House] (Trevor is speaking with a woman. He rejoins Elijah) Elijah: Ah, good evening, Trevor. I am pleased you could join us Trevor: I could not miss the birthday celebration Elijah: No, considering the gift you claim to bear. Where is this mystery girl of which you speak? Trevor: Right this way (Elijah follows him. They rejoin Katherine) Trevor: My dear Katherine: Hello (Elijah is in choc) Nowadays [Salvatore's house] Elena: Elijah! It's me, it's Elena Elijah: Oh, my God England, 1492 [A house] Elijah: Forgive me. You remind me of someone Trevor: Katerina, may I introduce the lord Elijah (She takes his hand and bows) Katherine: Pleasure, my lord Elijah: The pleasure's mine. Katerina (He kisses her hand) Nowadays [Salvatore's house] (He closes her eyes. Elena gets closer but his body writhes. He gets up) Elijah: I can't-- I can't breathe! What's happening to me? (He rushes over the door but stammers the door. She rushes over him and holds him) Elijah: I can't... I can't be in this house (She realizes something) Elena: You're not invited in Elijah: I can't be in here (He stammers another wall and disappears. Elena runs after him and goes to the front door. Elijah is outside. He tries to enter but he can't enter) Elijah: What happened? Elena: Shh! (She shows him that Stefan and Damon can hear and she whispers) Elena: I'll tell you. Not here. Can I trust you? (He whispers too) Elijah: Can I trust you? (She gives him the dagger. He takes it) [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is in his bedroom. He wakes up Elena's not here. He goes downstairs) Stefan: Elena! (Andie is here) Stefan: Hey Andie: Hey Stefan: Have you seen Elena? Andie: Uh, no (Damon rejoins her) Damon: Hi, sweetie. Oh, my coffee (He kisses her) Damon: Good morning Andie: Mm, good morning Stefan: Hey, where's Elena? Damon: I don't know, Stefan. It's your girlfriend. Mine's right here (He looks at Andie) Damon: Oh, and how's the shoulder? Got time for a bite? I'm so hungry Andie: Oh, it's really messy. Can you just use a blood bag today? (Stefan is on the phone and looks at them) Andie: I'm already late for work Damon: No! (He pouts. Stefan leaves a message to Elena) Stefan: Hey, it's me. Where are you? Call me (He hangs up. Damon and Andie are kissing) Stefan: What are you doing? She's not a wind-up toy (Andie looks at him) Andie: It's really none of your business, is it, Stefan? Damon: Yeah. What she said Andie: I have to go to work (She kisses him) Damon: Ugh! Bye (She leaves. Stefan sees that the basement door is open. He rushes over it. Damon follows him. Stefan arrives at the cellar and sees that Elijah's not here. Damon rejoins him) Damon: No, she didn't [Alaric's apartment] (Klaus/Alaric is at the door with Maddox. Katherine is making coffee) Maddox: I'll be back as soon as I can Klaus/Alaric: Yes, do hurry. I'm anxious to get out of this body. And if you get hung up, call me. You know how impatient I get (Maddox leaves. Klaus/Alaric closes the door) Katherine: Where is he going? Klaus/Alaric: To retrieve me. So I can get out of this bad hair-do Katherine: Are you sure that's a good idea, Klaus? Klaus/Alaric: Well, the full moon is almost upon us (He puts the moonstone on the table) Klaus/Alaric: I've killed the witch, I have the moon stone, and the doppelganger is waiting in the wings. Ohh, I am ready to break this curse Katherine: And why would you do that here? There's so many people that would try to stop you Klaus/Alaric: Because I have to. It's the birth place of the doppelganger Katherine: I didn't realize that was a requirement Klaus/Alaric: Well, how could you? You betrayed me and fled England before I could give you the details, Katerina. But I did find your birth place and I slaughtered your family. So I guess we're cool. Let's just hope that Elena isn't as stupid as you are Katherine: She won't run. She'll die before she lets anyone that she loves get hurt Klaus/Alaric: And that's exactly what I'm counting on (He compels her) Klaus/Alaric: You can't leave until I tell you to (He leaves) [Elena's car] (She parks her car. Elijah is next to her. He's drinking blood from a blood bag) Elena: You look better Elijah: Where did you get the dagger? Elena: I'll tell you everything. But we have to work together, Elijah. I need your word Elijah: Your ability to make demands has long passed Elena: No demands. I'm offering you my help. And in return, I want yours Elijah: And why should I even consider this? Elena: The same reason that you haven't killed me. You need my help to kill Klaus. And I need you (Her phone rings. She answers. It's Stefan) Stefan: Where are you? Are you ok? Elena: Yes, I'm fine Stefan: Where's Elijah? Elena: He's right here Stefan: Where? I'm on my way Elena: No, Stefan, Elijah and I need some time alone Stefan: Listen to me. He can't be trusted He'll use you to get to Klaus Elena: Elijah is a noble man, Stefan. He lives by a code of honor. I can trust him. He knows that I'd be incredibly stupid to betray him again. By removing the dagger, I have proven myself Stefan: You can't do this alone Elena: It's my decision, Stefan. Please respect it. And make sure that Damon doesn't do anything stupid. I'll be in touch (She hangs up. Elijah holds his hand out. Elena gives him her phone) [Salvatore's house] Damon: Did she just hang up on you? Stefan: She did Damon: She's lost it Stefan: If anyone can get him to help us kill Klaus, it's her Damon: Bonnie's the way to kill Klaus, Stefan. He thinks she's dead. We have a chance with her Stefan: She'll kill herself in the process. Elena's looking for another way Damon: Her way's going to get her killed. So we need to find her and stop her (He gets up. Stefan gets up too) Stefan: No, you need to back off Damon: What?! Stefan: Look, I don't like this any more than you do. But we need to trust her. We gotta just let her do her thing Damon: That might be your plan. Mine's better (He tries to leave but Stefan catches his arm) Stefan: I said back off [Elena's car] Elena: He's here Elijah: Klaus is here? Elena: He's taken over Alaric's body Elijah: Of course he has. One of his favorite tricks Elena: Well, what are his other tricks? What is he going to do next? You're the only one who knows him Elijah: Yes, I do England, 1492 [A house] (Elijah is with Katherine) Katherine: So where is this mysterious host I've heard so much about? Elijah: Fashionably late. He likes to make an entrance (Elijah sees someone going down the stairs) Elijah: Here he is (Klaus is hidden by the crowd. Katherine is looking for him. She finally sees him. He rejoins them) Elijah: Katerina, may I introduce to you the lord Nicklaus (Klaus kisses her hand) Klaus: Nicklaus is the name my father gave me. Please. Call me Klaus (He smiles) Nowadays [Lockwood's mansion] (Elijah knocks on the door. Carol opens it) Carol: Elijah, Elena! What are you doing here? What happened? Elijah: I've had a bit of an incident, Carol. I'm hoping you could help Carol: Well, I'm on my way to a meeting, so I- (He compels her) Elijah: We won't take but a minute of your time (She smiles) Carol: Of course. Anything you need Elijah: Thank you (They enter) Elijah: Well, first things first. I'm going to need a change of clothing Carol: Well, we can try one of my husband's suits. I haven't boxed them up yet Elijah: Wonderful (She goes upstairs) Elena: How did you know she's not on vervain? Elijah: 'Cause I'm the one who got her off it. Right before you and your friends killed me. Twice. If you'll excuse me. I'll be done in a moment (He goes upstairs) [Salvatore's house] (Stefan picks up his phone. It's Jenna. Damon is in the living room too) Stefan: Hello? Jenna: Hey, Stefan. It's Jenna Stefan: Jenna, hey Jenna: Where's Elena? And Jeremy? No one's answering their phones Stefan: Ah, Elena's not here at the moment. Is, uh, is everything ok? Jenna: She left me all these weird messages telling me to stay away from Rick. What's going on? Stefan: It's really hard to explain over the phone, but, um, she was hoping that you could stay on campus for a little while longer Jenna: Oh, that's kinda hard to do from my kitchen Stefan: Wait, you're home? Jenna: Yeah. What's going on? Where's Elena? I'm supposed to meet Rick at the grill for lunch, to talk Stefan: Jenna, listen to me carefully. Whatever you do, do not meet Alaric at the grill. I'm going to come over right now and I'll explain everything (He hangs up and looks at Damon, who's pouring himself a drink) Damon: Wow, I'd love to lend you a hand, but you wouldn't want me doing anything stupid Stefan: It's seriously going to be like this? Damon: You and your girlfriend are calling the shots. I'm just backing off, Stefan (Stefan leaves. Andie rejoins Damon) Damon: Hi Andie: Hi Damon: Let's go Andie: Where are we going? Damon: Splitting from the team. Going rogue. Come on [Lockwood's mansion] (Elijah and Elena are sitting on the living room. Elijah is wearing one of Mayor Lockwood's suits) Elijah: So I assume that the Martin witches are no longer with us Elena: No. I'm sorry Elijah: And Katerina? She would have been released from my compulsion when I died Elena: Klaus took her. We think that she may be dead Elijah: I doubt that. Not Klaus' style. Death would be too easy for her after what she did Elena: I don't understand. You say that you want Klaus dead, but you still made Katherine pay for betraying him Elijah: I have my own reasons for wanting Katerina to pay. There was a time... I'd have done anything for Klaus England, 1492 [A house] Klaus: From where have you come, Katerina? Katherine: I'm new to town, my lord (Elijah looks at Klaus with a smile) Elijah: Katerina is from Bulgaria Klaus: Zradevei, Katerina (She laughs) Katherine: Very good (Klaus looks at Elijah) Klaus: Do you mind, brother? I would like to have a moment alone with her Elijah: Not at all. Happy Birthday, brother (Klaus smiles and leaves with Katherine) Nowadays [Lockwood's mansion] Elijah: Yes. Klaus is my brother Elena: I heard that. I'm still processing Elijah: Yes, I'm a little behind on the times, but I believe the term you're searching for is "O.M.G." (He drinks some tea) [Alaric's apartment] (Katherine is bored. She opens a cupboard and finds a bottle of bourbon. She takes it and smiles. She opens it, drinks but hears someone.) (Damon and Andie are here. She knocks on the door) Andie: Alaric, are you home? Andie-- Starr, Jenna's friend (Katherine tries to open the door but she can't even touch the doorknob. Andie and Damon open the door) Katherine: Thank God (Andie enters) Andie: Wow! You were right. She looks exactly like Elena Damon: Yep (He can't enter. He looks at Katherine) Damon: Thought you might be dead Katherine: Unfortunately not [Gilbert's house] (Jenna opens the door to Stefan) Stefan: Hey, Jenna. Thank you so much for not going to the grill Jenna: Um, Stefan... Stefan: No, listen. I can explain (She looks over Stefan's shoulder. He turns himself. Klaus/Alaric's here) Klaus/Alaric: Hi, Stefan. How's it going? [Lockwood's house] Elena: There's a whole family of Originals? Elijah: My father was a wealthy land owner in a village in Eastern Europe. Our mother bore seven children Elena: So your parents were human? Elijah: Our whole family was. Our origin as vampires is a very long story, Elena. Just know... We're the oldest vampires in the world. We are the Original family, and from us all, vampires were created Elena: Right, but Klaus is your brother. And you want him dead? Elijah: I need some air. I'm still feeling a tad... dead. Come [Alaric's apartment] Katherine: What are you doing here? Andie: We are here to rescue you Damon: No, sweetie. We are here to see if she deserves to be rescued Andie: Right Damon: I figured you still might be kicking. Alari-Klaus was blending way too easily. Figured he probably had some coaching (He shows her a phial) Katherine: Is that... Damon: Vervain? Your salvation Katherine: It's not going to undo anything Damon: There's always a loophole. Did he tell you to stay in this apartment until he said it was ok to leave? (She doesn't' answer) Damon: You can't say. Did he tell you to do absolutely everything he says until the end of time? Katherine: No Damon: There's your loophole. Drink this and prevent any further compulsion (She comes closer to take it but he doesn't give it to her) Katherine: Give it to me Damon: Answer one question first. You double-crossed us with Isobel, why? Katherine: I didn't think you could stand a chance against Klaus, so I was looking out for myself Damon: And where did that get you? Here (He throws her the phial) Damon: Be careful with that. If he finds out you have that, you're never getting out of here (She drinks and coughs) Damon: You owe me. And I will collect (He looks at Andie) Damon: Come on Andie: Nice to meet you (She closes the door) [SCENE_BREAK] [Gilbert's house] (Klaus/Alaric is chopping some food with a big knife. Jenna and Stefan are looking at him) Klaus/Alaric: You know, I find chopping... Calming. The feel of the blade in the hand, maybe Jenna: I'm still waiting for someone to tell me what the hell's going on Klaus/Alaric: Well, would you like to tell her, Stefan, or should I? Jenna: Tell me what? Klaus/Alaric: Do you believe in vampires, Jenna? No? (He laughs) Klaus/Alaric: Well, who does, right? But believe it or not, they do have a place in our history. And as a history teacher, I find them fascinating Jenna: Why are we talking about this? Klaus/Alaric: Well, you've been angry with me for keeping secrets, and this is one of my secrets. I'm obsessed with vampires. There. I said it (He laughs) Jenna: Are you joking? Klaus/Alaric: Not at all. How about you, Stefan? Are you a fan of vampires? Stefan: In literature. Bram Stoker. It's dense, but I appreciate it Klaus/Alaric: Hmm. Did you know that vampires are the oldest creatures of the night? Except for werewolves, of course Jenna: Werewolves. Werewolves. Now I know you're joking Klaus/Alaric: You know, I've read that there's an Aztec curse on both species that keeps werewolves slaves to the Moon and vampires bound by the Sun. Isn't that right, Stefan? You know, they say these creatures would do anything to have this curse broken and that they wouldn't care who they had to kill to do it [Lockwood's mansion] (Elena and Elijah are walking outside) Elijah: So as you've seen, nothing can kill an Original. Not Sun, not fire, not even a werewolf bite. Only the wood from one tree. A tree my family made sure burned Elena: That's where the white ash for the dagger comes from Elijah: Yes. The witches won't allow anything truly immortal to walk the earth. Every creature needs to have a weakness in order to maintain the balance Elena: So the Sun can't kill an Original. Why is Klaus so obsessed with breaking the Sun and Moon curse? Elijah: Right. The curse of the Sun and the Moon. It's all so... Biblical-sounding, don't you think? (He smiles) Elena: What's so funny? England, 1492 [A bedroom] (Klaus is sitting on a chair. A woman is in front of him. Elijah's here too. He shows him a parchment.) Elijah: Look what I found. The Roman parchment Klaus: I remember etching this scroll. Well, I was quite blistered from drink Elijah: Your finest work remains your Aztec drawings Klaus: Not the African carvings? 'Cause I was quite proud of those Elijah: The Aztec. Who can resist a shaman? (Klaus laughs) Klaus: Yes Nowadays [Lockwood's mansion] Elena: I don't understand. So Klaus drew the Aztec sketches about the curse? Elijah: Roman scrolls, African tribal etchings, and any other culture or continent we felt like planting in it Elena: But why? Elijah: Easiest way to discover the existence of a doppelganger or to get your hands on some long, lost moon stone is to have every single member of two warring species on the lookout Elena: So it's not Aztec at all? Elijah: The curse of the sun and the Moon... is fake. It doesn't exist Elena: What? [Gilbert's house] (Alaric, Jenna and Stefan are sitting at the table) Klaus/Alaric: Oh, I know this all sounds so crazy, but... vampires are real. Would you care for some more wine? (He gets up to get a bottle of wine) Jenna: Get out Klaus/Alaric: Excuse me? Jenna: I don't know what it is you're trying to do or why you're saying these things, but... Klaus/Alaric: Jenna... Jenna: I said get out! (Stefan gets up) Stefan: You heard her Klaus/Alaric: I'm afraid I don't want to Jenna: Fine! I'll go (Klaus/Alaric catches the knife) Klaus/Alaric: You're not going anywhere (Stefan catches him and pushes him against the wall with his super speed and puts the knife on his throat) Jenna: Stefan! Stefan: Jenna, get out of here now! Klaus/Alaric: You can't kill me, Stefan Stefan: Watch me! Jenna: Stefan! Klaus/Alaric: I may not have a witch protecting me today, but if you kill this body, what's to stop me from choosing Jenna as my next one? Stefan: Jenna, go Jenna: But you're... you... (He looks at her. His face has changed) Stefan: I said go! (She runs out of the house) Klaus/Alaric: Kill me. Just remind Elena how easy it will be for me to get my revenge if she tries to stop me from breaking this curse (Stefan punches him on the face and once Klaus/Alaric is on the floor, he kicks him on the stomach. He throws the knife on the floor and leaves) [Lockwood's mansion] Elijah: Klaus and I faked the Sun and Moon curse dating back over a thousand years Elena: But if there's no curse... Elijah: There's a curse. Just not that one. The real one's much worse. It's a curse placed on Klaus Elena: What are you talking about? Elijah: Klaus has been trying to break it for the last thousand years. You are his only hope (Elena's phone keeps vibrating in Elijah's pocket) Elena: What is this curse? (The phone is still vibrating) Elijah: Your phone will not stop its incessant buzzing. Answer it, please (He gives her the phone. She answers. It's Stefan) Elena: Stefan... what's wrong? No. No, no, no, no. Ok, I'll be right there (She hangs up and looks at Elijah) Elena: Klaus went after Jenna. I have to go to her Elijah: I'm afraid that wasn't part of today's arrangement Elena: She's my family, Elijah. I have to. I'll be back. You have my word Elijah: That doesn't mean anything to me until you live up to it Elena: Thank you (She runs to her car. Elijah looks at her) England, 1492 (Elijah and Katherine are outside. She's running and laughing) Katherine: You have to chase me! (He runs after her but stops. She laughs) Katherine: You're meant to catch me Elijah: But if I catch you, the game will be over Katherine: Thank you for entertaining me Elijah: You seemed lonely inside, so I took pity on you (She sits down) Katherine: Klaus promised to spend the day with me, but he never returned home from the night Elijah: Yes, Klaus does not live by any rules but his own Katherine: He is a very charming man. Hard for anyone to resist, I suppose Elijah: And yet... Katherine: I know not why he courts me. He seems to not care about me at all Elijah: Many a union has been built on much less Katherine: Is it wrong to want more? (He sits down with her) Elijah: Did you have more with Trevor? Katherine: Trevor believes that he loves me, but true love is not real unless it's returned. Do you agree? Elijah: I do not believe in love, Katerina Katherine: That is too sad for me to accept, my lord. Life is too cruel. If we cease to believe in love, why would we want to live? (Klaus rejoins them) Klaus: What do I interrupt? Elijah: He's returned (He looks at Klaus's shirt. There's blood on it) Elijah: Long night Katherine: What has happened? Klaus: The wrong village picked a fight at the tavern (She leaves with him. Klaus looks at Elijah with a smile. Katherine looks at Elijah too) [Salvatore's house] (Elena rejoins Jenna in the library) Elena: Oh, Jenna, thank God Jenna: No Elena: I never meant for any of this to happen Jenna: When I was little, your mom used to tell me bedtime stories. Stories about vampires. I never thought that what she said could be true Elena: It is true, Jenna. I should have told you. I thought that if you didn't know, you'd be safe. But then things got so out of control and everything I had done to keep you out of it, it just blew up in my face Jenna: Who else knows? Jeremy? (Elena nods) Jenna: John? Elena: We were just trying to protect you Jenna: Protect me? Elena: I'm so sorry. I will tell you everything Jenna: No, Elena... I am the one who's supposed to be protecting you and Jeremy Elena: I know, but there's nothing that you could have done. There's so much more to it... Jenna: no, this is-- this is so... I don't know how... it's... (She cries) Elena: I know, hey Jenna: Why didn't you tell me?! I'm scared (Elena sits down next to her and embraces her) Elena: I know. I know. I know, hey. Hey. I'm sorry. Jenna, I am so, so sorry (Stefan is in the corridor, listening to them. He has tears in his eyes) (Elena closes a door. Stefan is here) Stefan: Is she gonna be ok? Elena: She's in shock. I tried to tell her as much as I could, but I barely scratched the surface Stefan: I'm so sorry, Elena. I hate this Elena: It's not your fault, Stefan. It's mine. Anyway... I have to go back to Elijah Stefan: Wait, what? No, no! Elena: Stefan, I promised him that I would return. I can't break that promise Stefan: Oh (He nods) Elena: I'll be ok (She goes to the front door but Damon and Andie rejoin her) Damon: Where do you think you're going? Elena: Back to Elijah Damon: No Elena: Get out of my way, Dam... (He catches her arm) Damon: if you so much as try and take a step out of this house... Andie: Damon, easy Damon: Stay out of this, Andie Stefan: Let her go Damon: Are you kidding me? We just got her back (Stefan catches his arm) Stefan: You heard me. I said let her go Damon: That's twice today you've stood in my way. I wouldn't try a third [Alaric's apartment] (The music is very loud .Katherine is drinking and dancing. Suddenly she hears someone at the door. Klaus/Alaric enters. Katherine is sitting on the couch.) Klaus/Alaric: You mind turning that down? (She turns down the music) Katherine: Why so grumpy? Klaus/Alaric: Well, this body has outlived its usefulness Katherine: Do you want a drink? Klaus/Alaric: No, Katerina, I don't want a drink Katherine: Come on. It might loosen you up (He takes the bottle and throws it against the wall. He compels her) Klaus/Alaric: What I want is for you to sit down and shut up (She sits down on the couch. Maddox arrives) Klaus/Alaric: Maddox, what took you so long? Maddox: You've got a lot of luggage (Two men enter with luggage. A girl enters too) Klaus/Alaric: Greta. Finally Greta: Hello, love. Nice body. You ready to get out of it? (Two other men arrive with a giant box. Katherine looks at them) [Lockwood's mansion] (Elena enter. Elijah's here) Elijah: Welcome back Elena: Tell me. What is Klaus' curse? (She takes of her jacket) Elena: Please Elijah: My family was quite close, but Klaus and my father did not get on too well. When we became vampires, we discovered the truth. Klaus was not my father's son. My mother had been unfaithful many years before. This was her darkest secret. Klaus is from a different bloodline. Of course, when my father discovered this, he hunted down and he killed my mother's lover and his entire family. Not realizing, of course, that he was igniting a war between species that rages until this day Elena: A war between the species? Elijah: The vampires... and the werewolves Elena: So Klaus' real father was from a werewolf bloodline? What does that make Klaus? A werewolf? Or a vampire? Elijah: He's both. A hybrid would be deadlier than any werewolf or vampire. Nature would not stand for such an imbalance of power. Therefore the witches, the servants of nature, saw to it that my brother's werewolf side would become dormant Elena: That's the curse that Klaus wants to break? Elijah: He wants to trigger that part of him that's a werewolf. If allowed, Klaus would sire his own bloodline. He'd build his own race. Endangering not just vampires, but everyone Elena: But you helped him Elijah: I helped him because I loved him. That's changed, now he must die Elena: We have the dagger now. We can stop him Elijah: When a werewolf is wounded by silver, it heals. An Original can't be killed by anything but white oak ash on a silver dagger. So you see the conundrum. The dagger does not work Elena: What, are you saying that Klaus can't be killed? Elijah: There's one way to kill any supernatural species... at the hands of the servants of nature themselves Elena: A witch if they can channel that much power. But it would kill them Elijah: The curse must be broken during the full moon. When Klaus is in transition. That's when he'll be at his most vulnerable. A witch with enough power... can kill Klaus Elena: What if I told you that I knew a witch that could channel that much power? Elijah: Then I would tell you there's one more thing that you should know England, 1492 [A room] Klaus: The full moon is tomorrow, brother. After all these centuries, it is finally time Elijah: I have been to see the witches. They believe they may have found a way to spare the doppelganger Klaus: What does it matter if she lives or not? She's a means to an end that is all Elijah: What, she should die for your gain? Klaus: She is human. Her life means nothing Elijah: I beg you to consider this Klaus: Are you so foolish as to care for her? Elijah: Of course not (Klaus gets closer to him) Klaus: Love is a vampire's greatest weakness, and we are not weak, Elijah. We do not feel, and we do not care Elijah: We did once. Too many lifetimes ago to matter. Tell the witches not to bother. The sacrifice will happen as planned Nowadays [Lockwood's mansion] Elena: You found a way to save the life of the doppelganger? Elijah: Yes, Elena. I did. But unfortunately, Katerina took matters into her own hands first. I believe you already know how that played out Elena: You cared about her, didn't you? Elijah: It's a common mistake, I'm told. And it's one I won't make again (He gives her her jacket and leaves) [Salvatore's house] (Damon is with Andie in the library) Andie: You don't have to be so mad at your brother. You know, he's worried about Elena, and... Damon: Just go, please Andie: I know you're worried about her, too Damon: Andie. Go Andie: Okay (She leaves. Stefan enters the room) Stefan: Tired of your little play thing already? Damon: Don't start with me, Stefan. She's just my distraction Stefan: She's a person. You're victimizing her Damon: You should be thankful she's here. She keeps me from going for what I really want Stefan: You're right. Thank you for being in love with my girlfriend (Damon gets up) Damon: And there it is Stefan: There it is. You know, you can be in love with Elena all you want... If it means that you'll protect her. But I have the one thing that you never will Damon: Oh, yeah? What's that? Stefan: Her respect (Damon punches Stefan so hard that he falls on a rack and breaks it. He gets up and rushes over Damon. They both grunt and groan. Elena and Elijah enter the room) Elena: Stop! (Elijah is looking at them) England, 1492 [A room] (Elijah is sitting on a chair. Klaus enters the room) Klaus: What have you done? Elijah: I don't understand Klaus: Katerina has gone. She has fled Elijah: No Klaus: What did you tell her? Elijah: I told her nothing (Klaus catches him and pushes him against the wall. His face has changed) Klaus: Do not lie to me! Elijah: I will find her. You have my word Klaus: If you do not, I give you my word you will be dead Nowadays [Salvatore's house] (Stefan and Damon have stop. They're looking at Elena and Elijah) Damon: Now you've invited him in? Elena: Elijah and I have renewed the terms of our deal Damon: Really? Elijah: The two of you will come to no harm at my hands. I only ask for one thing in return Damon: What? Elijah: An apology Damon: A what? (Stefan gets closer to them) Stefan: I'm sorry for the part that I played in your death. I was protecting Elena. I will always protect Elena Elijah: I understand (Elena looks at Damon) Elena: Sacrifice is going to happen, Damon. Bonnie will be able to kill Klaus without hurting herself and Elijah knows how to save my life. I told you I'd find another way. And I did Damon: Is that true? Elijah: It is (Damon looks at Elena) Damon: And you're trusting him? Elena: I am Damon: You can all go to hell (He leaves. Stefan looks at Elijah) Stefan: He's angry with me right now. But he'll come around Elijah: Perhaps (Damon enters his bedroom. Andie goes out of the bathroom, in lingerie) Damon: I thought I told you to leave Andie: You didn't compel me. I want to be here. Just let me be here Damon: I'm upset. And you know what happens when I'm upset. You have to leave Andie: No. You need to know that somebody cares about you. I care about you, Damon (He bites her. She screams. He throws her on the floor. She cries. He gets closer to her) Damon: Hey. Hey. Look at me (He compels her) Damon: Get out of here, before I kill you. Just go. Go. Now! (She takes her clothes, looks at him and leaves) [Alaric's apartment] (Maddox and Greta are casting a spell. There are candles all around them. Klaus/Alaric is standing next to the box. Katherine is looking at them. They stop and look at Alaric. He opens his eyes and looks at Katherine) Alaric: Elena? (He collapses. Maddox opens the box and Klaus gets out of it and looks at Alaric) Klaus: Now that's more like it (He smiles)

Plan: A: Elijah wakes; Q: After Elena removed the dagger, who wakes? A: a flashback; Q: What is the term for a scene that takes place in the past? A: 1492 England; Q: In what year did Katherine meet Elijah and Klaus for the first time? A: Katherine; Q: Who is being held captive by Klaus? A: brothers; Q: What were Elijah and Klaus raised as? A: a werewolf bloodline; Q: What was Klaus's father? A: Elijah's father; Q: Who killed Elijah's mother's lover? A: a vampire/werewolf hybrid; Q: What is Klaus? A: a witch; Q: What is the only thing that can kill Klaus? A: dormancy; Q: What was Klaus's werewolf side forced into? A: Jenna; Q: Who finds out about the vampires from Stefan and Klaus/Alaric? A: Damon; Q: Who finds Katherine and gives her a vial of vervain? A: Luka's sister; Q: Who is Greta? A: a ritual; Q: What do Maddox and Greta perform to release Klaus's spirit from Alaric's body? Summary: After Elena removed the dagger, Elijah wakes, and Elena makes another deal with him. In a flashback to 1492 England, Katherine meets Elijah and Klaus for the first time. Elijah and Klaus were raised as brothers, but Klaus was the result of their mother's affair with a man from a werewolf bloodline. Elijah's father hunted down the man and had him and his family killed, beginning the schism between werewolves and vampires. As a vampire/werewolf hybrid, Klaus can only be killed by a witch. The sun and moon curse was fake - the real curse is that Klaus's werewolf side had been forced into dormancy by witches. Jenna finally finds out about the vampires from Stefan and Klaus/Alaric. Elsewhere, Katherine is being held captive by Klaus. Damon finds her and gives her a vial of vervain to protect her from further compulsion. At the end of the episode, Maddox and Greta (Luka's sister) perform a ritual to release Klaus's spirit from Alaric's body and put it back into his own.

Clarke (V.O.): I was born in space. I've never felt the sun on my face or breathed real air or floated in the water. None of us have. For three generations, The Ark has kept what's left of the human race alive, but now our home is dying, and we are the last hope of mankind, desperate mission to the ground. Each of us was sent here because we broke the law. On the ground, there is no law. All we have to do is survive, but we will be tested by the earth, by the secrets it hides, and, most of all, by each other. Clarke: Previously on "The 100"... Jaha: Who shot me? Kane: Bellamy Blake. He stowed away on the dropship. We're still investigating who helped him. Shumway: Kill the Chancellor. Clarke: That's why you took the wristbands; you needed everyone to think we're dead. Bellamy: The Ark finds out we're alive, they'll come down, and when they do, I'm dead. Jaha: Earth is survivable. Mankind is going home. Bellamy: Hey, why were you defending him? Octavia: Because he saved my life. I never wanted any of this to happen to you. Lincoln: Thank you. ( Scene goes to black ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dropship ] ( Bellamy watches over a captive and bloody Lincoln ) ( Hatch opens as Miller walks in ) Miller: Did you talk to The Ark? I told Digg's mom the news, John's dad. I'm supposed to talk to Roma's parents later. Bellamy: Thanks for doing that. I owe you. ( Miller turns to face Lincoln ) Miller: Telling all these parents that their kids were murdered by Grounders, I just wish I could say we were getting some justice. Bellamy: We're not killing him. Miller: You were a lot scarier when you had that face paint on. ( Miller smears something on Lincoln's face ) ( Lincoln headbutts Miller, knocking him to the ground ) ( Bellamy looks up at Lincoln while Miller groans in pain ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Camp ] ( Clarke uses the video chat to attend a council meeting ) Jaha: Tell me about the Grounder. Can he provide any insight on how to survive winter? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The Ark ] ( the Council talks to Clarke ) Clarke: We're doing everything we can to prepare here. We're gathering nuts and berries, curing meats, digging for roots, but the truth is, we'll freeze before we starve. Kane: There's good news on that front. According to civil defense plans from before the war, there's an old emergency aid depot not far from the landing site. Here are the coordinates. Jaha: In addition to supplies, it could provide shelter for the hundred and for the citizens coming down from The Ark. Clarke: And what makes you think it's intact? Kane: It was designed to withstand nuclear warfare. Clarke: All right. It's worth a shot. Sydney: Chancellor, I have to object. Project Exodus is under way. The kids should sit tight in their camp until the first dropship launches. Jaha: Even if everything goes without a hitch, the hundred would die from exposure before relief arrives. I'd like a moment with Clarke alone, please, and I know there's a line of parents waiting to talk to their kids. Clarke, we all are very proud of what you've done down there. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Camp ] ( Clarke talking with Jaha ) Jaha: Your mother... Clarke: I don't want to talk about my mother. Jaha: Please, Clarke. It's time to forgive. Let me schedule a time for you and Abby to sit down... Clarke: Look. I know you both think that betraying my dad, killing him, was an unavoidable tragedy, but I don't see it that way, and I never will. So just tell me who's next and let someone who actually wants to talk to their parents have a turn. ( Clarke leaves the tent looking for the next person in line ) Clarke: Dax. ( Clarke walks up to Jasper and Monty who are busy sorting, cracking, and eating nuts ) Clarke: Hey, you guys seen Dax? Monty: Over there on the meat crew. ( Clarke walks over to the meat crew ) Clarke: Dax. You're up. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dax, in communications tent ] ( Dax looks up to see Commander Shumway in front of the video instead of his mom ) Dax: Where's my mom? Shumway: You can see her after you and I have a little talk. Are you alone? Dax: Yeah. Why? Shumway: If I remember right, you beat a man to death. Dax: He stole from me. Shumway: Relax. I have a problem, and I think you can help me fix it, and in return, I can guarantee your mom a spot on the first dropship and for you a choice assignment when I get to the ground. Dax: What do you want me to do? Shumway: Kill Bellamy Blake. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cuts to black "the 100" screen ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dropship ] ( Bellamy climbs down the ladder and sees Octavia sitting nearby ) Bellamy: You're still here? Octavia: I'm not moving until you let me up there to see him. Bellamy: Get comfortable. ( Bellamy looks away and then back at Octavia ) Bellamy: I let him live. Isn't that enough? Octavia: He saved my life and yours. Bellamy: I know you see it that way, but... Octavia: That's the way it is. Bellamy: He's still dangerous. Octavia: Only because of what you did. Bellamy: Whatever twisted connection you think you have with that animal, forget it. You don't get to see him. End of conversation. ( Bellamy turns to leave but stops when Octavia questions him ) Octavia: Why do you even care if I ruined your life? You should want me to go up there. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll kill me, problem solved. Bellamy: Octavia, you know I didn't mean that. ( Clarke enters the dropship, unaware of the fighting siblings ) Clarke: Bellamy. ( Bellamy walks with intent to leave the dropship ) Bellamy: The answer is still no. I'm not talking to Jaha. Clarke: Hey, relax. ( Bellamy stops walking and faces Clarke ) Clarke: That's not why I'm here. Bellamy: What, then? Clarke: The Ark found some old records that show a supply depot not too far from here. Bellamy: What kind of supplies? Clarke: The kind that might give us a chance to live through winter. I'm gonna go check it out. I could use backup. Bellamy: Why are you asking me? Clarke: Well, because right now, I don't feel like being around anyone I actually like. ( Bellamy looks down and huffs with a smirk ) ( Bellamy glances up at Octavia and then back to Clarke nodding his head ) Bellamy: I'll get my stuff, meet you in ten. ( Clarke nods her head and leaves while the two Blake siblings glare at one another ) ( Bellamy leaves the dropship ) Jasper: What do you think they're gonna do with the Grounder? ( Monty and Jasper both look towards the Dropship and see Bellamy walking out ) Monty: I'd rather not think about it. Jasper: Well, it's been days since Bellamy captured him. How long till his friends come looking? Monty: Cheer up. In that time, we'll all be dead from hypothermia. ( Monty pops a nut into his mouth and makes a gesture to throw one in Jaspers mouth; which makes it ) Jasper: Hey, hey, hey. ( Monty and Jasper do a secret handshake ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Finn ] ( Clarke inspects Finn's wound as Raven watches ) Clarke: How are you feeling? Finn: Weak, bored... ( Finn winces ) Finn: Grateful to be alive. Clarke: Well, if you want to stay that way, you should rest. Raven: I'll tie him down if I have to. ( An awkward silence falls over the three ) Clarke: I'm gonna be out of camp today. Can you change his bandages in a few hours? Finn: Wait. Where are you going? Clarke: It's a little assignment from The Ark. It's nothing to worry about. Finn: It's not safe out there. Raven: Finn, Clarke is a big girl. She can take care of herself. Bellamy: Clarke... ( Bellamy peeks his head into the tent ) Bellamy: Let's get a move on. ( Finn rolls his eyes and lays his head back in displeasure when he sees who Clarke is leaving with ) Clarke: Make sure he stays in bed. Raven: It sounds like a plan. ( Clarke gets up and leaves the tent ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bellamy ] ( Clarke notices him taking more rations than he should ) Clarke: That's a lot of rations. You realize this is a day trip. Bellamy: A lot can happen in a day. ( Octavia steps out of the dropship and sees Clarke and Bellamy leaving camp ) ( Bellamy looks back at camp and Octavia, until she goes back inside the dropship ) ( Bellamy turns and follows Clarke out of camp ) ( Dax sees Clarke and Bellamy leave camp and follows them; pocketing a hunting knife ) ( Screen cuts to black ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Camp ] ( showing various camp activists and then Connor inside the dropship ) Connor: Hey, Miller, Roma's parents are waiting for you on the radio. ( Octavia, who is still in the dropship, listens in ) ( Hatch opens and Miller walks out of the dropship and Octavia hides from Miller ) ( Octavia quickly climbs the ladder after Miller leaves the dropship ) ( Octavia opens up the hatch and enters the room were Lincoln is held ) Octavia: Hi. We don't have a lot of time. ( Octavia closes the hatch and then walks over to Lincoln ) Octavia: I brought you some water. Here. ( Octavia holds up the water and Lincoln drinks ) Octavia: It's good, right? Sorry I haven't seen you since everything happened. ( Octavia gives Lincoln more water ) Octavia: My brother has been keeping me away. He's a total dick, which you probably already figured out. ( Lincoln chuckles ) Octavia: You do understand me. I knew it. ( Octavia walks away, takes off her jacket ) Octavia: Well, at least let me get you cleaned up quick. ( Octavia picks up a rag and begins wiping away the blood and marvels at his tattoos ) Octavia: This is all my fault because I freaked out so bad when you locked me up in that cave. You'd totally understand why if you knew how I grew up. Lincoln: My name is Lincoln. Octavia: Lincoln. I'm Octavia. Well, is that it? Is that all you're gonna say? Lincoln: It's not safe for us to talk. Octavia: Well, if we shouldn't talk, then why did you tell me your name? Lincoln: I want you to remember me after I'm dead. Octavia: You're not gonna die. Don't say that. Lincoln: Octavia, this only ends one way. Octavia: Just talk to them. Tell them you're not the enemy. Lincoln: I am. Miller: Octavia, get the hell out now. Bellamy is not even here. Get out, or he gets the beating I've been aching to give him. Octavia: Okay, okay. I get it. I'm gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Location: ] Clarke: You know, the first dropship is gonna come down soon. Pretty sure you can't avoid Jaha forever. Bellamy: I can try. Clarke: The depot is supposed to be around here somewhere. There's got to be a door. Maybe he'll be lenient. Bellamy: Look. I shot the man, Clarke. He's not just gonna forgive and forget. Let's just split up, cover more ground. Stay within shouting distance. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Location: ] Raven: I'd hate to see the other guy. Octavia: You did, when you were torturing him. Raven: Finn was dying. I'm not gonna apologize for doing what I had to do. Octavia: It must suck to come all the way down here to find out your boyfriend is into somebody else. Raven: I'm not doing this with you. ( Raven walks to Finn's tent ) Raven: Hey. Finn: Hey. Raven: Thirsty? Let me get that. ( Raven gives Finn some water. Raven begins kissing Finn. ) Finn: Wait. Wait. Raven: I've been waiting since they locked you up on The Ark. Finn: We can't, not till we talk. Raven: I don't want to talk. Finn: Something happened. Raven: Finn, I know, and I don't want to talk about it - Well - Ever. Do you love me? Finn: Always. Raven: Okay, then. Mm. You're supposed to be resting. Finn: Let me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Location: ] Clarke: Bellamy. Over here. I found a door. ( tries pulling the door open ) Uh! I think it's rusted shut. Bellamy: Here. Watch your foot. Clarke: Okay. Bellamy: Give me a hand. Clarke: Oh! Here." ( they both open the door ) Bellamy: Really think this place hasn't been touched since the war? Clarke: A girl can dream. Come on. ( they notice a skeleton with ragged clothing on it on the stairs ) Bellamy: Hell of a place to die. Clarke: So much for living down here. This place is disgusting. Bellamy: Damn it. Anything left down here is ruined. Clarke: They must have distributed most of the supplies before the last bombs went off. Hey, I found blankets. Bellamy: Excited about a couple of blankets? Clarke: Well, it's something. Bellamy: How about a canteen or a med kit or a decent fricking tent? Argh! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Location: ] Monty: Oh, my God. Jasper: What? Monty: Earth is scary. It's amazing. Fresh ait, trees, nuts. These taste better than usual, right? Oh, I'd like to give Earth a giant hug. Jasper: You're acting weird. Monty: I feel weird, but in a good way. Jasper: I gotta pee. ( Jasper goes outside. While relieving himself, he begins hallucinating that Grounders are in the camp. ) Jasper: Yaah! Ooh! ( Jasper runs over to Octavia ) Octavia? Octavia, I think I'm going crazy, or the Grounders are here, or I'm going crazy, or- Octavia: Okay. Just slow down. Just tell me what you saw. Jasper: [points] Him. Octavia: Jasper, there's no-one there. Jasper: He's right there! We have to run. We have to run. Why isn't anyone doing any- Octavia: Stop it! Shut up. Jasper, are you on something? Jasper: I love you, and I just want you to know this. We're all gonna die soon, okay? I love you." ( Jasper tries to eat another Jobi Nut ) Octavia: [takes the nut from Jasper] Is this all you've eaten today? Jasper: It is, but who the hell cares now? It's- Octavia: You're totally bombed. Oh, relax. Here, buddy. Take this. Jasper: It's a stick. Octavia: No. This is an anti-Grounder stick. So long as you hold this and you sit right here, Grounders won't be able to see you. See? Jasper: Yeah. Makes sense. I'll just stay right here. Does make sense. Octavia: Stay right there. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Location: ] Miller: Get out. Octavia: Relax. I thought you might be hungry. A peace offering. I shouldn't have come up here alone earlier. It was stupid and dangerous, and he's not worth it. I won't tell Bellamy if you won't. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Location: ] Bellamy: This changes everything. No more running from spears. Ready to be a badass, Clarke? Clarke: Look. I'm not gonna fight you on bringing guns back to camp. I know we need them, but don't expect me to like it. Bellamy: We're lucky the rifles were packed in grease. The fact that they survived means we're not sitting ducks anymore. You need to learn how to do this. Clarke: So, I just hold it on my shoulder? Bellamy: Yeah, just a little higher now, that end. Yeah. ( Bellamy gets flustered being so close to Clarke ) Uh, that's good. Uh, watch and learn." ( Bellamy picks up another rifle and tries firing it, but it doesn't fire ) Clarke: Still watching. Bellamy: My bullets are duds. Try yours. ( Clarke shoots, this time it fires ) Clarke: That was amazing. Ha! Am I horrible for feeling that? Bellamy: Try again. Clarke: No. We shouldn't waste the ammunition. Bellamy: You need to practice. Clarke: No. We need to talk about how we're gonna keep guns around camp, where are we gonna keep them, and who has access. You left Miller in charge of the Grounder. You must trust him. Bellamy: You should keep him close. The others listen to him. Clarke: I should keep him close? Bellamy, what's going on? You've been acting weird all day. All the rations you took. You're gonna run. That's why you agreed to come with me. You were gonna load up on supplies and just disappear. Bellamy: I don't have a choice. The Ark will be here soon. Clarke: So you're just gonna leave Octavia? Bellamy: Octavia hates me. She'll be fine. You don't know I shot the Chancellor. They're gonna kill me, Clarke. Best-case scenario, they lock me up with the Grounder for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell I'm giving Jaha the satisfaction. Keep practicing. I need some air. ( Bellamy goes outside, clearly upset. He begins hallucinating that Jaha is on the ground with him, as well as the 320 people who died in the culling. ) Jaha: Bellamy Blake. Bellamy: How are you here? You're on the Ark. Jaha: You shot me on the Ark, but I've been waiting for you. Bellamy: I did what I had to do. Jaha: To protect Octavia. That's right. Pathetic, using your sister to justify your crimes, your cruelty, your selfishness? Bellamy: If you're gonna kill me, just do it. Jaha: Why should I kill you? Unlike the others, I survived your treachery. Bellamy: What are you talking about? Jaha: The three hundred and twenty souls that were culled from the Ark so that others could live. You knew that they would be sacrificed. The radio. Bellamy: I didn't know that would happen! Jaha: It's not my forgiveness you should seek. It's theirs. Culled People: Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Bellamy: Stop! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Clarke hallucinating ] Jake: It's not what you imagined, is it? Clarke: Dad? (Chattering and laughter) Hey, is the moon in here? Monty... I can't change the tide if the moon won't cooperate. Get out of here. It's basic physics. Oh, stay here. (Chattering and laughter) Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha. Scratch that. Get out here. You're not real, are you? Sorry, kiddo. I wish I were. Wait. How is this possible? I'm thinking why more important than how. Why me? Because I miss you. Think there's more to it than that, kiddo. You want me to forgive her. Hey... Your mom loves you, Clarke. She betrayed you. How can I forgive her for that? The disappointed look isn't fair. (Chuckles) I'm trying. I'm trying all the time, but everyone is counting on me, and it's so hard. Come here. I know, honey. It's been tough, hasn't it? I let someone get tortured. Listen. You're doing the best you can. You want me to say mom did the best she could. This is about what you want. You're dead because of her. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness. Oh... Listen to me. Forgiveness isn't about what people deserve. Look. I'm sorry. I can't. Whatever. Crazy bitch. Dad? Don't move. Uh! Aah. We need to go now. Uh! (Panting) Why are you doing this? Just get dressed. They'll know you helped me. Aah! You said it... you stay here, you'll die. I'm not gonna let that happen. I'm not gonna put you in danger. You need to do this now. Ok. Even in these clothes, I'll be seen. People are seeing plenty of things right now. Oh! Up you get. Uh! Ok. Let's go. What'd you do? Set out some of our winter rations a little early. Jobi nuts, the food you gave my guard, they go bad, they cause visions, but it wears off. Just try to get as far away as you can, ok, and try not to get yourself killed. Tell me again. You are the most beautiful broom in a broom closet of brooms. Mm... (Girl crying) I got this one. Hey... Hey... Murderer. Man: Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Please kill me. Kill me! I deserve it. Please. I can't fight anymore. Jaha: Don't you know? Life is a fight. What am I supposed to do? Live, breathe, suffer. You owe them that. You want the peace of death. You're gonna have to earn it. Agh! Agh... Fight back! Do you think you deserve to be free of your pain? Do you deserve that gift? Because you're gonna get it. (Gun cocks) Nothing personal. (Click) Clarke: Put it down, Dax. Dax: Should've stayed down there, Clarke. I tried not to kill you, but here you are, and Shumway said no witnesses. What is he talking about? Shumway set it up. He gave me the gun to shoot the chancellor. Walk away now, and I won't kill you. Put it down. Your choice. (Click) (Gunshots) No! Get the hell off him! Uh! (Panting) You're ok. No, I'm not. My mother... if she knew what I've done, who I am... she raised me to be better, to be good... Bellamy... And all I do is hurt people. (Sniffles) I'm a monster. Hey... You have saved my life today. You may be a total ass half the time, but I need you. We all need you. None of us would've survived this place if it wasn't for you. You want forgiveness, fine, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven, ok, but you can't run, Bellamy. You have to come back with me. You have to face it. Like you faced your mom? You're right. I don't want to face my mom. I don't want to face any of it. All I think about every day is who we're gonna keep everyone alive, but we don't have a choice. (Sniffles) Jaha will kill me when he comes down. We'll figure something out. Can we figure it out later? Whenever you're ready. Rough night? Yeah. My head is killing me. You? I'm pretty sure I ate a pine cone because it told me to. Miller: He's gone. The grounder is gone. What if he brings other grounders back? He'll kill us all. Or worse. Bellamy: Let the grounders come. We've been afraid of them for far too long, and why? Because of their knives and spears. I don't know about you. I'm tired of being afraid. Ho ho ho! No way. Clarke: These are weapons, ok, not toys, and we have to be prepared to give them up to the guard when the dropships come, but until then, they're gonna help keep us safe. And there are plenty more where these came from. Tomorrow we start training, and if the grounders come, we're gonna be ready to fight. (Music playing) I don't expect you to forgive me, but you'll have to find a way to live with me... because I'm not going anywhere. Clarke: Bellamy... It's time. Grounder escaping, was that you? I had nothing to do with it. Thanks for the blanket. Jaha: Mr. Blake, I've wanted to talk to you for some time now. Before you do, I'd like to say something. When you sent us down here, you sent us to die, but miraculously, most of us are still alive. In large part, that is because of him, because of Bellamy. He's one of us, and he deserves to be pardoned of his crimes just like the rest of us. Clarke, I appreciate your point of view, but it's not that simple. It is if you want to know who on The Ark wants you dead. Bellamy Blake, you're pardoned for your crimes. Now, tell me who gave you the gun. You're a disgrace. I'm fighting for what I believe in, just like you. What, exactly, is that? I need to check this. Guns? Really? The grounder escaping, we have to expect retaliation. We have to be prepared. Yeah. Our ancestors wanted to be prepared, too. So they built bombs. Rifles are not the same as nukes. In Bellamy's hands, they are. Clarke, come on. You can't predict what he's gonna do. There's no perfect answer, Finn. The grounder saved Octavia's life, and Bellamy brought him back here and tortured him. Yeah, but if he hadn't brought him back here, you'd be dead. I know. I trust him. You can't be serious. I am. Clarke... You and Bellamy are leading us down a dangerous road. I wish you would've talked to me about it first. I wish you talked to me about a lot of things, but you didn't. (Door opens) Thank God it's you. I thought I was about to float. It won't come to that, Commander. Wait. What's going on? I did what you asked me... agh!

Plan: A: Video connection; Q: What is established with The Ark? A: The Ark.; Q: Who informs the 100 of a nearby underground depot? A: winter; Q: What season is it? A: Commander Shumway; Q: Who is killed in his cell and framed to look like a suicide? A: Octavia; Q: Who frees the grounder? A: advantage; Q: What does Octavia take of the camp's suffering? A: hallucinogenic nuts; Q: What were the nuts that Octavia used to free Lincoln? A: rations; Q: What were the nuts used for? A: guilt; Q: What is Bellamy wracked with? A: Clarke's help; Q: Who helped Bellamy kill Dax? A: Jaha; Q: Who does Clarke appeal to for Bellamy's pardon? A: imprisonment; Q: What was the punishment for Shumway? A: Jaha's assassination; Q: What was Diana Sydney's idea? Summary: Video connection is established with The Ark. The Ark informs the 100 of a nearby underground depot that may serve as a winter home. Bellamy and Clarke investigate and discover a stockpile of weapons and supplies. Dax, whom Commander Shumway is coercing to kill Bellamy, follows them. Octavia takes advantage of the camp's suffering from the effects of hallucinogenic nuts gathered as rations and frees the grounder, whose name is Lincoln. Bellamy, also hallucinating, is wracked with guilt for the culling and almost killed by Dax; Bellamy manages to kill Dax with Clarke's help. Clarke appeals to Jaha to pardon Bellamy for his crime using his actions on the ground; Jaha agrees in exchange for the name of the person who hired Bellamy. This leads to the arrest and imprisonment of Shumway. He is visited by Diana Sydney, and it is revealed that Jaha's assassination was her idea. Diana then has Shumway killed in his cell and framed to look like a suicide .

THE ROMANS DENNIS SPOONER 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. VILLA AT ASSESSIUM. OUTSIDE THE DOCTOR'S ROOM (ASCARIS approaches a curtained doorway. The DOCTOR can be heard inside, strumming on the Lyre.) DOCTOR: (OOV: Laughing.) I'm sure even Nero can play better than that! (ASCARIS pulls out a sword, looks round and starts to pull aside the curtain...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. VILLA AT ASSESSIUM. DOCTOR'S ROOM (The DOCTOR sits alone with his back to the doorway as ASCARIS enters.) DOCTOR: The answer is of course, is not to be caught playing it! (He laughs again, stands and turns as ASCARIS lunges at him. The DOCTOR parries the lunge with the Lyre.) DOCTOR: Ohhh! So you want to fight do you? (Laughing, he throws ASCARIS and the Lyre onto the bed. He then grabs a pot plant and smashes down on the assassin's head.) DOCTOR: Come on, my friend. Eh, what's the matter with you? (The DOCTOR then throws the bedclothes over ASCARIS as he struggles to stand. Totally caught up in the blankets, the DOCTOR tosses him over the other side of the bed. ASCARIS gets to his feet, grabs his sword and again lunges at the DOCTOR who grabs an amphora of wine from a stand and throws the contents in the man's face. As ASCARIS falls back, the DOCTOR smashes the amphora over his head. The DOCTOR laughs as ASCARIS again lunges at him but easily avoids the sword thrust. He tries again but the DOCTOR grabs his arm and throws him over his shoulder as VICKI runs into the room.) VICKI: Doctor, what's happening? (This time it's VICKI who grabs a bowl to bring it down on ASCARIS'S head. The assassin however, has had enough and throws himself out of the window to avoid further damage to his cranium.) DOCTOR: Young lady, why did you have to come in and interrupt? Just as I'd got him all softened up and ready for the old one two! VICKI: You're alright then? DOCTOR: Alright? Of course, I'm alright, my child. You know, I am so constantly outwitting the opposition, I tend to forget the delights and satisfaction of the arts...the gentle art of fisticuffs! VICKI: I realise you're a man of many talents, Doctor, but I didn't know fighting was one of them. DOCTOR: My dear, I am one of the best! Do you know it was I that used to teach the Mountain Mauler of Montana! VICKI: The what? DOCTOR: Do you remember, have you never heard? (VICKI laughs.) DOCTOR: No, of course, no, no, of course, you haven't, have you? No. Well, never mind, I think after all that wonderful exercise, I shall be able to get a very pleasant nights sleep. Right, off you go. Goodnight! VICKI: (She stops laughing.) But Doctor, surely we're not going to stay here? DOCTOR: Why not? (She points to the window.) What him? Oh, my dear child, I don't think he'll come back again. Oh, no. I think I can promise you that. (He remakes his bed.) VICKI: Oh, Doctor, I was coming to tell you another thing. You know the Centurion who brought us here? DOCTOR: Hmm. VICKI: He seems to have gone too. DOCTOR: Well, I'm not surprised. It was he who obviously hired the man to kill me. Or rather to kill this fellow, Maximus, emm...what is it? Er.. VICKI: Pettulian. DOCTOR: Er what? VICKI: Pettulian. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, of course, yes. I must remember that name. Yes, goodnight. VICKI: But Doctor, if he wanted you dead, why didn't he take care of it himself? DOCTOR: Because this way he couldn't be charged with crime. VICKI: Yes, but if you were going to be killed anyway, I can't see that it... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) My dear, it was an accepter, accepted thing in this age to hire an assassin. Prefembly, preferably someone dumb, and then he couldn't denounce you. VICKI: Ah, so he must have been looking in the bushes for the body when we first... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Just as I suspected at the time. Now, goodnight! (VICKI walks towards the door.) DOCTOR: And remember, we make an early start tomorrow. (She turns back.) VICKI: You don't mean to say we're going on? DOCTOR: Oh, goodness me, goodness me child, how you do talk! Yes, we are. VICKI: But they might try and kill you again. DOCTOR: Well, of course he might. But who am I to worry about such little things like that? Mmm? Now then, there's one thing you've got to learn about me. When I say we go to Rome, then we go to Rome! Goodnight! (He shows her out of the door with a smile.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. ROME (ROMA: The warren of streets that make up the capital of the known world burn under the hot Italian sun.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. ROME. CELLS (SEVCHERIA puts his prisoners into rows of cages. BARBARA supports a coughing, sick WOMAN SLAVE.) SEVCHERIA: (To some slaves as he locks them in a cage.) Wait here. (SEVCHERIA leads BARBARA and the WOMAN SLAVE to another cage.) BARBARA: (To the WOMAN SLAVE.) Look, there's no more walking. You can rest now. WOMAN SLAVE: Thank you, you're kind. You're very ki.. (Coughs.) kind. (SEVCHERIA thrusts the two of them into the cage. He grabs BARBARA'S wrist.) SEVCHERIA: I'll have to see about getting you some new clothes. BARBARA: (Struggling.) You needn't bother! SEVCHERIA: Ah, it's not for your sake. I want you looking special at the slave auction. (He releases her and closes the cage. BARBARA bends down to help the coughing and retching WOMAN SLAVE.) WOMAN SLAVE: Have we arrived? Is this Rome? (Coughs.) BARBARA: Yes, this is Rome. How are you feeling? Are you more comfortable now? WOMAN SLAVE: Much better. It's just this cough. It was a long march. Thirty-four days it took us. Thirty-four days... (Coughs.) (BARBARA stands and looks out of a barred window.) WOMAN SLAVE: You said your friend would meet you here. BARBARA: Did I? WOMAN SLAVE: On the road. You told me all about him. BARBARA: Yes, er, Ian. WOMAN SLAVE: Strange name. I've never heard of it before. I hopes he finds you. (Coughs.) (BARBARA smiles and nods, then she looks out of the window.) BARBARA: ...If I ever see him again. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. SEA (A Roman galley travels through the water.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. GALLEY (Rows of Galley slaves pull on the oars to the accompaniment of the beat of a drum and the cries of a GALLEY MASTER. IAN is amongst the slaves.) GALLEY MASTER: In out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in rest. (The slaves rest, exhausted. The GALLEY MASTER walks amongst them, a rope-end in his hand.) GALLEY MASTER: That's right. Make the best of it. There's supposed to be bad weather coming up. (He walks away. IAN speaks to the man he is chained next to - DELOS.) IAN: Five days, Delos. Five whole days. DELOS: Days, they soon melt into weeks, then months, then years. IAN: (Horrified at this thought.) Gotta get away from here. DELOS: Land, Ian. IAN: What? DELOS: Ian, it's land. (They look out of the oar hole.) DELOS: It's a long way. IAN: I'm not a great swimmer Delos, but, I'll take any risks, believe me. DELOS: If the plan works. IAN: Ah, there's only one way to find out, isn't there? (He looks behind him at the GALLEY MASTER then nods at DELOS who cries out and slumps forward.) IAN: Galley master! Galley master! He's dead. Dead! GALLEY MASTER: (Coming forward.) Move away, let me see. (As he bends over DELOS, IAN makes a grab for his arm. The GALLEY MASTER pushes him back.) GALLEY MASTER: You'll have to do better than that. DELOS: You alright, Ian? GALLEY MASTER: Right! Prepare your oars. Ready? Row! (The slaves start pulling on their oars.) GALLEY MASTER: In out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ROME. CELLS (BARBARA is attempting to force a bowl of food on the still coughing WOMAN SLAVE.) BARBARA: But you must try and eat something. WOMAN SLAVE: There's not enough for two. Besides, I bain't hungry. BARBARA: Come on, look, don't be silly. WOMAN SLAVE: Thank 'e. (BARBARA looks round. A well dressed, bald headed MAN is outside the cage watching her intently. She deliberately looks away.) MAN: What's your name young woman? (She ignores him.) MAN: Where do you come from? (Still no answer.) Young woman, I want to help you. (BARBARA turns and looks at him when she hears this.) MAN: Of course, you have to trust me. (She gets up and walks over to the bars.) BARBARA: Would I...would I get out of here? MAN: Oh yes. BARBARA: And be free to go where I choose. MAN: No, I'm afraid not, you see, I should have to buy you. (BARBARA walks away in disgust.) Now please, let me explain. BARBARA: I'm not interested. MAN: But you will be when you hear my proposal. BARBARA: Oh, go away! I don't have to listen to you. (SEVCHERIA enters and walks up to the MAN.) SEVCHERIA: Greetings, Tavius. TAVIUS: That young woman, how much? SEVCHERIA: I'm sorry Tavius, no private sales. She's to be sold by auction. TAVIUS: I'll give you a fair price. SEVCHERIA: Oh, I believe you would. But the answer's still no. TAVIUS: You think you'll get a higher figure than I can pay you? SEVCHERIA: We shall see at the auction then, won't we Tavius? (He pats his back. TAVIUS walks away. SEVCHERIA unlocks the door and passes BARBARA a new dress.) SEVCHERIA: Here. BARBARA: There's only one. (She looks at the WOMAN SLAVE on the floor.) What about her? SEVCHERIA: She won't be wanting any new clothes. BARBARA: Why not? Where's she going? SEVCHERIA: She wouldn't fetch any price at all at the auctions. She's to be taken to the circus... (He steps outside the cage and relocks the door.) SEVCHERIA: ...and thrown in the arena. (BARBARA, with a look of horror on her face, turns and looks down at the pensive features of the doomed WOMAN SLAVE.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. SEA (The Galley is caught up in a furious storm.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. GALLEY (The Galley slaves struggles to row against the storm. The GALLEY MASTER beats the drum.) GALLEY MASTER: In, out. If anyone breaks time, they'll be thrown overboard. DELOS: (His initial shouts are lost over the noise of the storm.) ...much more of this, Ian! GALLEY MASTER: In, out, row harder, row harder, do you hear! In, out! (DELOS takes his hands off the oar.) IAN: Keep rowing, Delos! DELOS: I can't! IAN: Put your hands over the oars, he'll kill you! GALLEY MASTER: In, out, in, out, in, out! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. SEA (Lightning flashes and waves crash onto the nearby shore.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. GALLEY (The GALLEY MASTER, looking upwards out of the hold, is covered with a deluge of water.) GALLEY MASTER: Keep rowing, keep rowing, do you hear! In, out, in, out, in, out! (IAN and DELOS shout at each other over the noise of the storm. Another deluge of water douses the slaves. The Galley suddenly lurches to one side, throwing the GALLEY MASTER off his feet and in amongst the slaves. They immediately attack him. Suddenly a beam crashes down as the ship starts to fall to pieces.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. SEA (Outside, the flashing lightening and crashing waves are as severe as ever.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. ROME. MARKET PLACE (The DOCTOR and VICKI have arrived at Rome and explore the market. VICKI carries the Lyre.) VICKI: Isn't it wonderful, Doctor! Can we explore? DOCTOR: Oh, I don't see why not, my child. For a while, anyway. Then we must present our credentials so to speak, before night falls. VICKI: You're not planning to visit Nero? DOCTOR: Now now now now, don't tell me what I'm not going to do. I've been invited. I can't disappoint Nero. (There is suddenly a roar from a group of men stood nearby.) VICKI: What's going on over there, Doctor? (On a raised platform, several frightened looking women are being thrown in front of the crowd. The slave auction is about to begin.) VICKI: What is it? DOCTOR: Oh, er, nothing to interest you, my dear. We're going to Rome, come along, don't let us delay. (He leads her away. The second they have gone, BARBARA is the last to be thrust onto the platform, again to a roar of approval from the assembled crowd of men. SEVCHERIA follows her onto the stage and addresses his "customers".) SEVCHERIA: I am delighted, Gentlemen, to see how much you have appreciated today's merchandise. (The crowd roar again.) SEVCHERIA: Let us prove how much so when you begin the bids. (Another roar.) SEVCHERIA: Very well, Gentlemen. (He pulls BARBARA forward.) How many Sesterchia am I bid for this fine female example of the beautiful, hard working, Britannic race? 1st MAN IN MARKET: Five Hundred! SEVCHERIA: Come, come sir! We all enjoy a good joke, but today we are interested in serious offers only. (A MAN grabs at BARBARA'S leg. She kicks him back. The crowd roar and laugh. BARBARA struggles in SEVCHERIA'S arms.) SEVCHERIA: Take note gentlemen, of the fiery spirit. Think about your bids and double it. 2nd MAN IN MARKET: Two thousand Sesterchia! SEVCHERIA: Yes? 1st MAN IN MARKET: Two thousand, five hundred! SEVCHERIA: Nearly a good offer gentleman, but come, you can do better than that! TAVIUS: Ten thousand. (To comments of "What?" and "Who said that?", the crowd turns round and looks at TAVIUS who walks forward. SEVCHERIA bends down to speak to him.) SEVCHERIA: Ten thousand? (TAVIUS smiles. SEVCHERIA stands and turns to BARBARA.) SEVCHERIA: You go to Tavius after all, my dear. (BARBARA looks down grimly at the smiling TAVIUS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. BEACH (The storm has now finished and the sea is now calmer. IAN lies face down on a beach. He comes round and sees that he is still chained. He hears a noise, turns over and sees DELOS stood over him, a rock in his hand.) IAN: Oh, Delos DELOS: Now you've come to, we'd better get these off. I've found a couple of rocks. You've er, you've been unconscious a long time, Ian. I was beginning to worry. IAN: What happened? I...I remember the storm. DELOS: Oh, the ship was smashed to pieces and you were struck by some falling timber. IAN: Oh, that's what it was, eh? DELOS: Do you remember when you grabbed the Galley Master? IAN: Yes...yes, I remember that. DELOS: Well, well, I got the key from him and I managed to free us. Except for our wrists. Afterwards I managed to get to here. The ship went down. IAN: You saved my life, Delos. DELOS: Yes, well, lets...lets get on with these, shall we? (IAN places his chain on the ground for DELOS to hit.) DELOS: Ready? IAN: Ready? (DELOS smashes the manacle on IAN'S right hand as he grimaces. After a couple of knocks, DELOS manages to wrench the manacle off.) DELOS: There we are. IAN: Ah, thanks. DELOS: Just one more. I've, er, I've managed to look around. We must be somewhere near Rome. IAN: Yes, we can't be far away. The boat was heading south. Perhaps we were going there. DELOS: Perhaps, You ready? IAN: Yes. (After three strikes, the second manacle is off. They stand.) IAN: Oh! DELOS: There we are. You, er...you feel alright? To travel I mean. We must get away from here. IAN: Yes, yes I feel alright. DELOS: Oh good. I...I think it's better if we stick together. Now if we head north we can... IAN: (Interrupting.) Sorry, Delos. I'm going to Rome. DELOS: Rome, but Ian, you're mad! IAN: You don't have to come. I have a friend who was taken there. I have to find her. DELOS: Rome? [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. NERO'S PALACE. CHAMBER (TAVIUS has brought BARBARA to NERO'S palace and is telling her why he was so interested in buying her.) TAVIUS: So you see, young woman, that's the whole story. I saw you with that poor woman slave, and it was then that I realised by the way that you were looking after her, that...I should have to help you. BARBARA: Why I only did what...most people would have done. (She sits.) TAVIUS: Now, now. No, I think not. Most people under such circumstances would have looked after themselves. No, you're kind and considerate. (He puts a hand on her.) BARBARA: (Slightly repulsed.) Thank you. TAVIUS: Unfortunately, I'm not able to give you your freedom. You'll still be a slave, but at least, here in Nero's house, as a...a servant of Poppea, life will be more pleasant than it could have been. BARBARA: (BARBARA smiles slightly.) I'm grateful for what you've done. But I must tell you that I have no intention of staying here. TAVIUS: Escape, you mean? Well, of course, I can't stop you but, er, I think you should consider it very carefully. If you should escape and you're recaptured, it would mean your death. BARBARA: (After a thoughtful pause.) Yes, I know. TAVIUS: I only select and buy the slaves. Fortunately, I'm not answerable for them. (A COURT MESSENGER enters the room.) TAVIUS: Yes? COURT MESSENGER: Maximus Pettulian from Corinth has arrived, sire, and with a small girl. He requests an audience with Caesar Nero. TAVIUS: (Looks thoughtful at this news.) Pettulian? Very well, ask him to come in. COURT MESSENGER: (Bows.) Sire. TAVIUS: Er no, wait. On second thoughts, perhaps it would be better if I came out to see him. COURT MESSENGER: (Bows again.) As you will. (He leaves.) TAVIUS: (To BARBARA.) You'll excuse me. (He holds up a necklace to the face of a very nervous BARBARA.) TAVIUS: I'll, er, instruct you in your duties later. (He leaves. BARBARA examines the necklace.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. NERO'S PALACE. RECEPTION CHAMBER (The DOCTOR and VICKI wait in a hall of columns.) DOCTOR: I shouldn't think there's a soul in this place that knows me, my dear, so there's no cause for you to worry. VICKI: I'll try not to, Doctor. (TAVIUS enters quietly behind them.) DOCTOR: Oh, it isn't a matter of trying my dear... (TAVIUS hisses to get the DOCTOR'S attention.) DOCTOR: ...if I say, and don't make that funny noise. VICKI: (Looking at TAVIUS over the DOCTOR'S shoulder.) But... DOCTOR: Hmm? What is it? TAVIUS: Maximus Pettulian! VICKI: (To the DOCTOR.) That's you! (The DOCTOR turns and walks over to TAVIUS who looks around him furtively.) DOCTOR: Oh, ha ha, yes yes yes. TAVIUS: I am Tavius. There was trouble, but I settled it. (TAVIUS checks round again to see if they are being overheard.) DOCTOR: What's happened? TAVIUS: He's in the apoditarium. DOCTOR: The apodi-what? TAVIUS: The apoditarium. DOCTOR: Oh really, well done, well done, yes! (The DOCTOR looks round at VICKI in puzzlement. The COURT MESSENGER enters the room and bangs a staff on the floor.) COURT MESSENGER: Caesar Nero, Emperor of all Rome! VICKI: (Excited.) Nero! I'm going to see Nero! (The DOCTOR shushes her. To a fanfare, and followed by a retinue, NERO enters the room. Ornately robed, corpulent, with a laurel wreath, he carries a joint of meat and belches out loud.) DOCTOR: (To VICKI as he bows.) Royal felicitations! VICKI: Oh, strentiatum! NERO: Someone spoke. Did I give permission to speak Tavius, did I give permission? DOCTOR: Caesar Nero, I... NERO: Now he's at it! How am I supposed to compose with all this noise going on? TAVIUS: (Introducing the DOCTOR.) Maximus Pettulian. NERO: Maximu...bu...he's Maximus Pettulian? TAVIUS: Yes... NERO: The Lyre player from Corinth? DOCTOR: (Bows.) In person. NERO: Play. DOCTOR: Hmm? NERO: (With menace.) Play. (The DOCTOR laughs nervously. VICKI looks scared. The DOCTOR takes the Lyre off her.) DOCTOR: With such a great...musician as yourself present, I would take the inspiration from your example sire. (Flattered, NERO takes the Lyre off the DOCTOR and snaps his fingers.) NERO: Oh...a stool. (The COURT MESSENGER places a stool next to the Emperor. He places one foot on it and strums three notes. He looks at the DOCTOR'S Lyre in disgust.) NERO: Oh, this is an inferior instrument, I cannot. (He thrusts the DOCTOR'S Lyre back to him.) Bring the imperial Lyre. DOCTOR: Beautiful, beautiful! Did you not hear that, my child? That instant composition? VICKI: Oh, yes, erm...Maximus. Could you play it? DOCTOR: Me? Well, er, I'll try, that is, er, with Caesar's permission. (NERO waves his approval. The DOCTOR strums the same three notes.) DOCTOR: That is the best I can do, I'm afraid. VICKI: Oh, no, it wasn't as good. NERO: Oh, of course it wasn't. (NERO plays a short tune on the imperial Lyre, smiles and passes it to the DOCTOR.) NERO: Try this one. DOCTOR: (Taking it from him.) That your excellency would be an impossibisil, impossibility. After such exquisite playing...I cannot presume...it would be...out of the question. May I suggest that this instrument goes to your temple? (NERO claps his hands in delight and points a slave to the Lyre.) DOCTOR: (Passing the Lyre over.) To the temple. NERO: And the imperial footstool. Have your, er, eaten, Maximus? (He puts the leg of meat in the DOCTOR'S hand.) DOCTOR: (Unsure what to say at this gift.) Er.. NERO: Tigilinus. (TIGILINUS, a nervous slave, steps forward. NERO wipes his hands on TIGILINUS'S toga.) NERO: We will talk and play together later, Maximus. When you have eaten...and practiced. (NERO and his retinue walk out of the room as the DOCTOR bows.) DOCTOR: (To VICKI.) Well, I must say, I got out of that one rather well, hmm? VICKI: Well, what happens when he asks you to play next time? DOCTOR: Yes. (Suddenly realises what she has said and looks worried.) Hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. ROME. STREET (NIGHT) (A very bedraggled IAN and DELOS have arrived in Rome. They keep to the shadows.) DELOS: Well, here were are Ian, Rome. Now what? IAN: To tell you the truth, Delos, I hadn't really thought. DELOS: Well, I suggest you start. We don't exactly look like respectable citizens of the capital. IAN: No. Well, first of all lets...er...find somewhere to clean up, eh, and I suppose Barbara must have been sold. We'll make a start there. DELOS: It'll be hopeless. I must, there must... IAN: You don't have to come, Delos. DELOS: I know, I know, but, well lucks been with us so far. Who's to say it won't hold? IAN: Good man, come on! (They run straight into two soldiers who hold swords at their throats.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. NERO'S PALACE. APODITARIUM (The DOCTOR and VICKI have found the room that TAVIUS spoke of. Its walls are curtained.) VICKI: Well, this seems to be the...apoditarium. I wonder what Tavius meant? DOCTOR: Oh, how should I know, my child? I can't for the life of me understand why I agreed to come here. VICKI: 'Cos you're as curious as I am. DOCTOR: Me, curious? Huh! Nonsense. Someone made a mistake. He thought he was talking...with somebody else, I shouldn't wonder. VICKI: Well, we might as well have a look round now we're here. DOCTOR: What? VICKI: Or would you rather we forgot? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. We may as well look around as you say. Hmm! (The DOCTOR pulls one of the curtains aside. A dead body lies within.) DOCTOR: Strange, very strange! (VICKI runs over and joins him.) VICKI: Oh, Doctor, that's the Centurion who found us and brought us to the house. DOCTOR: I'm quite aware of that, my child, but what does it all mean? What does it all mean? Hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. ROME. CELLS (IAN and DELOS are thrown into a cage. SEVCHERIA looks through the bars at them.) SEVCHERIA: I don't know what all the fuss is about. Your lucky the soldiers brought you to me. IAN: Lucky? That's hardly the word I'd use. SEVCHERIA: Well, you know as well as I do, escaped slaves are put to death automatically. This way at least you'll have a chance of fighting for your freedom. IAN: A chance? How? SEVCHERIA: By putting on a good show in the arena. And hoping Nero's in a benevolent mood. (He and the soldiers walk away. IAN turns to DELOS.) IAN: The arena? DELOS: Well, it sounds as if we're going to be trained as gladiators? IAN: Yes, but to fight what? (They hear a roaring sound from outside the barred window.) IAN: Listen! (IAN rushes to the window. The WOMAN SLAVE who BARBARA helped earlier watches them from the cage next to theirs. Outside the window, IAN sees several cages containing pacing, ravenous Lions. IAN looks at DELOS and walks away from the window with a grim look on his face.)

Plan: A: a rare holiday; Q: What do Ian and Barbara take? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is taken to the court of Emperor Nero? A: adventure; Q: What do the Doctor and Vicki set off to pursue? A: slave traders; Q: Who kidnapped Ian and Barbara? A: Maximus Pettulian; Q: Who does the Doctor imitate? A: Emperor Nero; Q: Who was the Emperor of Rome in A.D. 64? A: history; Q: What course does the Doctor play a part in deciding? Summary: Landing in Rome, A.D. 64 the travellers take a rare holiday. While Ian and Barbara are happy to relax, the Doctor and Vicki set off to pursue adventure. However, adventure soon finds Ian and Barbara too as they are kidnapped by slave traders, and the Doctor's imitation of Maximus Pettulian sees him taken to the court of Emperor Nero where he inadvertently plays a part in deciding the course of history...

Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Seth Kurland [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.] Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that's (pauses to figure the total) $12.75. Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn't split our 80 dollar phone bill in half. (A good-looking woman approaches.) Woman: Hi! Joey: Hi! Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte? Joey: Oh that's on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani. Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime? Joey: Well, he's not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him-He says it's okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye! Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn't free? Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I'm getting more dates than ever! Rachel: Wait a minute, you're only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls? Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross! Joey: How about a scone on the house baby? Phoebe: (giggles) I'm pretty. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.] Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum? Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y'know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it's in here somewhere. Ross: Y'know what? I'm good! I'm good! Monica: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work? Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can't work if I'm sick. All: Ohh! Chandler: I'm so sorry you're sick. Monica: I'm not sick!! I don't get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies! Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you're a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica's nose, as does Joey.) Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.) Chandler: I'm gonna grab you some tissue. Monica: I don't need a tissue! I'm fine-d! Ross: When you put a 'D' at the end of 'Fine' you're not fine. Monica: I'm fine-d. I'm fine-d! Y'know, it's a really hard word to say. (There's a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.) Chandler: Yes? (A woman enters.) Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! (They run and hug each other.) Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.) Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that's Phoebe (points), and that's Joey. Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin'? Rachel: Don't!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?! Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that's bitter? Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off. Phoebe: Never mind, I got it. Jill: And y'know what I said to him? "I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I'm gonna cut you off!" Rachel: Wow! What did he say? Jill: That he wouldn't pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he's actually proud off. Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad's proud of me! My dad's proud of me. Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.) Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off? Jill: Okay, I bought a boat. Monica: You bought a boat? Jill: Yeah but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend. Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.) Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could've ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I'm the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna get a job, you're gonna get an apartment, and then I'll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us? Phoebe: Of course, yeah! Jill: Oh, that's so great! Okay, I'm really gonna do this! I don't know how to thank you guys. Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.] Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here? Customer: Yes. Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.) Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars. Joey: What?! Gunther: For all the free food you gave away. Joey: Well if it's free food, how come you're charging me for it? Gunther: We don't give anything away unless it's someone's birthday. Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest? Gunther: No! Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.) Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.) Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card. Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don't you want to rent me this apartment?" pants. Ross: I don't think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own. Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical! Phoebe: Seriously, I don't Rachel's gonna think it's a good idea. Jill: So who made her queen of the world? Phoebe: I would love that job! Rachel: (entering) Hey! What's goin' on? Jill: Hey! Rachel: (notices Jill's bags) Jill! Did you shop?! Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross) Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping! Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill's nose when you know she's trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible! Phoebe: Sorry Jill. Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill. Rachel: What'd you get? Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y'know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.) Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants. Rachel: Apartment pants? Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them? Rachel: No, of course, of course I've heard of them! Ross, what did you get? Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this-(Holds up this pink frilly thing)-this! Rachel: A pajmena? Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies! Rachel: Really? Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena? Ross: It's a rug. (Jill winces.) Rachel: Jill? Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I'm sorry Rachel, I'm sorry... Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that's gonna work on me?! I invented that! Jill: Right! But, I am sorry. Rachel: All right, it's okay. One little setback is okay, just don't let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I'm just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y'know what, I'm just gonna take it all away, 'cause that way you'll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I'm gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill's stuff.) Jill: She took all my stuff. Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.) Jill: (gasps) That's the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much! Ross: Well. Hey... Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug! Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I'm sorry!" Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all! Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y'know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I? (They both look at her.) Jill: Were you this cute in high school? Ross: Oh stop. Jill: No you stop! Ross: No, you stop! Jill: You stop! Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don't I sit here and you'll both stop it! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.] Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let's do something crazy! Chandler: I know, let's rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.) Monica: Okay, I'll rest. But y'know if I'm going to bed, then you're coming with me. Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren't all drippy here. (Points to his nose.) Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don't wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn't work all that well with the big robe.) Chandler: Yeah, I don't you should say that even when you're healthy. Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.) Chandler: Don't take this personally okay? It's just that I just can't have s*x with a sick person. Monica: I'm with you Chandler! I mean I can't have s*x with a sick person either, that's disgusting! But I'm not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe. Chandler: That's the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe. [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.] Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Rachel: What's up?! Phoebe: Umm, I think there's something you should maybe know. Rachel: Well, it'd better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it. Phoebe: No. No. It's just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I'm pretty sure I saw a little spark between them. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Yeah I mean it's probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there. Rachel: With Ross and Jill? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: With Ross and my sister? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Oh there is no way. Phoebe: Okay then. Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don't really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn't that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they're gonna have s*x! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can't stop it! I can't-I don't own Ross! Y'know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can't believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.] Joey: That'll be $3.85. Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff! Joey: It's just I can't because my manager said I... (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie... Woman: Amy! Joey: (still singing) "...Amy! Happy birthday to you!" A Male Customer: Hey, that's weird, today's my birthday too! Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn't. Jill: (entering) Sorry I'm late, what's up? Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y'know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front. Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn't go in. How strong am I? Rachel: That is great. Hey, y'know who doesn't have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university. Jill: Yeah. Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you're gonna go out? Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that? Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y'know thought she saw something between you guys. Jill: No! I mean he's nice. Rachel: Yeah. Jill: He's the kind of guy you're friends with, y'know? But he's not the kind of guy you date. He's the kind of guy you'd date because you did. Me, not so much. Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross? Jill: Oh no-no-no, he's just I don't know, he's just a little bookish. Rachel: Are-are you saying he's a geek? Jill: You think so too? Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek! Jill: Fine, then let's just say he's not my type. Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren't on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him! Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I'll ask him out. Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that's not what I meant. Jill: No! Y'know what Rachel? You're right, y'know he has been really nice to me. Rachel: Yeah but, he's not your type. Jill: Yeah but maybe that's a good thing. Y'know I'm doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too! Rachel: Yeah but, you don't, you don't, you don't want to try to much too fast. Y'know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don't you? Jill: What? Rachel: She-she died Jill. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.] Monica: (still sick) Chandler! Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she's trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh! Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed. Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep. Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room. Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y'know what's sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy. Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I'm not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.) Chandler: Would you please get some rest! Monica: I'm fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.] Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!" Gunther: You're paying for that. Joey: What? No-no it's her birthday! Gunther: You've sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today! Joey: But it really... Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins. Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.) Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out? Rachel: Well yeah... Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she's cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never! Rachel: Really?! Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!" Rachel: Oh so-so not really never. Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we've been through, I just-y'know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing. Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who's on the couch reading.] Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I'm sick. Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe! Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.) Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way. Monica: Come on! I really need your help! Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! Monica: Fine, I'll rub it on myself. Chandler: Okay. (To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I'll let you fill in the blank here.) Chandler: So you're just, kinda rubbing it on yourself? Monica: Yeah? Chandler: It's nice. Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on? Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.) Monica: I can't believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell? Chandler: It's all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up? Monica: Not now, I'm sick! Chandler: Oh come on you big faker! Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people? Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action. Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have s*x... Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.) Monica: Worked like a charm. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.] Jill: (entering) Hi! Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here? Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she's wearing.) Rachel: Well, I-I don't like it. Jill: Really?! Rachel: It's kinda slutty. Jill: It's yours! Rachel: Yeah well, I'm-I'm a slut. Jill: (laughs) Me too. Ross: (entering) Hi Jill! Jill: Hey! Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment). Rachel: Rachel. Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you're not at home, you're-you're-you're right here. Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it's not! (There's an awkward silence.) Ross: Okay. So well I'll umm, (To Rachel) I'll have her home by midnight. (Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross's apartment. We see that Ross's apartment is empty.] Rachel: Why aren't you home yet?! Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there? Rachel: Oh yes, it's me! Sorry! Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here? Rachel: Uh, I'm just, I'm just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing? Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places. (We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.) Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment. Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Ross's apartment) Is that your sister? Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut! Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?! Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he's taking off her clothes! Chandler: He's taking off her coat! (We see that Ross is taking off Jill's coat.) Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible. Monica: Oh no it's not, no it's not. It's a first date. I'm sure that nothing is gonna...(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.) Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.) Chandler: Ho-oh, he's gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y'know so umm, he's closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I'm off to bed! (Goes to bed.) To Be Continued Ending Credits (There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.)

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who uses his position as a waiter to give free things to pretty female customers? A: the coffee house; Q: Where does Joey work? A: Gunther; Q: Who gets Joey in trouble? A: Monica; Q: Who refuses to admit she is sick? A: a bad cold; Q: What does Monica get? A: ( Reese Witherspoon; Q: Who played Rachel's sister Jill? A: their father; Q: Who cut off Jill? Summary: Joey uses his position as waiter to give all the pretty female customers free things at the coffee house, but quickly gets in trouble with Gunther. Monica refuses to admit she is sick when she gets a bad cold. Rachel's sister Jill ( Reese Witherspoon ) shows up after their father financially cuts her off, and she now has to make it on her own.

(Continuing from last week's episode. Badenweiler. Dixon stands, Sydney kneels in the bushes, staring at the building that just exploded, horrified.) DIXON: Sydney, we've got to run! Sydney, we've got to move! Sydney, we've got to move, now! What's the matter, are you hurt? SYDNEY: No... (Three guards run to them, speaking in German.) DIXON: Let's go! RUN! (Dixon and Sydney take off, and the chase is on. They run through the trees, the three guards behind them.) DIXON: Go, go, go, go! GO! (The guards begin shooting. Sydney's running, tears streaming down her cheeks.) DIXON: Don't stop! (More gunfire. Dixon stops running and hides behind a tree. Sydney keeps running and jumps behind a fallen tree, laying on the ground. Wracked with tears and guilt, she stays there, hiding. One of the guards with a flashlight in hand comes closer. Suddenly, Dixon takes him and kicks him. Punches him. In the background, Dixon and the guard grunt and punch, Sydney sits there in almost a catatonic state, crying. Dixon punches the guard one last time, and he falls.) DIXON: Come on, Sydney. We've got to go. (In the self-storage facility, Vaughn and Sydney meet.) SYDNEY: I couldn't move. Dixon had to drag me to my feet, just to get to the van. When he asked me what was wrong, why I had just frozen... I made up something about having a flashback to Danny. VAUGHN: You did everything you could. SYDNEY: I was supposed to stop the detonation. I didn't. And because of that, four C.I.A. agents were killed. VAUGHN: You had no way of knowing Dixon had a second trigger. There was nothing you could do. SYDNEY: I could've told him the truth. Dixon needs to know who he's really working for. VAUGHN: Sydney-- SYDNEY: I know, I can't pu his family at risk. VAUGHN: Or yourself. SYDNEY: I know all of that, but it's the right thing to do. Those men died for no reason. VAUGHN: No. Those men died for their country. (Sydney looks away, turning her back to him.) SYDNEY: Sydney, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that. (At Sydney's house, she sits in front of the coffee table, going through pictures. Candles are lit. She gingerly picks a framed picture up. It's of her mother. She smiles sadly. The door opens, and Francie enters.) SYDNEY: Hey. FRANCIE: Hey. SYDNEY: You worked late. FRANCIE: Bar association dinner. One of the lawyers wnated to sue me because his chicken was undercooked. Can you believe that -- an obnoxious lawyer? SYDNEY: What about your obnoxious lawyer? Have you talked to him? FRANCIE: I'm meeting Charlie for lunch this week. SYDNEY: That's good. FRANCIE: Syd, he's going to break up with me. SYDNEY: Did he say that? He didn't say that. FRANCIE: He didn't have to. He was sneaking around on me. He was with that girl, Rachel. And there's stuff he's doing that he can't tell me about? Please. SYDNEY: I don't think he'd be meeting with you just to break up with you. Guys don't do that. If they want to end things, they just vanish. Right? (Francie spots the picture of Mrs. Bristow that Sydney was looking at.) FRANCIE: Your mom was so pretty. SYDNEY: Yeah, she was. Thanks. FRANCIE: I got to go change. I feel a binge coming on. (Sydney smiles at her.) FRANCIE: Hey, how was your trip? SYDNEY: Oh. Not good. I was working with these people who... they were terminated. FRANCIE: Oh, man. The economy sucks. (Later, in bed, Sydney reads. The phone rings beside her; she answers.) SYDNEY: Hello? HELEN: This is Helen Calder, you left me a message? Something about my husband having worked with your father? (The next day, Sydney is meeting with Mrs. Calder at her house. They drink tea.) SYDNEY: I know that your husband worked with the F.B.I. and that his job was to investigate C.I.A. agents that were suspected of spying for Russia. My dad was one of the agents that your husband investigated. I know that much. Did he ever mention the name Jack Bristow? HELEN: I'm sorry. Bentley didn't talk much about his work. (Sydney looks up and sees a picture on the mantle of a smiling man.) SYDNEY: He looks kind. HELEN: Oh, he is. SYDNEY: I thought Bentley was dead? HELEN: Oh, oh, dear, no. That isn't Bentley. That's my boyfriend, Gary. (Sydney smiles sheepishly. Mrs. Calder gets up and moves to the drawer of a cabinet, gets out a framed picture. She shows Sydney.) HELEN: This is Bentley. He wasn't so nice. (Sydney looks shocked as she holds the picture.) SYDNEY: When did Bentley pass away? HELEN: 1981, in a car accident. (The breath catches in Sydney's throat.) SYDNEY: Do you have a copy of this? HELEN: I think so. (At Sydney's house, she enters and runs to her bedroom. She finds a hat box on one of her shelves, and puts it on her bed. Frantically, she rips off the lid and starts flying through the gathered pictures and little pieces of paper. Finally, she finds purchase -- a newspaper clipping. The headline reads "Two Die In Icy Collision." There's a picture of Bentley, and a picture of Sydney's mother. Not believing it, and needing confirmation without a doubt in her mind, Sydney grabs her purse and takes the picture of Bentley Calder that she got from Helen. She holds the picture from Helen up to the newspaper. It's the same man. Bentley Calder, the agent that was investigating her father, died in the same car accident as her mother.) (Self-storage facility.) SYDNEY: For the last twenty yers, I thought I knew how my mom died. She and my dad had been out at the movies, tehyw ere coming home late and a man -- some postal worker -- was driving, coming from the other direction. The police said alcohol wasn't a factor. This man must've lalen asleep. His car drifted over the white line. My dad swerved, and they went of the Canyon Creek bridge. I always told myself that my mom didn't have time to know what was happening. Now I know that Calder was hunting down a KGB agent -- myf ather. So what happened that night was no accident. Calder was probably chasing them, they probably lost control and the cars crashed. Whatever it was, it brings me back to the same conclusion. If my father hadn't been a double agent, my mom would still be alive today. I'm sorry to lay all this on you, it's just that I have no one to talk to about this. VAUGHN: It's okay. SYDNEY: I want to report him. VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: I want to turn him in. VAUGHN: For what? For being under suspicion twenty years ago? The Agency knows that. SYDNEY: What about the file -- the one you pulled for me? There were pages missing. Maybe it didn't end twenty years ago, maybe he's still working for Russia! VAUGHN: Stop. Okay? Stop. What matters, what is important, is taking down SD-6. Jack -- your father -- is helping us do that! SYDNEY: So, you're suggesting, once again, that I do nothing? VAUGHN: Not about this! We have too much work to do, and your relationship with him-- SYDNEY: I wasn't supposed to do anything about Dixon, either. Let me ask you this -- is anything EVER unacceptable to you?! VAUGHN: I understand that we're talking about your dad here, and that if he did sell secrets, or is selling secrets, that would be hard. SYDNEY: I would hope that would be hard on you, too! VAUGHN: Before you do anything, let me find out if he's under suspicion, if he's being tracked. Just give me two days, all right? (University campus. Francie and Charlie sit on a bench together.) FRANCIE: I get it. You wanted to do it in person, but instead of coming right out with it, you're making all kinds of small talk. Which I think is really pathetic. CHARLIE: Francie-- FRANCIE: I've always supported you, no matter what. And the ide athat you would sneak around behind my back and lie to me about it, is just the worst part. I can't-- CHARLIE: Francie-- FRANCIE: After all that we have been through. CHARLIE: I want to be a singer. FRANCIE: A singer. CHARLIE: I wasn't going to say anything until I had everything set up. That woman -- Rachel -- she plays piano. When you saw us that night, we were rehearsing. We have our first gig this Friday night. (He gives her tickets.) FRANCIE: A singer? CHARLIE: Sweetheart, I'm sorry I wasn't up-front about this before, but being a lawyer, it's been my goal -- my family's goal -- forever, and the thought of me doing something else... I've been wanting to do something else. Fran, I've been to afraid to admit that. FRANCIE: You're not breaking up with me? CHARLIE: Are you kidding? You're my baby. (They kiss.) (Will's newspaper office. He walks down the hall, talking on his cell.) WILL: Charlie singing? I wouldn't miss it. (He pats someone on the back with a newspaper.) GUY: Hey, Will. WILL: (keeps walking) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will be there. Yes. Yes. Best behavior, I got it. (He's at his desk, and sees Jenny sitting in his chair behind it. He hangs up.) WILL: Get off my chair. JENNY: How's Sydney? That was Sydney, right? WILL: Okay, you got to stop doing that. Anybody call when I was out? JENNY: Yep. A guy from the DMV. He ran the license plate you copied off of Kate Jones' car. WILL: The woman pretending to be Kate Jones. According to her social security number, the real Kate Jones died in 1973. (He dials the phone.) WILL: Hello, Hank? Hello, it's Will. Hey, you come up with anything? Did that match the license plate number for 663, Sam, Tango, Frank? Oh, you're the best. Bye. (hangs up) Okay... (He writes on a pad of paper. Jenny reads over his shoulder.) JENNY: "Eloise Kurtz." WILL: Eloise Kurtz is living proof that someone's covering up Danny's murder. And she was definitely lying about having an affair with him. 223 Whitley Place, Hollywood. (Credit Dauphine. Sydney walks in the white room, it illuminates red. Inside, she walks in between the phone banks. Sloane approaches.) SLOANE: Good work in Germany, Sydney. The inhaler prototype's safely in Analysis. The Badenweiler factory was demolished without any casualties. SYDNEY: Thanks. Dixon deserves the credit. Not me. (They walk into a meeting room. Jack, Marshall, Dixon, Sloane, Sydney.) SLOANE: Jack will no longer be working out of Jennings Aerospace. His assignment there is complete. As of today, he will be working here with a cover as portfolio manager for Credit Dauphine. This way, he can more actively participate in the planning and execution of missions. (Everyone expects a reaction from Sydney.) SYDNEY: (forced smile) Good. SLOANE: Jack. MR. BRISTOW: Two months ago, FTL vacated their forward base at Roubaix and their support station at Chaniers. All the heavy equipment was moved, including the T-47s. At the time, recovery team found this at Robaix. (He passes a greeting card over to Sydney. The front has a big yellow smiley face. She opens it. A MIDI-type jingle plays and inside the card says "Happy Birthday!".) MR. BRISTOW: Last week, we learned that FTL also abandoned their transfer facility at Kenilwork. Our recovery team did a sweep, they returned with this. (He passes another card down. It's the same as the one before. Dixon opens one, hears the jingle, and immediately closes it.) DIXON: Is the ink encoded? (Marshall's eating something, quite loudly.) MARSHALL: Oh, that was my first thought as well. (beat) You want some fritter? It's apple. (He holds out the fritter to Dixon.) SLOANE: Analysis studied the music sample. They foudn an identical pattern of numbers buried in the higher frequencies. It's not noise. It is where they hide the code. SYDNEY: Have we deciphered it? SLOANE: No. (He clicks a remote, a picture of a large ship pops up.) SLOANE: "Barrage" -- it's a converted salvage tug. FTL uses it as a floating lab. Weapon design, data storage, crypto. An SD-6 commando team stormed the ship last night as it was passing through the Panama Canal. They brought back this. (He clicks a button, something else comes up. Drawings.) SYDNEY: What is it? MR. BRISTOW: FTL's latest code machine. Without this device, we're unable to read any of their communications. DIXON: How does it work? MARSHALL: Very well. Heh. Uh, we don't--we don't know yet. SLOANE: The team gathered what they could. Unfortunately, there was a self-destruct on the ship. Needless to say, they left fairly quickly. MR. BRISTOW: From what they gathered, only eight of these decoders have been produced. One of them is currently in the possession of this man. (A picture of the man in question pops up.) SLOANE: John Smythe... owner of the Hobbes End photo gallery in London. He's also an FTL operative. One of the code machines is being held in the gallery, awaiting pickup next Tuesday. You leave for London tonight. MR. BRISTOW: We want to find out where FTL relocated, and what they're up to. Your job is to bring back the encoding machine. (Sydney is leaving. The door to the white room opens. Mr. Bristow is following her.) MR. BRISTOW: I would have told you about the realignment, but you were in Badenweiler. (lower voice) I heard about what happened. It's tragic. SYDNEY: I know about you! That you were hunted by the F.B.I.! And I know that mom died because they went after you. MR. BRISTOW: Sydney... SYDNEY: Every time I think I know just how awful you are, I learn something worse. (She gets inside the elevator.) SYDNEY: But this time, I'm going to make sure you pay. (The doors close.) (Golf driving range. Vaughn walks up, holding a container of balls. He walks up beside Sydney, puts a small box down. She tkes it, opens it. It's a child's plastic bug that little kids use to frighten people.) SYDNEY: What's this? VAUGHN: A bug. SYDNEY: What are you, twelve-years-old? VAUGHN: No, a bug. We didn't know about Smythe. SYDNEY: After we get the code machine, they'll scan for listening devices. VAUGHN: Technology on this thing is totally passive. The guys at Langley actually cribbed the design from a Russian device they pulled from the American embassy. The thing only works when we hit it with a microwave beam off an orbital satellite. Then it acts as a microphone. It's completely undetectable. SYDNEY: And if they find it, they'll just think it's a bug. VAUGHN: Exactly. SYDNEY: What about the code machine? VAUGHN: Chances are, we won't have time to pull a switch, so deliver it to SD-6. When they break the code, they'll inform their affiliate offices through the computer network. Thanks to you, we're still downloading from their mainframe. SYDNEY: How much have you gotten so far? VAUGHN: Almost two per cent. SYDNEY: In all this time, that's all you got? VAUGHN: If we take too much, too quickly, they'll notice the leak. But we're patient. We can get all their internal files and then we can do some real damage. SYDNEY: Good. VAUGHN: Oh, I checked around about your dad. He's clena. No internal investigations that-- SYDNEY: I told him. VAUGHN: Told him what? SYDNEY: That I know everything -- about Calder, his spying for the KGB, the accident. VAUGHN: Damn it! I told you not to say anything. SYDNEY: I'm sorry, but I don't care. If you'd been in my position, you probably wouldn't have been able to control yourself, either. VAUGHN: You're just going to have to learn how to do that. SYDNEY: Don't lecture me about my father. Because of the spy trade, my mother is dead. You couldn't possibly understand what it's like to have a parent die that way. (Vaughn's silent. He looks down.) VAUGHN: There's a book back at Langley. They keep it locked up under glass, and behind it is a marble wall with stars carved in it. It's a memorial to the agents the company lost in action. Families are never told how they died, or even where. Only that they won't be coming home. I was eight when my father became one of those stars. At the funeral, there's a protocol the Agency representative has to follow. What to say, whose hands to shake. You're admonished -- that is actually the word they used, "admonished" -- not to be conspiculously emotional. SYDNEY: Vaughn, I'm so sorry... VAUGHN: The agents that died in Badenweiler. I've been asked to represent the Agency at their funearls. (He casually, distractedly, hits one of the golf balls.) (In an apartment building, Will wlaks donw the hallway. He finds apartment 2 and knocks.) WILL: Delivery. Got a package for Eloise Kurtz. (She opens the door.) WILL: I just need five minutes. KATE/ELOISE: How did you know my name? WILL: I won't use it, if that's what you're afraid of. KATE/ELOISE: Just leave me alone! I don't know anything! WILL: See, it's people woh say that that always know much more than they think they do. Do you know how they kiled him? Danny Hecht? They broke into his apartment, and they shot him in his bathtub! KATE/ELOISE: I don't know anything! WILL: It was three bullets. It was two here (gestures) and one straight through the heart. (Eloise/Kate Jones moves into her apartment and gets her purse.) KATE/ELOISE: I'm warning you! WILL: Come on, I just want five minutes. KATE/ELOISE: Okay, I have pepper spray! (She sprays it in his eyes. Will falls back in the hallway, clutching his face.) WILL: OWWW! Oh, God, my eyes! KATE/ELOISE: I told you! Okay, I warned you! Now, just go away! WILL: My eyes... okay! (She slams the door.) (London. Inside the art gallery, dance music plays. Sydney and Dixon are there, in disguise.) SYDNEY: You ready? (He nods.) SYDNEY: It should take me about twenty seconds to get down the hall. (Sydney makes her way over to the exit where a guard stands. She eats something off of a tray a waiter holds. Dixon, looking at the pieces, takes out a cigar and lights up. People stare, once they smell the smoke. A man gestures to the guard. The guard goes to Dixon. While he's away, Sydney slips past the railing and goes down the hall.) OFFICIAL: Excuse me, sir. Hello. Actually, this is a non-smoking gallery. DIXON: (French accent) Not anymore. OFFICIAL: Well, I'm afraid if you don't put that thing out, we're going to have to escort yu out the door. DIXON: What kind of a deal you think I can get if I take the entire collection? (Beat.) OFFICIAL: I'll go call the owner. [SCENE_BREAK] (Down the hall, Sydney walks down the hall. Around the corner is the office. Smythe is inside. The phone rings.) SMYTHE: Yeah? I'll be right there. (He hangs up. On his way out, he hits the numbers for the alarm to set. The motion sensor arms. He leaves. He walks past Sydney who was hiding around the corner in the otherwise deserted hallway. She throws her purse and it stops the door from closing, wedging itself between the door and the wall. She enters the office, picking up her purse. She sees the motion senor arming. She takes a hat off of the desk and throws it on top of the motion sensor alarm, enabling her to move without setting it off. She looks around, and puts on her green sunglasses that match her lime green dress. She sees where the vault is hidden behind the wall with the x-ray glasses and takes off her watch.) (Smythe, Official, and Dixon walk around.) SMYTHE: Chester Conlon is an award winning artist. DIXON: It is almost Keeferesque. SMYTHE: I said the same thing. (A man coughs from the cigar smoke.) DIXON: This bothering you, by the way? SMYTHE: Not at all. (Sydney has her watch strapped onto the vault's door. As she moves the dial, the watch will beep twice whenever she comes to the right digit. It beeps, she turns the dial for the other number. It beeps. She opens the vault and finds the code machine, puts it in her green purse. She closes the vault door and tkes her watch, puts it back on. She finds the plastic bug that was hidden in between her breasts and sticks it under the counter in the office. Just then, the hat falls off of the motion sensor and she moves -- the alarm goes off.) (Inside the gallery...) DIXON: I'm tempted, but I don't know. SMYTHE: Sir, I've already offered to come down ten per cent. DIXON: Ten per cent is not twenty per cent. (Dixon spots the guard over Smythe's shoulder getting notified of the alarm going off.) (Sydney is walking down the hall, out of the office. She hears someone coming closer. She panicks, and goes back to the office. She tries opening the door but the door is locked. She has nowhere to go. The guard comes around the corner... Sydney isn't there. She's in the open ceiling, straddling a pipe above the guard's head. He looks around, goes to the office door to open it. Suddenly, steam starts blowing through the pipes. Sydney's mouth is gaping open -- she touches the pipe, and a sign that says "Extreme Heat -- Danger of Scalding" is shown. She holds herself up above the pipe, wincing in pain as the pipe she's laying her body on top of, gets hotter. The guard drops the keys, tries again. He goes inside. Sydney winces, trying not to yell out in pain. Metal clanks. The man hears it, and goes to see what that was. He moves down the hallway. Sydney climbs over to the other pipes parallel to her, swings over the one smaller pipe that is not scalding hot with her green purse in her mouth. She moves like a gymnast. The guard comes back, goes inside the office. She hangs down off the pipe, and runs.) (Inside the gallery.) SMYTHE: I'll eat the tax, but that is it. (Sydney walks over to them.) SYDNEY: (French accent) Cherie, I think I prefer the Lamborghini. DIXON: You are the birthday girl. (turning to Smythe) Could you do something with this? (He gives the cigar to Smythe; Dixon and Sydney walk out together.) (Los Angeles. Sydney sits on her bed, dressed for work. Francie stands in front of the full length mirror, trying on a top that would go over her tank.) FRANCIE: He doesn't sing in the car. He doesn't sing in the shower. He doesn't even sing at the national anthem at baseball games. I mean, he doesn't even hum. SYDNEY: (re: the top) To, like, "I'm with the band." Kind of. FRANCIE: If he had a good voice, he would have used it somewhere once. I would have heard it. You're going to be there, right? I mean, I need you there. SYDNEY: Of course I'm going to be there. FRANCIE: When he's not -- if he's not good -- he's going to be so devastated. You know that. SYDNEY: Or it could be the start of something great. (She gets up, walking out.) SYDNEY: Raid my closet! FRANCIE: Thanks, but, I got boobs. (At the club, Francie, Sydney, Will and Amy sit. Charlie and Rachel stand in front of them.) RACHEL: Hi, I'm Rachel. FRANCIE: Hi. RACHEL: Charlie has told me so much about you. FRANCIE: Really? RACHEL: Going for your MBA, best cook ever. You're like this mythic person. FRANCIE: Okay, I like her! CHARLIE: This is Will. WILL: You know anything about me? CHARLIE: And Sydney. SYDNEY: Hi. WILL: (gestures) This is my sister, Amy. AMY: Hi. (Will's cell phone rings.) WILL: Will Tippin. VOICE: It's Eloise Kurtz. WILL: Sorry, I can't hear you. Hold on. (He moves away so the others won't hear, namely Sydney.) SYDNEY: This is so exciting! CHARLIE: A little terrifying. RACHEL: We've got to get ready. FRANCIE: You guys are going to be great. (They walk away. Francie turns to Sydney.) FRANCIE: This is going to be a disaster. SYDNEY: Stop it! (At another corner of the bar, Will talks in his cell phone.) WILL: Hi. KATE/ELOISE: Are you all right? WILL: You mean can I see again? KATE/ELOISE: I feel horrible. WILL: No, it's okay. I was wearing my glasses. KATE/ELOISE: I'm really not a bad person. WILL: No, I never said you were a bad person. You just got to tell me. Help me out here, please. KATE/ELOISE: They gave me two thousand dollars cash to say that I was having an affair with Danny Hecht. WILL: Well, who did? Who gave you the money? KATE/ELOISE: I was in between jobs, my car was broken. It's still broken. Anybody in my position would have done the same thing. WILL: Can I buy you a cup of coffee, huh? Meet you in person? KATE/ELOISE: Why don't you come by my apartment tomorrow afternoon? WILL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about three o'clock? I have a great car mechanic, if you need one, too. (In her apartment, Eloise stares straight ahead, listening to all the commotion at the bar, depressed and afraid that maybe her life is in danger. That she might not ever hear all that again.) WILL: Hello? Hello? KATE/ELOISE: Yeah, I'm here... WILL: Listen, everything's going to be okay. (She hangs up. Applause. Charlie takes the stage. Will moves over to the bar with Sydney, Francie and Amy.) WILL: (to Sydney) It was a fact-checker. How's Francie? SYDNEY: A wreck. (The microphone whines with feedback. Charlie stands in the back, looking really nervous. Everyone is quiet. Francie looks scared for him. Charlie doesn't move.) SYDNEY: WHOO-HOO! CHARLIE! WHOO-HOO! (Sydney shouts this while pumping her fist in the air. Everyone laughs, including Sydney. Charlie smiles, the nervous tension effectively broken. He moves to the microphone. Rachel starts playing on the keyboard. Francie closes her eyes, maybe the song has special meaning?) CHARLIE: (singing) When the road gets dark, and you can no longer see. Just let my love throw a spark. And have a little faith in me. (Francie looks blown away at his talent.) CHARLIE: (singing) When the tears you cry are all you can believe. Just give these loving arms a try, and have a little faith in me. Have a little faith in me. Have a little faith in me... (Francie is beaming with pride.) FRANCIE: That's my boyfriend. CHARLIE: (singing) Have a little faith in me. Have a little faith in me. (Perhaps the next day or Monday, Sydney walks into SD-6, slow motion.) CHARLIE: (voice over, singing) When your secret heart cannot speak so easily... come here, darlin', from a whisper start. To have a little faith in me. Have a little faith in me. (She puts her things down at her desk. Starts to take off her coat. Dixon comes up behind her and takes it off of her. She brightly smiles at him.) CHARLIE: (voice over, singing) Have a little faith in me, have a little faith in me. Have a little faith in me... (In a meeting with Sydney, Marshall, Sloane, Dixon and Mr. Bristow. Sydney puts her thumb on the coding machine she stole from the gallery. It makes a noise.) SYDNEY: It tickles. What just happened? MARSHALL: It took a piece of your thumb. A speck. A cell. And this is, like, true genius. It created a code based on your DNA. SLOANE: That's how the code from those greeting cards worked. The encoding was DNA based. SYDNEY: Whose? MR. BRISTOW: We know he was the recepient of one of the cards. (A picture comes up.) Gareth Parkishoff, leader of the FTL cell in Rabat. SLOANE: That's the good news. We know it's Parkishoff. (Marshall types on his laptop, quickly and loudly.) SLOANE: The bad news is Parkishoff is dead. We need a sample of his DNA, and we don't know where he's buried. Marshall. Marshall. MARSHALL: (perplexed) The system's... a little sluggish. SLOANE: Marshall, get Fisher. (Marshall takes his laptop and runs out.) SLOANE: Last month we received intel that Parkishoff was assassinated by Martin Shephard. (A picture of Shephard comes up.) MR. BRISTOW: Shephard's an interesting case. His subconscious is programmed to react to a simple phrase. Say it to him, and he'd do what you'd asked. Even kill. Say it again, and those acts would be erased from his conscious mind. He'd have no recollection of the acts he'd committed. SLOANE: Now, we have known for some time what that phrase is. (Sloane places a folder in front of Sydney.) SYDNEY: Oh, it's by John Donne. SLOANE: Right. And we want you to get close enough to Shephard, recite the poem, and get him to tell you where Parkishoff is buried. SYDNEY: Where is he? SLOANE: Shephard checked himself in a mental institution in Bucharest, southern Romania. (Marshall and Fisher enter. Marshall goes to Sloane.) MARSHALL: Umm, if you don't mind, there's something kind of weird going on with the computer network. SLOANE: Marshall. MARSHALL: There's kind of a bandwith leak... SLOANE: Why don't you get me a report by the end of the day? (Marshall leaves.) SLOANE: Agent Fisher will be your support on this one. His alias is Dr. Carlos Fontanetta. SYDNEY: Hello. Nice to meet you. FISHER: Nice to meet you. SLOANE: The Mangalov clinic is expecting Dr. Fontanetta to check a patient in the day after tomorrow. You are that patient. (Sydney walks down a street outside Credit Dauphine. Mr. Bristow jogs up to her.) MR. BRISTOW: Your handler's unavailable. Once you locate Parkishoff, he wants you to relay the coordinates-- SYDNEY: Vaughns' at a funeral. Four heroes who died because of people like you. MR. BRISTOW: You are to relay the correct coordinates to SD-6. Once they have decoded the message, you are to inform-- SYDNEY: Go to hell! MR. BRISTOW: (grabs her arm) People's lives are at stake! Your life! (Sydney tries walking away.) MR. BRISTOW: What you think you know, you don't know. SYDNEY: Then explain it to me! MR. BRISTOW: You don't have clearance. SYDNEY: (furious) Clearance? MR. BRISTOW: Yes. SYDNEY: To be told how my mother died. MR. BRISTOW: There are rules, Sydney. SYDNEY: Then you break them! MR. BRISTOW: Just think about what you're saying. Acting cavalier about breaking the rules. Think about the last time you did something like that. I'm not a perfect man, I know that. But I am smart enough not to draw simple conclusions and then act upon them. I would think if anyone had learned that lesson, it would have been you. (He walks away. Sydney looks like she's fighting back the urge to hit him.) (Romania. Maganlov clinic. It's dirty. The walls are covered in splatters on old, dingy paint. Sydney is being wheeled in a wheelchair down the hall by an orderly. A doctor -- Krushnik -- and Fisher walk with them.) FISHER: Miss Dicamila is bipolar. We were doing some, uh, relief work up in the north when she suffered a psychotic break. She's suffering from auditory hallucinations. She thinks that her government wants to kill her. (As they wheel her by, Sydney sees Shephard. They make eye contact.) FISHER: Her previous doctor submitted her for some rather experimental treatment. Lithium substitutes, neurolinguistic reprogramming. All of which had no effect on her condition. I'm still trying to find her parents, but until then, I need a place for her. (They come to a stop in front of Sydney's new room.) DR. KRUSHNIK: Is she taking any antipsychotics? FISHER: Olanzapine, twenty milligrams. QPM. (The orderly unlocks the door. Sydney grunts, eyes wide, and flies into Fisher's arms, pretending to be her condition.) FISHER: Shhh... SYDNEY: Auuuhhhhh! (The orderly takes her.) SYDNEY: Aughhhh! UGH! (He puts her in the dirty room. She claws at the doorframe, tries to get away.) DR. KRUSHNIK: There are other institutions in Bucharest, how is it you honor us? FISHER: Uh, the consulate. They directed me here. (They lock the door on Sydney.) DR. KRUSHNIK: This way. We'll get her admitted. (Panting, Sydney stares. They walk away. She immediately stops the facade, and goes back to being Sydney. She stares in the hallway. A man screams in the distance.) (Will walks in the hallway outside Eloise's apartment. He knocks on apartment two, but the door opens a little.) WILL: Miss Kurtz? I'm coming in. Easy on the pepper spray. (Will enters, looking around. The entire apartment is cleaned out. Everything's gone. She's gone. His lead is gone. He touches the wall. Fresh paint, still wet.) (Funeral for one of the C.I.A. agents. An American flag is draped over the casket. Vaughn's eyes fall on a little blond eight-year-old boy, sitting down beside the grieving widow. Vaughn brings a medal to the widow. She takes it. Vaughn moves down to the little boy, who is crying softly. He kneels down, eye contact with him. The boy whimpers.) VAUGHN: Your dad was a hero. (The boy lunges at Vaughn, hugs him tight. Vaughn hugs him back.) (In a room at Credit Dauphine, Marshall types. He sees a graph of what I'm assuming is download times and what files are being downloaded.) MARSHALL: Oh, no. Oh, no. (He stumbles out of the room, running. Outside, he runs into someone, goes up to Sloane.) MARSHALL: That leak! The glitch! There's a worm! There's a hacker in our network! They're downloading all the files off the server! (He runs into the main control room.) MARSHALL: Got to cut the hard line! (He flips a switch. The computers power down. "Internet connection lost" is the signal behind on the monitor. Marshall leans against the machine, gasping.) (Sloane walks into his office, picks up a phone, dials.) SLOANE: Hello, Allan. We need to meet. I think we have a mole. (In the cafeteria at the institution, Sydney walks in line and gets a goopy mess on her tray. She sees Martin sitting alone at a table. She stares at him, sits down.) SYDNEY: Hi. (In the doctor's main office, Krushnik walks around where Fisher sits.) KRUSHNIK: Sorry to keep you waiting. FISHER: Oh, this is not a problem. KRUSHNIK: Two more forms and her admission is complete. (He sits down. Behind Fisher, a TV sits where it spots all the video camers. He watches.) KRUSHNIK: By the way, while you were waiting, I called the consulate. Yes, I am speaking at the U.N. conference on refugees in New York next month. I called them about a visa. Naturally, I thinked them for having referred our institution and I was surprised to hear that they were unaware of any such recommendation. (In the cafeteria, Martin stares at Sydney, panting.) MARTIN: (whispering) Do I... know you? SYDNEY: No man is an island, entire of itself. Every man is a peice of the continent. (Martin jumps up and chokes her, throwing her against the table.) MARTIN: Who... are... you? SYDNEY: Ugh! (She punches him once. She goes to punch him again, but he grabs her fist, stopping her. He throws her down against the table where they were eating.) MARTIN: Who... are... you? (He chokes her.) MARTIN: HUH? (The doctor's office.) FISHER: Oh yes, of course. That is because the consulate referred me to the local health department. They made a recommendation. KRUSHNIK: Well, that explains it. (He sees the camera over Fisher's shoulder. He sees Sydney being choked.) (Sydney is coughing. An orderly gets Martin off of Sydney. They stun him an electric prod and struggle with him, carrying him away.) MARTIN: AAUGHHHHHHH! (They push him away. Sydney coughs, and gets up. Martin tears himself away from the orderlies, and tries to get at Sydney again. He's stunned again. An orderly takes Sydney away.) ORDERLY: We know what you're doing, Miss Bristow. (She tries kicking him. Two other men come and drag her away. She kicks in the air, trying to get away.) (Agent Weiss walks down a hall in the C.I.A. office, reading something from a file folder. Another agent comes up to Weiss.) AGENT: Hey, where's Vaughn? WEISS: He's covering the funerals. Badenweiler? Why, did you finally get a date? AGENT: You know that assignment Bristow's been sent to? WEISS: Yeah. AGENT: The doctor who's running the place -- Krushnik? WEISS: Mmm-hmm. AGENT: He's with K-Directorate. (Weiss stops dead in his tracks.) (Three orderlies take Sydney down some stairs, in a straight jacket. She speaks Romanian to them. She struggles. Grunting. She suddenly head bunts one guy, kicks the other two. They go down. She runs down the hallway with the jacket still on, goes around a corner, and ducks ina room. They run past her. Inside the room she's in, Sydney sees that a piece of the cage that covers the windows is broken. She puts her back to th window, backs in and the ledge of the broken cage unlatches the jacket as she moves down. Her arms are free. She takes the ties on the arms, stands on them, bends down, and pulls the jacket off. She stands up, completely free, and stops. She sees Fisher sitting in a chair -- she's in the office. His back is turned to her and he's not moving. Sydney moves closer to him.) SYDNEY: Fisher? (She inches closer, almost too scared to see. She hesitantly turns Fisher around, and sees that his throat is slit. He's dead. Blood covers his white shirt. Sydney gasps.)

Plan: A: Laura Bristow; Q: Who was Sydney's mother? A: 20 years earlier; Q: When did Sydney's mother die? A: a car accident; Q: What was Sydney's mother's cause of death? A: FBI; Q: Who was Sydney's father trying to escape from? A: KGB; Q: Who does Sydney suspect her father was a double agent for? A: Bucharest; Q: Where is Sydney sent to go undercover? A: information; Q: What does Sydney need to get from Shepard? A: Will Tippin; Q: Who discovers the true identity of Kate Jones? A: Eloise Kurtz; Q: Who is the true identity of Kate Jones? A: Francie; Q: Who is relieved to learn that Charlie is not having an affair? A: a singer songwriter; Q: What is Charlie trying to be? A: the piano player; Q: Who is the woman Charlie is rehearsing with? A: Marshall Flinkman; Q: Who finds the computer worm planted in the SD-6 mainframe? A: CIA; Q: What organization planted the worm in the SD-6 mainframe? A: Sloane; Q: Who congratulates Marshall for finding the worm? A: a special security test; Q: What does Sloane tell Marshall the worm was part of? A: suspicions; Q: Sloane now has what about someone in SD-6? A: a mole; Q: What does Sloane suspect is in SD-6? A: Sydney's cover; Q: What is blown when an agent from the K-Directorate is revealed to be in charge of the asylum? A: things; Q: What does the K-Directorate want to know from Shepard? Summary: Sydney becomes convinced that her father was responsible for the death of her mother, Laura Bristow, 20 years earlier, as she discovers both were involved in a car accident while her father was trying to escape from FBI. She also suspects he might have been a double agent for the KGB. Amidst all this confusion, Sydney is made to go undercover in a mental institution in Bucharest to get information from Shepard, a man who has been unconsciously programmed to be a deadly assassin. In the meantime Will Tippin discovers the true identity of Kate Jones (Eloise Kurtz), the woman who claimed to have had an affair with Danny. Francie is relieved to learn that Charlie is not having an affair with another woman but trying to be a singer songwriter and that the woman is the piano player he is rehearsing with. Marshall Flinkman, the chief technician at SD-6, finds the computer worm planted in the SD-6 mainframe by the CIA and tells Sloane, who congratulates him and tells him it was part of a special security test he's passed. Sloane now has suspicions that someone in SD-6 is a mole and this sets him on his path of finding who it is. Sydney's cover at the asylum is blown when it is revealed that an agent from the K-Directorate is in charge there who also wants to know things from Shepard.

ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier has just finished his show. Roz comes in from her booth. Frasier: Oh well, good show today, Roz. I particularly thought that- Roz notices a woman, Connie, talking to an employee in the hall. Roz: Oh my God, there's that Connie from Promotions. Every time she sees me, she hits me up for another charity. Frasier: You know, Roz, maybe it's time you set some limits. Good lord, how hard can it be to say "no" just once? Oh well, look who I'm talking to. Roz bats his arm. He shrugs. Connie comes in. Connie: Hi, Frasier. Roz, I was looking for you- Roz: O.K. wait, Connie, before you say anything, there's something I need to get off my chest. I have bought Girl Scout cookies from you, I have paid for your kids' band uniforms, I've bought tickets to every raffle your church ever had, and I'm tapped out. So whatever it is you came to say to me, I'm not interested. Connie: Well, I'll just go then. [turns to leave, then] Oh, by the way, my church had its raffle drawing yesterday. You won the grand prize. [drops an envelope on the console] Sorry to bother you. Connie leaves. Roz: [calling after her] Oh, Connie, Connie, I'm sorry, Connie, don't - oh, who cares, what'd I win? She grabs the envelope and rips it open. Roz: Oh my God! It's that free ski weekend! Frasier: Oh, Roz! Roz: Listen to this: "Dear winner, you will enjoy a one-weekend rental of a deluxe private ski lodge on Mt. Baker, complete with lessons from a former Olympic champ!" Frasier: That is a grand prize indeed! I must admit, I'm just a bit envious. Well, listen, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Roz: Well, thank you, Frasier. Frasier: Just seems a pity you won't be able to take advantage of those ski lessons. Roz: Well, there'll be other stuff to do. Frasier: Oh, tons, tons! Just because you can't ski - or for that matter hike, sled, or snowboard - doesn't mean you can't still curl up in by a roaring fire with a nice warm snifter of... oh, sorry. Roz: Well, the scenery will be nice. Frasier: Breathtaking! I just hope you can endure the four-hour drive up there, and you so carsick these days... Roz: OK, Frasier, I know what you're hinting at. This is the first thing I have ever won in my entire life, and it means something to me. So I'm not going to sell it, or give it away, or trade it for a... Frasier: Big-screen TV? Roz: Key's in the envelope. Frasier: Thank you. He takes the envelope and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment - Night Martin is watching a baseball game on TV. The sound is turned up very loud. The doorbell rings, and Daphne crosses the room with a basket of laundry. Daphne: What do you need that so loud for? I swear you've gone deaf as a post! Martin: It's just a cold stopping up my ears, I'll be fine. Daphne opens the door to Niles, who is on his cell phone. Niles: Dear God, man, whose lawyer are you, anyway? No, I will not calm down! [coming in] They call that a settlement? You call them and turn it down. [louder, over TV] I said, turn it down, you ninny! Martin: Geez, you could at least ask nicely! Martin grabs the remote and turns the TV down. Niles hangs up. Niles: I've got to get a new divorce lawyer. Claude is clearly no match for Maris's team. Daphne: Real sharks, are they? Niles: When we were courting, I sent Maris a valentine that said, "You're the girl my heart adores, Everything I have is yours." Now they're calling it a pre-nup. Daphne: That's terrible! [to Martin] Can you imagine using that as a weapon - an old valentine? Martin: I'd love a cold Ballantine! Daphne: That does it! You're getting a hearing aid, whether you like it or not! Martin: I don't need a hearing aid! My hearing will be back to normal in no time. Daphne: You said that two days ago. Soon you won't be able to hear a word I say. Martin: Gee, wouldn't that be a tragedy? He turns back to the game. Daphne scowls and walks behind the chair. Martin: [taking a shot] I heard that. Daphne: I didn't say anything! Frasier comes in. Frasier: Well, what are you all loitering around here for when you should all be packing? Daphne: Packing for what? Frasier: For the fabulous ski weekend I'm taking us on! Niles: You're kidding! You won the raffle? Frasier: In a manner of speaking. It's a gorgeous ski lodge, and an Olympic champion in residence to give us lessons! Daphne: Oh, sounds like heaven! Skiing all weekend, then warming up with a nice hot rum drink, curled up under a blanket in front of a roaring fire... Niles: I can feel the steam rising off my toddy already. Daphne: Oh, damn! I can't go. Niles: [alarmed] Why not? Daphne: My friend Annie. It's her birthday this weekend, and I promised I'd spend it with her. Niles: Well, bring her along. Frasier looks sharply at Niles. Daphne: Well, I know she'd love it. She's very gung-ho for sports. She was captain of the girls' rugby team at school. Frasier: Well, I'm not sure how many bedrooms there are. Niles: Well, if we're short, she can have mine. Daphne: Where will you sleep? Niles: Well, I'll think of something. Daphne: [to Frasier] Are you sure you wouldn't mind? Frasier: Oh well, yes, why not? I mean, what could be more fun than a gung-ho girls' rugby captain? Daphne runs off to her room. Frasier: I will kill you for this! Niles: I'm sorry, but it was the only way Daphne was going to come, and if you think I was going to let a moonlit ski lodge go to waste, you can think again. Frasier: You filed for divorce a week ago. Can't you wait awhile? Niles: Wait? I have waited five long years for this. Dad, don't you think it's about time? Martin: [checking his watch] Uh, I got ten after five. Frasier: Listen, Niles, if you want to make a fool of yourself with Daphne, that is your affair. But frankly, I will not have you ruin my ski weekend by inviting along this girl that sounds to me like an avalanche risk! I'm going to tell Daphne, no guests! Daphne comes back. Daphne: I called Annie. She's all excited. Turns out she just bought new skis with the money she made off her new swimsuit calendar. Daphne goes to the kitchen. Frasier turns to Niles. Frasier: Well, I hope you're happy. We're stuck with her now. Even as he speaks, he's unable to keep the smile off his face, or the gleam out of his eye. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Ski Lodge - Day The lodge has a living and dining room area with a fireplace. Off this is a small kitchen. Another downstage door leads to a bedroom. Doors leading to two more bedrooms face each other upstage. Stairs beyond this lead to a second floor landing with doors to three more bedrooms. Niles and Martin, wearing winter outfits, enter carrying luggage. Niles: Wow, look at this place! Martin: Wow, look at this place! Nothing like a change of scenery, huh? [looks around] Where do you suppose the TV is? Niles: At this altitude, I'm surprised my ears haven't stopped up. How's it affecting your ears, Dad? No response. Niles: Dad? Martin: What? Niles: How are your ears? Martin: [covering badly] Great! Never been better! No hearing aid for me! Niles turns away. Martin madly flexes his jaw to pop his ears, without success. Frasier comes in with more luggage. Frasier: [calling back over his shoulder] No need to struggle with that, Annie. I'll be back to help you in a moment. Oh, this place is terrific! Niles: Yes. I'm just glad we got here alive. The way you were taking those curves so sharply, poor Annie kept getting thrown up against you. Frasier: [naughtily] Well, what can I say? I'm a bad driver. Niles: I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad - what would the polite euphemism be - stupid? Frasier: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time! Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion." Frasier: Thank you. Daphne and Annie - a blond, British woman in her twenties with a supermodel figure - enter with the last of the luggage. Daphne: Goodness, this place is just lovely! Frasier: Yes, isn't it, though? [motioning out the window] I mean, look at that vista, it's stunning! Puts one in mind of the Matterhorn, doesn't it? Annie: Oh, I wouldn't know. I'm not very musical. Niles gives Frasier a look. Martin opens an Igloo cooler and pulls out two large bottles of rum. Martin: Oh, that's a relief! The way you were swerving on the ride up here, I was afraid these'd get broken. I'm gonna make us all a batch of my special hot buttered rum! Frasier: You're actually going to put butter in the rum? Martin: It's cold in the mountains, you need a little fat in your booze. Martin takes the bottles to the kitchen. Frasier: Good thinking, Dad. After we're done, I'll whip us up a nice batch of pork-nog. Frasier and Niles laugh. Annie: None for me, thanks, I'm a vegetarian. Niles: Daphne, let me help you with your luggage. Daphne: Oh, thank you. Niles: Uh, which room do you want? Daphne: Oh... [points] That one upstairs on the left should have a nice view. Niles: What a coincidence, that's right next to mine. Annie: Oh, I'll take the one next to that. Frasier: Allow me. Frasier takes Annie's bags and exits with Niles, leaving the two women alone. Annie: That Niles is quite a cutey. Now he's the one getting divorced? Daphne: Yeah. Poor thing's been just miserable. Annie: Well, I may just have to cheer him up. Daphne: You just leave Dr. Crane alone. No offense, but I've seen the way you go through men. The last thing he needs is for someone else to break his heart. As Daphne speaks, she zips up the front of Annie's jumpsuit, covering her more-than-slightly exposed cleavage. Annie: But it's my birthday! And besides, you're not his nanny. Unseen by them, Guy, their ski instructor, enters with a bag of groceries. He's darkly tanned, French, and very good-looking. Daphne: Can't we just have a nice relaxing ski trip? Does this whole trip have to be about s*x? Guy: Allo. Daphne turns around - and blushes. Daphne: Hello. Guy: I am Guy. Daphne: Daphne. Annie: Annie. Guy: I hope you are ready to ski tomorrow. I'm going to work you very hard. Daphne: Oh! [giggling] Guy goes to the kitchen. Daphne turns to Annie. Daphne: Dibs on the Frenchman. Annie: You can have him. Frasier emerges from one of the bedrooms. Annie: He's not half as cute as Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, enough already, my ears are burning! Guy comes back into the living room, as Martin and Niles also come out. Daphne: Everyone, did you meet Guy, our ski instructor? Frasier: [shakes hands] Hello, Guy. Guy: I will also be your chef tonight, Entrecôte a la Guy. Niles: A ski champion and a gourmet - vous étés très formidable. Guy: Parlez-vous francais? Niles: Oui, j'ai habité à six mois à Paris quand j'étais un étudiant. Guy: You speak very well. Annie: Oui! Frasier: Oh, you speak French as well? Annie: No, all I know how to say is "oui." Frasier: [naughtily] Well, that should be enough to get you through the weekend. Martin looks out the window. Martin: Aw, look at that. Two deer in the snow, just kind of nuzzling each other. Everyone noises "Awww," and "How cute," etc. Daphne: How romantic. Frasier: Yes, it's enough to put ideas in one's head. He steals a glance at Annie. Annie: Isn't it? She steals a glance at Niles. Niles: Yes. He steals a glance at Daphne. Daphne: I should say so. She steals a glance at Guy. Guy: Absolument. Guy leans back and steals a glance at Niles's butt. Then they all go back to staring out the window. Martin: Well, I guess I'd better start that rum cooking. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO COULD GUY'S LAST NAME BE FEYDEAU? Scene Four - Ski Lodge - Night After dinner. Guy is stoking the fire. Daphne hovers over him, while Annie is on the couch with a mug of hot rum. Daphne: Look at you - you're handy, a chef, a ski champ. Is there anything you don't do? Guy: There are a few things. Niles comes down the stairs in pajamas and a dressing gown. Guy: Oh, Niles, you look très élégant! Niles: Yes, I simply had to change. After all that wine and good food, I felt I was going to burst out of my trousers. Annie: Ooh, my! Daphne: Annie. Frasier comes out of his room, also in pajamas and a dressing gown that's a little more garish than Niles's. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, what a smashing robe! Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: [to Annie] Doesn't he look handsome? Annie: [uninterested] Oh, yeah, quite. Oh, look - I've finished my buttered rum. Frasier: Never let it be said that Frasier Crane would permit a lady to go thirsty. Daphne, why don't you see if Dad's finished with that second batch? Daphne takes two mugs and goes to the kitchen, where Martin is standing over a large pot of rum on the stove. He's still trying to pop his ears. Daphne: Two more. Martin: Almost there. I just need to replace some of this rum that's boiled off. Daphne: Oh, yeah, just what Annie needs. She's all over poor Dr. Crane as it is, and after I begged her to leave him alone. Why couldn't she be hot for Frasier? Martin: What? Daphne: Annie - hot for Frasier! Martin: Oh. Daphne: [looking out the door] I should just forget about those two and concentrate on Guy. Now he's the sort of tall drink of water I could really go for. She leaves. Martin obligingly opens the fridge and gets out a bottle of spring water, and turns just in time to see Frasier come in. Martin: Here you go. Frasier: Oh, well, thank you, Dad, but actually it's the rum I'm interested in. I think it's just the thing I need to clinch things with Annie. Martin: Oh, Annie, huh? I know something about that - she's hot for you. Frasier: Says who? Martin: Daphne. She said, "Annie's hot for Frasier." Frasier: I knew my charms would win her over! My God, I should register this dressing gown with the love police. Out in the living room, Annie is seated on the coffee table, facing Niles, with a sympathetic hand on his knee. Niles is uncomfortable, while Daphne hovers disapprovingly. Annie: Oh, I know the pain you're going through. I mean, I've never been divorced myself, but my last boyfriend was... eventually. What you need is something to take your mind off it. [gets up and starts to sit down on his lap] I'll tell you what always works for me- Daphne: [grabbing her] Time to go upstairs! Annie: What for? Daphne: I need to give you your birthday present. It's in my room. Annie: [to Niles] I'll see you in a bit. They go upstairs. Niles sighs with relief - and starts as he notices Guy sitting right next to him on the couch. Guy: Allo. Niles: Hi. Guy: Your friend Daphne, she did not like the way Annie was flirting with you. Niles: No, she didn't, did she? Guy: In fact, she dragged Annie right off to her bedroom. Niles: I think I know what that means. Girlish laughter comes from Daphne's room. Guy: I think we both know. Daphne was jealous. Niles: [elated] She was jealous, wasn't she? I don't believe it! Guy: I am surprised by nothing. You know, I think you did not like Annie's flirting either. Niles: Oh, was it that obvious? Guy: Annie is not your... cup of tea? Niles: Well, [leans in; whispers confidentially] Just between us, my interests lie elsewhere this weekend. Guy: [suavely] Really? Frasier comes out of the kitchen. Frasier: Rum's ready! Niles: Ah. Guy, perhaps you could help my dad with the drinks? Guy: I am at your service. Frasier: Thank you, Guy. Guy goes to the kitchen. Niles excitedly goes up to Frasier. Niles: Daphne wants me! Frasier: She told you that? Niles: Well, no. But Annie was flirting with me, and Daphne dragged her off to her room in a jealous rage! Frasier: No, no, no, Niles, Annie was not flirting with you. She's hot for me. Niles: I think I know when I'm being flirted with. Frasier: Oh, please, Niles, you're going beyond the limit that time. You're delusional! Next thing, you'll be telling me that Guy's after you! Niles: All right, now you're dreaming things up... In the kitchen, Guy and Martin sample some of the rum. Guy: How do you like your rum? Martin: Well, it's kind of small, but it's got a nice view. Guy: [holds up his mug] No, your rum. Martin: [seeing] Oh, yeah, yeah. Could you speak up a little? Guy: [speaking louder] I wonder if it's clouded my judgment about something. Your son Niles - is it my imagination, or is he attracted to-? Martin: Hold it right there. It's not your imagination. He's got it bad. Guy: Really? Martin: Mmm. Guy: This is not a delicate subject for you? Martin: Oh, no, no. Niles has had those feelings for years. 'Course, I didn't encourage it during his so-called marriage, but now that he's free, whatever makes him happy - I say go for it! Guy: You are a wonderful father. Martin and Guy carry a tray of mugs into the living room. As they come in, Daphne and Annie come back down, both wearing nightgowns. Daphne's is covered by a robe, while Annie only wears a flimsy sheath over her shoulders. Martin: O.K., everybody, come and get it! Niles: Daphne, just in time. Frasier: Annie, that's a lovely gown. Annie: Daphne just gave it to me. Guy: [knowingly] I'll bet she did. Everyone takes a mug and sits around the coffee table. Frasier: [sipping] Mmm, Dad, this batch is even stronger than the last one! Martin: Yeah... first time I made this was for your mother. I'd been wanting to pop the question but I was afraid she'd say no. This gave me the nerve to ask her and I got myself a great big "yes"... and that wasn't the only "yes" I got from her that night either. [laughs] Still scares me to think how close I came to chickening out, though. You know, as you get older, it's not the failures you regret, or the times you made an ass of yourself. It's the times you never even tried, when you just lost your nerve. Frasier: Wise words. Niles: Hear, hear. Frasier: Faint heart never won fair lady. Annie: I certainly hope that if a man fancied me, he wouldn't be afraid to take a chance, go for a bold gesture. Wheels begin turning in Frasier's head. Niles: Yes, we must never be too timid to pursue our heart's desire. Guy: And not give a damn what the world thinks... right, Miss Moon? Daphne: Indeed. [giggles into her mug] Martin: Takes an hour to make one of these things, but it's worth it just to sit here and savor every sip. Everyone agrees. Then they all throw theirs back and replace their mugs on the table. Daphne: I'm done. Niles: Time for bed. Guy: I'm ready. Annie: Me, too. Frasier: 'Night, Dad. They get up and head for their rooms. Martin: What? You're not going to bed already, are you? Oh, fine. Goodnight. Guy: Enjoy your rum! Martin: Well, I'd enjoy it more if it had a TV in it. Martin turns out the lights in the living room. Guy exits to his room. Annie and Daphne, slightly tipsy, exit also - but to the rooms opposite the ones they took earlier. Frasier and Niles stop. Niles: I thought Daphne's room was... Frasier: They must have switched. Frasier and Niles exit to their rooms. Daphne and Annie come back out, giggling. Annie: I took the wrong room. Daphne: Yes, I thought we got that backwards. Annie: Oh well, no harm done. Daphne and Annie cross and go into their correct rooms. Hearing voices, Frasier and Niles stick their heads out. Frasier: [whispering] Annie? Niles: [whispering] Daphne? No one there but the two of them. Frasier: Goodnight, Niles. Niles: Goodnight. They close their doors. Guy, hearing Niles's voice, sticks his head out. Guy: Allo? Daphne, hearing Guy's voice, sticks her head out. Daphne: Oh, hello. Guy: [whispering] I know what you want. Don't be timid - go for it! He disappears back into his room. Daphne, atwitter, disappears back into hers. Scene Five - Niles's/Annie's/Guy's/Daphne's Rooms Let the Roundelays Begin! NILES'S ROOM: After Niles closes his hallway door, he tiptoes over to the door connecting to the adjacent room and knocks. Niles: [whispering] Daphne! No answer. He opens the door and goes in. ANNIE'S ROOM: Niles is alone in Annie's room. In the bathroom there is a sound of gargling. Niles: [whispering] Hello? It's Niles! Annie: [muffled] Wait just a minute. Niles: I can't wait, if I don't say this now I may lose my nerve. I need you! I've wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on you! Annie comes out, wearing only her nightie. Annie: Oh, I feel the exact same way! Niles: Annie! Annie: I see you're surprised. Well, I've tried to send you signals tonight, but as usual I was too damned subtle. He backs slowly toward the door. Annie climbs over the bed and slinks close to him. Annie: Just promise me you won't mention this to Daphne. Niles: My lips are sealed. Annie: Not for long, I hope. Just as she's got him cornered, someone knocks on the connecting door. Niles: Come in! It is Guy, now also in a dressing gown. Niles: [saved] Guy! Guy: Niles, I thought I heard your voice in here. Annie: What do you want? Guy: Niles, you told me you wanted to see that thing. You know, in my room? Niles: Oh yes! Thank you for reminding me. Annie: What thing? Niles: Won't take long. I'll catch you later. [SCENE_BREAK] HALLWAY: Niles and Guy slip out of Annie's room. They speak in whispers. Niles: That was close! I owe you a big one! Niles starts for his bedroom door. Guy: Your room? Niles: Oh, good point, Guy. She's bound to hear me in there. Guy: We can go in my room. Niles: It's much safer. No matter how hard I try, I'm bound to make noise. Niles crosses to Guy's door. Guy: Me too. GUY'S ROOM: Niles and Guy come in. Daphne is sitting up in Guy's bed in her nightie, grinning with girlish anticipation. Niles: Daphne! Daphne: Dr. Crane! The grin disappears. So does Daphne, as she pulls the covers over her head. Guy: Miss Moon! Is your room not satisfactory? Daphne: [mortified] Oh dear, I seem to have made a dreadful mistake. Niles: What are you doing in Guy's room? Daphne: [sees a way out] Oh, is this Guy's room then? [laughs nervously] I was looking for Annie's room. Guy: Oh, now it makes sense. Daphne gets out of the bed and pulls on her robe. Daphne: I'll just go! Niles: Oh, wait for me. The hall is horribly dark, I'll show you the way. Daphne leaves. Niles turns to Guy. Niles: My room should be safe now. Guy: Very well, I'll see you later. Niles: [not getting it] Excellent, yes. HALLWAY: Niles and Daphne meet Frasier emerging from the kitchen with a bottle of champagne. Daphne: Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh... hello. What were the two of you doing in Guy's room? Daphne: Just saying goodnight. Niles: Now we're off to say goodnight to Annie. Daphne: Goodnight to you, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Uh, how long will you be with Annie? Daphne: Just a minute or two. Is that champagne? Frasier: Yes. I was just delivering it to... Dad. Well, carry on. Frasier goes to his room. Niles: Before you see Annie, can you come to my room? Daphne: What for? Niles: There's something I need to tell you. NILES'S ROOM: Niles and Daphne come in. The lights are off. Niles: This may come as a surprise to you- The lights come up. Annie is lying on Niles's bed. Daphne: Annie! Annie: Daphne! Daphne: Didn't I tell you to leave Dr. Crane alone? Annie: And now I see why! You wanted him all to yourself! Daphne: I do not want him all to myself! Annie: Oh, I see! It's a threesome you're after! Well, I don't do those anymore. Niles: There's obviously been some kind of misunderstanding here. Annie: I don't see how. You barged into my room not five minutes ago and told me how much you wanted me. Daphne: You did? Niles: Well, technically, yes- Annie: Then as soon as this one bats her eyes, it's shove off, Annie! [crying] This is the worst birthday I've ever had! Annie runs back into her room. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm sorry. I've ruined everything for you. Niles: No, you haven't. Those things I said to Annie, I can explain- Daphne: No, no, no, it's none of my business. I've had enough embarrassment for one night! Niles: But... She goes back to her room through the connecting door. Niles follows her. DAPHNE'S ROOM: The lights are off. As Daphne and Niles come in, there is the sound of a cork popping. The lights come up. Frasier is lying in Daphne's bed, naked underneath the sheets. The champagne bottle is in his lap, overflowing onto the bed. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Frasier: Daphne! He tries to sit up, cover himself, and catch the champagne in a glass, all at the same time. Niles: Frasier! You snake! Frasier: I'm sorry, wrong room! Daphne: Just get out of here, right now! Frasier gets out, wrapping the sheet around himself, and leaves with the champagne bottle. Frasier: Next room I want, then? Daphne: Just go! Frasier: Yes, bye-bye, sorry again! NILES'S ROOM: Frasier comes in. The lights are off. As Frasier closes the door behind him: Guy: Bonsoir. The lights come up. Guy is lying naked in Niles's bed, under the covers. Seeing Frasier, he sits up. Frasier: Guy! Guy: You are not the Crane I want! Frasier: You're not even the s*x I want! Guy: Where is Niles? Frasier opens the door to Daphne's room and sticks his head in. Frasier: Oh, Niles? Company! Niles comes in and takes in the scene. Niles: Oh my God! What are you doing in here with Guy? Guy: Don't be jealous, Niles, it's not how it looks! Niles: Oh. [turns to go back, then] WHAT?! Frasier: You know, much as I'd love to stay and help you two sort this thing out, there happens to be a very beautiful woman on the other side of this door who wants me desperately! He crosses to the connecting door and flings it open. Frasier: Annie! Annie: [screaming] Aah! Go away! Get out! Frasier stumbles back, slamming the door. Daphne runs in. Daphne: What's going on? [sees] Guy! Annie storms in, wearing only a towel. Annie: How dare you barge in on me when I'm naked! Frasier: I'm sorry! My father told me you were hot for me! Annie: Your father did?! Frasier: Blame Daphne, she's the one who told him! Daphne: I did not! I said she wanted your brother! Guy: Could Niles and I please have some privacy? Annie: [to Niles] You're just putting the moves on everyone, aren't you? Niles is confused for a second, not sure whom to address first, then takes a little step towards his bed. Niles: Would you kindly get out of my bed? I am not gay, Guy. Guy: Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians! Daphne: Lesbians?! Annie gapes. Frasier and Niles, if anything, look more confused. Guy: Your father himself told me you wanted me! Niles: My father said I wanted you?! A five-way overlap ensues: "My father said what?" "Who are you calling lesbians?" "You're the most horrible family I've ever met," "Would everyone please just go to bed," "I've never been so humiliated in my life!" etc., etc. Finally Martin comes in. Martin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hold it down, there are people here trying to sleep! [realizes] Oh, my ears must have popped. I can hear again! He takes in the scene - everyone standing around half-naked. Martin: Well, goodnight all. He leaves. Silence for a few moments. Niles: All right. We could discuss this till we've figured out every detail of what went on here tonight, but if you ask me, breakfast will be embarrassing enough as it is. I suggest we all forget this ever happened, and just go to bed. Guy pulls on his robe and everyone heads for the various doors. Frasier: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Wait, everybody! [everyone stops and looks at him] Let me see if I've got this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me? Everyone thinks for a second, and realizes he's right. Frasier: [sighs] See you at breakfast. He goes out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] It's late at night. Annie slips out of her room, holding the champagne bottle. She tiptoes over to Frasier's room and knocks on the door. No answer. She knocks again. Still no answer. Disappointed, she goes back to her room in a sulk. As her door closes, Frasier emerges from the kitchen munching on a late-night snack. He goes into his room and closes the door.

Plan: A: Roz; Q: Who wins a free trip to a ski lodge? A: a big-screen TV; Q: What does Roz trade her ski lessons for? A: Daphne; Q: Who does Niles long to confess his feelings for? A: Annie; Q: Who is Daphne's friend? A: Cynthia Lamontagne; Q: Who played Annie? A: Guy; Q: Who is the gay ski instructor? A: guest star James Patrick Stuart; Q: Who played Guy? A: Niles; Q: Who does Guy think likes him? A: misinformation; Q: What does Martin give Niles? A: a blocked ear; Q: What is Martin's hearing difficulty? A: confusion; Q: What arises as Frasier pursues Annie? Summary: Roz wins a free trip to a ski lodge, including lessons from a skiing instructor, but is talked into trading them to Frasier in return for a big-screen TV. So Frasier decides to take the whole family to the ski lodge, including Daphne and her friend Annie (played by guest star Cynthia Lamontagne ), a swimsuit model. There they meet Guy (played by guest star James Patrick Stuart ), a gay ski instructor, who likes Niles and thinks Niles likes him back. This is confirmed by misinformation given by Martin who has hearing difficulty due to a blocked ear. Throughout the episode, confusion arises as Frasier pursues Annie, who desires Niles. Niles, however, longs to confess his feelings for Daphne, while Daphne attempts to pick up Guy, who thinks that Daphne and Annie are together.

Scene: The comic book store. Raj enters carrying an iPod with a speaker on his tee shirt. As he enters the shop he starts the iPod and the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars emerges from the speaker. Leonard: Will you please turn your shirt off? Raj: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared. Howard: Yeah, right, there's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples. Leonard: Hey, Stuart, what's going on? Stuart: Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday. Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I'm sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed. Stuart: No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan's doing him a favour. Sheldon: Oh, I don't want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease? Leonard: Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease. Sheldon: Well, look who thinks he's Stuart's uncle now. Raj: Can't believe it. We're going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.) Howard: I'm sad to say I taught him those moves. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: I can't decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I'm going to go with what is... you're a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.) Sheldon: I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman. Howard: That's crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman. Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom. Raj: That's a great idea, I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well. Sheldon: What is it about the word unique you don't understand? Howard: Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut. Raj: Well, obviously you don't remember your circumcision. Sheldon: There's Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer. Howard: Why don't you keep that stuff in the bathroom? Leonard: He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket. Sheldon: Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine. Penny: Hi! Leonard: Hey. Guess who's going to be at the comic bookstore on Thursday? Penny: Um, can you give me a hint? Leonard: Stan Lee. Penny: Um, Stanley, Stanley, Stanley Tucci? Leonard: No, no, Stan Lee. Penny: Oh, oh, Stan Lee! Cool! Leonard: You have no idea who he is, do you? Penny: Of course I do. You're an important part of my life and I pay attention to the things you are interested in. Leonard: Good, good, so, who's Stan Lee? Penny: Um, he was on Star Trek. Leonard: Nope. Penny: Star Wars? Leonard: No. Penny: Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much? Leonard: That's Bruce Lee. Penny: Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee's nerdy brother, Stan? Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk? Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet. Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don't you put it in the bank? Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge. Howard: You've also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court. Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it's supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena. Penny: I'm sorry. You sent more than one letter about that? Sheldon: It bothers me. Howard: Sheldon, this is a summons. Sheldon: A summons for what? Howard: Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture. Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that's the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room. Penny: No, it isn't. Sheldon: Yes, it is. Penny: No, it isn't. Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that's a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder. Penny: Mmm, no, it isn't. Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me? Penny: Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn't driving and they were all, if it wasn't you, who was it? Sheldon: So you betrayed me? Penny: No! It wasn't a betrayal. It was more of a can't afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands. Sheldon: But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you. Penny: Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day. Leonard: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine. Sheldon: I'm not going to pay a fine. That would imply I'm guilty. Howard: You are guilty. (Raj's shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked. Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner's permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went. Penny: Sheldon, I'm sorry. I'll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series. Sheldon: You don't need to reimburse me because I'm not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I'm going to begin preparing my defence right now. Howard: Okay, he's going to jail. Leonard (after Raj whispers to him): Oh, that's right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day. Sheldon: Now you see what you've done? Because of you, we're all going to miss Stan Lee. Leonard: Whoa! What do you mean all? Sheldon: Well, you're my friends. You'll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I'm victorious. Leonard: Yeah, okay. No. Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case? Leonard: That's what I'm saying. Sheldon: Howard? Howard: Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie's Choice it would've been a much shorter movie. No. Sheldon: Raj? You'll be there, won't you? (Shirt plays "incorrect" quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it'll just be me and my eyewitness. Penny: Oh, balls. Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won't help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks. Scene: Penny's door. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny (opening door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Sheldon: That's just wrong. Penny: All right, let's go. Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I'd like to call on your skills as an actress. Penny: What is this? Sheldon: I've taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let's face it, you're somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don't worry, it's written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse? Penny: Do I have a choice? Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date? Penny (reading): Darn tootin', I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase. Sheldon: Excellent. Go on. Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I've ever seen in, like, ever. Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act? Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you. Sheldon: There's no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts. Penny: But it is a fact that it's a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek? Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well. Penny (pretending to be close to tears): But it is a fact that it's a privilege to know you. Totally. Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again. Scene: The courtroom. Judge: Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper? Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself. Judge: I know what it means. I went to law school. Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I'd like to begin with an opening statement. Judge: The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium. Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I'm unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete. Judge: Impressive. Sheldon: Thank you. Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier. Sheldon: I object. You're completely ignoring the law. Judge: No, I'm following the law. I'm ignoring you. Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours. Judge: Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I'm going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark. Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth. Scene: A police cell. Three people sit on a bench inside. Sheldon points at the one on the end. Sheldon: That's my spot. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: A queue outside the comic book store. Raj: I can't wait to ask Stan Lee why he insists on giving all his characters first and last names that start with the same letter. Leonard: Oh, come on, why would you do that? Raj: Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer, Peter Parker, oh, and worst of all, J. Jonah Jameson, Jr. Howard: Okay, I'm cutting. I'm not gonna talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off. Leonard (phone rings.): Hey. Penny: Sheldon's in jail. Leonard: Sheldon's in jail? Raj: You called it. Leonard: For what? Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge. He has to stay in there until he apologizes. Leonard: So tell him to apologize. Penny: Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard. That didn't occur to me. If he doesn't apologize by 5 o'clock he is going to spend the night in jail. Leonard: Oh, no, that's terrible. Ooh, the line's moving. Got to go. Bye. Scene: The police cell. Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor? Guard: What? Sheldon: I need to use the restroom. Guard: Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell) Sheldon: That's the toilet? Guard: Well, it ain't a wishing well. Sheldon: Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Look at that. To my friend, Leonard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior! Howard: Awesome. Mine says, To my friend, Howard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior! Raj: Mine says, To Raj, from Stan Lee. Howard: That's 'cause you pissed him off about his character names. Raj: Hey, I didn't even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model. Penny: We're home. Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How'd it go? Sheldon: You know very well how it went. Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you. Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533. Penny: I'm going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others. Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver's licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals. Howard: Plus, you didn't get to meet Stan Lee. Leonard: Okay, that's enough, Howard. The poor guy's had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit. Howard: You're right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato. Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee? Howard: He said we could call him Stan. Leonard: Except for Raj. Sheldon: Well, I hope you're satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today. Penny: Okay, I realize that... Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee. Penny: Okay, maybe you'll have another chance to have... Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on! Penny: Did he just somehow give me the finger? Howard: Not just the finger. The moving finger. Scene: The comic book store. Penny: Hey, Stuart. Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi. Penny: What's going on? Stuart: Nothing. I'm just getting ready to close up and head out. Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans? Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat. Penny: Oh, nice. Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn't even show up. Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I was hoping, um, you could do me a favour. Stuart: Sure, yeah, name it. Penny: Well, I'm kind of responsible for Sheldon missing Stan Lee, and I really want to make it up to him. So I was hoping you could give me his phone number so maybe I can arrange for them to meet. Stuart: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have his phone number. Penny: Hmm. Damn. All right. Thank you. Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait. I have his address. Penny: Really? Great! Stuart: But I can't give it to you. Penny: Then why did you tell me you had it? Stuart: I don't know. Just chatting. You're looking at a guy who could very well get stood up by a stray cat tonight. Penny: I'm sorry, Stuart. Thanks anyway. Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait. Penny: Yeah? Stuart: Maybe we can make a deal. Penny: What kind of deal? Stuart: I will give you the address if you go to my cousin's wedding with me. Penny: You're extorting a date out of me? Stuart: I kind of have to. The cousin who's getting married is the cousin I usually go to weddings with. Penny: Can I bring Leonard? Stuart: Sure. What the hell. Penny: Deal. Stuart: We'll tell people he's your cousin. Scene: Outside Stan Lee's house. Sheldon: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk, and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. Penny: Yup. Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. At Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. Penny: Okay, sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies, or he's just gonna say hi, or really what's gonna happen, so just let me talk, and we'll... Stan Lee (opening door): Yeah? Penny: Are you Stan Lee? Stan Lee: Oh, damn. Penny: Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon: We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes. Penny: Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail. Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited? Sheldon: You said we were invited. Penny: Oh, no, no, I said I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house. Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me? Sheldon: Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you. Penny: I'm sorry. He doesn't really understand sarcasm. Stan Lee: Well, I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie, call the police! Penny: Nice to meet you. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Curt Connors... Howard: Would you just let it go? Raj: And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom. Leonard (as Sheldon enters): Hey, where've you been? Sheldon: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order. Howard: Sweet. Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

Plan: A: Sheldon; Q: Who has to appear in court? A: Stan Lee; Q: Who does Sheldon want to meet? A: a comic book signing; Q: What does Sheldon try to attend? A: a red light; Q: What did Sheldon run? A: the hospital; Q: Where was Sheldon taking Penny when he got the ticket? A: The Adhesive Duck Deficiency; Q: What is the name of the episode where Sheldon has to go to court? A: the judge's favor; Q: What does Sheldon try to win? Summary: Sheldon tries to meet Stan Lee at a comic book signing, but is stymied by having to appear in court for driving too slow and running a red light while taking Penny to the hospital in the episode "The Adhesive Duck Deficiency", and enlists Penny to help him win the judge's favor.

"The Bodies in the Book" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open with the rustling of sheets and chuckling followed by heavy breathing and the phone ringing. Sully and Brennan are in bed together.) SULLY: No, no, no, no no. Don't answer it. BRENNAN: (Brennan comes out from under the covers) Oh, it's probably the publicist for my book. (Phone continues ringing) SULLY: Shh. Pretend it's the ocean. (Sully covers them back up again) (Ringing stops) SULLY: See that? God loves us. (They both laugh and kiss) (ringing resumes) BRENNAN: (throws the covers off again) Ugh. She'll only keep calling. SULLY: I thought you hated publicity. BRENNAN: Well, it's part of my contract. The book's getting a lot of attention. I'm just trying to do my job. (She strains to reach for the phone) Hello? Hi Ellen. SULLY: Of course, you did look hot on The View. I think Rosie had a little thing for you. (Brennan covers his mouth while he rolls her over and starts trying to distract her by kissing her) BRENNAN: (on phone) That seems - that seems like a lot. Well, it's two interviews and a book signing in one day. I - I don't - I don't know about Tuesday. (she takes the phone away from her ear and kisses Sully back then goes back to the phone) Just, um, send the schedule to the Jeffersonian. We'll discuss it then, okay? I'll see you. I'm leaving right now. (She hangs up, kisses Sully and rolls him over) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Platform - Hodgins is with Brennan's publicist and her assistant, Ellen Laskow and Hank Beldin and a bug is pinned to the table on its back and he cuts into it) HODGINS: (to Hank) Now this is something you don't normally get to see in the publishing house. ELLEN: Oh, dear Lord. HODGINS: The jelly looking stuff that oozes out turn into the ootheca. HODGINS: Can you smell that? (Hank gags) Yeah. (Brennan arrives) BRENNAN: Sorry I'm late. ELLEN: Oh, thank God. Hank. You know, dear, your book is on the best sellers list. You don't have to work in this place anymore. BRENNAN: This is my real love, Ellen. ELLEN: I know a therapist, dear, who could really help you. (Brennan gives her a look) Okay. Um, the reading and the book signing are this Wednesday night. Hank has arranged for transportation. HANK: Yes. A car will pick you up here at the lab, Dr. Brennan. ELLEN: And then there's that radio interview next Tuesday. That's an early one, so just tell Hank what you would like for breakfast. BRENNAN: Um, that's not necessary. ELLEN: Oh honey, don't worry about it. That's what Hank is for. Right Hank? HANK: Sure. Um, I - I wanted to tell you, Dr. Brennan, I'm a huge...fan. I thought this book is even better - ELLEN: You know, as far as your photo shoot is concerned - (Booth enters, interrupting) BOOTH: Okay, Bones. We gotta go. They found a floater in the marina. (he grabs her arm) BRENNAN: Uh, my partner, Seeley Booth. This is the publicist for my book, Ellen Laskow and her assistant Hank - ELLEN: Hello. Now I see why Temperance writes those dirty little scenes in her books. BOOTH: That - That's not me - BRENNAN: It's not him. BOOTH: Not me. No. ELLEN: Right. You must let me get you that therapist's number, dear. BOOTH: Oh, no, seriously. She's got someone. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. He is kinda short. BRENNAN: He's not short. Just because he's not freakishly tall like you are- BOOTH: He's short, okay? BRENNNA: Didn't you say you had remains for me to examine? BOOTH: Oh, right. Come on. Let's go. (he grabs Brennan's arm and starts to drag her out) BRENNAN: Well, thanks for the schedule, Ellen. (Cut to: The marina. There is law enforcement everywhere.) BOOTH: So is it just me or is this, ya know, kinda weird? BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Well, in your new book, they found a body at the marina, right? BRENNAN: You read my book? BOOTH: Of course. Anyhow, a guy docked the boat, saw something floating in the water thought it was a dead fish - it ended up being a decomposed hand. The dive crew just located the rest of the body. BRENNAN: I didn't think you'd have time to read my book. BOOTH: You have time to write it, I have time to read it. Besides, you can't avoid the damned thing. Your book is everywhere. DIVER: Okay, bring it up. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Look. (she points to the body bring raised.) BOOTH: Wait. (to an FBI Forensics's Agent) Body on the anchor? FORENSICS AGENT: Yeah, tied to the chain. Body's not tied with rope. The diver said they used- BRENNAN: Red tape. (They pull the body out of the maria - wrapped with red tape) FORENSICS AGENT: How did ya know? BRENNAN: Because that's how I wrote it. ACT I (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Cam, Zack & Brennan are examining the remains.) BRENNAN: Victim was male. Mid 40's. Estimated time of death is 5 days ago. CAM: Only 5 days? This is an extreme rate of decomp. HODGINS: Blue crab season. They'll feed on anything, dead or alive. Vegetation, fish, flesh. CAM: Ugh. Opportunistic little bastards. ZACK: Elliptical wounds on the frontal bone with reverse beveling. He was shot. BRENNAN: Is there a bullet? ZACK: No. Irregular exit wound on the occipital. Looks like a through and through. CAM: Dr. Brennan. Exactly how similar is this situation to your book? BRENNAN: The victims in my book are bound and gagged with red tape, shot, and then fed to various animals. CAM: Cheery. HODGINS: I loved the symbolism of the red tape. Perfect way to dispose of bureaucrats. BRENNAN: Thank you. ZACK: The first body in the book is tied to an anchor and dropped in the water at a marina. BRENNAN: I prefer not to jump to conclusions. HODGINS: I don't think it requires a jump. Just a little hop. Little teeny - BRENNAN: In this lab, we are concerned with science, not fiction. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's office. Angela is trying to reconstruct the face of the victim on her computer. The team is gathered round.) ANGELA: This is a sketch based on tissue markers on the skull. HODGINS: TCB's and lead we found in the collegian means the victims from the North end of the Chesapeake. Probably outside Anapolis. ANGELA: Did you have to whisper that in my ear? HODGINS: Just seemed right. BOOTH: (leaning in to whisper in Angela's ear) Okay, check the image against the DMV photo's from Maryland. (Angela starts to check through DMV images) BOOTH: Bones. (he takes her towards the back of the room) How ya holding up? BRENNAN: What do you mean? Fine. BOOTH: Ya know, something like this, it's understandable if you're upset. BRENNAN: It's probably a coincidence. (Sully enters) SULLY: Hey, How's it going? BRENNAN: What? What are you doing here? BOOTH: Uh, yeah. SULLY: Well, I heard we had a copy cat killer using your book as - BRENNAN: That hasn't been established. BOOTH: Yeah, I got it covered here, Sully. SULLY: Well, two hands are better than one, Booth. BOOTH: Well, last time I looked, I have 2 hands, see? (he holds up his hands) Thanks. ANGELA: Testosterone spill on aisle 4. BRENNAN: We don't' know that my book is the cause. So far what we do know is - SULLY: Someone died exactly the way described in your book. Do you keep any of your old fan mail? BRENNAN: No. I don't read it. The publicist deals with all that. BOOTH: Yeah, I mean, why are you asking, Sully? I'm in charge of this investigation. SULLY: Well, Booth, I was a profiler for two years. I have a lot of experience with these cases. This could be someone showing what big fan he is or someone trying to get close to her. Too close. BRENNAN: I don't need to be protected... BOOTH & SULLY: (in unison) Yes. You do. SULLY: (to Booth) Look. You still call the shots. I just think I'd be an asset to the team. BOOTH: Okay, Fine. We send all the fan mail to Sully - in his office. BRENNAN: Fine. I'll call Ellen. SULLY: We could be dealing with a real sicko here. ANGELA: Jim Lopata. Not the sicko, the sicko's victim. BRENNAN: 43. Married. No kids. From Glen Burnie - outside of Annapolis. (Cut to: FBI - Conference Room. Booth sits with Connie Lopata and Greg Braley, Connie's brother.) BOOTH: So your husband never called you? CONNIE: I thought, uh, he was suppose to be on a business trip. BOOTH: And you haven't seen him since last Tuesday. CONNIE: Oh, no, His trips - he worked so hard. Morning to night driving hundreds of miles. BOOTH: Greg. Did, uh, you and your sister's husband get along? GREG: Well enough. BOOTH: Mmm. Any idea if he had, uh, any enemies? GREG: Wouldn't come as a shock. Jim liked to drink. He could turn into a real jerk sometimes. CONNIE: We were working through it. GREG: Right. CONNIE: Greg. GREG: I'm sorry, but part of me thinks you're better off, Connie. BOOTH: Are you better off, Miss Lopata? CONNIE: How can you say that? My husband's dead. BOOTH: Of course. I'm sorry. It's just - one more thing. I realize this is gonna sound a little strange, but do either of you two read, uh, mystery novels? GREG: What the hell does this got to do with anything? CONNIE: Just answer him, Greg. (to Booth) Greg likes them. Why? BOOTH: It's just something I gotta ask. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform.) HODGINS: The tape actually managed to preserve particulate matter that was present on the body before it was dumped. CAM: Any hair? Other goodies that can give us DNA? HODGINS: No. But I did find sand. CAM: Victim was in the ocean, Hodgins, lotta sand there. HODGINS: Yeah, but the sediment distribution doesn't match. The sand came from some place else. CAM: Okay. Try to locate the source. What about the tape itself? Composition, brand - HODGINS: Working on it. CAM: Cool. (Cam starts to walk away as Hodgins stops her again with a question) HODGINS: Do you really plan on reading Dr. Brennan's book? CAM: What? Of course. I only - I bought it - ya know it's on a pile I'm waiting - No. I don't. (Hodgins laughs) Please don't tell her. It's just after dealing with murder all day, I can't bring myself to go home and read about it for kicks. HODGINS: So, for kicks you read... CAM: Feminist trash. You know. Woman finds her power, leaves her oppressive husband, discovers freedom and fulfillment with an artist who knows how to cry and make love like an animal. HODGINS: So, s*x books. CAM: Pretty much, yeah. HODGINS: Hm. CAM: Let me know if you find any organics on that tape. HODGINS: Yup. (he laughs) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan & Zack are examining remains in one of the rooms) ZACK: So, is the FBI aware of the situation. BRENNAN: What do you mean? Booth and Sully are both working the case. ZACK: I meant the other murders in your book. The marina victim is the first of three. BRENNAN: Let's, please, concentrate on the remains, Zack. ZACK: It's just the later dump sites are far less specific. How could the FBI prevent - (Booth enters, cutting Zack off.) BOOTH: Because we're the good guys, Zack, don't you forget that. (to Brennan) Okay, possible motive for Jim Lopata's murder. BRENNAN: Connie Lopata's medical records? BOOTH: Check out the ER visits. BRENNAN: Broken rib, concussion, severe bruising - someone was abusing her. BOOTH: Her husband. BRENNAN: So the wife's brother, Greg, knew about it and killed the husband to protect his sister. BOOTH: Made it look like a copy cat, cover his tracks. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: I got more info on the red tape. It's a thermo setting silicon adhesive with glass cloth backing. Secures materials under high temperatures. Also used for electrical and industrial applications. ZACK: Is this Greg person an electrician? BOOTH: He works at Regan National Airport, he's a baggage handler. ZACK: But glass tape is used on aircraft too- HODGINS: To secure cargo holds. (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room.) GREG: Didn't take a genius to figure out he hit her. BRENNAN: You wanted to protect her. GREG: She's my sister. Of course I did. Tried to get her to leave him, but she was so - I don't know. It was messed up. BOOTH: So, you decided to handle things your own way. GREG: What? Meaning what? I killed him? No way. I'm not saying I didn't want him dead, but I never touched him. Swear on my mother's grave. (He puts up his hand. Brennan realizes that two of his finger are connected together) BOOTH: Sorry, Greg. But that particular oath is no longer recognized in a court of law. GREG: Listen, if you're going to charge me with something, do it. If not- BOOTH: Where were you last Wednesday when your brother in law was killed? GREG: In the mountains. I went camping. BOOTH: I'm assuming you were alone. GREG: There were other people at the camp ground. If you can find the other people- BOOTH: Alright, alright. You know, just stay close, alright? Don't go anywhere any time soon. Alright, Greg? (Cut to: FBI - Booth's Office. Booth and Brennan are entering) BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Did you see his right hand? BOOTH: Sure...not, not really. Why? BRENNAN: His 3rd & 4th phalanges - they're fused together. Greg has syndactally. BOOTH: Syndactally. Yeah. Of course. Is that relevant? BRENNAN: Well, it can indicate the presence of other birth defects - things that might affect his range of motion. We should look into that. BOOTH: Would - Would, he be able to, uh, shoot a gun? BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Well, if his fingers, ya know, were - were fused like that, would he still be able to, ya know, pull the trigger? BRENNAN: Yes. I don't see why not. BOOTH: Okay, that's good enough for me. BRENNAN: If it's not him - Booth. There are two other murders in the book. BOOTH: I know. (Hank appears in the doorway) Hank. BRENNAN: What are you doing here? HANK: Ellen sent me out. Said you needed all your old fan mail. Plus, she needs a half caf soy latte everyday at 10. Uh, half caf soy latte with a dollop of foam and a sprinkle of chocolate shavings - everyday- (Brennan and Booth just look at him as he rambles.) Um, I'm looking for an Agent Sullivan? BOOTH: Oh, yeah. He's uh, down the hall in his office. (Booth's phone rings.) BOOTH: Booth. (he listens for a second to the other person) Yeah. (he hangs up) BRENNAN: What's wrong? (Cut to: Store - Night. Booth and Brennan are brought into the room by a Police Officer) POLICE OFFICER: Someone must have broken in Saturday night. Stores closed Sundays and Mondays. Clerk comes in this morning, gets an eye full of this. (He brings them over to a glass tank where there's a body wrapped in red tape inside, being gnawed on by rats) BOOTH: Isn't this how you killed the second victim in your book? BRENNNAN: Yeah. ACT II (Cut to: FBI - Booth's office. Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: Sadie Keller. 28, lived in Chevy Chase. BOOTH: Wow, that was fast. Her face was chewed off. BRENNAN: Aside from bite marks on her parietal and sphenoid bones, skull was intact enough for Angela to do a facial reconstruction. BOOTH: Yeah, uh. Sadie Keller. Recently married Ashton Keller, 29. No work history, went to some pretty fancy schools though. BRENNAN: She was rich. BOOTH: Right. So we got a dead traveling salesman and a prep school socialite. What the hell is the connection? (Sully enters) SULLY: Not Greg Braley. His story checks out. He was camping the night Lopata was killed. Two Rangers recognized him. BOOTH: (to Brennan) Ah, great. So the only connection we have is the tape and the fact that they were both fed to animals. BRENNAN: So we're back to me. SULLY: No. Your book. BRENNAN: Well, I can only deal with what's before me. Two discreet cases. Physical evidence - BOOTH: Look, Bones-I know it's probably easier for you to, uh, believe that the cases - they aren't linked- BRENNAN: No. There is nothing that would make the loss of two lives easier for me, Booth. BOOTH: I'm sorry, but- BRENNAN: Look, I'm not burying my head in the sand here. I wanna catch whoever did this as much as you guys do, but I have a method and the method doesn't change. I'll be back in my lab (she storms out of the office) BOOTH: She wasn't this emotional before you came in the picture. SULLY: Ah, I thought you weren't interested. BOOTH: Ha. Alright, look, I don't need that, okay? Believe me, okay? I'm gonna go talk to Sadie Keller's husband and why don't you just go back to your office there and, uh, sort through the fan mail, alright? Bye. (Sully laughs) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform) HODGINS: Got some phaenicia sericata stuck in the tape. Means she's been dead less than two days. CAM: Rats sure made quick work of her. So all the victims in Dr. Brennan's book go eaten? HODGINS: Yeah, it was part of the metaphor. The victims were all corrupt politicians who'd been feeding for years on the good will of the people so... CAM: I got it. Lots of gore with a splash of social commentary. No wonder it's a best seller. Ooh good. Lots of tissue left over here. ZACK: There's no exit wound. CAM: So we've got a bullet? ZACK: Eh, I don't see it. The tissue was too badly scavenged. HODGINS: But if the bullet was still inside Sadie Keller when the body was dumped in the cage... CAM: We need to X Ray us some rodents. (Cut to: FBI - Conference Room. Booth is talking with Ashton Keller) ASHTON: She was suppose to be visiting a friend. BOOTH: And when she didn't return your phone call? ASHTON: I just assumed...She was very independent. Still kinda wild. I mean she was used to getting whatever she wanted. BOOTH: Like what? ASHTON: Let's just say she wasn't the wifely type. And since she had all the money, she - she thought she could, uh, you know. BOOTH: Do you know any of the men she might have been seeing? ASHTON: I didn't want to know. I just wanted it to blow over. I loved her and I know it sounds pathetic but I just loved her. BOOTH: Forgive me, Mr. Keller, but uh, you stand to inherit quite a lot of money, from your wife, don't you? ASHTON: Yes. I do. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you suspect me, but I was out of town the night that Sadie disappeared, at a golf tournament. BOOTH: I'm gonna need the details. ASHTON: Of course. BOOTH: Yeah. ASHTON: Sadie meant everything to me, Agent Booth. And I know she loved me. Whatever happened, she did. I know that. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins, Angela and Zack are all looking at rats in a cage.) ANGELA: They're cute...for rodents. HODGINS: Yeah, well, don't grow too attached. These little guys - are destined to be snake snacks. ANGELA: But now that we've confiscated them, shouldn't they be safe? I mean, they're material witnesses. HODGINS: It's not like they know sign language, Angela. ZACK: In Grad school, I developed a more efficient method for killing rats prior to dissection. It involved a warm dish of water and the clever use of a ball peen hammer. ANGELA: Zack... HODGINS: Uh, found something. (An x ray of one of the rats is shown with the bullet inside of it) ANGELA: Wow. HODGINS: mhmm. ANGELA: Now what? ZACK: Warm water soothes them like a bubble bath, then- ANGELA: Can't we just wait 'til nature takes it's course? HODGINS: Do you have any idea how tight a rat's rectum is? ANGELA: Please tell me you don't. (Cam appears at the door) CAM: Locate the ammo thief? ZACK: Yes, but we're debating the method of bullet retrieval. CAM: Well, I fed them all a mixture of extra strength laxative and soft tissue dilator when they arrived, so...shouldn't be long now (she leaves) HODGINS: She fed all of them laxatives? ANGELA: I need to go to my - office.... (she leaves too and Hodgins goes after her) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's office. Brennan is working on paperwork when Sully enters.) SULLY: Lunchtime, ho! (he tosses a sandwich to Brennan) BRENNAN: I'm not hungry. SULLY: Oh, come on. It's meatball! It's the perfect food. BRENNAN: Shouldn't you be working? SULLY: I went through the fan mail and gave the likely candidates to Booth to check out. BRENNAN: (dismissively) Yeah, I'm busy, Sully. I'm cataloging injuries the two victims suffered. SULLY: Hey. I am on your side, Tempe. I know what you're going through... BRENNAN: (challenging him) Okay, what? What, Sully? What - what am I going through? SULLY: Okay. You feel responsible. You feel that somehow if you didn't write that book those two people would still be alive. And you're terrified cause you know that someone else dies in the book. BRENNAN: I don't put much credence in psychology. SULLY: Yeah, well neither do I. I'm basing this on knowing you. Well. Knowing how much you care about your work and if trivializing it in the book caused this then - but it just - but it doesn't work like that, Tempe. BRENNAN: Statistically, the murders would have happened whether - the book was written or not. The method might be different is all. SULLY: Right. Now if you only believed that. BRENNAN: You - you don't know me as well as you think. We're just having a fling, so don't get carried away. (Sully leans over and reaches for her hand) SULLY: When you can't stop thinking about someone when they're not around..that's not a fling. When you remember their touch just like they were still right next to you? That's not a fling. If you need to be alone with this, fine - but we both know what we have. (He turns and leaves and Brennan looks after him, visibly shaken. A few seconds later, Zack enters.) ZACK: We have the bullet. (Cut to - Medico Legal Lab - Brennan and Zack are looking over x rays) ZACK: The bullet was jacketed showing little deformity. BRENNAN: And you've compared it with the wounds on both victims? ZACK: Lack of shattering around the exit wound of the first victim suggests a jacketed projectile. BRENNAN: And Angela's rendering also matches the bullet we recovered from the rat. (Booth enters) BOOTH: Zack... (noticing that Brennan is there too) Hey. Bones. Thought that you and uh, Sully were having lunch? BRENNAN: Not hungry. Zack thinks both victims were shot using the same gun. You- you said that Ashton Keller was going get a large inheritance? BOOTH: Right. But his alibi's air tight. He was at Briarwood in Maine at a charity golf tournament. ZACK: So much for that theory. BOOTH: Yeah. What about the red tape? I mean, Did Hodgins uh.. ZACK: The same. BOOTH: Same gun, same tape, no relationship between the victims. I'm tell ya, we're dealing with a serial killer. He's just picking random targets. Nothing else makes sense. BRENNAN: Serial killlers have a pattern, a method of killing. The first victim has numerous defensive wounds including a fractured manubrium and trauma to the temporal bone. There was quite a struggle before he died. BOOTH: Well, what about the second victim? ZACK: Nothing. Only the gun shot. BRENNAN: Did you have something to show me? BOOTH: Oh. New suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Booth & Brennan are heading into Brennan's office) BOOTH: Alright, Sully narrowed the fan mail down to the people most likely to act out in obsessive or dangerous ways but- (he laughs) look who I found. Huh. (He show Brennan a picture of Oliver Laurier - the same guy from Season 1) Your number 1 fan. BRENNAN: Oliver. I haven't seen him in a while. BOOTH: Oliver Laurier. The guy who stalked you when we first started working together. BRENNAN: He used to come to all my readings, follow me around afterwards. BOOTH: Well, it says here your publicist gives his picture to security guards at every signing. BRENNAN: Must by why I haven't seen him. BOOTH: I think it's time for me to go see what our buddy, Oliver, has been up to lately. (Cut to: Outside Olivers Apartment (#206). Booth is knocking on the door) BOOTH: Oliver. You home? OLIVER: (from inside) Who is it? BOOTH: Ah, it's an old friend. (Oliver opens the door a crack - the chain is still on - and he looks out) OLIVER: Special Agent Seeley Booth. You work with Dr. Brennan. Why are you here? BOOTH: Well, ya know. Someone loves Dr. Brennan's new book just a little, uh, too much. Ya know and such since you're such a big fan - (Oliver slams the door shut in his face) Oh. Okay. (he pounds on the door again.) You know what? Not a good idea, Oliver. OLIVER: Go away. BOOTH: Ugh. Alright. You know, this is probable cause. I'm gonna give you 5 seconds. Oliver! (As he counts, he starts to walk away) Five....Four.... OLIVER: I didn't do anything. BOOTH: (counting quickly) Three. Two. One.(then fires his gun at the door knob) Oh, my shrink is gonna be pissed. (he holsters his gun and kicks in the door, entering the apartment to find dolls hanging from the ceiling - wrapped in red tape - just like the murder victims were.) OLIVER: I didn't do anything. BOOTH: Of course you didn't. (he walks over and handcuffs Olive) Come on. Yup... OLIVER: Ow! BOOTH: Sick. (he leads him out of the apartment) Let's go. (Booth looks back at the hanging dolls one more time) ACT III (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Booth is interrogating Oliver.) OLIVER: It was just a game, kay? BOOTH: If it was just a game, why did you slam the door in my face? OLIVER: I'm not stupid. I heard about the murders and I knew you wouldn't understand CRP. BOOTH: CRP? OLIVER: Creative Role Playing. Sometimes I like to pretend. I act out scenes from my favorite books. BOOTH: Exactly how do these "games" of yours go, Oli? Do you ever get tired of playing with your little dolls? Maybe try acting it out on other people? OLIVER: Dr. Brennan's book signing is tonight. I wanted to see her again. BOOTH: Let's stay on point here, Oli. OLIVER: I am on point. I want to see Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: This isn't like going to see Santa. It's more like the principals office, you see. I'm in charge. I call the shots. OLIVER: Did you read Dr. Brennan's new book, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Why do you care? OLIVER: Merely wondering if you know how many victims are in it? BOOTH: What's this about, Oli? OLIVER: I wanna see Dr. Brennan. Santa. (Cut to - Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Angela is helping Brennan get ready for her book signing) BRENNAN: Sully asked Booth to double security for my book reading. ANGELA: Hot! BRENNAN: No. I don't need that kind of 'hot'. Being treated like a damsel in distress? ANGELA: Sully cares about you, honey. It's a good thing. BRENNAN: We've only been seeing each other for a month. You know, he doesn't know me - not really. ANGELA: And if he does he won't like you? BRENNAN: I've already given up too much to him. It's - (she hold up 2 earring) This one or this one? ANGELA: (she points to one) This one. BRENNAN: Okay. (she puts the earrings on) Most relationships end badly. I just think its important to - to be reasonable. To stay in control. ANGELA: (puts Brennan's necklace on) Don't use your brain so much, sweetie. You have other organs that can give you far more pleasure. BRENNAN: I'm just saying that the odds are not in favor of lasting relationships. (she turns back to face Angela) ANGELA: Look. It might end with Sully. Sure. But I don't think you want to rush the process. Look at Hodgins and I. We're running on s*x and laughing. The only thought comes when we order take out in bed. BRENNAN: And you're happy? ANGELA: Hey, we did it in the storage locker an hour ago...I am thrilled. (Brennan smiles) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Cam is examining a body. Brennan stands in the doorway.) BRENNAN: Cam? I have a book signing tonight. CAM: Oh, right. You think that's safe? BRENNAN: (enters) Well, there haven't been any threats on my life. CAM: No threats on these victims either. BRENNAN: Is that the soft tissue sample from the second victim? CAM: Sadie Keller. Found something irregular. Oxygen saturation levels in the blood were extremely low. I think she might have been unconscious before she was killed. BRENNAN: That would explain the lack of struggle but there was no skeletal evidence of a head injury. CAM: I know. My guess would be drug induced. I'm about to run a tox screen. The thing is - why would the killer render this victim unconscious? BRENNAN: Doesn't follow. Serial killers are consistent. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: (to Brennan) Wow. New dress code? Cause I didn't get the memo. (Brennan pulls at her skirt) Okay. Sand I collected from the first victim..It's from feldspathic rock. BRENNAN: That's widely occurring, right? HODGINS: Right. 60% of the earths crust is composed of feldspar. CAM: So...this is no help to us. HODGINS: Actually, it is. These particles are way to finely graduated to have occurred naturally. (Brennan's phone starts to ring) This is manufactured sand. BRENNAN: (answering phone) Hi. Booth. CAM: Can we trace the manufacturer? HODGINS: I've requested samples from every quarry that distributes to the DC area - see if that narrows it down. BRENNAN: (into phone) Okay, I'll be right there. (she hangs up) HODGINS: (to Brennan) Hey. Be careful tonight. BRENNAN: I'm not going to the signing yet. Booth has a suspect. (she heads out) (Cut to: FBI - Observation Room. Booth, Sully & Brennan are watching Oliver sitting in the Interrogation Room) SULLY: Serial killers like to show off and boast about their crimes. (to Brennan) You might be able to get him to open up. BOOTH: (to Brennan) But you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. BRENNAN: What? I'm not afraid of him. BOOTH: I'm not saying that you are, I'm just saying - BRENNAN: I'll be back. (She walks past Booth and heads out the door to go into the Interrogation room) BOOTH: She'll be back. That means... Everything with you two, uh - (Sully motions for him to be quiet). You know what, never mind. (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Brennan is questioning Oliver.) OLIVER: Wow. It's like you dressed up just to see me again. BRENNAN: I can assure you, Oliver, that- that's not the case. OLIVER: But that's what it feels like. To me. BRENNAN: Did you kill those people, Oliver? OLIVER: I- I can't answer that yet. I wanna talk a while first. The dead bodies, is it true? Did they really get eaten, like in the book? BRENNAN: Yes. They did. OLIVER: Ah! I knew it. Some of the Brennanites were skeptical that the deaths were realistic, but I told them - (Cut to: FBI - Observation Room. Booth & Sully - watching Brennan & Oliver.) BOOTH: Did he say "Brennanites"? (Cut back to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Brennan is in with Oliver.) BRENNAN: Did you say "Brennanites"? OLIVER: Murder mystery chat room members. See, all chat room members have to identify themselves with their favorite author. I'm a Brennanite - of course. But there are also, uh, Patterstonians and Graftonadas. BRENNAN: Okay, Oliver, I understand. What did you tell them? OLIVER: That you couldn't make those things up. That everything you write is based in fact. It could really happen. BRENNAN: Oliver, I want to talk about the murders. OLIVER: You look - so beautiful. Maybe I could get a picture of us together... BRENNAN: The murders, Oliver. OLIVER: I know you just dismiss me as another fan but once you get to know me, you realize I'm an interesting man (he reaches his hand out to touch her cheek but she pulls away) BRENNAN: No touching, Oliver. (Cut to: FBI - Observation Room. Booth & Sully - watching Brennan & Oliver.) BOOTH: Okay, end of interview. SULLY: Seems like a good call. (Cut back to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Booth & Sully enter.) BOOTH: Let's go. (Booth goes over to Oliver while Sully goes by Brennan) OLIVER: No. We want to be alone. BOOTH: No, you blew your chance for that. Okay, you can sit in the cell 'til you're ready to talk. OLIVER: Wait, don't leave yet. Not yet. (He reaches for Brennan and she punches him in the nose) BOOTH: Okay.. OLIVER: Oh, my nose. BRENNAN: See? I can take care of myself. BOOTH: (to Sully - under his breath) Yeah, you better watch it, dude. OLIVER: Oh my god. There's so much - (he faints at the site of the blood) (Cut to: FBI - Booth's Office. Brennan, Sully and Booth are talking.) BOOTH: The guy faints at the sight of blood. BRENNAN: He has vasovagal syncope. SULLY: Wait, there's no way he's the killer. He just wanted your attention. BOOTH: Alright, so we're back to square one, alright. The uh, the book is the only connection to these murders. SULLY: It sold 400, 000 copies already. That's a pretty big pool of people to question. BRENNAN: I'm going to be late for my reading. SULLY: Wait, there's still potentially one more victim. I - I think you should cancel. BRENNAN: What? The - the killers not after me, Sully. If he is using the book that makes me the object of these actions not the target. I mean, you're the profiler, right? SULLY: I'm just trying to help. BRENNAN: What?! (Booth starts to back away slowly) You're making this - this personal! You got yourself assigned to this case just because of me! SULLY: Absolutely! What? You're gonna give me more crap because now because I care about you? BOOTH: Be over here making a few calls... (They both turn to him) SULLY: A little help, Booth. Do you think she should go alone? BOOTH: No, no. Not at all. But there seems to be other stuff going on here, I don't wanna get involved - BRENNAN: No. You agreed with him. You are involved. SULLY: Alright, so let Booth take you and that way it won't be personal between us. BRENNAN: Fine! SULLY: Fine. BRENNAN: Fine. SULLY: Fine. (they turn to both) BOOTH: Fine. (Cut to: Outside Landon & Mason Booksellers. Hank is waiting outside when Booth & Brennan arrive in Booth's car) HANK: Oh. My. God. Ellen is going to be so upset you didn't take the car. BRENNAN: No, it's okay. I wanted to go with Booth. You're not going to get in trouble. BOOTH: Man, you're shaking. Are you okay? HANK: Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It's my fault. I'm diabetic and I have not have time to eat and Ellen's not here yet. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Wha- do you have any food? Candy? BOOTH: Yeah. I think I got a half eaten chocolate bar, caramel center (Brennan takes it) Wooow. BRENNAN: (she hands Hank the chocolate bar) Here. Eat. You - you need the sugar. Where- where is Ellen? HANK: I don't know. She went home two hours ago to change her clothes. Left me to handle everything. God, there was almost a riot over the seating arrangements... BOOTH: Well, did you call her? HANK: Who, Ellen? I can't. She left her blackberry, as usual, for me to answer so I would actually be calling myself. This is not like her, she's never late. BOOTH: Alight, look. I'll send a car by her place, check things out, alright? HANK: Thanks. I'll go in and get them ready for you. You can use the back entrance to avoid the nuts. Uh, um, the candy was a little linty, but thank you. BOOTH: Linty? BRENNAN: He - BOOTH: Linty. BRENNAN: He's diabetic. (Cut to: Back lot of Landon & Mason Booksellers. Booth is escorting Brennan through the parking lot.) BOOTH: Quite a line of people there. Lotta fans, Bones. (Booth notices someone approaching them and he turns around and pulls out his gun.) BOOTH: Alright. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there. FAN: Whoa. BOOTH: FBI. Hand in the air. FAN: I just wanted an autograph! (the guy is scared.) BOOTH: Kay, just wait 'til the Doc gets inside. Okay pal? (The fan turns and runs away) FAN: (while running) I'm sorry!! BRENNAN: Was that necessary? BOOTH: Just doing my job, okay Bones? Are you gonna come at me like you came at Sully? BRENNAN: What is that suppose to mean? BOOTH: Look, far be it for me to stick my nose into your bedroom but I've known Sully a long time and believe me, he's one of the good guys. BRENNAN: Well, I know Sully, Booth. BOOTH: And I know you. Alright, somebody gets too close, you just wanna push them away. BRENNAN: I think you're taking your therapy a little too serious... (she sees something in front of her that makes her stop talking) BOOTH: Maybe, maybe not. Come on, let's go. (He realizes that something caught her attention.) What? (he turns around and trail of ants) What the hell is that? BRENNAN: Oh. Booth. They're fire ants. Just like the book. BOOTH & BRENNAN: (in unison) The third body. BOOTH: Okay there is it, alright. BRENNAN: Careful, Booth. Don't let them get on you. (They follow the trail of fire ants to a shed. They open it and inside find a body, wrapped in red tape.) BOOTH: Ohhh. BRENNAN: Oh god. It's Ellen. ACT IV (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Hodgins & Zack are cleaning the ants off the body) HODGINS: You have to be careful with fire ants. They're extremely dangerous. ZACK: I think the victim would agree with you. (Brennan and Cam are approaching the platform) BRENNAN: I asked them to pull the book, but according to my contract, I don't have that right. CAM: I heard sales are increasing because of the murders. (they enter the platform area) BRENNAN: That's sick. These are real people, not characters. CAM: Just remember, at the end of your books, Kathy Reichs always gets the murderer. (to Hodgins) How long will this take? HODGINS: As long as it takes to get every last one of them. Introducing fire ants to the ecosystem around here would be extremely devastating. BRENNAN: What about the crime scene? It was covered. HODGINS: Yeah. I had to fight fire with fire or in this case, fire ants with fire. CAM: Meaning... HODGINS: Had to scotch it. Huge flame thrower. Dude, it was like Ghost Busters the way they all went up- CAM: We get the idea, thanks. BRENNAN: A bullet hole is visible now, around the C2 vertebrae. Close range. CAM: Each shot in a different part of the body. Very unusual for someone who executes his victims. (Cut to: FBI - Observation Room. Sully & Booth are talking.) SULLY: Data retrieval went through Ellen Laskow's blackberry. Found a text messaging address used once about 6 months ago. Former work number of Ashton Keller, Sadie Keller's husband. BOOTH: Oh, wait. Our 3rd victim knew our 2nd victims husband. SULLY: Well, Ashton Keller said his wife was fooling around, maybe Ashton was fooling around with Ellen. BOOTH: But he was a good looking young guy, she was a - scary publicist. SULLY: No accounting for taste. (Hank is lead into the interrogation room) BOOTH: Well, I'll uh, see what the publicist's assistant knows. They're always covering for their bosses, right? SULLY: Well, let's hope so. I'll look for any other connections between Ashton, Keller and our 1st victim. BOOTH: Okay. (he starts to head out to the interrogation room) SULLY: Hey, uh, how is Brennan holding up? BOOTH: Why don't you ask her yourself? SULLY: Um, I'm not sure she's exactly receptive right now. BOOTH: Listen. Don't let her bully you into leaving, man. Alright? SULLY: Yeah. (Booth leaves the room) (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Booth is talking to Hank.) HANK: I - I woke up this morning and picked up her cleaning like always. Stupid huh? I just - I can't get used to the fact that she's not here anymore. BOOTH: You need a candy bar or something? HANK: No, I'm okay. Thanks. So is it the same person who killed the other two? BOOTH: We don't know yet. HANK: When she didn't show up I should have driven back to get her- BOOTH: Was she, uh, having an affair? HANK: She had...lovers. Women. I don't know why she was so secretive in this day and age but I was the only person in the office who knew. BOOTH: Did she know Sadie Keller? HANK: The other victim? We're they - BOOTH: If you can think of anything that might connect them... HANK: Of course. I'll go through my old records and date books. BOOTH: Great. Thanks. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan is looking at pictures of a bullet) BRENNAN: The ridging along the edges is almost identical. ZACK: I'd say the 3rd bullet was definitely shot from the same barrel as the first two. HODGINS: Same glass cloth tape used on body #3. BRENNAN: So why are all the attacks different? (she goes over to the first set of remains) The first victim, Jim Lopada, shows signs of a physical attack before he was shot and look at the angle of the gun shot. CAM: Through the forehead, execution style. BRENNAN: And the second victim (she walks over to the second victims remains), Sadie Keller, shows absolutely no sign of struggle as if she were drugged. CAM: Well, the toxicology screen came back negative. ZACK: And the gunshot on this body was straight through the heart. HODGINS: Like the killer didn't want to see his victims face get blown off. BRENNAN: And Ellen was shot at close range in the back of the neck. CAM: I've never seen a pattern like that. BRENNAN: I don't think it is a pattern. I think there were three, separate killers. (Cut to: FBI Corridor. Booth and Sully are walking) SULLY: Any more leads off the third vic? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm working on it. Brennan called. The publicist took a shot to the back of the neck. She thinks we have three separate killers. SULLY: That's a hell of a coincidence. BOOTH: Or one hell of a conspiracy. You know, she sounded pretty certain and I trust her when she's all calm and relaxed. SULLY: Well, I'll remember that. Uh, so the text message. Uh, Ellen Laskow writes Ashton Keller, comes clean about her and Sadie. Ashton is enraged- BOOTH: No, it was Hank. SULLY: The assistant? What, what about him? BOOTH: He said that he always carried Ellen's blackberry. SULLY: So maybe it wasn't Ellen who knew Ashton. BOOTH: That's right. It was Hank. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins Desk.) HODGINS: I found a quarry sample that matches the sand found on the first body. It was distributed by the Irving Company of West Virginia, used exclusively by country clubs nation wide. Only a few clubs in this area though so I've got a list. BRENNAN: Why do country clubs need sand? HODGINS: For golf courses. (Booth enters) BOOTH: Alright, Bones. You're right. We're dealing with three separate killers and somehow they all know each other and they're using your book to make it look like one person. BRENNAN: What are we talking about? BOOTH: Motive, Bones. Okay. Motive. Victim #1 was beating his wife, second victim left her money to her lazy ass husband.. BRENNAN: Victim three is Ellen who - seemed lonely, so... BOOTH: Bones? Don't try the psychological stuff. It's really not a pretty sight. HODGINS: Ellen was hated by Hank who was also next in line for her job. BOOTH: Heeey. Good work, Hodgins. HODGINS: Thanks. BRENNAN: So, are suspects agreed to kill for each other so they'd each have an alibi? BOOTH: All I need from you people is some proof, okay? HODGINS: Oh. Oh, is that all. BRENNAN: Wait. Sand. Didn't you say that Ashton Keller was a big golfer? BOOTH: Yeah, he plays 9 holes at least everyday at the uh, Rockville Country Club. (Hodgins searches he list to see if the club is listed as a recipient of the sand) HODGINS: Yup. Rockville Country Club. It is the only golf course in Maryland that gets their sand from Irving. BOOTH: Okay. So if Ashton killed Jim, that would mean Hank killed Sadie. What do we know about Hank? BRENNAN: Not much. Hard working, smart, diabeti-diabetic.That's it. (She runs off to find Cam) Cam! Cam! (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay.) CAM: The killer injected Sadie with and excessive amount of insulin to render her unconscious. Being a diabetic, Hank would have easy access to insulin. BOOTH: Kay, well why didn't that show up in tox screen? BRENNAN: Because insulin is a naturally occurring substance in the body. We were only looking for analgesics and depressants. BOOTH: Yeah, okay. What about the third body? Ellen's? CAM: Taken the ants, did a great deal of damage to the epidermis, it's been difficult to get narrative of the injuries. (Cam picks up an ultraviolet light.) BOOTH: Kay. What's that? BRENNAN: Cam is going to examine the body with a reflective ultraviolet lens. See if that gives us anything. CAM: I filtered the lens so that it only allows UV wavelengths of less than 400 nanometers. That way we can see bruises and injury patters that are normally invisible. BOOTH: Kay, (his phone rings) you have fun with that. (he answers) Booth. BRENNAN: A long bruise there - as if the killer has his arm around her neck. CAM: And these marks on the arms - they look like hand prints. Like her killer grabbed her repeatedly all along her arms. BRENNAN: Hands. Wha - may I? BOOTH: (now off the phone) Well, Sully got confirmation of the connection between the killers. CAM: Which is? BOOTH: The Brennanite chat room that Oliver mentioned? The FBI tech squad traced the screen names. Greg Braley, Ashton Keller, Hank Beldon - they're all members. BRENNAN: Look. (she points the UV light on the arm) Syndactally, on the right hand. We can link Greg Braley to Ellen Laskow's death. CAM: All three murders. Each one linked forensically to one of the three suspects. Not bad. What are you waiting for, Booth? Go get the bad guys! BOOTH: That's a good idea. I'll be back. (Cut to: FBI - Corridor. Booth and Brennan walk the three suspects - Greg Braley, Ashton Keller, Hank Beldon - to the Interrogation room. They all sit looking at each other, knowing that their 'game' is over. Brennan & Booth look at them all sitting there and then walk away, closing the door behind them.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan's office. Booth and Brennan are talking.) BOOTH: Tell ya something, alright? Sales of your book are gonna sky rocket after this. (Booth sits in a chair opposite Brennan) BRENNAN: The only problem is our ending is a lot better than the one I wrote in the book. BOOTH: What, are you kidding me? Huh? Kathy Reichs and the FBI guy in the back of the AMG? (they laugh) BRENNAN: The arrest. BOOTH: Oh, yeah. There's that. (Brennan sees Sully standing in the doorway of her office) BRENNAN: Sully. BOOTH: Yeah, you know you really should apologize. I mean, you were really ragging on the guy. He seemed a little frail. SULLY: Eh, I'm a lot strong than I look. BOOTH: Oh, you were - (Booth gets up and stands by the desk) Hey, Sul. SULLY: Hey. So, congratulations. You guys, make a great team. BOOTH: mmhmm. It's true. ( he looks at Brennan - she looks back at him) So true. BRENNAN: (to Sully) Thanks for your help. SULLY: Sure. (Sully and Brennan are lost in their own world and Booth seems a bit uncomfortable) BOOTH: You know, I should run. Bones, ya know, I - I got stuff. (Brennan continues to stay focused on Sully, not hearing a thing Booth is saying.) See ya at work, Sul? SULLY: Yeah, I'll see ya man. (Booth tries once more, unsuccessfully, to get Brennan attention and then leaves her office. Sully moves closer to where Brennan is sitting.) BRENNAN: I - (she stands up in front of him) I did feel responsible, Sully. Do. SULLY: And you thought if I saw you, vulnerable, needing me- that I'd run. BRENNAN: I've been alone my whole life. It's all I know. SULLY: Eh, don't worry. You'll learn fast. (Sully and Brennan kiss. As the scene fades out, we see Booth outside of Brennan's office talking to Hodgins. Hodgins walks away as Booth turns back, looking through her office window, and sees the two of them kissing. He appears to be dejected, drops the folder down on the nearest desk and heads out the door.) --END--

Plan: A: Three separate bodies; Q: What was found murdered? A: Brennan; Q: Who wrote the book? A: the killer's method; Q: What was different every time? A: the team; Q: Who believes there are three killers? A: three killers; Q: How many killers are there? A: Booth; Q: Who is the FBI agent? A: tension; Q: What is increased between Sully and Brennan? A: their relationship; Q: What is strained? Summary: Three separate bodies are found murdered exactly the way Brennan wrote them in her new book. However, the killer's method was different every time, leading the team to believe that it was not one but three killers. Booth and Sully become concerned for Brennan, while she insists she can take care of herself. This increases tension between Sully and Brennan, straining their relationship. Booth tries to help them along, apparently fine with the couple. At the end of the episode, Sully and Brennan reconcile and kiss and Booth, walking away, looks back sadly.

(Cristina and Burke are in the OR) MVO: A patient's history is as important as their symptoms. It's what helps us decide if heartburn's a heart attack, if a headache's a tumor. Sometimes patients will try to rewrite their own histories. They'll claim they don't smoke or forget to mention certain drugs, which in surgery can be the kiss of death. (The patient starts flatlining and blood is squirting everywhere) MVO: We can ignore it all we want. (Cristina looks up and sees Colin in the gallery) MVO: But our history, eventually, always comes back to haunt us. (Burke looks up at Colin) (Meredith's house. Susan and Derek are in the kitchen) Derek: Meredith, she'll accept a certain amount of help and then she starts to feel suffocated. Susan: Oh! Is this...am I suffocating? Derek: Oh no, the groceries are just right. It's me. I sometimes overdo it. Susan: Well, who can blame you? With...after Ellis died, I gave her some time but I wanna be here. I wanna help make things easier... Derek: Good, yeah. Just try to keep it light, you know? Be helpful... (Meredith enters) Derek: Good morning. Meredith: Morning. Derek: You want some coffee? Meredith: Yes. This all you? Susan: I just picked up some things to restock your fridge. Meredith: You bought groceries last week. Derek: Yeah, you have to do it every week, if you want more. Meredith: Well, thank you. It's unexpected and you didn't need to do all this. (Alex walks in) Alex: This for everybody? Susan: Absolutely. Derek: I'm gonna run, I gotta talk to Richard before things get to busy at the hospital. I'll see you. Meredith: Are you gonna talk to him about the uh... Derek: Yeah. Wish me luck. Susan: You don't need it. Just make him listen to you. You deserve to be chief. (Richard and Mark are in the elevator when a woman enters) Woman: Nice sweater. Richard: Yeah...my wife... Woman: What? Richard: My wife, she gave it to me...the sweater. Actually, it's my ex-wife. It's amicable. Woman: I'm sorry? Richard: The divorce, it's amicable. Very friendly. I'm a friendly guy. (The woman and another passenger get out leaving Mark and Richard alone) Mark: I'm a friendly guy? Richard: Sloan! Mark: She pressed five and got off at three. She'd rather walk up two flights of stairs then flirt with you. Hell, she'd rather climb up the outside of the building. Richard: I wasn't flirting. Mark: You're telling me. There's no need to be embarrassed. It's time for you to shake off the rust and get back in the game. You need a wing man. Richard: I have patients to see. (He gets out of the elevator) Mark: We'd make a great team. (Colin enters the room where Cristina is) Colin: Nothing like a quick ventricular reconstruction to jump-start your morning, eh? Cristina: Ok, you've officially become creepy, creepy and stalking. Burke and I have set our date; we're getting married next month. Colin: We both know you're not the marrying kind. Cristina: Well, you don't know that. You don't know me anymore. Colin: Just to be sure you're fully aware of what you're passing up. I'd like you to assist me on my hetrotopic heart transplant today. Cristina: What? A piggyback transplant, seriously? Colin: Burke will want to scrub in too, I imagine. See how it's done. (Cristina and Meredith enter the locker room) Cristina: Hetrotopic transplant, he is upping his game. I need a gambit. I need to force him into the defensive, take his queen. (Meredith just looks at her) You've never played chess? Meredith: I'm not a geek. Cristina: I've gotta crush him. I've gotta annihilate him at his own game. Meredith: So, it's weird, right? That Susan keeps stopping by like this? I mean, we just became friends or semi-related or whatever you call your estranged father's wife. Alex: You may be confused since you were basically raised by wolves but this is what mother's do. They stop by, they stock the fridge. Dude, you think she might do our laundry? Meredith: Hey! Get your own fake mom. (George enters) George: Hey. (To Callie) Bad night on call? Callie: Yeah, one my patient's gooey abscess exploded all over me at 4 am... (Izzie enters holding a rosary) Izzie: Holy Mary, mother of God. Pray for us sinners now and in the... Alex: (Whistles) Iz, you look nice. Meredith: Did you just come from confession? Izzie: Holy Mary... Meredith: In a church? Izzie: Shut up. Alex: Izzie Stevens does penance. You did something bad. Callie: I smell like poo. Did you think I can make it through today without falling asleep? George: Do you want to make a coffee date? 3 pm, you could use a little pick me up. Callie: Yeah. Sounds nice, really nice. George: Good. Callie: Ok. (Jane Doe's room) Alex: (Taking a picture of her new face) Smile. Aww, come on man, that's not a smile. Jane Doe: Can I see? It's me? Oh my god. I know this is gonna sound terrible but I'm not bad looking. Meredith: Beautiful is the word you're looking for. Izzie: I was gonna say hot. George: I was gonna too but I think I would've gotten in trouble. Bailey: You would have. Mark: Still a little swelling. In a day or two I'll raise that hot to smoking. Jane Doe: Then shouldn't we wait to take the after pictures? Bailey: We could but the sooner we take them the sooner we get them out there. Mark: Your picture's gonna be everywhere. The police, the news, the internet. Jane Doe: But if my face looks completely different then what good would pictures do? Mark: I was able to maintain aspects of your bone structure so your face bares some similarities to your old face. Plus, your hair and your eyes are the same. Jane Doe: You think? Do you really think someone will finally recognize me? Alex: I think you should smile. (Izzie and George are in the clinic) Izzie: I'm telling you, this confession thing. It really works. It's like we have a do-over. Our sin is gone. So you don't have to keep avoiding me. George: Yeah, I do. Until this thing blows over, I do. (Loudly) Javier Rugero. Javier...uh...Rugero. Izzie: Blows over? What does that even mean? George: When Meredith and I, uh...eventually, you know, blew over, passed. Izzie: You mean the sad s*x? The sad, tragic, depression inducing s*x you had with Meredith is the same as what... George: Ok...ok, back off. Just for now, back off. (Loudly) Javier Rugero (George walks away and Caroline and Dustin Klein walk up) Dustin: You're Dr. Isobel Stevens? Izzie: Yes. If you're Mr. Rugero, you're with Dr. O'Malley. Dustin: Dr. Stevens... Caroline: We, um...our daughter has leukemia...and needs a bone marrow transplant. Izzie: You're uh...you're looking for hematology. It's third floor west, through these double doors, second set of elevators on the...on the right. (Caroline starts sobbing) Izzie: I'm so sorry about your daughter but Seattle Grace has one of the best bone marrow transplant centers in the country. If you'd like I can take you up there myself. Dustin: No, no. It's just that...you look so much like our daughter. We're Dustin and Caroline Klein. We're Hannah's parents. We're her...we're your daughter's parents. You're Hannah's birth mother. Dustin: Hannah was diagnosed a few months ago with acute myeloid leukemia. We, um...we looked you up and we know that that's wrong but... Caroline: She needs the transplant. We were set to go. We had a donor. Dustin: Her donor died, registry called Hannah's oncologist last night. Caroline: Cause apparently Hannah hasn't had enough bad luck. Dustin: We'd never ask. I mean, we had no intentions bothering you...ever. Caroline: But last night everything changed. Izzie: No, of course. Of course I'd donate. It's just...a biological parent isn't usually a good donor. I'm only a half match. Hannah would probably do better getting back on the donor list and waiting. Caroline: I know when you gave her up, we promised to take care of her, to keep her safe. But I can't protect her from this. It's genetic. You have to take care of her. Dustin: Every day we wait she gets sicker. Caroline: And if we're lucky, you could be better than a half match. Izzie: Yeah. Is she...she's here? (They nod) God, she must be scared. Dustin: She's upstairs with my mother. Izzie: Can I...um...I'd like to meet her. Dustin: Well, we'd have to check with Hannah... Caroline: But if she agrees, of course, we'd be ok with it. Isobel...our daughter could die. (Cristina, Burke, and Colin enter Charles' room) Colin: Charles, this is Dr. Burke. I've invited him to assist on the surgery. Charles: How do you do Dr. Burke? (Playing chess) Burke: You playing yourself? Charles: It distracts me from the fact that you're gonna have your hands in my chest in a few hours. Colin: This...Charles, is a former student of mine, a formidable chess player herself. Dr. Cristina Yang. Cristina: Soon to be Dr. Cristina Burke. We're getting married. (She puts her hand on Burke's chest) Next month. Charles: Congratulations! Cristina: Thank you, sir. Colin: (Looking sick) Perhaps, you'd like to explain the procedure, Dr. Yang? Cristina: Absolutely! (She grabs Burke's hand) Mr. Redford, instead of replacing your current we're going to attach it to the new heart essentially piggy backing it. The two hearts pump together, sharing the workload. It's, uh...it's a perfect team. Colin: More accurately, the new heart will circulate blood to the body while the native heart will pump blood to the lungs. More of a divide and conquer approach, wouldn't you say, Dr. Yang? Charles: Sounds risky? Burke: All surgeries carry a degree of risk but Dr. Marlow pioneered the procedure. Cristina: And Dr. Burke is one of the foremost cardio-thoracic surgeons in the country. Colin: Well, I'll be the one on point, of course. So, you've nothing to worry about. You've picked the best man for the job. (Outside the room, Cristina and Burke are walking in the hall) Burke: What was that? Cristina: That was my smug, passive-aggressive whiny ex-boyfriend trying to show me I picked the wrong guy. Burke: Oh, I know. I'm fine with it as long as I'm learning something. I was actually talking about you. What was that? Cristina: You're gonna have to put up with me being nice and sweet for a little while. Burke: That'll be a nice change of pace. Cristina: Shut up. Burke: That's more like it. (Addison walks up to Alex in the hall) Addison: Hey. I saw Ava. She looks terrific. Alex: Yeah, yeah she does. Sloan kicked it out. Addison: Yeah, well, you had something to do with that too. Alex: Just doing my job. Addison: Geez, you cannot take a compliment. Alex: I just...don't wanna get people thinking... Addison: What? You're trying to build the perfect woman? (A nurse walks up) Nurse: Dr. Montgomery, the police just called. They're on their way over. They think they found Jane Doe's family. (Derek and Richard are in his office) Derek: I'm sure you felt that you needed to be even handed when you announced that you were looking for someone to take over as chief. Give everybody a shot at the brass ring. Richard: I did. Derek: Cam we drop that rouse soon? Richard: It's not a rouse. Derek: You promised me the job when I came here. It's why I came. Richard: No, you came because you're marriage fell apart and you had to get the hell out of... Derek: We had an understanding and now you're having me jump through hoops with every other attending in this hospital. I hear you're giving Marlow special privileges to do a piggyback surgery. Richard: This is a teaching hospital, Derek. Derek: Yeah...my interview didn't go as well as I had hoped. I would like your support with the board. You have my credentials; you know I'm ready. Richard: I only have one vote. Derek: It's a strong vote. (Izzie walks past Bailey in the clinic) Izzie: Ok. I'm not feeling well. Bailey: (To George) What's wrong with that girl? (Bailey enters that bathroom where Izzie is hiding in a stall crying) Bailey: Look, I can't talk to you when you're making all that noise. So, pull it together and get out here. Now! Izzie: (Comes out) I have an 11-year-old daughter. She needs a bone marrow transplant. I'm potentially a good match. Please don't tell anybody, please. This isn't a chapter in my history that... Bailey: I understand. Izzie: She's here...my kid...and I'm supposed to go up to pediatrics and meet here. Right now and...I've thought about this moment. What I would look like. What I would say. But I thought I would be older. More together, more mature. I thought she would be older. I never thought that she would be sick. Oh god, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. What do I do? (Conference room, Alex and Addison are sitting with Joan and Frank Waring, Jane Doe's potential parents) Joan: We love are daughter but we never got along with her husband. Alex: So, she has a husband? Frank: Had. One day while she was at work, he packed up and disappeared. Joan: He didn't want a baby but she went after him, even pregnant like that. Frank: We hadn't heard from her in months and then today we saw her picture on TV. Addison: Mr. and Mrs. Waring, the woman we found, if she is your daughter... Joan: (Pulling out a picture) Her nose is different and her chin but they'd said that her face had been...you know, changed. Alex: Do you happen to know your daughter's blood type? Joan: She's b positive. Addison: Any medical conditions, surgeries we should know about? Joan: She had her tonsils out when she was 12. Frank: It's her, isn't it? It's Shannon. (Susan is walking through the hall and Meredith sees her) Meredith: Susan? Susan: Meredith, hi. So glad I found you. Meredith: Twice in one day. Susan: Is this a bad time? I mean, I know you're always busy but... Meredith: Yeah, no, I'm just at work. Susan: Ok, I was, um...you know I'd really just love to talk with you. I'd love to find a time for you and me to sit down... Meredith: I'm sorry. This is too much, way too much. You keep showing up. I cannot be your daughter or your charity case or the thing that you need to fix. Susan: I'm not trying to... Meredith: No, no, stop talking, ok? Stop mothering. Just stop. (Alex enters Jane Doe's room where she is watching herself on the news) Jane Doe: My glamour shot's been on the news at least ten times already. Bet you're gonna miss me when my fancy family shows up to take me away. Alex: You don't know they're fancy. Open up. Jane Doe: Why what's wrong with my throat? Alex: How do I know, I haven't even seen it yet. Now open up. Jane Doe: No, not til you tell me what...wait...someone has recognized me, haven't they? Alex, Alex, you have to tell me who it is, please? Alex: Their daughter's blood type is b positive. She's your age, she's pregnant, you're height, you're hair color and she has no tonsils. So now you gonna open up? Jane Doe: Yes, please tell me I have no tonsils. Alex: Say ahh. Jane Doe: Ahh. Alex: No tonsils. (Mr. and Mrs. Waring enter) Jane: Shannon? Alex: Mr. and Mrs. Waring, I asked you to wait. I have tests to complete. Jane Doe: Alex, it's ok. Jane: Your name is Shannon Marie. Frank: Marie was my mothers name, your grandmother. Jane Doe: Shannon Marie (Bailey enters the clinic and gives instructions to George. Izzie is in the hallway nearby) Bailey: Ok, discharge beds 1 and 3. 2 needs a social worker and hold this down for me O'Malley. I'm gonna be out for awhile. George: Why? What's going on with Izzie? Bailey: What's going on with Stevens is none of your concern. What is your concern, sick people, all these sick people, until I get back, understand? (Meredith walks up) Meredith: Dr. Bailey. Just did a consult in trauma one, guy has a perf, can I scrub in? Bailey: No you cannot scrub in. You're here with O'Malley for now. Meredith: (To George) Hey, what's wrong with Izzie? George: Beds 7 through 13, start with number 8. He doesn't have much bladder control. (Charles' room) Burke: First Mr. Redford, while Dr. Marlow is preparing the surgical area, I will be examining the donor heart. Colin: Actually, I'm sorry, I'll examine the donor heart. I want to be sure the IVC orifice is open, so...Carry on. Burke: Then I'll open your chest and put you on bypass. At which point, we will connect the left atrium and the right atrium... Colin: The superior vena cava. It simplifies the subsequent cardiac biopsies. You didn't read my article in the cardio-thoracic monthly last year, did you? Well, I think Cristina has a copy of it. Cristina, may I? Cristina: Oh, of course. (She hands him the magazine and her nails are painted a rainbow of colors) Colin: Oh, what on earth? Cristina: Oh, testing colors. Colin: For the big day I assume. Cristina: I'm thinking...coral? (Mark walks up to Richard in the hall) Mark: Hey, chief, come here I want to show you something. Richard: I'm busy, Sloan. Mark: I need an update on my patient in room 3129. Nurse: Uh...hi. Mark: Hi. Nurse: Ok. I have that right here. Mark: I like those sneakers. You a runner? Nurse: Yeah. Mark: Me too. Maybe we should go running sometime. Nurse: Sure. Anything else I can help you with, Dr. Sloan? Mark: Nope, all good. (Nurse walks away) Wing man. Richard: Wing man. (Outside pediatrics, Bailey and Izzie are standing together) Izzie: Hannah's in there right now. Bailey: She is. You see her, you'll know what to do. Must be nice to know she has parents like this, who fight for her. Think about what she wants; try to make her happy, like you would have. Doesn't mean, you don't want that girl to want you. Izzie: Yeah. (Caroline and Dustin come out) Caroline: I'm...she's so, so tired. Dustin: We left it up to Hannah and she's just not ready. I'm sorry. Caroline: We don't wanna force it, maybe another time. Dustin: When she's feeling better. Izzie: Of course. I understand. Dustin: I'm sorry, but...the transplant? Bailey: Stevens? Hey, look at me, look at me. Your girl...you can want her to want you all day long but she has to be here if she's ever gonna have that chance again. Izzie: I'm sorry. Of course, yeah, I'm ready. Lets get started. [SCENE_BREAK] (Alex enters Jane Doe's room where she is sitting with Frank) Jane Doe: Hey, guess what? I'm a teacher. I teach second grade at North Bend Elementary. Or at least I did. Frank: You can get your job back whenever you want. They love you there. When will we be able to take her home. Alex: You...you wanna take her back to... Frank: North Bend. We've got a room all set up for her. Your mom's got all of your books and your letters and diaries. Jane Doe: I kept diaries? Frank: About 800 of them. So even if you don't remember everything now, you will. Jane Doe: You hear that? I can go right? Alex: Well, you're still getting IV antibiotics and we're monitoring the baby very closely right now. Jane Doe: Yeah, but you can make it happen, right? Come on Alex don't doctor me. Help me get out of here. Alex: Dr. Montgomery's got you on strict bed rest until your delivery. But I'll ask, maybe you can do it from home. Jane Doe: Home... (Derek walks up to Meredith in the hallway) Derek: Hey. Meredith: Hey. Derek: You ok? Meredith: Horrible...I'm in a horrible mood. I yelled at Susan. I think I scared off my fake mommy forever. Derek: Hmm...need cheering up? Meredith: No. Derek: Me either. It's gonna be ok. (They hug) Meredith: You think? Derek: Yeah, Susan will be ok. (Richard walks out and sees them hugging) Meredith: How'd it go with the chief? Derek: Uh, about as well as you and Susan. Meredith: We make a good team. Derek: Hmm... (Meredith enters the clinic) Alex: Been waiting for you in really old guys room for 20 minutes. What gives? Meredith: Sorry, we decided to eat down here today. Alex: Nobody told me. George: Anybody...move. Anybody know what's going on with Izzie? Something's going on. Meredith: Why don't you just ask her yourself? George: Fine. I would if I knew where she was. Cristina: I bought you lunch. Meredith: You've got stuff on your hands. Cristina: I'm trying to scare away cardio god. Meredith: With pretty fingers? Cristina: You take his bishop. Hey pouty head. Aww you so sad cause no face girls family taking her home. Meredith: Really? Someone claimed Ava? Alex: Yeah, her parents. Meredith: She must be so relieved. Cristina: Yeah, unless they suck. Can you imagine? You can't remember a family and then they show up and it turns out they're psycho killers. Meredith: Yeah, or over sharers. Alex: Whatever. She's a patient. I don't give a crap who her parents are or where she goes. Can we move on? (Another part of the clinic) George: (To a patient) One second. (To Bailey) What's up with Izzie? Bailey: I told you it's none of your concern. George: No, it is my concern. I demand to know. Bailey: I hope I didn't just hear you say you demand. Are you her father? Are you her husband? Then stay here and keep your mind on your job, you hear me? (George walks off and Meredith walks up) Bailey: Grey? Uh, look...I need to be upstairs. So, do not let this out of your sight. Walk this to the lab, watch the lab run the test bring the test results directly to me. Nobody else. Meredith: It's Izzie. What's the matter? Bailey: You will be discreet and not ask a bunch of questions. Now this is a private matter. She needs these results, now. Meredith: Ok. (Izzie is in a room getting ready for her donation) Izzie: Wow. That's a big needle. Doctor: It's standard. You should start to feel numb about ten minutes after I inject the lidocaine, ok? Izzie: Yeah, I know. I've given epidurals before. I know that's the needle. It's just that somehow it seems so much bigger now that it's going into my spine. Doctor: Little stick. Izzie: Oh, god. Bailey: You sure I can't call someone? One of your friends? You're gonna need somebody to hold your hand. Izzie: No thank you. Bailey: You sure? Yeah well I can take a lot of pressure. It's rough as sand paper. Doctor: Little pressure. (Meredith is in the ambulance bay and George walks up to her) George: Meredith, tell me where she is. Meredith: I can't. If she wanted you to know, George... George: She does. She just...we're just having one of our stupid fights. Do you know how wrong it is if she's really in trouble and I'm not there because we're being idiots. Come on. Meredith, please. Meredith: She's upstairs in procedure room a. That's all I know. George: Thank you. (Outside Jane Doe's room, Joan is outside and Alex walks up. Frank is inside with Jane Doe.) Alex: So...Dr. Montgomery says you can take your daughter home. But she wants to talk to her local OB/GYN. There's some things she wants to go over before we release her. Joan: I can't. Alex: Ok...I can go through all this with your husband, if... Joan: No, you don't understand. I can't take her home. That girl is not my daughter. She does look an awful lot like Shannon. Sometimes she even sounds like her. Alex: Well, with the surgery and the loss of memory... Joan: A mother knows her own child, Dr. Karev. And that is not my child. Alex: But your husband, he... Joan: Look if that's not Shannon, we still don't know where our girl is. Do you understand? He needs it to be her. How am I supposed to tell him? How do I tell either of them? Alex: Mrs. Waring... Joan: Dr. Karev, would you ask my husband to meet me in the lobby? Alex: You have to face her. Joan: Please tell her I'm sorry. (Richard's office) Richard: Things have changed. Derek: No, no, nothing has changed. I deserve your support, Richard. Tell me I have it. Tell me I didn't move to Seattle for nothing. Richard: You moved to Seattle to start a new life and you did. You have a fantastic woman who loves you... Derek: This is not about my personal life. This is about my career... Richard: Do you know what being chief will do to your life? Why the hell do you think I'm getting a divorce? Or dying my hair? You can't do it all. Not if you wanna be chief. Derek: You couldn't do it all. Richard: And neither can you. Derek: Don't put your mistake on me. Don't. I am the best candidate for the job. You know it and I know it. And that is the only factor you need to take in consideration. You know, I don't need your protection Richard and I don't want it. Richard: I'm not trying to protect you Derek. I told Ellis...I promised her that I would look after her daughter. (George enters Izzie's procedure room) Bailey: O'Malley, did Stevens ask for you here? Izzie: No, no I did not! Bailey: Then you need to turn yourself around and go... George: You're giving bone marrow. Bailey: This is a private matter. George: I'm not leaving. Izzie: George! George: No...(To Bailey) Make me. Izzie: Hey! Doctor: Sorry, I'm starting now. Izzie: Just let me know when you're gonna do stuff, ok? George: Hey, you're ok. (To Bailey) I got it here. Bailey: Fine. Stevens, I'm going unless you need me to call security. Izzie: I'll manage. Thank you. You said back off. George: You didn't tell me you were having a bone drilled in your damn hip. For who? What's this private matter? Doctor: Ok, I'm going in when you're ready. George: Yeah. (Callie enters the clinic) Meredith: Hey, Callie. Callie: Hi. Meredith: Hi. So, if you could just take these two then that'll free me up to do... Callie: Oh, no, no, no. No, I'm not here to work. I'm um, I'm um, I'm um, I'm sorry. I haven't slept in like two days and I'm actually looking for George. We're supposed to meet up for coffee. Meredith: Oh. Callie: So, yeah. Meredith: Ok. He's uh with Izzie. I think, so...if you're not here to work I'm just gonna take these back. Thanks. (Charles' surgery) Burke: 15 blade. Colin: Suction please. Dr. Burke, you're not using the superior transaction approach for the atriotomy are you? Burke: Is that a problem? Colin: Not at all...unless your intention is to kill the patient. Burke: Dr. Marlow, from what I've read... Colin: Yes, well...reading about a procedure is one thing and performing it is quite another. It was my mistake. I should never have allowed you to scrub in. I think it best from this point on that you simply observe. Suction please. Hurry up. (Izzie's procedure room) George: You should use the wheelchair. You're gonna be sore. Izzie: I'm aware. I'm fine now. Thank you. George: Uh, you mean, pantless but fine? Izzie: Uh crap. (George helps her put her pants on) George: Stand. Izzie: I got it. George: Ok. Izzie: Hannah, an 11-year-old girl. That's the private matter. She's mine. Don't...don't look at me. My mother wanted me to keep her but I knew even at 16, I knew that baby deserved better then life at a Chalis trailer park. And now she's here and she might be dying and she doesn't wanna meet me. Oh, crap. I didn't think I really cared until she said no. How bout that? I can say hail Mary's until...until I turn into Mary but I still miss you. Not that the s*x...it was not tragic but George...but I'll live without it. I won't make it if you can't be my friend. If we can't... George: What you did today...you should be proud. I'll get an orderly to take you downstairs but I have to go. You understand? (George leaves the room and suddenly turns back) (Cristina enters the OR where Burke is) Cristina: Some surgery. And Colin was... Burke: Brilliant. He's a gifted surgeon. Cristina: Listen I have a question. When you move the atrium to the vena cava why did you switch from 3.0 to 5.0 sutures? Burke: You wanna use the finest sutures you can for vascular structures. A delicate tissue demands a delicate touch. Cristina: Right. That makes sense. Thank you. Burke: Of course. See you at home? Cristina: Yeah. (Burke leaves and Colin walks in from behind the door where he had been hiding) Cristina: How long have you been standing there? Colin: Long enough. We've been playing our little game all day long. But what I just saw...that was real. That question you asked him, the question about the sutures that was from my paper, the one you helped me write. You already knew the answer. Cristina Yang I knew was concerned with excellence. She would've never played the part of helpless girl to build up a grown mans ego. What has become of you? Cristina: I've learned that sometimes you have to think about other people. Colin: You compromised yourself. Cristina: No. Colin: I'm going home. You're right it's senseless. Coming here, chasing after a job that was beneath me just so I could be near a women who... a woman who apparently no longer exists. Best of luck with the wedding. (George wheels Izzie to pediatrics) Izzie: There they are...I can't...I can't...you look. Please, you look for me. George: Ok. She's getting the infusion. You did it. Izzie: Is she um...how does she look. George: You can...you can see for yourself. It's ok; she can't see us from here. She's got your eyes. And your mouth...oh...it means she probably talks a lot and eats a lot then. If she's in pain she's not letting on. Man she's tough. (Izzie stands up to look at her daughter. There is a bald little girl) Izzie: That's her George, that's Hannah. George: Yeah. Izzie: She's beautiful, she's really beautiful. George: Yeah, she's a heartbreaker. (Derek walks into the clinic that is empty except for Bailey) Derek: You need some help with that? Bailey: I know you didn't just wander in here to help me change pillowcases. Derek: You warned me she could become a problem. Bailey: Who Meredith? Derek: You know, you love somebody; you think you can handle it all. Bailey: You've done all right, both of you. Derek: I came out here to be chief and Meredith complicates that. Bailey: Huh. If this turns into an either or, you pick the person you love, end of story. Look, all of this means nothing if you're alone. (Callie is waiting in the lobby for George) George: Oh, crap. Our coffee. I'm sorry, I forgot. I got so busy. Callie: Oh yeah with what? George: The clinic, patients. I mean...you know how it is. Oh man. Callie: Yeah, I know how it is. I'm tired...I'm really, really tired so I'll see you at home. George: Ok. Callie: Ok. George: Ok, ok. (Alex enters Jane Doe's room) Alex: Solitaire. Jane: My dad taught me. That sounds so weird...my dad. Good weird though. So, are you and the redhead gonna let me go home or are you too busy making eyes at each other to even ask. What? Alex: Ava... Jane: It's Shannon... Alex: Listen... Jane: My name is Shannon, Shannon Marie... Alex: I'm sorry. Jane: Those are supposed to be my people. I belong with them, Alex. I'm supposed to go with them. Alex: You're people...we don't even know who they are yet. Jane: You don't wanna find them. You wanna keep me all to yourself. Well here I am. Your pathetic captive audience. Isn't it sad that I'm the best you can do? Alex: Ava... Jane: My name is not Ava. You made it up. It's not me. Get out, get out. MVO: Some people believe that without history our lives amount to nothing. (Richard and Mark enter a bar) Richard: Sloan, you brought me to a bar. You know I don't drink. Mark: Which is perfect. Better to keep you mind sharp. Let the ladies do the drinking. Richard: You think if you get me laid, I might make you chief. (Mark smiles) MVO: At some point we all have to choose. Do we fall back on what we know... (Burke and Cristina's apartment) Burke: I hear Dr. Marlow's going home. Cristina: About time. Burke: The finger nails, the hand holding, well played. Now you can get back to being Cristina. MVO: Or do we step forward to something new. (Derek is laying on the couch in his trailer) MVO: It's hard not to be haunted by our past. (Derek's phone rings and he ignores it. Meredith is in her house calling.) MVO: Our history is what shapes us, what guides us. (Meredith's doorbell rings, its Susan) Meredith: Seriously? Susan: Ok, that stops right now. Meredith: It's just I'm...I'm waiting for Derek and I'm very tired. Susan: I don't care. Let me in. Meredith: Excuse me? Susan: It's freezing out here and I've been working myself up to saying this...well, for a while now. So I need you to let me in now, please. (Enters the house) It's my fault your father didn't fight harder for you. I knew about you. I could've pushed him to be a part of your life. I should've pushed him. You were a child we were the adults. But we were just married and it was new and that's what I carried about. And I know the groceries and stuff are a little much. That's just what I do. I mean, quit looking at me like I'm crazy cause that not fair. I'm just trying to find a way to be there for you, the only way that I know how. And if you can't accept that fine. Just stop being so rude and I...ok...I'm overstepping again, aren't I? Meredith: As mothers go, I've only ever known overbearing never overprotective. This is all new. It's ok. Susan: It is? Meredith: Yes. MVO: Our history resurfaces time after time after time. (Mark and Richard are talking with a woman at the bar) Mark: Not just surgery but chief of surgery. Woman: Really? Richard: Oh well...not for much longer really. Mark: I'm gonna go over there. Hold down the fort chief. Richard: So, um, you come here often? Woman: Sometimes, it's on my way home from bio class. (Addison walks up) Addison: Excuse me, is this seat taken. Richard: No. It's was...it was nice talking you. (Woman leaves) Last time I tried to pick up a woman I had a Harvey Wallbanger in one hand and an afro pick in the other. Addison: Aww, Richard. Richard: I mean think about it, when you're married you like to think you still have game. Addison: Practice on me. Richard: I'm sorry? Addison: Mark's right. I mean, he's wrong about so many things but he is right about this. You need to get back out there so practice. Richard: Addison, I wouldn't know where to start. Addison: Ask me to dance. Richard: Well look...there's no dance floor. Addison: So...ask me anyway. (They start dancing) MVO: So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we're making today.

Plan: A: Hannah Klein; Q: Who is Izzie's daughter? A: the hospital; Q: Where is Hannah brought for treatment? A: leukemia treatment; Q: What is Hannah Klein being treated for? A: George helps; Q: Who helps Izzie out? A: Callie; Q: Who does George forget to have coffee with? A: Mark; Q: Who offers to be Webber's wingman? A: dating; Q: What does Mark offer to help Webber with? A: Derek; Q: Who comes to the conclusion that his relationship with Meredith is the only thing standing in his way to become the Chief of Surgery? A: the conclusion; Q: What does Derek come to? A: Colin; Q: Who tries to convince Cristina to break up with Burke? A: Cristina's lives; Q: Colin continues to intrude on Burke and whose lives? A: Susan; Q: Who is Meredith's stepmother? A: her constant mothering; Q: What does Meredith snap at her stepmother for? A: their daughter; Q: Who do the couple believe Ava is? A: the mother; Q: Who rejects Ava? A: Alex; Q: Who is left to inform Ava that her parents have left? Summary: When Izzie's daughter, Hannah Klein, is brought to the hospital for leukemia treatment, her adoptive parents come searching for Izzie, and ask her to donate her bone marrow in support. She is saddened to learn that her daughter does not want to see her, but is surprised to see how alike they are. George helps Izzie out, but forgets about a coffee break with Callie. Mark offers to be Webber's wingman, to get him back into dating. Derek comes to the conclusion that his relationship with Meredith is the only thing standing in his way to become the Chief of Surgery. Colin continues to intrude on Burke and Cristina's lives with an impending surgery he will perform. He tries to convince Cristina to break up with Burke, due to their targets being completely different. After realizing that Cristina has changed, Colin drops out of the race for Chief and leaves the hospital. Meredith starts to grow closer to her stepmother, Susan, but they experience a blip when Meredith snaps at her for her constant mothering. A couple arrives at Seattle Grace Hospital to see Ava, whom they initially believe to be their daughter, but the mother rejects Ava without telling her. They leave Alex to inform Ava, causing Ava to lash out.

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School at night. The camera pans around from the side of the building to the main entrance. Cut to a hall. The camera moves down the hall past the trophy case and at the library turns to the right down another hall. Cut to a science classroom. The camera pans low along a row of desks. Cut to the windows. The counter in front of them is full of various things. A skeleton, some vertebrae, jars of things in formaldehyde, a skull and a microscope. A fist punches through a window pane and reaches in to undo the clasp. It's a boy and a girl, sneaking into the school. Darla: Are you sure this is a good idea? Boy: It's a great idea, now come on. They crawl in. Cut to the hall. They come out of the classroom and walk down the hall. Darla: Do you go to school here? Boy: I used to. On top of the gym it's so cool. You can see the whole town. He continues down the hall, but she stops him close to the intersection. Darla: I, I, I, I don't wanna go up there. Boy: Aw, you can't wait, huh? Darla: We're just gonna get in trouble. Boy: Yeah, you can count on it. They almost kiss when Darla startles, draws a quick breath and turns her head around to look down the hall. Darla: What was that? Boy: What was what? Darla: I heard a noise. Boy: It's nothing! Darla: Uh, uh, maybe it's something. Boy: Or maybe it's some *thing*! Darla: That's not funny. He looks down the other hall. Boy: Hellooooo! (to Darla) There's nobody here. Darla: Are you sure? (looks away) Boy: Yes, I'm sure. Darla: Okay. She turns back to him all vamped out. She growls and bites him. He grunts in pain as they sink to the floor. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. The camera shows a shot of her in bed from above. She's having the nightmares. The Master's lair, the cemetery, the Master, visions of vampires, other demons and various events and artifacts. She wakes with a start. Joyce: (off camera) Buffy? Buffy: (sitting up) I'm up, Mom! Joyce: (off camera) Don't wanna be late for your first day! Buffy: (to herself) No... Wouldn't want that. Cut to the school. The camera pans from the street to the main building. Cut to Joyce pulling up to the school in her Jeep to drop off Buffy. Joyce: Okay! Buffy gets out. Joyce: Have a good time. I know you're gonna make friends right away, just think positive. (gives a thumbs up) Buffy looks through the open car door and gives her mother a quick nod. She turns to go and closes the door behind her. Joyce: And honey? Buffy looks back at her mom again. Joyce: Try not to get kicked out? Buffy: I promise. Joyce: Okay. Buffy faces the school and lets out a deep breath. Joyce drives off. Cut to Xander, doing his usual bob and weave through the crowd on his skateboard. Xander: 'Scuse me, comin' through, pardon me, 'scuse me, whoa! 'Scuse me, not sure how to stop! Please move, whoa, 'scuse me... (notices Buffy) Whoa! He stares at her and doesn't notice that he's headed right for the stair railing. He crashes into it and falls beneath it, grunting in pain. Willow walks up and has to step high to avoid tripping over his legs. Xander: I'm Okay. I feel good. She looks down at him, smiling and pulling her hair behind her ear. Xander: (sees her) Willow! You're so very much the person that I wanted to see! (gets up) Willow: Oh, really? They start walking toward the school. Xander: Yeah. You know, I kinda had a problem with the math. Willow: Uh, which part? Xander: The math. Can you help me out tonight, pleeeease, be my study buddy? Willow: Well, what's in it for me? Xander: A shiny nickel! Willow: Okay. Do you have 'Theories in Trig'? You should check it out. Xander: Check it out? Willow: From the library? Where the books live. Xander: Right, I'm there! See, I wanna change... Cut to the hall just inside the door. Jesse: Hey, hey! Xander: Hey, Jesse, what's what? Jesse: New Girl! Xander: That's right, I saw her. Pretty much a hottie! Willow: I heard someone was transferring... Xander: So tell! Jesse: Tell what? Xander: What's the sitch, what do ya know about her? Jesse: New girl! Xander: Well, you're certainly a font of nothing! Cut to Principal Flutie's office. Buffy is seated. He has her school records and walks around the desk to his chair as he looks them over. Mr. Flutie: Buffy Summers, sophomore, late of Hemery High in Los Angeles. Interesting record, quite a career... He sits, takes the sheet he's reading and tears it into four pieces. Mr. Flutie: Welcome to Sunnydale! A clean slate, Buffy, that's what you get here. What's past is past. We're not interested in what it says on a piece of paper, even if it says... (reads) Whoa. Buffy: Mr. Flutie... Mr. Flutie: All the kids here are free to call me Bob. Buffy: Bob... Mr. Flutie: But they don't. He begins reassembling the torn sheet. Buffy: I know my transcripts are a little... colorful. Mr. Flutie: Heeey... We're not caring about that. Do you think, uh, 'colorful' is the word? (tapes the paper) Not, uh, 'dismal'? Buffy: Wasn't *that* bad! Mr. Flutie: You burned down the gym. Buffy: (exhales) I did, I really did, but... You're not seeing the big picture here, I mean, that gym was full of vampi... asbestos. Mr. Flutie: Buffy, don't worry. Any other school they might say 'watch your step', or 'we'll be watching you'... But, that's just not the way *here*. We want to service your needs, and help you to respect our needs. And if your needs and our needs don't mesh... He puts the poorly repaired sheet back into her file and slaps it shut. She gives him a thin, nervous smile. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes out of Mr. Flutie's office. She opens her bag and rummages through it as she walks into the hall right in front of a girl and a boy. The girl bumps into her, making her lose her grip on the bag and spill its contents. Buffy: Oh! Sorry! Girl: That's okay. Buffy: (looks down at the mess) Oh... Xander hears the noise, looks back, quickly comes over and squats down next to her to help her gather her things. Xander: Can I have you? She gives him a confused look. Xander: Duh... (chuckles) Can I help you? Buffy: (smiles) Thanks. Xander: I don't know you, do I? Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new. Xander: Xander. Is, is me. Hi. (smiles) Buffy: Um, thanks. They finish gathering up everything. Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there. Buffy: Great! (they stand up) It was nice to meet you. She starts down the hall. Xander: (unimpressed with himself) We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. He notices a stake still on the floor. Xander: Oh, hey! (picks it up) Hey, you forgot your... stake! Buffy doesn't hear him and continues down the hall. Xander holds on to the stake. Cut to a classroom. The teacher writes 'The Black Death' on the board and then turns to the class. Teacher: It's estimated that about 25 million people died in that one four-year span. But the fun part of the Black Plague is that it originated in Europe how? Cordelia is taking notes. So is Buffy, seated next to her. Teacher: As an early form of germ warfare. If you'll look at the map on page 63 you can trace the spread of the disease into Rome, and then north... Buffy doesn't have a book and looks around for help. Cordelia notices and shares her book. Buffy: (to Cordelia) Thanks. Teacher: And this popular plague led to what social changes? Steve? The bell rings and the students get up to leave. Cordelia: Hi! I'm Cordelia. (offers her hand) Buffy: (accepts it) I'm Buffy. Cordelia: If you're looking for a textbook of your very own there's probably a few in the library. Buffy: Oh, great, thanks. (they get up) Where would that be? Cordelia: I'll show you, come on. (they start out of the classroom) So you're from Hemery, right? In L.A.? Buffy: Uh, yeah. Cordelia: Oh, I would *kill* to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes? Buffy has to laugh as they go into the hall. Cut to the two of them walking down another part of the hall. Cordelia: Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish. Buffy: Um, over? Cordelia: So over. James Spader. Buffy: He needs to call me! Cordelia: Frappaccinos. Buffy: Trendy, but tasty. Cordelia: John Tesh. Buffy: The Devil. Cordelia: That was pretty much a gimme, but... you passed! Buffy: Oh, goody! They turn toward a drinking fountain. Willow is there. She straightens up and sees them coming. Cordelia: Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears. Willow: Uh, oh, well, my mom picked it out. Cordelia: No wonder you're such a guy magnet. Are you done? Willow looks at the fountain, then back at Cordelia. Willow: Oh! She turns and leaves. Buffy watches her go for a moment, then looks back at Cordelia after she starts talking again. Cordelia: You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight (glances after Willow) they're a lot easier to avoid. Buffy lets out a nervous laugh and nods. She looks at Willow again, who has gone through the door at the end of the hall. Willow looks back at them before she continues. Cut to another area in the halls. The two of them continue their walk to the library. Cordelia: And if you're not too swamped with catching up you should come by the Bronze tonight. Buffy: The who? Cordelia: The Bronze. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town. Buffy: Where's that? (stops outside the library doors) Cordelia: About a half a block from the good part of town. (laughing) We don't have a whole lot of town here. But, um, you should show! Buffy: Well, I'll try. (looks toward the library) Uh, thanks. Cordelia: Good. So, um, I'll see you in gym, and you can tell me absolutely everything there is to know about you. (waves and goes) Buffy: (waves back) Great! (to herself) Oh, that sounds like fun. She goes into the library. Cut to inside. She comes in and looks around. It looks deserted. Buffy: Hello? (continues in) Is anybody here? She looks on the counter and sees a newspaper with a picture that's been circled. The caption above the picture reads 'Local Boys Still Missing'. Giles comes up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. She spins around, startled. Buffy: Ooo! (exhales) Anybody's here! Giles: Can I help you? Buffy: I was looking for some, well, books. I'm new. Giles: Miss Summers? Buffy: Good call! Guess I'm the only new kid, huh? Giles: I'm Mr. Giles. The librarian. I was told you were coming. He heads around behind the counter. Buffy: Great! So, um, I'm gonna need 'Perspectives on 20th Century...' Giles: (interrupting) I know what you're after! With a big grin on his face he pulls out a large old book with the word 'VAMPYR' written in gold leaf on the front cover. Buffy looks up at him with an uneasy gaze. Buffy: That's not what I'm looking for. Giles: Are you sure? Buffy: I'm way sure. Giles: (confused) My mistake. He puts the book back behind the counter. Buffy quickly leaves. Giles: (straightening back up) So, what is it you said... He sees her go out of the library. Their first encounter leaves him puzzled. Cut to the girls' locker room. Two girls are discussing Buffy. Aphrodisia: The new kid? She seems kind of weird to me. What kind of name is Buffy? Girl: Hey, Aphrodisia! Aphrodisia: Oh, Hey! Aura: Well, the chatter in the caf is that she got kicked out, and that's why her mom had to get a new job. The girls work the combinations to their gym lockers. Aphrodisia: Neg! Aura: Pos! She was starting fights! Aphrodisia: Neg-ly! Aura: (opening her locker) Well I heard from Blue, and she said that... The dead boy falls out of the locker onto Aura's arm. She screams and lets the body fall. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside at school. Willow is sitting on a bench in front of a wall taking out her lunch. Buffy approaches her. Buffy: Uh, Hi! Willow, right? Willow: (looks up) Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move? Buffy: Why don't we start with 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor. (sits next to her) It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while. Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia? Buffy: I can't do both? Willow: Not legally. Buffy: (exhales) Look, I really wanna get by here, new school, and... Cordelia's been really nice... to me... anyway, but, um, I kinda have this burning desire not to flunk all my classes, and I heard a rumor that you were the person to talk to if I wanted to get caught up. Willow: Oh, I could totally help you out! Uh, if you have sixth period free we could meet in the library? Buffy: Or not. Or we could meet someplace quieter. Louder. Uh, that place just kinda gives me the wiggins. Willow: Oh, it has that effect on most kids. I love it, though, it's a great collection, and the new librarian is really cool. Buffy: He's new? Willow: Yeah, he just started. He was a curator at some British museum, or, or The British Museum, I'm not sure. But he knows everything, and he brought all these historical volumes and biographies and am I the single dullest person alive? Buffy: Not at all. Xander hops up on the wall behind the girls and sits on it between them. Jesse stands in front of them and drops his bag. Jesse: Hey! Xander: You guys busy? Are we interrupting? We're interrupting. He tosses his bag to Jesse. Buffy: Hey! Willow: Hey! Jesse: Hey there! He drops Xander's bag next to his own. Willow: Buffy, this is Jesse and that's Xander. Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go waaay back, old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times, I'm quite moved. Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot? Xander: No, it's, uh, it's not you. Buffy: Well, it's nice to meet you guys, I think. Xander jumps down to retrieve the stake from his bag. Jesse: Well, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home, unless you have a scary home... Xander: And to return this. (holds up the stake) The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence. (hands it to her) Buffy: (takes it) Hah, no, um, a-a-actually it was for self-defense. Everyone has them in L.A. Pepper spray is just so passe'. Xander: So what do you do for fun, what do you like, what do you look for in a man, let's hear it. Jesse: If you have any dark, painful secrets you'd like us to publish? Buffy: Gee, everyone wants to know about me. How keen. Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one Starbucks town like Sunnydale. You're pretty big news. Buffy: I'm not. Really. Cordelia: (interrupting) Are these guys bothering you? Buffy: Uh, no! Willow: She's not hanging out with us. Jesse: (stands next to her) Hey! Cordelia! Cordelia: (to Jesse) Oh, please! (to Buffy) I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was canceled due to the *extreme* dead guy in the locker. Buffy: What? Willow: What are you talking about? Cordelia: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker! Buffy: Dead. Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead. Xander: It's not just a little dead then? Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be? Jesse: Y'know, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just to nibble on... Buffy: How did he die? Cordelia: I don't know. Buffy: Well, were there any marks? Cordelia: Morbid much! I didn't ask! Buffy: (looks at everyone) Um, I gotta book. I'll, I'll see you guys later. She grabs her things and leaves. Cordelia stares after her. Cordelia: What's her deal? Cut to outside the gym. Buffy sneaks up to an outside entrance. It's locked. She uses her strength to break the door and goes in, looking around to make sure no one sees her. Cut to the locker room. Buffy finds the body and pulls back the sheet. She sees the vampire bite. Buffy: Oh, great! Cut to the library. Buffy barges in. Buffy: Okay, what's the sitch? Giles: (in the stacks) Sorry? Buffy: You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker? Giles: (steps into the light) Yes. She drops her bag on the table and heads up the stairs. Buffy: 'Cause, it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood's been drained. (meets him) Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, ooo? Giles: I was afraid of this. Buffy: Well, I wasn't! It's my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care. Giles: Then why are you here? Buffy: To tell you that... I don't care, which... I don't, and... have now told you, so... bye. (turns away to go) Giles: Is he, w-will he... rise again? Buffy: (turns back) Who? Giles: The boy. Buffy: No. He's just dead. Giles: Can you be sure? Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you? Buffy turns and goes down the stairs. Giles moves over to the railing. Giles: You really have no idea what's going on, do you? You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning. Buffy: Oh, why can't you people just leave me alone? Giles: Because you are the Slayer. (comes down the stairs) Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires... Buffy: (interrupts and joins in) ...with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah... I've heard it, okay? Giles: I really don't understand this attitude. You, you've accepted your duty, you, you've slain vampires before... Buffy: Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on. Giles: What do you know about this town? (goes into his office) Buffy: It's two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus? Giles: Dig a bit in the history of this place. You'll find a, a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, (comes back with four books) that things gravitate towards it that, that, that you might not find elsewhere. (sets them on the table) Buffy: Like vampires. He puts the volumes into Buffy's arms one by one as he lists off various monsters and demons. Giles: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real! Buffy: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series? Giles: Ah, w-w-w-yes. Buffy: Did you get the free phone? Giles: Um, the calendar. Buffy: Cool! But, okay, (gives back the books) first of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know! Why don't you kill 'em? Giles: I-I'm a Watcher, I-I haven't the skill... Buffy: Oh, come on, stake through the heart, a little sunlight... It's like falling off a log. Giles: A, a Slayer slays, a Watcher... Buffy: ...watches? Giles: Yes. No! (sets down the books) He, he trains her, he, he, he prepares her... Buffy: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me. They just look at each other for a moment. Buffy exhales, turns and leaves the library in disgust. Giles hesitates for an instant. Giles: (to himself) Damn! He runs after Buffy. Xander walks out from behind the stacks. Xander: What? Cut to the hall. Giles catches up with Buffy. Giles: It's getting worse! Buffy: What's getting worse? He guides her over to the wall and speaks with her in a low voice. Giles: The influx of the undead, the... supernatural occurrences, it's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now! Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here. She tries to evade him, but he puts his arm out to stop her. Giles: Something's coming, something, something... something is, is gonna happen here. Soon! Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me? Giles: The signs, as far as I can tell, point to a crucial mystical upheaval, very soon. Days. Possibly less. Buffy: Oh, come on! This is Sunnydale! How bad an evil can there be here? Cut to outside the school. The camera descends behind some bushes and sinks through the ground into the lair of the Master. There are candles everywhere. Vampires bearing torches are gathering. The camera moves around the lair as Luke speaks and eventually comes to rest on him. Luke: The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake, and the world will bleed. Amen! [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She's considering what to wear to the Bronze. She holds a shiny black outfit up to the mirror. Buffy: Hi! I'm an enormous slut! (holds up a blue floral dress) Hello! Would you like a copy of 'The Watchtower'? (lowers the dress) I used to be so good at this. Her mother comes into the room. Joyce: Hi, hon. Buffy returns her dresses to the closet. Buffy: Hey! Joyce: Are you, uh, going out tonight? Buffy: Yeah, I'm going to a club. Joyce: Oh. Will there be boys there? Buffy: No, Mom. It's a nun club. Joyce: Well, just be careful. Buffy: I will. Joyce: You know, I think we can make it work here. I've got my positive energy flowing... I'm gonna get the Gallery on its feet... Oh, uh, we may have found a space today. Buffy: That's great. Joyce: Oh, and that school is a, a very nurturing environment, which is just what you need. Buffy: Well, actually... Joyce: Oh, not too nurturing. I know, you're sixteen, I've read all about the dangers of over-nurturing. Buffy goes to her bed and lays out a couple of outfits. Joyce: It's hard. New town and everything... It is for me, too. I'm trying to make it work. (takes her daughter's hands in hers) I'm going to make it work. Buffy: I know. Joyce: Oh, you're a good girl, Buffy, (pats her on the head) you just fell in with the wrong crowd. But that is all behind us now. Buffy: It is. From now on I am only going to hang out with the living. (they let go of their hands, and she picks up her dresses) I mean, lively. People. Buffy heads back to her closet with an awkward look on her face. Joyce: Hmm. Okay. You have fun. Cut outside later that evening. Buffy is walking down a dark street, when someone appears behind her. She senses that she is being followed. After walking for a ways, when she gets a chance she ducks down an alley and looks around for a place to hide. A cat yowls and kicks some cans as it runs away. She spies something above her. Angel comes into the alley but doesn't see her. As he slowly walks along, the camera pulls up to reveal Buffy in a handstand on a bar high above the pavement. When Angel has passed underneath her, she swings down and kicks him in the back. He is knocked to the ground, and Buffy positions herself above him with a foot on his chest. Angel: Ah, heh. Is there a problem, ma'am? Buffy: Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me? Angel: I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite. She backs off and lets him get up, but keeps her fighting stance. Angel: Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, or bigger muscles and all that. You're pretty spry, though. (massages his neck) Buffy: What do you want? Angel: The same thing you do. Buffy: (lets down her guard) Okay. What do I want? Angel: (steps toward her) To kill them. To kill them all. Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax. What I want is to be left alone! She starts a determined walk away. Angel: Do you really think that's an option anymore? You're standing at the Mouth of Hell. And it's about to open. She stops, turns to him and looks at him with a wide-eyed gaze. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small box. Angel: Don't turn your back on this. (tosses her the box) You've gotta be ready. Buffy: What for? Angel: For the Harvest. Buffy: Who are you? Angel: Let's just say... I'm a friend. (starts to leave) Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend. Angel: (turns back) I didn't say I was yours. He leaves. Buffy stares after him for a moment, then opens the box. It contains a silver cross and chain. She takes it out, holds it in her hand and takes another glance in his direction. Cut to outside the Bronze. People are arriving and meeting. Buffy is wearing the cross around her neck. She walks up to the entrance, gives the doorman some cash and goes in. Sprung Monkey is playing "Believe" loudly, and the dance floor is crowded with people. Lyrics: Oh, I just want to believe / Can you hear me? / Can you see me? / What's inside of me? / Oh, I just want to believe / If my life can have a purpose / Help me to believe / Oh, I just want to believe / Can you hear me? / Can you see me? / What's inside of me? / Oh, I just want to believe / If my life can have a purpose / Help me to believe Buffy moves to the music a bit. She sees a guy waving in her direction and waves back, then notices someone behind her waving back and pulls her hand down, embarrassed. Lyrics: Everybody wants to find the circle / The line of truth that has no end / Because so many nights I've slept with the feeling of empty / And I say, right now I'm ready to believe She finds the bar and sees Willow sitting there. Buffy: Hey! Willow: Oh, hi! Buffy walks around her and sits on the stool next to her. Willow turns to face her. Willow: Hi! Buffy: Oh, you're here with someone? Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up. Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out? Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up. Buffy: How come? Willow: He stole my Barbie. (Buffy looks confused) Oh, we were five. Buffy: Oh. Willow: I-I-I don't actually date a whole lot... lately. Buffy: Why not? Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. Buffy: It's not *that* bad! Willow: No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk. Buffy: You really *haven't* been dating lately. Willow: It's probably easy for you. Buffy: Yeah, real easy. Willow: I-I mean you don't seem too shy. Buffy: Well, my philosophy, do you wanna hear my philosophy? Willow: Yeah, I do! Buffy: Life is short. Willow: Life is short! Buffy: Not original, I'll grant you, but it's true. You know? Why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy, and if he's gonna laugh at you. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead. Willow: Oh, that's nice! Buffy looks up and sees Giles on the upper level. Buffy: Um, I'll be back in a minute. (gets up to go) Willow: Oh, tha-that's okay, you don't have to come back. Buffy: (smiles) I'll be back in a minute. Willow: (to herself) Seize the moment. Cut to Buffy, making her way to the stairs. The camera follows her up. Lyrics: I feel love with my friends / I feel love in my songs / If I could just hold love / Then all the answers might come / I said, oh, if we're all children of God / And we just turned away / I got a lack of belief / I said a world without faith / It's time we turn back around Buffy: (finds Giles) So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kinda skanky? Giles: Oh, right, this is me having fun. Watching... clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be at home with a cup of Bovril and a good book. Buffy: You need a personality, stat! Giles: (points to the crowd below) This is a perfect breeding ground for vampire activity. It's dark, it's crowded... Besides, I knew you were likely to show up, and I have to make you understand... Buffy: ...that the Harvest is coming. I know, your friend told me. Giles: What did you say? Buffy: The Harvest. That mean something to you? 'Cause I'm drawing a blank. Giles: I'm not sure. Uh... W-who told you this? Buffy: This... guy. Dark, gorgeous in an annoying sort of way. I figured you two were buds. Giles: No. The Harvest. Did he say anything else? Buffy: Something about the Mouth of Hell. I *really* didn't like him! The band has finished its song and there's lots of applause. They soon start their next song, "Swirl". Giles moves around Buffy, leans on the railing and looks down at the crowd. Giles: Look at them, throwing themselves about, completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them. Buffy: Lucky them. Giles: Or perhaps you're right. Perhaps there is no trouble coming, the signs could be wrong. It's not as though you've been having the nightmares. Buffy is silent. Cut to below. Cordelia: My mom doesn't even *get* out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, *nobody* cool has Epstein- Barr anymore. Jesse spots Cordelia and comes over. Jesse: Hey, Cordelia! Cordelia: Oh, yay, it's my stalker. (makes a face) Jesse: Hey, you, uh, you look great! Cordelia: Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. Jesse: (coughs) Listen, uh, you know, you wanna dance, you know? Cordelia: With you? Jesse: Well, uh, yeah. Cordelia: Well, uh, no! C'mon, guys. She and her friends leave. Jesse is left in the dust. Jesse: Fine! Plenty of other fish in the sea. Oh, yeah, I'm... on the prowl. Witness me prowling! Cut to Buffy and Giles on the upper level. Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it. You know, if I see one, sure I'll... Giles: (interrupting) Will you be ready? There's so much you don't know about them, about your own powers. A vampire appears to be completely normal until the feed is upon them, only then do they reveal their true demonic visage. Buffy: You're like a textbook with arms, I know this. Giles: The point is, a Slayer should be able to see them anyway. Without looking, without thinking. Can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building? Buffy: Maybe... Giles: You should know. Even through this mass and this... din, you should be able to sense them. Well, try! Reach out with your mind. (Buffy looks around) You have to hone your senses, focus until the energy washes over you, until you, you feel every particle o-of... Buffy: There's one. Giles: W-where? Buffy: Right there, talking to that girl. Giles: You don't know... Buffy: Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up, and the shirt! Deal with that outfit for a moment. Giles: It's dated? Buffy: It's carbon dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think that was still the look. Giles: But you didn't... hone. Buffy: (notices that the girl is Willow) Oh, no. Giles: Isn't that... Buffy: Willow. Giles: What's she doing? Buffy: Seizing the moment! She starts down to rescue Willow. Lyrics: We're formed in liquid / Pushed out still dripping / A world was thrown before my eyes Cut to below. Willow is being led out of the Bronze by the vampire. Cut to Giles. He's at a loss for what to do. Lyrics: Now paint a picture / Crayon stick figures / With blue-haired people, purple skies Cut to below. Buffy has lost them. She tries the back. She breaks a leg off of a stack of chairs and begins to stalk. After a while Cordelia comes out of the restroom and surprises her. Buffy reacts, taking Cordelia by the throat and pushing her up against a wall. Buffy: (recognizing) Cordelia! (she lets go) Cordelia: God! What is your childhood trauma?! Her entourage appears in the restroom door behind her. Buffy: Have you guys seen Willow? Did she come by here? Cordelia: Why? Do you need to attack her with the stick? Jeez! Buffy turns and goes. Cordelia: (to her groupies) Excuse me, I have to call *everyone* I have *ever* met, right now. Cut to the main floor. Giles catches up with Buffy. Giles: That *was* quick. Well done! I-I need to go to the library. This Harvest thing... Buffy: I didn't find them! He grabs Buffy by the arm and turns her to face him. Giles: The vampire is not dead? Buffy: No, but my social life is on the critical list. Giles: (lets go of her) So, what do we do? Buffy: I'll take care of it! Giles: I-I-I need to come with you, yes? Buffy: Don't worry. One vampire I can handle. She leaves, walking past Jesse talking to Darla. Jesse: So, um, what did you say your name was? Darla: Darla. Jesse: Darla. You know, I haven't seen you around before. Are you from around here? Darla: No, but I have family here. Jesse: Have I met them? Darla: You probably will. Cut to the Master's lair. The Master rises out of the pool of blood as Luke kneels and looks on. He steps out of the pool over to Luke and offers his hand. Luke takes it. Luke: Master! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the Master's lair. Master: I am weak. Luke: (quotes scripture) 'In the Harvest he will be restored.' Master: The Harvest. Luke: We're almost there. Soon you'll be free! The Master tests his confines. They are still as strong as ever. Master: I must be ready. I need my strength. Luke: I've sent your servants to bring you some food. Master: Good. Luke? Luke: Yes? Master: Bring me something... young. Cut to the sidewalk next to the cemetery. Willow and Thomas are walking. Willow: Sure is dark. Thomas: It's night. Willow: Well, that's a dark time, night. Traditionally. I still can't believe I've never seen you at school. Do you have Mr. Chomsky for history? Thomas ignores her babbling and heads into the cemetery. Willow: Uh, the ice cream bar is this way. It's past Hamilton Street? Thomas: I know a shortcut. He grabs her hand and leads her into the cemetery. Cut to outside the Bronze. Buffy is trying to find Willow. Xander: Hey, you're leaving already? Buffy: Oh, Xander! Have you seen Willow? Xander: Not tonight, no. Buffy: She left with a guy. Xander: We're talking about Willow, right? Scorin' at the Bronze, work it girl... Buffy: No, I need to find her. Where would he take her? Xander: Why? Oh, hey, I hope he's not a vampire, because then you might have to slay him. Buffy: (taken aback) Was there a... a school bulletin? Was it i-in the newspaper? Is there anyone in this town who doesn't know I'm the Slayer? Xander: No. I only know that you *think* that you're the Slayer, and the reason why I know that... Buffy: Well, whatever, it doesn't matter, just tell me, where would Willow go? Xander: You're serious! Buffy: We don't find her and there's gonna be one more dead body in the morning! Cut to the cemetery. Willow and Thomas are walking. Willow: Oh, okay, th-this is nice... and scary. Are you sure this is faster? They reach the mausoleum. Thomas: Hey! Ever been in one of these? Willow: No. Thank you. (turns away) Thomas: Come on. (comes up behind her and pulls her hair back) What are you afraid of? He moves in toward her neck. She lets out a yelp as he grabs her and pushes her into the mausoleum. Cut to inside the mausoleum. Willow trips down the stairs and stops up against the stone coffin. She turns around. Willow: That wasn't funny! Thomas comes down the steps. She backs away from him, against a wall. She trips over some stones. Willow: I think I'm gonna go. Thomas: Is that what you think? He comes toward her again. She skirts by him, but only because he lets her. Darla blocks her way out of the mausoleum. Darla: Is this the best you could do? Thomas: She's fresh! Darla: Hardly enough to share. Thomas: Why didn't you bring your own? Darla: (gives him a look) I did. Jesse stumbles into the mausoleum, holding his neck. Jesse: Hey! Wait up! Willow: Oh, my God, Jesse! He is weak from blood loss and collapses. Willow tries to catch him and breaks his fall. Jesse: Y'know, you gave me a hickey. Thomas gives Darla a look. Darla: (shrugs) I got hungry on the way. Willow: Jesse, let's get outta here! Darla: Oh, you're not going anywhere. Willow: Leave us alone! Darla: You're not going anywhere until we've (vamps out) *fed*! Willow screams and falls back down next to Jesse. Buffy and Xander show up. Buffy: Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home! Buffy moves behind the coffin to draw the vampires away from the others. Darla: Who the hell are you? Buffy: You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief, I'm telling you! Having a secret identity in this town is a job of work. Xander: Buffy, we bail now, right? Thomas: Not yet! Buffy: Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge! The vampires close in on her. She turns to Darla. Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way. Darla: That's fine with me! Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this in not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content... Thomas roars behind Buffy. She pulls the chair leg out from inside her shirt. He attacks from behind, but Buffy neatly jams the makeshift stake into his chest. He falls back and turns to ashes. Darla can't believe her eyes. Neither can anyone else. Buffy: See what happens when you roughhouse? Darla: He was young and stupid! Buffy: Xander, go! Darla: Don't go far! Buffy and Darla start to fight. Darla punches high, but Buffy blocks. Xander helps Willow pick up Jesse. Darla throws a backhand punch, but Buffy blocks again and follows up with a front snap kick to Darla's stomach. As she leans forward from the pain, Buffy slams her elbow into Darla's back. Cut to outside. Xander and Willow help Jesse out and they start to run. Cut to the mausoleum. Darla hits the wall and falls to the floor, winded. Buffy: You know, I just wanted to start over. Be like everybody else. Have some friends, y'know, maybe a dog... But, no, you had to come here, you couldn't go suck on some other town. Darla: Who are you? Buffy: Don't you know? Luke grabs her by the neck from behind. Luke: I don't care! He throws her across the room. He grabs Darla and lifts her to her feet. Luke: You were supposed to be bringing an offering for the Master! We're almost at Harvest, and you dally with this child! Darla: We had someone, but then she came. She killed Thomas. Luke, she's strong. Luke: You go. I'll see if I can handle the little girl. He approaches Buffy as she starts to get up, still a little dazed. Darla quickly climbs the steps, looks back once and runs out of the door. Luke attacks Buffy with a double punch, but she blocks it and delivers a punch to his gut and a hopping front snap kick to his jaw. He steps back, but isn't fazed. Luke: You're strong. He lands a solid backhand fist on her. She goes flying. Luke: I'm stronger! Cut to outside in the cemetery. Xander and Willow are supporting Jesse as they run. Willow: We'll get the police, it's just a few blocks up! They are stopped by a group of vampires. Cut to the mausoleum. Luke: You're wasting my time. She backs away up the stairs toward the exit. Buffy: Hey, I had other plans, too, okay? Luke shoves the heavy lid off of the coffin. Buffy does a cartwheel onto and over it to avoid it and kicks Luke in the chest with both feet, knocking him down. She grabs the stake from the floor and lunges at Luke, but he is too quick for her, and grabs her by the wrist. Luke: You think you can stop me? Stop us? He grabs the stake with his other hand and breaks it. Then he grabs her by the shirt. Luke: You have no idea what you're dealing with. He throws Buffy onto the rim of the now open coffin. She rolls off onto the floor, dazed. Luke gets up and starts toward her, quoting scripture. Luke: 'And like a plague of boils, the race of man covered the Earth.' Cut to the library. Giles is paging through an old volume and stops on a picture of Satan with lightning coming from his hand to a man's. Luke: 'But on the third day of the newest light would come the Harvest. And the blood of men will flow as wine.' Cut to the Master sitting in an intricately carved chair. Luke: 'When the Master will walk among them once more!' Cut to Xander, Willow and Jesse surrounded by vampires, including Darla. Luke: 'The Earth will belong to the old ones.' Cut to Buffy. Luke is in her face. Luke: 'And Hell itself will come to town.' He grabs Buffy and growls. He lifts her by the throat and throws her toward the coffin. Buffy does a front layout and lands in the coffin next to a skeleton, and lets out a quick scream, but then remains silent, only breathing. She can't see or hear Luke. She slowly starts to get up. Suddenly Luke jumps up and into the coffin. Luke: (smiling widely) Amen! He moves in to bite Buffy. To Be Continued...

Plan: A: Buffy Summers; Q: Who is the main character of the show? A: Sunnydale; Q: Where does Buffy arrive? A: Rupert Giles; Q: Who is Buffy's new Watcher? A: her destiny; Q: What does Buffy resist? A: Willow; Q: Who does Buffy save from an ordinary vampire? A: Jesse; Q: Who does Buffy lose track of? A: Luke; Q: Who is the Master's vampire vessel? Summary: Buffy Summers arrives in Sunnydale and is not happy to meet her new Watcher , Rupert Giles . A mysterious "friend" offers guidance, but Buffy resists her destiny until Willow and Jesse are abducted. Buffy saves Willow from an ordinary vampire, but loses track of Jesse in a confrontation with Luke , the Master's vampire vessel.

INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Piz and Veronica are sitting on her bed, each reading. Veronica's leg is resting over Piz's right foot and her foot against his left knee. They elbow each other playfully without looking up from their books. Piz is reading Soldier of Misfortune by Apollo Bukenya. The cover shows an African child soldier. Piz looks up as Keith marches into the bedroom, pointing at Veronica. KEITH: What does the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act make illegal? Veronica responds promptly and without looking up from her book. VERONICA: Electronic surveillance without judicial authorization. Keith flips his pointing hand into a "You got it" gun and marches out again. Piz is bemused. PIZ: What was that? VERONICA: I'm taking my P.I. exam tomorrow. He's ensuring his legacy. PIZ: He's nervous for you. That's sweet. VERONICA: He should be nervous for himself. I'm gonna beat his score. Then I'm gonna dine on that shared knowledge for a lifetime. Keith marches back in, pointing at Veronica again. KEITH: A passive infrared detector would not be the best choice under which of the following conditions: A., overhead doors, B., significant changes in temperature, C.- VERONICA: B. Why don't you bug Piz for a while? Keith takes a step further into the room. KEITH: So, Piz, what are you studying? Keith reaches out for Piz's book to bring it closer without taking it from Piz's hand. KEITH: Apollo... PIZ: Bukenya. Yeah, he actually goes to Hearst, and he wrote this, uh, memoir, I guess you'd call it. KEITH: What could a college kid possibly have to put in a memoir? Surviving Spring Break on ten bucks a day? Keith laughs at his own joke. PIZ: He was a child soldier in Uganda. Keith's laughter is strangled in his throat. PIZ: He never knew his father. The rebel army killed his mother; put a gun in his hand when he was six years old. KEITH: Oh. Veronica shakes her head sadly at Keith for his faux pas. PIZ: Somehow he managed to escape as a teenager and get to the States. I'm interviewing him on my radio show tomorrow and I'm just prepping. VERONICA: The book's already been optioned as a movie, middle six figures. Plus, he's been booked on Oprah, but [proudly] Piz got him first. Piz holds up his palm for a hand slap but Veronica tickles it instead. Keith continues to stare down at them. VERONICA: What? KEITH: It's just so refreshing to hear one of your gentleman callers have more to talk about than how high the waves are breaking. Veronica glares at Keith but is spared having to respond by the ringing of Keith's cell phone. He pulls it out of his pocket and turns away to answer it. KEITH: Hello, hello? Piz whispers to Veronica. PIZ: Uh-oh. VERONICA: What? PIZ: Dad likes you? Kiss of death? Veronica gives a helpless shrug. Meanwhile Keith, standing at the door to Veronica's room, is not at all happy with what he is hearing. KEITH: What was the address? He listens in disbelief. KEITH: Two of them? INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Keith is addressing the gathered troops. Sacks is standing next to him, hugging a bundle of papers to his chest. KEITH: We've just had our seventh home burglary in the past thirteen days. Seventh. That's what the papers begin referring to as a crime wave. In six of the seven, the burglars have also stolen cars from the residences. All the burglaries occurred in our favourite zip code. As you know, the residents...are an impatient lot. Now, the one car we recovered had switched plates with a car in a supermarket parking lot. Jerry'll hand out printouts detailing the hot spots. Sacks steps forward and starts to distribute the printouts. KEITH: Stolen goods might start popping up soon. Kitsitz, Horowitz, drop in on the pawnshops and all known fences. Kitsitz, or Horowitz, nods as Keith closes the meeting. INT - EXAMINATION CENTRE - DAY. A clock used for examinations is on the desk at the top of a large room. There are less than ten minutes to go. One invigilator is sitting at a second desk next to it, whilst a second is wandering through the room. The examinees are all male, of various types, from besuited business types to guys who look like thugs, and long out of their teens. The exception is Veronica who ticks boxes on her paper confidently. INT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. A number of stalls are set up in two rows facing each other in the grounds of Hearst College, decorated variously with pictures, balloons, and other eye-enticing paraphernalia. Three other stalls are set behind one of the rows. Students hand out leaflets to others as they pass. Veronica wanders down the middle of the wide aisle created by the majority of the stalls. She takes one of the proffered leaflets. VERONICA: The job fair has everyone here in a feeding frenzy. She passes the stall for the charity, Invisible Children. VERONICA: Real jobs for overachieving seniors and volunteer work for everyone looking to fill a résumé. Me? The job I'm waiting on? I would have been better off buying a lottery ticket. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RADIO STATION - DAY. Apollo Bukenya is in the middle of his interview at the Hearst College radio station. APOLLO: Not long after I escaped, I was at an evac hospital... Veronica steps quietly into the room. APOLLO: ...and a very kind-hearted nurse was trying to comfort me, telling me that what I did was not my fault because I was just a child. Piz acknowledges her present with a two-fingered wave, followed by a finger to his lips. She smiles and stays by the door, glancing at Apollo and starting to listen to Apollo. APOLLO: What I have to live with today is the knowledge that, when my abductors coaxed, or rather, brainwashed me into an instrument of violence, I was left with not just the ability, but the appetite to kill. PIZ: My guest is Apollo Bukenya, a Hearst student who miraculously escaped the LRA in Uganda. Apollo, you dedicate Soldier of Misfortune to your adviser here at Hearst, Professor Lisa Tonin, who is here with us. Professor Tonin, sitting on the other side of Piz, nods. APOLLO: I owe her a great deal of gratitude. There would be no book without her. PIZ: I understand she knew you before you came to Hearst. APOLLO: She did. She actually read a short story I wrote when I was fifteen and called me. She's been my friend and mentor ever since. PIZ: Professor Tonin? TONIN: Well, of course, I'm flattered, but the truth is that Apollo has taught me much more than I have taught him. Apollo dismisses that humbly. APOLLO: Ahh. Cut to later. Veronica exits the recording booth into the main radio office, followed by Piz. VERONICA: You realize you're the radio-host version of a rock star, right? I don't know what the groupie procedure is for this scenario, but I might have to throw my panties at you. PIZ: Or I could autograph you. I believe we have some sharpies laying around. Veronica grins happily, putting her finger on her teeth girlishly. PIZ: So, I have news. I got offered an internship with, uh, Pitchfork Media. It's pretty much the most highly regarded music-review publication on the internet. VERONICA: Piz, that's fantastic! PIZ: Yeah, I'd work with the most important critics in the business, see bands when they're on the verge of breaking, might even get to do a few reviews myself, so I can really get my snob on. Their offices are in New York, which could be cool, right? VERONICA: Supercool, you lucky dog! Veronica hits him on the arm. PIZ: Twelve weeks in the Big Apple. VERONICA: Everything's coming up Piznarski. She laughs and hugs him. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Sacks sets down the phone at his desk before walking into Keith's office. SACKS: Sheriff? Keith looks up a little impatiently, looking frustrated. SACKS: Veronica's on the phone. KEITH: Thanks. Keith picks up the phone. VERONICA: [on phone] Ninety-five. KEITH: You passed. VERONICA: [on phone and excited] Yeah, I passed. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. Veronica is sitting in Keith's chair with her feet up on the desk. She is enjoying lording it over him. VERONICA: And I beat your score by two points. But don't worry, Dad. I'll still lob in... INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - CONTINUING. VERONICA: [on phone] ...the token call from time to time asking for advice, thereby validating your existence. KEITH: Honey? INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. VERONICA: Yeah? KEITH: [on phone] I made a ninety-seven. Veronica's smugness evaporates and her grin disappears. It returns as she clutches at straws. VERONICA: It's beneath you to lie to me in this, my finest hour. KEITH: [on phone] Are you at your desk? VERONICA: No. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - CONTINUING. KEITH: Are you at my desk? INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. Veronica takes a moment to admit to this. VERONICA: Yes. KEITH: [on phone] Then this will be easy. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - CONTINUING. KEITH: Pull out my middle drawer. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. KEITH: [on phone] I had a feeling this moment would come. Veronica sits up and opens the middle drawer of the desk. There is a completed State of California Private Investigation Certification Test. Keith's name is on the bottom right hand side. On the bottom left hand side, in a box for office use only, is the number 97 in thick red ink. KEITH: [on phone] You see it there? VERONICA: [reluctantly] Yep. KEITH: [on phone] Sweetie, maybe you should go sit back down... INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - CONTINUING. KEITH: ...at the receptionist's desk. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. Veronica is saved from further humiliation by the sound of a bell as another call comes in on the office phone. VERONICA: Got to go. Duty calls. Veronica cuts off the call with Keith and presses for the other call. VERONICA: Mars Investigations. Detective Mars speaking. KIZZA: [on phone] Yes, I believe I have discovered a son I never knew I had. Veronica reaches for a small notepad. VERONICA: Okay, and you'd like us to track this boy down? KIZZA: [on phone] No, I know where he is. I want proof he's, in fact, my son. His name is Apollo. Apollo Bukenya. Opening credits. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - NIGHT. A couple of random students walk past the main building. WALLACE: [offscreen] There was no struggle... INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Wallace, lying on his stomach on his bed, his head at the foot end, is reading aloud from Apollo's book. WALLACE: ...no protest, no crying. She just told me to go with the soldiers. I can't imagine how afraid for me she must have been. Veronica is sitting at his desk chair, her feet on his bed near his head. WALLACE: I never saw my mother again. Wallace closes the book, deeply moved by what he has read. VERONICA: So imagine what it'll mean if I can reunite him with the father he's never met. Wallace looks sceptical. VERONICA: What? WALLACE: It's like the NBA. Fatherless boy makes good, the dough starts rolling in, and here comes long-lost daddy expecting a payday. VERONICA: It's not the same thing. WALLACE: The world is upside down. Veronica Mars wants to believe in miracles, and I'm the cynical one. VERONICA: It's not like he can lie about it. There will be a paternity test. WALLACE: So what are you gonna do? Steal a DNA sample from Apollo? VERONICA: Kizza doesn't want me to steal anything. He doesn't even want Apollo told about the possibility until he's more certain they're father and son. WALLACE: So how are you supposed to prove it? VERONICA: He emailed me a PDF of a letter he has from a woman he claims is Apollo's mother. So if I can get a look at anything Apollo might have with his mom's handwriting- WALLACE: Maybe you can make miracles happen. Wallace sits up, grabbing a basketball. WALLACE: So, how does it feel to be a professional detective? VERONICA: Great. Know how much I'm making on my first professional case? Veronica rises and goes to collect her bag. VERONICA: Nada. Guess he's scraped just enough together for a cheap plane ticket if the news is good. He had to email me the letter from a Kinko's. I have to wait on his daily calls from the pay phone in his New York boarding house. WALLACE: Yeah, that's not a guy looking for a payday. Veronica dismisses the pessimism with a smile and glances back at Piz's part of the room. VERONICA: Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes, getting to second base with someone, then left unsatisfied. Wallace picks up the book again. WALLACE: He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart. Veronica, oblivious as to the problem, gives him a quizzical tilt of the head. She then dismisses that concern too and heads for the door. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. A man sits sullenly in one of the interrogation rooms. KEITH: Tommy, I'm curious. How is it that you found yourself in possession of jewellery reported stolen from two separate homes? Keith is sitting on the other side of the table. A beefy deputy is standing behind him. KEITH: The owner of Brody's Pawn said you were quite anxious to unload said merchandise. Tommy is about to speak when a voice booms. CLIFF: Don't answer that. Cliff is leaning against the wall near the corner of the room, on Tommy's side of the table. Keith glances up at him. Cliff shrugs. KEITH: Can you tell me where you were two nights ago between nine and eleven? CLIFF: Don't answer that. KEITH: I was so fond of you when I was a private detective. CLIFF: Then I hope you'll understand why you shouldn't expect my vote in the upcoming election? Keith sighs deeply. KEITH: The break-ins were professional jobs, top-flight security systems disabled. Tommy nods smugly. KEITH: Try not to be offended, Tommy, when I suggest that perhaps you are not the leader of the crew. Cliff smirks. KEITH: You mind telling me who is? Feeling cocky, Tommy leans back, putting his hands on the back of his head and in doing so, the short sleeves of his t-shirt reveal a tattoo on the underside of his right arm. The tattoo is of a shamrock. TOMMY: Why don't you just put me back in my cell, let me know when the bail bondsman gets here? Keith stares at the tattoo. KEITH: Anxious to get back to the River Styx, Tommy? Tommy glances at his tattoo and realises his mistake. He puts his arms down slowly. Keith glances at Cliff. KEITH: Mr. Shaw here works with the Fitzpatricks. Cliff does an eyebrow shrug as Keith rises from his seat. KEITH: I got what I needed. Deputy, take our friend back to the cell he enjoys so much. Keith leaves the room. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica paces, waiting for a class to finish. The door opens and students come flooding out onto one of the college's many porticoes. Apollo exits, holding hands with a girl. Veronica spots him and calls out. VERONICA: Hi, Apollo? Apollo and his girlfriend turn to face Veronica. VERONICA: Um, I'm Veronica Mars. I'm a reporter for the Hearst Free Press. We met at your radio interview, and I'm hoping to do a story on you, too. Apollo looks fed up but his girlfriend hugs his arm gently. OLYMPIA: You wrote the book so people would know what's happening there. APOLLO: I know. He looks back at Veronica. APOLLO: Sure. I've got some time later today. Does that work for you? Veronica nods and smiles. VERONICA: Mm-hmm. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Logan is very uncomfortable having lunch with Parker and her parents. MR. LEE: My point is that white flour is essentially poison. You'll see. Couple weeks, you'll be home eating with us. You'll feel like a new person. PARKER: I don't know. I rely pretty heavily on my morning bagel. MR. LEE: Which is exactly why you need to be without it. Oh, and I was able to pull a few strings and get you that job in the mailroom I was telling you about. MRS. LEE: [sharply] Parker! Parker's eye jerk to her mother. MRS. LEE: Elbows! Parker slides her elbows off the table. MR. LEE: It's only for a few weeks but it's enough for you to make some spending money before we leave for your Aunt Louise's. PARKER: Thanks, Dad, but I was thinking of looking for a job, like, at a-a day-care or something. MR. LEE: So you can spend the summer with a cold and ruin everyone's vacation? I don't think so. So, Logan. Under the spotlight, Logan freezes. MR. LEE: What sort of career are you pursuing? Logan doesn't immediately respond. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, APOLLO AND HARRY'S DORM ROOM - DAY. As Veronica reaches the door to Apollo's and prepares to knock, an English guy exits the room. This is Harry, Apollo's roommate. HARRY: Oh, sorry. Were you about to- VERONICA: Yeah. He calls into the room. HARRY: Apollo, you've got a visitor. He goes on his way and Veronica steps into the room. VERONICA: Hi. Apollo is on the couch in the room, using the controls of a video game. APOLLO: Come in. Take a seat. Veronica shuts the door and takes a seat on the chair next to the couch. There's a Union Jack hanging on the wall on Harry's side of the room. Veronica looks at the television screen at what Apollo is playing. APOLLO: Oh! Apollo vents his anguish at the game. APOLLO: Please don't lead your story on how I like to play Grand Theft Auto. Make me sound less frivolous. Veronica chuckles. Cut to later as Veronica listens to Apollo's story. APOLLO: Sometimes we'd be sent on waves where the tactic was to overpower our enemies through sheer weight of numbers. We were divided into two units and given drugs to ready us to fight. Veronica makes a brief note but is soon so captivated by his story that she drops the pretence of doing so. APOLLO: I would make myself vomit up the drugs, then convince the two leaders I was going to be in the other's unit. Instead, I'd hide in the bush and blend in with the returning fighters. To stay alive, one had to think quickly. What's that Survivor slogan? "Outwit, outplay, outlast"? I was a survivor. Apollo notices that Veronica is hypnotised. APOLLO: Now, Veronica, did you have more questions? It takes Veronica a moment to collect herself. VERONICA: Um. Uh. She covers by consulting her notes. VERONICA: Let's talk about the days before your conscription. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - DAY. Parker collapses onto the couch happily. LOGAN: I really think they liked me. PARKER: Yeah, I don't really think you survived the Googling. She giggles. Logan bends down and lifts her as he sits down and settles her on his lap. PARKER: Is it wrong that I'd rather be trampled by horses than spend the summer with my parents? LOGAN: No, the horses are a much better option. He kisses her as she giggles again. Parker sighs. PARKER: What else am I gonna do? I didn't sign up for classes or request any summer housing. LOGAN: Hm, you could stay here. Parker is taken aback, although pleasantly so. PARKER: I'm sorry. I'm a little stunned. Logan smiles, a little confused. PARKER: That is so sweet. It's just...moving in, that's kind of a big step. LOGAN: Oh, I meant you could stay here. I'll be gone most of the summer, so you'd have the whole place to yourself. PARKER: Where are you going? LOGAN: Going to South America to surf with Dick. PARKER: For the whole summer? LOGAN: Yeah, you were going home to Denver. PARKER: Yeah, which is a two-hour flight from here. Parker, no longer jolly, slides off of Logan's lap. PARKER: I thought we'd see each other. LOGAN: Hey, I'm sorry. I've been planning this thing with Dick for a while. PARKER: I don't understand where we're at if you're not gonna see me for three months and that's cool with you. Logan shrugs. LOGAN: It's not cool with me. I just didn't think about it. You know, it's a surf trip, Parker. It has nothing to do with us. Parker's mileage clearly varies. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, APOLLO AND HARRY'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Veronica is still captivated by Apollo's story. APOLLO: The day I was kidnapped, my mother couldn't really put up a fight for me without risking others' lives. But later that night, she came to the camp to beg my captors to give me back to her. I wasn't there. This is just what my best friend, James, told me. Um, and when they saw that James knew my mother, they made him shoot her. Veronica is genuinely moved by the horror, her eyes wet with unshed tears. VERONICA: I'm so sorry. Apollo stares at her with his liquid brown but dry eyes. Veronica clears her throat. VERONICA: Do you have anything from her: pictures, personal items, mementos? APOLLO: The day I was captured, my mother sent me to the market. I carried the shopping list in my pocket for years. VERONICA: Do you still have it? Apollo gets up and walks over to his desk. He lifts his keyboard and takes a slip of paper, now laminated, from under it. He hands it to Veronica. Veronica examines it as Apollo sits back down. VERONICA: Do you mind if I move into better light? He nods and Veronica takes it to the window. She slips a copy of the PDF file from her papers and compares the writing. VERONICA VOICEOVER: A perfect match. INT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. There's another establishing shot of the college in the day time, so we're still in the same day. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Veronica's at her desk in the library. Parker is standing in front of the desk. PARKER: You're sure this doesn't bother you to talk about? VERONICA: Positive. PARKER: Logan's going surfing in South America for the whole summer. Veronica grimaces before reaching back to grab a book from behind her. She busies herself with it. PARKER: Never mentioned it. The whole summer. What is that? Is that how he is, or is that just how he is with me? VERONICA: It-it's kind of just...how he is. PARKER: Why is that not more comforting? Veronica finishes whatever she is doing on the book and places it back behind her. VERONICA: So, Mac's not around to talk about this stuff? PARKER: Mac's fallen into the black hole of new love. Parker smirks. PARKER: She only comes up for air. Veronica cocks her head. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAX'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Mac, wearing a shirt and short skirt, opens the door to Max's room to a pizza delivery guy. Max is on the bed, glasses off, yawning. PIZZA GUY: How you guys doing? MAC: I'm wearing a different shirt, just so you know. PIZZA GUY: Uh-huh. He smirks. Mac hands the guy his money. MAC: Keep it. He hands over the pizza and smirks at Max who gives him a gun click. He grins and leaves. Mac shuts the door and sighs. She sinks down onto the bed. MAC: I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. Max takes out a large piece of pizza. MAC: Getting lost in the sex-nap-eat-repeat loop. I'm in the p0rn version of Groundhog Day. MAX: Poundhog Day? They chuckle. MAC: When's the last time you went to class? MAX: Uh, February. MAC: Are you kidding? MAX: Business has been booming. My classes have kind of fallen by the wayside. MAC: So now begins the eleventh-hour cram session. MAX: No, no, no, no, no, I'm done. The countdown to my expulsion has begun. Frankly, it's liberating. He takes a bite of his pizza, ignoring the look of horror on Mac's face. MAX: Mmm. He does a "comme ci, comme ca" gesture with his hand regarding the pizza. Mac stares at him a moment longer, and then shakes her head. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Using a name on a post-it note, Veronica finds a book on one of the bookshelves and pulls it out. She bends down to the next shelf for another but pauses on seeing Logan on the other side. VERONICA: You were just waiting for me to start pulling out books? Veronica takes the book from the shelf. LOGAN: No, I'm just browsing. She grabs another. VERONICA: Boning up on your South American culture? Conversational Portuguese, perhaps? If you're gonna be that close to Rio- LOGAN: How do you know about my trip? VERONICA: Parker mentioned it. Veronica straightens and heads for the help desk. Logan, a book in hand, follows her. LOGAN: Did my fan club meet today? Thought you guys only met on Wednesdays. They each place their books on the help desk. VERONICA: Look, she was bummed you didn't tell her about the trip. LOGAN: And you took turns sticking pins in your Logan dolls? Veronica picks up Logan's book. VERONICA: No, I told her that's just how you are. Veronica walks off to go around the desk, leaving Logan unhappily contemplative. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Veronica is doing her own quiet contemplation as she eats. Piz heads for her table carrying two bottles of drink. He bangs them down on the table, startling her. PIZ: Crack her open. We're celebrating. I was offered another internship. Veronica reaches over for one of the drinks. VERONICA: People are just falling all over themselves to not pay you. PIZ: It's a good feeling. So, this one is at a radio station, KRAQ, right here in Neptune. Veronica nods. VERONICA: All right. PIZ: It's not glamorous as the Pitchfork gig, and it's Top 40, which makes my parts hurt, but it's radio. I don't know. I mean, Pitchfork is music I'm into. It's New York, which is-which is good. Veronica nods again. PIZ: And bad. He waits for her to agree about the bad and is briefly disappointed when she carries on oblivious. VERONICA: What do you want to end up doing, like, in the long run? He shrugs. PIZ: I want to be in radio. She reaches out to touch his hand. VERONICA: Then you should take whatever internship will get you there. He smiles and nods. Veronica's cell phone rings. She picks it up from the table and answers it. VERONICA: Hello? Piz watches her intently. VERONICA: Kizza, good news. Can you catch the red-eye? EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. As she walks under one of the porticos, Veronica uses her cell phone again. VERONICA: Hi, Apollo, it's Veronica. I've got something else I need to talk to you about. APOLLO: [on phone] Yeah, Veronica, glad you called. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - CONTINUING. Apollo is sitting at one of the library tables. APOLLO: I wanted to talk to you, too. Could you come meet me at the library? EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - CONTINUING. Veronica nods into the phone (!) and heads towards the library. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Liam Fitzpatrick saunters into Keith's office. LIAM: Sheriff Mars, as I live and breath. Keith, standing over by his printer, turns to face him. KEITH: Liam. Thanks for stopping by. Liam holds out his arms wide. LIAM: Well, the deputy you sent asked so politely. Keith points to the chair opposite his desk. KEITH: Please take a seat. Liam glances around and then heads for and takes the seat. LIAM: Good. Good. Keith sits down at his desk. Prominent on the desk is a large framed picture of Veronica, facing Keith. KEITH: I had one of your boys in here earlier, Tommy Shaw. He was trying to unload goods stolen from this string of burglaries. LIAM: How is Tommy doing these days? I don't think I've seen that boy since his mother's wake back in '05. KEITH: You're working on a third strike, Liam. You might consider quitting while you're ahead. LIAM: Keith, we both know my trip down here wouldn't have been voluntary if you had anything. KEITH: Nothing yet, but I'm gonna keep picking off your flunkies. Eventually, one of them is gonna trade me ten years for your name. And a word of caution: Don Lamb's no longer in charge here. LIAM: You speaking ill of the dead, Keith? Wow, 'cause, uh, from what I understand, this crime wave doesn't let up, you won't be in charge long either. Liam grunts a request for permission before picking up the picture and turning it to gaze at Veronica. Keith tenses. LIAM: 'Course, maybe these robberies will stop if I, uh... He puts the picture back on the desk. LIAM: ...find out what happened to Kendall Casablancas and my money. Keith jerks up from his chair and grabs the picture, placing it closer to him and out of Liam's reach. KEITH: Kendall's dead, and I suspect your brother buried her in a shallow grave in the desert. As for the money, it was never yours. Liam clucks, smiling. He gets up and slaps his thighs. He stares at Keith with a smirk. LIAM: Wouldn't bother unpacking. Keith watches him walk out. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Veronica heads confidently into the library area where she is meeting Apollo. Her steps falter. APOLLO: Veronica, glad you can make it. There is another person sitting with Apollo with his back to her. APOLLO: There's someone I want you to meet. The guy turns. It's someone she knows. She slowly comes to a halt. APOLLO: This is Wilson Behan, editor of The Free Press. He requested an interview. WILSON: Hey, Veronica. I don't remember assigning you to do a story on Apollo. Apollo gives her a challenging look. Veronica returns a tight, guilty grin before sighing. Wilson rises from the table. He walks to and faces Veronica. WILSON: Well, I'm gonna let you two sort this out. Wilson exits. Apollo stares at her expectantly. She creeps towards the table and takes the seat vacated by Wilson. VERONICA: All right, I wasn't assigned to you by the school paper. The truth is, I work as a private investigator, and I was hired by a man who believes he's your father. Apollo is puzzled. APOLLO: Who is he? VERONICA: His name is Kizza Oneko. He had this. Veronica retrieves Kizza's letter from her bag. VERONICA: It's a letter telling Kizza to take an opportunity to leave Uganda for America. She lays it on the table in front of him. He picks it up and stares at it. VERONICA: The war had separated them. Kizza says he left not knowing your mother was pregnant. Recognize the handwriting? Apollo refolds the letter. APOLLO: The grocery list I showed you, my hometown paper printed it. This Kizza person simply forged this. VERONICA: We'll prove his paternity one way or the other with a blood test. APOLLO: [firmly] No, we won't. Apollo puts his stuff in his bag, gets up and walks away without another word. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - NIGHT. Veronica and Mac are walking together across the campus. MAC: It's not the ethics of what Max is doing that bothers me. At least I can rationalise that away, 'cause I had it filed away in my head as a college lark, a unique way for a philosophy major to make some extra cash. And in its own way, it showed all these qualities I admire. He's dedicated, he's got a keen business sense... Veronica nods. MAC: And, let's face it, he's-he's good at what he does. VERONICA: Help people cheat. MAC: Yeah, that. But today, when he said he was flunking out of school and he didn't care, he was just gonna get an off-campus apartment next year and keep doing what he does, it was like looking into a crystal ball, and I didn't like what I saw. VERONICA: What did you see? MAC: Me falling completely in love with him, losing all reason, ending up hosting candle parties and selling family heirlooms on eBay. I have the potential to go down that road. Veronica shakes her head reassuringly. VERONICA: No, you don't. MAC: I do. Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days? VERONICA: Mmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents. MAC: So Pizneyland is the happiest place on earth? VERONICA: Happy enough. There's no roller coaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea. MAC: Hmm. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Veronica is on the phone at her desk - the reception desk. VERONICA: Hi, it's Veronica Mars. Um, I'm trying to track down Apollo. I've left several... INT - HEARST COLLEGE, APOLLO AND HARRY'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. She is talking to Apollo's roommate, Harry. VERONICA: [on phone] ...messages on his cell phone. HARRY: Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, he hasn't been around. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. VERONICA: Any idea where he might be? HARRY: [on phone] Olympia's, maybe? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, APOLLO AND HARRY'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. HARRY: Oh, you know who might know is, uh, Zeke Molinda. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. Veronica, who is using a novelty pen which is topped with a small stuffed animal - something of a cross between Garfield and Tigger, with a long, curling tail - writes down the name. HARRY: [on phone] He's one of the guys from the African Student Alliance. Oh, wait, you know what? I don't think they're even speaking anymore. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, APOLLO AND HARRY'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. HARRY: They had some sort of falling out. Uh, have you checked with Dr. Tonin? INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. HARRY: [on phone] I mean, she's practically his mum. Veronica looks up as the door opens and a man walks in. VERONICA: Uh, that'll get me started. Thanks. Bye. Veronica puts down the phone and looks up at the man. VERONICA: You must be Kizza. KIZZA: Yes, uh, I'm looking for Detective Mars. VERONICA: I'm Detective Mars. KIZZA: You're just a girl. You're a-you're a teenager. VERONICA: A girl, a teenager, and a private detective. I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card. KIZZA: [distressed and disbelieving] You are the person who's arranging the meeting with my son? VERONICA: I am. Unfortunately, your son isn't as available as I thought he would be. I'm having a little trouble locating him right now, but I have several leads. As Veronica says "several leads," she uses the pen for emphasis. Kizza stares at the unreassuring ridiculousness of it. Veronica follows his stare and realises her mistake. She wraps her hand around the animal and bends it down, then straightens her back to sit taller in a futile attempt to improve the impression she is making. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Under the stare of a man with his hands on his hips, Keith gets himself a drink from a vending machine. CARL: We've been pretty vocal supporters of your candidacy, Keith. It's becoming more difficult. There are others at the Homeowners Association suggesting we should bring in Mr. Van Lowe, see what he's all about. Keith bends and retrieves a can from the dispenser. KEITH: I appreciate the heads-up, Carl. Keith heads back into the department. Carl follows. KEITH: I think we're on the right track, but it may take some time. CARL: Nah, the election's in two weeks. You don't have time. Sacks hands him a report. SACKS: Here's the data you asked for, Keith. Keith scans it as Carl watches him. KEITH: What kind of home-security system you got, Carl? CARL: Safehouse. KEITH: You might want to replace it. Carl cocks his head quizzically. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Parker is striding through the campus. Logan races up from behind her. LOGAN: Hey, can we talk for a second? Parker hurries on dismissively, still pissed off with him. PARKER: I have a class. I don't want to get into a whole thing. Logan keeps pace with her. LOGAN: There's no whole thing. I want to talk to you...about the surf trip. Parker comes to an abrupt halt and he turns back to face her. PARKER: Fine. Kissing is cheating, and what I don't know will hurt me. Logan smiles. LOGAN: You should come with me. PARKER: [incredulous] You want me to come to South America with you and Dick? LOGAN: Hey, I meant it when I said that I didn't think about being away from you for three months. And...now I have. I have to process things, you know, it's just what I'm like. Parker is ecstatic and throws herself at him. PARKER: Oh, my God! Logan hugs her but his face shows that he's really not convinced this is a good idea. Elsewhere on campus, Veronica waits under another portico. She leaps forward as Olympia walks towards her. VERONICA: Olympia, you wouldn't happen to know where I might find Apollo? OLYMPIA: I know he's avoiding you. Veronica, I think he should meet the guy, get tested. If I see him again, I'll keep working on him. Veronica clasps her hands together in a begging motion before hurrying away. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DR. TONIN'S OFFICE - DAY. Dr. Tonin addresses Veronica as she fingers through one of her filing cabinets. DR. TONIN: I wish I could help you. To tell you the truth, I'm starting to worry about him. Will you let me know if you find him? Veronica nods unhappily before turning to leave the office. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica is back at the job fair, which seems busier than it was earlier. She finds the stall for the African Students Alliance. The person working on the stall is just finishing with one enquiry. On the table at the front of the stall are displayed a number of books. VERONICA: Hi, Zeke? ZEKE: Yes. VERONICA: I'm Veronica. I'm trying to find Apollo Bukenya. ZEKE: You're looking in the wrong place. We don't talk anymore. VERONICA: I heard. This is kind of last-ditch. Sorry to bother you. She turns to leave. ZEKE: What do you need him for? VERONICA: I'm doing a story on him. Zeke bends forward, resting his hands on the table and drops his voice. ZEKE: In that case, I've got your lead. He didn't write Soldier of Misfortune. His adviser did. He knows it, and he knows I know it. VERONICA: So Apollo told his adviser the story of his life, and she wrote the book? ZEKE: Not exactly. The stories in Apollo's book are true for many others. They simply didn't happen to him. Veronica's eyes widen. ZEKE: He was never conscripted. Veronica is shocked. Cut to later and elsewhere on campus to show it's still day. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Veronica sits on Piz's bed. VERONICA: Zeke was Apollo's roommate freshman year. He says Apollo told him all about his life, but until Soldier of Misfortune came out, never included anything about being a child soldier in the LRA. Wallace is at his desk, thoughtful. VERONICA: So what should I do? Wallace pushes back so his chair rolls further into the room and puts him in direct eye contact with Veronica. WALLACE: I don't know. Nothing? Veronica gives him a WTF!? look. WALLACE: I'm serious, Veronica. It's a fact that there are child soldiers in Africa. Wallace gets up and walks towards her, picking up some leaflets from his desk as he does. WALLACE: There's this organisation, Invisible Children... She scoots along the bed so Wallace can sit beside her and hand her the leaflets. WALLACE: ...that sends volunteers over to Uganda to help protect the kids there. They have a booth up at the job fair. There was a crowd around it today about five people deep. VERONICA: I think I'm missing the point. WALLACE: Everyone is there because of Apollo's book. If you expose his book as a hoax, I promise you'll be killing a lot more than his literary career. Veronica's cell phone rings. Wallace goes back to his desk as Veronica answers it. VERONICA: Hello? OLYMPIA: [on phone] Veronica, hi, it's Olympia. I just saw Apollo. He's heading back to his room. I think he's ready to talk. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, APOLLO AND HARRY'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Veronica walks along the corridor outside, heading for Apollo's room. As she reaches the open door, she sees and hears Apollo on the phone. APOLLO: [agitated] No. No! Are you kidding me? What about the first check? But I've already- Veronica pulls back a little to avoid interrupting him, but does not stop eavesdropping. APOLLO: So they're just gonna pull the plug, just like that? Fine, fine. I have lawyers, too. Apollo ends the call and stares at the ceiling. VERONICA: Sorry. Is this a bad time? APOLLO: No. No, now is fine. Just give me a second to take my laundry out of the machine before someone steals it. Veronica walks into the room. VERONICA: I can wait. Apollo grabs a laundry basket and leaves. As soon as he's out of sight, Veronica saunters towards the phone. VERONICA VOICEOVER: "Pull the plug," lawyers, checks? To whom, pray tell, was the young Mr. Bukenya speaking? She glances out into the corridor to check for Apollo before picking up the phone. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Hit redial. Veronica does and puts the phone to her ear. WOMAN: [on phone] Silver Pictures. Veronica terminates the call quickly. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Looks like Soldier of Misfortune won't be coming to a theatre near you. Veronica thoughtfully replaces the phone on the table just as Apollo returns. APOLLO: This man who claims to be my father, Olympia convinced me. I want to meet him. I'll take the blood test. VERONICA: I'll arrange it. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Dick marches into the suite heading directly to his room. CASABLANCAS: [offscreen] Hello, son. Dick freezes. He turns slowly as Big Dick comes into the suite from the balcony. DICK: Dad? What, they just let you in my room? CASABLANCAS: Well, I am paying for it, after all. DICK: Really? I thought hundreds of saps who invested in your company were paying for it. I feel better about myself already. Big Dick walks slowly towards him. CASABLANCAS: I, uh...I turned myself in. My lawyer made all the arrangements. I have a couple months before my incarceration. Uh, tired of running, Dick. I want to pay my debt to society and get it over with. DICK: And what kind of debt did your lawyer negotiate? CASABLANCAS: A year. Dick snorts, much to Big Dick's chagrin. DICK: That's exactly what this biker I went to high school with got for stealing the Huntingtons' lawn jockey. It's good to be the king, huh? Dick slaps his father in the arm, then turns to walk away from him, into the lounge area of the suite. CASABLANCAS: [angry] You know, I'll consider our societal flaws during my yard time in the big house. He sighs and walks towards his son again. CASABLANCAS: Look, I turn myself in at the end of August but...at least we have a few months before then. I've rented a room a couple floors down. I want to spend as much time as possible with you. DICK: I'm gonna be gone most of the summer. I'm going on this surf trip- CASABLANCAS: [incredulous] Surf trip? I'm going to jail, Dick. DICK: I know. I'm sorry. I just- CASABLANCAS: [furious] This is the only chance you have to be with your father, and you're talking about a surf trip? Dick is nonplussed. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT. Kizza is sitting on the small couch in the outer office. KIZZA: Silver Pictures? What is Silver Pictures? Veronica is standing behind her desk. VERONICA: It's a company that makes movies. She walks forward slowly, coming to rest against the front edge of the desk. VERONICA: My point is...there's not going to be a movie of Soldier of Misfortune. There's not going to be a big cheque. I suspect Oprah may tear Apollo a new one on national TV. KIZZA: What does Oprah have to do with- VERONICA: Mr. Oneko, if you tracked down Apollo in hopes of finding financial security, I'm urging you to simply walk away. He needs people around him who care about him. If that's not you, I can't let- KIZZA: [emotionally] Miss Mars, had it not been for the war, I never would have left Uganda. I came to New York, a place where I had no friends, no family, as a means of survival. I'm still alive, but I've been alone for twenty-one years. I drive a cab. He rises. KIZZA: I go to school. But I am lonely. If this is my son, please, let me be there to comfort him in this difficult time. Veronica nods, barely. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Blood is being taken from Apollo's arm. As the medic finishes, Apollo, sitting in a chair in the middle of Keith's office, looks up at Veronica who is standing at the window, keeping a worried lookout and fingering her necklace. APOLLO: I don't think he's coming. VERONICA: He'll be here. Sceptical, Apollo leans back in his chair. Veronica returns her attention to the window. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Vinnie, in a dark suit, is touring the office. VINNIE: You ever notice how the stained wood around the window has the effect of shrinking the space? Keith follows him, arms folded across his chest. VINNIE: I'm-I'm thinking something more of an eggshell would really open it up in here. I should probably write that down. Vinnie reaches into his jacket pocket. He pulls out a pad and pen. VINNIE: Anyway, what can I do for you, Keith? KEITH: I don't suppose, Vinnie, you've noticed, that there's a criminal element in town that would really love to see you as sheriff. Vinnie returns the pad and pen to his pocket. VINNIE: Oh, what can I say? I'm a walking big tent party. Must be why the girls from the secretarial pool gave me that nickname. KEITH: What do you know about Safehouse Security Systems? Vinnie ignore the question, instead slapping Sacks, who is sitting at his desk where they have stopped, on the back. VINNIE: Hey, Sacksy? Mind running out and getting a latte? Sacks is grossly offended and glances at Keith. VINNIE: I can have him get you something, as well. Vinnie sets off again but Keith persists. KEITH: Safehouse? VINNIE: Yeah, I did some consulting work for them. KEITH: You did. VINNIE: Mmm-hmm. KEITH: Did you know that all seven homes that have been burglarised subscribe to Safehouse? Vinnie whistles. VINNIE: Quite a co-inkydink. Keith gets in Vinnie's face. KEITH: You and the Fitzpatricks are the prime beneficiaries of those robberies. I think you're colluding with them. Vinnie chuckles in a really slimy way. VINNIE: Well, Keith, you are certainly entitled to your theory. Question is... He leans in and drops his voice. VINNIE: Can you prove it? Vinnie turns and walks away, clicking his fingers and leaving Keith standing with his hands on his hips. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Veronica and Apollo are still in Keith's office. APOLLO: It's been an hour. Veronica sighs deeply. VERONICA: I'm so sorry, Apollo. APOLLO: Sorry for what? I expect nothing, so I'm rarely disappointed. So, did you tell this Kizza person that I'm a fraud and that I won't be coming into money as all the articles say? VERONICA: I told him there was that possibility. APOLLO: Good. Apollo lifts himself from the chair. APOLLO: Thank you. You did your part. Apollo walks out of Keith's office. Veronica follows him into the outer office. VERONICA: What do you mean, my part? Apollo turns to face her. APOLLO: Soldier of Misfortune, the story is mine. I wrote every word of it. I needed to know whether this Kizza gentleman would show regardless of my stature and financial situation. Veronica shakes her head. VERONICA: So, everything I told him was- APOLLO: Disinformation, a plan to separate those I can trust from those I can't, a plan like so many others. Zeke is actually a very good friend of mine. Veronica is astonished that she's been played but before she can react, the office phone rings. APOLLO: Take care. She walks slowly to it as Apollo collects his jacket from the hat rack near the door. VERONICA: Mars Investigations. KEITH: [on phone] So, Veronica. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - CONTINUING. Keith is at his desk. KEITH: Why is there a detainee in my jail named Kizza Oneko... INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. KEITH: [on phone]...who asks for his one phone call to be made to you? Veronica gasps and calls out to Apollo. VERONICA: Apollo, wait. She returns her attention to the phone. VERONICA: Why is he being detained? INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - CONTINUING. KEITH: He was picked up driving a rental with plates from a stolen car. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. Veronica smiles as Apollo watches her, bemused.. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Kizza is in one of the interrogation rooms. He looks up as a deputy opens the door, letting in Veronica and Apollo. Kizza smiles broadly on seeing Apollo. He stands and takes a step towards him. KIZZA: Apollo. Apollo is less certain and holds his ground. Veronica watches silently from the wall by the door. APOLLO: Mr. Oneko, I'm happy we have this chance to meet. KIZZA: As am I. Overjoyed, in fact. I'm not surprised your mother named you for the god of music. Apollo looks at him quizzically. KIZZA: She had a book of mythology that she treasured. Apollo is thrown back to his childhood. APOLLO: I...I remember it well. It...it is the book she used to teach me how to read. Apollo absorbs this and comes to realise the possibility. APOLLO: Father? Kizza steps forward and takes Apollo in his arms. Apollo sobs. Kizza is ecstatic. He pulls back, keeping his hands on Apollo's arms. KIZZA: Would you like to hear about your mother as the young girl that I fell in love with? Apollo manages to nod. Veronica's eyes are heavy with unshed tears as she smiles. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. The job fair is still going strong. At the Invisible Children stall, as two volunteers deal with one query, a different volunteer is addressing another. VOLUNTEER: You sure you want to do this? It's quite a commitment, and Africa's a long way away. An application form is passes over the counter. It's Wallace. WALLACE: I'm positive. VOLUNTEER: Okay. Wallace smiles, happy and confident in his summer plans. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAX'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Max is hard at work (or whatever) at the computer in his room. He looks up as the door opens and Mac enters. MAC: I come with tales from the outside world. MAX: Hey. He leaps up and kisses her. MAC: Oh, and, uh, I brought these for you. Mac hand him a load of leaflets. Max takes them without enthusiasm. MAC: I was passing through the job fair, and, um, apparently, there are careers that a philosophy degree prepares you for, so just thought I'd grab them, just in case. MAX: I guess we need to talk about this, huh? MAC: Yeah, maybe. MAX: Here's the thing. I make about fifteen hundred a week doing something I like. I'm gonna be doing this for a while. Mac nods, her face tight. MAX: Not forever, but for a while. I hope that doesn't change things for you. MAC: I wish that it didn't, but it kind of does. MAX: Well, that sucks. Max walks away and throws the leaflets on the bed. MAC: Yeah, but I'm not sure how much it changes things. I want us to keep seeing each other. MAX: Well, great. MAC: Just can't do the blissful love-shack thing anymore. I need to get back to my regularly scheduled life. Is that cool? MAX: So, do you have to get back to reality now or... Mac laughs. MAC: No. No, I got a couple hours. MAX: Good. Mac, grinning, looks at him questioningly. Max makes his hands into bull horns and places them on the side of his head. He snorts and Mac laughs. Max starts to paw the ground. Mac giggles as Max charges at her. She slips aside and he chases her, grabbing her by the bed where they both tumble on to and over the other side of the bed. MAC: Aah! Aah! They land on the floor. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, BIG DICK'S ROOM - DAY. Big Dick is at one of his suitcases, putting in or taking out a pair of shoes. He looks up at a knock on the door. He walks over and opens the door. Dick marches in. CASABLANCAS: Son. DICK: Just so you know, the world doesn't stop because you decided to show up. CASABLANCAS: Well, had I known it was interfering with your surfing, I would have come sooner. DICK: Like maybe for Cassidy's funeral? This is where he died, you know? I walk by the spot he splattered on every day. CASABLANCAS: You think I'm not sorry about Cassidy? DICK: What are you sorry for, Dad? That he's dead? CASABLANCAS: Of course. DICK: You ever think he's dead because of us, or that he killed those people because of us?! Big Dick tries to reach out to his increasingly hysterical son. CASABLANCAS: Son. DICK: We used to have contests to see which one of us could make him cry! I can barely live with myself sometimes, and it's so much easier when you're not around! Big Dick doesn't know where to look. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - DAY. Dick throws open the door of the suite and strides forward. He's still upset and doesn't bother to close the door behind him. He heads for his room but pauses as Logan, sitting on the couch eating a burger, speaks. LOGAN: Hey, listen, about our summer plans, I know you're gonna think this is uncool, but I kind of broke down and- DICK: I can't go. LOGAN: What? DICK: Yeah, the trip's not gonna happen. My dad's back, wants me to spend time with him before he goes to jail. Dick's voice wobbles. Logan gazes at him. LOGAN: I get it, man. DICK: Sorry for screwing up your summer, you know? Dick turns and walks into his room. Logan frowns. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PARKER AND MAC'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Parker opens the door to the room. Logan is standing there, leaning on the door jamb. PARKER: [brightly] Hey! I was just gonna call you. I told my parents. They freaked out. It was the best feeling. Logan continues to stand there, hands now in pockets, unresponsive. PARKER: What's wrong? LOGAN: Hey, the trip's off. Logan walks slowly into the room. LOGAN: Dick's dad came back into town, and now he can't go, so... Parker shuts the door behind him. PARKER: Oh. So...I guess we're not going, then? Parker sits down on her bed. Logan stands by her desk. LOGAN: He was footing half the bill for the house, and it'd just be really expensive. And it was a thing me and Dick were planning on together. Parker is extremely disappointed. PARKER: I understand. LOGAN: Yeah. PARKER: I guess I'm going to Denver then. They stare at each other across the distance. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. VERONICA: Dad! Check this out. Veronica is on the couch, sitting between the legs of and against Piz, and is holding both his hands. They are watching television. VINNIE VOICEOVER: [on TV] I'm Vincent Van Lowe. Keith comes in from the bedroom and sits on the arm of the armchair. KEITH: Aw, no. VINNIE VOICEOVER: [on TV] I was born in Neptune. On the screen, Vinnie portrays himself as a pillar of the community. He is shown in a shirt, tie and hard hat at a building site, as if the builder or project manager. VINNIE VOICEOVER: [on TV] I live in Neptune. There's a couple of black and white shots of Vinnie working at a desk in an office befitting a district attorney, complete with flags and a bookshelf stuff with law books. VINNIE VOICEOVER: [on TV] My friends and family live in Neptune. That's why what happens in our city concerns me so much. VERONICA: Ugh. On the screen, colour has returned in pictures of Vinnie playing with children. VINNIE VOICEOVER: [on TV] There's nothing more important than the safety of our children. VERONICA: Vinnie has kids? KEITH: None that he's aware of. The commercial moves on to scraps of headlines and newspaper articles: "Burglary crime wave continues," "Suspects at large in burglary c... Home owners furious over lack of arrests," by Adam Grossman referencing a particular theft from the Robertsons of their jewellery and their toy dog, Ruffy, and "Unsolved home burglaries eroding public's t... Concerned home owners fearful for their safety, demanding a...." VINNIE VOICEOVER: [on TV] And the security of our homes. Vinnie finally addresses the camera directly from the respectable desk featured in the pictures. VINNIE: [on TV] I'm Vincent Van Lowe, and I'm asking for your vote. The screen fades into Vinnie's graphic which reads "Vincent Van Lowe for Sheriff" where the "Vincent" is set over a six-pointed star/badge. FEMALE VOICEOVER: [on TV] Vinnie Van Lowe has been endorsed by the Neptune Homeowners Association. Keith shakes his head. VERONICA: Well, from the ridiculous to the sublime, Apollo and Kizza's blood test checked out. No surprise. The phone rings. Keith gets up to answer it. KEITH: Hello? Sure. Keith holds out the phone to Veronica. KEITH: It's for you. Veronica disentangles herself from Piz and gets up to take the phone. VERONICA: Hello? Veronica listens with increased incredulity. VERONICA: Really? Piz watches her. VERONICA: That's incredible. Keith does too but smiles as he realises what's happening. VERONICA: Thank you. Veronica, her mouth wide open, terminates the call. She tosses the phone on the counter and turns to face Keith. VERONICA: I'm in. The FBI has chosen me for their summer internship! Veronica jumps excitedly into Keith's arms. He's as thrilled as she is. KEITH: Yes! Talk about making up for that crappy P.I. exam score. You did it, honey. Veronica jumps out of the embrace and jumps up and down instead. KEITH: My daughter the Fed! VERONICA: Twelve fun-filled, pay-free weeks of schlepping coffee and office supplies at the Federal Bureau of Investigation! Keith holds out a hand. KEITH: Ice cream! They slap hands. Veronica laughs and as Keith rushes off, Piz stands in front of her. She's still really excited, hopping about. VERONICA: I can't believe it! PIZ: It's in Virginia, right? VERONICA: Yeah. She hugs him, still laughing, missing the resignation on his face.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who is hired by Kizza to prove he is Apollo's father? A: a private investigator; Q: What is Veronica's new job? A: Apollo Bukenya; Q: Who wrote a book about his years as an orphan child-soldier in Uganda's rebel army? A: African; Q: What nationality is Apollo Bukenya? A: Hearst; Q: What is the name of the school? A: her investigation; Q: What leads to information that might expose Apollo's story as a fake? A: Sheriff; Q: What is the name of the election? A: Keith; Q: Who is faced with a crime spree in Neptune? A: Parker; Q: Who comes to Veronica for help? Summary: Veronica is officially a private investigator - Veronica passes her exam to be an official Private Investigator, while Piz lands an interview with Apollo Bukenya, an African student at Hearst who wrote a book about his years as an orphan child-soldier in Uganda's rebel army. Veronica is hired by an African man, Kizza, to help prove that he is Apollo's father, but her investigation leads to information that might expose Apollo's story as a fake. Meanwhile, as the election for Sheriff nears, Keith is faced with a crime spree in Neptune. Parker comes to Veronica for ...

[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in. Piper is holding Wyatt.] Paige: We don't have much time, they're gonna follow us. Phoebe: How are we supposed to stop them? Piper: But we have to do something. We can't just let them take Wyatt. (Magical lights appear in the room.) Paige: Uh, incoming. ("The Cleaners" wearing white suits appear.) Cleaner #1: It's pointless to run. Piper: You can't have him. (Piper tries to blow them up but he just catches it in his hand.) Cleaner #1: You're only delaying the inevitable I'm afraid, now if you don't mind, we have a lot of cleaning to do. (They wave their hands and Wyatt disappears and reappears in Cleaner #2's arms.) Piper: No! (Cleaner #1 waves his arm and the girls are thrown off their feet and slide backwards along the floor.) Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Wyatt. Cleaner #1: An Elder. Good. Perhaps you can explain it to her. (The girls get up.) Phoebe: Explain? Explain what? Piper: Do something. Don't just stand there. Leo: I can't. Nobody can. Paige: What the hell are you talking about? Piper: Please, he's just a baby. It won't happen again, I won't let it happen again. Cleaner #2: Sorry, we can't take that risk. Cleaner #1: Don't worry, you won't remember any of this anyway. (Cleaner #1 waves his hand and any baby things laying around the room disappear. Even Wyatt's room upstairs returns to a closet. The Cleaners disappear. Piper looks at Leo, confused.) Piper: What are you doing here? Leo: I don't know. Better go. (He orbs out.) Paige: What were we talking about? Piper: I don't know. Phoebe: I'm beat. I'm gonna go up to bed. (Phoebe goes upstairs.) Paige: Yeah, I'm tired too. (to Piper) Are you alright? Piper: Yeah, I just feel like I'm forgetting something. Paige: Like what? Piper: I don't know. Must not be very important. (Paige goes upstairs. Piper looks around.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's there making breakfast. The TV is on.] Weather Man: (on TV) Say goodbye to yesterdays rain and good morning sunshine. It is a beautiful Wednesday in San Francisco and if you're like me, you'll want to forget all about yesterday. (Paige walks in.) Paige: Any infomercials for stain remover on there? Piper: You have a stain that needs removing? (Paige goes to the fridge.) Paige: Yes. I spilled coffee on my blouse yesterday, so that dork walking around the office with the big old stain on her shirt, that'd be me. Piper: Have you tried baking soda? Paige: No, it's dry clean only, so it's gonna eat up half a day's pay. Piper: The pay is lousy, your boss is a sexist pig. Why don't you just quit? The job sucks and it's just a temp job anyway. Paige: Because if I want a life outside of magic, I can't just quit every time a job starts sucking. Besides, I stuck around with the dog walking job and hey, I wind up helping somebody. Piper: Yeah, but that was once. What are the odds of something like that actually happening again? Paige: I don't know. But sometimes they say you gotta ride a lot of different horses on the merry-go-round before you find what you're looking for. Piper: Carousel. Paige: Sorry? Piper: Well, a merry-go-round has lots of animals. A carousel only has horses. Paige: Okay, why do you even know that, weirdo? (Piper stops to think.) Piper: I have no idea. (Piper hears a baby's voice.) Did you hear that? Paige: Hear what? Piper: Now it's gone. Paige: Now what's gone? Piper: I know this may sound crazy but I think I just heard a baby. Paige: Yeah, you're crazy. Phoebe's Voice: Piper! Paige: Oh my god, I heard something. Piper: Oh, be quiet. Coming! Paige: How long do you think she's gonna spend down there anyway? The rest of her natural life? Piper: Yeah. Long enough to be sure she doesn't shove her tongue down the throat of the next delivery guy. Phoebe's Voice: I heard that! (Piper picks up a tray and she and Paige head for the basement.) [Cut to the basement. Phoebe has set up a desk in the corner of the room. She's sitting behind it.] Phoebe: For your information, we're lucky that guy didn't sue me for sexual harassment. (Paige and Piper walk down the stairs.) Paige: Well, you were channelling his emotions. Phoebe: That's not the point. The point is I have to figure out how to work my new power, I'm gonna have to lock myself down in this basement for the rest of my life. Whoa, whoa, whoa! (Piper and Paige suddenly stop before the bottom of the stairs.) Stay behind the yellow line. (Piper and Paige look down to see a thick yellow line drawn on the ground.) I might channel what you both are feeling. Piper: So would you like me to toss you your breakfast? (Paige notices a band-aid stuck to Phoebe's forehead.) Paige: What happened to your head? Phoebe: This? I don't know. I've been so scattered lately I must have bumped it or something. Now, are either one of you feeling any strong emotions? Anger? Sadness? Paige: Annoyance? Phoebe: You may proceed. Paige: Thanks. (Phoebe gets a vibe.) Phoebe: Wait a minute, one of you is feeling insecure. (Phoebe looks at Piper.) Piper: What? I'm just feeling a little off today, that's all. Stop looking at me like that. (Piper puts the tray on Phoebe's desk.) Phoebe: You cut the crust of my toast and cut my eggs into little bits and look, there's apple sauce and milk. Piper, I'm not in second grade. Piper: I just thought maybe you'd like some milk for some strong bones. Paige: Okay, what is going on with you, lady? Carousels, hearing babies, and now milk for strong bones. Phoebe: Wait, you were hearing babies? Piper: Forget it, I'm sure it's nothing, forget it. (Phoebe's cell phone rings. She answers it.) Phoebe: Hey, Elise. How'd you like that...? What? Elise's Voice: Just get in here! Phoebe: No, I can't come in today because... I am very sick. (She coughs.) Elise's Voice: Yesterday you completely turned the place upside down! Phoebe: Wait, but I didn't come in yesterday. I did? Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay. (She hangs up.) Paige: What was that about? Phoebe: Uh, that was Elise and she wants me to come into work asap or it's my job. Piper: Your job? Why would she say that? Phoebe: I have no idea. Something about yesterday. I must have bumped my head pretty hard, huh? Paige: It looks like you're gonna have to brave the big bad world. Want me to give you a ride? Phoebe: No, I'll drive. So I can get in and out fast. (Phoebe gets up and she and Paige head upstairs.) Piper: Hey, don't forget your coats. It might rain. Paige: Will you stop mothering us, please. [Scene: Ritz Teukolsky Ruben building. Office. Paige is at the reception desk answering the phone.] Paige: Ritz Teukolsky Ruben please hold. (Presses a button.) Ritz Teukolsky Ruben please hold. (Presses a button.) Who are you holding for? You wouldn't happen to need any help with anything, would you? (Flo walks past carrying a box of stuff.) Flo, what happened? Flo: I just got fired, that's what happened. Paige: What? (on phone) Oh, not you. You call back or something. (Paige walks around the desk.) I don't understand. Why? Flo: You oughta know. Paige: Uh, no, I-I don't and I want to help, believe me. But I can't help you unless you tell me, you know, why you were fired. Flo: So Mr. Stewart gets me in his office and says I either go out with him again or he fires me. I didn't take his offer. So he told me to pack up. My word against his, you know. Paige: I would have gone in with you if you asked. Flo: I did, I asked you yesterday. Obviously I don't rank high enough in importance for you to remember. Paige: No, no, seriously, I would remember that. (Mr. Stewart walks over to them.) Mr. Stewart: Excuse me, do you mind? (Flo storms out.) Back to the phone, Francine. Paige: Paige, my name is Paige. Mr. Stewart: Whatever. You're a temp. You want to help people? Sit your pretty ass back down, answer the damn phone. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Day. Back room. Chris is there lazing back on a couch drinking a beer. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Hey. Chris: Hey. (Chris gets it together.) Leo! (He jumps up.) Hey. I didn't know you were coming here. Leo: I can see that. Are you drinking beer? Chris: I was gonna pay for that. Leo: Chris, what are you doing sitting around here? Aren't you supposed to be getting to know your new charge? (A girl wearing only a man's shirt stands at the doorway.) Girl: Oh, hi, Leo. Chris: Okay, look, before you get mad, you were the one who wanted me to have a charge in the first place, remember? Leo: Yeah, to protect her. Girl: Oh, he was using protection. Chris: Yeah, I don't think that's what he meant. Leo: Chris, are you out of your mind? Besides from this being out of line, it's completely against the rules. Chris: Yeah, you're one to talk. Girl: Oh, I don't think that's his point. Why don't I just, um, leave you two alone. (She leaves.) Chris: Look, I was just having a little fun. What's the big deal? It's not like I have anything pressing to do anyway. Leo: You don't have anything pressing? Then why exactly did you come back from the future in the first place? Chris: Ahh, I don't know. I forgot. Leo: You forgot. (Chris laughs. Leo hears a baby's voice.) You hear that? Chris: What? Leo: Never mind. We'll talk about this later. (He orbs out. The girl comes back in.) Girl: Is he gone? (Chris nods.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in. She looks around and notices everyone in the office has a wound. Broken bones, bandages, black eyes.] Man: I don't care what she says, Phoebe. I always wanted to do what you did and man was it good to see you do it. Phoebe: Oh, thanks for your support, Frank. (She turns to meet Elise, who has a black eye, and they go into her office.) Okay, Elise, what is going on out... Elise: Sit. (Phoebe sits down.) I wanted to talk to you alone before I involved any lawyers. Phoebe: Lawyers? What? Elise: Now I'm not going to pretend that the only reason you're still working here is that you're an asset to the paper. But what the hell came over you yesterday? Phoebe: Yesterday? Elise: Because there are three workers out with injuries. Jackie has got a broken nose. Not to mention... (She points to her black eye.) Phoebe: Yeah, that does look like it hurts a lot. Elise: It's all I can do to keep lawsuits from pouring in. If there were perhaps a reasonable explanation for your behaviour yesterday. Phoebe: Elise, I'm sorry but I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. Elise: Phoebe! (Elise grabs her shoulders and Phoebe gets a premonition. In the premonition Phoebe is in the office punching everyone out. The premonition ends. Phoebe coughs and stands up.) Phoebe: I'm feeling a lot worse. I gotta go. [Scene: Outside a store. Piper is there. A man walks out of the store carrying a crying baby, a grocery bag and a pack of diapers. He's having trouble carrying all three.] Man: Okay, here we go. Come on, sweetheart, don't be fussy. (Piper looks over. The man drops the diapers. Piper rushes over and picks the diapers up for him.) You want a bottle? Piper: You know, if you bounce a little, make a little shushing sound, it usually helps. (The man does as she says.) (to baby) Hi. Man: Wow, that was amazing. How did you calm him down so fast? Piper: Well, the shushing sound supposedly reminds them of the womb. Man: Amazing. You must be a terrific mum to know all this stuff. Piper: No, actually, I don't have kids. Man: Really? I guess I just assumed. Piper: Oh, well, I always wanted them. I babysat a lot. I should go. (She heads for her car.) Man: Um... (She turns back around.) My diapers? Piper: Oh. Sorry. (She balances the diapers on top of the grocery bag.) Piper: Got it? Man: Yep. You okay, sweetheart? You want some chips? (The man walks off.) [Scene: Manor. Piper's bedroom. Leo is there looking at the closet, deep in thought. Piper walks in.] Piper: Leo? Leo: Piper? What are you doing here? Piper: What am I doing here? Leo: No, that's not what I meant. Just... I shouldn't be here. Piper: No, you shouldn't. I mean, I asked you to stay away for a good reason so that I could learn to live without you. Leo: I know. Piper: And if you just keep orbing in whenever you feel like it, that's not really gonna help me. Leo: Right, I'm sorry. It's just... Never mind, I should be going. Piper: What were you gonna say? Leo: Nothing. Piper: You haven't by any chance, now this is gonna sound a little weird, um, been hearing things lately, have you? Leo: Hearing things? Piper: Yeah, you know, like I could swear a couple times today I heard a... Leo: Baby? Piper: You too? Leo: Pretty strange, huh? Do you think it means anything? Piper: I don't know. I mean, maybe it's just that we both regret not having children. Which why didn't we? Leo: I don't know. We both wanted to. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Phoebe's Voice: Piper, I need you upstairs. Piper: Be right there. Uh, you should probably go. Leo: But what if you need help. What if it's a demon? Piper: Leo, you're not our Whitelighter anymore. Chris is. Leo: Except he's busy. I gave him another witch to look after yesterday. Piper: Well, then I guess we're just gonna have to handle it alone, won't we. (Piper leaves the room.) [Cut to the attic. Phoebe and Paige are there.] Paige: So you're saying you started a riot but you don't remember? (Piper walks in.) Phoebe: Yeah, it must have been how this has happened and why Elise was so mad at me. Paige: I thought Elise was just like that. Phoebe: Well, yeah, she kind of is. (to Piper) Hey, are you okay? I'm feeling a very emotional vibe from you right now. Piper: I'm fine. Stop that. What I don't understand is if you don't remember the riot, how do you know you started it? Phoebe: I had a vision. And by the way, the vision occurred yesterday. Paige: Maybe you were channelling somebody else's anger. Phoebe: Probably, I just don't remember. Piper: So you both have events that you can't remember from yesterday. Phoebe: Yeah, there was the riot and Paige's blouse. Paige: And this thing with this girl Flo from work. Did you forget anything? Piper: You're asking me to remember what I've apparently forgotten? I don't know, I remember getting up, I remember going downstairs, but the rest is kind of a blur. Paige: I think somebody is messing with us. Phoebe: Making us forget. Piper: But these all seem like such random moments to forget. Where's the connection? Paige: Well, that's why we wrote a spell to fill in the blanks. Phoebe: We know you might be reluctant because of what happened last time we cast a spell on your memory. Piper: No, you're right, let's do it. Phoebe: Really? Piper: Something's going on. The only thing we don't know is what. Paige: Alright, here we go. "Moments lost make witches wonder, warlocks plot or demons plunder, if this is not a prank, help us to fill in the blanks." (The room spins around and when it settles down, Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there wearing the day before's clothes.) Piper: It's raining. Paige: And your band-aid's gone. Phoebe: And you're wearing that blouse. Paige: Except for I've got no coffee stain. (They hear a baby.) Piper: Oh my god. (Piper races out of the room.) [Cut to the conservatory. Piper picks Wyatt out of his playpen. Phoebe and Paige come downstairs.] Piper: I remember now. I'm a mum. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Wyatt are there. Phoebe throws a newspaper on the table.] Phoebe: Today is yesterday. Paige: Well, the spell didn't return our memories, it just rewound the day. Phoebe: Yeah, but why? Paige: Why else? To help us remember what somebody obviously wants us to forget. Piper: Okay, but how could I have possibly forgotten about Wyatt? What could have happened to make that happen? Phoebe: Piper, it's not just you, we were all made to forget about him. Paige: And a whole bunch of other things. Piper: But I'm his mother, it's my job to protect him and I failed. Paige: Don't be ridiculous, you did not fail. (Wyatt starts fussing.) Piper: Okay, now he's fussing. Come on, sweetie, it's okay. And now I can't get him to stop fussing. (Phoebe gets a vibe.) Phoebe: You're just feeling insecure. And Wyatt is feeling very, very sad right now. Poor little guy. You see, this is why I lock myself in the basement, I am a wreck. Paige: Okay, guys, we're kind of against the clock right now, maybe we should just take it in the other room. Phoebe: I think that's a good idea. Piper: Okay, bud, here we go. (Piper puts him back in his playpen. She picks up an old teddy bear.) Hey, lookie, how about this? You like this guy? Hello. No? Pheebs, a little help here. Phoebe: We hate that toy. It's yucky and crusty and gross. Piper: Okay, then what does he want? (Phoebe points to the TV.) Phoebe: That. Piper: Yeah, see, I am a failure. Piper: No, you're not. We just happen to have more pressing concerns right now than the media's influence. Okay? (Phoebe and Paige leave the room.) Piper: Okay. (Piper turns on the TV to a learning channel.) Okay, sweetie, mummy will just be in the next room, okay? Okay. (Piper leaves the room. Wyatt looks at the TV and the channel changes to gymnastics. He blinks and the channel changes to dragons.) [Cut to the living room.] Paige: Okay, we remember everything that happened before today, right? Phoebe: Yeah, but... Paige: And we know we're not gonna remember everything unless we do something about it, right? Phoebe: Paige, don't be impatient with me. I'm feeling so much today I don't need this too. Paige: Okay, all I'm saying is whatever caused us to forget is what's gonna happen next. We just have to relive this day and see where it leads us. Piper: Yeah, but if we're not careful, where it leads will be right back where we started, without Wyatt. Paige: Except we know something is going to happen to him, so all we have to do is look for clues, keep our eyes open and stop it. Phoebe: How are we supposed to know what's important and what's not? Paige: It's all important because it's all connected to Wyatt. So just have to see what the connection is. Piper: So what, you're just supposed to go to your temp job and wait for coffee to be spilt on you? Paige: Yeah, exactly. So much for my life outside of magic. Now you, you have go to go to work and... Phoebe: Start a riot and get a cut on my head and lose my job? No thank you. Paige: You have to, it's the only way to save Wyatt. Phoebe: Oi. [Cut to the conservatory. Wyatt blinks again and one of the dragons orbs out of the TV and orbs back in outside the house. It pushes on the doors and they open. It flies away.] Piper: So I guess I'm supposed to stay home... (They hear a crash.) Wyatt? (They walk into the conservatory and see the doors wide open.) How did those open? Paige: Must have been the wind. Piper: But they were locked. Phoebe: Could be a clue, let's remember it. Paige: Are you gonna be okay here by yourself? (Paige closes the doors.) Piper: Do I have a choice? Phoebe: Wanna switch with me? Paige: Okay, just call us if anything weird happens. (Piper looks at the TV and then at Wyatt.) [Scene: P3. Leo and Chris are there sitting at the bar.] Chris: You're kidding, right? I don't have time for another charge. Leo: Why not? Chris: Because I just don't. Why do you want me to oversee another witch, anyway? Leo: Because I wanna see what you can do, what you can handle. Chris: Oh, please, you just don't want me around the sisters all the time because you don't trust me. Leo: Chris, protecting charges is what we do. Besides, when I was a Whitelighter I had other charges. Chris: Leo, I didn't come all the way from the future to protect and oversee other charges. I came for one reason and one reason only. Leo: To protect Wyatt. Chris: Yeah. Leo: From some demon who will attack in the future but you're not sure which one. Chris: Hey, man, fine, whatever, don't believe me. All I'm saying is there is no way I am taking on another charge and that's... (A blonde woman walks in.) That... Woman: Hi, Leo, sorry I'm late. Leo: That's okay. Woman: You must be Chris. I'm Natalie. Chris: (to Leo) Maybe just one more. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in.] Woman #2: Phoebe, thank god you came in. The server crashed and we lost your column. Do you have a hard copy? Phoebe: Uh, I'll check in my office. (A man storms out of Elise's office with Elise following.) Man: It's not what you did, Elise, it's how you did it. Elise: Well, lucky I'm editor so I don't have to care what you think. (He heads for the door.) Don't think we're done here, mister. Man: Screw you Elise. (Phoebe's vibes kick in and she gets angry. She taps Elise on the shoulder and when she turns around, Phoebe punches her in the face. The man points and laughs.) Security Guard: You think that's funny, huh? (He punches the man in the face. They grab each other and start fighting.) Phoebe: Hold it! Wait! Don't! (Phoebe tries to break them up but they push her and she hits her head on a desk. She touches her bleeding forehead.) [Scene: Ritz Teukolsky Ruben Office. Paige and Flo are there.] Paige: Stay calm, stay calm. Just, you know, tell me what happened. Flo: Mr. Stewart has been asking me out ever since I got here. Paige: Okay, so you went on a date. Flo: Well, if you could call it a date. He tried to grab my ass, I threw a drink in his face. I have avoided him ever since. God, I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. Paige: Okay, so tell me what happened next. Flo: Next. Next he wants me to meet him in his office tomorrow morning bright and early. He says it's official. I need this job but I'm afraid to face him alone. Do you think maybe you could come with me? Paige: Of course, absolutely. I don't know how I could forget this. Flo: Forget what? Paige: Oh, nothing. (The large dragon flies past the window.) Flo: This is just so typical of my luck with men. I mean, not that you need to hear me complain but... (An employee sees the dragon and without looking walks straight for Paige.) Oh, hey, watch it. (Paige turns around and the employee bumps straight into her, spilling his cup of coffee over her shirt.) Paige: Oh, coffee. Employee: I am so sorry. Paige: It's okay. Employee: Something weird just flew by the window. Paige: Something? Something what? Employee: Um... Paige: Spit it out, spit it out. Employee: Well, to be honest with you, it looked a little like a dragon. Paige: A dragon? (She looks out the window and sees the dragon in the distance.) Oh, that is so not good. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper is there looking at the Book of Shadows. Wyatt balls his eyes out. Piper puts the book down and goes over to him.] Piper: Oh, Wyatt, sweetie, come on, mummy's gotta find something to make sure nothing happens to you. Here, look-look-look. (She picks up the old bear.) Right, you hate this. You hate this. (She puts the bear down.) Okay. I'm sorry. (She picks him up.) Did I forget how to be a mummy too? (They start to orb out.) Wyatt, what are you doing? Wyatt. (They orb out.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Everyone in the office is fighting with each other. Paige walks in.] Paige: Oh my god. Phoebe: Son of a bitch! (Phoebe punches someone in the face.) Paige: Phoebe, no! (Paige pulls her away.) Phoebe, no. Snap out of it. Phoebe: Oh, no, did I do all of this? Paige: Forget all that, we've got to get out of here. Phoebe, I figured out what we're supposed to be remembering. Phoebe: I'd be happier just forgetting, I think at this point. Paige: No, no, you wouldn't. Phoebe, there's a dragon loose in the city. Man: Did you say a dragon? Paige: Come on. [Scene: Street. Piper and Wyatt orb in near a tunnel.] Piper: Wyatt, you're making mummy very nervous. What are we doing here? What is it? (Piper's phone rings. She answers it.) What's up? Paige: Where are you? Piper: Where am I? I'm standing outside of the Presidio tunnel where your nephew just orbed me. Paige's Voice: What did you just say? (Paige and Phoebe orb in.) Paige: He did what? (They hang up.) Piper: Are you out of your mind? Aren't you afraid of exposure? Paige: Yeah, that's why we called. Piper: What do you mean? What are you talking about? (They hear a roar and a car screeches out of the tunnel on fire.) Phoebe: I think she's talking about that. (The dragon flies out of the tunnel and breathes fire. The girls duck.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. The TV is on.] Reporter: Police are at the tunnel saying it's a miracle no one was hurt although three cars were destroyed. They haven't ruled out terrorism of course, but at the moment they're focusing on some rather bazaar reports of a giant bird which one witnessed one on record was saying shot fire out of its mouth at cars like a dragon. (Paige turns off the TV.) Paige: Well, as far as clues go, I would say that's a pretty huge one, wouldn't you? (Piper places a band-aid on Phoebe's forehead.) Phoebe: Ow. Piper: Sorry. Phoebe: No, it's not my pain I'm reacting to, it's your pain. Piper: Oh, well, then you should be feeling a little irritated then too. Phoebe: Piper, why are you blaming yourself? It's not your fault. Piper: Okay, number one, I haven't actually verbalised guilt yet so in the future let me confess before you analyse. Phoebe: Right. Piper: Secondly, it is my fault because I'm the one that plopped Wyatt in front of the electric babysitter. Phoebe: Do you have any idea what she's talking about? Paige: No, not a clue. Piper: You want some clues? Try this one on for size. Before you left, Wyatt was watching a TV show about, wait for it, dragons. Phoebe: No, he was watching a kids show. Piper: Well, apparently he magically changed the channel. Of course, that was before he magically orbed me to the tunnel to find his new friend. Phoebe: He did all of that? Paige: Wait a second, so you're saying Wyatt conjured a dragon? Piper: Yep, right out of the TV. Phoebe: Oh, you must be so proud. Piper: Yeah, or a little irritated. Phoebe: Right. Paige: Okay, if this is true, your little boy is developing some serious powers. Piper: Yeah, the kind that unleashes Godzilla on an unsuspecting city. How am I supposed to handle this? Paige: Well, at least now we know how we lost our memories and obviously anything connected to the dragon no matter how remote was erased. Coffee stains, riots. Piper: The question is by whom? Phoebe: Come on, you guys. So Wyatt made a little magical mess. We've dealt with worse, we'll fix it. (The Cleaners appear near by.) Cleaner #1: Perhaps we can help. Phoebe: Who are you? Cleaner #1: We're known as the Cleaners. And we're here to help. Paige: Cleaners? Cleaner #1: When magic is exposed, we're the ones who cover it up, remove all evidence, erase any memories, whatever is necessary. Piper: You were the ones who were going to take Wyatt. Cleaner #1: Well, we won't have to if you can eliminate the exposure risk. Piper: Exposure? You're here to take my son away you son of a bitch! (She tries to blow him up but he just catches the blast in his hand.) Cleaner #1: I understand your anger, now you need to understand our position. We're a neutral party. We exist only to protect magic, to that end your son has become a problem. Phoebe: (to Piper) Easy. Cleaner #1: However, based upon your past success in covering up your own magic, we've decided to give you a chance. Cleaner #2: One chance only. Cleaner #1: To take care of the problem yourselves before it gets out of hand. Paige: And if we can't? Cleaner #1: Then we'll take care of the problem for you. Piper: You can't make us forget everything. Cleaner #1: There may be some distance echoes that remain, maybe a sense of deja vu here and there, but like most people you'll just pass it off as absent mindedness and move on. Piper: Well, we're not like most people. Cleaner #1: It won't matter. Clean it up. Cleaner #2: Or we will. (The Cleaners disappear.) Paige: At least now we know what happened. Too bad we just won't remember any of it. Phoebe: I think we have the upper hand on this one, don't we? I mean, we know we're recalling the same day, they obviously don't. Paige: Well, none of this is gonna help unless we figure out how to eliminate Wyatt's dragon. (Piper heads for the stairs.) Phoebe: Piper. Piper: Go to the book, work on the dragon, do not take your eyes off Wyatt. Paige: Where are you going? Piper: To call a higher power. [Cut to Piper's bedroom. Piper walks in.] Piper: Leo! Leo, I know you can hear me. I know I told you to go away but I really need you. Wyatt's in trouble. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: What do you mean? What happened? Piper: There's no time. Just tell me how to stop the Cleaners. Leo: The Cleaners? Are they after him? Piper: Yeah. Leo: What the hell happened? Piper: Well, he conjured a little dragon. Leo: Piper, how could you let that happen? Piper: How could I let that happen? You take off and suddenly I'm responsible for every little thing? Leo: This is not a little thing. Piper: Yeah, well, where the hell were you? Why weren't you watching over his every move up there on your lofty perch? Leo: Okay, that's not what I meant. Piper: Then don't say it because I'm beating myself up enough already about this and I don't need you beating me up too. Leo: Sorry. I'm just scared. Piper: Yeah, so am I. That's why I called you. Because I'm about to lose our son and I don't know what to do. So please help me. Leo: Piper, if I could... Piper: No, don't say it. Don't say anything about Elders or rules because you know what? He is your son, Leo. There are no rules. Leo: I'm telling you, the Cleaners are empowered by both good and evil, you can't stop them. Piper: There has to be a way. Leo: You don't understand, there isn't. Cleaners have the power to rewrite history, you can't fight that. Piper: No, you don't understand. I can't do this! I can not lose Wyatt too! Leo: Piper, you weren't put in this position to lose Wyatt, which means there is a way, you just have to find it. Piper: But how? Leo: I don't know. But if anybody can find it, you can. And maybe it's not a magical solution, maybe it's maternal. Deep down inside you can find it. I know you can. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe, Paige and Wyatt are there. Phoebe is making a potion while Paige looks through the Book of Shadows. Piper walks in.] Phoebe: Hey, are you alright? Piper: I don't know. Ask me again when this is all over. Paige: Was Leo any help? Piper: I'm not sure yet. Anything on the dragon? Paige: No, dragons predate the book. One thing I do know is that we're gonna have to get a tooth, scale, some piece of him in order to make the vanquishing potion to even work. Phoebe: Yeah, we're just kind of winging it, making the most powerful potion that we can. (Phoebe doubles over in pain.) Paige: Phoebe. Piper: What happened? Are you alright? Phoebe: I am but someone's not. Actually, a bunch of people aren't. Piper: People? Like people out there people? Phoebe: I don't know. All I know is I've never felt such pain and fear before in my life. Paige: The dragon? Piper: Grab the potion. Wyatt, sweetie, come on. (She picks Wyatt up.) Remember your friend mister dragon? What do you say we find the dragon? [Cut to the street. People are running away in fear. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Wyatt orb in. They walk down the street passing burning cars.] Phoebe: It looks like a war zone. (They approach a large pile of cars and other items off the street. They see the dragon's tail poking out of the pile.) Paige: Oh, god, it looks like it made a nest. Let's hope it's not laying any eggs. Piper: Do you think you can steal a scale for the potion? Paige: Uh, I'll try. Scale! (A scale orbs off the dragon's tail. The dragon gets angry.) I think I woke it up. Phoebe: Oh, no, I think you pissed it off. (The dragon roars and stands on top of the pile.) Paige: Okay, if you're sensing any fear, it would be mine. I think we should go. Piper: Wait. Paige: Wait for what? Piper: Wyatt. (Piper hands Wyatt to Phoebe.) Phoebe: What are you doing? Piper: I don't have time to explain. Just make sure he sees me. (Piper moves closer to the dragon.) Paige: Piper, come back! Piper: Come on, you fire breathing lizard! Come and get me! (The dragon flies up into the air.) Paige: Piper, are you nuts? Piper: Stay there! Paige: We have to stop her. (The dragon circles the area.) Phoebe: I think I know what she's doing. Piper: Come on, Wyatt, don't let mummy down. (The dragon flies down towards Piper. He opens his mouth and fire starts to escape from it. Wyatt raises his arm and the dragon explodes into a million orbing lights. It pushes Piper backwards. The dragon disappears.) Paige: Piper. Piper: I'm okay. (She gets up.) I'm okay. (to Wyatt) Hi, little man, you did it! (She takes Wyatt off of Phoebe.) I knew you could do it. Good job. Paige: Okay, I'm confused. What just happened? Phoebe: That was the greatest power there is. The mother and child bond. Especially when that child is Wyatt. Paige: So you're saying he vanquished the dragon and you knew he was gonna do it. Piper: Well, I was hoping he wouldn't want anything bad to happen to me. Paige: Okay, well, that solved that problem. Now what do we do with this mess? Phoebe: We'll figure it out. (The Cleaners appear.) Cleaner #1: No, actually, you won't. Piper: Wait, we did what you asked, we got rid of the dragon. Cleaner #1: But not the exposure risk. Cleaner #2: The boy. Paige: No, you can't. (Paige orbs Piper, Phoebe and Wyatt out.) [Cut to the manor. Foyer. The girls and Wyatt appear.] Paige: We don't have much time, they're gonna follow us. Phoebe: How are we supposed to stop them? Piper: Well, we have to think of something, we can't just let them take Wyatt. (Magical lights appear in the room.) Paige: Uh, incoming. (The Cleaners appear in the room.) Piper: I will not lose him. (Cleaner #1 waves his hand and Wyatt disappears. He reappears in Cleaner #2's arms.) No! (Cleaner #1 waves his arm and the girls are pushed backwards.) Cleaner #1: Don't worry, you won't remember any of this anyway. (He waves his arm again and all of Wyatt's things vanish. The Cleaners disappear.) Piper: Do you remember? Phoebe: Absolutely everything. Paige: The spell must have worked. Piper: But not for Wyatt. He's gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Piper is looking out the window, Phoebe is looking through the Book of Shadows and Paige is scrying.] Paige: Ugh, nothing, I can't find the Cleaners anywhere. Phoebe: Well, they have to exist somewhere, don't they? Paige: Not necessarily, not even on our plane, not even in our time. I don't know, maybe we should just summon them. Piper: And then what? Paige: I don't know. Maybe we should call Leo again. Piper: I don't think he can help anymore than he already has. Paige: How did he help last time? Piper: By reminding me that I can do this. You know, maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe instead of trying to stop them, we should be trying to get them to stop us. Phoebe: You lost me. Piper: Well, when magic is exposed, it's there job to clean it up, right? Phoebe: Yeah, so? Piper: So why can't we expose our magic and force them to deal with us. Phoebe: Yeah, but if we do that, what's to stop them from erasing us? Piper: They wouldn't dare. So let's give them something to clean up. [Cut to a news room. The weather man is discussing the weather in front of the cameras.] Weather Man: Doppler radar for the Bay area show us that storm is already on its way out, so looks like San Francisco is finally going to get some good news. Scattered showers overnight, to a partly sunny morning... (Suddenly, Phoebe and Paige orb in beside him.) Whoa. What the... Phoebe: Hi. How you doing? Why don't we get a sky-cam view of that, shall we? (Phoebe grabs the weather man and levitates up into the air.) Weather Man: Help! Get me down from here! Kinesha: I don't know what's happening here. I... Paige: Well, it's called magic, Kinesha. Witchcraft, specifically. I really love your... jacket! (Kinesha's jacket orbs right off her back and into Paige's hands. The weather man drops down behind Kinesha. Phoebe levitates back down.) Phoebe: Wanna see more magic? Let's check in with Piper at the Golden Gate bridge. Take it away, Piper! (The Golden Gate bridge shows up on a TV screen. Then Piper steps in.) Piper: "Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the seen to become unseen." (The Golden Gate bridge vanishes.) You might wanna take an alternate route to work in the morning. [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.] Paige: Hmm, not so bad, you should get out more often. Piper: Yeah, Pheebs, time to come out of the basement. Phoebe: Maybe you're right. (The Cleaners appear.) Cleaner #1: What do you think you're doing? Are you out of your minds? Piper: Oh, hey, hi. Did you see our little magic act? Cleaner #2: How is it you still have your memory? Phoebe: Oh, I think we still have a few surprises that you don't know about. Paige: Yeah, and if you don't return our nephew, you might find out about just a few more. Cleaner #1: This is pointless. Whatever you do, we'll simply erase. Cleaner #2: Or we'll erase you. Piper: You can't. Not if you're truly neutral, that is. 'Cause you see, if you get rid of us, you'll tip the balance of power from good to evil and now that's hardly being neutral, now is it? You will give me my son back or I swear to you the only thing you'll be doing for the next fifty years is cleaning up after us. Cleaner #1: If we do return him, how do you know you'll be able to control him? Piper: I'm his mother. If anybody can, I can. (Wyatt and his playpen appear in the room. Piper goes over to him and picks him up.) Cleaner #1: Everything is as it was. We've erased all evidence of your son's magic. We'll leave him in your care. Cleaner #2: For now. Phoebe: Oh, wait, one more thing, please, if you could just do me a little teensy-weensy little favour and erase that whole riot I caused at the office. You know, 'cause I don't wanna lose my job. That would really suck. Might throw off that balance thing because I'd be distracted, you know. Cleaner #1: It's done. Good luck. Because believe me, you're going to need it. (Phoebe takes Wyatt off of Piper. The Cleaners disappear.) Phoebe: Are you okay? I'm so happy to see you. Piper: Don't smash him. Phoebe: I'm just so happy to see you. I can't help it, this is just very exciting. He's back, we're back. Paige: Coffee stain and all. Phoebe: Yeah, what are you gonna do about your job? Are you gonna keep it? Paige: Yeah, I think I will just so I can see what happens next. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Ritz Teukolsky Ruben building. Mr. Stewart's office. Mr. Stewart and Flo are there.] Flo: Exactly what are you saying? Mr. Stewart: Unless you make it worth my while, I may find your performance here lacking. Flo: Mr. Stewart, please, I need this job. Mr. Stewart: And that is why I'm giving you an opportunity to keep it, if you catch my meaning. Flo: Absolutely! You know, I like a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. Now, are you afraid to come get it? (She sexily plays with her hair.) Mr. Stewart: You mean, right here and now? Yeah? (into the intercom) Cancel my calls, please. Secretary Voice: Yes, Mr. Stewart. (Mr. Stewart stands up and heads towards Flo.) Flo: Flower pot! (The flower pot orbs over to Flo and she throws it over Mr. Stewart's head. He groans. Flo shapeshifts into Paige. She shakes her head. She opens the door and Flo is standing there.) Flo: Oh, Paige. Uh, I thought you were out... (Mr. Stewart groans.) What happened? Paige: Well, you see, I overheard Mr. Stewart threatening you. He'll be real lucky if you don't sue. Just go with it. Flo: Thanks, Paige, for whatever you just did for me in here. Paige: I was wondering why I took this job and now I know. Thank you. Flo: Thank you. [Scene: P3. Back room. Chris is there putting his shoes on. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Hey. Chris: Hey. I didn't know you were coming here. Leo: What are you still doing here, Chris? Shouldn't you be getting to know your new charge? Chris: Yeah, about that. I'm, uh, going back to what I originally said. I don't have time for her. Leo: Chris. Chris: Leo, I mean it. Because whether you believe me or not, I'm here to protect Wyatt, not other charges. Other than the sisters of course. Leo: If that's how you feel about it I guess I'll reassign her. Chris: Thank you. (Leo orbs out.) [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper is there sitting on a rocking chair holding Wyatt.]

Plan: A: Wyatt; Q: Who inadvertently brings a dragon to life? A: Cleaners; Q: What group takes Wyatt away? A: magic; Q: What are the Cleaners dedicated to protecting? A: Paige; Q: Who is the third sister? A: a spell; Q: What do the sisters cast to return their memory? Summary: When Wyatt inadvertently brings a dragon to life, the Cleaners, a neutral group dedicated to protecting magic from being exposed, take him away and erase all signs and memories of his existence. Aware that they are forgetting something important but not sure of what it is, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige cast a spell to return their memory. The sisters then set out to expose magic, to strike up a deal with the Cleaners.

Ted (2030): Kids, when you are 20, going out with someone that's great, but reached 30 years, we realize that everyone has baggage. Of course, you can choose to ignore it, but sooner or later... (Ted saunters along with a woman.) Woman: That's my ex, sorry. We try to remain friends. Hello, my chick! You have tickets to Maui? (She carries a bag with writing "in love with her ex.") (Credits) Ted (2030): That spring, I began to see Royce. She was beautiful, intelligent... (Later that night... Ted is with Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney at MacLaren's.) Ted: Anyway... We were happy together. Lily: What... Ted: That's it. This is the problem. Barney: Her ass? Marshall: Big? Lily: Small? Robin: This is an access problem? Ted: There will always be a bag. Even if it goes well, it ends one day by spoiling. Barney: Once in 30 years. Ted: When I discover his luggage. I feel it. I do not know what it is, but when I know, it'll be over. Barney: Please, tell me you repliest not emotional baggage. Ted: It's a good thing? Barney: The emotional baggage is the foundation of American cultural export the most important. All: The p0rn. Barney: Actually, the p0rn. Only women with major baggage make p0rn. Ted and Robin: Major Baggage. Robin: Everyone has one. You should know the face. Ted: Really? The last time I overcame a background, it was that of a certain Stella, and, damn, I draw a blank. How did it end? (Flashback) Ted (2030): This is how. I gave him my request, she said yes.We were happy. And I's wedding day, her ex, karate teacher, Tony Grafanello, showed up, he declared his love, Stella and fled with him, leaving me there, my heart completely broken. (End flashback) Lily: What happened is horrible, it does not mean that is the case for everyone. Marshall: Content that will be encountered young, not to be. Lily: Issues mother. Marshall: Not at all. Ted: From grandmother. Marshall: Certainly not. Barney: On the great grandmother. Marshall: I do not like it myself cuddly. Robin: And you know your worst baggage? You're too nice. Marshall: It's not a nice bag? Robin: You've already looked walking down the street? Marshall: I know not what to answer. Robin: I'll help. (Flashback) (Marshall is in the street and greet people.) Marshall: I'll help you. (It helps a man to repair his bike) That should do it. Guys, not today. It would be... (He begins to dance) (End flashback) Marshall: It's normal. Barney: There is a street where it's normal. One clue: a giant yellow bird lives on. Ted: I would love that one bag of Royce or she is nice. Barney: Gentile? This is the worst baggage. The best: she hates her father, and she believes to be big, but no. Steamy s*x at first date, and have brekky, she left. Why are you with me? Ted (2030): That night, with Royce, I waited to see what would be his luggage. (Royce and Ted are in the apartment.) Royce: Spaghetti is your specialty? Ted: It does not beat my pancakes. I'll make once. There are incredible. Royce: My father made me pancakes complete... Thanks to him, I worked in p0rn. You know? "Parents Offering Recognition, Nutrition and Order"? A charity for teens who do not have access to sport or healthy food. Reminds me... I killed my brother... with this joke last night. A barber, a stripper and a pediatric psychiatrist..., walk into a bar. Ted (2030): I searched and searched, but apparently there was no luggage so I had to worry about, until we go see a movie. (Marshall and Lily meet Robin at the bar.) Robin: What took you so, one time! Marshall: It's nothing. Forget. Lily: It was on his way and Marshall wanted to stop to help guys to load their van. Marshall: To be nice. It cost nothing. Lily: And when the van is gone, which shows up if it is not the owner of the apartment, which had just been robbed help. And that was hard to explain to the police. Robin: That's what I meant. New York is not a small town, friendly, crime-free, inbred, in the woods, with cows lost in Minnesota, where you've grown. Marshall: No crime? In 1994, the cashier of the grocery store was robbed. Besides, I like being friendly, okay? I will change not it. Lily: Do not change, baby. I find it pure. Pure. (Marshall gets up to the counter) Mashed mother of God is a moron sometimes. He lent them money to refuel. Robin: He gave them money? Lily: Not given, lent. They said they would send a check, so Marshall gave our address. What prevents them from coming home one night, and maybe tie me? With Marshall, sometimes we pretend for real but it's terrifying. Robin: Why would you tell her anything? Lily: What interest? He's from Minnesota. The mascot of his high school, it was a hug. Marshall is back with a beer while Ted joined them in turn. Robin: What was with Royce? Ted: Interesting. We went to this new film The Future Bride. Marshall: Was it good?! Not that I'm interested. This is for girls.But it could take me there, like, 7:10 p.m. at the session tomorrow, 9:40 p.m. where because of my meeting. But I will leave soon, we will try to 7:10 p.m.. Robin: What's the movie about, anyway? Ted: This is where it's interesting. (Flashback) Man: Big sucks, I'm Jed Mosley! I am the architect's most powerful and corrupt New York. I want... (He spills his coffee) It's gonna leave a job! (End flashback) Ted: It's about me. Lily: The Future Bride talking about you? Marshall: You sure it's you? When I saw The Wild History of space, I would have sworn... Ted: This is my story. It is written by Tony Grafanello. Robin: Tony Grafanello? This is... Ted: With him that Stella is gone. This film tells the story of our breakup. Robin: Why would he make a film? It's not him, the villain? Lily: Yes, nice and called Ted Mosby. Ted: It's funny, it's also my recollection. But according to the film... (Flashback) Voices: Mr. Mosley, your fiancee is here. Jed Mosley: Great, the ball and chain. I look forward to her moving from her home in New Jersey to live in an apartment above a bar. It falls! What do I owe this pleasure? Stella: We had to go taste the wedding cakes, remember? Jed: Bluntly not, doll. (He falls off his chair.) (End flashback) Marshall: I'm stunned. Ted: Right? Marshall: That's comedies these days? I fall off my chair! I really fell off my chair. It was funny. Robin: What idiot. He chose a beautiful girl for my role? Ted: You're not in it. Robin: What a jerk! Ted: No, Tony is not stupid. Well, not after the movie. (Flashback) Stella: I'm getting married. Sorry, Tony. Tony: Stella, your happiness is all that matters to me, except his poor children I care volunteer. Royce: I love it. Stella: It's not so easy. Jed Mosley is perhaps not as beautiful as you, or as big... Ted: I'm bigger than him. Stella: And s*x is horrible. Once he fell asleep in the middle. Ted: Once. I was on medication! Royce: What? Ted: Nothing. (End flashback) [SCENE_BREAK] Ted: This movie is really rotten! And everything is wrong!Remember my request? This spontaneous moment in the game room, I had no ring, so I gave him a teddy? Lily: It was cute. Marshall: And romantic. Robin: A little cutesy. Ted: That's how it was in the movie... (Flashback) Jed: If it makes you shut up, I think we can get married. Stella: You do not give me the ring? Jed: Bluntly not, doll. You pass it the finger. (End flashback) Ted: And the hot date 2 minutes? When I condensed a romantic rendezvous in 2 minutes to go with the busy schedule of Stella? Lily: You're a good guy. Marshall: It was really nice. Robin: And a little cutesy. Ted: According to the film... (Flashback) Stella: And our romantic weekend? Jed: Bluntly not, doll. Can I suggest a date of 2 minutes, if you know what I mean. Naked! (End flashback) Marshall: If you know what you do, 2 minutes. Lily: Word expert. Ted: But the worst... the worst... it was the end. They are to marry... (Flashback) Priest: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley as legitimate spouses? (End flashback) Marshall: Tell not the end! This is what I would say, if ever, I wanted to see a movie as bad. Continues. Ted: So they are to marry... (Flashback) Tony: Stella! Stella: Tony! Jed: Tony? Tony: I must say something. Long ago, I left this beautiful daughter, Stella, to escape. And now she is with this jerk who does not appreciate the true value of this beautiful bride. Ted: What is your problem? Jed: You can not talk to me like that! I'm Ted Mosley! Ted: He said "Ted", right? Tony: Stella, I promised you'd be my wife. And I would keep that promise. Stella: Everything I wanted in my life was your love. Priest: Go ahead, darling, kiss him. Tony: If you still love me... Would you be my bride? Stella: Bluntly, doll. (She kisses him.) Jed: Stop! Dad! Children: Take that, Ted Mosby! Ted: Okay, he really said this time around. Royce: It was too much. I laugh, I cry. This is cinema, but it would not tell real people? It was so real! Why did you say "Oh, no" early in the film? Ted (2030): This is where I realized that everyone has baggage, including me. Ted: Nothing. (End flashback) Lily: You must tell your story with Stella Royce. It will be released at one time or another. Ted: Why? So why should it? Robin: Because it is past the fifth most profitable films. Ted: I do not care. I will take it to my grave. It's a silly movie anyway! Lily: He looks like zero. Robin: I'll never see him out of friendship for you. Ted (2030): Children, you see more. (Barney, Lily and Robin are the movies.) Tony: She made her choice. Do not worry. I will not come to marriage. Jed: You'll come! I'll take you there myself and force you to watch! Tony: The code. Barney: That's exactly what happened. It was all good. Even the thing with nunchakus. Ted (2030): I was determined to make this film as far from me as possible. Unfortunately... (Ted, Royce are the bar with friends.) Royce: It was not great the bride? Woman: I too loved it! Man: We'll see tomorrow. Royce: It may come? Want to see it again? Ted: Yeah, that was good. Royce: "Good"? Rather perfect! The only thing, and for me it is a very small defect, compared to other films, is that I understand why Stella wants to marry a guy like Jed Mosley. Just the name of this guy: Jed Mosley... Woman: Royce, you're out with Jed Mosley, too. Royce: Who has not? It is a sacred number. A butterfly tattoo, how to pronounce this encyclopedia. Man and woman: "Encyclopaedie". Ted: Bluntly. Well, technically, this is the correct pronunciation. Royce: I was so happy that this loser is done let go before the altar. You know why? Because he saw it coming. And the best part is that he will live a long, sad life, knowing he has lost his only chance of happiness. And when he gets beaten up by the goat? Woman: Too funny! Ted: Bluntly! Royce: What a loser! Ted: Bluntly! This guy's life was ruined by humiliation before the world. Too funny! It will take years before you can watch his family in front. It must be so traumatized that never again will he love or trust someone. It was insane! Get Moving, Adolf Hitler, a new king has arrived! Royce: Ted, you're okay? Ted: I thought you would be interested to learn some stuff about this movie that you love. It is rotten. And you are all stupid to love. Royce: It was really bad, you should apologize. Ted stood up: Bluntly not Carrément doll... not... (Marshall, Lily, Robin and Ted are in the apartment.) Lily: You said "not altogether, doll?" Marshall: You really used the phrase Jed Mosley? Ted: I know! I was so excited... How do you know it's his sentence? Marshall: I wanted to see Avatar. Ted: It's good. I will emigrate to a country where nobody saw the bride. Robin: Good luck. This film is international, it's great. Lily: Maybe North Korea? Robin: I read that Kim Jong, he says it's his second favorite movie. Just after he made a film where the horse in slow motion. Lily: Sorry, Ted, you're screwed. Marshall: No, you know, Ted is not screwed. You know why I'm nice? Because I'm crazy baggage people. Most people see another person with this big suitcase, and they spend doing nothing. But not me. I look at them and say, "Hi, stranger. Can I help you? "And you know who taught me to be like that? A Ted Mosby. A decent and sincere guy who has faith. And you know what, Ted? Inside you, you're still that guy. Ted: I still am. Marshall: You wanna go get that girl. Ted: I want to go get that girl. Marshall: For it is the love of your life. Ted: Because it is... Yeah, well... We had 3 rencards. It's nice. Marshall: Because she's nice. Ted: It's really nice! You're right, Marshall. I have to go retrieve it.And I know exactly where it is. (He runs out.) (Royce is the cinema.) Tony: The wedding is in 15 minutes. I'll never make it. Child: You can do Sensei. Give a roundhouse kick to love. Live in the heart. Tony: You're right. What am I doing? There is still time! (Tony Short and Ted does the same when it comes to the movies.) Priest: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley as legitimate spouses? (Ted stands in front of the screen.) Ted: Royce! Royce: Ted? Barney: Ted? Ted: Barney? Tony: I must say something. Ted: I must say something. Long ago, I left that horrible daughter, Stella, break my heart. And now she is with this jerk who wrote a movie about it and this movie is called... The Future Bride. Royce: What do you mean? Jed: You can not talk to me like that! Ted: I'm Jed Mosley. But Royce, missed it... in that cowboy boots red, it's not me. Barney: To be clear, you're saying that you do not have boots red cowboy? Ted: What... Barney: I wanted... People want to know. Ted: They are burgundy in fact. I promised I'd make pancakes.And... I would keep that promise. Royce: All I wanted was some pancakes this week. Barney: Come on, darling, kiss him. Ted (2030): Barney did not say "kiss". Still not "kiss". Man: You must go! Barney: This is outrageous. Thou hast embraced evil! Ted: Royce, if you... (Tony Stella, if you still love me...) Ted: Do I always appreciate... Would you like me to make pancakes? Royce: Bluntly, doll. (She gets up and goes to kiss her.) Barney: Kiss it! This film is embraced anyway. Ted: That happened to me, it was pretty hard. I am not fully recovered. Royce: Let me help you. Ted (2030): And like that, kids, my luggage no longer seemed so heavy. Everyone has his baggage, it's part of life. But like everything else, it's easier when someone helps us. (Ted Royce and are sitting on the couch.) Ted: It feels good to have you said those things. I'm happy to open myself to you. Royce: It's not that important. Me too, I was let go before the altar. Three times. The last time, because I lost all our money at poker. That's why I live with my brother. Ted: Wait, I thought you had a very small studio. Royce: Just the two of us. You'll see, he still pulls the duvet. Ted: Yeah, you need to go there.

Plan: A: The Wedding Bride; Q: What is the name of the movie that Ted takes a date to see? A: his life; Q: What is the movie "The Wedding Bride" based on? A: Tony; Q: Who wrote the movie "The Wedding Bride"? A: Stella; Q: Who left Ted at the altar? Summary: When Ted takes a date to see a new hit movie, "The Wedding Bride," he is shocked to learn the story is loosely based on his life, and that it was written by Tony, the man Stella left him for at the altar.

Broadcast: 6 December 1963 Duration: 23 minutes 38 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, It's all my fault. I'm desperately sorry... SUSAN: Oh, don't blame yourself, Grandfather. DOCTOR: (Noticing something.) Look at those, look at them... (A skull lies next to them...with a hole smashed in at the top of its head....) IAN: Yes, they're all the same. They've been split wide open... [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. MAIN CAVE (Late night. The entire tribe is asleep. Tribes-men and women are piled on furs and blankets, lying next to each other for precious warmth. One stirs - the OLD MOTHER. She gets up, looks around, and slowly sneaks toward the sleeping ZA. She leans down and takes his sharp stone knife.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (IAN is using one of the many small rocks on the floor to try and saw away at BARBARA'S binds. SUSAN crawls over to him, carrying another rock.) SUSAN: I've found another piece with a rough edge... IAN: (Eases off with a sigh of relief and takes the rock.) Oh, thank you. (He tries it on BARBARA'S bonds, then groans and tosses it aside.) IAN: Oh, it's no good! It keeps crumbling... DOCTOR: Oh, it's hopeless. Hopeless. Even if we do get free, we shall never move that stone. IAN: (Scanning the cave with his eyes.) There's air coming in here from somewhere... BARBARA: (Excited.) Yes, there is! I can feel it on my face! IAN: It may only be a small opening. Don't count on it... DOCTOR: Oh, you obviously are. IAN: Well, of course I am! Any hope is better than none! Don't just lie there criticising us, do something! Help us all to get out of here. (He tries BARBARA'S bonds again, then throws the rock away.) IAN: Oh, the stone's no good!! BARBARA: Well don't give up, Ian. Please. IAN: (After a pause.) All right. (He starts searching the ground again.) DOCTOR: No, no, don't waste time. Try those bones. They may...t-they're sharper, perhaps. IAN: That's a good idea. SUSAN: Oh Grandfather, I knew you'd think of something! DOCTOR: We must all take it in turns and try and cut his hands free. IAN: But surely we should get the girls... DOCTOR: No, no, no, we've got to free you first! You're the strongest, and you may have to defend us. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. MAIN CAVE (The OLD MOTHER starts to sneak out of the cave. But she doesn't go unnoticed - HUR stirs just long enough to see her leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. MAIN CAVE (A strong wind is howling as the OLD MOTHER walks out of the cave opening, passing a group of spears stacked against the rock and tottering off into the night.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (The DOCTOR, using a fragment of bone, is starting to make progress on IAN'S binds. He stops, panting.) DOCTOR: (Handing the fragment to SUSAN.) Susan, you have a go. My arms are tired. SUSAN: All right. (She starts on the binds as the DOCTOR lays back with a groan.) DOCTOR: And don't think of failure. BARBARA: What? DOCTOR: Well, try to remember, if you can, how you and the others got here. Concentrate on that please. BARBARA: Yes, yes, I'll try. (Blinks, realising something.) You're, you're trying to help me. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, fear makes companions of all of us, Miss Wright. BARBARA: I never once thought you were afraid. DOCTOR: Fear is with all of us, and always will be. Just like that other sensation that lives with it. BARBARA: What's that? DOCTOR: Oh, your companion referred to it. "Hope." Hope, Miss Wright. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MAIN CAVE (HUR snaps to full awakeness. She jars ZA awake.) ZA: hmmm...? (She silently motions to where the OLD MOTHER was, and then at the cave opening. She also indicates that his knife is missing. Without a word, ZA seizes up his stone axe and walks out, follows closely by HUR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (BARBARA is working at the cords on IAN'S hands now. SUSAN'S trying to bite hers off. Her gaze falls upon a hollow in the cave wall - She cries out in alarm. Some bushes and twigs in the hollow are moving, with a shadow visible within. With a grunt of effort, the OLD MOTHER pushes aside the small portcullis of branches that had covered her secret entrance. She stares at the four.) OLD MOTHER: You...will not...make fire. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. MAIN CAVE - NIGHT (ZA and HUR walk out into the night air. Nearby an animal roars.) ZA: Now tell me. HUR: I saw the old woman take your knife. ZA: Why did you let her? She is old, you could have held her. HUR: (More to herself than ZA.) Why did she take it...? ZA: (Looks out at the night horizon.) Hm. She has gone into the forest. HUR: (In realisation.) No. She's going to kill the strangers. ZA: Did she say this? HUR: No... but she took your knife. She is afraid of fire. ZA: You should have stopped her! HUR: (Intense.) Kal was in the cave! Leaders are awake when others sleep. The strange tribe will not be able to show you how to make fire if the old woman kills them. ZA: (Thinking.) Uh huh...if I stop her from killing them, they will give fire to me, and not to Kal... (He walks toward the Cave of Skulls, but stops.) ZA: The woman could not have gone into the cave. The great stone is still there! (In a rage, he shoves HUR down with one hand and raises his axe.) ZA: Why do you tell me this... HUR: No! (Suddenly, they both freeze...they hear voices on the other side of the stone. They scramble up to the rock and listen hard. HUR almost laughs. ZA'S face grows even darker.) ZA: Huh, the old woman is talking to them! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (Inside, the OLD MOTHER continues talking to the bound-up party...) OLD MOTHER: I will set you free, if you will go away and not make fire. Fire will bring trouble and death to the tribe. DOCTOR: (Nods.) There will be no fire. (Suddenly, grunting sounds come from outside...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. CAVE OF SKULLS (With every ounce of their combined strength, ZA and HUR try to push the great stone aside. After a long moment of strenuous effort, HUR is the first to weaken, sagging against the rock.) HUR: No, we, we cannot move...the great stone... ZA: The old woman is talking to them! (Pushes HUR away from the rock.) I will move it! (He puts all his strength into it, shoving against the rock's side...) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (The four travellers are freed from their bindings, SUSAN last of all.) OLD MOTHER: Hurry. Hurry!! You must go across the top and into the trees... (The four climb through the secret entrance. As the OLD MOTHER starts to follow, ZA frees the stone and runs in through the main entrance, hauling the OLD MOTHER back into the cave and seizing back his knife. HUR runs in and sees the secret way out.) HUR: She set them free! OLD MOTHER: They would have made fire! They would have made fire! (ZA starts into the entrance. With her feeble strength, OLD MOTHER tries to stop him - he pulls free, snarling...) OLD MOTHER: No! (She starts to haul him back and ZA finally loses his temper. With a yell, he flings the OLD MOTHER hard into the ground. She groans in pain, and goes limp.) ZA: They have gone into the night. HUR: They have taken fire with them. ZA: The beasts will kill them. They will kill us if we follow. (ZA is weary with resignation. He looks down at the moaning OLD MOTHER. HUR picks up his axe and thrusts it before him.) HUR: Now you are Leader. You are as strong as the beasts. You will be stronger still when you learn how fire is made. Stronger than Kal. (Her words have their intended effect and ZA runs out through the secret entrance, axe in hand. HUR quickly follows. And behind them, the OLD MOTHER strains to get back up. But her old body gives up on her, and she slumps back to the ground, exhausted.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. FOREST (NIGHT) (Through the dark forest maze, the four travellers run toward the TARDIS and safety. BARBARA leads, with SUSAN and IAN following and the DOCTOR bringing up the rear. But the old man's losing breath, and he sags against a tree. ) DOCTOR: Stop...stop...just a minute...let me get my... IAN: We can't stop here! DOCTOR: Just a moment... IAN: Look, we've got to go further on. DOCTOR: I know, I know that but I must get breathe...I must breathe... IAN: Try, try! I shall have to carry you. DOCTOR: Oh, there's no need for that! Don't be so childish - I'm not senile - just let me get my breath for a moment... (SUSAN moves to take the DOCTOR'S arm over her own and help him on his way.) SUSAN: Oh, Grandfather, come on... DOCTOR: Yes...I'm not so young, you know... SUSAN: I know. (As they start on, a very nervous BARBARA gets by IAN). BARBARA: Are you sure this is the right way? IAN: Yes, I think so. BARBARA: (Voice shaking.) I can't remember. I...I simply can't remember... (She breaks down, sobbing on IAN'S chest. IAN pats her back reassuringly.) IAN: We're free, Barbara! Think about that. Free!! BARBARA: Yes... (She calms back down. Still holding on to her, IAN starts back after the DOCTOR and SUSAN - but an echoing bellow stops the two schoolteachers' cold. They force themselves to go onward.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. FOREST (The travellers are dirty, sweaty, and exhausted. Yet still they force themselves through the thickets. And their pace is growing ever more uncertain.) SUSAN: I'm sure I remember this place...but we didn't come round it. We went across it. BARBARA: Yes, th-th-there was a sort of trail... IAN: If that's true, we must be quite near the ship. (To the DOCTOR.) How are you feeling? DOCTOR: (Waving him away.) Oh, I'm all right. Don't keep looking upon me as the weakest state of the.. (BARBARA suddenly stops, gasping in terror. IAN grabs her, looking where she is looking.) IAN: What's the matter? BARBARA: I don't know. I don't know. Something over there, in the bushes... DOCTOR: (Trying to hide his fright.) Oh, what nonsense! BARBARA: (Going hysterical.) The bushes moved! I saw them! I saw them! Oh, we're never going to get out of this awful place! Never, never, never... (IAN hugs her, trying to calm her down.) SUSAN: (To the DOCTOR.) What do you think she could have seen, Grandfather? DOCTOR: No! Sheer nonsense, child. Imagination. IAN: ...no we won't. We're going to get back to the ship, and then we'll be safe. BARBARA: (Sobbing.) Oh Ian, what's happening to us? IAN: Look, Barbara! We got out of the cave, didn't we? (A growl rumbles through the forest.) SUSAN: I'm so cold. DOCTOR: (Mopping his head with a handkerchief.) Oh, I'm hot with all this exertion. IAN: We'll rest for a couple of minutes. SUSAN: Oh, good. Is there any chance of them following us? DOCTOR: I expect so. IAN: Yes. That's why I don't want to stop here too long. DOCTOR: Do you think I want to? IAN: No. We'll change the order - you and Susan go in front, Barbara and I will bring up the rear. Susan seems to remember the way better than any of us. DOCTOR: (Snorts.) You seem to have elected yourself leader of this little party. IAN: There isn't time to vote on it. DOCTOR: Just as long as so you understand that I won't follow your orders blindly... IAN: If there were only two of us, you could find your own way back to the ship! DOCTOR: Aren't you are a tiresome young man! IAN: And you're a stubborn old man! But you will lead, the girls in between, and I'll bring up the rear because that's the safest way! Barbara was probably right. I thought I heard something when we stopped back there. DOCTOR: Oh, sheer imagination. IAN: (Exasperated.) Why are you so confident about it!? DOCTOR: Cos I won't allow myself to be frightened out of my wits by mere shadows. That's all! IAN: Oh alright! (He storms away from IAN and back to the two huddled women who are sat on the ground. IAN follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. FOREST (ZA and HUR race through the forest, their every sense trained on the ground ahead. HUR stops and points downward.) HUR: Look! There is a branch broken! ZA: They have strange feet... HUR: They wear skins on their feet. ZA: (Points along the ground.) There are marks here. HUR: They've gone this way. (A cacophony of animal noises rumble through the forest. ZA and HUR look up, slightly disturbed.) ZA: It was wrong to do this. We should not have followed them. HUR: We cannot turn back now. (A look of agreement from ZA. The two set on through the forest.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. FOREST (The travellers are still resting. IAN gets to his feet.) IAN: I think we'd better get going. Doctor, will you lead? DOCTOR: (Still fanning himself with the handkerchief, gets up.) Yes, yes yes yes. IAN: Come on, Barbara. (He helps her up but as they start onward, BARBARA stumbles and falls with a groan upon a bush. Right in front of the blood-splattered warthog.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. FOREST (BARBARA'S scream can be heard where ZA and HUR are.) ZA: Down here! That was one of the women, huh! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. FOREST (IAN helps a distraught BARBARA to her knees, and holds her.) IAN: Barbara, Barbara... SUSAN: (Touching the creature gingerly.) A dead animal. DOCTOR: Its just been killed. And by a larger animal too! (ZA and HUR are almost in reach of them. The rustling of branches alerts IAN.) IAN: Shhh. That must be them. They've followed us - quick, quick, over there! (The party rushes across the path and out of sight. A few moments later, ZA and HUR appear. The travellers are perched behind a tree, watching the two cautious tribes-people.) IAN: Keep down, and not a sound... (ZA and HUR turn in a complete circle, scanning the shrubbery for any sign of the four strangers. The sound of a growl can be heard. HUR squints at something, and starts forward...) ZA: (Stops her.) Wait! There is danger. I will go. (Hefting his axe, he starts in the direction HUR had indicated. He moves slowly, toward a rustling bush that suddenly moves -- Both tribes-people scream as the creature pounces on him. The travellers watch in horror as the sounds of struggle and terror reach them. They climb as one to their feet...) IAN: Quick, now's our chance! Let's get away! Run! (BARBARA grabs at IAN. She won't leave ZA wounded. They all argue at once.) BARBARA: I don't care what they've done!! IAN: Barbara! (HUR is sobbing nearby.) IAN: Barbara, come on! BARBARA: (Shakes her head violently.) I think he's dead...there isn't any danger. IAN: Barbara! For heaven's sake! BARBARA: No! (She rips free of IAN and runs towards ZA and HUR, IAN lunges after her.) SUSAN: I'm going too... (The DOCTOR tries to hold SUSAN back.) DOCTOR: Susan, you stay here with me... SUSAN: No, Grandfather, we can't le... DOCTOR: Silence, we're going back to the ship! SUSAN: No! (She also pushes herself towards the wounded tribesman.) DOCTOR: What are you doing!? They must be out of their minds!! (The battle is over, and the creature has retreated back into the wood. ZA lies prone, moaning, his chest criss-crossed with jagged claw wounds. HUR is hunched over him, howling sounds of grief. She reacts as IAN approaches, knife in hand .) HUR: No, keep away! IAN: Let me look at him. HUR: No! IAN: I am your friend, you understand? Friend. I want to help you. (HUR looks uncertain.) HUR: Friend...? IAN: I want water. HUR: Water... IAN: Go and fetch some water for his wounds. HUR: (A moment, decide and points behind her.) Water is there. BARBARA: Please, show me. (To IAN.) Give me your handkerchief. IAN: (Getting handkerchief out.) There you are. (BARBARA takes it and leads HUR with her out of view. IAN opens the caveman's furs wider to take a better look at the wounds. The DOCTOR still stands by their hiding spot. A pleading look from SUSAN finally brings him up to the party. HUR and BARBARA return with the now wet handkerchief.) SUSAN: Is he all right...? IAN: I think so. (He pulls the stone axe out of ZA'S hand. The stone blade is noticeably missing.) IAN: He must have buried his axehead in the animal. (He takes the handkerchief from BARBARA.) IAN: Thank you. (He squeezes it over ZA'S chest, dripping water down on the wounds. BARBARA has wet down her own handkerchief and uses it on ZA's forehead.) HUR: (Amazed.) Water comes out of the skin! IAN: (Laughing.) Yes. (He wipes away at the chest wounds.) IAN: I think most of this is the animal's blood. SUSAN: Oh, good. BARBARA: There's a scar on the side of his head... IAN: Well, we've lost our chance of getting away. (Amused - to BARBARA.) Your flat must be littered with stray cats and dogs... BARBARA: They are human beings, Ian. IAN: Yes. (He touches a raw spot, making ZA moan loudly. The two schoolteachers try to keep him still as HUR whimpers.) DOCTOR: (Stepping forward.) What exactly do you think you're doing? IAN: Have you got any antiseptic in the ship? SUSAN: Yes, lots. DOCTOR: One minute ago, we were trying desperately to get away from these savages -- IAN: All right. Now we're helping them. You're a doctor, do something! DOCTOR: (Scoffs.) I'm not a doctor of medicine. SUSAN: Grandfather, we can make friends with them. DOCTOR: Oh don't be ridiculous, child! BARBARA: (Angry.) Why? You treat everybody and everything as something less important than yourself!? DOCTOR: You're trying to say that everything you do is reasonable and everything I do is inhuman. But I'm afraid your judgement's at fault here, Miss Wright. Not mine. Haven't you realised if these two people can follow these, or any of these people can follow us, the whole tribe might descend upon us at any moment? HUR: The tribe is asleep! DOCTOR: And what about the old woman who cut our bonds, hmm? You understand? (HUR thinks about it but can't add it up...she looks at IAN in confusion.) IAN: He's right. We're too exposed here. (Gets up.) We'll make a stretcher and carry him. DOCTOR: (Aghast.) You're not going to take him back to the ship? IAN: (Taking off his coat.) Take your coat off, Barbara. Susan, try to find me two poles. Long ones, fairly straight. BARBARA: (To the Doctor.) The old woman won't give us away. She helped us. DOCTOR: You think so? They have logic and reason, have they? Can't you see their minds change as rapidly as night and day? She's probably telling the whole tribe at this very moment! [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (The OLD MOTHER stirs, starting to pull herself up. But KAL is there and roughly grabs at her.) KAL: The creatures...where? Where? OLD MOTHER: (Weakly.) Gone... KAL: (Motioning to the entrance.) The great stone...they did not move it. OLD MOTHER: (Weakly.) Za moved it. KAL: Za has gone with them! OLD MOTHER: Za...and Hur...went after them... KAL: There were skins around their hands and their feet. They could not move! (KAL'S hand clamps down on the weak old woman's neck.) KAL: Za helped them get free...? They have gone with Za to show him fire? OLD MOTHER: (Shakes her head.) They will not make fire...there won't be fire anymore... (KAL tosses aside. She sits on her knees, swaying. He seizes her by the scruff of her neck and pulls her head back toward him. He unsheathes his stone knife, aiming it at her heart.) KAL: Old woman...you...helped them... [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. FOREST (The efforts to construct a makeshift stretcher continue, but...) IAN: It's not going to work like this... (SUSAN gets up and takes off her own coat. Bundling it up into a pillow, she starts to put it under ZA's head .) HUR: (Jumps at her.) Nnnoo! He is mine! (SUSAN jumps back, yelping. She huddles near IAN.) SUSAN: I was only trying to help!! IAN: She doesn't understand, Susan. She's jealous of you! HUR: I don't understand what you are doing! You are like a...like a mother to the child. Why do you not kill?? IAN: How can we explain to her? She doesn't understand kindness, friendship... BARBARA: (Slowly and gently to HUR.) We will make him well again. We will teach you how to make fire. In return, you show us the way back to...to our cave. (HUR is uncertain. She looks down at ZA.) ZA: (Very weak.) Listen to them. They do not kill... (HUR thinks again. IAN decides not to wait for the answer.) IAN: Come on, let's get on with this stretcher. Let's try the sleeves inside...that's it... ZA: (Hoarse.) Water... (HUR murmurs in the affirmative to him. She gets up, only to face the haughty stare of the DOCTOR. Matching the stare, she goes on toward the pool.) IAN: (Notices.) How about giving us a hand, Doctor? (The DOCTOR turns his back on the party.) SUSAN: He's always like this if he doesn't get his own way. (Unseen, a faint smile whispers across the DOCTOR'S face. He turns to face the party again.) BARBARA: Well, the old woman won't give us away. And now that we've got these two on our side, we should get back to the ship. SUSAN: Yes. (The DOCTOR kneels down, picks up ZA's stone knife - IAN'S hand seizes the DOCTOR'S wrist.) DOCTOR: Get your hand off me! IAN: What are you doing? DOCTOR: (Stammering.) W-well, I-I-I was going to get him to draw our way back to the TARDIS. (Glaring suspiciously at the DOCTOR, IAN lets him go.) IAN: We've been too long as it is. Is the stretcher ready? BARBARA: Yes. IAN: All right. (To the DOCTOR.) You take one end of it. DOCTOR: You don't expect me to carry him, do you? IAN: Do you want the women to do the job for you? DOCTOR: (Snarling.) Oh, very well!! (The party gathers around ZA.) IAN: Right, move him over very carefully... (ZA groans as they turn him. HUR cries out in sympathy.) IAN: Now, back again, gently... BARBARA: Carefully... (They deposit him on the stretcher, using one of the furs to wrap him in.) IAN: Good, good. Right, now Susan, you get in front with her. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. MAIN CAVE (The whole tribe is awake and astir. KAL addresses them.) KAL: They have gone! Za with Hur have gone with them and we must go after them. HORG: Hur would not help them to get away! KAL: She has gone with them! HORG: The old woman sleeps in the cave too, and she has gone! KAL: The old woman is in the Cave of Skulls. HORG: Hur would not go with them! KAL: Ask the old woman. She will tell what is done! [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. FOREST (The party is making halting progress with the stretcher -- IAN, BARBARA and SUSAN on one end, HUR and the DOCTOR on the other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (The OLD MOTHER sits with her back to the tribes-people. KAL nudges her.) KAL: She will tell. (The old woman falls on her back - dead. There are murmured gasps from the gathered tribe. HORG kneels down Beside her and looks up at KAL.) KAL: My eyes tell me what has happened. As they do when I sleep, and I see things. Za and Hur came to free them and find a way to make fire. The old woman saw them. Za killed the old woman! (The crowd mutters. HORG looks stricken.) HORG: The old woman is dead. (A groan issues from the tribe.) It must have been as your eyes said it was. KAL: (Gets up and addresses the tribe.) Za has gone with them, taking them to their cave! Za takes away fire! (Shouts.) Now, I - Kal - lead! (The crowd roars in approval. KAL tears out of the cave, the tribe following closely.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. DESERT (NIGHT) (The party has finally reached the end of the forest.) IAN: Hold the branches back, Susan. (SUSAN pushes away the last of the tree branches, to a welcome sight...) SUSAN: The TARDIS! There's the TARDIS! (Suddenly, several of the tribe rise from places of concealment, their spears ready...) IAN: Back! Get back! (They turn - to face KAL, several cavemen at his side. BARBARA screams...)

Plan: A: two humble teachers; Q: What were Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton? A: 1963; Q: What year did Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton meet Susan Foreman? A: a bright student; Q: What kind of student is Susan? A: her upbringing; Q: What do Barbara and Ian want to know about Susan? A: a junkyard; Q: What do Barbara and Ian find when they go to Susan's home? A: the Doctor; Q: What is Susan's grandfather called? A: his and Susan's otherworldly origins; Q: What do the teachers know too much about? A: his TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor use to travel through space and time? Summary: Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton, two humble teachers during 1963, are surprised by a bright student named Susan Foreman. Feeling inquisitive of her upbringing, they seek out her residence to learn who nurtured such a genius. There, they discover a junkyard inhabited by her grandfather, simply known as "the Doctor", and he doesn't want them lurking about. When the teachers refuse to leave, they discover that an ordinary police box is actually bigger on the inside. The Doctor decides they know too much about his and Susan's otherworldly origins and takes them on a journey across space and time in his TARDIS, the place he and Susan now call home.

[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Eve and Dawson are there watching videos, and making out on his bed.] Dawson: This isn't... , Working out exactly the way I planned. Um... The whole point of us spending normal time together was to actually talk and get to know each other. Eve: And then can we have s*x? Dawson: I'm not ruling it out, I'm just-- you know... First things first. Movie night we're supposed to watch movies. Eve: I prefer TV. Dawson: You've got to be kidding. Eve: Actually, no. Dawson: But...Movies are an art form. T, this is just the pab um they stick between beer commercials. Eve: Don't be such a snob, Dawson. I mean, a TV show is just like a movie... Except shorter... With built-in bathroom breaks, and you get a new sequel every week. Dawson: Sequels I hate on principle. Eve: Then suit yourself. I'm hooked. Dawson: Oh... All right, you know what? Take Felicity, for example. Aw, come on, if you've seen one hour of whiny, over analytical teen angst, you've seen them all. Don't get me wrong. She's pretty, but what kind of a heroine is she? Well, she's-- she's indecisive. She's basically...Paralyzed by some romantic notion of the way things are supposed to be. If you ask me, she kind of chatty. Eve: She's you. Dawson: Excuse me? Eve: She's you, Dawson. Except she's in college and a girl and... Dawson: A fictional character on a television show. Eve: Exactly. Think about it. You're straight out of central casting. Perfect hair, perfect skin-- our hero. Dawson: Well, obviously you weren't watching last season. It was far from perfect. You know, which is, in general, my complaint about television. It's not reality, it's perfection. I mean, nobody ever blows it or gets tested in any real way or ever makes the wrong choice or bad choice or... [She kisses him then grabs the remote.] [Television turns off] Eve: Don't you know that's where I come in? You know, second season, shake things up. Screw the status quo. Dawson: Ah, a temptress... Who will test our hero's very moral fiber. Eve: Will he survive unscathed? Stay tuned. Dawson: You know what else I hate about television? They always cut to commercial at the best part. [Opening Credits] [Scene: Joey's Bed room. She is asleep in bed, and her alarm clock is going off.] [Ringing] [ringing stops] [Joey Gets up throws on her shoes, and runs to class. We come to the door, and there is a sign on it saying PSAT testing in Process. She sees Dawson in the room taking the test. And begins banging on the glass.] Joey: Dawson. Dawson! Dawson! [She starts banging on the glass more.] Joey: Dawson! Dawson! [Alarm ringing] Radio: Good morning. It's 6:45, and it's 65 degrees... [Joey wakes from her dream up and turns off the alarm.] [Scene: Andie's House. She is doing exercises in front of the TV.] TV: Another glorious day on the cape. Coming up next, as millions of teens around the country cram for this weekend's exam, we'll talk with John Katzman, author of the best-selling Cracking the PSAT. [Andie grabs a book next to her.] Andie: One step ahead of you, baby. TV: For your college bound teenager in this most competitive year ever. Andie: Competitive, ha! Try this on for size. Dogmatic. Synonyms: Single-minded, stubborn, obdurate, adamant. Antonyms would be... [Scene: The sidewalk outside School. Jack and Jen walking to school, and quizzing one another.] Jen: Wishy-washy, ambivalent, um...Equivical. What, you thought that dawson was the only one with such a prolific vocabulary? Jack: No, I just didn't think we really had to study. With our new found extracurricular activities. Jen: Easy, tiger. You haven't won that football scholarship yet. Ok, your turn. Pick a card, any card. [he picks a card] Ok, nonchalant. Jack: Ok. The synonyms would be... Carefree, languid... [Scene: Inside the School, library. A study session is going on.] Student: Oblivious. Principal Green: Ok, good. Now antonyms. Mr. Leery. Dawson: Alert, attentive, concerned. That is, provided you believe that the PSAT is a true measure of intelligence and not a culturally- biased weapon against the poor and disenfranchised. Principal Green: That's a good point, Dawson. Standardized testing isn't perfect. In fact some might say that it's designed to trip you up... Mess with your mind, generally convince you that you're not as smart as you think you are. But if you want to go to college, it's the only game in town. [Bell rings] Principal Green: All right, hang on, hang on. Now, look, don't forget. Tomorrow: Sample math section. Ok, I need you to bring a number 2 pencil and your brains, both of them sharpened. Thank you very much. [The students start to leave.] Principal Green: Uh, Joey, would you hang on for a moment, please? [Scene: School Hallway. Andie is walking down the halls looking at her notes.] Andie: Belligerence... Uh...Cryp— [She turns the corner and runs into Pacey.] Pacey: Oh! Andie: God is not orless. Pacey: Ow! Damn. Andie: [Sighs] don't worry, Pacey. This isn't going to be one of those horribly awkward hope-boy-didn't-mean- all-those-hurtful-things- he-said-during-the-breakup moment. Pacey: Well, that's a relief, 'cause I sure don't want to play the guy-feels-guilty- about-breakup-even-though- it-was-girl-who-had-an-affair- with-the-mental-patient scene. Andie: Fair enough. Pacey: Not that it's any my business anymore, Andie, but have you ever heard of over preparing for a test? Andie: What, as opposed to not preparing at all? Pacey: As opposed to making yourself crazy over something with the word "practice" in front of it. Andie: If you want to throw away everything we've-- I mean, you've worked for... That's fine by me. Pacey: Here. Me, on the other hand, I am not gonna let our little bump in the road throw me off my chosen course. See you around. [Scene: School Library. Principal Green is talking to Joey alone.] Principal Green: You keep your wits about you, Joey, and you got a legitimate shot at a national merit scholarship. Joey: Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me... And telling me and telling me. Principal Green: Too much pressure on you, huh? Joey: [Sighs] I couldn't sleep again last night. Principal Green: Hmm. Trust me, I know. I've been there. Joey: I just keep thinking that if I don't ace this exam, I'm going to end up making beds and cleaning toilets at the dead end motel for the rest of my life. Principal Green: Listen, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the night off... Just to relax. I don't know. Hang out with a friend. Rent a Movie. You're going to do just fine. You're going to do better than fine... And the faculty and I have all the confidence in the world in you. [Scene: School Hallway. Dawson is at his locker and Joey comes up to him.] Joey: Dawson. Dawson: Joey, hi. Joey: Um, since we've agreed to peace with honor, would it be against the rules of engagement to ask for your help? Dawson: Of course not. Joey: Good. 'Cause I could use some. Dawson: What do you need? Joey: I don't know. A night of mindless entertainment. Um, Jurassic Park or maybe one of those meteorite-asteroid- atomic-bomb movies where Bruce Willis or George Clooney or someone with a receding hairline somehow manages to save the entire planet without breaking a sweat. I just need something to take my mind off the test. Dawson: Yeah, you've got a lot riding on it, I know. Joey: Uh, just my entire future. Dawson: You tell me when and where. Joey: How about tonight? Dawson: Tonight? Um... [Eve comes up from down the hall.] Eve: Hey, sports fans. Joey: How's 9:00? Dawson: Uh... Um, actually, tonight, she and I were thinking that, um... Hey, why--why don't you come with us? Joey: Yeah. I might, um... On another planet, in a different universe. No offense. Ha. Eve: What was that about? [Scene: Football field. Mitch is working the team through some exercises.] Mitch: I'd appreciate some contact, people! Come off the ground hard and pop, pop! Put some hurt on! Execute! You're up, McPhee. Henry: All right, Jack, you can do this. Now, just remember, when you're hit, button up, become fetal. Hug that ball. Jack: Hug that ball! Hug that ball. Hug that ball. teammate: Take it to him. [Whistle blows] [Jack runs and gets tackled.] Mitch: How to hit, baby! How to hit! Get up, McPhee. You're defacing the landscape. Again. Jack: Come on, coach. Can't you see what's goin' on here? They're singling me out. Mitch: Yeah, but not for the reasons you think. Jack: Give me a break. It's obvious. Mitch: Look, jack, gay or straight, you are still the new kid on the block, and you are not protecting the football the way that you should. Now do it again. Mcphee! 3-point stance! [Whistle blows] [He run's through several tackles before finally going down again.] Henry: Can you hear me, Jack? Jack, you know where you are? How many fingers? Jack: I think I'm gonna hurl. [Scene: The Marina, where Joey works. Rob is telling her a story.] Rob: I mean, this guy's not exactly what you would call a ladies' man. Heh. But I tell him, it is easy. There's only one rule, plain and simple: Give the ladies what they want. Joey: How about giving me what I want, rob? Rob: I thought you'd never ask. Joey: Friday night off so I can study for the Psats. They're Saturday. Rob: Yeah, sure. Why not? No sweat. I remember what it was like. Of course, I didn't take the PSATs. Joey: What, daddy built the university? Rob: No, no. Just endowed it. Actually, I hired a ringer. Seriously. Paid some brainiac a couple thousand dollars to take it for me. Won me a scholarship, too. Joey: Well, since I don't have that kind of cash... Thank you. I owe you one. Rob: Well, uh, here's a thought. You let me take you out for a post-PSAT celebration. Saturday night. You and me. Joey: Uh, thanks, but, um... Husband doesn't really like me seeing other people. Rob: Oh, sure. Thought you were gonna say you had to wash your hair. Joey: No, that's Wednesdays. Actually, Rob, the truth is... I'm a lesbian. Rob: Oh... Anyone I know? So, is it a date? Saturday night. What do ya say? Joey: Would it be all right if I just said no? Rob: Yeah. Sure thing, Potter. No problem. [Scene: Outside the window to Dawson's Room. Eve pops her head in the window.] Dawson: I was starting to worry about you. Eve: I was searching for the perfect apple. Go ahead take a bite. See if it tastes as good as it looks. Dawson: And if I do? Eve: You will forever know the difference between good and evil. Get out here, Dawson. It's a beautiful night. [He climbs out the window to sit on the roof next to her.] Dawson: [Sighs] Well, I haven't been out here since... Since Joey and I were— Eve: Joey? You mean the ubiquitous brunette? The one who hasn't yet learned the power and sway she holds over the hearts of men? Dawson: She lives down the creek. She would sleep over all the time. Before we developed secondary sexual characteristics. Eve: I had a boy-next-door. Dawson: You did? Eve: Doesn't everybody? Dawson: What was his name? Eve: Monroe. We literally lived in adjoining houses on the base Dawson: You were a military brat? Eve: U.S. Army, born and bred. Matter of fact, we could see into each other's bedrooms. Dawson: Really? That must have been... Convenient. Eve: No kidding. Only problem is... He was my dad's commanding officer. I brought you something else. [She hands him an envelope.] Dawson: What is this? Eve: Call it a study aid. Dawson: That is not... Eve: Oh, It is. An advance copy of saturday's PSAT. Dawson: Why are you showing this to me? Eve: Well... I was planning on giving it to you. Dawson: There's no way I could do that. Eve: Oh, don't be so foolish, Dawson. I mean, if it goes against your moral code, fine, but... Surely there must be somebody you know who could use it. The apple was a metaphor. This is the real thing. [Scene: Inside the School Library. Dawson has gotten everyone together around a table in the back.] Pacey: An envelope? This is why you covertly hushed us into a corner? Joey: Pacey, read the fine print. It says E.T.S., As in educational testing service. Jen: Dawson, this is not what I think it is. Dawson: Think again. Andie: Oh, god. Jack: How'd you get this? Dawson: Does it matter? Andie: Of course it matters. When we're all incriminated and sent to federal prison, I'd like to know just who I'm taking the rap for. Dawson: Someone gave it to me. Joey: A certain someone with blond locks and a name that rhymes with Steve? Pacey: Oh, she's good. I like that girl. She's good. Joey: Once again, Dawson Leery proves the groin is mightier than the brain. Andie: Well, I mean, have you looked inside? It could be a joke. Anybody can just whip up a label. Pacey: Well, there's only one way to find out. Andie: Oh, go ahead, Pacey. Way to complete your return to the halls of academic loserdom. Pacey: Maybe you'd like to open it up, Andie. I mean, after all, cheating seems to be an activity that you're real comfortable with these days. Jack: Look, nobody's opening anything. Dawson, just bring it back to where you got it, and none of us ever saw it. Jen: Gee, not to sound like the only typical high-school student here, apparently, as the only typical high-school student, what's the arm in peeking? Pacey: Peeking? I can have us a detailed crib sheet in half an hour. Dawson: Guys, look, admittedly, my first reaction was to dump it. But...You heard Principal Green. I mean, these things are a game. And as wrong as cheating sounds, I thought I would bring it up to you guys for discussion. Joey: Ok, morals to Dawson. Come in, Dawson. This is wrong. Besides, it's the PSAT. No one's even required to take it, let alone do well. Dawson: Unless you want to qualify for a national merit scholarship. [slides the envelope over to Joey.] Jen: Or if you've been too busy gettin' the crap beaten out of you to study. [Slides the envelope over to Jack.] Jack: Or [Clears throat] If you really want to go to Harvard. [Slides the envelope over to Andie.] Andie: Or if a failed relationship has put you through the emotional ringer, and you just don't care these days. [Slides the envelope over to Pacey.] Pacey: Or if you've just been too darn busy gettin' busy. [Slides the envelope back to Andie.] Dawson: The point is, we could all use it for something. [Principal Green enters the room. Dawson turns the envelope over.] Principal Green: All right, people, let's take our seats. One sample math section coming your way. [Fire alarm rings] Principal Green: On second thought, all right, you all know the drill. Leave everything exactly where it is and file out in an orderly fashion. Principal Green: Mr. Leery... Now, please. Dawson: Ok. [They go out for the drill and return after a period of time. Dawson is looking all around an empty table.] Joey: Dawson... Dawson: It's gone. Jack: What's gone? Dawson: It. Joey: Very funny. Dawson: I already checked. Jack: You just left it here? Dawson: I had no choice. Green was hovering. Jen: Ok, I took it. [ Eveyone looks at her.]Ah, ha ha! Joking. Good god. Dawson: That's not funny. Pacey, please tell me that you circled around and saved all our lives. Pacey: Excuse me? Dawson: It's missing. Pacey: What? Dawson: It. Pacey: Uh-uh. Dawson: Uh-uh, is it missing, or uh-uh, you don't have it? Pacey: Uh, both...Or neither. I really don't even know what you guys are talking about. Andie: Pacey, will you quit screwing around? Pacey: Oh, I'm not screwing around, Andie. I'm just as upset as you are. Dismayed... even broken hearted. Principal Green: The McLaughlin group, right here at Capeside. Oh, I love the early-morning debate. What's today's topic? Hey, wait a minute. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Why is the PSAT not an oral exam? Well, unfortunately, boys and girls, you're on your own on this one. So, let's do me a favor and get back to it independently, ok? Let's go. Come on. [Scene: at the Marina. Joey is filling up a gas tank on a boat, but not paying attention, when it overflows.] Rob: Joey, what the hell?! What do you think you're doin'? Joey: It was a mistake. Calm down. Rob: [to boat owner] Look, I'm-- I'm sorry about that. She's new here. Your gas is on the house. Joey: You didn't have to do that. I filled the tank. So I spilled a little. It's not exactly the Exxon Valdez. Rob: That 38 bucks is comin' out of your paycheck, Potter. And consider your precious night off canceled. Joey: What? Rob: You heard me. You're workin' tomorrow night. Joey: Ha Oh, so, that's how it's going to be? Rob: That's how what's gonna be? Joey: Oh, this is not about me messing up on the job. This is about your bruised little ego. Not used to female rejection, are you, Rob? Rob: I have no idea what you're talkin' about, Potter. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Inside Gram's house. Jen is wrapping a bandage around Jack's ribs.] Jack: Ow! Damn, Jen. Jen: Jesus, just try not to make any sharp movements, all right? Jack: It tends to happen when there's a surging pain striking my chest cavity. Jen: I thought that you guys wore pads out there. Jack: Yeah, well, I must be wearing the placebo pads. Jen: Well, at least you can maintain your sense of humor through all this. Jack: Until it gets beaten out of me, too. Jen: Here. Jack: Sorry. Tomorrow I'm turnin' in my helmet. Jen: Jack, you can't. Jack: Yeah? Watch me. Jen: All right, my friend, you want to be a quitter? Go right ahead. Be a quitter. Jack: Ok, Ward, uh, I'm not Beaver Cleaver, and we're not in black and white here. And no half-ass layman's use of reverse psychology is gonna stop me from preventing my corpse from being carried off that field. Jen: All right, all right, mock the sentiment, but you can't deny the truth. When you quit something, you're telling yourself that you're not good enough. Jack: Ok. So what you're saying is that, uh, what I learn out there on the gridiron about sacrifice and pain will be of infinite value later on in life Jen: Mm-hmm. Jack: And that if I quit right now, I'll most surely quit in the more important contest of the future? Jen: Exactly. Jack: Yeah, well, I'm quitting. Jen: Ok, smart ass, how about this for a reason? You caught the ball. Now, call me corny, or superstitious, but fate tossed you that ball, Jack. Who knows why, but it did. Maybe you're meant to be a well-known gay athlete who inspires others to come to terms with who they are. Maybe you're meant to help this school actually win a few games and develop a sense of morale... Or maybe this is just the first step towards meeting someone else in a similar situation. You don't know the reason, but until you do, hang on to that ball. Jack: Oh, that was cheesier than your first response. Jen: Mmm. Jack: Ow! Come on. Jen: Never talk back to somebody who co ld cut off your air supply. [Scene: School Library after dark. Dawson is looking all around the table they were at.] Eve: Hey-- you're wasting your time, Dawson. Dawson: It's gotta be here somewhere. Eve: How do you figure? Dawson: Eve...Could you at least pretend to help me save my ass? Eve: Well...It is a cute ass, but... Dawson: But what? Eve: But we don't have a chance in hell of finding what you're looking for. Dawson: How do you know thaw, Eve? The test was on the table one minute. The next minute, it's gone. Obviously, it has to have gone some-- Eve: Quick, Dawson, someone's coming. Kill the light. Dawson: [Whispering] Question, What would look better on my high-school transcripts... a--cheating, b--possession of stolen materials, c--breaking and entering, or d--all of the above? Eve: You're right, Dawson. Dawson: About what? Eve: Let's get out of here. Besides, if you really want that exam back, it shouldn't be too difficult. Dawson: What do you men? Eve: It didn't disappear, Dawson. Somebody took it. Dawson: How do you know that? Eve: Call it female intuition. Dawson: God, if you're right, it could've been anybody. There were dozens of kids in that room when the alarm went off. Eve: Process of elimination. Of those kids, how many knew what was in the en elope? Dawson: 5. 6, including me. Eve: Who would steal something they didn't know the value of? See my point? Face it, Dawson. In the privacy of their own room, one of your friends is right now slipping a finger between the pages and breaking the seal. [Scene: Principal Green's Office. All 6 of them are there in the office with him.] Principal Green: One month into my tenure here as principal at Capeside High, and I got a national cheating scandal on my hands! Look, it makes no difference whether one of you takes the fall for this, or you all go down together in some sort of grand gesture of teenage loyalty. But somebody better fess up and better fess up soon! Otherwise, you are all expelled! Dawson: Joey? [Alarms off] [alarm clock ringing] [ringing stops] Joey: So, what kind of black-market booty do you have for us today, Dawson? Just happened to find out what Microsoft will be trading at tomorrow? Dawson: Look, I called you guys here because I wanted to give you all-- to give us all-- a chance to rectify this situation. Jack: How? Dawson: Whoever stole the test give it back. Jen: Well, wasn't it already stolen, Dawson? Pacey: I love the way that this girl thinks. Dawson: Look, the point is, it's missing. Yesterday it wasn't. Joey: So what's the harm in just letting it be lost, Dawson? Jack: I agree. Whoever needed it was no more desperate than the rest of us, only quicker. Andie: Doesn't it bother anyone what this says about our group's level of integrity? Pacey: Well, I think I speak for our group when I respond with a hearty "no!" Jen: I'm starting to feel like some sort of psychologically abused lab rat. Joey: You're not the lab rat, Jen. Dawson is. Dawson: Watch it, Joey. Joey: Throwing parties, crashing boats, upstaging marching bands? Dawson, if your rope was any more yanked, you'd be a church bell. Dawson: Joey, Eve has nothing to do with this. Joey: Oh, no. It's typical Dawson Leery behavior to offer your friends contraband. Dawson: She didn't tell me to do anything with that test. Joey: You are so blinded by her cover-girl looks, that you wouldn't even notice if she did. I bet when she offered you that test, you didn't fire one ethical comment her way, did you? It's just your friends who have to sit here and-- and suffer through the dawson leery morality play. Bleached blonde ho-bags willing to put out need not audition. Dawson: Are you finished? Joey: I could go on. Dawson: Look, I'm sorry I brought you all into this, but one of us has taken this charade to another level. Here's the deal: I'm gonna leave my locker unlocked. Whoever has the test will put it inside by 5:30 today. Pacey: Oh, come on, Dawson. The petty thief among us already left the crime scene. They're not gonna return that thing now. What's the incentive? Dawson: To do the right thing. [After the group has broken up. Andie goes over to Pacey.] Andie: You got a second? It's important, Pacey. Pacey: Sure. You know, Andie, I'm really not in the mood for some sordid heart-to-heart today, so if we can just kind of cut this thing short... Andie: Ok. Consider this final negotiations. [She hands him a box.] Pacey: What's this? Andie: Look for yourself. Pacey: Well, it's some t-shirts, my panthers cap... And... Dumbo, which is the first thing that I ever gave to you. Andie: Everything you've ever given me is in this box. All pictures, CDs, jewelry--it's all there. Pacey: You don't think maybe this is a little harsh? Andie: Pacey, this isn't going to be one of those long-drawn-out breakups. You're not dealing with the basket case you met last year. I have my life in order, and I intend on doing everything I can to keep it that way. I have a plan. Pacey: Right. Harvard, Harvard. Uber alles. Andie: I wanted you to be a part of it, and if you can't, then you get nothing. Pacey: Not even memories? Andie: Especially not those. Pacey: Fine. Look, if those are the terms, where do I sign? Andie: You just did. [Scene: Football Field. Henry is working With Jack.] Henry: Hyah! All right, Jacky boy! Move 'em out! How to go! We hit! We hit! Jacky boy! Work! Work! Work! You know what you need? Jack: What? Henry: A mantra. A private word or sound. Everyone's got one. Jack: Really? What for? Henry: Something to focus on, to take your mind off the fact that you're about to be annihilated by a 250-pound lineman snorting fire at you from the other side of the ball. Jack: Oh, that's great. Henry: Seriously, Jack. Anything to stop from thinking. In this sport, thought equals death. Jack: Let me ask you something. Why are you doing this? Henry: What do you mean? Jack: Helping me. I don't know-- I don't .. Henry: That's easy. 2 reasons. First, I want to win football games, and without your magic hands, we don't stand a chance. And 2 is... Well... --you're gay, right? I mean, it's not supposed to be, like, a secret or anything? Jack: No. Henry: Whew! Jack: Why the sudden interest in my sexual orientation? Jack: Uh, well... There's this-- this girl that you know. More like an angel, really, or a goddess. Jack: Who? I dream about her, Jack, every night, heavy dreams, about her lips, her breasts, her legs... If she would just allow me near her to smell her sweet smell, maybe even kiss me or take me in her arms-- deliver me from suffering falsehood! It would prove that there wasn't anything bad or--or empty-hearted in this world that couldn't be corrected. Jack: Just slow down. Get a grip on yourself. Henry: See how I am? You gotta help me, Jack. I'm begging you. Jack: You're not--you're not talking about who I think you're-- Henry: A certain Head Cheerleader. Jack: Jen Lindley? Henry: What? Jack: Word to the wise. This is no reflection on you, Henry, at all. But, um, you're a freshman. Ok? You have about as much chance with Jen Lindley as I have making it through that chute tomorrow. [Scene: The marina. Joey is working, when Pacey comes up, ringing a bell, and he is not all together there.] [Bell rings] Joey: I'll be there in a minute. [Clangs louder] Joey: No loitering, Pacey. [Clang] Pacey: Listen. I am a legitimate customer, and I demand some service missy. Joey: Have you been drinking? Pacey: Only liquor, I promise. Joey: What's wrong? Pacey: Ah, it's nothing a little bonfire won't fix. You see, our friend Andie... decided that she needed to cleanse me from her life to maintain her sanity. The casualties were the contents of this box. Behold [He falls over] unh! Oh, hello, Mr. Dock. Joey: Pacey... Pacey: Hey, Joe... Joey: Yeah? Pacey: Do me a favor. I probably shouldn't go home like this. You think you could call my dad and tell him I'm hanging here? Joey: Yeah. Pacey: That's my girl. [Scene: School Hallway. Dawson and Eve are walking down the hallway to his locker.] Eve: You' e like a saint bernard, Dawson, loyal and faithful to the last. Dawson: In about 30 seconds, I'm gonna open that locker and prove you wrong. Eve: How can you be so certain? Dawson: 'Cause I believe in happy endings, Eve. You always have. Happy endings. Eve: There's a contradiction in terms if I ever heard one. Dawson: You're enjoying this. Eve: Not really. It's just that my taste in fairy tales usually runs more towards... The Brothers Grimm. Dawson: How can you be so relentlessly cynical? Eve: How can you be so profoundly naive? [He opens the locker and there is no envelope.] Eve: All is not lost, prince. Dawson: You know what, eve, just... Leave me the hell alone, ok? Eve: Are you sure? Bet I can help you get the test back. Dawson: How? Eve: By telling you who took it. Dawson: I'm listening. Eve: Tell me who you think it is. Dawson: I don't know. Eve: Yes, you do. Whoever you were just thinking of, that's the thief. Dawson: [Scoffs] It's that simple? Eve: It is. Simple and obvious. Dawson: I don't buy it. If there's one thing that I've learned from those stupid PSAT prep books, it's that the most obvious choice is usually the wrong one. Eve: We're not talking about standardized tests here, Dawson. Take a look at your yearbook. It a crystal ball. The ones most likely to succeed usually succeed. And the one most likely to wind up in a chain gang... Usually has some rock-breaking in his future. Welcome to the real world, Dawson, where the first person to stab you in the back is your best friend. [Scene: At the Marina, later in the evening. Pacey is sitting outside when Dawson comes up to him.] Pacey: Well, if it isn't inspector get-a-Clouseau. What brings you to these parts at this late hour? Dawson: You're drunk. Pacey: You're quick. Dawson: It's the night before the PSAT, Pacey. Why are you drinking? Pacey: I don't need to study. I mean, I got the test, right? Dawson: If you have it, give it back. Pacey: Oh, I wish I did, hombre. I mean, I really wish I did. But I don't. I don't. It's not here. It's not at home under my bed with my playboys. It is nowhere to be found. Dawson: Pacey, we've been friends for 16 years, and I'm not stupid. Pacey: Friends, huh? Friends, you know, that word "friends"... it's an interesting word. It implies that you would actually believe your friend when he's telling you something. Dawson: When they tell me the truth. Pacey: When he's tell-- ha ha! You want to know what I find so very amusing about this situation? I mean, what i think is so really, really rich about all this is that you yourself were capable of stealing this test. All right, you thought about it. You didn't throw that test away. You didn't give it back to Eve. You brought the test to us! Dawson: No. I wanted to consult the people I trusted to determine what the best thing was to do. I never thought that anyone would be so weak or so self motivated to actually swipe it. Pacey: Weak and self-motivated, huh? Now, which one of those 2 colorful adjectives would I be? Dawson: You are who you are, Pacey. Pacey: Yes, I am, Dawson. And so are you. You, Dawson Leery, are a self-righteous son of a bitch who cares more about his rose-colored defunct 1950s belief system than the people who fail to live up to it, huh? Dawson: Interesting choice of words, coming from a smug, cold-hearted son of a bitch who just dumped his girlfriend after she begged him-- pleaded for an ounce sympathy! Pacey: At least I didn't send her father to prison. Dawson: No. You just made her go crazy. [Pacey punches Dawson in the face. And Dawson immediately decks Pacey in one punch.] Pacey: Ahh... [Joey comes running out at the end of this.] Joey: Pace--Dawson, what are you doing? Pacey: It's my fault. I'm sorry. Joey: Dawson, this has got to stop. [Dawson leaves] Joey: [To Pacey]Are you ok? [Scene: Later at the marina. Pacey is nursing his mouth and Joey comes out carrying a can of pop.] Joey: Hey... Brought you a pepsi. Pacey: No, thanks. I'm not thirsty. Joey: It's for your lip, moron, in lieu of ice. Pacey: I can't believe he thought I took it. Joey: So what, Pacey? Pacey: I thought if I'd earned anyone's respect, it was Dawson's. I mean, if the guy who knows you better than anybody on earth thinks you're a loser, then maybe-- Joey: Then maybe you are one? Come on. I mean, I've thought you were a loser for years, but you've never believed me. Pacey: It's just... You know, when does a person start believing the general consensus about themselves? Joey: When it's right. Pacey: Do me a favor. Joey: What? Pacey: Would you tell your friend Dawson that I'm innocent? I mean, he'll believe you. Joey: My friend? Look, he's your friend, too. And you know as well as I do that he's somewhere right now sulking over the gravity of his wrongful accusation. Pacey: Oh, good. Let him stew in his own pride for a while. Joey: We're all guilty of that. Pacey: Hey, I'd never accuse him of cheating. Joey: Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure he would never take the first swing at you. Pacey: He started that whole thing. Joey: I'm not getting into this. Pacey: Ok. So, tell me... Joey: What? Pacey: What do you think happened to that test? Joey: I don't know. And to be honest, I... I don't want to know. You know, there are certain things in life you just... You're better off not knowing, certain things that you wish you never knew, never asked, and, um... Never saw. Pacey: Ok, so tell me honestly... Does it look that bad? Joey: On your face, any reconstructive surgery whatsoever is a definite improvement. [laughs] [Scene: Dawson's Back Yard. Dawson is there looking out over the creek, when Eve comes up.] Eve: Did you get it back? Pacey: Not exactly. Eve: What happened? Pacey: That's what I've been sitting here trying to figure out. Eve: And? Pacey: The only thing I can come up with is you, eve. You happened to me. You and that stupid test. Eve: Which one of us gave y u the black eye? Pacey: Look, Eve, I accept my blame in this, but don't even try to tell me that you didn't know what giving me that test would do. Eve: Look, if crafting me as the villain in your little mystery is what it takes for you to sleep at night... Go right ahead. The fact is, we're all criminals, Dawson, in one way or another. It's just the stupid ones who get caught. Dawson: Nice knowing you, eve. Eve: Ha! Is that how it works? Someone offers you a view of human nature that's even remotely truthful, and you just walk away from them? It terrifies you, doesn't it? That wholesome Dawson Deery could be so overwhelmingly attracted to someone so flawed... so real. You know, the purpose of our spending time together was to get to know each other. Dawson: You know what? Now that I know you... I don't really like you. [Scene: Football field. The Cheerleaders are practicing, and the team is getting ready to practice.] Cheerleaders: ...Chicken? How loose is your goose? So come on, all you minutemen, uh! And shake your caboose. Jack: Parker, come on. Remove yr tongue from the turf. I need some words of encouragement. Henry: Well... Sure thing. How's your ribs? Jack: Well, I can still breathe, but then again, practice isn't over yet. Mitch: All right, people! Put your helmets on! McPhee, you're first getting the chute. Henry: You got your mantra? Jack: Yeah. Henry: What is it? Jack: Fug. Henry: Fug? Jack: Well... F-U-G. It's the only word I got in my head right now. Fug. Fug. Fug! Henry: Then go with it. All right. Jack: Fug. Fug. Oh, fug. [Whistles] Jack: Fug! [He tackles the chute and this time makes it through.] Mitch: All right, man! Way to go! Way to go! Jack: Thanks, coach. Jen: Good job! Yeah, baby! Whoo! Way to go! Whoo! Unreal! Jack: Fug... fug... Fug! Henry: Fug! What the... Fug! [Runs towards Jack and then right past her.] Jen: What the hell was that? [Scene: inside the School Library. Principal Green is handing out the PSAT.] Principal Green: Today's PSAT test will be 2 1/2 hours long. As you know, there are 5 sections: 2 verbal, 2 mathematics, and one writing. There will be one 15-minute break. Are there any questions? All right. You people have 30 minutes to complete sections-- [Dawson stands up.] Principal Green: Can I help you, Mr. Leery? Pacey: What are you doing? Dawson: It's a long story. [He leaves the room.] Principal Green: Ok. If there's no one else... [Chair slides and Pacey stands up] Pacey: I left the oven on. [Scene: Outside the School. Dawson is out there and Pacey come right up to him.] Dawson: What took you so long? Pacey: Ah, it's those analogies, man. They're killer. Remind me why we just did that again? Dawson: Because if we're gonna beat the crap out of each other, it should at least be over a chick. [Scene: Inside the Library.] Principal Green: You may begin. [Everyone breaks into the packets and starts taking the test. Andie. Start filling in circles on her answer sheet, before she has even broken the seal. Then she breaks the seal, after a few questions.]

Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who is stunned when Eve presents him with an advance copy of the PSAT exam? A: various reasons; Q: Why are the gang tempted to cheat? A: the test; Q: What goes missing? A: one friend; Q: How many friends were unable to resist the temptation to cheat? A: Pacey; Q: Who does Dawson get into a fight with? A: Andie; Q: Who is the thief? A: Jack; Q: Who is manipulated by Jen? A: football; Q: What sport does Jack play? Summary: Dawson is stunned when Eve presents him with an advance copy of the PSAT exam he and his friends will be taking shortly. The entire gang are tempted to cheat for various reasons, and when the test goes missing, it becomes obvious that one friend in particular was unable to resist the temptation. In the quest to discover who stole the paper, Dawson gets into a fight with Pacey, who is still reeling from his break-up with Andie. As the gang takes the exam, the thief is revealed to be Andie, who is desperate to ace the test to prove that she is recovered from her medical problems. None of the group yet know who the guilty party is. Elsewhere, Jack is adamant he will be giving up football until a persistent Jen manipulates him into thinking otherwise.

2.03 - Red Light on the Wedding Night OPEN AT A BAKERY [Lorelai and Rory are taste-testing cakes.] LORELAI: Oh my God, here! RORY: Wow. LORELAI: With a crunch and a zing and a hm hm hm hm, hello! RORY: Okay, our house is burning down, and you can save the cake or me. What do you choose? LORELAI: Well that's not fair. The cake doesn't have legs. FRAN: So how are we coming here? LORELAI: Oh Fran, so good. This cake is amazing. RORY: Beyond amazing. FRAN: Well, I should hope so. We've been doing this for a 112 years. LORELAI: Huh. Well, you don't look a day over a 106. FRAN: No, I meant my family's been doing it for that long. LORELAI: Right. Okay, well, I'm glad we got that cleared up. RORY: The raspberry, the raspberry, the raspberry! FRAN: So, when is the big day again? LORELAI: Two weeks from tomorrow. FRAN: Have you picked a flavor? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. They're all so good. FRAN: Well you have to try them again. LORELAI: Oh no. I've already eaten so many. FRAN: This is a very crucial decision, young lady. Cake is the glue of the wedding, so you will stand here and eat until you decide. LORELAI: Okay, if you insist. FRAN: I do. After all, what's more important then your wedding day? LORELAI: Well, it ain't Guy Fawkes day. FRAN: Yes, well, I'll just go and see if there's anything else in the back. [leaves] LORELAI: Thanks. RORY: So how was in seeing Max last night? LORELAI: Well RORY: No gory details. LORELAI: Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you. RORY: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety. LORELAI: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words. RORY: That's kind of the point. LORELAI: It was really great. I'm glad he's back. RORY: And he's on board with the whole smallish wedding thing? LORELAI: Oh yeah. We want fun, we want simple, we want fast. We've been completely in sync, without the slightly gay boy band affiliation. RORY: Oh, I printed up some sample invitations for you. I made them on my computer LORELAI: Aww. RORY: All you have to do is pick out a quote for the front page, and I'll print 'em up. [shows Lorelai the sample invitations] LORELAI: Okay. Um "What is love? It is the morning and the evening star." Ugh. RORY: Sinclair Lewis. LORELAI: Sinclair Sappy Lewis. RORY: Fine, next. LORELAI: "And all went merry as a marriage bell. But hush! Hark! A deep sound strikes like a rising knell!" What is it with poetry? RORY: Lord Byron. LORELAI: Byron and Lewis, together again. RORY: Okay, last one. LORELAI: "We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty." Perfect! RORY: Mussolini it is. Um, can I ask you an ethical question? LORELAI: Mmm. RORY: Is it right to be sampling wedding cakes when Sookie's making ours for free? LORELAI: What is right anyway, you know? Who defines right? And if eating cake is wrong, I don't want to be right. FRAN: [calls] I'm bringing out a mocha crunch cream. LORELAI: So, ethics? RORY: Highly subjective and completely overrated. LORELAI: That's my girl. [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Max are in the living room talking to Kirk.] KIRK: And here's a sample of some of my black and white shots. MAX: Hm. LORELAI: Wow Kirk, I didn't know you were into photography. KIRK: It's my passion. LORELAI: Have you ever shot a wedding before? KIRK: Actually, this would be my first official wedding gig. Or photography gig, for that matter. But believe me, I've got the eye. And my Nikon is state of the art. MAX: Oh, I've got a Nikon too. It's an N64 with 3D matrix metering, 35 to 210 zoom. What have you got? KIRK: It's a Nikon. LORELAI: I gotta tell you Kirk, these are really good for amateur shots. KIRK: Thanks. That's me and my parents on vacation in the Berkshires. MAX: Hm, nice looking family. KIRK: And those are some self-portraits. LORELAI: Aahh! Kirk, you're nude! KIRK: No no, I'm wearing Speedos. They're kind of flesh colored. MAX: Wait a minute. I recognize this. KIRK: Nice photo, huh? MAX: This is VJ Day, New York, 1945. KIRK: Right. I include it as an example of the excellence that I aspire to. LORELAI: How much for your services? KIRK: How about a hundred and fifty an hour? LORELAI: How about lunch and the cost of the film? KIRK: You won't be sorry. LORELAI: Done. KIRK: I thank you. LORELAI: Bye. [Kirk leaves] MAX: Oh, uh, what time is it? LORELAI: Ten MAX: Ten of? LORELAI: Three. MAX: I have to go. LORELAI: No! MAX: I have to. LORELAI: You're always going. MAX: Well, luckily that'll all change soon. LORELAI: Yes it will. Two weeks from now you won't have to get going 'cause it's here you'll be going. To. Going or going to? MAX: I'd add the to. LORELAI: Hm. Going to. You make me smarter. MAX: Hm, well, I am a teacher. LORELAI: Hey, hey, don't. Stay longer. MAX: I can't. LORELAI: Take me upstairs and see if you can get me into Mensa. MAX: It's gonna take me forever to get back into the city, and I gotta get up early to let the painters in. LORELAI: Hey, do you have to be there while they work? MAX: What do you mean? LORELAI: Well, isn't your apartment gonna be all paint fumey? MAX: Yeah, so? LORELAI: So, maybe you should stay here. MAX: Here? LORELAI: Yeah. Instead of driving back and forth all weekend, sleep over. I mean, it's gonna be your place too soon enough. Look at it like a trial run. MAX: A trial run. LORELAI: It'll be fun. MAX: You think you're ready for me? LORELAI: I'm always ready for you. MAX: Full time? LORELAI: I insist. MAX: He was not wearing Speedos. LORELAI: Ugh, don't talk about the photo. MAX: The man was buck naked. LORELAI: Offer rescinded if this line of conversation proceeds. MAX: I'll be back. LORELAI: Bye hon. CUT TO CENTER OF STARS HOLLOW [Rory and Dean are walking around the middle of town.] DEAN: So, what are we doing tonight? RORY: I'll do whatever. DEAN: Well, what movies haven't we seen? RORY: We haven't seen just about all of them. DEAN: Yeah, they all stink this year. RORY: They definitely do underestimate our intelligence. DEAN: Plus they stink. RORY: There are at least five of them featuring someone doing something disgusting with a cow. DEAN: Yeah. I mean, they should at least do something disgusting with a different animal. RORY: We can watch "Holy Grail" on tape again. DEAN: Okay, but I am not talking in an English accent for the rest of the evening. RORY: No fun. Hey, tomorrow night? DEAN: "Life of Brian?" RORY: Max is staying over. DEAN: Really? RORY: First time. And to kind of celebrate, he and my mom wanted to go on a double date. DEAN: But tomorrow's our anniversary. RORY: No it's not, it's on the twenty-fourth. DEAN: No, that was our old anniversary. We broke up and got back together on the sixth. So using the twenty-fourth wouldn't be an accurate account of how long we've been together. RORY: Unless you consider our time apart as a temporary moratorium on our relationship. You know, like the time kept passing, and we were on a sabbatical. DEAN: Yeah, it's complicated. RORY: Very. DEAN: So a double date, with adults? RORY: No, just with Mom and Max. DEAN: What'll it be, like dinner and dancing? RORY: Yes, and then we'll enjoy brandy and cigars. No, we'll probably just grab a bite. DEAN: All right, we can do that. RORY: Hey, let's have two anniversaries. We can celebrate twice a month. They're well spread apart, the sixth and the twenty-fourth. DEAN: We can't do that. RORY: Who's gonna stop us? DEAN: Twice a month? RORY: Dare to be different. DEAN: Twice a month it is. CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Max is cooking dinner while Lorelai sits at the table.] LORELAI: Why won't you let me help? MAX: Because you're a danger to the process. LORELAI: That's not true! MAX: I've got numerous scars. LORELAI: I cut you that one two times, and I've helped you tons of times. MAX: You helped me twice and both time you cut me. LORELAI: Well, I do like watching you cook. MAX: I like you watching me cook. RORY: [walking into kitchen] What's that weird smell? LORELAI: It's food! MAX: It smells weird? RORY: No, just weird for this house. It smells great. MAX: Rory, could you get that? RORY: What? MAX: Uh, right down there. Uh, shiny handle. [Rory opens the broiler] LORELAI: Ugh! Did you know we had that? RORY: Not a clue. MAX: Oh come on. LORELAI: Hey, it's on fire! MAX: It's the broiler. RORY: Wow. MAX: What fallout shelter have you guys been living in? RORY: He has much knowledge. LORELAI: We shall form a cult around him. RORY: Build a statue many stories high. LORELAI: We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing. MAX: Please, don't do any of that. RORY: Are we eating at the table? MAX: Wherever you want. LORELAI: TV? RORY: I'll get a tape. LORELAI: Can I at least grab some dishes? MAX: Far away from me. LORELAI: Alarmist. CUT TO LIVING ROOM [Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the floor, Max is sitting on the couch, all are watching a movie.] TV: 'You don't learn very fast Injun.' LORELAI: How fast do you learn Billy Jack? TV: 'Fast enough.' RORY: Billy Jack, I'm gonna kill you if it's the last thing I do. LORELAI: Ugh, he so jinxed himself with that one. RORY: Yeah, he should've said 'Billy Jack, I'm gonna kill you or buy myself a lovely chenille sweater.' LORELAI: Ooh, yeah, either way he wins. MAX: How many times have you seen this movie? LORELAI: I'm out of digits. RORY: You can't see a Billy Jack movie too many times. MAX: Who's the guy Billy Jack's. . . LORELAI: Shh shh shh! TV: 'All right you cats. Very slowly now.' LORELAI: Let's do some jumping jacks. TV: 'Spread out. One.' RORY: Oh it's the counting part. TV: 'He means it Daniel.' 'Two.' LORELAI: Ooh, here comes my favorite and my least favorite line all rolled into one. TV: 'I'm gonna cut your bowels out.' LORELAI: Ughughugh. RORY: Ahh, yuck! TV: 'Three.' LORELAI: Ooh, comeuppance time! MAX: You guys talk throughout the whole movie and then when I say something, you shush me. LORELAI: That's because you're talking through parts we talked through last time, so we haven't seen those parts in awhile. MAX: Ah, well now it's clear. [phone rings] LORELAI: Max? MAX: What? The phone? LORELAI: Whoever's closest answers. RORY: House rule. MAX: You're both closer. LORELAI: Oh, but I'd have to walk around the coffee table so my path would be farther. RORY: And my foot's asleep. LORELAI: Plus you're taller. RORY: With longer legs. LORELAI: Yes, so even if we all left for the phone at exactly the same time MAX: I got it. [goes to answer phone] LORELAI: I'm gonna like having him around. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE LATER THAT NIGHT [Lorelai and Rory are still on the floor. Max is asleep on the couch.] LORELAI: You want a refill? RORY: Sure, same thing. LORELAI: Max? RORY: Uh oh. LORELAI: We wore him out. RORY: We tend to do that. LORELAI: Well, we are ElectraWoman and DynaGirl. MAX: ElectraWoman. RORY: I think it's time to turn in. LORELAI: Yeah. MAX: I'm awake. RORY: You don't look it. MAX: No, I am. I'm just waiting for the guy with the thing on the RORY: Mom, get him to bed. LORELAI: Yeah, okay. Come on hon. MAX: What happened to Billy Jack? LORELAI: I'll explain it to you later. RORY: Goodnight. LORELAI: Goodnight. MAX: Goodnight. LORELAI: [whispers] Is this weird? RORY: [shrugs] PAN OVER LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Max is asleep while Lorelai lay awake staring at the ceiling.] CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory is sleeping. Lorelai walks in and sits on her bed.] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: What? What is it? LORELAI: Oh nothing. Whatcha doing? RORY: Taking back Poland. LORELAI: Oh, good luck with that. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I have a boy in my room RORY: So? LORELAI: So I have a boy in my room. RORY: It's Max. LORELAI: I know. RORY: You like Max. LORELAI: No, uhh, yes, I do, but it's weird. We've never had a man in the house like this up there. RORY: He's your fiancé. LORELAI: Very true. RORY: So all you need to do is adjust. It's like that time you got the green stripes in your hair. LORELAI: I hated those green stripes. RORY: Well, I'm tired. I can think of a better example tomorrow. LORELAI: No, wake up, wake up. We've not properly talked about this. RORY: About what? LORELAI: About having Max in the house. About the effect on you. Don't cover up anything. Let's get it all out in the open. RORY: I don't have anything to cover up. I like Max. LORELAI: I know you do, and that's good. But you know, once we are married, nothing will ever be the same again. RORY: I know. LORELAI: It won't just be the 'me and you secret special clubhouse no boys allowed' thing anymore. RORY: It will be different. LORELAI: Not just different. Our lives as we know them will be over. RORY: Mom, we're not dying. LORELAI: No, we're not dying. But the life we had is gonna morph into this like mutation that we could never possibly have conceived. RORY: Like the giant ants in "Them"? LORELAI: Metaphorically speaking, yes. And I don't want it to be like giant ants, so that's why I'm talking about it now. RORY: I am in no way anticipating being attacked by giant man-eating ants because Max is living here. LORELAI: Good. Good. RORY: Weirdo. LORELAI: You know, you can't walk around in the buff anymore. RORY: I don't remember ever walking around in the buff. LORELAI: I know one time you did. RORY: Was I three? LORELAI: Somewhere around there. RORY: Does he hog the bed? LORELAI: No. He's a very 'stay on his side' kinda guy. RORY: Good. LORELAI: He's cute. He wears pajama bottoms. RORY: Stop. LORELAI: Not funny ones. I hate funny bottoms. RORY: I'm gonna call you Funny Bottoms from now on. LORELAI: Nuh uh! RORY: Aren't you happy? LORELAI: Yes. I'm happy. RORY: Well, then it'll be fine. You'll get used to it, having Max there. LORELAI: I know. You're right. I will. I will get used to it. [closes her eys] RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Hm? RORY: You're falling asleep. LORELAI: So? RORY: You need to be a big girl and go to your own room. LORELAI: Okay. [pretends she can't get up] Uh, uh... RORY: Fine, ten more minutes LORELAI: Thank you. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke is walking around serving coffee.] LUKE: More? TAYLOR: Absotivalutely. LUKE: What's up Taylor? TAYLOR: Up, I know of nothing up. LUKE: What's up Taylor? TAYLOR: I'm just happy. LUKE: That's what makes me nervous. TAYLOR: You're a paranoid man Luke. I feel very sad for you. [Lorelai and Rory walk in.] LUKE: Over there. LORELAI: Uh, can you clear that one off? LUKE: Why? LORELAI: 'Cause it's bigger. LUKE: So. LORELAI: Well, we're three today. LUKE: Three? LORELAI: Yeah, Max is with us. LUKE: Max, huh? So when did Max become invisible to the human eye? LORELAI: He's on a paper hunt. RORY: Max likes his three papers in the morning. The Hartford Courant, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal. LUKE: Three papers. LORELAI: He likes to be well informed. LUKE: Yeah, well, reading three papers all reporting the same news is a terrific use of trees. LORELAI: You be nice Luke, I mean it. [Max walks into the diner] MAX: Hey there. LUKE: Max, buddy, top of the morning to you! Hey, you look good today. Brown is your color, my friend. MAX: Thanks. LORELAI: So? MAX: I got two out of three. RORY: Not bad MAX: No one has the Wall Street Journal. RORY: Well this isn't a very financially oriented town. LORELAI: Yes, it's more oriented to coffee. LUKE: I've got the blueberry pancakes this morning. LORELAI: Bring 'em. RORY: Bring 'em twice. LUKE: And you? MAX: I'm gonna need a minute. LORELAI: Oh. Well, then, hold off. RORY: Same here. LUKE: I might run out of the pancakes. MAX: Go ahead, order. I'll just be a minute. LORELAI: No that's okay. We'll wait. LUKE: I'm almost out and I can't make more. LORELAI: Set some aside. LUKE: It's first come, first serve. RORY: We'll take our chances. LORELAI: Yes, we'll wait. LUKE: Whatever. [walks away] MAX: You didn't need to do that. LORELAI: Aww, happy to. [Max reads over the menu while Rory and Lorelai watch him.] LORELAI: Okay, yeah, that's still eggs and all your basic breakfast stuff up there. MAX: Just order. RORY: We're fine. MAX: I want you guys to go at your normal pace. My rhythm might not necessarily be your rhythm. [Luke walks over, hands Max another menu] What's this? LUKE: It's the lunch menu. I stop serving breakfast in an hour. LORELAI: Luke. MAX: I'll have poached eggs. LORELAI: And blueberry pancakes! RORY: Did we make it?! LUKE: I already set 'em aside. LORELAI: Love ya! [Luke notices a work crew outside.] LUKE: What the hell they doing out there? TAYLOR: What? Who is that? LUKE: What are they doing Taylor? TAYLOR: Looks like they're coning off the street. LUKE: Taylor. TAYLOR: Well, if you must know, they are a county work crew here to install Stars Hollow's first traffic light and metered crosswalk. [Luke rushes outside] Luke! LUKE: [to work crew] Hold it! TAYLOR: [to work crew] Keep going. [to Luke] You have no controlling legal authority over this matter. LUKE: Stuff it Taylor. Hold it! TAYLOR: Keep going. And I will not stuff it. LUKE: What authority did you have to authorize this? You're supposed to inform local business owners of major projects per the town's rules, meaning me. TAYLOR: Not when it's a matter of dire public safety, where the city charter clearly states that I can function unilaterally in the town's best interest. LUKE: Dire public safety! We haven't had an accident here in ten years! TAYLOR: You can't stop progress Luke. [Taylor walks away. Lorelai comes out of the diner.] LORELAI: Traffic light, huh? LUKE: It's unbelievable. LORELAI: Well, it can always be taken out with your bare hands or your teeth. LUKE: Yeah, I guess. LORELAI: Hey, did you get my invitation? LUKE: The what? LORELAI: My wedding invitation for my wedding 'cause I'm wedding Max. LUKE: Oh yeah, yeah. It's in a pile upstairs somewhere. LORELAI: Good, good. So are you coming? LUKE: You know, I gotta make some calls about this thing before it's too late. I'll see you later. LORELAI: Okay. Uh CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [It's nighttime. Lorelai, Rory, Max, and Dean are walking along the sidewalk.] MAX: Ugh, I can barely walk. LORELAI: Bad shoes? MAX: I ate a cow. LORELAI: You had a steak. MAX: Plus the sides. Four people, six baked potatoes. LORELAI: Uh, you always exaggerate. MAX: Am I exaggerating? DEAN: Nope. RORY: Ooh, ice cream! [runs off] LORELAI: Ooh, I'm right behind you! [runs off] MAX: How can they possibly eat more? DEAN: Kind of surprised. MAX: I know. They're bottomless pits. DEAN: I mean at you. You've known them long enough not to be so confused. [They both sit on a bench.] MAX: Oh, I'm not confused. I'm just . . . what do you mean? DEAN: Their eating habits are just the start of what you're gonna have to get used to. There's tons of stuff you should be aware of. MAX: Really? DEAN: Oh yeah. Like, don't ever use the last of the parmesan cheese. And never get into a heavy discussion late at night 'cause that's when they're at their crankiest. Oh, and uh, go with their bits. MAX: Their bits? DEAN: Yeah, like, if you're eating pizza with them and Lorelai decides that the pepperoni is angry at the mushrooms because the mushrooms have an attitude and then she holds up a pepperoni and the pepperoni asks for your opinion...don't just laugh. Answer the pepperoni. MAX: Answer the pepperoni. DEAN: And don't let them near puppies 'cause they'll want to take home every one. MAX: Oh, that one I knew. DEAN: Oh, and uh, here's a big one. If you ever think that they're doing something crazy, they're not. You see, after a while, their thinking becomes clear, but by the time it's clear, they've already done two other totally crazy things that you can't figure out. So there's no catching up. MAX: You have much knowledge. DEAN: You got that from Rory. MAX: Right. DEAN: Oh, and hey, does Lorelai know what kind of ice cream you like? MAX: Yeah, chocolate chip. But I already told her that I LORELAI: Hey, chocolate chip. [hands him an ice cream cone] MAX: Thanks. LORELAI: You're welcome. CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT PORCH [Lorelai, Rory, Max, and Dean walk up to Lorelai's house.] LORELAI: Ugh, I'm so full. Why'd you let me eat so much? DEAN: Yeah, they'll blame you. [Lorelai goes inside] MAX: It's past eleven guys. RORY: Okay. [Max goes inside] CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Lorelai is lying on her bed. Max walks into the room.] LORELAI: Mm. MAX: How ya doing? LORELAI: Mm, I'm stable. MAX: You're a lovely shade of puce. LORELAI: Don't say puce. It sounds too much like another word I don't wanna hear right now. MAX: Sorry. You know they're still outside. LORELAI: Who? MAX: Rory and Dean. LORELAI: Oh. MAX: How long you think they'll be out there? LORELAI: I don't know. MAX: So there's no time limit or anything? LORELAI: Yes. As soon as they both get tired of saying 'No, you're prettier' to each other, then the night's over. MAX: Lorelai, come on. LORELAI: What? MAX: Well, I'm gonna be living here soon. LORELAI: I know that. MAX: So I just thought I should know what the procedure is when stuff like this comes up. LORELAI: Stuff like what? MAX: Say you're not here, I come home, there's Rory and Dean in the dark all alone after eleven. I mean, how do I handle stuff like that? LORELAI: Oh, Max, Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A.I., only way less mother-obsessed. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving. MAX: Well, what if I catch them one night making out on the couch? LORELAI: Umm well, turn off the light? MAX: You're not being serious. LORELAI: Max, they're teenagers. They can kiss a little bit. MAX: Okay, well, what do I do if Rory comes home drunk? LORELAI: Come on! MAX: It happens. LORELAI: Not to Rory it doesn't. MAX: I know. But theoretically, just in a make believe world, if she did, what would I do? LORELAI: Nothing. MAX: Excuse me? LORELAI: No, you would do nothing. I would handle it. MAX: So basically, I have no role in Rory's life. LORELAI: Max, Rory's done. She's brought up, she's Rory. You don't need a role. MAX: Fine. LORELAI: I don't see the problem here. MAX: Clearly. So, I should do nothing around here ever. LORELAI: No, not nothing ever. MAX: What then? LORELAI: Well, making the garlic bread the other night was really good. MAX: So other than making the garlic bread and answering the phone, what else is my role around here? LORELAI: Well, you're my fella. You're my guy, you're my old man. MAX: What does that entail? LORELAI: All things dirty. MAX: I'm not joking here. We're getting married Lorelai. LORELAI: I know. MAX: Well, that means we're taking two separate lives and melding them together. I mean, how do you think that's gonna work? LORELAI: I don't know. MAX: Well, have you given it any thought at all? LORELAI: Not really. No, I I mean, but I will! But I I'll start now. MAX: How would you feel if I told you I haven't thought about our future at all? LORELAI: Terrible, I would feel terrible, I'm sorry. I mean it, I'm sorry. Please come here. Remember, it's all those little annoying quirks that make me the fascinating woman you fell in love with. Hmm? [they kiss] MAX: Really not fair. LORELAI: I've got a lingerie drawer full of not fair, mister. MAX: Okay. I mean, we didn't need to get into this tonight. I definitely broke Dean's late night cranky rule. LORELAI: Who's what? MAX: Nothing. CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER [A crowd is standing around the new traffic light.] TAYLOR: Welcome townspeople! I [crumbled up piece of paper hits him in the head] So you're gonna spoil it for all of us right off the bat, huh Luke? LUKE: Why waste time? SOOKIE: What about dinner? LORELAI: Oh, you don't eat dinner at a bachelorette party. SOOKIE: You gotta eat. LORELAI: No, you gotta drink, dance, party and drink some more. SOOKIE: We'll all hurl before the night's half over. TAYLOR: This is all very fascinating. LORELAI: Oh, sorry Teach. We'll keep it down. TAYLOR: How about keeping it silent? LORELAI: [whispers] Way down. TAYLOR: Or zipping it shut? LORELAI: [in high voice] Little tiny mice voices. TAYLOR: Townspeople, we should all be proud of the new addition to our streets. I know many of you have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk for many years LUKE: What? TAYLOR: and now, your dream has come true. LUKE: It's like Hitler's Germany. TAYLOR: Luke! LUKE: You're trying to brainwash us, Taylor. Telling us we want something that we don't and not giving us any choice. LORELAI: Luke, shish! We're planning. LUKE: I heard, and you're idiots if you don't eat first. TAYLOR: Everybody, let me segue into the informational portion of our gathering. If I can turn your attention to the pole here, you will see a yellow button with an instructional panel right above it. MISS PATTY: Oh my God. That's the biggest yellow button I've ever seen. TAYLOR: Now if you'll read the panel above the button, you'll learn how the system works. MISS PATTY: 'To cross street, push yellow button, wait for walk signal. When signal reads walk, step into street and proceed to the other side.' LUKE: It's written for morons. BABETTE: In big stupid letters too! MOREY: I hate being infantalized. TAYLOR: Does no one here care about this fate of near accidents we have suffered over the past year? LUKE: Near accidents. Meaning they didn't happen. TAYLOR: Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean that we shouldn't ward against them. LUKE: There's lots of things that don't happen that we don't ward against. TAYLOR: Like? LUKE: Like everything. TAYLOR: So that everything doesn't happen here, meaning nothing happens? LUKE: No, it's not nothing happens. Stuff happens. It's that it it's not everything that's it's Dammit Taylor! TAYLOR: Ha! Now, for some interesting stats [voice fades into background] LORELAI: So let's see. That's you, me, Miss Patty, Rory, Babette. Babette, you're coming right? BABETTE: Doll, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna be able to make it. LORELAI: Babette, no. BABETTE: We're having Morey's parents over for dinner, and if you cancel on 'em last minute, they'll stick a red-hot poker up your 'you know where'. LORELAI: Oh, well, we'll miss you. BABETTE: Yeah, well stick your hand down the front of some guy's pants for me, would ya? LORELAI: I hope you're talking about a stripper. BABETTE: Whatever. TAYLOR: Now the length of the walk signal's duration has thoughtfully been timed to accommodate the pace of Stars Hollow's oldest living resident. So, to inaugurate the signal, our beloved Mrs. Lanahan is going to push the button and lead the first historic group across the street. Ready with the camera Kirk? KIRK: Rolling. [starts taking pictures] MISS PATTY: Uh, the cap is still on the lens, dear. KIRK: Oh thanks. LORELAI: I'm not wearing a veil at the party. SOOKIE: But the bride always wears a veil at the bachelorette party. LORELAI: I'm not wearing a veil at the wedding. SOOKIE: You're not? I love veils! LORELAI: Nah, we're going cas Sook. SOOKIE: But it's a big day, you gotta have some pomp. LUKE: You should elope and get it over with. SOOKIE: No one asked you. LORELAI: Believe me, eloping was not out of the question. SOOKIE: But you don't get a wedding over with. LUKE: Why not? It's a bureaucratic civil ceremony, a pretty pointless one. SOOKIE: Agh! Don't listen to him. LORELAI: Ah, he's just being Luke LUKE: It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life. Animals don't mate for life. Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do? LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: I mean, people grow and evolve their whole lives. The chances that you're gonna grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else...too slim to take. The minute you say 'I do', you're sticking yourself in a tiny little box for the rest of your life. But hey, at least you had a party first, right? SOOKIE: Okay, I'm tired of you now. We're gonna finish this conversation away from Crotchety Guy. [Sookie pulls Lorelai away] [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE NIGHT CLUB [Lorelai, Sookie, Rory, Miss Patty, and Michel are standing in line outside a night club.] MISS PATTY: Oh, this place looks like fun! RORY: They're never gonna let me in. LORELAI: They will let you in. MICHEL: This is a felony, you know, corrupting a minor. We'll all end up in the bookie. RORY: He's right. We're all going to the bookie. LORELAI: Sweetie, don't say bookie. It's creepy. SOOKIE: Just try to look older. RORY: How? SOOKIE: Look like you're thinking about retirements or 401Ks and stuff. MICHEL: Yes, you should've brought your fake beard and mustache. LORELAI: Who invited Mister Schnickelfritz? SOOKIE: He heard us planning and wanted to come. MICHEL: I did not know the evening included babysitting. LORELAI: She's going to get in. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hey! MAX: So my bachelor party's come to a screeching halt. LORELAI: What? Why? MAX: There's been an accident. I'm fine, but we're at the hospital. LORELAI: Oh my God, what happened? MAX: We're coming out of the restaurant and we're heading toward our next stop when my brother decides to leap frog over a parking meter. LORELAI: Why did he do that? MAX: Middle child. LORELAI: Poor Jan. MAX: Anyway, he didn't make it. LORELAI: Ugh. Ouch. How drunk was he? MAX: He claims he wasn't drunk. He's saying that the parking meters in Hartford are taller then the parking meters in Deluth so he just miscalculated. LORELAI: Huh. MAX: Yup. MAX'S BROTHER: I've got a concussion. I'm good. Let's drink. MAX: Hold on a second. You got a concussion? MAX'S BROTHER: Yeah, it's a little one LORELAI: What is he saying? MAX: It's a mild concussion. We're gonna take him home. LORELAI: All right, well take him home, and then go hit a strip club. MAX: Excuse me? LORELAI: I am telling you, this is your last chance to look at another woman's breastage. MAX: Point well taken. I'll call you tomorrow. [they hang up] SOOKIE: Okay, new rule for the evening. No calls to fiancés or boyfriends or anything else like that. It's girls' night out. Plus Michel. [They reach the club entrance] LORELAI: Hey. BOUNCER: It's twelve bucks. And it's eighteen and over. SOOKIE: Oh, she's eighteen. RORY: That's right. Last week. So it's a new eighteen, but it's eighteen, yup. BOUNCER: You got some ID? LORELAI: Hey, uh, sir, make way for Rory. That's her name. And her only name. Rory. Single name, she's that important. Internationally known international supermodel and sometimes spokesperson for international products. SOOKIE: She's very big in Germany. LORELAI: Yah, yah, yah, with the leichter hosen and such. BOUNCER: Twelve bucks. LORELAI: Thank you. SOOKIE: Danke shane, cutie. CUT TO INSIDE CLUB MICHEL: This is a drag club. SOOKIE: It's called the Queen Victoria. What did you expect, tea and crumpets? LORELAI: Aw, you guys, I guess we're gonna have to stand. SOOKIE: Wait, that one looks open. LORELAI: Oh. [They walk towards the table. Emily is sitting there.] SOOKIE: Oh my God. LORELAI: What in Lucifer's reach is my mother doing here? MICHEL: Oh, I invited her. LORELAI: You what? MICHEL: Just a little surprise for you. I thought it would be a kick. [They walk over to Emily.] LORELAI: Excuse me sir, you look just like my mother. RORY: Hi Grandma. Come here often? EMILY: I should say not. How did you get in? RORY: Oh, apparently, I'm an internationally known supermodel. EMILY: Happy bachelorette party, Lorelai. LORELAI: Thank you Mother. EMILY: And in the future, when you plan one of these things, and you tell a person to show up at eight o'clock, it is considered good manners for you to also show up at eight o'clock. LORELAI: Well, I didn't exactly invite you mother, Michel did. EMILY: Ah, well, I feel much better now. LORELAI: Huh, let's drink. MISS PATTY: Looks like Emily's gotten a head start. What are you drinking honey? EMILY: Manhattan. Good too. Not too sweet. I ordered it from that nice fellow dressed as Joan Crawford. MICHEL: So, is there no dancing here? I was hoping there'd be dancing. SOOKIE: You need to strut Tony Minero? MICHEL: It is a weekend and on the weekend I like to move, and the ladies, they like it too. LORELAI: Especially when you move out of town. Ba zing! EMILY: Has she eaten? SOOKIE: Yeah. About a quart of wine. [A waitress comes to the table] LORELAI: Hmm, hi Mae West. WAITRESS: What can I get for you? MICHEL: My dignity back. LORELAI: We'll have a rum and coke, a margarita no salt, martini with olives, a Shirley Temple WAITRESS: Love her! RORY: I'll have her on the rocks please. LORELAI: And uh, I will have a giant Long Island iced tea. WAITRESS: Coming up. [leaves] EMILY: So Lorelai, how are you feeling? LORELAI: Um, well, I'm tipsy, but just short of seeing pink elephants. EMILY: No, I mean about you getting married. It's only a week away. LORELAI: I'm fine. Everything's fine. I figured once I got the shoes to match the dress, the rest was just gravy. EMILY: I must say, I admire your composure. The week before my wedding, I was a wreck. MISS PATTY: So was I, before all of mine. SOOKIE: How many was that? MISS PATTY: Well, uh, there was Sinjin, John, Sergio, Sinjin. Three men, four times. SOOKIE: Do you regret any of them? MISS PATTY: Well, Sinjin was a let down the second time, but he was my Burton and I was his Taylor. Just wish I could've found a little Mike Todd there in the middle. EMILY: You know, I can't believe it was 34 years ago that I married Richard. I remember it so distinctly. SOOKIE: Ooh, this is gonna be a romantic story. EMILY: My stomach was not my friend. It was full of butterflies, I couldn't eat a bite the whole week. LORELAI: Hmm, what a bummer. EMILY: I was actually weak in the knees. Trembling all the time, can you imagine? RORY: Really? EMILY: When I wasn't actually with Richard, I was thinking about him. Constantly. Imagining what he was doing, was he thinking about me? Making up little scenarios in my head about how we'd run into each other accidentally at the club. And he would be playing golf and I would walk by and he would be so distracted that he'd completely miss the ball. Silly. SOOKIE: It's sweet. EMILY: I was in love MICHEL: It is wonderful to be in love EMILY: But the thing I remember most was that for the entire week before my wedding, I'd wait 'til my mother went to sleep, and I'd sneak out of bed and I'd put on my wedding dress and my tiara and my gloves, and I would stare at myself in the mirror and think how very safe I felt. How very right and wise and honored. This is a very good drink. I highly recommend it. SOOKIE: Okay, I have got to make a call. MISS PATTY: Are you calling Jackson? SOOKIE: No. Well yes, but it's only because I need to pick up something I left at his house, that if it's still there, I should. . .hi honey, it's me. [leaves table] EMILY: And who are you writing to? RORY: I just want to see if Dean's around. EMILY: And thinking about you? MISS PATTY: Oh no, not you too. LORELAI: No, it's just..it's I'll be quick. [walks away from the table, dials her cell phone] Hi. CHRISTOPHER: Hi. Who's this? LORELAI: It's Trixie from the other night. You never called me. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai? LORELAI: Uh, you got me. Whatcha doing? CHRISTOPHER: I'm just hanging out. What are you doing? LORELAI: I'm at a bachelorette party. CHRISTOPHER: Oh cool. Who's? LORELAI: Mine. CHRISTOPHER: Yours? Wow. LORELAI: I know. I'm still kinda 'wow' about it myself. CHRISTOPHER: Well who's the lucky guy? LORELAI: Oh, you don't know him. His name's Max. CHRISTOPHER: Right. Max. LORELAI: You do know him? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, Rory mentioned him. She didn't mention it was serious. LORELAI: Well, it wasn't. We hooked up, and then it was going good, then we broke up 'cause one of us kinda freaked out CHRISTOPHER: You freaked out. LORELAI: I freaked out. And then we got back together and it suddenly got very serious. CHRISTOPHER: So is he worthy? LORELAI: Is anyone? CHRISTOPHER: Bono, maybe? Brian Ferry? LORELAI: Get serious. CHRISTOPHER: A young Tom Waits? LORELAI: Now you're talking. CHRISTOPHER: So what's he like? LORELAI: He's great. CHRISTOPHER: Could you be a little more vague? LORELAI: I don't know. He's Max. He's great. CHRISTOPHER: Well, what's his CD collection like? LORELAI: Don't read into his CD collection. CHRISTOPHER: Jazz, classical, what's the story? LORELAI: It's a kind of a general collection. CHRISTOPHER: Uh oh. LORELAI: Uh, Christopher. CHRISTOPHER: Are we talking a dozen soundtracks, a few Beatles, a Bob Dylan, plus a generic fifty? LORELAI: I said don't. CHRISTOPHER: Alanis Morissette? LORELAI: Hey, a lot of people knee-jerked and bought that first one of hers. Cut him some slack. CHRISTOPHER: Dave Matthews? LORELAI: A couple of his things are good. CHRISTOPHER: Buena Vista Social Club? LORELAI: Stop it. CHRISTOPHER: Enya? LORELAI: I'm gonna hit you. CHRISTOPHER: We're on the phone. LORELAI: I'm gonna come over there and hit you. CHRISTOPHER: You're at your bachelorette party. LORELAI: Right. Right. CHRISTOPHER: So why are you calling me? LORELAI: Um, because you know me really well. CHRISTOPHER: Yes I do. LORELAI: And I just wanted to tell someone who knows me really well that I am getting married. CHRISTOPHER: Well, as someone who knows you really well, I say congratulations. If you found the guy, I think that's great. LORELAI: And you can picture me married, right? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. To the right guy, I can picture you married. LORELAI: Thanks. CHRISTOPHER: You should get back to your party. LORELAI: Right, right. He's a great guy, Max. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm sure he is. I was just kidding around. LORELAI: I know. Well, I'll talk to you later. CHRISTOPHER: Bye. Hey, can you put Trixie back on the phone? LORELAI: Bye. [Lorelai walks back to the table.] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Michel leave? SOOKIE: Nope. He said he had to shake his thing. So how's your guy? LORELAI: Hmm? SOOKIE: How's Max doing? LORELAI: Fine. Fine, everything's just fine. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Lorelai and Sookie are sitting down drinking coffee.] LORELAI: I think I know what an aneurysm feels like before you have it. SOOKIE: Like a baseball the size of a cantaloupe in your head. LORELAI: [giggle] Good one. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Baseball the size of a cantaloupe. SOOKIE: Yeah. LORELAI: 'Cause a baseball can only be one size, so it's a Yogi Berra type thing. SOOKIE: Yogi Bear? LORELAI: No. Forget it. [Michel walks into the kitchen] MICHEL: I feel like crap on toast. LORELAI: Hey, where were you after you broke off from the group? MICHEL: Oh, I sat at a table with Janet Jackson and Celine Dion. Very nice guys. Oh, by the way, your husband-to-be is out there looking annoyingly perky. Slap him or I will. [Lorelai walks into the lobby] MAX: Hey! LORELAI: Ahhh. MAX: So what'd I do? LORELAI: You spoke in a normal volume MAX: Sorry. LORELAI: You did nothing wrong, I'm just mad you're not more hungover. MAX: I tried, I did. LORELAI: Ah, liar. MAX: I drank copiously. LORELAI: People who drank copiously the night before do not use words like copiously. MAX: Ask my brother. LORELAI: How is Mr. McMeterHopper? MAX: Ironically, he feels better than you. LORELAI: Uh, it's so wrong. MAX: He's fine. So I was gonna drop my printer off at the house but Rory wasn't there, and guess who doesn't possess his own set of keys yet. LORELAI: Ahh, guessing it's you. MAX: Still me. LORELAI: Max, I'm sorry, I forgot. MAX: Again. LORELAI: Again. You're mad. MAX: No. A little. LORELAI: They're just keys. MAX: Try being without them and say that. LORELAI: I've lost my keys before. MAX: Well, I haven't lost them. I never got 'em. LORELAI: You'll get them. MAX: I'm trying really hard not to read too much into this. LORELAI: Like what? MAX: Like you don't want me having keys or you don't want me coming in the house. LORELAI: Max, that's crazy. MAX: Well, I need keys. LORELAI: Well, I need an assistant. MAX: No, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a few minutes a day. LORELAI: Ouch. MAX: That was too strong. Maybe I am a little hungover. LORELAI: It's not a good day for keys or communication. MAX: You know what, I'll just bring the printer by later. LORELAI: Yeah, bring it tomorrow. MAX: I'll bring it tomorrow. LORELAI: Okay. I'll have the keys. CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Lorelai is sitting at the table paying bills. Rory is at the counter.] RORY: I can't believe school's already starting. LORELAI: Ugh. I used to hate school starting. I once flipped the pages back in a calendar my mom kept in the kitchen and tried to convince her it was June and not September. RORY: Didn't work? LORELAI: Hmm, oddly enough. RORY: I got an interesting call today. [sits at the table] LORELAI: Oh yeah, who? RORY: Dad. LORELAI: Cool. How is he? I..I..I talked to him last night. RORY: He mentioned that. LORELAI: Yeah, I was about to mention it myself. RORY: That's quite a coincidence. LORELAI: Yeah. Did I not mention it last night? RORY: Huh, no, not to my knowledge. LORELAI: I could've sworn I did. RORY: Why'd you call him? LORELAI: Oh, just to check in. RORY: At your bachelorette party? LORELAI: Seemed as good a time as any. RORY: To catch up on calls? LORELAI: Yeah, pretty much. RORY: Seems like a weird time. LORELAI: Did he call just to fink on me? RORY: No. He wanted to see what's up with you. He thought it was weird too. LORELAI: Heaven forbid I ever use the phone again. RORY: Was it when you told us you were calling Max? LORELAI: Somewhere around there. RORY: Why would you tell us you were calling Max? LORELAI: Honey, someday when you're a little older you will be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle. A fair-weather friend who seems benign but packs a wallop like a donkey kick, and that is the Long Island iced tea. The Long Island iced tea makes you do things that you normally wouldn't do, like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times. RORY: I'm not looking forward to meeting the Long Island iced tea. LORELAI: I'd definitely walk the other way. RORY: You know, Dad wants you to be happy. LORELAI: I know. RORY: And I really want you to be happy. LORELAI: I know, sweetie. RORY: You are happy about all this, aren't you? LORELAI: Don't I seem happy? RORY: I guess. LORELAI: Okay then. RORY: All right. I'll be in my room if you need me. LORELAI: Okay. CUT TO FRONT YARD [Lorelai comes out the front door and sees Luke taking a large wooden archway off the back of his truck.] LORELAI: What is that? LUKE: Oh, it's a chuppah. LORELAI: A what? LUKE: A chuppah. You stand under it, you and Max. It's for your wedding. LORELAI: Did you make that? LUKE: Yeah, I had some time, so here, give me a hand, huh? LORELAI: Luke, it's beautiful. LUKE: Yeah, well, I saw a picture in a book. The picture looked better. LORELAI: It's got carvings. Birds and flowers. LUKE: Yeah, there's also a goat. LORELAI: A goat! LUKE: Yeah, I don't know what it stands for, but it was in the picture, and you like goats, right? LORELAI: Yeah, goats are good. LUKE: Okay, so there you go. LORELAI: What on earth inspired you to do this? LUKE: You're getting married. You can't just stand in the hot sun in the middle of a lawn that hasn't been mowed in weeks. I guess he doesn't mow. LORELAI: No, Max isn't a mower. LUKE: Okay, you needed something. Here it is. I'll mow it if you want. LORELAI: We got a guy who does that. One of the Pete's from the nursery. LUKE: Big Pete? LORELAI: Little Pete. LUKE: He's the better of the Pete's. LORELAI: We've always thought so. Hey, aren't chuppahs Jewish? [They sit on the front porch steps] LUKE: Maybe. LORELAI: Is it okay that Max and I aren't Jewish? LUKE: It's okay by me. LORELAI: No, but I mean to stand under it. God won't smite us or anything? LUKE: I highly doubt it. Plus God'd probably have to get a license from Taylor to do any smiting in Stars Hollow on a weekend, so I'd say your safe. You know, I wasn't putting down Max. He seems like a really good guy. LORELAI: He is, and you were putting him down. LUKE: Yeah, well, I didn't mean to. LORELAI: Did you mean all those things you said about marriage? LUKE: What things? LORELAI: You really want me to repeat them to you? LUKE: No. I mean, I guess, for some people marriage, you know, isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean, it's probably better than being hobbled or something like that. LORELAI: And people can evolve together, don't you think? LUKE: Maybe. LORELAI: Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face. LUKE: Yeah, it got a little spooky. LORELAI: But cool. LUKE: Yeah, they were lucky. I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap, and doesn't want to change you or dress you or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right. But that's only if you find that person. LORELAI: Yeah, if you find that person. [They both get up and stand under the chuppah.] LORELAI: No one has ever made me a chuppah before. LUKE: Well, you only get married once. Theoretically. LORELAI: Yeah, you only get married once. [Shot from behind of them standing together under the chuppah.] CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory is on her bed reading as Lorelai rushes in.] LORELAI: Pack! RORY: What? LORELAI: Pack. RORY: What's going on? LORELAI: We are hitting the road. RORY: What? LORELAI: Pack everything. Traveling light is for girls. RORY: What's going on here? Why are we hitting the road? LORELAI: We haven't taken a road trip in forever and the weather is perfect. RORY: We can't take a road trip. You're getting married this weekend. LORELAI: Do you have my blue swimsuit? RORY: What about Max? LORELAI: Sunscreen, we need sunscreen. RORY: Mom, stop. LORELAI: What? RORY: Are you and Max getting married? LORELAI: No. RORY: Why? [Lorelai starts crying] LORELAI: Because I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night. RORY: Where are we going? LORELAI: We don't have to. RORY: Hot, cold, rocky, sandy, mountain, valley? LORELAI: I didn't really have a particular spot. RORY: Packing for all contingencies. Got it. Light layers. LORELAI: Yeah, light layers. RORY: Do you need a book? LORELAI: Um, that Colette biography. RORY: I lost your place in it. LORELAI: That's okay. I have to start over anyway. RORY: You got it. LORELAI: And hurry. RORY: Are we going tonight? LORELAI: First thing in the morning. RORY: Seven-ish? LORELAI: Five-ish. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: It'll be more like six-ish. RORY: Let's shoot for five-ish. LORELAI: You are crazy, and I love it. CUT TO LORELAI'S JEEP [Early the next morning, Lorelai and Rory are in Lorelai's jeep driving through Stars Hollow.] RORY: Wow, totally deserted. LORELAI: We're the last ones left. RORY: So are we almost there? LORELAI: We're almost there and nowhere near it. All that matters is we're going. RORY: We're practically gone already. LORELAI: Look out world. [They stop at the red light and stare at it, waiting for it to change.]

Plan: A: Emily; Q: Who regales the group with stories about the week before her wedding? A: Lorelai's bachelorette party; Q: What is the occasion for the trip to the drag club? A: Lorelai pause; Q: What does Emily's stories give Lorelai? A: marriage; Q: What is Lorelai having second thoughts about? A: their sweeties; Q: What do the other women go to call? A: Christopher; Q: Who does Lorelai call instead of Max? A: home; Q: Where does Lorelai announce to Rory that she is calling off the wedding? A: daughter; Q: What is Rory to Lorelai? A: the sympathies; Q: What do Lorelai and Rory want to avoid? Summary: Lorelai, Sookie, Emily, Michel, and Rory go to a drag club for Lorelai's bachelorette party; Emily regales the group with stories about the week before her wedding, some of which give Lorelai pause about her own feelings about marriage; when everyone else leaves to call their sweeties, Lorelai calls Christopher instead of Max; later that evening at home, Lorelai announces to Rory that she's calling the wedding off because she's realized that Max isn't the one for her; mother and daughter decide to take a road trip to avoid the sympathies of all of Stars Hollow.

A black teenaged girl is walking down an alley in a bad part of town looking scared. She looks over her shoulder from time to time as she speeds up. She is being pursued by three vampires. She comes to a dead end and turns to face the vampires. Steps and the sound of a car sound behind the vampires. One of them turns. Vampire: "You." Camera pans up from a pair of black shoes, black pants, a sword, long black coat, to the face of a black teenaged boy wearing a black bandana. Gunn: "You expecting somebody else?" A pick-up truck with more armed teenagers pulls up behind him and another teenager with a loaded crossbow steps up beside him. Credits. Cordelia, Wesley and Angel walk into a big Hollywood party going on at someone's house. Cordelia: "Oh, I miss that smell!" Wesley: "Camembert, I believe." Cordelia: "What? No - money - I like the smell of a little money once in a while." Angel: "She's not just saying that. Hide some in the office sometime to watch her. It's uncanny." Cordelia: "Oh, there he is." Points to a guy in a plaid shirt, sitting by himself. Cordelia: "Mr. Nabbit, hi!" Nabbit gets up: "Hi." Cordelia as they shake hands: "Hi." Nabbit: "Glad you could come." Cordy: "Thanks." Angel: "Thanks for having us." Nabbit: "It's a pleasure. - Who are you?" Cordy: "Oh. I'm Cordelia Chase? We spoke on the phone?" Nabbit holds out his hand to shake again: "Oh! Right! (They shake again) So - so you - you must be - Angel." Angel shakes his hand: "Yes. Pleased to meet you. And this is Wesley, my associate." Wesley: "Lovely party." Nabbit: "Isn't it nice?" Cordelia: "Oh my god, is that Welling Harding?" Nabbit: "I - I - I have no idea. I don't know most of - these people. I - I don't even talk to them. They come to the party. I - I think they have fun. (Offers them some appetizers) These are crab." Angel: "If this is a bad time we..." Nabbit: "Oh, uhm, Miss Chase said that you could - only meet at night." Angel: "Yeah, it's more convenient..." Nabbit: "And - and that we'd be less conspicuous during the party. (Angel looks at Cordy and she gives him a big grin and shrug before turning away) I mean, I think it's good! We probably won't be interrupted. - Well, I-I've always said that I would make a billion dollars in the Software market and, uh, learn to talk to girls. - Still working on step two." Angel: "So, why don't you tell us about your case?" Nabbit: "Oh. (They sit down on the sofa) Ah, my case. - It, uh, somewhat has to do with - black - mail." Angel: "Go on." Nabbit: "Are you familiar with Dungeons and Dragons?" Angel: "Yeah. I've seen a few." Wesley: "You mean the - ah, role playing game." Angel looks up at Wesley: "Oh - game. - Right." Nabbit: "Well, I used to play a lot in High School. You know, it was pretty cool. You get to be someone else for a while, a wizard, a warrior, you know, the whole world is magic, and fighting Troglodytes and romancing exotic - demon princesses and - you know, it's a rush!" Cordelia: "Did someone find out you were a big nerd?" Nabbit chuckling: "No that's - ah, that's actually public record. But - ah - some of us got *really* into it. Uh - specially the demon romance part. And then we heard about this place - where - the real... The guys were joking about getting some tail." Wesley: "You went to Madam Dorion's." Nabbit: "J-j-just once." Angel looks up at Wesley. Wesley: "It's a demon brothel." Nabbit: "Or twice." Wesley: "In Bel Air, I believe. The Watchers Council is *ripe* with stories about it." Angel: "Ah - and how many..." Nabbit: "Twelve - times." Angel: "...people knew about you going?" Nabbit: "Oh - ah, just my-my friends, but ah - (hands Angel a picture) but my security guys already identified the guy with the - pictures. That's Lenny Edwards but - I just can't find him." Angel puts the picture of a smoking bald guy in jacket and gets up. Angel: "Well, we'll see if we can do better." Nabbit: "If - if my stockholders see these pictures..." Angel: "They won't." Cordy: "Don't worry. We are incredibly discreet. We'll - ah mingle here for a few hours, so no one suspects." Girl as she walks by: "Hey, David." Nabbit: "Oh, hey. Nice-nice seeing you again. Yeah. (Shrugs to the guys) I have no idea. - When I moved to LA I thought it was all glamour and valet parking - but there is a *whole* world here that no one ever sees." Angel: "More than one." Back in that dead end alley the group of teens are fighting the vampires, and actually doing some damage by the stint of sheer numbers and co-operation. One vamp gets nailed by a stake gun mounted on the pick-up truck as he is about to kill one of the boys. Another one, fighting against five teens, gets beheaded by Gunn. The guy with the stake gun nails another vamp that is lunges at him in mid air, then starts kicking the gun (jammed?). A vamp breaks one of the boys necks then runs, while a fifth gets staked behind him. The vamp jumps on the truck and kicks the gunner as Alonna yells a warning. Alonna: "Bobby! Bobby!" The vamp and Bobby fight, as the vamp is about to kill the boy Alonna attacks him with her pike. Gunn comes running, too, and the vamp takes off, with others (not sure if they are vamps or teens) running after. One of the teens aims a crossbow after them, but Gunn pushes it down. Gunn: "No, no, no. (points after the vamp) Dog him." Alonna is trying to lift Bobby, who is hanging head down over the side of the truck. Alonna: "Gunn, come on. Come on." Gunn helps her and they get Bobby into the bed of the truck. Gunn to the driver: "Go!" Truck drives off. They stop in front of a deserted building. Alonna and Gunn help Bobby inside while the others cover the truck with a tarp then follow. Gunn: "Alright. Here you go. I got you. Alright, you're gonna make it, man. Come on - two more. Easy - easy." Alonna: "Right down here." They ease Bobby to the ground. Bobby: "Hey, Gunn." Gunn: "Right here man." Bobby: "He picked me up like I was a baby." Gunn: "He's dust, Bobby, forget about him." Bobby: "I'm not a baby." Alonna: "He needs a doctor." Bobby stops moving. Gunn: "Not any more." Gunn gets up: "James - how are we fixed for tonight?" James: "Beck and me lifted some canned stuff. Wasn't much in the bins behind Mel's - and we got that (motions towards three other teens) I told them we don't take squatters." Gunn: "Everybody eats." Angel is walking in to Madam Dorion's. There are all types of demon girls sitting with customers (one of them looks like one of Jhiera's girls). Madam Dorion intercepts Angel as he walks deeper into the establishment. Madam: "We don't do vampires. Sorry." Angel: "I just came to talk." Madam: "We don't do that either." Angel shows her the picture: "His name is Lenny Edwards. You know him?" Madam leading Angel towards the exit: "Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you." Angel: "You're discreet. That's good." Madam: "Essential in my line of work." Angel: "How discreet would you say it is for one of your clients to be secretly photographed here - and then blackmailed?" Madam: What?" Angel: "Bad for business, I guess. You tell me where I can find Lenny Edwards and maybe I just might stop this before word hits the street." Madam: "Who is the girl?" Angel: "I don't know. But the clients name is David Nabbit." Madam: "Lina! (A girl with quills for hair comes over) Talk to Lina." Lina runs a hand over Angel's chest: "Oh, he's a pretty one." Madam: "He's a vampire, Lina." Lina: "Really? Well, we can make an exception. Just don't do - that face thing, and we'll get along great. (She turns around to face Madam Dorian holding up her hands) Look, ma, no hands!" Angel looks down, lets out a breath and catches the girls tail in one hand. Madam: "That's not why he's here, Lina." Angel sighs and holds out the picture: "I'm looking for him? (Lina sighs) - I think your boss here would like you to co-operate." Lina looks at her boss then back at Angel. Lina: "Vampires." The kids hideout. Alonna crouches down beside a guy. Alonna: "See my brother?" Guy points to where Gunn is coming down the stairs. Alonna: "Gunn, we need to talk." Gunn: "Yeah, what of?" Alonna: "What happened to Bobby..." Gunn: "No! No. We don't talk about that. That's done." Alonna: "We're dying here, Gunn." Gunn: "Everybody dies. I'm just trying to make sure that when we die, we stay dead." Alonna: "It shouldn't have gone down the way it did. You're getting reckless." Gunn: "I do what I got to do." Alonna: "No, you do more than you got to do. Three weeks, G. Three weeks and no teeth and you had to ring the dinner bell like that? You just couldn't go another day without getting a little death in, could you?" Gunn: "You think I like this?" Alonna: "No, I think you love it. And you won't quit until you get as close to death as you possibly can." Gunn: "You're wrong." Alonna: "I hope so. - Because I don't want to lose you, too." Gunn takes her hand: "Hey. That's not gonna happen little sister. - All right? It's never gonna happen." Kisses her on the forehead. Gunn sees two guys come down the stairs. Gunn: "Yo, Chain! You found them?" Chain: "Dead boy led me right to its nest. It's close - practically right around the corner." Gunn: "Nice." Chain: "Four blocks - right next to the old Blue Jean factory." Gunn shakes his hand: "All right. Cool. Now we got a chance to do some real damage." Guy hurries down the stairs, loaded crossbow in hand. Guy: "Incoming! Moving this way fast. Jumping roof top to roof top." Gunn to Chain: "You were followed?" Chain: "No way." Gunn: "Let's check it out." They all head up the stairs. Lenny is about to get in his car when Angel comes up behind him. Lenny: "What do you want?" Angel: "Big question. What do I want? (Thinks) Love - family - a place on this planet I can call my own - but you know what?" Lenny: "What?" Angel: "I'm never going to have any of those things. - And unless these next few minutes go exactly the way I want them to, neither are you. - Where are the pictures of David Nabbit?" Lenny: "Never heard of him." Angel: "Oh-ho, you only get one lie. I probably should have mentioned that first." Lenny pats Angel on the shoulder: "Look, pal, you obviously not form around here. (Gunn and his gang come up to watch from behind some iron bars) But trust me - you do *not* want to see my bad side." Angel: "You show me yours (vamps out) I show you mine. (Grabs Lenny and pushes him up against the car) Okay, so now I'm from around here. In fact, I'm moving in. Taking over, you understand me? I will dog you every night for the rest of your very short life until you bring me what I want. Are we clear? (Lenny nods frantically) Yeah. See you tomorrow." Angel gives Lenny a last shove. Lenny turns to unlock his car door, then looks back. Angel is gone. Lenny gets in the car and drives off. Chain: "Vampire is moving in, huh?" Gunn nods: "Yeah. Well, he ain't gonna stay too long." Wesley and Cordelia are standing in front of David Nabbit while he writes out a check. Nabbit: "Ah. This should take care of your expenses to date. I want you to know I really appreciate what you did at the party." Wesley: "At the party? (Nabbit nods and Wesley and Cordy look at each other) What we did at the party?" Cordy: "It was a wonderful party." Nabbit: "We talked. We had some good times. It meant a lot to me." Cordy: "Oh." Wesley: "Yes, but - you were paying us to be there." Nabbit: "I do that all the time. But you guys actually hung with me. It was - it was special." He holds the check out to Wesley, but Cordy grabs it. Cordy: "I'm in charge of the..." She sees the amount of the check and, speechless, shows it to Wesley. Wesley: "Good Lord. I think there must be some mistake." Cordy: "I'm sure Mr. Nabbit knows how to write a check." Nabbit: "No, there is no mistake. I just - believe in rewarding good work." Wesley: "This is amazingly generous, Mr. Nabbit, but - we are really not finished with the job." Nabbit: "It's only money, and I got sack-fulls, and it's - it's David. You guys call me David, okay?" Cordy: "I like David. It's such a - strong, masculine name. (Nabbit grins at her) It just feels - good in your mouth." Wesley: "Well, - David, you won't be disappointed. We'll earn every cent of your generous confidence in our firm." Cordy: "Bye." Nabbit: "Bye." Wesley as he leads Cordy out: "Feels good in your mouth?" Cordy: "I was flustered!" Lenny is sitting on the hood of his car holding a brown manila envelope in his hands, looking around. Suddenly Angel is there. Lenny: "You're a sneaky son of a bitch, aren't you?" Angel: "You brought the photographs?" Lenny holds up the envelope: "Of course I brought them - and a little something extra." A gray skinned demon appears next to Angel and hits him hard enough that he flies a few feet backwards through the air. Lenny: "Love that." Angel and the demon fight. The demon is at least as strong as Angel. Lenny: "What ever he's paying you isn't enough, is it, big fellow?" During the fight Angel crashes into Lenny, making him drop the envelope. Angel picks it up and puts it inside his coat, then swings around a lamp post and continues to fight the demon. At the end he manages to break the demon's neck. While Angel catches himself on the ground, coughing, trying to recover from the fight, Lenny runs off. A stake impales Angel through his left shoulder, poking out the front. Grabbing a hold of it Angel looks back to see Gunn's gang with their pick-up truck and stake gun. He gets up, pulling out the stake and runs with the truck in close pursuit. Gunn: "Get him!" Angel keeps zigzagging and tossing trashcans and other stuff in front of the truck to make it swerve and mess up the gunner aim as he runs down the street. He rolls underneath a partially open warehouse door and gets up to lean against it, panting. The wooden rams mounted on the hood of the truck come through the door, just missing him. Angel runs deeper into the warehouse stumbling against some boxes. He steps on a plate on the floor. A pallet with stakes mounted to the bottom drops from the ceiling and Angel rolls to avoid getting impaled. A guy with a stake in hand jumps him from behind. Angel grabs his up raised hands and after a short struggle tosses him over his head onto the floor in front of him. The guy sees the stake coming for his own heart and freezes in fear. Angel takes a breath, drops the stake and runs on, the guy staring after him in surprise. Angel runs through a trip wire and triggers some crossbows as he runs down a hallway but Angel manages to dodge the quarrels. The gang attacks him from all sides and after tossing a couple around Angel grabs a hold of Alonna and uses her as a shield. Gunn: "Alonna! - Don't shoot." Angel: "What are you people playing at?" Gunn: "We're not playing." Angel: "You're gonna get yourselves killed." Gunn: "We're gonna get *you* killed first!" Chain: "Let's dust him." Angel looks at them for a moment then tosses Alonna aside. Alonna falls into a trip-cord and a crossbow goes off. Angel reaches out and intercepts the quarrel headed for Alonna with the palm of his hand. Everybody stares. Angel: "Ow! - You know, for some reason I'm getting the impression you don't like me too much! (Pulls the quarrel out of his hand) Maybe I'm just over-reacting." Gunn: "What? You're gonna pretend that you're different from the rest of them?" Angel: "Yeah. And then I just pretend that I just saved her life. - You put a lot of work into this. Some clever stuff really. I'm impressed - but I have a few suggestions." Gunn: "I don't think we're interested." Angel: "Yeah. You should be. Who do you think that would have killed? We are fighting on the same side." Chain: "The same side of what?" Angel: "I didn't come here to kill you." Gunn lowers his crossbow and steps closer: "It don't matter why you're here, or what you are. If you ever show your face down here again, don't count on any long good-byes." The gang leaves and Angel sinks down on top of a barrel, wincing from the pain in his side. Wesley is taking the pictures the Angel recovered over to where Cordy is bandaging Angel's shoulder and middle. Wesley: "That's very nice work. I'm sure Nabbit will be greatly relieved to get these back. (Sits down next to Angel on the edge of the desk, looking at one of the pictures) Oh my." Angel: "It's upside down." Wesley turns the picture around and they both look at it as Cordy puts the last piece of tape in place. Wesley: "Certainly not something one would want framed." Cordy: "How does it feel?" Wesley: "I can't possibly imagine it's pleasant." Angel: "Ew." Cordy: "I'm talking to Angel." Angel and Wesley look at her. Wesley: "Oh, right. Sorry." Angel gets up: "It feels (Winces as he pulls on his shirt) it feels better." Cordy: "You should rest. You look like..." Angel: "Like I've been beaten and stabbed?" Cordy: "Want to see the check again?" Angel: "I want to find those kids. I don't think any of them have homes. They're probably living together somewhere." Wesley: "How many are there?" Angel: "I'm not sure. 6, 7, maybe more? A couple of them couldn't have been more than 16." Cordy: "God. 20 minutes ride from billionaires and crab puffs - kids going to war." Angel: "This isn't something they just started doing. I mean, they were ready. They've been pushed to this." Wesley: "In which case I can certainly understand their - stake first and ask questions later state of mind. It's how they survive." Cordy: "And the idea of a - vampire in a white hat probably seems a little - give me a breaky?" Angel: "They're in over their heads. They're going to get themselves killed. If they're hunting vampires there has to be a nest in the area. Wesley, I want you to find out where those kids live." Wesley: "Consider it done." Angel: "I'm gonna find that nest - before they do. - It'll have to be close - probably in a 10 block area (winces in pain as he pulls on his coat) and it'll have to be a building with sewer access. (Steps into the elevator, still clearly hurting. Turns back) Can I just see that check again?" [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the vampire nest and their balding lead-vamp talking. Knox: "Street trash - that's what they are. Just stupid, human street trash. For 70 years we ruled this neighborhood. It was our neighborhood. Used to be decent people lived here - working people. And now? - You can't even finish one without wanting to puke! - And whose fault is it? Hmm? Theirs? - I don't think so. - It's our fault. We let this happen. We got lazy. We dropped our guard. (Turns to the vamp that ran from Gunn's gang) Ty, you've been lured into an ambush before? (Ty shakes his head) Of course not. - Ty has been around for almost as long as me. He's survived, like me, because he's smart. (Claps Ty on the shoulder) But they did this to him - and that means that they could do it to any-one of us. And why? Because this street trash (pulls out a stake) ain't afraid to go for the heart. (Dusts Ty) And now that's what we're gonna do. No more picking them off one by one. We concentrate on the heart. Take the heart and the rest will fall." Cut to the kids hide-out. Chain: "I don't want to hear this." Alonna: "I'm saying he could be useful." Chain: "Gunn, don't even listen to her." Alonna: "You know there is something different about him. I'm just saying, he knows stuff that we don't and he didn't have to do what he did." Chain: "And if he hadn't, he would have been dead." Gunn: "Maybe." Chain: "No maybe. We would have killed him." Gunn: "The guy bugs me, Alonna.' Alonna: "Everybody bugs you." Gunn: "You bug me the most." Alonna: "What? - I'm trying to keep you alive. I'm not saying, trust him." Gunn: "It just don't play. I mean, if he's not looking to kill, what's he want? And why the hell would he come to a place like this?" Angel is walking into the deserted vampire nest, carrying a stake in his right hand. There is a vampire hiding on the pipes running along the ceiling. The vampire drops down, but Angel just casually steps to one side then pulls the vamp up off the floor and slams him against the wall. Angel: "Where are they?" Alonna is walking up to Gunn, who is working on some type of machinery. Alonna: "Hey. I got some food." Gunn: "I'm not hungry." Alonna: "Not hungry? When's the last time you ate?" Gunn: "Oh, seems like just yesterday." Alonna: "Well, Poe went to the market." Gunn: "Alone?" Alonna: "No, Jason had his back. They got away clean." Gunn: "Oh, yeah, like last time?" Alonna: "No, no cops this time, no chase. (Offers him some bread) Come on, you eat this. (Gunn shakes his head) Well, they got some other stuff. They got - ah, hamburger, and some apples and lots of other stuff. (Gunn stops working to listen to something) Looks like we're gonna have a home cooked meal tonight. (Notices Gunn's attention is off her) What?" Gunn gets up: "Get everybody out." Alonna: "What is it?" Gunn: "Just do it! Now!" Alonna starts to yell at the others to get going as Gunn picks up a sword and a smoke grenade flies through a narrow window under the ceiling. Gunn: "Get everybody outside - into the daylight. Do it." Guy: "They are coming in? Don't they have to be invited?" Gunn: "Chain!" Chain comes to stand beside him: "Cops?" Gunn: "I don't know." Chain: "Are they in? - Where are they?" Alonna to the kids running up the stairs: "Go! Go! Go!" Chain: "I don't see nothing. - There is nothing." Gunn: "Oh god. - Alonna!" They run up the stairs after the others. Gunn: "Alonna!" As Alonna drops over the railing to the floor of the alley a van pulls up. A heavily swaddled guy wearing a gas mask jumps out and grabs her. Gunn: "Alonna!" Alonna: "No! Help! Help! No. Gunn!" Alonna is dragged into the back of the van and the doors slammed shut just as Gunn gets there. He runs after the van as it drives off and jumps onto the back bumper. He gets a view of two vampires snacking on his screaming sister in the back of the van. One of the vamps looks up and puts his fist through the back window, knocking Gunn of the van. Wesley and Cordelia are cruising the neighborhood in Angel's convertible. Cordy: "You know - there is nothing like riding in a convertible - with the top down to make you see the sun and the sand (Wesley stops the car and scans the area through a pair of binoculars) Mmm - smell that salt air!" Wesley: "That's not salt." Cordy: "I don't think it's *air* either, - but reality is a choice, Wesley. You see what you wanna see and I see what I wanna see." Wesley: "A man exiting an alley pushing a shopping cart." Cordy leaning back with her eyes closed: "No - I see a very tan life-guard type with large..." Wesley: "No, over there. (Cordy looks) These kids must have got electricity into their building. They might have tapped into one of the power lines and run it illegally. If I could spot the tap, that would tell us where their hide-out is. You go ask this gentleman if he's seen anyone that fits the description of our young vampire killers, while I check the power line for any taps." Cordy: "Uh, why don't you ask him and I check for taps?" Wesley: "Because - you can imagine him as a scantily clad, buff, young stud, while I am stuck with the naked truth." Angel grabs one of the kids on guard (James) in a hallway to their hideout. Angel: "Ask me in." The gang is gearing up for a fight. Angel comes in pushing James into the room in front of him. Angel: "You are going to get a lot of people killed.' Gunn looks at the kid that was on guard. James: "I suck, okay?" Gunn to Angel: "You don't want to be here." Angel: "Going after them is what they expect you to do." Gunn: "I don't need advice from some middle- class white dude, that's dead! You don't know what my life is. You have no idea what it's like down here." Angel: "Some of you will die, maybe all of you." Chain with a flame-thrower strapped to his back: "People die all the time - some just for talking too much." Gunn: "We're done." Angel: "Look, I can help you. Unless, of course, death is what you're after - then you're on your own." Gunn: "I'm always on my own." Angel: "It doesn't have to be that way. Why can't we do this together?" Gunn pulls a rope attached to the tarp covering the window, and while Angel shies away from the direct sunlight he pushes Angel into an old meat locker. Gunn: "You figure it out." He slams the door shut. Angel bangs against it but it doesn't budge. Gunn to the other kids: "Let's go." It's dark by the time the truck pulls up in front of the vampire nest. Gunn: "Hold up. Give me 10 minutes to check it out." Chain: "What if you're not back in 10?" Gunn: "Come on down and kill anything that moves." Gunn slowly walks down into the lair, stake held in his right hand. He stops in the middle of a big room as he hears Alonna humming. Gunn: "Alonna?" Alonna: "Hey, big brother. (Gunn lets out a relieved sigh as Alonna comes out) What took you so long?" Gunn walks up to her smiling: "You're not... (Stares at her unblemished neck and starts to frown) dead." Alonna: "Well..." Gunn shakes his head: "No." Alonna: "Shh! Don't be sad. - I'm not." Gunn: "They killed you." Alonna: "Do I look dead to you? - I am stronger, faster and better than ever. - Wanna see?" Laughs as she pushes against his chest sending him sailing through the air. Angel is still banging in vain against the door of the meat locker. He switches to the wall beside the door and after a while manages to punch a hole in it. Alonna: "We were on the right track - just on the wrong team. All that rage and hatred we got? We get to keep all that, only on this side there is no guilt, no grief - just the hunt and the kill - and the fun! And come on, how often did we go out in the daylight anyway?" Gunn: "Alonna, I can't do this!" Alonna: "You were made for this. - Oh, and all that misery and moping gone, I promise you." Gunn: "I was never gonna let anything happen to you. I was supposed to protect you. You were my sister." Alonna: "I still am. (Gunn shakes his head) So why don't you kill me? - Why *don't* you? (Spread her arms wide - Gunn just looks at her) Ah! *You* can't! Because you got the guilt - and I got the greatest guilt cure ever. I can free you! We can be together - our family can stay together - forever." Angel sticks his hand through the hole but can't reach the handle. A hand reaches past his bruised and bleeding knuckles and opens the door. Cordy: "Trying to open that? (Angel leans against the doorjamb, looking at Cordy and Wesley) They locked you in, huh?" Angel: "No. I just love old meat lockers." Wesley: "You should've tried to call us on your cell phone. - You probably forgot you had it." Angel takes his cell phone out and looks at it. Angel: "These things hardly ever work. Besides it was a lot easier and quicker to just (mimes punching a hole and grimaces, shaking his hand) - Look, I'm the boss here, I say when we use the cell phones and people are gonna die and - I have to go." Leaves. Cordy yells after him: "You're welcome!" Alonna: "Remember when we were kids - in that shelter on Plummer Street, hmm? (Gunn nods) Second floor was all rotted out. - You used to dare kids to cross, and of *course* you were the best at it, because you were the - you were the bravest. I wanted to be like you so bad, so I went up, and the floor gave out. I would have broken my neck, but - you'd been watching me the whole time. You were standing right below - and you caught me. - Ever since I can remember you've been looking out for me. - But you don't have to any more, because I'm good, and it's my turn to look out for you now." Gunn: "How?" Alonna: "Look at you. You're running and hiding, cold and hungry. You call that living? (Gunn looks down) You're the one that's falling now. Let me catch you. - Don't you want to stop falling? (Gunn nods slightly) I'm gonna fix it. (Morphs into her vamp-face) Oh, say goodbye to everything you ever knew." She wraps one arm around his neck and stretches up to bite him. Gunn: "Good-bye." He pushes the stake into her chest as she stares at him shaking her head. The dust settles to reveal Angel standing a little ways away. Angel: "Let's get out of here." The door behind Gunn opens and the rest of the gang charges in as Gunn lets the stake drop from his hand. Chain: "Dude! What are you waiting on? (Sees Angel and moves towards him) How did he get out?" Gunn holds him back: "Yo, don't. We're leaving." Chain: "Leaving?" Vampires step out all around them. Knox: "I don't think so. - She was so sweet (steps up to Gunn) your sister - so smooth going down, if you know what I mean. - You wanted a war? Well, this is it." Angel: "Here is the deal: you can go.' Knox turns to stare at Angel: "What?" Angel: "*If* you go now - and I don't ever see any of you again, you get to live." Knox chuckles and walks towards Angel: "Are you high?" Angel: "LA is my territory, you want to stay out of it for the rest of your eternal lives. These kids, my town, off limits form now on." Knox: "Who the hell are you? You know who you're talking to, you fool?" Angel: "The name's Angelus. (Stakes Knox) And I wasn't actually talking to you. (Looks at the other vamps) So - do we have a truce? Or do you wanna die?" The vamps look at each other shifting uncomfortably. Chain: "Truce? (To Gunn) We can take them." Angel: "Not without them taking a couple of you." Chain: "Gunn, you came all this way, you're not gonna kill any vamps?" Gunn, still looking at Angel: "I already did." He turns to go and the gang and the vamps one by one follow his example and just leave. Wesley stares at the whipped cream mounded on top of the cup he receives from a street vendor. Wesley: "I asked for a coffee. I know it must be in here someplace. (To Cordy) Are you alright? You haven't said two words since we left the office." Cordy: "Oh, I was just thinking about those kids." Wesley: "Yes. That place was pretty awful." Cordy: "And I thought my first apartment was bad. Can you believe people actually live there?" They sit down on a park bench. Wesley: "Well, it certainly gives one a sense of perspective, doesn't it?" Cordy: "Yes, it does. - And I think, prespectively speaking, I might want to - prostitute myself to billionaire David Nabbit." Wesley chokes on his coffee. Wesley: "Cordelia." Cordy: "What I mean is - he's a nice guy who wants companionship. I could use some security. So when I say 'prostitute' what I mean is.." Wesley: "Prostitute." Cordy: "For instance." Wesley: "Do you think you really could?" Cordy: "I don't know. - I could probably learn to love him. Looks aren't everything - or chemistry - personality, that's important. And except for a lot of other - It's not what's on the outside that - Yeah. Never mind. - I'm *fine* here. - Poor - alone." Camera zooms up from behind on Gunn, looking out at night time LA. Angel comes up beside him. Gunn: "What are you doing here?" Angel: "Skulking - professionally." Gunn: "Look, I'm glad for what you did, okay? But I don't need no Guardian Angel, and I don't need no talking to. It's not gonna change the way things are down here, man. They're gonna keep coming, and we're gonna keep fighting." Angel: "I know." Gunn: "That's it? You ain't gonna talk *at* me, - be all daddy-figure?" Angel: "What am I gonna tell you - that you haven't already learned?" Gunn: "I killed her." Angel: "You didn't." Gunn: "Near enough. - She was the reason, man. - How come you do it? How come you're out here?" Angel: "What else are we gonna do? - I'll be around." Gunn: "I don't need no help." Angel: "I might." After a moment Gunn looks over at Angel, but he's gone.

Plan: A: A case; Q: What sends Angel into a rough part of town? A: a guy name; Q: What is Gunn? A: Gunn; Q: What is the name of the leader of the vampire hunters? A: their heads; Q: Angel is concerned that the kids are in over what? A: big trouble; Q: What kind of trouble are Gunn and his friends in? A: a hand; Q: What does Angel Inc. lend? Summary: A case sends Angel into a rough part of town. While he's there he meets up with a young group of vampire hunters, headed by a guy name Gunn. Angel is concerned that the kids are in over their heads as they battle vamps. He tries to help them, but they aren't willing to believe that he's one of the White Hats. Gunn and his friends are soon in big trouble and it's up to the gang from Angel Inc. to lend a hand before it's too late.

Act 1 A NIGHT AT THE THEATRE Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, Frasier comes in from the bedrooms. Frasier: Well, I better be heading out. Niles and I are meeting for dinner, and then we have tickets to the theatrical event of the season. Martin: Oh, really? Frasier: Yes, Sir Trevor Aimsley in "Tears of the Mariner." Martin: Oh. Frasier: It promises to be a very exciting evening. You see, Seattle is Sir Trevor's last stop on his farewell tour. After this, he's retiring from the stage forever. Martin: "Tears of the Mariner." You know, I think I read a review of that. Thought it was one of those baseball stories like "Pride of the Yankees", you know? But it's just about some crabby old sailor, stuck in this little town... Frasier: No, no, Dad, please. I have carefully avoided all the reviews of this play. I do not want to hear about it before I see it. Martin: Well, I don't want to hear about it after you see it. Frasier opens the door, Daphne is there with her keys out. Frasier: Oh, hello Daphne. Martin: Hey, Daph. Daphne: That's it? "Hello Daphne"? Haven't you seen the paper? Martin: Well, I glanced at it. Why, did I miss something? Opens the paper to the back page and gives it to him. Daphne: Look! Martin: [laughing] Oh, my gosh! Is that you? Daphne: Yes! Frasier: Well, good heavens, it's kind of hard to tell. You've got your back turned to the camera, your skirts blown up around your... Oh, well, it must've been rather blustery out. Daphne: I was in the park yesterday, and this photographer snapped my picture for the "It's Your Seattle" column - the one where they show some average person out and about, then use their name on the column. For instance, if they used a picture of Mr. Crane, the caption would read "Martin Crane's Seattle." Or if they took one of you it would say "Frasier Crane's Se-" Frasier: Yes, we get it. Daphne: Well, don't crinkle it, I want to send it home to my family. Martin: You sure about that? Daphne: Oh, don't be such an old fogey. So I'm bending down and me knickers are showing a bit, but my family'll still be proud as peacocks when they see that: "Daphne Moon's Seattle". Martin and Frasier share a smile. Frasier: She certainly does. He heads for the door. Fade out. Scene 2 - In Front of the Theater Fade in. Frasier and Niles approach the entrance, sipping coffee. Frasier: Niles, will you just stop it? The dinner was just fine. Niles: It was not fine. I made those reservations weeks ago. They seated us so close to the kitchen I'm surprised they didn't make us wear hair nets. Frasier: I'm sure it was just a mix-up. Niles: It's not a mix-up. It's part of an alarming trend I've noticed ever since Maris and I parted company. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Last week, Roberta Phipps snubbed me at the opera. I wasn't even invited to that gala fundrasier for St. Andrew's Orphanage. Frasier: You can still send money to the children. Niles: As usual, you've missed the point. I'm being shut out. It's as if someone snuck into my world and changed all the locks. They throw their cups away. Frasier: Oh, Niles. [pulling out the tickets] Well, at least you don't have to worry about that tonight. After you. Niles: Evening. Usher: Tickets, please. They give them over. Usher: Oh, I'm sorry sir, these aren't for this performance. Niles: What? Frasier: What? But they say for the sixteenth, that's the sixteenth right there, that's today. Usher: Yes sir, they were for the matinee. Niles: Oh, no, no there has to be some mistake, let me just... Oh, dear God. Frasier: I'm so sorry, Niles. Niles: Well, surely you must hold some tickets aside for emergencies. We'll take anything, anything at all. Frasier: Yes, even mezzanine. Usher: If you like, you can try your luck in the cancellation line. Niles: How could this happen? I have to see this play. I have to have people see me see this play. If I'm not seen seeing this play, you see... Frasier: Niles, Niles, Niles! I will make a simple phone call and we'll get house seats for tomorrow night, all right? The two walk past the cancellation line. Niles: I suppose so. Come on, let's go. The last thing I need is for someone to see us loitering out here like gutter riff- raff pathetically scrounging for last minute tickets. The people in the cancellation line are not really happy with this description and Frasier notices them. Frasier: Good luck! [SCENE_BREAK] ANOTHER NIGHT AT THE THEATRE Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment The doorbell rings. Fade in. Frasier answers the door to reveal Niles. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Hello, I know I'm a bit early, I was hoping we could get a bite to eat before the theater. Frasier: Actually, Niles... Niles: Yeah, yeah, it'll be on me of course, as a thank you for getting those replacement tickets. Frasier: Yes, about the tickets... Niles: I know, I owe you money. And my gratitude. And if I keep talking, you won't be able to tell me you weren't able to get the tickets. Frasier: Just haven't been able to get them yet... Niles: Oh, I KNEW you wouldn't get them! Frasier: Niles, please. Niles: Oh, and now it's too late. It's six o'clock. Frasier: Please, just calm down. I've made a few well placed calls, I haven't heard back from a couple of people. Someone will call. Niles: Well, someone better call. Because everyone who's anyone is seeing this play. And you know who you are if you're not anyone? You're NO ONE. And I've been someone much too long to start being no one now. Martin comes in from the bedrooms. Martin: Oh, hey, I thought no one was here. [Niles begins to throw another fit] Frasier: Niles, please, just relax. One way or another, we are going to get tickets to this play. Martin: You two still going on about those tickets? If this play is any good at all, in a coupla years they'll do it down at the dinner theater and you can get a nice prime rib with it. Niles and Frasier are shocked and stand with their mouths agape in their classic "Did he actually SAY that?" look. Frasier: Dad, you don't understand. You see, this isn't just about the play. This is literally our last opportunity to see one of the finest actors of our time. Martin: You just want to go 'cause all your snobby friends are goin' and you don't want to feel left out. Niles: What we want is to sit at a theater and share a transcendent experience. Martin: That nobody else could get tickets to. Frasier: Of course. That's the transcendent part. Frasier and Martin share a smile at this. The phone rings, Niles eagerly picks it up and hands it to Frasier. Frasier: Hello? ... Yes, I'll hold. [to Niles] It's Cleo Fenwick. Niles: Cleo Fenwick? Frasier: Yes, you remember her, she's on the board of the theater. You've seen her: bad eye-job, dowager's hump you could cross the Sahara on. [into phone] Hello, Cleo, you lovely thing. Uh-huh. Oh, well, you're a dear for trying. Thanks. Oh, don't despair Niles, I'm getting another call. Hello? Yes, Dora! Yes, uh-huh. Too bad. Well, thank you. Yeah, oh, that is a wonderful idea, yes I will! Thank you, bye-bye. [He disconnects.] Niles: She has a lead for us? Frasier: Yes, she said I should call Cleo Fenwick. Niles: This is hopeless. Frasier: Niles, there is another way. Niles: You don't mean... Frasier: Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain. Martin gets up and heads for the kitchen. Niles: You can't be serious. It's unthinkable. Frasier: Niles, what other choice do we have? Niles: But the indignity, it reeks of desperation. Martin: Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line. [exits to kitchen] Frasier and Niles look at each other dumbfounded. Niles: What did he think we were talking about? Frasier shrugs, just as confused. Fade out. Scene 4 - In Front of the Theater Fade in. Niles and Frasier are at the head of the cancellation line. Niles: Oh no it's Stephen and Susan Kendall. Quick, turn around. If they see us here, we'll be ruined. They know everybody. Frasier: Yes, I know. Their Sunday brunches are a Who's Who of Seattle's elite. Niles: [glancing over his shoulder] I think it's safe. No one saw us. Roz: [calling out and hurrying over] Hey, Frasier! Niles! Frasier: Roz. What are you doing here? Niles: And how did you get tickets? Roz: Oh, a friend of mine couldn't use hers, so she gave them to me. I asked my cute new dentist, he's a big fan of Sir What's-his-face. Frasier: You refer to the world's greatest living actor as... Niles: Now, now, Frasier. Roz may not be familiar with Sir Trevor, but I'm sure she'll enjoy the play. I trust you got good seats? Roz: [taking the tickets out to check] Ooh. I think so. Row C? Niles: Row C. Excellent. [then] Look, a whole bunch of naked men. Roz turns around and Niles grabs the tickets in her hand but she doesn't let go. Roz: What are you doing? Niles: Give me those, you philistine! You don't even know his name! Roz: Are you crazy?! She kicks him in the shin, causing him to yelp "Ouch!" and let go of the tickets. Roz's date walks up. Rob: Ready to go, Roz? Roz: Yes. Niles: Dr. Mandell? Rob: Oh, hi, Niles. Roz: You two know each other? Rob: Sure. How's the teeth bleaching going? Both Roz and Frasier look very smugly at Niles upon hearing this. Niles: [folding his lips over his teeth] Fine, thanks. Roz: Let's go, Rob. It's a long way to row C from the cancellation line. [She heads for the entrance.] Rob: Hang in there, guys. I wouldn't be surprised if you get lucky. Niles: I'd be stupefied if you didn't. Rob looks confused for a moment, then follows Roz. Frasier: I knew you were bleaching them. Niles: Oh... Frasier: "No, really, I just changed toothpastes." Susan: Is that Niles Crane? And Frasier. The Kendalls come over. Frasier: Oh, Susan. Niles: Stephen. Susan: We're seeing everybody tonight. It simply... oh, dear. You're not waiting for a cancellation, are you? Niles: Is that what this is? Frasier: I feel just... Look at us. Blocking these poor unfortunates who couldn't get tickets. Seller: I got one pair left. Who's next? Usher: Curtain going up. Frasier: [ushering the Kendalls along] Curtain going up, shall we? Seller: Next in line, please. Susan: Niles, you coming? Niles: I, uh... Frasier: You'll have to forgive my brother. You see, he's too ashamed to admit he's just waiting for one last cigarette. It's all right, Niles, you go right ahead, I'll just see the Kendalls in. Niles: OK. Stephen: Thank God, another smoker. Darling, maybe I'll just stay and have a cigarette with Niles. Seller: Do you want these tickets, sir? Niles: Me? Oh, oh, no, no! [He steps aside for the next people in line.] Susan: Stephen, please. I'd really like to sit down. Stephen: All right. Niles, we'll make a date. I'll meet you right here at intermission and we'll have a smoke. Niles: Oh, right here is where I'll be. Frasier: Enjoy. Susan: See you later. The Kendalls go into the theater. Frasier: Well, this is just perfect. Not only are we missing the play, but now we have to hang around here until intermission, so they don't catch on to us. Niles: Oh, what are you complaining about? I'm the one who has an hour to learn how to smoke. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - In Front of the Theater Frasier is sitting on a light post base. Niles has a cigarette out. The theater starts emptying for intermission. Frasier: Niles! They're coming out. Come on, let's blend in. He notices Niles trying a variety of ways to hold the cigarette. Frasier: Niles, what are you doing? Niles: I'm practicing. I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of "The Petrified Forest." Frasier: Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience. Come on. Oh, there they are, let's go. They walk over to the Kendall's. Stephen: Oh, well, you got out here quickly. I guess you needed one of these more than I did, huh? Niles: Yes, well, when you enjoy smoking as much as I do, noth... [Having taken a puff, he breaks down coughing.] Susan: Oh, bye-bye. Feel better, I'll call you. Stephen: The Gornleys. Kendra isn't feeling well, Richard is taking her home. Oh, there's Mikki and Lyle. Susan: Poor old dears, they could only get balcony. Stephen: Still, we should say hello. They are your parents. Excuse us. They walk off. Niles: [crushing out his cigarette] My God, these things are turning me green! Frasier: Never mind that, Niles. The Gornleys are not coming back. Let's go sneak into their seats and watch the second act. Niles: Let's go! They rush to the entrance, but are stopped by the usher. Usher: Your ticket stubs, please. Frasier: Oh, I beg your pardon? Usher: Well, I'm sorry, we've had some people try to sneak in after intermission. Frasier: Well, you know, I think we, I left our coats in our seats and our stubs are in the coats. Usher: Oh, don't worry about it. [They turn to head in, but are stopped again.] We'll just have someone bring your coats to you. Where are your seats? Frasier: I'll...have to check the seating chart. Heading back out, they run into the Kendalls. Stephen: Aren't you going in? Frasier: Well, yes, yes, my brother just needed to have one last cigarette. Susan: Oh, you're worse than Stephen. Frasier: Yes, really, Niles, I do wish you'd quit. I'm begging you. Niles: I just wish I didn't love the damn things so much. [He lights up.] Frasier: Yes, well, if we don't see you after, have a lovely evening. Susan: Actually, we're having a small supper at Le Chanteuse afterwards for Sir Trevor. So if you're not busy, say around eleven? Niles, choking on his cigarette, desperately nods. Susan: Good, we'll see you then. Niles: [stamping out the cigarette] Frasier! Dinner with Sir Trevor, that's better than seeing the play! Frasier: Niles, are you insane? We know absolutely nothing about the damn play! How can we possibly talk with this man? For God's sake, I just wish I'd read that review in yesterday's paper. Niles: Do you still have it? Frasier: I might. Dad lets the papers pile up for days sometimes. You know what? We've got just enough time to go there and get back. Let's go! They start to walk away, but Stephen calls out. Stephen: Where are you going? Frasier: See, I told you it was the other way. They come up behind the Kendalls, then rush away as soon as their backs are turned. Frasier: [muttering] God! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Frasier and Niles are in the kitchen, rummaging through the papers. Martin comes in. Martin: What's goin' on? Frasier: Dad, we're looking for yesterday's paper. Martin: Oh, well, it should be there. Frasier: Oh Dad! That review you were reading yesterday, "Tears of the Mariner." Do you remember it? Martin: [unsure] Kinda. Frasier: Just concentrate: What was the play about? Martin: Well, let me see, uh, it started out with this old guy who was guttin' a fish. And then he gives this fish to his son, but his son rejects it. Frasier: Good! Good, then what? Martin: Uh...oh, yeah! Well, then it turns out he's got this fatal disease, and the next thing you know, he's in this big stadium. And he's telling everyone that even though he's dying, that today, he considers himself the luckiest... Frasier: Dad! That is "Pride of the Yankees"! Martin: Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that. But I'm pretty sure that fish part was right. Niles: Yes, yes! Here it is! Frasier: Let me see: "Trevor Aimsley's bravura performance in 'Tears of the Mariner' qualifies him as an..." Yes, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, continued on page A-sixteen. He flips to the back of the section and opens it up, only to find that there is a huge hole cut in the page. Niles: Where is it? Frasier: Daphne! Her picture must have been on the other side. It may still be here, she was going to mail it to her mother. [He heads to the living room.] Niles: [following] Daphne's picture was in the paper? Frasier: Yes, well someone snapped a candid photo of her in the park. If you ask me, it was not her most flattering angle, but I'm sure you would disagree. [He grabs Daphne's letter.] Niles: Well, open it. Frasier: Carefully... Oh, what the hell, I'll buy her flowers. He rips it open and starts to pull out the piece of newspaper. Daphne comes in the front door and Frasier freezes. Daphne: Hey, Dr. Crane, I thought you went... Is that my letter? Frasier: Daphne, let me explain... Daphne: [grabbing the letter] No, no, I should have known I'd never get any privacy in this house. Frasier: You don't understand. I just wanted to... Daphne: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was. A seventy-three year old woman in Manchester is about to find out that you dye the grey out of your temples. There! You happy? Frasier: No, I am not happy, I am mortified! [he pauses] How did you know that? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cufflink box. Daphne: Yeah, well... I'll let it go this time. She nervously heads for her room. Frasier: Oh, we haven't got time for this! We've to get down to that party! They head for the door. Niles: I knew you were dyeing your hair. Frasier: Shut up. Niles: "No, no, really, it's just my new conditioner." Frasier: Shut up! They exit. Fade out. Scene 3 - The Restaurant Fade in. Frasier and Niles are sitting at the bar. Frasier: Whatever you do, don't get specific about the play. That's the mistake you made last year when you lied about having seen "The Silent Echo." All that yammering on about how the play had third act problems. It fooled no one. Niles: What makes you so sure? Frasier: Well, for starters, "The Silent Echo" doesn't have a third act. Sir Trevor Aimsley enters to applause and cries of "Bravo!" He bows and heads towards the bar. Trevor: Thank you. [then] God, I need a drink. [to bartender] Double scotch, no ice. Bartender: Yes, sir. Susan walks up beside Sir Trevor. Susan: Frasier, Niles, how nice. Sir Trevor, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and his brother Dr. Niles Crane. Frasier: [shaking his hand] It's an honor. Susan: Two of our city's preeminent psychiatrists. Niles: [shaking his hand] Huge fans. Frasier: Huge, yes. Susan: They've set up a table for us in the private room, shall we? Trevor: No, I'll just finish this and be right along. Perhaps the two doctors will keep me company. I'd love to hear a psychological interpretation of the play. Susan: All right, but don't be too long. [She leaves.] Trevor: So, tell me, as students of the human psyche, did my character ring true? Frasier: Oh, oh yes. So true. Niles: I can honestly say I never saw a false moment. Trevor: Well, what about the third act? The play clearly has a third act problem. Niles: Well, at least it has a third act, unlike "The Silent Echo" which really could have used one. [Frasier gives him a dark look.] Trevor: I quite agree. I did "The Silent Echo" in London, last year. What did you think of the hat scene? [Frasier now gives Niles a cheery "What now?" look.] Niles: The hat scene? Well, you know, the most important thing about the hat scene, and I have to stress this... oh dear God, is that clock right? I have to call the sitter and tell her I'm going to be late. The children worry so. [He rushes off.] Trevor: Well, back to the play. Frasier: Right. Well, you, of course, were brilliant. Trevor: Oh, please! Dr. Crane, I just want your professional analysis of what you saw tonight. Frasier: Well, it, uh... of course I could discuss subtext, metaphor and imagery with you, but you see, I, I come to the theater to feel. To be moved, and that is exactly what happened to me tonight. Trevor: Really? When? Frasier: When? Well, let me see...uh, um, well, there was that, uh, the gutting the fish scene. You make the most heart-breaking gesture... It was, uh, you know, the one with, with your hands... [He motions vaguely.] Trevor: Oh, you mean when I offer the fish to my son and he turns his back to me and I reach out to him like this? [does so] Frasier: Yes, it's even more moving the second time. Well, who knows why a, a moment like that touches us so. You see, that is your gift, Sir Trevor. You've given us hundreds of moments. Moments so real, so compelling that we are revealed in their truth. Trevor: You don't know how refreshing this is. To meet someone who doesn't just come to the theater, but who gives himself over to it. That crowd in there, they only come because it's fashionable. They don't care about art. I can spot them at a glance: the poseur, the fraud. Oh, here comes your brother. Niles: [sitting down again] Kids are fine. Trevor: Oh. Frasier glares at his brother. Waitress: Excuse me Sir Trevor, they're waiting for you in the dining room. Trevor: Ah, very well. [stands up and takes Frasier by the shoulders] And thank you, Dr. Crane, for your integrity and your passion. You are the reason that actors act. He exits, not noticing Frasier nearly weeping as the full realization of what he passed up hits him. Niles: Well, I'm sorry I deserted you but obviously you carried the day. Bravo! Frasier: [disgusted with himself] Oh, yes, bravo for us! Catching Frasier's tone, Niles loses his cheer and sinks onto the stool next to Frasier's. Niles: [half-expecting the answer] What do you mean? Frasier: Do you realize what we missed tonight? A potentially life-changing experience in the theater. And why? Because we were too embarrassed to be seen in a cancellation line. Niles: You're right. What were we thinking? Kowtowing to a group of snobs like that. Frasier: We weren't thinking. Come on, let's get out of here. They start to exit, Susan comes in behind them. Susan: Frasier, Niles. Frasier: Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry, but we can't stay. Susan: Oh, no. Sir Trevor will be so disappointed. He was quite taken with you. Frasier: Well, send him our apologies. It really was wonderful to meet him. Susan: I know this is short notice, but if you're free this weekend, we're having one of our Sunday brunches. Senator Logan is coming and Maria DeFalco and the Whitneys... Frasier: Yes, but I'm afraid that we... Susan: Oh, please try. I'll hold it open for you. Check your books and let me know. [She goes back to the dining room.] Frasier: Well, how's that for irony? Niles: Sunday brunch at the Kendalls'. An hour ago we would have leapt at that invitation. Frasier: Not anymore. We've got a damn sight too much integrity. [They start to leave.] Although... Are we being selfish? Niles: Possibly. How? Frasier: Here's my thinking. Why do shallow people remain that way? The lack of positive influence. Niles: Perhaps our brand of integrity is just what that group needs. Frasier: Yes! We can be like those politicians who try to change the system from within. Niles: Exactly. And who knows? Maybe it'll rub off on Senator Logan, he'll bring it back with him to Washington. Frasier: Well now we HAVE to go. They head out. Niles: What are you wearing? Frasier: I'm going to wear my new Prada suit. Niles: Oh, you're a fashion plate and a patriot. [SCENE_BREAK] Niles comes into the kitchen, finds the paper with Daphne's photo cut out and checks the page number. He then pulls out another copy of the paper and checks the back page, scanning for the photo. Finding it, he is stunned. He carefully folds the paper, tucks it under his arm and, after a moment to compose himself, walks out of the kitchen.

Plan: A: Sir Trevor Aimsley; Q: Who is the actor that Frasier and Niles want to see? A: retirement; Q: What is Sir Trevor Aimsley's reason for appearing in the play? A: the door; Q: What do Frasier and Niles get turned away from? A: matinee tickets; Q: What kind of tickets did Frasier and Niles buy? A: the cancellation line; Q: What line are Frasier and Niles standing in? A: the queue; Q: What is the British term for a line? A: a couple; Q: How many people are the Kendalls? A: the Seattle elite; Q: Who do the Kendalls regularly socialize with? A: cancellations; Q: What are Frasier and Niles standing in line for? A: dinner; Q: What are Frasier and Niles invited to after the performance? A: conversation; Q: What do Frasier and Niles have to make with Sir Trevor? Summary: Frasier and Niles have tickets to a play in which the great actor Sir Trevor Aimsley will be making his final appearance before retirement, but they are turned away on the door, having bought matinee tickets by mistake. The following night, they stand in the cancellation line, and are at the front of the queue when they are greeted by the Kendalls, a couple who regularly socialize with the Seattle elite . They cannot bear to admit that they are queuing for cancellations, and miss their opportunity for tickets by leaving the line. They are invited by the Kendalls to dinner with Sir Trevor after the performance, and face the prospect of making conversation about a play which they have not seen.

(Outside the bank in Switzerland, police sirens wail as several officers approach the entrance of the bank with their guns raised. Sydney and Sloane step out. Sloane shows the officers the detonator.) VAUGHN: (V.O.) Stand down! (The officer speaks to Vaughn via transmitter. Vaughn is in the lower level of the bank with the C-4 and an explosives expert.) VAUGHN: (V.O.) Let Agent Bristow leave with the suspect! OFFICER: He's holding the detonator and we have a clear shot. VAUGHN: No! You make one move and one of his operatives will detonate the explosives. He's got the area under satellite surveillance. (Nearby, Sark listens in.) VAUGHN: That means let Sloane go and don't tail him until we get this stuff defused! (Helicopters whir in the sky as the officer speaks German to the other policemen and they all lower their guns. Sark watches. Sloane takes Sydney's arm as they start to walk down the sidewalk and she snaps it away out of his grasp. Meanwhile, in the lower level...) EXPERT: There's a current running through here. If we clip the wires, we'll break the circuit. There's a fail-safe, the only way to take this out is to disrupt the electronics. We need a water cannon. VAUGHN: The remote detonator operates on a radio frequency. Wouldn't it be faster to find out what that frequency is and just jam it? EXPERT: Yes but accessing the frequency might ignite an explosion. VAUGHN: There's got to be a way to block it. EXPERT: Not unless you have some way to encase a detonator in concrete. (Lightbulb moment. Vaughn gets on his walkie-talkie again.) VAUGHN: This is Agent Vaughn. Get me the bank manager now! (On a deserted road in Switzerland, Sydney drives her Ford Focus with Sloane sitting in the backseat. He rips off his mask.) SLOANE: I told you not to come after me, Sydney. I warned you that I will kill you if you interfere! If you knew what I have in here, if you knew what my plans are... this is bigger than SD-6, Sydney, than the CIA, than you being deceived by me, than me being betrayed by you. If things were different... (Vaughn's on the phone with Marshall who's back at the CIA.) VAUGHN: The safe -- it's a Friedlin model 42-C. (Marshall plops down a huge manual on his desk and starts flipping through the pages.) MARSHALL: Okay, Friedlin, Friedlin, Friedlin, Friedlin... number nine... Friendlin... Okay, got it! "Constructed with three inches of high-density concrete surrounded by heavy gauge steel." VAUGHN: Will it block the signal? MARSHALL: I don't know, that depends on the detonator. How big is the antenna? VAUGHN: An inch, inch and a half. MARSHALL: That means it's probably transmitting by, uh, divided by the speed of light times one-fourth... VAUGHN: Marshall! MARSHALL: Three gigahertz! Which means you should have enough shielding so the signal can't get through. VAUGHN: Should have or have? MARSHALL: Have! VAUGHN: Thank you. Tell Kendall to start tracking Sydney in five minutes. She'll be in a Ford Focus. MARSHALL: Do you know what model? VAUGHN: ZX5. MARSHALL: What color? VAUGHN: Blue. Why? MARSHALL: Uh, no, I was just curious. I was thinking about getting one myself... (Vaughn hangs up.) MARSHALL: Lower it a little, get some big tires, rims. Gold rims. Hello? (The detonator beeps. It's inside the bank's safe. They close the door.) VAUGHN: Syd! We shielded the detonator -- the bomb can't be triggered. Sloane can't know this. A team will intercept your car in five minutes. (On Sark's surveillance laptop, the detonator signal is lost. He speaks to Sloane via transmitter.) SARK: Change of plans. ETA -- five minutes. (The car drives along. Sydney looks back at Sloane in the rearview.) SYDNEY: The CIA has a hit list. Thirty-five people worldwide its agents are allowed to kill. Thirty-five out of six billion. You're one of them. Which means when I kill you, I won't even be breaking the law. (Sloane suddenly opens his back door.) SYDNEY: You jump, you die! (But he's not jumping. A van drives up with Sark in the back. They smash the back door off the Focus and Sark opens the back door of the van. The driver has a gun aimed at Sydney. Sark helps Sloane move out of the car, into the van. They look at Sydney and drive ahead. They shoot back at her, and the hood on the Focus raises up, blocking Sydney's view. The car spins out of control, stopping on the other side of the road. She bangs the steering wheel a few times.) (Briefing room with Kendall, Vaughn and Sydney.) KENDALL: Officials with Amcorp are hiding behind Swiss banking laws to avoid telling us what Sloane stole from the bank. For the moment, his trail's gone cold. SYDNEY: In other words, we don't have a plan. I mean, it's true, isn't it? We've got nothing. KENDALL: May I remind you, Miss Bristow, that Sloane was last seen in your custody? SYDNEY: I was in his custody! He was holding hostages! KENDALL: You had the option to take him out. You chose not to exercise it. SYDNEY: I chose not to incinerate three hundred innocent people. Are you telling me you think I made the wrong choice? VAUGHN: I think we should just stick to what we know. Sloane is holding Neil Caplan hostage for the purpose of building some sort of a weapon. And presumably, what he took from Amcorp is helping him do that. SYDNEY: But, see, we don't know that because we lost Sloane. And the reason we lost Sloane is because he had something we didn't -- satellite surveillance! And if we'd tasked one bird to follow him after we defused the bomb we would have him by now! KENDALL: Our satellites were tasked elsewhere at the time. SYDNEY: See, that's my point! We didn't take advantage of the situation. KENDALL: No, we prioritized! SYDNEY: What's the point of strategizing if we're not willing to do everything-- KENDALL: We're doing everything we can do! SYDNEY: No, we're not! Not even close. (In Switzerland, Sloane enters the warehouse. Sark sits at a table.) SLOANE: I need a progress report. SARK: Caplan says he is a day away. SLOANE: We took the magnetometer from Amcorp to expedite the construction of the Rambaldi device. My flight is the day after tomorrow. It needs to be completed before then. SARK: I believe Caplan to be a man of his word. SLOANE: Mr. Caplan is only assisting us because he believes we're holding his family hostage. If what he's put together is as powerful as I believe it to be, I don't want him to be anywhere near it when it's operational. SARK: I'll conduct a preliminary test myself. SLOANE: You do that... by tomorrow. (Night at Sydney's. She and Vaughn come home.) SYDNEY: I love the zamboni. VAUGHN: Zamboni's your favorite part? SYDNEY: No. Coming home with you after the game is my favorite part. (They kiss. Vaughn takes a few steps, still holding her hand, and gives her hand a kiss.) SYDNEY: Zamboni was a close second. (He laughs. His cell rings.) VAUGHN: Hello? (Weiss is at the ops center.) WEISS: Hey. Kendall has something he wants to show you. (Vaughn mouths "Weiss" to Sydney, she goes in the kitchen.) VAUGHN: Uh, can it wait? WEISS: Apparently not. He wants Sydney, too. Are you with her? VAUGHN: Uh, no, I haven't seen her. WEISS: You're in bed with her right now, aren't you? VAUGHN: I'm trying. Just find out what he wants. SYDNEY: Kendall? (Vaughn sort of rolls his eyes in confirmation. Suddenly he hears his own voice relaying back to him on his cell.) VAUGHN'S VOICE: Zamboni's your favorite part? WEISS: Could you at least try to pay attention? Vaughn, can you hear me? (Vaughn moves down the hall a bit as feedback and his conversation with Sydney is over the line.) SYDNEY'S VOICE: No. Coming home with you after the game is my favorite part. (The sound of them kissing.) WEISS: Vaughn? SYDNEY'S VOICE: Zamboni was a close second. (He leans into the lightswitch which gives off more feedback. Sydney looks at him. Vaughn motions for her.) VAUGHN: We'll be there soon. (He hangs up. Later, Sydney takes off the lightswitch and behind the wires is a bug.) (Ops center. Jack, Vaughn and Sydney walk down the hall together.) JACK: A cleaning crew is on notice to sweep the apartment, ASAP. SYDNEY: I don't understand. How can the apartment be bugged? I have countermeasures. Will and I talk there sometimes about work -- he needs to be told. JACK: Already being handled. We need to know who you've spoken with, what was said, and what intelligence might have been compromised. Plus, you need to compile a list of every person, friend, serviceman, delivery guy, mailman who has been in or out of the apartment. Kendall's waiting for you, I'll take this to analysis. (Jack speaks to Marshall about the bug.) JACK: What do you mean, you bugged the apartment? MARSHALL: It's not like I broke in and planted it myself. I made it. (He takes a magnifier to the bug.) MARSHALL: Here. If you take a look right there, I soldered in the circuit board. Can you see that? JACK: What is that? MARSHALL: It's a Superman logo. Except this one's got a "M" on it, it's kind of my signature. Um, when I used to work at SD-6, I made it special for Sloane. It operates using an MD-14 data adapter, which cloaks the signal, making it undetectable by bug killers. I know, I know, I'm that good. Uh, which is bad. JACK: Vaughn said he heard it repeat his conversation through his cell phone. MARSHALL: Right, well, this is a burst transmitter. It periodically transmits what it's recorded to a receiver. JACK: Can you reverse engineer the signal, find out where the conversations were being transmitted to? MARSHALL: Uh, well, if the transmitter recorded the phone number that it sends the conversation to, yeah, I guess that it's possible. JACK: Then do it. MARSHALL: "Please" would be nice. (Jack just walks away.) MARSHALL: That's all right. Never mind. (Sloane looks at the Rambaldi manuscript with a cut out in it, a piece missing. Sark enters.) SARK: Caplan finished earlier this morning. The Rambaldi device is complete. I ran the test. I think you'll be pleased with the results. (Sloane looks at some photos.) SARK: When we agreed to combine our resources, sir, you promised you'd show me incredible things. But a suitcase neutron bomb designed in the sixteenth century -- is that even a theoretical possibility? (In Kandahar, a van comes to a stop. Two men get Sloane out of the back of the van, his head covered with a cloth, and they lead him inside. Inside, he meets with Ahmad Kabir.) KABIR: Forgive the mode of transportation, but a person in my position cannot be too cautious. SLOANE: I understand. Our mutual friend, Mr. Dreyfus, he sends his respects. KABIR: Let me pay you the courtesy of being blunt. I don't do business with Americans. SLOANE: (nods) I'm a man with no country and few alliances. All I have is a vision of an enterprise that will influence an existing world order that I believe to be corrupt. I'm looking for partners who shares that view. KABIR: I am but a humble shepherd. SLOANE: Whose control of the opium trade along the silk road is worth hundreds of millions of dollars. KABIR: In this part of the world, it's better to be practical than visonary. Why should I invest in your enterprise? SLOANE: Ah, that, my friend, is a long discussion. First, a gift. (He opens a small case.) SLOANE: It once belonged to Khushal Khan Khattak, the great seventeenth century warrior-poet. KABIR: He united our lands and is a hero to my people. This is a treasure. Tell me more about what you have planned. (Sydney's bedroom. She does some exercises by her bed. Francie stands at the doorway.) SYDNEY: Hey. So, how's it going? FRANCIE: I'm good. SYDNEY: No, I mean about Will. Is this gonna turn into a thing? What's going on? Have you slept with him? FRANCIE: No, not yet. SYDNEY: Will hasn't said a thing. He can't even look at me anymore, he's so freaked out. (Sydney strips off her shorts and puts some pants on.) FRANCIE: You know, Sydney, you've been acting sort of weird lately. SYDNEY: Really? I thought you'd been acting weird. I thought maybe it was because of Will. (She sits down beside her.) FRANCIE: You don't talk to me anymore. SYDNEY: I'm sorry, Francie. I just get so caught up in work. FRANCIE: Don't forget -- we used to be really good friends. You can talk to me. (The phone rings. Sydney picks up.) SYDNEY: Hello? VAUGHN: Get in here now. SYDNEY: Okay. (She hangs up.) FRANCIE: Who was that? SYDNEY: Someone from the bank. There's a problem with a client in Tokyo, I have to go in. FRANCIE: See you. (Minutes later, the shower runs. Francie sneaks down the hall and uses her cell to call Sark.) SARK: Hello? FRANCIE: They found the bugs. How should I proceed? SARK: They'll be looking for our LA asset. Give them someone. FRANCIE: I'll take care of it. (Ops center. Sydney walks in.) VAUGHN: Send a copy of that to Kendall. SYDNEY: Vaughn, is it Sloane? Did Marshall get a location by reverse engineering the bug? VAUGHN: It works on an encrypted feed. It was untraceable. But we got a lead on Sloane another way. (Briefing room.) KENDALL: An asset outside Kandahar reported seeing someone matching Sloane's description in the company of men loyal to Ahmad Kabir, the Pashtun warlord who played footsie with the Taliban. When they ran, so did he, except we don't know exactly where. JACK: We believe Kabir's men took Sloane somewhere in the Helmand Valley. Last year Sloane assigned an SD-6 agent to infiltrate Kabir's Helmand operation and intercept routing information regarding a shipment of Soviet surface-to-air missiles. VAUGHN: Sloane stole a shipment of missiles from Kabir but now they're meeting? What am I missing? SYDNEY: Kabir has no idea who Sloane is. The agent he assigned got in and out undetected. VAUGHN: Who was the agent? SYDNEY: Marcus Dixon. KENDALL: None of the records we acquired from SD-6 details that mission and everything that Jack knows, now you know. The only person who can help us is Dixon. SYDNEY: Who has made it clear that he has no intention of cooperating with us. KENDALL: Well, you're just going to have to change his mind. I want a full briefing on Kabir by our analysts. SYDNEY: I don't think you appreciate Dixon's sense of betrayal. KENDALL: Correct me if I'm wrong, Agent Bristow, but only yesterday you were standing here complaining that we're not doing enough to find Sloane. If you do nothing and we lose him this time, you'll have only yourself to blame. (Dixon's house. Mrs. Dixon is at the door.) MRS. DIXON: Marcus doesn't want to see you. And for what it's worth, neither do I. SYDNEY: I know, Diane, I do. I promise you I wouldn't be her eif it wasn't important. MRS. DIXON: What good are your promises? SYDNEY: Right. (Dixon comes out, stands beside his wife.) DIXON: Hello, Sydney. SYDNEY: Hi. I need some information. DIXON: I can't help you. (Mrs. Dixon starts to close the door but Sydney stops her.) SYDNEY: Look, five minutes, all I need is a location! MRS. DIXON: He said no. SYDNEY: Look, it can mean the end of Sloane! (Dixon's suddenly interested.) SYDNEY: Sloane's with Ahmad Kabir. All I need to know is where Kabir operates from. These are bad people, they need to be stopped. MRS. DIXON: Not by my husband, they don't. SYDNEY: The agency might try to compel you to tell them what you know. DIXON: If they do, I'll tell them what I'm telling you. We've made a decision as a family to move on. (Diane closes the door in Sydney's face.) (Self-storage building. This time, Vaughn is meeting with Will.) VAUGHN: Do you own a suit? WILL: A suit? Yeah, uh, one. VAUGHN: Put it on. WILL: Why? Why? What's going on? VAUGHN: You've only bee doing analysis for a short time but your written briefs are good. One of them on Ahmad Kabir. The director wants an oral presentation. WILL: Wait, wait, wait. An oral -- like in person? VAUGHN: Yeah. Just give him talking points. WILL: I'm a writer. VAUGHN: It's not really a request... WILL: I don't talk. I write. VAUGHN: It's part of your job. Do you know Sammy's Red Hots? WILL: Sure, Santa Monica and 17th. VAUGHN: Yeah. Be there in one hour. Order the special, no pickles. WILL: I like pickles... VAUGHN: You'll be led out back where a windowless van will be waiting to take you to operations. WILL: I'm going to be talking to the director? Is that a big deal? VAUGHN: Yeah. WILL: Oh, God. (In Kandahar at their meeting, Sloane holds a carved statue.) KABIR: It's from the sixteenth century. SLOANE: Mmm. It is a carving of an arhat, a worthy one. In Buddhist tradition, an arhat is the destroyer of the enemy. KABIR: How is it you know so much? SLOANE: I'm a collector. This piece is very special. KABIR: You want a partner, someone to invest in an incredibly ambitious global enterprise which is at best a risky proposition. What you offer in exchange, to be my... to be my arhat, I need some assurance that you can deliver on that promise. SLOANE: Oh, naturally. And that's why I'm fully prepared to give you a demonstration. I leave it to you to choose the target. (Vaughn leads Will to the briefing room.) VAUGHN: No suit, huh? WILL: Well, it's been a while since I tried it on. Or worked out, apparently. Which makes me overwhelmed and fat. VAUGHN: Will Tippin, meet Professor Joyce and Fleming. They flew in last night from the Kennedy School. I'll go tell the others we're ready. WILL: The Kennedy School. Where is that? FLEMING: Harvard. WILL: That's right. (Later, meeting in progress. Jack and Vaughn and Sydney, who sits beside Will, are there.) KENDALL: Our objective today is simple: to identify a person or persons who can give us the exact location of Ahmad Kabir's Helmand Valley operations. (Will fidgets with a pencil. Sydney puts her hand over his, steadying him.) FLEMING: Despite the American-backed government, the geopolitical reality of Afghanistan is that it's still defined by ethnic rivalries. The simplest way to find a Pashtun like Kabir is to first find an enemy willing to sell him out. JOYCE: Sharif Rabani is on record as accusing Kabir's Pashtun supporters of engaging in ethnic cleansing. I'm sure we'll have no problem getting him to lead us to him. WILL: Then why hasn't he? Well, the point is, yeah, they hate each other, but they probably hate us more. I mean, since 9/11 haven't we paid guys like this millions of dollars for information and gotten almost nothing in return? JACK: Are you prepared to make an alternate recommendation? WILL: Yes, actually, I am. All I have here are these photographs... Sydney? (He puts on his glasses, stands up, and gestures for Sydney to put the photo on the screen.) WILL: This woman's name is Alia Gizabi. She's married to an administrator with the Vatican embassy in Mexico City. Alia Gizabi used to be Alia Kabir. She's Kabir's ex-wife. Since the Taliban got booted, a woman can have a marriage annulled if it's determined that she was forced or sold into that marriage against her will. According to court records. VAUGHN: You found court records? WILL: Yeah, yeah, they're published on the net. I realize that there's nothing geopolitcally correct about my analysis, but in the "hell hath no fury" department, I figure this woman would pay us to mess with her ex. I mean, she hates him so much she sent their son into hiding with her relatives. (He sits down and looks over at the Harvard professors.) WILL: I'll get you that web address. You should check it out. (Sydney smiles.) KENDALL: Okay. I'll alert our station chief in Mexico City. Vaughn and Bristow, you leave in an hour. We need to protect this woman, no one can know the CIA's contacted her. You're going in under an alias. [SCENE_BREAK] (Sloane, in Kandahar, speaks to Sark over cell phone.) SLOANE: Kabir's chosen his target. His ex-wife. SARK: We're using the device on Alia Gizabi? SLOANE: You'll be briefed en route to Mexico City. You leave at once. (Mexico City. At the Vatican embassy, people enter the church. Bells chime. A van is parked right by the steps and inside is Sark. The suitcase bomb beeps in the back, glowing red. He's on the phone and moves back, sitting next to it.) SARK: Surveillance confirms Gizabi in the adminstrative wing, adjacent to the church. Now, according to Caplan's calculations of the running requirements we'll need twenty million watts to reach that section of the building. SLOANE: Twenty per cent of its capacity. SARK: Yes. That should give us coverage of the entire embassy. But, sir, if Caplan's off by even a microtesla, this could go very wrong. SLOANE: Do it. SARK: That's easy for you to say, sir, you're eight thousand miles away. SLOANE: I'll wait to hear from you. (They hang up. Sark starts the timer: three minutes to go. Sark climbs out of the van, just missing Sydney -- dressed up as a senior citizen. He walks away.) SYDNEY: I'm approaching the steps. MAN: Senora. (He helps her up the steps. Inside, she enters, looking around at the people who take their seats.) SYDNEY: I'm in. (Vaughn talks to Sydney from his SUV parked outside.) VAUGHN: All right, Gizabi works on the first floor. (Sydney turns a corner, enters an office, looking for the right one. The bomb in the van reads 2:20 left. She enters the correct office.) GIZABI: Can I help you? SYDNEY: I'm not here to hurt you. I work for American intelligence. I need some information about your ex-husband. (She reaches for the phone but Sydney stops her.) SYDNEY: I know you're worried about retribution for leaving him and taking your son, that's why I've come in secret. No one knows I'm here, no one will ever know that you've talked with me. I'm searching for a man, a horrible, dangerous man. He is with your ex-husband at his residence in the Helmand Valley. I need to know exactly where that is. (Weiss is in the ops center.) WEISS: Vaughn? Can you hear me, Vaughn? VAUGHN: Yeah, what is it? What's wrong? WEISS: We just had an Echelon intercept. Key words were picked up -- "terrorist," "weapons of mass destruction." But you ready for this? "Rambaldi." VAUGHN: Did you get coordinates? WEISS: Yeah. Yours. We don't know what's happening but you're not waiting for us to find out. Get out now! (One minute left on the timer.) (In the office.) GIZABI: I cannot help you. VAUGHN: Sydney, we hve to get out of here now. There's going to be some sort of attack -- car bomb, suicide bomb, I don't know, but I'm alerting the embassy, they're going to start an evacuation. There's a door at the end of the adminstrative corridor, meet me there. SYDNEY: You have to come with me, it's for your own safety. GIZABI: I told you. I won't help. (Sydney hits her on the back of the head, temporarily knocking her out.) (In the church, the priest address the crowd.) PRIEST: (in Spanish) We must leave this church immediately. It's very important that we leave now. Por favor. (People start leaving. Outside, Vaughn puts Gizabi in the backseat of the SUV. Sydney gets in and they drive away. In Sark's van, the bomb whirs and lights illuminate the inside of the van. People run out of the church. Inside, a woman gets up to leave and suddenly bursts into flame. The priest is on fire. People start running for the exit, on fire, but fall to the ground, burning alive. Vaughn and Sydney are driving away with Weiss talking to Vaughn, looking at his monitor.) WEISS: Are you seeing this? We picked up a hot spot. VAUGHN: Where? WEISS: It's directly behind you! It's huge. (Vaughn looks in his rearview. Sydney peels off her mask.) SYDNEY: What was it? VAUGHN: Some kind of a fire. Something burning. WEISS: No, listen to me, listen to me, it's this inferno! It's right behind you! You don't see it? VAUGHN: There's nothing. SYDNEY: Is he seeing people, buildings, what? WEISS: Wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa. It disappeared, it's gone! VAUGHN: Gone? What do you mean, gone? WEISS: I don't know, it just--it disappeared. SYDNEY: Let's go back. (They enter the church and see ashes. Burnt bones in the aisle of the church, of people trying to escape. They look at it all in horror. Gizabi enters behind them. She sees.) GIZABI: I'll tell you where to find my husband. (In Afghanistan, Sark, Sloane and Kubir watch the news footage on TV.) TV ANNOUNCER: Sixty-two people are confirmed dead in what government officials are calling the worst act of terrorism in Mexico City in a decade. Some people describe it as an act of God, though local officials are still investigating the matter. No confirmation-- (They shut the TV off.) SARK: All of the victims were incinerated beyond recognition. Absent positive identification, a list of presumed dead was published. Your ex is on the list. (Kabir raises his hand. A follower brings Sloane a wrapped gift.) SLOANE: What is this? KABIR: A small token of appreciation. (He opens the cloth. It's the arhat.) SLOANE: No. No, this is too much. I cannot accept this. KABIR: I saw you admire it and deservedly so. You have destroyed my enemy. You are in every way my arhat. I will have forty million wired tomorrow to the account of your choosing. (Briefing room.) KENDALL: Video surveillance places Sark at the scene of the attack in Mexico City. Subsequent to the attack, intel tracked him as far as Kabul. Here's what we can assume. Sloane dispatched Sark to carry out his mission, now that it's complete, Sark has returned to his master and thanks to Ms. Gizabi, we now know where that is. JACK: The plan is for you to lead a tactical unit into the Helmand. You'll parachute into the compound, affect a roof access, steal the weapon, and signal for backup. SYDNEY: You know how people are describing it, don't you? They're calling it a doomsday device, saying it's the first sign of the armageddon, like the devil himself rose up to attack that church. MARSHALL: Um, excuse me, if I may offer a scientific explanation, I think it might, uh, help the, um... Hi, everybody, it's good to, uh... (to Kendall) That's a really nice-- KENDALL: Okay, come on. MARSHALL: Right. What we're dealing with is a high-energy pulse weapon. Now thanks to an Echelon intercept we are able to retask a KH-12 satellite over the area and this is what we found. (He puts surveillance photos up on their screens.) MARSHALL: Okay, the blue dots -- those are the people in the church before. Now that is what the infrared picked up after. The body temperature of everyone in the affected area increased by over two thousand degrees. They literally melted from the inside out. SYDNEY: Nothing else in the church was affected. MARSHALL: Well, that's because it works like a microwave. It excites water and fat molecules which don't exist in inorganic materials and then it converts them into atomic motion or heat. VAUGHN: You said everyone in the radius was affected, even people who were taking cover? MARSHALL: Yeah. Well, there's no defense against this kind of energy. It goes through walls, concrete, steel, everything. KENDALL: There's no shield. MARSHALL: No. Sorry. Oh, um, I should probably also tell you that, um, this kind of energy knocks out computer circuitry. Which means if it's pointed at the sky, it could take down planes. (Jack and Sydney in the ops main room.) JACK: What concerns me is that Sloane knows this kind of use of force is a deliberate provocation that demands a swift response and yet he exercised it on the ex-wife of a petty warlord. Why? (Weiss interrupts them.) WEISS: I got the inventory back from the cleaners. They found audio and video transmitters, all next gen stuff. SYDNEY: Video? WEISS: Yeah. In the TV in your bedroom. (Sydney looks horribly uncomfortable.) JACK: We're investigating everyone you listed who's been in your apartment. So far, they're all clean. (Sydney, still at the CIA, phones Francie.) FRANCIE: Hello? SYDNEY: Hey, it's me. FRANCIE: Hi. SYDNEY: I know we had plans for tonight, but I have to work. FRANCIE: What you have to do is quit that job of yours. SYDNEY: Fran, I'm sorry. FRANCIE: It's okay. The truth is, I probably wasn't going to be able to make it anyway. SYDNEY: So you don't want to kill me? FRANCIE: No, of course not. Hey, you know, can we talk about this later? I'm kind of in the middle of something. (We pan over to a plumber who has a gag in his mouth, tied to his chair in his workplace.) SYDNEY: Yeah, yeah, I'll call you later. Bye. (They hang up. Francie raises a gun and shoots the plumber. Afterwards she opens the plumber's locker and puts some bugs and electronic equipment inside, then closes it up.) (Sydney meets with Marshall in front of some video equipment.) MARSHALL: Okay, um, you remember that movie "Predator" when Schwarzenegger was chased by that crab who could only see in thermal? (He makes some crab motions with his hands, complete with noises.) SYDNEY: No. MARSHALL: No? You never saw that? It was a great movie! Schwarzenegger, it was one of his better movies. Because "Twins"... Um, listen, anyway, Kabir's security cameras, they work the same way. They read heat signatures, which is kind of a problem because, well, you're incredibly hot. (Sydney just stares at him. He puts a camera up in front of her and on the monitor beside them, Sydney is shown in body temperature, her face and skin glowing red.) MARSHALL: See? Huh? Now, the solution I hae devised is you parachute onto the roof, you rip off your tactical gear and then you slip on this baby. (He puts on a black skin-tight mask that covers his neck and head, only his eyes peeking out.) MARSHALL: Now it's part of a cold suit. It's all black, it's form fitting, and it will bring your body back to room temperature. Put these babies on... (He puts on goggles to complete the outfit. Sydney holds the same camera he had in front of her and puts it in front of Marshall. On the monitor beside them, Marshall's head is completely invisible on screen.) SYDNEY: So as long as I'm covered the security camera can't see me. MARSHALL: Yeah. You'll be the invisible woman. See? (In Kandahar, on the roof, Sydney looks down at the men on the ground. She's wearing the black outfit. Inside, she runs by a few guards and starts descending a flight of stairs. She talks to Vaughn, who's back in LA in the ops center, via transmitter.) SYDNEY: I'm in the eastern stairs. VAUGHN: All right. Go right at the bottom. According to his ex, Kabir keeps weapons and ammunitions in a storage room at the end of the hall. (Sydney comes to it but there's a brick wall there instead.) SYDNEY: There's no door. VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: Work's been done. Maybe this place was bombed in the war, and had to be reconfigured. VAUGHN: Meaning our intel is worthless. SYDNEY: There has to be another way in. (She turns to go back up the stairs but a man is there. They exchange punches and he grabs her head, ripping off her ski mask. Her head is completely exposed. She throws the guy down, kicking him and turns to see the security camera right in her face.) SYDNEY: I've been made! (She runs but meets three men with guns. They gesture to her to surrender.) (In the ops center, Vaughn and Kendall.) VAUGHN: Sydney's been compromised. You have to order the tac unit in after her. KENDALL: Did she defuse the weapon? VAUGHN: What difference does that make? KENDALL: Kabir's been alerted. If he's got the weapon, he'll use it. VAUGHN: Issue the order! KENDALL: You heard Marshall, there's no defense against it! VAUGHN: If you don't issue it, I will. KENDALL: The tac unit wouldn't stand a chance. VAUGHN: We can't just leave her there! KENDALL: Unless we find another way in, I'm afraid that's all we can do. (Vaughn is at Dixon's house, standing on the porch.) VAUGHN: I don't think we've been formally introduced. My name's Michael Vaughn, I work with Sydney. DIXON: I'm out. VAUGHN: Sydney's in trouble. DIXON: Respect my decision. VAUGHN: I can't do that. Not when your decision may cost Sydney her life. You wouldn't tell Sydney how you infiltrated Kabir's so she found an alternate way in using what turned out to be faulty intel. She was captured and unless we find another confirmed access point, no one will be sent in to get her out. DIXON: It's not that simple. VAUGHN: Yes, it is! You will either help save Sydney's life or you won't. (Mrs. Dixon comes out, stands next to her husband.) MRS. DIXON: Please leave. VAUGHN: I can't do that -- not until I get your answer. (Interrogation room in Kabir's compound. Sydney is tied to a chair. A bright white lamp is turned on in her face. She squints.) KABIR: Admit you are CIA, submitting to a video acknowledging you are here in violateion of international law. Condemn the great Satan and maybe I will spare your life. (She says nothing. He leaves. Black. Time lapse. The light comes back on.) SLOANE: Sydney, tell him what he wants to hear... or this will not end well. (He crouches down beside her. She stares straight ahead.) SLOANE: You know, in many ways, I will always consider you my proudest achievement. Sydney, unfortunately, I can't do anything about this. (He kisses her head lovingly. Sydney closes her eyes in disgust.) SLOANE: (whispers) Bye, Sydney... (Black. Time lapse. The light comes back on, she comes to.) KABIR: Have you reconsidered? Hmm? Admitting you are CIA? Perhaps you need a little incentive. (He gestures to a man who comes forward and puts a platter down with a large nail and pick. Black. Time lapse. Light comes back on.) KABIR: Enough. My houseguests have left, it would seem there is nothing more for us to discuss. (He bends down and raises her pant leg. He feels her kneecap.) KABIR: The cartilage that lets the kneecap slide around does not regenerate. Which you should know in advance of this. (He gets the nail ready. He goes to swing to take off her kneecap. Sydney winces, anticipating it. Kabir is suddenly shot inthe chest. She opens her eyes and Vaughn runs in.) VAUGHN: You okay? SYDNEY: I don't understand... how... how did you find a way in? (The lights in the room come on. Dixon is at the doorway. Sydney covers her face with her hand.) DIXON: Let's go. Let's go, we got the device. (On their way out, she can't help but ask Vaughn.) SYDNEY: Sloane? VAUGHN: No. DIXON: This way! (Down a hall, Dixon runs into one of Kabir's men. He throws a box at the man, jumps out of the way. He punches him. This time, the guy punches Dixon a few times, throwing him near the wall. Dixon fires back with a kick to the stomach which sends the guy over the railing to the floor below. They run out. Outside the compound, men sit around a fire, blocking the way to their awaiting truck. Dixon sneaks a peek and then tosses a small can which explodes, stunning the men. Dixon, Sydney and Vaughn run out. A man from a window above them shoots at them. Sydney does a roll and sits up, firing back. They jump in the truck. Sydney ducks as Dixon shoots at more men who come out with their guns.) (In the ops center, Sydney types at a computer. Jack comes up to her.) JACK: Good work. SYDNEY: I was lucky. JACK: You got the weapon. We've saved countless lives. SYDNEY: Yeah, I didn't get Sloane. Or find out what the hell he was doing with Kabir. (Jack shows her a bag of the bugs and electronics that Francie dumped in the plumber's locker.) JACK: We found these on a plumber whose name you gave us. He was murdered. He's either repsonsible for the bugs in your apartment or he was set up. For the moment, it's a dead end. (He puts his hand on her shoulder.) JACK: I'm glad you're home. (He leaves. Sydney looks across the room where Dixon is seated in front of his own computer, doing some work. She goes over to him.) DIXON: Hi. SYDNEY: Hi. I know I say this to you a lot. Thank you. DIXON: (nods) I can't judge you for not telling me about SD-6. If I had been in your position, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. SYDNEY: What's going on with Diane? DIXON: I don't know. (At Sydney's, in the bathroom, she's in the tub having a bath with candles all around. Vaughn walks in with a glass of red wine. She smiles and takes a drink. She passes it back to him.) VAUGHN: The Kings are in town on Friday night. You could watch the zamboni. (He takes a drink.) SYDNEY: What we saw... at the church... every time we think we've seen the worst... (She sinks down further into the water. He puts his hand to her cheek.) (Sark and Sloane.) SARK: You talk of power and control but when we create an incredibly powerful weapon you leave it in the hands of a complete stranger. Tell me, how was what happened good for us? (Sloane looks at the arhat in his hands. He smashes it against the table. Sark watches, shocked. Sloane sifts through the broken pieces of the figurine and finds a piece of paper inside.) SLOANE: Hand me the top page of the manuscript. (The manuscript with the hole cut out in it. Sark hands it over. The piece found inside the arhat fits the manuscript page perfectly.)

Plan: A: the episode; Q: What is this? A: a reusable neutron bomb; Q: What is the artifact that Rambaldi built? A: the 15th century; Q: In what century were the pieces to build a reusable neutron bomb made? A: Sloane; Q: Who controls the neutron bomb? A: Vaughn; Q: Who begs Dixon to aid the CIA in rescuing Sydney? A: a crucial CIA briefing session; Q: What is Will called upon to participate in? A: Francie; Q: Who does Sydney notice something is not quite right with? Summary: This is the episode in which it is revealed what some of Rambaldi's mysterious artifacts really are: the pieces to build a reusable neutron bomb in the 15th century. Sloane is the one who controls it. Meanwhile, Vaughn begs Dixon to aid the CIA in rescuing Sydney, Will is called upon to participate in a crucial CIA briefing session, and Sydney notices that something with Francie is not quite right.

Opening scene - Cohen kitchen in the morning - Kirsten is in there by herself. she has a glass sitting on the counter with a little bit of tomato juice in it, she tops it up with vodka so that glass is roughly 1/4 full. she takes a drink and puts the glass down just as Sandy calls out to her Sandy: (calls off screen) Kirsten did the paper come today I can't find it Kirsten: (panics, calls out) uh yeah I put it on the couch in the living room (puts the vodka back in the fridge) Sandy: ah (picks up the paper) hey d'you think I look at all like Tony Blair Kirsten: uh, you have nicer hair Sandy: thankyou, good hair Kirsten: mm-hmm (drinks vodka/tomato juice) Sandy: leader of Great Britain, I would call that a wash Kirsten: (nods) mm-hmm Sandy: what you drinkin Kirsten: (puts the glass down) oh tomato juice, lots of antioxidants (puts the lid on the juice) Sandy: so what d'you think of this...Palm Springs Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) Palm Springs Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) this weekend, you (points) me...an the desert (raises eyebrows) Kirsten: (reluctant) uh Sandy, I-I know we talked about a weekend but right now- (Ryan and Seth come in) Ryan: (to Seth) hey ya asked for my opinion, remember (to Sandy and Kirsten) morning Seth: yeah but (puts his arms out) I jus really wanted you to agree with me man, morning Sandy: morning (looks at Seth) what's up Seth: (frowns) well, today's the first day back from spring break and I was planning on telling Summer, about that little...misunderstanding in Miami (raises eyebrows) Sandy: (while reading the paper) where you licked the whipped cream off the girls naked stomach (looks at Seth) an ate the cheery out of her mouth Kirsten: an why are you gonna tell her again Seth: (screws up his face) because I have a conscience Ryan: and it'll be on national television so she'll find out sooner or later (Seth points at him as if to say 'see') Sandy: look I know the idea of telling her is scary but th- believe me when you start hiding things (Kirsten looks as though she feels guilty, holding her 'vodka/tomato juice) that's when the trouble starts Ryan: alright let's go, we're late (pushes Seth's shoulder) come on (Ryan and Seth leave the kitchen) Sandy: well, there goes the weekend Kirsten: ...unless we drive up Sunday morning an I take Monday off (Sandy looks at her, happy at the suggestion) your right, we need this (puts her vodka/tomato juice in the sink) Sandy: wow, ill make the plans (Kirsten smiles and touches Sandy's arm, then leaves the kitchen. Sandy looks as though he's thinking for a second, then he turns around and reluctantly picks up Kirsten's glass. he looks at it, and then sniffs it. you can see in his face that he can smell the vodka. he looks in the direction of where Kirsten just was and frowns, worried) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Caleb's mansion - we see an external shot of the house, and Marissa's car. then we are in Marissa's bedroom. she comes out of her bathroom, putting lip-gloss on. she puts the lid on and then walks over to her dressing table and sits in front of the mirror. in the reflection we can see a slight redness near her collar bone, on the right side. she sighs and moves her jacket aside to reveal an awful looking bruise/mark which sits just above her singlet line. she uses one hand to hold the jacket away and the other to touch the bruise, she touches it and looks at it in the mirror and the phone rings. she looks at the phone and then fixes her jacket back up before answering Marissa: hello (we now see Trey in a side on view, he has a phone to his ear and he's creepily lit, it's almost like a silhouette) Trey: Marissa, don't hang up ok Marissa: (agitated) look I told you to stop calling me (quickly hangs up) Trey: let me expl- (Trey hears the beeps that signify Marissa has hung up on him. he takes the phone away from his ear and we see Jess come into the shot, in the background and out of focus. she's in a black bra and jeans that aren't done up) Jess: I guess she didn't wanna chat (walks over to Trey) what happen, stable boy get fresh (sits next to Trey) with the princess Trey: (lights a smoke) don't you have school Jess: (smiles) I was hoping, we could (moves her hand down near Treys lower body) Trey: (looks at Jess) ill pass Jess: (stands) you know, its not many girls, that would spend the night with a guy an not only not mind him calling another girl the next morning (puts on her top) but still be up for round two, you sure your not taking me for granted (does up her jeans) (Trey looks at Jess and then gets up and opens the door) Trey: look we both know what this is Jess: (looks at Trey then picks up her bag) well, we know I'm not Marissa (touches Treys cut) I leave my marks on your back (Jess kisses Trey, he looks up, not into it. he motions for her to go and she leaves. he slams the door behind her without turning around) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is in the student lounge, sitting on the couch reading. Seth walks over. he lingers around the back of the couch for a few seconds before sitting next to her Seth: hey Summer (sits) Summer: hey Cohen Seth: (small wave) ok uh, the easiest way for me to do this is jus gonna be to say it (looks at Summer) but before I do...I want you to know how totally you know awful- Summer: I know Seth: (looks at Summer) what Summer: Miami, whipped cream girl, we do have cable (goes back to reading) Seth: so you...saw me Summer: (nods) I saw you Seth: ...ok so look I know you're angry an that's...perfectly- Summer: not really (shuts the book and puts it on the table then walks over to the coffee) Seth: (follows) your not Summer: mm-mm (pours coffee) (Seth looks at her) you know, I really thought things were gonna be different this time but you haven't changed at all, you've found new an even more public ways of disappointing me (walks away, Seth shakes his head) (stops and turns around) Zach an I kissed Seth: (looks at Summer) what Summer: yeah, we were having dinner an (frowns) you came on TV in that stupid- Seth: ok you know what fine, that's ok, you you know you seen me an ya kissed, sorta quick cousinly, what else happened Summer: (shakes her head) nothing...much (raises her eyebrows then walks away) Seth: so what'does this mean Summer: I don't know...(sadly) but it shouldn't be this hard (Summer leaves and Seth watches her) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - Julie is in the kitchen cooking breakfast, Caleb comes in. there is food absolutely everywhere and Julie is just putting the finishing touches on Caleb's breakfast, she is also wearing an apron! Julie: ah, there you are just in time for your suprise Caleb: I'm late for work Julie: you'll wanna make time for this (smiles) bonappetite (holds up a plate full of food) Caleb: (looks at Julie) an what is that Julie: eggs benedict, my specialty, well...my new specialty uh (smiles proudly) it's my first time Caleb: I already ate breakfast Julie: well consider this a mid morning snack...I was going to give it to you at seven but...it took a little longer then I expected Caleb: you spent two hours making eggs benedict for a man with a heart condition (Julie looks at him) doesn't that seem a little insane to you (walks to the sink) Julie: (hurt) ...I'm tryin'a make an effort here Cal...if nothing else, I expect you to acknowledge that Caleb: I do...a wasted effort (Julie looks shocked) I have to go Julie: (fed up) why do I even try Caleb: (leaving) I ask myself the same question (Julie dumps the plate of food into the bin, angry) CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa is at her locker by herself getting some books. Ryan sneaks up to try and get a kiss, which startles her Ryan: (touches Marissa shoulder) hey (goes to kiss her) Marissa: (turns around, suprised) oh (closes her eyes, relieved) Ryan: ohp, sorry (laughs) you ok Marissa: (holds her jacket where the bruise is) uh, yeah no I guess I'm just not...use to the hall way kiss yet (raises her eyebrows and then shuts her locker and walks away, making sure to keep her hand on her jacket) Ryan: no sure of course Marissa: um uh-hm (looks at Ryan) so tell me how was Miami Ryan: uh, it was alot like Orange County, how bout you Marissa: uh Ryan: anything crazy happen while I was gone Marissa: no, no (pulls her jacket across) It was pretty much jus (puts her hand on her neck) business as usual Ryan: (looks at Marissa) so we still have a date, how's your weekend (touches Marissa's back) Marissa: (reluctant) oh...um Ryan: what you-you forget something Marissa: no no its jus my mom wanted ta go shopping but (smiles) this weekends great Ryan: ok great so um...well let's do something special, something you wanted to do Marissa: um, no nothing special (shrugs) (Ryan looks at her) I mean nothing in particular, it'll be special (raises eyebrows) so uh (frowns) lets jus talk about it later (shrugs) ok Ryan: (confused) ok (Marissa touches Ryan's shirt collar then gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and walks away. Ryan smiles, confused) CUT TO: The Newport Group office - Kirsten is sitting at her desk using the computer, and we hear a knock at the door Kirsten: (calls) come in (Claire walks in) Kirsten: oh hey Claire what is it Claire: the men were cleaning out Carters office an they found this with a note saying it should be given to you (Clair is holding a gold gift box with a red bow on it) Kirsten: oh, thankyou (smiles) you can put it there (Claire puts the box on Kirsten's desk then leaves the room. Kirsten stares at the box for a second before slowly reaching over to pick it up. the next thing we see is Kirsten untying the red bow. underneath the bow on the gold box in fancy red writing is "featherbrook" underneath that in black letters is GIFT SHOP. Kirsten takes the lid off of the box, and inside is gold pendant sitting on a gold chain amongst a soft white fluffy padding. Kirsten looks down at the pendant then looks up) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is walking the halls by herself and Zach catches up to her Zach: hey, Summer, wait Summer: (looks) hey, Zach Zach: um, I need to uh (points to the double doors) here (Summer and Zach walk through the doors where it's a little more private) Zach: did you talk to Seth Summer: yeah, I told him everything Zach: ok so (frowns) w-what'does that mean about us Summer: (tired) look Zach I cant do this right now Zach: I need to know if what happened the other night (raises eyebrows) was jus like a revenge thing, or if it was something more (Seth walks by the double doors and sees Summer and Zach talking together) Summer: honestly, in the moment, mostly revenge...but also I guess, something more (nods) (Seth opens the door) Seth: well, well, well, if it isn't my old friend (points) the big fat traitor Zach: (pointed) hey Seth Summer: Cohen Seth: shh relax Summer (shakes his head) I wont make a scene (to Zach) how can you even look at yourself in the mirror (shakes his head) Zach: look Seth I-I need to tell you something Seth: you know what, save your apology Zach: it's not an apology, I'm quitting the comic Summer: (shocked) what Seth: what Zach: it's just, its caused too many problems between me an Summer, it's not worth it Seth: yeah but the launch party is Saturday Summer: yeah Zach you can't, it means too much to you Zach: (looks at Summer) not as much as you do (Seth watches in disbelief, his mouth is wide open) Summer: (sighs and looks at Seth then Zach) I have to go (leaves) Seth: ooh I see what your doin, let me tell you somethin, it's not gonna work, ok, she will see it for the cheap ploy that it is e...ventually (rolls his eyes) Zach: look Seth, I've always liked you...but...if I have'ta sacrifice our friendship to be with Summer, ill do it Seth: amazing, this whole time I thought you were a nice guy Zach: (frowns) wake up, I'm a water polo player, we're never nice guys Seth: well looks like I wont have'ta worry about adding you to Atomic County your already there, the demon water polo player The Ironist's nemesis Zach: an its gonna take a little bit more than quick quips an pop culture laden bromides to win Little Miss Vixen Seth: so its war Zach: its war (Seth and Zach both look at each and then open a door each. they both walk in the same direction, staring at each other) Seth: my locker is this way Zach: so's mine Seth: fine, stay on that side'a the hall CUT TO: Marissa outside heading to the parking lot - she stops all of a sudden and looks worried. we see why. Trey is pacing near a bench, obviously waiting for her. she stands by a tree watching Trey, clearly not wanting anything to do with him. Summer appears in the background Summer: (looks at Marissa) what're you doing Marisa: (turns around, suprised) Summer (smiles, relived) hey I was uh I was uh waiting for you...look my car is like completely outta gas so would you give me a ride (hopeful) Summer: sure, c'mon (motions) Marissa: um the only thing is I uh, I left a book inside (points) so could you pick me up around back Summer: yeah, whatever (walks off) (Marissa watches Trey who is still waiting, he sits down on the bench and puts his head on his hands. Marissa looks over whelmed) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy is in there and Kirsten walks in Kirsten: (suprised) oh, uh Sandy I-I thought you'd-you'd gone Sandy: no no my first meetings not till ten, I I hope you don't mind I uh (holds up the empty glass) I finished the tomato juice (Kirsten looks at the glass, then him) but there's coffee (we can now see that Kirsten is wearing Carters present around her neck) Kirsten: you know I-I'm jus gonna go I'm a little late (smiles then goes to walk away) Sandy: hey (Kirsten looks) I made a reservation at karakie? in Palm Springs, its suppose'ta be y'know really romantic Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) oh, yeah um I checked my schedule, I don't think I can take Monday Sandy: come on, its jus one day Kirsten: I know I'm-I'm I'm sorry, maybe in a couple'a weeks (Sandy closes his eyes and nods) but we'll talk about it tonight ok Sandy: alright (Kirsten again goes to leave) hey (Kirsten looks) what, I don't get a kiss Kirsten: of course (smiles and kisses Sandy on the cheek) mwa (smiles) Sandy: (notices the necklace) oh (touches the pendant) oh is that new Kirsten: uh yeah I-I got it at Featherbrook I-I picked it up at the gift shop (smiles) (Sandy looks at Kirsten then back at the pendant. Kirsten looks at him) Sandy: well (lets go of the pendant) it suits you (Kirsten smiles) have a good day (kisses Kirsten on the cheek) (Kirsten nods and leaves the kitchen. Sandy watches her) CUT TO: The diner - Zach walks in the door and over to a booth where Reed and Seth are waiting Seth: hey (waves) Reed: hey Zach thanks for coming on such short notice (Zach nods, Seth sucks on his drink) well uh lets jus go over the details of the launch (looks at Seth) Zach: (looks down) yeah listen Reed I uh I only came here today to...let you know that I have'ta pull outta the comic (looks at Reed) (Reed looks at Zach, and then Seth who has is mouth wide open, in fake shock lol) Reed: excuse me Zach: personal reasons, um which I'm sure Seth can fill you in on (Seth is still sucking on his drink) at a later date but uh I wanted to tell you face to face (nods) I'm...sorry Reed: ok well I know that your young an its a comic book an its fun fun fun, but to us this is a business...an you signed a contract (Zach listens) so unless you wanna deal with a lawsuit for the next fourr years I suggest you stay where you are, you order a sandwich an lets go over the details of the launch (Zach looks down then over at Seth who is 'playing' his straw like a musical instrument) Zach: you did this Seth: (stops playing) hm? Zach: did you threaten to pull out too (Reed looks at Seth) if she didn't force me back in (Reed looks at him) is that what you did Seth: (frowns and puts his hands up defensively) whoa buddy Zach I have no idea what your talkin about (shakes his head) I'm glad your back in if that's what's goin on, but that's it Reed: (to Zach) so what's it gonna be gorgeous, am I callin my lawyers or are you gonna order a crab sandwich (Zach looks at Seth, in disbelief) Seth: (nods at Zach, softly) crab sandwich (winks) CUT TO: The Newport Group office - Julie walks into Caleb's office, he's sitting at his desk Caleb: so what's today's heart attack special Julie, deep fried ribs, steak tar tar, that supersize guy oughta spend some time with you Julie: (holds out an envelope) this came for you at the house (drops it on the desk) listen, Cal, we need ta talk to a councilor Caleb: (picks up the envelope) excuse me Julie: a councilor, a professional, someone who can penetrate that fortress of solitude you've erected Caleb: (opens the envelope) of all your ideas, that has got to be the worst Julie: (matter of factly) well, then, I'm out, I mean you're not interested in my cooking (Caleb is looking at what was in the envelope) your certainly not interested in my body, you said you wanted to try an make this marriage work Caleb: ...(looks at Julie) you may, have a point (stands) I have ben... letting you do all the work, I'm jus not a councilor sorta guy (raises eyebrows) sitting on a couch (Julie looks at him) talking about my needs...how bout a date, tomorrow night, The Arches (Julie smiles) I will try Julie: mm (kisses Caleb on the cheek) we can make this work (Caleb smiles and Julie leaves. Caleb's smile goes, he sits on the edge of his desk and turns the paper over that came out of the envelope. we see that it is the black and white photos of Julie and Lance from out the front of the motel. in the first one they are just walking out of the door. in the second one Julie is facing away from Lance and Lance is looking at her. the last photo we see is upside down, and it is of the kiss. Julie has her hands on Lances face and they both look very into it) CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten has just come home from work, to an empty house Kirsten: (calls) Sandy (looks around and then heads towards the kitchen) helloooo (Kirsten sighs and puts her keys and bag down on the counter. she turns around so her back is leaning against the counter and then she touches the pendant with her hand, after a few seconds she slowly walks over to the phone and picks it up. she turns around and leans against the counter before slowly dialing a number, she brings the phone up to her ear and listens) Message: your call has ben forwarded to a voice messaging center, please leave a message at the tone (beep) Kirsten: hi Carter its-its me (smiles then closes her eyes) I uh wanted to thankyou for the necklace its beautiful and...I'm sorry, I shouldnt'a called, please don't call back (Kirsten hangs up abruptly then opens the fridge, she takes out the bottle of vodka and puts it on the counter where her bag and car keys are) CUT TO: Harbor school - student lounge, Jess is there talking to another girl, and she looks at somebody out of the corner of her eye. we then see Ryan walk in, he does a small cute wave to Marissa who is down near the coffee/food bit. Marissa smiles and waves back. Ryan smiles then continues walking Jess: (moves in front of Ryan) hey (smiles) Ryan: hey (looks at Jess) Jess: Jess (raises eyebrows) Marissa's pool...floater girl Ryan: ahh yeah yeah yeah (Marissa doesn't look happy) Jess: you're Ryan, Trey an I 've ben hangin out Ryan: ah you an Trey, jus what he needs more trouble Jess: (flattered) mm you think I'm trouble (smiles) you might be even cuter than your brother (Ryan looks at Jess then Marissa. Marissa looks down, sadly) Ryan: listen I gotta (motions to Marissa) Jess: (looks over) oh right Marissa's waiting, can't keep Marissa waiting (Ryan looks at her) think I could borrow a pen (before Ryan can answer Jess tries to stick her hand into his pocket, he pulls her hand away with his and looks at her. we then see Marissa being served, she smiles at the guy and takes her coffee then looks up at Jess and Ryan before walking away. Ryan holds a pen out for Jess and we see Marissa leaving. Jess takes the pen from Ryan and looks over in the direction of where Marissa was) Jess: thanks Ryan, you're a sport (raises eyebrows) (Jess leaves and Ryan just stands there - the next thing we see is Marissa walking towards her car. Trey walks in front of her) Trey: Marissa Marissa: (stops) what're you doing here Trey: look jus let me explain, ok Marissa: (looks away then back at Trey, she keeps walking) god, there's nothing you can say to me that I wanna hear (Trey grabs Marissa's arm trying to stop her from walking away) Trey: wi- Marissa: (yells, softly) let go of me (Trey lets go and Marissa glares at him. Ryan runs over) Ryan: (calls) Marissa, hey Marissa: (looks over) hey (smiles) Ryan: (sees Trey) hey man Trey: hey Ry (smiles) how you doin (they do a hand/hug thing) Ryan: what're you doin here Trey: nothin, jus came to uh thank Marissa for the Bait Shop gig, it's really great (Marissa forces a small smile) Ryan: yeah (looks at Trey) what'did you do to your head (touches Treys cut) Trey: (flinches) nothin man, it jus (shakes his head) banged on a cabinet (Marissa looks at him then Ryan) Ryan: so what's up, you guys wanna grab a bite Marissa: no, I have'ta get home (Ryan looks at her) you know uh my mom needs help Trey: yeah yeah I should probably get back to work, but uh I wanna hear about Miami Ryan: definitely (Trey leaves and Marissa walks over to her car. Ryan follows) Ryan: hey (Marissa smiles and unlocks her car) everything alright Marissa: yeah, yeah you know jus my mom's usual insanity (opens the car door) Ryan: gotcha (moves in front of Marissa) so um, tomorrow night is Seth's comic book thing, I figured we'd hit that then maybe grab dinner Marissa: yeah, yeah Ryan: yeah, I mean if-if you want Marissa: no yeah (smiles) sure and (looks down then at Ryan) I promise ill be in a better mood by then (kisses Ryan on the cheek) (Marissa gets in her car and backs out. Ryan looks over his shoulder and frowns, worried) CUT TO: Cohen lounge room - we can hear music coming from somewhere, the camera pans up to show that the TV is on. we can also see that Kirsten is sprawled out on the couch Sandy: (off screen, calls) hooonnneeyy I'm home, hey I thought we'd go out tonight, I made a reservation at that fancy new steak joint, you know the one with the-the really heavy silverware (the camera has now turned and we can see Sandy standing just near the entrance of the living room holding a big bunch of flowers. we can also see that Kirsten is sound asleep. one hand is draped over the back of the couch and the other is near the floor) Sandy: what d'you say...honey (Sandy puts his briefcase down and kneels beside Kirsten) Sandy: honey (Sandy puts the flowers down the other end of the couch and then looks down at the floor, we see an empty glass. he picks it up and smells it then puts the glass on the coffee table) Sandy: lets get you to bed (drapes Kirsten's arm around his neck) come on Kirsten: mm Sandy: one two (Sandy picks Kirsten up in his arms and stands, then carries her towards the bedroom) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom the next morning - we see Kirsten with her hair draped over her face, lying on the bed sound asleep. Sandy slowly comes in carrying a tray with breakfast and the paper, and a single pink rose Sandy: rise an shine, riiiissseee an shine (puts the tray down) (Kirsten puts her hand up slightly) it's a beautiful morning (sits on the bed) come on, look what I brought ya Kirsten: (turns to face Sandy, suprised) ohhh, Sandy Sandy: (points) black coffee, bacon, those little waffles you like so much, whipped butter two fried eggs fruit an OJ, I call it the whaler Kirsten: how can I resist (sits up) thankyou Sandy: (hands Kirsten coffee) boy you were out cold when I got home last night Kirsten: yeah, well, I was exhausted long week (smiles and drinks the coffee) Sandy: seemed like it was more then exhaustion Kirsten: (looks at Sandy, frowns) well what'do you mean Sandy: ...I'm worried about how much you're drinking Kirsten: (mouth open in shock) I I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm fine, I mean I was exhausted, you know I had a couple'a drinks so what Sandy: well I'm not jus talkin about last night Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) have you ben watching me Sandy: we do live together, should I be concerned Kirsten: (shrugs) I- I'm fine (shakes her head) look m-maybe I've ben drinking more then usual but ill-ill ill cut down ok Sandy: so it's not somethin at work, takin on too much (Kirsten looks down, not saying anything) is it that Carter left Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) what (frowns) Sandy: he left very suddenly...so I figured...maybe you had to do some'a his work too Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) I'm fine (Sandy nods) an id appreciate it if you'd trust me, I have to shower (gets up) Sandy: ill put this in the microwave Kirsten: (sighs) don't bother I'm not hungry (Kirsten goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Sandy looks worried) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan and Seth are sitting on the floor in front of the bed playing playstation together Seth: yeah you like that...here's a little somethin your master Yoda never taught ya (on the TV screen we see the game, I assume you see what they talk about next, but I don't get it lol) Ryan: ohp (looks at the TV, suprised) oh Seth: (shocked) you jus threw a light saber at me an killed me Ryan: mm (scratches his neck) Seth: I didn't know you could throw that light saber Ryan: yeah new game, who knew Seth: well it's to bad Marissa's not here, the ladies can't resist a young Jedi Ryan: yeah I don't know about that (stands) Seth: why you guys in a fight Ryan: eh I don't know, ever since I got back from Miami she's ben actin kinda nervous around me Seth: well you could talk to Summer except, you cannot because she's off limits until phase two of Zach attack is complete...but uh I think Trey was around last week right, maybe he knows somethin Ryan: did you say phase two Seth: yeah ya see Zach bein in the comic book does me no good unless Summer knows about it an it aint like he's (raises eyebrows) gonna tell her (Seth's phone rings, he puts a finger up to Ryan as if to say 'one second' then pulls his phone out and answers it) Seth: yello...heeey excellent...is guy smiley still with her...ok stay p- no no Leon you cant leave I don't care if you got swim lessons ill be there in a minute (hangs up and stands) Ryan: Seth please tell me you're not usin the comic book club to spy on Summer an Zach CUT TO: Outside the diner - Leon is behind a trash can looking through binoculars, we see Summer and Zach inside the diner in a booth together. Seth goes over to Leon Seth: hey, Leon, they still in there (takes the binoculars) Leon: they just paid (inside we see Zach and Summer getting ready to leave) Leon: is Zach really tryin to destroy the comic book club Seth: what (takes the binoculars away) oh yeah, yeah yeah totally (gives the binoculars to Leon) Leon: Seth I need to get something ta eat my blood sugars all low Seth: (stands) ok shh shh shh ill be back, stay there (we see Summer and Zach standing now. Seth heads over to the diner entrance) Seth: Summer, Zach hey, what a suprise (smiles) Summer: Cohen (holds Zach's arm) what're you doing here Seth: uh jus fillin up the tank you know got a big day (Summer nods, Zach looks suspicious) I got the launch party tonight (to Zach) hey Reed wanted me to tell you, we should get there a half hour early tonight ok, somethin about a wizard magazine interview Summer: hey, dementia boy (looks at Zach) Zach quit your stupid comic book remember (puts her arm around Zach) Seth: oh did you not tell her yet (points then puts his hand up to his mouth in pretend shock) oh ugh did I put my foot in it again (Zach doesn't look impressed) Summer: (looks at Zach) what's he talking about Zach: I was gonna tell ya Seth: (interrupts) I'm jus gonna go (softly) I'm sorry (Seth goes inside the diner and sits down at a booth, he puts his hands to his mouth excited. outside we see what Seth is seeing which is Summer and Zach arguing, Summer hits Zach in the head and Seth flinches and mouths 'oooooh' he looks like he's thoroughly enjoying it,lol. Summer walks away leaving Zach by himself. Seth silently laughs. Zach looks through the window at him and Seth quickly puts the menu in front of his face, lol) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Trey is out the front unloading a van full of cartons. he bends down to put a carton on the trolley and through the windscreen we can see Ryan walking up Ryan: (calls) yo Trey: yo (Ryan walks around to the back of the van where Trey is still unloading) Ryan: hey man got you workin huh Trey: oh yeah, real slave drivers, what's up Ryan: nothin, listen (sighs) I gotta ask you somethin, Marissa's ben actin a little weird since I got back (frowns) she didn't...happen to say anything when you guys were hangin out did she Trey: (raises eyebrow) nope, I don't think so Ryan: you sure, you didn't notice anything- Trey: uh look man I got alot of work ta do so (looks at Ryan) no offense but I don't want em to think I'm slackin off (points) Ryan: oh yeah yeah yeah Trey: but uh hey man, we'll talk later right Ryan: yeah (Trey wheels the cartons towards the Bait Shop and Jess walks up behind Ryan) Jess: well well (Ryan turns around) if it isn't baby brother Ryan: (keeps walking) I jus came by to see Trey (Jess walks into the front of Ryan, stopping him from walking away) Jess: me too, but I could be talked out of it Ryan: look, whatever's goin on between you two he needs time to get his life back together Jess: come on, it's not like we're serious, I mean how could we be he's completely obsessed with (stops) (Ryan looks at her) well with someone else Ryan: you know what fine (raises eyebrows) I'm not gettin involved (tries to walk away) (Jess stops him again) Jess: well, the fact is Ryan (moves closer to Ryan) I've always had this fantasy about two brothers Ryan: I think that's gonna stay a fantasy Jess: I get it, I use'ta think it was strange too...but apparently (smiles) I'm not the only one inta the brother thing (Jess walks away and Ryan looks as though he's thinking) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer is busy throwing some things into a cardboard box, Marissa comes in holding a few bags Marissa: I have a problem Summer: well come on in an join the party Marissa: ok I have ben shopping all afternoon and (sits on the bed) what are you doing Summer: I'm just erasing every vestige of Seth (grabs a photo) an Zach (grabs another photo) from my life, you know as far as I'm concerned Reed can have them (grins) (Marissa looks at Summer then empties one of her bags) Summer: (looks at Marissa) what's up Marissa: (sighs) ok so I have this really important date with Ryan later an I need it to be perfect (frustrated) I can't figure out what to wear Summer: please, you could dress as grimace an stop traffic (looks at a photo of her and Seth) man I look good in this picture (rips it in half and puts herself back on the mirror) Marissa: ok what'do you think (holds a greenish top up against herself) Summer: well, hm, let me see (takes the top, Marissa sighs) what is that (frowns) Marissa: what (Summer pulls her jacket aside to see the bruising, she pushes it back) what Summer: that! (pulls the jacket across again and touches it) ouch Marissa: ow (smiles and holds her chest) Summer: Coop what were- you ben playing rugby Marissa: yeah well um I jus slipped Summer: (unconvinced) an fell on your collar bone Marissa: (holds up another top, changes the subject) wait so who is Reed Summer: oh she's that busty comic book tart that turned Seth into an egomaniac by agreeing to publish his graphic novel (raises eyebrows) an then threatened to sue Zach if he pulled outta the comic (frowns) oh my god this is so her fault Marissa: what're you talking about Summer: wait don't you see, before she came there was no scheming, no fighting, the comic book was deader than dead, oh (makes a motion with her finger then goes over to her bag and jacket) Marissa: w-w-wait where're you going Summer: uh-uh, nobody messes with my men (points to herself) but me (snaps her finger) (Marissa looks at her) oh it is ass kicking time (Marissa raises her eyebrows) Coop (goes over to Marissa) wear the black, he wont know what hit him CUT TO: Cohen front door - we hear the door bell then we see Kirsten opening it, Julie is standing there Kirsten: Julie (Julie waves and smiles) what're you doin here Julie: I...need to talk Kirsten: well come to the kitchen (the next thing we see is Kirsten and Julie walking into the kitchen) Kirsten: you want a drink Julie: isn't it a little bit early Kirsten: (opens the cupboard) what'do you wanna talk about Julie: uh well your father Kirsten: thennn it's not too early (puts ice in the glass she just got out) Julie: good point, ok, here's the thing, has he said anything to you uh about us (points to herself) (Kirsten has just poured vodka into Julie's glass, it appears that Kirsten already has a glass of vodka/juice sitting on the counter for herself) Kirsten: my dad doesn't exactly tell me about his romantic life (pours juice in) Julie: yeah, I figured, its jus that I really really want this marriage to work Kiki, I mean...he says he does but (scoffs) I don't know if he means it I mean he's (drinks, puts her hand up) oh my gosh (swallows) Kirsten: what Julie: how much vodka did you put in this Kirsten: a normal amount (shrugs) a little less Julie: (looks at Kirsten) ok um...is everything alright, where's Sandy Kirsten: (swallows) out Julie: mm-hmm did something happen, did you two have a fight (raises eyebrows) Kirsten: (frowns, shakes her head) no...(closes her eyes) yes, oh god I don't know...seems like we've ben fighting since September (sits at the end of the counter) Julie: Kirsten...now I know that I'm probably the last person in the world you wanna bare your soul to but...it's gotta be better then getting smashed in the middle of the day, what happened Kirsten: what happened (looks at Julie then at her drink) the boys left for the summer (Julie listens) Sandy an I stopped communicating, Rebecca Bloom came along an made things worse...an then Carter (brings the glass closer to her mouth) Julie: well he was cute (nods) Kirsten: ...something happened between me an Sandy...this wall came between us...an Carter just...made me feel less alone (Julie looks at her) like Sandy use to (closes her eyes) an now he's gone (drinks) CUT TO: The setting for Atomic County's opening - Reed is there over looking the preparations. we see a guy carrying a life size cut out of Kid Chino, then another guy with a life size of Cosmo Girl Reed: make sure Kid Chinos not blocking Cosmo Girl (we then see Summer appear in the door way) Summer: I have a question (Reed looks up) hmm (frowns) where's your cut out, or have they not made super bitch yet (puts her hand on her hip) Reed: is this about Seth an Zach Summer: you an your comic have turned those two idiots inta complete (sees The Ironists cut out) idiots (looks at Reed) Reed: (corrects) graphic novel, an I'm trying to run a business Summer: (walks over to Reed) you have played one against the other, manipulating Seth an then threatening Zach so you could end up with all of the power Reed: I'm sorry that you feel that way Summer: well your gonna be because I am going to tell them both if either of them has anything to do with you, I'm never speaking to them again (goes to walk away) Reed: (follows) Summer, Seth an Zach have talent they could have careers in comics but you are the Niko of the group Summer: I'm sorry I-I don't get references before nineteen ninety Reed: its your picture people are gonna ask for (Summer listens) its your face on the magazine covers, what'do you want, a career in fashion, movies this is the perfect launching pad (Summer looks at her) an do you really think ill be able ta control them once you have the limelight, it'll be your show (smiles) Summer: (squints) you're manipulating me...but I think I like what you're saying Reed: (nods, smiles) I have some outfits I wanna show you but first tell me about this super bitch, do you think she could support her own comic Summer: mm no, not so much (Reed and Summer walk away and the camera pans up to show an Atomic County banner. it has the 4 characters in their costumes on a blueish background with ATOMIC COUNTY in white bubble writing) CUT TO: The pool house at night - Ryan is sitting on the step getting ready, he looks over and sees Marissa come to the door, looking very hot in black Marissa: hey Ryan: (suprised) hey I was gonna pick you up Marissa: uh its ok I wanted ta suprise you (touches her stomach) is this ok for a comic book launch Ryan: (walks over to Marissa) it'll do (smiles) (Marissa kisses Ryan, she has one hand on his shoulder and the other on the side of his head. she wraps her arm around his neck getting into the kiss more) Ryan: mm (pulls away) so listen um (Marissa looks at him) you've ben um uh-uh is everything ok Marissa: (smiles and kisses Ryan) why don't you tell me (Marissa kisses Ryan again and pushes him onto the bed. she gets on top of him and starts kissing him again, it gets more heated. this continues for a few seconds and then Ryan turns her so that she is underneath him. except when they turn what we see is Trey on top of Marissa, kissing her. we then see the shot from a different angle where Marissa opens her eyes and sees Ryan as Trey. she looks scared and begins breathing heavily. we then see Ryan looking at her confused. Marissa closes her eyes and opens them again, she sees the real Ryan this time and she smiles, relieved. he bends down and starts kissing her again. after a few seconds the view changes and we again see Trey on top of Marissa. he's kissing her roughly and Marissa is making noises like she's scared. Marissa opens her eyes and we see Ryan, but she sees Trey and pulls herself back as pushes him away. Ryan looks at Marissa and frowns. Marissa looks at him and blinks and swallows. Ryan looks at her, then Marissa looks away and puts her hand on her head, she looks back at Ryan, a little calmer. Ryan smiles and bends down to start kissing her again. Marissa moves her hands to near Ryan's neck, and Ryan starts kissing Marissa's neck {similar to what Trey was doing when he attacked her} he kisses her on the lips again. at this point we see Ryan as Trey and we hear voice overs, sort of like what is going through Marissa's head) VO Trey: no ones ever ben this nice ta me VO Marissa: yeah cause your Ryan's brother (Marissa opens her eyes and sees Trey above her. the camera pulls back a bit more and its Ryan again. Marissa lets him kiss her again. more voice overs) VO Trey: more then that VO Trey: one night, no one needs ta know (we see Ryan change into Trey as he kisses Marissa. it changes back to Ryan again) VO Marissa: (scared) get off of me me (Ryan kisses Marissa's neck again, and Marissa frowns, looking scared. Marissa starts struggling like she did that night, almost crying. we see her pushing away Trey at the shoulders. then it changes to Ryan with his head touching hers, and her hand is on his chest. then it changes to Trey with his head near her ear. then it changes to Ryan with his head buried in her neck, and Marissa turning her face away from his, and pulling herself away from his body. then we see a close up of Ryan kissing Marissa on the lips, it changes to Trey trying to kiss Marissa, and then Marissa moves her head away and Trey pushes it back. we see Trey with his mouth near Marissas ear, and he is saying/we hear the echo of "nobody needs ta know". Marissa pushes Ryan off of her, freaked out. Ryan looks confused. Marissa sits up and gets off the bed abruptly) Ryan: hey hey (gets off the bed) what's wrong Marissa: (freaked out) I'm sorry I can't do this (backing towards the door) I uh thought I could but I-its ben too long too much has happened (puts up her hand) Ryan: ok alright Marissa: (sad) I'm sorry (leaves) Ryan: jus talk- (Marissa hurries down the stairs and into the house to leave. Ryan watches her go, completely confused about what just happened) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Kirsten is sitting on the couch looking very drained. she's holding a glass in her hand. Sandy comes in the front door Kirsten: where've you ben Sandy: I was droppin your car off, you know at the shop it was uh makin a weird noise, I got you a rental (hands Kirsten the keys) Kirsten: thanks Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) we need to talk Kirsten: oh, why, does the car need alotta work Sandy: about us Kirsten: (nods) well (sighs and stands) in that case I'm gonna get some more water (Sandy looks at her) (the next thing we see is Kirsten filling her glass with tap water in the kitchen. Sandy comes in) Sandy: did somethin happen between you an Carter Kirsten: (with her back to Sandy) ugh don't do it like this Sandy: just tell me Kirsten: (turns around) is that what you really think Sandy: is it so crazy, you have a close relationship with this man when we're goin through a hard time an when he leaves you go on a bender Kirsten: well nothing happened, the same way nothing happened between you an Rebecca Sandy: why are you bringin that up again Kirsten: again (moves closer) Sandy what'do you think this is, what'do you think Carter was about Sandy: I want you to tell me Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) you left me Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) did you have an affair with him Kirsten: you don't get it do you (Sandy looks at her, Kirsten looks at him and then walks out of the kitchen) Sandy: no... (we hear the sound of a door slamming) CUT TO: Atomic County's launch - we see Reed and Zach sitting behind a table together, and Seth is standing up with a microphone holding a copy of Atomic County. there is people sitting in front of them, listening Seth: an then the demonic water polo player throws his plasma ball at Kid Chino an The Ironist, shouting, welcome - to - Atomic - County - Bitch (Zach looks bored) then in the next panel here (Reed looks at Seth) Kid Chino catches it, he catches it an he- Reed: (claps and stands) thankyou Seth that was wonderful Seth: I wasn't finished Reed: (covers the mic) you know you read for an hour an you described every panel (touches Seth's back) you're finished Seth: ok Reed: right (claps, the audience claps with her) that's right Seth, poet (Seth sits next to Zach and picks up a bottle of water) Zach: (grabs the bottle) that's my water Seth: whatever, I'm thirsty Zach: (frowns) yeah because you went on about forty five minutes to long (the audience watches them argue over the bottle of water) Seth: you know why don't you just get a hair cut (pulls the bottle) ok I think everyone's a little sick of the Shaun Cassidy thing Zach: (pulls on the bottle) why don't you- Reed: guys, as I was saying (Seth lets go of the water) on behalf of bad science we'd like to thankyou all for coming to the launch of Atomic County (Seth looks at Zach, who is drinking the water) we have one final suprise, after getting your copy signed you will get a photo with a real life member of Atomic County, I give you Little - Miss - Vixen (points sexily) (the audience looks eagerly toward the platform. Seth looks over as well. we hear the sound of a whip being cracked and we see a pair of black boots walk up onto the platform, we hear photos being taken and clapping from the audience. the camera pans up to show the whole outfit. Summer is in pink fishnet stockings, black shorts and a black singlet with pink sections. she is also wearing a black mask over her eyes and holding a whip in her hand. we see Zach and Seth staring at Summer. we see more of the audience clapping excitedly, and flash's from cameras. Summer is loving it, she smiles at the audience. a guy winks at her. Leon from earlier is also there. we see more of Summer holding the whip) Seth: (staring at Summer) nice whip Zach: (also staring) yeah CUT TO: The Arches - Julie walks in ready to have dinner with Caleb M: ah Mrs. Nichol (takes Julies hand) you look beautiful tonight Julie: (flattered) thankyou (smiles) M: is Mr. Nichol with you Julie: uh no, he got held up at the office so he asked me to meet him here, typical (the guy and Julie laugh. a woman walks up behind Julie, holding an envelope) W: Julie Cooper-Nichol Julie: yes (turns around) W: (holds up a pen and the envelope) this is for you Julie: oh W: please sign to show that you received them Julie: (signs) what is it (smiles) W: I wouldn't know ma'm (the woman hands the envelope to Julie and Julie smiles and takes it. she looks at the envelope and then opens it, smiling) Julie: uh-hm (reads) (Julies smile goes an she has her mouth open in shock) CUT TO: The Newport Group office - Julie walks into Caleb's office, holding the blue piece of paper she just received. Caleb is sitting at his desk Julie: you're divorcing me! Caleb: (looks up) Julie Julie: (throws the piece of paper on the desk) you son of a bitch! did you have fun watching me scramble around trying to save this marriage while you met with lawyers, did you enjoy it Caleb: don't be ridiculous Julie: ok, fine you want out you got it, but let me tell you something (points) I am going to make you pay, pre nup or no pre nup Ill bleed you dry you won't have a po- (Caleb puts the pictures from earlier down in front of her. Julie stares at them, stunned) Caleb: you'll have'ta explain these first (stands) (Julie looks through the photos) Julie: ...you had me followed Caleb: (pours himself a drink) you have ben monitored to one degree or another since before we were married...the affair ya had with your former husband...the tryst last year with that high schooler Luke (frowns) Julie: (looks at Caleb) oh my god Caleb: I mean, your daughter's boyfriend, what will people think (drinks) Julie: (dazed) ex boyfriend Caleb: despite all of this I was willing to give us a chance (points to the photos) until that Julie: (upset) but nothing happened this was jus- Caleb: (cold) oh stop it Julie (Julie looks at him) I don't have the stomach for it anymore, I've gotten a hotel room, you have a week to find somewhere else to live...then I want you and your daughter gone (hands Julie the divorce papers) now get outta my office (Julie takes the paper and starts to walk away. Caleb sits back down at his desk) Caleb: oh by the way (Julie stops) ...your fired! CUT TO: Atomic County's launch - we see Summer/Little Miss Vixen posing on the platform for a photo with Leon, then we see Zach signing a copy of Atomic County for someone. and then somebody else getting their photo taken with Summer. Seth's hands poke through the curtain from backstage and grab Summer around the waist, he pulls her to him Summer: wait, ow (takes off her mask) Cohen, what are you doing Seth: please Summer I need to talk to you, ok Summer: can't you see I'm working Seth: listen, I'm sorry about what happened in Miami ok I jus I promise you it'll never happen again Summer: (nods) ok, that you'll never go on TV an eat whipped cream off a naked girl again (raises eyebrows) that's reassuring Seth: (gets down on his knees) look, Summer, I'm an ass ok I know that an I know I don't deserve another shot (takes Summers hand) (sincerely) but I love you (Summer looks at him, her expression softens) an I think you love me too, please (before Summer can say anything Zach walks through the curtain and sees them) Zach: I knew it Seth: (stands) Zach not now (to Summer) ok Summer you were about to say something Zach: Summer don't listen to him (Summer looks from Seth to Zach, over whelmed) Seth: hey (touches Zach) I'm not gonna tell ya again buddy Zach: (frowns) or what (pushes Seth) Seth: or...I, you'll...see (pushes Zach) Summer: come on you guys don't Reed: I'm sorry I jus- (Reed comes in and accidentally knocks Zach onto Seth. Summer gasps) Reed: oh, guys, guys (yells) guys, stop (Seth and Zach get tangled up in the curtain and end up ripping it down, and then falling onto the display stands and things. the audience backs away as Zach and Seth roll around on the floor, still inside the curtain. Reed has her hands over her face, and Summer looks worried) Zach: ow Seth: Zach stop punching me Zach: biting me Seth: that's my eye (the audience is still watching) Zach: stop it Seth: no Zach: (yells) stop pulling my hair (Summer runs over to try and break them up) Summer: you guys (bends down and yells) stop it (Seth gets up and head butts Summer with the back of his head, in her face accidentally) Summer: ahhh (holds her face) god Seth: (concerned) Summer ? I'm sorry, hey hey hey you alright, is it bleeding, can I see (Zach comes up behind Seth and hits him across the back of the head with The Ironists cardboard cut out. Summer screams again) Reed: everybody the reading is over, thankyou for coming Summer: (still holding her face) what the Zach: (to Summer) let me explain Summer: explain oh (Seth jumps on Zach's back and grabs him around the head) Seth: explain this Zach: (tries to get Seth off of himself) ahhhh Seth: explain this (still holding Zach's head) Zach: come here (Summer is still standing there watching in disbelief, holding her face. the next thing with see is Zach near to the floor and Seth with his legs either side of him) Seth: huh, huh (the audience is still watching them) Seth: that's right, go down (still holding onto Zach's head) come here (clenches his teeth) (Zach, with Seth still on his back spins around and ends up crashing into another display) Seth: whooooa (lands on his feet) (Reed watches them in disbelief. Seth and Zach end up on the floor and Seth jumps on top of Zach. Summer is now pinching her nose to stop it from bleeding. we see Seth still on top of Zach. Summer cracks her whip at them) Summer: stop it! (Summer holds the whip and Zach and Seth lift their heads to look at her, and then sit up) Summer: god what is wrong with you two, seriously what is wrong with you Seth: Summer look (out of breath) you jus have'ta choose ok, once an for all Zach: (looks at Summer) he's right, you have'ta choose Summer: fine, you know what I choose neither! (Summer leaves and Seth and Zach are sitting on the floor, Reed walks over) Zach: oh hey- Reed: I don't wanna hear it (puts up a finger) jus clean it up, now (Reed leaves) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is on the phone Ryan: (eyes closed) Marissa hey its me again listen uh (sighs) call me back, please (opens his eyes) jus tell me what's goin on (Ryan sighs and hangs up. Sandy comes to the door

Plan: A: Carter; Q: Who has been gone? A: just tomato juice; Q: What has Kirsten been drinking for breakfast? A: Sandy; Q: Who questions Kirsten about her drinking? A: the bedroom; Q: Where does Sandy go when Kirsten is drinking? A: Ryan; Q: Who wonders if something has happened between Marissa and Trey? A: Summer; Q: Who confronts Reed about the graphic novel? A: the "Atomic County" launch party; Q: What event does Summer find herself at? A: Caleb; Q: Who shows Julie that a picture is worth a thousand words? Summary: Since Carter's been gone, Kirsten has been drinking more than just tomato juice for breakfast and when Sandy questions her, he's left alone in the bedroom. When Marissa acts nervous around Ryan, Ryan wonders if something has happened between Marissa and Trey. Summer, tired of Seth and Zach acting foolish, confronts Reed about the graphic novel and finds herself center stage at the "Atomic County" launch party. Meanwhile, Caleb shows Julie that a picture is worth a thousand words.

A recap of 1x09 "The Empty Child". INT. HOSPITAL WARD 2 The gas-mask people are surrounding Rose, the Doctor and Jack. Then - the Doctor stares sternly around at them. THE DOCTOR (as though addressing a disobedient child) : Go to your room. The gasmask people hesitate. INT. DINING ROOM Jamie hesitates. INT. HOSPITAL WARD 2 THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Go to your room! The gas-mask people cock their heads to one side. INT. DINING ROOM Jamie cocks his head to one side. INT. HOSPITAL WARD 2 Rose and Jack look at one another. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I mean it! I am very, very angry with you. I am very, very cross! Go... to... your... ROOM! He points violently in no particular direction, and miraculously, all the gas-mask people turn meekly away. INT. DINING ROOM Jamie turns to leave. INT. HOSPITAL WARD 2 The patients and staff in the hospital climb back onto their beds. INT. DINING ROOM Jamie slowly opens the door and leaves the room. INT. HOSPITAL WARD 2 The Doctor sighs with relief. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'm really glad that worked. Those would've been TERRIBLE last words. OPENING CREDITS EXT. STREET Jamie walks alone from the house into the dark night. INT. DINING ROOM Nancy watches him go from the window. NANCY (sadly): Jamie... She sinks to the ground with her back against the wall, and sobs. INT. HOSPITAL WARD 2 Rose is sitting by one of the beds, looking at one of the gasmask people. Jack settles down in a chair. ROSE: Why are they all wearing gas masks? JACK: They're not. Those masks are flesh and bone. THE DOCTOR: How was your con supposed to work? JACK: Simple enough, really. Find some harmless piece of space-junk... let the nearest Time Agent track it back to Earth. Convince him it's valuable, name a price. When he's put 50% up front, oops! A German bomb falls on it, destroys it forever. He never gets to see what he's paid for. Never knows he's been had. I buy him a drink with his own money, and we discuss dumb luck. The perfect self-cleaning con. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Perfect. JACK: The London Blitz is great for self-cleaners, Pompeii's nice if you want to make a vacation of it though, but you've got to set your alarm for volcano day. He laughs at his own joke. The Doctor merely looks at him. Jack's laughter dies away. JACK (CONT'D): Getting a hint of disapproval. THE DOCTOR: Take a look around the room. This is what your "harmless piece of space-junk" did. JACK: It was a burnt-out medical transporter, it was empty. The Doctor looks darkly at him and walks off. THE DOCTOR: Rose. ROSE: We getting out of here? THE DOCTOR: We're going upstairs. Rose follows him. Jack gets up and calls after him. JACK: I even programmed the flight computer so it wouldn't land on anything living, I harmed no-one! I don't know what's happening here, but believe me, I had nothing to do with it. THE DOCTOR: I'll tell you what's happening. You forgot to set your alarm clock. It's volcano day. A siren goes off in the distance. ROSE: What's that? JACK: The all-clear. THE DOCTOR: I wish. He leaves the ward. Rose and Jack follow him. INT. DINING ROOM Upon hearing the siren, Nancy gets up and leaves the dining room. INT. HALLWAY Suddenly, a child wearing a gas-mask jumps out in front of her, and she screams and stumbles backwards - but then the little boy takes the mask off. NANCY: I thought you were Jamie! She leaves the house through the back door, the boy following her. EXT. GARDEN BOY: Dad! Dad! Mr and Mrs Lloyd appear and Mr Lloyd angrily tries to shove her back into the house. NANCY: Get your hands off me! MRS LLOYD (to the boy): Oi! You! Get in! Get in! INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR Rose and Jack run down a corridor looking for the Doctor. JACK (calls): Mr Spock? ROSE (calls): Doctor? They dash past a flight of stairs. The Doctor pops his head around the banister. THE DOCTOR: Have you got a blaster? Rose and Jack skid to a halt and backtrack. JACK: Sure! They run up the stairs and find themselves standing outside a door. THE DOCTOR: The night your space-junk landed, someone was hurt. This was where they were taken. ROSE: What happened? THE DOCTOR: Let's find out. (To Jack): Get it open. Jack grins and points a blaster at the door. The Doctor stands back, beside Rose. ROSE (quietly): What's wrong with your sonic screwdriver? THE DOCTOR: Nothing. Jack's blaster cuts a perfectly square hole around the lock of the door and it squeaks open. THE DOCTOR: Sonic blaster, 51st century. Weapon Factories of Villengard? JACK: You've been to the factories? THE DOCTOR (taking the blaster from Jack for a look): Once. JACK: Well, they gone now. Destroyed. The main reactor went critical. Vapourized the lot. THE DOCTOR (giving the blaster back): Like I said, once. There's a banana grove there, now. I like bananas. Bananas are good. He smiles pleasantly at Jack and enters the room. Rose goes up to Jack. ROSE (looks at the perfectly square hole): Nice blast pattern. JACK: Digital. ROSE: Squareness gun. JACK: Yeah. ROSE: I like it. She goes into the room. Jack laughs, then follows her. INT. THE ROOM The Doctor switches a light on. The room looks as though it has been vandalised. The window is broken and there is stuff all over the floor. THE DOCTOR: What d'you think? JACK: Something got out of here... THE DOCTOR: Yeah. And? JACK: Something powerful. Angry. THE DOCTOR: Powerful and angry. Jack enters a room off the side. The floors and walls are covered with a child's drawings. There are a few toys on the floor and a little bed in the corner. JACK: A child? I suppose this explains "mummy". ROSE: How could a child do this? The Doctor plays a tape of Doctor Constantine talking to the Child. DR. CONSTANTINE: Do you know where you are? THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? DR. CONSTANTINE: Are you aware of what's around you? Can you... see? THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? DR. CONSTANTINE: What do you want? Do you know... THE CHILD: I want my mummy. Are you my mummy? I want my mummy! Are you my mummy? Every single one of the drawings covering the wall are of the Child's mother. THE CHILD (CONT'D): Are you my mummy? Mummy? Mummy? ROSE: Doctor, I've heard this voice before. THE DOCTOR: Me too. THE CHILD: Mummy? ROSE: Always, "are you my mummy?". Like he doesn't know. THE CHILD: Mummy? ROSE: Why doesn't he know? THE CHILD: Are you there, mummy? Mummy? INT. DINING ROOM Mr Lloyd enters the dining room and shuts the door behind him. He leans on the table, at which Nancy is sitting. MR LLOYD: The police are on their way. I pay for the food on this table. The sweat on my brow, that food is. The sweat on my brow. Anything else you'd like? I've got a whole house here, anything else you'd like to help yourself to? NANCY: Yeah. I'd like some wire cutters, please. Mr Lloyd looks unpleasantly surprised. NANCY (CONT'D): Something that can cut through barbed wire. Oh, and a torch. Don't look like that, Mr Lloyd. I know you've got plenty of tools in here. I've been watching this house for ages. And I'd like another look round your kitchen cupboards. I was in a hurry the first time. I wanna see if there's anything I missed. MR LLOYD: The food on this table... NANCY: It's an awful lot of food, isn't it, Mr Lloyd? Mr Lloyd's mouth opens and shuts again. NANCY (CONT'D): A lot more than on anyone else's table. Half this street thinks your missus must be messing about with Mr. Avistock, the butcher. But she's not, is she? You are. Mr Lloyd looks very uncomfortable, and he is starting to sweat. Triumphant, Nancy stands up. NANCY (CONT'D): Wire cutters. Torch. Food. And I'd like to use your bathroom before I leave, please. Oh, look... there's the sweat on your brow. Mr Lloyd agitatedly wipes the beads of sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Nancy goes over to the door and opens it. INT. THE ROOM The reels of the tape spin. THE CHILD: Mummy? Please, mummy? Mummy? The Doctor is pacing around the room. ROSE: Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Can you sense it? JACK: Sense what? THE DOCTOR: Coming out of the walls, can you feel it? THE CHILD: Mummy? The Doctor stops to look around at Rose and Jack. THE DOCTOR: Funny little human brains, how do you get around in those things? ROSE (to Jack): When he's stressed, he likes to insult species. THE DOCTOR (still pacing): Rose, I'm thinking. ROSE: Cuts himself shaving, does half an hour in life forms he's cleverer than... THE DOCTOR: There are these children living rough around the bomb site. They come out during air-raids looking for food. THE CHILD: Mummy, please? THE DOCTOR: Suppose they were there when this thing, whatever it was, landed? JACK: It was a med-ship. It was harmless. THE DOCTOR: Yes, you keep saying. "Harmless". Suppose one of them was affected, altered? ROSE: Altered how? THE CHILD: I'm here! THE DOCTOR: It's afraid. Terribly afraid, and powerful. It doesn't know it yet, but it will do. (Small laugh). It's got the power of a god, and I just sent it to its room. There is a loud, crackling noise filling the room. ROSE (scared): Doctor... THE CHILD: I'm here. Can't you see me? ROSE: What's that noise? THE DOCTOR (smile fading): End of the tape. It ran out about 30 seconds ago. THE CHILD: I'm here, now. Can't you see me? THE DOCTOR: I sent it to it's room. This is its room. He spins around and the Child is standing by the tape machine. THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? (Cocks his head on one side, considering Rose). Mummy? ROSE: Doctor? JACK: Okay... on my signal... make for the door. Now! He violently produces a banana and points it threateningly at the Child. The Doctor grins and produces Jack's sonic blaster, blasting a square hole in the wall. THE DOCTOR: Go! Now! Don't drop the banana! JACK (hopping through the hole in the wall with Rose and the Doctor): Why not?! THE DOCTOR: Good source of potassium! INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR The three of them find themselves back in a corridor. The Child approaches them from inside the room. JACK (grabbing his sonic blaster off the Doctor): Give me that! THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? Jack points the blaster at the wall, and it rebuilds itself, blocking the Child out. JACK: Digital rewind. (Tosses banana back to the Doctor). Nice switch. THE DOCTOR: It's from the Groves of Villengard. I thought it was appropriate. JACK: There's really a banana grove in the heart of Villengard and you did that? THE DOCTOR (simply): Bananas are good. The Child thumps the wall from the other side, cracking it. ROSE: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: Come on! They rush down a short flight of stairs and down another corridor, before they encounter all the patients bursting out of the ward calling "mummy". They hastily backtrack, but they find the gasmask people coming from that direction too. They find themselves back at the point where they started, where the Child is breaking through the wall. THE DOCTOR: It's keeping us here so it can get at us. JACK (points the blaster in each direction in term): It's controlling them? THE DOCTOR: It is them. It's every living thing in this hospital. JACK: Okay. This can function as a sonic blaster, a sonic cannon, and a triple-enfolded sonic disrupter. Doc, what you got? The Doctor takes the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket, but Jack is not looking as he is too busy brandishing his sonic device at the gasmask people. THE DOCTOR: A sonic, er... oh, never mind. JACK: What? The Doctor turns to face the other group of gasmask people, switching on his sonic screwdriver. THE DOCTOR: It's sonic, okay? Let's leave it at that. JACK: Disrupter? Cannon? What? THE DOCTOR: It's sonic! Totally sonic! I am sonic-ed up! JACK: A sonic what?! THE DOCTOR: SCREWDRIVER! Jack spins around. At that moment, the Child finally manages to punch through the wall. He begins to climb through the hole. Rose grabs onto Jack's wrist and makes him point the sonic blaster at the floor. ROSE: Going down! She blasts a hole in the floor. They all fall in a messy heap on the floor of the ward below. INT. HOSPITAL WARD Jack hurriedly activates the digital rewind, closing the hole so they cannot be followed. ROSE (CONT'D): Doctor, are you okay? THE DOCTOR: Could've used a warning...! ROSE: Ugh, the gratitude. They get up and brush themselves off. JACK: Who has a sonic screwdriver? THE DOCTOR :l I do! ROSE (looking around): Light! JACK: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks "oohoo, this could be a little more sonic"? THE DOCTOR (indignantly) : What, you've never been bored? ROSE (still poking around): There's gotta be a light switch! THE DOCTOR: Never had a long night? Never had a lot of cabinets to put up? Rose finally finds a switch and turns the lights on. All the gas-mask people lying in the beds sit up and start calling "mummy". JACK: Door. They rush to the door as the patients start getting out of bed. Finding it locked, Jack tries to blast it open but his sonic blaster doesn't work. JACK (CONT'D): Damn it! He steps back, allowing the Doctor to use his sonic screwdriver instead. He whacks the sonic blaster angrily. JACK (CONT'D): It's the special features, they really drain the battery. ROSE: The battery?! The Doctor opens the door and they dash through it. ROSE: That's so lame. INT. STOREROOM The Doctor slams the door shut behind them and locks it with his sonic screwdriver. JACK (running to the window): I was gonna send for another one, but somebody's gonna blow up the factory. He glares at the Doctor. ROSE: Oh, I know, first day I met him, he blew my job up. That's practically how he communicates. THE DOCTOR: Okay, that door should hold it for a bit. JACK: The door?! The wall didn't stop it! THE DOCTOR: Well, it's gotta find us first! Come on, we're not done yet! Assets, assets! JACK: Well, I've got a banana, and at a pinch you could put up some shelves. THE DOCTOR (going to the window): Window... JACK: Barred, sheer drop outside. Seven stories. ROSE: And no other exits. JACK (settling comfortably into a chair): Well, the assets conversation went in a flash, didn't it? The Doctor turns and eyes him for a moment, then looks at Rose. THE DOCTOR: So, where'd you pick this one up, then? ROSE (warningly): Doctor... JACK: She was hanging from a barrage balloon, I had an invisible spaceship. I never stood a chance. Rose looks ever so slightly uncomfortable. THE DOCTOR: Okay, one, we want to get out of here. Two, we can't get out of here. Have I missed anything? Rose looks in Jack's direction. ROSE (in wonder): Yeah... Jack just disappeared. The Doctor spins around to see Jack's empty chair. INT. OUTHOUSE Jim types on a typewriter. The other children are all crowded inside with him. Nancy enters. NANCY: Thought as much. What are all of you doing here? Different house every night, I told ya! JIM: We thought you were dead! Or you'd run off. ERNIE: I didn't. I knew you'd come back for us. Nancy squats down and empties her bag of supplies on the floor. Ernie looks at Jim with the typewriter. ERNIE: Found that old thing in the junk. Thinks he can write now... JIM: I'm writing a letter to me dad. ERNIE: You don't even know where your dad is. And how're you gonna send it? JIM (as though this is a ridiculous question): I dunno, stick it in an enveloppe? ERNIE: You can't even read or write. JIM: I don't need to, I've got a machine! The typewriter pings. NANCY (harshly, irritated): Will you stop making that noise! A short silence. Jim looks crestfallen and Nancy's face softens. NANCY (CONT'D): I'm sorry, Jim. On you go. You write a letter to your dad if you want to. Jim continues typing. ERNIE (to Nancy): I know we should've went somewhere else, but we need you, see. For the thinking. NANCY: And what if I wasn't here? What if one night, I didn't come back for you? There's a war on... people go out... they don't always come back. It happens. What would you do then? Ernie furrows his brow, then takes the wire cutters from Nancy's hands. ERNIE: Are they wire cutters?! NANCY (standing, taking them back): I need you to think about that. Someone's gotta look after this lot! ERNIE: Why? Are you going somewhere? NANCY (putting the wire cutters into her bag): The bomb site. The one at the railway station. ERNIE (shocked): Why? NANCY: The Child. That's where he was killed. That's where it all started. And I'm gonna find out how. ERNIE (frightened) : He'll get you! And then he'll come for us, he always comes for us! NANCY: No. Ernie, he doesn't. He always comes after me. There are things I haven't told ya... things I can't tell ya. As long as you're with me... you're in danger. Even now, sitting here, you're in danger because of me. ERNIE: You're the one that keeps us safe! NANCY: You think so, Ernie? Then answer this: Jim is sitting there right next to ya. So who's typing? The steady clicking of the typewriter continues, but no one is typing. It types words on the paper. The children look scared. When it stops, Nancy rips the paper out. ERNIE (urgently): Is he coming? NANCY: Ernie... as long as you're with me... he's always coming. She turns to leave, dropping the piece of paper on the floor. She stops at the door. NANCY (CONT'D): Plenty of greens. And chew your food. She leaves. Ernie picks up the piece of paper and reads it. Underneath Jims incoherent jumble of letters and numbers, is typed the phrase "ARE YOU MY MUMMY", repeatedly. INT. STOREHAND Rose approaches the Doctor who is now sitting down and puts her hand casually on the back of his chair. ROSE: Okay, so he's vanished into thin air. Why is it always the great looking ones who do that? The Doctor peers up at her, giving her a look. THE DOCTOR: I'm making an effort not to be insulted. ROSE (waving her hand dismissively): I mean... men. THE DOCTOR (smiling sarcastically): Okay. Thanks. That really helped. An old radio springs to life and Jack's voice transmits through it. JACK: Rose? Doctor? Can you hear me? They both hurry over to the radio, the Doctor picking it up. JACK (CONT'D): I'm back on my ship. INT. JACK'S SHIP On his ship, in the pilot's seat. JACK (CONT'D): Used the emergency teleport. Sorry I couldn't take you. INT. STOREROOM The Doctor, in some confusion, holds the wires that have been ripped out of the radio. INT. JACK'S SHIP JACK: It's security-keyed to my molecular structure. I'm working on it, hang in there. He twists a few knobs on the controls on his spaceship. THE DOCTOR: How're you speaking to us? JACK: Om-Com. I can call anything with a speaker grille. INT. STOREROOM THE DOCTOR: Now there's a coincidence. JACK: What is? THE DOCTOR: The Child can Om-Com too. ROSE: It can? THE DOCTOR (nods): Anything with a speaker grille. Even the TARDIS phone. ROSE: What, you mean the Child can phone us? THE CHILD (through radio, singsong voice): And I can hear you. Coming to find you. Coming to fiiiiind you. JACK: Doctor, can you hear that? THE DOCTOR: Loud and clear. JACK: I'll try to block out the signal. Least I can do. THE CHILD: Coming to find you, mummy! INT. JACK'S SHIP JACK: Remember this one, Rose? He flicks a switch, and Glenn Miller's "Moonlight Serenade" plays through the radio. INT. STOREROOM Rose looks ever so slightly uncomfortable as the Doctor turns to look at her questioningly. ROSE (a little embarrassed): Our song. The Doctor nods, but it seems as though he doesn't like this. Rose shifts from foot to foot, smiling embarrassedly. EXT. CRASH SITE ENCLOSURE (OUTSIDE THE WIRE) Nancy approaches the bomb site, which has a sign on the fence surrounding it saying "KEEP OUT - RESTRICTED AREA". She hurries stealthily out of sight to where a hole in the fence has been mended quickly with barbed wire. She sets to work, cutting them loose with her wire cutters, all the while looking around nervously. INT. STOREROOM Rose shuffles around in the wheel chair, bored. The radio still plays "Moonlight Serenade". The buzzing of the sonic screwdriver in the background. Rose spins the wheel chair around in the Doctor's direction. ROSE: What you doing? THE DOCTOR (holding the sonic screwdriver up against the wall near the window): Trying to set up a resonation pattern in the concrete. Loosen the bars. ROSE: You don't think he's coming back, do ya? THE DOCTOR: Wouldn't bet my life. ROSE: Why don't you trust him? THE DOCTOR: Why do you? ROSE: Saved my life. Bloke-wise, that's up there with flossing. The Doctor does not answer. Rose looks at him for a moment. ROSE (CONT'D): I trust him 'cos he's like you. Except with dating and dancing. The Doctor shoots her a look. ROSE: What? THE DOCTOR: You just assume I'm... ROSE: What? THE DOCTOR (vulnerable): You just assume that I don't... dance. ROSE (grinning): What, are you telling me you do... dance? THE DOCTOR: Nine hundred years old, me. I've been around a bit. I think you can assume that at some point I've danced. Rose grins even more. ROSE: You?! THE DOCTOR: Problem? ROSE: Doesn't the universe implode or something if you... dance? THE DOCTOR (off-handed): Well, I've got the moves but I wouldn't want to boast. Rose, still grinning, stops shuffling around in her wheel chair and gets up to turn the music up. The Doctor looks around, completely wrong-footed. Rose walks slowly forward, flirtatiously. He looks determinedly back to the wall. Rose holds her hand out to him. ROSE: You've got the moves? The Doctor looks back at her. ROSE (CONT'D): Show me your moves. THE DOCTOR: Rose, I'm trying to resonate concrete. ROSE (not lowering his hand): Jack'll be back, he'll get us out. So come on, the world doesn't end 'cos the Doctor dances. The Doctor snaps off his sonic screwdriver, replaces it in his jacket pocket and steps away from the window towards her, an odd expression on his face. He stands in front of Rose for a moment. Where is this going to go? He takes her hands, Rose staring up at him almost apprehensively. He turns her hands over and looks at them. THE DOCTOR: Barrage balloon? ROSE (completely lost) ... What? THE DOCTOR (turning her hands over): You were hanging from a barrage balloon. ROSE (remembering): Oh... yeah. About two minutes after you left me. Thousands of feet above London, middle of a German air-raid, Union Jack all over my chest. The Doctor raises his eyebrows. THE DOCTOR: I've travelled with a lot of people, but you're setting new records for jeopardy-friendly. He goes back to examining her hands. ROSE: Is this you dancing? 'Cos I've got notes. THE DOCTOR: Hanging from a rope a thousand feet above London. Not a cut, not a bruise. He shows her her own hands. ROSE: Yeah, I know. Captain Jack fixed me up... THE DOCTOR: Oh, we're calling him Captain Jack now, are we? ROSE: Well, his name's Jack and he's a captain... THE DOCTOR (smiling in a self-satisfied sort of way): He's not really a captain, Rose. ROSE: D'you know what I think? I think you're experiencing Captain envy. The Doctor half nods, not denying this. He takes her hands and they begin to dance. ROSE (CONT'D): You'll find your feet at the end of your legs. You may care to move them. THE DOCTOR (now in rather intimate proximity): If ever he was a captain, he's been defrocked. ROSE (smiling): Yeah? Shame I missed that. JACK: Actually, I quit. Nobody takes my frock. INT. JACK'S SHIP They look up in surprise, and somehow, they are standing in Jack's ship. They look around at their surroundings, now standing apart. JACK: Most people notice when they've been teleported. You guys are so sweet. Sorry about the delay. I had to take the nav-com offline to override the teleport security. THE DOCTOR: You can spend ten minutes overriding your own protocols? Maybe you should remember whose ship it is. JACK: Oh, I do. She was gorgeous. Rose smiles. JACK (CONT'D): Like I told her, be back in five minutes. He ducks into a compartment underneath the console. THE DOCTOR (looking around): This is a Chula ship. JACK (calling up): Yeah, just like that medical transporter. Only, this one is dangerous. The Doctor snaps his fingers, and his hand is instantly surrounded by nanogenes. ROSE: They're what fixed my hands up! Jack called 'em, um... THE DOCTOR: Nanobots? Nanogenes. ROSE: Nanogenes, yeah. THE DOCTOR: Sub-atomic robots. There's millions of them in here, see? Burned my hand on the console when we landed - all better now. They activate when the bulk head's sealed. Check you out for damage, fix any physical flaws. Rose beams. The Doctor banishes the nanogenes with a wave of his hand and turns to Jack. THE DOCTOR: Take us to the crash site. I need to see your space junk. JACK (as though he's being nagged): As soon as I get the nav-com back online. The Doctor looks mildly annoyed. JACK (CONT'D): Make yourself comfortable. Carry on with whatever it was you were... (Gestures the two of them)... doing. THE DOCTOR (innocently): We were talking about dancing! JACK: It didn't look like talking. ROSE: Didn't feel like dancing. The Doctor looks at her, rather naively. EXT. THE CRASH SITE ENCLOSURE Nancy creeps onto the bomb site, making an effort not to be seen. She ducks behind a tent - but the flood lights suddenly flash on, filling the entire site with light. She is caught. ALGY: Halt! Don't move! The soldiers are pointing their guns at her. There is no escape route. INT. JACK'S SHIP Rose is sitting talking to Jack. Jack is in the pilot seat - the Doctor is sitting some way behind Rose, not taking part in the conversation. ROSE: So, you used to be a Time Agent, now you're trying to con them? JACK (fiddling with the controls) : If it makes me sound any better, it's not for the money. ROSE: For what? JACK: Woke up one day when I was working for them , ound they'd stolen two years of my memories. I'd like them back. ROSE: They stole your memories? JACK: Two years of my life. No idea what I did. The Doctor watches him. JACK (CONT'D): Your friend over there doesn't trust me. And for all I know... he's right not to. The computer bleeps. JACK (CONT'D): Okay, we're good to go. The Doctor looks up. JACK (CONT'D): Crash site? INT. SHED The door to a shed opens, and Agly enters with Nancy and another soldier. Another soldier - Jenkins, gets to his feet. ALGY: As you were. Feeling any better? JENKINS (feverishly): Just a turn, sir. ALGY (to the soldier): Chain her up where Jenkins can keep an eye on her. The soldier leads Nancy to a chair next to the table, sits her down, and starts to handcuff her to the table. NANCY: No. Not in here. Not with him. There is a scar on the back of Jenkins' hand. ALGY: You shouldn't have broken in here if you didn't want to stay. NANCY (urgently): You don't understand. Not with him. ALGY: This is a restricted area, miss. Jenkins looks at Nancy, clearly in discomfort. Nancy looks back, almost revolted. ALGY (CONT'D): You're going to have to stay here for a bit. We're going to have to ask you a few questions. Nancy does not take her eyes off the trembling Jenkins. The soldier shows Algy Nancy's wire cutters. SOLDIER: Found these, sir. ALGY (taking and examining them): Very professional... little bit too professional. Didn't just drop in by accident then, did you? NANCY: My little brother died here. I wanted to find out what killed him. ALGY (to the soldiers at the door): Take the men, check the fence for any other breaches and search the area. She may not have come alone. SOLIDER: Yes, sir. They leave. Algy makes to follow them. NANCY (scared, pleading): Please! Listen, you can't leave me here. ALGY: Watch her, Jenkins. JENKINS: Yes, mummy. Algy has turned to the door but does a double-take. ALGY: Jenkins! ALGY (rubs his sweating forehead, in severe discomfort): Sorry, sir, I... I don't know what's the matter with me. NANCY (staring at Jenkins): Look... lock me up, fine. But not here. Please, anywhere but here! Algy, not knowing quite what to make of this strange situation, shakes his head and leaves. JENKINS: You'll be alright, miss. I'm just a little... Nancy shakes her handcuffs, trying to free herself. JENKINS (CONT'D): Just a little... just a little... She shakes the handcuffs more persistently. He pants heavily. JENKINS (CONT'D): What's the matter with you? NANCY: Please, let me go. JENKINS: Why would I do that? NANCY: 'Cos you've got a scar on the back of your hand. JENKINS: Well, yes. But I don't see what that's got to do with anything. NANCY: And you feel like you're gonna be sick, like something's forcing its way up your throat. Jenkins stares at her, still heaving. Nancy speaks desperately. NANCY: I know because I've seen it before. JENKINS (scared): What's happening to me? NANCY: In a minute, you won't be you anymore. You won't even remember you. And unless you let me go, it's gonna happen to me too. Please. JENKINS: What're you talking about? NANCY: What's your mother's name? JENKINS (clasping his throat): Matilda. NANCY: You got a wife? JENKINS (red in the face): Yes. NANCY: Wife's name? He stares at her, blank. NANCY (CONT'D): You got kids? Nothing. He's horrified. NANCY (CONT'D): What's your name? He mouths "I don't know", not being able to speak anymore. NANCY: Please. Let me go. It's too late for you, I'm sorry. But please, let me go. She is now almost crying with panic and desperation. JENKINS: What d'you meeee...: (face contorted horrible, in a lot of pain). M... muuummee.... His jaw is forced open, as though something is about to emerge. Nancy screws up her eyes and looks away as he wails. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WASTE-GROUND/OUTSIDE THE CRASH SITE The Doctor, Rose and Jack walk over the rail station near the bombsite. They peer over the barbed wire. JACK: There it is. (Spots Algy pacing up and down). Ay, they've got Algy on duty. Must be important. THE DOCTOR: We've gotta get past. ROSE: The words 'distract the guard' head in my general direction. JACK: I don't think that'd be such a good idea. ROSE: Don't worry... I can handle it. JACK: I've got to know Algy quite well since I've been in town. Trust me. You're not his type. I'll distract him. (Walks away). Don't wait up. And off he goes. Rose and the Doctor look at each other. THE DOCTOR: Relax, he's a 51st century guy. He's just a bit more flexible when it comes to dancing. ROSE: How flexible? THE DOCTOR: Well, by his time, you lot have spread out across half the galaxy. ROSE: Meaning? THE DOCTOR (grinning): So many species, so little time... ROSE: What, that's what we do when we get out there? That's our mission? We seek new life, and... and... THE DOCTOR: Dance. He sniggers. Jack jumps down onto the rail track on the bomb site, where Algy is pacing. JACK: Hey, tiger! How's it hanging? Algy turns to Jack. He looks inquisitive. ALGY: Mummy? JACK: Algy, old sport, it's me. ALGY: Mummy? JACK (smile fading): It's me, Jack. ALGY: Jack? (Cocks his head to one side, observing Jack with child-like curiosity). Are you my... mummy? And he coughs, falling to his knees. Before the very eyes of Jack, Rose and the Doctor, his face transforms into a gas mask. Jack is horror-struck. The other soldiers begin to hurry over. THE DOCTOR: Stay back! JACK: You men! Stay away! Rose and the Doctor rush over to Jack, and Algy - who is lying on the floor, lifeless. Rose stares down at him in shock. THE DOCTOR: The effect's become air-borne. Accelerating. ROSE: What's keeping us safe? THE DOCTOR: Nothing. The air-raid siren sounds. JACK (looking up): Ah, here they come again. ROSE: All we need. Didn't you say a bomb was gonna land... Here ? Jack nods. Someone in the background is singing. THE DOCTOR: Never mind about that. If the contaminants air-borne now, there's hours left. JACK: For what? THE DOCTOR: 'Til nothing. 'Til forever. For the entire human race. And can anyone else hear singing? It's coming from the shed in which Nancy has been locked up. INT. SHED NANCY: " Rock-a-by baby, on the tree tops, when the wind blows the cradle will rock... " Jenkins, with a gasmask face, is fast asleep with his head on the table. NANCY (CONT'D): " When the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all ". The door creaks open. Nancy turns her head sharply to see the Doctor poke his head into the shed. He motions for her to continue singing. NANCY (CONT'D): " Rock-a-by baby... ". (Draws the Doctor's attention to her handcuffs) " ... on the tree tops, when the wind blows the cradle will rock... " The Doctor approaches her, taking his sonic screwdriver out of his jacket pocket. He flicks it on and begins to unlock her handcuffs. Rose and Jack appear in the doorway. The handcuffs snap open, Nancy stands, and they all leave the shed, leaving Jenkins fast asleep. INT. CRASH SITE ENCLOSURE (INSIDE THE WIRE) They go back to the bomb site, and the Doctor and Jack uncover the Chula med-ship, which has a tarpaulin over it, hiding it from view. Nancy and Rose watch. JACK: You see? Just an ambulance. NANCY: That's an ambulance? ROSE (with a reassuring arm around Nancy): It's hard to explain, it's... it's from another world. JACK (looking at the controls): They've been trying to get in. THE DOCTOR: Of course they have. Jack begins to enter the code. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): They think they've got their hands on Hitler's latest secret weapon. What're you doing? JACK: Well, the sooner you see this thing is empty, the sooner you'll see I had nothing to do with it. The controls explode with sparks, and they all jump backwards. An alarm goes off. JACK (CONT'D): Didn't happen last time. THE DOCTOR: It hadn't crashed last time. They're the emergency protocols. ROSE: Doctor, what is that? A red light on the control panel flashes. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR The Child is standing alone in the hospital corridor. THE CHILD: Mummy? INT. HOSPITAL WARD All the gasmask people inside the hospital climb slowly from their beds. As one, they make for the exits. EXT. CRASH SITE ENCLOSURE (INSIDE THE WIRE) ROSE: Doctor! The gates at the other side of the bomb site are shaking. THE DOCTOR: Captain, secure those gates! JACK: Why? THE DOCTOR: Just do it! Jack obeys. The Doctor turns to Nancy. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Nancy, how'd you get in here? NANCY: I cut the wire. THE DOCTOR: Show Rose. (Tosses his sonic screwdriver to Rose). Setting two thousand four hundred and twenty eight D. ROSE: What?? THE DOCTOR: Reattaches barbed wire. Go! Jack slams a gate shut. EXT. HOSPITAL The gasmask people emerge from the hospital doors, marching as one, calling for mummy. EXT. CRASH SITE ENCLOSURE (INSIDE THE WIRE) The sonic screwdriver buzzes as Rose works on the wire, reattaching it. Nancy holds the two ends together as she fuses them. They finish one, start on another. NANCY: Who are you? Who are any of you? ROSE: You'd never believe me if I told ya. NANCY: You just told me that was an ambulance from another world. There are people running around with gas-mask heads calling for their mummies, and the sky's full of Germans dropping bombs on me. Tell me. Do you think there's anything left I couldn't believe? Rose looks at her, getting the point. ROSE: We're time travellers from the future. NANCY: Mad, you are. ROSE: We have a time travel machine, seriously! NANCY: It's not that. All right, you've got a time travel machine. I believe ya. Believe anything, me. (Looks up at the sky). But what future? Explosions in mid-air. Planes soar around, dropping bombs. ROSE (having followed her gaze): Nancy, this isn't the end. I know how it looks. But it's not the end of the world or anything... NANCY: How can you say that?? Look at it. ROSE: Listen to me. I was born in this city. I'm from here, in like, 50 years time. NANCY: From here? ROSE (smiling encouragingly): I'm a Londoner. From your future. NANCY: But... but you're not... ROSE: What? NANCY: German. ROSE: Nancy, the Germans don't come here. They don't win. Nancy furrows her brow. ROSE (CONT'D): Don't tell anyone I told you so, but do you know what? You win. NANCY: We win? Rose nods, smiling. Nancy half laughs, finding this unbelievably good news. ROSE: Come on! They jump to their feet and head back to the Doctor and Jack. EXT. CRASH SITE ENCLOSURE (INSIDE THE WIRE) Jack opens the hatch of the med-ship. JACK (to the Doctor): It's empty. Look at it. Rose and Nancy join them. THE DOCTOR: What do you expect in a Chula medical transporter? Bandages? Cough drops? Rose? ROSE: I dunno. THE DOCTOR: Yes, you do. He mimes summoning the nanogenes. ROSE: Nanogenes! THE DOCTOR (to Jack): It wasn't empty, Captain. There was enough nanogenes in there to rebuild a species. JACK (ashen, shaken, he gets it): Oh, God. THE DOCTOR: Getting it now, are we? When the ship crashes, the nanogenes escape. Billions upon billions of them, ready to fix all the cuts and bruises in the whole world. But what they find first is a dead child, probably killed earlier that night and wearing a gasmask. ROSE: And they brought him back to life? They can do that? THE DOCTOR: What's life? Life's easy. A quirk of matter. Nature's way of keeping meat fresh. Nothing to a nanogene. One problem, though, these nanogenes, they're not like the ones on your ship. This lot have never seen a human being before. Don't know what a human being's supposed to look like. Jack, Rose and Nancy are listening to him intently, processing this. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): All they've got to go on is one little body, and there's not a lot left. But they carry right on. They do what they're programmed to do, they patch it up. Can't tell what's gasmask and what's skull, but they do their best. Then off they fly - off they go, work to be done. 'Cos you see now they think they know what people should look like and it's time to fix all the rest. And they won't ever stop. They won't ever, ever stop. The entire Human Race is gonna be torn down and rebuilt in the form of one terrified child looking for its mother, and nothing in the world can stop it! His voice has risen almost to a shout. Jack is abashed, shaken. JACK (defiantly): I didn't know. The Doctor fixes him with a cold stare for a few seconds, and then goes back to examining the med-ship, starting work with his sonic screwdriver Nancy stares into the distance, beyond the fence. The gasmask people have arrived, still calling mummy. NANCY (scared): Rose? Rose rushes to Nancy's side, following her gaze. The gasmask people stumble towards them over the rail-track. They are quite a distance away, but still too close. Rose rushes back to the med-ship, and looks again at the flashing red light on the control panel. ROSE (to the Doctor): It's bringing the gasmask people here, isn't it? THE DOCTOR: The ship thinks it's under attack. It's calling up the troops. Standard protocol. ROSE: But... the gasmask people aren't troops... THE DOCTOR: They are now. This is a battle-field ambulance. The nanogenes don't just fix you up, they get you ready for the front line. Equip you, programme you. ROSE: That's why the Child's so strong. Why it could do that phoning thing. THE DOCTOR: It's a fully equipped Chula warrior, yes. All that weapons tech in the hands of a hysterical four year old, looking for his mummy. And now there's an army of them. The gasmask people surround the fence. The four of them look around nervously. JACK: Why don't they attack? THE DOCTOR: Good little soldiers. Waiting for their commander. JACK: The child? NANCY: Jamie. JACK: What? NANCY (glaring at him): Not "the child". Jamie. The Doctor looks at her. ROSE: So, how long until the bomb falls? JACK: Any second. THE DOCTOR: What's the matter, Captain? Bit close to the volcano for you? NANCY: He's just a little boy. THE DOCTOR: I know. NANCY (upset): He's just a little boy who wants his mummy. THE DOCTOR: I know. There isn't a little boy born who wouldn't tear the world apart to save his mummy. And this little boy can. ROSE (loudly): So what're we gonna do? THE DOCTOR: I don't know. Rose sighs. Tears whell in Nancy's eyes. NANCY: It's my fault. THE DOCTOR: No. NANCY: It is. It's all my fault. THE DOCTOR (gently): How can it be your... He suddenly breaks off. He spins around, looking at all the gasmask people positioned behind the fence, calling for their mummy, and then back at Nancy, who is sobbing uncontrollably. He stares at her. THE DOCTOR: Nancy, what age are you? Twenty? Twenty-one? Older than you look, yes? A bomb lands nearby. Rose and Jack flinch. JACK: Doctor, that bomb. We've got seconds. Another lands. ROSE (to Jack): You can teleport us out. The Doctor is paying them no attention, eyes fixed on the sobbing Nancy. JACK: Not you guys. The nav-com's back online. Gonna take too long to override the protocols. THE DOCTOR (eyes fixed on Nancy): So it's volcano day. Do what you've got to do. ROSE (staring at Jack, betrayed): Jack? Jack looks at her almost apologetically. He makes his decision and teleports himself out. THE DOCTOR (to Nancy): How old were you five years ago? Fifteen? Sixteen? Old enough to give birth, anyway. Nancy, still sobbing, glances up at him and then away again, shame faced. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): He's not your brother, is he? Nancy shakes her head, tearful. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): A teenage single mother in 1941. So you hid. You lied. Nancy nods, tears streaming down her face. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You even lied to him. The gates swing open. The Child stands at the forefront of an army of gasmask people, ready to charge. THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? THE DOCTOR: He's gonna keep asking, Nancy. He's never gonna stop. Tell him. No answer. The gasmask people begin to walk forward. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Nancy... the future of the human race is in your hands. Trust me... and tell him. Nancy sniffs, still tearful. The Child approaches them. THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? The Doctor gives Nancy a gentle push in the direction of the Child. THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? Are you my mummy? NANCY (whispers): Yes. (Stronger). Yes. I AM your mummy. She faces him. The Child walks slowly forward. THE CHILD: Mummy? NANCY: I'm here. THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? NANCY (kneeling before him): I'm here. THE CHILD: Are you my mummy? NANCY (whispers): Yes. THE DOCTOR (to Rose): He doesn't understand. There's not enough of him left. Nancy looks at her little boy. NANCY (tearful, sincere): I am your mummy. I will always be your mummy. I'm so sorry. And she takes him into her arms, no longer caring what will happen. The nanogenes surround them, making them glow with a golden light. NANCY (CONT'D): I am so, so sorry. ROSE (to the Doctor): What's happening? Nancy, still hugging her little boy, has her eyes closed and is stroking his hair. ROSE (CONT'D): Doctor, it's changing her, we should... THE DOCTOR (holding an arm out to silence her): Shh! He stares intently at the two of them surrounded by the nanogenes, apprehensive and excited. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Come on, please. Come on, you clever little nanogenes, figure it out! The mother. She's the mother! There's gotta be enough information, figure it out! ROSE: What's happening? THE DOCTOR (pointing): See? Recognizing the same DNA. Nancy falls away from the child to the ground, as the nanogenes disappear. The Doctor and Rose rush over, the Doctor staring down at the child, hardly daring to hope. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh, come on. Give me a day like this. Give me this one. He reaches out to the gasmask... and removes it, revealing a perfectly ordinary, very sweet little boy underneath. Nancy stares in delighted wonder and the Doctor laughs ecstatically. He lifts the little boy into the air, swinging him around. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Ah-ha-ha! Welcome back! Twenty years 'til pop music, you're gonna love it. And he hugs Jamie, laughing. NANCY (in wonder): What happened? THE DOCTOR: The nanogenes recognised the superior information, the parent DNA. They didn't change you because you changed them! Haha! (Plonks Jamie down in front of her). Mother knows best! NANCY (almost crying with happiness): Jamie...! A bomb lands nearby. ROSE: Doctor, that bomb... THE DOCTOR: Taken care of it. ROSE: How? THE DOCTOR (gesturing Nancy and Jamie): Psychology! The bomb plummets towards them... and is suddenly snatched out of the air by a blue forcefield. A moment later, Jack appears hovering in the tunnel of light. He calls down to them. JACK: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: Good lad! JACK: The bomb's already commenced detonation. I've put it in stasis but it won't last long. THE DOCTOR: Change of plan, don't need the bomb. Can you get rid of it? Safely as you can? JACK: Rose? ROSE: Yeah? JACK: Goodbye. And he disappears. Rose looks slightly let down, and then he reappears. JACK (CONT'D): By the way, love the tee-shirt. He grins. Rose returns the grin, pulling the tee-shirt down embarrassedly. Jack disappears again. His ship zooms off into the night sky. The Doctor walks a few paces away, staring intently at his hands. He summons the nanogenes. They flutter around his hands. ROSE: What're you doing? THE DOCTOR: Software patch. Gonna email the upgrade. You want moves, Rose? I'll give you moves. And he throws the nanogenes away from him, towards the gasmask people who are still milling around on the train track. The Doctor gives his widest grin as the gasmask people fall to the floor, the nanogenes surrounding them. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (ecstatic) : Everybody lives, Rose. Just this once. Everybody lives! And the gasmask people get to their feet, except they are no longer gasmask people. They are restored to normal human beings. The Doctor bounds over to Doctor Constantine. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Doctor Constantine. Who never left his patients. Back on your feet, constant doctor! World doesn't wanna get by without you just yet, and I don't blame it one bit. (Gestures the former gasmask people milling around). These are your patients. All better, now! DR CONSTANTINE (completely confused): Yes, yes... so it seems. They also seem to be standing around in a disused railway station. Is there any particular reason for that? THE DOCTOR (beaming): Yeah, well, you know, cutbacks. Listen, whatever was wrong with them in the past, you're probably gonna find that they're cured. Just tell them what a great doctor you are. Don't make a big thing of it. Okay? And he rushes back to Rose. An old lady, Mrs Harcourt, hobbles towards Constantine. MRS HARCOURT: Doctor Constantine. DR CONSTANTINE: Mrs Harcourt, how much better you are looking! MRS HARCOURT (bewildered): My leg's grown back! When I come to the hospital, I had one leg. DR CONSTANTINE (observing this): Well, there is a war on. Is it possible you miscounted? THE DOCTOR (calling over them from on top of the Chula med-ship): Right, you lot! Lots to do! Beat the Germans, save the world, don't forget the Welfare State! Constantine smiles. He and his patients begin to walk away, and the Doctor bends down to the control. He speaks to Rose. THE DOCTOR: Setting this to self-destruct, soon as everybody's clear. History says there was an explosion here. Who am I to argue with history? ROSE: Usually the first in line. The Doctor looks at her and grins. She grins back. INT. TARDIS The Doctor and Rose enter the TARDIS, the Doctor still chatting away happily. THE DOCTOR: The nanogenes will clean up the mess and switch themselves off, because I just told them to. Nancy and Jamie will go to Doctor Constantine for help, ditto - all in all, all things considered, fantastic! Rose smiles at his enthusiasm. ROSE: Look at you, beaming away like you're Father Christmas! THE DOCTOR: Who says I'm not, red-bicycle-when-you-were-twelve? ROSE (startled): What?! THE DOCTOR (arms wide to embrace this): And everybody lives, Rose! Everybody lives! (Pings a switch on the console). I need more days like this. ROSE: Doctor... THE DOCTOR: Go on, ask me anything. I'm on fire! ROSE: What about Jack? The Doctor's smile fades, and he carries on working, as though he doesn't want to answer this. ROSE (CONT'D): Why'd he say goodbye? No answer. The Doctor stares intently at the console. EXT. SPACE Jack's spaceship soars through space. INT. JACK'S SHIP Jack clambers into the pilot seat. JACK: Okay, computer, how long can we keep the bomb in stasis? COMPUTER: Stasis decaying at ninety percent per cycle. Detonation in three minutes. JACK: Can we jettison it? COMPUTER: Any attempt to jettison the device will precipitate detonation. One hundred percent probability. Jack closes his eyes for a second. JACK: We could stick it in an escape pod. COMPUTER: There is no escape pod on board. JACK: I see the flaw in that. I'll get in the escape pod! COMPUTER: There is no escape pod on board. JACK (voice rising): Did you check everywhere? COMPUTER: Affirmative. JACK (yells): Under the sink! COMPUTER: Affirmative. Jack nods, beginning to acknowledge his situation. JACK: Okay. Out of one hundred... exactly how dead am I? COMPUTER: Termination of Captain Jack Harkness in under two minutes. One hundred percent probability. Jack sighs. JACK: Lovely. Thanks. Good to know the numbers. EXT. SPACE The ship drifts along. COMPUTER (voice-over): You're welcome. JACK (voice-over): Okay then. INT. JACK'S SHIP JACK: Think we'd better initiate emergency protocol four-one-seven. COMPUTER: Affirmative. And a drink appears on Jack's dashboard. He reaches out to take it, smiling. He sips it. JACK: Oo, a little too much vermouth. See if I come here again! (Laughs). Funny thing... last time I was sentenced to death, I ordered four hyper-vodkas for my breakfast. All a bit of a blur after that. Woke up in bed with both my executioners. Hmm, lovely couple. They stayed in touch! (Ponders this). Can't say that about most executioners. (Laughs again). Anyway. Thanks for everything, computer. It's been great. We pull back and back. The bomb ticks away... "Moonlight Serenade" in the background... continue to pull back, right through the doors of the TARDIS. Jack spins around. Rose and the Doctor seem to be in a rather awkward position inside. ROSE (calling to Jack): Well, hurry up then! Jack leaps to his feet and dashes into the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS Rose and the Doctor are waltzing around to "Moonlight Serenade". Rose is teaching the Doctor dances moves, making okaying noises as they dance. Jack looks around at the sheer size of the place, compared with the outside. ROSE: Right, and turn... He spins her around, getting her arm all twisted. ROSE (CONT'D): Okay, okay, try and spin me again, but this time, don't get my arm up my back! The Doctor looks sheepish. ROSE (CONT'D): No extra points for a half-nelson. THE DOCTOR (rather put out): I'm sure I used to know this stuff. (To Jack): Close the door, will you. Your ship's about to blow up, there's gonna be a draft. Rose grins and leans against one of the pillars. The Doctor flicks a switch and the engines start up. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Welcome to the TARDIS. JACK: Much bigger on the inside... THE DOCTOR: You'd better be. ROSE: I think what the Doctor's trying to say is... you may cut in. They grin and she takes his hand, as if to dance with him. THE DOCTOR: Rose! I've just remembered! ROSE: What? And "In The Mood" blares out of the speakers, wherever they are. Lights flash all around the room, and the Doctor moves towards Rose in time to the music, clicking his fingers. THE DOCTOR: I can dance! ROSE: Actually, Doctor... I thought Jack might like this dance. THE DOCTOR (unfazed): I'm sure he would, Rose. I'm absolutely certain. But who with? Rose sniggers and hops up the steps to take the Doctor's hands. It's almost as though he was only pretending he couldn't dance before. He spins her perfectly. Jack watches them with a big smile on his face as they dance around the console room, perfect partners. The Doctor suddenly throws her backwards over his arm, earning a whoop of delight from Rose. Jack averts his eyes, still smiling. Rose pulls herself up, and sags onto his shoulder, giggling.

Plan: A: Jack; Q: Who sent the metal object through the time vortex? A: German; Q: What nationality is the bomb? A: a perfectly safe and "empty" old medical transport; Q: What does Jack claim the metal object is? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is suspicious of the metal object? A: the site; Q: Where is the transport held? A: wounds; Q: What did the nanogenes attempt to heal? A: all humans; Q: Who did the nanogenes think should have gas masks? A: Nancy's DNA; Q: What did the nanogenes identify as Jamie's mother? A: Jamie's transformation; Q: What is the name of the child? A: Rose; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion? A: the TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor invite Jack onto? Summary: Jack explains that he sent the metal object through the time vortex to attract "Time Agents" to this time period, where he would have them pay for the object, but before they could receive it, a German bomb would fall on it. Jack claims that it is a perfectly safe and "empty" old medical transport, but the Doctor is suspicious. At the site where the transport is held, the Doctor realises that it once contained nanogenes that are able to heal wounds, and deduces that the nanogenes attempted to heal Jamie, but thought that all humans should have similar injuries and gas masks. Nancy claims it is all her fault as she is actually Jamie's mother, which she admits in front of the child. As they hug, the nanogenes identify Nancy's DNA as being his mother's and reverse Jamie's transformation so that they resemble each other; the rest is done to all the others who had been converted. Jack captures the bomb that would have fallen on the site and the Doctor and Rose rescue him before it explodes, inviting him on the TARDIS.

Erin: [phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up-- gets back. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch? Pam: [whispering] I can do it. Dwight: [whispering] What do you need from me? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs heartily] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [silently counting] Three, two, one... [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly] Michael: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny? Pam: You had to be there. Michael: Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: See you later! Dwight: Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this? Pam: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right? Jim: Yeah. Pam: Okay. Jim: Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics. Jim: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic? Pam: Tell them what happened last year. Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt. Pam: No, no, that guy who hit on me. Jim: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance. Pam: Yeah, you don't grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance. Jim: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I'm gonna say 30. Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF. Dwight: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent. Rolph: Woah. Homemade? Dwight: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Michael, isn't that Holly? Michael: We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know. Holly: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here. Michael: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right. Holly: All right. Michael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey. Holly: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend? Michael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people. AJ: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless. Holly: Lemonade sounds great. Michael: Okay. AJ: I'd love an iced tea, actually. Michael: You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one[/b]: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates. [SCENE_BREAK] Charles: Jim. Pam. Jim: Hey, how are you? Pam: Hey Charles. Charles: Nice day, huh? Jim: Yeah. Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away] Jim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore. Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you? Jim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right? Jim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards. Dwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row! Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row? Dwight: Why? I don't understand. Andy: If- Dwight: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it. Andy: Uh... [laughs sheepishly] Dwight: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team. Andy: That's... Dwight: Sly dog. Andy: ... not what I meant. Dwight: Come on, folks! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What is up with you two, Holly? Holly: Um, not much. AJ: We're designing a house. Michael: Cool. For who? AJ: For us. Michael: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported. Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs] AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist. Michael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse. Holly: Okay, yeah. AJ: You guys are really gonna do this? Michael: You bet your fat ass we are. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin. Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again. Michael: That's right. Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Michael: Newspapers for sale! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger. Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass. Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way. Erin: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses] Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on! Andy: Are you blind?! Dwight: I could've gotten that, idiot! Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?! Dwight: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?! Phyllis: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this. Dwight: [grunts in frustration] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net. Woman: So what? Dwight: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone? Pam: Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win! Jim: Nice job, Beesly. Dwight: Yes! We advance to the next round! Phyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven. Stanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry. Holly: Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm? Michael: [watching her eat] What? Holly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or... Michael: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool? Holly: Crystal cool. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [playing volleyball] Hit it Andy! Andy: Bump! I bumped it! Kevin: Set! Dwight: Don't set it to yourself! Kevin: [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah! Phyllis: Ow, my ankle! Dwight: What happened? Phyllis: I... twisted it. Dwight: You weren't even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub! Angela: I can play. Rolph: Is there a... Meredith here? Meredith: Yeah! Man in! Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me? Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We could do a movie... sort of thing. Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future. Michael: Oh! Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh] Michael: Could we get a Delorean? Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community. Michael: Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der... Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der... Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh] Holly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet. Michael: No. No. Holly: Oh. Michael: We're circling it. Holly: Hmm... [SCENE_BREAK] David: [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though! Charles: Yes we are! Rolph: You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces! Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval] Rolph: It's true! Toby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall. Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious. Toby: Really, really funny. Kendall: Really funny. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug] Oscar: Settle down gentlemen. Pam: Good game! [SCENE_BREAK] David: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song. Michael: [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now. David: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause] Michael: And now, presenting... Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter] Michael: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs] Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire? Michael: Yes, I am. Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth? Michael: Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College. Holly: That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael] Michael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!! Holly: [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you'll get in? Michael: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in. Holly: I'm Robert Dunder. Michael: I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs] Holly: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth! Michael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head. Holly: That is correct! Michael: Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush! Michael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer! Holly: That is correct! Man from Buffalo: [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about? Holly: [pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?! Michael: David Wallace told me!! Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true? David: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today... Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David? Holly: They didn't know? Michael: [whispers] I guess not. David: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch. Woman from Buffalo: And? David: We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch. Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. [Michael and Holly bow] [SCENE_BREAK] David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic? Michael: Well... I didn't know they didn't know. David: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny." Michael: Thank you. David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?" Michael: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances. Dwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever. Pam: How do you figure? Dwight: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins. Oscar: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked. Pam: Let's do this. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers] Charles: Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I've been up for a while. Kevin: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin] Angela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you? Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you[/b]: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer[/b]: one whore. Dwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph. Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions- Dwight: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely- Rolph: No way! You don't mean that! Dwight: Rolph, leave it alone! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [running for the ball] I got it! Dwight: Pam! Pam: [falls] Oof! Jim: You all right? Pam: Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine. Jim: You sure? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Hey, easy, easy... Charles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at. Pam: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second. Charles: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David? David: Yeah. Jim: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player. Charles: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health. Jim: No, uh- Pam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go! Charles: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot. Dwight: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em. Charles: I guess that's it for you, Jim. Jim: All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let's do this. Pam: We'll be back! Dwight: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I'll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo. Holly: Hindsight. Michael: Should've had hindsight. Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing? Michael: I think it went well. I think it was good. Holly: There weren't any laughs. Michael: No, it was a tough audience. Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience. Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them. Holly: Well, I'm glad we did it. Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch. Holly: I can't wait. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something! Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray. Pam: How long will that take? Nurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant... Pam: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to. Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to." [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: What'd you think? AJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but... Michael: Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch. Holly: [laughs] Okay. So good to see you. Michael: Good to see you. [they hug] AJ. AJ: Michael. [they shake hands] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs. Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay? Dwight: Okay. Fine. Charles: All right! Come on. Dwight: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four? Andy: Dwight. Dwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six? David: Dwight. Dwight: Seven? Can I finish please? David: Okay. Dwight: Eight? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]

Plan: A: the annual Dunder Mifflin company picnic; Q: What event do Michael and Holly reunite at? A: Michael; Q: Who is reunited with Holly? A: a skit; Q: What do Michael and Holly perform? A: Buffalo; Q: What branch did Michael and Holly announce was closing? A: The Scranton branch; Q: Which branch of Dunder Mifflin played well in the volleyball tournament? A: Pam; Q: Who is a pro at volleyball? A: a sprained ankle; Q: What does Pam get an x-ray for? A: Jim; Q: Who is with Pam when she learns she is pregnant? Summary: At the annual Dunder Mifflin company picnic, Michael and Holly are reunited. They perform a skit where they inappropriately announce the closing of the Buffalo branch, but Michael decides not to tell her that he loves her. The Scranton branch plays well in the volleyball tournament and discover that Pam is a pro at the sport. While getting an x-ray for a sprained ankle, Pam (with Jim) learns that she is pregnant.

Kelly: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement. Erin: Oh my gosh! Phyllis: Wow. Kelly: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground] Meredith: Sweet! Free Ring! Andy: Divorced? Ryan: Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides. Kelly: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama. Pam: Wait. Can you back up? What's the story? Kelly: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot. Ryan: It's not irrelevant. Details Kelly: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said... Ryan and Kelly: I don't think I should be married to you anymore. Kevin: What? Andy: Sorry, when did you get married? Kelly: Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right. Andy: And you didn't invite any of us? Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time. Kelly: God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake. Ryan: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married. Oscar: You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married. Ryan: No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can! Kelly: Ryan, I changed my mind. Ryan: Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side? Kelly: And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right. Bye. Pam: Bye. Jim: Let's Go! Michael: Just a minute. How long do we have to wait? Holly: For what? Michael: You broke up with AJ weeks ago. Holly: Don't you have a sales call to go on? Michael: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now? Holly: We don't know that. Michael: Sure we do. Holly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together? Michael: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody. Holly: Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that. Michael: Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree. Holly: Well you don't have to agree. Michael: Yes I do. Holly: No you don't. Michael: Yes I do. Holly: No, you can have your own opinion. Michael: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you. Jim: He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with. Pam: Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny "Jim" game. Jim: That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today? Pam: All right, what'd you do? Jim: Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art. Pam: Where'd you put it? Jim: Where'd I put what? Michael: Let's go. Jim: Oh, sorry gotta go. Pam: Say it. Where? Jim: Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer. Pam: The fridge. Jim: Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance. Pam: The fridge, got it. Jim: And the final clue... Michael: Let's go! Jim: You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine. Pam: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Cheer up. We made a sale. Michael: Just drive faster. I want to get back. Jim: Well, I'm going the speed limit. So... Michael: Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit. Jim: Someone's in a bad mood. Michael: No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is s*x different after the baby, Jim? Jim: Alright, let me turn on some music. Michael: I need to pee. Jim: No you don't. Michael: Yeah, I do. My word against yours. Jim: Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes. Michael: What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car. Jim: Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over. Michael: Well I hope I make it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hello? Helen: Hi Jim, it's Helen. Jim: Hey Helen. Is everything ok? Helen: Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about. Jim: Ok... Helen: A tiny thing. I locked her in the car. Jim: What? Helen: She's smiling. She's happy. Jim: Oh my God. Helen: Jim, I don't have a spare key. Jim: Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please? Guy: [towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: This is Pam. Jim: Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok. Pam: What's wrong? Jim: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you? Pam: Jim, what? Jim: Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car. Pam: Oh God! What?! Jim: No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra. Pam: Ok. She's ok? Jim: Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet. Pam: Understood. Jim: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me. Pam: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a "Ask Pam Beasley". ... Did the phone cut off? Jim: Nope. Pam: Alright, just call me after the doctor. Jim: Ok. Bye. Pam: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted. Attendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away. Michael: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please! Attendant: Just make it quick. Michael: Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it? Attendant: You don't know it. Michael: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number. Attendant: He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: It's the gas station on Benet Street? Pam: Yeah. Holly: Ok. Erin: You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go? Holly: Oh no no no. I'll be fine. Erin: It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along. Dwight: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good. Oscar: Which on in particular? Andy: Yeah, which one? Pam: Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!" Andy: Boo-yea! [office laughs] Gabe: No no. No no no. Pam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line. Oscar: You suppose? Darryl: What's it say? Oscar: "I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again." Gabe: Ok. [office laughs] No no no. Kevin: Red gloves. Darrly: Keep it real. Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging. Darryl: And I will take you all down. Andy: You? Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason[/b]: me. Andy: Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton. Pam: Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes. Andy: Woo-hoo. Kevin: I can't wait. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type[/b]: marsupial. Erin: He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox. Attendant: Yeah, he just left. Holly: Which way did he go? Dwight: Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way. Holly: Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it? Attendant: She's right. He went that way. Dwight: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Dwight: Has Michael checked in? Pam: Oh, hey Dwight. Dwight: I asked you a question. Pam: No, he hasn't. Dwight: Goodbye. Pam: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought... Dwight: Pam, this isn't a shopping trip. Erin: No. Dwight: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission. Pam: Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out... Dwight: Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up. Pam: Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... [phone hangs up] Dwight: No word from Michael. Holly: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Ta-da! Kevin: Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island. Oscar: Ok. I got one. Pam: Yeah? Oscar: Yes! Gabe: Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down. Office: Boo! Meredith: Why? Gabe: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed. Darryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game. Gabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for. Oscar: Irony is such a critical... Gabe: Number two[/b]: no pop culture references. Pam: Seriously? Oscar: Wow. Gabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other. Darryl: Wrap it up, Gabe. Gabe: Ok final thing, and this is a fun one[/b]: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Go get 'em. Start quipin'. Oscar: Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM. Pam: Oh! Ok. Darryl: Send me one too. Andy: Yeah, yeah. Put me on that. Phyllis: C.C Kevin: Ditto. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog. Hot Dog Guy: I'm not a pawn shop. Michael: Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch. Hot Dog Guy: Wow. Michael: With that I can buy... half the menu. Hot Dog Guy: I can't just go giving away hot dogs. Michael: All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell? Hot Dog Guy: Throw 'em away. Michael: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth? Hot Dog Guy: No. Michael: Okay. You've just lost my business. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey. Erin: Hey, you were in there forever. Dwight: There's too many brands. Where's Holly? Erin: She wandered off like an idiot. Dwight: Hey! Holly: Hey. Dwight: What are you doing? Holly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now. Cell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original. Holly: What? Cell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me. Dwight: Tootenbacher. Erin: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that... Dwight and Erin: farts popcorn. Dwight: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly? Holly: Are their egg rolls really that big? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it? Waiter: No problem. Michael: Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people. Waiter: So you can't pay for your food? Michael: Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing. Waiter: You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much. Michael: Well the number three is not such a giant feast. Waiter: [calling to the back] Mr. Chu! Micahel: Okay, all right. You know what? Waiter: You were trying to steal food from us? Michael: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now. Waiter: You can't. We'll stop you. Michael: Well, I think I can get through the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian... Erin: [point to picture] It's Michael! Waiter: He just left. Erin: You knew. Holly: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying? Dwight: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know? Waiter: I think he was heading downtown. Dwight: He's heading downtown. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: So what, no one's even gonna try? Pam: Guess not. Gabe: Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive. Darryl: You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter] Gabe: Hey... Stanley: [whispers] Click the "x" Phyllis: [whispers] I'm clicking! Stanley: In the box. Phyllis: I am clicking. Stanley: Woman, you've had a computer for years! Andy: Phyllis! Gabe: Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter. Andy: Oooohhh. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." [laughter] Kevin: Nice! Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs. Andy: Do the next one. Gabe: "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.' Darryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island. Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming? Phyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it? Gabe: Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha. Oscar: That's tasteless, Gabe. Gabe: Tasteless? Oscar: Tasteless. Gabe: More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." [laughter] Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Phyllis: Yes. Kevin: Yes, well done! Oscar: Who's is it? Who wrote that? Phyllis: Yeah, who wrote it? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Where did he go, Holly? Holly: I have no idea. Dwight: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "this way, this way"? Holly: I don't know. Dwight: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you! Holly: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all. Dwight: All right then. Someone propose a plan. Erin: Okay. We fan out... Dwight: Not you, Erin. Holly: Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below. Dwight: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next. Holly: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him. Erin: Good. We don't need her. Dwight: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael? Michael: Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here? Holly: What are you doing up here? Michael: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin. Holly: Dunder Mifflin. Michael: Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much. Holly: I missed you too. Michael: Really? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Can I kiss you? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading. Gabe: Uh, it was. Meredith: Maybe it wasn't. Gabe: "Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe." Andy: Oh! [laughter] Phyllis: No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going. Gabe: "I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]. [laughter] "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo." Andy: [laughs] Gabe: "Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her." Phyllis: Yeah, there you go. [laughter]

Plan: A: Jim; Q: Who gets an emergency phone call from Helene? A: Linda Purl; Q: Who plays Helene? A: a gas station bathroom; Q: Where does Jim leave Michael? A: Holly; Q: Who finds Michael? A: a search; Q: What do Holly, Erin, and Dwight go on for Michael? A: A captioning contest starts; Q: What starts in the office? A: Pam; Q: Who's artwork offends Gabe? Summary: Jim gets an emergency phone call from Helene ( Linda Purl ), forcing him to leave Michael at a gas station bathroom. This leads Holly, Erin, and Dwight on a search for the whereabouts of Michael. A captioning contest starts in the office over Pam's artwork, which seems to offend Gabe. Holly eventually finds Michael because of their similar mentality and she realizes her feelings for him.

-[Fairy Tale World]- (In a small castle in the forest, a group is strategizing around a large map on a table. The group is made up of Maurice, Belle, Gaston and several knights. A knight enters the war room to deliver news.) Knight: Sir, there's news from the battlefield. Avonlea has fallen. Maurice: My gods. Gaston: If only he had come. Maurice: Well, he didn't, did he? Ogres are not men. Gaston: We have to do something. We have to stop them. Maurice: They are unstoppable. Belle: He could be on his way right now, Papa. Maurice: It's too late, my girl. It's just too late. (There is a loud banging at the door.) Belle: It's him. It has to be him. Maurice: How could he get past the walls? Open it. (Two knights remove the board blocking the door, and open it. They look out, but see no one there.) Rumpelstiltskin: Well, that was a bit of a letdown. (Rumpelstiltskin appears behind them, sitting in a chair.) Rumpelstiltskin: You sent me a message. Something about, um, 'Help, help! We're dying! Can you save us?' Now, the answer is - yes, I can. Yes, I can protect your little town. For a price. Maurice: We sent you a promise of gold. Rumpelstiltskin: Ah... No. You see, um... I, uh, make gold. What I want is something a bit more special. My price...is her. (Rumpelstiltskin points to Belle.) Maurice: No. Gaston: The young lady is engaged to me. Rumpelstiltskin: I wasn't asking if she was engaged. I'm not looking for 'love' - I'm looking for a caretaker for my rather large estate. It's her, or no deal. Maurice: Get out. Leave! Rumpelstiltskin: As you wish. (Rumpelstiltskin heads for the door, but stops when Belle yells out to him.) Belle: No, wait. (Belle approaches Rumpelstiltskin.) Belle: I will go with him. Gaston: I forbid it! Maurice: No... Belle: No one decides my fate but me. I shall go. Rumpelstiltskin: It's forever, dearie. Belle: My family, my friends - they will all live? Rumpelstiltskin: You have my word. Belle: Then, you have mine. I will go with you forever. Rumpelstiltskin: Deal. Maurice: Belle. Belle, you cannot do this. Belle, please. You can't go with this...beast. (Rumpelstiltskin feigns offense.) Belle: Father. Gaston. It's been decided. Rumpelstiltskin: You know - she's right. The deal is struck. Oh! Congratulations on your little war. -[Real World]- (Mr. French is unloading flowers out of his delivery van. Mr. Gold and another man are watching him from the sidewalk.) Mr. Gold: Well, this is just perfect. I've been looking for you, Mr. French. Mr. French: I'll have your money next week. Mr. Gold: The terms of the loan were fairly specific. Take the van. (The man with Mr. Gold gets into the driver's seat of the van.) Mr. French: Wait! No! Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. It's the biggest day of... I've got a grand in roses in the back! (Mr. Gold's lackey starts the van.) Mr. French: Stop! You've got to let me sell them. Mr. Gold: I'm going to leave you two to continue this conversation. Mr. French: Oh, this is no way to do business, Gold. You are the lowest! People aren't going to put up with this! (Mr. French attempts to block the van, but is unsuccessful. The man in the van drives away and Mr. Gold crosses the street. He runs into Regina, who was watching.) Regina: Mr. Gold. That was quite a show back there. Mr. Gold: Well, Mr. French is just having a bad day - happens to the best of us. Regina: I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Mr. Gold: Yeah. And the moment you have something I want to discuss, we'll have that little chat. Regina: No, we're going to do this now. It'll only take a moment. Mr. Gold: Is there something eating you, dear? Something you need to get out in the open? Cause it's going to have to wait. Please. (Regina backs down and Mr. Gold walks past her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are both at Granny's diner, but are sitting at separate tables. David is reading a book while Mary Margaret drinks coffee.) MMB: Oh, you got the book. David: Yeah. Yeah, I just started it. It's great. Can't wait to see how it ends. (Ruby comes over to refill Mary Margaret's coffee.) Ruby: Uh, I can push the tables together if you guys- MMB: Oh, no. We're not together. David: No. No, that's- (Ruby leaves and Emma enters. She sits down across from Mary Margaret.) Emma: Hey, David. David: Hey. Emma: Mary Margaret. Emma: So. How's your day going? MMB: Henry's fine. Emma: That's not what I asked you. ...You sure? MMB: Really - he's his normal self. Regina won't keep you separated forever. When people are supposed to be together, they find a way. Emma: Yeah. So, he's his normal self? He's fine? He's happy? MMB: Yes. No! He misses you - a lot. Trust me - I'm with him, like, six hours a day. (Ashley enters the diner with her baby. She hands her to Granny and joins Mary Margaret and Emma at their table.) Ashley: Six hours? You take newborns? Cause I'd love six hours off. MMB: Ashley! I didn't... I didn't even recognize you. Ashley: Baby on the outside? Emma: How's it going? Ashley: It's, uh... It's, uh... I mean, baby's great, but we really haven't had time to do the whole getting married thing. So, that's been rough. And Sean's been working double shifts at the cannery. MMB: Well, he has to work. (Ruby comes over to give Ashley her coffee.) Ashley: On Valentine's Day? Yeah. He couldn't get out of it. Emma: I'm sorry. That sucks. Ruby: It doesn't have to. Come out with me. Let's have a girl's night. We can all go. Mary Margaret - Emma, too. If you leave the badge at home. Emma: I'm not really in the party mood, but you guys can all go and have fun. (Emma's phone vibrates.) MMB: What's that? Emma: It's the station - something's up. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold walks up the walkway to the front door of his house, where he sees that the door is ajar. He pushes it open and enters the house. Inside, he draws and gun and slowly moves farther into the house. The floor creaks behind him. When he turns around, he sees Emma with her gun drawn and pointed at him.) Mr. Gold: Sheriff Swan. Emma: Your neighbour saw your front door open - they called it in. Mr. Gold: It appears I've been robbed. Emma: Funny how that keeps happening to you. Mr. Gold: Yeah, well, I'm a difficult man to love. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin and Belle enter Rumpelstiltskin's estate. They walk through the dining room, and then walk down to the dungeons.) Belle: Uh, where... Where are you taking me? Rumpelstiltskin: Let's call it your room. (They arrive at a cell door.) Belle: My room? Rumpelstiltskin: Well, it sounds a lot nicer than dungeon. (Rumpelstiltskin pushes her into the cell and locks her in there. He walks away as she pounds on the door.) Belle: You can't just leave me in here! Hello? Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] (Rumpelstiltskin and Belle are in the dining room. He sits at the head of the table as she pours tea.) Rumpelstiltskin: You will serve me my meals, and you will clean the Dark Castle. Belle: I-I understand. Rumpelstiltskin: You will dust my collection and launder my clothing. Belle: Yes. Rumpelstiltskin: You will fetch me fresh straw when I'm spinning at the wheel. Belle: Got it. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! And you will skin the children I hunt for their pelts. (Belle drops the cup of tea onto the floor.) Rumpelstiltskin: That one was a quip - not serious. Belle: Right. (She kneels to pick up the cup. When she holds it up, there's a chip missing on the edge.) Belle: I'm, uh... I'm so sorry, but, uh... It's... It's chipped. Y-You can hardly see it. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, it's just a cup. -[Real World]- (Emma and Mr. Gold are still at Mr. Gold's house.) Mr. Gold: Sheriff Swan, you can go now. I know exactly what was taken and who did it. I've got it from here. Emma: No, you don't. This was a robbery - a public menace. And if you don't tell me what you know, I'll have to arrest you for obstruction of justice. I have a feeling you don't want to be behind bars. Mr. Gold: Indeed not. Alright, his name's Moe French. He sells flowers. He recently defaulted on a loan. A short time ago, we had a little disagreement over collateral. Emma: Okay. I'll go get him - check him out. Mr. Gold: I'm sure you will - assuming I don't find him... Let's just say, bad things tend to happen to bad people. Emma: Is that a threat? Mr. Gold: Observation. Good luck. (Emma leaves.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Belle is standing on a ladder trying to pull open the curtains. Rumpelstiltskin is on the ground next to her spinning straw.) Belle: Why do you spin so much? (He pauses and looks at her.) Belle: Sorry. It's just... You've spun straw into more gold than you could ever spend. Rumpelstiltskin: I like to watch the wheel - helps me forget. Belle: Forget what? Rumpelstiltskin: I guess it worked. (They both laugh. Rumpelstiltskin gets up and walks over to Belle.) Rumpelstiltskin: What are you doing? Belle: Opening these. It's almost spring - we should let some light in. (She tugs on the curtains again.) Belle: What did you do? Nail them down? Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah. (Belle tries pulling the curtains again, except this time, she pulls them entirely off the rod. She falls, but Rumpelstiltskin catches her.) Belle: Thank you. (He sets her down.) Belle: Thank you. Rumpelstiltskin: It's no matter. Belle: I'll, uh, put the curtains back up. Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, there's no need. I'll get used to it. -[Real World]- (At the station, Emma pulls back a sheet, revealing several items on her desk to Mr. Gold.) Emma: You're welcome. You were right - your man Moe ripped you off. It was all still at his place. Mr. Gold: And the man himself? Emma: Closing in on him. Mr. Gold: So, job well 'half-done', then. Emma: In less than a day, I got everything back. Is something wrong? Mr. Gold: You've recovered nothing. There's something missing. (He goes to leave.) Emma: I'll get it when I find him. Mr. Gold: Not if I find him first. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Belle and Rumpelstiltskin are sitting on the table in Rumpelstiltskin's dining room.) Belle: Why did you want me here? Rumpelstiltskin: The place was filthy. Belle: I think you were lonely. I mean, any man would be lonely. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm not a man. Belle: So, I've had, uh, a couple of months to look around, you know. And, uh... Upstairs there's, uh, clothing - small, as if for a... A child? Was it yours, or... Or was there a son? Rumpelstiltskin: There was. There was a son. I lost him - as I did his mother. Belle: I'm... I'm sorry. So you... You were a man, once. An ordinary man. If I'm never going to know another person in my whole life, can't I at least know you? Rumpelstiltskin: Perhaps... Perhaps you just want to learn the monster's weaknesses. Belle: You're not a monster. You think you're uglier than you are. That's why you cover all the mirrors up, isn't it? Hm? (There's a knock at the door. Rumpelstiltskin answers it, and sees Gaston standing there with his sword drawn.) Gaston: I am Sir Gaston. And you, beast, have taken- (Rumpelstiltskin snaps his fingers, turning Gaston into a rose in a puff of smoke. He returns to Belle with the rose.) Belle: Who was that? Rumpelstiltskin: Just an old woman selling flowers. Here - if you'll have it. (He hands Belle the rose.) Belle: Why, thank you. (Rumpelstiltskin sits down as she searches for a vase.) Rumpelstiltskin: You had a life, Belle. Before...this. Friends. Family. What made you choose to come here with me? Belle: Heroism. Sacrifice. You know, there aren't a lot of opportunities for women in this land to... To show what they can do. To see the world, to be heroes. So, when you arrived, that was my chance. I always wanted to be brave. I figured, do the brave thing, and bravery would follow. Rumpelstiltskin: And is it everything you hoped? Belle: Well, uh... I did want to see the world. That part didn't really work out. But, uh... I did save my village. Rumpelstiltskin: And what about your, uh, betrothed? Belle: It was an arranged marriage. Honestly, I never really cared much for Gaston. You know, to me, love is... Love is layered. Love is a... A mystery to be uncovered. Yeah, I could never truly give my heart to someone as superficial as he. But, um, you were going to tell me about your son. Rumpelstiltskin: I'll tell you what - I'll make you a deal. Go to town and fetch me some straw. When you return, I'll share my tale. Belle: But... Town? You... You trust me to come back? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, no. I expect I'll never see you again. -[Real World]- (At the bar, Mary Margaret, Ruby, and Ashley are drinking at a table.) MMB: Pace yourself, Ashley. Ashley: I am! This is the first night out since I've had the baby - I am making up for lost time. Ruby: Ooh, Ash - check out those guys. (Ruby points to a group of guys standing by the bar.) Ashley: Oh, honey, I'm still with Sean. Ruby: You're not married, and he's not here. Ashley: He's working. Ruby: He's always working. Have fun moping. (Ruby goes over to talk to the guys, leaving Ashley and Mary Margaret alone.) Ashley: She's right - he is always working. I thought love would be different. MMB: Me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] (David is looking through the display of valentines at Mr. Clark's convenience store. He selects two and heads to the line to pay for them, where Mr. Gold is also waiting.) Mr. Gold: Two valentines - sounds like a complicated life. David: Oh, no. I... I just couldn't decide. Mr. Gold: These are both for the same woman? David: Well, they're both so...us. Mr. Gold: I see. Well, you're fortunate you have someone that loves you. David: I really am. (Mr. Gold gets to the cashier and puts a roll of duct tape and rope on the counter.) Mr. Gold: Love - it's like a delicate flame. And once it's gone, it's gone forever. Best of luck to you. David: Thanks. (David gets to the cashier. Mr. Clark sneezes.) David: Oh, bless you. Mr. Clark: Ah, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold is driving the rose van from earlier. In the back, Mr. French is tied up and gagged with duct tape.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold drives the van to the cabin in the woods. He gets out and opens the back doors of the van. He draws his gun and points it at Mr. French.) Mr. Gold: Walk. (Mr. Gold leads him to the cabin and they go inside.) Mr. Gold: You see, here's the thing - I don't normally let people get away. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Belle is walking along a path through the forest. Suddenly, the Evil Queen's carriage drives past her. The carriage stops and the Evil Queen opens the door.) Evil Queen: Did my carriage splash you? Belle: Oh. Oh, no, um... I'm fine. Evil Queen: You know, I'm tired of riding - let me stretch my legs and walk with you for a spell. (The Evil Queen gets out and joins Belle. They walk.) Evil Queen: You carry very little. Belle: I don't want to be slowed down. Evil Queen: Mm. You're running from someone. The question is, master or lover? Oh. Master and lover. Belle: I might take a rest. You... You go on ahead. (The Queen puts her arm around Belle and they continue walking.) Evil Queen: So, if I'm right, you love your employer, but you're leaving him. Belle: I might love him. I mean, I could, except... Something evil has taken root in him. Evil Queen: Sounds like a curse to me. And all curses can be broken. A kiss born of true love would do it. Oh, child, no. I would never suggest a young woman to kiss a man who held her captive. What kind of message is that? Belle: Right. Evil Queen: Besides, if he loves you, he would've let you go. And if he doesn't love you, well, then the kiss won't even work. Belle: Well, he did let me go. Evil Queen: Yes, but no kiss happened. Belle: And a kiss... A kiss is enough? He'd be a man again? Evil Queen: An ordinary man. True love's kiss will break any curse. [SCENE_BREAK] (Rumpelstiltskin watches the road to his estate from a tower. He sees Belle and rushes to his wheel before she arrives, pretending to be nonchalant.) Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, you're back already. Good... Good thing. I'm, uh... I'm nearly out of straw. Belle: Hm. Come on - you're happy that I'm back. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm not unhappy. Belle: And, uh, you promised me a story. Rumpelstiltskin: Did I? Belle: Mmhmm. Tell me about your son. Rumpelstiltskin: I lost him. There's nothing more to tell, really. Belle: And, since then, you've loved no one. And no one has loved you. Rumpelstiltskin: Why did you come back? Belle: I wasn't going to. Then... Something changed my mind. (She leans over and kisses him. Rumpelstiltskin briefly looks human again.) Rumpelstiltskin: What's happening? Belle: Kiss me again - it's working! Rumpelstiltskin: What is? Belle: Any curse can be broken. (Rumpelstiltskin quickly stands up. He reverts back to looking non-human.) Rumpelstiltskin: Who told you that? Who knows that? Belle: I-I... I don't know. She, uh... She... She... Rumpelstiltskin: She... (He angrily storms over to the covered mirror. He pulls off the sheet and starts yelling into it.) Rumpelstiltskin: You evil soul! This was you! You turned her against me! You think you can make me weak? You think you can defeat me? Belle: Who are you talking to? Rumpelstiltskin: The Queen! Your friend, the Queen! How did she get to you? Belle: The-The Queen? I don't- Rumpelstiltskin: I knew this was a trick. I knew you could never care for me. Oh, yeah! You're working for her. Or is this all you? Is this you being the hero and killing the beast? Belle: It was working- Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up! Belle: This means it's true love! Rumpelstiltskin: Shut the hell up! Belle: Why won't you believe me? Rumpelstiltskin: Because no one - no one - could ever, ever love me! (Rumpelstiltskin grabs Belle and takes her to the dungeons. He throws her into a cell and locks her in.) -[Real World]- (In the cabin in the woods, Mr. Gold has taken the duct tape off of Mr. French's mouth and has him sitting on a chair.) Mr. French: Let me explain, okay? Let me explain. (Mr. Gold grabs another chair and sits in front of Mr. French. He pushes the end of his cane into Mr. French's neck, cutting off his air.) Mr. Gold: Oh. Well, that is...fascinating. Truly fascinating. I'm going to let you breathe in a second, and you're going to say two sentences. The first, is going to tell me where it is. The second, is going to tell me who told you to take it. Do you understand the rules? Good. Let's begin. (Mr. Gold pulls the cane back from his neck.) Mr. French: I needed that van! Mr. Gold: Now, you see, that is not a good first sentence. (Mr. Gold hits Mr. French with his cane.) Mr. French: Ow! Gold! Listen! Mr. Gold: Tell me where it is! (He hits him with his cane again.) Mr. French: Ow! Stop! Mr. Gold: Tell me where it is! (He hits him again.) Mr. French: Ow! Stop! It wasn't my fault! Mr. Gold: 'My fault'? What are you talking about, 'my fault'? You shut her out. You had her love, and you shut her out! (He hits him again.) Mr. French: Ow! Mr. Gold: She's gone. She's gone forever - she's not coming back. And it's your fault! Not mine! You are her father! Yours! It's yours! (He starts to hit him with his cane repeatedly.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (In a rage, Rumpelstiltskin takes his old cane and smashes the glass of the armoire in his dining room.) -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold is still beating Mr. French with his cane.) Mr. Gold: It's your fault! It's your fault! (As he draws back to strike again, Emma appears behind him and grabs his arm.) Emma: Stop. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Still in a rage, Rumpelstiltskin starts smashing the teacups one by one against the wall. He hesitates when he gets to the chipped cup and instead of smashing it, places it on the table.) -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret returns to the table at the bar, where Ashley is sitting alone.) MMB: Girls' night's really working out for you. Ashley: I thought it would make me feel better. But the truth is, I need a 'be with my guy night'. But he's never around, and I'm at home with the baby all day. I mean, what's the point of being together if we're not together? MMB: I get it. Loving someone you can't be with - it's a terrible, terrible burden. Ashley: You know, this was a bad idea. I should... I should go home. (Sean arrives at the bar with a bouquet of flowers.) Sean: Ashley? Ashley: Sean? Sean: Hey. Ashley: I thought that you were working tonight? Sean: I am - it's my break. And I... I had to see you. And ask you something. (Sean gives the flowers to Ashley. He then kneels and takes out a ring.) Sean: Will you marry me? I only have a twenty minute break, so, um, anytime now. Ashley: Yes! Sean: My truck's outside if you want to take a ride before I head back to work. It's not much of a date- Ashley: It's the best date. Sean: Then, your carriage awaits. (The two of them leave. Mary Margaret, alone at the table, also goes to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside, Mary Margaret sees Ashley and Sean get into Sean's truck. David appears and approaches her.) David: How's girls' night? MMB: David? What are you doing here? David: Well, I knew you'd be here. And I, uh... I wanted to give you your Valentine's Day card. (He pulls a card out of his jacket pocket and hands it to her.) MMB: Check up on me? David: Maybe a little. I didn't want you finding somebody else. MMB: Like you? (Mary Margaret opens the valentine and reads it out loud.) MMB: Kathryn, I woof you... (David takes the card from her and takes out another one from his pocket.) David: I'm so sorry. I meant... I meant this one. MMB: I-I... I always thought, that if two people were supposed to be together, they'd find a way. But, David, if this is our way, I think we should find another one. David: Mary Margaret- MMB: I think you should go home to Kathryn. David: I know. You're right, but it doesn't mean I'm going to give up. We'll find that way. MMB: I hope so. David: Happy Valentine's Day. MMB: Happy Valentine's Day. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Mr. Gold are standing outside the cabin. Mr. French is on a stretcher and is being loaded into an ambulance by paramedics.) Emma: So, I heard you managed not to break anything he needs. You're lucky, Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold: You got a funny definition of lucky. Emma: You have a funny definition of justice. What did he really do? Mr. Gold: He stole. Emma: That reaction was about more than taking a few trinkets. You said something about how he hurt her - what happened to 'her'? Who was that? What did he do? If someone needs help, maybe I can help. Mr. Gold: No. I'm sorry, Sheriff. I think you heard that wrong. Emma: You really don't want to cooperate? Mr. Gold: Look, we're done here. Emma: Actually, we're not. You're under arrest. (Emma takes out a pair of handcuffs and starts to cuff him.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin opens the door to Belle's cell.) Belle: So, what are you going to do to me? Rumpelstiltskin: Go. Belle: Go? Rumpelstiltskin: I don't want you anymore, dearie. (She goes to leave, but turns around and walks back to the cell.) Belle: You were freeing yourself! You could've had happiness if you just believed that someone could want you. But you couldn't take the chance. Rumpelstiltskin: That's a lie. Belle: You're a coward, Rumpelstiltskin. And no matter how thick you make your skin, that doesn't change. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm not a coward, dearie. It's quite simple, really. My power, means more to me than you. Belle: No. No, it doesn't. You just don't think I can love you. Now, you've made your choice. And you're going to regret it - forever. And all you'll have, is an empty heart - and a chipped cup. (Belle leaves the dungeon.) -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold is sitting in a cell at the station. Emma watches him, while eating lunch in her office.) Emma: Pastrami - you want half? You know, I still owe you that favour. Nice, fatty pastrami. Delicious way to clear the books. Mr. Gold: Well, I don't need a reminder that you owe me a favour. And when the day comes that I make my request, it'll be for more than half a sandwich. (Regina and Henry enter.) Regina: Sheriff Swan? I'm letting you have thirty minutes with Henry. Take him out - buy him ice cream. Emma: You want me to leave you alone with a prisoner? Regina: Twenty nine and a half minutes. Henry: Hi, Emma. Emma: Hey. Mr. Gold: Bring me back a cone? Emma: Just this once. Come on - let's go. (Emma grabs her coat and leaves with Henry.) Mr. Gold: Well, you really wanted that little chat, didn't you? Regina: Apparently, this is the only way I could do it. Mr. Gold: Please - sit. (Regina walks over to a couch near the cell and sits on the edge.) Mr. Gold: Now, when two people both want something the other has, a deal can always be struck. Do you have what I want? Regina: Yes. Mr. Gold: So, you did put him up to it, then. Regina: I merely suggested, that strong men take what they need. Mr. Gold: Oh, yeah. And you told him just exactly what to take, didn't you? Regina: We used to know each other so well, Mr. Gold. Has it really come down to this? Mr. Gold: It seems it has, yeah. But you know what I want - what is it you want? Regina: I want you, to answer one question. And answer it simply - what's your name? Mr. Gold: It's Mr. Gold. Regina: Your real name. Mr. Gold: Every moment I've spent on this earth, that's been my name. Regina: But what about moments spent elsewhere? Mr. Gold: What are you asking me? Regina: I think you know. If you want me to return what's yours - tell me your name. Mr. Gold: Rumpelstiltskin. Now give me what I want. Regina: Such hostility. Mr. Gold: Oh, yeah. (Regina pulls out the chipped cup from her purse.) Regina: Over this? Such a sentimental little keepsake. (She dangles it in front of him until he grabs it from her.) Mr. Gold: Thank you... Your Majesty. So. Now that we're being honest with each other, let's remember how things used to be, shall we? And don't let these bars fool you, dear. I'm the one with the power around here. I'm going to be out of here in no time, and nothing between us will change. Regina: We shall see. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin is sitting at the wheel spinning straw. The Evil Queen enters and goes straight to making herself a cup of tea.) Evil Queen: Flimsy locks. I have a deal to discuss. A certain...mermaid. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm not dealing today. Evil Queen: Are you angry with me? What is it this time? Rumpelstiltskin: Your little deception failed. You'll never be more powerful than me. You can keep trying, dearie, but you're never going to beat me. Evil Queen: Is this about that girl I met on the road? Hm? What was her name? Margie? ...Verna? Rumpelstiltskin: Belle. Evil Queen: Right. Well, you can rest assured I had nothing to do with that tragedy. (He stops spinning and walks over to the Queen.) Rumpelstiltskin: What tragedy? Evil Queen: You don't know? Well, after she got home, her fiancé had gone missing. And after her stay here - her association with you - no one would want her, of course. Her father shunned her, cut her off, shut her out. Rumpelstiltskin: So, she needs...a home. Evil Queen: He was cruel to her. He locked her in a tower and sent in clerics to cleanse her soul with scourges and flaying. After a while, she threw herself off the tower. She died. Rumpelstiltskin: You're lying. Evil Queen: Am I? Rumpelstiltskin: We're done. Evil Queen: Fine - I have other calls to make. The place is looking dusty, Rumpel. You should get a new girl. (The Evil Queen leaves. Rumpelstiltskin opens his armoire and takes out the chipped cup. He then walks over to a pedestal with a goblet on top and replaces it with the cup.) -[Real World]- (Mr. French, who is in a wheel chair, sits in the waiting room at the hospital. Regina walks past him towards a door with a keypad. She enters the code and heads down to a psychiatric ward in the basement. She hands the nurse at the desk a rose.) Nurse: Pretty. Regina: Well, I know how hard you work. Has anyone been to see her? Nurse: No, ma'am. Not today, not ever. (Regina walks down a corridor with several doors on each side, where she walks past a patient who is mopping the floor. She comes to a door with sliding hatch to look inside. She opens it, revealing Belle in a padded room.) -[End]-

Plan: A: Mr. Gold's house; Q: What is robbed? A: Emma; Q: Who keeps a close eye on Mr. Gold? A: the criminal; Q: Who does Mr. Gold want to track down? A: Valentine's Day; Q: What holiday is it in Storybrooke? A: Ashley; Q: Who has a girls' night out with Mary Margaret and Ruby? A: the fairytale land; Q: Where does Belle live? A: Belle; Q: Who agrees to give up her freedom to save her town? A: the Ogre war; Q: What does Belle agree to give up her freedom to save her town from? Summary: After Mr. Gold's house is robbed, Emma keeps a close eye on him when it looks like he wants to track down the criminal and dole out some vigilante justice as payback, and Valentine's Day finds Mary Margaret, Ruby and Ashley having a girls' night out. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, Belle agrees to a fateful deal to give up her freedom in order to save her town from the horrors of the Ogre war.

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Buffy's street at night. Willow and Xander are walking ahead of her on their way to her house. Xander: You don't know what you're talking about. Willow: Xander, he was obviously in charge. Xander: He was a puppet! She was using him! Willow: He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used. Xander: Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. (turns behind him) Buffy. Buffy: Huh? Xander: Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille? Buffy: Ummm... Who are these people? Xander: The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment! Buffy: I'm sorry. I was just... Willow: Thinking? Buffy: No, not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts. I love it when things are quiet around here. Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that. Buffy: Yeah, but we'll let you off this time. They turn down the walk to Buffy's house. Willow: So, we're pretty sure that there're not more Tarakan assassins coming our way? Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off. Xander: How *is* Angel? Pretend I care. Buffy: (smiles) Getting better. Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid? Buffy: Oh, yeah! Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess? Buffy: Xander... He chuckles as they climb the steps to the porch. Buffy gets out her key and reaches up to put it in the door lock. When she pushes on it to insert it the door just swings in. Cut inside. Buffy stares in, concerned to find the door unlocked. Buffy: You guys wait here a second. She slowly walks in and looks around. After a few seconds she hears a glass fall and break in the kitchen and her mother cry out. Joyce: (from the kitchen) No! Buffy rushes through the dining room to the kitchen door and pushes it open. Buffy: Mom! There she catches her mother locked in an embrace with and kissing a man. They break off their kiss, and all three of them stare awkwardly at each other. Buffy: Oh, my... (exhales) I'm sorry, I... (exhales) I heard... Joyce: Uh, I-I-I broke a wineglass. Y-y-you're home early. Ted: Hi. Buffy: Hi. Joyce: (to Ted) Oh! Uh, this is my daughter, Buffy. (to Buffy) Buffy, this is Ted. Buffy just stares at him, unsure how to react. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The kitchen at Buffy's house. Xander and Willow have been invited to stay for dinner. Ted is cooking. He opens the oven and slides in a baking sheet full of mini pizzas. Ted: Okay, here we go! Cut to outside the kitchen door. Joyce empties the dustpan full of broken glass into the trashcan. Buffy: So. All these late nights at the gallery recently I gather you were cataloging more than art. Joyce: Well, I... I've been looking for the right moment to introduce you two. He's a wonderful man. Buffy looks over her shoulder at Ted cooking. Ted: Sprinkle that on... Xander: Uh, a little more. Okay, more... Buffy: How'd you meet? Joyce: Oh, he sells, uh, computer software. He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time. Buffy: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen. Joyce: You weren't supposed to see that. Cut inside the kitchen. Ted takes the cast-iron pan from the stove, goes over to the island with it and scoops out several finished pizzas. Willow: I like my new nine-Gig hard drive. Ted: But you don't love it, 'cause without the DMA upgrade your computer's only half a rocket ship. Willow: Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades? Ted: Well, you can! I get the demos for free, I don't see why I shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price! Any friend of Buffy's... Willow squeals with delight. Xander munches on one of the mini pizzas. Ted: What? Xander: Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy. Can I just say, this is the finest pizza *ever* on God's green Earth. What is your secret? Ted: Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but you gotta use (knocks his pan) a cast-iron skillet. No room for compromise there. Buffy and Joyce come back into the kitchen. Xander: Y'know, you should market these things. I mean, you can get two, three hundred bucks apiece! Ted laughs at that and takes the plate with the pizzas over to Buffy. Ted: Hungry? Buffy: No, thanks. Ted: Buffy, I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I wanted it to be... perfect. I'm very fond of your mother, I guess that's pretty obvious. I know you're the most (gestures toward the picture of the two of them on the refrigerator) important thing in her life, and, well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too. Joyce overheard and comes over to stand next to Ted. Joyce: Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this. Ted: Beg to differ: *we* really want you to be okay with this. They both smile at Buffy. Buffy: I'm okay. Joyce: You are? Buffy: I am. (smiles stiffly) Cut to the park. A picnic table stands there empty. Suddenly a vampire comes crashing down onto it, and it collapses underneath him. He shakes off the blow as he gets back up and comes at Buffy again. She grabs the metal lid from a trashcan while Giles looks on. She uses it as a shield to block the vampire's punch and then hits him over the head with it. He falls to his knee, but gets back up. She hits him with it again and he falls to his other knee and quickly gets up again. She hits him a third time and he staggers again. Giles: Buffy? I-I believe he's, he's, um... Buffy swings down with the lid from above onto the vampire's head. He just absorbs the blow and comes at her with a punch. She blocks the swing with the lid again and swings it around onto his head from above again. Giles winces at what he's seeing. Buffy blocks another punch, then discards the lid and kicks the vampire in the face. Giles: It, it's, it's staking time, really. Don't you think? Buffy kicks the vampire again and follows up with a punch to the jaw. Giles sits down on a bench to wait, holding his bag in his lap. Buffy throws a right jab to the vampire's face. She follows up with a kick to his knee, making the vampire fall to the ground. She pulls a stake out of her jacket and cleanly jams it into his chest and pulls it back out. The vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy looks around as she walks over to Giles. Buffy: Any others? Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not. Buffy: What? I kill vampires, that's my job. Giles: Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright? Buffy: Yeah! Fine! She walks around him, steps up onto the bench and sits on the backrest. Buffy: I killed a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out at the park? Giles: Well, they're... scattered, you know. Now their leaders are gone, with any luck dead. In times of crisis they usually return to the easiest feeding grounds. Buffy: Vampires are creeps. Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them. Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas, and everyone's like, 'I like your mini pizzas,' but I'm telling you, I am... Giles: (interrupts) Uh, uh, Buffy! I-I believe the... subtext here is, is, rapidly becoming, uh, (clears his throat) uh, text. Are you sure there's nothing you want to share? Buffy: No. Forget it. (looks around again) Think there'll be any more? I-I can wait. Cut to Sunnydale High the next day. Buffy: If you say one more word, things will become dire. Cut to the halls. Xander, Willow and Buffy are walking. Xander: Did you even bother to taste 'em? Nooo! Well, I did, and I'm here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is the master chef! Buffy: Fine! So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you about a person? Xander: Everything. Willow: You don't like him? Buffy: I don't *know* him. I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him. Xander: (in a rough voice) What kind of a monster is he? Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown. Willow: (giggles) He's a clean clown! (gets stares from the others) I have my own fun. They arrive at the vending machines. Xander: Buff, you're lacking evidence. I think maybe we're in Sigmund Freud territory. He puts his coins into the machine. Willow: He has a point. Separation anxiety, the mother figure being taken away, conflict with the father figure... Buffy: He's *not* my father figure. Xander: Having issues much? Buffy: I am not! Xander does a typical funny dance, pointing both fingers at Buffy and responding in a sing-song voice. Xander: You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues... Willow: Xander... Xander: What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance. Buffy: Okay, I admit it's weird. Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it's more than that. I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me, and there is definitely something wrong with this... Ted. Xander spots Ted coming down the stairs behind Buffy. Xander: Ted! Buffy: Of course, Ted. Who'd you think I was talking about? Xander: Hi, Ted! Ted, who's here. Ted: Hello, kids! The girls turn quickly to face him. Buffy: (to Ted) What are you doing here? Ted: I'm updating the software in the guidance office. Which reminds me, (pulls several disks from his pocket and hands them to Willow) your upgrades. Willow: (eagerly accepting the disks) Oh, what a day! Thank you! Buffy gives Willow a look. Ted: Think nothing of it. Buffy, do you like miniature golf? Xander: Who doesn't! Ted: Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday we could drag the three of you out to the course, spend some time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people. Buffy: Well, uh... Ted: I'm making a picnic basket. Xander: (eyes wide) With mini pizzas? Ted: And cookies! Xander inhales in wide-eyed, open-mouthed rapture. Buffy: You know what, we, we would love to, honestly, but, um, unfortunately we have that (looks to Willow for support) thing on Saturday. Willow: Ohhh, that thing. (they look at Xander) That thing. Xander: Hey, we can do that thing anytime. I'm tired of doing that thing. (to Ted) We're on! Ted: Great! Willow and Buffy can only smile, Willow widely, Buffy half-heartedly. Cut to Ms. Calendar's classroom. She's gathering assignments from the desks. Giles walks up to the door and steps in. Giles: Hello, Jenny. Jenny: Rupert. Hi. Giles: Some of your, uh, textbooks were delivered to the library. Um, do you want me to, uh, hang on to them? Jenny: Yeah, that's fine. I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up. Giles: Right. Good. (turns around and starts out of the room) Jenny: Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me. Giles: (comes back in) You should have heard the ones I threw out. (smiles briefly) I just, I wanted to, uh... see how you were doing. Jenny: I'm doing pretty good, actually. I've stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it. (Giles smiles at that) I'm still having trouble sleeping, though. Giles: (steps closer) Oh, of course. Um... you, you, you need time. Jenny: Or possibly space. Rupert, I know you're concerned. But having you constantly poking around, making little puppy dog eyes at me, wondering if I'm okay... (exhales) You make me feel bad that I don't feel better. I don't want that responsibility. Giles: Sorry. (looks down) I certainly don't mean to make, um, 'dog eyes'... at you. I'm just... Jenny: Worried. I know. Giles: I shouldn't have bothered you. He turns and walks out of the room with his head hung down. Jenny watches him go and exhales. She goes back to collecting the papers. Cut to Angel's apartment. Buffy is replacing the bandage on his right hand while he lies in his comfy chair. Buffy: So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and I'm like, 'That's really great, Mom,' and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time. Angel: (looks up at her) So, you gonna talk about something else at some point? Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life. She's finished wrapping the bandage and Angel hands her a piece of tape. Angel: No, but maybe your mom does. Buffy takes the tape and puts it on the bandage. Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom. Angel: (chuckles) Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is. Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted? Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you? Buffy: My dad? (Angel looks at her) Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him? Angel: (smiles) Kiss me. Buffy: (smiles) Finally, something I wanna do! She leans over him and kisses him lightly on the lips. She gets in his lap and they kiss more passionately. Cut to Saturday at the mini-golf course. The group walks up to the next hole. Xander: Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, so few have conquered. He puts his ball in place and studies his shot. Joyce: That picnic was delicious. Xander takes his shot. It's weak. Joyce: You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks? Ted: I know I've been looking a long time for one. So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you. Buffy: Not really. Willow: Oh, they are, but she's only interested in... (gets a nudge from Buffy) uh, her studies! 'Book-cracker Buffy', it's kind of her nickname. Ted: Well, glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon. He bends down to position his ball for his shot. Buffy: My grades? (paces over to her mom) How does he know about my grades? Joyce: I told him. He wants to know everything about you. He's concerned. That's a good thing. (Ted makes his shot) Ooo, nice shot, Ted! Cut to the next hole with a castle. Buffy is ready to take her shot. Ted: Keep your eye on the ball. Watch those elbows! Buffy swings a bit too hard, and the ball ricochets off of the castle and into the rough behind it. Ted: Oh! Bad luck, little lady! Buffy starts to walk to retrieve her ball for another try. Joyce: Oh, we won't count it. Ted: We won't? Buffy stops and turns back to look at them. Joyce: Well, it's just miniature golf. Ted: It is, but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what she takes out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party. (to Buffy) I don't mean to overstep my bounds, this is between you and your mother, I just think right is right. Joyce: He has a point. Buffy: Fine. I'll just go hit my ball from the rough. She goes over to her ball behind the castle and picks it up. She steps onto the green, and thinking no one sees her drops her ball into the hole. Buffy: (loudly) Hey, how 'bout that! Got a hole in two! Ted: Beg to differ. Buffy turns her head to see him standing next to the castle where he can just see. Buffy: Okay, so fine my score or whatever. Ted: I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that? Buffy: It's just a game? Ted: Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you (Buffy notices how he's tapping his ankle with his club pretty hard) it is *not* a game! It *does* count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house! Buffy: Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not *in* your house. Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours? Buffy can't believe her ears. She notices the others come around the castle, and Ted follows her gaze. Ted: Who's up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies! (smiles) Joyce opens the zip-lock bag of cookies. Xander: Yum-my! Willow: Cookies! Buffy stares at everyone and can't believe that Ted just threatened her. Ted: Yeah! I-I made, uh, too many, so you guys are gonna have to take some home! Everyone has a cookie and is munching away. Joyce: Mm! Buffy, you've got to try one of these! They're really good! Mm! Ted offers her one with a smile. Buffy just keeps looking at them in disbelief. Willow: Mm! Xander: Mm! These are tasty! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Morning at the Summer's house. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy comes wandering in. Joyce gets the orange juice from the refrigerator and brings it to the island. Joyce: Good morning, sunshine! Buffy: Hey. Joyce: (sets down the OJ) I've got juice, I've got sticky buns, oh, don't they smell good! Buffy picks up part of a bun. Joyce: Ted made them. Buffy puts it back down. Joyce: (smiles) What? Buffy: I'd just like to eat something around here that Ted didn't make. Joyce: Oh, what kind of an attitude is that? Buffy: (exhales) Look, Mom, I know you think he's great and all, but I... Joyce: (pours some juice) Y'know, he went out of his way to be nice to you, and you couldn't say two words to him on Saturday. (pours another glass) I do not expect you to love him right away like I do, but I do expect you to treat him decently. Buffy: You love him? Joyce: (puts down the juice carton) I-I don't know. (exhales) That just slipped out. (takes the juice back to the fridge) But I guess, I mean, it's not exactly like men beat down the door when you're a single... Buffy: When you're a single parent. Joyce: (exhales) Honey, look. I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody if they didn't care about you. But he does! I don't understand why you can't see that! Buffy: He threatened me. Joyce: What? (comes back to the island) Buffy: He threatened me. He said that he was gonna slap my face. Joyce: (disbelieving) He said no such thing! Honey, Ted told me what happened. He caught you cheating, didn't he? Buffy: (exhales) Yeah, I kicked my ball in, put me in jail, but he totally wigged! Joyce: And he didn't say anything about it in front of the others, did he? Buffy: Uh, no, but I don't think that's the... Joyce: (interrupts) Well, I thought that that was pretty decent of him! Ted said we are just gonna have to give you time to come around. Oh, speaking of which, he's making dinner for us tonight, so I'd like you at home, please, (points down for emphasis) promptly at six. Buffy gives her mother a look and stalks out of the kitchen. Joyce just shrugs and lets her go. She eats part of a sticky bun. Joyce: Mm, this is sooo delicious! Cut to the quad at the school. Willow, Buffy and Xander are walking across. Xander is munching on a cookie. Willow: What do you mean, check him out? Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his life. Xander: Can you say 'overreaction'? Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound'? Willow: Buffy, it just seems like you *want* him to be corrupt, or something. Buffy: The guy lost his senses over mini-golf. Xander: So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. (gets a look from Buffy) Don't gimme the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept. Buffy and Willow sit on a bench. Buffy: And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em. Xander notices Cordelia walk past them behind the bench. Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit. Cordelia: (stops to look at him) Oh, very funny. Xander: Not really. Cordelia: What are you saying? Buffy and Willow look up at Xander. Xander: Nice outfit? Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut! (walks off) Xander: Would you guys excuse me for a sec? (goes after Cordelia) Willow: What's up with them? Cut to Cordelia walking along the colonnade. Xander catches up with her. Cordelia: What's wrong with you? Xander: I gave you a compliment. Cordelia: In front of your friends! They're gonna know! Xander: Know what? Cordelia: Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it! Xander: That we kissed? Cordelia: Uhhh! Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out? Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? (considers the offer) Okay. They go off to make out. Cut to Buffy and Willow still on the bench. Buffy: Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around. Willow: Different, like happy? Buffy: Like Stepford. Will you help me? Willow: You know I will. What do you want me to look for? Buffy: Let's start small. Can you find out where he works? Willow nods. Cut to Ted's office. Buffy spots Ted at his desk and moves into the snack area to observe him. Neal has the desk next to Ted's. They're both talking with customers over their headsets. Neal: Yeah, i-i-it's a terrific product. No PC should be without it. Ted: No, Mrs. Lawnsdale, it is not an inexpensive piece of software. As a matter of fact it's a very expensive one. Which removes the risk of crashing your whole system. Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I can always recommend... Trust me, you won't be sorry. Thank *you* very much. Ted takes off his headset and puts it down. Buffy sees him get up and quickly crouches down and hides under the snack table. Ted walks over to the sales board and makes another hack mark by his name. Ted: Goin' to lunch! He walks out the door. Buffy stands back up and watches him leave. She glances over at his desk and then back at the sales board again. Neal walks up to get a cup of coffee and notices her standing there. Neal: You're new, aren't ya? (grabs the coffee pot) Buffy: Oh... Neal: I'm Neal. (pours a cup) Buffy: I'm B... Linda. Belinda. I'm just temping for the day. (looks at the board) Wow, that guy's a salesman. I guess he's the one to beat around here. Neal: Nobody beats 'The Machine'. The guy's a genius. Knows everything about computers, never loses a client... If I sound bitter, I am. (takes a sip of his coffee) Buffy: Well, nobody likes an overachiever. (Neal chuckles) Uh, he's probably got ex-wives and, and families to support. Neal: He's just got a girlfriend. I'm amazed he let her clutter his desk. He looks at Ted's desk and Buffy follows his gaze. There's a single picture frame on it beside the computer and nothing else. Neal: Thank God he's taking off for the wedding. Buffy: (surprised) The wedding? Neal: Yeah, he's got it set for two months from now. Believe me, I am counting the days. (spots his boss) Uh-oh, the ueber-boss. Back to the salt mines. (walks off) Buffy casually makes her way to Ted's desk, looking around to see if anyone notices her. She looks at the picture, and it strikes her as familiar. She takes it, opens up the back and pulls it out. She notices it's folded, and when she unfolds it she sees it's the picture of her and her mother from their refrigerator at home with her own face folded back. Cut to dinner at home. Buffy, Joyce and Ted are seated at the dining room table. Ted is saying grace. Ted: We thank you for what we are about to receive, and we ask that you bless this house, and help the people in it to be more productive, more considerate and more honest. Amen. Joyce: Amen. Ted and Joyce lay their napkins in their laps. Joyce takes up her fork and starts in. Ted: Well, another great day at work! How was school today, Buffy? Did you learn anything? Buffy: Quite a bit. Ted: Good for you! Well, Joycie, what do you think? Joyce: I think every home should have one of you. It's fantastic! (smiles) (to Buffy) Don't you think? Ted smiles over at Buffy. Buffy: Looks good. Ted: Well, you know, little lady, it's not just for looks, it's for building strong bodies. Buffy just sits there staring at Ted. Joyce: (looks at Buffy) Honey? Buffy: Are you two engaged? Ted raises his head in realization. Joyce: Goodness, no! Whatever gave you that idea? Ted: Now, Joycie, let me handle this. Buffy, your mother and I are taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel about that? (silence from Buffy) It's okay to have feelings, Buffy, and it's okay to express them. Buffy: I'd feel like killing myself. Joyce: Buffy! Ted: No, no, I, I told her to be honest. (to Buffy) Sweetheart, you should try and get used to me, 'cause you know what? I'm not going anywhere. Buffy: (to Joyce) May I be excused? Joyce: You can go to your room, young lady, that's where you can go. Buffy gets up and leaves the table without another word. Joyce: Ted, I (exhales) I am so embarrassed! I-I-I don't know what's wrong with her! Ted: Joycie, (takes her hand) you don't get to be salesman of the year by giving up after a couple of rejections. She'll come 'round. He smiles at her and takes his glass for a sip. Cut to the park. Buffy is sitting on a swing, tapping a stake in her hand, hoping some vampires will show up. Buffy: Vampires... Here, vampires... She exhales, frustrated that she can't work out her anger, and decides to head home. Cut inside her room. She climbs up to her window and crawls in. Inside she finds Ted waiting in a chair for her to come home. Buffy: What are you doing in here? Ted: Your mother told you to go to your room, Buffy. You and I both know she didn't mean climb out a window and go gallivanting about town. Buffy: First of all, this is *my* room, second... (sees her Slayer stuff lying on her desk) You've been going through my things? Ted: Yes, I have. Buffy: That's my personal property! How *dare* you?! Ted: I don't see how it's any different from you snooping around my office, do you? (raises her diary and reads) What exactly is a Vampire Slayer? Buffy: It's none of your business. Ted: Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing *but* my business from now on. Buffy: I think you better get out of here. Now! Ted: Or what? (stands up and steps toward her) You'll slay me? I'm real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from now on, you'll do what I say, when I say, or I show this (holds up her diary) to your mother, and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight! He starts to leave the room, and opens the door to go out. Buffy follows him and grabs hold of his hand that has her diary. Buffy: That's mine, and you are *not* leaving this room with it! Ted: Take your hand off me. Buffy: No. Ted slaps her hard, almost punching her, and makes her hit the wall. Buffy: Ohhh! (straightens back up to face him) I was *so* hoping you'd do that. She punches him squarely in the jaw, and he staggers back into the open door. He pushes himself upright and backhands her in the face, making her fall against the side of her bed and onto the floor. He picks her up by the shirt collar, but she kicks him in the shin. Joyce comes to the door to see what all the noise is about. Joyce: Buffy! Stop that! Buffy elbows him in the face. Joyce: Stop it! Buffy kicks him in the chest, making him stagger backward out into the hall, where Joyce has to quickly move out of the way. Buffy follows him into the hall and punches him in the face again. Ted trips down to the end of the hall before regaining his balance, and Buffy is there to kick him again. He spins around and falls down the stairs, tumbling to the bottom. When he hits the floor his neck sounds like it has broken. Joyce comes running down the stairs after him. Joyce: Ted... She kneels next to him and tries to shake him awake. Joyce: Ted! Ted! Buffy slowly descends the stairs. Joyce takes Ted's arm to feel for a pulse. When she doesn't find one she drops his arm and looks up at Buffy. Joyce: You killed him! Buffy stares down at Ted's unmoving body, not believing what just happened. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The foyer at the Summers house. Ted's body is zipped up into a body bag. The coroners wheel him out of the house on a gurney. Outside Buffy is sitting on the porch steps by the pillar. Joyce watches as the coroners wheel Ted's body away. She is approached by Detective Stein. Det. Stein: Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein. I'm sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased? Joyce: We were, uh, seeing each other. Det. Stein: Can you tell me what happened? Joyce: He fell. Down the stairs, he fell. Det. Stein: I see. Uh, did he slip? Do you know what made him fall? Buffy: I hit him. Detective Stein turns to look at her sitting on the steps. Buffy: I hit him. Cut to the police station. Joyce is sitting by Detective Stein's desk, waiting to find out what's going to happen. The camera pans across the room and over to her, looking apprehensive. Cut to the interrogation room. Buffy is sitting at the table, looking down while being interviewed. Buffy: He was in my room. And we got into an argument. Det. Stein: About what? Buffy: He, um... Det. Stein: Was this the first time that you two had had an argument? Buffy: (looks up) No. He threatened me. He, he said that he would slap me. Det. Stein: That was tonight. Buffy: No. But he had my diary, and I-I tried to take it back, a-and that's when he hit me. Det. Stein: Where? Buffy raises her hand to indicate her right cheek. Detective Stein leans over to have a look. Det. Stein: Well, it doesn't look like he hit you very hard. Buffy: I don't bruise easily. Det. Stein: So you've been hit before? Buffy: Yes. Det. Stein: But Ted never hit you. Buffy: I told you... Det. Stein: Before tonight, Ted never hit you before tonight? Buffy: What do you want? I-I told you what happened, I didn't mean to! Det. Stein: I believe you. Things get outta hand. He's a big guy. He writes some notes on his pad. Buffy can only watch. Joyce: Are you charging her with something? Cut to Joyce still sitting by Detective Stein's desk. Det. Stein: We're not bringing anything up against your daughter right now. She says Mr. Buchanan struck her, and if that's the case... (shrugs) Anyway, we've gotta examine it further. Right now I think you should just take her home, and the two of you should try and get some rest. Cut to the street. They're driving home in Joyce's Jeep. Cut inside the car. Buffy is looking down sadly. She glances over to her mother briefly, then out the side window. Cut to school the next day. Buffy comes into the hall from outside, and everyone seems to be looking at her as she slowly makes her way to the lounge. Cut to the lounge. Xander and Willow catch up with her. Xander: Buffy! They climb the steps up to the couches. Xander: Are you okay? Willow: How come you're here? Buffy: I couldn't stay at home. (she and Willow sit) Mom won't even look at me. Xander sits on the table facing them. Willow: What happened? Unless you don't want to talk about it. Buffy: We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it. Willow: The paper said he fell. Buffy: He fell. Hard. Xander: What was he? Buffy: What? Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature- feature here, right? Buffy looks at him a moment and then lowers her eyes. Xander: Oh man! Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it. Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will. Xander: Court? Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something? Buffy: (shakes her head) I-I don't know. Not yet. Willow looks at her sympathetically. Buffy: (eyes down) He was a person, and I killed him. Willow: Don't say that! Buffy: (looks up at Willow) Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth. Xander: It was an accident. Buffy: I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that. Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless... Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother? Xander has no response to that. Buffy: I gotta go. She gets up and leaves at a quick pace. Xander and Willow watch her go and look at each other for what to do. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes striding around the corner. Ahead of her Giles comes out of a classroom and nods to a man standing outside the door, then sees her coming. Giles: Buffy? Buffy stops in her tracks, but stays to face him. Giles: Are you alright? Buffy just looks up at him. Giles: Oh, uh, stupid question, I'm sorry. Look, i-i-if there's anything you need, of course, just, just ask. Buffy: (notices the man guarding the door) What's going on? (walks toward the classroom) Giles: Oh, you needn't worry about that. They're just asking a few questions, your, your, your behavior and... um... uh... Buffy looks into the room through the door window and sees Detective Stein talking with two of her teachers. Giles: Of course, I told them you, uh... I... Buffy quickly walks off. Cut to the library. Willow and Cordelia are at the table. Willow is surfing for information. Giles is behind them in the cage getting together some weapons. Xander is pacing. Xander: Man, this is killing me! That b*st*rd was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him... Willow gives him a look. Xander: Earlier this week. Cordelia: I thought you liked him. Xander: (steps over to her) I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty. Giles comes out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in the other. Willow: We've gotta prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen? Giles sets the bag on the table and puts the crossbow in. Xander opens his satchel to get a pen. Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a criminal record? (finds a zip-lock bag) Ooo! Cookies! Giles goes back into the cage for more weapons. Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have... Xander: What, a license to kill? (takes a bite of a cookie) Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her? Willow: Sure, in a fascist society. Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those? Willow: Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair. Giles: (comes back) Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. (adds an ax and other stuff to the bag) She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon. Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time? Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible. (heads back to the cage) Xander: So, Giles, you takin' over tonight? (takes another bite of his cookie) Giles: Um, well, Buffy's not in any shape to patrol. (comes back to the table) The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to. (adds several crosses to the bag) Willow: Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer. Giles: Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there *is* no Slayer. Xander takes another bite of his cookie. Cordelia: If you need help... Giles: No, uh, Buffy needs your help more than I. You carry on investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap as possible. (takes up the bag to go) Willow: Be careful. Giles: I-I will. (leaves) Willow: Ted's got no criminal record! Damn! This guy's like citizen of the year! Xander: Don't sweat it. It'll be fine. Willow: Don't sweat it? Xander: Yeah, cute buddy! (goes over to her) We'll work it out! (ruffles her hair) No worries! Cordelia: What happened to 'this is killing me'? Xander: (shakes his cookie at Cordelia) Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems. The cookie catches Willow's eye and she grabs it from Xander, breaking off most of it. She turns it in her hand as she looks at it. Cut to Buffy's house. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce is packing away a bunch of baking pans and bowls. Buffy comes in and stands at the door, fidgeting with her hands. Buffy: Can I help? Joyce: It's done. I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months. Do you, uh, have homework? Buffy: I didn't mean to hurt him. Joyce: I don't wanna talk about this. Buffy: Mom, please, you have to know... Joyce: I can't, not yet. Please, Buffy, just go to your room. Buffy looks like she's about to burst into tears as she turns to go to her room. Joyce waits for a moment, almost crying herself, too, then picks up the box and takes it into the basement. Cut to the science lab at school. Several cookies are sitting on a scale. Willow is staring into a microscope. Willow: Okay! Xander: What do we know? Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient (looks up from the scope) is not love. Xander: What is it then? Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy. Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! She gives him a wide smile. Xander: Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock! Cordelia: (comes into the lab) Well, your search finally hit pay dirt. You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address. (puts the printouts on the table) Xander: Well, let's check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt. They all head out of the lab. Willow grabs the printouts on the way. Cut to the park. Giles is walking slowly past some bushes, weapons bag in hand, when he's startled and spins around holding up a cross. Giles: Ah! Jenny: Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time. Giles: Jenny! What are you doing here? Jenny: I saw your car back there. I wanted to apologize. Giles: Well, now is... not the best time to go ta... Jenny: No, no, please, please, lemme just, lemme get this out. (exhales) I was sooo... harsh the other day. I am so sorry. I mean, I know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before, and... Giles: (looks past her) Right in harm's view now. A vampire comes out of the bushes behind Jenny and growls at them. Cut to Buffy's room. She's sitting at her desk facing into the room. She hears a noise. Buffy: Mom? (silence) (exhales) The hell with this. She gets up and strides over to her window. She tries to lift the sash, but it's stuck in place. She looks as it and sees the problem. Buffy: She nailed it shut. Well, it's official, this day can't get any worse. She senses something behind her and spins around to see Ted standing there. Ted: Beg to differ. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She has her back to the window as Ted confronts her. Buffy: You died. Ted: That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry? Buffy: What are you? Ted: I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter how you put him down... He grabs her by the strap of her coveralls and yanks her across the room. She falls into her desk chair. Ted: ...a good salesman always bounces back! Cut to the park. The vampire roars and attacks. Jenny screams in fright and jumps aside, so the vampire crashes into Giles, grabbing him and pulling him to the ground with him. Giles holds his cross in the vampire's face. Giles: (to Jenny) MY BAG! Jenny jumps over to the dropped bag and pulls out the crossbow. Giles struggles with the vampire and punches him in the face, but the vampire isn't fazed. Giles punches him again harder, and this time the vampire pulls away far enough for Giles to get his foot underneath him to push him off. The vampire lands on his back while Giles scrambles to his feet. The vampire jumps up and starts to wrestle with Giles. Jenny in the mean time has loaded a bolt into the crossbow and anxiously looks for an opening. They turn back and forth, not giving Jenny a clear shot. Cut to Buffy's room. She gets to her feet as Ted comes for her. She immediately kicks him in the gut and follows up with a left to the jaw. Ted flinches, but doesn't back off. Buffy punches him twice in the stomach and again in the face, but he isn't fazed, and he grabs her by the throat and backs her into and over her desk, pinning her against the wall. Ted: You see I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back. You should've seen the intern's face when I got up off the table, it was a hoot! Fun's over, though. He wraps his other hand around her throat and begins to squeeze. Cut to the park. Giles and the vampire continue to wrestle, constantly turning so that Jenny still doesn't have a clear shot. At one point the turning stops, and Jenny decides it's time for her to shoot. Jenny: Say good night, big guy! The vampire turns Giles around just as Jenny lets the bolt fly, and it hits Giles in the lower left of his back. Giles: AHHH! Jenny lowers the crossbow and looks at them, shocked by what happened. Jenny: OH, GOD! The vampire lets go of Giles and steps back. Giles grabs the shaft of the bolt and bends over in pain. Jenny: Oh, no! She bends down to the bag and searches frantically for another bolt. Vampire: (laughs) Nice shot, lady! Giles rends the bolt from his back and jams it into the vampire's chest. Jenny has found another bolt and stands back up to see Giles let go of the bolt. The vampire falls to the ground and explodes into ashes. Jenny stares in shock and relief at what she's just seen. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted tightens his grip on Buffy's throat. She looks over at her nightstand for anything to use as a weapon and reaches for her nail file that's lying there. She grabs it and stabs Ted in the left forearm with it. Ted yanks his arm away from her, slicing it open on the file as he jerks back. Buffy collapses to the floor. Ted: That wasn't playing fair, missy! He grabs his left wrist with his right hand and looks down at the wound. There are torn wires and sparks and smoke coming from it. Ted: You're gonna find... His head jerks to the right when some short circuits result from the cut. Ted: Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you're eighteen again! (his head jerks back) ...that I don't like being disobeyed! Cut downstairs. Joyce comes out of the basement with another empty box and closes the door behind her. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted hears the sound of the door closing downstairs. He kicks Buffy in the jaw, and knocks her out. He goes to her door, opens it and looks out into the hall. He gives Buffy another look as he pulls his sleeve down over the cut in his arm. His head jerks again from another short. Ted: Don't worry about me and your mother. We're gonna be very happy! He leaves the room and closes and locks the door behind him. Cut to Ted's small workshop. Xander looks in through the multi-paned window and sees the place is dark and empty. He breaks one of the panes with a crowbar and uses it to knock out the broken glass. Willow: Careful! Xander reaches in through the window and opens the door from inside. He looks in as Willow comes to stand in the doorway also, and they scan around the place with their flashlights. Slowly they walk in with Cordelia right behind them. Xander: Let's look around. Willow looks over the paperwork they have on him. Cordelia: I'll take the back. Xander: Check for cookies. Willow gives Xander a look. Xander: For evidence! Willow: So far I've counted four marriage certificates. Xander: (looks at some shelves) Any divorce papers? Willow: Not a one. Xander: So either our boy was a Mormon, or... Willow: (notices) Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted musta married young! Like pre- school young. Cordelia: (comes from the back) Nothing interesting back here. Doesn't look like anybody's worked here, let alone lived here. Xander: Something's missing here. This doesn't seem like Ted at all. Cordelia: (looks down) Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest of the decor. Xander looks down at the new-looking Oriental rug. He and Willow exchange a look. Xander steps back off of the rug and lifts it back. Underneath is a trap door.

Plan: A: one evening; Q: When does Buffy find her mother kissing a stranger? A: the kitchen; Q: Where does Buffy find her mother kissing a stranger? A: Ted; Q: What is the name of Joyce's date? A: self-defense; Q: What does Buffy kill Ted in? A: manslaughter; Q: What does Buffy believe she is guilty of? A: a serial killer android; Q: What is Ted? Summary: Buffy returns home one evening to find her mother kissing a stranger in the kitchen. Joyce's date, Ted, turns abusive with Buffy, who accidentally kills him in self-defense. Believing herself guilty of manslaughter, the Slayer is heartily relieved to learn that Ted is a serial killer android targeting Joyce as his next wife/victim.

ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Kieran is having upsetting hallucinations of Bastianna and his dead nephew Sean as Cami tries to help take care of him] KIERAN: [kneels at the sacristy for communion] This is the body. This is the blood. May they cleanse me of sin and preserve my soul in life everlasting. BASTIANNA: [sits in the pew behind him] I'd say it's a little late for that, Father. I see you still have your faith. KIERAN: [terrified] You stay away. BASTIANNA: If only it could save you, Sean. [Sean appears behind Kieran, and holds a scythe to Kieran's neck, just as he did to himself and the other seminary students] KIERAN: God, no! Aah! BASTIANNA: [holds the communion cup toward him] To life everlasting. Drink. KIERAN: [hysterical] Be gone, demon. BASTIANNA/CAMI: Come now, just one sip. [In reality, Cami is holding a glass of water, and is trying to get him to drink it as Josh holds Kieran down. Kieran, freaking out, slaps the cup out of her hand] KIERAN: No. Uh! I know who you are, you hateful bitch. [notices Josh, and believes he's his nephew] Oh, Sean, I tried to help you. I tried to save you, but this city...this city is full of monsters. JOSH: [tries to remain calm] Uh, yeah. Trust me, I know. [to Cami] Remind me to never piss off a witch. KIERAN: Aagh! [Kieran falls to the floor and begins having a seizure. Cami kneels next to him] CAMI: Help me lay him on his side! KIERAN: [calms down momentarily] Cami. CAMI: [hopeful] Uncle Kieran? KIERAN: [vecomes confused and agitated again] What do you want from me? [Kieran backs away into a corner, and Cami and Josh stand up to talk alone] CAMI: You saw that, right? It was just for a second, but it was him. [They both stare at Kieran, who anxiously grabs the cross around the neck and squeezes it] JOSH: I don't know, Cami. I mean, maybe he's still in there underneath all the crazy, but the crazy is pretty thick. CAMI: Maybe he just needs a shock to his system, something to wipe the slate clean. Josh, I think I have an idea on how to fix him. TITLE CARD & OPENING CREDITS THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [Elijah enters the study to find Klaus searching furiously for something on the bookshelf] ELIJAH: Can I help you find something? KLAUS: Yes, in fact, I believe you can. I'm looking for a book, about yay big, filled with our mother's most powerful spells. It appears to have been misplaced. ELIJAH: [sits at his desk] How very mysterious. KLAUS: Indeed. At first, I feared the witches had succeeded in their efforts to obtain it, but, considering their last attempt ended with me relieving a rather large, tattooed gentleman of his hands, I began to wonder if the thief wasn't a bit closer to home. [notices Elijah nonchalantly scribbling in a notebook] Don't make this harder than it needs to be, brother. ELIJAH: Well, admittedly, I did have a theory that your sudden interest in mother's grimoire was in some way related to whatever foolishness you've been conducting with the Crescent wolves. Therefore, I took it upon myself to carefully place it where naughty, little fingers could not pry. KLAUS: And here I thought you, of all people, would understand. I am simply trying to help those wolves! Play Samaritan to the abused, champion to the underdog, so to speak. ELIJAH: How splendidly noble of you. KLAUS: Have you ever considered that, like you, I am trying to keep Hayley safe? Using our mother's magic to empower her people so they are capable of protecting her? ELIJAH: [stands up and walks toward him] Yes, unless, of course, they decide to seek retribution for decades held in exile, and Hayley will find herself in the middle of an uprising. One that will only provoke further violence. You see, you risk turning New Orleans into a war zone, brother. I won't let that happen. KLAUS: The drums of war were beating long before we returned. I suggest you use a little less of this [makes a talking gesture with his hand] and a little more of these. [points to his ears, and smiles fakely before sitting on the couch] ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Cami is on the phone with Marcel, updating him on Kieran's condition] CAMI: Mmm-mm. No way. MARCEL: Cami, Josh told me how bad things have gotten. I should be there for you. Just let me help! CAMI: How? By getting yourself killed? You have a target on your back, Marcel. The last thing I need is for you to get hurt because of me. MARCEL: I'm more worried about you. Kieran is dangerous. CAMI: I got this. You come here, I'll throw you out myself, all right? I mean it. [Cami hangs up on him just as Josh arrives with a doctor, who is immediately horrified to see Father Kieran shackled to the heater] DOCTOR: What the hell? JOSH: Oh, ok. Yeah. Totally see how we got kind of a crime scene vibe happening here. Just don't freak out, ok? DR. SHESKI: Hi. I'm Dr. Sheski. Just gonna get your pulse. KIERAN: Aah! Hah! [Kieran is startled by the man getting close to his face, and angrily starts biting at him] MARCEL'S HIDEOUT & THE ABBATOIR [Marcel walks around his loft as he considers what he's about to do. After a moment of hesitation, he calls Klaus, who is at the Abbatoir compound] KLAUS: Think very carefully before you speak. The sound of your voice is likely to make me regret what mercy I've shown thus far. MARCEL: Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm on your "who's been naughty" list. Thing is, Cami needs you. Whatever anger you have towards me, don't make her suffer for it. She's with Kieran. [Klaus hangs up] ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Dr. Sheski continues to examine Kieran] DR. SHESKI: I'm gonna have to let the authorities know what the hell is going on here. CAMI: [anxious] Josh? JOSH: Oh, right. [starts to compel Dr. Sheski] Dude, be cool. It's just a priest hexed by a witch because of some vampires. Accept that these things are real, then forget them. I mean later. You forget them later. Crap. Ah! Ok. Let me start over. CAMI: Dr. Sheski, my uncle needs to be sedated, something strong. DR. SHESKI: Sedation? He looks like he should be in an ICU. JOSH: Yeah, see, this other witch put this boundary spell on him. So he's kind of stuck in here. DR. SHESKI: This man is malnourished, severely dehydrated-- CAMI: --Which is why you're here, but first--Doctor, what do you know about shock therapy? DR. SHESKI: ECT? First, it's incredibly dangerous. CAMI: But, it has been known to help treat cases of extreme psychosis. JOSH: Answer the nice lady. DR. SHESKI: We don't fully understand it yet, but, yes, in some patients, using electrical current to induce seizures can subvert a psychotic episode, in effect, rebooting the brain. But, only in the most extreme cases, do we even consider... CAMI: Like my friend said, we're talking about a priest hexed by a witch. I don't think it gets any more extreme than that. THE BAYOU [Hayley and Eve are in their shack, where Eve is helping Hayley prepare for giving birth] EVE: That's it. Inhale and release. HAYLEY: I guess this means no epidural, huh? You sure I can't do this thing in, say, a hospital, the place with the doctors and the drugs? EVE: Honey, the werewolves have been having babies out here since before you were born. Stop worrying. HAYLEY: Okay. Then what, Eve? I don't even know what it's like to have a mother, let alone be one. EVE: Trust me, when the time comes, you'll know exactly what to do. HAYLEY: I hope so. As fun as it is to image Klaus changing dirty diapers, I'm pretty sure that I'll be doing this alone. EVE: I somehow doubt that. [Elijah arrives at the doorway] ELIJAH: Pardon the interruption. I wonder if I might have a quick word with the conspirators of a supposed uprising. [Later, Elijah meets with Jackson and Oliver, along with Eve and Hayley] ELIJAH You're making a grave mistake. OLIVER: So, you're just worried about us. Is that it? JACKSON: Look, Elijah. We know all about your brother's reputation, but if there is even a chance that these rings can help us take control of our curse-- OLIVER: --Our gift-- JACKSON: --Then, honestly, we don't care what he's really after. Won't have to. ELIJAH: I see. There are those in the Quarter who will consider this a great provocation. OLIVER: Apparently, most of them see us breathing the same way. ELIJAH: [to Hayley] You signed a pledge, and you looked me in the eye as you did so. HAYLEY: We don't want a fight, Elijah. We just want a better life. ELIJAH: Allegiance with my brother will guarantee you anything but that. [They hear the sound of a motorbike approaching, and cut their argument short to go see who it is] JACKSON: What the hell? [Outside, a man on a motorbike rides into the encampment and stops as the group approach him] MAN: Which one of you is in charge? JACKSON: Who's asking? [Elijah notices something off about the man, and reflexively tackles him, just as the motorbike explodes. Everyone is thrown backwards in the blast] EVERYONE: Waah! [Elijah picks himself up off the ground. His clothes and skin are all singed and covered in ash. It takes a moment for Elijah's ears to heal enough to hear anything. He sees injured people all around him stumbling around, including Jackson, Oliver, and Hayley] OLIVER: Hayley, are you ok? [Hayley gets up quickly and runs over to where everyone else is. She sees a little girl standing next to a severely injured man, and immediately runs over to help] HAYLEY: [picks up the child] It's ok. Here. Come here. Oh, God. Jackson? Here. Get him away from here. JACKSON: [takes the child and walks away] Come on. ELIJAH: Hayley. HAYLEY: Elijah. [Hayley and Elijah kneel next to the injured man. Elijah lifts his shirt to find chemical and heat burns] ELIJAH: Wolfsbane. HAYLEY: It must have been in the gas tank. You're the fastest. Take him, anyone else who can't walk on their own. [Elijah looks at Hayley in concern] It's ok, Elijah. I'm fine. They need your help. [Hayley walks over to where Oliver is helping treat a werewolf who has been impaled with a tree branch] OLIVER: Just hang in there, ok? HAYLEY: [sees that Oliver is about to pull it out and runs over to them] Oliver, no. WEREWOLF GIRL: Aah! HAYLEY: Oh, God. [grabs Eve's hands] Press here. [to Oliver] Give me your shirt. [uses the shirt to make a tourniquet] Now! It's okay. EVE: [impressed] How'd you learn how to do that? HAYLEY: You get a hell of an education when you leave home at 13. That should slow the bleeding, at least until the healing kicks in. OLIVER: [stands up and throws a nearby trashcan in anger[ Oh! Rraagh! Vampires. They don't even have the guts to do their own dirty work themselves. I mean, why bother when you can just compel some poor son-of-a-bitch to do it for you? I say we hit them back! Hard. HAYLEY: [pushes him against a shack] Stay here, Oliver. I need you to look after everyone until I get back. OLIVER: Where the hell are you going? HAYLEY: If this was vampires, I'm pretty sure that I can guess who gave the order. I'm gonna go find Marcel. [She grabs a tree branch from the ground and breaks it into a stake before leaving] ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Cami, Josh, and Dr. Sheski stand around Father Kieran as Dr. Sheski reluctantly preps him for ECT] KIERAN: [to Josh] There's a special place in hell for your kind. JOSH: Not the first time I've heard that one. [Josh puts a gag in his mouth just as Klaus enters the attic] KLAUS: Well, isn't this a gruesome little scene? CAMI: Klaus, what are you doing here? KLAUS: I received an urgent call on your behalf. It seems I've been tasked with doing what your coward of a boyfriend could not. Which, by the looks of things, is dissuading you from whatever madness it is you're about to attempt. CAMI: [turns to the doctor] Are you ready? DR. SHESKI: [terrified] Please, I'm begging you, don't force me to do this. CAMI: Fine. I'll do it myself. [grabs the ECT handles and stands behind Kieran] KLAUS: Camille, your uncle is a good man. He shouldn't suffer. CAMI: He's been suffering for weeks. He's dying, Klaus. This might be the only chance he's got. [Camille places the electrodes against Kieran's temples and shocks him, as Josh, Klaus, and the doctor stand and watch uncomfortably] KIERAN: Aah! Aagh! Aagh! Ah! HAYLEY'S CAR & THE BAYOU [Hayley drives across the river, where Marcel is currently living, and calls Elijah to assure him she's okay] ELIJAH: Hayley. HAYLEY: I have to take care of something. I'll be back as soon as I can. ELIJAH: Where are you? HAYLEY: Elijah, I'm fine. Just take care of the pack while I'm gone, please? [Hayley hangs up on Elijah. Jackson approaches him] JACKSON: Is she okay? ELIJAH: Apparently, yes. JACKSON: It's a good thing that bomb went off where it did. Could've been a lot worse. We all could've got killed. [The two walk where the entirety of the Bayou wolves have congregated after the explosion, tending to the wounded and dead. Elijah considers Jackson's words for a minute, and his eyes grow wide in panic] ELIJAH: Unless... [he notices a bomb planted under an RV nearby] Get everyone out of here! Now! [Eight different explosions go off from various points in the encampments, damaging numerous people. Just as Elijah begins tending to the newly injured, another explosion, this one much larger, goes off right behind him, so he dives over a man to protect him] ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Kieran has just woken up after Cami administered ECT shocks] KIERAN: [relieved] Cami. [quickly becomes agitated again] What the hell did you do to me? CAMI: We have to do it again. JOSH: Whoa, are you serious? CAMI: That was something coherent. It's working. KLAUS: [blocks Cami from grabbing the electrodes] Doctor, see to your patient. KIERAN: [to Dr. Sheski] You get away from me. DR. SHESKI: Heartbeat is irregular. You can't keep this up. It'll kill him. CAMI: No. KLAUS: Cami, we need to have a word in private. [Klaus and Cami leave the room] KLAUS: I think you need to prepare yourself. This story does not have a happy ending. CAMI: But the treatments-- KLAUS: -- w'ill kill him. Were you to push him over the brink, I would hate for you to have to live with that, no matter how noble your aim. CAMI: So that's it, then? You just expect me to surrender? KLAUS: Maybe it's time--not to give up--to let go. CAMI: It's not your decision to make. [SCENE_BREAK] THE BAYOU [The walking wounded are treating the more seriously wounded werewolves, as well as helping dig them out of collapsed shelters and shacks. Elijah sees Jackson examining the body of a werewolf who doesn't seem to be breathing] ELIJAH: Jackson, she's gone. OLIVER: [shouting] Help! Somebody help! [He's kneeling next to Eve, who is pinned under an overturned RV] Okay. Hold on. Hold on, Eve. [Elijah sees Oliver struggling to lift the RV, and runs over to help him] Gaah! Uh! Uh! Come on, Eve. Come on. It's okay. You're gonna be okay. VAMPIRE HIDEOUT [Hayley barges into the hideout where Diego and the other vampires have been hanging out] DIEGO: You done got some nerve coming up in here, mama. [Hayley knocks Diego flat on his back, and he jumps back up and growls at her. Hayley pushes him up against a wall and shoves a stake into his chest, just missing his heart] HAYLEY: Someone attacked my pack in the bayou this morning, and since I don't see any genius mastermind-types around here...Why don't you just tell me where Marcel is, and we can both get on with our day, huh? [Diego groans and fights against her] HAYLEY: You think I'm playing? There were families out there. DIEGO: [guilty] He used to keep a place. 1917 Patterson. If he's still around, he'll be there. [She rips the stake out of her chest and takes her leave] ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Josh admires his new daylight ring as he and Dr. Sheski keep an eye on Father Kieran] JOSH: [to the doctor] Um, I wouldn't stay that close to him if I were you. He's kind of unpredictable...and murdery. DR. SHESKI: This is fascinating. Would it be possible to speak to the witches responsible? JOSH: Yeah. You don't want to do that. KIERAN: Raah! Holy Raah! Aagh! [Kieran leans forward viciously and bites his own thumb off so he can slip out of his restraints. He lunges for Dr. Shesky, but Josh manages to grab hold of him so he can't hurt anyone] JOSH: Hey! Little help in here! THE DOCKS & ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Hayley calls Klaus as she walks over to where Marcel is staying. Klaus is still helping Cami and Father Kieran] HAYLEY: Klaus, where are you? KIERAN: [to Klaus] His wrath burns against you, demon. KLAUS: I'm in a bit of a situation here, love. HAYLEY: Somebody sent a suicide bomber out to the bayou this morning. KLAUS: What? Where are you? HAYLEY: I'm in the city now. I'm fine. I figured an attack like that must have been Marcel. He's hated the wolves for years, and after that stunt he pulled with the witches...So, I tracked him down. Thought you might like to help kick his ass for trying to blow us to kingdom come. KLAUS: [to Josh] Would you get him out of here now, please? Make sure he remembers nothing. [to Hayley] Hey, listen. I assure you, once I am finished here, you will have my undivided attention. In the meantime, please stay out of trouble. HAYLEY: You don't have to worry. Elijah is with me. THE BAYOU [Jackson, Oliver, and Elijah bring Eve into her shack and lay her in her bed] EVE: Ahhhh. Oh, no. ELIJAH: [examine's Eve's wound] That wound should be healing by now. OLIVER: She never killed anyone, never activated the werewolf gene. So she can't heal, not like us. ELIJAH: My blood, it could heal her. OLIVER: Vampire blood? Trust me, she'd rather die. [beat] Look, we can't just let them get away with this. JACKSON: [stands] We don't even know who's to blame. OLIVER: The hell we don't! And if we don't fight back, they'll just do it again. [Jackson stands defiantly against him, and Oliver, frustrated, runs out of the shack] MARCEL'S HIDEOUT [Hayley barges into Marcel's loft. Marcel seems to be expecting her] MARCEL: Come on in. Have a seat. I'd offer you a drink, but..[gestures to her baby bump] HAYLEY: Sweet pad. MARCEL: Oh, it's just temporary. Friend hooked me up. Believe it or not, I still got a few of those kicking around. I need friends to keep me informed, to warn me when someone is coming looking to blame me for things that I didn't do. [smiles] For the record, you didn't have to work Diego like that. You and I are long overdue for a chat. HAYLEY: You want to talk, talk. MARCEL: Tough girl. You're a lot like your dad in that way. [Hayley stares at him] Oh, yeah. I knew him. I knew your whole family. In fact, if you knew them like I did, you'd know just how many enemies they have. Back in the nineties, it was the Crescent wolves who took over the city. Or, tried to. They lived to throw down, and they were good at it, too. They didn't care who they killed as long as they got more power. HAYLEY: So the Crescent curse was your way of stopping them? How heroic. MARCEL: It was either that, or kill them all, and I'm not big on indiscriminant slaughter. See, I have this thing about kids. HAYLEY: So I've heard. MARCEL: [smirks] Oh, you did more than hear about it, Andrea Labonair. You're living proof. ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Klaus and Cami are at Kieran's bedside when his heart monitor starts to beep] KLAUS: He's in cardiac arrest. You might want to look away. [rolls up his sleeves] CAMI: What the hell are you doing? [Klaus plunges his hand into Kieran's chest] KLAUS: Massaging his heart. His body is shutting down. Even with my help, he doesn't have much time. CAMI: Your blood. If you fed him your blood, he'd wake back up, right? KLAUS: As a vampire in transition, yes. As for the hex, perhaps his death will be a mercy. CAMI: Do it. Just do it. Please, Klaus, I can't let him die, not like this. [Cami starts to cry, so Klaus reluctantly bites into his wrist and feeds Kieran his blood. Then, Klaus removes his hand, and shortly afterward, Kieran's heart stops] MARCEL'S HIDEOUT [Marcel and Hayley are still talking about Hayley and her family] HAYLEY: How long have you known who I am? MARCEL: I saw how interested you were in those Crescents. After your little family reunion out at the old plantation house, I started to put two and two together. HAYLEY: Tell me something, Marcel. Did you kill my parents? MARCEL: There was infighting among the wolves. Your folks were laying low. Somebody turned on them. I honestly don't know who. I got there afterwards, found you in your crib. HAYLEY: Give me one good reason why I should believe anything that you have to say. MARCEL: Believe whatever you want, but you were the last Labonair. I mean, could've been a lot of leverage for our side, but instead, I took you to Father Kieran. [Marcel pulls out a duffel bag and hands it to her] HAYLEY: What's that? MARCEL: Money mostly, stuff you need to start over someplace safe. Whatever happened in the bayou, I'm not your guy. But, the way things are going? Eventually, I might have to be. HAYLEY: So this is your grand plan? Get me out of town, and Klaus and Elijah follow closely behind? MARCEL: I can't say that wouldn't be a positive side effect. HAYLEY: So why don't you leave? Follow your own advice? MARCEL: I was born here, Hayley. HAYLEY: So was I. [Hayley gets up and goes to leave. Before she walks out the door, Marcel stops her] MARCEL: Guy on the bike? The bomber? Word is, he had a gambling problem. Owed money to the casinos--more importantly, to the humans who run them. And Hayley? When things get bad, remember, I tried to get you clear of it again. ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Klaus and Cami are waiting for Kieran to wake up] KLAUS: I'm afraid I have to go. CAMI: What happens next, after he wakes? KLAUS: He'll be in transition, craving blood, but I'll be back before then. CAMI: He's gonna be furious with me. He's a priest. I turned him into a vampire. What kind of desperate move is that? KLAUS: Well, you know as well as I do, love. He'll never go through with it. Turning him wasn't the goal. It was to give you a chance to say good-bye. CAMI: Klaus, will you stay just a little longer? KLAUS: [considers it for a moment] Of course. THE BAYOU [Elijah stands outside and stares at a lake near the encampments. He walks past several dead bodies before entering the shack they're using as a makeshift hospital] JACKSON: Is this the peace you promised? ELIJAH: I gather my brother believes he can remove your curse. JACKSON: Klaus was offering us freedom, not just from the pain that comes with turning, but from the contempt we've faced our whole lives. ELIJAH: And what about Hayley? JACKSON: I want to make this place right for her. Safe, for her and the baby. ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Kieran awakens in bed in the attic, as Cami and Klaus stand at his bedside] KIERAN: Cami, what happened? The hex I could feel it like a living thing inside of me. [he looks at his hand; his hex mark is gone] It's gone. [Cami is so happy, she hugs him and starts to cry] KIERAN: [notices his other hand, whose thumb has been bitten off] Oh! Oh my god! KLAUS: Yes, you've had a trying day, Father. How best to break it to you? It appears the hex was broken by your death. KIERAN: Back up. I died? For how long? KLAUS: A few hours, give or take. CAMI: I'm sorry. I just couldn't lose you, not like that. I made Klaus give you his blood. KIERAN: I see. So the devil has a deal for me, after all. CAMI: Uncle Kieran...that hunger you feel, it'll only grow stronger. KIERAN: I know how it works. KLAUS: Then you will soon know if you do not feed, you will die. KIERAN: I know if that's the choice that I have to make, I'm dead already. Please leave me with my niece. I'd like a private moment to talk with her. CAMI: It's okay. Klaus, thank you for today, for being kind. THE BAYOU [Oliver sits at Eve's bedside] EVE: Hey, Ollie, how do I look? OLIVER: You look fine, Evie. You look just fine. EVE: You always were a terrible liar. OLIVER: Damn it. Look. All you got to do is just trigger the curse. You'll heal. It's who we are. It's who you are. Why can't you just accept that? Why can't anyone see what needs to be done? Living here like animals, fighting between tribes, scared to stand up for ourselves. Who's gonna lead us, Jackson? He wants to bow down to that hybrid. Hayley? She's not one of us. At least now, we have an enemy to hate. EVE: [suddenly understands who was behind the attack] Oliver, no. Tell me you didn't... OLIVER: You don't understand. EVE: Then explain it to me, Ollie. I know you. I know you wouldn't hurt your own people. OLIVER: Look. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, Evie. I just wanted to make a little noise, just get our people mad, but I didn't agree to all this. They stabbed me in the back, and now.. EVE: Who? Who put you up to this? [becomes angry] You stupid kid. Do you have any idea what the pack is gonna do to you when they find out? OLIVER: They're not gonna find out, Evie. If they did, all those people would have died in vain. I had to do whatever it took to make us strong. EVE: [scared] Ollie, no. OLIVER: I've got to do that even now. [He picks up a pillow] EVE: Ollie, it's all over now. No! No! Oh! Ollie! OLIVER: I'm sorry, Eve. [Oliver pushes the pillow over Eve's face and smothers her to death] EVE: Mmph mmph! ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Cami is helping Father Kieran make his final preparations] CAMI: Everything is where you said it would be except that key you mentioned. That's the one thing I couldn't find. It's the one you usually wear around your neck? KIERAN: That key is a very important part of our family legacy. You have to find it. CAMI: I will, I promise. KIERAN: I am so sorry. I never wanted to involve you in this, in any of it. CAMI: This can't be how it ends. KIERAN: It was the only way it was ever going to end. I made peace with that a long time ago. Listen. I don't know how bad this is gonna get, and I don't want you to see it. So, in a moment, I'm gonna let go, and you are gonna turn around, and you are gonna walk out of here without looking back. Okay, kiddo? Promise me. Without looking back. [Cami walks out of the attic, sobbing, as Kieran tearfully watches her go] THE BAYOU [Outside, a bonfire burns as Oliver is passionately trying to convince everyone to fight back against the vampires, using his manufactured stunt. Elijah watches him speak as Hayley joins him] OLIVER: [shouting nearby] They are counting on our doubts. That's right! Yeah! They are counting on our fears! That's right! Right! HAYLEY: [to Elijah] You stayed. OLIVER: Come morning, they will know that we are not cowards. HAYLEY: [confused] What's going on? What is he doing? OLIVER: We are not afraid! ELIJAH: He's making a move for power in the wake of tragedy. He's not alone. There was another attack after you left. HAYLEY: What? [Hayley rushes into the shack, where Jackson is sitting with Eve's dead body, devastated] ELIJAH: [voiceover] Your friend Jackson will need your help. They will want vengeance. Blood for blood, And, unfortunately, in troubled times, people do not look for the best. But rather the loudest. OLIVER: Hey! Hey! THE CAULDRON [Klaus visits Genevieve at the Cauldron after leaving Cami and Kieran] GENEVIEVE: I'm surprised to see you here. KLAUS: The bayou explosion, the attack on my child. Tell me what you know. GENEVIEVE: I know the wolves have no shortage of enemies. Marcel, for one. KLAUS: Marcel wouldn't stoop so low. The witches, however... I have witnessed firsthand the depths of your cruelty. GENEVIEVE: You don't think I did this? What kind of monster do you take me for? How ugly I must seem next to the pure, innocent glow of your precious Camille. So sad about her uncle, by the way. KLAUS: Kieran is in transition. He has been released from the hex. GENEVIEVE: A hex of that magnitude? Kieran's hex will return... If it hasn't already. ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [As Kieran is dying, he begins having hallucinations about Sean again. He pulls a blade out of a cross, and is about to slit his throat when he hallucinates Bastianna again] BASTIANNA: No! Not yet, priest. There's more work to be done, a final offering to complete your penance--that which you hold most dear. THE CAULDRON GENEVIEVE: That boundary spell, on the other hand, now that he's died, I imagine it won't be quite so confining anymore. [Klaus glares at Genevieve, who smirks] ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [Cami is waiting downstairs in the main room of the church when Kieran comes down to find her] CAMI: Have you changed your mind? KIERAN: [evilly] Yes. It appears I have. [Kieran pulls out his knife and slices at Cami's arms as she tries to run away] CAMI: Oh! Aah! Aah! [He chases Cami up into the balcony. Kieran licks the blood off of his blade, and fully vamps-out. Left with nowhere else to go, Cami throws herself off the balcony and falls onto the ground below. She crawls in between the pews as he stalks after heri] KIERAN: Don't fight it, Cami. In death, we are whole again. CAMI: Ah! Aah! BASTIANNA: Bless her, father. Kill her. SEAN: Rejoice in life eternal. [After much fighting, Klaus appears out of nowhere and kills Kieran in order to save Cami] KLAUS: You deserved far better than this. MARCEL'S HIDEOUT [Marcel receives a phonecall from Klaus] MARCEL: Klaus, you need to know I had nothing to do with that business out in the bayou today. KLAUS: I never thought you did. I'm calling to let you know the priest is dead. Your exile is suspended for the next 24 hours. You may return to the Quarter to bury your friend. MARCEL: Why are you doing this? KLAUS: [referencing Cami] She woke in the dark not knowing where she was, or who was watching over her. It was your name she called, and if you can grant her comfort, so be it. [As he speaks, we flashback to Klaus carrying a battered Cami home to her apartment. Klaus opens her front door to allow Marcel entry, and he to Cami's bedroom to comfort her. Klaus watches them both sadly from the living room] THE BAYOU [Hayley cries and kisses Eve's hand before leaving the shack. Outside, she finds Oliver continuing to rile up the rest of the wolves] OLIVER: Look, I know where I'm going. If any of you want to follow, hey, that's up to you. That's up to you! MARCEL'S HIDEOUT [Marcel comes downstairs to find Diego and Josh in his living room] MARCEL: Kieran is dead. [to Josh] Did you get it? JOSH: [sighs and reluctantly hands a key on a necklace to Marcel] It was around his neck, just like you said. [frowns] P. S. I do not feel awesome about this. MARCEL: I know But people are gonna be coming after this. Cami is not ready for that, not yet. DIEGO: So, what now? MARCEL: Storm clouds are gathering. [pours each of them a drink] Someone bombed those wolves, and we know it wasn't us. Witches, humans, vampires, wolves. City is at a breaking point. We need to be ready. [They all drink] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [Klaus joins Elijah in the study] KLAUS: First Marcel's massacre, now bombs in the bayou. I'll assume you're ready to give up this doomed treaty. ELIJAH: This alliance with the wolves, well, if it is to succeed, I believe you'll want this. [He hands Klaus Esther's grimoire] KLAUS: Seems I have Hayley to thank for your change of heart. ELIJAH: [pours them drinks] The rifts in this city run far deeper than I even imagined, Niklaus. These tribes, these factions--they're families, families who choose to fight. Mayhem has descended upon our home, and if I'm to choose a side...[hands Klaus a drink, and holds his out to toast them] To our victory, brother. Wiki

Plan: A: Kieran; Q: Who does Cami want to help? A: Cami; Q: Who insists on an unconventional treatment for Kieran? A: a violent episode; Q: What does Cami's good intentions lead to? A: Elijah; Q: Who makes a trip to the bayou? A: the Crescent Wolves; Q: Who do Klaus and Elijah disagree about? A: a horrific explosion; Q: What does Elijah witness in the bayou? A: Jackson; Q: Who helps Elijah save the wounded? A: Hayley; Q: Who learns a surprising piece of her family history from Marcel? Summary: Desperate to help Kieran, Cami insists on an unconventional treatment, but her good intentions lead Kieran to a violent episode. After Klaus and Elijah disagree over the best way to handle the Crescent Wolves, Elijah makes a trip to the bayou, where he is witness to a horrific explosion that only adds to the hatred and mistrust among the communities. While Jackson and Elijah work to save the wounded, Hayley learns a surprising piece of her family history from Marcel.

THE PIRATE PLANET BY: DOUGLAS ADAMS Part Three Running time: 25:47 [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Pralix? Pralix, what? GUARD: We will kill them. Kill them all. KIMUS: Pralix, what have they done to you? PRALIX: Hurry. The force wall will not last long. ROMANA: They're on our side. DOCTOR: I thought as much. KIMUS: But I don't understand. DOCTOR: Exciting, isn't it. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Master? MULA: What is it? K9: The Mentiads have located Doctor master. They're approaching. MULA: How can you tell? I didn't hear anything. K9: The Doctor master has very distinctive heartbeats. Estimated time of arrival twenty one point nine seconds. MULA: I can't get over the Mentiads. All my life I've been taught to hate and loathe them. K9: The Doctor would not have instructed me to conduct you to them if he had not thought it safe. Twelve seconds. MULA: But how could he possibly know? K9: My subsequent analysis of their brainwave patterns indicated no malice when they attacked him. MULA: You mean they slammed him to the wall with good vibrations? K9: Affirmative. Arrival imminent. DOCTOR: Hello, K9. Surprised to see us? K9: Amazed, master. DOCTOR: There you are. Didn't I say he'd be amazed? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Captain? Captain, sir. We were attacked in the mines. The Doctor has escaped with the Mentiads. CAPTAIN: With the Mentiads? CAPTAIN: Incompetent fools. [SCENE_BREAK] MENTIAD: Doctor, did you bring us the understanding we seek? For generation upon generation, our planet has been assailed by a nameless evil. We would know it's name. DOCTOR: Its name's the Captain. You know that. Why haven't you kicked him out? MENTIAD: Because his evil is beyond our comprehension. Strange images haunt our brains, and yet, when a new Mentiad presence appears amongst the people, we know we must find him and protect him. PRALIX: They found me just in time. MENTIAD: With each new Mentiad we grow stronger, but still the understanding evades us. We're constricted by the people's hatred. DOCTOR: A gestalt. A telepathic gestalt! KIMUS: A g what? K9: Many minds combine together telepathically to form a single entity. ROMANA: The power of a gestalt is enormous. PRALIX: Can you help us, Doctor? We are powerless unless we understand. Can you tell us what's happening to Zanak? DOCTOR: Yes. Zanak's just a shell of a planet, a complete hollow. PRALIX: Hollow? DOCTOR: Yes, but very rarely empty. Now, listen. There are vast transmat engines hidden underneath the Captain's mountain. ROMANA: Yes. They make the entire planet suddenly drop out of the space dimension. Vanish. MULA: Vanish? Is that possible? DOCTOR: Yes, but you don't notice that, you see, because you're part of it. Now listen. At almost the same moment it vanishes, it rematerialises in another part of the galaxy around another, slightly smaller, planet. ROMANA: In this case, a planet called Calufrax. DOCTOR: Yes. So your planet ROMANA: Zanak. Just helping you along, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. So your planet MULA: Zanak. DOCTOR: Yes. Having materialised around the other planet, smothers it, crushes it, and mines all the mineral wealth out of it. MULA: Just like an enormous leech. DOCTOR: Yes. KIMUS: And that's when the lights change. MULA: The omens! DOCTOR: Yes. The omens mean the death of another planet. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: By the blood of the sky demon, we've been queasy fools. We should have obliterated the Mentiads years ago and rid ourselves of their sickly power. FIBULI: But Captain, we have tried many times in the past. CAPTAIN: And failed, Mister Fibuli, and failed. FIBULI: Captain, you said yourself it was a question of priorities. CAPTAIN: I said! You dare to lay the rotting fruits of your own incompetence at my door? FIBULI: Captain, in your wisdom, you observed that whilst the Mentiads lay dormant with no leader and no purpose, we were well enough protected. CAPTAIN: But now they will not be leaderless. Now they will have a clear purpose. FIBULI: But sir, the means to destroy them is at last within our grasp. The planet Calufrax is rich in voolium and madranite one five. That's what we came here for. CAPTAIN: Voolium and madranite one five. That is true, that is true. FIBULI: The vibrations of the refined crystals can be harnessed to produce interference patterns which will neutralise their mental power. CAPTAIN: And leave them defenceless, as weak as ordinary men. Obliterable! Excellent, Mister Fibuli, excellent. Your death shall be delayed. FIBULI: Oh, thank you again and again, sir. Your goodness confounds me. CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli, how soon can you be prepared? FIBULI: Ah. Well, if we put all the automated mining and processing equipment on the planet on to full power, sir, we could reduce the entire planet of Calufrax within, er, hours. Of course, the machinery will be dangerously overloaded, and the CAPTAIN: That matters not a quark, Mister Fibuli. Speed is of the essence. The Mentiads will be moving even know. Do it on the instant and this time there shall be no escape. Hurry. Hurry, I say! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: So Zanak was a happy, prosperous planet? PRALIX: Yes, till the reign of Queen Xanxia. MENTIAD: May her spirit be accursed. PRALIX: She had some kind of evil powers. The legend says she lived for hundreds of years. DOCTOR: Come on, that's not necessarily evil. I've known hundreds of people who've lived for hundreds ROMANA: Shush, Doctor. DOCTOR: What? ROMANA: Please carry on. K9: Master. DOCTOR: Shush, K9, shush. Please carry on. PRALIX: Queen Xanxia staged galactic wars to demonstrate her powers. By the time she'd finished, Zanak was ruined. When the Captain arrived there was hardly anyone left. MENTIAD: Just a few miserable nomadic tribes. DOCTOR: Hmm. Tell me, how did he arrive? MENTIAD: The legend speaks of a giant silver ship that fell from the sky one night with a mighty crash like thunder. The Captain was one of the few survivors. DOCTOR: And needed pretty extensive surgery, by the look of him. I wonder who did that? PRALIX: I don't think anyone knows. K9: Master? DOCTOR: Not now, K9, not now. Go on. MENTIAD: The Captain took charge of Zanak. He persuaded the people to work for him. KIMUS: Golden ages of prosperity. Huh. Pampered slavery more like. MENTIAD: For some of us, terrible agonies of the mind began. DOCTOR: Yes, well, they would for someone who was telepathic. KIMUS: Why, Doctor? Do you know? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I do. You were absorbing what you would call the life force from the plundered planets. PRALIX: What is the life force? DOCTOR: Well, er, well, it's quite difficult to explain simple terms, but basically, Romana? ROMANA: Every atom of matter in the universe has a certain amount of energy locked inside it. Now, with something the size of a planet, there's an enormous quantity. DOCTOR: Oh, enormous. ROMANA: So every time Zanak crushes a planet, it releases all that energy. Now, some of it will be on psychic wavelengths. DOCTOR: Right. ROMANA: So every time it happens, there's a fantastic blast of psychic energy, enough to smash open the neural pathways of anyone with telepathic abilities, like you Mentiads. DOCTOR: That's right. You Mentiads were absorbing all that power into your brains. ROMANA: Yes. MENTIAD: And each planet as it dies, adds to that power. The power by which it will be avenged. K9: Master? DOCTOR: What is it, K9? K9: My seismograph detects enormous increase in mining operations round the whole planet. Every mining machine is now working at full pressure. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: By the left frontal lobe of the sky demon, Mister Fibuli, I used to be one of the greatest hyper-engineers of my time. FIBULI: Of all time, Captain. Your reconstruction of this planet is proof of that. CAPTAIN: It is not scale that counts, but skill. Now, the ship from which most of the major components were salvaged, the Ventarialis, now there was a ship. CAPTAIN: The greatest raiding cruiser ever built. And I built it, Mister Fibuli, I built it with technology so far advanced you would not be able to distinguish it from magic. FIBULI: All the same, sir, this must be one of the great engineering feats of all time. A hollow, space-jumping planet? CAPTAIN: This planet? This vile, lumbering planet? Devil storms, Mister Fibuli, you are a callow fool. Do you not see how my heart burns for the dangerous liberty of the skies? Plunder, battle, and escape! My soul is imprisoned, bound to this ugly lump of blighted rock, beset by zombie Mentiads and interfering Doctors. FIBULI: But what can they do to you, Captain? CAPTAIN: Enough! They shall die! By the flaming moons of hell, they shall die. Find me those crystals, Mister Fibuli. FIBULI: Aye, aye, Captain. As soon as we can, sir. CAPTAIN: I shall be avenged. NURSE: Oh, good. I see you've found some occupational therapy, Captain. It's a good thing not to let your old skills die. CAPTAIN: I assure you, my old skills are very much alive. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well, they say you can fool some of the people all of the time. Let's see, shall we? DOCTOR: I really must stop doing this. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. GUARD: Hold it. DOCTOR: Hands up. GUARD: Get out. [SCENE_BREAK] FIBULI: Captain, sir! Captain, they've caught the Doctor! CAPTAIN: Splendid, Mister Fibuli. FIBULI: He was trying to steal an aircar, but one of our guards managed to immobilise it. We've sent another aircar to pick them up, which means in the end CAPTAIN: Trivia, Mister Fibuli, trivia. Have the guards managed to open his vessel yet? FIBULI: No, sir. It is proving remarkably difficult. Nothing they can do will even mark it. CAPTAIN: Fools. Incompetent cretins. FIBULI: But we have located a potential source for PJX one eight. CAPTAIN: Ah. Better, Mister Fibuli. FIBULI: We can manage one more jump under our present conditions, sir. If we made it to that planet, we could mine it for PJX one eight and then make our own repairs. CAPTAIN: We will mine it. Prepare to jump as soon as the voolium and madranite one five crystals have been produced. FIBULI: I feel I should point out, Captain, that it is a heavily populated planet. CAPTAIN: Show me the chart. FIBULI: It is here, sir, in the planetary system of the star Sol. The planet Terra. CAPTAIN: Ah yes. A pretty planet. FIBULI: It looks a pleasant world, Captain. CAPTAIN: Then it will be pleasant to destroy it. FIBULI: Yes, sir. I will make arrangements. NURSE: Another planet, Captain? CAPTAIN: Another planet. NURSE: Then the objective will soon be reached. CAPTAIN: It will. Ha! It will indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Master. K9: Contact. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Have I told you my plan? No more janis thorns. No more janis thorns! I think it should work really quite well. I think. Argh! DOCTOR: Good morning. CAPTAIN: So, Doctor, you have discovered the little secret of our planet. DOCTOR: You won't get away with it, you know. CAPTAIN: And what makes you so certain of that? DOCTOR: At the moment, nothing at all, but it does my morale no end of good just to say it. I've been tied to pillars by better men than you, Captain. CAPTAIN: Ah, but none, I dare guess, more vicious. DOCTOR: Vicious? Ha. Don't panic, Kimus. Don't panic. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: We have lift off. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What are you doing it for, Captain? It doesn't make sense and you know it. I can understand the life of a full-blooded pirate, the thrill, the danger and the derring-do, but this? Hidden away in your mountain retreat eating other people's perfectly good planets, where's the derring-do in that? CAPTAIN: Silence! DOCTOR: You're just trying to shut me up. You can't kill me while I'm helpless. CAPTAIN: Oh, can't I? DOCTOR: No, you can't, because you're a warrior, and it's against the warrior's code. You should have thought of that before you tied me up. CAPTAIN: By the hounds of hell DOCTOR: Hard to listen, isn't it, Captain, when someone's got a finger on a nerve. What is it you're really up to? What do you want? You don't want to take over the universe, do you? No. You wouldn't know what to do with it, beyond shout at it. CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli! FIBULI: Yes, sir. CAPTAIN: No. Release him. FIBULI: But Captain. DOCTOR: He said release me. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: My trophies, Doctor. Feast your eyes on them, for they represent an achievement unparalleled in the universe. DOCTOR: What are they? Tombstones? Memorials to all the worlds you've destroyed? CAPTAIN: Not memorials. These are the entire remains of the worlds themselves. DOCTOR: You come here on the wanton destruction you've wreaked on the universe. CAPTAIN: I come in here to dream of freedom. DOCTOR: Did you just say the entire remains of the worlds themselves? CAPTAIN: Yes, Doctor. Each of these small spheres is the crushed remains of a planet. Million upon millions of tons of compressed rock held suspended here by forces beyond the limits of the imagination. Forces that I have generated and harnessed. DOCTOR: That's impossible! That amount of matter in so small a space would undergo instant gravitational collapse and form a black hole! CAPTAIN: Precisely. DOCTOR: What? But Zanak would be dragged into a gravitational whirlpool CAPTAIN: Why doesn't it? Because the whole system is so perfectly aligned by the most exquisite exercise in gravitational geometry that every system is balanced out within itself. Which is why we can stand next to billions of tons of super- compressed matter and not even be aware of it. With each new planet I acquire, the forces are realigned but the system remains stable. DOCTOR: Then it's the most brilliant piece of astro-gravitational engineering I've ever seen. The concept is simply staggering. Pointless, but staggering. CAPTAIN: I'm gratified that you appreciate it. DOCTOR: Appreciate it? Appreciate it? What, you commit mass destruction and murder on a scale that's almost inconceivable and you ask me to appreciate it? Just because you happen to have made a brilliantly conceived toy out of the mummified remains of planets CAPTAIN: Devil storms, Doctor! It is not a toy! DOCTOR: What's it for? Huh? What are you doing? What could possibly be worth all this? CAPTAIN: By the raging fury of the sky demon, you ask too many questions. You have seen, you have admired. Be satisfied and ask no more! FIBULI (OOV.): Captain, sir. Come quickly, please. The Mentiads, they're on their way. CAPTAIN: Excellent, Mister Fibuli. Excellent. Guards. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: It's a long climb up there. PRALIX: Don't worry, we'll make it. MULA: I hope Kimus and the Doctor managed to break into the engine room without getting caught. PRALIX: We're in trouble if they haven't. ROMANA: The Doctor knows what he's doing. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Would you like to put me down? CAPTAIN: Put him down. CAPTAIN: We're preparing to meet your friends the Mentiads. The poor misbegotten fools who are going to attempt to storm the Bridge. DOCTOR: That should be fun. KIMUS: What? DOCTOR: Kimus, are you all right? KIMUS: What? DOCTOR: For goodness sake, get him down. He hasn't done you any harm. Captain? CAPTAIN: You do it. CAPTAIN: By the bursting suns of Banzar, Mister Fibuli, where are my crystals? KIMUS: Doctor, where, where are we? DOCTOR: We're on the Bridge. KIMUS: The Bridge? What's that? DOCTOR: That's your beloved Captain. KIMUS: But I DOCTOR: Shush. Don't make any noise. The Mentiads are on their way here and he's got no power against their psychic strength. KIMUS: What's that machine he's DOCTOR: Oh, it looks like a psychic interference transmitter. KIMUS: A what? DOCTOR: Well, it's a sort of machine for neutralising psychic power. CAPTAIN: Wag your tongue well, Doctor. It is the only weapon you have left. DOCTOR: Nonsense, Captain, nonsense. To make that machine work you'd need a collection of the most rare crystals. CAPTAIN: Yes? DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Voolium. CAPTAIN: Voolium? DOCTOR: Madranite one five. CAPTAIN: One five. DOCTOR: And as far as I know, they occur naturally on only one planet, and that's FIBULI: Captain, the crystals from FIBULI + DOCTOR: Calufrax. DOCTOR: My biorhythms must be at an all time low. CAPTAIN: Excellent, Mister Fibuli, excellent. You see, Doctor, your friends are doomed. DOCTOR: They are? CAPTAIN: And so are you. We need not delay your death any longer. By the curl-ed fangs of the sky demon, I've looked forward to this moment. KIMUS: You hideous, murdering maniac! DOCTOR: No, no, no. Don't, don't. CAPTAIN: Avitron, kill. DOCTOR: Come back, K9! Come back! DOCTOR: Come on. CAPTAIN: Stop them! Stop them! [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: What's this place? DOCTOR: Never mind about that. Let's find another way out. DOCTOR: Get back. DOCTOR: Here it is. KIMUS: Locked? DOCTOR: Yes. KIMUS: We're trapped. DOCTOR: Never. DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: No, don't. Those are the time dams. KIMUS: What, you mean they stop time? DOCTOR: Not completely, but they can slow down the flow of time in the space between, given enough energy. KIMUS: That's repulsive. What is it? DOCTOR: That's your beloved queen, Xanxia. KIMUS: What? No, no, Xanxia's dead. DOCTOR: Oh no, she's not. She's suspended in the last few seconds of life. KIMUS: You mean she can hear me? But I just called DOCTOR: No, she can't. KIMUS: Does she know we're here? DOCTOR: No. Not while she's between those two things there. [SCENE_BREAK] NURSE: How much longer must we wait? CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli? FIBULI: Sir? CAPTAIN: Prepare to prise open the door. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: To find enough energy to fuel those dams, you'd need to ransack entire planets. KIMUS: So whole other worlds have been destroyed with the sole purpose of keeping that alive? DOCTOR: Yes. There must be something more to it than that. KIMUS: Even more? DOCTOR: Yes. Would you go to those lengths just to stay alive? KIMUS: Not in that revolting condition, no. DOCTOR: No, not in that condition, but in what condition? What? Shush. DOCTOR: K9! Look at that. K9: Master. DOCTOR: You're a good dog, K9. A good dog? You're a hero! K9: Congratulations are unnecessary, master. DOCTOR: Isn't that marvellous? KIMUS: Well, it's certainly a relief, but how are we going to get out of here? DOCTOR: I've got a job for you two. Now listen. Over there, there's a service elevator. It must go down to the engine room. KIMUS: So? DOCTOR: So? So you and K9 are going down in the lift to the engine room to sabotage the engines, all right? K9: Affirmative, master. DOCTOR: Good. Off you go then. KIMUS: What about you? DOCTOR: I'm going to see to the Captain. DOCTOR: Ready, Captain? [SCENE_BREAK] FIBULI: Here, give it to me. I'll do it. GUARD: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: All right, all right, all right, I give up. CAPTAIN: So, Doctor, you have survived. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid I seem unable to break the habit. CAPTAIN: And your colleagues? DOCTOR: My colleagues (thumb down) CAPTAIN: Excellent. And my Polyphase Avitron? DOCTOR: I'm sorry about that, but it was becoming an infernal nuisance. CAPTAIN: Destroyed? By the great parrot of Hades, you shall pay with the last drop of your blood. Every corpuscle, do you hear? Mister Fibuli. FIBULI: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: Er, Captain, I think you'd better hear what I have to say first. Ahem. I mean, I think when you hear what I've got to say, you'll change your mind. FIBULI: Guilty. DOCTOR: Please listen. CAPTAIN: Guilty. DOCTOR: Please, listen! CAPTAIN: Guards. CAPTAIN: A plank. The theory is very simple. You walk along it. At the end, you fall off, drop one thousand feet. Dead. DOCTOR: You can't be serious. Is he? DOCTOR: Captain, you don't realise what you're doing. If you just listen to me CAPTAIN: I shall listen to you when I hear you scream. DOCTOR: But please. DOCTOR: But CAPTAIN: Bye, bye.

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who takes Romana down to investigate the mines? A: the planets mines; Q: Where does the Doctor take Romana? A: unexpected help; Q: What does the Doctor get when the Captains guards show up? A: the Captains guards; Q: Who shows up to confront the Doctor and Romana? Summary: The Doctor takes Romana down to investigate the planets mines and gets unexpected help when the Captains guards show up to confront them.

COLONY IN SPACE BY: MALCOLM HULKE 6:10pm - 6:35pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL MORGAN: (Shouts.) Take cover! (The IMC men dive for the safety of some packing cases and firing commences. The room is filled with the sound of shots and it is a colonist on the staircase who is the first to fall. Several shots from WINTON avenges him as an IMC man falls. CALDWELL, stood to one side of the entrance door, is the only one not firing. WINTON suddenly retreats from the battle and moves towards the back of the dome, intent on some new purpose. As the battle continues, the DOCTOR and JO run out of the dining hall and into the safety of the radio pen. The DOCTOR directs JO to stand behind the door of the pen.) DOCTOR: Now you stay here! I've got to try and stop this senseless killing somehow! (The MASTER steps forward, a gun in his hand. The DOCTOR and JO jump at the sound of his voice.) MASTER: It won't do any good, Doctor. They just won't listen to you. It's always the innocent bystanders who suffer. DOCTOR: And what's that supposed to mean? MASTER: I'm afraid you're both about to become the victims of stray bullets! (His raises his gun and points it at the defenseless pair but ASHE suddenly appears outside the doorway to the pen.) ASHE: Winton! Winton! (The MASTER quickly drops his gun to his side as ASHE spots him and runs into the pen.) ASHE: (To the MASTER.) You've got to stop this! DOCTOR: I agree. Don't you agree, Adjudicator? ASHE: You must do something. (Meanwhile, WINTON has made his way out of a back entrance to the dome and now appears in the main doorway behind DENT. He places his rifle against DENT'S back.) WINTON: Tell your men to surrender. (DENT hesitates.) WINTON: Tell them! (DENT drops his own handgun and raises his hands.) DENT: Drop your guns! (The IMC men follow his example and stand with hands raised. The colonists step forward and collect their weapons.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. MAIN DOME WINTON: Now take them away and keep them under guard. (The colonists start to lead the IMC men into the dome.) COLONIST: Move! (WINTON is left with one colonist.) WINTON: Right, take some men. Get over to the IMC spaceship and lock the rest of the crew in their quarters. (The man nods and runs off out away from the dome.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (The DOCTOR and his party emerge from the radio pen. JO and MARY look over the dead and wounded who remain.) JO: Let's go and see if we can help with the wounded. MARY ASHE: Okay. (They run off as WINTON walks in triumph up to ASHE, the DOCTOR and the MASTER.) WINTON: Well, we've done it. ASHE: You've made us look like criminals! You do realize that, don't you? DOCTOR: You seem to have achieved a temporary victory, young man. What do you think is gonna happen next? WINTON: Now we declare this planet's independence. I'm sure that some people from Earth would want to join us. MASTER: (Contemptuously.) What, join you in starvation on this miserable planet? (WINTON and another COLONIST with him look at the MASTER with indignation.) WINTON: We no longer need your services here, sir. (To the colonist.) Escort the Adjudicator back to his spaceship. (The COLONIST nods and steps forward but...) MASTER: I think you do need my services. WINTON: Why? MASTER: Unless you want Earth to send a space fleet to wipe you out, you need someone to adjudicate for you. ASHE: Then you are willing to help us? MASTER: Yes, I am. (He steps towards an impassive looking WINTON with his full authoritative air back in place.) MASTER: Mind you, I think that you've acted very...foolishly, but...I've been impressed by your courage and determination. Now, Ashe and I have had what could be a very fruitful discussion. WINTON: What discussion? You'd already decided against us. MASTER: Well it appears that this planet of yours has some claim to preservation on the grounds of historical interest. Now, if I could investigate those claims, things could be very different. WINTON: Investigate? MASTER: Yes. I should like to go to the Primitive City. (The DOCTOR has heard enough. He speaks urgently to ASHE.) DOCTOR: I urge you not to trust this man - he's an imposter! ASHE: My dear Doctor, how can you possibly know that? DOCTOR: I tell you that he's not the Adjudicator! If he wants to go to the Primitive City, it's for some purpose of his own. (The MASTER turns to him.) MASTER: Can you substantiate these accusations? (The DOCTOR looks uncomfortable as he searches for an answer, then...) DOCTOR: Why don't you check his credentials with Earth? MASTER: Ah... (He steps up towards the DOCTOR.) MASTER: Talking of credentials, might we see yours? DOCTOR: Don't be absurd! MASTER: (To ASHE.) I understand this man is not one of your colonists? ASHE: Well, no, he just... "arrived" here. MASTER: Does anybody know who he is? Where he came from? Has he in fact given a proper account of himself? (ASHE and WINTON look at each other, their suspicions of the DOCTOR growing.) MASTER: Exactly. Well now, gentlemen, I think we can continue our discussion...uninterrupted. (He smiles and walks through the radio pen back towards ASHE'S office.) ASHE: I'm sorry, Doctor. (ASHE follows the MASTER. The DOCTOR goes up to WINTON as JO comes down the staircase.) DOCTOR: I repeat - do not trust that man! WINTON: Doctor, at present I have no reason to trust either of you. All I'm worried about is getting Dent and his friends off this planet. (WINTON walks off out of the dome. JO goes up to a pensive DOCTOR.) JO: Doctor, what's happening? DOCTOR: The Master has them eating out of his hand. JO: Did you tell them who he really was? DOCTOR: I tried to. JO: And they didn't believe you? DOCTOR: No, why should they? I've got to get some real evidence. JO: Huh, where do we find that? DOCTOR: In his TARDIS, perhaps? JO: I didn't see the Master's horse box here? DOCTOR: My dear Jo, a TARDIS can change its shape, you know. He changed his to look like the Adjudicator's spaceship. JO: How do we get in? (The DOCTOR holds up a key.) DOCTOR: With this. Don't you remember? When the Master first came to Earth, I got a hold of the key to his TARDIS. I always thought it might come in useful. (JO smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (The door to the control room opens and WINTON leads the IMC men in with other colonists escorting them from the back.) WINTON: Come on, move! COLONIST: In you go! Go on! In! WINTON: Right, you're leaving! Your arms and ammunition are in our hands. Start getting ready for take-off. DENT: (Coldly.) And when we get back to Earth, I'll send a fleet to wipe you out. WINTON: Oh, don't be too sure. The adjudicator's changed his decision. He's on our side now. MORGAN: (Shouts.) You're lying! Why should he?! WINTON: You'll see. (Harshly.) Now get off this planet! (WINTON and his men walk out. CALDWELL has a barely concealed smile.) CALDWELL: Well, you seem to have lost this one, Dent. DENT: Not yet. Caldwell, go and release the guards. Morgan, contact Earth. I want a check on this Adjudicator - priority red-one. (MORGAN moves to the radio.) CALDWELL: Why? What's the use? DENT: I gave you an order, Caldwell. (CALDWELL, still smiling, moves off. The radio set bleeps before MORGAN can use it. He switches it in.) MORGAN: (Into radio.) IMC spaceship? WINTON: (OOV: Over radio.) By the way, Captain Dent, I've taken some explosive from your store and placed it under your ship. Unless you take off immediately, it will be detonated. Winton out. (The radio goes dead. DENT is as cold as ever but a note of admiration creeps into his voice.) DENT: A very resourceful young man. MORGAN: He's bluffing. DENT: I don't think so. MORGAN: (Shocked.) You're giving in! (DENT stares at MORGAN but doesn't answer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The doors to the MASTER'S TARDIS buzz open and the DOCTOR and JO stand on the threshold.) JO: You're right, Doctor. It is a TARDIS. DOCTOR: Yes. A slightly more advanced model, actually. (The two step slowly forward but the DOCTOR hears a bleeping noise.) DOCTOR: Jo, stop. Don't move. (He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and switches it on. A low droning buzzing emits from it.) DOCTOR: There's an alarm beam here somewhere. Now move back very slowly one pace. (JO does so.) DOCTOR: Now stand quite still. (He reaches forward with the sonic screwdriver. The buzzing noise it emits increases in tone.) DOCTOR: There it is. (He lowers his arm towards the ground. A tiny red light in a photoelectric cell shines out of a small hole in the lower part of one of the doors.) DOCTOR: This doesn't give us much room to get under - about a foot. Right, get very flat, on the ground. (The two lie down, the DOCTOR on his side and JO on her back.) DOCTOR: All right? JO: Yeah. DOCTOR: Quite flat. (The two start to shuffle into the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: ... That's it - wriggle away. That's it. Well done. (They have almost made it past the door. JO gasps with the uncomfortable movement.) DOCTOR: Well done, come on. Come on, Right, stay there. Stay there. (Seeing that they have gone beyond the reach of the door, he gets to his feet.) DOCTOR: Right, give me your hand. (The DOCTOR pulls her to her feet.) DOCTOR: Good, well done Jo. Right, let's see what we can find before the Master gets back. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: SPACE (The IMC spaceship hangs in orbit above the bleak orb of Uxarieus.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (The planet appears on a large wall monitor watched by DENT and MORGAN in their command chairs.) DENT: Maintain parking orbit. (MORGAN presses a switch near to his chair.) MORGAN: Parking orbit stabilized. (There is the sudden noise of a signal.) MORGAN: Message from Earth control. DENT: Get it, Morgan. (MORGAN gets up and crosses to where a teleprinter type machine is busy chattering away. The print out shows a couple of messages of text underneath a photograph of a man dressed in a similar collar to the elaborate one the MASTER wore earlier. DENT and CALDWELL follow MORGAN.) MORGAN: It's that identification check you wanted on the Adjudicator. CALDWELL: Well, that can't be much help now, can it? (MORGAN rips off the paper and passes it to DENT.) DENT: It might. (DENT looks at the photograph.) DENT: Whoever that man is, down on that planet, he isn't the Adjudicator. MORGAN: Well, you'd better contact Earth! DENT: And admit we've been made fools of? We'll handle this ourselves. Prepare to go into...landing orbit. (MORGAN smiles and goes to carry out the order.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The decor of the interior of the MASTER'S TARDIS is slightly different to that of the DOCTOR'S. In the middle wall are two large upright tube-like capsules. On the left-hand wall are a series of filing cabinets and it is these that the DOCTOR and JO are rifling through now, pulling out file after file. The DOCTOR shows interest in one of the files.) DOCTOR: Ah... JO: What is it? (JO joins him.) DOCTOR: It's a mineralogical survey report about this planet. JO: Do you think he's after that duralinium stuff like the IMC people? DOCTOR: (Correcting JO.) Duralinium. (JO moves off to another cabinet.) DOCTOR: There's a lot of other survey reports here too. He's visited a lot of planets recently. He must be looking for something. (JO pulls out a small plastic wallet from her cabinet. It contains a color photograph of the man pictured on the IMC report.) JO: Doctor, look. These must be the real adjudicator's credentials. (The DOCTOR comes and takes it from her.) DOCTOR: Ah ha. Now that's more like it. Well done, Jo. I'll look after these if you don't mind. JO: Aren't you going to show those credentials to Ashe? DOCTOR: Yes, of course I am. But I'd like to find out why the Master came to this planet. (He turns back to his cabinet. JO gets nervous and moves over to the door to look outside.) JO: Oh, Doctor. Do come on. (She inadvertently crosses the alarm beam...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (The MASTER rushes into ASHE'S empty office and shuts the door. He takes a small flat round bleeping device out of his pocket and sits at the desk. He opens the device, the bottom half of which is a small screen showing what is taking place inside his TARDIS. The door to the office opens and ASHE walks in with a large map.) ASHE: Well, this is the last of our... MASTER: (Interrupting.) Just a minute, Ashe. (The MASTER closes the device and lowers it out of view of the colonist. He presses a large red button on the lid of the device.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Inside the TARDIS, a wall port opens and gas starts to quietly emit. JO is still stood in the doorway and calls over to the DOCTOR who is absorbed in a file.) JO: Doctor, please hurry up! The Master might come back. DOCTOR: I'm coming, Jo. (He looks up and sees where she is standing.) DOCTOR: Jo, you're standing in the alarm beam! (JO gasps and rushes back in. Suddenly, the gas starts to affect her and she starts to cough.) JO: Doctor...I can't breathe...! (The DOCTOR also starts to cough as the doors to the TARDIS close. The DOCTOR looks round and sees the wall port.) DOCTOR: Gas! (He staggers over to it but collapses before he can reach it. JO also falls to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (The MASTER is still sat at the desk as ASHE shows him the map.) ASHE: This is the area surrounding the Primitive city. MASTER: But you have no map of the City itself? ASHE: Well, we never go there. It's too dangerous. MASTER: So really, nobody knows exactly what's in there? ASHE: Oh yes, the Doctor does. MASTER: (Surprised.) Why did he go there? ASHE: He went to get Jo Grant. The Primitives had taken her. Err, shall I go and get him for you? MASTER: No, no. That won't be necessary. (The MASTER gets up.) MASTER: I think I know where he is. (He walks out of the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (The IMC ship is on a descent back to the planet. DENT and MORGAN are back in the command chairs.) DENT: Keep main retrorockets steady. MORGAN: Thirty meters - descent rate at minimum. DENT: Activate landing stabilizers. (The rocky wastes of a range of hills appear on the wall monitor.) MORGAN: Landing stabilizers in position. DENT: Report on altitude. (The noise of the ship increases as it comes in to land.) MORGAN: Twenty meters...fifteen meters... (On the monitor, dust is thrown up as the ship reaches the ground.) MORGAN: Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five... (MORGAN and DENT brace themselves...) MORGAN: Three...one... (The ship judders as it lands.) MORGAN: We have contact. DENT: Cut motors. (They relax as MORGAN activates controls. DENT and MORGAN get up and step down into the main body of the control room where CALDWELL is sat. DENT speaks into the intercom.) DENT: (Into microphone.) Send in the security guard leaders. (He switches off the intercom.) DENT: We have no time to waste. CALDWELL: Suppose the colonists are waiting for you? MORGAN: They won't be. CALDWELL: They could have seen us come down. DENT: Impossible. We've landed on the other side of a range of hills. MORGAN: That's why we landed here. (The door to the room hums open and three helmeted security guards enter the room. They stand in line as DENT addresses them.) DENT: We've landed approximately fifty kilometers from the colonists' main dome. MORGAN: We can be there is two and a half hours. It'll be dark by then. DENT: Thank you Morgan. You've been defeated and disarmed by a group of farmers. Now is your chance to wipe out this black mark on your records. (CALDWELL is lounging in a chair behind DENT.) CALDWELL: (Cynically.) That's very inspiring. DENT: Your reputation's at stake as well, Caldwell. (DENT turns back to the guards.) DENT: Our objective is a simple one - to avenge our humiliation and put paid to these colonists. CALDWELL: But just remember - they've got the guns. (DENT turns and gives CALDWELL his coldest stare. CALDWELL tries to return the look but soon lowers his eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR still lies unconscious on the floor of the MASTER'S TARDIS. Its owner places a small gas mask over the DOCTOR'S face. There is a hiss of gas and the DOCTOR starts to come round.) MASTER: Well, Doctor, still pursuing burglary, eh? Hmm! You know, when you stole my dematerialization circuit, I decided to build in a few precautions. (He laughs.) (He gets up and goes over to JO who lies still on the other side of the room. The DOCTOR, somewhat weakened, turns over and looks towards his companion. He watches as the MASTER picks her up and cradles her head.) DOCTOR: What have you done...what have you done to her this time? MASTER: The same as I did to you - a simple sleep gas. Mind you, I could just have easily used a lethal one. DOCTOR: What stopped you? MASTER: I want to use your services as a guide, Doctor. You're going to take me to the Primitive City. DOCTOR: What do you want there? MASTER: That's no concern of yours - but you will do what I ask? DOCTOR: I take it that Miss Grant is to be held here as a hostage. (The MASTER laughs quietly.) DOCTOR: You know, you really are most unimaginative. MASTER: Ah, tried and true methods are the best. (He holds the gas mask near to JO.) MASTER: Well, Doctor? (The DOCTOR looks downwards realizing that he is beaten for now.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (NIGHT) (ASHE is still looking over the map. WINTON, his rifle slung over his shoulder, enters the room.) WINTON: Where's the Adjudicator? It's time we sent him back to Earth. (ASHE'S manner is cold with WINTON.) ASHE: I don't know. WINTON: Where is he Ashe? ASHE: I think he went to see the Doctor. WINTON: There's no sign of either of them. Now what are they up to? ASHE: Oh, perhaps they went to the Adjudicators spaceship. WINTON: I've just radioed to it and there's no reply. (ASHE looks at WINTON but then continues to look over the map, showing that he is not interested in WINTON'S problems. WINTON walks over to where a collection of IMC weapons have been dumped.) WINTON: When are you going to issue these IMC guns to our people? ASHE: I'm not. WINTON: I want these guns issued, Ashe! ASHE: Those monsters were faked and the IMC men have gone. Those are military weapons. We don't need them. WINTON: What if the Earth government send troops? ASHE: (Shouts.) If the Adjudicator helps us, it should never come to that! (WINTON realizes not to push the argument further.) WINTON: Very well. I'll go and check up on the guards. (He leaves the office. ASHE slams the desk in anger.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. MAIN DOME (NIGHT) (WINTON walks through the entrance hall to the outside where two COLONISTS, supposedly on watch, lounge in the doorway.) WINTON: Yes, well try not to nod off altogether! We've still got the Primitives to worry about, you know. (He storms off into the night. One COLONIST calls after him.) COLONIST: You worry too much, Winton. (While his back is turned, an IMC man quickly grabs the other. The first COLONIST turns and sees that he is alone. He looks cautiously into the gloom.) COLONIST: Tony? Tony? (He pulls his gun out but MORGAN suddenly appears before him and clubs him to the ground. He picks up the gun that the COLONIST has dropped and then turns and beckons to another IMC man to follow him. They stand at the edge of the doorway and peer into the darkened entrance hall...) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (NIGHT) (...where two colonists walk down the staircase and off into the dome's interior, unaware that they are being watched. After they have gone, MORGAN and the other IMC creep into the hall, moving cautiously behind the staircase and some packing boxes, then behind the radio pen from where they beckon to the outside. On this signal, DENT and two more IMC men appear in the doorway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (NIGHT) (ASHE looks up as the door of his office opens. He sees the two IMC uniforms.) ASHE: (Astonished.) How did you...? (MORGAN and the IMC man walk in. The second IMC man immediately makes for the guns.) ASHE: Why have you come back here? MORGAN: To reclaim our property. ASHE: You're to leave those where they are! MORGAN: Get them! ASHE: What are you going to do? MORGAN: You'll find out. (To the IMC man.) Cover him. (The IMC man does as instructed as MORGAN goes to the door to the office and signals to the other men.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (NIGHT) (DENT and the other men move quickly through the hall and towards ASHE'S office.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (NIGHT) (They silently enter the office. ASHE sits despondently in his chair.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. MAIN DOME (NIGHT) (WINTON returns from his check of the guards and finds the COLONIST coming round on the ground. WINTON helps him and calls into the night.) WINTON: Guards! Over here, quick! (Two colonists come from around the edge of the dome. One of them helps the recovering COLONIST while WINTON and the second man enter the dome.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (NIGHT) (MORGAN makes for the dump of weapons. He selects one, discards it and chooses another, checking its magazine is full. He speaks to one of the IMC men.) MORGAN: Come with me. (The two men leave the office. The two other IMC men grab weapons and follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (NIGHT) (MORGAN and the IMC men go through the radio pen for cover. WINTON and the other colonists are already behind the packing cases near the entrance and firing immediately commences with the positions taken by the opposing sides almost the opposite to the previous engagement. Once again, shot after shot rings out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (NIGHT) DENT: (To ASHE.) Get up! (ASHE gets wearily to his feet. DENT twists his arm behind his back and pushes him towards the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (NIGHT) (Ducking for safety behind ASHE, DENT pushes him through the radio pen and towards its open doorway to the remainder of the entrance hall, next to MORGAN.) DENT: Hold your fire! (The colonists see the IMC men's hostage and stop firing.) MORGAN: If you want your leader alive, drop your guns! (The colonists slowly drops their weapons and step forward, hands raised. The IMC men and ASHE come out of the radio pen.) WINTON: (With disgust.) And you said we didn't need those guns, Ashe! DENT: (To MORGAN.) Well done. MORGAN: It was a pleasure. DENT: (To the IMC men.) Make sure the rest of the dome is secure. Round up any strays and take their guns. (He looks at ASHE.) DENT: Take good care of him. We must have him fit for the trial. ASHE: Trial? What trial? WINTON: And what are you going to charge us with? Trespass? DENT: No - treason. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The next morning, the MASTER looks on his scanner at the grey rocks outside. He puts his gun on the console, flicks a switch and moves to where the DOCTOR and JO stand in the two upright tube-like capsules. However, before opening the door to the DOCTOR'S capsule, the MASTER casts a glance back at his gun, changes his mind with a smile at the DOCTOR and moves back to collect his weapon. Having done so, he goes back and opens the DOCTOR'S capsule.) MASTER: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Doctor. But it's light now. We can set off. (The DOCTOR nonchalantly steps out of his capsule.) MASTER: Doctor, let me show you this. (The MASTER shows him the device, which he used in ASHE'S office earlier. He points to the red button on the lid.) MASTER: I just have to press this button on here...and Miss Grant's cubicle will immediately be flooded with lethal gas. (The DOCTOR looks over to where JO stands in her cubicle watching them, then turns back to the MASTER.) DOCTOR: You realize, of course, it can be extremely dangerous taking you to the Primitive city? MASTER: Don't worry about my welfare, Doctor. Keep thinking of Miss Grant's. (He steps back to the console, his laser gun in his hand all the time. He activates a control and the doors to the TARDIS open. He gestures for the DOCTOR to step outside and he does so after one last look at JO. The MASTER follows him outside leaving the forlorn looking girl in her cubicle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. MASTER'S TARDIS (Outside, the zigzag edge of the interior doors match those on the outside "hull" of the disguised Adjudicators ship. Whilst waiting for the MASTER to emerge, the DOCTOR silently drops the key to his adversary's TARDIS to the ground.) MASTER: Right Doctor, the buggy is over there. (He points in one direction and they walk off, the DOCTOR at gunpoint, leaving the discarded key on the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (Another session is taking place in the entrance hall of the dome, but this time it is a trial. One table faces ASHE and WINTON who stand in IMC handcuffs. DENT stands before the two men and the joins MORGAN at the table. Various colonists - including MARY ASHE - and their IMC guards watch the proceedings.) DENT: As legally appointed governor of this planet, I declare this court in session. Morgan? (MORGAN stands and reads from a sheet of paper. ASHE and WINTON look impassive while CALDWELL watches with a guilty expression.) MORGAN: You are charged with destroying property and equipment belonging to the Interplanetary Mining Corporation, assault and murder of IMC personnel, trespass on a planet lawfully allocated to IMC and armed rebellion against the lawful representatives of the Earth's government. How do you plead? (WINTON jumps forward...) WINTON: This whole business is a joke! (...but an IMC man pushes him back.) DENT: I advise you to take it very seriously. Have you anything to say in your own defense? ASHE: (Angrily.) Everything we've done has been provoked by you! This planet is rightfully ours! WINTON: The only mistake we made was not killing you when we had the chance! DENT: You will do yourself no good by this hostile attitude - nor by repeating slanderous allegations, which have already been dismissed by the Adjudicator. ASHE: Well, why isn't the Adjudicator taking this trial? What right have you to sit... DENT: (Interrupts.) You still don't realize the position, Ashe. The Adjudicator's authority passed to me when he made his decision. I am now the legal ruler of this planet. Now for the last time, have you anything to say? ASHE: I agree with Winton - this trial is a farce! DENT: I take it you admit the charges? WINTON: We've admitted nothing! (DENT checks from a file in front of him.) DENT: On three of these charges, you could be sentenced to life imprisonment. On two you could be sentenced to death. (ASHE and WINTON start to look concerned.) DENT: The sentence is...execution. (The two colonists look at each other.) DENT: However, the sentence will be suspended on condition that you and your followers depart this planet immediately. ASHE: But that's impossible! DENT: The alternative is execution. ASHE: You don't understand. That spaceship was old when we bought it. It won't survive another trip. DENT: The trial is now concluded. (DENT stands. ASHE dashes forward to plead with the man.) ASHE: If you send us up in that spaceship, you're condemning all of us to death! DENT: You will make preparations for lift off immediately. (He walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. UXARIEUS (An IMC buggy, driven by the DOCTOR with the MASTER in the passenger seat, moves swiftly across the planet. Unseen by the two men, a Primitive observes them from high on a ledge. It raises its spear above its head with both hands and uses it to signal to others of its kind and then points at the buggy. On other high ledge, two further Primitives signal back. Mean while the buggy comes to halt as the DOCTOR sees an obstruction ahead.) DOCTOR: Yeah, well, you stay there - I'll go and shift that irrigation pipe. (He climbs out of the buggy.) MASTER: Doctor? I hope you're not going to try anything clever? Remember Miss Grant? DOCTOR: I'll remember. (The DOCTOR hears a noise and looks upwards. Two Primitives are levering a large boulder off the edge of a ledge above them.) DOCTOR: Look out! (The MASTER climbs quickly out of the buggy before the rock hits, knocking the vehicle onto its side. The DOCTOR runs forward to examine it as the MASTER steps back towards him, laser gun raised as always.) MASTER: Don't forget that you're still my prisoner. (The DOCTOR makes an impatient grimace and then spots something on a cliff ledge high above the MASTER. It is a Primitive raising its spear. The DOCTOR points.) MASTER: Oh, come now, Doctor. Not that old trick. (Nevertheless, the MASTER looks, sees the danger and fires his gun at the Primitive. The end glows red and the creature tumbles down the cliff face. The MASTER rejoins the DOCTOR.) MASTER: Is that what you're frightened of, Doctor? Savages hurling stones and spears? DOCTOR: This is just the beginning. MASTER: Well, maybe. Let's be on our way, shall we? (The DOCTOR gestures at the buggy.) DOCTOR: What? With this? Somewhat clapped out and broken, isn't it? MASTER: In that case, we'd better walk. DOCTOR: Why not? (The two men move off, watched by another gesturing Primitive.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (MARY ASHE is on the radio, sending a message to all the colonists.) MARY ASHE: (Into radio.) By order of Captain Dent, all colonists must be on the ship one hour before blast off. There can be no exceptions. Each of you can bring luggage to weigh not more than seven kilos. (CALDWELL walks into pen, carrying a piece of paper. MARY finishes her message and takes off her headphones. CALDWELL looks guilty and uncertain.) MARY ASHE: Satisfied? CALDWELL: I don't arrange these things. MARY ASHE: Did you check our ship? CALDWELL: Yes, I've looked over it. It's not what I call brand new. MARY ASHE: (Snaps.) It was obsolete when we bought it! CALDWELL: You know, I don't understand you people... MARY ASHE: (Interrupts.) Anything's better than living on Earth! CALDWELL: You mean risking your lives coming to a place like this? MARY ASHE: Look, that ship of ours will never make another journey - you must realize that! CALDWELL: I've checked the motors. They'll be all right. MARY ASHE: Would you blast off in it? (CALDWELL hesitates and has difficulty in looking MARY in the eye.) CALDWELL: You'll make out. MARY ASHE: (Shouts.) We won't and you know it! (CALDWELL tries to walk off but MARY blocks his way.) MARY ASHE: (Tearfully.) If you don't help us, we're all going to die! (CALDWELL pushes past the distraught girl. Meanwhile DENT and MORGAN march back into the dome from the outside, past two saluting guards.) MORGAN: I've checked every inch of the dome! There's no sign of him! DENT: I want to see this fake Adjudicator. He's playing some game of his own and I must know what it is. Have you tried his ship? MORGAN: The hatches are sealed. (DENT sees the waiting CALDWELL.) DENT: Caldwell, go with Morgan. Get inside that ship. Use explosives if you have to. (DENT moves to go, but...) CALDWELL: Give me a moment. (DENT waits.) CALDWELL: I've just been checking over the colonists' spaceship. DENT: Well? CALDWELL: Ashe is right. It's in pretty bad shape. There's a fair chance it may blow up on the ground! (DENT considers and then turns to MORGAN.) DENT: Make sure all IMC personnel are clear of the area before take-off, will you? (He gives CALDWELL and hard look and then walks off.) MORGAN: Well, Caldwell? We've got a job to do. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. PRIMITIVE CITY ENTRANCE (The DOCTOR and the MASTER approach the concealed rock door.) MASTER: Well? DOCTOR: This is it. This is the entrance. MASTER: Is it? How do we get in? DOCTOR: I haven't the remotest idea. (The MASTER raises the device with which he can kill JO.) MASTER: (Threateningly.) Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. MASTER'S TARDIS (CALDWELL tries a device on the door to the MASTER'S TARDIS watched by MORGAN.) CALDWELL: No good. Nothing seems to shift it. MORGAN: Well, we'll have to use explosives then. (CALDWELL starts rummaging in a toolbox. While he is waiting, MORGAN spots the discarded key.) MORGAN: Hey, wait a minute. Try this. (He hands it to CALDWELL who looks it over and then inserts it in the lock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The doors buzz open and the two IMC men stare into the strange interior. CALDWELL is about to step in.) MORGAN: Wait. (Guns ready, the two men cautiously enter the TARDIS. As they do so, they see JO silently pleading and warning from inside her cubicle.) CALDWELL: Look, that girl! (They rush to open the cubicle, unaware that they have tripped the alarm.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. PRIMITIVE CITY ENTRANCE (The MASTER'S device starts to emit a signal.) DOCTOR: What's that bleeping noise? (The MASTER flips open the lid and sees JO and her "rescuers".) MASTER: Someone's trying to rescue Miss Grant. (He closes the lid and raises his finger above the button.) DOCTOR: No, you can't! MASTER: (Harshly.) I warned you, Doctor! DOCTOR: No! (The MASTER'S finger comes down...)

Plan: A: the colonists; Q: Who does the Master offer to help? A: the Primitive city; Q: What does the Master want information on? A: the Doctor; Q: Who does the Master force to act as a guide? A: Jo hostage; Q: Who does the Master take hostage? Summary: The Master offers to help the colonists in exchange for information on the Primitive city and forces the Doctor to act as a guide by taking Jo hostage.

[Scene: Aviva's room. Aviva puts a small statue on the rug in front of her. She is also in front of the mirror. Aviva is dressed in black and has black candles lit around her. All but one. She lights it. She then gets into meditating position.] Aviva: Come to me Kali. I conjure thee Kali. Come to me Kali. I conjure thee Kali. (In the mirror, Kali appears.) Kali: I'm here Aviva. Aviva: It's been over a week. Kali: I know. Be patient Aviva. Aviva: But I've done everything that you've asked. I've followed the Halliwell sisters. I know their every move. Kali: Which will all become valuable in good time. You must trust me. You must make them want you as badly as you want them. (Aviva looks at the closet.) Aviva: I talked to my mom today. Kali: How is she? Aviva: I don't know. She's better I think. I miss her. Kali: She's gonna be so proud of you. Aviva: Yeah? I hope so. Kali: Are you ready to receive your power? Aviva: (giggling a little) You know I am. Kali: Remember, it's a sacred power. If I give it to you, you must use it only as I say. Aviva: I will. I promise. Kali: Very well. Reach for the mirror. Put out your hands. Feel the power. (Aviva reaches her hands towards the mirror. Aviva's hands begin to glow. She receives the power. Her hands stop glowing and she puts them down.) You know what to do. Go to Phoebe, Piper, and Prue. (Aviva grabs her coat and leaves. We see flames in the mirror. Kali appears as her evil demon self.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper is sitting in the chair holding REWARD flyers for Kit. Leo walks in. He moves the fireplace screen from the fireplace and looks in the fireplace and sticks a tool up at it.] Leo: Uh well I think I see yep. There's definitely something here. Piper: (to herself) Definitely. (Phoebe enters the living room with a mug of coffee and makes her way around the sofa while saying this.) Phoebe: Oh my. Santa, you've changed. Piper: He's looking for Kit. Phoebe: The cat. Right. Four legs and fur. I remember. (Mouthing to Piper) Oh my god! (Leo gets up from the fireplace.) Leo: Sorry. You know, have you tried the shelter? Piper: Yeah. Nothing. Leo: Well, she had her collar on right? With your number on it and everything? Phoebe: A very distinctive collar actually. Piper: Anyway (She stands up.) Uh, thanks for looking. I'm sure you must be hungry after all that work. Leo: All what work? (Phoebe laughs a little and puts her arm around Piper.) Phoebe: Oh, that's just Piper. She's gotta be everyone's mom. Think of her as your mom. I know I do. (They all laugh a little.) Piper: Isn't she a scream? Leo: Well thanks, um let me go put up these flyers first and I'll be right back, OK? (He bumps into the fireplace screen.) Phoebe: Oh careful. Leo: Oh. Piper: You all right? Leo: Yeah. Yeah. I'll just (He puts the fireplace screen back.) Piper: Antique. Phoebe: Grandma's. Piper: Yeah. (Phoebe and Piper watch Leo leave.) Phoebe: Oh. Quite possibly the finest glouths in the city. Piper: In the state. Phoebe: In all the land. Piper: I saw him first. Phoebe: Uh-uh. Piper: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Oh. [Scene: Street. Leo hangs a flyer on a sign and walks by a car. Aviva is in the car. She watches Leo leave and then turns around to look at the flyer. It burns. She smiles.] Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper takes a cinnamon roll out of the microwave and puts it on a plate. She then pours a glass of milk. Leo is at the foyer on a later.] Piper: Humph. (She takes the plate and glass out of the kitchen.) [Cut to foyer. Piper comes out of the kitchen with the cinnamon and milk. She goes to Leo.] Piper: Here you go Leo. Non-fat milk right? (She gives Leo the glass of milk and cinnamon.) Leo: Right. Thanks. Piper: Just don't call me mom. (Phoebe and Prue are coming down the stairs.) Phoebe: Trust me. One hot night is all you guys need to get back on track. (They walk to the foyer.) Prue: Yeah. I hope you're right. Phoebe: Andy's a cop. You're a witch. Piper: Ahem. Phoebe: Except complications. Prue: Hey, Leo. How's it going? Leo: Good. Uh, this wall only needs two coats and then I gotta do the molding and then I'm done. Phoebe: Ah, are you sure it doesn't need 3 coats? Leo: Uh Piper: Nice outfit for 9 o'clock in the morning with no place to go. Phoebe: Hmm. I'm glad you like it. (Leo drinks some milk.) Oh. Leo. Come here. (She wipes the milk mustache off her face.) Got milk? Prue: Uh Phoebe, come here. (Phoebe doesn't) Phoebe! (She grabs Phoebe's arm and heads towards the kitchen.) [Cut to kitchen. Prue and Phoebe come in.] Prue: I think that Piper likes Leo. (She goes and gets a mug and begins making coffee.) Phoebe: What's not to like? He's a great guy. Prue: No. I mean really likes him. Phoebe: Your point being? Prue: Never mind. Classic Phoebe. Phoebe: Wait. Define that. Prue: I think you know. Phoebe: Okay. Look Prue, I think we need to put some major closer on this or we're gonna be in rocking chairs slurping oatmeal out of rubber spoons and I'm still gonna hear about Roger. (Piper enters to get coffee.) Piper, am I a boyfriend thief? Piper: Totally. Phoebe: Besides Roger, whom again Prue, I never touched. Piper: My boyfriend. Billy Wilson. (Phoebe laughs a little.) Phoebe: Billy Will Eight grade Billy Wilson? Piper: You kissed him at homecoming. Phoebe: No I did not kiss him at homecoming. I was helping him find a contact lens. Piper: Oh please. You were all over him with your breasts all whatever. Phoebe: I didn't even have breasts back then. Piper: Phoebe, you've always had breasts. Prue: So, I think I'll just let you two work this out on your own. But, um, just remember, I get the house tonight. Just Andy and me. No warlocks, no innocents to protect and especially, no sisters. (Prue leaves.) Piper: So you know it's not like either one of us has a problem finding guys. Phoebe: (Snorts) Please. Piper: So if one of us got Leo it'd be OK with the other one. Phoebe: Absolutely. Piper: So we can just consider this a friendly competition. Phoebe: Sibling rivalry. Piper: War. Phoebe: Exactly. [Scene: Aviva's room. Aviva is lying on her bed writing in her diary while listening to music.] Aviva: Dear Diary (Aunt Jackie knocks on the door.) Aunt Jackie: Aviva, open the door. Aviva: Life sucks here. Aunt Jackie: I'm gonna be late for work. (Aunt Jackie opens the door. Aviva puts her diary under her bed and sits up.) Aviva: So that part about this being my room, that was a lie? Aunt Jackie: It's my apartment Aviva. Aviva: So you keep reminding me Aunt Jackie. Aunt Jackie: Why don't you get some light and air in here? (She goes to open the curtain. Aviva stands up.) Aviva: Because I like it dark and stale. (Aunt Jackie stops and turns around.) Aunt Jackie: Why are you so antagonistic to me? Aviva: How come you haven't called my mom yet? Aunt Jackie: What? Aviva: To see how she's doing, or just to say "hello"? It would help her you know. I mean, it's not like she's got a lot of family. Aunt Jackie: She has to take responsibility for her own actions. Aviva: She's not in jail. She's in rehab. She didn't do anything wrong to take responsibility for. She's sick and that's it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Aunt Jackie: Whatever. (She leaves. Aviva slams the door close.) [Scene: Video store. Andy and Prue are searching for a video.] Andy: Ah, ever see "Lethal Weapon 3"? Prue: Not very romantic. Andy: Right. (He puts the video back.) Prue: Hey. (Prue shows her the video) How about "Double Indemnity"? Andy: (Whispering) It's black and white. Prue: (Whispering) Right. (She puts it back. A video store clerk comes to them.) Video store clerk: Video prarallises. Prue: Excuse me? Video store clerk: You're probably two minutes away from leaving without a rental. Mind if I help? After all, I am a pro. Andy: Sure. (Video store clerk leaves.) Doesn't matter what we pick anyway. We'll probably never get around to watching it. Prue: Oh yeah? Pretty cocky. (Andy walks to her.) Andy: Actually what I meant was something always seems to come up. Get in our way. Prue: That's not true. OK, well, maybe it's sometimes true, but there's always a perfectly good reason. Andy: Prue, there's never a perfectly good reason. As a matter of fact, there's never usually even a reason at all. Good, bad, or otherwise. Prue: All right. (She moves closer to him.) You me alone tonight. Nothing and I mean nothing will get in our way. Guaranteed. Andy: I'll hold you to that. Prue: (Whispering) OK. (They kiss. The video store clerk comes up to them with a video.) Video store clerk: I got it. (Prue and Andy stop kissing.) "Body Heat". Prue/Andy: We'll take it. [Scene: Aviva's room. Aviva is in front of her mirror.] Aviva: I conjure thee Kali. (In the mirror, Kali appears.) Kali: I'm here Aviva. Aviva: I'm going crazy here Kali. I can't wait any longer. Kali: The Halliwells' don't understand our way. They don't know the full uses and joys of their powers. Aviva: I'll show them. Kali: You must gain their trust first. You must let them welcome you into their coven. Aviva: I won't disappoint you. I swear. Kali: Then it's time. (The closet door opens. Aviva goes to it and gets Kit.) Take the cat back to the Halliwells'. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper looks into the foyer from the dinning room and sees Leo sanding down something. She pretty herself up and then goes over to Leo.] Piper: About done for the day? Leo: Just about. Piper: Uh well, Prue's got a date so we kinda gotta clear out. I was thinking about catching a movie. Wanna go? Leo: I can't do it. (He goes to another corner of the room.) Piper: OK. Leo: You know these are original to the house. I mean, they really should be sanded down, finished off with steal wool, and and restrained. Not covered in paint. Piper: Oh, right. Sort of like risotto with minute rice. (Leo chuckles a little.) It's a cooking analogy. Leo: Yeah. (They both chuckle a little.) Anyway uh I have some stain samples at home if you're interested. I can bring them by tomorrow and show them to you and your sisters. Piper: Or better yet, why don't you just bring them by the restaurant? Say about lunchtime? Prue's so busy and Phoebe doesn't really care. She's more into stucco. Leo: OK. Piper: OK. Leo: So what time's that movie? (The doorbell rings.) Phoebe: I got it. [Cut to Phoebe. She opens the door. Aviva is standing there with Kit.] Phoebe: Kit! Oh my god. Where did you find her? We were worried sick. (She takes Kit.) Aviva: I was just walking by and I um, saw one of your flyers and poof. There she was. Like magic. (Phoebe laughs nervously.) Phoebe: Wow. (She closes the door.) I can't even believe she let you hold her. (They go in the living room. Piper enters.) Piper: Oh. Welcome home Kitty! (Phoebe laughs a little as she hands Piper Kit. Leo enters) Oh. You must be starving. (She sits down in the armchair.) Aviva: (Sitting down on the couch.) I fed her. Phoebe: (Sitting on the arm of the couch.) I thought you said you just found her. Aviva: I did. Oh, um, a couple of hours ago. I mean. Piper: And she didn't try to scratch you? Aviva: Mm-mmm. Leo: You know, I'll take the flyers down tomorrow. Let me uh, clean up before the movie. Phoebe: Movie? What movie? Piper: A war movie. Phoebe: I love war movies. Mind if I tag along? Leo: Uh sure. Why not? I'll be right back. (He leaves.) Aviva: You guys aren't going out are you? I mean, you just got your cat back. Piper: Oh she'll be fine. Let me get my purse. (She puts Kit down and goes towards the table.) Uh, what's your name? Aviva: Oh. No. No. I don't want your money. (Prue and Andy enter from the parlor.) Piper/Phoebe: Hey Andy! Andy: Hey! Prue: Hey. I thought we all had plans tonight? Phoebe: This girl just found our cat for us. Aviva: Aviva. Prue: Well that's great. Um, is fifty bucks enough? Aviva: Uh, I don't I don't want a reward. (She stands up.) We need to talk. Prue: About what? Aviva: About wicca. Prue: Uh (Leo enters.) Andy Trudeau, this is Leo Wyatt. You guys chat. We'll be right back. Phoebe: OK. (Piper and Phoebe get up and lead Aviva away.) Andy: Hey. (Andy and Leo shake hands.) Piper: Thanks again. (They push Aviva away.) Phoebe: Yeah. I'm sorry you can't stay. Aviva: I'm not leaving. Don't you understand? I'm one of you. (She points at the popcorn Andy has and it began to rise.) Piper: No. (Piper stops time. Aviva doesn't freeze.) Aviva: Very cool. (She walks around Leo and Andy.) Piper: Um, wait. You didn't . she didn't .you didn't freeze? (Aviva walks back to them.) Aviva: That's because I'm a witch too. Prue: A what? Aviva: Look, I just want to be friends. Piper: Uh, guys, we have about 20 seconds until they unfreeze. Phoebe: How did you find out about us? Aviva: I'm gonna need more than 20 seconds for that. Piper: We really need to move things along here Prue. Prue: OK. You need to leave here now. Aviva: What? A why? Prue: Because we don't know who the hell you really are, so just leave. OK? Go. Go. Go. (She pushes Aviva.) Aviva: No. I'm not leaving. I just saved your cat. Prue: Leave now or else. Aviva: Or else what. (She looks at the tape Prue has and it burns. Prue drops it. Aviva leaves. Time unfreezes. The popcorn bursts open and popcorn is thrown all over the place.) Andy: What the hell? (They clean the popcorn off themselves.) Leo: Hey, where did that girl go? Phoebe: Uh. She just (Prue uses her power to make the front door slam.) Prue: Uh! Uh. Left. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Aviva's room. She's talking to Kali.] Aviva: You said if I brought them back their cat Kali: Was it the oldest? Was it Prue that sent you away? Aviva: Yes. Kali: Avoid her. She's the strongest. You must separate them. Together they're Charmed. Impenetrable. Aviva: But what if they don't want me? Kali: Phoebe will. In her own way. She's searching for someone to relate to. Someone to share her witchcraft with. What's the problem? Aviva: I I don't know. Kali: You're the one that came to me remember? You're the one who wanted sisters. Aviva: I know. I want a family. I don't have anybody. What do you get out of it? I mean, you know, you never really said. Kali: Halliwell magic is old and powerful, and I want it. And since they're new to the craft, if I'm ever going to get it, it has to be now through you. Just do as I say Aviva. Make Phoebe convent your power, then we'll both get what we want. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Next morning. Prue is on the phone with Andy as she brings a towel out from the laundry room.] Prue: It's not what you think Andy. It's hard to explain. It's just [Cut to Andy at the police station. He's going through some files.] Andy: Just another one of those things you can't explain. It's a broken record Prue. [Cut to Prue. She's sorting laundry.] Prue: Look, I wanted you to stay. You have to believe me. [Cut to Andy] Andy: Then what happened? Why'd you want me to leave all of a sudden? [Cut to Prue] Prue: I told you. Something came up. Sister stuff. I can't really go into detail without betraying someone's secret. [Cut to Andy] Andy: Prue [Cut to Prue] Prue: Look Andy, I'm unpredictable. OK? That's just part of who I am and you have to accept that because I can't change it. [Cut to Andy] Andy: I don't want you to change Prue. I just (He sits down.) I just want to have a normal date. That's all. Is that too much to ask for. [Cut to Prue] Prue: All right. Let's just try it again. Tonight? Uh, same time? Same place? [Cut to Andy] Andy: Same movie? [Cut to Prue. She picks up the burnt movie.] Prue: Uh, yeah. OK, so what? 8 o'clock? [Cut to Andy] Andy: I'll be there. Bye. [Cut to Prue] Prue: All right. Bye. (She hangs up and goes to the laundry room.) If I ever see that little artiest again (Piper and Phoebe come in. Piper stands by the dryer as Prue takes close out and puts them in the laundry basket.) Piper: Just got done dodging Leo's questions about her. That was close. Prue: Too close. The question is, who is she? Piper: And what does she want? Phoebe: Let us not forget Aviva found Kit. Prue: Yeah. She's probably the one who stole the cat in the first place. Phoebe: Hello? Paranoia check. Prue: Phoebe, for all we know, she's a warlock. (She takes the laundry basket into the kitchen and puts it on the table and begin sorting through it again. Piper and Phoebe follow her.) Piper: She can't be. She didn't freeze. Phoebe: Beside, she said she was a witch. Prue: OK, a bad witch maybe. Phoebe: Yeah, a bad witch with a really cool power. Better than mine. That's for sure. Prue: Why are you so quick to defend her? Phoebe: Why are you so quick to condemn her? Piper: If she is a witch, a good witch, then it might be kinda cool considering she's the first one we've run across. Phoebe: Exactly. Prue: Guys, we don't know anything about her—how she got her powers. How she found out about us? Phoebe: She tried to tell us, but you kicked her out. Prue: Yeah. She would have exposed us if I hadn't. Phoebe: Prue, she's just a kid. Besides, if she is a witch, she probably feels just as alone as we do. Maybe she just needs some friends. Prue: Or maybe she's out to destroy us. It wouldn't be the first time. Phoebe: OK. Prue: All right, until she knows who she really is, let's just steer clear. OK? (Phoebe nods.) I'm late for work. (She leaves.) Piper: Me too. (She leaves. The phone rings. Phoebe answers it.) Phoebe: Hello? Aviva? [Scene: High School. Phoebe is waiting for Aviva. She checks her watch. Aviva comes to the bike fence where Phoebe's waiting outside.] Aviva: I'm so glad that you came. Phoebe: I'm glad that you called actually. (They walk along the fence towards the door.) Aviva: Bet you got a few questions huh? Phoebe: A few. Uh, what time does school let out? Aviva: Uh, now. (She goes under the fence lock.) Phoebe: Uh, whoa. Whoa. Hey, what are you doing? Aviva: Oh, the same thing I'm sure you did a thousand times. Am I right? Phoebe: Well.. Aviva: I am right. Um, you didn't tell your bitch sister about this, did you? Phoebe: Hey, watch your mouth. Prue had every right to be upset about what you did. Aviva: It's funny how you knew that I was talking about Prue and not Piper. Hey, come on. (She heads towards a car.) Let's go for a ride. I'll tell you everything that you want to know. [Scene: Quake. Leo walks in and looks around for Piper. He turns around and finds her with a menu.] Piper: Table for one sir? Leo: Wow. You own this place? Piper: No. I just run it. Um. (They begin to walk to a table.) Actually, I used to be the chef here. (Piper leads him to the table and he sits down. She hands him a menu.) Leo: I'm impressed. Piper: Good. I mean, um, good that you came here as opposed to the house and Phoebe. (Leo takes the stain samples out of his pocket.) How about those stain samples? (Leo hands them to Piper.) Leo: Now I only brought the ones authentic to the era in which the manor was built. Piper: Great. (She sits down in the chair across from Leo.) Hungry? Leo: Uh Piper: Oh, it's on the house. Leo: You're big on food, aren't you? Piper: Uh Leo: No. That's good. You know, actually, in the Mayan culture, the cook was second in the hierarchy only to the medicine man. Piper: Mayans? You know about Mayans? Well, you certainly are a handyman, aren't you? Leo: Uh, so, does Phoebe work here too? Piper: Phoebe? Work. No. No. No. No. No. No. She's probably at her gay and lesbean group right about now. So what'll it be? [Scene: Manor. That night. Phoebe and Aviva walk into the manor through the kitchen.] Phoebe: This is the dining room. This is the parlor. That's the conservatory, which is just another fancy name for family room. Aviva: This is so totally cool. Oh, I love it here. (They walk towards the parlor. Aviva opens the door.) Phoebe: And welcome to planet Leo. (They walk into the parlor.) Aviva: You are liking this Leo. Phoebe: Uh, maybe. Aviva: Does he like you? I mean, how can he not? You are so gorgeous. (As Phoebe talks, Aviva goes and sits down on the couch holding Kit.) Phoebe: Well, you see, Piper and I have sort of have this little competition going over him. (Phoebe sits in a chair.) Aviva: So just use your powers. Cast a spell on him or something. You do have powers, don't you? Phoebe: What makes you think I do? Aviva: Please. You're a witch. Phoebe: Yeah, which brings us back to how do you know that. You promised. Aviva: I have this teacher. She's great. She's like my mom. She told me. Phoebe: Who is she? Aviva: Another witch. Like a high priestess or something. She said you were the coolest and I would like you the best. She was right. Phoebe: Well I'd like to meet her sometime. Aviva: Yeah? (Phoebe nods.) Is your room up there? Phoebe: Mm-hmm. Aviva: Come on. I want to share something with you. (She puts Kit down and stands up.) You're gonna love it. I promise. [Scene: Phoebe's room. Aviva is putting on black lipstick.] Aviva: I like mirrors. They never lie to you. (Phoebe appears behind Aviva.) They always tell you the truth whether you like it or not. It's basic black. The color of my soul. Do you want to try it? Phoebe: You're soul's not black. Aviva: You know the feeling that I mean. You're different, you know, you'll never want what they want. You belong on the edge. We aren't pink people Phoebe. (She turns around.) You want to see something incredible? Better yet, you want to try it? Phoebe: Try what? Aviva: I'll show you my power if you show me yours. [Cut to kitchen. Prue comes in.] Prue: Anybody home? (She puts her purse on the table.) Better not be. [Cut back to Phoebe's room. Phoebe and Aviva are sitting on the ground Indian style. In between them is a laid out handkerchief with some candles.] Aviva: Don't be afraid. (She holds out the palm of her hands. Phoebe grabs them.) Phoebe: OK. Now what? (Aviva glances at the mirror. Kali appears slightly and then disappears. Aviva giggles a little.) Aviva: She's giving it to you too. Phoebe: Who is? Giving me what? Aviva: The power. Here. (She puts a potted plant in front of Phoebe.) Touch this. (Phoebe does. The plant begins to grow.) It's the power of heat. You're hand is like the sun. Phoebe: Whoa. Aviva: That's pretty cool huh? (Prue opens the door while saying this.) Prue: Phoebe, are you (She sees Aviva.) Phoebe: Prue (Phoebe and Aviva stand up.) Prue: What are you doing? Aviva: Get out. This is her room. Phoebe: Aviva Aviva: No. She treats you worse than my aunt treats me. It's not right. Phoebe: It's OK. Relax. (The door rings. Prue leaves. Phoebe does. Aviva kneels down and blows out the candles.) [Cut to foyer. Prue opens the door. Andy's standing there holding a bottle.] Andy: Chianti, Body Heat What do you think? Prue: Ah Phoebe: (Running down the stairs) Prue, I can explain! (She sees Andy.) Oh no! Andy: Oh no Let me guess? Rain check? Prue: Andy Andy: Prue, this is this is getting ridiculous. (Aviva comes up to Phoebe.) Prue: I know. Believe me. You have every right to be upset, and I can't talk about it right now but I will. I promise. Tomorrow? Quake? 1:00? Please? Andy: OK. Tomorrow 1:00. (He waves to Phoebe before leaving who waves back. Prue closes the door and begins to walk away. She pasts Phoebe.) Phoebe: I am so sorry. (She follows Prue.) I totally forgot. (They stops walking.) Prue: What the hell is she doing here? What's a matter with you? Aviva: This is her house too, OK? She can do whatever she wants. Phoebe: (To Aviva) Aviva (To Prue) She's not what you think she is. Aviva: She doesn't understand Phoebe. She'll never understand. (She leaves.) [Scene: Aviva's room. She's talking to Kali.] Kali: If there were no Prue, Phoebe would be with us now. Aviva: I hate her and wish that she were dead. Aunt Jackie: (Outside the door.) Aviva? What's going on? Who's in there with you? (She open the door and comes in.) You skipped school today and I want to know why. Aviva: Get out of my room! Aunt Jackie: How dare you speak to me in that tone! (She notices the candles as Aviva stands up.) What's going on here? Aviva: I said get out of my room! Leave me alone or else (In the mirror, Kali is her demon self. She throws a fireball at Aunt Jackie. It hits the bottom of her dress. She screams and tries to put it out by slapping it with a jacket.) Aunt Jackie? (She goes out of the room while slapping and hits the wall.) Oh god. (Aunt Jackie falls down the stairs. Aviva comes out and runs downstairs.) Aunt Jackie? (She stops short and sees her aunt on the floor motionless.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Aunt Jackie's apartment. Aviva is on the stairs. The cops and paramedics are there. They take Aunt Jackie away in a stretcher. Aviva walks up the stairs.] [Cut to Aviva's room. She's talking to Kali. Aviva is worried.] Kali: What did you tell the police? Aviva: That the candle caught her dress on fire and she fell down the stairs. Oh my god. What have I done? I didn't mean to hurt her. Kali: You powers are growing. Aviva: I know, but as soon as Aunt Jackie walks up, she'll tell them what really happened. I've got to get out of here. Kali: No! Aviva: Why not? Kali: You must go back to the Halliwells. You must complete what you've started. Aviva: But how? Kali: Piper won't stop you, and Phoebe's already an ally. Only Prue stands in our way. You must use your powers. You must take Prue's place in the power of three. Don't disappoint me Aviva. You said you wanted a family. And now you'll have one. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Aviva is there. Phoebe pours Aviva a cup of tea and gives it to her. Piper is on the phone in the background. Prue is also there.] Aviva: Thanks. Phoebe: You poor thing. You're shivering. Aviva: I'm OK. (To Prue.) I know that you don't like me and I know that the last thing you want to do is help me. But I don't know where else to turn. I don't have anybody else. (Piper comes to them.) Piper: She's telling the truth. Her aunt was admitted to the hospital. Aviva: How is she? Is she OK? Piper: She has a broken arm and a concussion. Prue: How did she fall again? Aviva: I don't know. I I heard her scream and, and then I found her on the floor and I called 911. I promise, if you just let me spend the night and get some sleep, I'll tell you everything you want to know about me tomorrow. Piper: She can't stay alone. Phoebe: She can sleep in my room. Prue: No magic. Aviva: I swear. [Scene: Phoebe's room. Phoebe is asleep, but Aviva is awake. Kali appears in the mirror.] Kali: Now is the time. (Aviva goes out into the hallway. Kali appears as her demon self.) [Cut to by Prue's room. Aviva opens the door slightly and sees Prue asleep. She then prepares to use a fireball.] Piper: What are you doing? Aviva: Um (She closes the door.) I was just looking for the bathroom. Piper: Oh. It's down the hall to the right. Aviva: Great. Thanks. Good night. (She goes to the bathroom. Piper looks in Prue's room. She's still asleep. Piper closes the door.) [Scene: Dinning room. Phoebe is on the ladder putting a light bulb in the lamp. Prue is with her.] Prue: I'm going to the hospital to see her aunt in an hour. I'll be back OK? (Leo walks into the kitchen and opens the door. He almost hits Aviva.) Leo: Whoa. Sorry. Didn't know you were there. (Phoebe turns on the light and steps down.) Aviva: That's OK. (Leo leaves.) Prue: Aviva, I'm going to go see you aunt. Let her know where you are. We'll talk when I get back OK? Aviva: Yeah. Sure. Tell her I love her. Prue: OK. (She leaves. Phoebe comes in the kitchen.) Phoebe: Come on. Let's get something to eat. [Scene: Hospital. Prue is sitting by Aunt Jackie's hospital bed. Aunt Jackie is sitting up.] Aunt Jackie: I don't understand. Why is Aviva staying with you? I don't even know who you are. Prue: Um, actually we just met your niece. We lost our cat and she found it for us. Aunt Jackie: Oh. That's what she was hiding. Prue: Hiding? Aunt Jackie: In the closet. She wouldn't let me go anywhere near it. You're lucky she didn't sacrifice the poor thing. Prue: I'm sorry? (Aunt Jackie leans closer.) Aunt Jackie: She's a strange kid. Very troubled. Into all sorts of wired stuff. Black magic, voodoo. God know what else. No wonder she doesn't have any friends. Prue: What makes you think she's into black magic? Aunt Jackie: You should see her room. It seems like every time I walk past there she's in there chanting or something. Sometimes, I swear, I even hear other voices. I know she's not happy there. I'm only taking care of her until her mom gets out of rehab. Prue: Do you mind if I stop by your place and pick up some things for Aviva? Aunt Jackie: No. Prue: Great. Thanks. Feel better. (She leaves.) [Scene: Quake. Piper comes out of the kitchen and goes to the table where Andy's waiting.] Piper: Andy, I can't seem to get a hold of Prue. I know she was going to the hospital (Andy stands up and takes the napkin off his lap.) Andy: That's all right Piper. Thanks for trying. (He takes some money out to pay for the drink on the table.) Piper: I'm sure there's a perfectly good Andy: Explanation? (He puts the money on the table.) Wanna bet? (He leaves.) [Scene: Aviva's room. Prue walks in. She looks around. She opens the closet and sees some black candles and the other stuff Aviva uses when she calls Kali. Kali appears in the mirror behind Prue in demon form and then disappears. Prue looks over her shoulder at the mirror. She then sees Aviva's diary by the bed. She picks it up and reads one of the pages.] Prue: "Kali says we're close to taking over the Halliwell coven. I hate lying to them." (She puts the diary down. She then picks up her cell phone and calls home.) Phoebe: Hello. Prue: Uh, Phoebe. It's me. [Cut to Manor. Parlor. Phoebe stands up out of her chair. Aviva is sitting in another chair reading a magazine.] Phoebe: Prue, where are you? Piper called. She says you were supposed to meet Andy at Quake. [Cut to Aviva's room.] Prue: Um. Listen, we have a bigger problem to deal with. Call her back and tell her to come home. I'll I'll explain it to you guys later. (She begins to leave.) And Phoebe, whatever you do, don't let Aviva out of your site. OK? [Cut to Manor. Phoebe looks over her shoulder at Aviva.] Phoebe: Yeah sure. [Cut to Aviva's room.] Prue: All right. Bye. (She leaves. Kali appears in the mirror in demon form.) [Cut to Manor. Phoebe hangs up and turns around.] Phoebe: Prue's on her way home. We can have our little chat when she gets here. Aviva: Yeah. OK. (She puts down the magazine and stands up.) Mind if I go upstairs and lay down? I'm I'm not feeling real well. Phoebe: Sure. Go ahead. (Aviva leaves.) [Cut to Phoebe's room. Aviva comes in, grabs her backpack, and leaves. She goes to Prue's room and sneaks in.] [Cut to downstairs. Foyer. Leo is sanding down a corner. Phoebe picks up something by the door.] Leo: This last coat of stain's gotta dry. (He looks at Phoebe.) I'm uh, heading over to Filmore's in a few minutes to do an estimate. Phoebe: Wait. You're finished already? Leo: Yeah. I'll be back tomorrow to make sure everyone's happy with my work. (Leo stares at Phoebe.) Phoebe: What? Leo: Just just out of curiosity, um are you and Aviva (Phoebe raises her eyebrows in confusion.) I mean, Piper said that Phoebe: Piper said what? Leo: Uh. Nothing I think I need some water. [Cut to Aviva. She gets in meditating position.] [Cut to Kitchen. Leo comes out of the laundry room as Phoebe comes in.] Phoebe: Wait, Leo, what did Piper say to you? Leo: Uh, it doesn't matter, really---forget it. (Leo begins washing his hands.) Phoebe: Well, whatever she said, you should probably take it with a grain of salt, 'cuz sometimes her medication makes her say the strangest things! But, not to worry-her shrinks are on it. Leo: Shrinks? (Phoebe nods and chuckles behind his back) (She sees Aviva's jacket on the chair and picks it up. She has a premonition. In it, Prue opens the door to her room and Aviva throws a fireball at her. The premonition ends.) Phoebe: Oh my god. Aviva. (Leo hears a car door close and looks out the window. He looks back at Phoebe.) Leo: Prue's home. Phoebe: Oh no. (She leaves.) [Cut to Aviva. She puts something in the middle of the candles. She hears someone run upstairs. Phoebe opens the door as Aviva throws a fireball.] Phoebe: Aviva? (The fireball heads towards Phoebe, who catches it with Aviva's jacket. It catches on fire. Aviva stands up.) Aviva! (She shakes the jacket and throws it on the ground. She stomps on it.) What the hell are you doing? (She holds her arm.) Aviva: Phoebe I'm sorry. (She leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe is sitting on a stool. Piper brings her a pack of ice. Prue and Leo are also there.] Piper: Maybe we should take you to the hospital. Phoebe: No. It's not that bad. Leo: Well, how did it happen anyway? Phoebe: Uh, candles. Aviva had some candles lit and I guess the sweater got to close, and then she ran out of the house. Leo: It sure caught fire fast. Prue: Um, Leo, we got this. We wouldn't want you to be late for that estimate. Leo: Are you sure? I don't mind. Phoebe: No. Prue's right. I'm fine. You go ahead. Leo: OK. I'll stop by later to see how you're doing. Piper/Phoebe: Great. (Leo leaves.) Prue: OK. So, how did this happen? Phoebe: I had a premonition that Aviva was going to hurt you, so I tried to stop her. I should have listened to you Prue. You were right about Aviva. She's evil. Prue: No. Actually, she's not, but she is being used by an evil spirit and I think I know which one, so come on. (They all leave.) [Scene: Aviva's room. Aviva is putting stuff in her backpack. She goes to the closet. Kali appears in the mirror.] Kali: Where are you going Aviva? Aviva: Go away. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want to be a witch anymore. Kali: But you haven't finished what we've started. Aviva: But I'm hurting people. Don't you understand? First Aunt Jackie, now Phoebe. I have to leave. Kali: Aren't you going to say good-bye first? Touch the mirror, Aviva. It's OK. I'm not upset. Touch the mirror and I'll go away too. (She does. Kali goes into Aviva's body.) Hello (Her voice changes to evil.) Aviva? [Scene: Attic. The Charmed Ones are looking through the Book of Shadows.] Prue: Kali. Kali. Kali. Piper: There, there. " An evil sorceress cursed into her own dimension. She appears in reflections and has the power to possess " Prue: " innocents and use them as pawns to steal a witch's power." Piper: Wait. I don't understand. So she's using Aviva to try to turn us into bad witches? Phoebe: Does it say anything about how to get rid of her? Prue: Uh, yeah. " To get ride of her: shatter her reflection." However the hell we do that. Here. (She gives Piper the book. The door slams open and there stands Kali in Aviva's body.) Phoebe: Aviva? (Kali walks towards them while saying this line and then stops) Kali: (In Aviva's voice) Hello Phoebe. How's (Kali's voice) the arm? Phoebe: You're not Aviva? Kali: You're not kidding. (She throws a fireball at them. Prue pushes her sisters to the left and she goes to the right) Aviva: Phoebe! Help me! Kali: Never mind. (Piper puts the book down. Kali throws a fireball at them. They duck and the fireball hits the mannequin. Kali looks at Prue) My power's greater then yours Prue. It's only a matter of time. (Phoebe and Piper are now kneeling) Phoebe: Time? Piper, that's it! (Kali looks at them) Freeze her! (Piper looks at her) Piper: Aviva doesn't freeze. (Kali looks at Prue.) Phoebe: Yeah, but Kali will. (Piper freeze Kali) Kali: No! (Aviva's body falls to the floor. Piper looks behind her and pulls down a sheet, revealing a mirror) Piper: Prue! The mirror! Get her to the mirror! (Prue uses her power to throw Kali in the mirror.) Kali: No! (Phoebe hits the mirror with a broom. Kali screams as the glass is shattered. She disappears.) [Scene: Phoebe's room. Phoebe is there holding Kit. Aviva is standing by the mirror. Her hair is washed and she's wearing a dress that's dark red.] Aviva: Thanks for the dress. Phoebe: No problem. It's Prue's. (She puts Kit down on the dresser and walks to Aviva, who grabs her jacket.) All set? Aviva: Yeah. I'm all set. Phoebe: You OK? Aviva: I don't think, uh, looking into a mirror is ever going to be the same. (She turns around.) Phoebe: Yeah, well, the demon's gone Aviva, forever. Aviva: Yeah, well, unfortunately all the other ones remain. It's so hard. Phoebe: Oh, I know. It was hard for me too when I was your age. Aviva: Yeah? Phoebe: Are you kidding? (Aviva goes by the dresser and grabs on her coat.) These are the hardest years of your life. (Phoebe sits on her bed.) The one thing I learned is you just gotta be yourself. (Aviva giggles a little as she puts on her coat.) Aviva: Easy for you to say. What if yourself sucks? Phoebe: Well, you don't have to worry about that. No. Aviva, I'm serious. You are a great kid. I could totally see us hanging out together in school. A couple of troublemakers. (Both she and Aviva laugh a little.) Aviva: I'm going to miss being a witch. Having powers and having sisters. Phoebe: Yeah, well, you've got your mom. And your aunt will be home from the hospital tomorrow. (She stands up.) OK, now remember, do not tell anyone about us Halliwell sisters right? It's just our little secret. Aviva: I promise. Phoebe: OK. (They leave.) [Scene: Outside Andy's house. Prue is in her car waiting for Andy. He pulls up in his car. Prue gets out and so Andy.] Prue: Hey. Andy: Hey. (He walks towards his door and so does Prue.) Prue: Uh, can we talk? Andy: Is there really anything to talk about? Prue: Andy (He stops and turns around.) I'm sorry . Andy: So am I! Prue: What do you mean by that? Andy: I mean, come on Prue. Who we kidding? I mean, let's face it. One of us is obviously more interested in this relationship than the other. Prue: That's not true. Andy: Isn't it? Then how come I'm always the one left standing there looking like a jerk. Prue: I can explain. Andy: No, you can't. Or you won't. (He goes up the stairs and stops at the top. He throws the jacket on the ground.) Damn it Prue. I still love you. I'm not saying you have to explain it all to me Prue. (Prue walks up to him.) That you're prerogative. All I'm saying is it hurts that you don't trust me enough. Prue: I do trust you Andy. It has nothing to do with you, it's just it's just something that I don't know if I can ever share with anybody. Andy: Well I hope that's not true for your sake. All I know is there's nothing I can say or do to reassure you, that I'm there for you. (He grabs his coat and walks up the stairs.) Prue: Andy (He stops half-way and turns around.) Are you saying that you don't want to see me anymore? Andy: I don't know what I want anymore.

Plan: A: Aviva; Q: Who is the troubled teenage witch? A: Danielle Harris; Q: Who played Aviva? A: Phoebe; Q: Who shatters the mirror? A: the sisters; Q: Who does Aviva want to join? A: an unwitting pawn; Q: What is Aviva to Kali? A: a dark sorceress / priestess; Q: What is Kali? A: a mirror; Q: What do Piper and Prue trap Kali in? A: her bad lifestyle; Q: What does Aviva drop? A: her aunt; Q: Who does Aviva leave to reunite with? Summary: A troubled teenage witch, Aviva ( Danielle Harris ), befriends Phoebe with the hopes of joining the sisters, but is an unwitting pawn of a dark sorceress / priestess named Kali. The sisters investigate and identify the sorceress who possesses Aviva when she refuses to help anymore. Piper and Prue manage to trap Kali in a mirror and Phoebe shatters it, vanquishing her. Aviva drops her bad lifestyle and leaves to reunite with her aunt.

Sam throws something away outside in containers. He hears people who are afraid. A body is in a car. Andy: Will you two shut up? I can't think. Sookie: Andy, what the hell did you do? There's someone inside. Sam: What happened? Andy: Step back! I got it. Sam: Andy's got it. Andy: Don't touch anything. Sookie: We were out trying to find Andy's car. Andy: Someone f*cking moved it. Sookie: Suddenly, there's this... Person in there... : We need an ambulance. Call the cops. Sam: What? Andy: I am the cops. : Oh, my God. Please tell me it's not Lafayette, please. Sookie: Check for a pulse. Andy: Forget it. There ain't no pulse. Sam: What? Why? Andy: Because there ain't no heart. Sick f*ck. Sam: It's not him. It's not Lafayette. Who the heck is that? We are seeing Miss Jeannette who is talking about Demon with Tara; Miss Jeanette : Demon! Credits. The policemen think: World's going to sh1t. No respect. Wonder if she even knows. Poor sorry girl. think: Miss Jeanette. They'll find out I knew her, that I went to her. Find out everything. f*ck, I pushed her. I cussed her out. Now look at her. sh1t. The policewoman: Is there something else you ain't telling me, Tara? : No. I have never seen that woman before. A policeman: Careful here, son. Her leg will break off like a chicken wing if you hold her like that. Andy think: What kind of sick f*ck would throw a body in a detective's car. sh1t.I just got it detailed too. Bud: Andy, Over here. Andy: Body's in full rigor mortis, Bud. Which is consistent with the vic being killed elsewhere then brought here into the scene sometime in the past four hours, since that's when I... drove over here. Bud: Andy, why don't you call it a night? Your sister's waiting on you. Andy: Now? We've got a murder investigation, Bud, you need your best detective on this. Bud: I know, Andy, but you clocked in at 8 a.m. You're overworked. You're also drunk. Andy: What? I am not overworked. Sam: I don't know about you, but... I think I've seen enough dead bodies to last me a lifetime. Sookie: Except this one, I just don't get... With everyone Rene killed, you could see his rage. But this...Cutting out that poor woman's heart...Someone just wanted to see her suffer. Every time I think I know what's what it turns out I don't know anything. : Hey, I'm good to close up and go home if you are. Sookie: Sweetie, how did you know the woman that got killed? Tara: Sookie, I told you, I nev...That was...That was the woman who gave me and my mamma the exorcism. Sookie: I'm so sorry. I had no idea. You're gonna have to tell the police about it. You know that. : sh1t. I'll probably have to spend all night answering questions. My mamma's gonna fall to pieces when she finds out. Sam: Listen, you go home. Sookie and I will close up. Tara: Kenya. I remembered something. Bill's house. Bill: Your bedtime will be at 4 a.m.and not a minute later. Jessica: Whatever. Bill: And whilst you are under my roof, hunting is completely forbidden. Jessica: Like I'd know where to find people in this bumfuck town. Are we even in a town? Bill: We also recycle in this house. Tru Blood and other glass items go in the blue container. And paper products go in the white container. The phone of Bill is ringing. Jessica: Can I have one of those? Bill: No. Hello? Sookie: It's me. I'm gonna be a little late. Something real awful happened out here. I'll tell you all about it. Bill: Do you need me? I can meet you at the bar. Sookie: I always need you. But... You just stay there, It'll give me something to look forward to. Bill: Take your time. Jessica, I'm gonna have a guest coming over shortly, Jessica: Can we eat her? Bill: You may not. Jessica: Well, who is she? Is she your girlfriend? Bill: Yes. Jessica: Is she a vampire? Bill: No. Jessica: Do I have to be nice to her? Bill: I need you to go upstairs and get cleaned up. Remove your makeup and make yourself presentable. I will not have you looking like a slattern. Jessica: A what? Bill: A lady of the evening. Jessica: Awesome! Jason's room. Jason: "The Acts of the Apostles, chapter 26, verse 18. "Jesus informed Paul of his purpose, "to open people's eyes, "to turn them from darkness to light, "and from the power of Satan unto God. "If God is light, then Satan is darkness. "If we human beings are the children of God, "then creatures of darkness are undoubtedly... the children of Satan." Jason thinks about Amy again. Tara is at the police's office. The policewoman: An exorcism? Last time it was a pig in the middle of the road. Crazy ass motherfucking Paul Bunyan pig, if memory serves. Plus, a naked woman. Andy: What the f*ck? Tara: That's what I saw. The policewoman: You've got quite an imagination. Bud: As far as we know, her name's Nancy Levoir. And she's been a cashier at De Soto's pharmacy in Keachi for almost 20 years. : The woman's got a voodoo bus out in the middle of the woods. Andy: Any particular place in the woods? Or just the middle of the woods in general? Bud: Andy, sit down. Andy: Help us out, Tara. You're the only one who knows her, and she ended up dead outside your workplace. : In your car. Andy: While you were there keeping me inside, pouring me drink after drink after drink. What was it you didn't want me to see? Bud: Andy, A word with you in private. Andy: Don't go nowhere. I know you're pulling something. Bud: You're done for the night. Andy: I know what I'm doing. I got it under control. Bud: At best, you're a material witness to a homicide. At worst, you could be a suspect. Andy: That is bullshit. Bud: You can't be sticking your nose... 's mother: Lord, sheriff. What did they do to Miss Jeannette? Tell me! What did they do to her? : I told you not to call her up. The policewoman: It's a murder investigation. Tara's mother: Tara, baby. Is it true? Is it Miss Jeanette? She saved my life. : Mama. There was no Miss Jeannette. She was just some woman who worked in a pharmacy. All that stuff on the bus, it wasn't real. 's mother: Don't you lie to me. : She told me so herself. 's mother: You don't know what you're talking about. She's just saying all this 'cause she's still angry with me. : No... I mean, yes, but no, it's true. She gave me ipecac and peyote and made me think I was killing my demon. 's mother: It is a sin to speak ill of the dead like that. She was a good woman. : It was a scam. She stole from you and from me. I'm so sorry. 's mother: But she cured me. She cured me. I'm all right now, ain't I? Ain't I still right? Weird place in the dark at the Fangtasia. A man: Bucket. Bucket. A man is coming. This man: Please, I didn't do anything! I don't know anything! I swear! Please, don't kill me. What do you want from me? Tell me! What the f*ck? Hey, where the hell are you going? The man: You? Holy sh1t. What the hell are you doing here? The man is the one who didn't like "the gay burger with AIDS" of Lafayette (see the 1st season). Then, someone is coming and is taking away one person who is here. : I wish I knew. The man: Where the hell are we? Who...? Who are these people? What the f*ck is going on? : Will you shut your mouth, you f*cking inbreed. The man: Where... Where are they taking that guy? : I don't know. But sometimes there are screams. The man: Jesus f*cking Christ. How long have you been here? : I ain't got no idea. Bill's house. Sookie: They tore out that poor woman's heart. I have never seen so much fear on someone's face. Bill: I'm sorry you had to see that. Sookie: I couldn't keep the voices out, I was in too much shock to resist. There's just so...So much noise. This is the first quiet I've had all night. Bill: I need to tell you something. Sookie: Please, just...Shut up. Kiss me. Just make it go away for just a little while. Jessica: Well, hi, there. You must be Sookie. Oh Bill I love your shower. Back near the police's office. : Mama, I'm sorry. I didn't wanna have to tell youall that stuff. 'Cause in spite of everything you've done, there's some sick, sick part of me that can't bear to see you suffer. And I thought if you found out she was a fraud... 's mother: No, girl. There wasn't no fraud. I am living, breathing, thriving proof there wasn't no fraud. I'm still healed. Healed stronger than ever. : You are? 's mother: The Lord tested our faith by taking Miss Jeannette away from us. I stay true. I wish I could say the same about you, baby. I'll pray for you. : Don't. I'm actually doing better than I have in a long time. Tara's mother: Well, let's pray for Miss Jeannette, then. There's something evil out there, and it wanted her soul. If you're not careful, it's gonna come for yours too. : Maryann. Maryann: I came as soon as I heard. Are you all right, sweetheart? : Yeah. That's my mother. Maryann: Miss Thornton. Maryann Forrester. I've heard all about you. What a rare opportunity this is. I've always wondered what it would be like to gaze into the eyes of someone so devoid of human compassion, that you would abandon your own child when she needed you most. 's mother: What? Maryann: Just as I thought. Emptiness. Nothing inside. It's always something out there that gets all the blame or the credit. Wether it's Jesus or Jeannette. 's mother: Who are you? Maryann: What I can't believe is that your daughter still manages to feel any love for you. Since you've abused, betrayed and forsaken her love since the moment she could feel. That's extraordinary. She's a hell of a girl. Come on. Let's get you home. Back at Bill's house. Sookie: You killed her? Bill: Not entirely, no. Sookie: Well, you obviously did something to this...This...Now, how old are you? Jessica: Seventeen. Sookie: Oh, my God. Where are your parents? Jessica: Is she always like this? Sookie: So what then, you...bit her? Bill: Yes. Sookie: You drained her? Bill: Yes. Sookie: Did you have s*x with her? Bill: No. Jessica: Old. Bill: Jessica was brought to me as a condition of my punishment. I had to create a vampire as reparation for the one I destroyed to save you. Jessica: So this is all your fault. Bill: Jessica, I need you to retire for the morning. My sleeping quarters are beneath the stairs. And you may stay there until we make other arrangements. Jessica: But I'm not tired... Bill: Go! Jessica: Compared to Fangtasia, this blows. Bill: We can't turn her out. Not yet. She's a very young vampire. At her age, with her impulses, she could be dangerous. Sookie: Where has she been tonight? Bill: Here with me, and before that, with Eric and Pam. Sookie: So there's no way she could have anything to do with the woman with her heart missing? Bill: Probably not. Sookie: Two weeks and...you never said anything. I've laid in bed for hours, talking about my laugh, your laugh, the weather, rules of football, and not once did you mention that you slept with and killed... Bill: I did not. Sookie: a 17-year-old girl. Bill: For a century and a half, I never turned a human because I couldn't bear to inflict the suffering I felt when I was turned. The pain of that is not an easy thing to share. Sookie: If I'm with you, and she's with you, then she is with me. And I'm sure as heck sharing in that. Bill: If I withheld anything, it was only to protect you. Sookie: If she'd stayed with Eric I still wouldn't know. That's not protecting me, that's lying to me. How am I supposed to ever trust you if you keep something like that from me? What else are you keeping from me? Bill: Nothing. Sookie: I can't stay. Not tonight. Bill: Sookie. Sookie: I've shared every dark, horrible corner of my life with you. What made you think I couldn't handle every bit of yours? I'm a lot stronger than you think. At the TV. Reverend Newlin: The vampires as a group have cheated death. And when death has no meaning, then life has no meaning. And when life has no meaning, it is very, very easy to kill. Miss Flanagan (Vampire at the TV): Not true, Reverend Newlin, life has great meaning for us. We've all known the joy of human life. And as several of your kind demonstrated in Louisiana three weeks ago, we most certainly can die. Your assertion is little more than a veiled incitement for your supporters to come kill us. Reverend Newlin: No amount of political grandstanding can hide the fact that you know who killed my family. Their blood is on your hands. Miss Flanagan: That's an outrageous accusation. The journalist: Can you back that up, reverend? Reverend Newlin: My father's death was an assassination, pure and simple. A killing meticulously planned, ruthlessly executed. From there, all we have to ask is who stands the most to gain. The journalist: We're running out of time. Last word, Miss Flanagan? Miss Flanagan: Clearly, Rev. Newlin's grief over the loss of his father hasn't hindered him from some political grandstanding himself. Reverend Newlin: It's a beautiful, sunny morning in America, Miss Flanagan. I wish you were here. Miss Flanagan: Give me 12 hours, reverend. I'll be right there. The journalist: All right, thank you, Nan Flanagan and Reverend Steve Newlin. Reverend Newlin: May His holy light shine upon you, Sharon. Reverend Newlin's wife: I'll be right back. A boy: Okay. Reverend Newlin's wife: You're so handsome. You're getting good at this. Reverend Newlin: Getting better. I have a long way to go. Any notes? Reverend Newlin's wife: Well, sometimes you can sound a little too much like a preacher. Reverend Newlin: Well... Reverend Newlin's wife: I'm just thinking ahead, darling. You could be governor of Texas if you play your cards right. You know, you had her cornered. I thought those fangs were gonna come out any second. Reverend Newlin: I wish they would. That'd be a sight. Let the world see what she really is. They arrive in a big room with some people inside. Good morning, everybody, how'd I do? Thanks so much. The cooker: Good. You were good. Reverend Newlin: Can you get some pineapple out here? Thanks. A men: Hi. How are you doing? Wish my dad was here to see you. A women: Thank you so much, reverend. Reverend Newlin: Have a good time. Jason is coming. Reverend: Orry Dawson. You son of a gun. Come here. Orry: Oh, reverend. Ah. Mrs. Newlin. I have someone I'd like you to meet. This here is Jason Stackhouse from down the road of peace in Bon Temps. Jason: You're, like, the most famous person I've met. Reverend: We're all equals here. Miss Newlin: Wait. Bon Temps. Weren't you the poor soul they were accusing of these murders? Jason: Yeah. I was. But I was saved. Just like Orry said I would be. And for the first time in my life I feel like God has a purpose for me. Miss Newlin: Well, he does. He does for us all. This here's God's purpose for me. Jason: I've been reading your father's book, and it's really making me, think about things. Reverend: Well, then you realize, his true message is love. Despite of what all those liberal wing nuts say about him. It's like he says. "I'm coming from the darkness into the light." Orry: Jason's a newcomer to our flock, but he's been most enthusiastic about the message. He's got great potential. Reverend: That's a praise, coming from Orry. He was one of my father's closest advisors. Orry: You know, I think Jason would make a fine candidate for the Light of Day Institute. Steven and Sarah run a leadership conference in Texas, where they train the best and brightest to spread our gospel. Reverend: Think of it as a springboard for fulfilling your destiny. Jason: A leadership conference? Orry: It is a terrific program, Jason. Now, if you have the time and money, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Jason: How much does it cost? Reverend: Well, now, I don't handle the money myself... Sarah (Miss Newlin): 2 000 dollars. We cover room, board and transportation and you just pay for your class fees. Jason: I don't know if I can afford that. Reverend: I know it's a hardship, but there's no price for salvation. Sarah: Why don't you pray on it? God'll give you a sign. Jason: I'll pray on it. God'll give me a sign. Reverend: May his holy light shine upon you. [SCENE_BREAK] At Maryann's house. The employed: She was expecting you last night. Sam: Yeah, there was a bit of a... a murder in my parking lot. The employed: We heard. I'll see if Maryann is available. Sam takes a something (like an object of art) in the living room and sees the past again. We are seeing him as a dog. He's coming in Maryann's house. He is 17 years old. Maryann: How did you get in here? If you'd broken it, I'd be really angry Sam: I'll just Go. Maryann: In this weather? Where are your clothes? Sam: I don't know. Maryann: You are very interesting. How old are you? Sam: Seventeen. Back to the reality. The employed: It's a beauty, isn't it? Mycenaean, I'm told. Maryann's still asleep. Is there a message I may pass along? Sam: Tell her I have something for her. Sookie's house. Sookie is thinking about her grand-mother. That's rings at the door. Sookie: Have a seat, Mr. Lancaster. Mr Lancaster: Thank you. Sookie: Is there a problem with my grandmother's papers? I know you've asked for a copy of the deed to the house. Mr Lancaster: Oh, no, no, that's all okay. I have some terrible news, I'm afraid. Your great-uncle Bartlett has passed on. I know it's so soon after your grandmother. This must be quite a shock. Sookie: Tell me what happened. Mr Lancaster: Well...The Lincoln Parish Fire Department found him a few miles south of Simsboro. He washed up on the shore. Sookie: How did he get all the way down there? Mr Lancaster: The Walnut Creek runs behind his house. Sheriff's guessing he got too close and fell in. They're calling it an accident officially. There's no sign of burglary or forced entry at the house, and he was such a sweet old man that there'd be no reason to hurt him, anyway. Sookie: There were no marks, or anything on his body? Mr Lancaster: Well, there's gators and fish in the water. And he'd been there for a few weeks, so... There's not much of a body to speak of. Sookie: Oh, my God. Mr Lancaster: I can't tell you how sorry I am. He was truly a kind, giving man. I was proud to call him my friend. The one consolation, Sookie, is that your great-uncle Bartlett cared for you deeply. He stated in his will hat he wished for you to inherit all his financial assets. It's not much, $11,000 near abouts. But it's a token of how special you were to him. Go ahead. Take it. It's yours. At Maryann's house. Maryann: Stunning, isn't it? It's the god Panand his human lover. : And she doesn't have a name? Maryann: She could be any of us, couldn't she? The Greeks knew there is the flimsiestveil between us and the divine. They didn't see the gods as being unaccessible as everyone does today. : Except for my mama. She thinks she's got a direct line to Jesus. Maryann: You have an uncanny talentv for connecting everything back to your mother. : Don't get me wrong. She deserved everything you gave her, but still... Maryann: If you took care of yourself for once instead of protecting her, she'd still be your mother. You'd just be happier. I could use more papaya. Eggs: Doesn't it seem like she's got an endless supply of tropical fruit? : And pot. Eggs: Now, that I didn't notice. I've been smoking pot since I was 10. My first kumqwat, three months ago. : I thought I was bad. Sneaking cigarettes when I was 12. Eggs: God, if you think that's bad, I don't even wanna tell you the other sh1t I've done. : Have you ever...With Maryann? Eggs: You must be high. I mean, she's so far beyond me, it's like she's on another plane. I'm starting to get her more every day, but I think the main idea is, we're all luckier than we can imagine. : Maybe you are. You didn't just see your first dead body last night. Eggs: You're lucky you made it this far before seeing one. Trust me, I've seen more than I care to. : And you're okay with that? Eggs: Sure. It's lucky I wasn't one of them. And I'm also lucky you haven't moved my hand yet. (They are going to kiss each other.) The employed: Fresh towels. They're Egyptian. Tara & Eggs: Thanks. : I should... I should really get changed for work. Maryann: Karl. Nobody needed towels. (She's hitting her employed). At Jason's place of work. Jason: Yeah, I guess I do miss that son of a bitch. He was my best friend. (about Rene). Hoyt: Yeah, mine too. Jason: But then I think, how could that be the same f*ck you... Hoyt: We never knew who Rene really was. Jason: All those innocent people he killed. You know what I can't believe? That God would let him die for no reason. You know what I... When I was in jail, the Fellowship of the Sun, they came to visit me. Hoyt: The vampire haters? Jason: No, it turns out they are about a lot more than just vampires. If I'm ever going to find answers, that's where it's gonna be. Hoyt: Why does it gotta be with them, I mean, we got a church right here. Jason: And what does that backass church give you? Hoyt: They teach me to be a Christian, for one. And not hate vampires, or hate anybody else. Jason: So you're hung up on the hating. The Fellowship, it's bigger than that. When I'm there, I feel like I'm meant to be a part of it, like I got a calling from Jesus. Or from Steve Newlin himself. Sookie is coming. Hoyt: I heard about the...At Merlotte's. I'm sorry. Sookie: Thanks, Hoyt, that's sweet of you. Sidney Matt Lancaster came by a bit ago. He had some bad news. Uncle Bartlett passed away. Jason: What happened? Sookie: They're saying it was an accident. He fell into the Walnut Creek. Behind his house. There's something else. He left us an inheritance. He left me the inheritance. But I don't want it. Here. Jason: Wait. Why did he leave it to you? I was the one who used to mow his lawn every Sunday. Sookie: I don't know. He was old. It's yours now. Come on, now. Jason: Maybe we should split. Sookie: I do not want it. I gotta get to work. It's good to see you, Hoyt. Jason: Thank you. (At the sky). Back in the past of Sam. Maryann and Sam having s*x when he's 17. Maryann: Is this what you imagined it would feel like? All right, you stay with me. And we will do things... that you cannot possibly imagine. Sam: What's wrong? Maryann: Don't stop. Don't stop. Sam: What are you? Maryann: Baby boy, you're not the only one who's special in this world. At the Merlott's. Arlene: I ignore when you're hiring another waitress, but me and Sookie are fixing to drop dead from exhaustion. I mean, look here. Nine out of ten broken. Sam: I'm sorry. I've been meaning to put an ad out. Arlene: That's why Daphne's here. She came in looking for work. I think you owe it to yourself to at least give her an interview. Daphne: I used to work at the Cracker Barrel in Alexandria. Sam: Yeah, sure. Come on in. Arlene: Thank you. Can I start parking over near your trailer? Instead of, you know, where the... Sam: You go ahead. Arlene: I love you. Nine out of ten. Sam: I'm Sam Merlotte. Daphne, right? I like the name. Daphne: I think it's French. My mama is half Cajun. Sam: So, Cracker Barrel, huh? Back to the Fangtasia. The man that used to laugh at Lafayette: Some people think I'm an asshole. It's true. I pick fights with strangers, I've cussed out old ladies. I even pissed in my boss' coffee once. : You do not need to be telling me this sh1t. The man: What else do we have to do down here? I mean, don't you talk to the others? : Most of the time I just keep to my f*cking self. And think. The man: Like about how to get out of here? : No. About why I'm here to begin with. All the sh1t I've done in my life. The drugs, the s*x, the website. I did it so my life wouldn't be a dead end and this is where I end up. What kind of punchline is that? The man: See, that's why we gotta talk. We have to tell each other all the sh1t we've done. That way, if one of us gets out, he can tell the world about both of us. I just hope it's me. : Whatever. If it make you feel any better, keep talking. The man: All right. When I was 20, my cousin Rufus, he was going out with this girl who claimed she could crush a beer can, with her tits. And one night, when we were alone, I asked her to show me. One beer can lead to another, and before you knew it, she was crushing my head with her tits. Rufus came home, and he was so mad he threw me out of the window. My hip shattered into a million pieces, and they replaced it with metal. My ass is magnetic now. : I pray to God you ain't the last m*therf*cker I meet before I die. The man: Come on, come on. What about you? You must've done all kinds of sh1t you regret. : Well, I got in trouble with my boss once for punching out three stupid rednecks at the bar. The man: You regret that? : Hell, no, you f*cking deserved it. The man: I'm sorry I hassled you for being gay. I was an asshole about it. : At least I got through to you. [b]The man: If it makes you feel any better, when I was 15, at Safety Patrol Camp, I let my bunk mate blow me. At the Merlott's. Andy: The name Nancy Levoir ring a ding? How about Miss Jeannette? Sookie: Pitcher of Abida light. Tara: Not the usual Dixie draught? Sookie: No, Jason's not drinking, and Hoyt says his mama wants him to watch his weight. Arlene: Please, she's one to talk. That woman's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. A girl: Come on, have a drink with me. Jason: I don't drink no more. I don't do nothing that can screw me up. Them days are over. The girl: You don't gotta be drunk to bang my brains out, do ya? Jason: I appreciate the offer, darling, but I'm happy hanging with my buddy tonight. The girl: Are you two like, gay together? Jason: No. Just turning over a new leaf. The girl: Your loss, baby. How about you? Do you wanna party? Never mind. Time's up. I don't teach. I absorb. Jason: I'd rather stay pure for that leadership conference, but if you wanna hit that, man, I'm cool. Hoyt: No, I'm not much of a hitter, you know. I like 'em nicer than that. Andy: Durastrong, 40-gallon trashliners. Found one at the scene. They sell them at club stores. You know anybody who uses them, call me. The couple: All right. A woman: I was just out back, and you can smell the blood out there. The woman in the couple: What kind of sick animal would keep a poor woman's heart? The other woman: You know Rene Lenier, or Marshall, whatever his name was? I heard that the American Vampire League, they wanted to teach him a lesson. So they dug him up, and they turned him into one of their own. The woman in the couple: So he could've killed that woman. The other: Better be careful. Rene Marshall might still get you. Arlene: Don't you people have any shame? His name was Drew Marshall. And he's dead, and he's buried, and he ain't never coming back. Terry: That's for your drinks, now you all need to leave. Up. Shake a leg. Out! Go! The people: Come on. Let's get out of here. Terry: Keep walking. Don't eyeball me. The people: He's such a nutball. rlene: You didn't have to do that. Sookie: Leadership conference, huh? What church? Jason: Marlboro. Baptist. In Baton Rouge. It's only for a week.Just give me a chance to get away from everything. Sookie: I wish I could take a week off. I finally started cleaning out Gran's room today. I couldn't even bear to pack away a single thing. Jason: Yeah, I know. I miss her too. And I'm hoping maybe God'll tell me why he had to take good people away. Like Gran and Amy. Sookie: Jason, Amy was a V addict. Jason: Yeah, that don't mean she deserved to die. I can't help it, Sook, I loved her. And when you love someone you've got to love it all. Otherwise it ain't love. Andy: There you are, Stackhouse. Got a couple of questions for ya. Sookie: Humour him, he's toasted. Have a good time at church camp. Some people are coming: Here we go! We won, we won! There you go, darling. One more time. Sookie: Tara, you know where Sam is? : Out back. He's being a little weird tonight. I heard about your uncle Bartlett. I'm sorry. Sookie: Thanks. I think I'll be fine. I wish people would stop dying around here. At Bill's house. Bill: Try the A negative. Jessica: Less like ass than the A positive, but more like ass than the B negative. Bill: You have to keep your strength. Two thirds of new vampires never survive the first year. Jessica: I can't help it if I don't like it. You know, Eric let me feed on a guy with tattoos, and nipple piercings. Bill: I'm not Eric. Jessica: You are so not Eric. Back to the Merlott's. Sookie: Hardly seen you all night. Sam: Well, haven't had the best day. Sookie: The woman in the parking lot or something else? Sam: Don't feel much like talking. Sookie: It's slowing down pretty good in there, so I was... Sam: You wanna cut out early and go see Bill? Sookie: I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important, but we had a fight, and there's... Sam: I don't need to hear every last detail of your life. Sookie: I guess I've owed you an apology for a while now. I never meant to hurt you, Sam. You know how much I care about... Sam: Don't it seem like you're always either apoligizing or yelling at me? Don't you get sick of it? 'Cause I sure do. I can't be whatever you want whenever you want anymore. I'm tired of charring my ass on your back burner. I will need you in early to make up for lost hours. Andy: In Keachi! You didn't get a prescription filled out there? Don't lie to me. You sure about that? To Bud: What? I'm working. Clearing my name, since I'm a suspect, allegedly. Now, if you don't mind, I'll just do-si-do round here. Bud: You're embarrassing yourself. I'm taking you off the case. For your own sake. Andy: I'm a good cop. I can close the case, let me show people that, please. Bud: Can't you go do something else? Andy: I don't do anything else. This is it. Bud: I'm sorry, Andy. Sam is dreaming again. He is stealing things to Maryann's House and then he wakes up. Maryann is here. Maryann: You have something of mine. Karl said you stopped by with a gift. I do love presents. Sam: I don't know how you found me, but... I assume this is what you came for. I'm sorry I was...young and scared at the time. Maryann: I remember. Money. My, you're a sweet thing. It's not your money I want. Sam: Listen, If you think you can get back at me by luring Tara... Maryann: Get back at you? How in the world did you get the impression that this was about you? Eggs: What? Maryann said she was coming down and she wanted to see you. Tara: Still? You're either dumber than I thought, or you're way too good for me. Eggs: Cut it out. I just wanted to see where you work. Is that so bad? Tara: You are a lucky man. And since the bartender likes you, drinks are on the house. What'll it be? Eggs: Give me something sweet. Tara: I can ma you a rum and Coke. A margarita, or a white russ... He kiss her. Eggs: That's more like it. Back at Bill's house. Jessica: All right, I guess that's not so gross. Bill: Two parts O negative, to one part B positive. Remember that. Sookie: I need to talk to you. Alone. Bill: Don't know if we can, with... Sookie: Jess, I feel like we got off to a bad start. And it's totally my fault. I never got a chance to hear your side of things, find out what you're like, none of that. Can you forgive me? Jessica: You really wanna get to know me? Sookie: Of course I do. You deserve that. And, frankly, I'm curious about you. I've just got one huge favor to ask. Give me tonight with my boyfriend, and we'll have all night tomorrow to ourselves. Just us girls. Jessica: Sure. I guess I have nothing but time now, right? Sookie: Good night. Bill: I must say I'm impressed. It's almost like you glamoured her... Sookie: Did you have anything to do with Uncle Bartlett's death? Bill: He hurt you. Sookie: My God. Is it that easy for you to kill? Does human life mean so little you can just kill on command, toss someone in the water? I cannot have people dying every time I confide in you. I never felt more inhuman than when I had to kill Rene. It still haunts me. And now you've made me feel like I killed another person. I feel sick. I always thought, as different as we are, somehow... we could still be together. And now I don't know. I don't know anything. Please. Say something, Bill. Bill: I cannot, and I will not lose you. For all the ways I have dismayed, aggrieved, or failed you, I swear, I will atone. But I am not sorry. I refuse to appologize for what you have awakened in me. You are my miracle, Sookie. For the first time in 140 years, I felt something, I thought had been lost to me forever. I love you. And for that, I shall never feel sorry. Sookie: Damn you, Bill Compton. I love you. They make love. Back to the Fangtasia. The man: I got a plan. I'm busting us out. : Don't be an idiot. The man: I'll come back for you. Promise. : Shut up. Eric is coming down. Eric: Shushing won't do you any good, sweetheart. We hear everything. Since you made me come all the way down here, I'm gonna take out some of the garbage. Royce Allen Williams, we have a few questions for you, with regard to a fire which killed three of our kind. The man: No f*cking way, man. I don't know anything. Eric: Crimes against vampires are on the rise. We even lost a sheriff just days ago. We seek answers. The man: Die, you dead fucker! End! See you at the next episode !

Plan: A: the second season premiere; Q: What is the name of the episode? A: Miss Jeanette - Tara's; Q: Who was murdered in the second season premiere? A: Miss Jeanette - Tara's fake exorcist; Q: Who was Miss Jeanette? A: Bon Temps; Q: What is the name of the town where the show is set? A: Miss Jeanette's deception; Q: What is Tara afraid her mother will relapse over? A: the police station; Q: Where does Lettie Mae go to find out what happened to Miss Jeanette? A: a ride; Q: What does Maryann give Lettie Mae? A: a basement; Q: Where is Lafayette being held? A: Royce; Q: Who is one of the rednecks who burned three vampires to death? A: Bill; Q: Who is Sookie's boyfriend? A: Jessica; Q: Who is Bill's newly made vampire charge? A: Jason impresses; Q: Who impresses Steve and Sarah Newlin? A: the Fellowship of the Sun; Q: What is the name of the anti-vampire church? A: a leadership retreat; Q: What is Jason offered a place at? A: God; Q: Who does Jason learn to serve? A: Sam; Q: Who is troubled by the presence of Maryann? A: their sexual encounter; Q: What does Sam have flashbacks about? A: one hundred thousand dollars; Q: How much money did Sam steal from Maryann? A: Daphne; Q: Who is the new waitress at Merlotte's? A: Eggs; Q: Who does Tara become closer with? A: her sexually abusive Uncle Bartlett; Q: Who did Bill kill? A: Eric; Q: Who is revealed to be keeping Lafayette captive? Summary: In the second season premiere, the shocking and brutal murder of Miss Jeanette - Tara's fake exorcist - has the entire town of Bon Temps reeling. Tara is reluctant to tell the police she knew the deceased for fear that her ex-alcoholic mother will relapse if she finds out about Miss Jeanette's deception. She eventually comes forward and is interrogated. Her worst fears are realized when her mother, Lettie Mae, shows up at the police station and is told everything. Tara is eventually released, and Maryann has some harsh words for Lettie Mae when she arrives to give Tara a ride. Meanwhile, Lafayette has been kidnapped and is being held in a basement somewhere with others - including Royce, one of the rednecks who earlier burned three vampires to death. Sookie and Bill's relationship is put to the test with Bill's newly made vampire charge Jessica's impatient ways, even when Sookie attempts to bond with her. Jason impresses Steve and Sarah Newlin, the leaders of the Fellowship of the Sun anti-vampire church and is offered a place at a leadership retreat, where he will learn to serve God. Sam is troubled by the presence of Maryann. He has flashbacks about their sexual encounter when he was seventeen and stole one hundred thousand dollars from her. He also takes on another young waitress, Daphne. Tara becomes closer with Eggs. Sookie and Bill are put on even rockier ground when she discovers that he murdered her sexually abusive Uncle Bartlett. He tells her that he did it because he loves her too much to let him get away with what he did to her. Sookie forgives him and the two passionately make love. It is revealed that Eric is the one keeping Lafayette captive and the episode ends with Royce trying to escape and Eric feeding on and tearing him apart, spraying Lafayette with blood.

Originally written by Michael Borkow Transcribed by Josh Hodge Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.] CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me? RACH: So, how was the party? CHAN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive? PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting. CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight? PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation. MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you. CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time. MNCA: Please. ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah. CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home. PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet.... OPENING TITLES [Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.] CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What? MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before. CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment] [Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind] [Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.] MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Five more. CHAN: [weakly] No. MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you. CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.] CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore. [Phoebe enters.] RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night? PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice. JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh? PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh. ALL: Sorry Phoebs. PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up? JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean. PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British. JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay. PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something. RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look? PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell. [Monica enters.] MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes. CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it. PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look. RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date? RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up. JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .? RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity. CHAN: So you really OK about all this? RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing. [Ross and Julie enter.] ROSS: Hi guys. ALL: Hey. ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK? MNCA: Only if you say his full name. ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy. MNCA: Alright. JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat? ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat. RACH: Together? ROSS: Uh huh. RACH: Both of you? ROSS: Yep. RACH: Together. JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time. RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time. ROSS: Hopefully. RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave. [Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael (MICH).] MICH: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am. RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live? MICH: [confused] I'm sorry? RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something? MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years. RACH: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking] MICH: Um, cheers. RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass] MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she? RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend. MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh. RACH: I mean he just started going out with her. MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend? RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you. MICH: Alright. RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend? [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.] PHOE: So, I figured it out. JOEY: What? PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough. JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack." PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet. JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him. PHOE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug] [Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.] [Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.] RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called? MICH: Fruitflies? RACH: Yes! Thank you. [The waiter comes to the table.] WAITER: So, would you like any dessert? MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please. RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you? MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head. RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that? MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure. RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that? MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you." RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair] GUY: Hang on. RACH: Hello, excuse me. GUY: What. RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute. GUY: I'm talkin'! RACH: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone. GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her] RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep. MICH: Good. RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.] CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday. MNCA: Why not? CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day. MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop. CHAN: OK, stop. MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo. [Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.] ROSS: Hey Rach. RACH: Ahhhh. ROSS: Oh. And how was the date? RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . . [Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.] ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy] RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me? ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night. RACH: Huh. ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages? RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.] ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael? [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.] RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.] ROSS: You're over me? RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back] ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? RACH: Ohh, ohh. ROSS: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What? RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. ROSS: You've had feelings for me? RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first. ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know? RACH: Chandler told me. ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he? RACH: When you were in China. ROSS: China. RACH: Meeting Julie. ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me? RACH: Are you over me? [A moment of silence.] [SCENE_BREAK] ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie. JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting. ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down. RACH: Wait, so, you're going? ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat. RACH: OK, OK. ROSS: Cat. [leaves] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.] PHOE: Hey Joey. JOEY: Hey Phoebs. PHOE: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar? JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you. PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did. JOEY: And? PHOE: And we did. JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go. PHOE: Yay me. JOEY: So, so how did it happen? PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on. JOEY: And what did he say? PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how s*x can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious. JOEY: Wow. PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, s*x can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him. JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea. PHOE: Um-hum. JOEY: This man is my God. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.] RACH: Hi. ROSS: I didn't get a cat. RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting. ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting. RACH: Alright, I got it Ross. ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me. RACH: [hurt] What? ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. RACH: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her. RACH: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me. ROSS: There was never a good time. RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night. ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys. RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point? ROSS: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me? ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it. RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. ROSS: Fine. RACH: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. ROSS: Good. RACH: Good. [Ross leaves] [Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.] RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure. [Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.] ROSS: Try the bottom one. [She opens the door and they kiss.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.] CLOSING CREDITS CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over. MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'. CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret. MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What? CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have. MNCA: Well, thanks. CHAN: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work. MNCA: Well, you know. CHAN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed. MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh. CHAN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on. MNCA: Well no, but um. CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all. MNCA: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . . CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for a run? MNCA: Alright. CHAN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here. MNCA: OK. Just for a little while. CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]

Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who goes on a date? A: Ross; Q: Who does Rachel obsess about after drinking too much wine? A: closure; Q: What does Rachel's date suggest she needs? A: Ross' answering machine; Q: What does Rachel leave a message on? A: Julie; Q: Who does Ross choose over Rachel? A: Chandler; Q: Who gains a few pounds? A: Monica; Q: Who volunteers to be Chandler's personal trainer? A: Joey's advice; Q: What does Phoebe take? A: the coffee shop; Q: Where does Ross go to see Rachel? Summary: Rachel goes on a date but after drinking too much wine, obsesses about Ross. Her date suggests she needs closure, so Rachel leaves a message on Ross' answering machine claiming she is "over" him. After hearing it the next morning, a stunned Ross wrestles with choosing her or Julie. Chandler gains a few pounds, so a depressed, out-of-work Monica volunteers to be his personal trainer, going overboard in the process. Phoebe takes Joey's advice when her new boyfriend is reluctant to sleep with her, only to have it backfire. Ross, upset and citing numerous reasons, tells Rachel it is too late for them to be together and he is staying with Julie. At the end of the episode, Ross goes to see Rachel at the coffee shop as she is closing up, and they passionately kiss.

Lower town - day Tom pushes a cart playfully down the street and sneaks up behind the carpet that Gwen is beating. He pops his head over the clothes line on which the carpet is hung. Tom: Boo! Gwen: Oh! Gwen holds her hand to her chest. Tom: Did I surprise you? Gwen: You certainly did! Tom: I've got another surprise for you, too. Tom hands Gwen a small, wrapped cloth. Gwen opens it, revealing a fancy button. Gwen: It's...lovely. Tom: Well, in case you ever need a spare. You know...for this... Tom holds up a colourful dress. Gwen: It's beautiful! Tom: Well, you're a beautiful girl, Gwen. You deserve beautiful things. Gwen: But how? I mean...it must have been expensive. Tom: Oh, very. But we're on the up now. Things are going to be different. Gwen: What's going on? Tom: It'll be all right. Trust me. Tom kisses her cheek. Tom: I won't be back for supper. Gwen looks at her father leaving, she seems concerned. [SCENE_BREAK] Tom's forge - night Tom works at his forge. Tom hears lots of wind. Tom: Hello? A man appears before Tom, hooded and cloaked. Tauren: Is it prepared? Tom: Yes. Look. Tauren approaches the forge and pulls down his hood, looking at the melted lead. Tauren: Very good. Tauren pulls out a stone with silver claws around it. Tom: What is that? Tauren: I'm not paying you to ask questions. The lead, please. Tom takes the lead off the forge and pours it into a mould. Tauren holds the stone over the lead and the stone glows, Merlin wakes in his chamber. Tauren: Ferian æt gylden. Tom [whispering]: You didn't say anything about magic! I don't want any trouble! Tauren: Ic búgan þéos... Merlin sits in his bed. Tauren: Ferian æt gylden. The lead turns to gold. Tom: Gold? Tauren: Pure, priceless gold. Tom drenches the gold and it steams. Tom holds up the lump of gold. Tauren: Yours, blacksmith. If you keep your mouth shut. Arthur bursts in with the guards. Tauren runs for it. Arthur: Seize him! Guard: Yes, sir. Arthur: Quickly, after him! Tauren tosses the heated materials in the water, creating a smoke screen. He knocks over a table and drops the leather bag with the stone in it. Guard: Stop! Arthur: He must be caught! Guard: Stop that man! A pair of guards stays behind, restraining Tom. Arthur turns around and takes the gold from him. Tom: Sire, please... Arthur: You're under arrest. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers - night Merlin emerges from his chamber. Gaius: Can't sleep? Merlin: Something woke me. Gaius: What? Merlin: I don't know. A feeling. Gaius: What kind of feeling? Merlin: Powerful magic, here, in Camelot. The door opens. Gwen runs into the Physician's Chambers. Merlin: Gwen. What's wrong? Gwen: My father's been arrested. Merlin: Arrested? What for? Gwen: They say he was making weapons for a sorcerer! They're charging him with treason! [SCENE_BREAK] Palace, Hedgehog chamber - night Morgana, Uther, and Arthur. Morgana's in her nightgown. Morgana: Treason!? Uther: Yes, Morgana, treason. The blacksmith was consorting with a known enemy. Morgana: Enemy? What enemy? Arthur: Tauren. The leader of a band of renegade sorcerers sworn to bring down the King. Morgana: And where is this Tauren now? Arthur: He escaped. Morgana: Well, then how can you be sure? Uther: Because Arthur saw him with his own eyes. Morgana: Well, even if the man is who you say he is, you can't sentence Tom to death for just being seen with him!? Uther: We have reason to believe he was forging weapons for Tauren. Morgana: Rubbish! He would never do such a thing. Uther: Every man has a price. Arthur slides the lump of gold across the table. Arthur: Found this on the blacksmith. Morgana: So he was paid! He's a blacksmith. He could've been paid for shoeing Tauren's horse! Uther: In gold? Morgana: This is madness! You condemn a man with no proof! Uther: I have enough proof. Morgana: Arthur! Have you nothing to say? Arthur: Father, the blacksmith committed a crime, but we don't know for certain he meant treason. Uther: No. You're right. Nothing's certain... save one thing. The law stands or this kingdom falls. Morgana: But the law must give him a fair trial! Uther: He'll get a fair trial, and he'll be found guilty, because that's what he is. Morgana: You execute Gwen's father, and I will never forgive you. Never. Morgana storms out. Arthur: Maybe we should investigate further. Uther: Tauren slept somewhere, he fed somewhere. Find anyone who helped him in any way. They must be punished. The people must see the laws of Camelot are not to be trifled with. Arthur: Yes, Father. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Gwen visits her father's cell. Tom: I didn't know Tauren was a sorcerer. I meant no harm, I swear. Gwen: Why didn't you tell me what was going on? Tom: I knew you wouldn't like it, Gwen. You're cautious. I didn't want to let an opportunity pass... Gwen: Opportunity? You call this an opportunity? Tom: I know. I've been a fool. (sigh) I just wanted to make a better life for us. For you. I wanted to make you happy. Gwen: But I am happy! I don't need anything else. I have everything I want. Tom: And I've thrown it all away! Gwen: It's all right. We will get you out of here, I promise. Gwen walks away from the bars to where Merlin and Gaius are waiting. Merlin: What did he say? Gwen: He said Tauren came to him at the forge, offered to pay him a fortune for his help, not to make weapons, for an experiment or something. Merlin: What kind of experiment? Gwen: Tauren didn't say. But he used some kind of stone...some kind of magic. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers Gaius exits Merlin's Chamber. Gaius: She's sleeping now. Merlin: I don't understand it. What would a sorcerer want with Tom? Gaius: His forge, Merlin. It's the finest in the kingdom. Merlin: You think Tom was lying? You think he really was making weapons? Gaius: No, I don't. Merlin: Then what? Gaius: When Tom was arrested, they found gold on him. Merlin: So? Gaius: And from what Gwen was saying, Tauren's experiment bears all the hallmarks of alchemy. Merlin: But alchemy's impossible, isn't it? Gaius: To change the very nature of one thing to another has defeated all who have tried. But if you used magic... Merlin: Do you think that's what woke me? Gaius: It is possible, I suppose. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower town Morgana walks to Gwen's home Morgana: Gwen? Gwen? Morgana walks to Tom's forge. Morgana: Gwen? Morgana sees the leather bag on the floor of the forge, picks it up, and pulls out the stone, it glows in her hands. Merlin senses it as he sits in a chair in his chamber. Morgana takes the stone to her chambers and puts it in a fancy box. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's chamber Morgana enters Merlin's chamber. Morgana: Merlin. Merlin: Morgana. Morgana looks at Gwen sleeping on the bed. Morgana: How is she? Merlin: She's doing OK. Morgana: We should let her rest. Merlin (whisper): Yeah. Merlin and Morgana exit his chamber. Merlin: Morgana, have you spoken to Uther? He must realise this is a mistake. Whatever Tom was doing, it wasn't plotting against the King. Morgana: I know that. Of course I do. But Uther...Uther only sees enemies. Merlin: But Tom is the most gentle soul I've ever met. Morgana: But he was seen with Tauren, and that makes him an enemy. Morgana turns to leave. Merlin: Then... Morgana stops to face him. Merlin: ...there's little hope? Morgana: There's no hope, Merlin. None at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Morgana enters. Morgana: Arthur? She walks over to the bureau and searches for a key. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Morgana visits Tom Morgana: I bring you no relief, Tom. I'm sorry. I came only to see you were comfortable. Tom: How's Gwen? Morgana: She's a brave girl. She wishes only to see you free. Tom: I know what Uther thinks about sorcery. I'm a dead man, aren't I? Morgana: I cannot see the future, only the present, and one must always seize the moment. Morgana hands him the key through the bars. Morgana: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] Entrance of the King's palace The executioner and some guards escort some men into the Square. Merlin: They're to be executed? Arthur: Yes, Merlin. Merlin: By order of the King? Arthur: They committed a serious crime. Merlin: Giving a man a bed for the night?! Arthur: Not a man, a sorcerer. Merlin: Maybe they didn't know that. Arthur: It is not for you to question my father's actions. Is that understood? Merlin: Yes, Sire. Arthur: Now go get on with whatever you're meant to be doing. Merlin leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons - night Tom lies awake in his cell that night. He pretends to be asleep when the guard comes by, then uses the key to escape. He sneaks through the dungeon tunnels, but the guard checks his cell again. Guard: Sound the warning bell! Tom knocks out a guard who's closing a dungeon gate. Tom takes his sword and the warning bell tolls. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber of Doom Uther and Arthur enter the room. Uther: He's just proved his guilt. You will kill him on sight. Arthur: But the trial, Father! Uther: The trial is a formality. Now I want him dead. And an end to it. Meanwhile,Tom tries to sneak up the Wrought Iron Stairway, but guards come down and surround him on all sides. He drops his sword. Tom: Please... Tom goes to his knees with his hands in the air. Guard: Kill him. Swords run him though. [SCENE_BREAK] Main square - day Gwen's wail echoes in the Square. Gwen: Nooooooo...! She runs down the steps to her father's body, which is being carried off on a cart by a pair of guards. Morgana watches from a window above. Gwen: No, Father!!! No, Father!!! [SCENE_BREAK] Hedgehog chamber Morgana waits for guards to open the doors and she storms in. Morgana: You have blood on your hands, Uther Pendragon! Blood that will never wash off! Uther: May I remind you that you're speaking to your King. Morgana: May I remind you that a king is wise and just. You are neither. You rule only with the sword. Uther: You know nothing of what it means to be King. The fate of Camelot rests in my hands. It's my responsibility to protect the people of this land from its enemies. Morgana: Then the kingdom is doomed! For one by one you make enemies of us all! Uther: You speak treason, Morgana. Morgana: Only a mad man hears the truth as treason. Uther: Take care, child, or I'll have you restrained. Morgana: You just try. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Morgana is dragged into a large prison cell by some guards and chained to the wall. Uther: And you will remain here until you learn your lesson. Morgana: Then release me because I've learned it already! That you care not for me, or anyone but yourself! That you're driven mad with power! That you're a tyrant! [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's chamber Gwen sits on the bed in Merlin's Chamber, staring off into space. Merlin enters. Merlin: All right? Gwen: I just don't understand. Why did he try to escape? His trial was this morning. Someone knocks gently on the door. Arthur enters and Gwen stands up quickly to face him. Gwen: Sire. Arthur: Guinevere, I...want you to know that your job is safe. And that your home is yours for life. I guarantee you that. I... know that under the circumstances it's not much but, anything you want, anything you need, all you have to do is ask. Arthur begins to leave but pauses and turns back around. Arthur: I'm sorry. Gwen: Thank you, Sire. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower town - night Gwen walks home from the palace. She pauses to take her dress off of the clothes line before going inside. Tauren steps out from the shadows and grabs her from behind, covering her mouth. Tauren (whisper): I want the stone! Where is it? Gwen tries to shake her head, Tauren lifts his hand from her mouth. Gwen: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know anything about... Tauren clamps his hand back over her mouth. Tauren: Now you listen to me. In two days' time, I'll be at the Darkling Woods at dawn. You find the stone, you bring it to me, or you will die. Do I make myself clear? Gwen (muffled): (nods) Mm-hmm! [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers Gaius flips through a book as Merlin exits his chamber. Gaius: Merlin, come and take a look. I've been doing some research and found this. Merlin: The Mage Stone? Gaius: Wonder of the ancients. Lost for a thousand years or more. Merlin: What does it do? Gaius: Theoretically, it could give the bearer the power of transformation. Merlin: Gold. The power of alchemy. Gaius: Exactly. I believe it was the Mage Stone you sensed on the night of Tom's arrest. Merlin: Of course! Gwen said that Tauren had some kind of stone. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Morgana sits on the floor of her cell. The door opens and Arthur enters. Morgana: You. How proud you must be. Son of the mighty Uther. How you must look up to him. Does the King's little helper bring a message? Or have you just come to gloat? Arthur: Guards! Morgana stands up and backs away, pulling on her chains. Morgana: Get away from me, you cowards! Arthur: You're free to go. The guards remove her manacles and leave. She walks to the door. Arthur Morgana. She pauses just behind Arthur. Morgana: Yes? Arthur: I swore to him you'd never challenge his authority again. I swore that you'd learned your lesson. Tread carefully. Next time, I may not be able to help you. Morgana: Thank you. You're a better man than your father. Always were. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's chambers Morgana enters her chambers, where Gwen is sitting. Gwen goes to Morgana quickly. Gwen: My Lady! Morgana: Gwen. I didn't expect to see you here. Gwen: What happened to you?! Morgana: Nothing. Well, nothing a hot bath wouldn't fix. Gwen sees the sores on Morgana's arms where the manacles rubbed. Morgana: I spent the night in the dungeon. Gwen: Uther. Morgana: He doesn't like to be challenged. Gwen: It wasn't about my father, was it? Morgana: You have enough to deal with without worrying about such things. Gwen: You shouldn't have done that! Not on my behalf. If anything happened to you, I couldn't bear it. Morgana: You need to go home, Gwen. Get some rest. Please. Gwen: I'm fine, My Lady. Morgana: I insist. Gwen walks past Morgana with her head bowed, picking up a hair brush. Morgana: Gwen? Gwen stops, her back to Morgana, trying not to cry. Morgana: Gwen? Gwen: I can't go home! Morgana: It's understandable to feel so alone. Gwen: Tauren... Morgana: Tauren? Gwen: He attacked me. He threatened me. He was looking for some kind of stone. Morgana: Stone? Gwen: He said if I didn't bring it to him, he'd kill me. He's waiting for me in the Darkling Woods. I have to do something. If I don't get this stone to him by dawn tomorrow... Morgana begins walking off purposefully. Gwen: What are you going to do? Morgana: I'm going to send the guards, of course. It won't be you that Tauren meets. It'll be the Knights of Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's chamber/Morgana's chambers/forest- night Merlin wakes when he senses the Mage Stone's power as Morgana holds it in her chambers. He gets out of bed and sees her walking out of Camelot. He follows her through the Lower Town and into the woods, where she is surrounded by Tauren's men. He hides behind a tree and listens in on their conversation. Tauren: Where's your maid? Morgana: I've come in her place. Tauren: Kill her. Morgana: No! Wait! I brought the Stone! Morgana reaches for the stone. Tauren: What else have you brought, My Lady? The Knights of Camelot? Morgana: I came alone, I promise you. Tauren: Give me the stone. Morgana hands it over. Tauren: You were foolish to come here. I had no quarrel with your maid. But you, My Lady Morgana, you are Uther's ward. He draws his sword and puts it to her stomach. Morgana: If you kill me, you'll regret it. Tauren: Why is that? Morgana: Because I want Uther dead, too. Tauren: You? An enemy of the King? And I'm to believe that? Morgana: Why else would I be here? Tauren: I can only guess at your motives, My Lady. You could be a spy, for all I know. Morgana: And this... She flips back her sleeves, revealing her sore, bruised wrists. Morgana: Is it usual for Uther to chain his friends to a dungeon wall? The stone. You took it to the forge. Why? Tauren: With it a man can alter the very essence of things. He can turn a lump of lead into gold. Morgana: Gold? A good man died in your quest for riches, Tauren. His daughter is now an orphan. Tauren: I'm sorry for that. Truly. But we did not want the gold to line our pockets. The gold was but a means, a means to rid this kingdom of Uther Pendragon once and for all. Morgana: What are you saying? Tauren: Bribery is rife at Camelot. I will use the corruption at the heart of his kingdom, and such abundance of gold will buy me into the King's chambers, even to the King himself. Morgana: The guards may be fools, Tauren, but the King is not. Tauren: Do you have a better plan? Morgana: To get to Uther, you need someone close to him. Tauren: And you know of such a person? Morgana: I do. Me. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers Merlin stares into his bowl at dinner. Gaius: Pass the salt, please. Merlin hands him an apple without looking. Gaius: You all right? Merlin: What? Yeah. I've just got a few things on my mind, that's all. Gaius: Anything you'd like to talk to me about? Merlin: I can't imagine you'd be interested. Gaius: So long as you're sure. Merlin: I should be getting to work. Merlin gets up and heads to the door behind him. Gaius: Er, Merlin? Merlin stops and turns. Gaius: That's a broom cupboard. [SCENE_BREAK] Dragon's cave Merlin walks down the Tunnel Stairway with a torch and enters the Dragon's Cave. Kilgharrah is sleeping. Merlin clears his throat pointedly. The dragon stirs. Kilgharrah: Well, young warlock, what is it you come to ask of me? Merlin: I need your help. Kilgharrah: Of course you do, but this time, will you heed my words? Merlin: The sorcerer Tauren is plotting to kill the King. He's made an ally of Morgana. I don't know what to do... Kilgharrah: Do...nothing. Merlin: What do you mean? If I do nothing, Uther will die. Kilgharrah: Don't you want Uther dead? It is Uther that persecutes you and your kind, Merlin. It is Uther that murders the innocent... Merlin: But surely that doesn't make it right to kill him. Kilgharrah: Only if Uther dies can magic return to the land. Only if Uther dies will you be free, Merlin. Uther's reign is at an end. Let Arthur's reign begin. Fulfil your destiny! The dragon flies off. Merlin: Wait! Where does it say my destiny includes murder? Kilgharrah: Free this land from tyranny, Merlin! Free us all! [SCENE_BREAK] Council chamber of doom - night Uther eats alone. Morgana enters. Uther: I didn't expect to see you. You wish to say something? Morgana: I came to apologise, My Lord. Uther: Good. Morgana stiffens. Morgana: I didn't mean to rile you. I thought only of Gwen. The poor girl is all alone in the world. Uther: It was not my intention to hurt your maid. Morgana: I know. But now she suffers, and I know how she must suffer. Uther: Morgana... Morgana: I only meant, I know what it's like to lose a father. Uther: That was a terrible day. Your father was a great friend. I had no part in his death. Morgana: You sent him into battle. You promised him reinforcements and then gave him none. You sent him to his death. Uther: That is not true. It was never my intention. Morgana: But it happened! And it keeps on happening. Uther: Morgana! Morgana: I'm sorry, My Lord. Morgana turns to leave, looking upset, but her expression clears when she faces the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers Merlin: Do you think Uther's a good king? Gaius: Sorry? Merlin: Em... Uther. Do you think he's good for the kingdom? Gaius: Yes. Yes, I do. In the light of recent events, you may find that hard to believe. Merlin: Hard? No. Impossible? Definitely. Gaius: Merlin... Merlin: Everyone hates him. Gaius: It is not Uther's job to be liked. It is Uther's job to protect the kingdom. Most of his methods are right. Sometimes he may go too far. Merlin: Really? You mean like executing anyone who even passes a sorcerer on the street? Gaius: Yes. But despite Uther's failings, he has brought peace and prosperity to this kingdom. Merlin: But at what cost? At the cost of women and children, fathers and sons! When will it end? Gaius: It will end when Arthur is King. Merlin: Then why not let that time be now? Why not let Arthur be King? Gaius: Arthur's not ready. The responsibility would be too great. Brave though he may be, he lacks experience, he lacks judgment. Is there anything you want to tell me? Merlin: I can't...I, I just...No, I can't. You've just got to trust me. Gaius, it's something I've got to work out for myself. Gaius: I do trust you, Merlin. Whatever it is, I know you'll make the right decision. [SCENE_BREAK] Throne room/Griffin staircase - day Uther watches from a Throne Room window as Morgana walks down the palace steps into the Square with Gwen. Morgana walks down the curved steps from her chambers to the Griffin Landing, Uther rounds the corner behind her. Uther: Morgana! Morgana stops, but doesn't turn around. Uther: I'm not disturbing you, I hope? Morgana: Not at all. Uther: These are difficult times. They put a strain on us all. Morgana: Yes, My Lord. Uther: I cannot tell you how much it pains me to be at odds with you. Morgana: And I with you. Uther: I've been thinking about what you said. And, er, I realise I may have been insensitive. I should have foreseen the distress that your maid's loss would cause you, that it would stir old memories. I've opened an old wound. For that, I'm sorry. Morgana goes to Uther. Morgana: My Lord, it gladdens my heart to hear these words. I too wish to heal these wounds. Let us visit my father's grave together and put the past behind us. Uther: Nothing would give me greater happiness. Morgana: Shall we leave tomorrow at first light? Uther: I will make arrangements. [SCENE_BREAK] King's palace, entrance - night Morgana meets Tauren outside the palace walls at night. Tauren: So, My Lady, what news? Morgana: Uther has fallen for the bait. We ride out in the morning for the Old Cairn on the hill. Tauren: Are you sure you're committed to this? Morgana: More than ever I want Uther dead as much as you. As much as anyone in this rotten kingdom of his. Tauren: Then the deed is as good as done. Merlin sees Tauren leave and sneaks back behind the castle wall. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot main square/Arthur's chambers - day Uther and Morgana's party rides out of the Square the next morning. Merlin watches from Arthur's Chambers. Gwen walks past and notices him staring out the window. Gwen: Merlin? Merlin: Gwen. How are you doing? Gwen: I was about to ask you the same question. Merlin: I'm fine. Fine. Gwen looks out the window at the riding party. Gwen: Morgana's been amazing these last few days. Merlin: I think you've been amazing. After all that's happened, getting your life back together... Gwen: It's better than sitting in an empty house, waiting for my father to walk through the door. The thing I find hardest to bear is that people will always think he was guilty because he tried to escape. Merlin: I know he was innocent. Gwen: I think he tried to escape because he knew that whatever he said or did he'd be killed. Uther had already made up his mind. That's the kind of man he is. Merlin: I wouldn't blame you if you wanted him dead. Gwen: If Uther died I'd feel nothing. He means nothing to me. Merlin: But if you had...you know...the choice, what would you do? If you had the power of life and death over Uther, would you kill him? For what he did? Gwen: No! Merlin: No? Gwen: What would that solve? That would make me a murderer. That would make me as bad as him. Merlin: You're right. Of course you're right. Merlin runs out of the room. Gwen: Is anything wrong?! Merlin: No, no! See you later! [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's chamber Merlin runs into his chamber and grabs Sophia Tír-Mòr's staff from under his bed. [SCENE_BREAK] Gorlois's grave Tauren and his men hide behind trees in the forest that the riding party passes through. Morgana and Uther dismount at the bottom of the hill. Morgana: Do you think that we could have some privacy? Uther: Fine. Wait here. We're in no danger. Guard: Sire. Merlin runs through the woods with the staff. Morgana and Uther climb the hill to the gravesite. Merlin approaches their horses and finds the Camelot guards dead; he sees the renegades pursuing Uther. Morgana kneels at Gorlois's gravestone. Morgana: Father... Uther sticks his sword in the ground. Merlin approaches the renegades and raises the staff. Merlin (whisper): Ácwele! A bolt of energy shoots out and kills one of the renegades, the other one draws his sword and Merlin shoots him, too. Uther approaches the grave and places his hand on Morgana's head. Uther: Your father was the greatest man I've ever known. He stood for everything this kingdom represents. Truth, justice, valour. A hundred times he saved my life on the battlefield. His courage and his honour were without equal. Uther kneels and kisses gravestone. Uther: When Gorlois died, I lost the truest friend I ever had. For he was as fearless in questioning my judgment as he was in defending my kingdom. That's the mark of a true friend. Morgana: I know how he respected you, My Lord. But I don't share these memories. How can I? I was ten years old. I only know I loved him and he was taken from me. Uther: When he died, and I took you into my care, you fought me from the beginning. Your will is as strong as my own. You challenge me as a friend must. As your father did in his time. Morgana: And when I do, you clap me in irons. Uther: I know I'm not an easy man. My temper...blinds me sometimes. There are things that I regret. Morgana: Gwen's father? Uther: Yes. Morgana looks at Uther, surprised. Morgana: Are you saying you were wrong to have Tom killed? Uther: Yes. Tauren watches them from behind a tree, but he hears Merlin sneaking up behind him. He moves and pulls out the Mage Stone. Merlin: Ácwele! Merlin raises the staff and shoot, but Tauren absorbs the energy bolt with the Stone and sends it back at Merlin. Merlin is knocked unconscious. Tauren sneaks up behind Uther. Uther: I will strive to listen to you more and quarrel with you less. You've been a blessing to me, Morgana. You are the daughter I never had. Your counsel is invaluable, as is your friendship and your love. Without you, I cannot hope to be the king this land deserves Morgana: My Lord...! Uther: Please forgive me, Morgana. Morgana sees Tauren sneaking up behind Uther with a raised sword. Morgana: No! No! Uther blocks the blow and wrestles with Tauren. Merlin wakes. Tauren pins Uther down and draws a dagger, which Uther tries to block. Tauren: Die, Uther Pendragon! Merlin approaches with the staff, but Tauren is stabbed in the back. Uther pushes him off and Morgana drops the dagger. Merlin climbs the bottom of the hill to see Uther hugging Morgana [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers Merlin enters. Gaius: Ah, busy day? Merlin: Had its moments. Gaius: I hear that Tauren tried to assassinate Uther. Merlin: That's what I hear. Gaius: And that Morgana saved him. How many men were there? Three? Four? Merlin: Yeah, something like that. Gaius: Morgana must have shown extraordinary courage to have defended a king against such odds. I suppose you had nothing to do with it? Merlin: Oh, you know. Just background stuff. Gaius: No need to be so modest, Merlin. Merlin: Sorry. Gaius: It's not a criticism. It's a compliment. Merlin: Right. Thanks, Gaius.

Plan: A: Tauren; Q: Who approaches Gwen's father Tom? A: the alchemist's stone; Q: What does Tauren possess? A: Tom's help; Q: Who does Tauren approach for help? A: base metal; Q: What does Tauren want Tom to turn into gold? A: the king; Q: Who does Tauren want to overthrow? A: The palace guards; Q: Who raids the smithy? A: death; Q: What is Tom's sentence? A: Morgana; Q: Who saves Uther? A: an argument; Q: What does Morgana and Uther have? A: Merlin; Q: Who overhears Morgana and Tauren's plot? A: Tauren's trap; Q: What is the name of the trap Morgana leads Uther into? A: Uther's life; Q: What does Morgana save? A: heart; Q: What does Morgana have a change of? Summary: Gwen's father Tom (Camelot's blacksmith) is approached by Tauren, who possesses the alchemist's stone and wants Tom's help in turning base metal into gold which he intends to use to overthrow the king. The palace guards raid the smithy and Tauren escapes while Tom is caught and sentenced to death. Morgana gives him the key to the cells, but Tom is killed trying to escape. Having spent time in the cells following an argument with Uther, Morgana retrieves the alchemist's stone and delivers it to Tauren. She joins Tauren's plot to assassinate Uther, unaware that Merlin is listening in. On the pretext of visiting her father's grave, Morgana leads Uther into Tauren's trap. Merlin must decide whether Uther's life is worth saving. However, in the end, is Morgana who has a change of heart and saves Uther.

[Scene: College Advisor's Office. Joey is sitting in the chair while the advisor gets some files from the cabinet then sits down at her desk.] Advisor: It suits you. Joey: What's that? Advisor: The look-- deer standing in the road of senior year, caught in the headlights of college indecision. Joey: I'm seriously considering just running away and joining the circus. Advisor: Well...What do you say we keep that one as a fallback? Ok? I know this college application process can be pretty daunting, Joey, but you... Are well ahead of the game. Except for... Williams College. I'm missing your peer recommendation from "the person who knows you best." Joey: Right. [Clears throat] Advisor: you've got the easy part. You just have to pick someone. Joey: Mm-hmm. Advisor: Is that gonna be a problem? Joey: No. I was just kind of hoping to take a vacation from large choices that carry even larger consequences. Advisor: Hmm. Ok. Try this. Close your eyes. Just...Humor me. Joey: [Chuckles uncomfortably] Advisor: Ok... Clear your mind of everything. It's just air up there. Joey: [Chuckles] Advisor: Ok. Now picture the question... Who is the person that knows you... Joey potter... The best? Ok. Open your eyes. Who'd you see? [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Andie's Bedroom. Andie is going through some stuff in her room, when Pacey comes in carrying some books.] Pacey: Lugging your literature to and fro is getting tiresome, Mcphee. Andie: Oh, well, pardon me if I'm not in a rush to hit those high school halls and be stared at like some kind of social leper. Pacey: It won't be like that. Andie: Oh, come on! I mean, can't you hear it? "Ooh, there's that really smart girl who almost chemed herself to death inside the inflatable fun house." Pacey: Andie, if our high school didn't have a history of forgiving stupidity, how do you think I'd be able to walk down the halls, huh? Andie: You know, you guys have been really good about coming to visit me. But, uh, you've all been alone. Nobody's talkin' about the other night, and no one's talking to each other. Pacey: Well, yeah, we're not the most huggy of groups right now. I mean, our previously fractured circle of friends has just gone and fractured itself again. Andie: You mean Jen and Jack. Pacey: No, I mean everybody. Andie: That's ridiculous, because we all talked about this. Pacey: Well, you talked about it. You gave me the whole "two to tango" speech, but so far as I can tell, every tango needs someone to lead. Andie: And why is everybody so insistent that that person has to be Jen? I told you. It's not her fault. Ok. I'm gonna fix this. I'm just gonna get ahold of her and-- Pacey: Why? Honestly. Why, Andie? I mean... Maybe not all friendships need to be saved. Maybe we're meant to just spend a certain part of our lives with certain people and then move on. Isn't that what this whole year is supposed to be about anyway--movin' on? Andie: Pacey, we can move on without moving away from each other. Pacey: Well, maybe we can't. [Scene: Mr. Brook's Hose. Dawson is cleaning up after finishing painting Mr. Brook's House, when Mr. Brook's Comes out to join him.] Mr. Brooks: Well, it's about damn time. Dawson: [Chuckling] please, Mr. Brooks. Your heaping praise for a job well done could swell a young man's head. Mr. Brooks: Two things about that statement trouble me, Mr. Leery. You used the word "well" and the word "done." "Well" would imply that your brush strokes don't streak all to hell, and "done" would suggest that your work here's complete, neither of which could be further from the truth. Dawson: What do you— Mr. Brooks: cheap paint, applied by even cheaper labor, wouldn't even come close to covering the cost to repair what you and your friends did to my boat. Dawson: I understand that from your point of view what we did was— Mr. Brooks: illegal. Dawson: Right. But, look, it was a matter of life and death. Mr. Brooks: Well, compared to that, what's a little matter of whitewashing my fence? Dawson: Well, there's... [Chuckles]... The issue of my untouched applications for higher learning. Mr. Brooks: Ha ha! Believe me, Mr. Leery, from my observations, it isn't gonna be all that high. Dawson: Look, the thing is, I just don't have the time. Mr. Brooks: You're a resourceful lad. After all, you found time to steal a boat when you needed to. Now, if you want me to honor my promise not to press charges, you need to honor yours by workin' off your debt. All right? [Scene: Capeside High Hallway. Jen is opening her locker, when she notices Jack walking down the hall in her direction. When Jack looks up and sees her there, he stops and turns around and heads off in the other direction. Suddenly Drue walks up from behind Jen and cover's her eyes with his hands.] Drue: Guess who. Jen: Rough skin. Questionable odor. If I were a betting woman, I'd say my least favorite person on earth. Drue: Wrong. It's me. Jen: Drue, I thought that you and I had come to some sort of understanding. Drue: And what understanding might that be? Jen: That the best thing that you could do for me and the rest of civilization would be curl up and die. Drue: Normally, I'd welcome a round of banter, but there's somethin' we need to address. I've been gettin' the vibe from your friends that they think I'm a bad influence on you. We can't have them not wanting to play with me. How will I occupy my time? Jen: Drue, because of you, my friends aren't even speaking to me. Drue: Not even the precious Jack? Jen: [Slams locker] That is none of your business. Drue: You're right. Never mix business with pleasure. And nothing gives me more pleasure than to see you and the rest of your buddies all conflicted. Frankly, I didn't think it'd actually be this easy. And yet, here you are, avoiding all of them and talking to me. It's startin' to feel just like old times, huh? Jen: This is nothin' like old times, Drue. Drue: You know, no matter what or who you did, I've always been there with you, not pretending to be and then judgin' you afterwards. Can you say the same about your new friends? Jen: I can say this much. I don't care if every friend that I have in Capeside never speaks to me again. I will not look to you for solace or support... Ever. Drue: Just remember, Jen... That which does not kill me... Makes me more diabolical. [Scene: Pacey and Gretchen's Place. Pacey pulls up in the family SUV, and goes inside to find Joey sitting on the couch waiting for him, and Gretchen in the kitchen.] Pacey: Hey. Joey: Hey. Pacey: Andie sends her best. Joey: I was wondering where you were. Gretchen: Ahem! Don't mean to interrupt, but, Pacey, what day is it? Pacey: Thursday. Gretchen: And Thursday is... Pacey: The day after Wednesday. Gretchen: Ha ha! Cute. I'd like to see how cute you are when you find out there's nothing left to eat but junior mints and stale cookie crisps. Pacey: Because Thursday is the day a certain sibling is supposed to remember he's on grocery duty. [Sighs] Got the keys, boltin' out the door. [He kisses Joey] Gretchen: You--you want the list? Pacey: Not right now. Mmm-uhh! [He kisses her again] Gretchen: The list. Pacey: Don't believe a word she says. She lies. Gretchen: Good-bye, Pacey. [Pacey leaves] Gretchen: Tell me everything before the enemy returns to camp. Joey: Actually, Gretchen... There is something that I've been meaning to ask. Gretchen: What's that? Joey: How'd you manage it? Gretchen: What's that? Joey: Avoid college application dysphoria? Gretchen: You know, you might be dating one, Joey, but you still can't out-Witter a Witter, especially an older one. Joey: What do you mean? Gretchen: Avoidance. You've had something on your mind ever since you waltzed in here. And I've finally got it down to a subject, but I still need the text. So spill. [They head outside and sit on a bench.] Joey: Ok. I'm one recommendation short of finishing my application. To Williams. Gretchen: That's great! Joey: You haven't heard the punch line yet. Um, it's a peer rec to be written by... The person who knows me best. Gretchen: Ah. And the plot thickens. So, have you asked him yet? Joey: Who? Gretchen: Dawson. Joey: Dawson? Well, see, uh... If I ask Dawson-- not that I'm going to-- but if I do ask him... Gretchen: What about Pacey? Joey: Exactly. What about Pacey? I mean, no matter which one I ask, somebody's gonna get hurt. Gretchen: But that person shouldn't be you by default. You've gotta be a little selfish here. They want the person who knows you the best, not the person you happen to be dating. Joey: So you're saying I should ask Dawson? Gretchen: I'm saying you should answer the question. [Scene: The Mcphee living room. Andie and Mr. Mcphee are sitting on the couches watching TV. Actually Mr. Mcphee is spending more time looking at her than the TV.] Andie: I--I could flip to something else, something you might actually want to watch. Mr. Mcphee: I'm pretty obvious, aren't I? Andie: Unhh. Fact of the matter is, I'm not really watching it, either. [notices him staring] What? What is it? Mr. Mcphee: I've been watchin' you this past week. And thinking. I've made a lot of mistakes with this family. I want to fix that. Andie: You don't have to— Mr. Mcphee: I spoke to Principal Peskin this afternoon. You have more than enough credits to graduate. And now with your early acceptance to university, all that you really need to do is walk come June. So...What would you think about taking the rest of the school year off? Andie: To do what? Uh, get a job? Mr. Mcphee: You know, that's not exactly what I had in mind. I was trying to remember the last time I saw you relax. No responsibilities. No burden, no worries. And then... I remembered your face that summer in Florence with, uh, aunt Georgia? There was this market. Andie: Yeah, in that square by her flat? Mr. Mcphee: I mean, you were running from cart to cart... Charming everyone. Andie: Come on, dad. I was 11. Mr. Mcphee: It was more than that, Andie. You were free. Andie: Are you saying that I should go to Italy? Mr. Mcphee: Georgia says she'd be delighted to have some company. And you're always talking about spending time in Europe. Andie: Uh...I don't know if I sh— Mr. Mcphee: Andie. The next 4 years are gonna be even more intense than the last 4. Trust me. This might be your only chance... In your whole life... For an opportunity like this. Think about it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Mcphee House. Jack is sitting at the table working on the laptop computer, on AOL, when he gets the “You've Got Mail” sound. Andie looks over his shoulder to see that it is an email from Jen, that he deletes without reading.] Jack: [disgruntled sigh] Andie: you can't keep avoiding her. Jack: I can try. Andie: This is Jen Lindley that we're talking about. Jack: I know. And I know what you're trying to do, Andie, but right now, I'm not willing to have this conversation. Andie: Ok. So, dad wants me to take the rest of the year off. How's that for a conversation? Jack: Oh, off of what? Andie: Off of everything. I mean... We haven't made any final decisions yet. Jack: H-hold on. So you get all the perks of senior year at Capeside with no homework Where do I sign up?. Andie: Actually, I wouldn't be...In Capeside. I'd be in Italy. [Chuckles] in Florence, to be exact. Jack: You'd live with aunt g? Wow. We haven't-- we haven't seen her since, um... Andie: Forever. I know. But remember how much I loved it? Jack: I'm sorry, Andie. It just-- it just sounds like you'd be running away. Andie: From what? Jack: You tell me. I mean, you've been looking forward to senior year with anticipation that often borders on frightening, and then here it is and you want to leave. And you stay, and you have 6 months of zero responsibility, surrounded by family and friends. Andie: Yeah, friends who can't even stand to be in the same room with one another. Jack: That's exactly my point. Do you really want to leave when you're the only one that everyone's still talking to? Andie: Jack, you make it sound like there's no valid reason for me to go. Jack: Yeah, I always pictured you as the girl... Who didn't just go to the last party of senior year... But threw it. You'd leave and miss the end of this? All of it? That's not somethin' I thought you'd ever do. But then again... [Chuckles]... I guess I've been, uh... Makin' that mistake about a lot of people these days. [Scene: Capeside High Councilor's Office. Jen walks in to see Mitch, Grams, and officer, and Ms. Valentine there waiting for her.] Mitch: Jen. Thanks for comin' down. Jen: Yeah. No problem. Mitch: This is officer Morris from juvenile correction. Jen: What's up? Drue: I had to tell them. [Jen didn't notice him and is startled] Drue: We've been naughty, naughty kids, Jen, and frankly, we need help. Jen: Drue, what are you doin'? Drue: What's best. I told 'em all about our mutual experience with ecstasy... And how we both contributed to the delinquency of poor Andie Mcphee. Mitch: Have a seat, Jen. Jen: Listen. You can't believe a word that this guy says. He's just— Ms. Valentine: A victim. Drue had finally cleaned up his act. Jen: Does anybody want to hear my side of the story before handing down a sentence? Drue: It's not about punishment, Jen. It's about prevention. Jen: Are you guys actually buying this crap? Grams: Jennifer. Drue: Are you saying that we don't have a past speckled with recreational drug use? Jen: I'm saying that I don't have a present. Grams, please. You know me. Ask. Drue: Jen. I've admitted to my part. I mean... I admit that I gave you the drugs. And somehow they got from your hands to... Andie's nervous system. I--I mean, do I fib? Ms. Valentine: If I may point out? That by coming forward with this information, my son has clearly demonstrated that he is ready to tackle his past indiscretions. Mitch: I think we all appreciate Drue's forthcoming nature. Officer: And...In recognition of that, I think this can all be handled with 100 hours of community service. Grams: Excuse me. [Grams leaves] Drue: Wait—so we'll meet up later... Discuss which part of the community is most in need of servicing? [Outside the school, Jen runs after Grams who is walking very quickly.] Jen: So, do I start packing my bags immediately, or should I wait until after dinner? Grams, will you listen to me, please? I am so, so sorry. Grams: No. I--I do not... Want to have this conversation, Jennifer. I thought we had a relationship based on honesty and truth. I will not yell. I will not punish. Scolding is for children, and, Jennifer, you are no longer a child. I wish to god you were. Maybe then there'd still be time to right whatever it is that's wrong with you. I have never... In all my life... Been so deeply disappointed in anything or anyone. I don't even... I don't even have the words. [Grams walks away without her.] [Scene: The outside of the Mcphee House. Jen comes up to the front door and rings the door bell and Jack answers the door.] Jen: Hey. I got your e-mail. I was surprised. I wasn't sure if you were ever gonna write back. Jack: I didn't. Jen: Well, if you didn't, then— Jack: Andie. Jen: Probably figured it was the only way to get the two of us to break our code of silence. Jack: Well, that would require both of us wanting it broken. Look, I didn't e-mail you. I don't have anything to say to you. Jen: Come on, Jack, what do you want? You want to just be angry, fine. But...I mean, at some point, you're gonna have to tell me how to fix this. You want me to say "sorry"? I have. I've apologized for making a mistake... For--for poor judgment. I've apologized for things that I don't even think were really my fault. I'm 17, and...I... I just--I did something stupid. But when you--when you're close to somebody and they do something unexplained or out of character... You don't--you don't just abandon them. You, of all people, should understand. It's killing me what you're doing. You may not ever do what I did, but what you're doing right now, I can tell you, I would never do to anybody, e-especially you. [Jen closes the door and leaves, and Andie who has watched this from behind Jack is just looking at him] Jack: There. We talked. Now do you get it, Andie? Nothin' you can do is ever gonna fix this. [Scene: The Leery Front Porch. Joey is about to knock on the door, when she has second thoughts and stops herself. She turns to leave and walk down the steps when she notices Dawson coming out of the Garage carrying a lot of painting supplies.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. Need some help with that? Dawson: Yeah. Yeah. Something tells me you didn't come all the way over here just to help me carry paint, so... Did you finally realize how wrong it is I've been working off our debt to Mr. Brooks all by myself? Joey: Me and my yacht club employment are forever in your debt, Dawson. Dawson: Right. Right. I'll put it on your tab. So, um... Are you...Gonna ask me? Joey: Ask what? Dawson: You've got your favor face on. Joey: I do not. Dawson: Oh, now you've got your "I'm lying" face on. Joey: Ok. Um... It's, uh... Here. [She hands him the Peer Recommendation.] Dawson: "The person who knows you best." Wow. Wow. Joey: You said that already. Dawson: Yeah. I... Thought it had more impact the second time. Joey: So, what do you think? Dawson: What do you think? Joey: I think that... I want you to say that you'll write it for me. Dawson: Are you sure that I'm the right person? I mean, does Pacey know about this? Joey: No. Uh...But if you say yes, he will. Are you the right person, Dawson? Well, you're the only person who knows that I have a favor face. I'm just asking that you ponder the possibility, ok? And...If you do decide to write it, then... You're the right person. Dawson: Ok. [Commercial Break.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Mr. Brooks House. Dawson is painting the fence around his house, when Mr. Brooks pops his head out and calls to Dawson.] Mr. Brooks: Mr. Leery! Unless you'd like to starve to death, you better get in here! Dawson: [Sighs] [Inside the house Dawson notices several pictures of different people all over the walls. He goes to the table and sits down and takes a bite of the dinner.] Mr. Brooks: Food's in here! Dawson: Mr. Brooks, this is really good. Mr. Brooks: Oh, you're not one of them. Dawson: One of who? Mr. Brooks: One of those teenagers who can't stand a moment of good old-fashioned silence. If the dinner table was meant for talking, they'd call it the talking table. Dawson: You know what? I'm gonna take this outside. Mr. Brooks: Oh, yeah, well, that's why your friends never come over here and help you. You don't face your issues, leery. You just take 'em outside. You keep doin' that, you're gonna end up doin' a hell of a lot more than just painting alone. Dawson: [Snickers] well, what about you? You got a whole wall full of photographs, full of people who I've never seen before. Who--who are they? You once critiqued my photography, saying I didn't have enough life in my pictures. I would say you've got the opposite problem. Where are these pictures in your life? [Mr. Brooks stands up and walks over to where Dawson is holding the picture.] Mr. Brooks: My brothers. 30 years ago, they came to me asking for money to start their own business. My gut was screaming no. Didn't feel right. Timing was not the best, but they needed me. And even though your gut said no... I invested a lot. The business lost a lot, and so did I. As you take on years, Mr. Leery, you'll come to realize that you don't always lose people from your life by choice. Sometimes it, uh... Just happens... When you make the wrong ones. [Scene: Andie's Bedroom. Andie is sitting on the bed writing some stuff down, when there is a knock on her door and Pacey walks in carrying more books.] [Knock on door] Andie: hey! Pacey: Hey. I got some A.P. English here with a side of calc. Andie: Ooh. Thanks. [Chuckles] uh... Pacey... Nggghh! I have a secret. And...I know that we haven't shared one of these in a long time, but...I really need to tell you, or I'm gonna burst. Pacey: Sure, thing... What's goin' on? Andie: Ok. Um... My dad suggested that I take the rest of the school year off. Yeah. That I go to Italy for 6 months and see my aunt. Pacey: Well, that's... Quite an offer. Andie: Yeah. And I know why he's making it. I mean, obviously, because of last week, he's worried, but... Also we talked about it. You know? I mean we really talked about this, and... It's just different this time. Pacey: So, what does Jack have to say about all this? Andie: I thought he was gonna be the first one to volunteer to help me pack up. Right? But instead, he... He gives me all these sound arguments and reasons for why I should stay. You know, he left once, too. Pacey: Yeah, but he moved across town, not across the world. Andie: So my father wants what's best for my health, my brother is being selfish out of love. Pacey: And you want a tiebreaker. Andie: Come on, Pacey. You've done it before. In fact, you almost made a hobby out of saving this damsel in distress. Pacey: I didn't save you. You saved yourself. You just took me along for the ride. Andie: Well, then why can't I save myself now? Why is making this decision so hard? You know, maybe Jack is right. Maybe going to Italy is running away. Pacey: From what? Andie: From everything! Taking the easy way out. Packing up when life hits a rough patch. Pacey: Or...Maybe this is exactly what you need... To have the strength, the will, to take off the training wheels and...Try riding on your own for a while. Andie: I don't know if I can do that, Pacey. I mean, a lot of what's been happening is because of me. And what are people gonna think if? Pacey: Andie. You can. You spend way too much time worryin' about everybody else. We all do. But at the end of the day, it's your life. It's not your dad's, it's not Jack's, it's not mine. It's yours, and you get to live it. So you're the tiebreaker, Andie. [Scene: The Capeside Community Center. Jen and Drue are sitting on a couch, while Drue flips through a binder.] Drue: Hey. We can help build a new community center for kids. Jen: Just shut up, Drue. Drue: Jenny... This little rift of ours troubles me so. I mean, I felt that we were growing apart, and we need to spend some quality time together. And I could only help but dream of us pickin' up pieces of trash on the roadside and how that city-provided orange jumpsuit would just hug you in all the right places. Jen: Drue, you forget that I know you. You did this to look better to everybody else, to protect that inner iago of yours. But I think that you'll find that no amount of apologizing is good enough for these people once they've made up their minds about who you are. Drue: These people have no idea who we are, Jen. That's what I've been tryin' to tell you. These are not your people. I am your people. And all that Capeside will ever be for you... Is your past. [Scene: The Mcphee Kitchen. Andie is sitting at the counter working on some school work, when Mr. Mcphee walks into the house.] Andie: Hey. Mr. Mcphee: Hey. Oh, you look like you're getting your color back. Andie: Yeah, I think I am. Everything seems to be going ok around here now, huh? Mr. Mcphee: What do you mean? Andie: Like...You and Jack. Things are... Ok between you guys now, huh? Mr. Mcphee: Yeah. Yeah, they are. Andie: I mean... If you and Jack can work things out, then...Why can't Jen and Jack, right? Or Pacey and Dawson, or any of us, really? Mr. Mcphee: Well, all it takes is realizing what you risk losing by letting someone go. [Scene: The pier at the Potter B&B. Joey is sitting on the end of it doing some reading when Dawson comes walking up behind her.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. Dawson: Plowing through tonight's reading, as per usual. Joey: Try last night's. I thought I'd catch up. But Mr. Copeland in room 3, he has a tendency to break out in song while bathing. [Chuckles] this seat's not taken. Dawson: Uh, it's ok. I can't stay. [He hands her back the Peer Recommendation.] Joey: Um... Um... Well... Either you're a very fast writer, which I know not to be the case, or... You come bearing bad news. Dawson: I just--I be-- I've...Been... [Sighs] thinking about it since the minute you asked me, and... The answer just keeps on coming back the same. I'm not the right person... To write this. Not anymore. Joey: You did what I asked. You, um... You thought about it, and... I thank you for that. Dawson: Sorry. Ok. [Dawson turns and leaves, running into Pacey as he goes.] Dawson: Pacey. Pacey: Dawson. So. Play date? Joey: Look, not exactly. Uh... Pace, I asked Dawson to write a peer recommendation for me. He said no, so it's really nothing. Pacey: Well, that's not nothing. The nothings you tell me about. It's the somethings that you keep secret. Joey: I know this tone, and it signifies the start of a really nasty conversation, but you know what? It takes two to have one, and I'm not up for sparring. Not over this. Pacey: Ah. So. Now you get to decide what it is that we talk through, but you also get to decide what it is that we let slide, huh? Were you ever gonna tell me about this? Joey: It's been hard to tell you much of anything this week. You're never around. Pacey: Ok. Look. [Chuckles] if you're angry with me for how much time I was spending with Andie-- look. Joey: Pacey-- that's not it. Ok? I was just waiting to see if he'd agree to do it in the first place before world war-- where are we now? 15? And if you're upset that I asked him, Pacey... It's because it was the question. You know, third grade, Dawson was there when I broke my left arm jumping off Peter Masik's backyard swing. He was there the night I came home early from Lake Emandal because I was homesick. And he was there the day that I had to wear that horrific training bra for the first time, and... The day that my mom passed away, you know, he was the first one to come through the door, and he sat with me the whole day, and he never once asked me how I was doing because he, unlike everyone else, he knew me well enough to know that there weren't words to describe how I was doing. So you...Really, pace... You can't be angry with me for asking him. Pacey: I'm not angry that you asked Dawson to do something for you. It's the question. "The person who knows you best." When do I get to be that person? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the Leery Fish House. Dawson is walking up to it, when he runs into Joey walking the same direction.] Joey: Dawson? You look pretty swank for fish duty tonight. Dawson: Uh...Thank you. Joey: Did your mom enlist your services for this evening? Dawson: No. Actually, I'm a paying customer tonight. I'm having dinner with Andie. Joey: That's strange, 'cause... I'm having dinner with Andie. Dawson: Really. [Jack comes up to join them.] Jack: Hey, guys. Dawson: Let me guess. Dinner with Andie? Jack: Yeah. How'd you know? [They go inside to find Pacey sitting at a table.] Dawson: [Chuckles uncertainly] Pacey. Joey: What's goin' on? Where's Andie? Pacey: She's in the bathroom perfecting the answer to your first question. Jack: Wh-what's this all about? Pacey: I don't know. Don't shoot the diner. I'm a guest, just like you. [Andie comes out of the bathroom] Andie: Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Pacey: So...Now that we're all here, why are we here? Andie: You'll find out shortly. We're just waiting for one person. Pacey: Andie, come on, this is... [Jen enters from behind them] Andie: [Chuckles] oh, wait. Here she is. Hey, Jen. Jen: Hi. We saved a seat for you. Jack: You know what? I'm, uh... I'm not that hungry. Andie, can you bring me home a doggie bag? Jen: It's obvious that I'm the one crashing the party. I'll go. Jack: I just said I was goin'. Andie: No. I am. I'm leaving Capeside. And, uh...That's why I asked you all to come here tonight... To say good-bye, and also there's something that I need to say to you guys... All of you, before I go. So...So, Jen, Jack, please stay. [They all sit down] Andie: You know what? It shouldn't have taken a scheme to get you all here tonight. When my dad first made me the offer to take the rest of the year off, I sat down with my trusty number 2... [Chuckling] and made my list of pros and cons. The pros were pretty obvious. Opportunity of a lifetime, right? And then came those nasty cons. You know what got top billing? You guys. The thought of leaving all of my friends... I mean, you guys are the ones who have supported and consoled and...Understood, unconditionally. But look at us now. We are a mess. And let's talk about why, starting with last week's fiasco. Ok, enough with the blame Jen game. If I don't, you shouldn't. Yes, she had them. But I took them. It was my fault. And Pacey, Joey, Dawson... You guys are so lucky. Do you have any idea how rare it is to have friends that you've known your entire life? So please don't underestimate that. Because in the end, you always go back to the people that were there in the beginning. And in the beginning, there were the three of you. And...You two. [She turns to Jen and Jack] Andie: You know what? This is just... It's really inexcusable. The biggest reason that was keeping me here was the thought that if I left, you wouldn't have a sister around. But then I realized that you would. When I, uh... First met you... I didn't know much about love... Or friendship. And each of you taught me a lot about both. So maybe by my leaving I can return the favor. Because the thought of it ending like this... [Andie sniffles] the way things are right now... It's just... It's not how I want to remember us. Do you? [Andie sniffles] [The camera pans from face to face and you can see the emotion in all of their eyes. Jen gets up and hugs Andie.] [Scene: By the bathroom door. Pacey is knocking on the door, when Joey comes up to him.] [knock knock] Joey: is anybody in there? Pacey: Uh, yeah. And there's only room for one. Oh. Which, I guess, is kind of a recurring theme these days. Joey: [Sighs] pace, I'm really sorry? Pacey: hold on a second. Let me go first this time. [Chuckles] Ohh...Jo, I'm sorry for how I reacted to the whole peer rec thing. I think it was just kind of a left hook to the hot button, and... I reacted... Like Pacey. Joey: You know who that guy you reacted like is gonna be in 10 years, pace? The person who knows me best. Dawson knows my past. My future lies with you. If you think about it, you know, you didn't even like me a few years ago. Pacey: Well, you always tease the ones you love. Joey: And you do always have to deal with the ones that you used to love. [Pacey sighs and looks over at the table where Dawson and Andie are sitting and talking.] [Scene: Outside the Fish House. Jen is leaving when Jack comes running up to stop her.] Jack: Hey. Jen: Ohh... Hi. [She wipes the tears from her eyes.] Jack: [Chuckles] is, uh... Is that the girl that used to tell me everything? Jen: Is that the boy who used to listen? Jack: I never stopped listening, Jen. I--I just... Didn't particularly like what I was hearing. Look, what-- what Andie said in there, um... You--you are such an important part of my life, and I... I thought maybe you were changin' on me. Jen: I haven't changed, Jack. Still me... Jen Lindley, a girl who screws up every now and again. Jack: I'm sorry. Jen: I don't need an apology. I just need somebody who'll stand by me. You willing to do that? Jack: You willin' to keep standin'? Jen: Uhhhh... [Chuckles] [They Hug] [Scene: The Waterfront outside the Restaurant. Joey is standing at the edge looking over the water, when Dawson comes up to join her.] Dawson: [chuckling] I knew I'd find you here. Joey: Thought you didn't know me anymore, Dawson. Dawson: The truth is, I never doubted how well I knew you, Joey. I was just afraid of what would happen if I had to put it all down on paper. Before, you told me... That, if I decided to write the recommendation, that I was the right person for the job. If the offer still stands, I would really like to do that for you. Joey: I'd like that, too. Thank you. Dawson: That's nice to see. [They look over to see Andie and Pacey sitting on a bench] Joey: Gives them something to hold onto. Dawson: Well, what do you say you come inside and help me give us all somethin' to hold onto? [Scene: The Bench. Andie and Pacey are sitting together talking to one another.] Andie: You know, uh... This could potentially be the last time? Pacey: oh, don't say that. There's no need for that. You'll be back, you know? There's...Prom, and there's graduation. Andie: And a whole 'nother world out there. Pacey, you said it yourself. Pacey: Is that why you're doin' this? Because of what I said? Andie: [Sighs] whoa. Pacey, you gave me my strength. You know? The strength to do things that I always needed to do, but was too afraid to do. Pacey: [Chuckles] no. No. I'm sorry. I don't think that you get to use the adjective "afraid" anymore while being self-referential. You can now use "brave" and perhaps occasionally "stalwart." Andie: "Stalwart." No. I hate "stalwart." Pacey: Well, that's too bad. You're stuck with "stalwart." You know, I think what we're gonna miss the most about you, Mcphee, is just your overwhelming optimism... [Chuckles] your ardent belief that everything in the world is wonderful until proven crap. Do you think maybe you could just... Leave us a little bit of that when you go? Andie: Oh, it's the least I could do. [They Hug.] Pacey: I'm gonna miss you, Andie. Andie: Me, too. [Scene: Inside the restaurant. Everyone is gathering while Dawson sets up the camera.] Jack: Hey. Andie: Hey. Jack: Hey. Look, Andie, I just-- the only reason that I said that you shouldn't go is 'cause... I'm gonna miss you more than anything. Andie: Good. Jack: The thought of not havin' you around, of--of havin' to say good-bye... Andie: Jack... You're my brother. There are no good-byes. Jack: I love you. Andie: I love you, too. [He sets the timer and runs over to join them.] Dawson: Ok, everybody. Let's do this. And we are... On the clock. [Dawson goes up next to Andie, but she moves out of between him and Pacey and puts Pacey's arm over Dawson's shoulder. They look at each other and smile and Dawson puts his arm over Pacey's shoulder. Andie goes over to stand on the other end next to Jack. The order from left to right goes: Andie, Jack, Jen, Joey, Pacey, and Dawson.] In Loving Memory David Dukes

Plan: A: her near-fatal drug overdose; Q: What is Andie recovering from? A: the whole incident; Q: What is Jack blaming Jen for? A: Drue; Q: Who does Jen blame for her life falling apart? A: her dad; Q: Who offers Andie the chance to spend the rest of the school year in Italy? A: her aunt; Q: Who does Andie go to Italy with? A: the whole gang; Q: Who does Andie plan a goodbye dinner with? A: valuable time; Q: Andie tells the gang not to waste what? A: useless bickering; Q: What does Andie tell her friends not to waste time on? Summary: While Andie is recovering from her near-fatal drug overdose at the party, Jack is blaming Jen for the whole incident and is refusing to talk to her. Jen blames Drue for her life falling apart when he turns Grams and the whole town against her by telling everyone that they intentionally gave Andie the drugs. After Andie comes home from the hospital her dad offers her the chance to spend the rest of the school year in Italy with her aunt, telling her that she has more than enough credits to graduate. Andie decides to go and plans a goodbye dinner with the whole gang. She tells them how important life is and not to waste valuable time with useless bickering. Jack and Jen get things straight and Andie tricks Dawson and Pacey into playing nice with each other.

Scene opens to a shot of Air Force One preparing for take-off. The President - who both looks and sounds a lot like George W. Bush -- waves as he enters the plane. The flight crew stands at attention the moment he's on board. PRESIDENT: Bobby, did those babybacks from PapaJoe's make the flight? BOBBY: Yes, sir, Mr. President. They were flown in from San Antonio ten minutes ago, sir. PRESIDENT: Good. Let's have an early lunch. BOBBY: Yes, sir, Mr. President. The President turns away, putting an arm around the shoulders of the man, presumably Secret Service, behind him. Kate Todd precedes them. PRESIDENT (to man): I love the babybacks from PapaJoe's. MAN: I know, Mr. President. PRESIDENT (to Kate): Wasn't Major Kerry supposed to be handling the Football on this one? KATE: He came down with the flu, Mr. President. The man raises his arm to indicate the new Football carrier. MAN: This is Commander Ray Trapp, Mr. President. He's new on the detail. Cmdr. Trapp, dressed in Navy whites, stands at attention before the President. PRESIDENT: Have we met before, Commander? TRAPP: (shakes hands with the President) Yes, sir. On the Abraham Lincoln, Mr. President. PRESIDENT: (smirks) Ah, the Lincoln. (turns to Secret Service man) You know, the trip to the Lincoln was the best day I've had on this job. (turns back to Cmdr. Trapp and waggles a finger at him) Why don't you join me for lunch? TRAPP: Be my pleasure, Mr. President. PRESIDENT: Good, I'll look forward to it. The President and the Secret Service man walk away. Kate lingers to speak with Cmdr. Trapp, who finally relaxes once the President is out of sight. KATE: Lunch with the boss on your first day. You're destined for stars on those shoulders, Commander. Kate leaves, going a different direction than the President did. Cmdr. Trapp sits down, looks off where the President disappeared to, and smiles. Then he reaches over to the side of his chair where a large black briefcase is unobtrusively tucked away and puts his hand on top of it. Air Force One takes off. A flight attendant carries a tray of food down an aisle and sets it down on a table between two people. The crewman from before, Bobby, walks past her to speak with the Secret Service agents. BOBBY: Agent Baer, Agent Todd, would either of you like anything to eat? BAER: (doesn't even bother looking up) No, thank you. KATE: (smiles politely) I'm fine, thanks. BOBBY: Very well. Bobby leaves. Baer gets up. BAER: I'll be in the Comm. getting an update from Bowman. Keep an eye on things down here. KATE: You expecting a problem, sir? BAER: (turns back to face her) Expect problems, Agent Todd. And with a little luck, you'll never loose the President. Baer jogs up a flight of stairs to the next deck. Kate looks down and smiles ruefully. Moments later, Cmdr. Trapp enters the room with the Football in hand. He moves slowly, almost shuffling. He stumbles, dropping the briefcase. Kate looks at him in concern. Cmdr. Trapp stares at his hand, flexing his fingers. He turns and flashes a grin at Kate. TRAPP: I fumbled in my first Army-Navy game, but (picks up briefcase) I recovered the ball. Cmdr. Trapp carefully places the Football beside a chair while Kate looks on, then turns to offer her his hand. TRAPP: Ray Trapp. KATE: (shakes hands) Kate Todd. TRAPP: (face flushed red, sweating) Eating with the President was... (swallows) a bigger sweat than... (starts wandering in circles) making a ni-night [trap??]. Cmdr. Trapp collapses into his seat. KATE: (concerned) Are you ill, Commander? Cmdr. Trapp starts going into convulsions, falling to the floor. Kate gets up to help him, issuing orders through her wrist comm. KATE (via comm.): Slammer Rose for a medical emergency, section one. While Kate tries to stabilize Cmdr. Trapp's head, Agent Baer rushes back down the stairs. BAER: What's wrong? KATE: I don't know. Three medics come running down the aisle. Kate stands back to give them room. DOCTOR: What've you got? FEMALE MEDIC: He's not breathing. DOCTOR: No pulse. FEMALE MEDIC: Give me the bag. The doctor gets up to grab the medical bag, when Kate suddenly realises something. KATE: Doctor! He just had lunch with the President. DOCTOR: Oh my god! BAER: Let's go. (to Kate) You stay with the Football. As the doctor and Agent Baer run off to check on the President, Kate reaches over and takes the briefcase back over to her seat out of the way. The other two medics are still working on Cmdr. Trapp. One medic is straddling his body doing CPR, the other rhythmically squeezing an air bag over his mouth. FEMALE MEDIC: Halt compressions, let's check his pulse. The female medic removes the air bag to check his pulse. Kate looks on worriedly, and when we look back at Cmdr. Trapp we see he's started foaming at the mouth. FEMALE MEDIC: There's no pulse. Let's get his shirt off. She starts cutting his shirt off with scissors. Kate watches anxiously. *INTRO CREDITS* Gibbs is working on his boat in his basement, diligently planing the wood smooth. The television is playing quietly in the background when the phone rings. He walks around the skeleton frame of his boat to the phone mounted on the side wall and answers it. GIBBS: Yeah. Gibbs. It's Tony on the other end, calling from the NCIS office headquarters. He appears to be the only one currently at work. TONY (to Gibbs, over the phone): A Navy commander carrying the Football on Air Force One just carked in the air. GIBBS: (checks his watch) Where'd they land? TONY: Wichita, Kansas. (types at his computer) The President's transferring to the backup bird. (reading from computer screen) I booked us on a 15: 00 United flight out of Reagan, stops in Dallas before going on to Wichita. GIBBS: That the best you can do? TONY: It's Saturday, Gibbs. (puts on coat) You know, if we had our own jet... GIBBS: We don't. Ducky's buds with coroners across the country. See if you can't get one of them to hold the body until we can get there. TONY: Alright. Gibbs hangs up. As he goes to leave the basement, he passes the television and we see it's currently showing a news report. NEWS ANCHOR (on TV): I'm Doris McMillon, with a CBS news update. We have just learned that Air Force One has made an unscheduled stop at Wichita's mid-continent airport. Details are sketchy- Gibbs flicks the power off once he gets upstairs, and the TV goes black instantly. *cut to Airport* Gibbs and Tony are just coming off an escalator behind a couple of flight attendants. Tony is weighed down with several bags, Gibbs just has one small bag and his ever-present cup of coffee. TONY: FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, even NYPD have private jets. GIBBS: At 36 cents a mile. You wanna drive? TONY: It's humiliating. They arrive at a Security check-point. Tony puts his bags down on the ground, Gibbs lays his single one on the conveyor belt. GIBBS (to Security Guard): We're LEOs. SECURITY GUARD: (smiling) Capricorn. TONY: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer. Tony hands the Security Guard the paperwork for their weapons, while Gibbs shows him his badge. GIBBS: You new at this, (leans over to read Security Guard's nametag) Dennis? DENNIS: (nods) First week. (Gibbs chuffs a laugh while Dennis checks out the badge) N.C.I.S.... never heard of it. GIBBS (leaning over to speak quietly to Tony): That's embarrassing. DENNIS: NCIS? Anything like "CSI"? TONY: (sarcastically) Only if you're dyslexic. DENNIS: Okay. You can go ahead and go around the, uh, metal detector, but your bags have got to go through the scanner. GIBBS: Wait a minute, you're letting us take weapons aboard but you want to scan our bags? DENNIS: Well, you've got permits for the weapons but you don't for the bags. Tony starts piling the bags onto the conveyor belt. TONY (to Gibbs): We really need our own jet. DUCKY (calls out from other side of security gate): Dennis! Those bags are mine. DENNIS: Ohh! (to Gibbs and Tony) Why didn't you tell me you were subbing for the Doc? (smiles) You've got a bag permit. DUCKY (to Gibbs and Tony): Move it, men. Tony and Gibbs exchange looks as they gather the bags to follow Ducky. Ducky turns and starts walking away. DUCKY: We don't want to miss our flight. (smirks) *cut to Air Force One, night* Air Force One is currently surrounded by emergency vehicles, lit up on the tarmac only by the various flashing lights of the vehicles. Inside is an assortment of official personnel, from Secret Service to FBI to State Troopers to Airport Security to the County Coroner's office. A Kansas local with a "CORONER" jacket on is stalling the proceedings. CORONER: If J. Edgar Hoover was alive, I'd tell him what I'm telling you. This body is in Wichita County, and as County Coroner I have jurisdiction. No one moves it until the M.E. says they can. FORNELL: Your jurisdiction doesn't supersede the FBI on Air Force One. KATE (interrupting from her seat, hidden behind everyone else): It's not Air Force One, Agent Fornell. (the men move to clear a path for her) When the President departed on the backup plane, it became Air Force One. This is now Alpha Foxtrot 2900. FORNELL: Don't get into this pissing contest, Agent Todd. As you pointed out, the President's gone - it's no longer a Secret Service problem. KATE: Look. This could be a natural death, or it could be a botched attempt to murder the President. Until I know which, it's my problem. CORONER: Uh, I don't give a damn which one of you is boss. You ain't moving this body until the M.E. says you can. Ducky enters, followed by Tony and Gibbs. DUCKY: You talking about me, Elmo? ELMO: Ducky! How'd you like those steaks I air-expressed you? DUCKY: Ah, delicious! FORNELL (leaning over to speak quietly with Kate): He "air-expressed" him steaks? KATE: (shrugging) It's a big state. Look how long it took him to get here. ELMO: (points out the players) Uh, Agent Fornell here is FBI. Agent Todd, Secret Service. Ducky, they've been fighting over this body like two hounds over a t-bone. DUCKY: Well, it's our t-bone for the moment. GIBBS: All these LEOs are contaminating the potential crime scene. DUCKY: Oh yes, my assistant's right. Everyone who boarded in Wichita will have to evacuate the plane. FORNELL: I'm not going anywhere. KATE: I flew in on it. DUCKY: Very well, you two can stay. But everyone else must deplane. ELMO: Alright, you heard the M.E., let's move it boys. Ducky, what do you think? DUCKY (examining body): No outward sign of trauma. KATE: He was stricken after having lunch with the President. TONY: Yeah, how is the President? KATE: He's fine. His physician cleared him to fly on to L.A. GIBBS: What happened? Both Kate and Fornell look askance at Gibbs's softly-voiced question, but Gibbs just stares placidly at them. After a moment, Kate answers. KATE: When the Commander returned from lunch, he had an equilibrium problem and his grip was too weak to hold his briefcase. DUCKY: Did he gradually become ill, or was it sudden? KATE: Sudden. He started to convulse and collapsed. The President's physician believed that the Commander had a stroke. TONY (taking notes): Kinda young for a brain fart. DUCKY: Looks like a natural death to me, Elmo. They can leave with the body as long as they sign releases. FORNELL (to Elmo): Why the hell didn't you say that? ELMO: Couldn't. Like I said, it's the M.E.'s decision. Release forms are in my car. FORNELL (to Kate): Let's go. We can work out jurisdiction for Washington on the flight to Dallas. Kate glances at Gibbs before leaving. The look on her face is inscrutable. ELMO: Ah, Ducky... about those soft-shell crabs? Kate pauses behind Ducky and Elmo at this exchange, throwing another odd look Ducky's way. You can tell she's figuring out that things aren't exactly as they seem. She exits the plane behind Fornell. DUCKY: Ah, you'll have them by the weekend. ELMO: Ten-four, partner. (leaves) Once alone, Ducky sighs in relief and Gibbs takes over command of the crime scene. Quietly. GIBBS: Tony, go hot. Show the pilot your credentials, get us the hell out of here. Tony starts down an aisle, but Gibbs calls him back. GIBBS: Hey! (points upwards) Cockpit's on the top deck. TONY: (cluelessly) I knew that. Gibbs smirks as Tony climbs the stairs. GIBBS (crouching beside body): Enjoy playing my boss? DUCKY: (nods) I did, rather. GIBBS: What do you think happened, Duck? DUCKY: Good God, Gibbs, I barely met the deceased. GIBBS: I think DiNozzo's right. Naval aviator, stroking at his age? DUCKY: He could have been born with an aneurysm. They're timebombs in the body. I remember this young promising basso-perfundo in London. He was only 27 when he keeled over, in the middle on an Notaro aria- Kate storms back onto the plane, her hand on her holstered weapon at her hip. KATE: Who the hell are you people? (to Gibbs) You're no M.E. assistant (to Ducky) and there's no soft-shell crab within a thousand miles. DUCKY (to Gibbs): Sorry. GIBBS (showing his badge): NCIS. We flew down here from Washington to take over the investigation. KATE (drops her hand from her weapon, exasperated): First the FBI tries to muscle in, and now NCIS. GIBBS: Yeah, well, I do believe this is a dead naval officer. KATE: Who died on Air Force One, after having lunch with the President it's my job to protect. GIBBS: Okay, we can share jurisdiction. You can be on my team. KATE: Your team? Why should you head the investigation? GIBBS: You ever worked a crime scene, Agent Todd? KATE: I am a Secret Service agent. GIBBS: (smirks) I thought not. KATE: Well don't dismiss me like that! Okay, I earned my jock-strap. GIBBS: Yeah, does it ever give you that empty feeling? KATE: What? GIBBS: Your jock-strap. KATE: No. Like some species of frogs, I grow what I need. (smiles brightly) Gibbs smirks back, obviously impressed and enjoying the exchange. Then Tony interrupts, scrambling down the stairs. DUCKY: Gibbs! Pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the (sees Kate, pauses a beat) thumbs up. KATE: (smirks at Gibbs) I think that just made it my team. GIBBS: No. It means we'll just have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch. KATE (incredulous): You're not serious. Wait! (chases after Gibbs up the stairs) Okay, okay! Your team, but only because I don't want to delay us further by having to shoot you. Kate offers her hand to seal the deal, and she and Gibbs shake on it. Outside the plane, Fornell is running up the steps to the hatch when Tony suddenly appears in front of him. FORNELL: Damnit, Agent Todd, let's get this show on the road! TONY: Oh gosh, I'm sorry. We, uh, overbooked the flight. (closes hatch) FORNELL: What the hell are you doing? As the plane starts to taxi away, Tony looks out a window and waves at the thwarted FBI agents. Fornell yells at the people on the ground. FORNELL: What's going on? Stop! Fornell and the two agents behind him run back down the now abandoned staircase to confront Elmo, the County Coroner guy. FORNELL: Alright, do you know what the hell's going on? ELMO: Guess Ducky decided to take the body to Washington. FORNELL: Why did your Medical Examiner take the body to Washington? ELMO: (slyly) I never said he was my Medical Examiner. Then the jets kick in to high gear, and everyone flinches from the blast of air. FORNELL: Then who the hell's Medical Examiner is he?! ELMO: Ducky? He works for NCIS. Fornell watches the plane take off. In the air, Gibbs is in the Comm. speaking with the NCIS Director, Tom Morrow, over videoconference. DIRECTOR (on comm.): Did you have to literally slam the door in the FBI's face? GIBBS: There were more of them than us. DIRECTOR (at MTAC): (wryly) There's always more of them than us. You ever hear of interagency cooperation? GIBBS: Yes, sir. I got the Secret Service Agent-in-Charge at Wichita to agree to share the investigation. DIRECTOR: (surprised) Willingly? GIBBS: (ruefully) Well, we could use a little backup when we land at Andrews. DIRECTOR: Eh, that's what I thought. We're spread a bit thin, we've got no agents. GIBBS: If the FBI gets this body, we won't see an autopsy report until after they leak it to the Washington Post. DIRECTOR: Then make sure they don't get it. (Gibbs nods) Will this Secret Service agent stand up to the FBI? GIBBS: I don't know. She's got balls. The Director laughs, then the scene changes back to the crime scene. Kate is sitting in a nearby chair watching Ducky insert a thermometer into the body's liver. KATE: (incredulously) Are you starting the autopsy? DUCKY: Goodness, no. I'm just taking his liver temperature to corroborate the time of death. KATE (consults her PDA): The President's physician declared him dead at 20: 32 Zulu. DUCKY: It never hurts to double check. (thermometer beeps) Tony steps up beside her, pen and paper in hand. TONY (to Kate): Excuse me, you'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches, thanks. KATE: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos. TONY (picks up a magazine, "Exotic Resorts", with a bikini-clad model on the cover): Tell me her measurements. KATE: Your pathetic. TONY: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's (looks at magazine) 5'4" in a 35-C, or 5'7" in a 36-D? You can't, not from a photo. That's why we do sketches, take measurements. (pushes her back out of the way) Thanks. DUCKY: I've got 19: 50 Zulu, that's nearly an hour earlier. KATE: Well, then you miscalculated. Gibbs comes jogging down the stairs. GIBBS: What's the problem? DUCKY: There's apparently a discrepancy between my time of death and the President's physician's. GIBBS: Log yours. (Ducky bends to do so) Enough sketches, Tony. Agent Todd's gonna give you a floor plan. KATE: Oh, no, she won't. Kate walks off to follow Gibbs. Ducky moves over to speak with Tony. DUCKY: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony. But wasn't 36-D a bit of wishful thinking? TONY (looking at magazine again): You think? Gibbs and Kate are meanwhile walking down an aisle, arguing. Well, Kate is. GIBBS: What can you tell me about Commander Trapp? KATE: I can't give him Air Force One floor plans, they're top secret. GIBBS: Come on, I saw this in a Harrison Ford movie. KATE: Well that's Hollywood speculation, you're asking for the real thing. GIBBS: Isn't the President's head down here someplace? KATE: No. GIBBS: Now this was in the movie! (looks around the conference room he just walked into, indicates the chair at the head of the table) Yeah! Harrison was sitting right here. KATE: I can't risk those plans getting out on the Internet. GIBBS: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out, you can shoot DiNozzo. KATE: (unamused) No, I think I'm destined to shoot you. GIBBS: What about Commander Trapp? KATE: Only met him this morning. He just received his Yankee White clearance and was Major Kerry's backup. The major has the flu. GIBBS (walking away, still exploring): We'll have to get a Navy doc to verify that. KATE: He's got it. (waves her hands in frustration) But go ahead, and waste a doctor's time double-checking like your... Ducky. Gibbs stops in front of cabinet, with a keypad lock on it. GIBBS: This is where the terrorists got their weapons in the movie. (starts playing with keypad) KATE: Oh, that is as ridiculous as the President's "escape capsule". GIBBS: Anybody switch planes with the President? KATE: The President was put on a separate plane. Everyone else boarded the backup excepts three stewards who were put in the Press cabin. GIBBS: What'd you keep them for? (opens curtains to Press cabin, waves at stewards) Make coffee? KATE: I may not know the finer points of investigating like sticking needles in liver or measuring swimsuit models, but I do know enough to hold the stewards who prepared and served the President's lunch. GIBBS: Hmm, okay. KATE: You want to question--? GIBBS: No, they're not going anywhere. We've got a crime scene to investigate. Rule number one, never let suspects stay together. KATE: Well I didn't consider them suspects. GIBBS: Why'd you hold them? (passes her some latex gloves) Put these on. KATE: My fingerprints are all over this aircraft. GIBBS: Rule number two, always wear gloves at a crime scene. By this point, Gibbs has managed to steer them back to the crime scene area. Ducky is kneeling beside the body when they approach. DUCKY: I believe I know why there's a discrepancy in the time of death. Now since the Commander had lunch with the President, I'm sure the President's physician rushed to evaluate his condition. He also called Trapp's time of death. KATE: Yes, once he was sure the President wasn't in medical danger, he returned and... (realising) He was gone nearly an hour. DUCKY: Yes. I'm sure the autopsy will show that Commander Trapp expired almost immediately. KATE: I owe you an apology, Doctor. DUCKY: Oh, please, it's Ducky to my associates. I'm just relieved we straightened it out. It's inconsistencies like this to lead to conspiracy theories. It reminds me of a case once in New Orleans. A jealous husband shot his wife off a Mardi Gras float, right out of the clock at the corner of Bourbon Street. GIBBS: Ah, doc, give it a rest. She's got work to do. Kate smiles at Ducky and gets up to follow Gibbs. DUCKY (to Kate, as she leaves): I'll tell you the rest later! GIBBS: Rule number three, don't believe what you're told. Double-check. KATE: Should I write these rules in my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows? They walk into another room. Tony is seated behind the desk, twisting the phone around in his hands. A television is playing in the background. KATE (indicating Tony): Oh no, I draw the line at him sitting in the President's chair. TONY (to Gibbs): He's not using it. KATE: Gibbs! GIBBS (to Tony): If you're finished taking pictures, start bagging and tagging. TONY: Just waiting for you, boss. (gets up) KATE: Bagging and tagging what? GIBBS: Well, to start with (indicates lunch) ... everything. (points at chair Tony just left) President was sitting there? KATE: Pretty good bet, since it is his desk. Tony passes Gibbs an evidence bag. Gibbs starts instructing Kate on proper investigative technique. GIBBS: Okay, to maintain the chain of custody, take the item - in this case, Commander Trapp's lunch - place it in the evidence bag. (he does so, seals it, the folds it over to write on the label) Seal it, record all pertinent information, initial across the seal. Gibbs then passes the filled evidence bag to Tony with a "Keep it cold" order. Tony hands him a new evidence bag. Gibbs turns to Kate with it. GIBBS: Okay, why don't you try it? Kate gets queasy, throws a hand up over her mouth, and runs out of the room. Gibbs follows with the evidence bag. GIBBS: Oh, wait a minute! Hey, wait! Wait a minute! Whoa! Stop! (he corners her against the bathroom door, turns her around, and shoves the open evidence bag in her face) In here, in here... Kate vomits into the evidence bag. Gibbs seals and labels it. KATE: Can I rinse now that you've got your evidence? GIBBS: Yeah, sure. Kate gives him a disgruntled look, opens the door to the bathroom and disappears inside. Gibbs finishes labelling the evidence bag then hands it to Tony. GIBBS: Log it. Go find Ducky. TONY: You think she's got whatever killed the commander? Gibbs just shakes his head, having no answer. Tony leaves, Gibbs sits down and looks out a window at the clouds passing by. *cut to Presidential rally* ANNOUNCER: Please join me in welcoming President George W. Bush. (crowd cheers) AGENT BAER (in voice over): Don't threaten me, Tom. I'm not in your food chain. Fornell is on a smaller corporate plane, calling the Secret Service agent patrolling the Presidential rally. FORNELL: If NCIS does the autopsy, they'll control the investigation. You want that? BAER: Commander Trapp was a Naval officer, they have every right to do the autopsy. FORNELL: Damnit Bill, they're bush league. We have assets those cowboys can only salivate over. BAER: Don't underestimate NCIS. FORNELL: Oh they're good, at making drug busts and catching sailors who've jumped ship. But an attack on the President? BAER: The President's doctor thought that Commander Trapp had a stroke. FORNELL: Maybe he did, but if he was poisoned... You want to put the man's life in the hands of retread cops and ex-MPs? BAER: If you withhold so much as a comma out of the report... FORNELL: You'll get copies of everything before the ink dries. BAER: I'll order Agent Todd to turn the body over to the FBI at Andrews, but I can't control NCIS. FORNELL: With us joined at the hip, all they can do is watch. And bitch. (hangs up) We're back in the ballgame. *cut back to Air Force One* Ducky is examining Kate, who is lying stretched out on a couch. DUCKY: Low temperature. I think it's a stomach virus. KATE: I know it is. Did you use that thermometer on cadavers? DUCKY: (laughs) Would you rather I use the liver probe? GIBBS: Why you so sure it was the flu? KATE: (sighs) It's the same symptoms Major Kerry had. DUCKY: Did you work together recently? KATE: No. DUCKY: Well if you didn't work with him, then how...? Ah! KATE: Did you think I was a virgin? DUCKY: (embarrassed) I'd... hoped not. Ducky leaves and Kate chuckles. Gibbs just sits there watching her. She gets comfortable, staring back at him. KATE: You gonna lecture me about sleeping with people you work with? GIBBS: Nope. Kate nods slowly. Gibbs keeps looking at her. Before anyone can say anything else, someone calls for Agent Todd over the intercom system. COMM: Agent Todd, Agent Baer's on a secure line for you. Kate sighs and slowly, possibly painfully, sits up. GIBBS: You want me to take that call for you? KATE: I'd have to be dead. She leaves and Gibbs nods to himself, laughing. Meanwhile, Tony is sitting in an empty office using the desk to interview the flight crew. TONY: And how long have you been on Air Force One? CREWMAN: Five years, sir. Two with President Clinton, three with President Bush. Gibbs walks in and heads straight for the bathroom, pulling his zipper down on the way. Tony wraps the interview up. TONY: Alright. Well, thank you very much, Chief Steward. CREWMAN: Yes, sir. The steward leaves and Gibbs questions Tony from the bathroom. GIBBS: What'd you get? TONY: Ah, food security's very tight. Incognito purchases, randomly selected stores. No one knows their buying for Air Force One. While Tony is talking and Gibbs is peeing, Ducky enters the room. Tony motions for him to be quiet, pointing at the bathroom, and grabs a camera. Ducky quickly snaps a picture of Tony sitting behind the desk, then they switch places so Tony can do the same for Ducky. Tony is giving Gibbs a verbal report the whole time. Once done, they both retake their places and act as if nothing at all happened. TONY: Stewards usually prepare all the food, but today the President had ribs and coleslaw flown in from a smokehouse in San Antonio. So they only reheated them and served them. GIBBS: Anybody else have ribs? TONY: No. DUCKY: Gibbs, if the ribs were poisoned, then how come the President wasn't affected. GIBBS: Maybe he's used to PapaJoe's barbecue. (flushes) If you two are through taking pictures of each other, maybe we can move that body out. Gibbs leaves and Tony and Ducky look at each other, caught. *cut to Comm.* Kate talking with her boss on the phone in the Comm. The Secret Service is preparing a motorcade for the President. KATE (on phone): I made a deal with NCIS to share the investigation, sir. BAER: You're not senior enough to make deals, Agent Todd. We're working this with the FBI. KATE: Sir, these NCIS agents are not just going to turn the body and the evidence over to the FBI. BAER (to driver): Let's go. (to Kate) NCIS had no right to use a local coroner to delay your departure. KATE: You have to see it from there side. BAER: Agent Todd, shut up and listen. I'm giving you a direct order. That's our aircraft, everything living and dead on board is under Secret Service control. Turn the body over to the FBI at Andrews, or the only presidential detail you'll get will be walking Spotty. Agent Baer hangs up on her. She forcefully puts the phone down, releasing a huff of frustration. The motorcade pulls away. Kate walks back downstairs to the crime scene, but the only one there is Gibbs. Not even the corpse. KATE: Where's the body? GIBBS: (innocently) I don't know. They both laugh, knowing he's lying through his teeth. KATE: (smirks) You move it to the off-ramp for a fast getaway? Gibbs just grins and drinks his coffee. Kate puts on her coat and takes her own seat as the plane is coming in for a landing. KATE: It won't work, Gibbs. I've been ordered to turn the body over to the FBI at Andrews. GIBBS: You could stall them until we get off. KATE: No, I can't. I won't defy a direct order. I'm sorry, Gibbs. GIBBS: Never say you're sorry. (laughingly) Ah, you don't have to crochet that one. Kate smiles, but is obviously not happy with the situation. Then the Captain's voice comes over the comm. CAPTAIN: Folks, please fasten your seatbelts, we're beginning our descent into Andrews at this time. Gibbs and Kate both buckle up and the plane lands. *cut to highway, black FBI SUV driving down the road* FBI AGENT/DRIVER: Why'd you let NCIS have the evidence they bagged on the plane? FORNELL: Since we have the body we control the investigation. If a few ribs and coleslaw saves some face, what's it hurt? If the food was poisoned the President would- A cell phone rings. Both FBI agents look around. The driver checks his cell to be sure. DRIVER: Not mine, sir. The phone rings again. Fornell checks his cell as well. FORNELL: Not mine, either. TONY: Hello? Both agents look back at the body bag where the voice came from. Tony is inside it, with his cell phone pressed to his ear. GIBBS (voice on cell): We're in the clear, you can get out of the body bag. The FBI SUV slams to halt in the middle of the road, forcing a driver behind them to serve. Car horns honk. TONY: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not sure I want to. A white van is driving down another road somewhere else. Gibbs and Ducky are in the back with the real body of Cmdr. Trapp. GIBBS: Fine. You've got to search Commander Trapp's apartment tonight. TONY: Oh, Gibbs, come on! It's 1: 00am. GIBBS: Agent [Axle Rod??] is trailing you to pick up the body bag when the FBI tosses it. TONY: That's funny, Gibbs, real funny. Especially since- Aaahhh! Tony trails off as the body bag containing him is dumped out onto the road. Gibbs just calmly hangs up and turns back to look at Ducky. GIBBS: I guess they found him. (smirk) *cut to MTAC* The NCIS Director is videoconferencing with the Secret Service and FBI Directors. NCIS DIRECTOR: Special Agent Gibbs has been operating under my direct orders. SECRET SERVICE DIRECTOR: Agent Todd was also acting under orders. FBI DIRECTOR: As was Agent Fornell. NCIS DIRECTOR: Then the problem seems to be that my man succeeded where your two... didn't. SECRET SERVICE DIRECTOR: Tom, this is no time for turf wars. Not after 9/11. And especially when the President's life may be at risk. NCIS DIRECTOR: I'd like to think this is not about turf, Mark. Rather that we all believe we have the right people for the job. We shouldn't be agency directors if we didn't. SECRET SERVICE DIRECTOR: You're offering a shared investigation? NCIS DIRECTOR: I am. FBI DIRECTOR: Who leads? Your man? NCIS DIRECTOR: We do have the body. SECRET SERVICE DIRECTOR: (sarcastically) Huh. *cut to Autopsy* GERALD: I found Abby, she's on the way in. GIBBS: Yeah, did you wake her up? GERALD: No, I called her on her cell. Sounded like one phat party. Gerald leaves, carrying the Commander's uniform wrapped in plastic. Gibbs just blinks in confusion at the terminology. GIBBS: Find anything Ducky? DUCKY: Nope, and I won't for hours. (lifts an arm, uses a magnifying glass to peer at it) I've just begun examining the body for needle marks. GIBBS: You think somebody stuck him? DUCKY: I don't know. GIBBS: Anything on the uniform. DUCKY: Not that I could see. I've sent it up to Abby. GIBBS: (spots something) What's this? DUCKY: (checks) A mole. Gibbs, go home. Get some sleep. I would if I could, this is gonna take all night. What's left of it. Gibbs wanders over to the side counter and picks up a roll of paper towel. He lays it down like a pillow on an autopsy bed beside the corpse's and stretches out with a groan of relief. He rolls over onto his side and closes his eyes for a nap. GIBBS: Ducky, why would Abby go to a "fat" party? DUCKY: Jethro, (turns off overhead lights) get some sleep. Ducky goes back to work under the sole light of the spot lamp over the body. Meanwhile, Abby is in her lab examining Cmdr. Trapp's uniform under UV light. TONY: Abby? ABBY: Yeah? TONY (carrying a box of evidence): Find anything on his uniform? ABBY: Not yet. TONY: Well, I think I found how he was poisoned. Tony takes the box of evidence bags and starts laying them out on the countertop. Abby follows. TONY: This guy had enough vitamins, herbs, and organic food to open his own health market. If he was poisoned, I think you'll find it laced into one of these. ABBY (signs label on evidence bag to keep chain of custody): So what are you gonna do while I'm finding poison in a health snack? TONY: (yawns) I'll wait. ABBY: There's a futon, by the cabinet over there. TONY: (clasps hands in benediction) Oh, bless you. ABBY: (chuckles) What are you, my priest? TONY: (pause) Curse you? Abby laughs. Tony lays down for a nap under a desk with the futon mattress. Abby goes back to work. *cut to NCIS headquarters. It's obviously a few hours later, the next day.* Ducky points out a yellow spot highlighted on the brain scan of the corpse, which is being displayed on the widescreen television. Everyone is there, including Agents Kate Todd and Fornell. DUCKY: My neural pathology exam indicates that our victim succumbed to a cerebral embolism. Here, in the parietal lobe. I also found a number of clots, most of them centred in the renal artery. KATE: Isn't that unusual? DUCKY: Oh, not at all. In most cases of arterial thrombosis, clots will develop over a period of minutes or hours, spread to the rest of the body. GIBBS: But what caused them to develop in a healthy young aviator? DUCKY: Abby? (turns the floor over to her) ABBY: Well I did a fibrinogen test. The procoagulate numbers were high, but they weren't off the charts. FORNELL: Any drugs that might induce the clotting? ABBY: Well yeah, but none of those popped up. I only iso'ed the epinephrine that was injected when he got jolted and juiced on the plane. TONY: No vitamins? Herbals? ABBY: The guy was an organic freak. I mean, he probably whizzed green. But none of that'll cottage cheese your blood. KATE: Did you test the food that ingested on Air Force One? ABBY: Everything that was bagged and tagged. Ribs, coleslaw, barby sauce... it was all negative for toxins. I mean, that stuff will kill ya, but it'll take, like, thirty years. Do you dudes in the Secret Service ever think about throwing yourselves in front of the President's diet? Gibbs chuckles, Kate smiles ruefully. FORNELL: So, you're both saying he wasn't murdered? DUCKY: However freakish and tragic, it apparently was a natural death. FORNELL: I want my people to check your results. DUCKY: Of course. You and Agent Todd will be receiving copies of all our tests. FORNELL: Does it for me. (looks at Tony) How's your butt? TONY: Still bouncing on the beltway. Fornell leaves. Kate goes to follow, but Gibbs calls her back with a stick of gum. GIBBS: Kate. (she takes gum) When's the President returning? KATE: Uh, tomorrow. Noon. I'm flying back tonight to rejoin the detail. GIBBS: Mind if I tag along? Kate waffles. GIBBS: (childishly) Please? KATE: (smiling smugly) You can. Your Sig Sauer can't. We have a rule: no weapons on Air Force One unless they're Secret Service. Kate pops the gum in her mouth. Gibbs shrugs and takes off his sidearm, tucking it away in a drawer. He puts on his coat and follows Kate out. GIBBS (to Ducky and Abby as he passes): Keep looking. ABBY: (amused) Wow. Gibbs said "please". *cut to bar* Kate is having a drink with Major Kerry. KERRY (proposing toast with his beer): To Commander Trapp. (he and Kate clink glasses, drink) To come all the way through the war without a scratch and then die in a stroke... He was in the thick of it on the push to Baghdad. KATE: You never told me that you knew him. KERRY: We had a drink when he reported to the Whitehouse. He wanted to know what tips I could give him. KATE: About the Football detail? KERRY: Yeah. Where he could find a good gym. Dry cleaners. Grocery mart. Local watering hole. KATE: Did you tell him about this place? KERRY: No. He might have run into us and that wouldn't have been good, would it? (takes her hand) KATE: (looks at their hands) No, it wouldn't. (slides her hand out from under his) KERRY: Huh. He wouldn't have run into us after tonight though, would he? KATE: (whispering) No. KERRY: Worried about losing your job? KATE: Worried about losing the President. When we work together my focus just wouldn't be a hundred percent. I'm sorry, Tim. That's the way it's gotta be and you know it. Major Kerry helps Kate out into her car and watches as she drives away. He goes to his own car, and as he gets in we see he has started to sweat profusely. He tugs at his collar but quickly starts convulsing and falls over, white foam dripping from his mouth. He's obviously dead. *cut to Air Force One* The President reboards the plane. PRESIDENT: Good to see you again, Major. (pats the new Football carrier on the arm) Always good to see ya. (to Agent Baer) Folks, that was a job well done. BAER: Thank you, sir. PRESIDENT: What do you say we head home? BAER: Absolutely. PRESIDENT: Alright. I agree. KATE (to Baer): Sir? I'm surprised that you didn't object to Agent Gibbs riding with us? BAER: He's here because his gut is still churning, isn't it? KATE: Yes, sir. I suppose you could put it that way. BAER: Well so is mine. Kate nods, equally as concerned, as she watches Baer walk off after the President. Air Force One takes off, once more. *cut to NCIS Headquarters* ABBY: Ducky, I have tested everything. Mineral acids, organic acids, alkaloids, bacterial poisons... DUCKY: You know, Abby, nature always proves to be a far more elusive and powerful killer than man. Ducky leaves. Abby looks thoughtful. *cut to Air Force One* The new Football carrier is currently being served lunch. Gibbs watches him eat. KATE (to Gibbs): Expect him to drop? GIBBS: (goes over to Kate) I see you're over the flu. (sits) KATE: Twenty-four hour bug. Tim got over it yesterday. Tim is Major Kerry. GIBBS: Yeah. I kinda figured that. KATE: (defensively) I met him for a drink yesterday. I told him we had to stop seeing each other. I mean, we hadn't been dating long. I mean, we knew each other on the detail for a couple of months before we started... dating. You know, when you're on the job 24/7, how else do you get to know someone? GIBBS: Church. *cut to Abby's lab* She's looking at natural toxins produced by animals, such as the Puffer fish. The test comes up negative. She sighs and goes back to try another. *cut back to Air Force One* BAER: Annie. ANNIE: Yes? BAER: The President's ready to see you. Annie follows Baer out of the Press cabin, past where Gibbs and Kate are seated. Gibbs gets up to watch them curiously. GIBBS: Where they going? KATE: The President promised ten minutes to each member of the Press on board. Since we kicked them off at Wichita, he's playing catch up. GIBBS: Three years before 9/11, Clancy wrote a book where a terrorist hijacked a commercial jetliner and crashed it into the Capital. (looks into Press cabin) In the Harrison Ford movie, the terrorists were reporters. KATE: Gibbs, everyone on board has been vetted by us for years. Except you. GIBBS: In the film, the terrorists got they're credentials from a Secret Service turncoat. Gibbs walks away. Kate sighs. A man from the Press cabin walks up beside her and watches Gibbs leave. MAN: Loosening up your dress code, Kate? KATE: He's not one of us. MAN: We all gonna get our fifteen minutes of fame? KATE (shuffling him back to his seat): It's ten, Leonard, and the President's doing his best. *cut to Abby's lab* She's spinning a pair of scissors around her finger while she waits for her machine to beep. The test for Poison Arrow Frog is also negative. *cut to street outside the bar where Kate broke up with Major Kerry* The police have found a body. Tony drives up to investigate. TONY (to cop): Agent DiNozzo, NCIS. What do you got? COP: One dead Marine officer. No signs of trauma. (indicates wallet) Doesn't appear to be a robbery, there's still cash and credit cards in his wallet. (passes wallet to Tony) I've got two shooting already this morning. Since this guy's one of yours, I hoped you might take it. Tony flips open the wallet and sees the ID. It's Major Timothy Kerry. TONY: Yeah. We'll take him. *cut to Abby's lab* She's finally gotten a positive test result. The toxin is identified as "taipan1". Abby jumps up and down in exaltation. *cut to Air Force One* Gibbs is wandering around exploring the plane again. GIBBS: There's something different about this plane than Air Force One. KATE: This is Air Force One. GIBBS: You know what I mean. In the background, Agent Baer brings Annie back and calls for Leonard. It's his turn with the President now. He lingers putting on his sport coat as he leaves, overhearing Kate talk with Gibbs. KATE: There's some minor differences. 2900 is newer, has some minor updates. GIBBS: Like what? KATE: Rear loading hatch is bigger on the 2900. Extra lavatory forward. Locks are digital on 29, and keyed on this. Man on intercom interrupts them. COMM: Special Agent Gibbs, you have a teleconference call in Comm. GIBBS: (gets up to leave) Kate, I want to know every difference on this plane, no matter how small you think it is. KATE (calling after him as he walks away): Please? Gibbs takes the teleconference call. It's Tony at MTAC. GIBBS: What's up? TONY: Major Kerry is dead. D.C. cops found the body in his car on a street in Georgetown. Ducky and Abby'll update you. Tony switches the teleconference over to open up windows into Ducky's autopsy and Abby's lab so they can contribute as well. GIBBS: Another stroke, Duck? DUCKY: I'm afraid so, Gibbs. But this time there are multiple embolic infarctions. The Major must have received a heavier dose than the Commander. GIBBS: Dose of what, Abby? ABBY: It's venom, from a coastal taipan. It's a highly toxic Aussie snake. Well this junk zaps the nervous system and it clots the blood. You convulse, and then you stroke. DUCKY: The toxin is almost impossible to detect. TONY: Well, the truth is, Abby would have detected it if I hadn't interrupted her while she was ALSing the uniform. GIBBS: The venom was in the uniform? ABBY: Yeah. I found traces of DMSO in the collars and the cuffs. I think it was mixed with the venom to make it absorbed through the skin. TONY: Major Kerry was the intended target. When he came down with the flu, he didn't put his uniform on until yesterday. GIBBS: How did the terrorist get the poison into the uniforms? ABBY: Well, they both have tags from Dry Doc Cleaners on 19th Street. GIBBS: DiNozzo, why are you sitting there on your ass? Get a team and go hit that dry cleaners. Tony looks behind him at Director Morrow. The Director sits down in Tony's seat. DIRECTOR: I've passed that baton on to the FBI. This has all the earmarks of Al-Qaeda; unexpected, well planned, brilliantly executed. But to what end? TONY: Wouldn't surprise me to hear Bin Laden on Al-Jazeera bragging about how he iced the President's Ball carriers. DIRECTOR: I don't think that's what he wants to brag about. GIBBS: Eh, neither do I. Gibbs signs off and leans back in his chair, thinking. Then he runs down the stairs to the new Football carrier, who leaps to his feet when he sees Gibbs. GIBBS: Where'd you get your uniform dry-cleaned? MARINE: Base cleaner at Quantico, sir. Gibbs walks back down the aisle, encountering Kate on the way. She's got her laptop open in her arms. KATE: I've accessed everything I could on the differences. GIBBS: We need to talk. (goes to open a door to an office) KATE: (stopping him) What are you doing? There's a campaign conference going on in there. GIBBS: I need to talk to you in private. KATE: Well, there's no other private meeting room. You could ask the President to give up his office, but it might be a little weird. Gibbs grabs her laptop and throws it down on a seat. While she protests, Gibbs pushes her into a bathroom and squeezes in with her. KATE: Hey! GIBBS: (taking her weapon) Sit down. KATE: What are you doing?! GIBBS: (holding her own weapon pointed at her) Commander Trapp was poisoned. Australian snake venom. Hard to detect, mimics a natural death. KATE: What? You think I did it? GIBBS: Well, sweetpea, you were with him when he was poisoned. KATE: Yeah, so was the President. You gonna accuse him? GIBBS: No. He wasn't with Major Kerry yesterday. KATE: Tim? GIBBS: Yeah. Stroked, on a Georgetown street. Kate looks upset. GIBBS: You know, I bet it wasn't far from the bar where you two kissed and said bye-bye. Kate starts hitting him, crying, very upset. She calls him an "asshole", then buries her face in his shoulder while he holds her. GIBBS (explaining): I gave it to you cold, wanted to see your reaction. Liars can't bail on cue. (hands her back her weapon while she gets ahold of herself) Come on. KATE: (takes weapon back) You're still a b*st*rd. Gibbs doesn't argue. KATE: How were they poisoned? GIBBS: Dry cleaner laced their uniforms with poison. Must be an Al-Qaeda sleeper. KATE: Tim must have recommended his dry cleaners, he... GIBBS: What? KATE: (crying again) Yesterday, Tim told me that they had a drink and he gave Commander Trapp tips like that. GIBBS: Well they've got to be after the President, but what would killing the Ball carrier give them? KATE: Nothing. Another aide steps in. GIBBS: (realising) And another plane. This plane. They forced the President to fly his backup. KATE: Security's exactly the same. GIBBS: But the plane isn't. And I'll bet Security isn't either until the President's on board. Al-Qaeda has to have planted something on this plane. KATE: It can't be a bomb, they would have detonated it by now. *cut to Press cabin* A journalist starts going into convulsions and drops to the floor. Secret Service agents rush to his side. SECRET SERVICE: Medical emergency, Press cabin. Agent Baer leaves from escorting Leonard to race to the Press cabin. Leonard ambles along behind him. The same three medics from before come running. BAER: Captain, is this the same thing Trapp had? DOCTOR: It appears to be. FEMALE MEDIC: (checks respiration) He's not breathing. DOCTOR: Start CPR. BAER: Do something! Leonard, meanwhile, walks over to the cabinet Gibbs had remarked on before when comparing the plane with the movie. He has a key to unlock the cabinet. Inside are weapons, and he arms himself with an automatic. *cut to bathroom* GIBBS: You said the locks were different. KATE: 29 has digital ones, this one has keys. GIBBS: Armoury, the armoury. They have keys to the armoury. They copied the movie. They've vetted a reporter. KATE: That would take years. (puts her earwig back in) GIBBS: So did setting up 9/11. As they exit the washroom, Leonard sees them and ducks down side corridor before they can see him. KATE (listening to comm. chatter): There's a medical emergency in the Press cabin. GIBBS: It's a diversion. Cover the President. They split up. Gibbs back toward the Press cabin, Kate to the President. She draws her weapon as she approaches. KATE (to Ball carrier): Nobody gets past you. The Marine Football carrier plants himself in the middle of the aisle, a determined blockade. Leonard waits until Gibbs has passed by before going back out into the aisle. Gibbs makes his way to the armoury and grabs a handgun. Leonard approaches the Marine guarding the hall, who moves to intercept him. MARINE: Sir, stop right there. Stop right there, sir! LEONARD: What's happened? GIBBS: Freeze! Gibbs is now behind Leonard, pointing his gun at him. Leonard halts. GIBBS: Get your hands in the air. LEONARD: (slowly turning around) Sure. Someone yelled for a doctor. As Leonard turns, he starts firing the automatic on an arc toward Gibbs. Gibbs does not flinch, but fires once into Leonard's chest. Leonard falls onto his butt, alive and no longer firing, but still with his finger on the trigger of the automatic. Gibbs shoots him twice more in the chest and head. Leonard keels over, dead. Kate and everyone else shows up to see what happened. Gibbs walks passed the body up to Kate and hands her his appropriated weapon with a smirk. *cut to Air Force One, once again parked on the tarmac surrounded by emergency vehicles.* BAER: I'm gonna be doing paperwork for a week. GIBBS: Oh yeah, me too. BAER: Agent Todd told me about her and Major Kerry when she tendered her resignation. GIBBS: Are you accepting? BAER: Of course, she broke the rules. (offers his hand) Well, thank you, Special Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: (shakes hand) No sir, thank you. Gibbs deplanes smiling. Kate is then seen walking despondently away from the scene. Gibbs comes running up to her. GIBBS: I heard you quit, Agent Todd. KATE: Happy news gets around fast. Yes, I resigned. It was the right thing to do. GIBBS: Yup. Pull that crap at NCIS, I won't give you a chance to resign. KATE: (surprised) Is that a job offer? Gibbs doesn't respond, but gets picked up by his mysterious redheaded lady friend with the convertible. Kate looks on in bewilderment. *cut to Gibbs's basement* The TV flicks on in the middle of a news report. Agent Fornell is giving a press conference on site at Air Force One. FORNELL (on TV): Federal agents working in unison with the Secret Service were able to foil a terrorist attempt to assassinate the President while he was on board Air Force One. The body of the terrorist is being delivered to the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology, where FBI forensics experts will endeavour to identify him. REPORTER (on TV): Was it Al-Qaeda? FORNELL: That's all we know at this time. The television sounds fade into the background as the camera focuses on Gibbs, once again diligently sanding his boat's frame to smoothness. *END CREDITS*

Plan: A: Air Force One; Q: What is the name of the plane that the President flies on? A: Gerald Downey; Q: Who played Ray Trapp? A: mysterious circumstances; Q: How does Ray Trapp die? A: an emergency landing; Q: What does the death of the Navy commander force? A: a tragic accident; Q: What was the original thought of the death of the Navy commander? A: NCIS; Q: What agency is investigating the death of the Navy commander? A: the President; Q: Who was the possible target of an assassination attempt? Summary: While on Air Force One , a Navy commander, Ray Trapp ( Gerald Downey ) who was tasked with carrying the " football " dies under mysterious circumstances, forcing an emergency landing in Wichita, Kansas . But while his death is originally thought to be a tragic accident, NCIS eventually uncovers evidence suggesting the commander was in fact murdered and that it might be connected to a possible assassination attempt on the President.

[Elder Gilmore home: front door] (Doorbell rings, maid answers the door.) LORELAI: Oh, I'm late. EMILY: I know. LORELAI: Blame the insane people driving in front of me. They had a "honk if you love to scuba dive" bumper sticker on the back of their car, so I honked. EMILY: You don't scuba dive. LORELAI: Yes, but I've been testing people who have "honk" bumper stickers lately to see if they really want people to honk. Guess what? They don't. I lay on my horn, and this alleged scuba diver slows to a crawl in front of me just out of revenge, and I'm screwed. EMILY: You need a hobby. LORELAI: Yes, actually. EMILY: Come on, Rory's waiting. (They walk into the living room.) RORY: Hey, what happened? EMILY: She honked. RORY: Oh, another bumper sticker test. LORELAI: I just thought up a great idea for a reality show. You pull people over who have those "honk if you love whatever" bumper stickers, you kidnap them, and you make them do whatever the bumper sticker says they like to do, whether they do it or not. And then you make them eat bugs. EMILY: So I hear you have a new boyfriend. LORELAI (gasps): How did you - ? RORY: Not from me. EMILY: Don't jump on Rory. LORELAI: How, Mom? EMILY: Kirk told me. RORY: Kirk? LORELAI: Kirk who? EMILY: How many Kirks do you know? LORELAI: My Kirk? Stars Hollow Kirk? Kirk who hasn't started shaving yet, Kirk? How did you find out from him? EMILY: I called the Inn looking for you, and Michel answered, but he was in the middle of some argument with the horse veterinarian. Then there was a cracking sound and the phone went dead. Then there was another man's voice saying "hello". LORELAI: Kirk? EMILY: Bob. LORELAI: The gardener? RORY: More twists than Oh Henry. EMILY: He told me something in a heavy spanish accent, all while Michel was yelling at the vet in French - LORELAI: I'll be, the UN erupts. EMILY: Then Kirk came on. He was there delivering something. And when I told him I was looking for you, he said you were probably at your boyfriend Luke Danes' house. Now why were you hiding it from me? LORELAI: I wasn't hiding it. EMILY: You jumped on Rory when you thought she told me. You were hiding it. RORY: She did not jump on me, Grandma. LORELAI: Yeah, and I wasn't hiding it. The only reason I reacted to Kirk the way that I did is that he's not in this world, he's in my other world. It's as if I, out of the blue, told you I was having tea with Mrs. Van Uppity. EMILY: Who? LORELAI: Hortence Van Uppity, tight bun, lace collar, tiny poodle... fictional friend? EMILY: You keep so much from me with these separate worlds of yours. It's not right. LORELAI: I will try harder to merge the worlds. I promise. EMILY: Well, start now. I want to meet this Luke Danes. LORELAI: You've met him. EMILY: Not in this capacity. I need to re-meet him. LORELAI: Well, I'm sure that day will come. EMILY: Next week. LORELAI: What? EMILY: You have a gentleman friend of significance. LORELAI: Rhett is my gentleman friend, yes. EMILY: So it's only proper that you introduce him to your mother. Unless he's insignificant; I don't want to meet a passing ship. That's a waste of my time. Is Luke a passing ship? Is he insignificant? LORELAI: No, he's not EMILY: I'll get my book and we will pick a date next week. LORELAI: Mom - EMILY: Next week. LORELAI: I - EMILY: Next week. (She goes to get her book.) RORY: Honk if Emily Gilmore views your mind as her personal playground. LORELAI: Honk, honk. [Cut to opening credits.] [Yale newspaper office.] DOYLE: We eat it, we breathe it, it's our heart and lungs. What is it? The three basics: accuracy, accuracy, and accuracy. It's my head that went up on a platter, okay? So go the extra yard. Protect my head. RORY: Headache, Doyle? DOYLE: Charles Graw used to eat aspirin like candy. He ate candy like candy, too, hence the belly like jell-o. That was mean. The man's dead. So, how's the story coming? On that secret society. RORY: The Life and Death Brigade. Get this. I've got a contact. DOYLE: Inside? RORY: Deep inside. DOYLE: Who? RORY: Anonymous. Don't ask again. DOYLE: Your call. RORY: I'm going to tell this story from the inside. DOYLE: You'll be careful? RORY: Careful enough. DOYLE: Well, stay on it. RORY: You bet. DOYLE: I love this. We just had a very All the President's Men moment. RORY: Very. DOYLE: Moving around the newsroom like that, felt good. RORY: Let's do it again sometime. DOYLE: Now? RORY: Might look silly. DOYLE: Carry on. RORY: Right, Chief. [Luke's diner: interior] CAESAR: There you are. LANE: Club sandwich, burger well done, fries. Let me know if you need anything. (She sees Zach hovering outside. Goes out to talk to him.) LANE: Hey. What's up? You're acting all squirrelly. ZACH: I'm ready now. LANE: For what? ZACH: To date. LANE: Wow. ZACH: That offer's still good, right? LANE: Yeah, still good. ZACH: Okay. So, we should pick a time. LANE: Sure. ZACH: How about now? LANE: I'm kind of working. ZACH: Right. How about tonight? LANE: I've got band practice. ZACH: Right. LANE: And so do you. ZACH: 'Cause we're in the same band. Okay. So, we'll figure it out. LANE: We'll figure it out. ZACH: Cool. (Lane smiles.) ZACH: See you at home. LANE: Yeah, see you. ZACH: Okay. (Lane goes back into the diner. Lorelai is right behind her.) LORELAI: Hey, Lane, how's it going? LANE: Good, very good. LORELAI: Oh, well, lucky you. LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: How dark is it? LUKE: How dark is what? LORELAI: The cumulus nimbus hovering over my head. LUKE: Huh? LORELAI: The black cloud. Was that a drop? LUKE: What are you talking about? LORELAI: I have some very bad news. LUKE: What? LORELAI: My mother is insisting on having dinner with us. LUKE: That's it? LORELAI: Did you hear what I said? Mother, dinner, us? That's on a par with car, test, crash test dummy. Don't worry, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get us out of this. I promise. LUKE: Why? LORELAI: What do you mean, why? LUKE: Let's just do it, get it over with. Meeting the parents comes with the territory. We can't put it off forever. LORELAI: Oh yeah? My fourth grade teacher wanted a meeting with my parents. She was hit by a bus six years ago. Never got the meeting. LUKE: Book it. LORELAI: Luke! LUKE: Book it. LORELAI: Okay. But I'm warning you. If I call and tell her, and then you change your mind and you want to back out, we're going to have to leave the country. And have extensive facial surgery, and s*x changes. Both of us, so that we can, you know, kiss and not look funny. LUKE: I'm not going to change my mind. LORELAI: Okay, fine, I'll just call her now (pulls out her cell phone) - oh, whoa, what is happening? Something dark is happening here. It is heavy like iron. Oh, did you feel that ice cold wind that just passed through? LUKE: Make the call. LORELAI: I see dead people. LUKE: Make the call. (Lorelai dials the phone.) [Elder Gilmore's house: exterior.] (Luke and Lorelai get out of his truck and walk to the door.) LUKE: This is a house? LORELAI: This is a house. LUKE: What a waste! See, this is what causes peasants to revolt. This is how heads end up on pikes. LORELAI: Open with that. That's a great icebreaker. Now listen, I want you to be careful about your consumption of booze. LUKE: I'm not going to drink too much. LORELAI: No, no, no. You've got it backwards, there, Pablo. Ride the pink elephant, baby, 'cause it's your only defense against Emily Gilmore unless you're packing a Kolishnikov. LUKE: Yeah, yeah. Shouldn't we ring the doorbell or something? (He rings the bell.) LORELAI: Oh, a little strategy. (Picks up a plant stake and starts drawing in the dirt.) Here's the front door. We're here. Drink cart's here. It's knock, knock. Open the door. "Hi." "Hi." Turn left, veer right, past the couch, we're at the booze. Any questions? LUKE: Uh, yeah. Shouldn't you get a massage or something? LORELAI: Take off your coat. LUKE: It's cold. LORELAI: No, it's time consuming. Roll it in a ball and have it ready to hand off to the maid. Yeah. (Maid opens the door.) LORELAI: Hi, hello. MAID: Hi, come in please. LORELAI: Thank you. (Luke takes the plant stake.) Sorry. MAID: Can I take your coats? LORELAI: Yeah, got mine all ready. (They enter.) MAID: Alright. LUKE: Here you go. I'm Luke. MAID: I'm a maid. LUKE: Yeah. Nice to meet you. LORELAI: Oh, that was so sweet and innocent. EMILY: Well, well, our honored guest. Welcome. LORELAI: Mom, Luke. Luke, Mom. EMILY: We've met, Lorelai. Several times. LORELAI: Well, I was just "re-introducing" you, as per your instructions. LUKE: Good to see you again, Mrs. Gilmore. EMILY: Ah, no, it's Emily. I insist. LUKE: Nice to see you, Emily. LORELAI: Drinks? EMILY: We're in the foyer. LORELAI: Let's change that. EMILY: Not if Luke wants a tour. LORELAI (pointing): Oh, okay, well, foyer, staircase, upstairs, dining room, kitchen, weird piano area that we never really named, and right through here is the living room. (She goes.) LUKE: Yeah, uh, I don't need a tour. Thanks. EMILY: Well, then, let's go in the living room. [Elder Gilmore house: living room.] LUKE: Your house is beautiful. EMILY: They don't make them like this anymore. LUKE: I'll say. EMILY: They make everything out of cardboard now. White boxes with heating vents. LUKE: Yeah. The art of craftsmanship is dead. LORELAI: Gin. EMILY: Do you have Tourette's or something? LORELAI: I'm sorry. I thought I heard you say what would I like to drink. EMILY: I was getting there. LORELAI: Gin martini, please. EMILY: I already made a pitcher of martinis, but they're vodka. LORELAI: Vodka's perfect. Double with a twist. EMILY: So, two cold martinis with a twist, and Luke, how would you like a beer? LUKE: Great. LORELAI: Or maybe Luke would like to choose his own drink. That's a thought. EMILY: Oh, yes, I'm sorry Luke. You can have whatever you like. I've got it all. LUKE: Beer is perfect. EMILY: Beer it is. LORELAI: No, no, she's got everything. She's got scotch, she's got rum, she's got, uh, whiskey, she's got red wine, she's not kidding, she's got it all. LUKE: Beer is perfect. LORELAI: Okay, bring him a beer. EMILY: Here we are. LORELAI: Thank you. LUKE: Thank you, Emily. EMILY: The beer is nice and cold. I almost want one myself. LUKE: Hey, uh, you can have some of mine if you want. EMILY: So, how's that diner of yours? LORELAI: Uh... LUKE: It's doing great. No matter what the economic climate, people gotta eat. EMILY: That is so true. And I thought your place was very charming. Nice and rustic. (Lorelai clears her throat.) EMILY: Do you need a cough drop? LUKE: She's fine. EMILY: Where'd your martini go? LORELAI: To a happy place. EMILY: Do you want another? LORELAI: Does Pavarotti want another donut? EMILY: That's a yes? LUKE: I'll pour it, Emily. EMILY: Thank you, Luke. I should go check on dinner. Will you excuse me? LUKE: Absolutely. EMILY: Thank you. (She goes.) LUKE: Unbelievable. LORELAI: I know, she didn't make nearly enough. LUKE: I meant you, you're acting crazy. LORELAI: She's insulting you! LUKE: No, she's not. Your mom's being great. LORELAI: What? Were you in the room? Did you not hear the awful things she said? LUKE: What did she say? LORELAI: Rustic diner? Rustic? LUKE: So? LORELAI: Backhand slang for crap pile. LUKE: Or she was admiring its vintage feel. LORELAI: Oh, what was the other word she used? LUKE: Charming? LORELAI: Ah, slang for doggie poopy. LUKE: Unbelievable. LORELAI: Wait, wait, what was the beer thing? Oh my God! LUKE: That was nice. I wanted beer, she was considerate enough to anticipate that that might be the case. LORELAI: The word beer, backhand slang for nitwit juice. LUKE: You're reading way too much into this. LORELAI: Excuse me, but I would defer to the Gilmore expert here. I am the oracle. I carry all the knowledge. LUKE: Well, I would like you to calm down, because you're making me nervous. LORELAI: I'm trying to protect you. LUKE: I'm a grown man, and this isn't my first foray into the big city. I've dealt with all types of people in my life. Rich, poor, snobby, proud. I can handle it. LORELAI: But - LUKE: And by you jumping in after everything your mother says, makes me look weak. And I don't want to look weak. LORELAI: I don't want you to either! LUKE: Well, then, give me my space, okay? Please. LORELAI: Okay, I'll give you your space. (Emily returns.) EMILY: Dinner is going to be as good as it smells, I guarantee it. LUKE: It smells wonderful, Emily. EMILY: Thank you, Luke. It's nice to have a kind gentleman in the house. LUKE: Thank you. EMILY: So, you're recently divorced? LUKE: Uh, yeah, I guess. Although, it depends on what you'd call recently. EMILY: In the last year, you've been divorced in the last year, that would be recent. LUKE: Uh, yeah. Yes. EMILY: Terrible, the divorce rate, isn't it. LUKE: Yes, it's terrible. EMILY: I'm sure it was inevitable in your case. LUKE: Turned out that way. EMILY: I hope there weren't children. LUKE: No. EMILY: Divorce destroys children. But, without children, you're only harming yourself. Of course, nowadays people get married for fun. Apparently there's nothing good on TV. (Luke looks at Lorelai with pain on his face.) [Yale dorms: Rory's room.] (Rory walks in and presses a button on her answering machine.) DEAN'S VOICE: Hey. It's Dean. Uh, so, we were supposed to get together day after tomorrow, but I have to cancel - again. One day, I'm going to have one job, not three, which will simplify everything. I hope. Anyway, um, I was hoping we could somehow hook up tomorrow night, I forget if you have something going on, but I've got a three hour window, and I was thinking dinner or something. Maybe we can meet halfway between Yale and Stars Hollow. That probably puts us on the interstate, meaning the six ninety-nine surf and turf special, but hell, I'm a cheap date. Uh, so, not the most romantic get together for us, but something's better than nothing. Let me know. Bye. (As she listens to the message, she notices an envelope taped to the outside of her window. She reaches out and opens it and reads this note: "Be in your vestibule at four tomorrow. Blindfolded. The LDB." She reaches into the envelope again and pulls out a blindfold.) ANSWERING MACHINE: End of messages. [Elder Gilmore's house: dining room.] EMILY: Diners are generally so filthy. I'm sure yours isn't, but the horror stories you hear. I read that one in Vermont got caught serving roadkill. Do you know what that is? LUKE: Uh, yeah, it's, uh, dead animals from the street. EMILY: From the street, from the backyard, fished out of pools. These diners find it and serve it. Again, probably not yours. But the fact that this place got away with it at all is astounding. I guess people who frequent diners don't look too closely at what they're eating out of self defense. LUKE: We don't serve roadkill at my place. EMILY: Well good for you. (pause.) I had a friend who ate at a diner once and the next day she dropped dead. Her family considered suing the place but there's nothing to get from these people. A couple of stools and a toaster. But they were sure it was a matter of hygiene and they eventually drove them out of the state. I don't want to tell you what they found when they moved the stove. Would you like another beer, Luke? [Elder Gilmore house: outside.] (Emily is walking Lorelai and Luke out.) EMILY: ... Opiate for the masses. Well, so what? We all have our opiates. For some it's valet, for Luke it's baseball. Whoever I heard say it just happened to say it about what Luke likes. Oh, no! Some workman has left his filthy truck in our clean driveway! Richard must have sent for him. LUKE: Oh, that's mine, actually. EMILY: Oh. Well, it's nice. Rustic. I like the color. LUKE: Thank you. EMILY: And I like this coat of yours, there's something nice about simple cloth. LUKE: Thanks. EMILY: Well, this was wonderful. Don't be a stranger, all right? LUKE: I won't. Thank you, Emily. EMILY: Goodbye. Bye, Lorelai. (She goes back inside.) LORELAI: Bye, Mom. LUKE: Thanks, again. (The door closes.) LUKE: You know what's amazing, I mean truly amazing. LORELAI: What? LUKE: She never said anything directly bad about me or the diner or anything else concerning me. LORELAI: She's good. LUKE: And all I did was thank her. Over and over. She'd hammer me, and I'd thank her. LORELAI: It's a talent. LUKE: "Rustic" really did sound like crap pile that time. LORELAI: Come on, babe. You'll feel better about halfway home. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: Then the eye-popping nausea will hit you. The rich food mixes with the bitter memories and it all gets worse, and then it gets better. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: Until you get to Route 44, and then you hit bottom. LUKE: Good. Great. LORELAI: I'll be ready with a tongue depressor to keep you from swallowing your tongue. I keep them in my purse. Step up. [Yale dorms: vestibule.] (Rory is standing blindfolded as other students walk by.) LOGAN: Hey, Ace, you ready? (reaches around a corner and pulls her by the arm.) RORY: Well - [Black SUV: interior.] (Rory sits blindfolded in the middle.) LOGAN: Hit it! FINN: Ah! Not so loud! STEPHANIE: You're very auditorily sensitive today. FINN: Oh, and your voice helps. COLIN: Is the blindfold secure? LOGAN: Secure and in place. COLIN: Our anonymity's crucial, Logan. Crucial. (Finn groans.) RORY: What's wrong with Finn? COLIN: Great job with the blindfold, Logan. RORY: I recognized your voices, Colin. FINN: Could everyone keep it down, please. RORY: Can we remove the blindfold now? LOGAN: We're also hiding our destination. FINN: We had to leave at this ungodly hour. RORY: It's four in the afternoon. LOGAN: He's got a thing about the sun. FINN: It's too bright. RORY: So how come you're not wearing your gorilla masks? COLIN: She can see. RORY: I can tell because your voices aren't muffled. STEPHANIE: She's sharp. RORY: Who's the girl? STEPHANIE: I've been told we've met. I've no memory of it. RORY: Oh, Gorilla Girl. STEPHANIE: Oh, well, isn't that a pretty nickname. LOGAN: Oh, by the way, this thing's overnight. RORY: Overnight? LOGAN: Didn't I mention that before? RORY: Oh, must have slipped your mind. LOGAN: That doesn't screw up anything for you, does it? RORY: No. LOGAN: No? RORY: Nope. LOGAN: Hmm. Loose schedule. Good. FINN: We like our schedules loose, like our women. COLIN: Clever. FINN: My God, it's early. [Luke's diner: interior.] (Phone rings.) LUKE: Luke's. VOICE: Good afternoon, I'm calling for Mr. Luke Danes. LUKE: This is Luke Danes. VOICE: Please hold for Mr. Gilmore. LUKE: What? For who? Hello? RICHARD: Luke? Richard Gilmore here. LUKE: Uh, uh, hi, Richard. Mr. Gilmore, sir, how are you? RICHARD: I'm fine, thank you. Listen, I thought we could meet for a round of golf, you and I. LUKE: Golf? RICHARD: Tomorrow afternoon's good for me. LUKE: Uh-huh. RICHARD: Is that good for you? LUKE: Well, uh... RICHARD: Good. I'll have Margie call you back with the details. LUKE: ... Okay. RICHARD: Wonderful, I look forward to it. See you at the club. LUKE: Yeah, see you at the club. (Richard hangs up. Luke looks in disbelief at the phone in his hand.) [Woods. Cars are parked. The black SUV pulls up near a table with old-fashioned lanterns on it.] FINN: This mountain air has revivified me. (Laughs and runs off.) LOGAN: Make sure he doesn't run off a cliff. COLIN: Stephanie, it's your turn. STEPHANIE: Finn! You slow down! (Grabs a lantern and follows.) LOGAN: You okay? RORY: I smell trees. LOGAN: Oh, nothing gets past you. (Grabs a lantern and leads Rory into the woods.) RORY: So the firing squad is just up ahead? LOGAN: Yup, and there's a line. Damn. RORY: Seriously, Logan, is the blindfold coming off, or am I Patty Hearst-ing it the whole trip? LOGAN: It's coming off. It's coming off right now. (Pulls it off.) (Rory opens her eyes to see a camp full of white tents, candles & lanterns, and turn-of-the-century furniture.) RORY: Oh, my. [Dragonfly Inn: office] LORELAI (on cordless phone): You cannot go golfing with my father. LUKE: It's a done deal. LORELAI: What is that man up to? What is he doing? LUKE: Ouch. [Cuts back and forth between Luke's office and Lorelai's office.] LORELAI: What are you doing? LUKE: I'm looking for a book my dad had somewhere around here. "Learn Golf the Arnold Palmer Way." I can't find it. LORELAI: I beseech you. Do not go golfing with my father. LUKE: It's too late. I said yes. LORELAI: Why? Why did you say yes? LUKE: I had no choice. LORELAI: Well, saying no is a choice. Did you learn nothing from the dinner with my mother? LUKE: Apparently not. LORELAI: Call him and cancel. LUKE: Right, and how would he take that? LORELAI: Badly, that's why you just hang up real quick. LUKE: And this is a good way to start a relationship with your father. LORELAI: No, this is the way to end it. God, you're slow. Listen, call him and tell him that, um, when he called, you had just dropped some paoti, and you were tripping, and you were seeing vapors, and that's why you agreed, but then you landed and realized that you can't go. Wait, do you smoke paoti? We should get that straight before you call him. LUKE: Backing out will make it worse. LORELAI: But do you even know how to play golf? LUKE: I took a course in summer school but I accidentally hit Kent Calida in the head with a driver and got asked to leave, but I think I remember the basics. Grab the club, whack a ball. I'll fake it. LORELAI: Luke - LUKE: Don't worry, I'll be fine. LORELAI (sighing): Okay. Fine then, bye. (She hangs up, then dials another number. Scene cuts to Elder Gilmore pool house, exterior. Richard is putting.) LORELAI: Hi, Dad. I need a favor. The biggest favor I may ever ask you for, ever. RICHARD: I don't like the sound of this. LORELAI: Please cancel this golf game with Luke. RICHARD: What? No! LORELAI: But why? Why are you doing this? What is the point? RICHARD: How is this even your business? LORELAI: He's my boyfriend. RICHARD: And this is my right. Your mother already met him. At a secret dinner I only found out about because her blabbermouth maid told my valet. So now, I want to meet him. LORELAI: But you've already met him. RICHARD: Well I need to re-meet him. LORELAI: Why can't you and mom meet someone once and make it stick? RICHARD: I insist upon this golf game. LORELAI: He doesn't even golf. RICHARD: He said he did. LORELAI: Yeah, well, he whacked Kent Calida in the head with a club, okay? So you're taking your life in your own hands. You want to reconsider now, huh? You like your head, huh? RICHARD: Lorelai, tee time is set, Luke has said yes to my proposal, and tomorrow he and I are golfing. LORELAI: Have fun. RICHARD: This is not about having fun, this is protocol. LORELAI: Well, have a good protocol, Dad. Bye. (hangs up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Woods. Rory and Logan are walking among the tents.] LOGAN: Is this what you expected? RORY: No, not at all what I expected. LOGAN: Let me guess what you were thinking: sleeping bag, flashlights, keg, three boxes of stale Triscuits, half eaten bag of Oreos, some Doritos and a bong. RORY: That may be exactly what I pictured. LOGAN: You can apologize later. This is yours. (Opens a tent.) RORY: Mine? LOGAN: Not much closet space, but the view's decent. RORY: It's cozy. (She goes inside.) LOGAN: Festivities start in half an hour. (He leaves.) (Rory sits on the bed and pulls out her phone.) RORY: Dean, hi. It's me. I got your call. I would love to have dinner with you tonight, but something unbelievably unexpected came up, and it's going to keep me busy for a couple of days. I'd give you more info, but it's all a little Dali-esque and hard to explain. I'll fill you in when I get home. If I get home. Just kidding. I hope. Bye. (She hangs up and pulls out her notepad. An owl hoots in the distance.) [Lane's bedroom.] (Lane is preparing for her date with Zach. She goes out and meets him in the living room.) [Lane's living room.] ZACH: Am I early? LANE: Right on time. ZACH: You look good. LANE: Thanks, so do you. Have I seen those pants? ZACH: I got them from the bottom of my drawer. I forgot I had them. LANE: Cool. So what do you feel like doing? ZACH: We could drive somewhere. We just have to stop for gas... and add some oil, and put some air in the tires, and we'd have to stop by an ATM. LANE: Or we could hang out here. ZACH: Sure. LANE: Yeah. ZACH: Okay! Cool. Let's get a pizza, and watch something, and just hang out. LANE: Great! (She hands him her purse and jacket.) What do you want to watch? ZACH: Want to finish watching what we started last night? LANE: Yeah. Great. (They sit down, and Brian walks in.) BRIAN: Hey, guys. Ooh, Stop Making Sense. Great. (He sits between them.) This is where we left off last night. ZACH: What are you doing? BRIAN: Watching TV. ZACH: Uh, Brian, this is a date. BRIAN: What? ZACH: Lane and I are kind of on a date right now. BRIAN: You are? But this is what we did last night. ZACH: I know. BRIAN: So, last night was a date, too? LANE: That was not a date. ZACH: I was in my underwear. BRIAN: But we did exactly the same thing, you just had no pants. ZACH: Well, we're kind of starting to date, and this is what we're going to do. BRIAN: So, where do I go? LANE: Well, how about my room? BRIAN: Really? You never let me in your room. LANE: Well, now's your chance. BRIAN: Great! ZACH: Wait, hold on. (To Lane.) Shouldn't we leave your room empty? LANE: Why? ZACH: You know, in case the date goes good? LANE: Brian, go in my room. BRIAN: Thanks! (Runs in.) Man, it smells good in here. (Zach turns the movie back on.) [Woods.] (Rory comes out of her tent and sees everyone dressed in turn of the century clothes. She catches up to a couple.) RORY: Hey. Rory Gilmore. Um, this is quite a soiree. Are all the Life and Death Brigade gatherings this elaborate? (They ignore her. She wanders over to a group of guys.) GUY #1: How about (?) social stands? GUY #3: Ridiculous. Total stand-still for all in his vicinity. What do you say? GUY #4: I concur totally. GUY #1: Crazy construct if you think for a bit. GUY #2: Dubious logic if you ask this thoughtful guy. RORY: Hello, everybody. GUY #3: My God. GUY #1: Shocking. GUY #3: Silly girl. Not adjusting to this proud point of ours. GUY #4: Sad, this diminishing vision. RORY: Excuse me? GUY #4: Full count is six, I say? GUY #3: Six, no doubt. Ay, again I concur. GUY #4: Point in fact, daft lady, to catch on would prompt our congratulations. RORY: It's a game? GUY #3: At which you totally fail. GUY #4: You want for instruction? RORY: Apparently. GUY #4: Said gap 'twixt 'd' and 'f' shall not slip from lips in any word this group allows. RORY: Said gap 'twixt 'd' and 'f' ... you're not using the letter 'e'? GUY #4: Said this thing our group did banish. GUY #1: Loud, for all to drink in! GUY #3: Daft girl. RORY: So, no one is supposed to say the letter 'e'. GUY #4: My God, this woman hounds us with this thing I banish. GUY #3: Dumbfound. RORY: Um, I'll catch up with you guys later. Have fun. If that's what you're doing. (She walks away.) GUY #4: Bloody horror, that woman. GUY #1: Ostracism should occur, I think. (Rory wanders through the camp.) RORY: Hi, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: Oh, good, you're using 'e's. No champagne? RORY: No, I'll have a little later. So, is Logan the head of the group? STEPHANIE: There's no head of the group, Rory. We're an anarchy collective, we don't recognize leaders per se. Plus it's a secret. I shouldn't be talking to you. (Hiccups.) Warning sign. RORY: Because the way that people act around him, Logan kind of seems... STEPHANIE: Cute? RORY: No. STEPHANIE: No? RORY: Well, yes, but - STEPHANIE: There's a line to get to him. RORY: Oh, no, I'm not looking to get in a line. I'm a reporter. STEPHANIE: Bet you're a good reporter. And a very good girl. Oh dear, I'm talking to you. I shouldn't be talking to you. I have to kill myself now - excuse me. (She walks away.) (Rory walks up to another group of guys.) RORY: Hi. Hi. Um, I was wondering. Is the safari thing something you always do, or do you choose different themes? GUY: May I quote Max Ernst? RORY: Sure. (The group walks away.) (Later: Rory is sitting under a tree in view of the camp. Logan walks toward her with a lantern and a plate.) LOGAN: How goes it, pariah? RORY: Logan? LOGAN: Word was a bear dragged you off. RORY: No bear, I just wanted a quiet place to collect my thoughts. LOGAN: You found it. RORY: Thanks, I've eaten. LOGAN: Good. This is for me. Sorry you're not getting much from the group. Took a little arm-twisting to get them to agree to let you come in the first place. RORY: I don't need their cooperation. I've already filled two notebooks without their cooperation. Half of one without using the letter 'e', but I could use yours. LOGAN: Way too much salt on this. RORY: I mean, this is pretty incredible, but it's just a preamble to the big stunt tomorrow, right? LOGAN: It's Finn, he's Australian. They like salt. RORY: How do you pay for this? Are there dues, or do you chip in, is there alumni sponsoring it? How is it organized? And what is happening tomorrow? Is it just as big, or bigger? And do people know that you're here? Park Rangers, or the landowner? Where are we? Are we still in Connecticut? And your answer cannot include the word salt. LOGAN: Okay. I think it's time to fill you in on the conditions of you being here. RORY: Okay. LOGAN: First, no pictures. (Holds up her camera.) RORY: Hey! LOGAN: Aw, you'll get it back at the end of the trip. Second, no names. RORY: I'm not exactly being introduced to anyone as it is. LOGAN: Third, no physical descriptions of any of us. There are authority figures up and down Connecticut trying to nab us for things we may have done in the past. Naughty things. RORY: Keep you anonymous. LOGAN: What number am I on? RORY: Just at third. LOGAN: Fourth, no identification of our location. RORY: I don't know where we are. LOGAN: Fifth. RORY: You're going to run out of -ifths. LOGAN: Most important condition of all. You must agree not to interfere with the integrity of the event. RORY: What is the event, and how could I interfere? LOGAN: So you agree? RORY: Yes, I agree. (The camp breaks into song.) RORY: It's pretty. LOGAN: It's drunk. RORY: Well it sounds pretty. I like it. LOGAN: I didn't say I didn't like it. GIRL'S VOICE: Logan? LOGAN: Yeah? GIRL: You coming? LOGAN: I'll be right there. (To Rory) I'll leave the light for you, Ace. I won't need it. GIRL: Hurry up, darling. LOGAN: Here I am. [Lane's house: living room.] ZACH (turning off the TV.): David Byrne is a freak. LANE: I love him. ZACH: He's totally cool. LANE: So. ZACH: So. LANE: This was nice. ZACH: Yeah. LANE: I like your place. ZACH (laughs): Hm, right. LANE: I have to get up early for work tomorrow. ZACH: No problem. LANE: So I should probably... ZACH: Oh, right, right. (They get up, holding hands, he walks her to her door.) LANE: Goodnight Zach. ZACH: Goodnight. (She opens the door, Brian is asleep on her bed.) LANE: Oh, no. ZACH: This is bad news. Once he hits his REM state, Motorhead wouldn't wake him. LANE: What do I do? (Zach goes in and tosses Brian over his shoulder.) LANE: He really is asleep. ZACH: He's gained a couple of pounds, too. (He heads toward the bunk beds, then turns back to Lane.) ZACH: Okay, well, I had a really good time. LANE: Me, too. (They kiss.) LANE: Night, Zach. ZACH: Night, Lane. (She goes into her room.) [Woods: morning.] (Logan walks through the camp in a tux. Rory comes out of her tent.) RORY: Another day, another sartorial surprise. LOGAN: Start getting ready yourself. RORY: I am ready. LOGAN: Dressed like that? RORY: Well, I didn't have the "it's an overnight thing" warning, so unless you want me to fashion something out of pinecones, this is it. LOGAN: That clothing is going to interfere with the integrity of our event and you agreed not to interfere with the integrity of our event. RORY: All I've got is a washbowl, a towel and a toothbrush. LOGAN: Is that all you've got? Look again, Ace. (Rory goes back into the tent and looks around. Under the bed she finds a large white dress box.) [Golf course.] (Luke is waiting nervously. Richard is doing the same. They take a minute to recognize each other.) LUKE: Excuse me, Mr. Gilmore? RICHARD: Luke? LUKE: Yeah, hi. RICHARD: I don't remember you being this tall. LUKE: Sorry. RICHARD: Oh, it's nothing to apologize about. Where are your clubs? LUKE: Oh, I just figured I'd, uh, rent some. RICHARD: Oh, waste of money. Owning's the thing. LUKE: Right. RICHARD: There is no better place than our pro shop. LUKE: Great. RICHARD: Let's go get you some clubs. LUKE: Excellent. [Woods: Outside Rory's tent.] (Logan waits. Rory comes out in a pale blue ball gown.) RORY: I got your event integrity right here, mister. LOGAN: Yep. I got an eye for dress sizes. We go this way. [A field.] LOGAN: Come on, hurry. RORY: You try running in a crinoline. LOGAN: We're late. RORY: For what? The ritual sacrifice? (Everyone is standing, wearing tuxes and gowns, listening to a speech.) EMCEE: I do declare here gathered, one hundred and eighth assembly of the honorable Life and Death Brigade. (Rory and Logan sneak in, Finn hands her a glass of champagne.) RORY: He's using 'e's. EMCEE: Please raise your glasses. In Omnia Paratus! GROUP: In Omnia Paratus! (They turn to their partners and feed each other their champagne.) LOGAN: Now you might want to cover your ears. (A large gong is uncovered behind them.) RORY: Why? (The emcee bangs the gong with a loud "clang". Everyone cheers and runs into the field, LOGAN: And to think some groups just go bowling. (Later: A game of polo. The men are carrying carts which hold the ladies, who are leaning out the side, hitting a ball with mallets. Rory watches from the side. She wanders over to another area, where some guys are playing another game. One jumps off a table sideways onto a landing mat while another shoots at him with a paintball gun.) SHOOTER: Pull! (shoots.) Pull! SPECTATORS: Good shot! Pure skill! RORY: Is this safe? SPECTATORS: No. SHOOTER: Pull! ...Damn. SPECTATORS: Blame the gun. I would. (Rory walks toward Logan and Finn, who are playing the same game further away.) FINN: Pull! Pull! All right, I'm bored. I want to be a target. LOGAN: You're always a target, Finn. FINN: In Omnia Paratus. LOGAN (shooting): You want to interview Finn, Ace, you should do it quick. Pull! RORY: Not bad. LOGAN: Thank you. RORY: So is this your big stunt? LOGAN: Big stunt? RORY: According to my research, you guys always do one big thing at your gatherings. LOGAN: Pull! RORY: Is this it? LOGAN: Does it look like it? RORY: I'm guessing no. LOGAN: You answered your own question. Pull! You'll know it when you see it. RORY: Good. (Two guys walk by carrying Finn on a stretcher.) FINN: I missed the mat. LOGAN: Again? FINN: I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. In Omnia! (He swoons.) (Logan laughs.) [Golf course: Richard is teeing up. He takes a swing.] RICHARD'S CADDY: You're on your game today, Mr. Gilmore. RICHARD: Indeed I am. LUKE'S CADDY: Indeed. LUKE: Indeed. RICHARD: I'm going to speak to the board about these grounds. There are dry spots the length and breadth of this fairway. LUKE: Hm. Oh, I'm up. Okay. Let's see... I think this one is... (His caddy shakes his head) not the one I want at all, but this one here... (Takes the club the caddy hands him) LUKE'S CADDY: Oh, good choice. Let's take the tag off there. LUKE: Good idea. Okay, ball goes down here. RICHARD: Ah. (Luke swings.) LUKE: Aw, damn. RICHARD: No problem. LUKE: It's heading toward the wrong hole. RICHARD: It's just a Mulligan, son. Try it again. LUKE: Golf isn't my thing, you know. It's definitely a thing, but not my game. RICHARD: Well, what is your main hobby? LUKE: Uh... (to caddy) Give me a hobby, quick. LUKE'S CADDY: Uh, reading. LUKE: Reading. I read like crazy. RICHARD: Wonderful! What have you been reading lately? LUKE: Uh, books. You know, this, that. Dick! RICHARD: Dick? LUKE: That Dick guy, science fiction guy, Dick something, something Dick... I just read one of his. RICHARD: Well, I'll bring Dick up on the internet, see what comes up. LUKE: Wish I could remember that name. RICHARD: You better hit your ball, son. We're stacking up. (Waves at the people behind them.) LUKE: Right, yeah. Okay. RICHARD: Just a second, guys, he's, uh, he's new. (Luke swings.) RICHARD: Not to worry, the cart's been dinged a thousand times. LUKE: The guy driving it looked mad. RICHARD: Not to worry. Let's go. (They start to walk.) So, have you put much thought into franchising? LUKE: Franchising? RICHARD: That diner of yours. Now is the time to jump. There are opportunities abounding in real estate right now. LUKE: Eh, well, no, I haven't. RICHARD: I'd concentrate on the eastern seaboard, first. Connecticut, New York, Massachusetts. I'd start with, uh, five to seven. LUKE: Diners? RICHARD: Something manageable. You'll need an investment banker, ah. Just ran into Herb Smith in the clubhouse, best banker in the business, I'll give him your number. LUKE: Good. RICHARD: So, once the first seven are a go, shoot for the moon. National expansion. Set up a public corporation, issue an I.P.O. LUKE: Yeah, sure. An I.P.O. Gotta set up one of those. RICHARD: Have you ever gotten a straight razor shave? LUKE: No. RICHARD: Shaves you close, lasts for days. I'll give you my barber's card. [Camp. Rory is looking up at a huge scaffold that has been set up in the field. Several people are standing on top holding umbrellas. Logan joins her.] LOGAN: Hope you're thinking up superlatives. RORY: What are they going to do? LOGAN: What do you think they're going to do? RORY: They're not going to jump. LOGAN: Jump! RORY: That's like seven stories! They'll die! LOGAN: We're all going to die one day. RORY: But those four are today. LOGAN: Six. RORY: I see four. LOGAN: I'm heading up. RORY: Of course you are. LOGAN: And Finn was supposed to do it, but few of us figured he'd make it this far, so there's an extra space. RORY: Hmm. (Looks up, then sees the way Logan's looking at her.) No! LOGAN: And we're not going to die. No one in the Life and Death Brigade has ever died. Old ones have. RORY: I am not going to jump! SETH: We're all set. LOGAN: This is Seth, he's the genius behind all this. SETH: It's very safe. We did a dozen successful test drops, every potato came through without a scratch. RORY: Potato? LOGAN: You can't test using people, that'd be dangerous! RORY: Look, thanks for the offer, but I'm here as a journalist. An observer. Journalists do not participate. LOGAN: Since when? RORY: Since forever. LOGAN: George Plimpton never participated. RORY: What? LOGAN: His best stuff put him in the think of it. Fighting Sugar Ray Robinson, quarterbacking for the Lions, skating for the Bruins. RORY: So he participated. LOGAN: Bill Buford lived with soccer hooligans in amongst the thugs. Ernie Pyle was so deep in the action in World War II, he was killed by a Japanese sniper, not that you gotta go that far. RORY: Buford, Pyle. I know. LOGAN: Richard Hottelet was four months in a Nazi prison working for the U.P. Hunter Thompson lived with the Hell's Angels. Got in the muck, didn't just orbit around it, and it drove his writing. He put you in those biker's parties. He put you in those biker's heads. RORY: All right, all right, so, those guys participated. I got it, but I - EMCEE: Jumpers to their places, please! LOGAN: You're scared. RORY: Well, yeah! LOGAN: And that stops the greats? RORY: It's stopping this great! LOGAN: Come on, you look like you need a little adventure. RORY: What does that mean? LOGAN: You're just a little sheltered. RORY: Why? Because I haven't spent time in a Nazi prison, been stomped on by hooligans and beat up by Hell's Angels? And Plimpton got banged up pretty good too. LOGAN: It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. (Rory smiles.) Isn't this the point of being young? It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived. RORY: Let's go. LOGAN: Let's go! RORY: But I am not a fan of ladders. LOGAN: They scare the crap out of me, too. (They climb the scaffold.) RORY: High. We are very high. LOGAN: I've been higher. RORY: I meant distance from the ground. LOGAN: That, too. SETH: This is totally safe. And it goes with your outfit. Nice. (He wraps a band around her waist, which a line is connected to.) RORY (pointing down at the crowd): Why do they look so worried? LOGAN: We're low on champagne. You can back out, you know. No one's forcing you. RORY: I know. (She grabs an umbrella.) (The emcee is calling up in Latin.) LOGAN: You trust me? RORY: You jump, I jump, Jack. CROWD: In Omnia Paratus! LOGAN: I really should have confirmed that those potatoes were okay. (He grabs her hand and they jump. The crowd cheers as they land safely.) SETH: Oh, thank God. LOGAN: You did good, Ace! RORY: Once in a lifetime experience! LOGAN: Only if you want it to be. [Dragonfly Inn.] LORELAI: (To customers) All right, thanks. (The phone rings.) Good afternoon, Dragonfly Inn. LUKE: I franchised my place. LORELAI: What? LUKE: The diner. There's going to be seven of them, and that's just on the eastern seaboard. Then, I'm going national. LORELAI: What are you talking about? LUKE: Your father wants to open up a chain of Luke's Diners, and I think I agreed to it. LORELAI: No! LUKE: I've already got a marketing guy, Herb's my banker, your father is taking care of all my insurance needs, and apparently, everyone is going to be able to buy stock! LORELAI: Ugh! My parents, my stupid parents! LUKE: And he wants to shave me. LORELAI: Shave what? LUKE: I don't know, he just kept talking about shaving me, and I'm tipsy. We hit the club bar, and I didn't want to sound dumb and just order a beer because it's nitwit juice, so I had what your dad was having which was whiskey something - more whiskey than something, let me tell you, 'cause I can't even see straight. LORELAI: Aw, you poor thing. LUKE: And I've got an art dealer now. LORELAI: No! LUKE: I'm driving to Manhattan next week to look at some Diebenkorns. What's a Diebenkorn? LORELAI: I don't know. LUKE: Oh, and I bought some golf clubs, they cost the same as a car. LORELAI: Where are you now? LUKE: I'm at the driving range, your dad's making me practice for next time. LORELAI: No! Leave! You do not need to practice. LUKE: Oh, and I sort of implied that I'm fond of the Greeks, so I have to read the Iliad and the Odyssey so we can chat about it, and can we not hang out with your parents for a very long time? LORELAI: For a very long time. LUKE: I mean, I don't hate them. LORELAI: Leave the driving range at once. LUKE: I don't think I can drive. LORELAI: Honey, have some coffee and then come home. LUKE: The Diebenkorn guy is still in there. LORELAI: You stay away from the Diebenkorn guy. LUKE: He's chatting with my rare coin guy. LORELAI: Just do not go back in the clubhouse. Go straight to your car. LUKE: Okay. I like the valet guys. LORELAI: Good, now go. LUKE: I'm going. (She hangs up.) [Elder Gilmore's pool house: at the door.] EMILY: Why would you go golfing with that man? Why on earth? RICHARD: Who, Luke? EMILY: You are encouraging this ridiculous relationship. RICHARD: Emily, please. EMILY: He is not good enough for Lorelai, or to be Rory's stepfather! God forbid! RICHARD: Can we be a little more of a snob, Emily? EMILY: The fact that you paraded him around the club. Our club! RICHARD: It happened to be a fruitful outing. I am going to assist him in franchising his diner. EMILY: Richard! That hurts-out-loud is not capable of running a complex business! RICHARD: Well, that's obvious, Emily! That's why he will have no significant role, he will be the frontman! We'll shave him, stick his picture on the menus. The whole thing will, hopefully, bestow some credibility on him. At least then, if this insane relationship between him and Lorelai continues, we can legitimately take him to places like the club. At least, on holidays. EMILY: This is absurd. You're absurd, the whole thing's absurd. RICHARD: And you're not thinking ahead. Excuse me. (He goes inside.) [Yale dorms; Rory's bedroom.] (Rory is going over her notes when her phone rings.) RORY: Hi. LORELAI: Are you typing? RORY: No. LORELAI: Yes, you are. I thought we agreed you wouldn't type while we talk. RORY: Gotta break the rule just this once, I'm in a rush. It's been a crazy couple of days. LORELAI: Oh, school? RORY: Paper. Long story, I'll fill you in in person. Where are you off to? LORELAI: Luke's! I have to un-stress him after his unhappy Gilmore outing. Dad tried to take over his whole life. He wants to franchise Luke's. RORY: You're kidding. LORELAI: Hey, do men shave anywhere except their faces? RORY: I don't know, I've never lived with a man. LORELAI: Same here. RORY: Well, if he does franchise the diner get him to put one near Yale. I miss those burgers. LORELAI: He's not franchising. RORY: Hey, can I ask you a question? LORELAI: Sure. RORY: Do you think I'm too scared? LORELAI: What? RORY: Too scared, too timid. Do I take enough chances? LORELAI: What kind of chances? RORY: I don't know, life chances. LORELAI: I think you do. RORY: I'm not a mouse? LORELAI: Where is this coming from? RORY: I don't know, just something I've been thinking about lately. (She hears a knocking.) Someone's at the door. Um, say hi to Luke for me. LORELAI: If he's out of comatose. By, honey. RORY: Bye. (She opens the door and finds a gorilla mask, a bottle of champagne and her camera. She looks through the shots on her camera, and sees pictures of her and Logan jumping. She smiles and closes the door.)

Plan: A: Kirk; Q: Who spills the beans about Rory and Luke? A: Emily; Q: Who demands that Lorelai bring Luke to dinner? A: a passive-aggressive Emily; Q: What kind of Emily is Emily? A: Zach; Q: Who announces that he is ready to start dating Lane? A: a cozy first date; Q: What kind of date do Lane and Zach have? A: home; Q: Where do Lane and Zach spend their first date? A: Brian; Q: Who does Zach banish to Lane's bedroom? A: his lesson; Q: What does Luke not learn with Emily? A: Richard; Q: Who invites Luke to go golfing? A: a deaf ear; Q: What do Richard and Luke turn to Lorelai's pleas to cancel? A: the "Life and Death Brigade; Q: What is the name of the secret society that Rory gets a story on? A: Logan; Q: Who encourages Rory to take a risk? A: the event's breathtaking finale; Q: What does Rory participate in? Summary: After Kirk spills the beans that her daughter is dating Luke, Emily demands that Lorelai bring him to dinner so that they can get reacquainted; although Lorelai tries to warn him away, Luke goes anyway and is subjected to an evening of oblique insults from a passive-aggressive Emily; after Zach announces that he's ready to start going out with Lane, they spend a cozy first date at home after banishing Brian to Lane's bedroom; having not learned his lesson with Emily, Luke agrees to accept Richard's invitation to go golfing, and both men turn a deaf ear to Lorelai's pleas to cancel; Rory gets her story on the "Life and Death Brigade" by being blindfolded and whisked away by Logan and his friends to observe the elaborately staged weekend in the woods, and finally, after Logan encourages her to take a risk, to participate in the event's breathtaking finale.

"Baby, It's You" 41st Episode of Roswell Production Code: 2ADA19 [SCENE_BREAK] [Episode begins with one of Maria's chalkboard narratives] Maria: Alex was killed in a car crash, which usually means accident, but the police thought it could be a suicide. Now those of us who knew Alex know that he would never ever do something like that, which is why I went back to the accident and Liz--she went somewhere else entirely. She has decided that Alex was murdered by an alien, which is why now there's this huge rift between Max and Liz. I mean, it's beyond the worst fight they ever had, but I think that Liz will be able to keep pursuing this without any interference from Max because he's a little preoccupied lately. It was just one kiss; a moment of weakness. I doubt it went any further than that... [Scene begins with Max and Tess sleeping in the observatory in each other's arms. Max wakes up and looks down to see Tess sleeping beside him.] Tess: Hey. Max: : Hey. [Tess then starts to sleep again. Later, Max and Tess arrives at her house, unlocking it so no one can wake up. When they come in, Kyle spies on what they're up to.] Tess: I guess I'll see you at school. Max: Yeah. [Max and Tess kiss as Kyle sees the whole thing.] Tess: Is everything ok? Max: Yeah...yeah great. [Then Valenti appears.] Valenti: Where the hell have you...? [Valenti sees Max] Max! Valenti: (to Tess) Go to your room. Tess: Yes, sir. Max: Sheriff... Valenti: Go home, Max. We'll talk about this later. Max: Right. Max leaves and Valenti turns around to see that Kyle was awake. Kyle: Hey, Dad. [Scene switches to Tess' room where Tess is feeling her stomach, realizing that she is pregnant.] Tess: Oh my god. [Opening Credits] [Liz is knocking on Maria's window and Maria opens it.] Maria: Liz, do you know what time it is? Liz: I need to talk to you. [Liz and Maria are in Maria's room going through pictures.] Liz: Alex and his supposed girlfriend Leanna standing in front of some building in Sweden--now the problem is...the building was torn down in 1994. 1994, Maria, think about, Alex was ten. Maria: Ok, I'm so creeped out right now. So who's Leanna then? Liz: You know she could be some girl that Alex never met, put in these photos with him, just like the buildings. Maria: Or she could be an alien killer. So wait, if Alex never went to Sweden and he wasn't here, then where was he? Liz: I don't know, that's what we got to find out. I can't do this by myself. I really need your help. [Isabel is in the Evans kitchen, doing stretching exercises before her jog.] Max: Morning. You-you're going for a run? That must be up to five to six miles by now. [Isabel ignores him more and switches legs to stretch.] Max: Look, I know you're still mad and everything, but uh, I-I really need to uh, to talk to someone. [Isabel then stops her exercises, pulls a chair from the table, slams it down in front of Max, sits and glares at him.] Max: Well, it's not easy to say, but uh, especially to my sister, but uh, you know that Tess and I have been giving a long and kind of cross and last night, we...things...something came up between us...something happened. Isabel: You slept with her?! Max: Yeah. Isabel: Wow. Congratulations, Max. You lost your virginity. [Isabel unenthusiastically applauds.] Max: Is... Isabel: Oh gee, I'm sorry. Were you looking for some sort of comfort or sympathy before you went off and washed her dried sweat from your body? Or hey, did you guys do it in the shower? Max: Forget it. Isabel: His majesty will now retire to his room! Max: We didn't plan it, alright? It just happened. I'm feeling a little weird about it right now and...I'm just hoping... Isabel: You were wrong. I don't care about your morning after anxieties, or your delicate feelings, because my feelings sure as hell don't matter to you! [Isabel stomps off. Then, we see Tess waiting at the front of the school for Max to show up.] Tess: Hey. Max: Hey. Tess: Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something. Max: Oh.. Tess: Yeah. Michael: Yo. Max: (acting hyper) Hey, Michael. [Looks at Tess.] Max: Hey. Michael: Hey? Max: Tess and I were actually just talking. [Max looks at Tess again and nods.] Michael: Alright, later. Max: Great! Michael: Fantastic. [MIchael leaves.] Tess: We can talk about it tonight. Max: Are you sure? Tess: Yeah. There's no rush. [Max and Tess look at Michael, Isabel, and Kyle.] Tess: Max, if it's better for you to keep all this between the two of us right now... Max: No, no it's not. [Max reaches down and takes Tess' hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Tess smiles as they approach Michael, Isabel, and Kyle, passing them.] [Next, we see Isabel, sitting alone at the bleachers at the football field, staring at Alex's memorial, and Kyle appears and sits down next to Isabel.] Kyle: So, how do you feel about this whole Max/Tess development? ISABEL: Well, I'm not speaking to my brother, so if you have something you want to know, you'll have to ask him. God, I hate this place, do you think I have to just sit here and rot for the rest of my life? Kyle: You know what, you aliens are the most pathetic group of people that I ever met. Isabel: Goodbye, Kyle. Kyle: "Oh, we've got to keep our secret safe; we've got to be boring and brooding". If I had one tenth of your power... Isabel: What would you do? Kyle: I'd have fun! [Isabel laughs.] Kyle: You know, fun? Enjoying myself, getting away from this whole doom and gloom thing you guys wallow in, especially you lately. Isabel: Shut up. What's your idea of fun? [Scene shifts as we watch Kyle pulling out an issue of Playboy magazine.] Isabel: I'm not touching that. Kyle: Jody Ann Paterson likes long walks in the rain, unicorns, and funny guys. Isabel: A playmate? Are you serious? Kyle: Oh, man, she's not just some playmate, she's playmate of the whole freakin' year. Isabel: Mmm-hmm. Kyle: All right, are you sure it's going to work? Isabel: Well, it has in the past, but of course that was a life-and-death situation. Kyle: Well, then I'll die happy. Isabel: Oh, good. [Isabel and Kyle touches Jody Ann's picture in the magazine for the dream sequence as we watch Kyle and Isabel exercising with her.] Kyle: Hey, make her dump her water on her top. Isabel: I'm gonna have to read Backlash twice after this! Why don't you just go talk to her? Kyle: I can? Really? Isabel: Yeah. Kyle: This is...what do I say? Isabel: Talk to her about unicorns. Kyle: Hey Jody Ann. Girl: This is a private gym. [Kyle looks around and spots cake. He feeds the girl cake; she licks the leftovers off his fingers.] Girl: Who are you? Kyle: I'm the towel boy. The showers are this way. [Isabel ends the dream.] Isabel: Ohh! Kyle: No! Isabel: Oh, this may comes as a surprise to you, but I really don't need to see that! Kyle: Well, then bring a book, let's go back. Isabel: No dice! Kyle: Oh well that was good for me, what can we do for you? Isabel: Have I mention that I hate my brother? Kyle: We can blow him up. I Sabel: You really have a sick little mind, don't you? Kyle: Isabel, Buddha teaches us that some of us are born with stones and some of us are born with jewels, but the most that fulfilled of us are those who were born with stones and turn them into jewels. Isabel: What the hell are you talking about? Kyle: You wanna get back at your brother, right? Isabel: Yes. Kyle: Ok, then bring your powers to the party and I'll drive. Isabel: All right. [Maria works on a computer to uncover an e-mail Alex sent to her while on his trip to Sweden. At Derek's house, Maria asks to help her uncover the email.] Maria: I uh, I need you to tell me exactly where this email is sent from. DEREK: You're Liz Parker's friend, right? Maria: Maria Deluca, it's really nice to meet you, so... Derek looks at the email carefully. Derek: Um, the origination point has been encrypted. Maria: Obviously, I-I need you to do your computer nerd stuff and figure out exactly where this email came from. Derek: You're asking me to do something illegal. Maria: And... [Meanwhile, Max and Tess are sitting on a bench in a park to talk about the "truth".] Tess: You seem quiet. Max: I'm not. Tess: Max, this just isn't the time to feel you pulling away from me. [Max puts his hand around Tess.] Max: It's just...what happened between us...it has all these...implications. What did you want to say to me before? Tess: Oh, I don't know if it was such a good time. Max: That's ok. Tess: Well, something sort of came up. Max: Came up? Tess: I'm not sure how to say this. I'm pregnant. [Liz is knocking on Valenti's door when Tess greets her.] Tess: Liz. Liz: Hi, Tess. Tess: So, are you here about me and Max? Liz: No, um, I....well, I wanted to talk to you, actually. Tess: Oh, sure. Liz: Um, I just um, you know I have questions about your powers, mind control especially. Tess: What kind of questions? Liz: You know, um, anything that you can tell me, but um, like... Max: Hey, your door's... [He finds Liz with Tess, who he is unhappy to see.] Max: What are you doing here? Liz: Um, nothing, you know, we were just...we're talking, I should go. Max: Talking about what? Liz: Nothing. Tess: Max, you know, it's ok, forget about it. Max: No, I wanna know. Liz: We'll just talk later. Max: No, please don't go on my account. Go ahead and ask your questions. Tess: Max, she's just had a few questions about my powers, that's all. Max: New theory? Liz: I just wanted to know some things about mind control and I thought- Max: Oh, so Tess killed Alex. Is that your theory? Liz: No. Tess: Max, she didn't say that. Max: That's what you're thinking, why don't you just ask it?! Liz: Max, of course that's not what I'm thinking! Max: Tess, did you kill Alex? Tess: Max. Max: What were you doing on the night that he died? Liz: Will you stop it?! Max: Go ahead! what were you doing?! Kyle: She was with me. We were watching Gladiator on video. Max: An alibi. From one of your own. Liz: Can I leave now? Max: Yep. Liz quickly leaves and Max shuts the door. Kyle: Is everything ok? Max: Fine! Tess: Yeah, yeah everything's fine, Kyle. [At Liz's balcony, she's lying on a chair when Maria comes in through the window.] Maria: Liz! Liz! Liz: What? Maria: I was thinking to myself, right. How is it that Alex sent these emails from Sweden when he's isn't actually in Sweden, right? So, I took the emails that he sent me and went to Derek, all right, and he used his nerdness to uncover that the emails were sent from right here in New Mexico. Liz: Are you telling me that Alex never left Roswell? Maria: No, he--he did, he just--he didn't go far. The emails were sent from a dorm room from the University of New Mexico in Las Cruces. [Scene shifts to the next day, Liz and Maria are carrying luggage to go to Las Cruces.] Maria: Got everything? Liz: Hmm-hmm. [As they open the door, Michael is standing in front of them. Maria: Michael.] Michael: Where are you going? Liz: Santa Fe. Michael: What's in Santa Fe? Liz: Uh, Alex's...grandmother, she couldn't make it to the funeral and so they are having a memorial service. Michael: Right. Let me talk to Maria for a second, it's personal. Liz: Ok, sure, uh... Maria: You could take this. Liz: Yes, I'll just be in the car. Maria: Ok. [Liz exits. Michael comes in and closes the door.] Michael: Where are you going? Maria: Santa Fe. Michael: Maria, where are you going? Maria: Michael. Michael: Liz doesn't want us to know because she and Max are at war, so here's the thing: I'm not going to tell Max, but I need to know, because if wherever you're going turns out to be dangerous, I'm sure as hell gonna be there to protect you. So, where are you going? Maria: We're going to Las Cruces, to the University. And if Liz found out that I told you, I will lose her as a friend. Michael: First sign of danger - you contact me. Promise? [Maria nods her head.] Michael: Absolutely promise? Maria: Yes. [Michael kisses Maria and exits.] [Scene switches to school where Max and Michael are lining up for yearbooks.] Max: Liz and Maria aren't in school today. Michael: Yeah, I noticed. Max: Have any idea where they are? Michael: No. Max: I don't have enough to deal with already. [Looking through yearbook pages, Max turns to the page where his picture is located and sees that his class photo has been replaced with a picture of an alien.] Michael: Mine sucks, too. [Max and Michael look at Kyle and Isabel who are watching with giant smirks on their faces.] Michael: So, what else are you dealing with? [Scene shifts to Max and Michael playing basketball.] Max: Just stuff, you know. Michael: Relationship stuff. Max: Well, Tess and I are sort of... Michael: Yeah, I know. Max: The thing is the other night, things between us kind of... advanced. MICHAEL: How far did they advance? Max: I would say they advanced just about as far as possible. MICHAEL: You and Tess actually had... Max: ...Hot alien s*x, yes. Michael: How was it? Max: Well, it's probably a lot like human s*x. Except the point of culmination. Michael: The point of what? Max: You kinda feel like you're floating and this--this hot electric energy courses through your body. Michael: How long does that last? Max: About an hour. The thing is, there's been a complication. MICHAEL: What? Alien herpes? Max: No, nothing like that. Michael: Whoa, clearly, you didn't have any performance problems, and other than getting Tess pregnant, which you're too smart to do, what else could there be? [Max looks at Michael.] Michael: You got Tess pregnant? Holy crap! Max: She says it's growing fast. Nasedo said alien pregnancies take about a month. Michael: What's inside her? I mean, is it human? Is it alien? Max: Well, we can't exactly go get a sonogram. Michael: You're actually going to go through with this? Max: I don't know if I have any choice here. This is out in my hands. I can't tell Tess what to do! Michael: Why not? You're the king. Max: Which makes her the queen. Michael: Maxwell, if this thing comes out green with four fingers and three eyes, that puts a major cramp in our hide-in-plain-sight strategy. Max: So, what are you suggesting? Michael: I'm suggesting you point out to Tess how this could screw up our lives... forever. She's gotta know - this affects all of us! {At the university, Liz and Maria are searching a dorm room which has nothing.] Maria: Probably empty. Liz: Nothing. [They keep searching until a student comes by.] Student: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything? Liz: Uh, yeah, um, actually we are looking for a friend who stayed in this room for a while. Student: Ray. Maria: Ray? Liz: Yes, Ray. Student: He was here for a couple of months; hardly said a word; very weird guy. Maria: Did you see what he was doing here and maybe like why he came in the middle of the semester and all? Student: You don't understand. Ray never left the room. The only time he opened the door was when they delivered his Thai food. Liz: Thai food. Student: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday. Food fetish, if you ask me. Maria: So, wait, you mean he literately never left the dorm? Student: Well, at least not in the daytime. There was this one night I was out partying. I come back pretty late. I saw him coming out of the Litvack building. It's, like, 4:00 in the morning. We're the only 2 people on campus. We're like 5 feet away from each other. The guy doesn't even acknowledge my presence. Pretty creepy. Maria: Yeah, sounds it. Liz: So what's in the Litvack building? Student: Computers. I mean I'm not really into that kind of stuff, but apparently the university has this incredible super computer. [SCENE_BREAK] [Inside the pod chamber, Max and Tess look for information they have about their past lives.] Tess: What are we doing here? Max: This is everything we have from where we come from. [takes out the alien book] This book... if we knew how to read it, it would probably have all the answers for us. Tess: What answers are we looking for? Max: I guess answers about what exactly we're getting ourselves into. Tess, this is my child, too and I fully accept that, but I also want you to know that this is your decision and I will respect whatever you decide... TESS: Max, I'm having this baby. Max: Okay. Max puts the book away and stands up. Tess: Thanks for the support. Max: I said I would stand by you. Tess: Don't sound so excited about it. Max: Hey, my entire life changed overnight and I think I'm entitled to get a little freaked! Tess: And I'm not? Don't you think I'm a little flipped out by this whole... Max: That's not what I meant, I... [ Then Tess starts to feel pain.] Tess: [in pain] Max. Max: What is it? Tess: The baby. [Max pulls up Tess' shirt and sees the red handprint glowing from inside Tess' stomach. Max puts his hand over it as we see Max hyperventilating through what he saw.] Tess: Max? Max: I...saw the baby. It's a boy. [At Las Cruces, Nelly Furtado is about to perform her song "I'm Like A Bird".] Nelly Furtado: Hey Las Cruces, how are you doing tonight? Whoo. [Maria and Liz are walking towards campus.] Liz: We're so close, Maria. We're so close to figuring this all out. Maria: I hope so. [Then Liz and Maria turns towards Nelly Furtado.] Maria: Oh my god, it's Nelly Furtado. Please, one, one song? Liz: Ok, one song. Maria: Ok, ok. [Maria and Liz rushed over to join in the crowd for "just one song", by Nelly Furtado. As Liz looks around in the crowd, she notices Leanna .] Liz: Oh my gosh. Maria, that's her. That's the girl with the blond hair, that's Leanna, that's her. Maria: Wait a minute, no way, no way. [Let's see. Looking at Leanna's picture to make sure. Leanna stares back at them.] Maria: That's totally her. It's the girl from Sweden. What the hell is she doing here? Liz: We have to go talk to her. Maria: N-n-nooo, this is getting too dangerous. We have to call Michael-Liz: She's leaving, we gotta go get her. Come on, come on. [Maria and Liz start to run as they saw Leanna on the street.] Liz: Right there. [They start to chase after Leanna, unfortunately they weren't fast enough when they tried to get across the street. As a bus passes by, Leanna disappeared. Suddenly, a hand grabs Liz's shoulder. It was Michael.] Michael: I wanna know everything. [In school, Kyle and Isabel played another prank on Max. Kyle pulled the fire alarm switch for a fire drill. Everyone got up to get in line. Max gets up and his shoes are stuck onto the floor.] Teacher: OK, everyone, this is a fire drill. You know the procedure... go to the nearest exit in a quietly and orderly fashion. Ok, people, let's keep going, come on, keep moving. This could be for real, keep moving. Moving, people. Care to join us, Max? Kyle: That's a classic. Teacher: Mr. Evans, I do not find this amusing. You can't ever be certain when a fire drill is an actual emergency. Max: I'm coming. [While heading towards the Litvack Computer Sciences building, Liz talks to a professor who can help her.] Liz: So, what exactly so special about these computers, anyway? PROFESSOR: Nothing yet. Right now there just multi-million dollar toys. The greatest potential's in the field of cryptography. In theory, a quantum computer can break just about any code. [Sitting at one of the computers, he attempts to find something.] Professor: Okay, now where getting somewhere. He was definitely trying to decode something; something major. Liz: Is there any way of finding out what he was doing? Professor: Maybe, I'm not sure if we did can penetrate. Liz: Wanna try? Professor: Right. [In the Valenti living room, Max and Tess are sitting on a couch. Max is going through classified ads on apartments.] Tess: What are you doing? Max: I've been thinking. If we're gonna have a baby, maybe we should get a place of our own. Tess: You mean that? Really? Max: I don't know how practical it would be. I don't even know if you want to. Tess: I want to start planning our future. I just wonder if that future is gonna be in Roswell. Max: You want to go somewhere else? Tess: I always thought the ultimate plan was to go home. Our real home. Max: It is. Someday. But we don't know when that's gonna be. I think we had enough to deal with the in here and now. Don't you? Tess: Yeah, you're right. [Back to Liz and the professor. As they watch the computer screen, Maria and Michael knocked on the door to get Liz's attention.] Liz: It'll be back in just one second. [Liz comes out the door.] Maria: We found Leanna. Her real name is Jennifer Coleman. Liz: Yeah, well, I'm onto something, too. You guys shouldn't be here. I'll meet you in the quad. Michael: I got a better idea; we're going back to Roswell. Liz: Did Maria tell you what we found? Michael: Yeah. Liz: And you still don't believe anything's going on? Michael: Forget it. Let's get out of here. The situation isn't safe for you two. Liz: We're too close to the truth. I'm not leaving. [Michael grabs her wrist.] Maria: Liz. Michael: This isn't optional. You're coming back with me. Liz: You can't tell me what to do. Professor: Liz, I found Ray's source material. [Liz goes back to the computer as Michael and Maria follow.] Professor: Pretty strange looking stuff. It's some sort of language. Looks kind of Native American. [As Michael looks at it closely, he received flashes from the time he's seen the symbols are alien.] Michael: Where the hell did this come from? Liz: This is what Alex was working on while he was here. Michael: What was he doing? Professor: Decoding whatever this language is. Michael: Translating it into English. Professor: Exactly. Michael: Was he able to do it? Professor: Well, he deleted all the results. The last day he was here, he created this huge text file. He emailed it to another address: jcoleman(a)ulascruces.edu. Liz: jcoleman. He emailed to Leanna. [Back to Max and Tess. Max is in Tess' room reading the alien book, while Tess is getting drinks.] Tess: You want regular or diet? Max: Regular. Thanks. [Max puts down the book and gets the newspaper. He sees that Tess drew a heart with an arrow through it and written Max underneath. Suddenly, the glasses break and Tess crying out.] Max: Tess? Tess, what is it? Tess: The baby. Something's wrong. [Max puts his hand on her stomach, like a sonogram. He sees the baby wobbling and feeling pain inside. The strain registers his face. Suddenly he falls back, with a sharp intake of breath, with fear.] Tess: Max, what's wrong with him? Max: He's sick. It's the atmosphere. This planet is poisoning him! Our son is dying. [Liz, Michael, and Maria are at Leanna/Jennifer's dorm room, talking to her roommate.] Roommate: I'm sorry. Jennifer isn't here. Michael: Well, do you know when she's gonna be back? Roommate: Probably not for a few days. She had to go home all of a sudden. Liz: All of a sudden? Roommate: Yeah, she got a call this morning, her mom's in the hospital, so she just packed up some stuff and went. Maria: That's just terrible because I know that Jen and her mom are pretty close. Listen, before she went, did she happen to give you notes from physics class she said that I can borrow? Roommate: No, she didn't say anything about it. Liz: Oh, you know, they're probably in her room. You don't mind if we just, you know... Roommate: Well, actually, she just... [Liz and Michael are going through collect mail, etc. and putting it in their pockets, while Maria distracts the roommate.] Maria: Do you remember what hospital her mom's at? I would just love to send some flowers, 'cause I really think the support of others, you know, friends, can really help someone through a hard time. Like, there was this time when my-- my grandfather died. He did, and I was-- I was just so wrecked, I--I couldn't stop crying, and then I received this basket of cookies from--from everybody in my English class, and it just put a smile on my face for the first time in weeks. Liz: Here we go. We got the notes. Maria: Thanks so much. [They all leave without saying anything. Outside the dorm, they are going through her mail.] Liz: So Leanna did see us last night. She knew that we were on to her and she skipped town. Maria: God, who knew we were so intimidating, huh? Michael: Magazine renew notice, credit card application, bank statement, something from Open Sky Property Management. This is a bill for renting a property outside Las Cruces. Maria: I'll drive. [Scene shifts to them driving to the property. They discovered that it doesn't look as it should look. They search around for stuff.] Maria: Guessing not a party pad. Liz: Why would anybody rent this? M Ichael: Because they got something to hide. [They search the place and Liz and Maria discovers a computer in the room off the kitchen and when they went in, it sets off a security device - a glowing, red, pyramid shaped object that started to beep faster and faster, more like to explode.] Maria: Liz! [Michael used his powers to propel it out of the window, just before it explodes.] Liz: Thank you. Michael: Yeah, no problem. [Then they went towards the computer. Liz starts to type up something.] Maria: What was that? Michael: I didn't see anything like that. [On the screen, it shows the alien translation. They print out the translation while Michael finds a small box with a crystal inside that Future Max used to activate the granolith.] Liz: Oh my god. This is it. The translation. It's here. Maria: What is that? Michael: I don't know. [After it's done printing, Liz looks at one of the pages of the translation.] Liz: Michael. [Gives Michael the page Alex's translation of the book.] Maria: All the answers, Michael. Even if Leanna has them now, so do we. [Switches to Tess where she's lying down on her bed and Max cooling her off with a wet towel. She gets up to drink a glass of water.] Max: You slept for a few hours. How are you doing? Tess: Better. Max: You warm enough? Tess: I'm Ok. How it's going with the book? Max: I have no idea how to read it, that's the truth. I thought how I wish what I think I thought. I feel like I'm letting you down. Tess: You're the one person I know I can count on in this world. I have faith in you, Max. I always have. [He smiles at her and kisses her on top of the forehead.] Max: When that happened before - when you fell - I guess I suddenly realized that I could lose you. All this time I thought of you as this person that just would always wait for me - forever. I've been taking you for granted. I'm sorry about that. [At the Crashdown, Kyle comes to Isabel about more pranks on Max.] Kyle: Hey, I'm a guy and I know what freaks guys out. Max wakes up tomorrow - one testicle! Isabel: No thanks. Kyle: What?! What are you talking about? We're in an alien joyride, sister. Sky's the limit.. Isabel: This just isn't making me feel any better. Kyle: Well, can we like dreamwalk Jody Ann again? Isabel: I'm going. Kyle: But what about getting back at Max? Isabel: I'm over Max. Kyle: You know, Buddha teaches that this is... Isabel: Kyle, if you quote that fat, bald man to me one more time, you're gonna wake up, one of these mornings [points to his crotch] ZAP! [That evening at Valenti's, Max is putting out the trash. The can was overflowing and the trash keeps landing on the ground. After picking it up a couple of times, Max' frustration takes over and he starts kicking the cans and throwing the trash around. He then sits on the ground against the wall and starts to cry. Isabel then sees all this and approaches to him.] Isabel: Max? Max: Tess is pregnant. Isabel: What? Max: She's pregnant and the baby's dying because it can't live in this atmosphere. [She's stunned and then sits next to Max.] Max: And...I don't know what to do because I...I'm so scared. And I don't know what to tell Mom and Dad because I...it's like what would I even tell them. They don't know who I really am. I feel so irresponsible, and stupid and...I know this is supposed to happen, because it's our destiny. [holding his head in his hands] Oh my God, what am I gonna do? [Isabel stands up and holds out her hand to Max.] Isabel: Max, come with me. Come on. [He looks up at her like a lost little boy, wipes his tears, and takes her hand. Isabel takes him to a stream at a park and they stand on the bridge over the stream.] Isabel: Do you remember Bigfoot? Max: My guinea pig? Isabel: Yeah. Do you remember what happened? Max: Sure. Mr. Martinelli's dog got into his cage and killed him. Isabel: Do you remember what happened the next day? Max: I don't. [Isabel waves her hand and it begins to snow.] Max: It snowed. Isabel: It was the first time we ever seen it. It snowed for two days. Biggest storm to hit in Roswell in a century. It was a disaster for everyone but us. Max: We built snowmen. Isabel: We made angels. Max: And pelted Michael with snowballs. They both laugh. Isabel: It was magic. Max: Just like this. Isabel: Max, I had no idea what you'd been going through. My problems are really nothing compared to this, so I'm sorry. Max: No, they're not. Your problems aren't nothing. They're important. Your life is important. I'm sorry for not realizing that. Isabel: We'll figure something out. We'll figure something out for you and Tess and your...do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Max: A boy. Isabel: Wow. You're having a son. Max: Yeah, a son. A son! [Isabel hugs him and Michael drives up his motorcycle.] Michael: A little public, isn't it? Isabel: It's a freak storm, you know, who cares? Michael: Not me, I got bigger things to talk about. Maxwell, there's two things I need to tell you. First is, I've been lying to you about Maria, Liz, and the whole investigation. Instead of stopping 'em, I've been helping 'em. Second thing is, it was worth it. [He hands Max the translation and Isabel the rod.] Max: What's this? Michael: It's everything we've been looking for. It's a translation to the book. You know - the book. Isabel: [Shocked] You're kidding! Michael: Not even a little. Isabel: Well what does it say? Max: : It's the way home. We can go home. [Episode ends with Max, Isabel, and Michael standing in the snow.]

Plan: A: Max; Q: Who is hit with a one-two punch? A: Tess; Q: Who is pregnant with Max's son? A: the baby; Q: Who cannot survive unless they return to their home planet? A: Maria; Q: Who helps Liz and Michael unravel the mysterious double life of Alex? A: her powers; Q: What do Isabel and Kyle explore? A: Kyle dreamwalks; Q: Who dreamwalks with a Playmate? Summary: Max is hit with a one-two punch after he discovers that not only is Tess pregnant with his son, but that the baby cannot survive unless they return to their home planet. Liz, Maria, and Michael work together to unravel the mysterious double life of Alex. Isabel and Kyle explore her powers as they play pranks on Max, and Kyle dreamwalks with a Playmate.

MINSK. Night. A limo arrives at a castle and a hooded man gets out of the car. The hood is removed by Mr. Ehrmann to reveal it is Arvin Sloane. EHRMANN: I'd apologize for the method of transport, but I'm sure you understand our need for discretion. SLOANE: And I am not in a position to simply disappear for an extended period of time without raising concern. Some advance warning would have been preferred. EHRMANN: Yes... but then that would spoil all the fun. Inside, Sloane and Ehrmann walk down a stairs in a big hall. EHRMANN: We have some business which requires your immediate attention. But I can assure you, we'll have you back in Los Angeles before your co-workers even realize that you've gone. SLOANE: It's not your timetable that troubles me, Joseph. It's your manners... EHRMANN: Here you are. SLOANE: You're not joining us? EHRMANN: The 12 are waiting for you inside. SLOANE: You're not allowed in that room, are you? Sloane hands him his overcoat, indicating that he considers Ehrmann a lackey now. He enters in a large room where 12 people wait him. A first man comes to him. MAN 1: Mr. SLOANE. It's an honour to meet you. We've been admirers of yours for quite some time. SLOANE: Gentlemen. MAN 1: We'd like to thank you for all the work you've done thus far on our behalf. SLOANE: I'm not certain I have much choice. MAN 2 (old man sitting on a chair) : Not to get into a free will debate right now, Mr. SLOANE, but... you've always had a choice. This is our most recent medical report on your daughter, Nadia. As you're aware, we have the capabilities to restore her health. MAN 1: And we're prepared to do so on a permanent basis, provided of course you complete one final assignment for us. SLOANE: No, I've heard such promises for some time now. Tell me, what guarantees do I have that this is the last you'll require of me? MAN 3: Look around you, Arvin. Would we show you our faces if it were our intention to keep you subservient? You've earned the right to stand in front of us. We have a job for you. You'll keep your eye on the endgame, as you always have. Because the moment this assignment is over, we'll give you back your daughter. SLOANE: What exactly do you want me to do? IN A HIGH SECURITY PRISON. Night. PEYTON arrives with a guard in front of Anna Espinosa's cell. GUARD: This prisoner is one of the most dangerous inmates we have in this facility. We don't leave anyone alone with her. I'm simply concerned for your safety. PEYTON : Well, that's sweet, but something tells me we're gonna get along just fine. Door opens. Anna Espinosa is sited on the floor. PEYTON: Ms. Espinosa, my name's Kelly Peyton. I work for an independent organization interested in retaining your services. ANNA: Get out of my cell. PEYTON: If I'm interrupting your busy schedule of invasive interrogation, I do apologize. This facility you're in doesn't exist on government record. You're being held here without charge, which means you don't exist anymore. I can't imagine that thought's appealing to you. My employer will secure your immediate release, in exchange for which, you will undertake a long-term, deep cover operation for us. ANNA: I told you to get out of my cell... (She stands up et gets to Peyton) which means if you don't take your skinny little ass back down that hallway right now... you won't exist anymore either. PEYTON: I don't think you're understanding me. I'm offering you the chance to get back at the person who put you here. I'm offering you the chance to destroy Sydney Bristow. Anna is now more interested and looks intensely at Peyton. LOS ANGELES. Night. Sydney's home. SYDNEY: (She puts Isabelle in bed) Here you go. (She hears knife noise coming through the kitchen)What are you doing? JACK: They fell when I tried to put them away. Sydney, you do not leave edged weapons within the reach of children. SYDNEY: She's 4 weeks old, dad. JACK: Particularly young Bristow women. SYDNEY: She can't even hold her head up. I think we're safe. Have you contacted your field sources? JACK: Nobody's heard so much as a whisper since Irina disappeared. SYDNEY: We should task Echelon with her known aliases. JACK: We already have. Rest assured, we've engaged our full resources in looking for your mother. SYDNEY: Any news of Prophet Five? JACK: No significant activity in the last few weeks. I don't like it. SYDNEY: Mom dealt Prophet Five a significant blow when she stole the Horizon. If we aren't picking up activity, it's only because they're regrouping, coming up with an alternate plan of attack. JACK: Try to enjoy your time away. Right now you only need to concern yourself with being a mother. As soon as the affairs of the world require your attention, I'll let you know. MINSK. prophet5. SLOANE: I need assurances that Sydney Bristow will not be harmed. MAN1: It's not our intention to kill Miss Bristow, if that's what you're asking. SLOANE: I believe you're overestimating my ability to influence her. Even when agent Bristow thought that I was an honourable man, she rarely did as I directed. MAN1: We're simply asking you to guide her actions a bit. SLOANE: She's on leave, content to stay at home and care for her newborn daughter. I can't task her to re-enter the field and expect her to follow orders. She would need... MAN3: Incentive. I think you'll find, Arvin, it won't be as difficult to get Miss Bristow into the field as you imagine. LOS ANGELES. Night. Raining day. Anna Espinosa arrives in a car, takes an umbrella and rings at a house. Will Tippin opens the door. ANNA: Will Tippin? WILL: Sorry, I think you have the wrong house. ANNA: I'm agent Reeves, witness security, C.I.A. There's been an incident. I'm afraid that your cover may have been compromised. Something's happened to Sydney Bristow. Will: Come in Anna sees that he has lit candles and a bottle of wine. ANNA: Sir, is there anyone else in the house? WILL: I was sort of expecting someone 'un. ANNA: But you're alone now? (Anna then fires a taser at him. As Weill convulses on the floor, Anna phones) All right. I've got him. LOS ANGELES. APO, Briefing room. Jack and Sloane show a security video to Sydney showing that Anna has captured Will. JACK: Will's home security system caught the abduction. SYDNEY Y: When did this happen? SLOANE: Last night. Will missed his standard checking. SYDNEY: Have we identified the assailants? (She sees Anna on the video) JACK: The detention facility reported Anna was still in custody as of yesterday morning. They were surprised too, to learn she's at large. SYDNEY: And we're just going to accept that? SLOANE: No, of course not. Anna's escape, plus her knowledge of Will's location, suggests internal assistance at the highest level JACK: Langley launched a full-scale investigation. SYDNEY: I don't trust anyone else on this. JACK: We've already requested and been granted the authority to go after Tippin ourselves. SLOANE: We're only telling you this because Will is your friend, and we both know you'd want to be informed. We are not asking you to end your leave. We have this under control. You don't need to come back to work. JACK: Anna's involvement is actually a positive for us. SLOANE: She's too well-known in the underworld to disappear outright. We anticipate that she will reveal herself before long. We will find her. SYDNEY: Yes, we will. I appreciate your effort to protect me on this, but as of this moment, I'm back. IN A ROOM. Will is tied to a chair, still unconscious. The doctor who was working with Irina on the freighter enters with a syringe. Dr. BURRIS: Would you mind holding his head steady, please? He should be awake shortly. (He injects a small explosive pellet into the unconscious Will's head.) PEYTON: I'll have Anna make the call. LOS ANGELES. APO. Arvin telephones Sydney that Echelon has intercepted a phone call of Anna talking about having Will. A Russian Mafia lieutenant, Yerik Semanko has Will in Moscow ANNA: I have the subject you requested. I'll give you the location once I receive payment.. YERIK: The Centurion. Midnight. Come alone. SLOANE: Echelon intercepted the phone call an hour ago. Voiceprint matches. It's Anna. SYDNEY: Who's the other man? SLOANE: We believe he's a Russian mafia lieutenant named Yerik Semanko. (Sydney is at home and prepares is suitcase) The Centurion is one of their known fronts. Sydney, you're to infiltrate the club and survey the meet. We'll have a support team on standby to extricate Will as soon as you ascertain his location. SYDNEY: Anna will have 'em on alert. It's doubtful we'll be able to just walk in the front door. SLOANE: We will have an insertion scenario prepared for you. You'll get the necessary optech as soon as you get on the plane. SYDNEY: Got it. (Door bell). I gotta go. The babysitters are here. (She opens the door to see two agents). RANCE: Miss Bristow? I'm agent Rance. This is agent Dalton. Your father sent us. SYDNEY: He speaks very highly of you. RANCE: May we come in? SYDNEY: Sure. RANCE: We've been briefed. You're wheels up in 82 minutes. That doesn't give us much time. (He opens his suitcase which contains baby and security things). SYDNEY: This has all been rather unexpected. RANCE: It's my understanding Isabelle is approaching 5 weeks in age? SYDNEY: Yes. RANCE: I would imagine you have a healthy amount of separation anxiety towards leaving your daughter. SYDNEY: Yeah, I do. Yeah. RANCE: In addition to our field officer training, agent Dalton and I are both fully trained in infant development, including emergency care. If you agree, we'd like to go through the house, baby proof it from top to bottom, socket protectors, safety latches, gates for the stairs, spread spectrum R.F. Detectors, perimeter sensors, explosive sniffers, all the usual stuff. (The baby starts crying) Perhaps now would be a good time to introduce me to Isabelle. SYDNEY: Sometimes she just likes to cry. (She takes Isabelle in her arms) It can take her a while to calm down. You just have to be patient. RANCE: May I? (The baby calms down) I understand your current assignment is short-term? SYDNEY: Yeah, I mean, hopefully she won't even know I've been gone. RANCE: Oh, no. The mother child bond is impossible to replicate, even by agent Dalton and myself. She'll definitely know you're gone. But we'll keep Isabelle safe and secure until you return. SYDNEY: Thank you, agent Rance. RANCE: No need to thank me, ma'am. I'll give you some time to say goodbye. SYDNEY : (Sydney takes Isabelle, kisses her and talks to her) It won't always be like this. I promise. I'm just trying to make the world safer so you can grow up and have a regular life. Someone I love is in trouble. I have to go and help him out. It's my job. Mama's gotta go to work. Syd fires a zip line and slides across the street to the rooftop of the nightclub. She opens a panel to the building's computer and connects a relay to it. Marshall then sends photo identification passes of Tom, Rachel and Marcus to the VIP database. Marcus and then Rachel are admitted into the disco. Seeing a guard near the roof door, Sydney asks for Dixon to make a distraction. Marcus acts like a drunk and gets into a fight. The rooftop guard gets a call to break-up the fight, so Sydney is able to enter the building and head downstairs, entering the disco. Tom then gets admitted from the front too. MO[S]COU. Night. In front of a disco club, Marcus (Rasta man) and Rachel are standing in line waiting to be admitted. Sydney is on a rooftop watching with a high power rifle equipped with a sniper scope. Thomas is standing away from the others and notes that the security is tight and the guests are A-list. SYDNEY (coms): This is Phoenix. I'm in position. Marshall is inside a van. MARSHALL (coms): Copy that, Phoenix. Anna's supposed to meet Semanko in 53 minutes. SYDNEY (coms): Perfect. (Sydney looks the disco club roof with the sniper scope) That should give us plenty of time to I.D. him, wire him for sound. Sidewinder, what's your status? TOM (coms): Security's pretty tight down here, Phoenix. Looks like "A" list only. SYDNEY: I'm on it. (She fires a harpoon with a cable. She gets on the other roof by a Tyrolienne) Marshall, I'm on the roof. MARSHALL (coms): All right. Let me know when you're ready. SYDNEY (coms): (She opens an electric panel and plugs an electronic device for Marshall) Relay's in place. MARSHALL (coms): OK. I'm accessing the network now to get the others into the club. Uploading... One... (Faces of Rachel, Dixon and Tom appear on screen) UPLOADING PHOTO Okay, gang. Dixon goes inside, so does Rachel. MAN: You're on the list. SYDNEY (coms): Got a guard up top, Outrigger. I might need a bit of a distraction. Dixon (coms): Copy that. (Dixon gets involved in a fight) I'll see what I can do. GUARD (to the roof guard): Assistance needed. SYDNEY (coms): All clear, Outrigger. Thank you. TOM (to the entrance man when he sees Dixon): Pathetic. SYDNEY (inside the club - coms): I'm in. Each team member is wearing eyeglasses with hidden cameras for Marshall to scan the guests with RACHEL: Copy. MARSHALL (Looking at the video): Alright. Let's find our boy. MILLIMETER WAVE ONLINE Okay, Millimetre Wave is online. Here we go. TOM (coms): Marshall, I'm in position. MARSHALL: Got it. Sydney? Online. Here we go. All right, guys, Semanko's making a big payment, so... We're looking for someone who's carrying a lot of cash. A Russian man tries to pick up Sydney by offering to buy her a drink. MAN: May I offer you a drink? SYDNEY: Absolutely. MAN: What can I get you? MARSHALL (coms): Okay, Phoenix, I just take a look. This guy looks like he's got a couple hundred dollars worth of rubbles on him. Definitely not Semanko. Moving on. SYDNEY : Seltz water. The doctor says I'm not supposed to have any alcohol... during breast feeding. MAN : Sorry. Excuse-me. MARSHALL : We got dollars. We got euros, We've even got a little Turkish Lira thrown in there but doesn't look like anybody's buying more than a couple drinks tonight. (Marshall IDs through Rachel's camera a man wearing a gun) Wait, hold on, Oracle. That guy who just passed you has a loaded Makarov under his jacket. (Marshall detects he is with two other men) Scratch that. We've got three guys with Makarovs. Three guys. And the guy in the centre looks like he's got about 100000$, cold around his waist. Think we found comrade Semanko. SYDNEY (coms): Sidewinder, do you have a on him? TOM (coms): Northeast corner, near the V.I.P. Section. SYDENY: Got it. I'm on my way. Oracle? Keep him busy. RACHEL (She bumps into Yerik): Please, watch where you're going. YERIK: I'm sorry. You have my apologies. RACHEL: Then... a true gentleman would offer to make it up to me. YERIK: What exactly do you have in mind? TOM (Yerik): Saskia. (Tom comes and gets mad. They get into an argument in Russian and she slaps Thomas). My apologies. My wife she's... a bit of a whore. (Syd walks by and places a tracker on the man's collar). SYDNEY: Tracker's hot. MARSHALL: Copy that. SYDENY: He just headed into the V.I.P room. Check support teams. I want 'em ready to move as soon as we know Will's location. MARSHALL: Copy that. They're on standby. Semanko then goes to the VIP room where he meets with Anna. Sydney looks at them from her position in the club. YERIK: Ms. Espinosa. A pleasure. ANNA: Where's my payment? YERIK: It's all here. Count it if you wish. Where is Tippin? ANNA: Thought I'd make your life easy. You'll find him in room 147. Sydney rushes to the room 147. SYDNEY (coms): Sidewinder, Oracle, do you copy? Will's in the building. TOM (coms with Rachel): Copy that. Right behind you. Sydney gets upstairs. Two guards block Rachel and Tom. GUARD: Would you two come with us, please. Sydney arrives in the room and finds Will is tied to a chair. SYDENY: Are you okay? Anna arrives at the door. WILL: Syd ! He starts to warn her, but Anna comes and punches Syd. ANNA: Hope I'm not interrupting anything. Peyton and the Prophet 5 doctor are watching from a hidden camera and make a biometric scan of Sydney. Dr. BURRIS: How good is your operative? PEYTON: We'll find out soon enough. Anna cuts Sydney's arm with a switchblade knife. Dr. BURRIS: She hit her. Begin data capture. (The doctor order "Begin data capture." There is a tracing isotope on the knife). Anna starts winning the fight and has Sydney pinned to the floor, about to plunge the knife into her. But Will gets free and grabs Anna, wrestling with her. He knees her in the gut, ducks her slash and punches her with a left, right combination. Anna falls against the blinds and falls to the floor. He turns to help Syd. WILL: You okay? SYDNEY: Where'd you learn to do that? WILL: Oh, I've just been taking some Krav Maga classes, you know. Anna grabs a chair. ANNA: Maybe we'll do this again sometime. She escapes by smashing a window with a chair. PEYTON: Do we need to send backup? Dr BURRIS: No, let them go. We have exactly what we need. [SCENE_BREAK] ON A PLANE. SYDNEY: Well, so, did they interrogate you? WILL: When I came to, there were a bunch of people in the room but they didn't say a word to me. They just sort of left me alone. Next thing I know, you're kicking in the door. She got you good. SYDNEY: Oh, it's cosmetic. It'll heal. WILL: Listen, you think it's safe to make a call? I should probably let my fiancée know I'm okay. SYDNEY: Did you just say "fiancée"? WILL: Did I? Oh. I guess I did. SYDNEY: Will! WILL: Do you remember that painter? That I was gonna ask out? SYDNEY: Yeah. WILL: I... I asked her out. SYDNEY: And what, you're getting married? WILL: Yeah. Well, no, not exactly. I was actually planning on asking her last night before Anna interrupted. But I'm pretty sure she's gonna say yes. SYDNEY: Oh, I can't believe this. How can you be marrying a girl I haven't even met yet? WILL: Well, you know, I think the government mandated Isolation might have something to do with it. Sydney, we haven't spoken in, like, two years. What about you? What's been going on? SYDNEY: For starters, I have a daughter. WILL: What? SYDNEY: Yeah, a baby girl. Her name is Isabelle. WILL: Sydney, are you kidding? That's incredible. Who's the father? SYDNEY: Vaughn. WILL: Vaughn, of course. You guys finally ended up together. LOS ANGELES. APO. Will talks with Marshall and Dixon. Behind a window Sydney looks at him with her father. SYDNEY: I hate lying to him. He's my best friend. I can't even tell him the truth. You should've seen Will's face when I told him Vaughn was dead. JACK: Sydney, the only way to ensure Vaughn's safety is to keep his existence a secret. You did the right thing. SYDNEY: That doesn't make it any easier. JACK: Will's abduction only underscores our need for absolute vigilance. We're dealing with a very powerful opponent. SYDNEY: You think Prophet Five had something to do with Will's abduction? JACK: There's no logical reason anyone would abduct Will Tippin... unless they were trying to get to you. PROPHET 5. EHRMANN (phone): Relax. The operation is moving forward as planned, and may I say that you have performed admirably. SLOANE (phone): The agreement was for Nadia's cure. EHRMANN: Yes, once the operation is complete. SLOANE: If I'm to prepare for any unforeseen circumstances, I need to know the full parameter of what you've planned. EHRMANN: All you need to do, Arvin, is task your team accordingly when I give you the signal. SLOANE: And what exactly is the signal? EHRMANN: Believe me, you'll know. A biometric acquisition of Anna Espinosa is performed. The computer screen indicates "Isotope Data Transfer: Complete." Sydney's home. She takes Isabelle out of the cradle in order to present her to Will. SYDNEY: This is Isabelle. WILL: Oh, Syd. Sydney, she's beautiful. SYDNEY: Thank you. RANCE: Ma'am, would you like us to stay on duty for the night? SYDNEY: That won't be necessary. You can go home. WILL: Thank you. RANCE: The surveillance equipment's up. SYDNEY: Thank you. WILL: See you. SYDNEY: (To Will) you want to hold her? WILL: OK. (Isabelle is in her arms) Really? Okay. Hey! Hey. I'm Will. What am I, like an uncle? SYDNEY: Uncle. WILL: Yeah. I'm uncle Will. SYDNEY: Will, we were talking about what happened. We have to assume you were grabbed because someone was trying to hurt me. WILL: Yeah? Well, yeah. I didn't think they wanted me for all the Lakers statistics I have in my head. Right? SYDNEY: No. It's... just... I'm sorry. None of this would have happened if I wasn't in your life. WILL: Syd, stop. Are you kidding me right now? My life is so much better because you're in it. A survey computer shows: ALERT! IDENTIFY DEVICE IMMEDIATELY. The security alarm sounds. WILL: Oh, what... Oh. What... RANCE: (Rance points his pistol at Will) Sir? Hand over the baby. WILL: What? SYDNEY: Agent Rance... RANCE: Ma'am, take the baby from him right now. WILL: Okay, okay. What's going on? Take it easy. What's going on? (They push him against the wall and do a sweep with a metal detector). Hey! Sydney, what's going on? SYDNEY: I don't know. I don't know. They find that Will has an object imbedded in his head. LOS ANGELES. APO. Marshall observes skull scan of will. MARSHALL: Well, it's a sub dermal device placed just below the skull at the brain stem. I've never seen one this small before. It looks like they patched a radio receiver to a powerful micro charge. WILL: So, what? What does that mean? MARSHALL: It means that they... they... put a bomb in your head. WILL: What? MARSHALL: I know. I know. But there's good news. It looks like the charge is small enough that the blast will be localized. WILL: Wait, wait. So it might not kill me. MARSHALL: Oh, no. It'll definitely kill you. There just won't be any collateral damage. SYDNEY: Marshall... How do we get it out of him? MARSHALL: Well, we could perform a surgical procedure, but... I'm worried there's a gyroscopic failsafe. I mean, there is a very real chance that if we try to remove it, Will's head could explode. JACK: Get medical in here. I want a full extraction scenario. WILL: What? No! Didn't you just hear what he said about the exploding? SYDNEY: Will, calm down. WILL: Sydney, how can I calm down? There's a bomb in my head. SYDNEY: Look, don't worry about it. We're gonna get it out of you. Just... Will's cellphone rings which startles everyone. MARSHALL: What is that? WILL: It's my phone. It's just my phone. ("BLOCKED CALLER CALLING"). Am I supposed to answer this? Sydney: Hello? ANNA: Hello, Sydney. Now that I have your attention, I have some demands. (All the team is in another room to listen the conversation) Pay attention, Syd. You are going to need to do exactly as you are told. You have access to the government's Rambaldi archives at the D.S.R. I'd like you to bring me a particular page from his manuscript. SYDNEY: Which one? ANNA: Page 47. I'm sure you're familiar with it. There's a train leaving for Madrid from the Coimbra rail station at 21H00 tomorrow. Be on it. Come alone. Once I have the manuscript page in my possession, I will give you the deactivation codes for the bomb. SYDNEY: Anna, I swear to you... ANNA: Any deviation, Sydney, and I'm afraid I'll have to blow up your friend. Bye now. SLOANE: We have to take her threat seriously. JACK: Marcus, how quickly can you get page 47 from the D.S.R.? DIXON: I can have it within the hour. JACK: Do it. SYDNEY: Of all the Rambaldi artefacts, why would she want page 47? RACHEL: Who's Rambaldi? Later... SLOANE: Milo Rambaldi was a 15th century Visionary with an uncanny ability to predict the future. His designs have prophesied everything from binary code to nuclear weaponry to... RACHEL: is that Sydney? (Looking at the page 47) SYDNEY: Not exactly. There are people that believe that's me. RACHEL: "Mulier hic picturata." "The woman pictured here, the chosen one," "will render the greatest power unto utter desolation." You're "the chosen one"? You people really believe this stuff? DIXON: We've... seen things that give Rambaldi's words weight. WILL: Guys, can we debate this later... after the bomb is out of my head? SYDNEY: What's the harm in giving Anna the page? These are prophecies about things I might do. If I don't do them, they're just words. SLOANE: That's right, Sydney, you have a point. Without you, that page is worthless. DIXON: We're not seriously considering giving into Anna's demands? WILL: yes, we are. SYDNEY: No, we're not. This page will get me close, but there's no guarantee Anna will deactivate you if we give her what she wants. JACK: Marshall, can you hack the detonation frequency? MARSHALL: Well, I mean, she mentioned deactivation codes. The bomb and the detonator are networked I mean, maybe I could build a device that would tap into the communication protocol, reverse engineer the codes, but we would need to get the bomb within range of the detonator in order for it to initialize. JACK: Get started on it. WILL: But... the only thing I understood from that was to get the bomb in range of the detonator? SYDNEY: You ever been to Portugal? LISB[O]NNE. Onboard the Lisbon train, Syd and Will use a French accent as they negotiate with a conductor. CONDUCTOR: I'm sorry. It's simply not possible. WILL: There has been a terrible mistake. Look at me. I would not know how to purchase a coach ticket if I tried. SYDNEY: We demand a first-class cabin at the front of the car. It is away from the commoners. CONDUCTOR: Please, there is nothing I can do. WILL: I simply will not allow my wife my delicate, porcelain lily... to be ogled by the Portuguese wharf mongers. CONDUCTOR: (in Spanish) Take your seat or I will escort you from the train at the next stop. WILL: Does he speak Portuguese to us? SYDNEY: I believe so. It is a dead language. It hurts my ears. WILL: Perhaps our fluent steward speaks Euro. Ahh ! (Will shows him a wad of Euro banknotes as a bribe. The conductor accepts the Euro and leads them to a first class cabin). Along the first class car. WILL (to Conductor): Careful. It's fragile! CONDUCTOR: I hope you find this cabin to your liking. Perfectly adequate. WILL: Thank you. Inside the cabin. SYDNEY: Will, "delicate porcelain lily"? WILL: Leave me alone. I was on a roll. Sydney taps into the train's security monitors for the laptop computer Will is using. WILL: Syd... you know, my girl, she's waiting for me back home, and, uh... so depending on how this all goes down... if, uh, I was... SYDNEY: Will, look at me. You're gonna make it through this. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. WILL: I know that. SYDNEY: Okay. WILL: Wait. What did you think I was asking? SYDNEY: I... was just being supportive in case you thought... you might .. WILL: Die? SYDNEY: It's not important. What were you asking? WILL: I was asking you to be my best man. SYDNEY: Really? WILL: Yeah. Before I realized that you have such little faith in me. You thought I was gonna die? SYDNEY: No, I you want me to be your best man? WILL: Well, I did. Now I'm not so sure. SYDNEY: How would that work, exactly? Would I have to wear a tux? WILL: You don't have to worry about it, 'cause you're not invited. Okay, we're in. They then spot Anna in the dining car SYDNEY: There she is. Now I just have to keep Anna busy long enough to scan the codes. Incidentally, I'd be honoured. WILL: Let's do this. Sydney joins Anna. ANNA: You're early. SYDNEY: I've never been good at following the rules. ANNA: I understand you being so cavalier about your own life, but I'm surprised that you care so little about your friend. WILL (coms): All right, Syd... It's working. ANNA: Tell me, Sydney, what's to keep me from killing Tippin right now? SYDNEY: You've always been a professional, Anna. And I have something you want. ANNA: Not here. Let's find someplace more private. WILL: Okay. So far, so good. Exterior view of the train. Anna and Sydney go to an empty car. WILL (coms): Okay, you're at 38%. Stay close. Syd opens the suitcase and present the manuscript to Anna. ANNA: Not a very flattering likeness. SYDNEY: What I want to know is, why do you want it? We disproved these writings years ago. ANNA: Doesn't really concern me as long as the check clears. Although I must say I have had a lot of fun on this one. SYDNEY: Where is the detonator? ANNA: I don't have it on me. Wait here. Will (coms) : No, she's lying, Syd. We wouldn't be able to run the scanner if she didn't have the detonator on her. SYDNEY: I'm not letting you out of my sight. ANNA: Sydney, you know I don't play by the rules very well either. Wait here. I'm not asking. Will (coms) : No, we're only at 65%. You can't let her leave Syd catches the suitcase and throws it into the Anna's back. They get into a fight while the bomb is seconds for exploding (set time : 47s). WILL: Sydney! Sydney, my head's beeping! Syd defeats Anna and stops the timer. Anna is knocked out. SYDNEY: You still having fun, Anna? You'll never beat me. ANNA: And you still don't understand the game. Anna recovers, gets the suitcase and escapes. She leaves the car, closes the door and kisses the glass to mock Sydney. She sets off a trap. Red fluid is showering Sydney. Syd can't break the glass to get out. She struggles and then passes out. The red liquid evacuates itself at the bottom of the car and fills a container attached under. ANNA (phone): We're collecting her D.N.A... Now. We have begun the process. You should have genetic samples shortly. I understand. There will be no further delays. As Anna is walking down a corridor, Will hits her in the head with a fire extinguisher, then rescues Sydney. WILL: Syd! He breaks the glass window and enters the car to save Sydney. WILL: It's okay. I've got you! SYDNEY: Anna... we have to get her... Anna recovers and restarts the timer and tosses it out of the train. ANNA: I'm right here, Syd. Looks like you have about 30 seconds. SYDNEY: No, Will. Sydney pulls Will out of the train to go after the transmitter. They fall into a river. Will surfaces first and is afraid that the bomb is going to explode. Syd then emerges with the transmitter. She turns it off WILL: Sydney, thank god, Oh, thank god. Thank you... I'm ready to go home LOS ANGELES. Outside parking. Sloane has a covert meeting with Kelly Peyton. SLOANE: Sydney Bristow was not to be harmed. PEYTON: How exactly was Bristow harm? SLOANE: You locked her in a train car, and you sprayed her with a chemical agent. PEYTON: I assume your doctors have given her a thorough examination. Let me guess they couldn't find anything wrong. SLOANE: I need to know what you did to her. PEYTON: No, you don't. All you need to know, Mr. Sloane, is that you've fulfilled your contract with our organization. Congratulations. We've prepared the compound. Inside you'll find the necessary instructions for administering the cure to your daughter. It's all there... everything you need to bring Nadia back. It's been a pleasure doing business with you. MOSCOU, At the Prophet-5 base, inside a laboratory. A container is filled up with a red liquid. We see Anna lying in a wire cage. DR. BURRIS: We've loaded the Bristow D.N.A. Template into the sequencer. Genetic fluid is primed and ready. EHRMANN: Good. How's our subject? ANNA: Ready to get this over with. DR. BURRIS: Vitals are good. The provacillium should be taking effect. I've given you something to help with the pain. If our prior experiences with genetic manipulation serve as an indicator, I'm afraid the narcotics won't be of much help. ANNA: I'm sure I've been through worse. DR. BURRIS: I really don't think you have. Anna is submerged in the red fluid that was showering Syd. She convulses. Burris and Ehrmann are in another room looking at the experience. LOS ANGELES. Syd and Will are walking through a park pushing a baby stoller. SYDNEY: They'll give you a panic button. If anything happens, I'll be at your side in 30 seconds. WILL: Okay. That part sounds pretty cool. SYDNEY: Yeah, we'll keep you safe. WILL: Syd, don't worry about me. SYDNEY: I can't help it. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this, Will. WILL: If you apologize one more time, I'm gonna slap you. Hey, it's not your fault. SYDNEY: It is, actually. The people I love sooner or later, something terrible happens to them. It happens over and over and over. They're kidnapped; they're tortured... or killed... because they know me. I feel like I'm this plague, and everyone I love is infected. I just... I just want you to know how sorry I am for all of it. WILL: Yes, I've been tortured, and I've been kidnapped several times, actually, and most likely, none of that would have happened if I hadn't helped a clumsy girl pick up her books freshman year in bio class. But it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for the evils of the world. Look, since I've known you, I've seen a lot of horrible things. There are people out there that are capable of more cruelty and more hatred that I even thought possible. But I still sleep well at night. You know why? Because I know that you're out there fighting against them. Sydney, you save the world every day, and you never ask for anything in return. I think I speak for everybody who loves you... when I say thank you for watching over us. SYDNEY: But if you'd never met me, you'd have a regular life. WILL: Who wants it? I wouldn't trade you for anything. I know a lot of regular people who live regular lives. There's only one Sydney Bristow. MOSCOU, At the Prophet-5 base, we see the wire cage being lifted out. Anna has been made into a genetic double of Sydney.

Plan: A: One month; Q: How long after the baby is born does Sydney take off from work? A: work; Q: What is Sydney taking time off from? A: Kelly Peyton; Q: Who arranges for Anna Espinosa to be released from prison? A: Anna Espinosa; Q: Who is Sydney's old enemy? A: kidnap; Q: What does Anna do to Will? A: the Witness Protection Program; Q: What program is Will still in? A: The kidnapping; Q: What is the ruse to draw Sydney away from her sabbatical? A: a ruse; Q: What is the kidnapping of Will Tippin? A: Anna and Sydney fight; Q: Who does Sydney fight? A: a small amount; Q: How much blood does Anna draw from Sydney? A: APO; Q: What is the name of the organization that Sydney works for? A: Prophet Five; Q: Who implanted a bomb in Will's head? A: a miniature bomb; Q: What did Prophet Five implant in Will's skull? A: a baggage car; Q: Where does Anna lock Sydney? A: an unknown chemical agent; Q: What was Sydney sprayed with? A: Sloane; Q: Who is introduced to the leaders of Prophet Five? A: Nadia; Q: Who does Sloane need to save? A: Project Helix; Q: What is the name of the protocol that Anna undergoes? A: Sydney Bristow; Q: Who is Anna Espinosa a genetic duplicate of? Summary: One month after the baby is born, Sydney is taking time off from work. Meanwhile, Kelly Peyton arranges for Anna Espinosa, Sydney's old enemy, to be released from prison and kidnap Will Tippin, who is still in the Witness Protection Program. The kidnapping is a ruse to draw Sydney away from her sabbatical. During the rescue, Anna and Sydney fight and Anna draws a small amount of blood from Sydney during the melee and escapes. APO discovers that Prophet Five implanted a miniature bomb at the base of Will's skull, which is set to explode if Sydney does not deliver Page 47, a Rambaldi artifact, to Anna aboard a train in Portugal. Accompanied by Will, Sydney attempts to defuse the bomb and stop Anna from getting away with Page 47. During the subsequent battle, Anna locks Sydney in a baggage car where is she sprayed by an unknown chemical agent. She is rescued by Will, but in order to prevent the bomb in his head from exploding, Anna has to be allowed to escape. Sloane is introduced to the leaders of Prophet Five who require him to undertake one last mission before they give him the cure for Nadia. As the episode concludes, Anna undergoes a version of the Project Helix protocol, emerging as a genetic duplicate of Sydney Bristow.

Scene: The stairwell Sheldon: And here's another interesting weather fact. Penny: Another? Great. Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer. Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere. Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you're going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store. Penny: You know, I will miss this. Sheldon: I'll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we'll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard's return as criticism of the job you've been doing in his absence. Penny: I won't. Sheldon: That criticism will come later in your report card. Penny: Yeah, I didn't stay for the detention, I'm not gonna read the report card. Leonard (in Penny's apartment): Hello. Penny (screams): Leonard! Hi! Leonard: Keep your voice down. Penny: Oh, my God. You weren't supposed to be here till Sunday. Leonard: We finished the experiment early, so I thought I'd come home and surprise you. Penny: Oh, my gosh, why are we whispering? Leonard: I didn't tell Sheldon, so we could have a few days alone. Penny: Oh, that is so romantic. Leonard: Uh, sure, that's why I did it. Penny: Oh, I just cannot believe you're here. Sheldon (off): Penny, it's your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys. Credits sequence. Scene: The comic book store. Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something. Stuart: Happy to, unless it's hope or a reason to live. Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he's been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate. Stuart: Okay, well, I don't know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue. Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn't a gag gift, Stuart. Stuart: Yeah, just as well. It's a pretty rare piece. I'd rather just sell it to a real collector. Sheldon: I'm a real collector. How rare is it? Stuart: Oh, I shouldn't even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun? Sheldon: Don't try and trick me into buying something I don't want. Now let's talk Aquaman. Howard: What were they thinking, putting Doctor Octopus's mind in Spider-Man's body? Raj: Well, I've been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spider-Man with all the body-switching shenanigans of Freaky Friday. Both versions, original and Lohan. Howard: Both versions: original and Lohan. You're an idiot. Raj: Hey, what's your problem? Howard: I'm sorry, I've been kind of snippy lately. It's probably this stupid diet I'm on. Raj: Why are you on a diet? Howard: I've put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men's section. Raj: Well, we've all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost. Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That's my final offer. Stuart: All right, Sheldon, you win. I'm sure Leonard is gonna love this. Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun. Stuart: Ooh, yeah, I don't know. This squirt gun, it's, uh, it's pretty rare. Sheldon: Oh. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: And this is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat. Penny: Ah. Leonard: And, oh, that's me getting rescued after I fell in. Penny: Oh. (Knock on door) Oh, that's the pizza. Leonard: Yep. Here's some money. Penny: Thank you. Leonard: And I'm gonna hit the head. That's what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee. Penny: Hey. Pizza guy: Twenty-two fifty. Penny: Okay, here's, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change. Pizza guy: Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs. Penny: Oh. Okay. Well, here's, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won't call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana. Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you've ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. Penny: That's nice. Sheldon: Oh, that's a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns. Penny: Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so... Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport. Penny: Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night! Sheldon: What, now, do you have company? Penny: No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet's been doing that. I called the building manager, so... Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it. Penny: Well... Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet. Penny: Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it's okay. You don't have to go into the bathroom. Sheldon: That's curious. If there's no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table? Penny: Oh. Well, you know, I, I've got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem. Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question. Penny: Oh. Sheldon: That's odd. Penny: Um, what? Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can. Penny: So? That's my dinner from last night. Sheldon: What's odd is they're in the trash can. Penny: Okay. Look, honey, I promise there's no one's here. I've had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself. Sheldon: Oh, very well. I'm no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh! Penny: What? Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet? Penny: No. Sheldon: Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun? Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: Hi, honey. Howard: Hey. Bernadette: I made some brownies. You want one? Howard: You're kidding, right? I mean, you know I'm trying to lose weight. God, I thought we were partners in this marriage. Bernadette: We are. Stop it. And for the last time, you're not fat. Howard: Really? Tell that to the bathroom scale, 'cause one of you is lying. Bernadette: Fine, forget I asked. How was dinner at your mom's? Howard: Awful. I had to rub her ointment all over her again. Bernadette: Why can't she do it? Howard: 'Cause we've got a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which reminds me, do you think you can get any samples of this from work? This was supposed to last her a month, but they didn't take into account the square footage of her back. Bernadette: Let me see. How long have you been putting this on her? Howard: I don't know. Few weeks. Why? Bernadette: This is really strong oestrogen cream. Please tell me you've been wearing gloves. Howard: Like these swollen sausages could fit in gloves. Bernadette: Howie, the oestrogen's getting absorbed by your skin. That's why you've been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass. Howard: You're full of oestrogen and you don't act like that. Bernadette: That's 'cause I'm a woman. I've had years of practice riding the dragon. Howard: Fine. I'll wear gloves next time. Bernadette: It's still gonna take a few weeks for the hormones to leave your system. Howard: I feel so stupid. And fat. Bernadette: It's okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don't we go in the bedroom and I'll prove it to you? Howard: s*x? Really? I mean, that's just your solution to everything. Scene: The apartment. Amy: Oh, and here's a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you're not even listening to the rules of my made-up language. Sheldon: Yes, I am. Amy: Then what does tweepadock mean? Sheldon: Uh, elephant? Amy: Lucky guess. Sheldon: I'm sorry. I'm just distracted by something that happened over at Penny's. Amy: What happened? Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard. Amy: What? Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard's lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions. Amy: I don't think Penny would cheat on Leonard. Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It's a small leap from there to sexual infidelity. Amy: You're being ridiculous. Sheldon: Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can. Amy: Poor Leonard. Scene: Sheldon and Amy listening at Penny's door. Amy: Do you hear anything? Sheldon: I hear a woman's voice. Amy: Is it Penny? Sheldon: No, it's you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing. Amy: Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like. Sheldon: There's kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants. Amy: Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard. Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that's it. I'm catching her in the act. (Unlocks door) Amy: No, Sheldon, don't. Sheldon: Aha. Penny: What the hell? Sheldon: Leonard? Penny: Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that. Sheldon: Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again? Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: I'm sorry, Sheldon. I should've told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny. Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you. Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month. Sheldon: Oh, no, no, let's not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying. Penny: No, he doesn't. Leonard: I actually have used those exact words before. In that order. Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it's high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room. Leonard: The what? Sheldon: Amy? Amy: Please leave me out of this. Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there's no need for you to pretend to like me anymore. Leonard: Come on, I said I was sorry. Sheldon: No, no, you save your apologies for after you've had disappointing coitus with Penny. Penny: It was fine. Leonard: Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It's that sailor cap that you wanted. It's neat, huh? Sheldon: You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir? Leonard: I don't. I really don't. Just try it on. Oh, yeah. Amy: Hello, sailor. Penny: Ooh, now we're talking. Sheldon: Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I'm wearing this year. Amy, you're going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard: Thanks for coming over. Raj: No problem. Ooh, you made little sandwiches. Howard: Yeah, that's cucumber and cream cheese. That's turkey and loganberry. And don't tell my hips, but I'm warming up a brie in the oven. Raj: Nice. So, mmm. What's up? Howard: Okay, well, I've been reading up on all the side effects you can get from oestrogen, and, I need you to be honest with me. Do my boobs look bigger to you? Raj: Well, it's kind of hard to tell. Howard: Come on, Raj, it's a yes or no question. Raj: I'm not sure. Um, wait. Jump up and down, let's see if they jiggle. Uh, no, I, I still can't tell, uh, oh, you know what? Okay, uh, give me some of this. Howard: Seriously? Raj: Do you want my help or not? Howard: Fine. Raj: Okay, yup. See, see, that, that looks like, that looks like they could be bigger. But you know, I bet, I bet when I do it, mine do the same thing. Howard: Yeah, they kind of do. Raj: Hmm. Uh, let me see something. (Grabs his boob) Howard: Hey, easy, my nipples are sensitive. Raj: Oh. Sorry, sorry, uh, okay. (Grabs boob again. Behind them, Bernadette walks in) I mean, yeah, maybe. Howard: Okay, let me feel. No, I am definitely up a cup size. Raj: You know, but, but they're very firm, so you've got that going for you. Howard: You think? Raj: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very perky. Howard: Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie's ready. Raj: Yay. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Good morning. Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me? Sheldon: I'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work. Leonard: Where do you think I would take you? Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you'd be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know, I'll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me. Leonard: I'm going to work. You can come if you want. Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt. Leonard: No, I don't. Sheldon: Hurts, doesn't it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you've ever told me is true. Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank, I'm in hell. Sheldon: You say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you? Leonard: Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren't? Sheldon: All right, I'll give you that one. Leonard: Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me? Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong. Leonard: Fine. What I did was wrong. Sheldon: I wish I could believe you. Leonard: You know what? I'm not driving you to work, because you're incredibly annoying. Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight. Leonard: Stop it. Sheldon: Keep it up? Leonard: Bye. Sheldon: Hello. So I guess you're really holding up the other four fingers? Scene: The stairwell. Penny: Oh, hey, what are you doing here so early? Amy: Driving Sheldon to work. Penny: He's still mad at Leonard, huh? Amy: Well, he's mad at you, too. He says you're the succubus who led his friend astray. Penny: I don't know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can't be good. Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here. Penny: Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: You don't get a hey. You get a hmm. Penny: Come on, don't be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months. Sheldon: You're right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating. Penny: Sheldon. Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now? Amy: Sheldon, your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do... Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy. Amy: Really? Sheldon: Yes. You're either with me or against me. Amy: You want to take the bus to work? Sheldon: Maybe there's a third option. Amy: FYI, I had a doughnut for breakfast, you jerk. Scene: The cafeteria. Leonard: So now we're just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising. Howard: That's so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation... Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here. Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas. Leonard: You know what? You're a crazy person. Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army. Howard: Stop it. Sheldon: Or a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes. Howard: I said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren't just friends. You're best friends. And that's a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he's so mad at you? It's 'cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it. Raj: A little loud, dude. Howard: So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we're here together? Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: I suppose so. Howard: Thank you. Raj: Uh, it wasn't anything weird. It was just to see how big they were. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures. Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights. Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again. Sheldon: And I'm glad you and I are friends again, too. Penny: Aw. Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it. Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil. Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it. Raj: Uh, can I just say, I've missed all of us hanging out together. Sheldon: Yeah. Penny: Me, too. Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer? Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left. Leonard: And no one told me? Howard (crying): Can't believe we forgot to tell him. Penny (handing Howard the Vagisil coupon): Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who surprises Penny by arriving back early? A: Sheldon; Q: Who does Leonard ask Penny to keep his return a secret from? A: the act; Q: What does Sheldon want to catch Penny in? A: Howard's help; Q: Who helps Sheldon and Leonard reconcile? A: his mother; Q: Who does Howard apply estrogen ointment to? A: gloves; Q: What did Howard not wear when applying ointment to his mother? A: Bernadette; Q: Who is shocked by Raj's comment? A: the gang; Q: Who is having dinner at Leonard's apartment? A: women; Q: Who does Raj say he can talk to without alcohol? A: alcohol; Q: What does Leonard notice Raj can do without consuming? A: North Sea; Q: Where did Raj go on his expedition? Summary: Leonard surprises Penny by arriving back early and hiding in her apartment. He asks her to keep it a secret from Sheldon, so they can spend some time alone. Sheldon suspects that Penny is cheating on Leonard when he finds clear signs that someone else is in her apartment. Bursting into Penny's place to catch her in the act, he and Amy find Leonard there. Sheldon gets mad at Leonard for not telling him he is home, and refuses to believe anything he says, though with Howard's help they eventually reconcile. Meanwhile, Howard experiences weight gain and mood swings; he had applied estrogen ointment to his mother without gloves, so absorbing it through his skin. Raj reassures him in a way that's just too intimate, shocking Bernadette. While the gang is having dinner at their apartment, Leonard notices that Raj can talk to women without consuming alcohol. They reveal that this happened after he left for the North Sea expedition.

Narrator: America's top ghost hunters relive their most extreme assignments. This house is beyond haunted. Narrator: Hardened veterans of the paranormal, these are the cases that truly tested them. There was a evil presence in that house. Oh (bleep) What the hell? I got goose bumps. Right here. Narrator: In new York, an investigator battles a demonic entity intent on harming his own son. Whatever it was was targeting Joey. Narrator: In Ohio, a ghost from the past returns to tear a family apart. There was a violent spirit there. Wow. That thing's going crazy. Narrator: And in an old Colorado jail, investigators are stalked by a dangerous doppleganger. How did you get in here? Richard: That's very, very frightening. It becomes very personal in that moment. Narrator: Joe Cetrone and his family have lived in upstate new York for five years. Joe: So we're just a regular family. My son, Joey, uh, typical 10-year-old, great boy. Um, you know, he just... Really good-natured, quiet kid. Joey: I'm a fairly happy individual. My family seemed pretty normal, pretty average. Narrator: Joe works for a phone company. But what he does in his spare time is anything but normal. I've been investigating the paranormal since 2001. Narrator: Joe Cetrone is a veteran ghost hunter who specializes in dark and demonic hauntings. What I had learned is that the supernatural realm is real. And what we do here in this world alters what happens in the afterlife. And when you do various cases, especially ones that are frightening, you never stop to consider the reality and the dangers of what's lurking in the shadows. During all the years of my paranormal research, I never stopped to consider that my family would be the target. Narrator: In October 2007, Joe is called away to investigate a haunting out of state. Joe: I had a big case in Connecticut. Right off the bat, I -- I started saying that there's something going on. The feeling that I got, there was a darker energy that was hovering around us. We were filming video. And all of the sudden, it just kind of -- Just started jumping. There was static. Narrator: The video crashes at 8:44 P.M. At the same time, 200 miles away in Endicott, new York, Joe's son Joey is taking out the trash. I remember going out to the porch to throw something away. And there was a black figure the shape of a human but the absence of color. It was just black. I was frightened, petrified, actually. It sent chills down my spine. A kind of fear that I don't think I've ever felt before. It was just fear. Narrator: Joey's mother is out, only his grandmother is home. Ran inside to tell nana and immediately, she called my dad. Joe: She tells me that Joey has seen what appears to be a shadow figure. I could hear it in her voice. She was concerned. But she also had to kind of keep everything together, to keep Joey, um, not so scared. My first instinct was to leave. But the investigator in me and -- and helping people, and that's what this is really all about is helping somebody. I couldn't just abandon the case that I was in. I told my mom to just talk to him, calm him down, let him know everything's gonna be okay. Joey: He said, "all right. Hang tight. We will finish up what we got to do here and I'll be back as soon as I can." When I tried to go to bed that night, it was very difficult. I remember keeping the light on and tossing and turning. Narrator: Eventually, Joey manages to fall asleep... But not for long. He's woken by strange sounds. There was a doll figure on the table. And all of a sudden, it just went across the room. Nana! Nana looked at me. And she said, "was that you? Did you bang... Did you..." I said, "no." Oh, my god. Are you all right? are you all right? We then looked in the door and realized that that nick had not been there. It's physical now. It's -- it's real. I was, again, petrified, just fear of the unknown and no answers. Joe: I received another phone call from my mom. So we go from the shadow person... To the doll. It was just too coincidental that it had to be all linked together. I felt that whatever it was was targeting Joey as a direct attack against me for the case that I was doing. I'm on my way. Narrator: Fearing for his son's safety, Joe returns home. Anytime a spirit can move an object, it shows me the power and energy that that spirit has. It takes some power to pick that up and toss it across the room and, above all, leaving a mark. It was pretty -- pretty shocking to me because it was -- it was a deep nick. Whatever it was knew that I wasn't there. And it was targeting Joey. (Screams) When my dad came home that day, I was very, very comforted and very excited and hoped that he would have an answer and a solution. Joe: He seemed relieved that I was there. And, uh, kind of gave him a little hug. And, uh, you know, I can see that my wife's relieved that I was there. Whether it was my family or not, I still had to treat it like a case. Narrator: When Joe tries to sense the entity that has been tormenting his son, he gets a surprising result. Typically, if I feel any sensations of spirit activity, my spider senses will start tingling. But in this case, I didn't feel anything at all. It was pretty warm and inviting. But, you know, I wanted everybody to feel a little bit safe, so we prayed. In the name of the father, son, the holy spirit. After that, nothing really happened. Our father who art in heaven... Narrator: To Joe's great relief, family life returns to normal...For a while. Joe: Few weeks after the incident, my mom wanted to go visit her mom. And, uh, she wanted to take Joey. And I thought that was a perfect opportunity for Joey to get away. Narrator: It's also a chance for Joe to spend more time with his wife. So I says, "listen, we got this case coming up. It's nothing dangerous. It doesn't seem like it is. It's probably just a preliminary thing. Would you like to go?" She says, "yeah, I'll go." Narrator: The case is in a town 30 miles away. The family here is concerned about strange noises in the house. The thing about my wife, she's more of the sceptic. So if I presented her evidence, she would counteract it and say, "yeah, but that could be this. That could be that." I told my wife, "put the headphones on. If you hear anything unusual, just let me know." Is there anyone here with us? Maybe 10 minutes later... Can you tell us your name? ...She takes the headphones off. She says, "I think it just said my name." What? what is it? It just said my name. So I put the headphones on, rewind that part. And all of a sudden, this voice comes over. And it says, "Debbie." And it was at that point I started to draw conclusions that it might be more of an evil-natured spirit. (Cellphone rings) I received a phone call from my mom. And she was frantic. Joey's had an accident. Something attacked Joey. Narrator: In Endicott, new York, the son of paranormal investigator Joe Cetrone is being targeted by a powerful entity. Now Joe has just got news that his son has been violently attacked. Joe: Something attacked Joey. And I was like blown away. I -- I -- I didn't even know what to say. I had no answers. Narrator: Away on a trip with his grandmother, Joey had felt safe. Joey: We were sitting down in the living room. I'm looking at the TV. And nana's sitting directly behind me. And I felt a -- a pressure in my chest, just a very unsettling feeling. And right then, it was as if something had hit me in the face with enough force to send me back. Joey? Joey? Joe: Whatever it was, it had -- It had to have powerful energy because it -- It sent him across the room. Joey: When I finally got to my feet, I had realized that there was a scratch across my face. It was a mark going from here to here and then another one from here to halfway. Why me? I had no other train of thought. It was simply that, "why -- why us? Why me?" Narrator: Joey immediately returns home and into the worried arms of his parents. I was totally shocked. When things happen, a child gets hurt or attacked by something or in a fight, you could either do something about it or you can call the police or whatever you needed to do to help that person. But when it's something you can't see, how do you explain that? Who do you go to? You can't just go tell the officials, "hey, you know, something attacked my son. But I can't tell you who it was." I do remember his confusion as to why, why his family, why his son? Just looking for answers. Narrator: Joe consults another investigator for advice. Joe: I had spoken to a demonologist in the area. He said, "well, Joe, what did you really expect? You've involved yourself with darker cases. Did you not think you were gonna get some sort of repercussion for doing it?" And I -- and I realize at that point that my son and my family were that backlash. It just said my name. Narrator: Joe suspects the revenge attacks on Joey are the work of demonic entities from his last two cases. I had believed and still believe that there were spirits who were very upset that we were there. And I think spirits did attach themselves and follow me back. And I believe that they stood there lurking in the midst, waiting for an opportunity to frighten me, to discourage me, to deter me away from what I felt my calling was. Narrator: Joe knows what he must do to protect his son from further attacks. Joe: You know, I never thought that I would be doing a cleansing in my own home. But we did. I -- I made sure we went around the house. We prayed. Thou shalt not be... We blessed. ...Afraid of the terror by night. We cleansed the house. After Joey was attacked, I started to realize the severity and the realism of messing around with forces that are beyond our comprehension. What I was doing was, uh, causing more harm than it was doing good, at that point. Narrator: Despite the cleanse, Joe is so worried about further attacks that he makes some major life changes. I decided that selling the house and -- And moving and starting new is something we needed to do. Narrator: Joe even puts on hold his paranormal investigations. Joe: I took about 16 months off. After taking that break, I decided to deal with investigations in a different way and keep myself a little bit more protected. Narrator: The changes seem to have worked. I'm fortunate and I'm blessed that nothing has happened to my family, paranormal, supernaturally, um, ever since -- After the incident with Joey. So I've been fortunate. Joey: I was very comforted just knowing that whatever was targeting my family and myself was now gone 'cause I knew that -- that the power of good would override the power of evil. Narrator: Still to come, when the spirits lurking in an old jail start to toy with a group of ghost hunters, not everything is as it first appears. How did you get in here? I just saw you standing outside. But first, an evil spirit terrorizes a woman in her sleep and tears a family apart. Lima, Ohio. The Howell family moves in to their dream home. Shortly after moving in, Sylvia overhears her daughter talking to someone. Girl: There's a lot of nice things in the house and...Yeah. I do miss all my friends and my old school. But I can always call them. Sweetie, who are you talking to? My friend over there. Which friend? There's nobody else in the room. Where do you see someone? Right there. There's nobody there. Narrator: But this is no imaginary friend. The little girl would see a full-body apparition of a child. She'd be talking to it and laughing. It's almost like they were having a full conversation. Narrator: Worried that her child may be in danger, Sylvia contacts paranormal investigator Karlo Zuzic. Karlo is a leading member of the Ohio researchers of banded spirits with nearly 10 years of ghost-hunting experience. You know, we want answers. That's why we come and help families. We want to protect them. Narrator: Karlo's motivation to help others comes from the experiences he had as a child. Growing up in Cleveland, um, there was a entity in my home and used to torment me. You know, it was really hard talking to anybody about that. I tried to tell my parents, they didn't believe me. I didn't have anybody to turn to. So I wanted to be that person for others and help them. Narrator: When Karlo hears the story, he suspects the family could be in grave danger. I wanted to get out there immediately and help them. My first thought was the child spirit could be demonic. Narrator: Karlo brings along co-investigator Amy Cobb as backup. My primary goal was for us to come in and to rid the house of the spirits and give her some peace. Karlo: We decide to go upstairs. We wanted to see if we could actually draw out this little child's spirit and see if we could communicate with her. Narrator: Karlo decides to set a trap. Karlo: The teddy bear was a trigger object that we brought to see if we could draw the spirit to this. The spirit, especially a child spirit, is gonna be familiar with that. So we actually placed the EMF detector inside. EMF detector stands for electronic magnetic field tester. And what it does, it picks up energy. Anything that comes close, any mass that comes close to this teddy bear will make it go off, and it will light up. Karlo: And we also placed another teddy bear on a landing just to have two to see if it would actually activate either one. So we figured between the stairs and the little child's room, maybe I could actually physically see this spirit manifest. Karlo: We brought a gift for you. Narrator: Karlo tries to make contact with the spirit of the little girl. Can you come out and -- And touch the teddy bear for us? We're not here to hurt you. You could hear, like, a kid, maybe like humming or something like that, maybe singing or humming. And you could hear little footsteps. The next thing you know, we hear this buzzing sound on the landing. That's the teddy bear. We run over to the staircase. And, you know, we're videotaping the bear and asking questions. Wow. Dude, that thing's going crazy. Amy: I'm telling ya, I'm just getting -- still getting k2 hits setting on those steps. Karlo: We brought that teddy bear on many investigations and nothing's ever triggered it like that. Are you interested in that toy now? You like that, don't ya? And all of a sudden, after this incident, the other teddy bear in the bedroom goes off. Karlo: So we ran over there and sure enough, this teddy bear's lighting up, it's buzzing. And it's just like the whole household is in havoc. [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: In Lima, Ohio, Sylvia Howell suspects her daughter's imaginary friend is something more sinister. Paranormal investigator Karlo Zuzic is using sensor-equipped teddy bears... We brought a gift for you. ...To draw out the spirit of a mysterious little girl. Something has triggered the teddy on the stairs. Dude, that thing's going crazy. And now the teddy in the girl's room is going off. And it's just like the whole household is in havoc. And then we tried to communicate with that child. We're like, "do you like that teddy bear? Go ahead, touch it." And as soon as it touched it, you could -- you could hear it go flatline. It was just like, "beep," you know. You could tell there was a presence there. It's okay. You can play with the bear. That's why we brought it. It's for you. And then it just stopped. That was that. It just ended. Just completely stopped. I believe that child got frightened because we were trying to reach out to it and then just backed away. Narrator: From his interaction with the spirit girl, Karlo believes she does not pose a threat. She was a harmless spirit, which the family could've learned to live with. My job was done. Narrator: Or so Karlo thinks. Soon after he and his team leave, new and more sinister things start to disturb the family. They hear dragging sounds in the dining room area followed by a mumbling male voice. (Indistinct voice) A broken cupboard door, normally held closed with tape, is suddenly ripped open. They begin to suspect the little girl ghost is not the only entity in the house. Sure enough, an apparition of an old man appears. (Screams) But that's not the worst of it. (Gasps) Karlo: She'd wake up with scratches on her leg. She would have bruises on her leg. And the husband wasn't there. She was actually alone. So it wasn't, like, her husband doing it or anything like that. It was something else causing this to happen. My reaction was, there was definitely an evil presence in that house. The spirit of the old man was pure evil. Someone told 'em, "that's the previous owner." He was a violent man. He drank a lot. He would beat his wife. You carry that energy with you when you pass away. This guy was the same way in life as he is in death. He's abusing this woman. It's targeting her for a reason. You know, a negative presence, it tears you apart piece by piece. It does cause havoc in a household. Life is hard enough as it is than to have spirits come into your house and take over. Narrator: Terrified, the family called Karlo back, this time to remove something much darker and more violent. I was on guard immediately. Soon as I walked in, I was on guard because I felt negativity. I knew there was a violent spirit there. I don't want to get hurt either. I'm here to help this family. The next thing you know, I'm the one getting hurt. So, you know, you're always watching. You could feel that negative presence there. You just felt kind of surrounded by, I would say, like, a blanket of darkness. Narrator: Karlo heads upstairs towards the master bedroom. I was asking, "who's here?" And, you know, I didn't get a response. So I just held up my camera. The second I did that, this cold feeling, like, half my body was just frozen. I mean, it's almost like you were just in a -- a freezer. I've never had a feeling like that before. I knew I was not alone in that room. And, you know, backing out, you could still feel that pressure and that cold backing you out of there, telling you, "get outta here." Was that a warning? possibly, you know? I mean, the spirit was, you know, abusing the wife. It could, you know, take advantage of me also and hurt me. Narrator: Karlo decides to check his camera. Karlo: I pulled up these pictures. And I noticed this dark, black mass. Narrator: A black mass appears to be moving around the master bedroom. A black mass could form into a human, like a shadow-man type. This thing had its own movement. You could see it move and then move back in. I think it's some sort of dark energy that's in that location because I actually felt this presence. Now I'm actually looking at it. And when I seen that, it just gave me the chills. Narrator: Karlo attempts to make contact. Why are you trying to hurt this family? We're trying to do anything we can to draw the spirit out. Why do you want to hurt this woman? Leave their child alone. We're going through a series of questions trying to get a response. And it was almost like it didn't even want to respond to us. You know, I think it was satisfied, you know, scaring me to get out of its room. Next thing you know, I hear footsteps like something's coming at me, you know, like it's running at me. And I'm like, "whoa, what the hell is that?" Ah! Narrator: A violent spirit has attacked a woman as she sleeps. Now it's coming after paranormal investigator Karlo Zuzic. Karlo: Something's coming at me, you know, like it's running at me. And I'm like, "whoa, what the hell is that?" Ah! As I was about ready to get up, I hear, "woosh." That door just got ripped open. And you could hear the tape being ripped apart. And this door's just swinging. I'm like, "are you kidding me?" I mean, it was something I had never seen before. I had never seen anything like that. How could a spirit rip that door open like that? We just validated what this family is experiencing. There was definitely an evil presence in that house. The spirit of the old man made my skin crawl. With the evidence that we collected, I do believe that family was in danger. We did tell them that negativity will split a family apart. You know, we need to do a cleansing and blessing of this house. They said, "yes, you know, we want that. We want this thing gone." Narrator: Karlo's team sets about cleansing the house. In the name of Jesus, I take authority. If there's a strong evil presence there, it's gonna fight. Ah! our father... You're telling someone to leave its place. ...Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. So now you're in spiritual warfare. They're gonna stand their ground. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I was worried that something may happen to us during that blessing. I bind all demonic forces. We won with our cleansing and blessing and moved it on. I feel confident. You know, the family felt fine afterward. To me, there was two presence there. You had an evil. And then you had the good. My belief is that the spirit child is probably communicating with them. It's probably trying to help them. It's almost that child came to them and protected them from this evil presence that was in this house. Narrator: Although the evil is gone, the emotional scars take their toll on the family. I was hoping they would still stay together, but they did end up separating at the end. A negative presence being in a home will separate a family. A lot of our cases, you hear this. You know, families are torn apart by negative energy that's in that house. Narrator: Hauntings and attacks by ghostly entities are terrifying and potentially harmful to those enduring them. And occasionally, paranormal investigators have an encounter that could prove fatal. 100 miles south of Denver, Colorado, lies the small gold rush town of Cripple Creek. Like all wild west towns, the local jail held violent outlaws and bloodthirsty desperados. Members of butch Cassidy's notorious gang are said to have been imprisoned here. Now a museum, multiple witnesses report the jail is alive with terrifying paranormal activity. Lights switch on and off for no reason. Mysterious voices echo from empty cells. Hello? Apparitions stalk the hallways, frightening away staff and visitors. Richard: Jails are very, very high on the list of haunted places. And so paranormal activity occurs. And when that activity manifests, nice things rarely happen. Narrator: Seeking answers, the museum calls in seasoned paranormal investigator Richard Estep. Richard is the founder of the boulder county paranormal research society. Over my two decades' worth of investigations, I've learned that 90% of claims of the paranormal have no grounding. But the 10% that do really make up for it. Historical places, in my experience, seem to have an energy all their own. You have this melting pot of, essentially, hatred and bitterness and anger, frustration, rage, all of it coming together. How is that not going to leave a mark on the environment? How is that not going to alter the nature of that place? Narrator: Richard and his team decide to spend a night investigating the jail. They begin in the most active part -- the cells. Richard: Walking on to the cell block, the atmosphere itself becomes very oppressive and very heavy. You can almost sense the weight of years that have been expended inside that building by people locked in for, sometimes, decades. Narrator: On Richard's team is U.S. Air Force veteran and gear specialist Shaun Crusha. Cripple creek had violence throughout it -- its history. They would hold multiple, uh, prisoners in that same cell, up to potentially six within that very, very small, confined location. Richard: We are looking at people who have committed murders, theft, rape and various other heinous crimes. Had to have just been hideous. You've got a lot of negative emotion brewing for years within this fairly enclosed space. And I think that is what contributes to the activity at the cripple creek jail. The first thing I wanted to do was establish a baseline. I wanted to know if there were any high levels of electromagnetic energy. I wanted to know how the temperature was going to be. Narrator: Katelyn Kenan, another member of the team, looks for cold spots that can indicate the presence of a ghost. Richard: I wanted to also know if there were any areas that might reflect light in a certain way that might fool us. Shining flashlights around a little bit, see how the beams reflect. And once that's done, all the necessary groundwork has been laid, then we decided that we would spend a little bit of time in the cells. Narrator: Each investigator heads into a different cell while a fourth plays the role of a warden. Shaun: You (bleep) (Bleep) Narrator: They hope this will provoke a response from the spirits of former prisoners. I'm the one who tells people what to do. He would belligerently say that it was his rules, his way. It was his building. Uh, he was the top dog. What the hell, man? And he was making a very good performance of it. I tell everybody what to do! In trying to elicit a response, it may not be always a good response. Narrator: The method may be unusual, but it works. He seemed to do a great job of stirring up the energies and activity within the place. That was what he'd set out to do. What the hell do you think you're doing here? Then, we began to hear voices. I could feel my heart rate going up. Narrator: In an old jail museum in Colorado, unexplained events have terrorized the staff at night. Now, seasoned ghost hunter Richard Estep and his team are experiencing the activity for themselves. Shaun: What the hell do you think you're doing here? We wanted to stir up the energies and activity within the place. So we're in the cramped, claustrophobic confines of these cells. And you're hearing whispered, hushed voices speaking to us. It's kind of like a raspy male voice. It definitely was trying to get our attention. But the voice, itself, didn't have any specific, um, words to it. Richard: The voices, they appear to be in the cell with you. And they're always indistinct. And they're always on the edge of your hearing. Very much like this. Shaun: I called Richard over. I said, "Richard, you need to come over here, uh, because there's something definitely interesting I'm hearing." Richard: And on several occasions, it seemed to be as though they were actually in the cell with us, whispering from over our shoulder. It was quite disconcerting, to tell you the truth. And these voices, they continue all around us. But then, we heard some downstairs. Narrator: The whispers lead them into an old interrogation room. But then, the voices stop, leaving just an eerie silence. Richard: Suddenly, we heard a noise. (Gasps) It sounded to me like a human being breathing their last gasp. It sounded as though, actually, somebody had taken a blade to somebody's throat and had slit it. (Gasps) On multiple voice recorders, you've got this strangled last gasp. And that has a very gut-wrenching reaction on you. That really reaches in and grab you. You get a chill. You're going, "am I -- am I needing to fight something or am I needing to run?" It made me wonder how many people have had their throat cut in that prison over the years. And were we hearing the residual sounds of that being played back to us naturally through the atmosphere? (Gasps) Narrator: To find out who they heard being murdered, Richard and Katelyn hope to make contact with the entities in the cells. Meanwhile, Shaun picks up more equipment from the team's van. But as he heads back, he runs into a familiar face. I looked over to, uh, my right. And I noted, uh, what I thought was Richard. Narrator: It looks exactly like Richard standing in the hallway. I was actually inside the cell with my back against the far wall. Shaun came walking along, entered the cell and saw me and did a double take. How did you get in here? I just saw you standing outside. Narrator: There's no way Richard could've got to the cell before Shaun without Shaun noticing. Shaun: I was in shock at that point. I just saw what I thought was you just around that corner. It was a little unnerving. I said, "Shaun, what do you mean? it's a jail cell. I've been in here for a while, mate." He went as white as a sheet and looked at me and said, "I saw you standing out there, Richard. It was you. I looked you in the eye and saw you." Narrator: In an old Colorado jail, frightening events are unfolding. Investigators are confronted with chilling sounds of murder. (Gasps) Richard: It sounded as though somebody had taken a blade to somebody's throat and had slit it. Narrator: And now an entity has taken on the form of lead investigator Richard Estep. Shaun saw me and did a double take. He's like, "no, no, no, no. You were just standing out there." "I saw you." It looked like Richard. And it looked very solid. And it took me a second to go, "wow, that was incredible." It's not as though he could've mistaken somebody else for me because it was deserted. It was abandoned. Cameras covering the doors, uh, and the interior of the cells proving that there was nobody who went in and went out. Narrator: Richard has a terrifying realization. What Shaun saw in the hallway was a spirit that had taken on Richard's appearance. Rare and dangerous, it is a doppleganger. That's going to put a shiver down the spine of -- Of anybody, I don't care who you are. It's genuinely chilling. Why would a spirit want to imitate me? Narrator: There are stories of dopplegangers, doubles of a living person luring friends and family to their doom. I could tell there was some energy, strange things going on. Put yourself in my shoes for just a minute and think about what that would be like, if somebody walked in here now dressed identically to you with your face. It's a threat of the weirdest, most unusual manner. It's one thing to know that you have the spirits of these prisoners all around you. But when it's something that looks like you and takes your form, that's very, very frightening. Seeing a doppleganger or a body double of an individual is extremely rare. There was rumors of different things that happen when you see it. The saying is that, if you meet your own doppleganger, you die. Narrator: With such serious potential consequences, the team decides to leave in a hurry. Shaun: Just, like, in the military, we have to have each others' backs. This was, uh, one of the most frightening investigations we had had. Richard: It's one of the longest drives home I've ever had from a case just because I'm constantly looking in that rearview mirror wondering if I'm bringing home anyone with me. As an investigator, uh, I try to learn as much as I can about, uh, anything that goes on in the field. So I would love to investigate that location again. You would definitely, uh, find me eager to return to the cripple creek jail to investigate for another night. But there's no amount of money you could give me to do it alone.

Plan: A: New York; Q: Where does the investigator battle a demonic entity? A: his own son; Q: Who is the investigator trying to protect? A: a child's imaginary friend; Q: What is revealed to be something much darker in Ohio? A: an old Colorado jail; Q: Where are investigators stalked by a dangerous doppelgänger? Summary: In New York, an investigator battles a demonic entity intent on harming his own son. In Ohio, a child's imaginary friend is revealed to be something much darker and in an old Colorado jail, investigators are stalked by a dangerous doppelgänger.

THE MASTADON IN THE ROOM TEASER (Flashback to the Airport ending scene from The End in the Beginning. SWEETS hugs DAISY, CAM hugs BRENNAN, HODGINS gives BRENNAN the list of insects, ANGELA hugs BRENNAN. BOOTH and BRENNAN holding hands) BOOTH: One year from today we meet at the reflecting pool, on the mall. BRENNAN: I know. (Close-up of their hands separating. Fade to white, then in bold black capital letters) Seven months later (Federal Coroner's Lab, Washington D.C. CAM is looking at a case file stating the victim is of unknown identity, age, race etc, then at the remains of a child on the morgue table. She sighs) (Cut to Kakwari, Northern Maluku Province, Indonesia. DAISY and BRENNAN are walking through the jungle back to their car) DAISY: Day 213, found nothing. BRENNAN: Well, three months ago we found an onyx bead. DAISY: No offense, Dr Brennan, but what we're looking for is evidence of early man, not jewelry that's barely 200 years old. (DAISY sees a snake at the back of the car and screams. BRENNAN calmly and carefully drags it out of the car) BRENNAN: I find it interesting that I'm only afraid of snakes when Booth is around to be jumped upon. (Cut to Quryah, Helmand Province, Afghanistan. BOOTH and some soldiers are hiding behind a car while another SOLDIER is talking to a native woman. When he finishes, they all jog across the street to meet him, hiding behind a wall) SOLDIER: She says 2 insurgents, 5 minutes ago, went to kidnap child of NATO interpreter. BOOTH: We're gonna allow that? (They all smile) BOOTH: Uh, Just like we trained boys, a hundred times, all right? (under his breath) Right... (BOOTH dashes towards the house that is their target, the soldiers following him. One of them drops a grenade in the house, then they all burst in, shooting some armed Muslims inside) (Cut to CNB Studios, Washington D.C. A JOURNALIST is looking over her notes. Cue to CAROLINE and CAM, backstage) CAROLINE: You think you're here to talk about brain damage in veterans. (CAM is seated, putting some final touches to her make-up) CAM: That's because I'm here to talk about brain damage in veterans. CAROLINE: All she's gonna want to talk about is that missing child! CAM: (she sighs) I have nothing to say about Logan Bartlett. CAROLINE: That's the problem! CAM: I have been up all night, going over forensic anthropology and entomology reports. I can't confirm the identity of the child in my morgue. CAROLINE: Which is the excuse the Justice Department will use to fire you! CAM: I'm good at my job, Caroline, they're not gonna fire me. CAROLINE: Cherie, you are brilliant at your job but you do not understand politics. (CAM stands up and they both walk towards the talk show's studio) CAROLINE: What they want is for you to shut up about brain damage in veterans! (Cut to BRENNAN and DAISY in Kakwari, Maluku) BRENNAN: If I can't fix this carburetor we're in trouble. (DAISY notices some armed native men) DAISY: I think we might be in trouble anyway. Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: This is a very delicate situation... If I were you, I'd swallow that engagement ring right now. (DAISY swallows the ring) BRENNAN: Those young mean are Alifuru. An Alifuru man's worth is measured by how many daughters he has, not sons, which indicates that they venerate women... We have to show them that we're women! DAISY: Ok. (BRENNAN takes of her hat, shakes her hair, puts on a flirty smile) DAISY: (off-camera) What if these are evil, rapist Alifurus? BRENNAN: (shaking her hair) Well, in that case, when they get close enough you'll take the little one and I'll get the other two - (she turns back and sees DAISY in her underwear) why are you in your underwear? DAISY: You said look like a woman. Should I take off more? (Cut to BOOTH in Quryah, Afghanistan) (BOOTH is looking around some old houses, he spots the two insurgents dragging a little boy away while his MOTHER begs them in Arab.) BOOTH: (to the MOTHER) Stay back! Stay back! (One of the two insurgents notices him and starts raising his gun but BOOTH shoots him. The other insurgent raises the child in front of his chest and starts walking backwards) BOOTH: Put the boy down! (The insurgent puts his gun on the child's temple and keeps walking backwards) BOOTH: Put the boy down! Don't pretend you don't understand what I'm talking about! Put the boy down or I'll shoot you now! (A soldier has crept behind the insurgent and puts his gun on the insurgent's temple. The insurgent lets the child go and his MOTHER hugs him, crying.) MOTHER: Thank you! Thank you! (The insurgent put his hands behind his head and BOOTH takes his gun) MOTHER: This would not have happened if his father was here, where he's supposed to be; instead of out fighting someone else's war. (BOOTH stares at her while she's leaving with the child. His phone starts beeping) BOOTH: Booth. (Cut to CNB Studios, D.C., and CAROLINE) CAROLINE: You need to come home right away! BOOTH: Kinda involved here (Cut to BOOTH in Afghanistan) training Afghanis. What's the rush? (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C.) CAROLINE: Cam's gonna lose her job and her reputation if you don't do your white knight routine. (Cut to BOOTH in Afghanistan) BOOTH: Why Cam, she's the best coroner in town. (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C.) CAROLINE: That's right! Now saddle up, sir Galahad, get yourself back and convince the powers that be. (Cue to the JOURNALIST and CAM, getting on air for the talk show) JOURNALIST: Today I have with me in the studio Dr Camille Saroyan, the Federal Medical Examiner for DC and the environs. Dr Saroyan has an exemplary record, winning several citations along the way. It's an honor to meet you, Dr Saroyan. CAM: Thank you. Glad to be here. (Cut to BRENNAN and DAISY in Maluku. BRENNAN is fighting with the armed men, using a shovel. DAISY is watching, gesturing and grimacing. BRENNAN knocks out the last one of them) DAISY: Oh! ... I think I did a pretty amazing job of distracting them. BRENNAN: Try to start the truck, Daisy, there could be more. (BRENNAN starts fixing the engine while DAISY sits on the driver's seat. BRENNAN's phone rings) BRENNAN: Brennan. (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C., backstage) CAROLINE: Cherie, I know you're out there looking for the origins of humanity, but you need to get home (Cut to BRENNAN in Maluku) right now! BRENNAN: Why? (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C.) CAROLINE: Because you left Cam all alone and if you don't come back she's gonna lose everything! (Cue to the JOURNALIST and CAM) JOURNALIST: With all that success behind you, why are you stalled on the Logan Bartlett case? (CAM is speechless) CAROLINE: Booth is coming, everyone is coming, but we need you, because you are the smartest. (Cut to BRENNAN, in Maluku) BRENNAN: That's true, I am the smartest. (BRENNAN hungs up and closes the engine lid. DAISY starts the engine. BRENNAN gets on the car) BRENNAN: Daisy, we have to get home. (BRENNAN and DAISY drive away) (Cut to DC, night view of Capitol Hill and Washington Monument. Cut to BOOTH descending the stairs to the reflecting pool, at the Mall. Cut to BRENNAN wandering, looking around. She turns and sees him seconds after he sees her, they smile at each other, approach each other) BOOTH: Hi... (BOOTH and BRENNAN hug. BOOTH pulls away, they smile awkwardly at each other) [OPENING CREDITS] ACT 1 (We see an excerpt of CAM's interview on a screen) CAM: In the last 8 months, I've performed autopsies on six veterans; four fought in Iraq, two in Afghanistan. All six show signs of brain damage consistent with improvised explosive devices. (Zoom-out to the FBI conference room) JOURNALIST: Dr Saroyan, why haven't you identified the remains of the child currently on your slab? CAM: My slab? (We see the "real" CAM, sitting at the round table) CAM: Oh, that's not ethical! CAROLINE: They've started a search for a new Federal Medical Examiner. CAM: Caroline, I'm very good at my job! CAROLINE: Yes, you are very good, but that's not the issue. They're mad at you for causing a fuss, and they're looking at an excuse to fire you. That child is their excuse. You said your entomologist and anthropologist are no good, right? What if I told you I got you the best? Plus a cop who will help you, not blame you? CAM: The best anthropologist is in Indonesia, the best cop is in Afghanistan and the best entomologist is in France! CAROLINE: I got 'em all coming back. CAM: How'd you do that? (CAROLINE starts dialing a number on her cellphone) CAROLINE: Same way I'm gonna get you a tame psychologist. (CAM is dumbfounded) (Cut to a restaurant. We hear someone play the piano, then a sign that reads "For your listening enjoyment, the piano stylings of LANCE SWEETS". Cue to SWEETS playing the piano. His cell phone rings. He picks it up and resumes playing) SWEETS: Talk to me. (Cut to CAROLINE at the FBI) CAROLINE: That is no way for an adult holding a PhD in psychology to answer the telephone! (Cut to SWEETS) SWEETS: Ms Julian. I'm on sabbatical. (Cut to CAROLINE at the FBI) CAROLINE: Doing what, installing elevators? Because I can hear the music. (Cut to SWEETS) SWEETS: Rethinking my life priorities. What's wrong? (Cut to CAROLINE) CAROLINE: Booth is on his way back from Afghanistan and I hear he has major post-traumatic stress syndrome. (Cut to SWEETS) SWEETS: 'Nuff said, uh, I'll get myself reactivated immediately. (He hungs up) (Cut to CAROLINE and CAM at the FBI. CAROLINE hungs up. CAM looks miserable) (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN sitting on the stairs, at the Mall. BRENNAN is holding a photo of BOOTH with his Army buddies in Afghanistan) BRENNAN: So...was it dangerous in Afghanistan? BOOTH: Nah...what I did was mostly administrative. BRENNAN: Because you seem really very heavily armed in this photograph. BOOTH: What about you? Any headhunters or cannibals? BRENNAN: Daisy and I were attacked by some armed guerillas but I... I beat them up and... we got away. BOOTH: You beat up armed guerillas? BRENNAN: I had to! You weren't there to save me! BOOTH: Aww... Bones! So, did you meet anyone special? BRENNAN: You mean, did I have s*x with anyone. BOOTH: I missed that about you, you know? You just cut right to the chase; yeah. BRENNAN: I was working... BOOTH: Hmm. BRENNAN: So there was no time or inclination for s*x or... romance. How about you? BOOTH: Yeah... I'll show you. Hannah. She's a journalist, war correspondent. BRENNAN: Ho-how did you meet? BOOTH: Oh, I arrested her for being in a restricted area. BRENNAN: You-you arrested me, once. BOOTH: I remember. BRENNAN: Where's Hannah now? BOOTH: She's in Iraq. BRENNAN: Well- Is it serious between you two? BOOTH: Serious as a heart attack. BRENNAN: Heart attacks are very serious. BOOTH: Yes they are, very serious. BRENNAN: So... I- I- I find that I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. BOOTH: Right. Whoa-hoa-whoa, Bones, where are you going? BRENNAN: To the lab! BOOTH: Cam's not there anymore. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Didn't you stay in touch with anyone while you were gone? BRENNAN: No. My only contact with the outside world was a satellite phone; and it was only for emergencies. BOOTH: Good to know it wasn't just me, huh? So, this way, FBI? BRENNAN: (quietly) Okay. (Cut to the FBI conference room. SWEETS, HODGINS, ANGELA, BRENNAN, CAM, BOOTH and CAROLINE are all there. CAM is hugging BRENNAN) CAROLINE: The reason we're here is... People.... The reason we're here... Hello? (She finally gets their attention) CAROLINE: Cam here has decided to launch a jihad. SWEETS: Wow, "jihad" - talk about loaded terminology! CAROLINE: Far far above us on the food chain, someone with a cold heart has decided that Cam must be silenced. HODGINS: I'm totally impressed. BOOTH: Wait wait, what jihad? CAM: Brain damage in veterans. CAROLINE: The point is, the easiest way to shut Cam up is to fire her, for cause. Tell them. CAM: (she sighs) Three months ago a 2-year-old boy, Logan Bartlett, disappears; stolen in the middle of the night from his mother's house. CAROLINE: Kidnapped child... The media jumped on it big time, blew it up huge. HODGINS: Do you believe this is Logan Bartlett? CAM: The media does, and they're saying I'm incompetent because I won't confirm or deny. CAROLINE: Incompetence is grounds for dismissal. BRENNAN: Well, the size is right for a 2-year-old. The sternum is crushed, that's a possible cause of death. CAM: The bug guy says insect activity indicates that the time of death was between six and twelve weeks ago. BOOTH: So, useless timeframe. CAM: Yeah; the bug guy is not Hodgins. In fact, nobody is any of you. BRENNAN: That didn't make sense. CAROLINE: So, our goal here is, you people tuck in like the old days, make Cam look competent, so we keep us the best federal coroner we ever had. CAM: I had no idea you thought that. BOOTH: I'm in. But first thing in the morning I gotta have breakfast with Parker and then I'll go find the missing kid's parents, to see if I can get any information off them. Alright? ANGELA: We're in. HODGINS: Absolutely. See you in the lab tomorrow. CAM: Thank you, guys. ANGELA: Yeah. (BOOTH, ANGELA and HODGINS leave) BRENNAN: I am going to need some help. SWEETS: Wait, didn't Daisy come back with you? BRENNAN: Daisy said that she needs some time off. Who else is available? CAM: Nobody. BRENNAN: (incredulously) Nobody? SWEETS: Vincent Nigel-Murray won a million dollars on Jeopardy! Took a round-the-world trip. CAM: Mr Vasiri switched majors from forensic to cultural anthropology; he's interning at the Baghdad museum. CAROLINE: Fisher checked into a clinic with a case of "The Hopeless Vapors" - Dr Edison took a position in Chicago. (CAROLINE leaves) BRENNAN: What about Wendell? SWEETS: Last I heard, working in a repair shop. Excuse me. (SWEETS leaves) BRENNAN: What happened? You are no longer in the Jeffersonian, all my interns gone... CAM: What happened is you put your own desires ahead of everything else and you left. BRENNAN: Are you angry with me? CAM: Yes, I am angry, Dr Brennan. We had a great thing going and you just... You let it fall apart. (CAM leaves. BRENNAN is left alone in the room) (Fade to black) ACT 2 (Cut to the Royal Diner. Morning. A plate of pancakes is served on the counter for PARKER and BOOTH) BOOTH: Ah...Look at that, huh? PARKER: Dad? BOOTH: Yeah. PARKER: Did you kill anybody? BOOTH: Why are you asking me that? PARKER: My friends always want to know. What should I tell them? BOOTH: You tell your friends that your dad does his duty the best that he knows how. Alright? Someday, me and you are gonna talk all about it, alright? PARKER: When? BOOTH: Y'know, when you're older; when you're a man. PARKER: Are you going away again? BOOTH: No. Never. PARKER: Because of me? BOOTH: Because of you. It's the best reason ever. Huh? Drink your orange juice, here we go; let's eat up. Mm? (Cut to a repair shop. BRENNAN is walking between to school buses) BRENNAN: Wendell? Wendell Bray? WENDELL: Yeah... BRENNAN: Oh, it's Dr Temperance Brennan. (WENDELL peeks out from inside of one of the school buses) WENDELL: Hey, welcome back! Did you find Homo fluoresciensis, in Maluku? BRENNAN: No, not yet. Why are you fixing the bus? You are a highly educated and fairly intelligent young man! WENDELL: Gotta pay a rent, save up for tuition. BRENNAN: What happened to your fellowship? WENDELL: After you left, the new forensic anthropologist wasn't based at the Jeffersonian, he was in New York, so they shut down the program. BRENNAN: I am very very difficult to replace. WENDELL: That you are! BRENNAN: I would like to hire you to... help me. WENDELL: For how long? BRENNAN: For however long it takes to identify these remains; and then I have to get back to Maluku. WENDELL: No can do. I, uh, pulled in favors to get this job. Gotta think long-term. I appreciate the offer though. (he turns his back on her) BRENNAN: How much would it take? Because I have quite a lot of money and it's no use to me in Maluku. (WENDELL turns around again. He smiles) (Cut to the FBI interrogation room. BOOTH is talking to TREVOR and CARRIE BARTLETT) CARRIE BARTLETT: I-I put Logan down at 8pm, after his bath. I read him a story. He's a good sleeper. TREVOR BARTLETT: You have a glass or two or wine after that, Carrie, or did you just go straight to the vodka? CARRIE BARTLETT: Don't do that. (to BOOTH) Look, I've been sober for over a year. BOOTH: So when did you notice Logan was gone? CARRIE BARTLETT: He's usually up around six. That's when I went in and he was just... he was gone. BOOTH: Where were you Mr. Bartlett? TREVOR BARTLETT: Me and Carrie split up last year. CARRIE BARTLETT: I-I got custody for Logan. BOOTH: Again I'm asking you, where were you when your son disappeared? TREVOR BARTLETT: I got family in Delaware, in Dover. Got receipts, witnesses, whatever you need. Missing Persons cops, they got it all. CARRIE BARTLETT: Trevor's angry, Agent Booth, but he would never do anything to harm Logan. TREVOR BARTLETT: Thank you for that Carrie. BOOTH: Look, I'm a father; I can only imagine what you're going though right now. I really appreciate you coming in. There's an Agent outside who's gonna drive you home. Ok? TREVOR BARTLETT: What about me? BOOTH: I have a few more questions for you. CARRIE BARTLETT: Agent Booth... Do you think that the body in the morgue... the one they're talking about on TV... Do you think..? BOOTH: It's not very clear right now... If I were you, I'd take that as a sign to have hope. Right? (She nods. BOOTH opens the door for her) BOOTH: (quietly) Thanks. (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. CAM, WENDELL and BRENNAN are there. ANGELA enters) ANGELA: Wow...These really are the remains of a child, huh? CAM: Yeah. And that about sums up my total knowledge on the case: it's a male child. WENDELL: You like living in Paris? ANGELA: Are you kidding? It's Paris! Yeah, I get to draw the Eiffel Tower; not dead children's faces. BRENNAN: These remains were found wrapped in a blanket in a shallow grave along the Potomac. ANGELA: Yeah... I don't know if that's a blanket. Um... Looks like it might have been cut from something larger..? Now the stitching suggests that it maybe it's from some kind of garment; like a jacket or a sleeping bag. BRENNAN: What does this look like to you, Wendell? (She points at an X-ray on the screen) WENDELL: Root completion of the canines. BRENNAN: That plus the fusion of the vertebral elements. CAM: You're suggesting that this victim is over three years old? BRENNAN: Yes. CAM: Despite his small size? ANGELA: It's hard to be sure in a child this young but, the eye orbits are relatively round. (BRENNAN approaches the table to look at the skull) BRENNAN: Yes! Angela's right. CAM: About what? BRENNAN: The round eye orbits. The skull is brachycephalic. ANGELA: If I was reconstructing this skull, I'd definitely be going Asian. CAM: So it can't be Logan Bartlett. (she sighs) (Cut to the FBI. BOOTH and TREVOR BARTLETT are exiting the interrogation room) BOOTH: Thanks for your cooperation. TREVOR BARTLETT: Do me a favor, huh? Quit wasting your time appreciating my cooperation; go find my kid. CAROLINE: Nice man. You think he killed his son? BOOTH: I don't quite get killer off of him. (He notices people in his office) Ho-how! What's going on here? CAROLINE: Agent Colby is moving out so you can move back in. BOOTH: Hm. (he nods) CAROLINE: You aren't going back to Afghanistan after this, are you? (BOOTH starts walking away. CAROLINE follows him) Because I told Agent Colby that you needed your office back. Don't you make me a liar! BOOTH: Nah... I'm not going back. Something happened to me back there that made me realize I have to be here for my son. CAROLINE: You almost die or something? (BOOTH sighs) CAROLINE: I should know better than ask. Anything else happened down there that you'd maybe like to talk about? A little something-something? (BOOTH takes his cell phone out and shows her the photo of Hannah) CAROLINE: Ah! BOOTH: Huh? CAROLINE: I like the set of her chin. BOOTH: Right? CAROLINE: Does Dr Brennan know? BOOTH: 'Course she does. CAROLINE: Sort of takes the emotional pressure off, I guess. BOOTH: Right? CAROLINE: Which means there's absolutely no reason for the two of you not to work together, get the old team back together, catch miscreants and killers and the like. BOOTH: Well I'm staying, but I'm pretty sure Bones is heading back to the Moppapuchuy Islands or whatever they're called, to find her missing link to humanity. CAROLINE: Well, we'd all like for her to find that. BOOTH: Right? Me too. CAROLINE: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: No missing link there, though, right? CAROLINE: There ain't nothing missing over her. (Cut to SWEETS and DAISY, walking on a sidewalk. Evening) DAISY: You wouldn't believe what I went through to hang on to that. SWEETS: I never asked you to give me the ring back. DAISY: When I left, you and I weren't really precise on where we were as a couple. SWEETS: You flushed me, Daisy. I mean, how- how much more clear could it be? DAISY: Just to be clear, in your mind, we're no longer engaged? SWEETS: What? No! (they stop walking) DAISY: I thought about you every day. DRIVER: Hey! Get out of the way! (horns beeping) (SWEETS and DAISY resume crossing the street) SWEETS: Okay, this is very confusing for me; because I spent the last few months trying to forget about you. DAISY: You found someone else while I was away? SWEETS: Well, as a matter of fact, yeah, I met a few women and... by a few I mean more than two. DAISY: I was completely faithful, but I don't blame you for seeking comfort in the arms of others. SWEETS: Blame me? You looked me in the eye and told me that your career would always come first. DAISY: I was emulating my mentor, Dr Brennan and she was wrong, which means I was wrong too. I was led astray by my brain. SWEETS: Well, I need some time to think. DAISY: Then you keep the ring. You want us to be engaged, you just give it back. (DAISY leaves. SWEETS looks at the ring, then turns to leave at the opposite direction) (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. BRENNAN and WENDELL are there. BRENNAN is holding up an X-ray) BRENNAN: Yes, I'm seeing Harris' lines here, in the tibia. (She gives WENDELL the X-ray) WENDELL: These lines of calcified material in the shin bone? BRENNAN: Signifies childhood malnutrition. (WENDELL puts the X-ray on a table next to him, then hands BRENNAN a pair of gloves. He points at the skull) WENDELL: The skull shows...um... I forget what these lesions are called but they're caused by iron deficiency anemia...? BRENNAN: Porotic hyperostosis. WENDELL: Yeah. (CAM enters) CAM: Comes from working on bus engines, I guess. BRENNAN: Well, anyone could learn the labels, Mr. Bray, but not everyone would notice the condition. CAM: Nice! What have you got? WENDELL: Well, we won't know for certain until we get a complete histological profile but it's looking pretty good that this kid is an Asian immigrant. BRENNAN: By pretty good, Mr. Bray means a better than 85% chance. (ANGELA and HODGINS enter) ANGELA: Hey! Hodgins found some bug evidence. WENDELL: Hey Hodgins what's up? HODGINS: Hey brother! (HODGINS higs WENDELL, then looks around) HODGINS: Wow! What is with this scuzzy hellhole? And where is my office? CAM: You see that table over there? That's you office; and you have to share. HODGINS: Huh! CAM: If these remains are Asian, that might help explain his size and this is all adding up to the likelihood that this is not Logan Bartlett. HODGINS: It's not Logan Bartlett. Cam's bug guy - really not top shelf by the way - says that insect activity indicates that this kid died between six and twelve weeks ago but he didn't take into account the fact that the kid was wrapped up. BRENNAN: The blanket retarded insect activity. ANGELA: Again, not a blanket. HODGINS: Calliphoridae and Sarcophagidae flies are present as adults and early instar larvae... you're not interested in details. Okay. Upshot: this child died at least sixteen weeks ago; long before Logan Bartlett went missing. BRENNAN: I think we're all agreed that this is not the missing child. ANGELA: No, maybe not the famous one but, this is somebody's missing child. (Fade to black) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT 3 (Cut to the FBI conference room. CAROLINE is closing the sliding door while BRENNAN and BOOTH are inside the room) CAROLINE: So you are positively absetively certain that it isn't Logan Bartlett? BOOTH: Absetively, that's not a word. BRENNAN: Yes, we are certain. CAROLINE: So you people come back from the far-flung corners of the earth, out past the outer suburbs of Timbuktu and you solve the case in a shake? BRENNAN: What's a shake? CAROLINE: Three jiffies in a cha-cha. BOOTH: Cha-cha-cha! BRENNAN: We didn't actually solve the case; all we've done is ascertain that the remains are not those of Logan Bartlett. We still have to figure out whose remains are in Cam's lab and what happened to him. CAROLINE: You are so right, Dr Brennan, how could I have taken my eye off the ball like that? BRENNAN: Blood flow is crucial to cognitive dexterity; perhaps you don't get enough exercise. BOOTH: We figure this out, Cam has a chance to keep her job, right? CAM: That's what you came back for, isn't it? Help out Cam? BOOTH: Absetively! (Cut to the FBI observation room, where the video of TREVOR BARTLETT's interrogation is playing on a screen. SWEETS is watching it) MR BARTLETT: Look, nothing against Carrie. But you got to admit it was crazy to choose the alcoholic mother over the father. It was just a bad decision; something was bound to happen. (BOOTH enters) TREVOR BARTLETT: (on screen) And I'll tell you something else... BOOTH: Sweets! Why are you looking at that? (SWEETS pauses the video) SWEETS: When this guy looks you in the eye, his expressions reach his entire face, not just his mouth. He's speaking in contractions instead of formally. BOOTH: He's telling the truth? SWEETS: Yes! Look; see? He expands himself outwardly, in this communication. A liar doesn't do that, a liar pulls in. Not only is this guy telling the truth; he's relaying facts. BOOTH: Forget about this guy, okay? This is a Missing Persons case right now; it's out of my hands. What's important right now is, we're working on a homicide. What do we have on that? SWEETS: Well, the remains were wrapped, which suggests a sense of ceremony, a loving burial; or, equally possible, shame, which makes sense cause the child's hands and feet where bound with twine. BOOTH: s*x crime. SWEETS: Hard not to go there. BOOTH: Thanks. SWEETS: Yeah... (BOOTH turns to leave) SWEETS: Hey, uh, Booth, can I ask you a personal question? BOOTH: Oh, that depends. About you or me? SWEETS: Me. BOOTH: Shoot. SWEETS: Okay... Daisy just wants to pick up where we left off and I don't know whether to... BOOTH: Move on. SWEETS: Yeah? Like you did? BOOTH: You know what? You asked my opinion, right? I'm gonna give it to you; are you listening? Give yourself a chance to be happy: move on. SWEETS: And that worked for you? BOOTH: Yeah, it did. It did. (SWEETS nods. BOOTH leaves. SWEETS stays, staring at his retrieving back) (Cut to the Royal Diner. Morning. BRENNAN and WENDELL are having breakfast. BRENNAN is looking at an X-ray) WENDELL: If you don't mind me asking, Dr B, why do you keep staring at the X-ray? BRENNAN: Because I'm suffering the nagging certainty that my... (She picks up her glass and holds it between her eyes and the X-ray as she speaks) BRENNAN: ...eyes are seeing something which my brain refuses to process. WENDELL: Isn't your brain supposed to be the smart one? (ANGELA joins them) WENDELL: Hey Ange, you want something to eat? (ANGELA sits down) ANGELA: I do, yes, but... I want it in Paris. Are her eyeballs and brain pan arguing again? WENDELL: Yeah; Clash of the Titans! BRENNAN: Got it! There's nearly imperceptible damage to the hyoid. WENDELL: Little boy got strangled? BRENNAN: No it's not cracked or crushed, it's more like there's a- a hole or a puncture. WENDELL: I'll check it out on the actual bone. (WENDELL stands up and leaves) ANGELA: Sweetie! Sweetie, can I get some attention over here? BRENNAN: Yeah, uh (she puts the X-ray down) - yes it's very good to see you. Because you are my best friend and I love you like a sister - ah, I assume, not having an actual sister to use as a control. ANGELA: Right, yes, yes, I know. So, um... What is the deal with Booth? Is it weird seeing him again? BRENNAN: Not at all weird; very nice. ANGELA: Are there any old... surges... of feelings; anything like that? BRENNAN: Booth fell in love in Afghanistan. ANGELA: Oh! Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! BRENNAN: Why? Are- Are you in love with Booth? ANGELA: Well, a little bit but... that's not what I mean. Don't tell me that you're happy about him finding somebody else! BRENNAN: I'm very pleased for him. A committed, romantic dyad is exactly the kind of relationship Booth seems to require to be happy. ANGELA: Did you think about Booth at all when you were away? BRENNAN: Yes I did; a- a few times I actually... dreamed about him. ANGELA: Oh, well, there you go! Dreams are very meaningful. BRENNAN: I dreamed about the work we do; I dreamed about catching murderers and getting justice for... people who were killed. What does that mean? ANGELA: It means you're going to die loveless and alone. BRENNAN: I don't follow your reasoning. ANGELA: Sweetie, can you please ask me how I am, please? BRENNAN: Well, I already know how you are. You love living in Paris and you don't miss murders and violence. ANGELA: What I did miss is... my period. (BRENNAN looks at ANGELA with wide eyes, then hugs her) ANGELA: I hope you're hugging me because you're excited about being an aunt. BRENNAN: No, I'd have to be your sister to do that. Oh! Which I am - metaphorically. ANGELA: Yes, you better be, because I haven't even told Hodgins yet. BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, women often confide in other women before broaching sensitive subjects with their mates. ANGELA: (she sighs) Okay. (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. WENDELL, CAM, BRENNAN and HODGINS are there. WENDELL is pointing at an X-ray on the screen) WENDELL: Dr Brennan was right, I found a very small puncture in the boy's hyoid. CAM: A puncture; like he was stabbed? HODGINS: That's what I thought; so, I took a close look and I found... (He points BRENNAN to the microscope. She looks) BRENNAN: Cellulose? HODGINS: Wood. My best estimate is hard wood: maple, alder or ash. BRENNAN: I don't believe a stabbing would cause this kind of damage. CAM: How else would a sharp piece of wood come into contact with the hyoid? WENDELL: Maybe a toothpick. BRENNAN: Combined with concomitant damage to the sternum, I propose the following scenario: a child swallows something, perhaps a toothpick; he... chokes, he stops breathing; someone tries to save him. WENDELL: The damage to the sternum was from the Heimlich maneuver. CAM: What about him being tied up like this? HODGINS: Yeah, that mostly looks bad. BRENNAN: There are cultures where the binding of hands and feet is part of the burial ritual: ancient Jews, some Asian cultures, including the subcontinent. HODGINS: Angie says the boy was Asian. CAM: So we're not looking at a murder, we're looking at negligence, or maybe even an accident? BRENNAN: Logically, I'd say yes. (Fade to black) ACT 4 (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. HODGINS is there. CAROLINE and CAM enter) HODGINS: Korea! CAM: Korea? HODGINS: The boy was wrapped in a kind of polyester fabric which is not legal in the United States; it's flammable. But, it is very common in North Korea; mostly in outerwear. CAM: That would explain the malnutrition. North Korea's not famous for its cuisine. CAROLINE: North Koreans aren't allowed to leave their country. HODGINS: Well, a few lucky ones escape; mainly to rejoin their families in South Korea. There's something else: the twine there that's binding the boy's hands and feet? It's a very heavy industrial embroidery thread. CAROLINE: Sleeping bags? HODGINS: Yes. Also casket linings, moving blankets, horse blankets... CAM: So, we're looking for an industrial sewing operation with a Korean connection. (HODGINS nods) (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in the SUV) BOOTH: That is one sweatshop, an upholsterer and an awning manufacturer. Okay, what's next? BRENNAN: Hip-Chun Industries. BOOTH: Okay, Hip-Chun. BRENNAN: I- I find this reassuring. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Us! Sitting like this; going to check out a possible crime scene. You, refusing to wear your seatbelt... BOOTH: Hey! The going gets rough, you know, I'm not wasting valuable time looking to release a seatbelt catch. BRENNAN: Man of action. BOOTH: That's right; like a jungle cat! Rawrr!! BRENNAN: No, you should say like a flea when referring to lightning-fast reflexes. BOOTH: I'm not going to say I'm like a flea... BRENNAN: It's more accurate. BOOTH: Listen, Bones, we gotta talk about this. BRENNAN: The way my use of accurate similes makes you uncomfortable? BOOTH: No! Are we gonna put the old team back together again? BRENNAN: I dreamed about this. BOOTH: You did? Oh! Oh, you mean you literally dreamt about it. Right, so, you're open to the idea. IBRENNAN: It's an anthropological fact that in any community of individuals there is a linchpin or keystone personality. BOOTH: Uh, the leader, you mean. BRENNAN: Mm, not usually. Mostly it's just a... member of the group who otherwise might seem invisible but... when she leaves, the group disintegrates. BOOTH: She? BRENNAN: Yes, I am obviously the linchpin personality in our group. BOOTH: But, yeah- I left too. BRENNAN: But after I decided to leave. BOOTH: No, you left after I... Alright, the question is, are you back? BRENNAN: (frowning) I'd rather go back to Maluku, but I feel, as a linchpin personality, that I... should put my own selfish desires behind the good of this group. BOOTH: Great, so you're staying. BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Great! There you go! All you have to do is get Hodgins and Angela on board, right? Talk the Jeffersonian into giving us our lab back and then track down all you squinterns. BRENNAN: It's a long list of very difficult tasks! BOOTH: Well, it's not easy being the linchpin now, is it? BRENNAN: Mm, that's true. (Cut to SWEETS and DAISY walking at the FBI corridors) DAISY: Did you make a decision about the ring? SWEETS: Daisy, when Dr Brennan goes back to Maluku, are you going with her? DAISY: Definitely not! SWEETS: Really? (he leaves a file on a desk) DAISY: I don't like snakes. Or being away from... people. Lance, please don't keep me hanging, are we together or not? SWEETS: Well, we're not engaged. DAISY: So you're keeping the ring? SWEETS: I'm keeping the ring. DAISY: Would you like to still be friends? SWEETS: Yes! DAISY: Well, that doesn't work for me! SWEETS: I'm sorry but I'm just not the same guy I was when you left me holding my crushed heart in my hands. (They stop I front of the elevators) DAISY: I know. You wear hats now, and a cute little beard. SWEETS: So... I guess this is goodbye then. DAISY: You'll always be my Lancelot. You'll always be the one that got away, after I threw the one that got away back - but perhaps the sequence of events isn't all that important. SWEETS: It is to me. Bye Daisy. DAISY: Bye Lance. (They kiss briefly, supposedly to say goodbye. They look at each other, then start kissing again, more passionately. The elevator doors open and the agents inside stare at them) (Cut to Hip-Chun Industries. BRENNAN and BOOTH are talking with the boss, PATRICK PARK) PATRICK PARK: My parents emigrated from South Korea at the end of the Korean War, but I'm an American citizen. BRENNAN: Do you employ anyone from... North Korea? PATRICK PARK: Yes; an old friend of my father's and his granddaughter escaped to South Korea so we sponsored them. We cleared out a small apartment for them. BOOTH: They work for you here? PATRICK PARK: Yes; the, uh, the old man does minor carpentry and repairs and- and the granddaughter is... right there. (he points to both of them) BOOTH: Does she have a child around three years old? PATRICK PARK: Yes she did but she decided to send him back to his father in South Korea. I gotta tell you, I think she regrets that. And both of them are really screwed up about it. (BRENNAN and BOOTH look at each other) (Cut to the house of the Korean immigrants, KANG MI CHA nad KANG KYU BOK. BOOTH and BRENNAN are with them) BOOTH: (to the woman) You know why I'm here. KANG MI CHA: I not speak very good English. BOOTH: Oh you're doing a really, really good job. Uh, pleased to meet you, sir. (BRENNAN starts walking further inside the house) BOOTH: You understand, though, why I'm here. (KANG KYU BOK and KANG MI CHA speak in Korean) BOOTH: Mr. Park says that you have a- a child. (she nods) Three years old? (she nods again) Um- where is he? (KANG KYU BOK and KANG MI CHA speak in Korean again) BOOTH: Myung Dae; is that your boy's name, Myung Dae? KANG MI CHA: I send Myung Dae back to Korea. (KANG KYU BOK asks something in Korean) (BRENNAN checks the child's wooden cot, takes a wooden screw out of it fairly easily) BRENNAN: Booth...? BOOTH: But we know what happened. Myung Dae choked on a wooden screw. BRENNAN: We know it was an accident; that you tried to save him. But he died. (KANG MI CHA starts sobbing) BOOTH: You wrapped him up in a blanket that you made from your jacket and you buried him with as much love as you could. (KANG MI CHA hugs KANG KYU BOK, crying) (Fade to black) ACT 5 (Cut to the Founding Fathers, evening. CAM, BOOTH and BRENNAN are having drinks) CAM: They were so afraid of the authorities that they buried the child themselves? BOOTH: Y' know, the States, they seem like heaven to them. I mean, they... they probably thought they were going to be executed or even worse, sent back to North Korea. BRENNAN: What will happen to them? BOOTH: Ah, you know, knowing Caroline, she probably won't even charge 'em. Caroline is a nice person... underneath the whole... you know, not nice... thing. CAM: I'm afraid I have to agree, she got everybody back here to save my job. BOOTH: Why do we only solve crimes when we have a dead body? CAM: Seriously? Because I'm a pathologist and she's a forensic anthropologist? Fresh dead, long-time dead? BOOTH: I was thinking about Logan Bartlett. BRENNAN: The missing boy? BOOTH: Yeah, I checked out the Missing Persons investigation into the father and... The dad buys a car three days after the son disappeared. What kind of father does that? (Cut to a park's playground. Morning. BRENNAN and BOOTH are in the SUV with CARRIE BARTLETT) BOOTH: Mrs. Bartlett, you know that this is a long shot, right? CARRIE BARTLETT: You told me to have hope. This is me hoping. BRENNAN: If it's such a long shot then why did we bring her? CARRIE BARTLETT: This is the only park near where Trevor's brother lives. Logan loved it. BOOTH: Well, just don't get your hopes up too much, alright? BRENNAN: Oh, I believe she should get her hopes up. BOOTH: Bones, why? (BRENNAN points outside. TREVOR BARTLETT is putting a child on the ground to play. BOOTH gets out of the SUV. So does BRENNAN and CARRIE BARTLETT) BOOTH: Mrs. Bartlett, please stay in the car. CARRIE BARTLETT: That's Logan! Trevor dyed his hair but that's Logan! BOOTH: You just have to trust me, okay? CARRIE BARTLETT: Oh, he's not dead; I thought he was dead, oh my God! BOOTH: Just trust me. (TREVOR BARTLETT is dialing a number on his cell phone) BRENNAN: The man is ignoring his child. Why would he do that if he loves him so much? BOOTH: He doesn't love him; he kidnapped him to hurt his wife. BRENNAN: I find I would like to strike him! BOOTH: Oh, let's hope he runs, right; then I'll take him down like a flea. Alright? So, when I get between Logan and the dad you make sure that you get Mrs. Bartlett to the child. Alright? (BOOTH starts approaching TREVOR BARTLETT. The guy notices him and starts running away, but BOOTH catches him and they both fall to the ground. BRENNAN and CARRIE BARTLETT run to the LOGAN BARTLETT) BRENNAN: Logan! Hi! Hi, how are you? (LOGAN smiles) I have found someone. (CARRIE BARTLETT hugs LOGAN. BOOTH handcuffs TREVOR BARTLETT and gives a thumbs-up to BRENNAN) CARRIE BARTLETT: Missed you! I missed you! Baby! (she sobs) (Cut to the Royal Diner. HODGINS and ANGELA are entering) HODGINS: Oh, you wanna stay? Here? In DC? ANGELA: I think it would be good if we had the baby here, in the States. HODGINS: A baby! Our baby! 9they sit next to the counter) Still sounds so weird; we're gonna have a baby! We're gonna stay in the States, to have our baby. ANGELA: Yeah, all that wine in France is now totally wasted on me. (to the waitress) Tea, please. (to HODGINS) Why did you suddenly get quiet? HODGINS: Oh, because I am so happy! ANGELA: Okay; so you don't mind then. HODGINS: Are you kidding? This is the greatest news I've ever gotten. ANGELA: No. No, I mean about- about staying in the States. HODGINS: Mind? Angie, I only love Paris because you love Paris, but... catching bad guys, that's what I'm made for. You're not... doing this for me? ANGELA: You mean the way you went to Paris for me? No I'm- I'm doing it for the baby. HODGINS: The baby! We're gonna have a baby. I'm gonna be a dad. ANGELA: You know what else I've been realizing too, is that we are actually the glue that holds the whole clattery operation together. HODGINS: A baby. I'm gonna be a daddy. ANGELA: Okay. Alright, we'll finish this conversation when you have your brain back. I think that we should also- we should just keep it between us until past the first trimester, okay? (HODGINS nods and starts tearing up) ANGELA: Oh... If you cry... Don't cry, if you cry then I'm gonna start crying and then... (Cut to the Founding Fathers. Evening. CAROLINE, BRENNAN and BOOTH are having drinks. They're clinking their glasses) CAROLINE: The whole Scooby Gang is coming back. BOOTH: That's right, we're back! CAROLINE: That's how it should be. You got something magic, you don't scatter it to the ins of the earth; you concentrate it in one place. There isn't a single normal law enforcement officer who could work with these people. (BOOTH's phone starts ringing) BOOTH: I'm the linchpin, okay, I'm the linchpin! (he answers the phone) Booth! CAROLINE: What are you staring at? BRENNAN: It's you! CAROLINE: What's "me"? BRENNAN: You are the linchpin! You managed to get us all back here and then you fixed it so we'd stay! CAROLINE: I have no idea what you're talking about, Dr Brennan. BRENNAN: Thank you. CAROLINE: You're welcome. BRENNAN: I find I'd like to hug you. (BRENNAN starts to hug CAROLINE but she backs off, looking at her incredulously. BOOTH returns) BOOTH: Cam's back to the Jeffersonian. Uh- why are you staring at Bones like that? CAROLINE: I prefer you don't leave us alone, together. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Why? What'd you do? (BRENNAN shrugs) (Cut to the entrance of the Medico-Legal Lab, at the Jeffersonian. CAM unlocks the sliding doors and her, BRENNAN BOOTH, DAISY, SWEETS, ANGELA, HODGINS and CAROLINE enter) CAM: Well, I think we should thank Dr Brennan for insisting that the Jeffersonian reform a forensic unit on the premises. BRENNAN: And we should recognize that Booth's return to duty at the FBI means that we can work with him again. BOOTH: So how come I'm not the linchpin here? I'm the linchpin. CAM: I would like to say thanks personally, to all of you for dropping everything you were doing... SWEETS: ...fighting wars. WENDELL: ...searching for the origins of humanity. DAISY: ...and totally failing! ANGELA: ...making beautiful music for shoppers... CAM: You are all my true friends; and I won't forget it. But, let there be no mistake, I am the boss and I am in charge. (CAM turns on the lights. We see a pre-historic mastodon exhibit on the forensic platform, part of an exhibition taking place in the area.) CAM: Oh! That's really gonna get in the way! (Everybody is staring at it with their mouths agape) CAROLINE: Totally not my problem! (CAROLINE leaves) HODGINS: Uh... I- I have an announcement to make. ANGELA: Oh, yeah, yes- HODGINS: Yeah. ANGELA: Yes, he does, um- we're- we're gonna go home! So... okay? HODGINS: No, Iet- (ANGELA and HODGINS leave) CAM: I'm going for drinks. WENDELL: I'm with you! (CAM and WENDELL leave) DAISY: Oh, can Sweets and I come? I mean, not together, just at the same time, cause we're not together anymore, right? SWEETS: Right. DAISY: I won't sit next to you! I promise. (SWEETS and DAISY leave) BRENNAN: Did you see how happy Hodgins was, to be back at work? I'm definitely doing the right thing. BOOTH: Okay, I think there's a little more going out there, Bones. Wow! Okay... That thing is really big! BRENNAN: It's a lot to work around. BOOTH: Uh, we've worked around bigger. Metaphorically speaking. BRENNAN: Metaphorically. BOOTH: Welcome home, Bones. BRENNAN: Thank you! Welcome home, Booth. (They glance sideways at each other. Fade to black) END.

Plan: A: Cam; Q: Who's reputation is on the line? A: the team; Q: Who travels overseas to help Cam? A: an unidentified young boy; Q: What is the case about? A: The Forensics Anthropology Unit; Q: What is the name of the team? A: evidence; Q: What do they need to unravel? A: closure; Q: What will the team find for the family of the unknown boy? A: new clues; Q: What did the team find in the lab? Summary: With Cam's reputation and career on the line, the team travels from overseas to help her solve the case of an unidentified young boy. The Forensics Anthropology Unit lost much of its vigor after disbanding to pursue personal ventures, and it will take the collaborative energy and knowledge of the newly reunited team to unravel evidence and find closure for the family of the unknown boy. After unearthing new clues in the lab and making unexpected personal discoveries, the team realizes they belong back in Washington, D.C., in "The Mastodon in the Room" .

Teleplay by: Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Robert Masello Story by: Javier Grillo-Marxuach [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Gail's house. Gail, Amanda and Helen are chanting a spell. They are standing in a circle holding hands.] Gail, Amanda, Helen: "We call on the demon Cryto, reach back throughout the ages, humbled by his power, we invite him into our circle." (Gail coughs.) Helen: Are you alright? Gail: Just keep chanting. Amanda: We've been chanting for fifteen minutes. Gail: It's a séance, Amanda, not AT&T. He'll come, he has to. Come on. Gail, Amanda, Helen: "We call on the demon Cryto, reach back throughout the ages, humbled by his power, we invite him into our circle." (Smoke rises in the middle of them and forms a face.) Cryto: Who dare summon me? Gail: Three, who are humbled by your presence, Cryto. Cryto: What do you want? Gail: That which only you can give. Youth, beauty, health. Cryto: What can you give me? Gail: We can make you whole again, we can bring you back. Cryto: But I want more. I want powers. Great powers. Don't ever summon me again. (He starts to disappear.) Gail: We can get you great powers. The powers to move things with your mind, to stop time, to see into the future. Cryto: Do so and you'll get your youth. (He disappears.) Helen: Ah. Gail: I had to do something, we were losing him. Helen: You lost him already, Gail. Why would you promise him something we can't get. What if it makes him angry? Gail: I can get the powers, Helen. I have to. I'm not ready to die. I'll be back. Just be sure you have the quilt finished by tomorrow night. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's room. Phoebe's sitting on her bed. She squints her eyes while trying to read a book. She puts on a pair of glasses and looks in the mirror.] Phoebe: Ugh. (Someone knocks on the door. She hides the glasses under a pillow. Prue walks in.) Prue: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Prue: Have you, um, made an appointment to see the optometrist yet? Phoebe: Prue, I keep telling you I do not need glasses. Prue: Oh, well, then... (she turns the book around the right way) this might help. Phoebe: Unrelated. Prue: Mmm hmm. Look, I really need you help. Piper's throwing our her boots. The tan ones. [Cut to the kitchen. Piper's putting her boots in a paper bag. Prue and Phoebe walk in.] Phoebe: Piper, what are you doing? Those are your favourite boots. Piper: I know. Demon blood from one of our vanquishing and I can't get it out and I can't exactly explain it to the shoe repair guy now can I? It's the third damn pair this month. Phoebe: What's the matter, honey? Piper: Nothing. I've gotta get to the club. Dan's waiting for me. Prue: Are you really gonna break up with him? Piper: Well, I have to. I mean, I love him but I love Leo more. Not that I'm any closer to figuring out how that's gonna work either. Sometimes being a witch sucks. (She leaves out the back door.) Phoebe: Wicca PMS? Prue: I have a feeling it's a lot more than that. (The doorbell rings. They walk into the foyer and opens the door.) Aunt Gail. Gail: My beautiful girls. (They hug.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Phoebe finds a photo in a closet and takes it in the living room.] Phoebe: I knew we had an old picture of you and Grams somewhere. Gail: Oh my God, look how young we were. I remember when this was taken. Right outside our sorority house. We'd just met. Phoebe: A couple of hotties. Gail: That was then. This is now. Prue: Hey, now looks pretty good. Gail: Believe me, the golden years are anything but. Mostly it's regret. I miss your Grams. I still can't believe she is gone. You just never know when it's your time, do you? Anyway, you both sound like you are doing very well. You and Piper and your careers and (to Phoebe) you back at school. Good for you. Prue: Yeah, we're doing alright. Gail: What about men? Anyone special in your lives? Phoebe: Nope. Prue: Well, I mean, Piper's got someone, sort of. Phoebe: I think we're just picky. We don't wanna go through all the husbands that Grams went through. Gail: Don't be too picky. You don't wanna end up like an old spinster like me. (She coughs.) Prue: Are you okay? Phoebe: Here, have some of this. (Phoebe hands her a drink and she takes a sip.) Gail: Oh, thank you. Damn allergies. Prue: So what brings you to San Francisco? Gail: Well, my dears, you do. Do you remember the Bridge clubs your Grams hosted here every other Saturday? Prue: Mmm hmm. Gail: Did you actually see any of us play any cards? Phoebe: No. Grams always sent us outside to play. Gail: That's because it wasn't a Bridge club. It was her coven. Your Grams was the most skillful witch any of us ever knew. Phoebe: Witch? Gail: I still practice craft myself every now and then. I don't have any real powers, mostly I just play around with it. Prue: Wow. You and Grams, witches, who knew? Gail: You don't have to pretend with me. Your Grams told me everything. Including what you'd become when she died. The Charmed Ones. [Scene: P3. Piper's at the bar. Dan walks in.] Dan: Hey. Piper: Hi. You're um, you're late. Dan: Sorry, a little jet lag. (He leans over the bar and kisses Piper on the cheek. He then puts a small box on the bar.) Piper: Uhh... Dan: I was walking by a store window on Fifth Avenue and I couldn't resist. Piper: Oh, no. (Piper freezes him. She opens the box.) Please don't be a ring. (In it is a pair of earrings.) Okay. (She closes the box and unfreezes him.) Dan: I hope you like them. (She opens the box.) Piper: They're beautiful. Thank you. Dan: You're welcome. If you don't like them... Piper: It's not that Dan, it's... Dan: Did you think it was a ring? Piper: No, of course not. Don't be silly. Um, it's just that... (the phone rings) Dan: Don't you need to answer that? Piper: No, um, the machine will pick it up. Dan we have to talk. Prue's voice: Piper, it's me, pick up. Dan: Talk about what? Piper: Well, to be honest... Prue's voice: Aunt Gail's in town and guess what? She knows we're, you know what's. (Piper picks up the phone.) Piper: Whoa, I'm not alone here, remember. Prue: I thought that that would get your attention. Piper: Prue, this is a really bad time. Prue: Well, I'm sorry but it's important. Piper: Wait, how does Aunt Gail know that we're... you know what? Never mind, you can tell me later. I have to go, Dan is here. Prue: Look, Aunt Gail needs our help. She's in trouble. Piper: What do you mean? What kind of trouble? Prue: The kind of trouble you can't talk about with Dan right there, demon trouble. Piper: Of course, why not. Alright, I'll just put my life on hold one more time and I'll be right there. (Piper hangs up.) Dan: More trouble at home? Piper: When isn't there. Dan: Well, you wanna talk about it on the way to your car? Piper: Um, no, I don't. Uh, how about dinner tonight? Actually, let's make it tomorrow night just to be safe. I don't wanna have to cancel on you. Dan: It's a date. (He kisses her on the cheek and she leaves. He notices she left the earrings behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Solarium. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Gail are there.] Prue: Have you contacted the police yet? Gail: And tell them what? That I think there's a demon running loose in our streets? They'd think I was crazy. Piper: Try getting your boots cleaned. Gail: Huh? Phoebe: Don't ask. Prue: Still, you said that corpses have been found dug up and skinned. I mean, what'd the police think about that? Gail: I don't know. Phoebe: Maybe it's just some sicko grave robber. Gail: Well, it's, uh, it's-it's more than that. I may be wrong but I think I remember seeing in your Book Of Shadows that... Prue: Oh. Wait, you know about that too? Gail: And when your Grams was showing it to me, I think that I remember seeing something about a skinned demon or something, who made people young again. Piper: Young again? Why, what's so bad about that? Phoebe: There's gotta be a catch. There's always a catch. Are you sure the book said it was skinned? Gail: I think so, but maybe we better go look. [Scene: Gail's place. Helen and Amanda are sewing pieces of skin together.] Helen: You ready? Amanda: All set. (They put the skin on a dummy.) Helen: Do you think Gail will really be able to get their powers? Amanda: Well, she better and soon, the skin quilt is almost done. [Cut back to the manor. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Gail are in the attic looking in the Book Of Shadows.] Phoebe: Here's something. Cryto, the demon of vanity. Gail: Cryto, that sounds vaguely familiar. What does it say? (Phoebe squints while reading the Book.) Phoebe: Um, in the 16th century, Cryto traveled from dukedom to dukedom, praying on people's vanity, bestowing youth and and beauty in exchange for their souls. Prue: Youth for souls? Why would anybody make that trade? Gail: Believe me, I know a lot of people who'd consider it. Age, disease. Uh, that's why I'm so worried. I know so many potential victims in Santa Costa. Friends. (Phoebe squints again.) Piper: Are you squinting? Phoebe: No. (She continues reading.) Cryto was found out and skinned alive by a group of witches who believed it would keep his spirit from ever being resurrected again. You were right. Prue: Yeah, but those witches obviously weren't right, otherwise there wouldn't be a vanquishing spell in the book. Piper: So someone is skinning people to give him a new skin? Prue: Well, giving their bodies somebody's spirit makes sense. Phoebe: Well, at least it's an easy vanquishing spell. I mean, if Cryto really does exist, it shouldn't be a problem getting rid of him. Gail: Goodness, you must be very powerful witches. Piper: Ah, rub it in. Gail: Uh, how soon can you come to Santa Costa? Piper: Prue, Phoebe, can I talk to you for a sec? Out here. Gail: Take your time. (Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk out of the room. Gail starts flipping through the Book.) [Cut to outside.] Phoebe: Piper, Gail is like family. You love her, we all do. Prue: She was like a second Grams to us. Phoebe: Yeah, only a nice one. One that never said no. Piper: I know that, but something about her story, it's just, it's not right. I mean, bodies are being dug up all over town and she's the only one who's noticing? Phoebe: I admit, it's funky but what are we supposed to do? Tell her that we're not gonna help her? Piper: No, of course not. It's just, it's never ending. I mean, we have no lives. I don't even have time to break up with Dan properly. [Cut to the attic. Gail finds a spell in the book to separate a witch from her powers. She then rips the page out and puts it in her purse.] [Cut back outside.] Prue: Look, honey, Santa Costa's right over the bridge. Alright, we'll leave early, go check things out, be back by tomorrow night. (Gail comes down the stairs.) Hi. So, we'll be there at 9:00 tomorrow morning, okay? (She nods.) Phoebe: Would you like to stay here? We have plenty of room. Gail: Oh, no, thank you. I have to get home. Cats to feed, you know. Thank you. You'll never know how much this means to me. [Scene: Gail's house. Gail, Amanda and Helen are doing the séance. They are in a circle, holding hands with the skin covered dummy in the middle.] Gail, Amanda, Helen: "We call on the demon Cryto, reach back throughout the ages, humbled by his power, we invite him into our circle." (Smoke surrounds the dummy and it turns into Cryto.) Cryto: Well done, ladies. Amanda: Now, make us young. Cryto: First the powers you promised. Gail: They'll-they'll be here. Soon. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Gas station. Prue, Piper and Phoebe drive in. They get out of the car. Phoebe's holding a map.] Piper: Nice work, Pheebs, only a couple of hours late. Prue: Yeah, next time I'll navigate. Phoebe: It's this map. It's messed up. There is no connector road at highway twenty-eight. Prue: No? What is that? (Prue points to it on the map.) Phoebe: That little squiggle? Prue: Yeah. Phoebe: I didn't see that. And don't tell me I need glasses, okay, because anybody could've missed that. Prue: Phoebe, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing glasses. I mean, I wear them. Phoebe: I know, but you're older. (Piper laughs.) Well you are. Prue: Right, well, you know, I really hope that demon of vanity is after you because your soul would be toast. Phoebe: I'm just gonna ignore that comment and go ask for directions. Prue: Okay. (Phoebe walks away. Piper notices two elderly people walk past them holding hands.) Piper: Cute, huh? Still holding hands. Prue: That could be you and Leo in like fifty years. Piper: Me maybe but not Leo. Whitelighters don't age, remember? Of course they're not supposed to date witches either so maybe I don't have to worry about that. Prue: Piper. Piper: I know, I'm sorry, I've been a drag lately but I've just been confused and frustrated. I mean, nothing's changed really since Leo and I met except that I'm two years older and still have no idea what we're doing. Sometimes I worry we're all gonna end up like Aunt Gail. [Cut to Phoebe. Tow elderly men are giving Phoebe directions and she's writing them down.] Elderly man #1: Then you take Hotsmen to the lights, you turn right past the fire station to Sycamore. Elderly man #2: Yeah-yeah, then straight up the hill and there's a big Victorian on the left. Well, you can't miss it, it's not far. Phoebe: Okay, straight up the hill, great, thanks. Prue: (who's now in the car) Pheebs, come on. Phoebe: Okay, okay. (Phoebe puts the pen and paper in her bag and her glasses fall out.) Elderly man #1: Oh, excuse me, honey. Are these your glasses? Phoebe: Uh... (She sees Prue and Piper staring at her.) no, no, those aren't mine. (She walks to the car.) We are all set. All words, no squigglies. (She gets in.) [Scene: Gail's house. Kitchen. Gail's making a potion.] [Cut to outside. Prue, Piper and Phoebe arrive.] [Cut back to the kitchen. Helen comes in.] Helen: They're here. Amanda: Finally. Helen: How long after the drink the potion before we can call their powers to Cryto? Gail: It doesn't say. IT shouldn't be long. (She pours the potion in a pitcher of iced-tea.) [Scene: Later on in the living room. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] Amanda: More tea, girls? Phoebe: No, thanks. (Amanda pours the tea anyway.) I'd love some, thank you. Amanda: How about you? (Piper shakes her head.) Gail: It's better to humour her, Piper. She won't take no for an answer. Piper: Well, then, by all means, fill her up. Prue: So, Aunt Gail, who else knows about Cryto than us? (Amanda goes to pour more tea in Prue's cup but Prue quickly covers it with her hand.) Gail: Well, I hope you won't be too upset, I had to tell Amanda and Helen. Actually, they were the first to tell me about the dug up corpses. Prue: Really? Helen: Don't worry. We won't tell a soul about you being witches and all. Our little secret. Prue: That's good to know. (Piper pulls a face and looks in her cup.) Amanda: Is something the matter? Piper: Uh, it's just... what kind of tea is this? It's... different. Gail: It's a special blend. Uh, listen, maybe you had better get going to start to look for whoever might be trying to summon Cryto. Amanda: Gail... Gail: Two of the corpses were found in that old furniture warehouse at route ten, weren't they Helen? Helen: Yes, I think so. Phoebe: That's not really a lot to go on. Gail: Well, you have to start somewhere. Uh, you just go out route ten and then turn up Willow and it will be right there. (They start leaving towards the door.) Prue: Okay, so, um, I guess we'll be back later. Gail: Yeah, we'll, we'll be here. (They leave.) Helen: Cryto said they weren't supposed to leave. Gail: I know but they were getting suspicious. Amanda: Are you sure you're not trying to protect them? Gail: Of course I'm trying to protect them. I feel bad enough about stealing their powers but they're family and no demon is going to hurt them. Come on. We just have to keep calling for their powers until the potion takes effect. [Cut to the warehouse. Prue, Piper and Phoebe arrive. They get out of the car.] Prue: Do you guys see anything? Piper: Are you sure this is the right place? Phoebe: Don't look at me, I didn't navigate this time. Prue: Are either of you's thinking what I am thinking? Phoebe: Wild goose chase? Piper: Why would Aunt Gail send us out here for no reason? Prue: I don't know but she seemed in an awful hurry to get us outta th... Whoa. Piper: Are you okay? Prue: No, I'm kind of feeling light headed all of a sudden. Phoebe: I'm not feeling so hot myself. [Cut back to Gail's house. They are chanting the spell. They are standing in a circle with Cryto in the middle.] Gail, Helen, Amanda: "Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here." Cryto: It's not working. Gail: It will. Gail, Helen, Amanda: "Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here." [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe. You see their powers rise out of their bodies and float over to the house.] [Cut back to the house. They repeat the spell and the powers float into Cryto. He looks at his hands. He sees a vase and uses Prue's power to make it fly across the room and hit the wall.] Gail: Time for you to hold up your end of the bargain. (Cryto passes his hand in front of Gail's face and she turns young again.) Helen: Oh my God, Gail. It worked. (Gail touches her face and smiles.) Amanda: Now us. It's our turn. Cryto: Yes it is. (He passes his hand across her face and she turns into dust, leaving a pile of clothes on the floor.) Gail: What are you doing? (He does the same to Helen.) Cryto: You see, I can take youth away as quickly as I can grant it. Gail: But why? Cryto: It takes three witches to summon me and three to banish me. You do the math. I wanted more powers to protect myself. Now, I want you to introduce me to other willing souls who want to be young again, unless you want to end up like your friends. Beauty has its price. [Cut to outside. Prue, Piper and Phoebe pull up in the car. They get out and go inside.] Prue: Aunt Gail? Piper: Anybody home? Phoebe: I don't understand what the hell is going on. Piper: I told you something wasn't right. Prue: Yeah, well, what's not right is I have the feeling it's Gail and her friends who summoned this demon. Phoebe: Yeah, but if that were true, then why would Aunt Gail want us to come to Santa Costa? (They walk in the kitchen.) Prue: It stinks. Piper: This is what I'm saying. Prue: I think it's coming from here. (They walk down into the basement.) Piper: What is that smell? (They see the clothes on the floor.) Phoebe: Wait a minute, what are those? Prue: Oh, I would say by the looks of things, that's Amanda and that would be Helen. Piper: Oh God. Phoebe: I hope that didn't happen from drinking the tea. Prue: Yeah, that must of happened when they tried to summon Cryto. Although, I don't see Aunt Gail here. That's a good sign I hope. (A rat runs past them. Piper gets a fright and when she tries to freeze it, nothing happens.) Phoebe: What's the matter? Piper: I don't know but I can't freeze that rat thing. Prue: What? Piper: You try move it. (Prue tries to move it but it doesn't work.) Prue: Okay, what the hell is going on with our powers? Phoebe: Maybe we oughta ask Aunt Gail. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Gail's place. Piper's looking at a photo and Prue's looking at pieces of paper. Phoebe walks in holding a hemlock root.] Phoebe: Well, they were definitely making a potion. Hemlock root. Piper: No wonder the tea tasted funny. How did we let her do this to us? Prue: Because we trusted her. Phoebe: Yeah, well, she just got crossed off my Christmas list. Piper: Aunt Gail was grams' best friend. She used to bake us cookies. Phoebe: And now she's spiking our tea. Piper: But why? Just to be young again? I mean, she had to know she'd be giving up her soul in exchange. Prue: Maybe it wasn't just for youth. Maybe it was for health. These are all doctor bills. Recent ones. Radiation treatment, chemo therapy. I don't think she has very long to live. Phoebe: That still doesn't excuse what she did. What she did to us. I mean, you can't use magic to save yourself. Prue: No, not without consequences and there's no bigger one than giving up your soul. Phoebe: I just don't understand. Why steal our powers? Prue: Cryto must of wanted more out of the bargain. Aunt Gail was desperate enough to give it to him. Piper: We shouldn't of left her alone in the attic. Phoebe: Okay, well, we have the potion, if we can find the spell then we should be able to transfer our powers back. Piper: Are you kidding? We won't be able to get near him. Phoebe: Well, he has our powers but that doesn't necessarily mean he knows how to use them. Besides, do you have a better idea? Piper: Go home and call it a day? Prue: Funny. Come on. [Scene: Gas station. The two elderly men that were giving Phoebe directions, are now young and they jump in their car and drive off. Cryto and young Gail are there.] Cryto: See? You're not the only one, Gail. Everyone wants to be young and attractive. Gail: The difference is I knew what I was giving up. They don't. Cryto: Oh, they will. One day. Their last. (Another elderly man walks past.) Do you know that one? Introduce me. Gail: No. Cryto: Tired of being young again already? [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe. They're in the car and they stop at a stop sign. The elderly men, that are now young, pull up beside them.] Man #1: Hiya, toots. (They drive off.) Phoebe: Wait a minute. Piper: Tell me those aren't the same guys you asked for directions. Prue: Uh, okay, Cryto's close. Let's drive. [Cut back to the gas station. Cryto's talking to the other elderly man.] Cryto: The only catch is that you have to keep it a secret. You can't ever tell a soul. I'm sure you understand why. Elderly Man #3: What, is this some kind of joke? Cryto: If you think it is, then why are you still here? Because some part of you is hoping beyond hope that I just might be telling you the truth. That I can restore your youth. Just like I did for Gail Altman. Elderly Man #3: Gail? Gail: Yes, Frank, it's really me. (Frank nods his head. Cryto turns Frank young. Frank starts to walk away. Phoebe's glasses are sitting on the counter.) Cryto: You forgot your... (He picks up the glasses and he has a premonition of Prue, Piper and Phoebe vanquishing him.) Gail: What? Cryto: Three witches. You said you took care of them. Gail: What are you talking about? Cryto: You lied to me. (Prue, Piper and Phoebe pull up in the car. Gail sees them and runs outside.) Gail: Prue, run, hurry! (They get out of the car.) Prue: Aunt Gail? (Cryto makes a crow bar fly towards them, they duck and it hits the window of Piper's car.) Piper: So much for him not knowing how to use our powers.) (Cryto pushes Gail on the ground.) Phoebe: I've got one power he doesn't have. (Cryto makes Phoebe fly through the air.) Piper: Phoebe. (Prue pulls Piper behind a petrol bowser.) Prue: No, no, okay, wait. It's just way too dangerous. Cryto: Nobody's sending me back in. Piper: But we can't just sit here. Prue: No, we have to think. Alright, what do we know about our powers that he doesn't? (Gail runs behind a car where Phoebe is.) Gail: Oh, thank God. Phoebe: Stay away from me. (Phoebe looks above the car over at Prue and Piper, she puts her hands up and nods.) Prue: Alright, Phoebe's thinking what we're thinking. Piper: Great, what are we thinking? Cryto: You can't hide from me. Gail: (to Phoebe) I didn't want to die. It was wrong. Here, you'll need this. (She gives Phoebe the spell.) Phoebe: The spell. Prue: (to Piper) Just follow my lead. You ready? Piper: Uh huh. (They come out from behind the petrol bowser.) Prue: Alright, we give up. Piper: Excuse me? (Phoebe sneaks up behind Cryto.) Prue: No, no, no, Phoebe, wait, he'll freeze us. (Cryto turns around and freezes Phoebe. You can see she hasn't froze.) Cryto: That's a marvellous power. (He turns back around and Phoebe kicks him.) Phoebe: Good witches don't freeze. (They run away. Gail tries to too but Cryto sends her flying through the glass.) Cryto: I'll kill you. Gail: No! [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe. They run behind a different building.] Phoebe: Okay, what do we do about Gail? Prue: Well, without our powers there's nothing much that we can do. Phoebe: Okay, so we have to get back our powers and then find Cryto before he finds us. Prue: Agreed. Alright, let's go. (Prue and Phoebe start to leave but Piper just stands there.) Phoebe: Piper, come on. (Piper shakes her head.) Prue: Piper, what's the matter? Piper: I've had it. Phoebe: What do you mean you've had it? Had it with what? Piper: With being a witch. [Cut back to the gas station. Cryto walks over to Gail.] Cryto: You betrayed me. Gail: At least they got away so they can destroy you. Cryto: No they won't. I know where they're going, remember? I saw it. (Cryto makes Gail turn into dust.) [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe. They are walking towards Gail's house.] Phoebe: We can't just leave your car. Piper: We'll call a cab. Phoebe: That'll cost a hundred bucks. Piper: I'm not going back to town. I'm through with demon hunting. Prue: Piper, come on. Piper: There's really nothing more to say. Phoebe: Well, if it's getting back our powers that you're worried about, I can do that, I have a spell that can do that. Piper: I don't want my powers back. Phoebe: You don't mean that. Piper: Don't I? I think it may be my solution to all of my problems. Prue: Piper, wait a second. I know exactly what you're going through. Remember when Andy died? I didn't want to be a witch anymore either. Piper: That's different. Prue: How? Piper: Because not wanting to be a witch isn't a symptom of something else like it is for you, Prue. For me it's the problem. It's the cause, it's the problem of everything. I just, I want a life that hasn't got a lot of death in it. I don't think that's too much to ask. Phoebe: You can't do this. Piper: Phoebe, we're all gonna do it sooner or later. I'm just doing it first. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Gail's house. Piper's dialing a number on the phone. Phoebe hangs it up.] Piper: What are you doing? Phoebe: Piper, you can't do this. It effects all of us. Piper: Phoebe, I love you, you are one of my two most favourite sisters but I don't wanna give up having a life. Phoebe: I'm not asking you to. Piper: Yes you are. Just by asking me to be a witch. Phoebe: Piper, you were born a witch. It's not a choice, it's a fact. Piper: Says who? Up until two years ago I didn't know I was born a witch. Neither did you guys and we were perfectly happy then with perfectly normal lives. I miss that, don't you? Phoebe: No. Prue: Yeah, well, sometimes. But look, I've accepted the fact that I can't just turn back the clock and pretend that it never happened and neither can you. Piper: I don't wanna end up like Aunt Gail, old and alone and wishing I was young again so I can do all the things I missed out on. (Prue hugs Piper.) Prue: We won't let that happen to you. (Phoebe joins the hug.) Phoebe: Just help us get our powers back. Please? We can't do it without you. Prue: We won't do it without you. (They go down to the basement.) Piper: How do we know Cryto will even come here? Prue: If he's gonna look for us, he's gonna start here. (Piper puts the iced-tea on the table.) Phoebe: Well, we can try summoning like Gail and her friends did. Prue: I think that only works with spirits, Pheebs. Piper: I still don't understand how we're gonna get him to drink this without having any powers. Prue: We have to get him to use one of the powers he doesn't know how to use yet. Piper: Astral projection? Prue: Exactly. If we can distract him long enough to be in two places at the same time... Phoebe: We might be able to trick him into thinking that I'm still looking for the potion. Piper: Alright, I'm only doing this for you guys and if I get killed, I'm gonna haunt the both of you forever. Prue: Yeah, yeah. Got the spell? Phoebe: Yes. I got it. (She hands it to Prue.) Cryto: (from outside) Anybody home? I know you're here and I know where you are. (Cryto walks in and Phoebe kicks him and he falls down the stairs. Prue and Piper push shelves on top of him.) Prue: Phoebe, the potion. (Phoebe goes out of the basement.) Cryto: No! (He crawls out from under the shelves and makes Prue and Piper fly across the room and they land on the ground hard.) Piper: Ow. Prue: Ohh. [Cut to Phoebe.] Phoebe: I got it! (to herself) Come on, come on. [Cut back to the basement.] Prue: Pheebs, get the potion. Phoebe: Start chanting the spell. Piper: We need the potion first. Cryto: It won't work. Phoebe: Just start, I've got a plan. Prue, Piper: "Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us..." (Cryto astral projects into the other room and his body falls to the ground.) Prue: Get the potion. [Cut to the other room. Cryto appears.] Phoebe: Pretty nifty power, huh? (She hits him in the throat and kicks him) (to Prue and Piper) Do it! [Cut to the basement. Prue opens Cryto's mouth and Piper gets ready to pour in the potion.] Prue: Give him all of it. (Piper pours the potion in his mouth.) [Cut back to Phoebe. Cryto astral projects back in his body.] Phoebe: He's coming back. [Cut back to the basement. Phoebe comes down the stairs.] Prue, Piper, Phoebe: "Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here." (Their powers float out of Cryto back into them.) Piper: Wanna see what does freeze? (She freezes him.) Prue: Pheebs. Phoebe: "What witches done and them undone, return this spirit and back within, and separate him from his skin." (Cryto unfreezes and he gets separated from his skin and he explodes.) Ouch. That look liked it hurt. Prue: Yeah, well, I hope so for Aunt Gail's sake. Piper: And Helen and Amanda's. [Scene: Manor. Piper opens a box and brand new boots are in there.] Piper: Very nice. Prue: Well, we thought you might appreciate a pair without demon blood. Piper: I do, very much. Thank you. Prue: So Piper, uh, Phoebe and I were kind of wondering... Phoebe: Because we want you to be happy. Prue: Very happy. Phoebe: But we were wondering if we should be budgeting for more shoes or not. Piper: Well, I wish I could tell you getting my powers back made me appreciate what I lost... Phoebe: But... Piper: But I feel like I'm back we're I started. I mean, I understand what you guys are saying and everything but I can't change the way I feel. Phoebe: So you really are quitting? Piper: I want to for all the reasons we already talked about but, um, I'm only gonna do that if and when you guys want to also. Phoebe: Well, I'm always gonna wanna be a witch. That's for sure. Prue: She's young. Phoebe: Oh, give me a break. Piper: Alright, I gotta go. Phoebe: Good luck. (Piper leaves.) Oh, poor Dan. So do you think we should worry? Prue: No, he'll be alright. Phoebe: I mean, about Piper quitting. Prue: Oh, maybe. (Phoebe shows Prue her glasses.) You little liar. You did go see the optometrist. Phoebe: Yeah, well, let's just say I'm not as concerned with my vanity anymore. (She puts on her glasses.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper and Dan are sitting on the couch in the corner of the room.] Dan: You hungry? Piper: Um, no, unless you are. Dan: No, I'm fine. What? Piper: I was thinking that it just seemed like yesterday you moved in next door and we... you know. Dan: Piper, you don't have to do this. Piper: Do what? Dan: Go through this big explanation. I think I know what you wanted to talk to me about. You're breaking up with me aren't you? Is it because of Leo? I'm sorry. It's really none of my business. Piper: Dan, I will always love you, this doesn't change that. You've been really good to me and treated me incredibly well but I need to try and make this work with Leo and it may not, I don't know. We've never really given it a shot and I want to, I have to. I'm so sorry. Dan: You don't have to be. You're just being honest with me. We're still gonna be neighbours though, right? Piper: We better be more than that. (Dan kisses her on the forehead.) Dan: Well, I guess I better go. (Dan grabs his coat and walks away.)

Plan: A: a dilemma; Q: What does Gail have on her hands? A: two; Q: How many friends did Gail summon the demon with? A: Cryto; Q: What is the name of the demon? A: Gail; Q: Who betrayed the sisters? A: their powers; Q: What do the sisters want back? A: her mind; Q: What does Piper change? A: Dan; Q: Who does Piper break up with? Summary: An old friend of Grams comes to see the Halliwell sisters with a dilemma on her hands: she and two other friends apparently summon by accident a demon named Cryto. However, Prue, Piper, and Phoebe soon discover that Gail betrayed them with a promise from the demon of eternal health, beauty and youth. As they plot to get their powers back, Piper announces that she doesn't want them back, fearing that she's missing out on a normal life, but luckily, Prue and Phoebe get her to change her mind. Piper breaks up with Dan.

UNDERWORLD BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part One Running time: 22:36 [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: We've stopped. K9: Affirmative. LEELA: We've stopped dead. K9: Negative dead. LEELA: Oh. Doctor! DOCTOR: Hmm? LEELA: We've stopped. DOCTOR: Really? LEELA: I mean, everything's still working. Nothing's gone wrong, has it? DOCTOR: Not so far, no. LEELA: Then why have we stopped? Why are we not going anywhere? DOCTOR: That's intensely interesting. Do you realise there's nowhere to go? LEELA: What? DOCTOR: We're on the edge of the cosmos, the frontiers of creation, the boundary between what is and isn't, or isn't yet, anyway. Don't you think that's interesting? LEELA: I suppose so. DOCTOR: What? I feel just like a goldfish looking out on a new world. LEELA: A goldfish? DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: But it's just black nothing out there, and being out here on our own is just, just nothing. K9: We are not alone. DOCTOR: Nothing? LEELA: Nothing. DOCTOR: Nothing? It's magnificent. Any minute, any second, a whole new world could be born and we'd be the first K9: We are not the first. DOCTOR: Shush. We'd be the first intelligent and semi-intelligent beings to witness the spectacle. K9: We are not alone. DOCTOR: What's he saying? LEELA: I don't know. K9: We are not the first. We are not alone. Receptors indicate pulsing. Pulsing characteristic of ion drive system. The inference therefore would be spacecraft in vicinity. DOCTOR: Shush, shush. Where, K9, where? K9: Thirty four seven zero one seventeen fifty zero five. DOCTOR: Thirty four seven? That's beyond visual aid range. DOCTOR: Listen, Leela. Listen! Ion drive, or I'm a budgie's cousin. K9: Affirmative ion drive. Family grouping negative. DOCTOR: Shut up, K9. Shut up. LEELA: Doctor! DOCTOR: I can tell him to shut up if I want to. LEELA: No, no, no. Look! DOCTOR: What? DOCTOR: Leela. LEELA: What? DOCTOR: That's a spiral nebula. A gas cloud coalescing to form a whole new star system. It's sucking in everything around it like a gigantic whirlpool, including us. LEELA: Is that good? DOCTOR: No, it's bad. Very bad. DOCTOR: Time to get out of here. K9, escape coordinates. K9: Thirty four seven zero one seventeen fifty zero five. LEELA: But isn't that where the ion drive is? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] TALA: Nothing up front, Captain. Only the spiral nebula on two four zero. JACKSON: Right, Tala. Stay on watch. Orfe, check the nebula, two four zero. ORFE: Two four zero, checking. Too far off, sir. JACKSON: Then what was it? Tala, take out the nebula. Herrick? HERRICK: Nothing on targeter, sir. There's no blip, nothing. JACKSON: Right, let's think it again. It wasn't inside, it wasn't outside, none of us saw anything, we've got no trace, but we all heard it, didn't we? ORFE & HERRICK: Yes, sir. JACKSON: Let's hear it again, Orfe. JACKSON: Now, was that sound generated inside the ship or outside? Anybody ever hear anything like that before? ORFE & HERRICK: No, sir. JACKSON: Run it through ident. ORFE: Sir. Ident running, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: The air is stale. DOCTOR: Hmm. LEELA: The door's locked. Nobody's been in here for years. DOCTOR: No. DOCTOR: Made in Minyos. Made in Minyos? Got it! The Minyans of Minyos. This could be a Minyan patrol vessel. Have you ever heard of the Flying Dutchman? LEELA: No. DOCTOR: Pity, I've often wanted to know who he was. K9, could you give me a date on that, do you think? K9: Isotope decay rate indicates one hundred K range. DOCTOR: Yes, that's what I thought. LEELA: Me too. DOCTOR: That's a hundred thousand years old. The Minyan civilisation was destroyed a hundred thousand years ago, on the other side of the universe. [SCENE_BREAK] ORFE: Ident concluded, sir. Signal identified as relative dimensional stabiliser in materialisation phase as used in JACKSON: As used in what? Orfe, as used in what? ORFE: As used in the time ships of the gods. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It was what happened on Minyos that led to our policy of non-intervention. LEELA: Huh? DOCTOR: Yeah. Well, the Minyans thought of us as gods, you see, which was all very flattering and we were new at space-time explorations, so we thought we could help. We gave them medical and scientific aid, better communications, better weapons. LEELA: What happened? DOCTOR: Kicked up out at gunpoint. Then they went to war with each other, learnt how to split the atom, discovered the toothbrush and finally split the planet. LEELA: So this ship must have got away before the planet was destroyed. DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: That was a hundred thousand years ago. Nobody lives for a hundred thousand years. Do they? [SCENE_BREAK] ORFE: If it is the gods, they'll help us. Help us with the Quest. HERRICK: Help us? Like they helped us before? Helped to destroy ourselves. No, if it is the gods, and there's no way of telling because that ident is as worn out as everything else on board the ship, but if it is the gods then they're the reason for it all. JACKSON: The reason for all what, Herrick? HERRICK: Well, everything! The Quest. They're playing games with us. Oh, they do, you know. The gods use us for their sport. We should have wiped them out when we had the chance. ORFE: We brought our own destruction on ourselves. HERRICK: Pacifist! If I get one of them in my sights again, then I'll dematerialise him for good. If they're on board this ship, then I'll sniff them out! JACKSON: Herrick! Sit down. HERRICK: Sir? Yes, sir. JACKSON: Time for the next sweep, Tala. Set up for the next sweep. TALA: Yes, sir. ORFE: Two four zero and cubit. TALA: Four zero and cubit. ORFE: It's going to take us close to the nebula, Captain. JACKSON: I know, but we have no choice. The Quest is the Quest. ORFE: The Quest is the Quest. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You all right, K9? K9: Affirmative. LEELA: What happened? DOCTOR: Trouble. LEELA: I know that. DOCTOR: Blast the door, K9. K9: Blaster malfunction. Blaster malfunction. Blaster malfunction. Blaster malfunction. LEELA: What is this thing? DOCTOR: It's a Liebermann laser. Fires charged particles along a laser beam. Don't ever play with strange weapons, Leela. LEELA: No, Doctor. DOCTOR: And switch the safety catch off. LEELA: Yes, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Shush. LEELA: Shush. DOCTOR: Shush. [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: Take her off the flight deck! HERRICK: Yes, sir. JACKSON: Levelled out. ORFE: Nothing on rudder, sir. She's stuck, stuck on maximum. JACKSON: Do what you can. Can you shut down on drive? ORFE: We can, but it won't reduce her speed. She's already reached maximum. JACKSON: Reverse thrust? ORFE: Tear the ship in two, sir. JACKSON: Right, give her all you can on left main and auxiliaries. Shut down on all right propulsion units. ORFE: Yes, sir. JACKSON: We've got to veer off before we hit the gravity field or that thing will suck us down like a whirlpool! [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: How is she? HERRICK: She's not good, sir. She's gone past her regeneration point deliberately, just like all the others. JACKSON: None of us likes it, but the Quest is the Quest. DOCTOR: Anything I can do? How do you do? JACKSON: Who are you? DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. HERRICK: How did you get here? DOCTOR: Hmm? Well, through the door. HERRICK: He's one of them! LEELA: Stop! HERRICK: See, sir? They're on board. I warned you, they're on board! JACKSON: Orfe. LEELA: Thank you. HERRICK: Go on, get back! Get back to that panel. And you, too, get back. I'll take them out now, sir. Just one quick blast. JACKSON: Calmly, Herrick. Wait for the word of command. Just a minute. You, Doctor, you said you wanted to help? DOCTOR: Yes, if I can, yes. JACKSON: Are you a Time Lord? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm a Time Lord. HERRICK: It was lies, all lies. He said he was a doctor! JACKSON: Orfe. HERRICK: Thank you, Orfe. HERRICK: I'm sorry, friend. DOCTOR: That's all right. What happened to her? JACKSON: She collapsed. We know what to do. DOCTOR: Well, if you know what to do, why don't you do it? JACKSON: Herrick, take Tala to regen now. HERRICK: Yes, sir. LEELA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes? LEELA: His name is Orfe. DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: What a beautiful name. JACKSON: Orfe, look after her then get back to your post. ORFE: Yes, sir. LEELA: Orfe. DOCTOR: So you did develop the pacifier. JACKSON: Very few, and too late. DOCTOR: How long does the effect last? JACKSON: Is she a primitive? DOCTOR: Oh, very, very. JACKSON: Well, several hours then. DOCTOR: Really. JACKSON: You say you're a doctor? DOCTOR: Yes. JACKSON: Of medicine? DOCTOR: Oh, many things, many things. JACKSON: Crystalocybernetics? DOCTOR: My dear chap, what's the problem? JACKSON: That is. JACKSON: And this. It's worn out. DOCTOR: How much time have we got? JACKSON: We haven't. We're already in the gravitational field. We could burn our way out if we had the main systems working. That's the problem. Terminal cores are fragmented. DOCTOR: Mind if I take a look? JACKSON: We've been in mission a hundred thousand years, Doctor. The ship wasn't designed for that. Neither were we. Each one of us has regenerated a thousand times. Have you any idea what that means? DOCTOR: Well, I've been through it two or three times. Not pleasant. JACKSON: A thousand times plus, Doctor. None of us wants to go on, but we must. The Quest is the Quest. But now we're like the ship, degenerating faster than we can regenerate ourselves. Not the body, not the mind, but the spirit. JACKSON: A ship of ghosts, Doctor, going on and on and unable to remember why. DOCTOR: It's had it, I'm afraid. JACKSON: What? DOCTOR: I'm sorry. JACKSON: Then it's over. It's over at last. DOCTOR: Tell me about this Quest. JACKSON: It was a missing spaceship, the P7E. We get signals from it, we track it and lose it, track it and lose it. DOCTOR: But surely after all this time there won't be any survivors. JACKSON: Probably not. DOCTOR: So? JACKSON: It was carrying colonists. DOCTOR: Ah. Does the P7E have regeneration too? JACKSON: No, the P7E was carrying something much more important, at least to us. The future of the Minyan race, our genetic inheritance. DOCTOR: A race bank. Hmm. JACKSON: The chance for a new people on a new planet. Minyos Two. Well, that was the theory. DOCTOR: Hmm. Well, it seems a pity to give up now, after all you've been through. Do you know, there just might be the ghost of a chance, if it's at all compatible. JACKSON: Compatible? DOCTOR: You'll see. K9? Where are you, boy? Come on, heel! K9! JACKSON: What's this? DOCTOR: He's my second best friend, aren't you, K9? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Try this. DOCTOR: Here, K9, feel anything? DOCTOR: Right. From now on, you're in charge. K9, we want to avoid the nebula. It's all yours, K9. You're on. What? K9: On line. In link up. Rudder control positive. Accelerator positive. Ident nav control. All systems ready. K9: Stand by for G loading. All systems positive. [SCENE_BREAK] ORFE: We made it. We've made it, Captain! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well done, K9. What? JACKSON: Tala. Regen was all right, after all. Don't do that again. I know you're exhausted, but the Quest TALA: Is the Quest. Yes, Captain. JACKSON: Right, everybody back on station. Tala, take over from Orfe. Continue with the sweep. HERRICK: Is it a trick, Captain? JACKSON: I don't care what it is. We've got full power on all stations for the first time in I don't know how long. HERRICK: But you know what they're like. He's just setting us up for something worse. JACKSON: Orfe, bring in that signal boost. Tala, two four zero and cubit. Herrick, on tracking. HERRICK: Sir. JACKSON: Full power on two! DOCTOR: Leela. LEELA: What a beautiful man. DOCTOR: Leela! Leela, listen to me. You're primitive. Wild, warlike, aggressive and tempestuous, and bad tempered too. LEELA: I am? DOCTOR: Yes. You're a warrior leader from a warrior tribe. Courageous, indomitable, implacable, impossible LEELA: Right, that's far enough! You stay where DOCTOR: Oh, put it away. You were pacified. LEELA: Pass? DOCTOR: Pacified. LEELA: Pacified? Who did it, hmm? Who did it? I'll kill them. I'll kill them! It was him, wasn't it? (Herrick) ORFE: It was me. LEELA: You? DOCTOR: It's all right, Leela. LEELA: You're laughing at me. DOCTOR: No. LEELA: You're all laughing at me. I'll smash your stupid grins off your stupid faces. HERRICK: Signal on tracker two seven, sir! JACKSON: Boost and ident, Orfe. ORFE (OOV.): Boost and ident, sir. That's it! That's P7E! JACKSON: Lock on nav system. Keep tracking. What bearing? [SCENE_BREAK] ORFE: Two four zero, sir. TALA: Four zero, thrust on maximum. [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: This time we've got a chance. Don't lose her, Tala. Don't lose her now. DOCTOR: Listen, Jackson. Listen. JACKSON: Quiet, please. Don't lose her now, Tala. DOCTOR: Jackson, two four zero takes us right back into the nebula. JACKSON: That's right. If that's where P7E is, that's where we go. DOCTOR: But that could mean destruction. JACKSON: No, Doctor, it'll mean the end of the Quest. If P7E went in there, so can we. DOCTOR: But P7E didn't go in there. She couldn't have! She must have been there at the beginning and the nebula formed around her. HERRICK: How does he know that? DOCTOR: It's elementary physics. The still centre of a raging storm. P7E might be in there and she might be safe, but if you go in after her, it could mean destruction. JACKSON: Doctor, if P7E is there, we must find her. That is our purpose. Destruction is a chance we take. The Quest is the Quest. DOCTOR: Jackson, I can't allow that. JACKSON: You can't allow it? You have no choice. DOCTOR: What? K9, stop. LEELA: Let him go! JACKSON: Don't move. K9: Query stop. Stop what? Instruction, please. Instruction. JACKSON: Doctor, tell it we're going on. DOCTOR: We're going on, K9. K9: Affirmative. JACKSON: Right, everybody up on the flight deck. Move. HERRICK: You. Quickly. JACKSON: Herrick, carbo-magnetic seat lock. HERRICK: Sir. JACKSON: Now, Tala, don't lose that signal. Don't lose it now. [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: Heat shield. DOCTOR: Jackson, listen to me. This is hopeless. LEELA: What's happening? DOCTOR: We're being sucked through a layer of meteorites. They're smashing us to pieces. LEELA: What? DOCTOR: I said they're smashing us to piece LEELA: (quietly) They are? JACKSON: Damage report? TALA: I think we've lost left and right ancillaries. ORFE: And solar sail, plus all external antennae, sir. HERRICK: The hull's taken a battering, but the self-sealer pumps are still working. TALA: Main drive's positive. ORFE: On course and signal holding. TALA: Major systems functional. JACKSON: Right, we go on. Lower heat shield. Take her on manual. ORFE: Signal fading, sir. TALA: No visibility. We're losing acceleration. JACKSON: Full boost on both. TALA: Full power and we're still slowing down. ORFE: Signal going. Signal gone. TALA: We've lost acceleration. Maintaining orbital speed. No acceleration. We're drifting. JACKSON: Main systems functional. Then why aren't we moving? DOCTOR: Don't you know? What's the normal hull thickness? JACKSON: Three metres twenty. DOCTOR: K9! Present hull thickness? K9 (OOV.): Hull thickness seventy metres, increasing. JACKSON: Seventy metres! DOCTOR: We're being turned into a planet. JACKSON: But that's impossible! DOCTOR: No, it's not impossible, Jackson. It's simply gravity. This ship's a large, heavy object surrounded by smaller, lighter, objects. Our gravitational pull is greater than theirs. We attract them. They stick to us. It all snowballs. K9 (OOV.): Eighty metres, increasing. DOCTOR: We're being buried alive. If it wasn't for this layer of debris, the asteroid belt would have smashed us to pieces. Still, you can't have everything, can you. HERRICK: Look at him, sir. He's just laughing at us. JACKSON: Is there a way out? DOCTOR: I don't know. You could try the laser cannon. JACKSON: Blast a tunnel and blow our way out on ion drive? DOCTOR: Mmm. JACKSON: Tala? TALA: It'll take up all our reserve fuel. JACKSON: It's either that or we're stuck here for the rest of eternity. We'll try it. Herrick? HERRICK: Sir. Fire one. Fire two. K9 (OOV.): Ninety metres, increasing. Ninety five metres, increasing. DOCTOR: Carry on, Herrick. TALA: Skin's overheating. The forward hull's buckling. DOCTOR: Carry on, Herrick. TALA: We're melting our own hull. DOCTOR: Herrick, keep on! HERRICK: It's no use! The cannon's disintegrating!

Plan: A: four; Q: How many ancient space travelers from Minyos did the Doctor, Leela, and K-9 encounter? A: Minyos; Q: What is the name of the race that the Doctor and his party encounter? A: their Time Lords encounter; Q: What caused the Minyans to become extinct? A: 1000; Q: How many times have the Minyans been rejuvenated? A: a long 100,000 year old; Q: How old is the Minyan's quest? A: their equally old ship; Q: What is failing? A: a newly forming sun; Q: What is the ship being pulled into? Summary: Materializing at the edge of the cosmos, the frontier of creation, The Doctor, Leela & K-9 encounter four ancient space travelers from Minyos, the first race ever contacted by the Time Lords. All but extinct due to their Time Lords encounter, the Minyans (rejuvenated 1000 times each) have been embarked on a long 100,000 year old quest, searching the universe for the lost race bank of their species to take to a new home world. But their equally old ship is finally failing, succumbing to the gravitational pull of a newly forming sun and taking the Doctor and his party with it.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Klaus: I presume I have the misfortune of speaking to my mother. Esther: I have come to heal our family. Klaus: I'd prefer you both to join me against our mother, but I'll happily settle for one or the other. Esther: It is time you bring Camille in. Marcel: Esther prepared your body for someone to jump into. Finn: She was preparing you for Rebekah. Rebekah: I have the baby, and we're on the run. Esther found us. Elijah: Then she made an offer to make us all mortal again. [Gasps] Elijah: We mustn't let the world ever hurt her. Rebekah: You're right. Davina: Those daggers don't work on Klaus. Kol: It's not impossible to change the dagger itself, so here. Davina: That's a giant diamond. Kol: It's a paragon diamond. Use them to conduct power. Hayley: Klaus, there's something I need to tell you. Klaus: You can tell me on the way. Hayley: Where are we going? Klaus: To see our daughter. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - NEW ORLEANS, DECEMBER 1914 ] ( A group of carolers are singing "Carol of the Bells" around a bonfire outside of a large, old home. Mary-Alice Claire and Kol walk through the front gates of the home, and Mary-Alice stops to quickly set a disembodied head of a porcelain doll on the fence, muttering an unintelligible spell under her breath before they head for the porch. Astrid, who is inside, opens the door to let them in ) Kol: ( takes off his gloves ) Alright, darling. ( Astrid hands him a gas lamp with a smile ) You know what to look for. ( The three split up to search the house. Kol searches through a cabinet of porcelain dolls and several jewelry boxes before finally finding a huge diamond being used as a bottle stopper at the bar ) Kol: ( smiles ) You sly old bat. ( Astrid and Mary-Alice join him in the room ) Clean up. Meet me at the cemetery. This little beauty and I have a date with a dagger. ( Kol leaves the home, but is immediately ambushed by Klaus and Marcel, both of whom are dressed in very fine suits and hats, and who each link arms with Kol as they walk on either side of him ) Klaus: You're looking very dapper this evening, Kol! Marcel: Though, gloves without a tail-coat? Unusual, wouldn't you say, Klaus? Klaus: I would! Unless, of course, the gloves are utilitarian in nature... Kol: ( annoyed ) I didn't realize you two lovebirds were so interested in fashion. Klaus: Oh, I can take it or leave it. Mayor Burman, on the other hand, now, his style is impeccable. Especially under present duress. ( Marcel and Klaus stop walking when they reach the outside of the gate, where a young woman in all black is waiting nearby ) You know, he came to me, very concerned about the rash of thefts in the city. So, I put Marcel on it. Marcel: And, after a little digging, I formed a theory as to our culprit. So, we followed our suspect... Klaus: ( picks up where Marcel left off ) And he led us here, to the mansion of the recently-deceased Dowager Folean. You know, she's famous for her collection of rare and priceless jewels. Most notably, of course, the perfect paragon diamond. ( Klaus and Marcel both glare at Kol, who remains silent ) Hand it over, Kol. ( Kol, visibly angry, digs into his pocket and pulls out the diamond before handing it to Klaus ) Klaus: ( examines the diamond ) Hmm. ( He nods at the woman behind him, who reveals herself to be a witch when she starts to chant a spell. She then turns the porcelain doll head on the fence so it is facing toward the house. Suddenly, the door starts to rattle as Mary-Alice and Astrid desperately try to get out ) Klaus: ( to Kol ) Oh, I wouldn't both waiting for them. You see, those women will never leave that house again. Merry Christmas, brother. ( Klaus and Marcel take their leave, while Mary-Alice and Astrid continue to pound furiously against the front door of the mansion ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON SAFE HOUSE - ARKANSAS ] ( Rebekah is hanging a festive wreath on the front door of their safe house. When she returns inside, she finds Elijah leaning against the fireplace, thinking ) Rebekah: ( cheerful ) Well, isn't this place rather nice! ( She picks up a bottle of wine and examines it ) Nik must have compelled a wine-lover to keep it up, because I found a 2005 bordot! ( She holds it up to show Elijah, but he does not seem pleased ) Fancy a sip? Elijah: I appreciate the sentiment, Rebekah, but I do recognize when I'm being handled with kid gloves. Rebekah: ( sighs and sets down the wine ) How are you feeling? Elijah: ( turns to her ) Patronized! ( They both look down at Hope, who is laying in her play pen, cooing ) I am here to protect you. Rebekah: I know you mean to, Elijah... Elijah: ( interrupts ) And yet, you find it necessary to render me unconscious before bringing me here? Rebekah: Well, you weren't yourself! And I needed to get us out of that diner. What happened back there? Elijah: ( tense ) I don't know. Niklaus sent me to protect Hope. My job is to keep her safe. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Davina and Kaleb/Kol are performing a spell involving a small cauldron full of a potion and a large straw poppet. The two chant together as they dip the poppet into the contents of the cauldron ) Davina & Kol: ( chant unintelligibly ) Davina: It's finished. But, I'm afraid it's not enough to protect Cami's body from Esther's magic. Kol: I might know a way to distract you from your troubled mind? ( Davina smiles and laughs as Marcel joins them ) Marcel: ( unamused ) You can take this seriously, or I can lock you in a coffin like your brother Finn, if you prefer. Kol: No. No, I'd prefer you to bugger off, because this spell needs time to cook in peace. Marcel: Cami doesn't have time. Esther can jump anybody into her body right now. Kol: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but she's not going to jump anybody. She's going to jump Rebekah, who just happens to be miles away. But, fair dues, Marcel, I think I'd be a bit testy, too, if my old ex was about to jump into my new ex. I think that would be a bit, uh... Cami: ( joins them ) ...Awkward? Kol: ( shrugs ) I was going to say kinky, but... ( Marcel, angry, vamp-speeds toward Kol and grabs him by the collar of his shirt, but Cami pulls him off ) Cami: I appreciate the chivalry, Marcel, but he'll have an easier time protecting me if he's alive. Marcel: ( to Kol ) Keep working. ( Marcel and Cami leave Kol and Davina to their work ) Davina: What is it with you two? Kol: Eh, it gets a bit old, playing odd-man-out in me own family. You know, Klaus, Rebekah, Elijah... they were always a party of three. No room for me at the table, but there always seemed to be room for Marcel. ( He watches as Davina starts cleaning up the herbs and salt from the table ) You know that diamond, the one that I showed you? Davina: ( nods ) Mmhmm. Kol: Well, that was the baby version. The one that we need to do the dagger spell, well, that has to be a lot bigger. A hundred years ago, I had it in my hand, and Marcel ratted me out to Klaus and they took it. He probably bloody well kept it. Davina: ( smiles ) Then, let's steal it back. It's a good chance to snoop! Kol: ( pleased ) It's like you're in my mind, Davina Claire! ( She smiles and laughs cheerfully ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE BAYOU / THE LYCEE ] ( Starlings fly around the woods as Mikael viciously tears apart a werewolf who lays dead on the forest floor. He notices one of the birds as it flies away, and suddenly, Lenore/Esther appears behind him ) Esther: You're making a mess of my werewolf centuries, Mikael. Mikael: ( shocked ) And you're up to your old tricks. ( He stands to his feet and approaches her ) Esther. I've missed you, wife. Have you missed me? Esther: ( sighs impatiently ) As much as you've missed me, I imagine. Mikael: That would explain why you brought your lover back from the Other Side without so much as a thought of me. I will slaughter every single wolf I see until I am taken to the dog you saw fit to bring back from the dead! Esther: You can stop looking for Ansel. Klaus killed him. Klaus may not be your blood, but he certainly has picked up a few things from you along the way... Mikael: ( enraged ) DO NOT MENTION THE b*st*rd SON! Esther: ( amused ) Resolution through violence! You are nothing if not consistent. ( Mikael glares at her furiously ) Go ahead. Strike me. I imagine you've been waiting a thousand years to do so. ( Mikael lunges for her, but she vanishes, revealing that it was only an astral projection of Esther in the woods. In reality, she is in the lycée, and she laughs at Mikael's predictability ) Esther: ( chants ) Aparté, aparabis. ( Mikael growls and turns as Esther reappears behind him ) Esther: Now that you've gotten that out your system, we have things to discuss about our children. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON SAFE HOUSE - ARKANSAS ] ( Elijah is sitting on the porch with Hope, who is sitting in a baby seat. In the yard, Rebekah is setting up firewood ) Rebekah: It's alright, Elijah. She won't break. Everything you did was in the name of protecting her. I'm not worried. ( Elijah picks up Hope and holds her ) Elijah: ( to Hope ) Hi, sweetheart. ( to Rebekah ) Is that what I think it is? Rebekah: ( walks toward Elijah and Hope ) It's bonfire season! And I am reviving a family tradition! Especially since we're all going to be together. Elijah: Only because we're fleeing from one of our deranged parents. Another Mikaelson tradition. It's a peculiar thing, never to be tired, yet forever exhausted by the sameness of things. Why is our family always at war? Rebekah: ( smiles and touches Hope's hand ) I don't know. But, being away with her made me see things differently. ( She lowers her voice as she gently talks to both Hope and Elijah ) We're not so bad. We're not the monsters that our parents think we are. ( Suddenly, Klaus and Hayley's black SUV speeds down the driveway, and Klaus barely has time to park before Hayley rushes out of the car and sprints toward Rebekah, Elijah and her daughter. She stops in her tracks as soon as she sees her, as though she can't believe her eyes. Rebekah and Elijah both smile at her as Klaus catches up with them, and Elijah wastes no time handing a smiling Hope to Hayley ) Hayley: ( to Hope ) Hi! ( Hayley hugs Hope tightly and breaths a sigh of relief. Behind her, Klaus is near tears and too overwhelmed to move. Hayley, unable to meet Elijah's eye, turns so Klaus can see his daughter as well. Hope coos happily, and Klaus and Hayley both laugh as they smother her with kisses ) ( After the break, the Mikaelsons discuss the newest revelations they've just learned while they continue to build the bonfire ) Rebekah: Curse on the first-born? What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? Klaus: Well, according to Finn, our sister Freya didn't die of plague. She was taken as payment by our aunt Dahlia, who then cursed all Mikaelson first-borns for eternity. Hayley: ( concerned ) Is any of this true? Elijah: It is if we are to believe Finn, who learned it from the bastion of truth, our mother. Rebekah: Well, no wonder Finn hates us. He lost the sister he adored, and instead got a judgy pack of siblings who found him unbearably dull. Hayley: Great. So, is there any chance of us running into your loony aunt Dahlia any time soon? Elijah: The fable's over a thousand years old. Dahlia is long dead. Hayley: ...Like Esther? Klaus: No one's going to hurt Hope, because no one's going to find her. ( beat ) There's enough wood, Rebekah. You'll burn down the whole bloody state of Arkansas. Rebekah: ( rubs her hands together ) Well, we're just missing a key ingredient! Klaus: ( sighs ) No, we're not. Rebekah: Yes, we are, Nik! Back me up, Elijah! Elijah: ( laughs ) I suspect Niklaus would rather choke on the ashes. Hayley: ( confused ) What are you all talking about? Rebekah: Well, before we light it, we write down our wishes for each other to burn for luck! It was Kol's favorite part when we were kids! Klaus: It's further evidence as to why we should ignore it! Hayley: Hope's first bonfire season. I like it! ( She smiles ) We're doing it! ( Hayley rushes inside for paper. Rebekah, pleased, turns to her brothers and smiles smugly ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Marcel has found Cami in the room where they are keeping Vincent/Finn's locked coffin ) Marcel: ( smiles ) You ditched me. Cami: You have my fake therapist locked in that coffin. What better way to spend my potential final hours. ( She rubs her neck anxiously, but Marcel squeezes her shoulder comfortingly ) Marcel: Try not to think about it. Cami: I can't help it, Marcel. At any moment, I could cease to exist. And, the one person who can make a difference is ten feet away, and locked in a box. I need to talk to him! Marcel: You're not talking to Finn! Cami: Maybe he'll listen? Maybe he'll... call his mom off? It's a million to one, but it's better than doing nothing. ( She heads for the coffin, but Marcel follows after her ) Marcel: I said no, Cami. Cami: Marcel, I am hours away from someone taking control of my body. I highly suggest you avoid trying to control me between now and then. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON SAFE HOUSE - ARKANSAS ] ( Klaus is holding Hope and sitting at the dining room table when Hayley comes in with notebook and pencils to write their wishes ) Hayley: ( hands him the supplies ) Here. Klaus: ( doesn't take his eyes off of Hope ) I'm holding a small child, Hayley. This silly wish game will have to wait! Hayley: ( smiles ) You write, I'll hold. Klaus: You do realize it is not I who is to be the husband you can boss around? Hayley: ( smiles even wider ) You do realize that I had to endure horrendous labor and actual death birthing the child that you're holding? ( Klaus chuckles and sighs as Hayley walks over and takes Hope from him ) Hayley: ( to Hope ) Heyyy! Klaus: Fine. ( He picks up the paper and pencil and starts to narrate aloud what he is writing ) "I wish Hayley would tell Elijah you're marrying your werewolf suitor, at which point I will pour him a scotch and congratulate him on the bullet he dodged." ( He rips off the page and hands it out to Hayley, who just glares at him, not amused. She snatches the paper from his hands and crumples it up in a ball before she tosses it on the ground and leaves the room. Klaus smirks, pleased with himself ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Cami is carrying a tea set into the room where Finn is being kept, while Marcel prepares to unlock his coffin ) Marcel: You know, I'm only doing this because it means so much to you. But, if it's not safe, I'm staying. ( Cami turns and gives him a look ) Not to control you! To protect you. Cami: He won't talk to me if you're here, Marcel. And, he's in no shape to pick a fight. ( Marcel shakes his head in frustration and opens the coffin door. Finn, who is severely weakened and still shackled with the enchanted manacles, nearly falls over, so Marcel catches him and deposits him into a chair. Finn looks at them both in confusion, and Cami gives Marcel a pointed look ) Marcel: I'll be outside. ( When Marcel leaves, Cami sits down across from Finn in the other chair ) Cami: ( sighs ) I'm not much of a cook, but I do make a mean grilled cheese. ( She hands him a plate, but he doesn't take it ) Finn: You're a compassionate woman, Camille. It's your fatal flaw, and it will be your downfall. Cami: Well, that got dark fast. ( She laughs awkwardly ) Come on, eat. You must be starving. Finn: I will not be tempted by your beauty, nor will I be blinded by your empathy. Cami: ( rolls her eyes ) You don't leave a girl much wiggle room. I would appeal to your morals, but those seem to be all over the map. Finn: I'm not the one who was sleeping with one vampire while half in love with another. ( Cami looks stunned and offended ) Your morality is a moving target. Mine is not. You believe people can change. You're still seeking out Klaus' redemption, as if that were a thing that was even possible. Elijah seeks it out. Even my own mother seeks it out! But, I do not believe in redemption. I believe in right and wrong. I believe in good. ( He holds up his manacles ) And evil. Cami: ( tries to stay composed ) Maybe in some comic book universe... Finn: ( stands and gets up in her face ) You don't even see it, but I'm trying to help people like you! Cami: I don't believe you. Finn: ( furious ) And that is to your peril, because when I'm free, I will not stop until every single vampire in New Orleans has ceased to exist! And, I will show no mercy to anyone who dare stand with them! ( He pulls the chain to his manacles taut and holds them up to Cami's throat, as if he wanted to choke her with them ) Not even you. ( He finally backs away from her, and Cami, frightened, hops out of her chair and rushes out of the room. Marcel passes her and walks back into the room ) Cami: Lock him back up. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON SAFE HOUSE - ARKANSAS ] ( Elijah is out on the porch of the safe house, stacking up firewood, when he suddenly starts getting flashbacks to his red-door dream again. In the flashback, Hayley, in a white dress, rushes toward the red door and furiously pounds on it as a bloody Elijah chases her. Then, young Elijah takes a stake and kills adult Elijah with it in the woods. He's broken out of his vision by Rebekah, who has joined him on the porch ) Rebekah: ( concerned ) Elijah. ( She hands him a handkerchief to wipe his hands ) Here. Elijah: ( shaky ) Thank you. Rebekah: What is it you see when you go away like that? Elijah: Things I've done. Images of who I was. ( He returns the handkerchief ) It's a lovely gift from Mother. I can't turn it off. I suppose it's her way of demonstrating I'd be better off taking her deal. Rebekah: To leave your body behind? Elijah: To start over. To live a mortal life. Have a child of my own, if I choose. Rebekah: Cursed as your first-born, if we're to believe the story. Elijah: Not if I am no longer Mikaelson blood. You see, this is the beauty of Mother, Rebekah, sometimes even her darkest deeds possess a logic that is difficult to refute. Rebekah: It's a lovely fantasy, Elijah. Elijah: Rebekah, you and I both know what Mother is capable of. Now, I do wonder, if she would relent and leave us be... ( He cuts himself off and sighs, licking his lips anxiously before he lowers his voice ) What if all that Mother needs is a victory? Rebekah: Let her find it somewhere else! Besides, she wants all three of us. Elijah: She has Kol, she has Finn. Now, perhaps, in the end, a simple majority will do? ( Rebekah considers this for a moment and sighs, clearly unhappy with this idea ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Davina and Kol are searching through the compound in search of the paragon diamond. While they dig around in dressers in one of the bedrooms, Davina finds an old framed photograph of Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, Kol and Marcel from 1914 in the bottom of a drawer ) Davina: ( smiles and shows the photo to Kol ) Is this you? Kol: ( examines the photo ) I was a lot better looking back then. Davina: ( giggles ) You wish! ( She looks at the photo ) What about Rebekah? You never talk about her. Kol: Well, there's not much to say, really. She was always their girl. There was one time, though, she did me a solid. Back in Christmas, 1914. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - NEW ORLEANS, DECEMBER 1914 ] ( The Mikaelsons were hosting a Christmas party at the compound. Rebekah, in a red party dress, opens the doors to Klaus' bedroom to find Kol searching through his closet ) Rebekah: Do you insist on pilfering before cocktails? Kol: Nik stole something that belongs to me. I'm simply taking it back. Rebekah: ( smiles ) And I'm simply going to tell Nik! ( She turns to leave, but Kol rushes after her to stop her ) Kol: Wait! ( Rebekah turns toward him, and Kol sighs ) What if I said I'm close to finishing a dagger that would work on him? Rebekah: You wouldn't dare use it. Kol: Why? It's no more than he's done to us. And you've suffered at his hands more than anyone! And, it's not like we'd be killing him. Just giving you some time to be with Marcel. Rebekah: ( stunned ) You're entirely serious. Kol: Haven't we both earned the right to live out of his shadow? Are you with me, sister? Rebekah: ( considers this for a moment ) You can count me in. But, do hurry downstairs, and throw on one of Nik's jackets. He'll notice your absence if you're late. ( Kol, thrilled to have Rebekah's allegiance, smiles at her ) [ END FLASHBACK ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON SAFE HOUSE - ARKANSAS ] ( Elijah, Hayley, and Klaus are outside with Hope, where Klaus has just lit a match to light the bonfire. Rebekah rushes outside to join them ) Rebekah: Hey! Look what I found! ( She holds up a Polaroid camera ) I wonder if it'll work. Klaus: ( sighs ) Oh, bloody hell. Rebekah: Come on, let's try it! Hey, Nik, do you think you can cram us all into a selfie? Elijah: Oh, Niklaus is a virtuoso at cramming his siblings into confined spaces. Klaus: Well, I'm just glad I traveled hundreds of miles to visit my mentally ill brother, only to have him insult me to my face! Rebekah: Oh, come on, just take the picture! ( Klaus sighs and holds up the camera to take a picture of the five of them together. Everyone in smiling, Hope including, except for Klaus, who remains blank-faced. They all watch as the photo develops ) Rebekah: Aw, see? I wish that it could always be like this. Elijah: If wishes were horses... Klaus: ...Beggars would ride. ( They all look happily at the photograph, but Klaus suddenly sighs ) You realize we'll have to burn it. You want me to make a wish for the family, Rebekah? I wish it didn't have to be like this. But, it does. ( He hands the photo to Hayley ) We can't risk it falling into the wrong hands. ( Hayley and Elijah look at each other, both visibly sad, and Hayley takes a good, long look at the photo before reluctantly throwing it into the bonfire ) Rebekah: ( sad and angry ) No! This isn't right. We deserve this. We've earned this. ( She looks at Elijah, who looks unhappy ) I won't let it slip away. ( Hayley and Klaus both look at her, confused and concerned ) I know what to do to stop Esther. Elijah: ( tense ) Rebekah, no... Rebekah: I'm going to take her deal. And, when I do, I'm taking her down with me. ( Rebekah and Klaus stare at each other, and Rebekah gulps anxiously ) ( After the break, Hayley sits in the rocking chair on the front porch, giving a hungry Hope her bottle. Inside the house, Rebekah, Elijah, and Klaus are discussing Rebekah's idea ) Rebekah: It'll work. She will be distracted during the spell. She'll be vulnerable. Klaus: No. If we kill her, she body-jumps. Rebekah: Then stop her from jumping! Klaus: If I knew how to bloody stop her from jumping, don't you think I would have happily murdered her ages ago? Rebekah: Well, ages ago, you didn't have a Harvest girl or a Mikaelson witch. Kol knows all of her tricks. Elijah: Now, you're both insane. Rebekah: Hardly, Elijah. It was your idea! You're the one who said she needed a win, and if we get this right, then she'll have one. Elijah: ( stressed ) And if we get it wrong, you're no longer in your own body! Rebekah: Would that be the worst thing? You were ready to do it yourself. ( Klaus looks at Elijah, surprised and concerned at this revelation ) Elijah: It was a foolish moment, and one that you sagely dissuaded me from. Rebekah: Hopefully, we'll get lucky and stop the spell before I jump. Klaus: And, if we're not, you'll get what you always wanted. ( Rebekah swallows nervously ) I mean, that's what you're saying, isn't it? You're willing to lose. Rebekah: I'm willing to risk losing, yes. Klaus: ( sighs ) Well, we need to find someone for her to jump into. Someone anonymous. Someone who could disappear with Hope. Elijah: Rebekah, we've been together for centuries. If you were human... Rebekah: ( rolls her eyes ) When I'm old and wrinkly, you can dump me back into my old body. Nik already has a coffin he can store me in. Elijah: ( crosses his arms ) But, to trust Kol? Rebekah: It's not about trust, Elijah. It's about finding the proper leverage. Klaus: She's right. Kol will do what's best for Kol; We just have to meet his price. ( Klaus pulls out his phone and dials a number ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Marcel and Kol are discussing Kol helping Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah with their plan ) Kol: I'd be happy to help! Marcel: In exchange for what? From all the sneaking around today, you're clearly in need of something. Kol: If you want me to find a new body for Rebekah, I want the Folean diamond you stole from me back in 1914. Marcel: ( laughs ) And what do you plan to do with it? Kol: Does it matter? Marcel: Well, it would matter to Klaus. Kol: ( smirks ) You see, I could fib here, but I want to be on the up about it. I need a weapon I can use to protect myself against Klaus, and the diamond helps me make it. ( Marcel looks at him suspiciously ) It's not to kill him, it's simply a matter of self-defense. Only to be used out of absolute necessity. ( Marcel nods in understanding as he considers this offer ) It's a fair trade, Marcel. We get free of my whackadoodle mum, I acquire the means by which to defend myself against a volatile brother, should the need arise, and, uh, if all goes well, perhaps you'll let me near Davina without bodily harm. So, should I call him back, or should you? [SCENE_BREAK] [ ON THE ROAD ] ( It's night, now, and Klaus and Rebekah are driving back to New Orleans to enact their plan against Esther ) Rebekah: You are mad to give Kol that diamond. Klaus: Our little brother has been plotting against me for years, and he hasn't got a lick of it right. I'll take my chances. ( beat ) Do you know what to do? Rebekah: ( takes a deep breath ) Yes. But, if it doesn't go to plan, will you handle my body with care, please? I may miss the old model. Klaus: If everything goes south, I'll be there to pull you out. We just have to take Esther down before she body-jumps. I don't want all of this to have been for nothing. Rebekah: ( smiles ) You and I on the same team. It must be Christmas. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON SAFE HOUSE - ARKANSAS ] ( Hayley walks into the living room, where Elijah is sitting by the fireplace, and stops in the doorway ) Hayley: She's asleep. ( Elijah looks up at her ) It's so quiet, with Klaus and Rebekah gone. ( She pauses ) So, we didn't get to say our wishes. Can I tell you mine? ( Elijah looks at her quizzically ) It's a hope, actually... that you'll understand what I have to tell you. Elijah: ( confused ) And what is it? Hayley: My wolves. I think I figured out a way to release them from the witches. ( Elijah stands, surprised ) They could control their turning without the rings, and bring peace to our home so that Hope could return to us. But, there's a catch... I have to marry Jackson. ( Elijah is completely stunned speechless ) It's a, um, mystical ceremony, and-and an alpha bonding ritual...? ( Elijah turns toward the window, and Hayley walks closer to him ) Elijah... I know that you and I haven't been close recently, but... you have to know that this isn't about him. I don't love Jackson, but... at the same time, I couldn't marry him and still be involved with you. ( Hayley looks overwhelmed ) I don't know, I should just... ( She turns to leave, but Elijah rushes after her and grabs her by the arm to turn her toward him. He reaches around her waist and pulls her toward him so he can kiss her passionately, a kiss which Hayley returns. After a moment, he pulls away ) Elijah: ( quietly ) Marry him. Hayley: ( dazed ) What? Elijah: ( brushes a lock of hair off of Hayley's face and cups her face in his hands ) Listen to me, the only way that this city will be safe for Hope's return is if you have unified your people, and I have unified my own. Now, Davina will eventually lead her witches, and whatever that girl may be, she is no enemy to your child. Do what you need to bring your daughter home. This is my wish for you. ( Hayley slowly reaches up and caresses Elijah's face with her hand. They stare at each other for a long moment before they both lunge for each other and start kissing even more passionately. Elijah picks her up and wraps her legs around his waist before vamp-speeding them against the bookshelf, where he pulls off Hayley's jacket. Hayley unknots his tie and rips his shirt open as he pulls down the straps of her dress, and eventually moves them over to the coffee table, where he lays Hayley so they can make love ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Kol has just returned to the compound to update Marcel and Davina on their plan with Klaus and Rebekah ) Kol: Done! As per your request. Miss Angelica Barker. Good cheekbones and a tummy you can bounce a quarter off! She will be Rebekah's new host body, instead of Cami. ( Cami walks downstairs to join them ) Davina: Who's Angelica Barker? Marcel: One of my vampire potentials. Had to turn her down. She was too lost. Cami: ( nervous ) Does she know what's about to happen to her? Kol: It's better when they don't know, love. Marcel: ( sighs ) Hopefully, we won't have to use her. Kol: Hopefully. But, then, my mother is a wiley and vindictive woman. Which is why I've got to ask something else of you. Marcel: ( confused ) You're already getting the diamond. Kol: Which I'm thrilled about. But, in order for me to help you, I need access to my mother's hourglass... which is in the lycée. With my mother. Marcel: So? Kol: Well, I haven't been back in a while, and the only way she won't suspect me is if I bring back the thing that I was sent to find. Marcel: And that thing is...? Kol: ...The white oak stake. Marcel: Are you out of your mind? Davina: ( not pleased ) Kaleb! Kol: Look, it's the only way she's gonna trust me! She doesn't want to kill them, she just wants to make sure that the weapon doesn't fall into the wrong hands. ( Marcel and Davina both look unhappy and uneasy about this revelation ) I swear, as soon as she's gone, I'll give it right back to Klaus. Marcel: Like hell you will. Deal's off. ( Suddenly, Klaus arrives home and joins them all in the courtyard ) Klaus: Kol! Whatever grudges you hold against me, we're doing this for the good of our family. Do I have your word that, for once, you will honor that? Kol: You have my word, Nik. Swear on the face of us all. Klaus: ( smiles weakly ) I'll get the stake. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE LYCEE ] ( Kol has returned to the lycée, where he has met with Esther and is explaining his absence ) Kol: I wooed her, I won her. It took a while, but in the end, she handed it to me. Esther: ( examines the white oak stake ) When I didn't hear from you, I thought you might be in trouble. Kol: Nope. No trouble. It's just hard to do espionage when you're calling mummy all the time. ( He starts to touch Esther's hourglass ) So, where's Finn? Is he off playing emperor to his merry pack of dogs? Esther: I'm afraid Finn may have fallen into the hands of your brothers. But, I've made a plan to assist him with that dilemma while I continue my search for Rebekah. ( Behind Esther, a dark figure appears. Kol smirks and gestures toward the door ) Kol: Oh, speak of the devil and the devil will come. Hello, sister. Rebekah: ( smiles ) Kol. It really is you. I would know that smirk anywhere. ( Esther turns at the sound of Rebekah's voice and seems surprised to see her. Rebekah approaches them and stands in front of her ) Hello, Mother. I believe you're offering a deal? [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Davina is spreading salt, sand, and herbs around an hourglass on the table in the courtyard to prepare for their spell. She and Marcel explain their plan to Cami ) Davina: ( turns the hourglass ) Kaleb will link this hourglass to Esther's. Ours will mirror hers. Marcel: When the last sand falls, Esther will try to jump her into you. Davina: That's when I'll redirect the spell from you to Esther. It's meant to jam the signal just long enough to keep that kind of magic from working against anyone. Cami: ( anxious ) If it works. Marcel: It'll work! When Rebekah attacks, Esther won't be able to jump her into you, or herself anywhere else. Cami: And we're sure Kaleb is on board? ( Marcel and Davina both nod in confirmation ) Marcel: He's on board. He's a thief and a liar, but, like Elijah, he doesn't give his word lightly. ( Cami continues to look anxious ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE LYCEE ] ( Esther is pouring cups of tea for them as she, Rebekah, and Kol discuss Esther's offer ) Rebekah: You can't possibly expect me to discuss giving up eternal life over tea. ( She points to a nearby shelf ) Give me some of that red over there. Kol: ( amused ) Pff! ( Esther smiles and goes to get the bottle of red wine from the shelf to pour them each a glass ) Rebekah: Well, where's the sales pitch? Esther: I only offer what you already want. Rebekah: And how do you presume to know that? Esther: Elijah's happiest when there's order and music. Klaus, when he's the center of attention and in control. But, you are my only child capable of unfettered joy. ( She hands Rebekah a glass of wine ) And, you're happiest amongst humans. I've seen you yearn for that life. For love. Kol: ( loudly ) And when am I happiest, then, Mother? Esther: ( rolls her eyes and sets her drink on the table to look Kol in the eye ) When you're doing as you're told! ( She holds up the tea tray and hands it to him so he can put it away before she turns back to Rebekah ) Our wishes are aligned in this, my daughter. Mine, to free you from this curse, and yours, to be human. Rebekah: I'd be giving up everything I've ever known for a memory of something I once was. Power for weakness. Strength for frailty. Eternal life for a brief human existence. Esther: ( squeezes Rebekah's arms affectionately ) The choice is simple: another thousand years of never having what you want, or a handful of years when you do. ( Rebekah looks nervous. She glances over at Kol, who is staring at her, before turning back to her mother ) Rebekah: ( takes a deep breath ) Well, then. To the end of an era. I'm in. Esther: ( visibly happy ) Let us begin! ( She turns over her hourglass. Kol, nervous, sits up and casts a brief spell while Esther's back is turned. She and Rebekah toast their wine glasses and each take a long sip ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( The hourglass on the table in the courtyard starts to pour after Kol casts his spell on Esther's own hourglass. Davina, Marcel, and Cami are all watching it intently ) Davina: It's working. ( Cami stands to her feet, nervous ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY / MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( At the cemetary, Esther, Rebekah, and Kol have moved outside to the altar where Genevieve and Monique tried to sacrifice Hope in [i]From a Cradle to a Grave. The hourglass sits on the altar, surrounded by salt and sand in a circle. Esther finishes setting up the spell, and fire suddenly sparks in four metal bowls surrounding her. She then lays the white oak stake on the end of the altar, which makes Rebekah very nervous )[/i] Rebekah: What the bloody hell is that doing here? Esther: As each of you comes to your senses and takes my offer, I will destroy your vampire bodies. Kol: ( confused ) Mother, you said you wanted the stake to protect them! Esther: Yes, but not in their current bodies. Once they accept my offer, I will be righting two wrongs... Rebekah: ( overwhelmed ) No. Esther: ..having brought this evil into the world, then having subjected my own children to it. Rebekah: No, that wasn't the deal! Stop the spell! Esther: The spell is already done! I prepared it to be locked in the moment I turned over the hourglass. ( Kol looks anxiously at Rebekah, who is horrified by this revelation. The sand continues to pour through the hourglass ) ( At the Mikaelson compound, Davina, Marcel, and Cami are still anxiously watching the sand run out of their own hourglass ) Marcel: Now. Davina: Not yet. ( Back at the cemetery, Rebekah is still freaking out about this change in their plans ) Rebekah: Mother, think this through. You gave birth to this body, you can't destroy it! Esther: I am only destroying its flesh! Your beautiful soul will live on in the body of another. ( There is only 4-5 centimeters of sand left in the hourglass ) I have chosen well for you. A beautiful girl. Strong. ( Suddenly, Klaus reveals himself to be standing on the roof of a nearby crypt ) Klaus: MOTHER! Stop the spell! ( He vamp-speeds toward them and stands next to Rebekah ) You and your traitorous son. Kol: ( worried ) Nik, I didn't know anything about it, I swear. Esther: ( realizes what is happening ) Oh, good. I'm glad you two boys are friends again. I did wonder what you'd been up to in your time away. Now, I know. Klaus: ( through gritted teeth ) Stop the blasted spell! Esther: I'm afraid that's impossible. Klaus: Anything is possible. ( He steps in front of Rebekah ) Take me instead. Rebekah: Nik, no! Esther: If only you'd taken my offer when it was still mine to give! Unfortunately, you've left me no choice but to make a... deal with Mikael. Rebekah: ( horrified ) Mikael? ( Klaus and Kol both look mutinous ) Esther: When Finn and Kol went missing, I needed a new ally. ( She looks at Klaus ) All he wanted was the right to kill you. ( Klaus, overwhelmed, turns away from them to think ) Kol, I would ask you to deliver the stake to your father, but it seems your loyalties have been compromised. Klaus: ( turns back to her ) STOP THE SPELL, ESTHER! Rebekah: No, it's okay, Nik. I can do this. ( The sand in the hourglass is even closer to being gone ) Esther: So, you're feeling murderous again. You should know, I've already chosen another body. Kol: ( sees that the sand has almost run out ) NOW! ( Klaus takes an athame off of the altar and stabs Esther in the neck with it. Esther falls to the floor, dead, just as the rest of the sand leaves the hourglass. Klaus looks as though he can't believe what he's just done ) ( At the Mikaelson compound, the rest of the sand leaves their own hourglass ) Marcel: Now! ( Davina closes her eyes and begins to chant. Suddenly, Cami starts to seize, and Marcel rushes over to her to catch her before she falls ) Marcel: Cami? ( At the cemetery, Rebekah starts to seize as well, and Klaus catches her before she can fall ) Klaus: Rebekah! ( Both of the hourglasses explode at the same time, and they all have to dive out of the way to avoid the shards of glass at their respective locations ) ( At the cemetery, Klaus looks over at Kol, looking horrified ) ( At the Mikaelson compoun, Marcel checks on Cami, and looks over at Davina, who looks scared ) Marcel: Did it work? Davina: I have no idea. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUN ] ( Cami has been laid in an armchair in the courtyard, and Davina is sitting at her side, gently brushing her hair off her face. Klaus returns to the compound a moment later, carrying Rebekah's body, which he lays on the couch. In the next room, Marcel has gone to check on Finn, only to find that the lock has been ripped off, and the coffin is open and empty. Back in the courtyard, Davina explains to Klaus what has been happening ) Davina: Cami's not awake yet, either. Marcel: ( rushes in ) When she's up, we gotta get her out of the Quarter. She's not safe here. Someone busted Finn out! Klaus: ( sighs ) My mother is using Mikael to do her dirty work, now. ( Suddenly, Cami awakens with a gasp, and everyone turns to her in concern ) Klaus: ...Camille? Cami: ( looks around and takes in her surroundings ) I suddenly love that stupid name! ( Davina laughs in relief and hugs her. Klaus and Marcel both smile weakly, and turn to check on Rebekah, who is still unconscious. Marcel sits down next to Rebekah and caresses her face with his hand ) Klaus: ( in realization ) I couldn't stop the spell. ( Klaus takes off. Marcel, scared, shouts after him ) Marcel: Please tell me that your mother's dead! Klaus: ( turns back toward him ) Rebekah and I took extra precautions. Esther is exactly where she needs to be. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( Davina and Kol are walking through the Quarter toward the Folean mansion ) Davina: Why are you in such a good mood? Kol: Remember how I said Rebekah had done me a solid back in 1914? Swore she hadn't told Klaus that I was taking the diamond back? I was actually being a bit facetious. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - NEW ORLEANS, DECEMBER 1914 ] ( The Mikaelsons' holiday party is in full swing, and people are milling about the courtyard in their finest outfits. Rebekah is mingling with the guests when she notices a blonde girl standing alone and goes to talk to her ) Rebekah: You're here with my brother. A word of advice? A witch as lovely as you has no business dating Kol. Blonde witch: Oh, it's not really a date. Rebekah: ( touches her arm ) You can do better. ( Rebekah walks up the stairs, where Klaus, Elijah, Kol and Marcel are all drinking champagne and posing for a family photograph. Kol sees the witch down below and raises his glass to her, and she does the same in return. After the photo has been taken, Klaus taps on his glass with a knife to get the party's attention ) Klaus: As you know, when the Mikaelsons arrived in Louisiana, we brought with us the tradition of holiday bonfire season. Now, we invite you chosen few to join us in our family's own tradition of writing wishes for each other and burning them for luck. The holidays are a time for celebrating family, and friends. ( He looks at Marcel ) It is especially gratifying in times when treachery runs deep. ( He looks back at Kol, who looks confused ) To know you have someone you can trust. A toast, to you, my sister. ( Rebekah smiles at him ) Party Guests: To Rebekah! ( Kol, suspicious, starts to head up the stairs to get away from his brothers, but Elijah quickly vamp-speeds after him. When he blocks Kol's path, Kol turns around to find Klaus blocking the exit behind him. Elijah grabs him by the arms and pulls his jacket off, as Klaus calls out to the crowd below ) Klaus: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the disturbance! But, what's a Mikaelson party without a little squabble? ( Klaus pulls out a silver dagger and stabs Kol in the heart with it. Rebekah, who's watching from the stairs, smiles ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PRESENT DAY - THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( Kol and Davina are still walking through the neighborhood ) Kol: I've owed her one for a century. Today, I got to repay that favor. ( Davina looks concerned ) Oh, don't worry, love, I'm not going to hurt me own sister. I didn't exactly prep Angelica Barker, either. I prepped someone else. Davina: ( stunned ) What? Who? Kol: Oh, it's a bit of a story. You see, Klaus didn't just punish me for stealing the diamond, he also punished my witch friends, locking them in the Dowager Folean cottage. Oh, over the decades it's become quite a catch-all for an assortment of odd birds of the witchy variety. I'm sure Rebekah will be very comfortable in a prison created by Klaus. Davina: ( stops walking ) You didn't. Kol: Oh, I did. ( He pulls out the large paragon diamond from his pocket ) Besides, with Rebekah missing, Klaus will occupied so we can finish what we started. ( He hands her the diamond, and she examines it with a smile ) Davina: You swear she's safe? Kol: ( nods ) Perfectly. Since this is the best day I've had in the past two centuries, I've made a wish for you. ( He caresses her face with his hand ) Close your eyes. ( Davina does what she's told, and once her eyes are closed, Kol leans down and kisses Davina on the lips. After a moment, he pulls away, but Davina smiles before she wraps her arms around his neck and starts to kiss him more passionately. He wraps his arms around her waist, and the two make out in front of the Folean mansion ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( In a large crypt full of dozens and dozens of human skulls, Esther wakes up on the floor as Klaus tosses a blood bag next to her. She groans as she tries to get her bearings ) Klaus: ( crosses his arms and smirks ) Hello, Mother. Esther: ( scared ) What have you done? Klaus: You - who sold me to that butcher Mikael like I were nothing more than chattle - ask me what I have done? ( Esther sits up, her hands shaking nervously as Klaus walks toward her ) I've done what every good son does, Mother! I've followed the example of my parents. You taught me exactly how I should treat you. ( Esther looks around the tomb and clutches her chest ) You must be feeling a little twitchy right about now. It's what happens when you're in transition. ( Esther licks her lips and takes notice of the blood bag on the floor next to her ) Esther: ( horrified ) No... ( She becomes angry ) That's not possible! Klaus: Oh, but it is! You see, you might have thought you were one step ahead of us, but the truth is, Rebekah was two ahead of you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - THE LYCEE, EARLIER THAT NIGHT ] ( Esther flashes back to earlier, when she, Kol, and Rebekah were in the lycée, talking about her deal ) Kol: And when am I happiest, then, Mother? Esther: ( rolls her eyes and turns toward him ) When you're doing as you're told! ( While her back is turned, Rebekah bites into her thumb and dribbles a sizable amount of her vampire blood into Esther's wine glass. Later, Esther takes a large sip of it after she and Rebekah toast to their deal ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PRESENT DAY - LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( Esther is completely dumbfounded ) Esther: The wine? Klaus: You died with vampire blood in your system. It's a delicious irony, because, as you know, you cannot be both witch and vampire. ( Esther, horrified and overwhelmed, chokes back a sob ) So, now, you can either be the thing that you hate the most, or you can be dead. ( He walks out of the door of the crypt, but turns back one last time toward his mother ) Your choice. Which is more than you ever gave us. ( Klaus leaves, and Esther starts to cry, sprawled out on the floor of the tomb. She reaches out toward the blood bag on the floor and pulls it toward her ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( Rebekah's body has been laid in her coffin, which is in the room off of the courtyard. Klaus and Marcel walk toward her and look at her sadly. After a moment, Kol joins them, and pulls out the white oak stake to return to Klaus ) Kol: A promise is a promise. ( Klaus smiles and takes the stake from Kol, relieved that he kept his word ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ FOLEAN MANSION ] ( A young woman suddenly awakens with a gasp on a bed inside the abandoned home. She looks at herself in the mirror for a moment, until she starts to hear screaming nearby and leaps off the bed to investigate. She runs down the stairs and toward the doors, desperately trying to break through, but they won't budge ) Rebekah: ( groans ) Let me out! Someone! ( She continues to pound on the doors ) Kol, damn it! ( Maniacal laughter is heard nearby when she turns around ) I'm not meant to be here. ( She pounds harder on the doors ) I'm Rebekah Mikaelson! I'm Rebekah Mikaelson! Let me out, I'm Rebekah Mikaelson! [ END ]

Plan: A: 1914; Q: What year was Kol dating Mary Alice Claire? A: a witch; Q: What was Mary Alice Claire? A: Astrid; Q: Who was Mary Alice Claire's friend? A: a magical object; Q: What did Kol use to teach Mary Alice and Astrid dark magic? A: a coffin; Q: What did Rebekah put Kol in when she found him trying to get the object back? A: a house; Q: What did Kol's family lock Mary and Astrid in? A: present day; Q: When does Kol want Davina's help? A: their daughter; Q: Hayley and Klaus find who? A: Elijah; Q: Who does Hayley make love to? A: a plan; Q: What do Kol and Davina make? A: Cami's body; Q: Who does Davina try to use to stop Esther? A: Cami; Q: Who does Finn choose to be Esther's new body? Summary: In 1914, Kol was dating a witch called Mary Alice Claire, and taught her and her friend Astrid dark magic to use against his family using a magical object. When his family found out he was betraying them, they stole the object, put Kol in a coffin when Rebekah found him trying to get it back and locked Mary and Astrid in a house used by the coven to place insane witches. In present day, Kol wants Davina's help to get the object back. Hayley and Klaus find their daughter and spend time with her. Hayley and Elijah make love. Kol kisses Davina. They make a plan to stop Esther with Kol which involves making her think Rebekah wants to switch bodies. Davina tries to stop Esther using Cami's body (chosen by Finn) and place her in the body of another (chosen by Kol). Rebekah makes Esther a vampire, but finds Kol hasn't forgiven her in helping to stop him steal the object and betrays her by placing her soul in the body of a witch.

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom on the shoulders of a young boy. His name ... Merlin. " KING ODIN'S CASTLE Myror is a feared assassin who is well-known for his efficiency. King Odin has got to kill Arthur and has gotten away from his death. Kelda (to King Odin ): My Lord, he is here. Myror enters the room King Odin : You are Myror? Legend has you are the most feared assassin in all the known lands. Tell me, are you as ruthless as they say you are? You would kill anyone? Myror : I have killed many people. They are all the same to me. King Odin : Are you prepared to kill royalty? Myror : My Lord, you would be dead on the spot. King Odin's knights unsheathe their swords. Myror kills two of them and spares another one's life. King Odin (impressed) : I want you to kill the man who murdered my son. I want you to kill Arthur Pendragon. [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] CAMELOT, TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Merlin : That has got to hurt. Arthur : That's the point, Merlin. It's not a pillow fight. Fetch me another lance, will you? Why did you pull out, I was wide open? You could have unhorsed me. Sir Leon : I was fearful that I might insult you, Sire. Arthur : You had the advantage. You can not afford to hesitate. Sir Leon : I would not have done it if I were facing a different opponent. You are the future King, My Lord. Arthur : You jousted against me in the tournament last year. Are you saying you let me win? Sir Leon : No, My Lord. Arthur ( Looks over the jousters present): It does not matter who I am! I do not expect any special treatment from you, from any of you! Is that understood? KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Arthur : How am I going to prove myself if my opponents are not trying their hardest? Merlin : I'm sure it's not happening all the time. Arthur : So it's happening some of the time? Merlin : No I'm certain it is not. Arthur : Now you're doing it! You're telling me exactly what you think I want to hear! Merlin : Yes. Er ... no. Er ... what was the question? Arthur : That just proves it. All my life I've been treated as if I'm special. I just want to be treated just like everyone else. Merlin : Really? Arthur : You have no idea how lucky you are. Merlin (As he picks up Arthur's heavy armor from the floor): Well, anytime you want to swap places, just let me know. Arthur : That's not a stupid idea. Merlin : You're Prince Arthur. You can not change who you are. Arthur : Yes I can. KING'S PALACE, DINNER ROOM - NIGHT Uther and Arthur eat dinner . Merlin is filling Uther's goblet with wine Arthur : We've received reports that we have seen the forest near the northern borders. Uther : What's the nature of this beast? Arthur : It is said to have the body of a lion, the wings of an eagle, and the face of a bear. I believe it has been conjured by sorcery. Merlin bursts out in laughter, knocking Uther's goblet. Arthur frowns at him. Uther : Then we must destroy it. Arthur : I'll leave for the northern borders in the morning. Uther : But you'll miss the tournament. Arthur : As much as I want to compete, my duty to Camelot comes first. Uther : You are right, of course. WOODS SURROUNDING CAMELOT - DAY Arthur is in the woods with some guards. He has dismounted his horse Arthur : I'll meet you here in four days. You must tell no one I've returned to Camelot. The guards leave taking Arthur's horse with them. Merlin appears out of the woods Arthur : You're late. Merlin (panting ): Sorry. Gaius had me wa ... ing the floors. I could not ... Arthur : What is that smell? Whose clothes are these? Merlin : They're mine. I washed them specially. You sure this is a good idea? Arthur : Seems pretending to be somebody else is the only way to get people to be honest with me. Grab my bag, will you? Merlin : If you want to pass a peasant, you should probably carry your own bag. Arthur : You're forgetting something, Merlin (throws the bag to Merlin) , no one will know it's my bag. Merlin : There must be more ways to prove yourself. Arthur: Shut up, Merlin. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Kelda is facing Uther Kelda : I was there in person. Odin has a price on Prince Arthur's head. Uther : Surely he would not dare. Kelda : He's blinded by grief , My Lord. The assassin Myror has accepted the bounty. Uther : I've heard of this Myror. Kelda : I think he's heading for Camelot as we speak. I bring you this information at great risk to me. Uther : Double the guards. I want this assassin intercepted before he reaches Camelot. WOODS - DAY Myror waits to assassinate Arthur, but he suddenly realizes that he is not going to the north . GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY Merlin and Arthur enter Arthur's hood obscures his face. Gwen ( curtsies ): My Lord. Arthur : Guinevere. It's good of you to let me stay in your home. Gwen : I'm happy to help. Merlin (whispers ): Food. Gwen : I'll prepare some food for you. ( whisper to Merlin) I can not believe you talked me into this! Arthur (hushed) : You can not really expect me to stay here. Merlin (hushed ): We need to keep you out of sight. We can trust Gwen to tell you who you are here. Arthur (hushed) : I doubt anyone would believe it. poleaxe (hushed ): You really can not go without your big pillow? Arthur (hushed ): This will be fine. How are the preparations coming along? Have we found someone to play our knight in the tournament? Merlin : Absolutely. He's a famer from one of the outlying villages, and no one will recognize him. Arthur : But does he look the part? GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY Merlin, Arthur, and Gwen look William (the farmer) over . Arthur (looks disappointed) : Great. After Merlin has dressed up the peasant as a knight Merlin (unrolls nobility seal) : From now on, you're Sir William of Daira. Arthur puts his food away in disbelief Merlin : Imagine you're really ... arrogant. Knights like to think they're so much better than everyone else. Arthur : It's not arrogance. Ignore him, he's an idiot (Merlin gives him a look). A knight must behave with honor and nobility. William starts pacing, his chin high Arthur : That's ... better. You must convince everyone that you are born into a noble family. William (to Merlin ): Polish my armor, boy. Arthur (smiling) : Now you're gettin 'the hang of it. William laughs Arthur : That's a good point. (to Merlin) you need to polish our armor. William : Yeah. (laughs) KINGS PALACE, MERLIN'S CHAMBER - NIGHT Merlin flops onto his bed. He is exhausted. Gaius comes by the door and looks at him. Gaius : Glad to see you're resting, Merlin. I take it that way you've got the energy to clean my leech tank. Merlin : Ugh. GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gwen sweeps her house while Arthur finishes his drink. Arthur : It's been a long day. I think I'll turn in for the night. Is this my bed? Gwen (looks puzzled) : Of course. I hope you'll be comfortable. Arthur : I'm sure I will be. Goodnight, Guinevere. Gwen : Goodnight, My Lord. KINGS PALACE, GUARDS 'CORRIDOR - NIGHT Myror scales the wall into the castle. A guard spots him Guard : Halt! Show yourself. What business do you have in the King's palace? Myror : I came to seek an audience with ... er ... with Prince Arthur. Guard : What's your name? Myror : My name is Myror. He kills the guard KINGS PALACE, GUARDS 'CORRIDOR - NIGHT Myror grabs a guard, Fyren, covering his mouth before releasing him. Fyren : Why are you here? Myror : Your information was wrong. Prince Arthur is traveling to the northern borders. Fyren : The Prince left with them yesterday. Myror : Then they must have separated. Perhaps he has returned to Camelot. Fyren : Not that I've heard. His return would have been announced at short. Myror : It would seem the Prince does not want to be found. Hmm. TOURNAMENT GROUNDS, ARTHUR'S TENT - DAY Merlin and cloaked Arthur head to his tent. Uther walks into the booths and knights on horseback to stand before the King. Arthur : Now, remember the plan. I'm competing in the tournament, but no one will know that it's me. All you have to do is accept the crowd at the end of the match. Act like you belong there and people will believe that you do. Uther : Knights of the realm, welcome to Camelot. You've trained for this day for many years. Merlin : Well, he has not fallen off his horse. Uther (background ): ... our bravery, strength ... Arthur : I guess that's something. Uther: ... and your skill to the test. Today you will fight for glory and honor. For this is the ultimate test of courage. And it will be the measure of you as men. For the most skilful, the most fearless among you will emerge as a worthy champion. William : They're ready for you, Sire. TOURNAMENT GROUNDS, ARTHUR'S TENT - DAY The jousting tournament begins. Gwen cheers for Arthur's enthusiastically as he wins each match. Myror also watches. Arthur enters his tent and tosses William his helmet. Arthur : You must go and acknowledge the crowd. William : How do you do that? Arthur : You wave, they cheer. It's not difficult. I do all the work, someone else gets all the praise. Merlin : Know the feeling. Arthur : When I win this tournament, I'll reveal my true identity, get the credit I deserve. Merlin : Of course you will. Arthur : Well do not just stand there. Help me off with my armor. And remember to polish it before tomorrow. The horse needs grooming. And do not forget to repair the broken spears. TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Fyren is next to Myror in the stands . Myror : Do you have news on the whereabouts of Prince Arthur? Fyren : Everyone believes he is traveling to the northern borders, but I've discovered that Arthur's serving remains in Camelot. Myror : Who is this servant? Fyren : That's him. Myror : Why is he working for another knight? KINGS PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Merlin tries to sneak past Gaius to his room. Gaius turns and stares at him. Merlin : Is this about the leech tank? Gaius : How very perceptive of you, Merlin. Merlin : I'll clean it tomorrow. Gaius : And will that be before or after you've scrubbed the floors and done the laundry? GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gwen clears the table after dinner. Gwen : From what I hear, the ladies of the court are quite impressed with Sir William. They think he's very handsome. Arthur : Typical. He would not know a real knight if he whacked him round the head with his lance. Gwen : Why are you doing this? Arthur : I fear that people respect me just because of my title. Gwen : I do not think that's true of everyone. Arthur : Would you tell me if it were? Gwen : No. Arthur : When I'm competing with William, my title does not matter, nobody gives me any special treatment. So when I win this tournament ... if I win this tournament, it will be because I am sorry. I think I'll take a bath. Gwen : That might be hard to see. Arthur : Really? Er ... perhaps you could prepare me a bowl of hot water. I take it you have a bowl. Gwen : I think I can manage a bowl. Just walk all the way down then, shall I? KINGS PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY Merlin is asleep on the floor, his hands still holding the brush and bucket. Gaius enters. Gaius : Merlin, on your feet. Arthur may be away, but I'm not. And why is my tank still dirty? Where do you get the idea you can sit around all day doing nothing? poleaxe: Wha ..? Do you think I sit around doing nothing ?! I arrived in Camelot! I'm too busy running around after Arthur! Do this, Merlin! Do that, Merlin! And when I'm not running around after Arthur, I'm doing chores for you! And if I'm not doing that, I'm fulfilling my destiny! Do you know how many times I've saved Arthur's life? I've lost count. Do I get any thanks? No. I have fought griffins, witches, er ... bandits, I have to be punched, poisoned, peeled with fruit, and all the while I really am, because if anyone finds out, Uther will have me executed ! Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, I do not know which way to turn! Gaius is speechless. Merlin leaves TOURNAMENT GROUNDS, ARTHUR'S TENT - DAY Merlin : Sir Alinor has advanced to the final. TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Arthur faces Sir Leon. Arthur wins and everyone rises to their feet cheering except Gwen. Gaius : You're not impressed by this Sir William of Daira. Gwen : I think he's an arrogant pig. TOURNAMENT GROUNDS, ARTHUR'S TENT - DAY Arthur and William are waiting in the tent. Merlin : Congratulations, you are in the end. Arthur : Go on then. Your people await you. No one can say Sir Leon let me win this time. Merlin : Sounds like the crowd've really taken to William. Arthur : That will change when I reveal my identity. Merlin : You really miss getting all the attention, do not you? Arthur : Just go and water the horse, will you? TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Merlin brings the horse to the water trough. Myror approaches him. Myror : He's a fine horse. I see your master has advanced to the final. He's extremely skilled with a lance. Merlin : He's doing well. Just one more match to go. Myror : Tell me, what is he like to work for? Merlin : Between you and me? He can be a bit of a prat. Myror (laughs ): So you're no longer working for Prince Arthur? Merlin : No. Yes, yes. Not right now. Arthur's away. I'm just ... helping out. Myror : Well, I, erm, I wish your master luck in the final. Merlin : Thanks. GWEN'S HOUSE - EVENING Gwen sweeps the pantry where she's been sleeping when Arthur enters through the front door. Arthur : Guinevere? Gwen : Just a minute. Arthur : Do you have a needle and threat. My shirt needs mending. Gwen : Erm ... Arthur : Is this where you sleep? Where's your bed? Gwen : You're sleeping in it. Arthur : Why did not you say something? Gwen : How could I? You're Prince Arthur. Besides, you did not give me the chance. You just assumed the bed was yours. Arthur : Well, how am I supposed to know if you do not tell me? Gwen : You should not be told about yourself, you're not a child. Arthur: Is there anything else you'd like to say to me? Please, I'd like to hear it. If there's something you want to say to me, do not let me stop you. Gwen : You do not have any idea, do you? Arthur : About what? Gwen : About how rude and arrogant you can be! This is my home and you are my guest in it! I know you are used to more luxurious quarters, but that is not an excuse to be so rough! You claim titles do not matter to you, but you must be a prince and expect me to wait! Saying it means nothing if your actions betray you! Would you like to kill it and thank you so much in a while?! ... My Lord. Arthur : Is there anything else you'd like to add? Gwen : No, I think that's it. : You're right. You have invited me to your home and I have behaved appallingly. Gwen : I did not mean to make you feel bad. Arthur : Oh, really? Gwen : Well, perhaps a little. Arthur : There's no excuse. I'll make it up to you. Tonight, I will make dinner for you. Gwen (skeptical ): Are you going to cook me dinner? Arthur : I most certainly am. Now Gwen : A walk would be nice. Gwen : A walk would be nice. Arthur : ... and your dinner will be ready when you return. LOWER TOWN - DAY Merlin meets Gwen in the street as she walks away from her house. Merlin : Where's Arthur? Gwen : He's cooking me dinner. Merlin : Arthur's cooking? GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY Merlin enters. Arthur is staring hopelessly at a raw chicken. Arthur : Merlin! Thank God! Merlin : Gwen says you're cooking. Arthur : I need you to fetch me two dinners from the palace kitchens. Merlin : So ... you're not cooking. Arthur : No, but Gwen does not need to know that. As far as she is concerned, dinner will be prepared and cooked by me. Merlin : You're trying to impress her? Arthur : Do not be ridiculous, Merlin. And get me a decent shirt, will you? Your clothes are making it all over, it's like having fleas. KINGS PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Myror snoops when Merlin comes in to get a shirt. Myror hides, ready to kill Merlin with a dagger, but Merlin leaves and Myror follows him out. GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Arthur watches the window for Gwen while Merlin sets the table. Arthur : She's coming. Quick, out the back way. Do something with this. Arthur tosses Merlin the raw chicken. Merlin : Hope Gwen's impressed with your cooking. Merlin leaves and Arthur spins around as Gwen opens front the door. Arthur : Guinevere. Perfect timing. Arthur pulls out her seat for her. Gwen : Thank you. Myror watches from the window and preps a mini crossbow. Gwen : This is delicious. Arthur : I'm glad you like it. LOWER TOWN - NIGHT The night patrol interrupts Myror's assassination attempt Guard : Halt! You! Stop right there! Guard : Did you see him? Myror escapes by hanging under the drawbridge. KINGS PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Gaius enters the Gaius enters. Merlin : Dinner's ready. What I said this morning ... Gaius : It is I who should be apologizing to you. I have failed to appreciate just how heavy your burden must be. Merlin : I should not have lost my temper with you. Gaius : It's no wonder you're upset. There's so much resting on your young shoulders. Now that's Arthur's away, you must take time to enjoy yourself. Merlin : What about the leech tank? Gaius : Do not even think about the leech tank. Merlin : Really? Gaius : All this talk of leeches will be off us. Where'd that chicken come from? [SCENE_BREAK] (someone knocks at the door ) Come in! Sir Leon : The King commands your presence immediately. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Uther, Gaius, Merlin, and Leon inspect the body of the guard Myror killed. Uther : Can you determine a cause of death? Gaius : His neck's been broken. There's a mark on the flesh. Whoever killed him exactly what he was doing. Sir Leon : Earlier this evening, an intruder was spotted in the lower town. Uther : Then I fear it's true, Odin has an assassin to kill Arthur. Merlin : An assassin? Uther : Have you any word from Arthur when he left for the northern borders? Merlin : No. None. Uther : With this murderer in Camelot, we must be thankful Arthur is not here. Search the entire town. I want the assassin found before Arthur returns. GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Arthur and Gwen smile at dinner. Arthur : So, do you have any more annoying clothes you wish to tell me about? Gwen : No, none. Arthur : There's something else, is not there? What is it? Gwen : Well, the truth is ... you snore. Arthur : I do not snore. Gwen : You do. The first night you were here, I thought a pig had got into the house. Arthur : So now I'm a pig. Thank you, Guinevere. Gwen : I think I'm better talk. Gwen starts getting up to clear the table. Arthur : I'll do that. Gwen : Where did you get those plates? Arthur: From ... the cupboard? Gwen : They have the royal seal. They're from the palace kitchens. I've washed enough of them to know. I take it that's where our food also came from. Arthur : Look, I can kill a chicken from a thousand paces, just do not ask me to cook it. That's what servants are for. I did not mean it like that. Gwen : I'm not ashamed to be a servant. At least I'm not a liar. Arthur : We had a nice meal together. What does it matter where it came from? Gwen : Because I thought you'd show some humility! You'd like something for me even though I'm just a servant! A good king should respect his people, no matter who they are. Arthur: Guinevere. I know I have much to learn. There are some things that I'm terrible at - cooking being one of them. But also, knowing what to say to someone I care about. Merlin : Arthur, there's an assassin's in Camelot. He's here to kill you. GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Merlin : The assassin killed a guard. Your father said Odin feels him. Gwen : Why would Odin want you dead? Arthur : Because I killed his son. Odin's his challenged me to a fight. I had no quarrel with him. I asked him to withdraw. Perhaps he felt he had to prove himself. I can still see his face. He looked so scared. Gwen : You can not blame yourself. Merlin : No one but we know where you are. If the assassin can not find you, he can not kill you. Arthur : May I continue to stay here? Gwen : Of course, for as long as you need. Arthur : Thank you. I'll sleep on the floor tonight. Gwen: No, have my bed. You need to be better for the tournament tomorrow. Arthur : I'll not hear of it. Goodnight, Guinevere. Gwen : Goodnight. Arthur : Fetch the mattress from my quarters and bring it up here. Merlin : How am I supposed to carry a mattress on my own? Arthur : I do not know, strap it to your back. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY Arthur prepares to leave Arthur : One more match. The tournament will be over. Gwen : You can go back to Prince Arthur. Erm ... I thought you might wear it ... for luck. Arthur : Thank you. Arthur kisses Gwen, then stands around awkwardly . Arthur : I must go. LOWER TOWN Myror watches Arthur meets Merlin in the street on his way to the tournament grounds, he follows them and sees Arthur with his double. ARTHUR'S TENT, TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY William : They're ready for you, Sire. Myror watches Will hand Arthur the helmet. Myror sees two knights greet each other. Knight : Sir Alinor, good luck in the final. SIR ALINOR'S TENT, TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Myror attacks Sir Alinor in his tent, kiils him, dresses in his armor and disguises a deadly lance. TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Arthur and Myror face each other on the race. Arthur gets hit with the deadly and Gwen stands up in shock, running out of the stands to him. Merlin sees the deadly point and heads after Myror. Gwen supports Arthur as they rush into the tent. Arthur : His launches pierced my armor. Gwen : You're losing too much blood. Gwen takes off the favor she gives him and holds against the wound. Arthur : Do what you can. I have to be back on the race within five minutes or I forfeit the match. Gwen : You can not possibly be, you're too badly injured! Arthur : I have never withdrawn from a match. I do not intend to start now. Gwen: You would risk your life to protect your pride? You have nothing to prove. Least of all to me. Arthur : I have everything to prove. To myself. SIR ALINOR'S TENT, TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY Merlin sees Myror in armor and the dead Sir Alinor. Arthur riding his horse motions to the launcher rack. Arthur : You'll have to pass me my lance. Gwen : This is madness! Arthur rides off and Merlin runs up to Gwen. Merlin : Gwen! Where's Arthur? Gwen : He's about to joust. Merlin : He's jousting against the murderer. Merlin and Gwen rush to the race. Arthur and Myror tilt . Merlin : Unbinde þé téage. Merlin uses magic to snap the girth on Myror's horse so Arthur unhorses / kills him. Merlin helps Arthur off the race. ARTHUR'S TENT, TOURNAMENT GROUNDS - DAY William, Gwen, Merlin, and Arthur gather in the tent. Merlin : You were jousting against the murderer. He killed Sir Alinor and took his place. The people are waiting for their champion. It's time to reveal yourself. Arthur (to William ): You must go and collect the trophy. Gwen : I thought this was going to be your moment of glory? Arthur : Perhaps this is a time for humility. Merlin, Gwen, and cloaked Arthur laughing and smiling as William celebrates victory to wild applause . TOURNAMENT GROUNDS, TENT - DAY Merlin goes to where Gaius has carted off Myror. Gaius : Merlin, who is this man? Where's Sir Alinor? KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Arthur stands before the court with a bandage sling over his bloody armor. Arthur : The murderer attacked us as we returned to Camelot. I was injured while killing him. Uther : Odin must be made to pay for his actions. We must strike back at him. Arthur : Surely you understand the grievance he feels for the loss of his son? We should try to make peace with him. There's been enough bloodshed. Uther : Perhaps you're right. How was the rest of your trip? Fruitful? Arthur : Very. I learned a great deal. How was the tournament? Uther : Excellent. We have a new champion, Sir William of Daira. Arthur : I'm sorry I missed all the excitement. KING'S PALACE, COURTYARD CORRIDOR - DAY The brokers exit into the corridor. Arthur checks to check that his father is not looking and turns to Gwen. Arthur : Guinevere. * ahem * What happened while I was staying with you ... I'm afraid my father would never understand. Gwen : You do not have to explain. Perhaps when you are King, things will be different. Uther : Arthur? KINGS PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Merlin cleans the leech tank. He has not noticed that he has leeches on his face Merlin : This is horrible. This is so disgusting. Gaius : Well, maybe you'll think twice about falling into the future. And Merlin, there's something on your face. Merlin : Where? Merlin freaks out on the leeches on his face and arms and Gaius laughs.

Plan: A: Arthur; Q: Who is determined to win Camelot's jousting tournament? A: his own merit; Q: What does Arthur want to win the tournament on? A: Gwen; Q: Who challenges Arthur to give up his spoilt ways? A: But Arthur; Q: Who goes undercover as an ordinary man? A: a lifetime; Q: How long has Arthur been spoiled? A: the bounty hunter Myror; Q: Who arrives in Camelot to kill Arthur? Summary: Arthur is determined to win Camelot's jousting tournament on his own merit, so with Merlin and Gwen's help he goes undercover as an ordinary man. But Arthur's in for a shock when Gwen challenges him to give up his spoilt, lofty ways. Will Arthur be able to shake the habits of a lifetime as easily as he did his princely robes? And why does he care so much what Gwen thinks anyway? While Arthur is distracted, the bounty hunter Myror arrives in Camelot, intent on killing him. Can Merlin save the prince from the most deadly assassin in the land?

NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan comes home with Jamie, it takes place right after the end of 509 JAMIE : Ravens win! Mommy, Ravens win! NATHAN : Haley... That's weird. I thought mommy would have beat us home by now. (Nathan phone rings) HALEY : Nathan, hi. I'm so sorry. You got Jamie, right? NATHAN : Yeah. Um, what happened? Where are you? HALEY : I just got locked in the library with Lindsey and Peyton. I missed the whole game. I'll fill you in on all the gory details as soon as I get home. I'm on my way, okay? NATHAN : All right, well, I'm just about to put Jamie to bed, and then I'm gonna take a quick shower. Oh, and, Haley, I love you. HALEY : I love you, too. NATHAN : Bye. JAMIE : Do I really have to go to bed, daddy? NATHAN : PJ's, brush teeth, bed. Five minutes. Come on. Chop-chop. JAMIE : Do I have to wear PJ's? Can't I sleep in this? NATHAN : Okay. But just for tonight, all right? Now, come on. Let's go. JAMIE : Awesome! Nathan is in the shower, Carrie joins him but Nathan thinks it's Haley at first NATHAN : Missed you tonight. CARRIE : Oh, I missed you, too. (Nathan realizes) NATHAN : Carrie, Carrie! What are you doing? This is not okay! You have to get out of here! CARRIE : It's okay, Nathan. I love you, too. NATHAN : What are you talking about? You think I love you? Carrie, you have to get out of here. Here, take this. Go. Get out of the shower. Carrie, get out of this bathroom right now! (Haley walks in) NATHAN : Haley, this... oh, my god. This... this isn't this, okay? I swear to you, I didn't -- look, I haven't... Carrie, tell her! CARRIE : Nathan loves me, and I love him back. HALEY : I want you to get the hell out of my house right now! NATHAN : Haley, look, I know this looks like... HALEY : you get out, too! NATHAN : Look, I didn't... HALEY : Get out! PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton arrives and John is sitting at her desk PEYTON : Oh, I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong office. No, wait, that's me... Peyton Sawyer, label president. JOHN : Touch? PEYTON : What are you doing here, John? The big corporate label finally fire you? JOHN : I happened to catch this new artist's live performance that perhaps you know her... Mia Catalano. PEYTON : She's my artist, John. JOHN : It's a pretty big office for such a small label, don't you think? PEYTON : Well, I have got a good act, and that's one more than you've got at your great big label. JOHN : It's good to see you, sawyer. By the way, what are you feeling about the first single... "Only fooling myself"? PEYTON : John, stay away from Mia. JOHN : Let me ask you something, Peyton. If a great song is recorded but nobody gets a chance to hear it, does it really exist? RECORDING STUDIO Peyton walks in, Mia is already there. PEYTON : Hey MIA : Hey, Peyton, check it out. Haley made the finished version sound so much better than the demo. PEYTON : Mia. MIA : And you were so right. "Only fooling myself" is definitely the single. PEYTON : Mia, I need to ask you a question, okay? Were you approached by a record executive named John knight? MIA : You mean that creepy, old guy who said he used to be your boss? No wonder you left l. A. PEYTON : No, no, no. This is serious. What did he say? MIA : Nothing. He said he saw my myspace video and that he wanted to hear the whole record. PEYTON : Is that all he said? Mia, come on. What else did he say? MIA : He said I made a big mistake in signing with you and you don't have the experience to launch me. INSIDE CLUB TRIC The club is empty, Owen is behind the bar, Brooke arrives BROOKE : Hey, handsome. Peyton in her office? OWEN : She was. Just took off. Looked like she was on a mission. BROOKE : She wasn't armed, was she? OWEN : I don't think so, but didn't get a chance to pat her down. BROOKE : Easy, tiger. Is it too early for a Brooke Davis on the rocks? OWEN : Suit yourself. I just pour them. You know something? I think I missed my cal. BROOKE : Really? How's that? OWEN : Should have gone into the clothing-design business. I mean, if you can run a multimillion-dollar company from a barstool while sipping AM Cocktails, how hard can it be? BROOKE : Plenty hard. You have no idea. OWEN : That's your story. BROOKE : Don't write checks you can't cash, buddy. I'd be happy to whisk you up to New York anytime and show you how impressive and complicated it all really is, bartender boy, but if I did, who would tend to the bar? Flights leave on the hour, so I dare ya. OWEN : All right. You're on, Brooke Davis. BROOKE : Okay. LUCAS' HOUSE Lucas received a card from his mother which says "Lily wants to knows if you need a flower girl? So happy for you. Love. Mom" and a letter from NC dept. Of corrections parole board which says that Dan is eligible for parole. Then Nathan knocks to his door LUCAS : so, you've heard? NATHAN : Haley kicked me out. I need a place to stay. (Nathan looks at the mail Lucas is holding) NATHAN : What is that? LUCAS : It's Dan. He's up for parole. INSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie is having breakfast with Haley JAMIE : There's supposed to be a smiley face. HALEY : What? JAMIE : Where's nanny Carrie? She knows how I like them. HALEY : Nanny Carrie is not home right now, and it's probably gonna be a little while before she comes back. JAMIE : How long? HALEY : I'm not sure yet, sweetheart. JAMIE : Who's going to take me to school? HALEY : I am. In fact, I got everything ready. I made your lunch, and I packed your backpack. Yummy. JAMIE : You cut my pb&j sideways. Carrie cuts it in half. I like it cut in half. HALEY : Well, it tastes the same both ways, I promise. JAMIE : Kate cuts her sandwiches sideways, and she's always trying to kiss me. (Nathan arrives) NATHAN : yuck. JAMIE : Daddy! HALEY : Jamie, can you go upstairs for a few minutes, sweetheart? JAMIE : Why? NATHAN : Hey, why don't you go upstairs and fire up the playstation. Mommy's gonna let you play for 10 minutes before you go to school. JAMIE : Sweet! NATHAN : Sweet! (Jamie leaves) NATHAN : Look, I have to go to Dan's parole hearing, but before I do, I need you to hear me out. HALEY : Dan's up for parole? NATHAN : Yeah, he pled guilty to second-degree murder, he served good time, and it's been about five years, so, yeah. But that's not why I'm here. HALEY : All right. I'm listening. NATHAN : There is absolutely nothing going on between me and Carrie. HALEY : Didn't look like nothing. NATHAN : Haley, she's got some kind of weird crush, and she thinks the feeling's mutual, but it's not. There was some flirting, and I let it go, and I shouldn't have, but I swear to you that's all there was. HALEY : What else, Nathan? NATHAN : Nothing. I just... I mean, I guess I-I knew that she was getting attached. I was gonna say something to you, okay? I was. But I just need you to know there is nothing going on between us. HALEY : Damn it, Nathan. I really thought we were, like, rounding this corner of everything, you know? I-I don't... I don't know how to... I just... I need some time to think and just be alone. NATHAN : Haley, please, just... HALEY : can you just... can you just go to Dan's hearing, and then we can find a time to deal with this later? Please? (Nathan starts leaving) HALEY : Nathan. There better not be more. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is talking with John PEYTON : I will be damned if I let you steal my artist, John. JOHN : It's not stealing if she wants it to happen. PEYTON : Did she say that? What did you tell her, a bunch of lies to make her feel that way? Like you did with that little actress out in LA? How'd that go? JOHN : Oh, admittedly, that could have gone better. PEYTON : 'Cause, see, I heard you convinced her to quit her hit tv show in order to tour for this record, but I guess your ghost writer and your cool producer didn't really work out, did they? Because now, thanks to you, she doesn't have a music career or a tv show. Johnny, you forget... I worked for you for two years, okay? I watched you churn and burn all your artists in your corporate greed machine, and I will not let that happen to Mia. She deserves way better than that. JOHN : Are you finished? That's a nice speech, Peyton. The only question is, can you back it up? You got a lot of great albums on that wall, but the sad truth is, you wouldn't have heard of half of them without the support of a major label. I should know. I signed four of them. PEYTON : You know what? Mia's gonna make it. We'll be just fine. JOHN : Are you sure? Just look at that wall again. All those artists have two things in common... great songs and a major label. I'll be honest...I'd love to sign Mia. I want to get her music out there into the world because it is great. She deserves to be heard. And you do not have the resources to do that yet. You're not even close. You're just gonna kill her. I'm in town till tomorrow morning. Do the right thing, Sawyer. INSIDE TREE HILL GYM It's practice LUCAS : Mitchell. Sub in for q. QUENTIN : Man, why you pulling me, coach? Come on. LUCAS : Let me see your hand. (Quentin seems hurt) LUCAS : All right, we'll get a doctor to take a look at that. Grab some pine. JAMIE'S SCHOOL Jamie is walking inside of his school, Carrie is there CARRIE : Jamie! Jamie! JAMIE : Why are you sad, nanny Carrie? CARRIE : Well, I'm sad because... I have to go away. JAMIE : But I don't want you to go away. Why do you have to leave? CARRIE : I really don't want to leave you. It's just... Your mommy doesn't like nanny Carrie. She wants me to leave. JAMIE : But I want you to stay. CARRIE : So do I. But your mom's the boss, and what she says goes. I wish you were my little boy. I always will. Bye, Jamie. BROOKE'S APARTMENT IN NEW YORK Brooke and Owen are arriving at her apartment OWEN : Okay, you have 4,000 square feet on central park west. What's this place? BROOKE : Well... This place is a good investment. And it doubles as a crash pad when I want to partying the east village. (They enter the apartment, and it's a total mess) BROOKE : Somebody's here. (Owen walks in the bedroom and finds Rachel lying on the floor unconscious) BROOKE : Oh, my god. Rachel. OWEN : Brooke, get a shower running. Make it cold. I'm gonna need some towels. Rachel. Rachel, can you hear me? Brooke, shower... now! Owen put Rachel in the shower and try to wake her up OWEN : Come on, come on, come on. Rachel, come on. Come on, baby! Come on, baby! Baby, come on! Wake up! Rachel, wake up! Come on, come on. Wake up. Open your eyes. Open your eyes, sweetie. Come on. Wake up! Wake up! Come on! Come on, wake up! BROOKE : Please don't let her die. OWEN : Come on, baby. Baby, wake up. Rachel! Rachel, open your eyes! Open your eyes! Wake up! Please, wake up! Later, Brooke is in the living room, Owen comes out of the bedroom BROOKE : Please tell me she's gonna be okay. OWEN : If by "okay, " you mean she's not gonna die, then yes. But no, she's not okay. BROOKE : Do I need to take her to the emergency room? OWEN : No, her color's back, she's breathing, she's out of any immediate danger. But... Just let me keep an eye on her a little bit longer. We'll see. BROOKE : Okay. OWEN : How do you know her? BROOKE : She's a friend from home. I hired her to model for the company. I haven't seen her in a while. I knew she had problems, but not like this. She started screwing up photo shoots, and Victoria insisted I let her go. I need to help her. What do I do? OWEN : Start by getting rid of this. Don't put it in the trash. BROOKE : Why? OWEN : When she wakes up, that's the first place she'll look. BROOKE : Okay. DOCTOR'S OFFICE Quentin is alone with the doctor DOCTOR : Well, I'm afraid it's not good. You have a hairline fracture of your right carpal radius. QUENTIN : What's that mean? DOCTOR : Well, it means you need a cast on that wrist for the next four to six weeks. QUENTIN : Man, I can't do that. I'm gonna miss too many games, man. I'm... you're... you know what? This is my last season, okay, to impress the scouts if I want to play college ball, all right? Help me out, man. DOCTOR : You need the cast, son. You don't have a choice. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] JAMIE'S SCHOOL Haley is here to pick him up HALEY : Hey, baby. How was your day at school? (Jamie is not answering) HALEY : What's wrong, James? JAMIE : Why did nanny Carrie have to go away? HALEY : Little man, you know, with grownups, sometimes they just need to move on with their own lives, and nanny Carrie decided that it was time to move on with her life. JAMIE : That's not what she said. She said you sent her away 'cause you hated her. She didn't want to go. HALEY : Wait, wait, wait, wait. When did she tell you this? JAMIE : Today, at school. RECORDING STUDIO Peyton is there with Mia PEYTON : The man is a complete snake. I've seen him do it a thousand times. He offers you the moon and throws you out there, and the second you fall short, he drops you just like that. MIA : Look, I don't care about him. I love this record, and I'm sure we'll be okay. PEYTON : No, we will. You're right. We will be okay. We'll be better than okay. And you know why? Because I have got a plan. We're gonna roll out your first single on college radio. We get you out there on tour, then we'll do guerrilla marketing, like fliers and wild postings in all the mass markets. Ooh, and I have got a lot of street-team contacts out in LA. That I know would love to work with you. MIA : That sounds great. PEYTON : No. No, it doesn't, Mia. God, he's offering you, like, a five-course meal up in first class, and I'm offering you a sandwich in couch. MIA : No, Peyton, don't feel that way. I don't. PEYTON : But it's true, honey, okay? You made a much better record than I thought you could, and you deserve the spot on the big tour and the kind of airplay and big promotion that I just... I can't give it to you. MIA : No. It doesn't matter. You're the one who got me here, and I want to stay with you. PEYTON : You really mean that? MIA : Absolutely. PEYTON : Okay. INSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley's in the kitchen, Carrie walks in CARRIE : I need to get my stuff. HALEY : It's in the garage. Boxes are marked "whore". I'll have the keys now. CARRIE : I'm sorry, Haley. I never meant for it to turn out this way. HALEY : Did you go by Jamie's school today? CARRIE : Jamie looks at me as family. I was just saying goodbye. HALEY : No, you are not family. I invited you into this home, and I trusted you with the two most important things in my life... my husband and my son... and you betrayed that trust. CARRIE : I know you're upset. Just know that I never meant for Nathan to fall in love with me. HALEY : Oh, honey. He's not in love with you. I can promise you that. CARRIE : Did he tell you he kissed me? He didn't tell you, did he? God, that is so Nathan. Well, he did kiss me. And he watched me swim naked, and he liked it. You see, he wanted me in that shower. I'm sorry that it's hard for you to face, but it's the truth. HALEY : I have told you once, and I am not gonna tell you again... stay the hell away from my family! (Jamie was watching) JAMIE : I hate you! HALEY : Jamie! BROOKE'S APARTMENT IN NEW YORK Rachel is waking up, Brooke is at her side RACHEL : Well, well... Am I dead? BROOKE : You o.d'd. You're alive, but you're really stupid. Rachel, what happened to you? RACHEL : I don't know. Life happened, I guess. BROOKE : But... Drugs? RACHEL : They just made me feel better. Then they just made me feel. BROOKE : Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you let me help you? RACHEL : We were friends, Brooke. You fired me. Owen is in the kitchen, someone knocks at the door BROOKE : Who is it? OWEN : Brooke, lock the door. Don't come out till I say. (Owen opens the door and acts like a junkie) OWEN : Hey, man. Come on in. GUY : Who are you? OWEN : It's cool. Rachel said you were gonna be stopping by. Come on in, man. Come on. We're all in the waiting room, here. (The guy comes in) GUY : So, uh... Where's Rachel? OWEN : She's, uh, she's right here. (Owen starts hitting the guy) GUY : Let me go, man! I didn't do nothing to you! OWEN : My friend is falling out on your junk back there! So where is it? GUY : I don't know what you're talking about. OWEN : You ever come in here again, I will break your neck! Do you hear me? (Owen throws the guy out of the apartment) GUY : That bitch owes me a lot of money, man! OWEN : Yeah? (Owen gives him some cash) OWEN : Consider that payment in full. Get the hell out of here. (Owen shut the door, Brooke comes to see him) BROOKE : Owen, who was that? OWEN : Nobody that's coming back. INSIDE NATHAN'S CAR Nathan and Lucas are going to Dan's hearing LUCAS : So, how'd it go with Haley? NATHAN : She's gonna need more time. HALEY : Well, give it to her. You owe her that. NATHAN : I just wish he would have helped us more, you know? It would have been really nice to have a father today... someone I could actually turn to for advice. LUCAS : Yeah. You know, for the past four years, I pretended that Dan didn't exist. Then I get this letter, and it hit's me... that one day, we may have to face having him in our lives again. Let's not let that be today. DAN'S HEARING Nathan and Lucas are sitting in the room. Dan is bringing in DAN : Hello, son. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is sitting at her desk, John walks in JOHN : Hello, Peyton. I was pretty sure I'd be hearing from you. PEYTON : Well, I thought about what you said, and I think you're right about Mia. JOHN : So the assistant to the assistant finally learns the business. Congratulations, Peyton, it's about time. (Mia walks in too) MIA : About time for what? PEYTON : Mia. It really is in your best interest. MIA : That's not what you said earlier today. You said he was an evil snake that couldn't be trusted. So which is it, Peyton? JOHN : In spite of what she said earlier, I think you should listen to her now, Mia. She's making a lot of sense. MIA : Oh, really? She's making sense now? Listen, you can do whatever deal you want with her, just know that I will never play for you... never. I am an artist, not a business transaction. You know, Peyton, I really thought we had something special. Thanks for selling me out. PEYTON : No, mia! Mia, wait! (Mia leaves) DAN'S HEARING DAN : Good afternoon. When I was 17 years old, I fell in love. Her name was Karen. And for a long time, she loved me back. We had a son... Lucas. But we never became the family we should have been. Instead, my brother, Keith, assumed that role. And in my heart, something died. I deserve to be in here. There's no excuse for the crime that I committed. And believe me when I tell you I spend every moment wishing I could take that fateful day back. Keith Scott is dead because of me. And that's something I have to live with for the rest of my life. So I'll just make one pledge here today. If at some time you decide to grant me my freedom, know that I'll spend every living moment trying to mend the lives of the people that I hurt by my actions. Because I have lost more than my freedom. I've lost something far more important than that. My family. These young men stand at the dawn of their adult lives. So far, because of what I put them through, they've had it pretty rough. They deserve better. They deserve a father. I hope someday you'll give them that. MAN : Thank you, Mr. Scott. Does anyone else wish to speak at this time? LUCAS : Yes. Um, I'm Lucas Scott. I'm his son MAN : Please, go ahead. LUCAS : My father abandoned my mother when she was pregnant with me. He left us to struggle on our own, even though he was a man of means. Growing up, I only had one person to look after me... Keith Scott. And this man killed him... his own brother... in cold blood at point-blank range. Next week, I'm getting married. Keith... Would have been my best man. But he's not gonna be there, just like he didn't see my state championship or see my first novel published. Dan took all that. And he did it with malice and premeditation. Dan is an educated man, and if he is nothing... He's very persuasive. Do not let him fool you. He has a very dark and ugly heart. And he should never be allowed to walk the streets a free man. So as you deliberate his fate, I ask you only one question. How can a father hope to influence his sons when they never even came to see him? Never even once. MAN : Thank you. Um, actually... It looks here that, uh, Nathan... You've been to visit your father recently. Is that true? NATHAN : Yes. INSIDE NATHAN'S CAR LUCAS : What the hell? You went to go see Dan, and you didn't tell me. Why? NATHAN : 'Cause I was done with him, and I wanted to tell him to his face. I didn't think it mattered. LUCAS : Well, it did matter. Just like getting up there and telling them who he really is mattered. Don't you get it? NATHAN : Get what? LUCAS : If they think you still need Dan in your life, they might let him out. You know, it's not me I'm worried about. Or you. It's Jamie. Dan's gonna try to get to him. You know that. The only way to keep your family safe is if Dan stays locked up. BROOKE'S APARTMENT IN NEW YORK Owen is cleaning the mess. BROOKE : Can I ask you something? How'd you know who the guy was and what to do with Rachel? OWEN : Let's just say I have been there. BROOKE : You mean you had a problem? OWEN : No. I'm saying I'm an addict... a junkie, Brooke. You ever wonder why you never see me take a drink behind the bar? Been sober eight years. BROOKE : How'd you make it back? OWEN : I had a friend. He helped me. I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for him, no question. He never gave up on me. See, Brooke, I can understand the whole "cutting off Rachel" on the business side, but I'm struggling with the whole "friendship" side. BROOKE : You don't know my mother. Victoria is relentless when she wants something, and it's easier to just do it than to fight her. BROOKE : You ever wonder where you'd be if at some critical moment, when you needed it the most, your friends just weren't there for you? BROOKE : Can she ever be okay again? OWEN : I don't know. Maybe. You know, what Rachel needs right now... Is to go to rehab. This is the place that helped me. Their facility here... it's the best in the city. And I can take her there for you, if you need me to. BROOKE : I need to do it. I have to step up for her. She needs me. OWEN : In that case... I'm gonna go. Do not give up on her, Brooke. You are better than that. BROOKE : Some first date, huh? OWEN : Is that what this was? You know, I have to say, your life is really impressive... the real estate, the business, the money. That's just not what really interests me. What's under all the clothes, Brooke Davis? (Owen leaves) INSIDE TREE HILL GYM, AT NIGHT The gym is empty, Quentin is there thinking. Nathan walks in NATHAN : Didn't expect to find you here. QUENTIN : Oh, you know... ain't nothing like an empty gym when you want to be alone with your thoughts, man. What you doing here? NATHAN : The same. What's on your mind? QUENTIN : Oh, man, just, uh, planning my big move on your scoring title. Man, that... that last season you had, boy, that... that must have been something special. NATHAN : Truth be told, i, uh, took it for granted a little bit. I mean, breaking all those records and the scouts coming to see me play, the state championship... I wish I could go back. I'd appreciate it more. QUENTIN : I just want it so bad, man. You know? Is that okay to say? 'Cause I... NATHAN : sure. And you'll get there. And when you do, just be sure to enjoy it, 'cause it only comes once. In the blink of an eye, it can all be gone. BROOKE'S APARTMENT IN NEW YORK BROOKE : You got to trust me, Rachel. This is the best rehab facility in the city, and I'm gonna take care of everything. I don't care what it costs. RACHEL : Please, Brooke, please. I don't want to be alone again, all right? I don't want to go to some strange place. I'll be good. I promise I'll stop. BROOKE : Honey, we both know that's not realistic. You have a problem, and you need to go. RACHEL : Brooke... Y-you're my only friend. If you... if you leave me this time, I won't make it. Please don't give upon me. Look, can't I just stay here with you? LUCAS'S BEDROOM Lucas is at his computer, Nathan walks in NATHAN : Look, man, I'm ... I'm sorry about what happened today with Dan. I let you down. I could have done better. I just... he got to me. You know? And I know you're always looking out for Jamie, it's just --you got to understand, I would never let anything happen to him. LUCAS : Then go be his dad. Work things out with your wife. NATHAN : It's really bad, man. LUCAS : And remember, it might be better to save your marriage than to be right on this one, okay? I mean, besides, since Haley's gonna be Lindsey's maid of honor, I'm really gonna need my best man to be getting along with her. NATHAN : Thanks, man. I, uh, I know that was supposed to be Keith. I'm... I'm honored. (Nathan leaves and Lucas looks at a picture of Keith) LUCAS : I miss you. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Haley walks in HALEY : hey, jim-jam. Time for bed, buddy. Here we go. Want me to, uh, read you a story? How about, "go, dog, go! You like that one, right? JAMIE : Where's daddy? HALEY : Mommy and daddy are just having a little... Bit of a tough time right now. He's staying with uncle Lucas. JAMIE : Is daddy gonna be sad again, like last time? HALEY : I don't think so. I hope not. JAMIE : Daddy stopped being sad when nanny Carrie came to live with us. He liked nanny Carrie. HALEY : I know this is probably really hard for you to understand 'cause you're... So little. Nanny Carrie wasn't a very nice lady, and she needed to go away. JAMIE : I wish nanny Carrie was my mama. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton's playing pool, Mia arrives MIA : So? PEYTON : Don't freak out, okay? But what if I told you that "only fooling myself" is gonna be your first single? Your record will be distributed nationally in six weeks. You will stay on red bedroom records, which John will now distribute worldwide. You have final say on touring, image rights, and album art, and you get to keep your publishing, which means you own all your own songs. MIA : And? PEYTON : And we get to stay together as a team. MIA : You did it! PEYTON : No, you did it with that performance! That was incredible! Dude, did you see his face when you freaked out on him? It was awesome! He was practically tripping over himself to give us this deal. MIA : You know, it wasn't that hard a performance. I meant every word. Except the part when I called you a sellout... not that part. PEYTON : Well, I think you've got to go home and pack your bags now, 'cause you're opening up in Houston tomorrow. MIA : What? PEYTON : Yeah, and for someone who I think that you know. Um, have you heard of Ryan Adams? MIA : Oh, my god! That's amazing! PEYTON : What? What's wrong? MIA : Oh, I-It's just... It all happened so fast. I'm not sure I'm y to say goodbye. PEYTON : No, you're ready. And it's not "goodbye". This is just the beginning of your dream come true. And I want you to know, I am really, really proud to be a part of it. Now go out there and be great. INSIDE OF A CAB, NEW YORK Brooke is with Rachel RACHEL : I can't be alone again. BROOKE : You're not gonna be. You're coming home with me. Come here. LUCAS'S BEDROOM Lucas is taking the picture of Keith LUCAS : I love you, Keith. I just hope I can behalf as good an uncle to Jamie as you were to me. I miss you. DAN'S HEARING MAN : After careful considerations, we have come to a decision. Mr. Scott... NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan arrives NATHAN : Haley, I'm sorry, okay? And I'm sorry for the way this looks, but before you say anything, just know that it's my fault. I should have done something earlier. I should have... I should have said something to you from the start. HALEY : She said that you kissed her. (Nathan stays still) HALEY : Did you? (Jamie arrives) JAMIE : Daddy's home! NATHAN : Buddy, what's up? Mommy and I need to talk right now, okay? So why don't you go out back and shoot around? You know what? Try to make five free throws in a row. And I'll be out there in a sec, okay? (Jamie goes outside) HALEY : It's a simple question, Nathan. Did you kiss her? NATHAN : No... But... She kissed me. HALEY : You looked me in the eye and you said that there's nothing else. And I have been through a lot with you, Nathan. I've been through better and worse, in sickness and health, but I will not do infidelity. NATHAN : It wasn't like that, okay? I wasn't into her. HALEY : You call kissing Carrie and watching her swim naked not being into her? NATHAN : I didn't kiss her! How many times do I have to tell you that? It wasn't me. It was Carrie. HALEY : No, it's you! It's always you! When are you gonna learn? When are you gonna stop making bad choices that threaten everything that we've built? NATHAN : Everything I have ever done was for this family, Haley! HALEY : Well, excuse us for being such a weight around your neck. NATHAN : I didn't say that, okay? And you know I didn't mean that. Don't put words in my mouth. HALEY : Well, somebody needs to, because you have a really nasty habit of neglecting to mention important details. NATHAN : Haley, you know what? I'm really trying hard to be honest about all this right now, but sometimes for you, it's just never enough, okay? And I can't take it anymore! HALEY : No it's my fault because I put so much pressure on you, and the best part is, you screw the nanny, and Jamie ends up hating me! NATHAN : I did not screw her! HALEY : Where is he? Jamie! While they were arguing, Jamie falls into the pool. Nathan and Haley run outside. Nathan jumps into the pool and gets him NATHAN : Jamie. HALEY : Jamie! Oh, god! Please! Jamie! He's breathing, right? NATHAN : I don't know! HALEY : Come here! Jamie! Jamie, open your eyes! Honey, wake up. Jamie, wake up. (Jamie coughs) HALEY : Okay. NATHAN : I'm so sorry. HALEY : No, you stay away from us! This marriage is over! NATHAN : Haley! HALEY : I w... I want a divorce.

Plan: A: New York; Q: Where does Brooke take Owen? A: a ghost; Q: What does Brooke face from her past? A: Haley; Q: Who reels from a devastating blow to her marriage? A: their courage; Q: What do Nathan and Lucas muster? A: Dan; Q: Who's parole hearing do Nathan and Lucas attend? A: A major record label; Q: What takes an interest in Peyton's recording artist? Summary: When Brooke takes Owen to New York for a glimpse of her other life, she's faced with a ghost from her past. Haley reels from a devastating blow to her marriage, while Nathan and Lucas muster their courage to attend Dan's parole hearing. A major record label takes an interest in Peyton's recording artist.

Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]] RACHEL: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. MONICA: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or ankle or something. NURSE: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up? Fill this out and bring it back to me. RACHEL: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. MONICA: All right. Name, address...Ok, in case of emergency call? RACHEL: You. MONICA: Really? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: Oh, that is so sweet. Oh gosh. I love you. Insurance? RACHEL: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that. Monica: You don't have insurance? RACHEL: Why, how much is this gonna cost? MONICA: I have no idea, but x-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars. RACHEL: Well what are we gonna do? MONICA: There's not much we can do. RACHEL: Um, unless, unless I use yours. MONICA: No no no no no no no no no. RACHEL: Well, now, wait a second. Who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" call person? MONICA: That's insurance fraud. RACHEL: Well, all right, then, forget it. Might as well just go home. Ow! MONICA: Ok. Ok. I hate this. RACHEL: Thank you. Thank you. I love you. MONICA: Hi. Um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms. NURSE: Why? MONICA: I am really an idiot. You see, I was filling out my friend's forms, and instead of putting her information, I put mine. NURSE: You are an idiot. MONICA: Yep, that's me. I am that stupid. ROSS: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. CHANDLER & JOEY: That's nice. ROSS: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me. JOEY: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. ROSS: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield. CHANDLER: What are you crazy? That's a baby! JOEY: He should take the sack? ROSS: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. CHANDLER: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad. JOEY: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking. Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive? CHANDLER: Well, only if you order stuff. JOEY: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday. ROSS: Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday? JOEY: When's that? ROSS: Tonight. JOEY: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening? ROSS: You take your time. CHANDLER: There it is! So what're you gonna do? JOEY: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula. CHANDLER: And your friend Phoebe? JOEY: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys? CHANDLER: Man if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit. DR. MITCHELL: Ok, uh, Monica? MONICA: Yes, yes she is. RACHEL: Hi, this is my friend Rachel. MONICA: Hi. DR. MITCHELL: Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Mitchell. DR. ROSIN: And I'm his friend, Dr. Rosin. RACHEL: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? DR. ROSIN: Excuse me? RACHEL: I meant young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh, Good Rach. MONICA: Thank you. RACHEL: Right. RACHEL: So, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it. MONICA: Uh, you left out the stupid part. RACHEL: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes. MONICA: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. I say we blow off the dates. RACHEL: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, cute doctors, doctors who are cute! CHANDLER: All right, what have we learned so far? ALL: Surprise! ROSS: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me. RACHEL: Was that the cake? ROSS: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon shmush. MONICA: Come on, she'll be here any minute. RACHEL: I hope it's ok. CHANDLER: Happy birthday Peehee. MONICA: Well maybe we can make a "b" out of one of those roses. ROSS: Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools. PHOEBE: Hey, what's going on? ALL: Surprise! PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, hi! You found Betty! Oh my god! This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room. Where's Joey? CHANDLER: Did you see Betty? MR. GELLER: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd 'a' said "get out of my office!" ROSS: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? MR. GELLER: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea-- ROSS: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing? MR. GELLER: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about? ROSS: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering. MR. GELLER: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can still do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that? ROSS: Thanks, Dad. Really, you know, I just, I just needed to know, when did you start to feel like a father? MR. GELLER: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew. So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg? ROSS: No, we can go to Williamsburg. MR. GELLER: Eat your fish. MONICA: Rachel, the cute doctors are here. RACHEL: Ok, coming! MONICA: Hi, come on in. DR. MITCHELL: Here, we brought wine. DR. ROSIN: And this is from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist? RACHEL: Oh, that's great. Look at that. DR. ROSIN: Monica, how's the ankle? MONICA: It's uh, well, uh, why don't you tell them? After all, it is your ankle. RACHEL: You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you. Well, listen, why don't you two sit down, and we'll get you some glasses....STAT. RACHEL: Ok, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are. I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine, I really do. MONICA: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble. RACHEL: Would you stop being such a wuss? MONICA: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, ok? DR. MITCHELL: So? DR. ROSIN: So, they still seem normal. MITCHELL: That's because they are normal. ROSIN: Ok, but you have to admit that every time we go out with women we meet at the hospital, it turns into-- MITCHELL: Would you relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. Go like this. MONICA: I said we are not going to do it. Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby. RACHEL: I am not a baby. You know what? MONICA: What? RACHEL: You know what? MONICA: What? RACHEL: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother. ROSIN: This is a great place. How long have you lived here? RACHEL: I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago. MONICA: Yeah, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar. Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but hey, that's me. Why don't you try the hummus? ROSIN: So, Monica, what do you do? RACHEL: Uh, I'm a uh, chef at a restaurant uptown. ROSIN: Good for you. RACHEL: Yeah it is. Mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do. ROSIN: This hummus is great. MITCHELL: God bless the chickpea. MONICA: (laughing) Oh, God, I am so spoiled. That's it. RACHEL: And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow. MONICA: I used to wet my bed. RACHEL: I use my breasts to get other people's attention. MONICA: We both do that. (phone rings) DR. MITCHELL: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Just a minute. Rachel, it's your dad. MONICA: Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. Listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you. Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Drestin and I had s*x on your bed. RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, why? Why would I sleep with Billy Drestin? His father tried to put you out of business! You are dead! MONICA: Ross, he's got the remote again. ROSS: Good. Maybe he can switch it back. Maybe not. RACHEL: Hello? Uh, yeah, uh, hold on a second. Let me see if she's here. It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. Oh, god, what do we do, what do we do? MONICA: Find out what they want. RACHEL: No, you do it. MONICA: Hello, this is Monica. Yeah? Oh, ok, yes, we'll be right down. Thank you. RACHEL: What? MONICA: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms. RACHEL: You were right, this was just not worth it. MONICA: Thank you. RACHEL: Ok, let me just change. JOEY: Hey. ROSS: Hey. PHOEBE: Hi. Trouble? JOEY: Your sister stood me up the other night. PHOEBE: Oh, no. Don't you just hate it when people aren't there for you? ROSS: Well did you try calling her? JOEY: I've been trying for two days. When I call the restaurant, they say she's too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off. PHOEBE: Hey. URSULA: Oh. PHOEBE: Um, you, got a minute? URSULA: Um, yeah, I'm just working. PHOEBE: So. URSULA: Uh-huh. PHOEBE: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present. URSULA: Oh, wow! You remembered! Oh, it's a Judy Jetson thermos. PHOEBE: Right, like the kind you-- URSULA: Right. Oh, I got something for you too. PHOEBE: How'd you know I was coming? URSULA: Um, yeah, um, twin thing. PHOEBE: I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you--did this. So, what's the deal with uh you and Joey? URSULA: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over. PHOEBE: Does he know? URSULA: Who? PHOEBE: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you. URSULA: He is? Why? PHOEBE: You got me. URSULA: Right. Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad? PHOEBE: So, um, are you gonna call him? URSULA: Why, do you think he likes me? PHOEBE: No. Joey. URSULA: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. Do you want some chicken? PHOEBE: No. No food with a face. URSULA: You have not changed. PHOEBE: Yeah, you too. [SCENE_BREAK] RACHEL: Hi, remember us? NURSE: Mmm hmmm. MONICA: You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on an admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one because uh, you see, I, I put the wrong name again. 'Cause um... NURSE: You're that stupid. MONICA: I am. I'm that stupid. RACHEL: And I'm just gonna pay for this with a check. NURSE: You know your insurance will cover that. RACHEL: I know. I'm just not that bright either. CHANDLER: Ok, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father. Say your son never feels connected to you as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this. ROSS: Do you have a point? CHANDLER: You know, you'd think I would. What's up with the simian? ROSS: It's just a furball. CHANDLER: Ok, who's turn is it? ROSS: Yours. I just got 43 points for "kidney". CHANDLER: No, no, you got zero points for "idney". ROSS: I had a "k". Where's my "k"? ROSS: You've got to help me! My monkey swallowed a "k"! NURSE: You get that animal out of here. ROSS: No, you don't understand. The animal hospital is way across town. He's choking. I don't know what else to do. MONICA: What's goin' on? CHANDLER: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile. NURSE: Excuse me. This hospital is for people. ROSS: Lady, he is people. He has a name, ok? He watches Jeopardy. He touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please, have a heart! DR. MITCHELL: I'll take a look at him. RACHEL and MONICA: Oh, thank you. MONICA: Michael. DR. MITCHELL: Rachel. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Monica. RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: Hi. RACHEL: Hi. PHOEBE: Hey. JOEY: Urs, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you. PHOEBE: Listen, um. JOEY: No, no, no, don't say "listen". I know that "listen". I've said that "listen". PHOEBE: I'm sorry. JOEY: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge? PHOEBE: Yeah, um, you know, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk. JOEY: You don't drink PHOEBE; That's right, I don't, but I was, I was drunk on you. JOEY: Urs-- PHOEBE: Ok, yeah, so it's not gonna work. JOEY: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? PHOEBE: If it was, would you stop hanging out with her? JOEY: No. No, I, I couldn't do that. PHOEBE: Um, then yes, 'cause of Phoebe. So, you know, it's either her or me. JOEY: Then, uh, then I'm sorry. PHOEBE: You know, you're gonna be really, really hard to get over. JOEY: I know. I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or what, but you have never looked so beautiful. PHOEBE: Really? (kiss) JOEY: Pheebs? PHOEBE: Yeah. ROSS: He looks so tiny. JOEY: We just got the message. PHOEBE: Is he all right? ROSS: Yeah. The doctor got the "k" out. He also found an "m" and an "o". CHANDLER: We think he was trying to spell out "monkey". ROSS: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine. He's just sleeping now. CHANDLER: So, you feel like a dad yet? ROSS: No, why? CHANDLER: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.

Plan: A: the hospital; Q: Where does Marcel go after swallowing Scrabble tiles? A: Rachel; Q: Who convinces Monica to trade identities? A: no health insurance; Q: What does Rachel not have? A: Monica's coverage; Q: What does Rachel want to use? A: two; Q: How many attractive doctors do Monica and Rachel meet? A: George Clooney; Q: Who is one of the doctors that Monica and Rachel meet? A: a date; Q: What do Rachel and Monica arrange? A: their switched identities; Q: What do Rachel and Monica have to maintain? A: Ursula; Q: Who dumps Joey? A: Phoebe; Q: Who pretends to be Ursula? A: Ross; Q: Who takes care of Marcel? A: Seinfeld; Q: What show aired between the two parts of this episode? Summary: At the hospital, Rachel, who has no health insurance, convinces Monica to trade identities with her so she can use Monica's coverage. The women meet two attractive doctors (George Clooney and Noah Wyle) and arrange a date, requiring them to maintain their switched identities. Ursula dumps Joey without actually telling him, so Phoebe pretends to be her so Joey will finally know. Ross doubts his ability to be a father. After Marcel swallows Scrabble tiles and has a trip to the hospital, Ross takes care of him, giving him confidence to be a good father. A repeat of Seinfeld originally aired between both parts of this two-part episode.[12]

THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD by DAVID WHITAKER first broadcast - 23rd December 1967 running time - 23mins 45secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. BEACH (The TARDIS fades into existence. The DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA step out onto the beach to be greeted by crashing waves and a seashore.) JAMIE: Where are we, Doctor? DOCTOR: We're by the seaside, that's where we are. That's all that matters. JAMIE: Aye, but where? VICTORIA: Yes Doctor, we must know. DOCTOR: Oh, stop fussing, you two, come on. (The DOCTOR runs for the water.) DOCTOR: Come on, you two. No wait a minute. See if there's any buckets and spades in the TARDIS. (The DOCTOR takes off his shoes and socks and paddles in the sea.) JAMIE: Buckets and spades? Is he going to dig for worms? VICTORIA: No, he wants us to play sand castles. JAMIE: Sand castles? What does he think we are, a couple of children? [SCENE_BREAK] 2. HOVERCRAFT (On board a nearby hovercraft out at sea one of the three-men crew spots the DOCTOR jumping up and down on the shore.) ANTON: Hey, Rod, pass me them binoculars. ROD: Now what's biting you? ANTON: Some crazy nut dancing a jig. (He peers through the binoculars.) ANTON: Hey, wait a minute. (He peers closer at the DOCTOR through the binoculars.) ANTON: It can't be. (To the other two men.) Get below fast, both of you. ROD: What's the matter? ANTON: Move! [SCENE_BREAK] 3. BEACH (Meanwhile the DOCTOR is still jumping up and down in the sea.) DOCTOR: Come on in, the water's lovely. You don't know what you're missing. VICTORIA: Doctor! You'll catch your death. (The Doctor kicks and stubs his toe on a rock and Jamie laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. HOVERCRAFT (ROD is looking through the binoculars at the DOCTOR.) ROD: Well what do you know? You're right, it is him. ANTON: What are we going to do? [SCENE_BREAK] 5. OFFICE (ASTRID Ferrier, a woman in her early thirties and dressed in a black jumpsuit is sitting on a desk working on some papers. Her communicator bleeps and she switches it on.) ASTRID: Yes. ANTON: (OOV.) This is Anton. ASTRID: Where are you? ANTON: (OOV.) Ten miles west of Cape Harod. Now listen. ASTRID: Wait a minute. (She checks the location of the hovercraft on the map on her desk.) ASTRID: What are you doing there? ANTON: (OOV.) What do you think we're doing, fishing? ASTRID: I shouldn't be surprised. ANTON: (OOV.) Oh yeah. We'll this time we've caught a whale. HE'S here! ASTRID: (Surprised.) Well that's physically impossible. ANTON: (OOV.) It's him all right, there's no shadow of doubt about it. ASTRID: Oh no, you're making a mistake, you must be. ANTON: (OOV.) Now listen, there are three of us here. We've all had a look. ASTRID: Well if you're that definite I'll contact Giles. ANTON: (OOV.) No! We'll take care of this ourselves. ASTRID: Listen, Anton, you'll do nothing without Giles' agreement. ANTON: (OOV.) There isn't time! ASTRID: Make time. ANTON: (OOV.) If you think I'm going to pass up a chance like this, you're crazy. ASTRID: Well at least wait till I get there. (But the communicator goes dead.) ASTRID: Anton! Anton! [SCENE_BREAK] 6. HOVERCRAFT (The three men draw out guns...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. ASTRID/KENT'S OFFICE (ASTRID and her boss GILES KENT talk via the communicator and we cut from one to the other as they speak.) ASTRID: Giles, that's just what I said. How could it be him? KENT: It's a mistake, it must be. ASTRID: Yes, I know, but he was definite. He's going to kill him. KENT: I don't care. Get after them, stop them! ASTRID: But Giles what can I do? KENT: Look, I don't care what you do Astrid, but stop them! [SCENE_BREAK] 8. BEACH (The DOCTOR has come out of the sea and has put his shoes back on.) DOCTOR: Oh, there's nothing like a dip to freshen you up. (JAMIE spots the hovercraft rushing towards them.) JAMIE: Hey, that's a funny looking boat. DOCTOR: It's not a boat, it's a hovercraft. JAMIE: (Puzzled.) Eh? DOCTOR: It's a hovercraft. It floats on the air instead of the sea. JAMIE: (Disbelieving.) Oh, yes, I see. I'm too old for fairy tales. DOCTOR: No it's true, Jamie. VICTORIA: (Hearing its roar.) A terrifying thing. It's like a sea monster. JAMIE: Oh, we'll soon get a closer look, it's coming nearer. DOCTOR: (Catching sight of what those three men are carrying.) Oh yes. Yes. I don't think I like the look of this. Let's go. VICTORIA: Why, what's the matter? DOCTOR: Come on, run! JAMIE: Yeah, but... DOCTOR: Don't argue, run. Come on. Come on! (Behind them the three men start to open fire on the TARDIS team and they start to rush up the cliff. ANTON, ROD and the other man climb out of the hovercraft and rush after them, firing all the time. The three time travellers stop under a sand bank.) JAMIE: If only we had a gun! VICTORIA: But why would they want to harm us? DOCTOR: Why indeed? What now? VICTORIA: Look Doctor, can't we go back to the TARDIS? DOCTOR: No, we'd never make it. There's not much cover here. VICTORIA: Perhaps we've landed in a world of mad men. DOCTOR: They're human beings, if that's what you mean. Indulging their favourite past time - trying to destroy each other. Time we went, come on. (They carried on running. Suddenly ROD comes out of nowhere and aims his gun at them...) JAMIE: Creag an tuire! (JAMIE leaps onto ROD and punches the man unconscious.) VICTORIA: Oh, well done. (Another noise is heard - that of a helicopter.) JAMIE: What's that? [SCENE_BREAK] 9. BEACH (The helicopter was also spotted by the pursers.) CURLY: I know those markings, that's Astrid's runabout. What's she doing here? ANTON: Interfering. We've got to get to him before she does. (They reload their guns and the chase continues. ASTRID spots the three time travellers and lands her helicopter near them.) JAMIE: What is it, Doctor? VICTORIA: Oh, I'm frightened! (ASTRID waves at them from the helicopter.) ASTRID: Over here! Run! VICTORIA: I can't! I can't! DOCTOR: You must, it's our only chance. (The three start to run.) ASTRID: Hurry! DOCTOR: Come on! (The three arrive at the helicopter and climb into the small cockpit. Behind them, the three gunmen arrive and see what is happening. ANTON roars with rage, and while the helicopter takes off, the three men start to fire at the helicopter, and one of the shots hits the fuel line of the helicopter and liquid starts of leak out. ANTON pulls down the guns of the other two men, and the three starts to rush back to their hovercraft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. HELICOPTER DOCTOR: A very timely and welcome rescue. ASTRID: (Struggling with the controls.) Don't speak to me for a moment, please. JAMIE: But what is this thing, Doctor? DOCTOR: It's a helicopter, Jamie. JAMIE: Eh? DOCTOR: A chopper. You know, a whirly bird. JAMIE: (To VICTORIA.) He say's it's a bird! DOCTOR: No, no, no. It's a primitive form of flying machine. VICTORIA: Well at least we're safe now, aren't we? ASTRID: (Overhearing this.) Depends on what you mean by been safe. They've shot a hole in the fuel tank. We might blow up any minute. (JAMIE and VICTORIA look at each other in horror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. BEACH (The three gunmen arrive back at the hovercraft, and with ANTON pushing the others in an effort to make them to hurry up, the hovercraft rushes back out to sea in an effort to catch up with the helicopter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. AIR/SEA (Footage of the hovercraft and helicopter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. HELICOPTER, AIR (The helicopter now is over a small bungalow.) ASTRID: Here we go. (The helicopter gently touches down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. BUNGALOW, OUTSIDE (JAMIE and VICTORIA climb out of the helicopter and head towards the house. The DOCTOR, however, notices that ASTRID is clutching her shoulder.) DOCTOR: Wait, you're hurt? ASTRID: It's nothing. We're lucky to be still alive. DOCTOR: Jamie, give her a hand. (ASTRID leans on JAMIE as they enter the Bungalow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. BUNGALOW (The Bungalow is comfortably furnished.) DOCTOR: Come along inside. ASTRID: I'm all right. (She stops leaning on JAMIE.) DOCTOR: Now let's have a look at it. You're not, and please don't argue. Victoria, bring some warm water will you. VICTORIA: (Looking around.) Well where's the kitchen? ASTRID: Through the arch. There's a medical kit in the bathroom, through there. (Points.) DOCTOR: Go and fetch it, will you Jamie. JAMIE: Right. (He moves forward in order to get the kit.) DOCTOR: Come and sit down. ASTRID: It's nothing. It's just a scratch. DOCTOR: We'll see. (ASTRID sits down and the DOCTOR examines the wound.) DOCTOR: Oh, yes... ASTRID: Who are you? DOCTOR: You mean you don't know? ASTRID: No, why should I? DOCTOR: Well you went to such a great deal of trouble to save us. (JAMIE reappears with the kit and gives it to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Ah, there we are. Thank you, Jamie. ASTRID: Do you know how to use those things? JAMIE: Oh, don't worry, the Doctor will fix you up just fine. (While the DOCTOR dresses the wound...) ASTRID: Oh, you're a Doctor? DOCTOR: Well not of any medical significance. ASTRID: Doctor of law? Philosophy? DOCTOR: Which law? Whose philosophies, eh? ASTRID: I see, you're determined to be mysterious. DOCTOR: Am I? ASTRID: Um, Doctor of science? DOCTOR: Septic spray. (The DOCTOR sprays the wound.) DOCTOR: That should be right. ASTRID: A Doctor of divinity then? DOCTOR: You'll run out of Doctors in a minute. Now, you haven't told us your name yet. ASTRID: Astrid Ferrier. DOCTOR: Ah, Miss Ferrier, this is Victoria and this is Jamie. Now this won't take a minute... just want to clean it off... be as gentle as I can. (The DOCTOR cleans the wound and then binds it with a handkerchief.) DOCTOR: There we are. Who are these men? Why are they so determined to kill us? ASTRID: Kill you? They hate you. (An amazed look appears on the DOCTOR's face.) DOCTOR: Me? I'm the nicest possible person. ASTRID: Or at least I should say they hate the person that they think you are. Passionately and completely. VICTORIA: Can't we tell them they've made a mistake? ASTRID: There wouldn't be time. DOCTOR: They seem remarkably dedicated. ASTRID: They are. DOCTOR: There. (The DOCTOR finishes dressing ASTRID's wound.) DOCTOR: Tell me, Miss Ferrier, do you hate me? ASTRID: Far from it. To me your the most wonderful and marvelous man that's ever dropped out of the skies. Will you do something for me? DOCTOR: Anything, anything at all. ASTRID: It will probably cost you you're life! (A worried and regretful look appears on the DOCTOR's face.) ASTRID: Oh, but it would be worth it. DOCTOR: Oh that's... that's comforting anyway. What is it that you want me to do? ASTRID: Let me take you to the man I work for, Giles Kent. He'll explain everything you want to know. (The DOCTOR stands up.) DOCTOR: I don't think so, Miss Ferrier. No, I'm sorry. JAMIE: Um, can we not just listen, Doctor? There's no harm in that. DOCTOR: There's a great deal of harm in it. You don't suppose Miss Ferrier saved our skins for our sakes, do you? Now what is it you want us for? ASTRID: You resemble very closely a man who's determined to be dictator of the world. A man who'll stop at nothing. VICTORIA: A dictator? Like Napoleon? DOCTOR: Who is he? ASTRID: Salamander! DOCTOR: Salamander? ASTRID: I know it's surprising. Let me take you to Giles Kent. (The hovercraft noise arrives and is now can be heard by everybody.) VICTORIA: Oh you're not going to agree? (ASTRID realises who it is...) ASTRID: The back door! Hurry! (The DOCTOR looks out the window to see the three gunmen rushing towards the house and throw themselves against the door.) DOCTOR: It's too late! ASTRID: In there! (Even as they reach the glass patio doors, the third gunman appears, rifle at the ready, on the paved terrace at the back of the bungalow. ASTRID runs back and slips behind the arch dividing the long L-shaped room. The DOCTOR has already pulled VICTORIA and JAMIE behind a large couch. Warily the gunman enters the room. As he reaches the arch, ASTRID grabs his arm with her good hand and throws him over her shoulder. JAMIE breaks cover and seizes the rifle as the gunman hits the floor.) ASTRID: Run for it! (All of them run for the broken patio door, as the main front door is punched off its hinges by the other two men. The gunman is struggling to stand up but ROD, who is firing wildly his gun at anybody, hits the third man in the chest who collapses in a pool of blood.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. OUTSIDE (Outside the patio, JAMIE helps ASTRID again who is weak from doing the karate chop.) JAMIE: Come on! Miss Ferrier, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 17. BATHROOM (ANTON arrives into the doorway of the bathroom and ROD is looking down in horror at the body of the third man.) ROD: But I... He was framed against the window. I saw him, he was trying to get out! ANTON: No time now, they'll get away! ROD: (Looking out the patio window.) There they are! ANTON: Wait! If we can get up in the air above them, we can finish this. Now let's get to that helicopter! [SCENE_BREAK] 18. OUTSIDE (The four run outside but stop when ASTRID hears the sound of the helicopter start up.) ASTRID: The helicopter. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. HELICOPTER (ANTON and ROD start up the helicopter and take off but the fuel pipe is still leaking.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. GROUND (ASTRID sees the fuel-pipe leaking more and more...) ASTRID: It'll blow up! [SCENE_BREAK] 21. HELICOPTER (ANTON aims his gun at the four figures on the ground... As the leaking fuel sparks, and the helicopter blows up, and the wreckage falls to the ground...) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. ASTRID/KENT'S OFFICE (Some time later, KENT is walking around the DOCTOR with an amazed look on his face, while the DOCTOR has a face which is saying "Just what is going on?") KENT: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. DOCTOR: I'm not a specimen in a glass bowl, you know? KENT: Ah, I'm sorry. Do sit down. DOCTOR: (Sitting down.) Oh, thank you. KENT: It's just so astonishing. You are Salamander. ASTRID: Do you see what I mean? KENT: But surely you know how alike you are? After all, Salamander is a world figure. DOCTOR: Well... well my friends and I, we've been out of touch... with civilisation for a while. We're visitors, so to speak, um. On ice shall we say. KENT: I see. Where shall I start? DOCTOR: At the beginning please. We've been subjected to a number of attacks because I look like this Salamander of yours. KENT: I'm not surprised. I'll show you why. I have a video wire of Salamander, addressing the United Zones Conference on World Food. (On the screen in KENT's office a picture of a man carrying a microphone appears, and behind him is a huge crowd.) REPORTER: (OOV.) And meanwhile, over at the United Zones General Assembly, from all over the world delegates are flocking in, eager to hear the latest report from Leader Salamander. (And then... a man appears on a platform... He is the DOCTOR, but yet it isn't... The black hair is neatly gelled down and not the usual mess. And intend of the black frock-coat, he is wearing a suit that looks like he is a king or royalty. He speaks in a Mexican accent...) SALAMANDER: (OOV.) The progress, Mr President, of the Sun Conservation establishment at Kanowa, in the Australasian Zone... (The sight of SALAMANDER raises cries of surprise from the three TARDIS travellers.) SALAMANDER: (OOV.) ...is I'm delighted to report highly satisfactory. (Applause.) SALAMANDER: (OOV.) But we cannot yet guarantee good summer holidays for all. (Laughter.) SALAMANDER: (OOV.) However, we have now in orbit the Mark VII Sun Catcher, and already we have been able to concentrate the sun's rays into much needed areas. The great Canadian wheat plains are safe. (Applause.) SALAMANDER: (OOV.) And now, Mr President: Ukraine - the grain field of the planet - an unfortunate area between Bucava and Kirovograd devastated by the elements two short years ago. What have I got to say to you about that? I can tell you that on both banks of the Dnieper river the corn is ripening in the sun! And ten-thousand robot harvesters are moving down to gather in fifty million tons of flour! (More applause as the video ends.) VICTORIA: There's nothing there to say he's a bad man. DOCTOR: I quite agree, Victoria. He seems to be a public benefactor. Quite a speaker too and remarkably handsome, didn't you think so Jamie? KENT: He's one of the most popular men on the planet. Many people call him the shopkeeper of the world. The saviour, in fact, some of them. JAMIE: Well what's he saved the world from? ASTRID: Starvation - too many people, too little food. KENT: Until Salamander invented his Sun Store. Surely you've heard? You must know? DOCTOR: Oh yes, well of course we've heard something. KENT: The Sun Store collects the rays from the sun and stores them in concentrated form. JAMIE: Oh, like the ioniser, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, a rather different principle I think, Jamie. VICTORIA: Well never mind how it works! What's it for? KENT: Salamander can force-grow three, sometimes four, crops in one summer. JAMIE: Well why do these men want to kill him. I mean, one minute you say he's saving the world, the next... KENT: For his own ends! Step by step he's taking control of this planet. DOCTOR: You have proof of this? KENT: Some, yes. I was once a high official in the World Zone Authority - Deputy Security Leader for North Africa and Europe - but Salamander discredited and ruined me because he realized I was beginning to get suspicious. DOCTOR: But you could be making up stories about Salamander! Out of revenge. KENT: Yes, I suppose so. Then you can judge for yourself. You remember Michael Assevski - he was Controller of the Eastern European Zone? He was drowned at sea a mile from shore. Hockingham murdered! All of them were seen with Salamander, or a man known as his deputy, shortly before their deaths. ASTRID: All of them were replaced by men known to be in Salamander's power. DOCTOR: Known by who? KENT: By me, Doctor. DOCTOR: Well why don't you tell the authorities, the police or whatever? KENT: Because I'm discredited, don't you see? Because Salamander is so popular, and also because the man that took my place, a man named Donald Bruce, has since risen to become overall security chief. DOCTOR: Surely there is someone you can take your story to? KENT: Ah yes, Helvig believed me. So did Assevski, and they're dead. However, there is one other man, a man named Alexander Denes, but none of them will do anything until it's too late! VICTORIA: I'm surprised. Well if Salamander is everything you say he is, then why hasn't he tried to... KENT: Dispose of me? VICTORIA: Yes. KENT: Well he has, but he's afraid. You see, the testimony of a dead man still holds legal weight. DOCTOR: Oh, I see. (To his companions.) Well, it seems we have a problem on our hands whether to believe Mr Kent or not. KENT: Well there is one way that you can find out for yourselves. DOCTOR: Oh, how? ASTRID: Impersonate Salamander. DOCTOR: Yes I thought that's what we were leading up to. JAMIE: Well I must admit, Doctor, you do look like him. VICTORIA: Exactly like him. DOCTOR: Yes, there's more to it than that. What about the voice? ASTRID: Well it's nearly the same pitch, only the accent. DOCTOR: Only the accent! My dear young lady. Oh dear. Now what was it he said... We still cannot guarantee good summer holidays for all. No. Guarantee... no, no, no... guaran... guarantee. You see, it's very difficult. Hmm, of course I always was interested in phonetics. Holidays... summer... summer. He must have come from Mexico, Quintana Roo or Yucatan or somewhere... KENT: That's incredible, Doctor, he was born at Merida, state capital of Yucatan. DOCTOR: Yes, there are other very strong influences though. Oh, I could do it in time. But what if I did it, what then? KENT: You could walk into Salamander's research station at Kanowa, find out how he's getting control of the separate World Zones, and then bring out absolute proof. (The communicator on his desk buzzes. He picks up the phone and speaks into it.) KENT: Yes. I see. (He puts the phone down and turns to the DOCTOR.) KENT: How long did you say it would take you to master Salamander's accent? DOCTOR: I didn't. It would take three weeks, perhaps four. KENT: Well while we've been talking, the Security Chief I told you about, Donald Bruce, has since cordoned off this entire area. He's coming here himself. Now! I'd say you've got about two minutes, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Furious.) But that's out of the question! KENT: You know what he'll do as soon as he sees you, a man who resembles Salamander so closely? VICTORIA: Oh that's not fair! KENT: Will you please listen! You'll be under arrest for impersonation as soon as he sees you. I mean it. DOCTOR: But isn't there another way out of this? KENT: Only one - be Salamander. VICTORIA: But the clothes! KENT: (Opening a cupboard.) Yes, there are some in here. A little less eccentric, but do the best you can. DOCTOR: I won't! I can't! KENT: Your friends, Doctor, do you want them to suffer? Because they will, you know. DOCTOR: (Thinks.) No, wait a minute! Why is a man like Bruce coming here? KENT: Don't push me, there isn't time. DOCTOR: (Rounding on KENT.) You sent for him, didn't you? You tipped him off! KENT: I couldn't miss an opportunity like this, now please come on. ASTRID: Giles, for heaven's sake, what have you done? It's far too risky. (KENT shoves the DOCTOR into the cupboard room and shuts the door, just as the main door to the room burst open and BRUCE, a big man wearing glasses, walks into the room.) BRUCE: Hello Kent. Doing some recruiting are you? A bit young for killers, aren't they? VICTORIA: What do you mean? KENT: All right, what do you mean by stepping in here like this? BRUCE: Anytime, Kent. I've got the right and you know it. Anytime I like. KENT: All right, what do you want? BRUCE: That's better, you're ex-security, you know the way it's got to go. We might as well be nice and civil about it, mightn't we? (He turns to ASTRID.) BRUCE: That bungalow in Cedar District. In your name, right? ASTRID: Why? BRUCE: Do I have to tell you? There's been an awful nasty mess out there. Someone has got himself shot in your living room. (He notices VICTORIA and JAMIE.) BRUCE: And who are you two? JAMIE: Jamie McCrimmon. BRUCE: And? JAMIE: (Jumping in.) Victoria Waterfield. BRUCE: (To VICTORIA.) What's the matter, can't you speak? VICTORIA: (Looking straight at BRUCE and speaks in a no-nonsense voice.) Don't shout at me. BRUCE: Oh, very good, the outraged public citizen. (To KENT.) Do they know who I am? KENT: Yes they do. BRUCE: A pity, I like to hear you say it. Now listen to this, all of you. One of your men was murdered in a bungalow rented to you. The remains of two others were found in what was left of a helicopter. You were in that bungalow at the time. And there were three other people with you, two youngsters and a man. Right? (Nobody says a word.) BRUCE: Now, there was another man, wasn't there? So we'll deal with that first? Where is he? (The DOCTOR walks in. He now wears one of SALAMANDER's suits, and has his hair wetted down in an attempt to make it looked gelled. He notice BRUCE, who is looked surprised, and walks up to him.) DOCTOR: Why hello Bruce, what are you doing here, huh?

Plan: A: the famous scientist Salamander; Q: Who is the Doctor's double? Summary: After the Doctor is attacked by a group of mysterious gunmen, he discovers he is the physical double of the famous scientist Salamander.

"The Balance" 10th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 1ADA09 [SCENE_BREAK] (Liz and Maria are working at the Crashdown. Liz is in a really good mood, while Maria is having a bad day) Voice-Over: There are days when everything seems wrong, when little things just irk you for no good reason. And then there are days like today when the whole world just sings to you from the minute you open your eyes in the morning, till the minute you shut them again at night, days when you actually enjoy cleaning the milk shake machine. Maria: God, this day sucks. Table 2 says their bacon's not crisp enough. Isn't anybody ever satisfied? (Max and Michael enter the Crashdown) Maria: Well, if it isn't Prince Charming and Quasimodo. (Max and Michael sit down at their usual booth) Michael: Hey, do we have to eat here? Max: I'm, uh, really in the mood for a piece of Men in Black-berry pie. Reminds you of something, don't it? Michael: Compared to nuclear winter, no. Maria: What are you doing? Liz: Max likes cherry cola. What does Michael like? Maria: Cherry cola with arsenic? Michael: Can we please leave? All right? I'll buy you a whole one at the House of Pies. Max: What's your problem, Michael? I thought maybe you'd want to see Maria. Michael: We kind of broke up. Max: What? Why didn't you tell me? Michael: Look, I don't...I'm not sure if we did or didn't. I mean, it's confusing. Liz: Cherry cola. On the house. Maria: Yours is $1.25. Michael: Guess it's not really confusing anymore, is it? (Michael gets up to leave and as he does so, he spills his glass of cola over the table. In the process, Max and Michael's books drop to the floor. Michael picks up Max's notebook and pulls out a sheet of paper that has hieroglyphic symbols from River Dog's cave drawn on it.) Michael: What's this? Max: Put that away. Michael: Now, I know this. This is from... Max: Not here, Michael. Michael: What are you hiding from me, Max? (Opening credits) (Maria is filling an alien doll with lots of needles) Alex: Anyone I know? Maria: Alex, where have you been? We've been looking for you the last couple of days. Alex: Oh, well, I've been feeling, you know, a little rocky about...things, you know? So I took some time, you know? A little personal reflection, a little research. Maria: So, um, where did you come out in all of this? Alex: Well, I've got 2 theories. One is that...uh, you and Liz have been brainwashed by a drug cult. Maria: Yeah? Alex: And the other is...I'm trapped inside some extremely long, extremely weird nightmare. Maria: Yeah, well, the first couple of days were pretty tough for me, too, but trust me, they will not hurt you....I mean, physically. Alex: What actually makes you believe in any of this? Maria: Well, I guess when Liz was shot and Max dissolved the bullet into nothingness and then repaired the damages inside of her that would have otherwise left her dead, I guess that kind of changed my thinking. Alex: Well, I guess maybe I should talk with one of them directly. Maria: Yeah. Alex: Maybe Isabel. Maria: Isabel. One piece of advice, ok? Don't get involved with them. I mean, look at me and Michael. Granted, the passion was outrageous, but in the end, they're pretty heartless. (In Max's room at home, Michael and Isabel are asking Max about the symbols on the paper that Michael found in Max's notebook) Max: I just drew it from memory. It was painted on the wall of the cave that River Dog took us to. I don't even know if it means anything. Isabel: Of course it means something. Why else would we all recognize it? Just like the pendant, Max. It's like our language or something. It's familiar, but I can't seem to remember how to read it. Michael: What i want to know is how long were you planning on keeping this from us, Max? Max: Too much was happening, Michael. Topolsky was all over us, and I couldn't risk that...I just thought I should wait, that's all. Michael: No, no, no. Go ahead and finish that. You couldn't take the risk that what? I would go do something stupid? Max: That's not what I said. Michael: Well, you didn't have to. Isabel: I'm sure Max had his reasons, Michael. Michael: Yeah, that he couldn't trust me with that. But he could trust Liz. Max: She was there. I couldn't just...why am I defending myself? This is exactly why I didn't tell you. Because you would jump to some wild conclusion and go off and do something crazy without even telling us. I didn't think that was particularly wise with the FBI following us around. Isabel: You should have told us, Max. Mrs. Evans: Max, honey? Liz is here. Max: We're just...going out. Michael: You're going out? Isabel: What? Like on a date? Max: No, not at all. We both just kind of felt like Chinese food. It's no big deal. Isabel: Then why are you changing your shirt? Max: I'm late. We'll figure out the questions we want to ask, and then we'll go back to River Dog together, ok? Please, Michael. Leave it alone for now. Michael: Fine. I'll wait. Mrs. Evans: Max! Max: We'll talk when I get back. Michael: Do you ever wonder what else he tells Liz that he doesn't tell us? Isabel: Oh, please. You're one to talk. What have you been whispering in Maria's ear lately? Michael: At least I'm smart enough not to get attached. I can walk away from anybody if I have to. Isabel: What is that supposed to mean? Michael: It means I'm not gonna let Max's mistakes keep me from finding out what I need to know. Isabel: Oh, Michael, you promised. Michael: I promise I'll be as trustworthy as Max. (Michael leaves out the window) (Michael arrives at the Mescalero Indian reservation) Michael: I'm looking for somebody named River Dog. River Dog. Eddie: She's not deaf. She's just not answering you. My name's Eddie. Who are you? Michael: Well, Eddie, I'm somebody looking for River Dog. Eddie: He's busy...in the tent. It's a sacred ritual. You can't go in unless somebody invites you. Michael: So invite me. Eddie: It's a sweat. It's a spiritual cleansing. It's intense. Michael: If that's where he is, then that's where I want to go. (At the Crashdown, Alex and Isabel are sitting at a booth discussing humans and aliens) Alex: It doesn't add up. I mean, the human body is the most intricate and complex machine in the universe. No matter how sophisticated your race is, I mean, how could you possibly just take on human form? Isabel: Fine. I'm not an alien. Whatever you say. Alex: Ok, then let's just say it were possible, all right? Why on earth would...excuse the phrase. Why would you be sent here to begin with? I mean, what purpose could you possibly have? Isabel: To wipe out the world, one annoying teenager at a time. Alex: Sorry. Isabel: I don't know. When we came out of these pods, we looked just like normal kids. We've never been anything else but what you see. No green skin, no antennas. We have emotions, we feel pain, and we probably have more questions about ourselves than you do. I mean, haven't you ever felt different from everybody else? Like if you tried to reveal your true self to someone, they just would never understand. Alex: Yeah. Isabel: Well, that's what it's like to be us. We're just as human as you are, Alex...only we can manipulate the molecular structure of things. Alex: What? (Isabel reaches for a bottle of ketchup and turns the ketchup into mustard, leaving Alex with an amazed look on his face) (Michael and Eddie enter the tent) Michael: Is that River Dog? Eddie: Don't worry. He knows you're here. No talking right now. Just follow the chant. (Eddie and Michael take part in the ritual, drinking water from a bowl that is passed in a circle to each person in the tent. River Dog throws something into the fire, causing the fire to crackle with life. Eddie and Michael leave after a short time in the tent) Eddie: I told you it was intense. Michael: What the hell was that? (Back in the Crashdown, Alex and Isabel continue their conversation) Isabel: This is the closest we've ever come to any kind of connection with our... Alex: With your home...yeah. Isabel: Yeah. Look, the whole staring thing is making me very uncomfortable. Alex: What staring thing? Isabel: You haven't taken your eyes off me all night. It's like you're waiting for me to turn into something else. Alex: Oh, I'm...I'm sorry. I won't stare at you anymore. I'll just...I'll look at this. (Alex looks over the paper with the alien symbols on it) Isabel: I think you've seen enough for one night. (Liz and Max are on their date playing billiards. Liz is playing like a pool shark, making lots of different shots) Max: Very nice. Liz: Make sure it's lined up. Max: Like that? Liz: Ok. Oh! Liz: Ha ha. You have chalk on your face. Liz: Like that. (Liz and Max finish their dinner and Liz cracks open her fortune cookie) Liz: Ok, this is my favorite part. It says, "this is the best night of your life." Max: Is that really what it says? Liz: Well, it's better than "a broken clock is still right twice a day." Max: You're right. I like yours better. Liz: Ok, let me see yours. Max: "Ask a girl to dance with you." Liz: Is that really what it says? Max: It depends on your answer. Liz: Yes. Max: Then that's really what it says. Liz: Ok. (Max and Liz start dancing) Liz: My parents are away for the weekend. They're at a stargazing camp-out. Something about Venus being in the morning sky. Max: I thought she was right in front of me. (Maria interrupts Max and Liz as they kiss) Maria: Max. Liz. You guys have to come back to the Crashdown. It's Michael. (Max, Liz, and Maria arrive back at the Crashdown to see Michael lying on the ground with his head on Isabel's lap. Isabel is stroking Michael's forehead) Isabel: Something's wrong, Max. He's really sick. (Michael seems to have recovered a little) Isabel: Here, drink some more water. It's helping. Michael: I feel better. Maria: Maybe he should eat, you know? Starve a cold, feed a fever? Alex: Echinacea always worked for me. Michael: I said I was better, all right? I feel perfectly fine. Isabel: You were burning up a minute ago, Michael. Michael: Well, whatever it was, it's over now, ok? I just want to go home. Max: I'll drive you. Michael: I wouldn't want to ruin your date. Isabel: We're leaving now. Alex, you need a ride? Alex: What I really need is a sedative. (As everyone starts to leave, Max and Liz silently stare at each other for a moment) Isabel: Max? (Max turns and leaves) Liz: So I guess I'm just gonna hit the hay. Thank you for... uh, locking up. Maria: Not so fast. You know what this calls for? (Liz and Maria are discussing Max and Michael while eating ice cream) Liz: Nothing even happened. We kept getting interrupted. Maria: Nothing happened? Liz: Mm-mm. Well, yeah. The other night we um...we kissed. Maria: And? Liz: I don't think that we should talk about it. Maria: Are you kidding? We have to talk about it. We're the only 2 people in this world capable of having this conversation. Liz: That we know of. Maria: Don't complicate things, ok? Who wants to go first? Fine, I'll start. I'll start. It was...explosive. Liz: Yeah. Uh, that's a really good word. Maria: Right? Liz: Ok. Maria: It was like every cell in my body felt the same cell in his and started heating up. Liz: And I got really dizzy. Did you get dizzy? Maria: I get dizzy just thinking about it. Liz: Ok, you know like all of that time that I spent with Kyle...I didn't have any of those feelings that I did when I was with Max. What about you? Maria: Doug Sohn in the eighth grade? Liz: Yeah. Maria: Amateur. Michael is the real thing. Liz: Ok, now, here is the big question. Do you think that we feel like this just because of the fact that they're like... Maria: Oh, their non-human status. Liz: Right. Maria: What if they've like ruined it for us with anyone else? Liz: Yeah. Maria: Leave it to Michael to just wreak havoc on the rest of my life, even though he wants no part of it. Liz: Maria, he'll change his mind. Maria: I don't think so. And besides, I've come to the conclusion that it can never happen. I mean, human-alien relationships are bound to be disasters. Just don't think that you can enter into something with Max and expect not to get hurt in the end of it. I mean, me? I'm teflon, babe. Michael starts acting like a total loser...I just walk away. But you and Max, ah. You guys have got that whole...look-into-my-eyes soul mate thing. Liz: Um, yeah, you know, this...this whole thing is just, it's gonna work out. We just have to be prepared for anything that comes our way. (Alex and Isabel go into the UFO Center) Isabel: This place gives me the creeps. Alex: Yeah, I can understand that now. There's something that I really have to show you. You know the drawing you showed me last night? Isabel: Stop talking about it so loudly. Alex: Well, it's been bugging me where I've seen something like it, so I came here. I looked around, and that's what I saw. It's this place. It's called Machu Picchu, right? It's in Peru, and it's full of stuff like this...I mean, exactly like in your drawing. Isabel: Yeah, well, next you're gonna tell me that spacemen came here thousands of years ago to share all their secrets with cavemen, right? Forget it, Alex. Don't you think we've checked all this stuff out? It's just some stupid rumor like those ridiculous crop circles and the rest of the lies people tell to make a buck. Just let it go, ok? Alex (out loud): Well, what if this could help you find your planet? (Everyone becomes silent and shifts their heads to look at Alex. Milton walks over to Alex) Milton (to Alex): What did you just say? Milton (to Isabel): Evans' sister, right? Isabel: Yeah. Milton: I don't appreciate your attempt at humor, young man. We UFOlogists don't joke about things like that. Alex: Yes, sir. Of course not. I apologize. (Milton has a pensive look on his face as he walks away) Alex: I'm sorry, I... Isabel: Do you understand what a mistake like that would do in front of somebody who really mattered? Alex: I'm sorry. I slipped. It won't happen again. Isabel: God, Alex. Alex: I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] (There is some commotion somewhere else in the UFO Center) Milton: All right, let us through, please. We're in charge. Michael: Max. Get Max Evans. Max: I'm here. I'm here. (Michael opens his eyes are they are cloudy white) Max: Keep them closed. Customer: Someone call an ambulance! Max: No, no. I got him. I got him. Milton: It's your friend. The one that broke in here. What's going on, Evans? Max: Migraines. He gets really bad migraines. Isabel: Oh God. Oh, my God, Max. Max: Help me get him out of here, quick. Isabel: Michael. Alex: Here, let me help. Isabel: No. Just leave us alone. (Liz and Maria are filling bottles with condiments) Liz: Ok, so, um, once you're done with the sugars, we just make sure that the salt and pepper shakers are filled. Maria: You are really letting this whole manager thing get to your head. (Max comes in with a concerned look on his face) Max: Liz. Liz: Max, um, what are you doing here? Max: We came through the back. We need your help. Liz: Maria. Maria: Michael. Is he ok? Isabel: Does he look ok to you? Maria: What's wrong with him? Isabel: How should I know? Nothing like this has ever happened before. Max: We need to keep him someplace safe. Liz, can we keep him here? Liz: Yeah, uh, but let's just take him upstairs. It'll be safer there. Max: I'll have to carry him. Liz: Yeah, I'll go first. (Isabel measures Michael's temperature with a thermometer) Isabel: It only goes up to 112. Maria: We're gonna need some ice and towels. We need to cool him down. Liz: Um, they're in the kitchen and then there's some in the bathroom, too. Max: Are you ok? Liz: Has this ever happened before? I mean, to you? Max: Never. (Michael starts chanting) Isabel: What's he saying? Max: I don't...I don't know. It's some kind of chant. Michael, can you hear me? What are you saying? What are you trying to tell us? Michael, it's me, Max. Please let me help you. (Michael opens his eyes and stares at Max with cloudy white eyes) Michael: River Dog. (Liz and Max arrive at the Mesaliko Indian reservation in search of River Dog) Eddie: You're not welcome here anymore. Max: We just want to find out what happened. Eddie: You told someone what you found here! River Dog is really angry. Liz: It is really important that we talk to him about what he did to Michael. Eddie: He tested him. Your friend didn't pass. Max: What do you mean? Eddie: That's all I know. Max: That's not enough. I want to know exactly what River Dog did to him. Eddie: He wants nothing to do with you. You betrayed his trust, and that's something he won't forgive. Max: I don't want forgiveness. I want answers before my friend dies. Liz: Max...Max. Liz: Michael's really sick, Eddie. And we don't know what to do. We need River Dog. Eddie: I'm sorry, but he's gone. Max: I'm waiting here until he comes back. (Isabel is watching over Michael. Maria enters the room) Maria: What are you doing? Isabel: Well, he's so cold, I... Maria: Are you kidding? He's burning up. Right before I had the chicken pox, I had a really high fever, and my mom had to put me in an ice bath. Isabel: This isn't the chicken pox, and he was fine. Alex: Knock, knock. Isabel: I thought you said you locked the door. Alex: The key's always under the mat. Hey, look, everything's going fine downstairs. I just wanted to come up...see if there's anything that I could do. Isabel: Yes, there's something you could do. You can get out of here, both of you! And let me take care of Michael. God, he needs me right now, not strangers. (Max and Liz are walking around the reservation talking about Michael) Max: I remember the first time I saw Michael. It was in the desert the night we first came out of the pods. The sky was bright with stars and this full moon. Isabel and I found each other first. We didn't know how to speak, but we could communicate anyway. We walked for a while, but we could both feel someone else. Liz: Michael. Max: He said he saw us, but that he was afraid. So he just watched us for a long time. When he finally revealed himself, he was standing on this rock. Just like you'd expect from Michael. "Here I am. Deal with me." He said it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do...to trust us. Liz: So, um, how did you guys end up getting separated? Max: We all saw the headlights at the same time. Isabel took my hand. We knew we'd be safe as long as we stayed together. I held my hand out for Michael. I knew he wanted to. He just wouldn't take it. So we just looked at each other for a long time. Wouldn't see him again for 3 years. Isabel would cry every night, wondering where he was. Max: You all right? Liz: Uh, yeah, it...it's just kinda sad, you know? Thinking of being separated like that. Max: You're wondering if it could happen to me, aren't you? If I could get sick like Michael. Liz: No, mm-mmm. Max: I've been thinking about it a lot, too....whether this is just our life cycle. And maybe this is how we die. Liz: Max, it's...come on, it's not... Max: I can understand if you have doubts...about us...I mean, second thoughts. Because committing to someone is hard enough without having to wonder...if they're even gonna be here tomorrow. (Maria enters Michael's room with a plate of food and a bottle of Tabasco sauce for Isabel) Maria: Hey. You should eat. Um, I didn't know how much you like, so... Isabel: Thank you. Maria: I care about him, too, you know. Isabel: I know you do. But Max and Michael are all I have. And if I lose them... Maria: You won't. (Michael starts convulsing and slowly starts chanting softly) Maria: What's happening? Isabel: I don't know. I don't know! He's too strong. He'll hurt himself. Go get Alex. Michael! (Liz is calling the others on her cell phone) Liz: They're not answering. Max: We should get back. (Liz and Max hear a group of people chanting nearby) Liz: That's what Michael's been saying over and over. Max: It's coming from that tent. (Liz and Max walk towards the tent) (Back at the Crashdown, Maria and Isabel are trying to help Michael, who is still chanting) Isabel: Let's give him more water. That helped him before. (Michael wakes up and finds himself in another place...he is standing next to the alien symbols which are drawn on the ground around him. Michael looks up and sees a constellation) (Liz and Max peek through the tent to see Indians chanting and passing a bowl around the tent) Liz: What are they doing? Max: I'm not sure. But maybe what's happening to Michael isn't natural at all. (River Dog appears) River Dog: Bring him here. We might not have much time. (Max and Liz arrive back at the Crashdown. Isabel and Maria are sitting next to the bed that Michael is lying on. Michael is covered with webbing) Maria: Thank God you're here. Isabel: Oh, my God, Max. Alex: This is really happening, isn't it? (Everyone has arrived at River Dog's cave) River Dog: Man who lived in this cave when I was a boy was not like us. Some of the elders believed he was an evil spirit, so they decided to test him. He was invited into the sweat, just like I invited your friend. His reaction was quick and severe. Within a minute, his eyes were white, and he developed a fever. Max: Just like Michael. River Dog: Only it took the symptoms longer to show up in your friend. That's why I dismissed him at first. But when you told me he was sick, I knew he was another visitor. Maria: That's an interesting way to put it. River Dog: Well, that's what he called himself. In my language, the word is "nasedo". So that's what I called him. Isabel: And you knew Nasedo well? River Dog: I saved his life. After the sweat, he ran out into the desert. And we were told not to follow him. But I was a boy, and I didn't listen. I found him in this cave, dying. He had to trust me with his secret so that I could heal him. Max: And now you'll do the same thing to heal Michael? River Dog: I'll try, but I'll need the help of all of you. Alex: Even me? River Dog: Healing requires energy. The more we have, the faster we heal. Now everyone take your place in the circle. There's a line for each of you leading to the center. (There is a large circle drawn on the ground with 6 lines leading from the edge of the circle to the middle. Michael is lying in the middle with webbing covering him from head to feet. Max, Maria, Alex, Isabel, and Liz all walk towards a line) River Dog: Nasedo gave me these stones. They're from his place. And they carry an energy inside them. Max: You mean, these are from... River Dog: Wherever you are from. He said that his body carried the same energy that's in these stones. He called it the balance. He said that the heat from the sweat disrupted it in some way. Max: How? River Dog: He told me to hold the stones until my energy activated them. And the balance would be restored. Max: And if you didn't? River Dog: He would die. Isabel: So let's get going. River Dog: He warned me, though, there was a risk. The balance can pull you in. It's a force that can change both your body and your mind unless you navigate it properly. Now, clear your mind...and drink from the bowl. Don't change the way you feel about your friend, and you'll come out on the right side. Max: What is it? River Dog: Water. Something in common with all of us. By drinking from the same bowl, we begin the connection. (The bowl is passed around the circle. Max is first, and passes the bowl to Isabel, who passes the bowl to Alex, then to Maria. Liz is the last one to take the bowl and appears hesitant to join in the ritual) River Dog: You're afraid...not of the healing. Your fear runs deeper. You fear for someone else, someone you care for a great deal. Take a step back. You cannot stop the flow. Liz: I'm sorry. (River Dog starts chanting, and the others start chanting also) (Maria appears stunned that Liz isn't participating in the ritual and River Dog softly comforts her) River Dog: She'll find her own path. You take yours. (Everyone starts to chant softly. We see Michael wake up in another place and each of the participants in the ritual walk up to him and greets him. Maria kisses him. We see images of Max, Michael, and Isabel when they were in the desert. Max reaches out his hand to Michael who is hesitant to take it. In the end, Michael, Max, and Isabel walk away hand-in-hand. Back in the cave, Michael wakes up and pulls the webbing off of himself.) Max: You all right? Michael: I went someplace, Max, and I saw things. Max: But you came back. For good this time. Michael: Yeah, I came back. (Max hugs Michael) Michael: Thank you, Maxwell. No more running. No matter what. Give me your rocks. (Michael takes the alien rocks from each of the people who participated in the ritual. He walks over to the drawings that the 4th alien drew on the wall and inserts rocks at various places. After inserting the 5th rock, Michael steps back and the rocks slowly glow brighter and brighter, revealing a constellation of where the aliens are from) Michael: It's a map. (Liz is on the roof of the Crashdown writing in her journal) Voice-Over: I've always been the one who comes through in the time of crisis. I do what's necessary, and I don't panic. But seeing Michael so sick and having no way of knowing what was wrong or how to help made me scared. Scared that one day something could happen to Max and I wouldn't know how to help this person who means so much to me, who means everything. (Max climbs up the ladder as Liz is writing in her journal) Max: Is this a bad time? Liz: No, it's not. Hi. Max: Just wanted to see how you were doing. Liz: I'm fine. Yeah, um...how's Michael? Max: Same as ever. Liz: That's really good. Max: But I'm not, Liz. Liz: What do you mean? Max: I mean one day it will be me, and I can't keep pretending that I'm normal. Liz: Max, look...you know, I didn't...I didn't mean to have doubts. I didn't...I didn't mean to let you down in the cave. Max: I don't blame you. You had every right to feel that way, because what you felt is true. We don't belong together. Liz: Don't say that. Max: The other night, you know, when we went out...and the whole day before...ever since we kissed...I've been off balance. You made me forget that anything else existed, but that's not real. Liz: It is the only real thing that I've ever felt. Max: Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on. Maybe that's what we both really need to do right now...find our balance again. Liz: You know, Max, I thought that...I thought that we'd found it. Max: You don't know how much I wish that could be true. Liz: Max...how is it possible that I could be...I could be the happiest that I've ever been in my entire life...you know, and now the saddest all at...all at one time? Max: I think that's what being in love is. Liz: Yeah, I think so, too. Max: So we'll just take a step back...for a while. Liz: Well, uh...you know, if that's what...if that's what you want, I... Max: It's what I need...cuz I'm just as scared as you are. (Max starts climbing down the ladder) Liz: No, wait, Max. (Liz kisses Max) Liz: I just wanted...to remember. Max: Good-bye, Liz. (Max climbs down the ladder) Liz: Good-bye, Max. (Scene fades out as Liz gazes upward and sees the constellation that Michael saw in his vision)

Plan: A: A freak December heat wave; Q: What hits the town? A: Michael; Q: Who's relationship with Maria heats up? A: Max intensifies; Q: What happens to Liz's infatuation with Max? A: Isabel; Q: Who enters into one of Alex's dreams? Summary: A freak December heat wave hits the town which sparks romance as Michael's relationship with Maria heats up and Liz's infatuation with Max intensifies; meanwhile Isabel enters into one of Alex's dreams only to discover she is already there, dancing with Alex.

Ext. Daytime. A property overlooking the sea, a garden party. Harrington Estate, Atherson, California Alex Harrington: Let's do it. Thank you, Sadie. Mm-hmm. My friends, I am so proud and happy to welcome you to this celebration of my son Xander, the new C. E.O. of Harrington Media. Where is the little cuss, anyway? Late for work already, not a good sign. Tara Harrington: Elizabeth, text him, would you? Elizabeth Stanfeld: I got it. Tara Harrington: Um, I am sure my husband has a very good excuse for his... (a disoriented man appears at the top of the stairs) Ah, there you are, Xander. (hand on his bloody neck, he collapses) Indoors (in the office Xander Harrington, Cho, Jane, Lisbon, Rigsby) Cho: That's what killed Xander Harrington, and this is where he was attacked. Now the blood trail starts here, right where the letter opener was found. The deputy coroner says it was a single stab wound to the neck. Lisbon: Mmm. Cho: Now the blow sends him backwards. He slams his head, goes down. He's dazed, slowly bleeding out for a good 20 minutes or so, then somehow gathers himself up and goes for help. Coroner couldn't believe he even made it out to the party. Rigsby: Party which was for him. Guy just got a big promotion. Had a wife and kid. How sad is that? Lisbon: Sad. Anything else? Rigsby: Well, according to the victim's father, there was a confidential business file on this desk that's gone missing. Nothing else taken. Jane: What was the file about? Rigsby: Plans for the "Daily Observer", newspaper. Debt restructuring, cost cutting, layoffs. Lisbon: Layoffs? Jane: Any "Observer" employees invited to the party? Ext. reception (At a table, 2 women, 2 men) Jane: So you're reporters for the, uh, "Observer." Xander Harrington, man of the people, huh? Inviting the ink-stained wretches. Homme I: Xander was a good guy. Lisbon: Did any of you hear about the layoffs that were coming up soon? Homme I: Layoffs? What layoffs? Jane: Well, actually, there's, uh, quite a long list. Yeah. It appears that no one is safe. Must be very scary in the newspaper business these days. (to a young woman in red dress) That's a very lovely dress. Great color. Heather Evans: Well, thank you. I'm Heather Evans. Jane: Hello, Heather Evans. You're very attractive. Mm. It's probably why your name's not on that list. Good-looking women live in a different world. Heather Evans: Excuse me? What's this list you keep mentioning? Jane: Oh, come on, Heather. The list that was in the file that you took off Xander Harrington's desk. Everyone here, we mention layoffs, and everyone here reacts except you, because you have read the list. Heather Evans: Oh, that's ridiculous. I didn't go anywhere near Xander's desk. Jane: Bravo. Very well played, considering the stress you must be feeling right now. You know, I was hoping to dazzle you all with my uncanny Detective skills, but you force me, you force me to just reveal the humdrum facts and point out that you have blood on your shoes, Heather. Heather Evans: Wha... Lisbon: Could you step out of your shoe, ma'am? Jane: "Stop the presses"? That's the phrase, right?" Stop the presses." Yeah. Got it. Always wanted to say that. Credits CBI Building (Interogation Room, Cho, Heather Evans) Cho: Xander Harrington caught you snooping in his office, and you killed him. Now maybe you didn't mean to do it. You were surprised, scared. Heather Evans: No, I didn't even see him. It was dark. No lights. (flashback): Curtains were drawn. I went to the desk, I took the file, and I ran. If I'd known he was... My God, I would never have... Cho: How'd you know that there was a list at all? Someone told you. Who? Heather Evans: A confidential source. Cho: And you'll go to jail to protect this source? Heather Evans: Ed. Edward Harrington, Xander's brother. He, um... He said there were gonna be layoffs on Monday. (Lisbon and Hightower attend the interview in the adjoining room) I just, I just wanted to know whether or not I still had a job. It's a very good job. Cho: Not anymore, it's not. Tell me exactly what happened from the beginning. Lisbon: Ma'am? Is there, uh, I, is there something specific that you wanted? Hightower: No. No. Just keeping apprised. Lisbon: Huh. Hightower: Alex Harrington is the owner of the seventh largest media conglomerate in the world. Lisbon: Yes, ma'am. Hightower: And you don't want to disappoint a man who owns 200 TV stations and a national newspaper. Lisbon: No, ma'am. Van Pelt (enters the room): Looks like Heather's cleared. Timeline puts her at the bar at the time of the attack. That's according to several male guests who remember her well. Lisbon: Figures. Only leaves 196 party guests and 42 staff as potential suspects. Start with the brother. Van Pelt: Okay. (leaves the room) Hightower (to Van Pelt): Take Rigsby. Hightower: Problem? Van Pelt: Nope. Not at all. Lisbon: Ma'am? You're giving my team assignments? Hightower: I know. I'm sorry. Should've been your call. I just want to make sure those two can hack it. Lisbon: Fair enough. Harrington property (in the hall of the house) Lisbon: The head of your security said that the house is fully wired, but the family asked the cameras inside be turned off? Why's that? Alex Harrington: I take responsibility for that. Tara Harrington (a baby in arms): No, it's my fault. I'm Tara, Alex's wife. This is Ella. And I'm the one who had the cameras disconnected. It's my fault. Alex Harrington: It's nobody's fault, dear. Hush. Jane: Why'd you do it? Tara Harrington: Cameras and panic rooms and armed guards, it's a lot to take. I hated feeling watched in my own home. Seems so silly now. I'm sorry. How long until you take that horrible stuff down? Lisbon: Forensics has promised to release the crime scene as soon as possible. I am so sorry for any inconvenience. Tara Harrington (the baby starts to cry): Excuse me. (hands the baby to father in law) Alex Harrington: Uh, I'm too upset. Jane: Uh, m-m-may I? Thank you. (the baby stops crying in his arms) (the group enter a living room) Lisbon: So, uh, you and Xander were close? Tara Harrington: He and Sadie were my only true friends. People seem more interested in befriending your money and connections when you're married to the C.E.O. of Harrington Media. (The baby still in his arms, Jane is followed closely by the nanny) Harrington: Yes, I suppose it can be difficult at times. By the way, it's former C.E.O. Xander forced me out. Lisbon: Really? Alex Harrington: Really. (to keep the nanny quiet, Jane gives her the child) Alex Harrington: He convened the board, secured the necessary votes. Jane: Son staged a coup. Alex Harrington: Yes. You have any idea the guts it takes to pull that off Xander proved he could lead. I've never been prouder of him. Proud of, uh, Eddie, too, my other son. Jane: Well, of course. But Xander had the strength to lead, the guts. That's important to you, isn't it, guts? Alex Harrington: Of course. Guts, heart. What else is there? Jane: Spleen, liver, kidneys, uh, genitalia. Lot of important stuff there. Alex Harrington: Are you being flippant with me? My son is dead. Jane: Forgive me. I, I was. Lost myself for a second. Forgot where I was. (se tournant vers un tableau au mur) But, you know, that, that's a very beautiful painting. Very nice work, yeah. Lisbon: Can I talk to you for a moment? (she leads Jane out of the room, into the kitchen) Quit that! Jane: What? Lisbon: Poking the bigwig. Jane: "Poking the bigwig." Ah, I like it. It's got a nice ring to it. Lisbon: I understand it's compulsion you're not fully in control of, but I wish you would try. It would make our work a lot easier if you did... try. Jane: Did you see that? Lisbon: What? Jane: Right outside that window. There's a pink unicorn. Amazing! Lisbon: Now you're hallucinating. Jane: No. No, no, look. It's right outside the window. (a child comes out from under a table) Seriously, look. It's a unicorn! Little Blonde Girl: I want to see! (the little girl approaches the window where Jane is) I don't see a unicorn. Jane: It's right there. (Jane whispers in the ear of the child) I'm trying to trick her. Little Blonde Girl: Oh. Yes. What a nice unicorn. Jane: Yeah, very nice unicorn. So you like to have secret tea parties? Little Blonde Girl: How did you know about the tea party? Jane: Oh, you know, I kind of like secret tea parties, too. I'm Patrick. That's Teresa. Lisbon: Hi. Little Blonde Girl: I'm Ashley Harrington. (she shakes hands with Jane) It's a pleasure to meet you. Jane: You, too. Now who's your mom and dad? Ashley Harrington: Xander Harrington and Sadie Cardozo Harrington. I know my address and phone number, too. Lisbon: Very good. Patrick and I are actually looking for your mommy. Do you know where she is? Ashley: Outside. We could go cheer her up. Lisbon: Is she sad, sweetie? Ashley: She misses daddy. He went away on a trip. Lisbon: Yes he do. Dans une piece. (Van Pelt, Rigsby, Ed Harrington, a masseuse) Van Pelt: Mr. Harrington, you prodded Heather Evans into going into your brother's office, didn't you? Ed Harrington: I told her the file was on the desk. What she did with that information is her problem. Rigsby: You're the West coast head of media operations, and you tell an employee about a confidential layoff list? Ed Harrington: Well, I had a feeling she'd be grateful. And she was. Van Pelt: You exchanged the information for s*x. Ed Harrington: Yes. I did. Van Pelt: Gate security has you leaving the party just before your brother died of his injuries. Ed Harrington: I didn't know what had happened, and I didn't particularly want to watch his coronation, frankly. It's boring. Forgive me, Xander. Rigsby: Did you kill your brother, Ed? Ed Harrington (to the masseuse): Would you give us a second? No, I did not kill my brother. Rigsby: Well, you didn't seem that sad about his death. Ed Harrington: Well, maybe I just don't display my emotions to cops. Rigsby: Maybe. Ed Harrington: Look, I'd like to tell you that Xander and I were the best of friends, but we weren't. We're just different people. We were different people. He'd... Always do the right things, say the right things. Dad would say, "jump. " He'd ask, "how high?" Van Pelt: And you? Ed Harrington: Dad never asks me to jump. Ext. Daytime. the Harrington's garden (Ashley, Jane, Lisbon, Elizabeth Stanfeld) Ashley: Mommy! Mommy! Sadie Harrington: Baby, Hmm? Ashley: We're going to get ice cream. Sadie Harrington: Okay. One scoop, okay? No spoiling dinner. Ashley: Okay. Elizabeth Stanfeld: One scoop it is. And I'll e-mail you the Arizona overnights. You've got that conference call tomorrow with the affiliates. Sadie Harrington: Okay. Thanks, Elizabeth. Elizabeth Stanfeld: Come on. Jane: You haven't told her? Sadie Harrington: How do you tell a 6-year-old her father's never coming home? Jane: Well, she pretty much knows already. She just doesn't understand it yet. Sadie Harrington: Nor do I. I just, I keep thinking Xander would know exactly what to say to her. It's so stupid, huh? Lisbon: Xander must have had enemies, business rivals that resented his success? Sadie Harrington: Um... sure. Yeah, but nothing abnormal. Well, there is the "Visualize" thing. The "Observer" is about to run an investigative series, and it's gonna be very critical. Lisbon: Visualize? The sort of religious group? Sadie Harrington: You know, it's more like a cult. It's brainwashing with a sideline in tax fraud. You know, we got a, a pretty nasty letter from their leade, Bret Stiles, threatening unspecified trouble if we ran it. I can get you a copy. Jane: Oh, you, you had me at "cult." Ext. Daytime. Churchyard Cho: Creepy. Jane: What, you don't ke giant eyeballs? Cho: No. Homme (comes to meet them): Hi. I'm Steven Wench. Most folks call me "brother Steve." Are you the C.B.I. folks who called? Jane: Yeah. Brother Patrick and, uh, my brother Cho. Steven Wench: Well, come this way. (to the inside of the building) I'm sorry, but I'm afraid Mr. Stiles isn't on the premises today. Jane: Where is he? Steven Wench: At this precise moment, I don't know. Bret lives spontaneously. But I'm happy to help with any questions. Jane: I have a question. Uh, what are they doing in there with those gizmos? (the three men enter a large room, books on bookshelves, two tables, computer, a gigantic photograph of a man with white hair on the wall) Steven Wench: That's where our technicians assess for inner vision. Jane: Really? Mm-hmm. That sounds fun. Can anyone do that? Steven Wench: Um... sure. Jane: Excellent. Cho, you got the interview, right? Steven Wench: Just, uh, sign in. Jane: Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. (Jane enters the library, goes to a table where a man stands) Jane: Hi. I wanna go. The Man: Have a seat. Jane: Cool. Excellent. All right. (Jane touches a half iron sphere on the table) ZZZZ. Just kidding. Jane: W-what do I do? The Man: Well, place your fingers on the orb and, uh, tell me your name. Jane: You first. The Man: David. Jane: Hi, David. I'm Patrick. Fingers on the orb. David: Do you find sadness in the world around you? Jane: Yes. David: Do you find yourself dwelling on the misfortunes of your past? Jane: Yeah. David: Do you often think people are secretly out to get you? Jane: Yes. (Cho arrives with Steven Wench) Cho: How you doing? Jane: How am I doing? Cho: Yeah. Jane: Uh, how am I doing? David: Well, Patrick, you have serious issues with paranoia and depression and negative thinking in general. Jane: What? David: I would recommend our immersive vialation program for you, as a matter of urgency. Jane: Oh, okay. Um... Do, do, do you, do you take that? (Jane offers his credit card, which David was quick on wanting to take) Ah! Not so fast. You thought you had me, didn't you? Cho: Maybe we should get going. We gotta go get a warrant. Steven Wench: Before coming to persecute us, did you even look at Xander Harrington's wife? Sadie. Cho: We look at everyone, sir. What about her? Steven Wench: We heard there was trouble in her marriage. If Xander divorced her, there's a prenup. But if he dies, she gets it all. Jane: Where'd you hear that, Steve? Do, do you have someone on the inside? Steven Wench: I've said enough. Please leave. Jane: Do you have a gift shop? 'Cause I'd love an eyeball mug or something. Steven Wench: No. Jane: Okay. A large room filled with rows of chairs The man in the library photo: Good job, Steven. Good job. That was... beautifully handled. Steven: Thank you, Mr. Stiles. Bret Stiles: No, thank you. CBI Office (Cho at his post, with phone) Cho: So the guy claims Stiles is only threatening legal trouble, that Visualize is a religion of science and peace. Lisbon (still at the Harrington property): Tell that to the TV reporter from Atlanta. Last spring, he went off on Visualize, next day, he was flying through the windshield of a member's car. Cho: One more thing. About Sadie and Xander's marriage... In the Harrington's living room (Lisbon, Sadie Harrington) Sadie Harrington: An affair? No. Xander and I have been partners in everything since the first week of business school. I loved him, and I respected him. I had no reason to stray. Neither did he. Lisbon: Sometimes you don't need a reason. Alex Harrington (enters the room): Oh. Agent Lisbon, you're here. Something to report? Sadie Harrington: No, she just, um, thinks I was screwing around on your son. Excuse me. I have better things to do. Lisbon: Do you think she was having an affair? Alex Harrington: On balance, no. Lisbon: Go on. Alex Harrington: Sadie loves this company, as well as my son. She'd never risk everything for a roll in the hay. Ambitious as all hell, that girl. I like it. Don't get me wrong. She's doubled our profit since she took over running the TV stations. (her cellphone rings) Um... Excuse my rudeness. (distracted) Agent Lisbon. (shows cellphone to Lisbon) On the screen, a text message: " Bomb in grand salon... You have 3 minutes " Lisbon: Get everybody out of the house. Alex Harrington: There's not enough time. Lisbon: Do what you can. Alex Harrington: Tara! Sadie! INT. CBI office (Jane asleep on his couch his phone rings, he wakes) Jane: Hello? Lisbon: It's me. I need your help. Jane: Lisbon, you need my help? Lisbon: I need your help finding a bomb. There's still time. You're good at this kind of thing. If we find the bomb intact, maybe we can still get rid of it. Jane: What, are you nuts? What do you want to do that for? It's a bomb. Just get out of there. The guy's got comprehensive home insurance, I'm sure. Lisbon: Oh, come on, Jane. We've got two minutes. All right? Where did they put it? They said it was somewhere in the grand salon. Jane: Well, if they called it the grand salon, then obviously they're insiders. Lisbon: Good point. Uh, l, leading us where? Jane: Uh, let me see. Uh, if I was familiar with that room, I would plant a bomb... Try under the sofa. No, no, no, no, no. The cupboard over by the dutch forgery in the corner. Lisbon: Uh, th, the painting? How do you know it's a forgery? Jane: Eh, the brushwork, it's all wrong. It's way too loose. Lisbon: Oh, my God. You were right. Jane: Yeah, well, of course. That looser feeling didn't develop until much later on. Lisbon: No! The bomb. I found it. One minute left. Jane: Oh, good. Time to leave. Get out of there. Lisbon, if you think I am even gonna engage in this game of "which wire to pull," I'm not interested. I don't wanna play that game. Just leave right now. Run. Okay? Lisbon: Okay. You're right. I'm outta here. Jane: Thank you. Good. Ashley (nears the sofa): Where's mommy? Jane: Hang on. Lisbon: Ashley? Ashley, we have to leave now. Ashley: No! (she hides under the sofa) Jane: Lisbon! Lisbon (trying to get Ashley): Ashley, get out from under there. Ashley. Ashley (trying to kick Lisbon): No! No! I want my mommy! Lisbon: Sweetie, come on. We have to go. Jane: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on there? Lisbon: Ashley, come on. Ashley! Ashley! Ashley: No! Leave me alone! I want my mommy! Lisbon: Come out! You come out now! That's an order! Jane: Lisbon, pick up the girl and leave. Ashley: I want my mommy! Jane: Just pick her up and take her outside. You can do that. Run away now. (a shrill ringing) Lisbon? Lisbon (approaching the bomb. 9 seconds remaining): Ohh... Oh God, oh God Jane: Lisbon! Lisbon: Ohh... No, no, no, no. (she disconnects it. time remaining 3 seconds. The countdown stops) Jane: Lisbon? Lisbon (to Ashley, who comes out from under the sofa): You are a very bad girl. Jane (visibly relieved): You're a bad girl. The Harrington's terrace (Alex Harrington, Lisbon, Jane, Sadie Harrington) Alex Harrington: Agent Lisbon. Thank you. Thank you for saving my granddaughter. Sadie Harrington: We are so grateful. Lisbon: It's all part of the service. Alex Harrington: No, you were brave and resourceful, and I'll make sure your supervisors say as much in your file. Look, if there's ever anything I can do for you personally, please don't hesitate. Jane: Well, you could offer her the pad for a weekend during the summer. Lisbon: Actually, uh, I was wondering if I could speak with some of your staff who had access to that room. Alex Harrington: Ah, Edward. Thank you for joining us. Ed Harrington: I just heard what happened. Is everyone all right? Alex Harrington: Oh, everyone's fine. It's fine. Ed Harrington: Well, if there's anything I can do to help, just say the word. I'm here. Alex Harrington: Actually, uh, I'll be issuing an announcement, and I wanted to let you and Sadie know first. Jane: I love announcements. Um, sh-should we order up a round of cocktails? Alex Harrington: I'll make this quick. Uh, as much as it pains me to discuss business at a time like this, but the fact is, we do have shareholders, and the board has demanded a new C. E.O. be announced immediately. Jane: Sadie, I bet. Ed Harrington: Uh... Sadie. Wow. Alex Harrington: Uh... Ed, I, I'm sorry. Ed Harrington: No. No, that's okay. That's... it's your right to name whoever you want. Sadie Harrington: Uh, I, I don't know what to say, Ed. I'm... Ed Harrington (visibly embarrassed, disappointed): No, it's okay. It's, um... I get it. I get it. Um, I'm sure you'll do a great job. Congratulations. (enters the house) Jane: Okay... Well, I'm not gonna say anything. (he pretends to zip his lips) INT. Daytime. CBI Building (Rigsby, Cho, Van Pelt) Van Pelt: The bomb threat, we got something. It came from the phone of Elizabeth Stanfeld. Cho: Sadie Harrington's assistant. Let's go get that warrant. Rigsby (to Van Pelt): Nice work. Van Pelt: Thanks. INT. Daytime. Elizabeth Stanfeld's house (Rigsby, Cho, Van Pelt) Rigsby: Kitchen's clear. Cho: Bedroom, too. Rigsby: Van Pelt been acting weird to you? Cho: Please don't talk to me about Van Pelt. Rigsby: No, I won't. Has she? Cho: No. Rigsby: It's just she's... She's been smiling at me. Cho: No kidding. Rigsby: Sometimes I think she might still be into me. That'd be weird, huh? Cho: You're weird. (touching the computer screen) Cold. You know, I don't think Stanfeld's been here in a while. Rigsby (showing a book): Hey, check this out. "Visualize. A tool for living." (it is autographed by Stiles): "To Elizabeth a fine student and a Dear friend. From a proud teacher. Bret Stiles" Elizabeth Stanfeld's a member of Visualize. Looks like Bret Stiles is gonna be talking to us after all. Inside, Stiles' church (Stiles on stage, peforming his "show" on camera) Bret Stiles: The eye is not just the window to the soul. It is the key to unlocking your greatness. It is the key, because when you see it, you will be it. One more time. (Lisbon and Jane enter) The eye is not just the window to the soul. It is the key to unlocking your greatness. Jane (interrupt Stiles): Excuse me. I'm sorry. Uh... The eye is the key? Or the window? Or is it both? I'm a little confused. Bret Stiles: Mr. Jane, I presume. Jane: Yeah. Bret Stiles: Hello. Welcome. Jane: Oh, you're expecting us? Bret Stiles: Oh, yes. And I presume this is your long-suffering colleague, Agent Lisbon. If I may say, she is more beautiful than advertised. (to video technicians) Oh, thanks, guys. Take a little break. Thank you. Give us a few minutes. Thank you. Thank you. Jane: Elizabeth Stanfeld, your, um... "Dear friend and fine student", she planted a bomb at the Harringtons' house, a bomb she couldn't have possibly made herself. Jane: Lisbon here defused it. Heroine. Bret Stiles: Oh. Well, I, I'm, I mean, I may have taught her. Uh... Stanfeld? Lisbon: Oh. Bret Stiles: Uh, w, was she a brunette? Lisbon: Mr. Stiles, "dear friend"? Bret Stiles: Well, yeah, but, you know, I've signed millions of these in my time. I always like to personalize them. It's a little trick I learned from an old friend of mine, Ronnie Reagan. Lisbon: So you have no knowledge of this woman? You have no knowledge of any attacks on the Harrington family? That's your position, is it? Bret Stiles: No, it's not "my position." Actually, it's the truth. Jane: My eyes aren't, uh... Windows or doors or even keys, for that matter. I use 'em to look at things, and what I'm looking at right now is a big, fat liar. Bret Stiles: Really? Jane: Really. Yes. Betrayed by a faint facial tremor. You could work on that in the mirror. You'd get some great results. Bret Stiles: Mm. You know, now I see why... Red John really enjoys sparring with you. A worthy adversary, yeah? Jane: Yes. Straight for the jugular. Lisbon: Obviously, you struck a nerve. Jane: Hmm. Bret Stiles: Losing a wife and a child like that... Well, it makes a man reckless, untethered. Fills him with anger and shame that he cannot express. (to Lisbon) Well, must make your job very hard, Hmm? Lisbon: Yes, but the health plan's great. Bret Stiles: Mm. Mr. Jane, I think we can help you. I think we can scrub that shame and grief and self-hatred right out of your system. Jane: Bret, please. We both know what you are. I mean, let's be honest here. You're a con man. I mean, you're very charming, and you're very good at it, but you're just a con man. And you could no more help me than you can fly to the moon. Bret Stiles: Mm. Now who's struck a nerve? Nobody's past helping... Even you. Jane: Believe me when I say this, Bret you don't want to make this personal. Now give us Stanfeld, or I will make it my sole purpose to hound you for the rest of your miserable, phony life. Bret Stiles: Whoa. Am I hearing a threat here? I mean, a, aren't there rules about this sort of thing? Hmm? Lisbon: Like you said, untethered. Mr. Stiles the percentage play here is to give us Stanfeld. She's not gonna betray you. She's loyal. Jane: Forget it, Lisbon. I'm bored. Bret Stiles: Elizabeth is at Edward Harrington's penthouse. Lisbon: She went to Edward? To do what? Bret Stiles: I don't know. Uh, she didn't tell me. I gave her no instructions. She went of her own free will. Have a nice day. Lisbon (on phone): Rigsby, get to ed Harrington's place immediately. (Lisbon and Jane leave the room) [SCENE_BREAK] Ed Harrington's Penthouse (Van Pelt, Rigsby, Ed Harrinton, Elizabeth Stanfeld) (Van Pelt and Rigsby enter the apartment, guns in hand, sounds draw their attention to a white sofa) Rigsby: Police! Don't move! Let me see your hands! Freeze! Van Pelt: Mr. Harrington? (Elizabeth and Ed arise from the couch, startled) Mr. Harrington, are you... all right? Rigsby: Yep. I think he's... fine. Ed Harrinton: What the hell is going on? INT. CBI interrogation room (Ed Harrinton, Rigsby) Rigsby: See, the way it looks from here is that you and Elizabeth were in this together. Take out Xander, take out your father, live happily ever after with her and Bret Stiles. Ed Harrinton: No. I'm not into that Visualize crap. If I had any idea, I, uh, she was just, just a friend. Rigsby: Convenient, though, that she seems intent on taking out everyone between you and the top job at Harrington Media. Was Sadie next? Ed Harrinton: How do you know I wasn't next? Visualize wanted to kill us all because of that idiotic story. Rigsby: Then why didn't she kill you, Ed? (Jane attends the interrogation in the next room) Ed Harrinton: I, I don't know. Rigsby: You ever meet Bret Stiles? Ed Harrinton: No. Rigsby: Anyone at all from the Visualize organization? Ed Harrinton: No. Rigsby: So let me get this straight, she was sleeping with you because you were a Harrington, but not an important enough Harrington to kill. Is that it? You're a stooge. Ed Harrinton: Yeah, I'm a stooge. Thanks for the heads-up. (Rigsby turns to the two-way glass behind which is a smiling Jane) In another CBI interrogation room (Cho, Elizabeth Stanfeld, Jane) Cho: So Bret Stiles claims you acted alone. But you had an accomplice, didn't you? Elizabeth Stanfeld: An accomplice to what? Cho: The bombing attempt. We've got your phone records. Slam dunk. 20 years. Jane: 2 decades. 7,000 days living in a box. I don't know how people do it. Cho: Now help yourself out here. We know someone gave you that bomb. We know you didn't kill Xander. Sadie Harrington was with you the entire party. Elizabeth Stanfeld: Of course I didn't kill him. Cho: But you know who did. Give us a name, and we can talk a deal. Elizabeth Stanfeld: I'm looking down at you from a great height. You're like ants. It's sad how far I am beyond you people, spiritually and mentally. Jane: Mm. But, uh, physically, I think we, uh, we might have the upper hand. And physically is kinda how they roll in prison. Elizabeth Stanfeld: Just because you've stopped my work doesn't mean others won't follow in my path. You can't imprison the truth. Jane: Oh, Lizzy, you are batnuts crazy. Batnuts, girl. But that's okay. You're young. You can recover your wits. You're gonna have to work very hard, but you've given me a very good idea, and I thank you. Lisbon's Team Office (Alex Harrington, Tara Harrington, Van Pelt, Jane, Ed Harrington, Rigsby) (Alex and Tara Harrington enter) Alex Harrington: Excuse me. We've come to take my son home. This is a family matter. Van Pelt: I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't finished questioning him. Alex Harrington: Edward made a mistake. (Jane arrives in turn) It was dangerous, yes, but not criminal, so unless you have some evidence linking him to a crime, I'd like you to let him go. Jane: Let the poor wretch go, Van Pelt. He's guilty of nothing except extremely poor decision-making, sexual partner-wise, and, uh... Who hasn't been there? Van Pelt: Jane. It isn't in my authority to allow that, sir, but if you'll wait a moment, I'll find Agent Lisbon, and she may be able to help you out. (Jane on his couch handles a piece of evidence: a cellphone) Ed Harrington: Dad? Alex Harrington: Never mind. There he is. Eddie, we're leaving. Tara Harrington (a Ed): You b*st*rd! You stupid son of a bitch! How could you endanger us. Ashley was nearly killed. Ed Harrington: I'm sorry. Tara Harrington: (I'm gonna go wait in the car. Ed Harrington: I'm really sorry. Alex Harrington: You're sorry? Sorry? You little fool. Have you no common sense, boy? Are you completely... (Jane dials) Rigsby: Sir, you're gonna have to take it easy. Alex Harrington: Anyhow, here we are. Let's go home and discuss this. (Alex Harrington's phone beeps) Van Pelt: Mr. Harrington, that isn't going to be possible. Alex Harrington (looking at his phone): Oh, hell. Not again. Jane: What's wrong? Alex Harrington: Miserable cowards. More threats! Jane: What does it say? Hightower's Office (Lisbon, Hightower, Alex Harrington) Alex Harrington: "Next time you won't be so lucky." Sent from the same number as the earlier threat. I thought you had traced that call to Stanfeld. Hightower: Well, they likely use the same number for many different cloned cells. Lisbon: It proves it's the same people, anyhow. Alex Harrington: Meaning Visualize. Agent Hightower, I'm going to need additional protection for my family, at least until we can get to the house in London. Lisbon: Mr. Harrington, while your family's safety is at stake, maybe it's best to postpone the exposé. Alex Harrington: If I gave, where does it stop? My family would be under constant threat from people who don't like what I print or air. We need protection, Agent Hightower. Hightower: Mr. Harrington, the police assigned to you are very well-trained personnel. We can add more if... Alex Harrington: I want your best people, Ms. Lisbon and her team. I'll insist on it. Lisbon: Mr. Harrington, that's very flattering, but you... Alex Harrington: And if you could release my son now, I'd appreciate it. Hightower: I'll see what we can do. Ext. Night. Police cars, police in front of the Harrington property In the living room (Tara, her baby, Alex Harrington, Jane, Lisbon, Ashley, Sadie) (Jane, Lisbon, Ashley, Sadie playing cards at a table) Jane: She's about to throw out e queen of spades. Lisbon: Stop showing off. Jane: Ha. That's what's called "cutting off your nose to spite your face." I'll take that. Thank you. Lisbon: (her phone rings, she answers, rises): Lisbon. Tara Harrington (her baby in her arms): Good night, everyone. Sadie Harrington: Alex, I told Ash she uld stay up if you tucked her in. Is that okay? Alex Harrington: Absolutely. Thank you. Night, sweetie. Rigsby (enters the room): Perimeter's clear, boss. Just checked in with the guards outside. Jane: Gin. There you go. Any takers? Van Pelt regarde des écrans de controle des caméras de surveillances de la propriété des Harrington, Cho engage son arme Van Pelt looks at the monitors of the cameras monitoring the Harrington property, Cho readies his weapon Cho: Wish me luck. Van Pelt: Hum hum. In the living room, Jane and Alex play backgammon Alex Harrington: Double. Jane: Sure. Mm. You're lucky man. Alex Harrington: No such thing as luck. Jane: Really? Alex Harrington: It's all about knowing the odds, seizing the chans. No luck involved. Jane: Hogwash. Alex Harrington: Hogwash? Jane: You heard me. Hogwash. (turns to Lisbon and Rigsby) What's that? Alex Harrington: What? Jane: Shh! Lisbon: What are you... Rigsby: Shh! Lisbon: Wait a minute. I hear it, too. Rigsby: I got Ashley covered here. Jane: It's coming from in there. Lisbon: Xander's office? It's been sealed since the murder. (Lisbon, gun in hand, forces the office door, followed by Alex, Jane, Rigsby) Lisbon: Clear. Jane: Wow. Could've sworn I heard someone in here. (picks up a cup from the floor) Oh, what's this? Alex Harrington: That's Ashley's. Lisbon: So? Jane: That's it. Lisbon: What's it? Jane: She was here. She was right here. Alex Harrington: What's he talking about? Lisbon: No idea. Jane: That's why she's been so quiet and withdrawn. She witnessed the murder. (Jane runs his fingers through his hair, the light goes out, an alarm sounds) Waouw... Lisbon: The power's been cut. Alex Harrington: Uh... w, we have a, a backup generator. Van Pelt (on walkie talkie): Perimeter's been breached. Someone's on the grounds. Lisbon (on walkie talkie): Copy that, Van Pelt. Charlie King one, check the grounds. Charlie King one, do you copy? Charlie King one? (Alex Harrington leads Ashley by the hand to the safe room) Lisbon: We're on our way to the safe room. Secure Tara, Sadie and the baby. Go! Come on. Seal the door now. Alex Harrington: Mm. Ashley (elle se cache sous un bureau): Grandpa? Alex Harrington: It's okay, honey. Don't be scared. We're safe in here. Everything's gonna be all right. Come on. There you go. (Jane enters the control room where Van Pelt is) Jane: Oh, I could do with some chocolate. You have any, uh, chocolate, Grace? Van Pelt: No. Jane: Just a little bit? Lisbon (also entering): Van Pelt, what's the status? Jane: Lisbon, that was very good. I have one question. Who the hell is Charlie King? Lisbon: Call it up. (Van Pelt enlarges the view of the safe room on screen) Ashley: I want mommy. Alex Harrington: Hey, you remember the party we had a few days ago? Ashley: With all the flowers and music? Alex Harrington: That's right. Ashley: You were in daddy's office that afternoon, before the guests got here for the party, remember? (Ashley shakes head) Uh, were you maybe... Hiding under his desk? Playing tea party? It's all right if you were. You won't get in trouble. Tell grandpa the truth, sweetheart. (Cho hidden behind a set of shelves is ready to intervene) Ashley... If you were there, maybe you saw the game grandpa was playing with daddy. Did you? (Van Pelt, Lisbon and Jane watching the scene) Sadie Harrington (enters the control room): What the hell is going on? Jane: Uh, we, it's a very clever plan. Would you like me to explain? Sadie Harrington: Wait. Why are they in the safe room? What are you doing? Van Pelt (leading Sadie out of the room): Ma'am, if you'll come with me, I'll explain everything. Lisbon: 30 seconds and I'm pulling the plug. Ashley: Daddy's dead, isn't he? Alex Harrington: It was a game. When your daddy fell... It was an accident I didn't mean to do it. Lisbon: Cho. Cho (comes up behind Alex, who has Ashley in her arms): Put your hands on your head. Now. You're under arrest. (Alex croise ses mains sur sa tete, Ashley fait pareil, ce qui fait sourire Jane) (Cho ramene Alex and Ashley dans les couloirs, Jane and Lisbon les attendent en haut d'un escalier, surgit Sadie furieuse) (Alex folds his hands on his head, Ashley does the same, making Jane smile) (Cho brings back Alex and Ashley through the corridors, Jane and Lisbon wait at the top of the stair, Sadie appears angry) Sadie Harrington (slaps Jane): You're a b*st*rd! Jane: Uh, well, thanks for the, uh, feedback. Always appreciated. Ashley: What's wrong with grandpa? Sadie Harrington: It's okay, baby. It's okay. Alex Harrington (to Jane): You've got nothing. My lawyers will grind this to dust. (to Ed entering) Don't say a single thing, either of you. They're saying I killed Xan. Ed Harrington: Well, that's not true, right? Alex Harrington: Of course not. Jane: It was very sweet seeing you with Ashley. Uh, I guess after two sons, when she came along, it lit up your world. Strange, though, that you can't so much as look at your own daughter, nor barely touch your lovely wife. How'd you find out the baby wasn't yours? I know that you believed Tara was having an affair with Xander and that your son was Ella's biological father. And you were partly right. I mean, she was having an affair with your son, but it wasn't with Xander. Was it, Ed? Huh? Oh! Yeah, I figured it out when I saw you two at the CBI. She was very angry with you, very angry. Pure jealousy. Ed Harrington: Oh, my God. I'm... Jane: Ella's father. Congratulations. She's a real peach, actually. She's great. Alex Harrington: No. Can't be. Tara Harrington: I am so sorry. Alex Harrington: No! It was Xander! It was Xander. Jane: Okay. We'll take that as a confession. Thank you. Lisbon: Come on. Let's go. Ed Harrington: You really don't think I can do anything, do you? Alex Harrington: It can't be. Jane: Well, it is. Sorry. You killed the wrong son. CBI interrogation room (Lisbon, Jane, Alex Harrington) Alex Harrington: Xander and Tara seemed too close. Always whispering together n the corners, breaking apart when I'd come into the room. Lisbon: They were friends. They were probably talking about her affair with Ed. Alex Harrington: So I ordered a paternity test. The results came back the day of the party. (Flashback, dans le bureau de Xander, le jour de la party. Alex, Xander) Alex Harrington: Ella is not my child, but you know that already, don't you? Xander Harrington: What did you expect, dad?! You treat her like just another one of your possessions, but she's not! Alex Harrington (V.O.): I confronted Xan. Alex Harrington (flashback): You betrayed me! Alex Harrington (V.O.): He didn't deny it. (return to present) Alex Harrington: Why didn't he just deny it? Jane (V.O.): He just naturally assumed you knew it was Ed. Alex Harrington (flash back): You! (Alex grabs the letter opener and stabs Xander) Aah! (return to present) Alex Harrington: When I think... of what poor Ashley saw... Jane: She didn't see anything. I made it up. Alex Harrington: But the teacup, she was there. Jane: Yes, I know. But it's all in the wrist. (Jane leaves the room) Hightower's Office (Hightower, Bret Stiles, Jane) Bret Stiles: My good friend Senator Aleman is very concerned about my treatment. Of course, you do know the good Senator, huh? Hightower: Yes. Bret Stiles: Chair of the Justice Committee. Hightower: I know him. Jane (enters the office): Bret Stiles. Good to see you. Looking sharp. Bret Stiles: I mean, I'd hate to tell him that you failed to resolve this matter. Hightower: So why don't we resolve it right now? Bret Stiles: Mm. Good. Hightower: Patrick, Mr. Stiles here says that you antagonized him and conducted yourself in a way that reflected poorly on the bureau. Do you have anything to say? Jane: Uh, no. I'm, I'm good, thanks. Hightower: Okay. Bret Stiles: Actually, there's one thing I'd like to say. Hightower: Is this gonna be helpful, Patrick? Jane: Probably not. Hightower (to Stiles, dryly): Okay, then, there you go. Nice talking with you. Bret Stiles: What? You're, you're kidding, right? That's it? Hightower: No. Do give my best to Senator Aleman. Is he still seeing that stripper in Bakersfield? Lovely girl. Bret Stiles: Well, well. I can see that I've met my match here. You two, quite the double act. Ah. I will retreat, chastened. (il sort du bureau) Hightower (to Stiles who turns): By the way... We will find a way to charge you with that attempted bombing. Bret Stiles: Miss Hightower, shh. Don't push your luck. Jane: So long, Bret. Hightower: Don't draw the wrong lesson here, Patrick. I've got Stiles checkmated. But if a player with real juice came in here, I'd want to see you dance for him. Jane: Isn't that what we just did? Hightower: You know what I mean. Jane: Okay. And I do love to dance. (as he leaves, he dances, which makes Hightower smile)

Plan: A: CBI; Q: What is the name of the team that Jane is a part of? A: Xander Harrington; Q: Who was the murder victim? A: The investigation; Q: What leads to the Visualize Self-Realization Center? A: the Visualize Self-Realization Center; Q: What is the name of the cult-like religious group? A: Bret Stiles; Q: Who is the leader of the Visualize Self-Realization Center? A: an axe; Q: What weapon does Bret Stiles mention? A: a critical story; Q: What kind of story was published about Bret Stiles' group? A: Jane frets; Q: What does Jane do when Stiles mentions his wife and daughter? Summary: Jane and the CBI team are called to the murder of Xander Harrington; a media mogul and a wealthy media corporation's CEO. The investigation leads to the Visualize Self-Realization Center -- a cult-like religious group whose leader, Bret Stiles, may have had an axe to grind following the publication of a critical story about his group. Jane frets when Stiles mentions the death of his wife and daughter.

[Before the teaser there is a montage of scenes from previous episodes.] PARIS'S APARTMENT [Paris and Rory are on the couch eating talk out food, it is the same night as the last episodes.] PARIS: I say we repaint. RORY: Did you ever paint? PARIS: No, Doyle doesn't believe in improving someone else's property. RORY: Men! PARIS: Yeah, men. RORY: Well, we will repaint. PARIS: A new color scheme for a new era. RORY: I'll eat to that. [They toast by knocking chopsticks together] PARIS: Hey this is gonna be great. You and me and a freshly painted apartment, no men -- just lots and lots of Chinese food. RORY: We are going to get huge. PARIS: That's okay. We'll get a treadmill. RORY: Yeah, you always wanted a treadmill. PARIS: I did. Doyle thought, "why get a treadmill when you can walk outside?" RORY: With all the murderers and rapists. PARIS: Exactly what I would say. I'm glad you're back. RORY: Me too... You know, Paris, I'm really sorry about the whole editorship thing. PARIS: It's okay. RORY: I didn't lobby for the job. I mean, I swear I had no idea. PARIS: Forget it. I mean, who are we kidding? I am not cut out to deal with people. I was made to be in a lab or an operating room or a bunker somewhere with a well-behaved monkey by my side. I'm sorry, too, you know, for throwing you out. RORY: Consider it even. [Knock on door] PARIS: Did we actually order that pizza? RORY: I thought it was just discussed. PARIS: [shouting] Who is it? LOGAN: It's Logan. RORY: I don't want to talk to him. PARIS: I got it. [Paris gets up and opens the door] Well, well, if it isn't new haven's favorite whore hound. LOGAN: Is Rory here? PARIS: Yes. LOGAN: Can I talk to her? PARIS: No. You can talk to me. [She shuts the door to unchain it] What do you want to talk about -- life, love, common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases? LOGAN: Rory. PARIS: Rashes, sores, insanity. LOGAN: Five minutes, please! PARIS: You know, there's a few things I've always wanted to say to you, but out of respect for my friend Rory here, I've refrained. However, the circumstances seem to have changed. LOGAN: You don't know what you're talking about Paris... PARIS: I know you cheated on Rory. LOGAN: I did not cheat on Rory. PARIS: Are you going to deny it? Are you serious? LOGAN: We were apart. PARIS: Oh, please! LOGAN: We were! We weren't together! And why the hell am I arguing with you? I don't want you back. PARIS: You, Logan Huntzberger, are nothing but a two-bit, [he tries to push past Paris] spoiled waste of a trust fund. You offer nothing to women or the world in general. If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer. LOGAN: Want to chime in here? RORY: No, I think Paris has got it covered. LOGAN: [Pushing his way past Paris] Okay, that's it. PARIS: Wait! Hey! LOGAN: Rory, I just need 60 seconds. RORY: Go away, Logan. PARIS: No one invited you in. Get out right now before I go Bonaduce on your ass. LOGAN: I'm not going anywhere. I', not going anywhere. We're gonna talk. DOYLE: What the hell is this door doing unlocked? PARIS: What are you doing here? DOYLE: [shuts the door] I want to talk to you. PARIS: I told you to go. DOYLE: You did, and I did. I left, and I got drunk, and I thought about why I left and got drunk, and I realized that you are wrong. PARIS: I am not! And what are you wearing? DOYLE: Don't change the subject! LOGAN: [to Rory] Can we go in the other room? DOYLE: We're supposed to be together, Paris. You know it, I know it, your life coach knows it. PARIS: Terrence has been wrong before. When I wanted to get the pageboy haircut, remember? DOYLE: Paris, listen to me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. PARIS: Well, if that's true, then it's all uphill from here. DOYLE: I didn't have to come back here begging you to talk to me. I have options. PARIS: Right. DOYLE: I do! In fact, I almost hooked up with a really hot chick tonight. RORY: I don't see how that's gonna help your case, Doyle, at all. [to Logan] Know what Fine. Let's take this out into the hall. PARIS: You could have hooked up with a hot chick? DOYLE: Yes. PARIS: In rhinestone buttons? Who was it -- Sheila E.? [in the hall] RORY: Two minutes. Go. LOGAN: Look, I understand that you're upset, and I really wish you hadn't found out like that, but I love you. You know that I love you. When I said that I was your boyfriend, I agreed to be faithful to you, which was a first for me. And I thought it was gonna be hard, but it wasn't. Then I asked you to move in with me, I asked you to move in with me, and I thought that was gonna be hard, but it wasn't. I have been completely faithful to you, Rory. I have not been with another girl. RORY: Ha! LOGAN: I've not even thought about another girl. RORY: Except for Walker, Alexandra... LOGAN: We were broken up, Rory. RORY: No, you were. LOGAN: I thought we were broken up. I thought that's what the fight was. I thought that's what the separation was. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I honestly thought we weren't together? RORY: I guess. LOGAN: So then, if you believe that, that I thought we weren't together, then do you believe that, in my mind, I was not cheating on you? RORY: I guess. LOGAN: So then if you believe that, in my mind, I was not cheating on you, do you think you can forget what those vipers said today, put it behind you, and just come home with me? Come on, Rory. Just come home with me. Let's forget this crappy day ever happened, just go home. [pause] You want to make a pro/con list? RORY: Do not mock my pro/con list. LOGAN: I am not mocking your pro/con list. I actually think the list will come out in my favor. RORY: [Sighs] Well, I'd have to tell Paris I'm going. LOGAN: Absolutely, tell Paris you're going. RORY: [opens the apartment door] Whoa! Oh! LOGAN: What? RORY: They made up. Either that or Krav Maga is way kinkier than I thought it was. LOGAN: Well, you can tell her tomorrow. After all, it is tomorrow. RORY: Yeah, yeah, I can just call her from home. LOGAN: Hey. We okay? RORY: Yeah. [Logan puts is arm around Rory and they walk out] OPENING CREDITS LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke is on the Phone, Lorelai comes out of the bathroom] LUKE: Yeah sure, we'll see. LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: [puts his hand up] Okay. [Lorelai look amusingly at his hand] Call you later. [hangs up the phone. LORELAI: Did you not hear me screaming? LUKE: You were screaming? LORELAI: Yes like Janet Leigh in "psycho." LUKE: I was one the phone, why were you screaming? LORELAI: There was a spider in the shower. I trapped him under a soap dish. I need you to go in and get him and take him outside. LUKE: Right. LORELAI: Scoop him up gently. You do not want to break his little legs. Spiders are all about their legs. [takes a breath] I was shampooing. Everything was fine. I looked up, and there he was! LUKE: Holy mackerel. LORELAI: Yeah, he's a big boy. Don't hurt him. LUKE: I won't. LORELAI: I was talking to the spider. [Sighs...something crashes in the bath room] What happened? Are you okay? LUKE: Yeah, he's got a posse. LORELAI: You're kidding. LUKE: Arr, I am not kidding. LORELAI: What are you gonna do? LUKE: There isn't a soap dish in town big enough for these guys. LORELAI: Be careful. LUKE: I just got to trap them, move them out of the shower, and then sell the building. LORELAI: Ha. LUKE: So, that was April on the phone. LORELAI: What? LUKE: April called. Seems their math team made it into some national contest. LORELAI: Oh, well, good for her. LUKE: Yeah, it's pretty big. They're all going to Philadelphia next week. Bunch of the parents are supposed to chaperone. Anna was gonna go, but now she can't, so April called me. LORELAI: Oh. LUKE: Yeah, it's weird, 'cause usually it's me calling her to do things. This is the first time that she's called me. LORELAI: Well, good. That's progress, right? LUKE: I think so, but I can't take a week off from the diner. Plus, you and I probably have all sorts of plans next week. LORELAI: Not that we I of, oh, wait was next week the week we were gonna start our lives as outlaws? LUKE: Well, I just assumed we had stuff to do next week. LORELAI: No. LUKE: Oh. LORELAI: You should go. LUKE: You think? LORELAI: Yeah, she asked you. She called you and I know that traveling across country in a bus full of little man Tates has been a lifelong dream of yours. LUKE: Well, okay. I think I will go. LORELAI: Good. LUKE: Yeah you know I looked up the route last night. Sounds like a great trip. They'll be visiting constitution hall and stopping in Gettysburg. Do you know I have never seen the liberty bell? LORELAI: Communist. LUKE: Okay I'm gonna take these guys outside. Any particular place you want them? LORELAI: Yeah, someplace shady, shelter from the elements and, ideally, near a talking pig. LUKE: I asked. I have no one to blame but myself. THE BANDS APARTMENT [Zach and Brian are playing a video came, Lane is unpacking] ZACH: There's still a glare, right? BRIAN: Huge glare, I can't make out all the details of castle siege. ZACH: And those trolls, you've got to squint to see them. LANE: The TV's fine, guys. It's in exactly the same place it used to be. ZACH: Dude, wait till you hear how I soundproofed Lane's old room. Pier 1 cushions wall-to-wall, perfect acoustics. LANE: Band practice officially starts back up tomorrow. ZACH: Dude, you want this bottom drawer, too? BRIAN: Sure, a sock drawer. ZACH: Nothing is gayer than a sock drawer. BRIAN: Really, there's got to be something gayer than a sock drawer. LANE: Okay, before you guys get too deeply entrenched in the "what's gayer than a sock drawer" conversation, I'm gonna say goodbye. [kisses Zach] Goodbye. ZACH: Goodbye. LANE: Bye, Brian. BRIAN: Bye, Lane. Thanks for the help. LANE: Hey, make sure you behave yourself out there. You're almost a married woman. BRIAN: Hey, what happens when you guys get married? ZACH: Well, we finally get to have s*x. LANE: [embarrassed and quietly] Zack. BRIAN: No, I mean, I just moved in here. But when you guys get married, do I move out again? [Lane and Zach look at each other] LANE: We haven't really discussed that yet. ZACH: Yeah, well, we can move the band equipment back out here, me and Lane will take the room. You can have the bunk beds all to yourself. BRIAN: Cool! LANE: Ah Zach, don't you think we should get our own apartment when we get married? ZACH: But this is a great apartment. LANE: I know this is a great apartment. BRIAN: I thought you liked Brian. LANE: I do. I just think maybe we'd want our own place. ZACH: Our own place? Okay. Wow. I tell you, this marriage thing major. Every day, something huge to think about. LANE: Speaking of huge, you need to talk to my mom. BRIAN: You haven't told Mrs. Kim yet? ZACH: Don't worry I'm heading over there today. LANE: You are? Are you ready? You have a clean shirt? You sewed up your pants? ZACH: Everything's under control, hunter and gatherer and all that crap. Go to work. Okay. Call me the minute you talk to her. [they kiss again, then Lane leaves] BRIAN: You got yourself a good woman there. ZACH: Yep, I do. You are officially moved back in. BRIAN: Cool. [they look at the TV] Hey wasn't the TV facing the other way? ZACH: Yes that's it. It's good to have you home man. It's good to have you home. [They more the TV and agree it's right now "Oh, yeah".] LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai enters] LORELAI: Hey, when you come over later tonight, I have a cricket cornered under a paper cup in the living room. I poked holes in the top, so he could breath and then I taped it to the floor 'cause he kept jumping out. And I put books on top of the tape, incase it wasn't sticky enough so don't move the books until you're ready for transport. What are you doing? LUKE: I'm sewing my duffel bag. LORELAI: That's crazy. LUKE: That's crazy? LORELAI: Yeah that thing's 100 years old. Just throw it away. LUKE: The bag is fine. LORELAI: That is not a bag. That is a collection of molecules tethered together by dirt. LUKE: I'll get you your coffee in a minute. LORELAI: Luke, come on. You're going on a major trip next week. Spring for some real luggage. LUKE: I don't need any luggage. LORELAI: I'll go shopping with you. We can hit the mall later. LUKE: I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to hit the mall. I will fix this bag, and it will be fine. LORELAI: All right I'll so shopping alone I can pick something out for you. LUKE: I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine. Ow! [he pricks him self with the needle. LANE: Ooh, that's the third time he's stabbed himself this morning. LORELAI: Maybe we should put him on suicide watch. LANE: Couldn't hurt. LUKE: Hey, there's customers to talk to if you're lonely. Ow! LORELAI: I can't believe you think shopping is more painful than this! LANE: Oh, I'll be right back. [Lane goes out side] LANE: Rory, I can't believe you're here! RORY: Oh, I just thought I'd, whoa! Wow, these small towns are mighty friendly. LANE: I have some really, really big news. RORY: What? [Lane shows Rory the ring[ You've become a Shriner. LORELAI: Bleeding stop yet? LUKE: It's fine. LORELAI: You sure you don't want me to call an ambulance, or a Tumi store? [Lorelai here's the girls shrieking outside] Rory's here! LUKE: She is? LORELAI: Yeah, she's outside bouncing around with Lane. LUKE: How come she came home? LORELAI: I don't know, bouncing lessons? RORY: Did you hear? LORELAI: Did I hear what? RORY: Show her, show her, show her! LORELAI: You won the super bowl? LANE: I'm engaged. LORELAI: No! RORY: Yes! LORELAI: Let me see the ring again. LANE: It's all Zach could afford, but I think it's rock 'n' roll. It's the rocking and the rolling-est. I'm so excited for you, Lane. That's awesome! LANE: Thanks I would have told you earlier, but I thought you knew. LORELAI: Why would I know? LANE: Well Luke was standing right there when it happened. LORELAI: You knew? LUKE: Um, yeah. LORELAI: Did you forget to tell me? LUKE: No, I just thought that Lane would want to tell you herself. LORELAI: You forgot to tell me. LUKE: Fine, sure. I forgot to tell you. So what? I remember being engaged to you. Isn't that enough? CUSTOMER: Can I get some more coffee? LANE: I'll be right back. RORY: Oh, I am so hungry. Do you think Luke would be willing to make us S'mores today? LORELAI: Hey, for you, anything. So, nice surprise. RORY: What Lane? LORELAI: No, you showing up. I didn't expect it, you being such a modern, busy woman and all. RORY: Well, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. LORELAI: So, any special occasion I should know about? RORY: No, I just thought I could use a good Stars Hollow fix for a couple days. How crazy are things at the inn? LORELAI: Absolutely insane. However, for you, I can play a little hooky. RORY: What a role model. LORELAI: Well, I try. So, what's new? You okay? RORY: Yeah, why? LORELAI: Well, Logan and moving out. RORY: Oh, right. About that. Remember the new address? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Cross it out. I'm back to the old one. LORELAI: What? Back at Logan's? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: How did this happen? RORY: He came over to Paris' last night, and we talked. He explained everything. LORELAI: So there's an explanation? RORY: Yeah, and we're fine now. LORELAI: You're fine. But what about the bridesmaids? RORY: Misunderstanding. Everything's good. LUKE: Here, start on these. I'm making you some S'mores. RORY: He's the most beautiful man in the world. LORELAI: Yeah, you should see him carry a spider outside. DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DESK [Rory is on her cell phone and Michel is behind the desk] RORY: A.K., It's a lacrosse piece. It's fine. Well I'm sorry I can't give you more feedback, but until five minutes ago, I didn't even know Yale had a Lacrosse team. So when I criticize a piece, you think I hate it. When I don't criticize a piece, you think I hate it. Do you want me to hate you, A.K.? Because it's becoming a possibility. Wonderful, in that case, I will continue to be a fan of you and your work. Goodbye. MICHEL: You're quite the busy bee. RORY: Oh, yeah, well, writers can be temperamental. MICHEL: I'm sure... You like neon? RORY: Sorry? MICHEL: I see you're making liberal use of my pink neon post-it notes. RORY: I'm sorry. Would you like me to reimburse you for the seven pink neon post-it notes that I have used? 'Cause I'd be happy to if you can break a penny. MICHEL: No, little Lorelai, it's not the cost that is the problem. It's the disruption. RORY: Disruption? MICHEL: Of the system. RORY: I see. MICHEL: Do you? RORY: No. MICHEL: The pink neon post-it notes are used for guests who are checking in. The green neon post-it notes are for guests checking out. And the watermelon post-it notes are for guests who have altered or cancelled their reservations. As you can see, the pink neon stack is now woefully out of balance with the green neon stack, creating the illusion that more guests have been checking in than checking out, which, of course, is a physical impossibility unless we have begun murdering them. LORELAI: [They are stare at each other as Lorelai enters the room,] Are you guys having a staring contest? 'Cause I think for it to be official, you have to be seated. MICHEL: I was just filling your daughter in on the inner workings of the dragonfly. LORELAI: Oh, what did she do? RORY: I took some post-its. LORELAI: But the system! RORY: It will never happen again. LORELAI: Michel, you have my deep and sincere apology. She was raised better than that. [slaps Rory on the wrist] RORY: Oh, actually, I did it with the other hand. [Lorelai slaps the other wrist] MICHEL: I'm going on my break. RORY: He seems good. LORELAI: Yeah, it's the yoga. [cell phone rings] So, you ready for the movie? RORY: Yeah. Let me get my stuff. LORELAI: [answering the phone] Hello. EMILY: Lorelai, it's your mother! I'm calling you from the car! LORELAI: You're not calling to me from a car, so stop yelling. EMILY: But you're on speakerphone! LORELAI: I stand by my earlier position. EMILY: Fine. How far is it from Preston to New London? [the car navigation system, woman speaking German] LORELAI: What's going on? Where are you? EMILY: In Preston, apparently, though we're supposed to be at an estate sale in new London. RICHARD: This bag of bolts. EMILY: And this GPS contraption your father insisted on buying is speaking German. LORELAI: Well, New London's right near Stars Hollow, and Preston's not. EMILY: I knew it! LORELAI: Still yelling. EMILY: Richard, what are you doing? Why are you stopping? RICHARD: Because this contraption, as you call it, can only be used when the car is stopped. EMILY: So every time we want to ask the machine for directions, we have to pull over to the side of the road? RICHARD: It would appear so. I thought the point of the machine was to avoid pulling over to ask directions. LORELAI: If I told people, they wouldn't believe it. RORY: What's going on? LORELAI: Apparently, there's a fight to the death between Richard and Emily and an evil German supercomputer. RORY: I want to hear. LORELAI: Oh. [Lorelai puts the cell on speaker phone] EMILY: I thought we paid $4,000 for a computer to give us directions, not to babysit us and make decisions for us about how to live our lives. I mean what's next, the radio won't turn on if it doesn't like the song? The engine won't start if the cup of coffee I'm holding is too hot? Maybe the car won't go in reverse if it doesn't like my perfume? RICHARD: At the moments Emily, I would be happy if I could just get the damn thing to stop barking at me in German. LORELAI: Hi! Hi! Remember me? Yeah, you called me like 45 minutes ago. EMILY: Yes, Lorelai, I'm still here. LORELAI: Right, in Preston, about 20 miles off course. EMILY: 20 miles! I told you, Richard! RICHARD: What you said, Emily, was to turn south when I wanted to turn north. LORELAI: Next time, you guys should call before you head out. You could have stopped by. [Lorelai starts laughing] GPS SYSTEM: At the next light, turn right. RICHARD: Ha! There we are, English at last. EMILY: [to Lorelai] Well, we still could. We were only staying at the estate sale for a little while. LORELAI: [panicked] What? No, no. You guys have already gone way past Stars Hollow. EMILY: It's not problem we don't mind going a little out of our way, do we, Richard? RICHARD: Certainly not. EMILY: When should she expect us? RICHARD: Oh, about 4:30. Wait, wait! I don't want you guys to have to make a special trip. That really, really wouldn't make any sense. That's crazy! That's like asylum crazy. Besides, Rory and I were just about to head out for a movie. EMILY: Rory's there? LORELAI: Damn! EMILY: Excuse me? LORELAI: Damn straight. EMILY: Wonderful! We'll see you both around 4:30. LORELAI: [hangs up the phone] Damn it. KIM'S ANTIQUES [Mrs Kim is dusting and Zach comes in] MRS KIM: What are you doing here? ZACH: Oh, uh... MRS KIM: Lane is not here right now and anyway there are laws against stalking. You could go to jail. ZACH: No, I'm not stalking. I'm just looking for A...doorknob. MRS KIM: $75. ZACH: Wow. Could you throw in a door? MRS KIM: Cash or credit? ZACH: Actually, could I talk to you first? MRS KIM: About what? ZACH: I want to marry Lane. MRS KIM: I see. ZACH: I know Lane's your only daughter and I know how important she is to you, but I really love her. I mean, really love her. She's smart and hot [Mrs Kim looks at Zack] well, not hot. I don't mean hot, like, in a slutty way. She's beautiful and cool and an awesome drummer. Now I know you may have questions, and I totally get that, so I brought some stuff to answer them. First thing, I'm a good worker. That's a letter of recommendation from my manager at Quest Copying. Notice the part where he wrote, "Zach's a good worker." I didn't tell him to say that. He doesn't dig me that much personally, so you know he means it. I'm also in line for a promotion, assistant manager, which comes with medical benefits, so I can buy cheap medicine and get my teeth cleaned and stuff. That's my latest bank statement. It's not a lot, I know, but it grows a little every month well, except for maybe this month. The doorknob's gonna set me back a bit. MRS KIM: I thought you were a musician. ZACH: Well, yeah, I am. MRS KIM: And that is your true calling? ZACH: Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm into drugs or looking to do the whole baby shambles thing. I just like to play. MRS KIM: You have a demo? ZACH: Sure. But, I swear, the music never interferes with my day job, you can call my manager. MRS KIM: Bring it to me. ZACH: What? MRS KIM: I need to know whether you can provide for Lane. ZACH: But I can. I showed you. I can. MRS KIM: As a musician! This is what you want to do with your life, yes? ZACH: Yeah. MRS KIM: Then you will bring me your demo. ZACH: But what are you gonna do review it? Because rock it's very subjective. MRS KIM: I will evaluate it. ZACH: Evaluate it? And you haven't mentioned anything about marriage to Lane yet, right? ZACH: Oh...no. I came to you first. MRS KIM: Good. Don't tell her. No need to get her hopes up in case this doesn't work out. ZACH: You don't think it's gonna work out? MRS KIM: We take one step at a time. ZACH: [Sighs] MRS KIM: You still want the doorknob? ZACH: Not really. LORELAI AND LUKE'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are cleaning] RORY: Are you sure this whole thing isn't just an elaborate scheme to get me to help you clean your house? LORELAI: Just throw away or hide anything that might be incriminating. RORY: Incriminating? LORELAI: Yes anything that can, could, or might lead to a conversation about anything. RORY: How about this? Are you kidding me? A freckled, half-naked Lindsay Lohan on the cover of vanity fair? Uh, skin cancer, drug abuse, anorexia, bra shopping just dump it. RORY: You're hiding your flowers? LORELAI: Yes, 'cause when people see flowers, they feel happy and welcome. It's important that my parents have as few positive associations about being here as possible. RORY: We could hit them over the head with mallets when they walk in the door. LORELAI: No, but I do have this incredibly bad-smelling perfume that Luke gave me for Christmas last year that I could spray around the house. It's like a cross between love's baby soft and curious by Britney Spears, with just a hint of Lysol thrown in. RORY: Delightful. LORELAI: Well, god bless him. He tries. [Doorbell rings, Lorelai goes and answers it] SOOKIE: Food! LORELAI: No, I'm Lorelai. SOOKIE: Heavy. LORELAI: That's just mean. SOOKIE: Falling. LORELAI: Right. [Takes some items] Follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] [cut to the kitchen] LORELAI: You are a lifesaver, Sookie. SOOKIE: I try. Okay, we've got mac and cheese. We've got Taquitos. We've got little biddy hot dogs... LORELAI: Wait, Sookie, what is all this stuff? SOOKIE: What? I made your favorites. LORELAI: But my parents aren't gonna eat any of this. SOOKIE: Your parents? I thought this was for you. LORELAI: You thought I wanted to sit by myself and eat an entire buffet of the world's most fattening food? SOOKIE: I don't know I just figured it was just one of your cravings or maybe just a fun way to announce that you're pregnant. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Well, you were saying something about being a sudden parent or expecting or being due soon. It's impossible to hear anything over that damn Cuisinart and all those gossiping busboys. So you're not pregnant? LORELAI: No, I'm just expecting my parents over any minute. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, that makes sense, too. LORELAI: That's okay. We'll make do. [Sookie looks at Lorelai funny] I'm not pregnant! SOOKIE: Okay! Okay! LORELAI: Now, the food... SOOKIE: Right. Okay, the mini hot dogs can be bratwurst. The mac and cheese can be pasta La Sookie. And, presto, the Taquitos are Blinis. LORELAI: And the chili fries? SOOKIE: Are chili fries. LORELAI: Right. RORY: Hey, Sookie. SOOKIE: Hi, Rory. Blini? RORY: Yes, please. [Sookie giggles] So, I cleared out all the magazines, newspapers, and most of the books and I hid away all the throw pillows and blankets and I lowered the heat to 55 to ensure minimal post-meal lingering. LORELAI: Yale-educated. I'll go do one final walk-through. SOOKIE: Last chance before I stash them. LORELAI: I'm not! SOOKIE: Okay, okay. RORY: Grandma and grandpa's jag is here. LORELAI: What? [In a panic] I didn't hear them drive up. Did you? RORY: No. LORELAI: Well, where the hell are they? RORY: I don't know! SOOKIE: Maybe they've been taken. LORELAI: Don't tease me. SOOKIE: Go! I'll finish setting up. [cut to outside] RORY: The engine's cold. LORELAI: [Gasps] Maybe they have been taken! EMILY: Hello, Lorelai, Rory. RORY: Hi, grandma. LORELAI: When did you get here? EMILY: Oh, just a few minutes ago. You didn't tell me you were painting. LORELAI: I know. It's part of the remodel. EMILY: And is that the final color? LORELAI: Yep. EMILY: Hum must be so nice not having to worry about a homeowner's association. RICHARD: There's a boat here. LORELAI: Dad! RICHARD: Lorelai, Rory. RORY: Hi grandpa. RICHARD: When did you get a boat, Lorelai? EMILY: Oh Richard, I've seen that boat. It's Luke's. RICHARD: Well, it doesn't look very seaworthy. LORELAI: It's a work in progress. It was his father's. RICHARD: Arr. EMILY: Luke keeps his dead father's boat locked away in your garage? LORELAI: Mother. EMILY: What? I'm just saying, isn't that kind of morbid? LORELAI: It's not like he's using it to hold his bones. RORY: You guys must be hungry. Let's head inside. EMILY: Well, well. I had no idea you'd had so much work done. LORELAI: Oh, it's nothing extensive, a nip here, a tuck there. EMILY: This room's been completely redone. LORELAI: A nip, nip, nip, tuck, tuck, tuck. EMILY: Apparently you haven't installed the heat yet. [Paul Anka runs in and jumps on a chair to get a snack] What's this? RORY: That's Paul Anka. EMILY: You have a dog? LORELAI: I just got him. EMILY: When? LORELAI: Yesterday. Oh, well, fast learner, that one. EMILY: You should open an obedience school. You'd make a fortune. LORELAI: Oh, mom, dad, you remember Sookie. EMILY: Of course, hello, Sookie. RICHARD: Will you be joining us for dinner? SOOKIE: Oh no, I'm just helping. The wainscoting here is substandard. If you had called me I could have recommended a real professional. LORELAI: Well since mine was a fake professional, I got to pay him in monopoly money. EMILY: Is that veneer? Tell me that's not veneer. LORELAI: So, Sookie, Tapas in the kitchen? SOOKIE: Right this way. EMILY: You're still eating in the kitchen? LORELAI: Yes we always eat in the kitchen. That's where the food is. RORY: Grandpa, could I offer you something to drink? RICHARD: I suppose it's not too early for a scotch. RORY: And what about you, grandma? Grandma? EMILY: Up here. Richard, come have a look. RICHARD: Where are you? EMILY: In the bedroom. LORELAI: Three minutes gone, they're already in my bedroom. RORY: Impressive, by the way, with all the throw pillows, blankets, magazines, and books. LORELAI: Piled up on the bed? RORY: Bathtub. LORELAI: That's gonna take some explaining. KIM HOUSE [Zach comes in, Mrs Kim is listening to his demo tape.] ZACH: Hey, Mrs. Kim. Still on the first song, huh? MRS KIM: No, I've listened to the whole thing many times. ZACH: Yeah? And? MRS KIM: Nothing catchy. ZACH: Nothing out of those songs? MRS KIM: There are good bits here and there, and Lane can really pound the skins, but you need a hit. ZACH: But tons of great bands don't have hits. MRS KIM: I don't care about other bands. I care about your band, Lane's band. Don't you care about your band? ZACH: I care a butt load. MRS KIM: Then write a hit. ZACH: Okay, not a problem. McCartney hasn't written a hit in 20 years, but I'll just sit down and crank one out. MRS KIM: You will if you want to marry Lane. ZACH: That's just not how it works. MRS KIM: I'll tell you how it works. You write a hit. You get a record contract. You write a hit. You get representation. You write a hit. You become husband. Can you do it? Can you write a hit? ZACH: I don't know, maybe. I can try. MRS KIM: Don't try, do. 3 1/2 minutes, tops, and radio-friendly. [Zach leaves] LORELAI AND LUKE'S HOUSE [Kitchen Lorelai, Rory Emily and Richard are eating at the kitchen table] RICHARD: This pasta La Sookie is very good, Lorelai. LORELAI: It's a big hit around the inn. RICHARD: There's something very familiar about it. I can't quite place it. EMILY: It's similar to the pasta La Fromage at De L'étoile'S. LORELAI: Ah, yes, De L'étoile'S sounds like my kind of guy. EMILY: [cell phone rings] What's that noise that keeps happening? RORY: That's my cell phone, grandma. I'll turn it off. LORELAI: Or you can just take it in the other room, if you want. RORY: Nope, it's off. Pass the Blinis. EMILY: So, Lorelai, a new dog, a new bedroom, a new bathroom. It's like a whole new house. LORELAI: Except that it's the same house. EMILY: It doesn't look the same. It's lucky we had your address. We would have driven right by. LORELAI: Well, I was waiting till it was all done to show you. EMILY: All done? There's more that you're doing? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, the mailbox is crooked, and I was gonna plant a bush in the yard. EMILY: Forgive me. I had no idea such a stunning makeover was ahead of me. I feel terribly involved. [Knock on door, Lorelai get up to answer it.] Mom, come on. You were gonna be invited over. I just wanted to make sure everything was done and ready and that I could have you over when I could spend the maximum amount of time showing you around. [It's Luke, he starts to come in, turns and leaves, quietly to Luke] My parents are here. [To Emily] I was hoping to have a nice, little catered affair, you know, with guys in black coats carrying trays, 'cause I know how much you love guys in black coats carrying trays. EMILY: Who was at the door? LORELAI: Oh, it was Ed McMahon. He's always showing up with these big cardboard checks. They are impossible to endorse, by the way. EMILY: I am never not sorry that I ask these questions. So I'm guessing all this means that you and Luke will be staying? LORELAI: Staying? EMILY: In Stars Hollow. LORELAI: Mom, I've lived in Stars Hollow for 21 years. RICHARD: You can live somewhere your entire life and never truly feel at home, Lorelai. LORELAI: Well, I do. I feel at home here, mostly 'cause it is my home and has been for 21 years. RICHARD: Yes, well... EMILY: This house does have charm. It feels very homey. I can see you and Luke here. LORELAI: Wow. Thank you, mom. RORY: How about I make some coffee? RICHARD: Thank you, Rory, but we'll have to take a rain check. Look at the time Emily. EMILY: Oh, goodness! I had no idea it was so late. LORELAI: Yes, who knew that 3 hours and 14 minutes could go by so fast? [Rory gives here a look] Well, I certainly didn't. [cut to the front door, Emily and Richard are already in there car.] RORY: Drive safe. LORELAI: Bye-bye, now. [shuts the door] RORY: Your parents are exhausting. LORELAI: Not as exhausting as your grandparents. [Sighs] RORY: That was Luke at the door, wasn't it? LORELAI: Yeah. Okay, second wind. Now, the early-bird dinner made immediate eating unnecessary, so I say we go straight to the movie and pick up a pizza on the way home. RORY: Perfect. LORELAI: Or perhaps we could get pizza on the way there and sneak it in, just in case. RORY: You in the market for some luggage? LORELAI: What? Oh. That's for Luke. He's going on a trip, and his stupid duffel bag is in shreds. RORY: What trip? LORELAI: He is going to chaperone April's field trip to Philadelphia. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah, he's really excited about it. But that excitement might end when he gets there and discovers that his underwear fell out somewhere around Amish country. The Amish however would be psyched, All right, what do we want a comedy, a tragedy, or a tragedy that makes us laugh? RORY: Have you met her yet? LORELAI: Met who? RORY: April. LORELAI: Hum, not officially. RORY: What about her mom, what do you know about her? LORELAI: Not much. Err Apparently, she's incredibly beautiful, she grew up here, she owns a store in Woodbridge, and Miss Patty thinks she was Mata Hari in a former life. RORY: What kind of store? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: Hmm, hey I have an idea, a really good idea. LORELAI: Ew, you have evil face. RORY: No, we should go to Woodbridge and go to her store. LORELAI: What? RORY: Yeah. She won't know who we are. We could just go in there and see what she looks like. LORELAI: No. RORY: Why not? LORELAI: Because I'm not spying on Luke's old girlfriend. RORY: You mean the mother of your fiancé's daughter. LORELAI: Whatever, it's weird and creepy. RORY: You're telling me you're not at all curious about the other woman? LORELAI: She's not the other woman. She's another woman. RORY: Come on. Where's your adventurous spirit? LORELAI: Hey, this is Luke's thing okay. He wants me to keep out of it for now, so I'm staying out of it, for now. Come on, troublemaker, put that evil mind to better use here. RORY: Fine. [looks at the paper] Last half of "Nanny McPhee," first half of "final destination 3." LORELAI: Brilliant. Now, that is what a mind is for, my friend. STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE [Lorelai and Rory are walking through the town square] LORELAI: I am sorry, but after you almost get killed on a plane and on the freeway, why would you choose to go on a crazy, terrifying roller coaster? RORY: Oh boy. LORELAI: I mean, at that point, just stay home, right? RORY: It's a horror movie. LORELAI: Yes but it doesn't make any sense. RORY: It's not supposed to. It's supposed to make you sick. LORELAI: Fine whatever. I'm heading to the inn. Do you want to come over and hang? RORY: No, I got to run some errands. I'll meet you there later. LORELAI: All right, but watch out that a streetlight doesn't accidentally break off, swing down, and decapitate you. RORY: Will do. LORELAI: [sighs and starts to walk away, then returns] I mean, why even bother calling it "final destination 3"? At that point, just call it "now you're really, really, really dead." RORY: [holds her hand up like a phone] Hello, Hollywood? Boy, have I got a picture for you. [They both walk away, Zach is writing his song strumming a Guitar on the steps of the gazebo. But is not doing very well.] ANNA'S STORE [Rory enters] WOMAN: T-shirt or top? ANNA: What do you need most? WOMAN: Both. ANNA: Then go for broke, not literally, of course. We like our customers solvent. Keeps them coming back. WOMAN: [reading a t-shirt] "Your boyfriend wants me"? ANNA: What can I say? It's our biggest seller. WOMAN: Okay, I guess I'll try these on. ANNA: Dressing room's right through there, sweetie. Call if you need sizes. [Rory is looking at a few things] ANNA: 1960s PAN AM stewardess bag. RORY: Oh. Really? A stewardess bag? Huh. ANNA: Yeah, I have the stewardess that goes with it, too, but it'll cost you. RORY: It's really cute, all of your stuff is really cute. ANNA: Thank you. I try to stock mostly one-of-a-kind things. I'm really into the whole "this is mine, you can't have it" scene. Must be only-child syndrome. RORY: Ah, yes, I know it well. ANNA: Okay, well, take your time. RORY: Okay. ANNA: Everything in that corner of the store smells like vanilla, freaky and unplanned. [Rory looks toward the corner with a weird face, then continues looking through the story] ANNA: [To other customer while Rory looks on.] No. WOMAN: What? ANNA: No. WOMAN: But... ANNA: Trust me, at this moment, I am your best friend in the world. WOMAN: Should I just look... ANNA: No. WOMAN: Okay, well... ANNA: Not that, either. [Hands her so other clothes to try on] DRAGONFLY INN - SITTING ROOM KIRK: Look, Mrs. Kingston, Kirk will not rest until you are satisfied. Your demands are Kirk's demands. Your needs are Kirk's needs. Kirk is here for you. LORELAI: Um, Kirk? KIRK: [Points to the wireless ear piece] Kirk appreciates that, Mrs. Kingston. We'll talk soon. [Ends the call] LORELAI: What are you doing here? KIRK: Trying to bag a whale. Kirk's in the real-estate game now. LORELAI: Stop doing that. KIRK: What? LORELAI: Referring to yourself as "Kirk." KIRK: That's Kirk's thing. Every realtor needs a thing. This is Kirk's thing. LORELAI: You're a realtor? KIRK: Trainee, technically. LORELAI: Well, Um, take your training somewhere else, okay? Your scaring away all my customers and my staff. KIRK: Unfortunately, there is nowhere else. Trainees don't get offices or salaries or jackets, actually. I'm supposed to be having this dry-cleaned for one of the senior brokers. It smells a little funky but fits like a dream. [Takes another phone call] You've got Kirk. Yes, Mrs. Zelnor. Right, the Dragonfly Inn. See you this afternoon. LORELAI: Wait, you're meeting clients here? KIRK: Only a few. LORELAI: No. KIRK: I promise I'll be out of your hair as soon as I make my bones. I just need a temporary place to conduct my business and potentially have s*x with prospective clients. LORELAI: What? KIRK: That's Kirk's other thing, the young, virile eye candy angle for lonely widows and aging divorcées. Works like a charm. I plan on running it by Lulu, of course. LORELAI: Kirk, get out of here. Take your jacket and your dippy "Star Trek" device and your creepy new career and scram. KIRK: Fine, but I would have expected a little more cooperation from you, considering what I'm doing for your parents. LORELAI: What are you doing for my parents? KIRK: Shoot, I should not have said that. LORELAI: Said what? KIRK: Nothing. I can neither confirm nor deny that your parents are looking for a place in Stars Hollow. LORELAI: My parents are looking for a place in Stars Hollow?! KIRK: I can't say. The realtor-trainee/client privilege is sacrosanct. The manual's very clear on that. LORELAI: How long have they been looking? KIRK: I've already said too much. It isn't even my account. The entire firm is working on it. LORELAI: How long, Kirk? KIRK: All I know is they're looking, they're pricing, they've seen three gracious single-family Tudors this week, and they have a 2:00 P.M. Showing tomorrow at 546 Oak Ridge Lane. But I cannot and will not violate their confidence. LORELAI: This cannot be happening. KIRK: Kirk here. Well, hello, Miss Wyatt. Lovely to hear your voice. Have I got a duplex for you. [Kirk leaves] DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY [Rory enters with coffee] RORY: I am getting three hot dogs tonight, and I'll tell you why. I have "Bugsy Malone" running through my head, especially the scene where Scott Baio buys Florrie Dugger a hot dog and he offers her mustard with onions or ketchup without. So I started thinking, "what would I like -- mustard with onions or ketchup without?" And then, suddenly, they both started to sound really good. But I usually get my hot dogs with ketchup and relish. And you don't just walk out on something that has served you so well for so long. So three hot dogs it is. So what do you think happened to Florrie Dugger, anyway? LORELAI: Oh, she moved to Stars Hollow, and her mother harped on her hairstyle so much, she jumped off a bridge. RORY: What? LORELAI: The Gilmore's are moving in. RORY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: Kirk was in here today. KIRK: Nothing good starts with, "Kirk was in here today." LORELAI: And he's trying to be a realtor and he told me that he's been taking my parents around to look at houses. RORY: Around here? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: But why? LORELAI: Why?! Because Luke and I are getting married, and I guess they figure we'll be having kids, and they want to be near me when that happens, really near, like in the room wearing Bill Blass scrubs. RORY: Oh, boy. LORELAI: I don't know what to do. I moved 30 miles away from my parents for a reason. Those 30 miles act as buffer so that when my mother says something that makes me want to kill her, I have to drive 30 miles to do it. 10 miles in, I usually calm down or I get hungry or I pass a mall, something prevents me from actually killing her. That buffer is my mother's best friend. Take the buffer away and you got Nancy Grace camping out on miss patty's lawn for a month. RORY: Okay, you need to get a grip. Maybe Kirk is wrong. LORELAI: Maybe. RORY: Well, don't think about it. Here, let me distract you with a present. LORELAI: For me? RORY: For you. LORELAI: Well, the world stops for a present. RORY: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: Oh, it's so cute. I love it! RORY: Good. You want to know where I got it? LORELAI: Where did you get it? RORY: At Anna Nardini's store. LORELAI: What? It was great. I just strolled right in, looked very casual. I didn't have to pretend like I needed help or anything. She just came right up to me. LORELAI: I told you I didn't want to go there. RORY: Well, you didn't. I did. LORELAI: I didn't want you to go there, either. RORY: What's the big deal? She didn't know who I was. LORELAI: The big deal is Luke asked me to stay out of this. He told me that he would deal with it. RORY: But you're his fiancée. LORELAI: Yeah and you should be able to trust your fiancée. RORY: Oh, right, the way he trusted you when he found out about April? LORELAI: Hey! RORY: Okay, I'm sorry. I just think it's crazy that you don't want to know anything about this woman. LORELAI: Rory, this conversation is over. RORY: So you're not at all curious about her? LORELAI: No. RORY: So you don't want to know what she looks like? LORELAI: No. RORY: I'm sorry, you seriously don't care whether she's pretty or not? LORELAI: No! RORY: So you have no interest in the fact that she has good taste in clothes or music or... LORELAI: Rory, stop! Drop it! I mean it! RORY: Fine. I guess you don't want the purse then. MRS KIM'S GARAGE ZACH: [Zack is singing] What's the big commotion? What's the big commotion? Got ahead of distortion tell me before the kettle blows you know we got another commotion [Stops singing] so? MRS KIM: Close. ZACH: [growns] MRS KIM: Last part needs work. ZACH: Well, I don't know what else to do. MRS KIM: What you do is try again. I've been working on this song for 20 hours. My fingers are cramping. I'm totally fried. MRS KIM: Run in place for a minute. Gets the blood moving. ZACH: Forget it. This is hopeless. MRS KIM: What? ZACH: I can't write a hit, okay? MRS KIM: Not with that attitude you can't. Now, pick up your guitar. [He does.] Let me hear the last line of the chorus again. ZACH: [Singing] Tell me before the kettle blows you know we got another commotion MRS KIM: stinks. ZACH: Great. MRS KIM: Try going out on a minor chord. ZACH: A minor chord, like this one. MRS KIM: Different minor chord. [plays it] Not quite. ZACH: How's this one? MRS KIM: Better. ZACH: Yeah. That is better. Very Ray Davies. MRS KIM: I was thinking Dave Clark Five. Now try it again, the whole chorus. ZACH: [Singing] What's the big commotion? What's the big commotion? Got ahead of distortion tell me before the kettle blows you know we got another commotion. [Finishes Singing] whoa. MRS KIM: Now, that is a hit song. ZACH: It is. We wrote a hit song. Mrs. Kim, we wrote a hit song! MRS KIM: Excellent. Now we go inside. ZACH: You know, I try to write with Brian all the time, but it doesn't work out 'cause he gives in way too easy, you know? He just doesn't push me. I got a couple more songs I'd love for you to listen to. Maybe I can bring them by later? MRS KIM: Lane, come down here now. Zach has something important to say to you. LANE: Yes, Zach? ZACH: Your mom and I just wrote a hit song. LANE: What? ZACH: It was incredible. We were in the garage. It was awesome. It goes out on a minor chord. MRS KIM: Zach! ZACH: Yeah? MRS KIM: Don't you have something else to say to Lane? [Puts down a small step between them] Maybe something to ask her? ZACH: Oh, right. Sorry, uh... Lane? Lane, will you marry me? LANE: Yes, Zach, I will. MRS KIM: Hold on. [Gets something from her pocket] This ring belonged to my grandmother. Now it belongs to you. LANE: Thanks, mama. MRS KIM: That one you keep in drawer so it doesn't scare the children. All right, you two are now officially engaged. There is much for you to discuss, so I will leave you two alone. You have 15 minutes. ZACH: I can't believe it. We did it. LANE: I know. We're getting married. [They kiss.] Now tell me about this song. ZACH: Lane, you're not gonna believe it. Think early Kinks meets the Jam meets the Futureheads. Here, I'll play it. [singing] What's the big commotion? THE DINER - NIGHT TIME [Lorelai and Rory enter] LORELAI: Okay, but, see, I'm sorry. They did not even come up with a villain. No Freddy, no Jason. The villain is death? How lame is that? Who is seeing this movie? RORY: Apparently we are, many, many times. LORELAI: But how can they make money off of that? I mean, where's the Halloween mask? Where's the costume? How can they keep making the same stupid movie over and over and over? RORY: Ah, Caesar, thank god. We desperately need something to put in her mouth. LORELAI: Hi, two cheeseburgers and a copy of Sid Fields' book, please. We are missing the boat. Where's Luke? CAESAR: He just ran upstairs. He's got this new policy of not yelling at the vendors in front of customers. [Rory's cell phone rings, Lorelai and Rory look at each other.] RORY: So, what should we do after dinner? LORELAI: Do you want to rent "Final Destination" 1 and 2? RORY: So many things wrong with you. CAESAR: Here, freshly made. RORY: Excellent. LORELAI: Hey, what kind of donuts do you have left over? CAESAR: I think we have chocolate, one jelly, and a crumb. LORELAI: Mmm, jelly, please. CAESAR: Okay. LORELAI: Hey, fancy new bag you got there. CAESAR: Huh? Oh, that's Luke's. I Think he just got it today. [Hands Lorelai the donut] I'll go check on your burgers. LORELAI: So, I finally wore him down, huh? [Rory looks at Lorelai} What? RORY: Well, I don't know if you want to know this, but I saw that bag earlier at Anna's store. LORELAI: Huh, that bag? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: How do you know it was the same exact bag? There must be millions of places who sell it. RORY: I guess. I mean Anna did say that she likes to stock one-of-a-kind things. It's possible. LORELAI: Hmm. Excuse me. [cut to the apartment] LUKE: I ordered Swiss, Monty. Swiss has holes. It's a terrific way to identify it. Okay, Thursday's good, but tomorrow would be even better. Okay, let me put it to you like this. If it comes on Thursday, it's half price, right? I will see you tomorrow. LORELAI: Hey. Am I interrupting? LUKE: No, I was straightening something out. How was the movie? LORELAI: Ugh, do not get me started. Rory's downstairs. LUKE: Great. I'll be right down. LORELAI: Cool. That's cool. LUKE: You okay? LORELAI: Sure. Great. So, I see papa's got a brand-new bag. LUKE: Huh? LORELAI: I saw your snazzy, new luggage downstairs. LUKE: Oh, right. Anna sent that over. LORELAI: Oh, wow, Coinkidink, huh? LUKE: Well, we were talking about April's trip itinerary, and I guess I mentioned that my duffel bag's falling apart. And next thing I know, she sent the thing over. LORELAI: Oh, that's nice. LUKE: Sure, it's fine. LORELAI: You know, I was serious when I said I would go out and buy you new luggage. I'm nothing if not a gifted shopper. LUKE: Oh, I know that. But it's here, so... LORELAI: Yeah, it's here. LUKE: So this doesn't bother you, does it? LORELAI: What? LUKE: That Anna sent me the bag? Because I can send it back. LORELAI: Oh, no, no. It's cool. LUKE: You sure? LORELAI: Yeah, I'm fine. So, I should get back down. LUKE: Okay, I'll be by in a minute. LORELAI: Cool. [Cut back to the diner] RORY: Well? LORELAI: "Well" what? RORY: Is the bag from Anna? LORELAI: Yes, it is. RORY: It is? LORELAI: It is. He mentioned his duffel bag was shot, and she sent a bag over. He didn't ask for it. He explained the whole thing to me. We discussed it, and we're fine. RORY: You're fine. LORELAI: Yep, I'm fine. LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Rory enters] LOGAN: Where the hell you been? RORY: Oh, I went to Stars Hollow to visit my mom for a couple days. LOGAN: You went to Stars Hollow? RORY: Yep. LOGAN: Well, you could have told me, ace. Left a note, called, something. RORY: Yeah, I know, I should have. LOGAN: I mean, I wake up, and you're gone. RORY: I didn't mean to freak you out. LOGAN: I kept calling your cell. I must have called it a hundred times. RORY: Oh, yeah, well, my cell died, and my charger was here, of course. I have to buy an extra one. You keep telling me that. LOGAN: Finally, I checked in with the paper. They told me you've been e-mailing stuff. So at least I knew you were alive. RORY: I'm so sorry. It just became this whole thing. My grandparents stopped by unexpectedly, which took forever. And, anyhow, it's a long story. But I promise it'll never happen again. I have to take a shower. LOGAN: Rory. RORY: Yeah? LOGAN: You sure everything's okay? RORY: Yeah, it's fine.

Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who pays a visit to Lorelai? A: his indiscretions; Q: What does Rory forgive Logan for? A: Lorelai; Q: Who does Rory visit in Stars Hollow? A: Luke; Q: Who is going on a field trip with his daughter? A: a few days; Q: How long will Luke be gone? A: Lorelai's wishes; Q: What does Rory go against? A: the store; Q: Where does Rory go to spy on April's mother? A: the courage; Q: What does Zack work up? A: Mrs. Kim; Q: Who does Zack ask for permission to marry Lane? Summary: Rory forgives Logan for his indiscretions, then needs some time for herself, so she pays a visit to Lorelai in Stars Hollow. Although Lorelai refuses to admit that she is upset, Rory can tell that she is bothered by the news that Luke will be gone for a few days on a field trip with his daughter, April. Against Lorelai's wishes, Rory pays a visit to the store owned by April's mother to spy on her. Meanwhile, when Zack finally works up the courage to ask Mrs. Kim for permission to marry Lane, he is surprised at the deal she makes with him.

EXT. OPEN FIELD, DAY It is a beautiful day with the sun shining from a clear, blue sky. There is birdsong as a young man spins slowly in the middle of the field. His eyes have a glassy, drugged appearance an there is an imprint of a kiss in red lipstick is just above his lips on the right side. He is approached by three men, two are armed and the third is an older man in an evening jacket. YOUNG MAN: It's a beautiful day. The older man uses his handkerchief to wipe at the lipstick. INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR We see that the men are actually on a ship OLDER MAN: Hallucinogenic lipstick. She's here. (turns and walks away) INT. SHIP, ANOTHER CORRIDOR A woman strides along the corridor in red high heels, her black dress swirling at her ankles. She stops in front of a door, pulls a gun from her small bag and fires out the lock. The door slides open to reveal a black cube with a hole through its center. She tilts the cube so the top is facing towards her, changes the setting on the gun so it becomes a blowtorch and begins to write on the cube. ---1 2 , 0 0 0 Y E A R S L A T E R--- INT MUSEUM The museum looks like it is based on the plans of a medieval church. The DOCTOR strides through, pointing at the displays and giving his opinion. AMY follows. DOCTOR: Wrong! Wrong! Bit right, mostly wrong. I love museums. AMY: Yeah, great. Can we go to a planet now? Big space ship, Churchill's bunker...? You promised me a planet next. DOCTOR: Amy, this isn't any old asteroid. It's the Delerium Archive, final resting place of the headless monks, the biggest museum ever. AMY: You've got a time machine, what do you need museums for? DOCTOR: Wrong! Very wrong! Oooh, one of mine. Also one of mine. (peers into display case) AMY: Oh, I see. It's how you keep score. Something in the next display case catches the DOCTOR'S eye. It's an antique version of the box we saw with the woman. Intrigued, the DOCTOR looks at the top which bears strange symbols. AMY: Oh great, an old box. INT. SHIP, ROOM The woman is still using the gun on the box, the sparks reflecting off her dark glasses. INT MUSEUM DOCTOR: It's from one of the old starliners. A Home Box. AMY: What's a Home Box? DOCTOR: Like a black box on a plane, except it homes. Anything happens to the ship, the Home Box flies home, with all the flight data. AMY: So? DOCTOR: The writing, the graffiti - Old High Gallifreyan. The lost language of the Time Lords. INT. SHIP, ROOM The woman continues to write on the box. Done, the writing looks sharp and pristine. INT MUSEUM DOCTOR: There were days, there were many days, these words could burn stars and raise up empires, and topple Gods. AMY: What does it say? DOCTOR: Hello, sweetie. INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR A door slides open to reveal the woman is RIVER SONG. She looks straight into a security camera and winks before walking away. INT MUSEUM Alarm bells ring as the DOCTOR runs through the museum, the home box tucked under his arm. AMY is racing beside him. They rush into the TARDIS as two guards chase after them. INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR Two armed guards turn a corner and stop, rifles raised, as the same man from before approaches more sedately. He stands between the two guards. MAN: Party's over, Doctor Song. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR hooks the home box up to the console. AMY: Why are we doing this? DOCTOR: Cos someone on a space ship 12,000 years ago is trying to attract my attention. Let's see if we can get the security playback working. Grainy black and white footage of RIVER winking at the camera appears on the monitor. It then switches to RIVER with her back to the camera facing a door. MAN: (over monitor) The party's over, Doctor Song... INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR MAN: ...yet still you're on board. RIVER turns to face him. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (over monitor) Sorry, Alistair. INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR RIVER: I needed to see what was in your vault. Do you all know what's down there? Any of you? Because I'll tell you something. This ship won't reach its destination. ALLISTAIR: Wait till she runs. Don't make it look like an execution. RIVER: (looks at her watch) Triple-seven, five... INT. TARDIS RIVER: (over monitor) ...slash, three, four, nine by ten. The DOCTOR and AMY exchange a look. INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR RIVER: Zero, twelve, slash, acorn. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (over monitor) Oh, and I could do with an air corridor. The DOCTOR begins to type on the keyboard. AMY: What was that, what did she say? DOCTOR: Co-ordinates! INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR RIVER: Like I said on the dance floor, you might want to find something to hang on to! As a timer begins to beep frantically, ALLISTAIR realizes what's about to happen and grabs hold of one of the pipes on the wall. The two guards do the same. RIVER blows a kiss just before the door behind her blows open and she is carried into space-and directly to the TARDIS as it materializes. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR lets out a "whoop" before running to open the TARDIS doors. He reaches out and pulls RIVER in and they both land on the floor. AMY: Doctor? DOCTOR: River? They stand and watch the ship fly away. RIVER: Follow that ship. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "The Time of Angels" by Steven Moffatt Producer Tracie Simpson Director Adam Smith [SCENE_BREAK] SPACE The TARDIS follows the spaceship. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR and RIVER are both working the controls while AMY stands back and watches. RIVER is barefoot. RIVER: They've gone into warp drive, we're losing them! Stay close! DOCTOR: I'm trying! RIVER: Use the stabilisers. DOCTOR: There aren't any stabilisers! RIVER: The blue switches! DOCTOR: The blue ones don't do anything, they're just...blue. RIVER: Yes, they're blue. They're the blue stabilisers! (uses the stabilizers and the ship becomes quiet) See? DOCTOR: Yeah, well, it's just boring now, isn't it? They're boring-ers. They're blue boring-ers. AMY: Doctor, how come she can fly the TARDIS? DOCTOR: You call that flying the TARDIS? Ha! (sits on jump seat to sulk) RIVER: OK. I've mapped the probability vectors, done a fold-back on the temporal isometry, charted the ship to its destination, and parked us right along side. DOCTOR: Parked us? We haven't landed. RIVER: Of course we've landed. I just landed her. DOCTOR: But it didn't make the noise. RIVER: What noise? DOCTOR: You know, the...(makes the TARDIS wheezing sound) RIVER: It's not supposed to make that noise. You leave the brakes on. DOCTOR: Yeah, well, it's a brilliant noise. I love that noise. Come along, Pond, let's have a look. RIVER: No, wait! Environment checks. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, sorry! Quite right. Environment checks. (sticks his head out the door) Nice out. RIVER: We're somewhere in the Garn Belt. There's an atmosphere. Early indications suggest... DOCTOR: We're on Alfava Metraxis, the seventh planet of the Dundra System. Oxygen-rich atmosphere, toxins in the soft band, 11-hour day, and... (puts his head out the door again) chances of rain later. RIVER: (to AMY) He thinks he's so hot when he does that. The DOCTOR joins them at the console. AMY: How come you can fly the TARDIS? RIVER: Oh, I had lessons from the very best. DOCTOR: (smug) Well, yeah. RIVER: It's a shame you were busy that day. (picks up shoes) Right then, why did they land here? (heads for door) DOCTOR: They didn't land. RIVER: Sorry? DOCTOR: You should've checked the Home Box - it crashed. (follows) RIVER steps outside and the DOCTOR closes the door behind her before heading back to the console. AMY: Explain! Who is that and how did she do that museum thing? DOCTOR: (works the controls) It's a long story and I don't know most of it. Off we go! AMY: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Leaving. She's got where she wants to go, let's go where we want to go. AMY: Are you basically running away? DOCTOR: Yep. AMY: Why? DOCTOR: Cos she's the future, my future. AMY: Can you run away from that? DOCTOR: I can run away from anything I like. Time is not the boss of me. AMY: Hang on, is that a planet out there? DOCTOR: Yes, of course it's a planet. AMY: You promised me a planet. Five minutes? DOCTOR: (gives in) OK, five minutes! AMY: Yes! (heads for the door) DOCTOR: But that's all, cos I'm telling you now, that woman is not dragging me into anything! (follows AMY to the door) EXT. BEACH, DAY The ship they were following has crashed on top of a very large and very old stone structure. It is burning in areas and bits of debris have fallen to the ground around the TARDIS. The DOCTOR, AMY and RIVER stand there, looking up at it. RIVER: What caused it to crash? Not me. DOCTOR: Nah, the airlock would've sealed seconds after you blew it. According to the Home Box, the warp engines had a phase-shift. No survivors. RIVER: A phase-shift would have to be sabotage. I did warn them. DOCTOR: About what? RIVER: Well, at least the building was empty. Aplan temple. Unoccupied for centuries. (begins to key something into a handheld device) The DOCTOR walks back to AMY. AMY: Aren't you going to introduce us? DOCTOR: Amy Pond, Professor River Song. RIVER: (faces them) Ahhh, I'm going to be a Professor some day, am I? (the DOCTOR winces at this slip) How exciting! (chuckles) Spoilers! (turns her attention back to what she was doing) AMY: (whispers) Yeah, but who is she and how did she do that? She just left you a note in a museum! The DOCTOR walks off. RIVER: Two things always guaranteed to show up in a museum: The Home Box of category four starliner and, sooner or later, him. It's how he keeps score. AMY: I know. (laughs) RIVER: It's hilarious, isn't it? DOCTOR: (comes up behind them with sarcastic laugh) I'm nobody's taxi service! (to RIVER) I'm not gonna be there to catch you every time you feel like jumping out of a space ship. RIVER: And you are so wrong. There's one survivor. There's a thing in the belly of that ship that can't ever die. Now he's listening! (into device) You lot in orbit yet? Yeah, I saw it land. I'm at the crash site. Try and home in on my signal. (holds up device) Doctor, can you sonic me? I need to boost the signal so we can use it as a beacon. The DOCTOR takes out the sonic screwdriver and uses it on RIVER'S communication device. She drops a small curtsey. AMY: Ooh, Doctor! You soniced her(!) RIVER: (calls) We have a minute. Shall we? (opens her diary) Where were we up to? Have we done the Bone Meadows? AMY: What's the book? DOCTOR: Stay away from it. AMY: What is it though? DOCTOR: Her diary. RIVER: Our diary. DOCTOR: Her past, my...future. Time travel. We keep meeting in the wrong order. Four columns of swirling "dust" appear then turn into four soldiers in desert camouflage uniforms. One of the soldiers approaches RIVER. SOLDIER: You promised me an army, Doctor Song. RIVER: No. I promised you the equivalent of an army. This is the Doctor. (DOCTOR gives lighthearted salute) OCTAVIAN: (shakes DOCTOR'S hand) Father Octavian, sir. Bishop, second class. 20 clerics at my command. The troops are already in the drop ship and landing shortly. Doctor Song was helping us with a covert investigation. Has Doctor Song explained what we're dealing with? RIVER: Doctor, what do you know of the Weeping Angels? The DOCTOR faces her quickly, immediately tense. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT A transport ship has arrived and the soldiers have already set up camp. OCTAVIAN strides across the ground followed by the DOCTOR and AMY OCTAVIAN: The Angel, as far as we know, is still trapped in the ship. Our mission is to get inside and neutralise it. We can't get through up top, we'd be too close to the drives. According to this, (Shows handheld device) behind the cliff face, there's a network of catacombs leading right up to the temple. We can blow through the base of the cliffs, get into the entrance chamber, then make our way up. DOCTOR: Oh, good. OCTAVIAN: Good, sir? DOCTOR: Catacombs, probably dark ones. Dark catacombs, great(!) OCTAVIAN: Technically, I think it's called a maze of the dead. DOCTOR: You can stop any time you like. SOLDIER: Father Octavian? OCTAVIAN: Excuse me, sir. The DOCTOR waves off OCTAVIAN as he leaves. He then uses the screwdriver on some of the equipment set up on the table. AMY: You're letting people call you "sir". You never do that. (sits on table) So, whatever a Weeping Angel is, it's really bad, yeah? DOCTOR: Now that's interesting... (to AMY) You're still here. Which part of "Wait in the TARDIS till I tell you it's safe" was so confusing? AMY: Ooh, are you all Mr Grumpy Face today? DOCTOR: A Weeping Angel, Amy, is the deadliest, most powerful, most malevolent life form evolution has ever produced, and one is trapped inside that wreckage and I'm supposed to climb in with a screwdriver and a torch--and assuming I survive the radiation, and the whole ship doesn't blow up in my face--do something clever which I haven't actually thought of yet. That's my day, that's what I'm up to. Any questions? AMY: Is River Song your wife? Cos she's someone from your future, and the way she talks to you, I've never seen anyone do that. She's kinda like, you know, "Heel, boy!" She's Mrs Doctor from the future, isn't she? Is she gonna be your wife one day? DOCTOR: Yes. You're right. I am definitely Mr Grumpy Face today. RIVER: (calls from transport) Doctor? Doctor! AMY: Oops! Her indoors! RIVER: Father Octavian! The three of them walk to the transport. AMY: Why do they call them Father? DOCTOR: He's their Bishop, they're his clerics. It's the 51st Century, the Church has moved on. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP On a screen we see black and white footage of a Weeping Angel, its body at an angle to us, hands over its eyes. RIVER is controlling the video with a remote. RIVER: What do you think? It's from the security cameras in the Byzantium vault. I ripped it when I was on board. Sorry about the quality. It's four seconds. I've put it on loop. DOCTOR: Yeah, it's an Angel. Hands covering its face. OCTAVIAN: You've encountered the Angels before? DOCTOR: Once, on Earth, a long time ago. But those were scavengers, barely surviving. AMY: It's just a statue. RIVER: It's a statue when you see it. DOCTOR: Where did it come from? RIVER: Oh, pulled from the ruins of Razbahan, end of last century. It's been in private hands ever since, dormant all that time. DOCTOR: There's a difference between dormant and patient. AMY: What's that mean, it's a statue when you see it? RIVER: The Weeping Angels can only move if they're unseen. So legend has it. DOCTOR: No, it's not legend, it's a quantum lock. In the sight of any living creature, the Angels literally cease to exist. They're just stone. The ultimate defence mechanism. AMY: What, being a stone? DOCTOR: Being a stone...until you turn your back. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT The DOCTOR leads the others out of the transport. DOCTOR: The hyperdrive would've split on impact. The whole ship will be flooded with radiation, cracked electrons, gravity storms, deadly to almost any living thing. OCTAVIAN: Deadly to an Angel? DOCTOR: Dinner to an Angel. The longer we leave it, the stronger it will grow. Who built that temple? Are they still around? RIVER: (reading handheld) The Aplans. The indigenous life-form. They died out 400 years ago. OCTAVIAN: 200 years later, the planet was terraformed. Currently there are six billion human colonists. DOCTOR: You lot, you're everywhere! Like rabbits! I'll never get done saving you. OCTAVIAN: Sir, if there is a clear and present danger to the local population... DOCTOR: Oh, there is. Bad as it gets. Bishop, lock and load! OCTAVIAN: Verger, how we doing with those explosives? Dr Song, with me. RIVER: Two minutes. Sweetie, I need you. The DOCTOR mouths "Sweetie" then realizes RIVER means him and goes to her. AMY stands in the transport entry. AMY: Anybody need me? Nobody? (crosses her arms) INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY slowly moves forward, entranced by the Angel on the screen. Since the last time they looked, it has now moved its hands away from its face. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT RIVER shows the DOCTOR a book. RIVER: I found this. Definitive work on the Angels. Well, the only one. Written by a madman, it's barely readable, but I've marked a few passages. DOCTOR: (finishes the book) Not bad, bit slow in the middle, didn't you hate his girlfriend? No, hang on, wait, wait! (sniffs book) AMY: (pops her head out of the transport) Dr. Song? Did you have more than one clip of the Angel? RIVER: No, just the four seconds. Puzzled, AMY goes back inside. DOCTOR: This book is wrong! What's wrong with this book, it's wrong. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY looks at the video again and now the Angel is facing forward, hands down at its side. AMY bends over and peers closely at the time code. It loops from 11:24 to 11:28 yet the position of the Angel changes. Engrossed, AMY doesn't notice the door close and lock behind her. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT RIVER observes the DOCTOR as he examines the book. RIVER: Oh, it's so strange when you go all baby-face. How early is this for you? (holds journal) DOCTOR: Very early. RIVER: So you don't know who I am yet? DOCTOR: How do you know who I am? I don't always look the same. RIVER: I've got pictures of all your faces. You never show up in the right order though. I need the spotter's guide. DOCTOR: Pictures? Why aren't there pictures? INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY picks up the remote for the video and tried to turn it off but it keeps coming back on. She sets the remote down and peers at the screen. AMY: You're just a recording. You can't move. She looks away to unplug the power source, and when she looks back, the Angel's face is close to the camera. She backs away to the door. AMY: Doctor! She tries to open the door but it won't budge. She looks back at the screen to see the Angel with its mouth open in full predatory mode. AMY: Doctor! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: This whole book - it's a warning, about the Weeping Angels. So why no pictures? Why not show us what to look out for? RIVER: There was a bit about images. DOCTOR: Yes! Hang on... (flips through book) 'That which holds the image of an angel becomes itself an angel.' INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY spares another look at the screen as she tries to open the door. AMY: Doctor! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT RIVER: What does that mean? "An image of a Angel becomes itself an Angel." INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY looks to see an image of the Angel becoming solid in the center of the transport. AMY: Doctor! It's in the room! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: Amy! (runs to the transport) INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: (punches keypad) Doctor! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: (runs up to the door) Are you all right? What's happening? INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: Doctor! Doctor, it's coming out of the television. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT AMY: (V.O.) The Angel is here. DOCTOR: Don't take your eyes off it! (takes out sonic screwdriver and uses it on keypad) It can't move if you're looking. What's wrong? It's deadlocked. RIVER: (trying to override controls) There is no deadlock. DOCTOR: Don't blink, Amy! Don't even blink! INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: Doctor! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT RIVER: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Cutting the power. It's using the screen, I'm turning the screen off. It's no good, it's deadlocked the whole system. RIVER: There's no deadlock. DOCTOR: There is now! AMY: (V.O.) Help me! DOCTOR: Amy! Can you turn it off? INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: Doctor! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: The screen, can you turn it off? INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: I tried. DOCTOR: (V.O.) Try again but EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: don't take your eyes off the Angel. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: I'm not! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT The DOCTOR and RIVER are still trying to override the controls. DOCTOR: Each time it moves, it'll move faster. Don't even blink. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: I'm not blinking! Have you ever tried not blinking? (winks) AMY fumbles for the remote without taking her eyes off the Angel. She grabs it and backs away to the door and tries to switch it off again. It turns itself back on. AMY: It just keeps switching back on! EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: Yeah, it's the Angel. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: But it's just a recording. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: No, anything that takes the image of an Angel is an Angel. (to RIVER) What are you doing? RIVER: (using small blowtorch) I'm trying to cut through. It's not even warm. DOCTOR: There is no way in, it's not physically possible. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: Doctor! What's it gonna do to me? EXT. BEACH, NIGHT DOCTOR: Just keep looking at it. Don't stop looking! INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: Just tell me. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT AMY: (V.O.) Just tell me. Tell me! The DOCTOR runs for the book and brings it back to just outside the transport door where he sits. DOCTOR: Amy, not the eyes. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP DOCTOR: (V.O.) Look anywhere but don't look at the eyes. AMY: (looking in its eyes) Why? RIVER: What is it? DOCTOR: "The eyes are not the windows of the soul, they are the doors. Beware what may enter there." INT. TRANSPORT SHIP AMY: Doctor, what did you say? DOCTOR: (V.O.) Don't look at the eyes! AMY: No, about images, what did you say about images? EXT. BEACH, NIGHT RIVER: Whatever holds the image INT. TRANSPORT SHIP RIVER: (V.O.) of an angel, is an angel. AMY: OK... Hold this. (holds out the remote) One, two, three, four... (hits the pause button while there's static) The image of the Angel freezes before turning off, the door opens and the DOCTOR and RIVER come in. The DOCTOR unplugs the screen. AMY: I froze it! There was a sort of blip on the tape and I froze it on the blip. It wasn't the image of an angel any more. That was good, yeah? It was, wasn't it? That was pretty good. RIVER: That was amazing! DOCTOR: River, hug Amy. RIVER: Why? DOCTOR: Cos I'm busy. AMY: I'm fine. RIVER: You're brilliant! AMY: Thanks. Yeah. I kind of creamed it, didn't I? RIVER: So it was here? That was the Angel? DOCTOR: That was a projection of the Angel. It's reaching out, getting a good look at us. It's no longer dormant. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BEACH, NIGHT The soldiers have set off an explosion. INT. TRANSPORT SHIP The DOCTOR, AMY and RIVER react to the explosion and the DOCTOR runs to the door. EXT. BEACH, NIGHT SOLDIER: (to OCTAVIAN) It's gone positive! OCTAVIAN: Doctor! We're through! INT. TRANSPORT SHIP DOCTOR: (looks at AMY and RIVER) OK. Now it starts. (goes outside) AMY rubs her left eye. RIVER: (heads for door) Coming? AMY: Yeah, coming. There's just...something in my eye. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, MAIN CHAMBER The DOCTOR climbs down a rope ladder and joins OCTAVIAN at the bottom. They both turn on their torches and look around. AMY and RIVER join them and the other soldiers. DOCTOR: Do we have a gravity globe? OCTAVIAN: Grav globe. One of the soldiers takes out a sphere from his pack and hands it to OCTAVIAN. AMY: Where are we? What is this? RIVER: It's an Aplan mortarium. Sometimes called a maze of the dead. AMY: And what's that? DOCTOR: Well, if you happen to be a creature of living stone...(kicks the gravity sphere like a football and it rises into the air, stops and then lights up the cave showing a large number of stone statues) the perfect hiding place. OCTAVIAN: I guess this makes it a bit trickier. DOCTOR: A bit, yeah. OCTAVIAN: A stone angel on the loose amongst stone statues. A lot harder than I'd prayed for. RIVER: A needle in a haystack. DOCTOR: A needle that looks like hay. A hay-like needle. Of death. A hay-alike needle of death in a haystack of, er, statues. No, yours was fine. OCTAVIAN: Right. Check every single statue in this chamber. You know what you're looking for. Complete visual inspection. One question - how do we fight it? DOCTOR: We find it, and hope. (goes off and AMY follows) RIVER goes to follow the DOCTOR but OCTAVIAN grabs her by the arm. OCTAVIAN: He doesn't know yet, does he? Who and what you are. RIVER: It's too early in his time stream. OCTAVIAN: Well, make sure he doesn't work it out, or he's not gonna help us. RIVER: I won't let you down. Believe you me, I have no intention of going back to prison. SOLDIER: Sir? Side chamber. One visible exit. OCTAVIAN: Check it out. Angelo, go with him. The two soldiers go to check out the chamber. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, UPWARD PASSAGE The DOCTOR shines his torch in every direction. AMY follows. She stops and looks at the many levels above them and all the statues lining the way. She rubs the corner of her eye with one finger and finds a little grit. She then uses her full hand and sand and grit comes out through her fingers. Scared, she stops and looks at her hand but sees nothing. RIVER comes up beside her. RIVER: You all right? AMY: Yeah, I'm fine. So, what's a maze of the dead? RIVER: Oh, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's just a labyrinth with dead people buried in the walls. OK, that was fairly bad. Right give me your arm. (shows syringe) This won't hurt a bit. (gives AMY a shot) AMY: Ow! RIVER: There, you see. I lied. It's a viro-stabiliser. Stabilises your metabolism against radiation, drive burn, anything. You're going to need it when we get up to that ship. AMY: So what's he like? In the future, I mean. Cos you know him in the future, don't you? RIVER: The Doctor? Well, the Doctor's the Doctor. AMY: Oh, well that's very helpful. Mind if I write that down? RIVER: Yes, we are. DOCTOR: (taking readings with RIVER'S device) Sorry, what? RIVER: Talking about you. DOCTOR: I wasn't listening, I'm busy. RIVER: Ah. The other way up. The DOCTOR turns the device the other way round and looks over at RIVER who merely raises her eyebrows. DOCTOR: Yeah. AMY: You're so his wife. RIVER: Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy! This is the Doctor we're talking about. Do you really think it could be anything that simple? AMY: Yep. RIVER: You're good. I'm not saying you're right... but you are very good. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, SIDE CHAMBER ANGELO and the other CLERIC are searching the dark chamber. CLERIC: Can you believe this? We're hunting statues. ANGELO: Better than chasing lava snakes. CLERIC: Actually, lava snakes weren't that bad. The CLERIC moves ahead through the cave out of ANGELO'S sight. He moves ahead slowly then the torch on his rifle begins to flicker. He hears the sound of stone against stone. CLERIC: Who's there? Is someone there? Angelo? (turns his head) Angelo! (he looks back to be confronted by an Angel. His light goes out) ANGELO is further back in the chamber. ANGELO: Christian, is that you? CHRISTIAN: (over radio) Angelo, come and see this. ANGELO: What is it? CHRISTIAN: (over radio) Just come and see it. ANGELO: It's not a school trip. Just tell me. CHRISTIAN: (over radio) No, really, come and see. ANGELO follows CHRISTIAN and is attacked by an Angel. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, UPWARD PASSAGE The DOCTOR, AMY and RIVER are examining the statues when they hear gunfire. They run back down to the main chamber. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, MAIN CHAMBER A young cleric had fired his weapon at one of the statues. The DOCTOR stops to look at it. YOUNG CLERIC: Sorry. Sorry, I thought... I thought it looked at me. OCTAVIAN: We know what the Angel looks like. Is that the Angel? YOUNG CLERIC: No, sir. OCTAVIAN: No, sir, it is not! According to the Doctor, we are facing an enemy of unknowable power and infinite evil. So it would be good, it would be very good, if we could all remain calm in the presence of decor. DOCTOR: What's your name? BOB: Bob, sir. DOCTOR: Ah, that's a great name. I love Bob. OCTAVIAN: It's a Sacred Name. We all have Sacred Names, they're given to us in the service of the Church. DOCTOR: (joins BOB and OCTAVIAN) Sacred Bob. More like Scared Bob now, eh? BOB: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: Ah, good. Scared keeps you fast. Anyone in this room who isn't scared is a moron. Carry on. OCTAVIAN: We'll be moving into the maze in two minutes. (to BOB) You stay with Christian and Angelo. Guard the approach. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, UPWARD PASSAGE AMY: Isn't there a chance this lot's just gonna collapse? There's a whole ship up there. RIVER: Incredible builders, the Aplans. DOCTOR: Had dinner with their chief architect once. Two heads are better than one. AMY: You mean you helped him? DOCTOR: No, I mean he had two heads. That book, the very end, what did it say? RIVER: Hang on. (gets book out of pack) DOCTOR: Read it to me. RIVER: "What if we had ideas that could think for themselves? What if one day our dreams no longer needed us? When these things occur and are held to be true, the time will be upon us. The time of Angels." INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, SIDE CHAMBER BOB: (over radio) Hey, Angelo. Christian? Where are you? As BOB speaks, we see the bodies of ANGELO and CHRISTIAN and then the shadow of an Angel. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, UPWARD PASSAGE AMY: Are we there yet? It's a hell of a climb. RIVER: The maze is on six levels representing the ascent of the soul. Only two levels to go. DOCTOR: Lovely species, the Aplans. We should visit them some time. AMY: I thought they were all dead? DOCTOR: So's Virginia Woolf. I'm on her bowling team. Very relaxed, sort of cheerful. That's having two heads. You're never short of a snog with an extra head. RIVER: Doctor, there's something. I don't know what it is... DOCTOR: Yeah, something wrong. Don't know what it is yet either, working on it. Then they started having laws against self-marrying and what was that about? But that's the church for you. Erm, no offence, Bishop. OCTAVIAN: Quite a lot taken, if that's all right, Doctor. They are now in a narrow passage lined with statues. OCTAVIAN: Lowest point in the wreckage is only about 50 feet up from here. That way. AMY: Church had a point, if you think about it. The divorces must have been messy. DOCTOR: (stops and looks closely at a statue) Oh! AMY: What's wrong? RIVER: (in realization) Oh. (stares at the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: Exactly. RIVER: How could we not notice that? DOCTOR: Low level perception filter, or maybe we're thick. OCTAVIAN: What's wrong, sir? DOCTOR: Nobody move. Everyone stay exactly where they are. Bishop, I am truly sorry. I've made a mistake and we are all in danger. OCTAVIAN: What danger? RIVER: The Aplans. OCTAVIAN: The Aplans? RIVER: They've got two heads. OCTAVIAN: Yes, I get that. So? DOCTOR: So why don't the statues? Everyone, over there. Just move, don't ask questions, don't speak. (everyone moves to a spot where there are no statues) OK. I want you all to switch off your torches. OCTAVIAN: Sir? DOCTOR: Just do it. (they turn off their torches) OK. I'm going to turn off this one too, just for a moment. RIVER: Are you sure about this? DOCTOR: No. The Doctor switches off his torch for a split second and the statues in front of them are now facing them. The DOCTOR runs ahead. AMY: Oh, my God! They've moved. The others follow after the DOCTOR as he looks at all the statues lining their way to the ship. DOCTOR: They're Angels. All of them! RIVER: But they can't be. DOCTOR: Clerics, keep watching them. (backtracks and sees the Angels have moved forward) Every statue in this maze, every single one, is a Weeping Angel. They're coming after us. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, SIDE CHAMBER BOB is in the chamber looking for ANGELO and CHRISTIAN. ANGELO: (over radio) Bob, come and see this. BOB: Angelo? ANGELO: (over radio) Come and see what we've found. BOB: Are you with Christian? The Bishop said you'd be five minutes. ANGELO: (over radio) I'm here, Bob. Come and see this. BOB: Where are you? ANGELO: (over radio) Through the arch, Bob. Honestly, you've got to come and see this. BOB: What have you found? ANGELO: (over radio) Come and see. BOB: No. What is it? ANGELO: (over radio) Come and see. BOB walks forward through the archway. He is attacked by the Angel INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, UPWARD PASSAGE RIVER: There was only one Angel on the ship. Just the one, I swear. AMY: Could they have been here already? DOCTOR: The Aplans, how did they die out? RIVER: Nobody knows. DOCTOR: We know. OCTAVIAN: They don't look like Angels. AMY: And they're not fast. You said they were fast. They should have had us by now. DOCTOR: They're dying. Losing their form. They must have been down here for centuries, starving. AMY: Losing their image. DOCTOR: And their image is their power. Power. Power! AMY: Doctor? DOCTOR: Don't you see? All that radiation spilling out, the drive burn. The crash wasn't an accident - it was a rescue mission, for the Angels. We're in the middle of an army and it's waking up. RIVER: We need to get out of here fast. OCTAVIAN: (into radio) Bob, Angelo, Christian, come in, please. Any of you, come in! BOB: (over radio) It's Bob, sir. Sorry, sir. OCTAVIAN: (into radio) Bob, are Angelo and Christian with you? All the statues are active. I repeat, all the statues are active! BOB: (over radio) I know, sir. Angelo and Christian are dead, sir. The statues killed them, sir. DOCTOR: (into radio) (takes the radio from OCTAVIAN) Bob, Sacred Bob, it's me, the Doctor. Where are you now? OCTAVIAN: I'm talking to my... DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up! BOB: (over radio) I'm on my way up to you, sir, I'm homing on your signal. DOCTOR: (into radio) Well done, Bob. Scared keeps you fast, told you, didn't I? Your friends, Bob, what did the Angel do to them? BOB: (over radio) Snapped their necks, sir. DOCTOR: That's odd. That's not how the Angels kill you, they displace you in time. Unless they needed the bodies for something. OCTAVIAN: (takes radio from DOCTOR) Bob, did you check their data packs for vital signs? We may be able to initiate a rescue plan. DOCTOR: (takes radio)(to OCTAVIAN) Don't be an idiot! The Angels don't leave you alive! (to BOB) Bob, keep running, but tell me, how did you escape? BOB: (over radio) I didn't escape, sir. The Angel killed me, too. They look at each other wondering what BOB means DOCTOR: (into radio) What do you mean the Angel killed you too? BOB: (over radio) Snapped my neck, sir. Wasn't as painless as I expected but it was pretty quick, so that was something. DOCTOR: (into radio) If you're dead, how can I be talking to you? BOB: (over radio) You're not talking to me, sir. The Angel has no voice. It stripped my cerebral cortex from my body and re-animated a version of my consciousness to communicate with you. Sorry about the confusion. DOCTOR: (into radio) So when you say you're on your way up to us... BOB: (over radio) It's the Angel that's coming, sir, yes. DOCTOR: No way out. OCTAVIAN: Then we get out through the wreckage. Go! DOCTOR: Go, go, go. All of you run! AMY: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm coming, just go, go, go! AMY and RIVER leave with the clerics. Only the DOCTOR and OCTAVIAN remain. DOCTOR: Called you an idiot. Sorry, but there's no way we could have rescued your men. OCTAVIAN: I know that, sir. And when you've flown away in your little blue box, I'll explain that to their families. (walks off) DOCTOR: (into radio) Angel Bob, which Angel am I talking to? The one from the ship? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) Yes, sir. The other Angels are still restoring. DOCTOR: (into radio) Ah, so the Angel is not in the wreckage. Thank you. (runs along the passage and sees AMY) Don't wait for me, go, run. AMY: I can't! (the DOCTOR comes back to help her) No, really I can't. DOCTOR: Why not? AMY: Look at it. Look at my hand. It's stone! (her hand grips the rail and looks like stone) INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, AT THE BYSANTIUM Further along the passage, RIVER, OCTAVIAN and the clerics arrive at an open chamber and can see the ship above them. OCTAVIAN: Well. There it is - the Byzantium. RIVER: Well, it's got to be 30 feet. How do we get up there? OCTAVIAN: Check all these exits. I want them all secure. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, UPWARD PASSAGE The DOCTOR is examining AMY, flashing a torch in her eyes. DOCTOR: You looked into the eyes of an Angel, didn't you? AMY: I couldn't stop myself. I tried. DOCTOR: Listen. It's messing with your head. Your hand is not made of stone. AMY: It is. Look at it! DOCTOR: It's in your mind. I promise you. You can move that hand. You can let go. AMY: I can't, OK? I've tried and I can't. It's stone. The torchlight begins to flicker. DOCTOR: The Angel is gonna come and it's gonna turn this light off, and then there's nothing I can do to stop it. So do it, concentrate, move your hand! AMY: I can't. DOCTOR: Then we're both going to die. AMY: You're not going to die. DOCTOR: They'll kill the lights. The light flickers off and the Angels move closer. AMY: You've got to go, you know you have. You've got all that stuff with River and that's all got to happen. You know you can't die here! DOCTOR: Time can be re-written, it doesn't work like that. The light flickers again. AMY turns to look at the Angels. DOCTOR: Keep your eyes on it. Don't blink. AMY: Run! DOCTOR: You see, I'm not going, I'm not leaving you here. AMY: I don't need you to die for me, Doctor, do I look that clingy? DOCTOR: You can move your hand. AMY: It's stone. DOCTOR: It's not stone! AMY: Those people up there will die without you. If you stay here with me, you'll have as good as killed them. DOCTOR: Amy Pond, you are magnificent. And I'm sorry. AMY: It's OK. I understand. You've got to leave me. DOCTOR: Oh, no, I'm not leaving you, never. I'm sorry about this. (bites her hand and she screams, moving it) See, not stone. Now run! AMY: You bit me! DOCTOR: Yep and you're alive. AMY: I've got a mark! Look at my hand! DOCTOR: (pulls her behind him) Yeah, and you're alive, did I mention? AMY: Blimey, your teeth! Have you got space teeth? DOCTOR: Alive. All I'm saying. They run. INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, AT THE BYSANTIUM One of the clerics sent to check the passages returns. CLERIC: The statues are advancing along all corridors. And, sir, my torch keeps flickering. OCTAVIAN: They all do. RIVER: So does the gravity globe. OCTAVIAN: Clerics, we're down to four men. Expect incoming. DOCTOR: Yeah, it's the Angels. They're coming. And they're draining the power for themselves. OCTAVIAN: Which means we won't be able to see them. DOCTOR: Which means we can't stay here. OCTAVIAN: There are more incoming! RIVER: Any suggestions? OCTAVIAN: The statues are advancing on all sides and we don't have the climbing equipment to reach the Byzantium. RIVER: There's no way up, no way back, no way out. No pressure, but this is usually when you have a really good idea. DOCTOR: There's always a way out. (echoes) The lights flicker off again and when they come back on, the Angels are closer, basically blocking the passage. DOCTOR: There's always a way out. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) Doctor? Can I speak to the Doctor, please? DOCTOR: (into radio) Hello, Angels. What's your problem? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) Your power will not last much longer, and the Angels will be with you shortly. Sorry, sir. DOCTOR: (into radio) Why are you telling me this? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) There's something the Angels are very keen you should know before the end. DOCTOR: (into radio) Which is? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) I died in fear. DOCTOR: (into radio) I'm sorry? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) You told me my fear would keep me alive but I died afraid, in pain and alone. You made me trust you, and when it mattered, you let me down. AMY: (whispers to RIVER) What are they doing? RIVER: (whispers to AMY) They're trying to make him angry. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) I'm sorry, sir. The Angels were very keen for you to know that. DOCTOR: (into radio) Well then, the Angels have made their second mistake because I'm not going to let that pass. I'm sorry you're dead, Bob, but I swear to whatever is left of you, they will be sorrier. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) But you're trapped, sir, and about to die. DOCTOR: (into radio) Yeah, I'm trapped. Speaking of traps, this trap has got a great big mistake in it. A great big, whopping mistake! ANGEL BOB: (over radio) What mistake, sir? DOCTOR: (to AMY) Trust me? AMY: Yeah. DOCTOR: (to RIVER) Trust me? RIVER: Always. DOCTOR: (to OCTAVIAN) You lot - trust me? CLERIC: (watching passage) Sir, two more incoming! OCTAVIAN: We have faith, sir. DOCTOR: Then give me your gun. (OCTAVIAN gives him the gun) I'm about to do something incredibly stupid and dangerous. When I do... (he jumps in place) jump. OCTAVIAN: Jump where? DOCTOR: Just jump, high as you can. Come on, leap of faith, Bishop. On my signal. OCTAVIAN: What signal? DOCTOR: You won't miss it. (aims the gun at the roof) ANGEL BOB: (over radio) Sorry, can I ask again? You mentioned a mistake? DOCTOR: (into radio) Oh, big mistake. Huge. There's one thing you never put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existence, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never, ever put in a trap. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) And what would that be, sir? DOCTOR: Me! The DOCTOR fires at the gravity globe and it explodes. TO BE CONTINUED

Plan: A: River Song; Q: Who summons the Doctor and Amy to help her? A: Alex Kingston; Q: Who plays River Song? A: the Doctor; Q: Who destroys the gravity globe? A: ( Iain Glen; Q: Who played Father Octavian? A: militarised clerics; Q: What group does Father Octavian lead? A: the last Weeping Angel; Q: What is the group trying to destroy? A: the planet Alfava Metraxis; Q: Where is the crashed ship Byzantium located? A: Weeping Angels; Q: What are the statues in the labyrinth? A: radiation; Q: What are the Weeping Angels gaining strength from? A: several clerics; Q: Who is revealed to be dead? A: the gravity globe; Q: What did the Doctor destroy? Summary: River Song ( Alex Kingston ), a woman from the Doctor's future, summons him and Amy to help her, Father Octavian ( Iain Glen ), and his group of militarised clerics destroy the last Weeping Angel on the site of the crashed ship Byzantium on the planet Alfava Metraxis. It is revealed that all statues in the stone labyrinth where the ship has crashed are Weeping Angels, and are gaining strength from radiation leaking from the ship. As the Weeping Angels surround the group and several clerics are revealed to be dead, the Doctor destroys the gravity globe which had made the labyrinth unaffected by gravity.

Act One Scene One - Radio Station Frasier is waiting anxiously in the booth. He watches as Roz runs down the hallway. He opens the door with an angry expression. Frasier: Where have you been?! We're on in two minutes! Roz: Forgive me, but I was busy preparing your schedule for tomorrow. You've got lunch with the station manager, you're recording a PSA at three o'clock and don't forget to send flowers to your sister-in-law at the hospital. Frasier: Oh yes, Maris's face-lift! Roz: Really? I didn't know she needed one. Frasier: Well, she doesn't, actually. There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality. Roz laughs, then drops the rest of the papers in her hand into the wastebasket. Frasier: What are those? Roz: Oh, just extra copies of your schedule. Frasier: Why are you running down to the Xerox room for extra copies of my schedule? It wouldn't have anything to do with that new intern, would it? What's his name? Roz: Eli. Frasier: Roz, he's probably all of nineteen. Roz: That's legal! Frasier: Well, coo-coo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson. Roz: Frasier, the guy is so gorgeous, you just want to bite him all over, haven't you seen him? Frasier: No, I've been eating out lately! You're not seriously thinking of dating him, are you? Roz: Why is it all right for older men to date younger women but it's not okay for older women to date younger men? Frasier: I don't make the rules, Roz, I just enjoy them. Roz: You're on. Roz exits to her booth and cues him. Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. We're with you for the next three hours so let's get straight to it. Roz, who's our first caller? Roz: On line one we have Linda, she's calling from a car phone. Frasier: [presses button] Hello, Linda, I'm listening. Linda: [v.o] Oh, Dr. Crane. My husband and I are right in the middle of a fight. You see, we're on our way to the antique mart, we're obviously lost, but he refuses to stop and ask for directions. Frasier: Yes, well, Linda, this is a common source of friction among couples. [laughs] Some men feel the need to be in control, they see asking for help as a sign of weakness. Linda: Oh, everybody knows that. Look, the reason I called is to ask how the hell do we get to the antique mart from Cherke Street and 14th Street. Walter: [v.o] I don't need any directions! I know where I am! Linda: We're lost, Walter, face it, we're lost! Frasier: Well, this isn't normally the kind of advice I give, but let me see, I've lived in Seattle most of my life. Cherke and 14th, you would want to... Roz: Dr. Crane, I've got a map right here. Frasier: Oh, no thanks, Roz, I don't need any help! [SCENE_BREAK] QUICK! GET MANILA ON THE PHONE Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is sat reading a book on the sofa and Daphne is playing patience on the table as Martin enters calling to Eddie off stage in the kitchen. Martin: Hey, put that down! That's disgusting, why do animals always drag these things into the house?! Frasier: Oh, dear God, what is it? A rat? Martin: No, it's a stupid doll! Eddie enters with a Barbie Doll in his mouth. Martin: He found it at the park and he carries it everywhere. Doorbell sounds. Martin: He never did this kind of stuff before you had him fixed! Frasier opens the door to Niles. Niles: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: I thought you'd be at the hospital with Maris. Niles: I'm on my way down that now. Poor Maris, she's so worried, she hasn't had much hospital experience. Except the usual childhood things - you know, tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding. Daphne: What's wrong with Mrs. Crane? Niles: Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgery. Her chin, her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids... Martin: Maybe it would be faster if you just told us what she's leaving alone! You know, if you want my opinion, this is just vanity! Frasier: Oh, it's not vanity, Dad, it's insecurity. It's easy to understand how women can fall victim to our culture's worship at the altar of youth and beauty. Niles: Precisely. Women over forty can't help but feel unattractive if they don't have [looking at Daphne] perfect hair, porcelain skin... limpid eyes... pouting lips... and the voluptuous contours of a goddess. Niles looks into the air with a deep sigh of longing. Niles: [after a while] I'm sorry, I forgot what my point was. Daphne: Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed. Niles: Where? Daphne: Just south of Manchester. Niles: [laughs at her innocence] I meant where on your body? Daphne: [much less innocently] So did I! Niles gapes at hearing this. Frasier: You know, what time is the surgery tomorrow? Niles: First thing in the morning, which is why I'm here. I know I'm being silly and I'm sure everything's going to be fine but I was wondering if I might have your moral support down at the hospital. Martin: Yeah, sure, no problem. Niles: Thank you. Well, I expect I'll be off. Martin: Hey, Niles. Not that it's any of my business but, er, how much is this whole thing setting you back? Niles: Somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-five thousand dollars. Martin: Jeez, for an extra five grand you can get a whole new wife from the Philippines. Niles exits rolling his eyes. [SCENE_BREAK] NO GUTS, NO GLORY Scene Three - Hospital Waiting Room Frasier and Niles are sat in the waiting room as Dr. Sternstein wheels in a woman in her chair. Sternstein: Ah, Dr. Crane. Niles: Dr. Sternstein. Sternstein: Excuse me for a moment. Your wife is still in recovery but everything went splendidly so you can see her in a few minutes. Niles: Thank you, doctor. Sternstein: [to patient] All right, Mrs. Patterson. Sternstein wheels his patient off. Niles: Did you hear that, Frasier? He said everything went fine. He's an incredible plastic surgeon. Did you see that woman? Whoever Mr. Patterson is, he's a very lucky man. Frasier: Maybe that was Mr. Patterson! They go to sit on two couches.] Frasier: You know, guess whose room I passed by on my way down the hall? Artie Walsh. Niles: Dad's old partner? Frasier: Yes, apparently he was in for some tests last week and the results weren't very good. Niles: Oh no, I always liked him. Frasier: Yeah. Niles: I still remember him inviting us to his house for weenie roasts when we were kids. [laughs] Frasier: I'm sure he remembers you too, asking for a salad niçoise! Niles: Do you think Dad knows he's here? Frasier: Oh, I doubt it. Niles: Do you think he wants to know? Frasier: Probably not. They haven't spoken in years. Niles: I don't suppose you got Artie to tell you what their big fight was all about? Frasier: No, he's just as tight-lipped as Dad is. Although, with a little arm twisting, I did get him to admit it was all Dad's fault! They laugh as Martin enters eating from a take-out carton. Martin: Hey, you guys should really try the cafeteria here. They've got a new chef - he's from Yemen. Frasier: So many of the great ones are! Niles: Dad, you know who's in the hospital here? Artie Walsh. He's not at all well. Martin: Yeah, one of the guys told me. They might have to scoop out half of his intestines. Here, taste this meatloaf, it's got just the right amount of chewiness. Martin puts it under Niles' nose. He is obviously turned off of the fact. Niles: No, thank you. [pause] Are you gonna go see him? Martin: No, can't think of any good reason why I should. Frasier: Because he was your best friend for twenty years and now he's sick? Martin: Hey, he never came to see me when I took that bullet - when I was lying there with stuff flowing in and out of tubes and drains from every bodily opening. [shows food to Niles] At least taste this gravy! [Niles waves it off] Frasier: Dad, we are talking about a few minutes out of your life! Just long enough to sit there and have a little chat with a very sick man. I don't see why that's so impossible for you. Now, come on! Believe me, you'll be glad you did. Martin: Hey, listen, sonny boy: that sanctimonious tone might wow 'em on the radio but it doesn't cut any ice with me! When I say no, that's just what I mean. I'm not sitting and chatting with Artie Walsh! Frasier: Artie thought as much. Martin: Why, what did he say? Frasier: He said you wouldn't have the guts to go see him. Martin: He said that? Frasier: Yeah, then he snickered a little! Martin: [stands] Well, I've got news for him. I've got the guts. I've got twice the guts he has, and after his surgery tomorrow, I'll have four times the guts! Martin and Frasier exit down the hallway as Niles looks down at the meatloaf in his hands. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Artie's Hospital Room. Artie is lying in the bed as Frasier and Martin enter. Frasier: Artie, it's me again. Artie: [notices Martin] Martin? Martin: Artie. Frasier: When he knew you were in here, he insisted on rushing right over, didn't you, Dad? Martin: Yeah, well... they said you were in pretty rocky shape. Artie: Well, they've been saying a lot of things. There's deathly silence. Artie: Well, er, Marty, how's it been going? Martin: Okay. Frasier: Good. Small steps. Martin: Sorry you're laid up. Artie: Thanks. It was nice of you to come by. Martin: Well, I guess somebody had to be the big man. Artie: [laughs] Yeah. [realises] What? What's that supposed to mean? Martin: I think you know what that means. Artie: No, why don't you tell me what it means! Martin: I mean I'm being a lot bigger than you were when I was in here! Artie: You mean when you had that lousy bullet in your hip? Martin: Hey, that lousy bullet hurt, pal! Artie: Not enough! Frasier tries to interrupt. Martin: Well, it's too bad you never took a bullet, it might have improved you. Artie: Just be glad you didn't take it in the butt - it could have caused brain damage! Martin: Oh, you always have to have the last word, don't you! Artie: Not with you, I don't want any words with you! Martin: Well, that's too bad, because I've got a couple of real choice ones! Frasier: Dad! Martin and Frasier exit, Frasier looks back in. Frasier: Next time we'll stay longer. [exits] End of Act One Act Two ALBUQUERQUE IS APPROXIMATELY 136 SQUARE MILES Scene One - Frasier's Apartment Frasier is sat on the sofa reading a magazine as Daphne helps Martin with his exercises on the floor. Eddie is staring at Martin. Martin: Stop staring at me like that, Eddie, I didn't touch your damn doll! [pause] Look, even if I did, you know, I did it for your own good. You were becoming the joke of the park, even the poodles were laughing at you! [Eddie stares relentlessly] Oh, all right! Here. Martin reveals the doll from his chair and throws it down the hallway. Eddie gallops after it and exits as Niles enters from the kitchen on his mobile phone. Martin and Daphne finish their exercises and she helps him up into his chair. Martin: I gotta get that dog a G.I. Joe! Niles: [on phone] Yes, yes, Maris, I'm sure. No, no, you can't gain weight from a glucose IV. No, no, my little worry wart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip. Just, just try to close your eyes and go to sleep. Goodnight, Puppy Toes. [hangs up] Daphne: Is everything okay with your wife? Niles: Actually, no. She can't get along with any of her nurses. Honestly, I'm at a loss to understand how a reputable hospital can hire nothing but troublemakers! Frasier: Yes, the Little Sisters of Mercy have always had that reputation! Niles: Dad, I didn't get a chance to ask you, how did your reunion with Artie go? Martin: [sitting in chair] Lousy. Daphne: If you don't mind me asking; what started this bad blood between the two of you? Martin: He spread a rumor about me through the department. Frasier and Niles look at each other with this revelation. Frasier: About what? Martin: None of your business. Frasier: Oh, come on. Martin: No, I don't want to talk about it. Subject closed. Martin starts to read his paper as Daphne, Niles and Frasier look on. Niles: Must have been pretty bad. Frasier: Oh, yes. Must have been on the take. Daphne: More likely drugs. Niles: Drugs, yes, drugs... Or s*x. Could be s*x. Frasier: Or all three! They make noises of agreement with each other until Martin caves. Martin: Oh, all right, it was worse than any of that. [pause] He told people... I cried at "Brian's Song." Frasier: Dear God! You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own! Martin: Well, I wasn't crying! Me and Artie were sitting at Duke's watching the movie and I got some pretzel salt in my eye! Artie thought it was the funniest thing in the world, the next thing I know he's telling everybody. And then I become the joke of the department. Other cops left Kleenex on my desk! They called me "Boo Hoo Crane." Daphne: Well, I suppose I can understand your being upset with him. But, what's he so cheesed off with you for? Martin: Well, I guess I let something slip about the size of his wife's behind. Daphne: I beg your pardon? Martin: Well, she's got this gigantic rear end, I mean it's enormous. It looks like she's shoplifting throw pillows! Frasier: And you felt compelled to share that with him? Martin: Well, for twenty years I tried not to and then I guess one day I let my guard down. We were both coming into the station house and he says, "Hi" and I say, "Hi" and he says, "How's the wife?" and I said, "At least she doesn't have an ass the size of Albuquerque!" Niles: And that's it - a twenty-year relationship down the drain because of a little name calling! Martin: No, there's more to it than that. I mean, Artie always had to have the last word. Always! [pause] He couldn't leave well enough alone. Martin starts to read again. Martin: [suddenly] He couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. As Martin starts to read again, the brothers realise the irony. Martin: [suddenly] You'd think it was all over and then he'd start saying something again. Look, can we drop this? Artie obviously still has an attitude and I've got better things to do than sit around a hospital room taking abuse. [exits] Niles: [realising] Oh God, I'm due back with Maris. Oh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight. Frasier: Why? Niles: Maris's doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible. So I slipped a pearl-handed revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall. Niles exits. Frasier: I think we better say a little prayer for the night nurse! Daphne: You know, it's such a shame your father and your friend just can't let bygones be bygones. Especially at a time like this. Frasier: I don't know what else to do, he's just so damn stubborn. Daphne: Well, maybe if I had a go at it. You know, in the past year and a half I've come to have a pretty good understanding of how the Crane mind works - when it works! Martin enters with some crisps, he sits with Daphne at the table. Daphne: Mr. Crane, about your partner... Martin: I don't want to talk about it anymore! Daphne: No, no, I just wanted to tell you I'm on your side. After the way he treated you, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Martin: Damn right! Daphne: It's hard to see how you could have had any good times together. Martin: Well, there weren't many. Well, occasionally we'd go fishing together. Daphne: That doesn't sound like much fun. Martin: [reminiscing] Well, not the way I did it. But Artie got it into his head that he was going to teach me. [laughs] He even went out and bought this beaten old boat. He always said after we retired we'd get more use out of it. Daphne: Yeah, well, it seems awfully pushy of him to foist his interests on you. Martin: Oh, it wasn't so bad. I remember one time I bust my arm reeling in what turned out to be someone's old bedroom slipper. You know what Artie did? He just unhooked it and threw it right on the barbecue. [laughs] Daphne: Well, I guess maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all. Martin: [pensive thought, then:] You know, maybe you're right. I listen to myself talking and I sound like a big fool. Thanks Daphne, you really opened my eyes. Daphne: I thought I might. Daphne and Frasier share a contented look. Martin: Yeah, I'm going to march right down to that hospital, buy him a big stuffed animal and then throws my arms around him and never, ever let him go! [blows a raspberry in her face] Daphne: You really are a hateful old sod, aren't you? She gets up in disgust. Martin: Come on, Eddie, time for your walk! Martin goes to the door with Eddie as the phone rings. Frasier answers it. Frasier: Hello? Yes, it is. [pause, then in morbid tones] Oh, I see. Yes, well, I guess it isn't really a shock, considering. Yes, I'm sure they did everything they could. Thank you. [hangs up] Martin: What was that? Frasier: [quietly] We'll talk about it later, Dad. Martin: [worried] Is everything okay? Frasier: Why do you ask? Martin: Well, I don't know. You saying, "I'm sorry" and stuff like "I'm sure you did everything you could" and it's natural to be concerned. Frasier: You thought that call was about Artie, didn't you? Martin: No! Frasier: Yes, you did! Martin: So what if I did? Frasier: Well, it just proves my point - you still care about him! Martin: All right, so suppose I do care about him, suppose I do feel bad about this stupid fight and want it over. What the hell can I do? Frasier: Well, it's up to you. But if you like, I could drive you down to the hospital. Martin: [sends Eddie away and puts down lead] I don't need you to lead me. I can drive myself. Frasier: No, you can't. Martin: Why not? Frasier: That was your mechanic, your transmission's dead. Martin glares, while Daphne smiles. Martin and Frasier exit. [SCENE_BREAK] WELL, WE'VE COME THIS FAR WITHOUT A BEDPAN JOKE... Scene Two - Artie's Hospital Room Artie is in bed watching the television. It is on loud as Frasier and Martin enter. Frasier: Artie? Artie: Oh, Jeez... Frasier: Oh, now look. You guys got off on the wrong foot... Martin: All right, Frasier, I'll handle this. [comes in] Artie... [pause, uncomfortable] Will you turn the TV off? Artie: I'll turn it down. He does so, while Martin glares at Frasier. Martin: Listen, Artie, I'm sorry about some of those things I said earlier on, okay? Maybe all of them. I guess I was still a little steamed that you never came to see me in the hospital. Artie: I didn't come by because... well, I just didn't think you'd want to see me. Martin: Of course I wanted to see you! Artie: [smiles] That's what my wife said. He points to a framed photo on his bedside. Martin: Oh, yeah, Loretta. Martin shows Frasier the picture. Frasier looks - and his eyes nearly pop out of his skull. As Martin replaces the picture, Frasier shifts his own behind in the air, trying to imagine how somebody could be that circumferencially blessed. Artie: Anyway, I'm glad you could come by. And I know it's not easy. Especially for someone as stubborn as you are. Martin: Me stubborn?! Hey, listen pal, I'm not the one who always has to have the last... He trails off as Artie starts chuckling. Martin: Oh, you're right, Artie. I am stubborn. And it wasn't easy. Artie: Thanks, Martin. Martin: [to Frasier] Listen, Artie and I have a couple of things to talk about so, if you, er, if you'll just wait outside, it'll be a lot easier. Frasier: Oh, fine, Dad. Anything I can say right now would just be irrelevant. One thing you learn as a therapist is once things are working well between people, anything else you can say would just be... Martin motions him to leave. Frasier exits. Martin pulls up a chair next to Artie's bed. Martin: So, what's a rotten old cop like you doing in a joint like this? Artie: Believe me, it wasn't my idea. This is not how I expected things to end. Martin: What are you talking about, end? You're going to be out on the street raising hell before you know it. Artie: I don't know, Marty. The doctors aren't exactly tossing their hats up in the air over this one. Martin: Hey, my sons are doctors, they don't know nothing! Now, listen, you're going to get yourself out of here, okay? Cause we've got a lot of lost time to make up for. Hey, do you still have that stupid boat? Artie: Oh, yeah. [chuckles] I hung on to it. They laugh. Martin: Good, we'll sink that damn thing yet! Hey, Artie, do you remember that time you barbecued the bedroom slipper? [laughs] Artie: I kept telling you, stuff always tastes better when you catch it yourself. [laughs] As the two laugh, Frasier sits outside in the hallway. Niles arrives in the hallway bearing an armful of gifts. He notices his brother. Niles: Frasier. What are you doing here? Frasier: Oh, I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course I did have to resort to cheap, manipulative pseudo- psychology. Niles: Always go to your strengths. Frasier: Well, what about you? It looks like you've bought out the entire gift shop. Maris should be pleased. Niles: Oh, this isn't for Maris, it's for her nurses. They're having a meeting right now to discuss her care and from what people tell me - a hospital strike can be ugly! A nurse arrives. Nurse: Visiting hours are over, gentlemen. Frasier: Oh, thank you, I'll go round up dad. Frasier goes to the door. Niles: Er, excuse me, do you work on my wife's floor - Mrs. Maris Crane? Nurse: [immediately standoffish] Yes, I do. Niles: I'd like you to have these chocolates. [hands them over] Nurse: I'm on the night shift. Niles: And this lovely watch. [hands it over] The nurse exits, satisfied. In Artie's room, Martin and Artie are laughing again as Frasier interrupts. Frasier: Hey, dad? It's time to go. Artie: What? You get another phone call about your dad's transmission? [they laugh] Your dad told me about that. Frasier: Well, all I was doing was... Artie: Yeah, yeah, I know what you were doing. [winks] Thanks, kid. Frasier: See you soon. Frasier exits, leaving the door open. Martin: Okay, now, we've got a deal, all right? As soon as you get sprung from this joint, you've got to give me some serious fishing lessons. Artie: IF I get out. Martin: WHEN you get out! You're not getting the last word on this one! Artie: See you, Marty. Martin: [stands] See you, Art. Artie: Bye. Martin: Bye. Artie: Take care. Martin rolls his eyes. Martin: Take care. Artie: Stay loose! Martin opens the door and nearly exits. However just before he closes the door: Martin: See you, Artie! Martin quickly slams the door stopping him from having the last word. Martin laughs as he walks with Frasier down the hallway. Halfway down the hall, he stops and walks back the door. He opens it. Artie: [o.s] See you, Marty. Martin closes the door and smiles. So does Frasier. End of Act Two [SCENE_BREAK] Eddie is playing with a GI Joe on the couch as Martin enters. He notices Eddie's new toy and is pleased with him for his macho image. However, when Martin exits, Eddie goes to the other side of the sofa and pulls out his Barbie again.

Plan: A: a facelift; Q: What is Maris admitted to the hospital for? A: Martin's former police partner; Q: Who is in the hospital with Martin? Summary: When Maris is admitted to the hospital for a facelift, Niles and Frasier discover that Martin's former police partner, from whom he is estranged, is also hospitalized, and they try to mend the rift.

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp." It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. ...that'll show 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [after "the kiss"] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. Pam: Me too. ...I think we're just drunk. Jim: No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? Pam: No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim--- Jim: Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious] False. I do not miss him. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive? Toby: OK I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that. Michael: That's what faggie means! Toby: No not really... [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Apparently you called Oscar "faggie" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie. Michael: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard! Toby: All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay. Michael: Exactly! Toby: I mean for real. Michael: Yeah, I know. Toby: No, I mean he's attracted to other men. Michael: OK, a little too far, crossed the line. Toby: OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea. Oscar: No, it's fine. Michael: No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude. Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right? Jim: Uh-huh, yeah. I am. Andy: She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters. Jim: OooOK. Andy: OooOK. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, "Here Comes Treble." [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them. Jim: Oh, I can do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic "Jim"-camera face] What is that? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Can you tell who's gay and who's not? Dwight: Of course. Michael: What about Oscar? Dwight: Absolutely not. Michael: Well, he is. Dwight: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so... Michael: [deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else. Dwight: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive. Michael: Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman. Dwight: I really don't think so. Michael: I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you? Dwight: [creepy smile] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them. Dwight: Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. Michael: That's ridiculous. Dwight: Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot. Michael: [sighs] Let's call him and get the website. Dwight: Definitely. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What's gay-dar? Oh, oh, gay-dar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I could check for you. No problem. [loudly fake typing] It's sold out! Yeah sorry about that, that's a bummer. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, they're sold out. Dwight: Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I miss that. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Chicken or fish? Pam: [loud sigh] Chicken. Roy: So you havin' a good day? Pam: Excellent, thanks. Roy: Good, glad. OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND! [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation. Michael: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so... Jan: That's not what it's called. Toby: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today? Michael: What? What does that even... Jan: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it. Michael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival. Toby: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault. Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about? Jan: NO! Michael: I don't kn-- Jan: No, it's not possible. Michael: Anything's possible. Jan: You know, imagine... you were gay. Michael: [laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody! Jan: Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Am I the first gay man you ever knew? Michael: Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer. Dwight: Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [looking at gay p0rn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay p0rn, straight p0rn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ah damn pop-ups. Oscar: What are you doing?! Angela: Watching some of your friends. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you. Oscar: Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now? [SCENE_BREAK] Creed:[/b]: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Who should be the judges and juries of our society? Angela: Judges and juries! Michael: Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey s*x as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right? Kevin:[/b]: That sounds great. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. Oscar: No one else in this office is gay. Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine! Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance. Michael: That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do! Phyllis: No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school. Michael: [laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment. Phyllis: Well with your ties and your matching socks and --- Michael: Well, I just like to look good OK, so --- Oscar: You sound pretty defensive Michael. Michael: No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero! Oscar: I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here. Michael: No no no. The only signal that I am sending is[/b]: Gay, good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag. Oscar: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life. Michael: You misunderstand-- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend --- Oscar: I would rather not. Michael: ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small! Michael: All right, um... sorry. Oscar: Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug] Michael: [sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps] Michael: [Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [reading the note with the gay-dar] "Hope this helps. -Jim" Nice! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?! Dwight: Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no.

Plan: A: Months; Q: What has passed since the end of season two? A: Jim; Q: Who transferred to the Stamford branch? A: Roy; Q: Who did Pam break off her engagement with? A: Michael; Q: Who accidentally outs Oscar? A: Dwight; Q: Who does Michael contact to buy a "gaydar" machine? A: Dunder Mifflin; Q: What is the name of the company that Oscar works for? A: three month; Q: How long was Oscar's vacation? A: Andy; Q: Who is Jim's new co-worker at the Stamford branch? Summary: Months have passed since the end of season two . Jim has transferred to the Stamford branch, and Pam has broken off her engagement with Roy. Michael learns that Oscar is gay, and with Dwight, contacts Jim regarding buying a " gaydar " machine to figure out who else in the office is gay. Michael accidentally outs Oscar to everyone. Feeling bad, Michael hosts a meeting about homosexuality, where he attempts to present himself as open-minded and progressive, and ends up forcing Oscar into kissing him. This results in Dunder Mifflin giving Oscar a three month paid vacation and a company car. Meanwhile, Jim attempts to adjust to life at the Stamford branch, with his new co-workers Andy and Karen. Jim's attempts to make Andy the 'new Dwight' fail when Andy reacts violently to Jim's Jell-O prank.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Regina: Arthur knows we freed Merlin and he's really not happy about it. I've been waiting for you, Emma. Guinevere: Take this traitor to the dungeon where he belongs. Regina: The Crimson Crown. It's used to communicate through magical barriers. He must have been trying to communicate with Merlin. Can you free Emma from the darkness? Sure. ( Groans ) How long do you think you can hold my heart and threaten me? As long as it takes for me to get what I want. The only one who can get me that sword is you. I can't be the hero you want. What are you doing? Reminding you what you have to fight for. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Camelot - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the dungeon, a flash makes knights blind. Hook and David enters, they fight against them and win. Merlin uses his powers on a knight to knock out him.) Hook: Not bad for a bloke who spent the last thousand years in a tree. Merlin: Just like riding a bike. David: Well, it won't be long before Arthur knows we're here. How do you know what a bike is? Merlin: Do you really think all my prophecies came true because of luck? This way. (Merlin stops the group. Knights walk through the room.) Hook: Bloody hell. You really can see the future. Merlin: Bits and pieces, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] (The group arrives to Lancelot's cell.) Lancelot: Charming? David: It's okay. Mary Margaret and I are no longer under Arthur's control. Lancelot: How did you break his thrall over you? Hook: They didn't, mate. Merlin: I did. Lancelot: Merlin. Merida: What about me, now? You here to free me, too? Hook: Merida? David: How did you end up in there? Merida: Long story. But after what your daughter did to me, letting me out is the least you can do. Hook: Aye. She's right. Emma would want us to free her. Merlin: Indeed, but much has changed in the past millennia. These bars are enchanted with magic that I've never encountered before. (Belle finds a spell in her book.) Belle: Here. Try this. Merlin: Huh. Well, aren't you the clever one? Belle: Glad someone noticed. (Merlin makes the doors disappears. Someone comes in.) Hook: We best get going. Merida: No, wait! Wait, I can't leave! Arthur took my wisps! They're the only way I can find my brothers. Merlin: Right now those wisps will only lead you to one thing... Your death. I assure you, we will find another way to rescue your brothers. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Regina's office.) Mary Margaret: We found Merlin back in Camelot? Regina: Emma let it slip last night when she tried to visit Henry. Hook: If we found that Sorcerer, why the bloody hell didn't he destroy the darkness in Emma? Regina: You're asking the wrong person. Hook: Well, we can't very well ask him. Regina: That's exactly what we're going to do. David: A Crimson Crown. You figured out how to make the communication spell work. Regina: Let's just say seeing Emma rip Violet's heart from her chest gave me all the motivation I need. Hook: How does this thing work? Do we simply speak to it? Regina: It's not that easy. Not just anyone can summon Merlin. He'll only appear to someone who's been chosen by him. David: Arthur. Merlin delivered all the prophecies to him. Regina: So what do you say, sheriff? David: Already on my way. Belle: Wait, wait. Why are we wasting our time with Merlin when there's someone here who can help us? Mary Margaret: Who? Regina: Rumple. If he hadn't brought the darkness back to Storybrooke, we wouldn't even be standing here right now. Belle: Rumple may be to blame for the situation we're in, but so is Emma. She was seduced by the darkness just like he was, so how does that make rumple any different? Hook: Sorry, love. Crocodile had more chances than anyone. David: And right now we need to give Emma her best chance, which means contacting Merlin. Belle: And something bad happens to Rumple... Regina: It's a risk we'll have to take. Belle: Mm, well, maybe you're willing to. I'm not. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold is trapped into the woods.) Mr. Gold: Forgive me, Belle. (He breaks the chip cup.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Camelot - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Merida have a conversation.) Merida: Saw you back there. You're not half bad with magic. If I was half as good as you, I would never have ended up in that dungeon in the first place. Belle: Why were you down there? Merida: After I parted ways with the lot of you, I followed the Will o' the Wisps to find where the clans are keeping my brothers. The wisps led me to the Ivory Sea, so I stole a boat to make the crossing, but, unfortunately, the boat belonged to the wrong fella. Belle: What, Arthur? Merida: His men captured me and threw me in that dank prison... Shh! Did you hear that? Belle: Huh? Hear what? Merida: Nothing. I just... needed your friends to get out of sight. Belle: What? W-why? Merida: So they don't see this. (Merida knocks out Belle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida leads Emma to her camp into the woods.) Merida: I've pushed him as hard as I can. He's at the end of his tether. Emma: You were saying? Merida: Oh, go ahead. Crush it. Better that than helping you with your dirty work. Emma: Why would I do that when your job isn't finished yet? Merida: What are you on about? How am I supposed to train him when he's not even here? Emma: You confirmed the one thing I needed to know... Belle's still someone he's willing to fight for. Merida: Well, it didn't exactly make him a hero, now, did it? Emma: It will... If he wants to stop you. Merida: Stop me? From what? Emma: Killing Belle... Now go find her and put an arrow through her heart. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Shores of Dunbroch - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida brings Belle to her land.) Merida: Ooh, I was beginning to worry you might not wake up. Belle: Where are you taking me? Merida: Ooh, you got fire. I like that. But I don't mean to hurt you. Belle: Tell that to the bump on my head. Merida: Without the wisps, I need another way to find my brothers, and that other way... Is you. Belle: Oh, yeah, you needed magic, you could have just asked. Merida: What, and risked getting a no? Sorry, but I'm more of a "hit first, ask questions later" kind of lass. Belle: Ah, is that why the clans kidnapped your brothers? Merida: Hardly. Those kilted oafs don't think I can rule the highlands without marrying one of them. I'm not gonna marry someone I don't fancy just to hold on to me own crown... After my father's death, they exiled my mother, then kidnapped my brothers as ransom. They'll only free them if I relinquish the throne. Belle: And you don't plan on doing that. Merida: Would you give up everything you have ever dreamed of just because a man said you didn't deserve it? So, what do you say? Will you help me show the clans they messed with the wrong Queen? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Belle: Now, where is she keeping you? (The elevator moves. Mr. Gold was inside.) Mr. Gold: Don't hurt me, don't hurt me! Please! Please. Belle: Oh, hey, hey, hey. It's okay. Dear, it's just me. It's okay. Mr. Gold: Belle? Belle: It's just... It's just me. Mr. Gold: It really you? Belle: Yeah. Mr. Gold: She's after me. Belle: Wait, wait. It's okay. You're safe now. It's okay. It's okay. Hey. Hey. Mr. Gold: God, Belle. Thank you. Belle: What? Mr. Gold: I meant... I meant when... When I... When I was in the coma... All I wanted to do was let go. After all I'd done, why did I deserve to live? And then I heard something... Your voice. After all the things I've done to you... You still stood by me... Belle... If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even be alive. Thank you. Belle: Come on. You know, it won't take Emma long to figure out where you've gone. Mr. Gold: If she wanted to find me, she would have already. She wanted me to escape. Belle: But th-that doesn't make sense. She kidnapped you. Mr. Gold: To turn me into a hero so I can pull Excalibur from the stone. Belle: Well, so how does letting you escape do that? Mr. Gold: She's coming after you. Belle: Me? W-why? Mr. Gold: To force me to protect you. She thinks that'll make me the hero she needs... Belle, you're in danger. Belle: Okay. So... So what do we do? Mr. Gold: The shop. There's magic there that can help us. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Shores of Dunbroch - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida leads Belle to the witch's cabin.) Merida: There's magic in there that can help us. We can use it to find my brothers. Belle: You sure that the witch isn't home? Merida: No. And what does it matter? We're only gonna nip inside long enough to use her cauldron. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the cabin, Belle makes a potion.) Belle: Okay. (An image appears.) Belle: Do you know where that is? Merida: I do. The Southern Moor. Macintosh, MacGuffin, and Dingwall. Belle: The ones who wanted to marry you? Merida: Now you understand why I want to rule on my own. Belle: I'm guessing they're your brothers. Merida: Aye. What do they mean to do to them? Lord Macintosh: We've waited long enough. Because Merida has failed to relinquish her crown of her own accord, we have no choice but to take it from her... And to punish her for her treachery at day's end, her dear brothers... Will be executed. Merida: So they're gonna die because of me. Belle: Uh, th... That's not true. We can still rescue them. Merida: No, we don't have time to plan a proper escape! Belle: I promise we'll find a way to save them from this fate. Merida: Fate... That's it. (Merida takes a scroll.) Merida: There's only one way to save my brothers now. I need to change their fate, and I need you to do it for me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena reads a book in her cell.) Zelena: Was that a kick, my little munchkin? (Nurse Ratched enters with Zelena's lunch.) Zelena: Oh, thank god. I'm absolutely famished. The only thing this little one seems to want at the moment is a plate of onion rings. Nurse Ratched: I'm under strict orders from the mayor to only feed you local, organically grown produce. Zelena: Well, isn't my sister sweet? Go! (Nurse Ratched leaves, Emma appears.) Emma: Trust me, if anyone knows what it's like to be pregnant behind bars, it's me. Zelena: The Dark Swan. To what do I owe this honour? Emma: Just wanted to have a little chat. Zelena: Afraid I'm not in the mood. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma teleports Zelena at her place.) Zelena: I suppose I could be willing to listen. So, tell me... What kind of trouble do you want to get into? Emma: Eat up... Dark Ones don't judge. Zelena: Despite these greasy treats, I know this isn't a social call. What do you want? Emma: Direct... I like that. Take a look at this. Zelena: The Apprentice's wand. Emma: You're the only one around who has wielded Merlin's magic and lived to tell about it. Zelena: Aww. It's nice to be appreciated. Emma: If all goes according to plan, I'll need your help. Zelena: How exciting. I can't wait to hear what you're offering in return. Emma: Your freedom... And my protection against Regina and anyone else who wants to hurt you. Zelena: So the Dark One's here to make a deal? How dreadfully unoriginal. You see, believe it or not, that patient with a mop loves to talk, and I hear that you've been very naughty, tearing out that little girl's heart to break your son's. Kudos. That is next-level darkness. Well done. Emma: You think you're allowed to judge after everything you've done? Zelena: No. But as someone that's been on the receiving end of a mother's betrayal, I know that those feelings of hurt don't go away. They fester. So have fun with a lifetime of resentment. Emma: He'll forgive me. He just needs time. Zelena: Even with all the time in the world, some things can't be forgiven. Emma: I don't believe that. Zelena: I killed Neal. Ready to kiss and make up? Emma: Do we have a deal or not? Zelena: I've got my own family problems. I don't need yours. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. And with a little one on the way, I wouldn't want to involve myself with someone that might be a bad influence. But thanks for the nosh. If that's all, I'd like to go back to my cell. Emma: You will need an ally in this town... Maybe not now, but soon. You'll be back to take my deal. Zelena: I don't think so, Emma. You see, the difference between you and me is... I don't mind being alone. (Emma sends Zelena back in her cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Belle: All right. Coast is clear. We should go now. Mr. Gold: No, no, no. I'm sorry. I-I can't. I can't go. I'm sorry. Belle: But y-your shop's only a hundred yards away. Mr. Gold: No, I-I'm sorry. I... I can't. Belle: You made it out of the woods and through the mines with... This isn't just about you getting back to your shop, is it? Mr. Gold: It's my leg... It's a reminder of what I was when I fled the ogre wars... What I continued to be when I became the Dark One and what I still am is a coward. Belle: But you've told me why you have that limp before... Because you walked for days on a broken foot just so you could return to your son. Mr. Gold: Do you know how the foot was broken in the first place? Belle: Because you broke it so that Baelfire wouldn't grow up without a father. Rumple, you may have made many mistakes in your life, but this isn't one of them... I have always seen the man behind the beast, all right? But now... Now I see something else, too... A hero. And you... You just need to learn to see him, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Shores of Dunbroch - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida is training arrow.) Belle: Uh... Uh, where did you learn to do that? Merida: When I was but a wee devil. I refused to believe a bow was just something my mother tied to my curly locks... My father agreed. He said learning to fight was essential whether you wore a dress or a kilt. He was a wise man, that King Fergus. Belle: I wish my father had been as supportive of my adventures. Merida: He wasn't just supportive. He taught me everything I know about shooting... Said to me, "lass, if you remember what you're fighting for, you will never miss your target." Belle: Well, it looks like it was good advice. Merida: Aye. Now, is my potion done? Belle: Yeah, a-about that, do you know what this potion will do to you? Merida: Think I would ask you to make it if I didn't? Belle: But it'll turn you into a... A bear. Merida: No, it changes fate is what it does. The spell of Mor'du, they call it. Legend says that witch used it to change the fate of a prince, gave him the strength of 10 men. Belle: So you think that turning yourself into a bear will make you strong enough to rescue your brothers? Merida: I know it will. This isn't the first time I've seen this magic in action. Belle: But, Merida, you don't need magic to change fate. Merida: How would you know? Belle: I just watched you split arrows without blinking an eye. You can make your own fate. All you need is your wit and your bow. Well, isn't that a better way to prove to the clans that you're worthy of being their Queen? Merida: Afraid that's where you're wrong, missy. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Mr. Gold enters at the pawnbroker's shop.) Belle: Okay, come on. See? I knew you could make it. Mr. Gold: I should've known better than to argue with you by now. Belle: Here. Now, what did we come here for? (An arrow targets them. Merida enters into the shops.) Merida: I told the Dark One you wouldn't be daft enough to seek shelter in your own shop, but she said you wouldn't be able to resist the pull of your magic. Mr. Gold: Merida, you... You don't have to do this. Merida: No, I tried to fight it, but I couldn't. So now her fate rests in your hands. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is making the potion to contact Merlin.) Hook: What the bloody hell is taking so long? Regina: Patience, Pirate. If these spellbooks are correct, as soon as Arthur adds the Crimson Crown to the cauldron, he should be able to make contact with Merlin. Arthur: Then we'll be speaking with him before you know it. David told us everything. Mary Margaret: And you're willing to help? Arthur: After everything you've done for us, it's the least I can do. Regina: What are you waiting for? Arthur: Perhaps it's best if I do this alone. Back in Camelot, Merlin delivered his prophecies to me from inside a tree. But I'm afraid he only delivered them when I was alone. David: This is too important to risk. Come on. Let's leave him to it. (Regina, Mary Margaret, Hook and David Leave. Arthur burns the Crimson Crown.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Arthur gets out from Regina's vault.) David: Did it work? Arthur: Afraid not... I thought the spell was gonna make contact, and then it... Just fizzled out. [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida purchases Belle and Mr. Gold.) Merida: Stop me, you coward. Be the hero we all need. Mr. Gold: I ca... I can't. I ca... I'm sorry, Belle. Merida: No, I am... For what I'm about to do. (Belle saves them.) [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: Okay. Come on. She's not gonna stay passed out for long. (Mr. Gold takes a potion from his safe.) Belle: What's that? Mr. Gold: We may not outrun her arrows, but there's somewhere where this can keep us safe. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The Southern Moor - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida and Belle comes to Merida's brother's execution.) Merida: Hand over the potion. Belle: Why do you need magic to save your brothers? Tell me, or this ends up on the rocks. Merida: Fine, if you must know. Not long ago, DunBroch was attacked. It was an enemy from another land. My father fought side by side with all the clans, and I with him... As he brought us toward victory, I saw a helmed knight heading straight for him, his sword raised. My father didn't see the knight. It was up to me... I had the enemy in my sights. I notched an arrow, pulled back the bowstring, I took a breath, steadied my hand, and let the arrow fly... But I missed... And the knight ran my father through. My father is dead because of me. Belle: No, it's not your fault. Merida: What do you know of it? Belle: I lost my mother in the ogre wars. I blamed myself, too, until I finally realized the truth. It wasn't my fault. I forgave myself. You have to learn to do the same. Merida: I can't. The clans, they lost faith in me that day. That's why they don't think I can lead... Now, can I have the potion, or not? (Belle gives Merida the potion.) Merida: Thank you. Now let's kick some arse. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold drives to the town's line.) Belle: What... Where are we going? Mr. Gold: The only place we'll be safe from Emma and her quivered friend. Belle: Wait. You're taking us out of Storybrooke. Mr. Gold: This is anti-transformation powder. This will keep us safe from any ill effects from crossing the town line. Belle: No, no, we can't leave, not while there are still people we care about in this town. Mr. Gold: Belle, I used to be the Dark One. I know Emma better than she knows herself. She will keep coming till she gets what she wants. Belle: Well, we'll stop her together. Mr. Gold: Didn't you see what happened back there? Belle: Yeah. Mr. Gold: I couldn't even protect you from Merida. Belle: Rumple, stop the car. Mr. Gold: What? Belle: Now! (Belle tries to open the door. Mr. Gold stops the car.) Mr. Gold: Belle! Belle! (She leaves.) Mr. Gold: Belle. Belle. What are you doing? Come back in the car. Belle: No. Mr. Gold: Please. Belle: No. You know, running never made anyone a hero, okay? Mr. Gold: Well, don't... Don't you get it? I'm not a hero. Belle: Well, you've been brave before. Mr. Gold: When? During the first ogres war? Let me tell you the truth about that day... I didn't... Cripple myself to get back to my son... I did it because I was scared. Belle: Rumple... Mr. Gold: I joined the army to prove I wasn't a coward. But when I seen the wounded coming back from the front lines... I didn't want to die... I'm a coward, Belle... And that's never gonna change. Please come back in the car, eh? Th... This is the only way I know how to protect you. Come on, come on. Belle: Protect yourself, you mean. Mr. Gold: No. Belle: No. Mr. Gold: Belle. Belle! (Belle walks to the town. Mr. Gold gets in his car.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Merida is waiting for Belle on the road.) Merida: You should have followed your wee sweetheart over the town line. Belle: O-okay. He's not my sweetheart, and I'm not scared of you. Merida: Ah, but you should be, because now the Dark One's not taking any chances. She's making me drink this. (Merida turns into a bear.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ The Southern Moor - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Merida's brothers execution.) Lord Macintosh: Men, today, we cement the rule of our three clans. With Merida's brothers out of the way and Merida in hiding, the DunBroch claim to the throne will be erased! Merida: Not if I have any say in it. Lord Macintosh: Merida? Merida: Let my brothers go, unless you want to end up black as well as blue. Lord Macintosh: You and what army? Merida: This one. (Merida drinks the portion.) Merida: Just you wait. In a moment, you're gonna be very, very sorry... Did you mix it right? Belle: Yes... But I-I switched the potion with water. Merida: What? What game are you playing? Where's the real potion? Belle: You defeat the clans with magic, the people still won't follow you. You need to defeat them as a Queen. Merida: If you wanted to teach me a lesson, you should have done it before we were surrounded. Belle: I knew you wouldn't face your fear unless you didn't have a choice... I know you can do this. Lord Macintosh: Enough, Merida! The only way you and your brothers live out this day is if you relinquish your crown. Merida: After everything my father did to create peace between the clans, never! Clan DunBroch is the rightful leader of the four clans, and I am the sole and rightful Queen! Lord Macintosh: Then you leave us no choice... Fire! (Lord Macintosh, Lord MacGuffin, and Lord Dingwall shoot Merida's brothers.) Merida: Noooo! (Merida saves them.) Merida: You saw what I can do with an arrow. Do you really want to see what I can do with a sword? Now let them go! (The clans surrender.) Lord Macintosh: You too? Merida: You're lucky someone once taught me the value of mercy... Hi, love. It's okay. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. Mother's gonna be so happy to see you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle tries to escape from Merida.) Belle: Aah! Merida, listen to me! Don't do this! (Mr. Gold casts a rock on Merida.) Belle: No, no! She'll kill you! Rumple, run! Mr. Gold: No, Belle! I'm not running this time. Belle: No! Mr. Gold: Go! (Merida hits Mr. Gold.) Belle: No, no. Mr. Gold: Do your worst. (Mr. Gold cast his potion into Merida's mouth. She turns back into human.) Belle: How... H-how did you know that would transform her back? Mr. Gold: I didn't. Belle: I knew you had it in you. You saved me. Mr. Gold: Actually... I think you saved me. (They hug.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Shores of Dunbroch - 6 weeks ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Merida say goodbye.) Merida: Sure I can't help you on your friends' quest? It's the least I can do. Belle: No. Thank you for your offer, but your kingdom needs their Queen right now. Merida: What will you do about the man you love... Or loved? Belle: Still don't know. All I can do is hope that I get home and find a way to save him. But, succeed or fail, I do know one thing... I won't give up. Merida: You don't strike me as the giving-up type. Belle: Well, I, uh... I do hope our paths cross again. Merida: Thank you, Belle... For everything... Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's, Merlin takes a candy.) Merlin: Everything all right? Emma: You tell me. I have the strangest sense of déja vu right now. Merlin: You know, I've always wanted to try one of these. The last time I had the chance, it was in the hands of a little girl with sticky fingers. (Emma remembers.) Merlin: Don't. Emma: I'm sorry. (Back to Granny's) Emma: You. Merlin: You remember. Well, I'm flattered. Emma: You were the usher... At the movie theater when I was a kid. How is that possible? You were still stuck in the tree back then. Merlin: It doesn't matter how I got my message to you. What's important is... Do you remember what I said? Emma: You said something about Excalibur, and you told me... Merlin: That one day, you would have the opportunity to remove Excalibur from its stone. Emma: Well, I hate to burst your bubble. Someone beat me to it. Merlin: Perhaps, but the sword will return to whence it came. And now that the darkness is within you, it's more important than ever that you heed the rest of my warning... Leave Excalibur alone. The fate of everyone that you love rests upon it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Emma's basement.) Merida: He bested me fair and square. Emma: I was getting worried. For a moment, I thought I was going to have to drag you down here myself. Mr. Gold: No. A hero never runs away from his problems... Now... As a former Dark One, I know you won't stop wreaking havoc till I pull that sword from that stone. Emma: Good. We understand each other. Mr. Gold: And I also know that you won't be able to resist making a deal... So how about I pull Excalibur in exchange for Merida's heart? Merida: And my brothers... I want to know what happened to them. Emma: You really think you're in a position to make deals? Mr. Gold: That's exactly what I think. (Emma gives back Merida's heart.) Emma: I was finished with this anyway. Mr. Gold: And her brothers? Emma: They're fine, safe and sound by her mother's side. Now get on with it! Belle: Wait. What happens if he can't pull it from the stone? Emma: Then you will be sweeping his remains from the floor. You were his maid once. Mr. Gold: Belle... Just in case this doesn't work, I want you to know that I am sorry for everything. If I had to do it all again, I would make sure I was the man you deserved right from the very start... And I would change everything for you. Belle: It's never too late. (Mr. Gold removes Excalibur from the stone.) Mr. Gold: Well, well. A deal's a deal. (Emma takes Excalibur.) Mr. Gold: Now, you may have Excalibur, but you've made one mistake in all of this... One terrible mistake... You've turned me into a hero. Emma: There are heroes all over this town, and none of them have been able to stop me yet. Mr. Gold: Well, that's because none of them... Are me. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Regina's vault.) Mary Margaret: You've checked over that spell a dozen times, Regina. Regina: Well, I did everything right. Arthur should have been able to communicate with Merlin. (David finds the Crimson Crown.) David: Unless he didn't want to. Hook: The Crimson Crown. David: Arthur threw it in the fire. He sabotaged the spell... He lied to us. Regina: I guess he didn't realize magical toadstools don't burn. David: But why wouldn't he want us to contact Merlin? Mary Margaret: We need to talk to Merlin now more than ever. David: Unfortunately, we need someone he's chosen. Hook: The Apprentice is dead. We're out of options, love. Regina: Perhaps not. There is one other person in Storybrooke who was chosen by Merlin... The Author. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry comes into the vault.) Regina: Are you sure you're up for this? Henry: I'm fine, Mom. Regina: It's just I-I know you've been through a lot. Henry: The person who ripped out Violet's heart isn't my mother. But Emma is still in there somewhere, and I'll do anything it takes to get her back. Hook: You can do this, lad. (Henry put the Crimson Crown in the cauldron. Merlin appears.) Henry: Merlin? Merlin: If you're receiving this message, then things are worse than I feared. Regina: I don't believe this. We're getting Merlin's voice-mail? Merlin: There is only one person who can help you defeat the Dark One now. Her name is Nimue. David: Who's Nimue? Merlin: If you want to destroy the darkness, then you must... No. The Dark One's found me already. Hook: What the hell did Emma do to him?

Plan: A: Camelot; Q: Where does Merida enlist Belle on a mission? A: Belle; Q: Who does Merida enlist to help save her brothers? A: the United Clans; Q: Who is Merida trying to save her brothers from? A: a spell; Q: What does Merida want Belle to use to save her brothers? A: Storybrooke; Q: Where does Emma try to force Merida to kill Belle? A: Emma; Q: Who tries to force Merida to kill Belle? A: a coward; Q: What does Belle think Gold is? A: the archer; Q: Who turns into a bear? A: Emma's feet; Q: Where does Gold place Excalibur? A: Zelena; Q: Who does Emma offer a deal to? A: Arthur's deception; Q: What do the residents discover about Arthur? A: Henry; Q: Who discovers a message from Merlin? Summary: In Camelot, Merida enlists Belle on a mission to save her brothers from the United Clans by using a spell to battle the clans, but Belle believes that her faith in fate should be enough to make Merida brave. In Storybrooke, Emma tries to force Merida to kill Belle so she can make Gold heroic. When Gold finally realizes that Belle sees him as a coward, Gold brings out his bravery by defeating Merida after the archer turns into a bear. Gold then releases Excalibur and places it at Emma's feet but tells her that he is the hero now. At the same time Emma offers Zelena a deal while the residents discovers Arthur's deception, as well as discovering a message from Merlin with help from Henry.

THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY STRATOSPHERE TOWER / MOON (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FILM DEVELOPERS - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand next to a film projector and watch the film on screen. The FILM PROCESSOR, who called it in, stands on the opposite side of the projector. On screen, she's showing them the p0rn film she recently developed.) (On screen, the man finishes and the woman lies back on the bed.) FILM PROCESSOR (WOMAN): Okay, this is where it got weird. (On screen, the man pulls the woman off of the bed by the wrist. He holds her up close, his back to the camera. He pulls a knife. The woman struggles to get out of his grip.) (The man puts the knife against the woman's neck.) Woman: (on film) Don't ... (He pulls the knife and cuts the woman's neck, blood spatters everywhere. The woman struggles to breathe, then falls to the floor and out of camera frame.) (CATHERINE isn't unaffected by the film.) FILM PROCESSOR (WOMAN): I've processed hundreds of bogus snuff films. But this, this one just felt different. Catherine: (closes her eyes for a moment) Yeah, it should. arterial spray was real. (GRISSOM watches grimly as the blood drops on the camera lens slowly slide downward.) Grissom: It's not fake blood. It's human. That was a murder ... on 16 millimeter. HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FILM DEVELOPERS - NIGHT] (GRISSOM puts on his gloves to handle the film.) Grissom: Has this pornographer sent you film to be developed in the past? FILM PROCESSOR (WOMAN): I'm sure he has. We get raw film from hundreds of adult film companies. No names, just those private boxes. You can film p0rn, develop it, sell it, buy it but you can't send it through the U.S. Mail. Catherine: I've got several envelopes here from various private shipping companies. Grissom: We'll be taking those with us as well. FILM PROCESSOR (WOMAN): Whatever. (GRISSOM'S cell phone rings. He answers it.) Grissom: Grissom. Brass: (over phone) It's Brass. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. HENDERSON ROAD - NIGHT] Brass: I got a D.B. Out on Henderson Road. Grissom: I'm already on a case. Brass: Yeah, well, reconsider. I mean, these ants came flying out of the body. They're taking chunks out of the coroner. The CSI day guy says he's not going near the body again! Grissom: They're fire ants, Brass. Keep everyone away from the colony. They're evidence. (Behind BRASS, DAVID PHILLIPS tries to get the ants off of him.) Brass: Reconsider. Bring bug spray. Grissom: No bug spray! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HENDERSON ROAD - NIGHT] (BRASS escorts GRISSOM to the dead body.) Brass: So a kid was driving along and spotted the tool box. He thought it would look good in his pickup truck. So he looked inside and freaked out. Ran to call for help. (GRISSOM and BRASS reach DAVID PHILLIPS.) David Phillips: Hey ... Grissom. You ever see anything like this? (DAVID holds his arm out for GRISSOM to look at. There are angry puffy bite marks on his arm.) Grissom: Well, any species that finds itself in a place it doesn't belong can do this kind of damage. What are you using? David Phillips: Cortisone. Grissom: That'll help. (GRISSOM and BRASS continue on to the body.) Brass: You know, I heard that these things can kill a deer. Is that ... is that right? Grissom: Well, with enough colonies they can kill people. Brass: What about our person? Grissom: Well, only if they also learned how to put him in a box and dump him in a ditch. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HENDERSON ROAD - NIGHT] (The tool box lid opens. Inside is a dead body eaten away down to its bones. The entire body is covered with fire ants.) (Behind him, BRASS coughs at the smell.) Brass: Man or woman? (GRISSOM brushes away some of the flying ants from his sight.) Grissom: Ant hill. They're using this body as a colony site. I'm going to have to take this box and the specimen back to the lab as is. These insects are evidence. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and DET. SULIK walk in the hallway as he fills her in on the info about the snuff film.) Det. Sulik: I followed up on the private mail depot for our snuff movie. The place has got over a thousand boxes no records of renters and they deal in cash only. Catherine: Dead trail. Det. Sulik: Yeah. Catherine: I got Archie to digitize that film blow up a head shot of our victim. (CATHERINE hands DET. SULIK a photograph of the woman.) Det. Sulik: I find any missing persons that match her description, I'll beep you. Catherine: Thanks, Sulik. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (SARA is looking at the film negative with a magnifying glass. CATHERINE walks into the lab.) Catherine: Find any fingerprints? Sara: I should be able to. Imaging components on a filmstrip are held together by gelatin. Same stuff that makes jell-o jiggle, but they're smudged. I can tell you that the film was manufactured in 2002 by a big company. Homicide's contacting them now to get a buyer's list. (CATHERINE puts on a pair of gloves.) Catherine: Won't help. Pornos buy "short ends" from legitimate clearing houses. Saves money and they're impossible to trace. Sara: (impressed) Really? Catherine: I pulled a porno ring using teenage girls a couple years ago. Learned all you want to know about the adult entertainment industry. (CATHERING picks up a film negative strip and looks at it through a magnifying glass.) Catherine: Hell of a way to go. (SARA'S silent for a moment.) Sara: I always thought that snuff films were an urban myth. I mean, outside of urban Bangkok. (CATHERINE puts the film down and looks at SARA.) Catherine: FBI's official position on snuff films in the U.S. Of a? No such thing. Sara: What's their unofficial position? Catherine: Single film goes for hundred grand ... original negative. (CATHERINE goes back to looking at the negative.) Sara: And this snuff filmmaker decided to send his film out to get processed. Catherine: Greedy doesn't mean smart. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DOC ROBBINS struggles to put on his protective suit around his leg. Next to him, GRISSOM also puts on his suit.) Robbins: Come on, you bitch! I'm allergic to red ants, you know. (GRISSOM puts his head gear on and works to put his gloves on. ROBBINS does the same.) Grissom: Yeah? I put them on my eggs. Robbins: If they're dead, I hope. (They both enter the autopsy room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and ROBBINS carry the body to the examining table. The entire room is covered with plastic to keep the insects inside. GRISSOM starts to sprinkle white powder along the edge of the table.) Robbins: Something tells me that isn't black flag. Grissom: Ecozone pyrethrum. Toxic to ants, fleas, roaches and silverfish. Robbins: And how does an entomologist feel about putting ants to death? Grissom: I view them as martyrs in a scientist's holy war. Robbins: I see. (looks at the body) Man without a face. Grissom: Timeline for death? Robbins: Hard to say between the insects and the elements. At least a year. Grissom: It smells more like two. Robbins: Multiple fractures of both clavicles. (Quick CGI POV to the right clavicle of the body. The ants and grime disappear and only the clean bone is left for us to view. The bone breaks.) Robbins: (V.O.) Right clavicle healed ... broken four months before death. (The bone heals up. Camera moves over the ant-infested body to the left clavicle and focuses in on the second break.) Robbins: (V.O.) Left was more recent ... hairline fractures are still present. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: Give me a hand turning him over, will you? (They turn the body over.) Grissom: What are these? (GRISSOM sticks his fingers in two almost identical wounds on the body's back.) Robbins: I'm not sure. Sharp impact wounds to the interscapular. Same trauma here in the vertebrel. Grissom: Stab wounds? Robbins: I can't say. Uh, maybe some round weapon of some sort. Grissom: What, two feet apart? More like 18 inches. (GRISSOM sees something. He digs in his pocket for a forceps and removes something from the body. He holds it up.) Robbins: What? Grissom: A pupa case. Robbins: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Grissom: It's a good thing. If I can postdate the pupa I can establish an entomological timeline. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- NIGHT] (WARRICK and ARCHIE work on getting information from the snuff film.) Warrick: Okay, all right, let's run this back again from the beginning. This time without the sound. (ARCHIE clicks on the keyboard and the film rewinds.) Warrick: All right. (They reach the beginning of the film where the woman is on the bed and the man in the robe walks into the room. The man disrobes.) Warrick: Stop. (ARCHIE punches a key on the keyboard and the film pauses.) Warrick: Can you zoom in on his back? (ARCHIE boxes and enlarges a mark on the man's back.) Warrick: What is that? A mole? Archie Johnson: Non-cancerous. Warrick: You think? Too bad, the b*st*rd. (The film resumes.) This room is like a dime a dozen it could be anywhere in Vegas. Between the drapes can you get any other detail outside of that window? Archie Johnson: Uh ... I'll reverse the polarization see if we can get any more information from this frame. Warrick: That looks like a blob outside of the window. It's spherical. Archie Johnson: Blow it up. Times ten. Warrick: The Stratosphere Tower. South face maybe? Using that Stratosphere Tower as a point of reference could you triangulate and pinpoint the street that this was filmed on? Archie Johnson: (smiles and nods) I can. (ARCHIE gets to work.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY -- STRATOSPHERE TOWER (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MANDOLIN TOWER HOTEL - DRIVEWAY -- DAY] (DET. SULIK, CATHERINE, SARA and WARRICK make their way up the driveway.) Det. Sulik: Hotel's in receivership. The security guy says the elevator still works. Warrick: We're going to need to talk to him. Det. Sulik: Soon as he gets off the phone with the owner. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANDOLIN TOWER HOTEL - LOBBY -- DAY] (The group walks into the lobby. CATHERINE pauses and looks around. She stops and stares at a lamp in the lobby. WARRICK notices and stops to stand next to her.) Warrick: What's up? Catherine: (looking at the lamp) Oh, nothing. Only difference between Kitsch and beautiful is time. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (GRISSOM is holding a stack of bug samples in baggies.) Greg: (o.s.) Heard you're doing a timeline on the ant man. Grissom: Slow day in DNA, Greg? (GRISSOM starts to tape the baggies to the glass board.) Greg: Yeah. (pause) You know, I, uh ... I can take notes. (GREG walks up to GRISSOM from the other side of the glass board and pulls out a small notepad and pen.) Grissom: Very good. Go right ahead. (GRISSOM starts the timeline. He talks out loud as he writes.) Grissom: (writing) Week zero: Body dies. Week two: Green blowflies arrive ... and leave their pupal casings. (GRISSOM grabs one of the baggied samples and tapes it under "Week 2". He continues.) Grissom: Week four: Black soldier flies move in. At Week 28 ... they leave their pupa casings. (GRISSOM grabs the second baggied sample and sticks it under "Week 28". He continues.) Grissom: Now, the presence of winged reproductive fire ants suggests that their colony was in existence for at least a year. (At this, GRISSOM takes the final bag and tags it at the end. He writes a large "52" over it and circles it. He continues.) Grissom: Now, since we found no more pupa casings after the black soldier flies left at week 28, we know that this is when the fire ants must've first arrived. (GRISSOM writes a "1" and circles it.) Grissom: So, calculating the gestation period between ants and flies, we get... (GREG starts counting. He reaches over and grabs the blue pen.) Greg: One year plus the 28 weeks ... the guy's been dead 19 months. (GREG writes a big "19" on the board and circles it.) Grissom: (pleased) Very good. It's an approximation, but it's a start. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANDOLIN TOWER HOTEL - HALLWAY ON FLOOR -- DAY] (As they walk down the hallway, CATHERINE assigns the rooms to each of them.) Catherine: Well ... Sara, you take that one. (SARA enters the first room.) Catherine: Warrick, you go there, I'll go in here. (They each walk into their assigned rooms.) [SCENE_BREAK] (CATHERINE walks into her room and looks around.) (Cut to: WARRICK is inside his room and holds up a large clear image of the stratosphere tower from the film. They try to find the room by matching the tower in the negative to the tower in the window. He looks at the negative and pulls it down to look at the window: no match.) (Cut to: CATHERINE holding up the large clear image against the window. She looks at the image and pulls it down to look at the window: no match.) (Cut to: SARA holding up the same large clear image against the window. She looks at the image and sees the stratosphere tower line up perfectly with the tower in the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANDOLIN TOWER HOTEL - ROOM 918- DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Sara: Hey, guys? (CATHERINE and WARRICK walk into the room.) Sara: We got it. Warrick: (looking around) Somebody moved out all the furniture. Catherine: And painted the wall. (CATHERINE puts her kit down.) Warrick: If they can't see it, we can't, huh? Catherine: Right. (WARRICK puts his kit down and picks up his ALS. He shines it on the wall. Under the light, the blood spatter is obvious.) Catherine: Arterial spray (Quick flashback to the knife slicing through the woman's neck. She gasps. The blood spatters on the wall. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: (pointing) There's a void. Could be a face? Catherine: Yeah, maybe. Sara: How does somebody cross the line where killing a woman is a turn-on? Catherine: Oh, I don't think snuff makers cross a line, I think they start on the other side of it. Sara: Biology determining pathology. Warrick: Yeah, some people were just born bad. Catherine: Where's that security guard? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANDOLIN TOWER HOTEL - LOBBY -- DAY] Det. Sulik: How long you been a day guard here? Security Guard: Four months. But I don't know anything about this murder you're talking about. Warrick: Do you anything about who painted Room 918? Security Guard: No idea. (CATHERINE notices the white spots on the SECURITY GUARD'S shoulder.) Catherine: You should try a scalp conditioner. Security Guard: What? Catherine: Your dandruff. (on closer look) Oh, my bad ... primer. Alkyd-based. Never comes out in the wash but you already know that. (CATHERINE walks behind the SECURITY GUARD. Her eyes widen as she finds something unexpected.) Catherine: (alarmed) Warrick? (WARRICK goes to stand next to CATHERINE and he sees it, too. There's a large mole on the man's neck, above his shirt collar.) Warrick: You were in that snuff film. Catherine: You stabbed that girl. Security Guard: I let them use the room to make a movie, that's all. Warrick: Yeah, we saw you in the movie. You and your nice mole. Security Guard: The guy threw in another two hundred ($200) if I had s*x with the girl. She was hot, so I figured why not? Did her and left. She was breathing fine. Warrick: So when you came back in the room and you saw the blood on the wall did you think to call the police? Security Guard: I didn't want to lose my job. Catherine: Oh, touching. (to SULIK) Arrest him. Det. Sulik: Turn around. (SULIK cuffs the SECURITY GUARD and leads him out of the lobby.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM is busy stirring something in a large pot on a hot plate.) Teri Miller: (o.s.) I see you're now learning to cook for yourself. (TERI MILLER walks into frame. GRISSOM looks up at her.) Grissom: Well, I had to, Teri. I heard you were married. Hopefully not to a criminalist. (She chuckles.) Teri Miller: You think I'm stupid? He's a teacher. Grissom: Well, congratulations. Teri Miller: Thank you. So what's the special occasion? Grissom: I have someone I'd like you to introduce me to. (GRISSOM pulls out the strainer he's holding and the clean skull with it. TERI leans in and notices something.) Grissom: What, did I miss something? Teri Miller: Actually, yes. (GRISSOM twists his arm and looks on the other side of the skull. He picks up the forceps and removes a cooked beetle.) Grissom: It's a dung beetle. Teri Miller: Probably hid in the nasal cavity. Grissom: The ants ate everything but the exoskeleton. Teri Miller: Mm-hmm. Grissom: So he was probably murdered near some large animals. Maybe a farm or a zoo. Anyway, as to who ... I'll leave that up to you. Teri Miller: (smiles) Will do. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (Back at the Audio/Visual Lab, WARRICK works on the film on the computer. He takes screen captures of the man in the film at two different points of the film. One screen cap is of the man before he sleeps with the woman. The other screen cap is of the man after he sleeps with the woman, just before he kills her and when puts his robe back on.) (He pulls both screen caps side by side on the monitor and does a height estimation of the two men. The computer runs a comparative scale and comes to the conclusion that the man on the left is 5'10.00" tall; and the man on the right is 5'11.75" tall.) Warrick: Damn, Security Guard was telling the truth. There is another guy there. He's almost one and three-quarter inches taller than the security guard. Sara: Our minds must've filled in the negative space. Catherine: Look, the Security Guard just left the room. You see the door shadow right there ... at the foot of the bed. Sara: The camera stopped moving. Warrick: That's because he's not behind it, he's in front of it. Catherine: Well, then, that's our guy. There's got to be some way to I.D. him. Warrick: I have enlarged and re-enlarged every frame. There's no tats, there's no birthmarks, nothing. Catherine: What about the rest of the room? Warrick: The film picks up everything there is to see, Catherine. We've seen everything. Sara: Maybe there's a short end. Warrick: What? Sara: Pornos use short ends of film which means they never know when the film is going to run out. Catherine: Roll out. Camera slows down, the last frame stutters gets hit with more light. (Quick CGI POV to: Front view of a film camera. The camera turns to the side to show the view screen on the bottom. As the reel runs out of film, the picture on the view screen stutters and gets brighter as more light goes through. Camera zooms in on the view screen and shows the bed with blood spatter on the camera lens. The screen stutters and gets even brighter. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Warrick: So there's more visual information on the negative. Catherine: Right. Good editors always cut the roll out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FILM PROCESSING PLACE -- NIGHT] (The FILM PROCESSOR leads CATHERINE and SARA to the room where the bins are kept till collection. Outside, it's raining.) Catherine: So all your editors' cuttings are in there? FILM PROCESSOR (WOMAN): Yep. Negatives and unused dailies. Collection guy comes by once a week. Silver on the film makes it environmentally unsafe for landfill, so ... Sara: Be nice if people were as concerned about the women in these films ... FILM PROCESSOR (WOMAN): I am the one who called y'all, remember? Knock yourselves out, ladies. Sara/Catherine: Thank you. Thank you. (The FILM PROCESSOR leaves them.) Catherine: Bins of sin. (CATHERINE and SARA put their kits down.) Sara: Well, looks like mostly 35 millimeter. Our 16 should've settled ... at the bottom. (CATHERINE grabs the bin and tips it over. She pours all the negatives out on the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT] (NICK examines the tool kit that the "Ant Man" was discovered in. He opens the lid and examines it inside. Inside, he notices something. He finds a piece of metal on the bottom of the kit.) Nick: (quietly) What the heck is that? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (GRISSOM holds the bagged piece of metal that NICK found in the tool box. They walk down the hallway as NICK fills GRISSOM in on the information about the metal.) Grissom: What did trace say? Nick: Carbon steel. There was some rust on it. Grissom: Carbon steel? 19th century. Mostly used for surgical instruments. Nick: Well, you found some stab wounds on the vic, right? Underneath all those ants? Maybe it's somebody's old scalpel. Grissom: This prong-like extension could be part of a repeating pattern. Nick: Geometrical extrapolation? Grissom: That would give us possibilities. Nick: You got a pencil? (NICK turns into the nearest lab. GRISSOM follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK places the metal on a sheet of graph paper. He traces the shape of the piece on the paper.) Nick: From the tip down, the slope looks to be slightly curved. Now, if I extend that trace outward ... (NICK repeats the pattern shape on the paper. It looks ruffled when he's done. He looks at GRISSOM.) Nick: What do you think? Blade of saw ... Grissom: Keep doing the math, maybe we won't have to guess. Nick: You see how the base of the fragment curves downward? Suggesting something circular. (NICK picks up a compass and places the piece of metal on the outside of the circle. He draws the same pattern, only around the circle.) Nick: Repeating pattern. Circular saw, maybe. (GRISSOM picks up the piece and holds it up close to his face.) Grissom: This doesn't seem sharp enough for a saw. (He puts it back down on the paper. NICK picks it up.) Nick: Wait a minute. (smiles) I've seen one of these before, man. A spur ... cheap spur. Grissom: What's that old cowboy expression? Got to see a man about a horse. Nick: (nods) Yeah. Grissom: That reminds me. I've got to see a woman about a face. (GRISSOM leaves the room.) Nick: Yee-haw. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FILM PROCESSING PLACE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and SARA sit on their kits and go through the film strips one by one.) Sara: You notice all the guys in these movies are wearing condoms? Catherine: Yeah, industry policy. Ever since '98. Even have a quarantine list: Who's positive, who's not. And that security guy wore one, too. Pretty surprising for unregulated p0rn. Sara: Maybe she made him wear one. (SARA lifts up a negative and smiles.) Sara: I got it. Catherine: You did? Sara: I got it, I found it. Catherine: Thank god. (SARA hands the strip to CATHERINE and she looks at it.) Catherine: Hot frame, all right. (She shakes her head.) I still can't see who it is. Sara: You can see a little more of the room, though. There's a small table and a lamp in the left corner. (CATHERINE sees it and smiles. She also recognizes the lamp.) Catherine: Good eye, Sara. (Camera zooms into the frame and it changes color.) Catherine: Yeah, that Kitsch lamp. Somebody moved it out to the lobby. I'll have Warrick go back to the hotel and grab it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Close up of the clean skull with markers already stuck on it. TERI MILLER works methodically on reconstructing the skull. GRISSOM watches her over her shoulder.) Grissom: Tissue depth markers. Twenty-one of them, right? Teri Miller: Sixteen actually. Excluding five nasal markers. Grissom: Like I said ... Teri Miller: (smiles) This one's very interesting. (She picks up the skull and turns it around to show GRISSOM.) The occiput the bump on the back center of the head unusually flat. (Dissolve to: TERI securing the molding clay on the skull's chin. She also puts in the skull's left eye.) Teri Miller: The eyes have epicanthal folds. A triangular flap of skin that gives a vaguely asian appearance. (Dissolve to: TERI securing the right ear to the skull.) Teri Miller: You see how the bridge of the nose is poorly developed? Almost too small for the size of his head. Grissom: The ears seem slightly odd. (White flash to: TERI is working on the right ear.) Teri Miller: Like the nose they too, are disproportionate to the head. Almost childlike. (Dissolve to: TERI finishing the face reconstruction and dusting the forehead with a brush.) Teri Miller: These elements are small for the head which, in itself, is almost too short and wide. Your victim was born with trisomy of the twenty-first chromosome. Grissom: Down's syndrome. (Finished, TERI turns the bust around toward the camera. Camera holds on the figure.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (A photo of RANDY TRASCHEL runs through the fax machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] Brass: So I sent out a community fax to every Downs syndrome link in Clark and the surrounding counties. Special Olympics-type groups, societies, schools and I got lucky. Randy Traschel, age 25. Been missing for seventeen months. Grissom: I guess my ants were off a little. (BRASS hands GRISSOM a sheet of paper with RANDY TRASCHEL'S picture and information: [Name: Randy Traschel Address: 2074 Westfall, LV, NV, 89 ... D.O.B.: 02/25/77 Age: 25 Missing: 17 months Last Employer: Las Vegas Ranch ] Grissom: "Last employer: Las Vegas Ranch." (he thinks about it and makes a connection) Horses. (beat) Dung beetles. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RANCH -- DAY] (BRASS, NICK and GRISSOM walks down the front dirt road to the ranch.) Brass: Hey, where's the tote board? Every time I see a horse, I want to place a bet. Smells like Belmont Park, doesn't it? Nick: You ever ridden a horse, Grissom? Grissom: Nope, just roller coaster (They make their way toward the corral where most of the men are. (One of the older men sees them, turns and approaches them.) Pete Banson: Howdy. Pete Banson. Ranch manager. Brass: Howdy. Jim Brass, Las Vegas police. This is Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes of the crime lab. Pete Banson: What seems to be the trouble? (BRASS holds open the picture of RANDY TRASCHEL.) Brass: Have you ever seen this man? Pete Banson: Yeah, he's one of my stall muckers. Hired him about two years ago. A little slow in the head, but got the work done. And all of a sudden, he up and disappeared never heard from him since then. Grissom: Did he ever ride horses for you, Mr. Banson? Pete Banson: No, he just mucked the stalls and went home. Nick: Who mucks your stalls now? Pete Banson: Look, guys, am I in some kind of trouble here? Nick: A former employee of yours was murdered. Now, who mucks? Pete Banson: Enrique. He's an illegal. Brass: Shocking. Where is he? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (WARRICK and CATHERINE go through the short-end frame by frame. WARRICK puts a sheet of paper in front of the camera so that they can better see what they're looking at.) Warrick: There's the lamp I got from the lobby. The bulb is red ... in the film and here. Catherine: Guy thinks he's Zalman King, playing with the lighting. Warrick: I guess he was going for a certain look. (WARRICK turns around and looks at the lamp. Something occurs to him.) Warrick: You know, if I had screwed a hot light bulb I'd probably lick my fingers. Catherine: Saliva. (Quick CGI POV to: A camera close up of someone licking their fingers then twisting the red light bulb off. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Catherine: Guy replaced it with a red bulb. Got residual saliva on it. I'll process for DNA, run it through CODIS. (CATHERINE takes the red light bulb from WARRICK and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (The computer printer beeps. CATHERINE takes the computer results. It's the CODIS match results. She reads it and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. URBAN LAS VEGAS -- DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. SAMPSON RESIDENCE - DAY] (The door bell rings and the front door opens to DET. SULIK and CATHERINE. DET. SULIK holds his badge open.) Det. Sulik: Douglas Sampson? (A man leans against the door frame.) Douglas Sampson: Yeah. Catherine: The same Douglas Sampson who did three years for sexual assault and battery? (DOUGLAS SAMPSON coughs.) Douglas Sampson: Did. Past tense. Det. Sulik: We want to talk to you about a recent homicide at the Mandolin Tower Hotel, off Fremont. Douglas Sampson: I'm working. (Both CATHERINE and DET. SULIK turn around. Standing behind them near the car with WARRICK is the SECURITY GUARD. He looks at DOUGLAS SAMPSON and nods to them.) (They turn back to DOUGLAS SAMPSON.) Catherine: Take a break. (DOUGLAS SAMPSON moves away from the door. DET. SULIK and CATHERINE enter the house.) [INT. SAMPSON RESIDENCE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Douglas Sampson: Take ten. Give it a rest, guys. (The man and the woman in front of the camera put their clothes back on and leave the room.) Catherine: I bet I could guess your exact height. Douglas Sampson: What? Det. Sulik: That guy out front just confirmed you shot a snuff film with this girl at the Mandolin Tower Hotel. Douglas Sampson: I've stayed there over the years. I never saw her with that guy out front. Catherine: We've got you on film, killing her. Douglas Sampson: If you had me from any angle I could be identified you would've arrested me already. Catherine: We've got ourselves a film student here. DOUGLAS SAMPSON: I'm one of the best in adult film and I'm going to be making the jump to mainstream, you watch. Catherine: Financed by a snuff film? Douglas Sampson: You have no right to be in my house. I'm not breaking any laws. I have a permit for adult film production. You leave now or I'm going to file a complaint. (DOUGLAS SAMPSON sniffles and wipes his nose.) Catherine: Getting a cold? Maybe you should raise the heat. I'm sure they wouldn't mind. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAMPSON RESIDENCE - DAY] (CATHERINE and DET. SULIK walk down the front walkway.) Catherine: Hey, what do you got? (WARRICK has been busy examining SAMPSON'S car parked out on the side of the road.) Warrick: This is Sampson's car, right? Some soil up in his wheel well. He washed the tire and forgot the well. Catherine: Butterscotch? Warrick: Yeah. Remember that body dump a couple years back? Catherine: Yeah. Warrick: Down near the Colorado? Catherine: Bidahochy range. Butterscotch-colored soil. Det. Sulik: I'll radio the sheriff up there. And the Park Rangers. Catherine: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS RANCH -- DAY] (BRASS, GRISSOM and NICK question ENRIQUE who is busy working.) Brass: You never met this man? Enrique: No. Brass: Stop the shoveling. Take a closer look. Enrique: All I know about him is they call him "Stubs." Nick: Stubs. What is that, some kind of nickname? Enrique: I guess. I hear the cowboys joking about him. I think they call him that because of his fingers. (GRISSOM walks away and looks around. He picks up the hay fork and looks at its prongs.) Brass: Did the other cowboys ever make fun of him? (NICK looks down at ENRIQUE'S spurs.) Enrique: I really don't know. Nick: Do you ride, Mr. Vasquez? Enrique: Every day. Nick: You wear spurs when you ride? Enrique: When I'm breaking a horse, yes. (GRISSOM listens to the response and walks back to the group.) Brass: You don't call this breaking a horse, do you? Enrique: I forgot to take them off. Nick: I'm going to need to take a look at those spurs, Mr. Vasquez. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (In the lab, GRISSOM takes the spurs out of the plastic evidence bag. One of the teeth is missing. He spins the spur. He picks up the broken piece of metal found in the tool box with the body and matches the two together. Camera zooms in to show that it is a match.) (GRISSOM smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY] (NICK questions PETE BANSON. NICK puts a photograph on the table.) Nick: Enrique said he got those boots an spurs from Hero's Row. Pete Banson: Mm-hmm. That's where the cowboys toss all their unwanted gear. Nick: And they just leave them there for anyone to pick up? Pete Banson: It's either that or Goodwill. Nick: Hmm. Mr. Banson, the pro Rodeo Association banned sharp rowels on spurs back in the early '70s because they were found to be cruel to horses. Pete Banson: Yeah, I know all about that. I don't particularly agree with it 'cause as far as I'm concerned horses are on this earth to service human beings. There's an order to this. Grissom: Well, somebody on your ranch is stuck in the '70s. Do you have any idea who this spur could belong to? Pete Banson: Billy Rattison. Pro bronc rider. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (A cell phone rings. WARRICK answers it.) Warrick: Brown. Det. Sulik: I think we got your snuff film girl. Warrick: Where? Det. Sulik: [CLOSED-CAPTIONED: By the river.] Warrick: Okay, I'll be right there. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVERBED - DAY] (WARRICK makes his way toward the body. OFFICERS stand in the background.) (The body is dirty and covered with grass and debris. It's also wrapped in a large curtain. WARRICK kneels next to the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (Camera opens on the monitor with a close up of SUSAN HODAP'S face. CATHERINE and SARA walk in.) Robbins: Warrick stick you with post? Catherine: He's working evidence from the riverbed. Sara: You going to be able to I.D. her? Robbins: Already did from her dental records. Susan Hodap, 26. Exsanguination from a trans-section of the carotid artery. Slicing stab. Catherine: Any chance of finding any serration marks on the bone? Robbins: To tie to a knife? Eh, that'll entail a boil, but sure, I can try. What I can tell you conclusively is that Susan Hodap was already on borrowed time. I tapped her cerebral spinal fluid didn't wait for a batch, had the lab run it solo. She was HIV positive. (CATHERINE turns and looks at SARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (CATHERINE and SARA sit behind the computer.) Sara: Susan Hodap ... Catherine: There it is. (CATHERINE runs her finger across the screen that reads: Hodap, Susan ... HIV + ...) Catherine: Tested positive six months ago. Sara: I can't believe that p0rn actors' monthly health records are on the internet. Catherine: Yeah, right. The rule is, the actor tests positive twice they go on permanent quarantine. (They find the second listing under May 2002: Hodap, Susan ... HIV + Quarantined ... ) Sara: That's why she ended up in that snuff film. She got bounced out of regular p0rn. Catherine: Walked right into her own death scene. The thing is ... p0rn director may have, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RANCH -- DAY] (GRISSOM and NICK make their way toward BILLY RATTISON'S truck.) Nick: This would be a pretty cool little truck if it weren't for the shiny new toolbox. Grissom: Yeah. And it might be his. (PETE BANSON walks over to them.) Pete Banson: See you boys are back again. Grissom: Mr. Banson, is this Billy Rattison's truck? Pete Banson: Yes, sir. It is. Grissom: We need to speak with him. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RANCH -- DAY] Billy Rattison: I don't know nothing about no damn retard. Grissom: He wasn't a "retard," Mr. Rattison. He had what we call Down's syndrome. Billy Rattison: I don't care what he had. Always sticking his nose where it don't belong. (Quick flashback to RANDY TRASCHEL noticing the snuff box on the corral metal fence. He grabs it and takes it to BILLY RATTISON. He holds it up to him.) Randy Traschel: You left this? Billy Rattison: I left it on the post. I don't want it in my pocket when I ride. (BILLY RATTISON takes the piece of snuff in his mouth and throws it at RANDY TRASCHEL. It hits him in the face.) Randy Traschel: Damn! (RANDY TRASCHEL steps back to wipe it off as the other men watching laugh. End of quick flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: The, uh, toolbox in your truck, is that new? Billy Rattison: Nope. Bought it a couple months ago. Somebody stole the last one. See, we got a big problem with that around here the help walking off with stuff. Grissom: Nick, where did you acquire this photo? Nick: Pro rodeo Association. (GRISSOM takes a photo out of the envelope he's carrying. He shows the photograph to BILLY RATTISON.) Grissom: That is you. Billy Rattison: Yeah. Grissom: Do you remember where this was taken? (BILLY RATTISON takes the picture and looks at it.) Billy Rattison: Looks like bronc finals, Wichita, Kansas. Spent a month there training for the finals. (He gives the photo back to GRISSOM.) Nick: But you live here normally, right? Billy Rattison: (nods) Mm-hmm. Grissom: What month, exactly? (GRISSOM puts the photo in front of BILLY RATTISON again.) Billy Rattison: (sighs heavily) This photo here ... uh, March, 2000. Nick: 19 months ago. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RANCH - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and NICK walk through the stalls to leave the ranch.) Nick: Your ants put the time of death at 19 months Rattison puts being out of town at 19 months yet Randy Traschel's been missing 17 months so... (chuckles) ... now what? Grissom: We need a more precise timeline. Nick: Yeah ... so ... back to the bugs? Grissom: On to the rust. Nick: Ahh. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / LAB --- DAY] (SARA walks through the hallway.) Warrick: (o.s.) Damn. (A flying phonebook flies out of the lab door and hits the floor in front of her with a thud just barely missing her. She turns and enters the lab. WARRICK is inside looking at the curtain hanging in front of him.) Sara: Why are you throwing phone books? Warrick: (frustrated) 'Cause a beaker gets glass all over the place. Sara: What's wrong? Warrick: It's this curtain that the p0rn girl was found wrapped in. I've got no prints, no second donor. I've got nothing to link this p0rn guy to the girl's murder. It's just driving me nuts. Sara: I'm fine. Warrick: I'm sorry. Are you okay? Sara: Yeah. You missed me by a mile. We may have something. Warrick: Really. Sara: Right here. I wanted to show you. (SARA holds up a single film frame negative for WARRICK to look at.) When he's stabbing her, she's bleeding all over him. Warrick: Well, a void proves that, but we still can't prove it's him. Sara: Yeah, but her blood might. Catherine and I suspect transference. She had HIV. Warrick: Well, how are we going to get a sample of Sampson's blood? Sara: Warrant, based on the butterscotch dirt that you found on his car. Warrick: (pleased) Oh. I like that. Sara: You might want to apologize to the phone book. (SARA turns and walks out of the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] (Inside the room, a Lab Tech draws a sample of DOUGLAS SAMPSON'S blood while a detective stands nearby and watches.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (GRISSOM and NICK work on the piece of metal with ARCHIE.) Grissom: We sliced the shard into layers of one hundred microns to measure the level of oxidation. Moisture from the body hits the carbon steel and then corrosion begins. (Quick CGI POV to: Camera zooms from RANDY TRASCHEL'S body in the box and pans down the box from his head to his feet. The camera finds the single piece of metal near his feet, drops of moisture on it.) Grissom: (V.O.) And we can be certain that there was moisture right away. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Nick: So it's like slicing the mold off of bread ... Grissom: ... and measuring it. The rust penetrated the thirteenth layer and just barely in the fourteenth. Archie, run the weather. Archie: National weather service for Las Vegas. Average relative humidity 30.29. Temperature 22.61 Celsius. Grissom: So, corrosion versus time ... Archie: May 2000. Nick: Spur exposure time was exactly 17 months. Grissom: And we can testify to this. Nick: Missing persons was right. The ants were off. Grissom: Yeah, so was Rattison. He was in town. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM puts a photo of the ant-infested body on his desk alongside other photos. He picks up a ruler and puts it down on the table.) (He then takes a rubber band and stretches it between two pencils till he hits eighteen inches, the length between the puncture wounds on the body.) (He holds it at this length, lifts it up and looks at it. Thinking about it, he deliberately tilts the tips of the pencils inward.) (He gets an idea.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RANCH - DAY] (Curly, the bull, with his large horns is contained so that NICK can measure the distance of his horns.) Nick: (shakes his head) Two feet. Grissom: We have reason to believe the wounds that killed Randy Traschel were made by one of your bulls. Pete Banson: That's why we cut the horns, to prevent such. Nick: We're looking for horns with points attached. Grissom: Yeah. We need to see your other bulls. Pete Banson: Curly's the only one I got. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RANCH - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (BILLY RATTISON walks past the corral and sees BRASS, NICK and GRISSOM standing next to his truck.) Billy Rattison: What do you all want now? Brass: We're waiting on you, actually. Mr. Rattison, we have reason to believe you were in town the month that Randy Traschel was murdered. Grissom: Could you tell us what used to be here? (GRISSOM points to a hole in the hood of the truck.) Billy Rattison: My belt buckles. Somebody stole it last year, like I said. Grissom: You do get a lot of stuff stolen, don't you? Mind if we look around your truck? Billy Rattison: Sure. (GRISSOM opens the lid to the tool box and starts looking through it's contents.) Brass: (to BILLY RATTISON) Don't get any tobacco juice on my shoe. (GRISSOM digs and pulls things out. Then he sees it. Under the saddle, he finds a mounted set of bull horns with its points in tact. He takes it out of the box and holds it for NICK to see.) Grissom: Got a tape measure? (NICK measures it from point to point.) Nick: Eighteen inches. Grissom: Phenolphthalein. (NICK tests the horn tips. The swab turns pink.) Nick: Positive for blood. Grissom: Looks like the only thing stolen around here was Randy Traschel's life. (GRISSOM looks behind NICK at BILLY RATTISON.) Grissom: Mr. Rattison, want to explain this? (Quick flashback to: Riding practice at the corral at night. BILLY'S on the bronco. He falls on the ground. When he looks up, he sees RANDY TRASCHEL smiling on the side.) Billy Rattison: (angry and humiliated) What you laughing at, huh? You want to come over here and try it? (RANDY loses his smile. BILLY RATTISON walks up to RANDY.) (Cut to: BILLY ties RANDY'S hand to the bronco saddle. When he's done, he steps back and laughs.) Randy Traschel: No. No.! I didn't mean it! No! (The bronco is let loose. After a moment of hanging on, RANDY falls to the ground, injuring his shoulder. BILLY and the other guys stand on the side and laugh. RANDY gets up clutching his shoulder. He's in pain.) (Cut to: BILLY walking away and RANDY running to catch up with him.) Randy Traschel: Wait, Billy! Wait! (BILLY turns around, grabs RANDY and throws him toward his truck. RANDY hits the bull horns which hang from the hood like an ornament.) (BILLY stops at what he's done.) (Cut to: BILLY putting RANDY'S body in the tool box and trying to close the lid. It won't close, so BILLY sticks his foot inside to push down RANDY'S body so that the lid can close. The spur breaks off.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM walks past BILLY RATTISON. He turns around and leans toward him over his shoulder. BILLY doesn't turn around.) Grissom: By the way, the definition of the word "retard" is "to hinder" or "to hold someone back." I think your life is about to become 'retarded'. (GRISSOM walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY] (CATHERINE and SARA are in the observation room watching DET. SULIK begin to question DOUGLAS SAMPSON.) Det. Sulik: Okay, one more time, for the record: You have never had sexual intercourse with Susan Hodap? Douglas Sampson: I told you, I've never even met her. Det. Sulik: I know, but I got to ask. You've never had s*x with her? Douglas Sampson: Not ever. (CATHERINE smiles. SARA nods her head. They both leave the observation room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERROGATION ROOM -- CONTINUOUS (The door opens. CATHERINE and SARA walk in.) Catherine: You still have those chills, Mr. Sampson? Feeling hot, achy? Back of your throat scratchy? Douglas Sampson: Yeah, it is. Catherine: Original flu happens at the onset of HIV. Seroconversion. Usually presents two to six weeks after the exchange of fluids. Douglas Sampson: Exchange of fluids? Catherine: That temperature is your body working up a resistance to the virus. Douglas Sampson: HIV? Me? Now, come on. You just took my blood a few days ago. Catherine: A private lab can run a virus test within a day. CDC doesn't broadcast that. Tests are very expensive. Sara: We dipped into the budget ... just for you. Douglas Sampson: You're playing me. I don't have HIV. Sara: Susan Hodap had it. The exact same strain that you have. Catherine: We had that lab do what's called a phylogenetic analysis of your HIV's DNA and Susan's. (CATHERINE puts the results on the table in front of DOUGLAS SAMPSON. He looks down at it.) Sara: As you can see, the genes are identical. Which means Susan gave it directly to you. Douglas Sampson: But we never had s*x. Catherine: You did stab her, though. And at that moment (Quick flashback to DOUGLAS SAMPSON in the room after he stabs SUSAN HODAP. Blood splatters on him. Camera zooms in as more blood continues to splatter on DOUGLAS SAMPSON'S face and into his eyes.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... her arterial blood hit your eyes entering your body through the conjunctival membrane. (DOUGLAS SAMPSON raises his hand holding the knife and wiping the blood from his eyes. End of quick flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Non-sexual transmission is extremely difficult but obviously it's possible. (Quick flashback to: Camera close up of the blood on DOUGLAS SAMPSON'S face.) Sara: (V.O.) Susan's blood was absorbed into your bloodstream. (Quick CGI POV to: Camera zooms in to the eye and to SUSAN HODAP'S blood on DOUGLAS SAMPSON'S eye, near and around the blood vessels.) (End of CGI POV. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (DOUGLAS SAMPSON stares at the womeen. He doesn't say anything. Catherine: Where the new HIV cells immediately started attaching to your healthy white blood cells. Gets inside one, replicates about 2,000 times. Disables the host cell, pinches back out, infecting more good cells ... lowering your immune system until your body loses its ability to fight off even the simplest invader. Sara: Of course, the strains will have changed by then and you and Susan Hodap will have a different strain of HIV. The sooner you see a doctor, the better your chances for longevity. Catherine: But for now, we got you. (DOUGLAS SAMPSON says nothing. He's completely surprised by what they're saying.) Catherine: You killed her. (DOUGLAS SAMPSON looks over at SARA.) Sara: I guess she killed you back.

Plan: A: a snuff film; Q: What type of film shows the real murder of a young woman? A: Nick; Q: Who is helping Grissom find the identity of a body found in a tool chest? A: fire ants; Q: What was the body found in the tool chest covered with? Summary: Catherine, Sara and Warrick are left without a body or crime scene when a snuff film shows the real murder of a young woman. Meanwhile Grissom and Nick are trying to find the identity and killer of a body found in a tool chest, covered with fire ants .

TEASER (Open: Roswell, New Mexico. A man is searching for aliens in a desert.) MARVIN: (on phone) I can't hear you-the reception's bad out here. Aliens? I told you baby, I'm done hunting aliens. I am on the road. Yeah, in Florida, yeah. What? No I'm in my hotel room working late. You're just going to have to trust me, babe. Yeah. Well, I'm s- I'm sorry that's the way you feel. A souvenir from Florida. Oh, babe, I can't take a... like, a list right now. Well, there are no pens or pads in this hotel. (Shines flashlight on a body) Oh, my god! Babe! I found one. No, not a pen -- an alien. A real one. Oh, my god, I gotta get a picture of this. (Takes a picture on phone) (Twigs snap and Marvin turns around.) MARVIN: What's that?! Baby, there's more of them. I come in peace. I'm Marvin Breekman but you can call me Marvin. Or Marv. (Screams and runs away) Oh, my god, oh, my god! [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office) WENDELL: I made reservations at the club. DJ Spider tonight, then back to my place? ANGELA: I'm not sure if I can wait for tonight. WENDELL: Okay, I was fine until you just said that. ANGELA: You know, I have a key to the Egyptian storage room. WENDELL: Not on campus, not at work. ANGELA: Come on, are you really as virtuous as you seem? WENDELL: I can be very bad when the time is right. (They kiss.) WENDELL: We do get a very generous lunch break, and there's a little hotel a few blocks away. ANGELA: Wow, Mr. Bray. (Cam enters.) WENDELL: Dr. Saroyan, I was just asking Angela if she could do some 3D modeling of a shattered femur that I was given by the archaeology department. (Hands Angela a folder) CAM: Save it, Mr. Bray. You think you have the big secret, but you don't. (Hands Wendell a folder) ANGELA: I thought we were being subtle. WENDELL: Oh man, do you think Hodgins knows? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Desert in Roswell, New Mexico. Booth and Brennan are walking to the body.) BOOTH: Can you imagine if we found an alien - a real one? BRENNAN: You mean someone who slipped illegally into the country from Mexico or Canada? BOOTH: Come on Bones, you don't believe that there are other real life-forms out there? BRENNAN: Well, the probability is very high but any aliens visiting this planet would have sufficient intelligence not to die in the middle of the desert. (Brennan and Booth approach Sheriff Jerry Bonds.) BOOTH: Hey. FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. This here is Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. BONDS: Sheriff Jerry Bonds. But you probably got that from my shiny badge, my imposing gun and my big hat. BOOTH: Yeah, right. BONDS: Remains are right over there. (Bonds, Booth and Brennan walk over to the body.) BOOTH: Looks like an alien to me. BRENNAN: Judging by the pelvic inlet and the pubic symphysis-female, maybe 30 years old. BOOTH: Earth female? BRENNAN: Yes. Body moisture was trapped by this silver coat she's wearing, turning some of her fat into adipocere. I have no idea why it's so hard. BONDS: Didn't even dig a shallow grave. Just left her here to be eaten. BRENNAN: Which is the smartest possible way to get rid of human remains. (Marsha approaches with shotgun pointed at Brennan and Booth.) MARSHA: What the hell is going on here now? BOOTH: Oh, easy, FBI. Put the shotgun down, ma'am. MARSHA: This is my land. I've got a right to protect my land. BONDS: Yeah, uh huh, Marsha, but we got a dead body. (Takes shotgun from Marsha) A woman, seems like. MARSHA: Great. Now I've got dead people. BOOTH: You don't know anything about this? MARSHA: Nope. BRENNAN: I want the remains brought back to the Jeffersonian for examination. BONDS: Nuh uh, not gonna happen. My jurisdiction, my body. She stays here. BOOTH: No, FBI has got jurisdiction on this case. (to Brennan) You want it, right? BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: The FBI will keep you apprised. BONDS: Nuh-uh, FBI's got jurisdiction only if I agree. Otherwise, you need to jump through several legal hoops, which will take some time, during which time the victim stays in town. BRENNAN: Then why did you call us? BONDS: I could use the help, but I'm not going to take the heat when people scream I sent an alien off to Washington for secret testing. (Laughs) I've been through that before. BRENNAN: These remains are not extraterrestrial. (Victim's cell phone rings: X-Files theme song.) BRENNAN: It's a cell phone. BOOTH: You hope. [SCENE_BREAK] (Opening credits) [SCENE_BREAK] Act I (Todd Copps Medical Center in Roswell, New Mexico) BONDS: I traced the cell phone to the guy who found the remains. I'm holding him on trespassing charges. This is part of our hospital that got shut down. It's a perfect place for you to look at the remains. BRENNAN: I need to send samples back to the lab. BONDS: Yeah, uh-huh, but the big body part stays here. Now, the remains are in here and Mr. Breekman's at my office if you want to come with me, Agent Booth. Ma'am. (Tips hat at Brennan) BOOTH: Hey, you're going to be okay here all alone in this spooky hospital with a dead alien body? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Right. That would be me who wouldn't want that. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Brennan in medical center lab, connected via laptop with Cam at Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform) BRENNAN: The remains are encased in adipocere. CAM: If it's okay with Sheriff Lobo, maybe you could send me some. BRENNAN: It appears to be petrified. CAM: A coat alone doesn't count for that. BRENNAN: I'll send the coat to Hodgins, see what he can discern from it. Her skeletal robusticity and large areas of muscle attachment suggest extremely good health. CAM: A couple weeks in the desert and no critters got at these remains? WENDELL: Perhaps the result of green radiation from alien hyper drive systems? Or something not crazy. BRENNAN: The man who found them remarked that he saw several sets of orange eyes staring at him from the darkness. WENDELL: Orange-eyeballed aliens? BRENNAN: Tapetum lucidum of the American coyote glows orange when light strikes the retina. What he saw were likely coyotes, not orange-eyeballed aliens. Oh, you were being facetious. That's funny. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Booth in interrogation room, connected via laptop to Sweets - in Sweets' Office) SWEETS: Wearing your earpiece, he's not going to be able to hear me so I can help you with your interrogation. Some people who chase UFOS believe in alien abductions. Now, these people tend to be dreamy, highly suggestible, and possess a strong belief that there is something larger than them out there, something that they can't control. MARVIN: Look, I only found the body. I didn't make it dead. SWEETS: Okay, that's very dissociative language: 'make it dead.' BOOTH: So, Mr. Breekman, you were abducted by aliens five years ago? MARVIN: Yes. BOOTH: If aliens are so advanced, why would they need probes? MARVIN: I think they like it. BOOTH: Why would you hook up with aliens if they like to anally probe you? MARVIN: there are two races of aliens and they do not see eye to eye. BOOTH: Right. MARVIN: I know things. I get laughed at but I persist because I know things. It just seems like maybe I deserve a little respect for that. BOOTH: All right, of course. I apologize. MARVIN: Okay, then, can I go home? BOOTH: Why were you in the desert last night? MARVIN: I was looking for UFOs. BOOTH: No, I mean to that specific area. I mean, what are the changes of you stumbling across a body in the dark... SWEETS: The vastness. BOOTH: ... the vastness of the desert. You really want me to believe that that's some kind of big coincidence? MARVIN: Yes, it was a coincidence. BOOTH: I don't believe you. I think you're lying. SWEETS: Sometimes I think you just pull me into these interrogations to show off. Wait, Booth, I- (Booth closes the laptop.) BOOTH: Until you tell the truth, you know what? You're not going home. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Hotel room, Angela and Wendell in bed.) ANGELA: You have something on your mind? WENDELL: This thing that we have going here... ANGELA: You're worried about Cam knowing? WENDELL: No, no. I'm worried about Hodgins not knowing. ANGELA: Listen, Wendell, Hodgins and I are in the past. WENDELL: I mean, if you were really, totally in the past, then we wouldn't be keeping this a secret from him. ANGELA: Do you want me to tell Hodgins? WENDELL: If you don't mind, I'd like to do it. He's my friend. ANGELA: A man-to-man, look-him-in-the-eye kind of thing? WENDELL: Yeah, something like that. ANGELA: (laughs) Okay, let's do it your way. (They kiss) WENDELL: You mean, talk to Hodgins or...? ANGELA: You're the worst. Both. Consider this a do-over. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: hallway in Todd Copps Medical Center - Booth is walking down the hallway and Delmy joins him.) DELMY: Do you know who I am? BOOTH: Oh, no, do you know who I am? DELMY: FBI? Military intelligence? That's an oxymoron, you know, a term that contradicts itself. I'm Delmy Polanco. I'm the most important UFO blogger in the world. BOOTH: 'Important blogger.' Talk about an oxymoron. DELMY: What can you tell me about the alien body? BOOTH: I don't know anything about the alien body. DELMY: Definitely FBI. I can practically smell the suit. BOOTH: I don't wear a suit all the time, you know. BONDS: I see you've met Delmy. DELMY: I'm looking for info into a foil-wrapped body with alien features, pieces of which have already been sent to the Jeffersonian Institution in Washington, D. C. I'm invoking the Freedom of Information Act, which means you have to tell me what I want to know. BONDS: The Freedom of Information Act is not a magic spell, Delmy. It merely gives a citizen the right to request information. DELMY: I'm gonna post all this on my blog tonight and by tomorrow morning, this whole town will be swarming with UFO nuts. BONDS: Trespassing again? Well, this facility is clearly marked private property. (Shakes handcuffs at Delmy) BOOTH: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Todd Copps Medical Center - MRI Room - Booth enters.) BRENNAN: Oh, good, you got here for the good stuff. BOOTH: What good stuff? BRENNAN: MRI. It's an older model but entirely serviceable. BOOTH: Okay, for future reference, that's not the good stuff. BRENNAN: Well, sure it is. Look at all those remodeled lateral malleolus fractures. (Points to the computer) (Skeleton starts to rise up towards the MRI machine.) BRENNAN: Also, signs of inflammation to the tannin fibers here and damaged... (Notices skeleton moving and screams) (Booth takes out his gun, tries to shoot skeleton but gun flies toward the MRI machine. Brennan turns off MRI machine, gun and skeleton drop to the ground.) BOOTH: You know, I won't say anything about the scream if you don't say anything about the gun. BRENNAN: Those terms are satisfactory. BOOTH: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II (Brennan in Todd Copps Medical Center - Lab, connected via laptop to Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform with Cam, Hodgins and Wendell. BRENNAN: (taking bullets out of the victim's skull) That's five. HODGINS: Too big to be buckshot. Photos you sent of the first one show to be a ball bearing approximately 17.5 millimeters. BRENNAN: That makes number six. CAM: Certainly enough metal to generate the magnetism to raise the remains when exposed to the MRI. HODGINS: Well, when I receive them, I might be able to ID the manufacturer and intended use, which I imagine was not murder. (Angela enters) ANGELA: Hey. I finished the facial reconstruction off the MRI. I'm emailing it now. Sorry - it is not an alien. WENDELL: I noticed on the MRI that the victim's patellas were fractured. BRENNAN: Well, I'll swab the area, and send the samples with the ball bearings. HODGINS: Well, there's no striations on the ball bearings in this photo you sent so there's no evidence that they were shot. CAM: Shotgun, maybe? Full of ball bearings? BRENNAN: Well, the owner of the ranch threatened us with a shotgun. (moves to take off her gloves) CAM: Not so fast, Dr. Brennan. I know you dislike flesh, but I'm going to need you to remove the adipocere organs. WENDELL: Oh, Dr. Brennan dealing with flesh. HODGINS: Like a cat dealing with water. BRENNAN: Flesh is not my strength. CAM: You're gonna need a hair dryer and some cooking spray. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Roswell, New Mexico - field on edge of Marsha's property.) MARSHA: Yep, I've caught her trespassing on my ranch a bunch of times. That's El Crazerita. BOOTH: El Crazerita. You know her real name? MARSHA: Nope. I don't make friends with these nuts. BOOTH: Sheriff Bonds says you've been charged with misdemeanor assault with a firearm about three times. MARSHA: Someone cut through this fence, Agent Booth. They were trespassers, which is why I was never convicted. BOOTH: Even though you shot at them? MARSHA: Salt. BOOTH: Salt? MARSHA: Salt. Rock salt. Stings like a sumbitch. Discourages trespassing. BOOTH: You ever use ball bearings instead of salt? MARSHA: Ball bearings? That'd rip somebody apart. BOOTH: Hmm. Like when you took a shot at, uh, ol' El Crazerita? MARSHA: You think I killed her? You think I'm dumb enough to spend my life in prison for killing some alien head nut who spent all her time shooting stupid videos? BOOTH: Videos? Videos of what? MARSHA: Videos of everything. Looking for spacemen. You wanna know about her? Ask Blaine Miller at the Space Place Café. She was always hanging out at his diner with the other fruitcakes. BOOTH: Sure. Tell you what, I'll take a look at your shotgun there and run some tests. You know, just to make sure. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Brennan at Todd Copps Medical Center - Lab, connected via laptop with Cam at Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Cam's Office. Brennan is taking apart the organs from the victim.) BRENNAN: I did it! CAM: Very good, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Yes, it was. CAM: Now, remove the stomach. BRENNAN: Oh. (Hodgins enters.) HODGINS: She was covered in ethyl parathion and aldicarb. It was all over her space-age outerwear. It's an insecticide. It's extremely illegal in the U.S., but it's still sold south of the border. It explains why the adipocere dried so quickly. CAM: So our victim was using a dangerous insecticide. Not unusual for someone who's a couple of tacos short of a combo plate. HODGINS: Nice metaphor. CAM: Thanks. BRENNAN: I found something. It's a memory card tied to a string. It appears to be dental floss. CAM: Check her teeth. Any evidence of floss still on her teeth? BRENNAN: Yes. There's a fragment tied to the left second premolar. CAM: She was hiding the card. It's an old prison trick. She tied one end of the floss to her tooth and the other end to the memory card, so if she needed it, she could use the floss to pull it up. BRENNAN: I'll overnight the card to Angela. Whatever is on it was important enough to hide. HODGINS: My guess, it's important enough to kill for. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Hodgin's Office. Hodgins is working and Wendell enters.) WENDELL: Hey, Hodgins. HODGINS: Hey, man, did you hear? Brennan's sending the victim's SD card from Roswell. Probably video on there the government wanted suppressed. Because at Area 51... WENDELL: Right, um. Look, do you have a second? HODGINS: Sure, yeah. Something wrong? WENDELL: We're friends, right? HODGINS: Yeah. WENDELL: I don't lie, or keep things from my friends. HODGINS: Okay, all right. WENDELL: Angela and I... HODGINS: Oh. (laughs) You're kidding, right? Go ahead, kid. Knock yourself out. Hey, good luck with that. WENDELL: Hodgins, what I'm trying to tell you is that my luck has already been good. HODGINS: Oh. WENDELL: I would never want you to think that I... HODGINS: No, no, Wendell, Wendell, stop, stop, stop. It's been over between Angela and me for a long time. I have moved on. And you know what? I'm happy for you, you know? And for her. WENDELL: Really? HODGINS: Yes, really. You're both my friends. Why wouldn't I be happy for you? WENDELL: I don't... okay. Thanks man. HODGINS: of course. I'll tell you what, hey, why don't the three of us grab lunch together, huh? This is a good thing Wendell, this should not be weird for us. WENDELL: Yeah, yeah, sure, lunch. That sounds great man. HODGINS: Great, good, good. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Booth's car - Interior) BRENNAN: The stomach acid ate away at the card, but Angela says she should be able to pull something off of it. BOOTH: Well, Vinton said El Crazerita shot a lot of video. Maybe she filmed the real thing. BRENNAN: What, an extraterrestrial? BOOTH: Yeah, look, you said it was possible, all right? But they have big eyes and big heads, you know, for the super smart brain. BRENNAN: That's far more logical if they had the eyes of flies and the exoskeleton of a cockroach. BOOTH: Insect people? Insects can't fly a spaceship. BRENNAN: Well, the cockroach is an evolutionary marvel. They can withstand radiation, live without breathing for almost an hour, go without eating for weeks. Imagine that combined with an intelligence that evolved over many millennia. BOOTH: Plus, they do have extra arms. BRENNAN: Hmm. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Space Place Café, Booth and Brennan enter and wander around.) BOOTH: Wow, would you look at this place? Wow, this is so cool. (reads from pamphlet) 'UFO Museum Research Center.' Check this out. Look at those guns. No way, Bones! Look at this. Rocketship 7. Hey, I used to watch that when I was a little boy. The Sweetlees , and there was Mr. Beeper and Promo the Robot. BRENNAN: Well, the way this craft is designed, it could never leave the earth's atmosphere. BOOTH: Yeah, but according to Dave Thomas and Rocketship 7, you would go on adventures like no other. (Blaine Miller walks up from behind.) MILLER: You two looking for aliens? The name's Blaine Miller. BOOTH: Not exactly. (shows FBI badge) BLAINE: Oh. You hear about that body they found up at Vinton's place? BRENNAN: We never mentioned a body, Mr. Miller. MILLER: Nothing travels faster than the speed of light than gossip in a small town. TOURIST WOMAN: Excuse me, sir? Why are all these radios on? MILLER: Well, this is some of the original equipment that picked up the signal from the craft that landed right here in Roswell. TOURIST WOMAN: Dave, these are the radios that heard the aliens! (she leaves) BRENNAN: But that's absurd, why would she believe you? MILLER: Because they travel all the way to Roswell to believe in aliens, just like everybody else. BRENNAN: Do you recognize this woman, Mr. Miller? (shows a picture of the victim) MILLER: Sure. This is Ursula Lapine. She's a regular. She the one who's dead? BRENNAN: When was the last time you saw her? MILLER: Maybe a month ago. She was having an argument with another woman. I had to tell her to keep it down. BOOTH: And who was this other woman? MILLER: I don't know. I never saw her before. African-American, good looking. In a suit. BOOTH: This woman, Ursula, she live around here? MILLER: Outside of town. She's in one of those shiny, spaceship-type trailers. TOURIST WOMAN: I think I hear something. I think I hear a spaceship. BRENNAN: (laughs) Oh. She was serious? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Lapine's Trailer - exterior.) BOOTH: This must be the space - spacey-looking trailer. (They approach the trailer.) BRENNAN: Oh, one of the windows is broken. BOOTH: All right. Stay behind me, Bones. (pulls out his gun and investigates the trailer.) (Brennan finds a cinder block in the bushes with blood on it.) BOOTH: Bones, I think you need to see this. BRENNAN: And you need to see this. There's blood on it. BOOTH: Could have been what busted her knees. You gotta check this out. (Booth and Brennan enter the trailer.) BRENNAN: She seems very thorough. BOOTH: Mmm. The word loony come to mind? BRENNAN: This is a remarkably well-researched wall for a crazerita. BOOTH: Crazerita is right. What about this here? Look. Check this out. BRENNAN: Something was taken. BOOTH: Maybe that's why Ursula was killed. BRENNAN: Well, this cinder block was obviously used in an assault. We have to analyze the blood. BOOTH: You know what? Maybe we can pull a print off the block like this... all right, watch this. This... that is magic. (pulls finger prints off the cinder block using pencil, paper and tape) BRENNAN: Science. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office.) CAM: (enters) Did you have any luck? Was the data damaged? ANGELA: Uh, a bit. There might be still a few corrupted frames. CAM: So, it's video. ANGELA: Yeah, but I think it's gonna play. (Video starts.) ANGELA: Oh, my god, is that what I think it is? And are those... CAM: No. Impossible. This was doctored. ANGELA: No, it isn't. This was verified by the scanning software at a pixel level CAM: Are you saying our victim might have stumbled on a real UFO? [SCENE_BREAK] Act III (Brennan and Booth at Todd Copps Medical Center, connected via laptop to Angela at Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office.) ANGELA: So, assuming that the figures in the Hazmat suits are of average height, then the structure here must be about four to five meters tall. BOOTH: Why is the ground glowing? ANGELA: Uh, the light seems to be emitting from a spilled liquid. BOOTH: UFO fuel. BRENNAN: What are those two humanoid shapes there, between the Hazmat-suited humans and the craft? ANGELA: Well, look, I'm gonna keep working on this footage, but you guys have to admit that this makes the hairs on your arm stand on end, right? (Brennan and Booth look at their arms.) BRENNAN: The hairs on my arm are not reacting in any way. But thanks, Angela. (closes laptop) It's not a spaceship. BOOTH: Well, if it smells like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... BRENNAN: But then it would be a duck, not a spaceship, so your point escapes me. BOOTH: It's just a metaphor. (Delmy and Bonds enter.) DELMY: Have you decided to let me go? BOOTH: No, actually, we have a few more questions. You ever been out to Ursula Lapine's trailer? DELMY: No. BRENNAN: Oh, we have evidence that you're lying. BONDS: Yep, you fell into that one, Delmy. BRENNAN: We have your fingerprints on a cinder block that was used to break into her trailer. Also, blood. BOOTH: And you took something off her wall. DELMY: If I give it to you, will you drop the trespassing charges and let me go? BONDS: If you don't hand it over, I'll just charge you with obstructing justice, and he'll charge you with interfering with a Federal investigation. Eh, maybe even murder and you will pray for the good old days, where all you were worrying about were those silly little trespassing and burglary charges. BRENNAN: I find he's very useful in certain situations. BOOTH: Very useful. So, gonna hand 'em over? (Delmy takes what was stolen out of her blouse and hands it to Bonds.) BONDS: Oh. Holy cow. Pay dirt. I gotta get better at friskin'. DELMY: I'm gonna need a copy for my article. 'UFO-Obsessed Woman Dies in Alien Encounter.' [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform) HODGINS: So the swab from the victim's damaged patellas show traces of sediment but it's not cement. CAM: So what hit her knees wasn't cinder block? HODGINS: No, the sediment is gypsum, dating back to the Pleistocene and Holocene eras. It's probably from the Tularose or Estancia Basins. CAM: Mexico? HODGINS: Yeah. Northern Mexico is the closest occurrence of this rock. Here's an interesting conjunction of possibilities: the insecticide that she was soaked in, it's called 'Tres Pasitos.' It's not available in the United States. CAM: Is it available in Mexico? HODGINS: (hands Cam a folder) Readily. CAM: Excellent. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office) ANGELA: So, I took the information that you gave me, and it looks as through the projectiles first impacted next to the juncture between the frontal and parietal bones. WENDELL: So, the bearings entered beneath her chin, then ricocheted around in her skull? ANGELA: Yeah, that seems to make the most sense. WENDELL: But I've never heard of any projectiles that would enter at that range and not fracture the skull. ANGELA: Well, what about, like, slow moving projectiles? Maybe a paintball gun? WENDELL: A little more powerful than that, but not much. Time for lunch. ANGELA: Oh. To prove we're all fine? WENDELL: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Royal Diner - Interior. Hodgins, Angela and Wendell are having lunch. Sweets enters to grab lunch.) HODGINS: You guys can hold hands, if you want. Eat off each other's plates. I mean, any and all of that kind of gooey romanticism is completely fine by me. ANGELA: We know, Hodgins. WENDELL: I'm not really the public display kind of guy. HODGINS: I'm just saying you don't need to be afraid or... (Wendell kisses Angela. Sweets notices and stares.) HODGINS: There. See? My head did not explode. ANGELA: Um, I'm not really okay with being kissed when it's not about me. WENDELL: Sorry. Panicked, but everything's fine, right? Everything's fine. (Sweets approaches.) SWEETS: Everything's not fine. This is a fraught situation. It's important to face these things head-on. HODGINS: Sweets, there's nothing to face, okay? I mean, we can see why you'd think that but we're all fine. ANGELA: I am fine, fine. WAITRESS: Lance, your order's ready. SWEETS: Thanks. (Grabs sack of food and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Desert in Roswell, New Mexico) MARVIN: Why are we here? BRENNAN: We want to know what brought you out here the night you found Ursula's body. MARVIN: I told you, I was out UFO spotting. BOOTH: And I told you I don't believe in that big of a coincidence. How long were you and Ursula lovers? (Holds up a picture) Go ahead, take a look. MARVIN: (looking at the picture) Oh, my god. Ursula understood. She believed. My wife thought I was crazy. BOOTH: What makes this patch of desert any different to you than any other patch of desert? MARVIN: This is where we were when we first saw the lights. BRENNAN: Where did you see the lights? MARVIN: Beyond those hills. (Points) Hot spheres, very clear. Ursula and I saw them together. BOOTH: How far? MARVIN: Maybe two kilometers. BRENNAN: That would be Mexico. MARVIN: We were going to check it out together next time I came through town. We'd meet every few weeks. BOOTH: So you and Ursula were true believers. MARVIN: Not really. Ursula, she was convinced that if she could find proof of alien visitation, it would make her rich. BOOTH: What happened to her, Marvin? Really. What do you think? MARVIN: I think she came out here without me. Maybe she thought I wanted half her money. She maybe saw the lights and crossed over and they took her, experimented on her and then dumped Ursula in the desert like the cold, heartless scientists that they are. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office) ANGELA: So the footage was pretty rough as you saw, so I ran an application to counteract the motion of the camera with opposite movement. Then I translated each pixel of the infrared spectrum into a pixel of the visible color spectrum. CAM: Okay, let's see it. (Video plays.) CAM: Well that's a lot more terrestrial than I expected. HODGINS: Two tanker trucks, some sort of digger. CAM: And this is a hose. What do you think, three inches? That's the source of the glowing liquid. ANGELA: Yeah, but what about the alien things? HODGINS: Fremontodendron mexicanum. It's Mexican flannelbush. CAM: Weird, glowing liquid in the Mexico desert. Hazmat suits. HODGINS: Whoa! They must've been dumping chemicals illegally. CAM: Oop, she fell. That must've been where she fractured her knees. HODGINS: Yeah, but she still managed to get away. You guys see what happened? She was out looking for UFOs, but found this instead. These guys killed her. ANGELA: You know, I think I liked this all better when it was aliens. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV (Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Hodgin's Office.) HODGINS: So I was able to clarify the chemiluminescent signature of the materials being dumped in the video. Manganese and sodium borohydride. Used in the manufacture of batteries. CAM: Can you get a specific manufacturer from that? HODGINS: I did. Innatron. Mexican flannelbush is on the verge of extinction, right? Innatron has a plant located smack-dab in the middle of the last remaining flannelbush population here in Juarez and they use manganese and sodium borohydride. CAM: Wow. HODGINS: Hmm. (Cam leaves and Hodgins sees Wendell and Angela joking around outside of the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: FBI - Sweets' Office. Hodgins walks in.) SWEETS: Dr. Hodgins, I'm kind of in the middle of... HODGINS: You were right, Sweets. Everything is not fine. (Sits on the couch and then lays down) It's not fine at all. SWEETS: This is a good time. HODGINS: Don't know if I want to crawl into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck. SWEETS: You know, it's natural to have those feelings. HODGINS: But I'm a better man than this. I mean, I want to be happy for them. You know, I really do. SWEETS: Well, it's easier for us to accept loneliness as long as the person we were once with is also alone. HODGINS: When she finds happiness with someone else, oh, man, it's like being stabbed in the heart. SWEETS: It's the human condition. You know, it's why there are so many movies and plays and songs and poems. HODGINS: Yeah, yeah, art, art. (Sits up) I get it. What do I do? SWEETS: Well, first, you need to figure out what you want. HODGINS: I want to not be filled with anger and pain and resentment. I don't want to be jealous. SWEETS: Do you want Angela back? I don't think you're jealous. (Gets up and sits next to Hodgins on the couch.) I think that you're grieving what you've lost. HODGINS: Grieving? As in grief? SWEETS: Yes. HODGINS: Oh, man, the only thing that cures grief is time. Unless you're recommending a lot of alcohol. SWEETS: I can't really recommend alcohol. HODGINS: Man, that'd be great if you could, though, right? SWEETS: I recommend time. HODGINS: So, just smile and act like a good guy? SWEETS: You are a good guy. HODGINS: You know, there was a time that I thought Angela and I would be together forever. Can I just sit here for a minute? SWEETS: Yeah, take all the time you need. (Pats Hodgins on the shoulder and sits there with him.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office) CAM: There is nothing in this video that indicates what kind of weapon was used to kill the victim. ANGELA: Yeah, it's true. It doesn't look like anybody's armed. Now, I was able to salvage some of the audio track. CAM: That's just white noise. ANGELA: Yeah, I know, but I scrubbed the background and separated the different frequencies, and then I amplified the resulting file. VIDEO: Yo estoy encargada. Y si no lo terminas antes del amanecer te arrepentiras. CAM: That's Spanish. ANGELA: Yeah, I know. We're gonna have to get a translator. CAM: No, I was a cop and coroner in New York City, so I speak some. Can you play that back? ANGELA: Yeah. VIDEO: Yo estoy encargada. Y si no lo terminas antes del amanecer te arrepentiras. CAM: "I'm in charge. If you don't get this done before sunrise, you'll regret it." VIDEO: Yo estoy encargada. CAM: She's not from Mexico, though. ANGELA: You can tell that? CAM: The way she says "estoy" and "arrepentiras." The Puerto Rican cops used to make fun of me when I pronounced my "T"s and "P"s like that. ANGELA: So you think that... CAM: Yeah. The speaker is definitely American. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Booth's car - Interior) BOOTH: Ursula thought she was filming a UFO crash site? BRENNAN: But she ended up with footage of an American dumping toxic waste in the Mexican desert. (opens a folder) Rachel Adams. BOOTH: American? BRENNAN: Yes. She's an Innatron executive, in charge of waste management. She's based in Juarez, Mexico. BOOTH: African-American. BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Well, the other of the diner said that the victim was seen arguing with an African-American businesswoman. BRENNAN: Huh. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform) HODGINS: So we put together a range of weapons which might fire ball bearings at a velocity congruent with the damage done to the inside of our victim's skull. WENDELL: Okay, we have a paintball gun, an air rifle, a BB gun, and a PVC pipe zip gun. (They walk into a lab room with the guns pointed at melons with Hodgin's, Wendell's, Angela's and Cam's face on them.) WENDELL: Each modified to fire six 17.5-millimeter ball bearings. Melons lined with paraffin and filled with dense agar gelatin which mimics skull and brain matter. CAM: What's with the faces? HODGINS: Uh, yeah, we, um, well, I guess I kind of got inspired. CAM: Inspired? HODGINS: All right, goggles, everyone. (Wendell and Hodgins start the experiment.) HODGINS: All right, okay. So the paintball gun bearing didn't have enough force to get through my skull. ANGELA: That's too bad. WENDELL: I'm next! HODGINS: Uh, uh! I'll shoot you. Whoa! That was way too much damage. That blew your head clear off. CAM: I don't know if anyone should enjoy their work this much. ANGELA: Mmm. WENDELL: You and Dr. Saroyan are still in the running. HODGINS: Oh, I got it. WENDELL: (examining a melon) Not enough force to kill Dr. Saroyan. Whoa! Angela, the balls are rattling but your head is still intact! ANGELA: Call that thing by my name one more time. I dare you. HODGINS: It was a zip gun. WENDELL: A perfect, untraceable, cheap weapon, easily homemade. HODGINS: That was fun. ANGELA: Boys. CAM: You got that right. (Cam and Angela leaves. Hodgins laughs and Wendell leaves.) HODGINS: Wanna do it again? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Innatron HQ in Juarez, Mexico - Exterior) ADAMS: I have an appointment, Agent Booth. I don't have to answer your questions. We follow all of the rules set forth by the EPA and environmental restrictions in the NAFTA treaty. BOOTH: Right. On paper. ADAMS: I resent that. BOOTH: We have witnesses at Roswell who said that they saw you arguing with the witness on the day that she was murdered. ADAMS: Did your witness tell you what we were arguing about? BRENNAN: (pulls out a laptop and plays the video that Angela worked on) You were trying to buy video footage Ursula had taken of you illegally dumping toxic waste. BOOTH: She thought she had real footage of a UFO, so unfortunately for you, she didn't give it up. ADAMS: I work for a major corporation that's just signed a billion dollar deal with the Mexicans. You think you can extradite me? Take your best shot. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Booth's car - Interior) BRENNAN: Here comes something. BOOTH: What's it say? BRENNAN: It says that Innatron contracts its waste disposal to an independent contractor. BOOTH: Is it owned by a shell company? BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. North Domesticas, yes. BOOTH: Well, you know, we'll get D. C. on it, but I'm going to tell you right now. I already know who owns that shell company. BRENNAN: Rachel Adams? BOOTH: Yep. Innatron pays the shell company hundreds and thousands of dollars to get rid of the waste and Rachel and her crew, they just dump it in the desert and pocket the money. BRENNAN: Well, Ursula Lapine thinks she's photographing extraterrestrial contact, they catch her, she ends up dead. BOOTH: Well, why would she turn down the money in the diner and then agree to meet out in the desert? BRENNAN: Perhaps that's where they agreed to swap the video for the money. BOOTH: I guess. BRENNAN: Oh, you say "Yeah, I guess," but you mean, "I don't think so." BOOTH: Rachel lives in Juarez. I mean, she could get herself an untraceable gun, what, in like 15 minutes? Instead she shows up with a homemade zip gun? That doesn't make sense. Right? (Brennan calls Hodgins, in his office.) HODGINS: Hodgins. BRENNAN: Hodgins... HODGINS: Oh, hey, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: No, Hodgins, it's not me, it's Booth. BOOTH: Okay, Hodgins, could we just focus on the ball bearings. HODGINS: Yeah, what about them? BOOTH: Could you trace them in Innatron? HODGINS: No. BRENNAN: Well, how can you be so sure? HODGINS: Because they're obsolete. They were manufactured in the '40s and the '50s BOOTH: For what? HODGINS: Roller skates, fishing reels, yo-yos, turntables... BRENNAN: Toys? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Space Place Café, Booth and Brennan walk in with Bonds.) MILLER: Hey, I'm just closing up. I turned off the grill about a half an hour ago. BOOTH: Oh, we, uh. BONDS: No, were not here to eat, Blaine. BOOTH: Any of these work back here? MILLER: Yeah. The disruptor there from Gamma-Gamma six. BRENNAN: Why isn't this solar system working? MILLER: 'Cause it's sixty years old. What is with you people? BOOTH: Well, we, uh. BONDS: You overheard Rachel offering Ursula payoff money, didn't you, Blaine? MILLER: What? No. I didn't. BRENNAN: You told us you had to ask them to keep it down. BOOTH: (to Bonds) How come you don't interrupt Bones? BONDS: I'm a gentleman. BOOTH: How much did you... BONDS: How much did Rachel offer? Ten grand? 20? But Ursula thought that she had proof of alien life. How much did she ask for? A million bucks? (Brennan takes a knife and starts unscrewing a screw in the solar system model.) MILLER: Hey, you just can't take stuff like that. You need a warrant. BOOTH: I'll get a warrant. BONDS: Oh, no, no, no. We don't need a warrant. We're just playing. Yeah, like the sign says. (Sign reads: play all you want, but you break it, you buy it.) BONDS: I figure what happens is you told Ursula you could get her millions. BOOTH: You arranged to... BONDS: Yeah, you arranged to meet out in the desert, told her to bring the video, you'd bring the buyer. BRENNAN: He's trying to take your credit. BOOTH: Eh, he's just being talkative. Can you hand me those ball bearings there, will you? (puts ball bearings into a toy gun) Look at that, they seem to fit perfectly. MILLER: Come on, that's just a toy. You couldn't hurt a flea with that. (Booth aims at the gumball machine and shoots. Gumballs go flying.) BRENNAN: Yes, that would be the murder weapon. MILLER: Hey, hey, I got my rights. BONDS: You got the right to shut the hell up, Blaine. Killing that poor, crazy woman for her video. Yeah, by the way, that video, it was hit down her throat on a thread of dental floss, you moron. (Bonds takes away Miller in cuffs.) BRENNAN: He is a moron. You are definitely a moron! Well, not literally, figuratively. It's very satisfying to use an insulting colloquialism even when it isn't accurate. BOOTH: Right. It's even better when they resist arrest and you get to hit them. BRENNAN: I don't know. BOOTH: Yeah, I think so. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Founding Fathers - Interior) ANGELA: So, do you feel better? WENDELL: Being open about our relationship? Yeah, yeah, you bet. ANGELA: You know, it's over between Hodgins and me. I mean, you believe that now, right? WENDELL: I think everything is always more complicated than it looks. ANGELA: I am telling you, mister, it's not. WENDELL: Like Dr. Brennan says, no use jumping to conclusions before all the evidence is in. (They kiss. Hodgins is walking outside and he sees them at the bar together.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Roswell, New Mexico. Booth and Brennan are sitting on top of the car, looking up at the night sky.) BOOTH: Quite a show, huh? BRENNAN: Shouldn't we get going home? BOOTH: Come on, Bones, how many times do you get a chance to check out a desert sky? BRENNAN: I've been in the desert many times. Though, usually I'm digging in the ground, not looking up. BOOTH: now's your chance to look up. So, look up. BRENNAN: it's ridiculous to think there's anything on this planet worth seeing which merits crossing what are literally astronomical distances. BOOTH: Many aliens are anthropologists? Maybe they just wanna study our religion and s*x and love and our funny languages and line dancing? BRENNAN: That's an interesting possibility I hadn't considered. BOOTH: Well, living creatures, they like to reach out, Bones. BRENNAN: Living creatures like to reach out and eat each other. BOOTH: Oh. So, what are you saying, that the aliens just wanna come down here and drink our spinal fluid? BRENNAN: Well, if the aliens are advanced enough to fly faster than light, then they can probably make spinal fluid. BOOTH: Oh, you just said that aliens are nice. BRENNAN: I did not. BOOTH: You just basically said that aliens are nice anthropologists. BRENNAN: I don't think so. BOOTH: You think the aliens are you. BRENNAN: (laughs) You got me. You know, I'm one of them. BOOTH: I knew it. BRENNAN: I was sent down as an advance scout. BOOTH: I knew it! No probing. No probing! BRENNAN: Hey, probing is a valuable way to gather information. BOOTH: We know how you people like to probe. Did you hear that? BRENNAN: What was it? END. End.

Plan: A: New Mexico; Q: Where do Brennan and Booth go to investigate the case? A: extraterrestrial attributes; Q: What kind of attributes did the human remains have? A: a local sheriff; Q: Who refuses to release the bones? A: Jeffersonian; Q: What is the name of the team? A: satellite; Q: What does the local sheriff force the team to work via? A: Wendell; Q: Who is Angela's intern? A: their relationship; Q: What do Angela and Wendell come clean about? Summary: An out-of-this-world case brings Brennan and Booth to New Mexico where they investigate human remains with extraterrestrial attributes. The victim is identified as a local UFO fanatic, known around town for her relentless search for alien life forms and whose latest "evidence" leads even Brennan and Booth to re-think outside existence. Meanwhile, a local sheriff refuses to release the bones, forcing the team at the Jeffersonian to work via satellite, and Angela and Jeffersonian intern Wendell come clean about their relationship.

In front of a house (Marco is dressed for the beach; Ellie is wearing all black. They are walking towards a blue van.) Marco: I don't know why you hate Paige. Ellie: 'Cause she's pure evil? Marco: She's very sweet, actually. And don't worry about today, okay? You're my guest. (Marco and Ellie reach the van. Paige opens the door.) Paige: Ellie, hun, I thought vampires couldn't go out in the sun. Spinner: I guess that leaves shotgun for DelStudly. Unless he wants to sit back here with his honey. Marco: No, that's cool. Uh, shotgun for me. Paige: Oh, uh, Marco, meet my brother, Dylan, our chauffeur for the day. Dylan: Hey Marco! Marco: Hey. (Stares at Dylan) [Opening Credits] At the beach, the gang is climbing out of the car Jimmy: Dylan, thanks for the ride, man. Bring on the bikinis! Spinner: Woo-hoo! Beach! Hazel: Nice beach! Wow, we are going to have so much fun! Marco: Come on, El. Cheer up. Paige: Hey guys, don't forget the umbrellas. (She hands Spinner a colorful basket from the rear of the car.) Hazel: Okay. Spinner: Yeah, um, I'm not carrying that. Paige: Why not? Spinner: What, want me to look like some homo? (He gets a look from Paige and Dylan)No, not, not homo as in gay, homo as in, uh... Dylan: Milk? It's okay. I told her not to pack that ridiculous picnic basket. Paige: Gee, and I told Spin not to be an insensitive jerk today. Jimmy: Guys, let's go! Marco: Guys, where's the water gun? Spinner: Wait, where are the marshmallows? (The gang walks towards the beach.) At the Nelson-Simpson household (Spike is walking and bouncing baby Jack. Snake and Emma enter the house.) Snake: Achoo! Spike: Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Emma: When you gave birth it- Spike: Shhh! Emma: It was to a baby, not a jet engine, right? Spike: Emma. Emma: Between Jack's all night crying and the drip-drip-drip of that hot water heater, I'm not sleeping. Snake: I'm on it. Foam wrapped around the heater. No more drip-drip-drip. (He cuts himself with the razor while trying to open the package) Ow! (Jack starts crying.) Spike: Shhh! Snake: Fiddlesticks! Spike: Oh, Snake! (She hands Jack to Emma, gets a towel, and wraps it around Snake's finger.) Snake: Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Spike: If you're sick you can't stay here. Jack just got over a cold. Snake: Spike! Spike: I'm serious! Emma: Mom, Jack's not in a bubble. Spike: Really? Do you want to breast feed him when he's running a fever? Snake: No, and neither do you, so... (picks up the phone) Spike: There we go. (Places Jack in the baby seat) That's a good boy. Snake: Jeremiah, feel like having some company this weekend? Achoo! Spike: Shhh! At the beach Dylan: Let's play some volleyball, man. Paige: (spraying bugs) Ew! Ew! Ew! Marco: (to Ellie) Okay, so maybe it was a mistake inviting you today. Ellie: Well, I couldn't let my "honey" come here all by himself. Earlier. Spinner called me your honey and you didn't correct him Marco: I didn't think it was that big a deal. Ellie: Last year, fine. But I'm not lying anymore. I'm not your girlfriend. Marco: Okay, fine then. No more lies, okay? We're just friends from now on. Hazel: Hey guys! Volleyball game. You in? Marco: I am. Ellie: You play. I'll read. (A montage of volleyball. It's Paige, Hazel, and Dylan verses Marco, Spinner, and Jimmy. Spinner trips Jimmy, Spinner gets distracted by girls and gets hit in the head with the ball. Jimmy and Marco laugh at him. Paige hits Spinner in the butt with a ball. After the game is finished, walking away) Jimmy: Yeah, Junior A Hockey Star. Dylan: Guys, I've got four tickets to our exhibition opener on Tuesday. You want 'em? Spinner: Yeah, sure. Jimmy: We'll be there. Paige: Come on. (They all leave except for Dylan and Marco.) Marco: Man, you totally creamed us. Like bad. Dylan: The trick is to toss the ball lightly and then serve. Don't slam. Control. (He moves away and spreads out his arms) Pretend I'm the net and just concentrate on getting it over. Marco: Okay. (He hits the ball and Dylan catches it.) Dylan: See, you're a natural. (He squeezes Marco's shoulder.) Marco: Thanks. (Blushes) At Craig's house. Craig is playing his guitar and then stops to sit next to Ashley on the couch. Craig: Okay, so I'm thinking put Ange to bed at 8, Joey won't get back til like at least midnight, and, uh, we've got the house pretty much to ourselves. Ashley: Missing the beach is not so bad after all. (He lies her back on the couch and they kiss. The doorbell rings. Joey goes to answer it.) Joey: I'm still here. (Opens the door to see Snake) Wow, you look awful. Snake: Good to see you, too, Jeremiah. Angela: Uncle Archie's here! Yay! (Runs into his arms) Craig: Uh, Joey? Joey: Uh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. Snake's spending the weekend with us. Craig: What? Snake: Yeah. I got a cold. Spike's a little crazy about germs and the baby right now, so ... Craig: Oh, so you can come here and infect us? Joey: No, he gets to help with the babysitting. Oh, I gotta go. I'm gonna be late. I've got to pick up Sydney. I'll see you later. Have fun! Snake: Didn't plan on spending Saturday night with ol' Mr. Simpson, huh? Craig: No, not really. Back at the beach, Spinner, Marco, and Jimmy are squirting each other with water guns. Paige and Dylan are watching them while sitting on their towels Dylan: Looks like the guys are having fun. Look at them. Paige: Mmm-hmm. Dylan: So, you and Spin are like joined at the hip, Jimmy used to date Ashley, and Marco...? Paige: Dates Ellie. (Dylan's face falls.) Paige: What? Dylan: Nothing. Just... I just thought that maybe he might be, you know. Paige: Not everyone is gay, Dylan. Hazel: (joining them) I'm freezing. Who's gay? Paige: Dylan thinks Marco is. Even though he and El have been dating forever. Dylan: Like I've never dated girls. What's your take on this, Hazel? Hazel: Well, as someone who had the most pathetic crush on Marco last year, join the line up. He and Ellie are soul mates. Sorry. Dylan: No problem. (He eyes a group of passing male joggers) Moving on... Paige: Hello there! Dylan: Look at them sweat! Spinner: That's just wrong. Jimmy: What? He's gay. It's what they do. Spinner: Yeah, but it's gross. Touching another guy, kissing... Jimmy: You were all over Marco just a second ago. Spinner. Ha ha ha. That's funny. (Squirts Jimmy with the water gun) At the Jeremiah household, Craig and Snake are playing a skiing video game. Ashley is watching them, annoyed Snake: I'm going all the way on this one! Craig: No, you're going down, Simpson! Snake: Yes! Who is the Sultan of the Slopes? Who is the Master of the Moguls? (Stands up, drops the controller, and falls back onto the couch) Ashley: Mr. Simpson? Snake: (nose bleeds) I must have taken that last turn a little bit too hard. Craig: Um, you're bleeding. (Hands Snake a tissue) Should I call Spike? Snake: No, I'm fine. I'm just a little over stimulated. I need to take it easy. Ashley: Are you sure? Snake: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Spike will just get worried over nothing. So, one more Slalom. Come on, Manning. Take me on. I'll kill you. At the beach... Ellie is strumming on her guitar, Hazel is spreading mayo on bread, Spinner and Paige are toasting marshmallows Jimmy: (waves broken sausage in Hazel's face) Want some of that? Hazel: Ew! Dylan: That's just gross. Paige: Okay, I want it soft and gooey, but not burnt-carcinogenic, so not so close to the fire... (Sarcastic) Thanks. Spinner: (mocking Paige) Not so close to the fire. Marco, why are you all the way over here? Ellie's over there. Go be a boyfriend. (Marco sits on the bench next to Ellie.) Marco: So, uh, whatcha playing? Ellie: I don't know. Nothing. Just strumming. (Spinner motions for Marco to put his arm around Ellie. Marco places his hand on her shoulder.) Ellie: Marco? Paige: Uh, hun, it's okay. He's your boyfriend. Ellie: He is not my boyfriend, actually. We, we broke up. Didn't we, Marco? (Marco walks away with Dylan looking after him. Dylan leaves after Marco, finds him on some rocks, and sits next to him.) Dylan: You okay? (Marco shakes his head 'no,' but won't look at Dylan. Dylan places his hand on Marco's leg and then takes it away.) The next day at Degrassi Community School, Paige and Spinner are walking into the building Spinner: I can't believe they broke up. Paige: Sorry, but I'm not surprised. Ellie must have been a blast to date. Spinner: Yeah, but why didn't he tell me? Paige: Cause maybe it wasn't any of your business? Spinner: Uh, we're like best friends now. Paige: Well, maybe that's not all he's lying about. It's stupid, okay, but Dylan thinks that Marco might be gay. Spinner: What?! No. He's been with Ellie. Paige: So, like Dylan never dated any girls before he came out? Though you've gotta admit, they would make a cute couple. Spinner: Paige! Paige: What? Dylan's a total catch. Spinner: Stop. Marco's not gay. End of story. [SCENE_BREAK] In the boy's bathroom, Marco is playing with his hair and wearing a new hockey jersey Marco: He shoots, he scores. (Leaves bathroom) Craig: Too much sun on the weekend, Marco? What are you wearing? Jimmy: First the whole break up mystery and now you've got a sudden interest in hockey? Marco: Hey, I like hockey, and as for El, look man, I don't know. I was embarrassed. DelStudly losing his girl. Jimmy: Oh, please. There's plenty of more fish in the sea, my man. Spinner: So, uh, Marco, what do you think of the Andropov trade to the Redskins? Marco: Andropov? I think it's great. I really think that his, uh, skating skills - they're really gonna help. Craig: (laughs) Marco: What? Spinner: Redskins are football. You have no idea what you're talking about. Craig: Oh-kay. At the school library. Dylan is photocopying from a book. Marco comes to the glass wall in front of the copier and taps on it. Dylan looks up Dylan: Marco, hey. Marco: Hey. Dylan: You have fun at the beach? Marco: Yeah. I mean, it's the beach, right? Fun's sort of built in there and... yeah. Dylan: Cool. You're a fan of the Buds. (Marco stares at him blankly) The Maple Leafs? Your jersey? Marco: Yeah, I love 'em. They're a great hockey team. (Jay enters the room and clears his throat.) Jay: Hey, Buddy, you better not drop anything in front of Homochuk. (sits down at a table) (Dylan pulls a book off the shelving cart and throws it at Jay's feet. He leans over the table, staring straight at Jay.) Jay: Whatever. (He gets up and leaves.) (Marco walks over and picks up the book.) Dylan: (surprised) Thanks. Marco: No problem. In the hallway Craig: Hey, Emma. Emma: Hey. Did your houseguest totally ruin your weekend? Craig: No, he was pretty cool. Emma: Since Jack was born, my mom has been a total germ freak. Snake's got a cold. Big deal. What? Craig: I'm just - I'm not sure that's all that's wrong. Outside of DCS, Marco is greeting a bunch of girls. Spinner watches all of this contemplatively while listening to his cd player Marco: Hey, guys, what's up? Kelly, how are you? Anyways, I gotta jet. Take care guys. In Ms. Hatzilakos' science class Ms. Hatzilakos: Okay the first step you're going to add two drops of the paramecium specimen to your slide. Then you're going to add one drop of methyl cellulose. That's going to help slow down the movement of the paramecia. Spinner: So, you never told me why you and Ellie split. Marco: Oh, I guess we felt more like brother and sister. Friends. Spinner: So, uh, why don't we get you a real girlfriend? Marco: Who? Everyone's paired up. Spinner: Not Hazel. What? She's single, she's hot, she liked you last year. I mean, what's the problem? Marco: Nothing. Cool. Hazel. Great. Spinner: Great, I'll set it up. For tonight. In Mr. Simpson's office. He is fixing his bandaid Manny: It's a silent auction. All proceeds are going to the Junior Spirit Squad cheer campaign. Our routines are so 2001! Snake: I'm sorry. What do I have to do again? Manny: Just donate something for the silent auction and be there for the bidding. Whatever you want. Snake: Fine, you got me. (Emma enters and Manny leaves.) Snake: (sighs) Manny should get into sales. Emma: Yeah. Snake: Is something wrong? Emma: I don't know. Is there? Craig told me you passed out. Snake: Yeah, and, uh, thank you for the concern, but I am not the first person with a cold to get a little dizzy. Emma: But what if it's not a cold? What if it's more serious? Snake: (yelling) Emma, would you stop thinking the worst? I'm overtired, I'm overworked. I've, I've, I've got a cold, so what? (Emma backs away.) Snake: (calmer) That's all it is, okay? Emma: Okay, sorry. (Leaves) Snake: (pulls out his cell phone) Hi, this is Archie Simpson. I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Margota. 4:30? This afternoon? Um. Okay. Thanks. (Blood is coming through his bandaid) At the Dot. Paige, Spinner, Marco, and Hazel are laughing and drinking soda Marco: And this film is about this woman in a coma, right? And her male nurse is hot for her. Spinner: For a chick in a coma? Marco: That's what I'm saying! Hazel: Sounds hilarious. So, um, you wanna see it again? We could go together. Marco: Yeah, sounds good. I'm getting kinda dry. Does anyone want another drink? (Spinner rubs his fingers together, making a money sign) On me? Paige: Okay! (Marco goes up to the counter.) Hazel: He's so cute! (Ellie enters the Dot.) Spinner: Maybe he needs a little help. Hazel: Oh. (She joins Marco at the counter) Thought you might need some help with those drinks. (Looks at Ellie, then puts her hand on Marco's arm.) Marco? Marco: (looking at Ellie) Sorry. (Hazel and Marco bring the sodas back to the table. Ellie rolls her eyes.) Spinner: Dude, just ignore her. Hazel: Totally. We should all go see that movie. You don't like subtitles to begin with, but Paige: Yeah, they involve reading. Spinner: Heh. Hazel: But it might be cool. You know. All of us? We could cover the story. Marco: I gotta go. My mom's making marinara sauce and I always help her. Thanks, Hazel, it's just getting kinda late. (Walks out of the Dot) Hazel: Did I do something? (Spinner walks out after Marco.) At the doctor's office, 6:14 p.m. Snake: So, doc, since when has bloodletting become a cure for the common cold, eh? Doctor: I wish it were that trivial. Snake: There's nothing trivial about a cold. Sneezing, sniffling... Doctor: I have to do more tests and, uh, a bone marrow biopsy. Snake: Bone marrow. Why? Doctor: Because your symptoms all point to acute myeloid leukemia - cancer of the blood. Snake: Cancer, but, uh... Doctor: It's a scary word, I know, but like I said, we have to run more tests. The important thing is if it is cancer, we've caught it early. And we can beat it, okay? In an alleyway, Spinner has caught up to Marco Spinner: What are you doing? Marco: Leave me alone, Spin. Spinner: You just walked out on your date with Hazel. She's sitting there and... Marco: I mean it, Spin! Please, back off! Spinner: (throws Marco against a dumpster) What's going on?! Marco: You don't understand! Spinner: That you're a psycho? You walked out on a date with one of Degrassi's coolest girls for your mom's pasta sauce? It doesn't make sense! Marco: Yes, it does! Spinner: Oh, yeah. Well, stop crying and explain it to me, 'cause obviously I'm a moron and don't get it. Marco: Because, Spin! Spinner: Because what?! Marco: Because I'm gay. (Spinner shoves past Marco, hitting his shoulder. Marco is left crying.)

Plan: A: The skeletons; Q: What is brought to the forefront in Marco's closet? A: Ellie; Q: Who refuses to pretend to be Marco's girlfriend? A: Snake; Q: Who develops a mysterious illness? Summary: The skeletons in Marco's closet are brought to the forefront when Ellie refuses to pretend to be his girlfriend any longer and he soon falls for Paige's gay brother, Dylan. Meanwhile, Snake suddenly develops a mysterious illness that causes spontaneous bleeding and dizziness.

•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Buffy entering the house. BUFFY: Hey Mom. Joyce lying on the sofa. BUFFY: Mom? Mommy? WILLOW: There's some money stuff we're gonna have to talk to you about. BUFFY: So you're telling me I'm broke? XANDER: Hospital bills. WILLOW: Pretty much sucked up all the money. BUFFY: I don't think I can do this. GILES: Yes you can. The Geek Trio in flashback. WARREN: So ... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale? JONATHAN/ANDREW: Okay. The Geeks in their lair. JONATHAN: We're like super-villains. The geeks laughing their lame villain laughs. Buffy and Spike sitting on the back porch. BUFFY: Why are you always around when I'm miserable? SPIKE: That's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days. Spike and Buffy exchanging a look. BUFFY: Me neither. SPIKE: That works out nicely then. Buffy walking through the living room toward the front. GILES: Buffy, what is it? BUFFY: Angel. He, he needs to see me. I have to see him. GILES: Y-you'll leave for L.A. tomorrow. BUFFY: I have to go now. BUFFY: (calls) Hello? WILLOW: Buffy? Willow's voice comes from the dining room. Buffy turns in that direction. BUFFY: Oh. Yep, it's me, and I brought dinner. (walks into dining room) Deep fried chicken parts. Hope you're... We see Tara, Giles, and Dawn sitting around the table, and Willow standing with a dish of food in her hands. They're clearly just finishing a meal. Giles holds a half-full wine glass. BUFFY: ...hungry. (disappointed) You already ate. GILES: No! (embarrassed) Well, uh, yes, obviously. DAWN: Uh, we didn't know when you'd be coming back. BUFFY: (shrugs) It's okay. More for me. Buffy puts the bucket of chicken on the table and sits. Willow sits also. TARA: I don't know about everybody else, but ... I would love some chicken. GILES: Yes. As would I. DAWN: I'll take a drumstick. WILLOW: I'm a breast girl myself. (quietly, to Tara) But, then again, you knew that. Willow and Tara exchange a smile. Giles makes an "ew" face. They pass the bucket of chicken around the table. DAWN: (awkwardly) So. BUFFY: What so? DAWN: So ... how was it? (nervous) Seeing Angel ... him seeing you. (Giles stands up) Was it weird? Buffy looks uncomfortable. Dawn, Tara, and Willow look expectantly at her. BUFFY: Um ... it was ... intense. Giles goes to the back of the room to do something at a side table. WILLOW: Well, i-if you wanna talk about it... BUFFY: I don't. I-it's ... not important. Past. I'd just ... rather keep this one to myself, if that's okay. DAWN: Sure, whatever. GILES: Buffy, um, there was... (sits back down) some discussion in, uh, your absence a-about, um ... w-what you're gonna do now. Giles has a pile of paper napkins, gives one to Dawn. GILES: You know, um ... your plans. BUFFY: Oh, um, I've been giving that a lot of thought actually. I think I've figured it out, what I should do. WILLOW: (smiling) That's good, that's good! BUFFY: Yeah. I figure, if I hold off paying the plumber, I can pay the utility bill. (Willow and Tara stop smiling) And then I can wait to re-shingle the roof until we get the refund back- GILES: Um, I meant... (Buffy stops) ...with your life. BUFFY: Oh. Life plans. Um ... well... The others continue to watch her. BUFFY: I have no idea. Dawn looks surprised. BUFFY: I guess, um ... well, I, I left school, you know, when Mom got sick, but I always figured I'd go back ... and then she... Buffy trails off. Willow and Giles look sympathetic. BUFFY: Um, so I-I was thinking about re-enrolling, but I missed the registration cutoff. Busy being dead and all. Giles winces. WILLOW: Well, if it's too late for late registration and too early for early, you can always come to classes with Tara and me. TARA: Right. Y-you can audit for the rest of the semester until registration. BUFFY: (uncertainly) Audit. I-I guess I could do that. Willow and Tara smile tentatively. BUFFY: Yeah, that ... sounds like a good plan. (looks across the table) What do you think, Giles? Giles nods and looks as if he's searching for words. JONATHAN VOICEOVER: The Slayer always knows what she's doing. Cut to: exterior driveway, day. Jonathan paces around in front of a one-car garage. The area is fenced in with a garbage cans and other various backyard paraphernalia. Jonathan frowns sternly as he walks and talks. JONATHAN: Sharp. Decisive. Always with a plan. (louder) We're never gonna become the crime lords of Sunnydale with her always one step ahead of us. WARREN: (OS) Well, that's why we're throwing these tests at her, seeing which one of us can shake her up the most, maybe find a weakness or two. Jonathan walks forward. Warren is on the ground, lying on his back on a rolling platform such as mechanics use when working underneath a car. He rolls out backwards and looks up at Jonathan. WARREN: She's ready. We see that he's just emerged from underneath a large black van. JONATHAN: Sweet. Run me through it. WARREN: Ah. Warren gets up, opens the van's side door. WARREN: We got nine high-resolution surveillance cameras hooked in (points), super-wide angle, infrared, auto-iris, plus six types of audio matrix monitoring... Pan across the interior of the van. It's completely filled with electronics equipment on both sides. Also a bean-bag chair or two, and a couple of wheeled computer chairs. WARREN: that's filtered through a dual quad DVS system, and a... JONATHAN: Yeah, yeah, fine, just tell me. (They start walking around toward the front of the van) Are you sure with all of this stuff that we'll be able to watch Buffy without her noticing us? WARREN: Absolutely. I mean, she'll never even know- They come around to the other side and find Andrew spray-painting a huge Death Star on the side of the van. WARREN: W-what the hell is that? ANDREW: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh? JONATHAN: (scornfully) Thermal exhaust port's *above* the main port, numb-nuts. ANDREW: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi. JONATHAN: That's a flawed design! WARREN: Guys! (they shut up) Okay, the thing is, since we're messing with the Slayer, who could pummel the three of us into a sludgy substance, it might be a good idea for us to (yelling) NOT draw attention to ourselves! Jonathan nods smugly at Andrew. ANDREW: (uncertain) I could paint over it if you want. WARREN: Yeah, well, do that! Because this time tomorrow, the games begin. (Zoom in on his face) And the Slayer ... will never even know what hit her. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Special Guest Star Anthony Stewart Head. Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by David Fury and Jane Espenson, directed by Nick Marck. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the hallways of UC Sunnydale. Various students walking around. BUFFY VOICEOVER: This is gonna be great. Cut to Buffy and Willow entering a classroom. BUFFY: I thought it might be a little weird being back, I mean, it is weird, but like a good kind of weird. Instead of desks the classroom has long tables set up in a rectangle. They walk around the perimeter to find empty seats. WILLOW: There's the teacher, Mike. Shot of the teacher dressed casually, writing on the blackboard the words "Social Construction of..." WILLOW: You'll like Mike. (sits) BUFFY: You call your teacher Mike? Boy, school sure has changed since my day. (sits) Mike turns from the blackboard. The final word he wrote was "reality." MIKE: Social Construction of Reality. Who can tell me what that is? (many students raise their hands including Willow) Rachel. RACHEL: A concept involving a couple of opposing theories, one stressing the externality and independence of social reality from individuals. (Buffy looks confused) MIKE: And the flip side? (many hands raised) Steve? STEVE: That each individual participates fully in the construction of his or her own life. MIKE: Good, and who can expand on that? (hands) Chuck? CHUCK: Well, those on the latter side of the theoretical divide stress... BUFFY: (leans toward Willow and whispers) Will, I'm not following this too well. WILLOW: Oh. The trick is to get in the rhythm, kinda go with the flow. (raises her hand) BUFFY: Flow-going would be a lot easier if your classmates weren't such big brains. WILLOW: (hand still raised) Buffy, that's ridiculous! They are no smarter than you or me. MIKE: (O.S.) Willow. WILLOW: (lowers hand, speaks to Mike) Because social phenomena don't have unproblematic objective existences. They have to be interpreted and given meanings by those who encounter them. (Buffy stares at Willow) MIKE: (O.S.) Nicely put. So, Ruby, does that mean there are countless realities? WILLOW: (notices Buffy's look) What? Cut to Buffy and Willow walking through the hallways. WILLOW: You're not dumb. Just rusty. BUFFY: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like, introduction to pies, or maybe advanced walking. Tara hurries up to join them. TARA: Hey! How'd it go? WILLOW: She did fine! Sociology, not a big fave. TARA: She didn't like Mike? BUFFY: No, look, it's fine. I just need to spend a little more time re-acclimating. You know, to get back into the swing of things. A guy bumps Buffy as he walks past them. Close shot of a hand touching her clothing, moving away to reveal a tiny metal object. Cut back to wider shot. Buffy almost falls over but Willow and Tara catch her. WILLOW: (yells after the guy) Hey! You could at least say sorry, rude-o! TARA: Everybody's in a hurry. The girls exchange an annoyed look and continue walking. Cut to the guy coming around a corner. We see that it's Warren. He looks up and sees a surveillance camera on the ceiling, turns away from it and speaks into the collar of his sweatshirt. WARREN: Francis 7, this is Logan 5. I'm in position, do you copy? Cut to interior of the van. A bank of computer screens show various images. Jonathan sits in front of them with a microphone ear-piece headset on. Andrew stands behind him. JONATHAN: Yeah, Warren, we copy that. And you're up on the monitor. ANDREW: Hey Warren, this is working great. The monitors show Warren as he smiles and waves at the camera. WARREN: Runner is tagged, inhibitor is on. Repeat, inhibitor is on. Initiate omega pulse sequence. Cut to exterior of the college campus. The black van sits in a parking spot. Various people walking around. A small satellite transmitter emerges from the top of the van and swivels, making whirring noises. Cut to Buffy and Tara walking through the halls together. TARA: My art appreciation class doesn't start for another twenty minutes, so we've got some time to kill. Um, here. (takes a large book from her bag and gives it to Buffy) You'll like it, it's very mellow. Buffy opens the book and looks at a picture of a painting. Weird buzzing noise, like static on a TV. Buffy frowns, looks up. TARA: ...didn't think she liked my cooking (we see Tara sitting on a bench nearby) until I realized that that was her yummy face. (smiling) You know how her nose- BUFFY: What was that? TARA: What was what? BUFFY: (confused) Uh ... that, that noise, wh-what was that about, about cooking? Whose yummy face? TARA: Willow. Wow, you ... really got engrossed in that Renaissance book. (stands up) BUFFY: I guess. I ... must have spaced out. Buffy gives the book back to Tara and goes over to a drinking fountain. TARA: Oh, I-I do that sometimes. Once, Willow and I were watching "Spongebob Squarepants"... Buffy bends toward the fountain to drink. The buzzing noise again. TARA: (calling) Buffy? A-are you coming? We see Tara all the way down the hall by a set of double doors. TARA: (calling) We're gonna be late for class. Buffy looks extremely confused and a little angry. BUFFY: What the f- Cut to interior of the van. Warren opens the door from outside and quickly climbs in, shutting the door behind him. WARREN: (excited) Is it working? Is it doing it? JONATHAN: Dude, it's doing it. ANDREW: And it's wicked cool. Cut back to inside. Tara walks into a crowded classroom, pauses just inside the door and turns. Buffy comes running around the corner. BUFFY: Tara! Tara! The classroom doors close in her face. The halls are now empty as all the students have gone to class. Buffy looks around in dismay. The buzzing noise again. Students begin pouring out of the classrooms into the hallways. Tara walks up behind Buffy. TARA: Buffy, where have you been? You missed art class. BUFFY: Missed? Uh, Tara, something freaky's going on, it's like I'm- Buffy looks over at a wall clock. The hands on the clock move quickly. They start at about 11:50 and stop again at about 12:10. BUFFY: Look, there! There! (pointing) Uh, did you see- She looks around and sees that Tara is gone. The halls are deserted again. Buffy makes a frustrated face. BUFFY: Crap! She runs off. Cut to Buffy coming out of the building. A lot of students are walking around in various directions. Buffy rushes down the stairs. BUFFY: Tara! We see Tara a little way off, walking away. BUFFY: Tara, wait! Shot of the campus from Buffy's POV. We're in a little courtyard with a grassy lawn. In the middle of the lawn is a stone table with a stone bench circling it. All the people move faster and faster until they're just blurs. Buffy stands still looking around as the blurs move past her. One of them bumps into her and knocks her down. The blurs continue to move across the lawn as Buffy starts crawling toward the stone table. Another one hits her and she falls down on her back, groans in pain. She gets to her hands and knees and crawls the rest of the way, crawls under the table. The blurs continue to move by. Cut to the van. The Geeks are watching Buffy on their monitors and can apparently also hear what she's saying. BUFFY: That noise. There's something on me. Cut back to Buffy. She begins examining her clothing. She takes off her sweater. Cut back to the van. On the monitors, the view swings around to show Buffy's face. WARREN: Oh no. ANDREW: Uh-oh. JONATHAN: She found it. The image of Buffy tilts from side to side as she looks at her sweater. Cut back to Buffy. She finds the tiny metal device attached to her sweater and removes it, holds it in the palm of her hand and stares at it in confusion. Cut back to the van. ANDREW: Oh, this is bad, this is bad. JONATHAN: Self-destruct! Self-destruct! ANDREW: I, I don't know, I- WARREN: No! Warren reaches over and flips up the plastic casing that covers a large red button. He puts his finger over it, pauses. On the screen, Buffy reaches out her finger toward the device. Warren pushes the button. Cut back to Buffy. The device disintegrates in her hand. She looks up. All the people resume walking at normal speed. Buffy frowns, gathers up her stuff and comes out from under the table. She stands there looking around, a little scared. Cut to the van. Warren plops down in a bean-bag chair on the floor. WARREN: Okay, score me. Andrew and Jonathan sit in computer chairs above him in "judge" positions. JONATHAN: Rrrright. (ponders) Fifty points for ingenuity, another thirty since it involved actual contact. ANDREW: Very smooth, by the way. (Warren smiles) JONATHAN: On the freak-o-meter I'd say she was at a six. WARREN: Oh come, it's an eight, easy! Jonathan and Andrew lean their heads together to confer. Then pull back to their original postures. JONATHAN: We'll split the diff, call it a seven. Which is good for a hundred and forty, giving you a grand total of... ANDREW: Two hundred and twenty. WARREN: (claps triumphantly, points at Andrew) Beat that! ANDREW: Oh, I will. Cut back to Buffy still standing on the grass looking around in extreme confusion. ANDREW VOICEOVER: I will. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on a construction site, day. Pan across various machinery and men in hard-hats. BUFFY VOICEOVER: This is gonna be great. Reveal Buffy and Xander, also wearing hard-hats, walking through the site. They wear toolbelts and Buffy carries a lunchbox. Her hair is in two pigtails. BUFFY: Diving into the workforce. Being a bread-winner, building things with my hands. XANDER: Uh, actually, you won't be building so much as lifting and toting. BUFFY: Toting? XANDER: It's just a temp gig, Buff. You know, unless it tanks. Since you're not union, I had to call in a few favors to get you on a crew. BUFFY: Well, I appreciate it. Muchly. You saved me from having to accept Giles' offer to work at the Magic Box. I mean, retail? Yeee. (shudders) I'd rather be dead. Again. XANDER: (not really listening) Uh-huh. So, Giles have any thoughts about your little fast-forward freak-out at school? BUFFY: No. Oh, well, he implied that maybe it was stress-related. Like I was imagining it or something. I don't know. Maybe. I guess I, I ... could have been blacking out, but ... there was this thing on my sweater, you know? (Xander nods, not really listening) And then it just, blew away, or went poof. Maybe it was lint. (excited) Maybe it was evil lint. XANDER: Okay, first tip of the day. When I introduce you to Tony the foreman? You might wanna leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint. They walk on. They approach a spot where a couple of guys are standing around looking at blueprints. XANDER: Hey. Tony. (Tony turns) This is Buffy. You know, that friend I told you about. BUFFY: (sticks out her hand) Nice to meet you, Tony. Tony just scowls at Xander. Buffy pulls her hand back, looks around at the other men. BUFFY: Guys. The other guys just stare. TONY: You gotta be kiddin' me. We're a week behind, I got two men out on the DL, and now you want us to baby-sit some little girl? BUFFY: Uh, excuse me, but I- TONY: Hang on, Gidget! (to Xander) This stinks, Harris. What am I supposed to do with her? XANDER: Give her a chance. She's stronger than she looks. Tony just sneers and turns back to the blueprints. XANDER: That's the spirit! (aside to Buffy) Don't mind him, he may seem pig-ignorant, rude, and a little hostile... (pauses) Have fun! (pats Buffy on the shoulder and starts to leave) BUFFY: Whoa, where are you going? XANDER: Upstairs. I need to supervise the sheet rock hangers. Don't sweat it! I'll be back to check on you later. Xander leaves. TONY: Okay, Danny, finish puttin' in those J-boxes, Vince, Marco, I need you to haul the steel inside. MARCO: Gee, I don't know, Tone. I don't wanna get in trouble with those affirmative action lawyers, you know what I'm sayin'? Why don't you put, uh, little Britney here on hauling duty? BUFFY: It's Buffy. TONY: Okay, princess, you're on it. Try not to break a nail. The guys laugh nastily. Buffy makes a face, mimicking Tony, and walks toward the pile of large steel girders. One of the other guys, Vince, joins her. VINCE: Don't worry about it. And don't let them hassle you into doing something stupid and hurting yourself. These beams weigh quite a few hundred pounds. Buffy picks up a beam easily and puts it on her shoulder. BUFFY: Which way? All the men pause to stare. Vince points his thumb toward the half-finished building. BUFFY: Thanks! She carries the beam off as Vince stares at the remaining pile in surprise. Cut to inside the site, later. Someone is welding. Buffy comes in carrying another girder, and addresses another man, Danny, who's crouched over doing something. BUFFY: So basically I'm just trying to learn everything I can, you know? 'Cause I don't want just a job, you know? I want a career, you know, something I can grow into. She goes over to Danny who is trying to move a girder. Buffy easily helps him lift it into position. BUFFY: I mean, I never thought I'd be working in construction ... but when you think about it kinda makes sense- DANNY: Hey. We get paid by the hour. (Buffy looks surprised) You wanna ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down. He walks off leaving Buffy standing there uncertainly. In the background we see Tony watching. Cut to: a view of the construction site as seen through binoculars. The lens follows a worker along until we see Buffy in the background. The lens stops and focuses in on her. WARREN: Ah! Got visual of subject, four o'clock. We see Warren and Jonathan sitting in the passenger seat of the van, looking out the window. Warren holds the binoculars up to his face. JONATHAN: That's not four o'clock. WARREN: (lowers the binocs) Well, it is if you're facing the front of the van. JONATHAN: But we're not facing the front of the van, we're facing out that way. (gestures) That's twelve, so she's at two o'clock. WARREN: (annoyed) Look, she's over there, okay? JONATHAN: (annoyed) Okay. Warren lifts the binocs to look again. Jonathan turns, parts a bead curtain that separates the "cab" of the van from the rear. He peeks through to the back. We see Andrew sitting on the floor reading a comic. JONATHAN: You're up. Andrew tosses the comic down, picks up a set of wooden pipes and begins to play by blowing air across the tops of them. The music continues as we cut to Buffy approaching a water cooler on the site. She leans over to take a cup. She hears something and straightens up, looks around in confusion. The music continues and melds into the background music of the scene. Buffy shrugs, turns back to the cooler to fill her cup. Shot of Buffy from someone else's POV, approaching her. A wrench sits on a nearby stand. The person picks it up and carries it toward Buffy. She sees the person approaching and stands up too quickly, spilling water on herself. BUFFY: Ooh! Oh. It's Tony the foreman. TONY: Jumpy? What's the matter? I scare ya? Suddenly Buffy pushes him aside to reveal a green demon behind him. Tony hits the wall as Buffy hits the demon. Buffy takes off her hard-hat and throws it aside as she faces the demon. Two more demons drop down from above to surround Buffy. They are all green-skinned and wear long trenchcoats. Buffy kicks one demon, punches the other two, kicks, goes to her knees and sweeps the feet out from under one. She gets in a couple more kicks before one of them grabs her around the waist from behind, dragging her backward. She finally gets loose, holds the demon's arm with one of hers while backhanding it with the other. The demon tosses her backward, grabs her and pins her against a wall. She kicks it back and another demon takes its place. Buffy punches it a few times, turns and leaps up to grab an overhead bar. Swinging from it, she kicks a demon in front and one behind, does a somersaulting dismount and kicks two demons with both feet. They crash into a partially built wall, bringing it down. Buffy picks up a shovel from the floor and uses it to hit the other demon a few times. He goes down and she stabs the shovel into him, then drops it. The demon lies on the floor dead. Then his whole body turns into a pile of goo which evaporates completely, leaving just an oily stain. The other two demons get up, pushing pieces of wall off them. There are also two men there, scrambling to get away. The demons pursue them. MEN: No, don't hurt me! Please! Help me! (etc.) BUFFY: (OS) Hey! The demons turn and see Buffy behind them. They attack her. She punches them both, wraps some wire around one demon's neck and strangles it. It falls to the ground and disintegrates as the previous one did. Buffy ducks a punch from the other demon, kicks it back against a piece of machinery, picks it up and shoves its head into the machine. She pulls out a cable and the pneumatic machinery begins to compress, crushing the demon's head. The demon also dissolves. Cut to the van. The Geeks are watching through the window. Jonathan sits in the driver's seat (background), Warren in the passenger seat, and Andrew perched on the dashboard. Andrew has the binoculars. ANDREW: Oh, man. She took 'em out. WARREN: Lemme see. (grabs the binoculars and looks) ANDREW: Okay, give it back now. WARREN: No, I'm still looking. ANDREW: No, y-you had your turn, now gimme- WARREN: No, I'm still- ANDREW: Gimme- Andrew grabs for the binoculars and Warren shoves him away. Andrew falls halfway onto Jonathan's lap. His elbow hits the steering wheel and activates the horn, which plays the Star Wars theme song. Cut to the construction site. Buffy hears the honking and peers curiously out of the building. She sees the black van sitting on the street beyond the fence. The Star Wars music continues. Cut back to the van. The geeks yell "Duck!" and all dive for the floor. Andrew jumps through the bead curtain into the back while the other two just lower their heads. Cut back to the site. Buffy continues looking toward the van as a couple of construction workers approach. We see another guy is pinned under some wreckage. Cut back to the van. Jonathan and Warren part the bead curtain and glare angrily at Andrew in the back. ANDREW: (defensive) Hey. All you said was lose the mural. The other two make annoyed faces. Cut back to the site. Two men are helping the third get up. Xander comes running over. XANDER: Oh my god. Buffy, what ... what happened? How ... Aw, Buffy, I know these guys can be jerks, but was it really necessary- BUFFY: I didn't do this! Tony comes around the corner holding a cloth to his bleeding forehead. TONY: I'll tell you what she did. I came over to tell your friend I was impressed by the job she was doing, liking the way she handles herself, and all of a sudden she goes berserk and attacks me. BUFFY: (outraged) Wh - I saved you from the... She pauses, pulls Xander aside. BUFFY: The demons! They were these three big apey things! XANDER: No. No, not here. Not at my job. That's your job. BUFFY: I can't help where the forces of darkness attack me, Xander. XANDER: Buffy, would you look at this mess? (gestures) Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this? And what am I supposed to say to the clients, should I just show them the demon bodies and say it's all their fault? BUFFY: (pouts) You can't. They melted. (sees his reaction) But ... uh ... (whines) There, there are witnesses! (turns to the other members of the crew) Vince! Vince! You'll tell him, right, how I jumped in and protected you from those ... things? VINCE: Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. All I know is you were losin' it or something. (Buffy stares in shock) That time of the month, huh? BUFFY: What?! You were huddled in a corner! Crying! Like a baby! VINCE: Hey, hey. No way. Me, crying? Buffy gives Xander an angry look and stalks off past Vince and Tony. VINCE: You're trippin', sweetie. (to Tony) What's her problem? Xander shakes his head, gives the guys a nervous smile and follows Buffy. Cut to outside the building frame. Buffy and Xander walk along. Buffy has her hard-hat on again. BUFFY: I didn't imagine this, Xander. XANDER: I know. I believe you. In fact, I'm starting to think between this attack and the school thing that somebody's messin' with you. BUFFY: Really? You think they're connected? XANDER: Well, there's something going on. I think it's worth checking out, and I don't mean later. You need to see Giles and get on it right away. I'd start with ID'ing those demons. BUFFY: You're firing me, aren't you. XANDER: Big time. The whole melty thing oughta help narrow it down. Buffy takes off her hard-hat and gives it to him. Long shot of the two of them from the back. XANDER: Uh, try sketching them. That always helps, and then maybe, when I get off work I'll help you go through the mug shots. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior shot of the magic shop, day. BUFFY VOICEOVER: This is gonna be great. Cut to inside. Buffy and Anya walk through the store together. BUFFY: You know, I've always been interested in, um, interested in retail. They descend the stairs and Anya heads toward the counter. In foreground we see Giles carrying a large stack of books toward the round table. Buffy approaches him. We see that the table is already piled high with a huge number of books. BUFFY: Uh ... is this all research, or just some kind of stress test for the table? GILES: (puts books on table, picks up a mug) I just want to be thorough. This ... time anomaly, and then the, the demon attacks could be completely unrelated events, but if they're not ... you might be in some danger. (drinking from mug) BUFFY: So, situation normal then. Giles sits down and opens a book. Anya comes over with a three-ring binder. ANYA: (to Buffy) Let's review. (opens binder) Um, you record returns here. Um, these are the slips for special orders, you ship them wherever the customer wants. And, uh, these are the hold slips. GILES: Fill out two hold slips for each item. (gets up and moves away) ANYA: Oh, and uh, be sure to remove the items from the shelf. As Anya speaks, we zoom in on a shelf behind the table. There are a couple of items on the shelf, the major one being a human skull with a candle in its top. ANYA: (OS) Um, I can illustrate with an amusing story about a crystal. We see that there's a tiny camera mounted in one of the skull's eyes. Cut to the interior of the van. A monitor shows the view from the skull-camera of Anya and Buffy in the store. Giles moves around them and out of frame. ANYA: (on screen) Uh, see, there was this certain customer who wanted to purchase a sapphire. Uh, sapphire ... well ... ding-dong. Right? And so anyway, I... Pan across the monitors to find Warren yawning in boredom as he watches. He reaches out to turn down the volume. WARREN: This is so dull I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming you guys. Andrew slides into view, rolling on his wheeled chair. ANDREW: Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and ... now she's some kind of ... selling stuff person? WARREN: (shakes head) It's like she's completely without focus. (pause) Should we check the other channels for free cable p0rn? Andrew seems to like the idea. JONATHAN: (OS) Guys, I'm ready. We see Jonathan sitting on the floor. The other guys look over, then get out of their chairs and sit on the floor as well, forming a triangle. Jonathan's holding a piece of paper in one hand and a cigarette lighter in the other. JONATHAN: I need you to hold hands. Warren holds out his hand to Andrew, who recoils. ANDREW: With each other? WARREN: Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you? Warren picks up a piece of bone and points it at Andrew. JONATHAN: Stop touching my magic bone! Warren puts the bone down as he and Andrew burst out giggling. JONATHAN: (annoyed) Shut up. The others stop laughing but still look amused. JONATHAN: Okay. Jonathan begins flicking the lighter as he holds the piece of paper over the floor in between them. Warren grabs Andrew's hand. Jonathan gets the lighter lit and sets the paper on fire. JONATHAN: Okay, it's in Latin, so don't laugh. It's supposed to sound like this. He turns off the lighter and sets it aside, puts the burning paper down, picks up the bone. Shot from above. We see that there's a triangle drawn in red on the floor, and a bowl in the middle of the triangle, with the burning paper in the bowl. Jonathan waves the bone over it while making gestures with his other hand. JONATHAN: Opus orbit est, et ea in medio, tempus ad calcem intendit. [Approx. translation: "The work is a circle, and she is in the middle, the time stretches out."] Clouds of smoke begin to rise from the bowl. Jonathan grins at the other guys. The smoke engulfs them and they all begin to cough. Cut to inside the magic shop. Buffy walks along looking bored. Behind her, we can see out the window. We see the van parked across the street with smoke coming out of it as its rear door pops open to release the smoke. Faintly, we can hear the Geeks coughing. We also see a woman walk past the windows toward the magic shop door. The camera follows her. She opens the door, making the bell above it jingle. Buffy turns to look as the customer enters. Giles comes up behind Buffy. GILES: Buffy, a word in your ear. The woman closes the door behind her and comes into the store. Buffy turns to Giles. GILES: While I was running the store, I found it useful to imagine myself back in the library. Um, (removes glasses and begins cleaning them) you know, if you concentrate on service and, and not on making a sale, you're more likely to have a satisfied customer. Giles nods, examines his glasses. BUFFY: Guess I'll have to find my own style. GILES: (not listening) Yes, uh, quite, quite, quite. Giles puts his glasses back on and moves away. Buffy turns away as Anya comes up to her. They both look toward the woman customer. ANYA: That woman. Go sell her something. Anya smiles, pats Buffy on the back and walks off. Buffy looks skeptical, begins walking toward the woman. As she climbs the stairs, a male customer stops her. He's looking at a display of scented candles. MALE CUSTOMER: Miss? Which candle creates a more, you know, romantic atmosphere? Buffy picks up a candle, sniffs it, looks at the sticker on the bottom. BUFFY: Hmm. "Lemon Seduction." She puts it down, picks up another and sniffs it, makes a face. BUFFY: Ew! (looks at sticker) "Essence of Slug." (puts it down, picks up the first candle and hands it to the customer) Here you go. MALE CUSTOMER: (smiling) Thank you. Buffy turns away. BUFFY: (to herself) Yeah. (walks over to woman) May I help you? FEMALE CUSTOMER: (conspiratorially) I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you have it. The mummy hand? BUFFY: Uh, yeah, actually, I saw one downstairs. It's kinda hairy, though. Maybe it was a daddy hand. She smiles, but the customer doesn't get the joke. BUFFY: I'll just get it. She turns and walks to the door leading to the basement, opens it. Cut to basement. Buffy walks around holding a paper bag, looking for the mummy hand. She puts the bag down as she examines the jars lining the shelves. BUFFY: (reads) 'Petrified hamster' ... uch! Eyeballs and honey. Dagger of Lex... She turns and sees the mummy hand sitting atop a wooden crate. BUFFY: Hmm. Ancient mummy hand. She reaches out to pick it up but stops when the mummy hand springs to life. It leaps at her and grabs her by the throat. Buffy grabs it by the throat and wrestles with it for a moment, finally pulls it off her and tosses it back onto the crate. She turns, grabs the dagger of Lex from the shelf, stabs it into the back of the mummy hand. The hand continues moving for a moment and then stops. Buffy stares at it, panting slightly. Cut to above. The woman customer stares in dismay as Buffy holds up the dagger with the mummy hand still impaled on it. BUFFY: And you get the dagger of Lex for free with it! See the inlaid mother-of-pearl ... underneath the black oozing goo? FEMALE CUSTOMER: This hand is dead. The power is gone, I'm not giving you money for this! BUFFY: Oh, it's just playing dead. (swats the mummy hand) Little scamp. She gives the woman a hopeful look. Close shot of the bell above the door. It jingles as the door opens. Buffy turns around. She no longer holds the dagger and hand. She's back where she was when the customer first entered the store. Giles comes up behind her. GILES: Buffy, a word in your ear. The woman customer comes in, shuts the door. Buffy frowns in confusion, turns to Giles. GILES: Uh, while I was running the store, I found it was useful to, uh... BUFFY: Huh? What? Huh? GILES: (cleaning glasses) ...imagine myself back in the library, uh, to, uh- BUFFY: We did this just now. Giles, something is happening. GILES: (not listening) Yes, uh, quite right. Cut to a view of Buffy and Giles on the monitors inside the van. WARREN: Aw, you did it! Dude, she's looping! The Geek Trio watch the monitors, grinning. WARREN: Wha, uh, what'd you do, enchant the hand thing? JONATHAN: Uh, well, not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving. (stops smiling) Maybe I shoulda done more. ANDREW: Like what? JONATHAN: I don't know. (looks at monitor) Like make her kind of itchy? On the monitor, Giles walks away as Buffy turns toward the customer and Anya walks up to Buffy. Cut back to the store. ANYA: Go help the lady who just came in. BUFFY: Wait- ANYA: Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked. Buffy makes an "ew" face as Anya pushes her toward the customer. Again the man by the candles stops her. MALE CUSTOMER: Uh, miss- BUFFY: Here. Buffy grabs the lemon candle and gives it to him, continues on her way. FEMALE CUSTOMER: Hi. I'm looking for something really specific. I heard you carry it. BUFFY: A mummy hand. The customer looks quite surprised. BUFFY: You look like the mummy hand type. Sorry, I can't get that for you. FEMALE CUSTOMER: I called here twenty minutes ago, and someone said you had one. BUFFY: Y-yeah, um ... but ... there's a thing happening. FEMALE CUSTOMER: You have one, and, and I was told I could buy it, and I'm sorry, but I'm really gonna have to hold you to that. I'm not leaving until I get a mummy hand. BUFFY: (reluctantly) Okay ... I guess ... I'll have to get it for you. Cut back to the van. On the screen, Buffy turns away from the customer and heads for the basement. WARREN: Smart. She's figuring out the game. Satisfy the customer. (leans forward) Well, she might just have you beat there, Stretch. (shoves Jonathan) JONATHAN: No way. It hasn't even started yet. ANDREW: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up. WARREN: Or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding. ANDREW: Scully wants me so bad. The others give Andrew skeptical looks. Cut to the magic shop basement. The mummy hand dances around on the crate tapping its fingers. Buffy approaches with a knife in one hand and a set of tongs in the other. The hand pauses, seems to be breathing(?). Buffy comes closer. The hand moves across the crate, climbs up onto a skull. Buffy prepares to attack it. Suddenly it jumps down from the skull, startling her. It perches on the edge of the crate. Buffy reaches out with the tongs and grabs. Cut to above. The woman customer looks into a paper bag with a disgusted expression as Buffy watches. Then the woman looks up at Buffy. BUFFY: Fingers sold separately. The woman scowls. Sound of the door jingling. Cut back to the beginning of the scene again. Buffy turns around to see the woman entering. Buffy sighs in annoyance, starts forward. Anya stops her. ANYA: Where are you going? BUFFY: (points) Lady needs a mummy hand. ANYA: What? You haven't even talked to her yet. BUFFY: I could explain, but you would just forget it. ANYA: I'm worried about you. Um, retail is a, is a fast-paced and exciting world. I mean, this whole day, has it gone by too quickly for you? BUFFY: No. No, I don't think that's exactly the problem. Buffy starts toward the customer again as Giles comes up. GILES: Buffy, a word in your ear. Um, if you, uh, think of the store as a, as a library, (cleaning glasses) it'll help you to, to, uh, concentrate on, on ... service rather than selling. BUFFY: Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam. GILES: (not listening) Yes, uh, quite, quite, yes. Giles puts his glasses back on and turns away. Buffy rolls her eyes, starts toward the customers. She grabs the lemon candle. MALE CUSTOMER: Miss, I- Buffy shoves the candle into his hand and continues toward the woman. BUFFY: Mummy hand, right? You got it, lady. The female customer looks bemused as Buffy just walks on toward the basement. Cut to a little later. Buffy pulls at the mummy hand which is trying to strangle the woman customer. She gets it loose, only to have it latch onto the woman's throat again. We see that Buffy is behind the counter by the cash register, with the customer on the other side of the counter. The woman's eyes bulge as the hand strangles her. Cut to: the bell jingling again. Buffy turns around, very annoyed. She stalks toward the front, totally ignores the male customer. MALE CUSTOMER: Miss... Buffy strides over to the front door, pulls it open with a jingle and steps outside... ...only to emerge in the store again, at the rear. As if she just came in through the back door. Giles, Anya, and the two customers turn to stare at her. Buffy stares back, dismayed. MALE CUSTOMER: Miss? FEMALE CUSTOMER: Hi. Cut to Buffy in the basement with her chin resting on her hand, watching idly as the mummy hand plays with the tongs. The bell jingles and she looks up. Cut to upstairs. Buffy goes over to the front door and, with a grimace, pulls the bell down, ripping it from the wall. She gives a satisfied smile. Cut to close-up of the bell, still attached, jingling as the door opens again. Buffy strides toward the front, passing the male customer as he examines the candles. Buffy grabs the slug-scented candle. BUFFY: Ya like slug? (tosses it to him without slowing down) Go with slug. She's not gonna sleep with you anyway. Cut to the van. The geeks are still watching. WARREN: (fake angry voice) This mummy hand has ceased to be! (on screen we see the woman customer shaking the mummy hand at Buffy) ANDREW: It is an ex-mummy hand! Warren smacks Andrew in the face with a rubber hand. Cut back to the store. The door opens. Giles comes up to Buffy, cleaning his glasses. GILES: Buffy, a word in your ear. Buffy grabs Giles's glasses, throws them to the floor and stomps on them again and again. Giles watches in surprise. The door jingles. Buffy turns, looking a little desperate. Shot of the woman customer looking at the merchandise. BUFFY: It's you. (runs over to the woman, grabs her by the front of her jacket) You, you're doing this! FEMALE CUSTOMER: Oh! Oh! Buffy hustles her toward the door. Cut to the bell jingling. Buffy stands with Giles, turns around toward the door. Shot of the male customer as the candle hits him in the stomach and he doubles over. The bell jingles. Cut to Buffy standing there with Giles and Anya behind her. Buffy sobs in frustration. Cut to the bell jingling. Cut to Buffy talking to the woman. BUFFY: I know we promised you a mummy hand, it's just ... (apologetic) I-I can't get it for you. Um ... (gets an idea) There's something wrong with it. It's defective. FEMALE CUSTOMER: Defective? Are you sure? I - there must be something you can do. BUFFY: But there's no way to get- Buffy suddenly stops as she realizes the solution to the problem. A slow smile comes over her face. BUFFY: ...to get *that* hand. But I can special-order one. We can deliver it anywhere you want. FEMALE CUSTOMER: (smiling happily) Really? Cut to Buffy at the cash register with the customer on the other side of the counter. The cash register rings as Buffy closes the sale. BUFFY: (smiling) Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box. The woman hands Buffy the special-order slip and leaves. Cut to the van. JONATHAN: Oh ho! Yes! The Geeks laugh and give each other high-fives. ANDREW: So ... (doing calculations on a piece of paper) Warren had 220 ... and I had that bonus for getting her fired... JONATHAN: But the biggest component has to be how long it took to finish. Mine took the longest. ANDREW: Only from a perspective external to the time-loops. From Mr. Giles' perspective, it was shortest of all. JONATHAN: (disappointed) So what do we do? WARREN: Oh, it's obvious. I mean, it's not over. Cut back to the magic shop. Buffy is finishing up the paperwork. Anya and Giles come toward her, smiling. GILES: Buffy, your first sale! (applauds) Congratulations. Buffy smiles. Anya takes the invoice and examines it. ANYA: You, you didn't charge for delivery. GILES: Oh. Well, your first day, you know, these things happen. ANYA: (smiling) Yeah, I'll just take it out of your pay. Buffy gives her a sour look. GILES: Yes, um, I'm sure B-Buffy would understand that. Buffy walks around Anya to get out from behind the counter. She slaps something down on the counter and keeps walking. BUFFY: Absolutely. Close-up on the counter. The thing Buffy put down was her name tag. It reads, "Hello! My name is," then a white space with "BUFFY" written in it, and then, "Ask me about curses!" Giles looks at it, looks at Anya. Anya looks toward the door. Long shot of Buffy going to the front door and opening it. Close-up on the bell jingling. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on close shot of Spike looking to his left with a small smile. It's dark. BUFFY: (OS) This is gonna be great. We see Buffy holding up a shot-glass full of liquor. She pours the shot down her throat, swallows it and makes a horrible face. BUFFY: Blaaah! (shakes head) We see that Buffy and Spike are sitting on a coffin in Spike's crypt. Spike lifts his own shot-glass to his mouth and slams it down. BUFFY: Life is stupid. SPIKE: I have a dim memory of that, yeah. (puts glass down) And I didn't figure you were here cadging my whiskey 'cause life's all full of blood and peaches. BUFFY: No. There's this thing ... someone's doing stuff to me. Messing up my life. Except that it was kind of pre-messed already. You know, with school, and jobs ... pretty bad even without the evil. SPIKE: So you, uh, just what? Gonna let this whoever play you till it figures out what kills you? BUFFY: (shrugs, puts down her glass) Giles is working on it. SPIKE: (laughs) Oh, good, 'cause Giles wields the mighty force of library books. BUFFY: You'd do better? SPIKE: Damn right! I'd hit the demon world. Buffy has Spike's whiskey flask in her hand. She begins refilling the two glasses as Spike brings one leg over the coffin so he's straddling it. SPIKE: Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air. Hmm? It's fun too. BUFFY: (slurred) It's not my kind of fun. (screwing cap back onto the flask) SPIKE: Yeah. It is. She looks at him. SPIKE: (quietly) And your life's gonna get a lot less confusing when you figure that out. BUFFY: (slurred) You have had *so* too much to drink at this point, I am cuttin' you off. They both empty their glasses again. Buffy again makes her alcohol face. BUFFY: Blaaah! (shakes head) Spike watches this with a smile. SPIKE: You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shop girl. Buffy pours from the flask into her glass again, emptying the flask. SPIKE: You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. (Buffy looks at him) Try on my world. See how good it feels. BUFFY: Are there drinks in your world? Spike grins. Cut to a seedy bar. Loud rock music, people drinking. Pan across to the door. Spike enters, followed by Buffy. She grimaces. BUFFY: Your motorcycle is loud. BARTENDER: Sssspike. We see that the bartender has a forked tongue. Spike nods a greeting to him. SPIKE: (counting out money) The usual, Dave, and one for the lady. (to Buffy) We're heading for the back room, pet. The bartender has set out two shot glasses and begins to fill them, but Buffy grabs the bottle out of his hand, removes the pour-spout and drinks straight from the bottle. Spike sighs, peels off a few more bills and gives the money to the bartender. SPIKE: It's where the real action is. Spike takes the two shot-glasses and heads toward the back. Buffy follows, making her alcohol face. Cut to Spike and Buffy entering the back room. Lots of shelves filled with liquor boxes. Sound of voices. SPIKE: (to Buffy) These lowlifes know everything happens in this town. BUFFY: (too loudly) Oh, good. These are the lowlifes. We see four demons sitting around a green-felt-covered table, playing cards. They all turn to look. SPIKE: Fine. A little louder. Spike walks over to the table. SPIKE: Boys, what's the game? We see one demon with many eyes, one with scaly skin and a bunch of tentacles that look like dreadlocks, one with a green face and horns, and one with very loose skin. GREEN DEMON: You know the game, Spike. You in? MANY-EYED DEMON: He kills our kind. Don't let him in. Spike grabs the many-eyed demon by the front of his jacket, pulls him up out of his chair. BUFFY: Ooh, ask him if he's heard- SPIKE: Later. Spike shoves the demon toward the door, sits down in his seat and picks up his cards. BUFFY: (disbelieving) You're gonna play cards? Spike looks exasperated, gives the demons a fake smile. SPIKE: I need a moment with my lady. The demons shrug. Spike gets up, goes to Buffy and puts his hand on her arm to turn her away. She shoves him off, but moves away with him anyway. The demons continue talking in the background. BUFFY: You wanna play, that's fine. Okay? I am sticking to the original plan. (gestures at demons) Which one do I kill for information? SPIKE: Listen. These guys talk while they play. We'll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses. Buffy frowns, looks from Spike to the demons and back again, finally rolls her eyes in agreement. Spike returns to his seat. Buffy takes a chair a little bit away from the table, removes her jacket and sits with the bottle of whiskey. SPIKE: I'm in. Everybody okay with that? LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON: (shrugs) Ante up. The three demons all turn to reach under their chairs. Each demon produces a small kitten. They put the kittens in a basket on the table. The kittens mew. BUFFY: You play for kittens?! SPIKE: So, who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby, get me started? The demons all look away casually. SPIKE: Come on, someone's gotta stake me. BUFFY: (grinning) I'll do it! Spike turns to give her a look. BUFFY: What, you thought I was just gonna let that lie there? She takes a swig from the bottle. Spike looks like he's having second thoughts about bringing Buffy here. BUFFY: (OS) Blaaah! Cut to the black van moving down the street. It's night, the headlights are on. Cut to inside. Jonathan sits in the passenger seat and Andrew in the middle while Warren drives. JONATHAN: Where're we going? WARREN: To Final Jeopardy. Where Buffy's the one in jeopardy. ANDREW: We are really super-villains now, like ... like Dr. No. (Jonathan grins) WARREN: Yeah, back when Bond was Connery, and movies were decent. JONATHAN: (scornful) Who remembers Connery? I mean, Roger Moore was smooth. WARREN: You're insane. You're short, and you're insane. ANDREW: I like Timothy Dalton! Warren smacks Andrew upside the head. ANDREW: Hey! WARREN: Don't make me pull over, okay? Cut to the back room of the bar. Kitten mewing noises continue. Spike looks at his cards, grins, puts them down on the table. We see that he has a straight, 4-5-6-7-8 of clubs. The other demons groan and throw down their cards. Spike smiles, stands up. We see that the table is now covered with kittens. Spike opens the lid of a basket and begins trying to put the kittens in the basket. GREEN DEMON: You're lucky today, Spike. SPIKE: Got my good-luck charm with me. (gestures with a kitten toward Buffy, who's making her alcohol face) SCALY DEMON: You cleaned us out. No-one's that lucky. LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON: Yeah. I'm starting to think you cheat. SPIKE: (sits) Me? I cheat? He's got X-ray vision! (points to scaly demon) SCALY DEMON: I'm not using it. LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON: (stands up angrily) *We* are not the ones who are cheating! Spike looks at him. Close shot of the demon's arm. An ace of spades is stuck in the folds of skin. He pulls it free as the others watch. LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON: I, I had no idea that was there. I could have leaned on that days ago. GREEN DEMON: You better go, Spike. Things could get ugly. SCALY DEMON: Got ugly the second he walked in. (disgusted) Him and his human. LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON: Her skin's so tight, I don't even know how you can look at her. Spike stands up angrily and confronts the demon. The green demon gets up too. GREEN DEMON: Leave your winnings and get out. (Spike looks at him in surprise) We'll forget this whole thing. SPIKE: Ah, so it's a setup, isn't it? Squeeze a few quid outta the vamp. Well, I'll tell you what you didn't count on. (indicates Buffy) Me and the bird. BUFFY: (O.S.) Blaaah. SPIKE: You wanna fight? You face the two of us. BUFFY: What? I'm not getting into a bar fight! (very drunk) I'll beat 'em up for information, great, but not to defend your right to gamble for kittens! Which, by the way, is stupid currency. GREEN DEMON: They're delicious! (other demons nod) SPIKE: (wheedling) Come on, Slayer, a big fight's just what you need. BUFFY: Forget it. I'm not playing by anyone else's rules any more. (gets up) I'm done. She staggers drunkenly over to the table, opens the basket and tips it over, setting the kittens free. All the demons yell in protest. DEMON: Hey, I won those two! BUFFY: Be free, kittens! DEMON: They're getting away! Buffy turns and leaves as the demons frantically try to re-capture the kittens. The kittens run around under the table, meowing. Spike hurries off after Buffy. Cut to the main bar room. Buffy walks quickly through, putting her jacket on. Spike grabs her shoulder, turns her around. SPIKE: What's wrong, luv? BUFFY: What's wrong?! You were gonna help me! You, you were gonna beat heads and, and, and fix my life! But you're completely lame! She gestures wildly with her arm. Her jacket falls down her arm and dangles from one hand. Spike simply listens to her tirade, looking surprised. BUFFY: Tonight sucks! And, and look at me! Look at, look at stupid Buffy! (pulls jacket back up her arm) Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. (finishes putting on jacket) And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even *before* the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person I can even stand to be around is a ... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker. SPIKE: (embarrassed) Oh, you saw the cheating, did you. BUFFY: Also? I think you're drunk. She whirls around and storms out of the bar. Spike stands there, makes an expression of extreme frustration. Cut to the interior of the van, rear. Andrew emerges from the front into the rear, followed by Warren. Jonathan comes last. WARREN: (to Andrew) Connery is Bond. He had style. JONATHAN: Yeah, but Roger Moore was funny. WARREN: Moonraker? The gondola turns into a hovercraft? It's retarded. Besides, the guy had, like, no edge. ANDREW: Dalton had edge. In Licence to Kill he was a rogue agent. That's edgy. (Warren and Jonathan give him looks of disbelief) And he was amazing in The Living Daylights. JONATHAN: Yeah, which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton! WARREN: (annoyed) Okay, this is stupid! We're wasting time. End of discussion. The other two nod and turn to their consoles, begin typing. Beat. WARREN: (very angry) I mean, there's a shot of like *pigeons*, doing double-takes when the gondola blasted by! Moonraker ... is inexcusable. The others just look at him. Cut to Spike coming out of the bar, walking quickly, waving his hands in annoyance. He's looking at the ground, so he nearly bumps into Buffy who's standing on the street, arms crossed, staring at something down the street. Spike sighs and rolls his eyes. BUFFY: That van. Spike looks where she's looking. Shot of the black van parked by the sidewalk. SPIKE: You wanna steal a van, I'm with you, luv, but we have got the motorcycle. (gestures behind them) BUFFY: (shakes head) I've seen it before. At the construction site. She takes a couple of steps forward. Cut to inside the van. Warren is in foreground with his back to Andrew in background. WARREN: Connery is the only actor of the bunch. ANDREW: Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and (yells) beat Sean Connery over the head with it! WARREN: (grimly) Okay, that's it. Warren spins around, grabs Andrew, gets him in a headlock. They struggle. JONATHAN: Hey! Stop it! Guys! Jonathan tries to break them up, looks up at the monitors, gasps. JONATHAN: Look! They all look. The monitors show Buffy walking toward the van. ANDREW: Oh, she's coming over here! What do we do? WARREN: Jonathan, grab your magic bone. Warren and Andrew burst into giggles again. Jonathan looks at them in annoyance. Cut to outside. Buffy approaches the van, frowning. Spike stays where he is several yards back. Suddenly a large demon comes around the van and growls at Buffy. He has red skin, curved horns and wings, and wears only a loincloth. DEMON: Rrrah! You have discovered me! (puts hands on hips) But do not try to defeat me, for I have been testing you and I know your weaknesses. Ha ha ha! The demon suddenly looks over in dismay as the van starts up and begins to drive off. Buffy goes over to the demon, tries to punch it, but being drunk she misses the first time. She kicks out and gets the demon square in the groin. DEMON: Ooh! Oh! The demon doubles over in pain. Buffy falls backward onto her butt. Spike runs over and helps Buffy up. BUFFY: I'm okay! I'm fine! Get off me! (Spike makes a "okay, okay" gesture) DEMON: I am well struck! (voice breaking) I call on the misty portal to my demon dimension, where I will lay my head and gently die. The demon throws something on the ground which causes a shower of sparks and a cloud of smoke. Then he turns and runs away. Buffy and Spike cough and wave the smoke away. BUFFY: He blew up. Did you see that? SPIKE: (looks around in confusion) Yeah, I saw. He's gone. BUFFY: (shrugs) Gotta love it, you know. (Spike looks at her with a smile) It makes you feel all powerful. (uncertainly) Strong. Beat. She looks a little ill. Spike continues looking at her. BUFFY: Kinda sick. Cut to the van parked on a dark side street. Warren's at the wheel. Andrew in the passenger seat. The demon comes up on the driver's side, panting. DEMON: She hurt me all over. WARREN: Someone'll see you! Get in the back. DEMON: I won't fit. ANDREW: Well, do the ... thing. DEMON: Oh, right. Let the spell be ended! The demon shrinks and turns back into Jonathan, holding the loincloth around his waist (as it is now much too big for him). He groans in pain, hobbles over to the back of the van. The other two go through the bead curtain. Jonathan opens the back door and climbs into the van. JONATHAN: Ahh! Ow. Warren wraps a blanket around Jonathan. JONATHAN: (plops into a chair still groaning) Ohh, next time I do that spell, one of you guys has to look like the demon. ANDREW: (awed) The Slayer touched you. JONATHAN: (sourly) Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists. I only looked big. I actually had the proportional strength of ... uh ... me. WARREN: Guys, think about this. We took on the Slayer. I mean, we've got all kinds of stuff in the computer now ... speed, strength, reaction time ... we're getting what we need to really become a threat to her. We tested her, faced her ... and we survived. JONATHAN: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me. ANDREW: Oh, of course, but barring that, Warren's right. We did good! WARREN: (nods) The Trio ... versus the Slayer. It's not over. They all nod and smile. ANDREW: Plus, look what Warren and me discovered by accident before we drove away! Andrew jumps up and gets into one of the chairs, fiddling with the equipment. The other two come to look over his shoulder. JONATHAN: What? They all stare at the screens. ANDREW/WARREN/JONATHAN: (unison) Free cable p0rn! Cut to: interior Summers house, night. Giles stands in the hallway outside the bathroom holding a glass of water. The bathroom door opens and Buffy comes out, walking slowly. Giles gives her the glass. GILES: Feel any better? BUFFY: I think at one point, I actually turned completely inside out. (walks into her room) But yeah, better. (drinks) GILES: I'm sorry I didn't, uh, find this demon with my research. BUFFY: (sits on floor next to the bed) Aw, it's okay. I-it wasn't much of a fight. She pulls a fringed blanket off the bed, bunches it up and holds it against her middle. BUFFY: I got lucky. She puts her elbow on the bed and rests her forehead on her hand. BUFFY: (quietly) I'm really screwing up, Giles. GILES: What? Come on. (sits on the bed) You were being tested ... sequentially, by some ... unknown demon. I don't call that screwing up. BUFFY: No, it completely is. I let the demon set the rules. GILES: Go easy on yourself, will you? I mean, you don't have to figure the whole thing out at once, you know, job and everything. You're pushing yourself too hard. BUFFY: The nice people at the phone company? Seem to think it's not hard enough. GILES: Well, maybe there's something I can do about that. (takes something from his pocket) This is, um ... I... It's a folded piece of paper. Giles turns it over and over in his hands, then holds it out to Buffy. GILES: It's for you. BUFFY: (takes it) A check? She unfolds the check, looks at the amount, looks stunned. BUFFY: This is, is too much, I can't take it. GILES: Well, tear it up then. (reaches for it) BUFFY: (snatches it away from him) No! I was just being polite. (smiles) I'm taking the money. Giles smiles, leans on the bed. Buffy looks at the check again. BUFFY: This is, this is great. This is more than great. Giles puts his hand on her shoulder. She looks up at him. BUFFY: I don't ... really know how to say this ... (softly) but it's a little like having Mom back. GILES: In this scenario, I am your mother? BUFFY: Wanna be my shiftless absentee father? Giles grins a little, then pulls a serious face. GILES: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle? BUFFY: (smiles) I'm just saying ... (seriously) Thank you. So much. Buffy tries to get up, groans in pain. Giles gets up, helps her stand. BUFFY: I'm gonna ... show this to Dawn. She loves it when things get easy. She walks to the door, looking at the check. Pauses in the doorway, turns back to Giles. BUFFY: I just ... wanna tell you ... that, um ... this ... makes me feel safe. Knowing you're always gonna be here. Giles gives her a smile and a nod. But as soon as Buffy turns to leave the room, his smile turns to a worried frown and he sighs. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon. THE END

Plan: A: money; Q: What does Buffy need? A: her attempts; Q: What fails? A: her ability; Q: What do Jonathan, Warren, and Andrew test? Summary: Buffy is in serious need of money to support herself and Dawn, and she tries to focus on bringing in some money. However, her attempts fail as Jonathan, Warren, and Andrew create a number of obstacles to test her ability.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke and Lorelai are asleep. Lorelai wakes up and leans toward Luke.] LORELAI: Hey. Wake up. LUKE: Huh? LORELAI: Wake up. LUKE: No. LORELAI: Come on, you're missing it. LUKE: Is "it" sleep? 'Cause you'd be right. LORELAI: Smell the air. Smell it. [She pulls the blankets off him.] LUKE: It smells cold. LORELAI: Come on. LUKE: What? No, it's freezing. LORELAI: Come on! [She pulls him out of bed.] LUKE [grunting]: The floor's cold. LORELAI: Geez, you're so obsessed with the cold. LUKE: Because it's cold! LORELAI: I know. [Luke growls.] LORELAI [mimicking]: Grumble, grumble. [She leads him out the door.] STAR'S HOLLOW STREET - OUTSIDE LUKE'S [Lorelai walks to the middle of the street and stops. Luke follows grudgingly.] LUKE: I'm turning numb. LORELAI: Keep moving. LUKE: Are my feet still attached to my body or did they snap off coming down the stairs? LORELAI [looks]: They're still there. LUKE: Why are we out here? LORELAI: Take a deep breath. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Do it. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I smell snow. LUKE: What? LORELAI: It's coming. I always know. I can smell it, and I'm never wrong. LUKE: It wasn't in the forecast. LORELAI [sighs happily]: It's just my favorite time of the year. The whole world changes color. LUKE: I think I'm blacking out. LORELAI: Flakes, flurries, swirls, crystals, whatever form it comes in. I'll take it. We go back, snow and me. We have a beautiful history. LUKE: Saw two forecasts, there was no mention of snow. Cold, but no snow. LORELAI: Sleigh rides, ice skating, snowball fights. I'll even take curling. God, I love curling! LUKE: Lance Cranston on Channel 6 said it would be dry. Kimmy Liston, Live at 5, same thing. No snow, nothing. LORELAI: Hot cocoa, hot toddies. Best time of the year! LUKE: Jimmy Mountain in Accu-Chopper One said it would be weeks before - [He stops and looks up as the snow starts to fall.] LUKE: Lance and Kimmy are idiots. LORELAI: Welcome, friend. LUKE: I'm going inside now. LORELAI: But - LUKE: One more whiff, and then so are you. LORELAI: Luke - [Luke pulls away and walks back into the diner. Lorelai smiles as she looks up at the snow falling.] [Opening credits.] LUKE'S DINER [A group of town men are sitting around a table.] ANDREW: Streetwalker. TAYLOR: Too urban. MAN #1: Concubine. MAN #2: Seems high-falutin. REVEREND: Anyone seen Farewell My Concubine? Beautiful film. Gorgeous cinematography. TAYLOR: I'm surprised you see such adult fare, Reverend. REVEREND: Well, do you picture me watching Sound of Music every night, Taylor? Gag me. [Luke comes over with a coffee pot.] MAN #2: Scarlet woman. TAYLOR: I like it. ANDREW: Too Nathaniel Hawthorne. LUKE: Who? ANDREW: Read a book. MAN #1: Harlot. MAN #2: Naw. REVEREND: Woman of accomadating morals. MAN #1: Too long ANDREW: Hot mutton. TAYLOR: I wouldn't know where to begin. LUKE: What are you guys doing? TAYLOR: Well, the first snow has come along, Luke, and with the first snow comes the town's Revolutionary War Re-enactment. LUKE: Always a heel-clicking good time. TAYLOR: Oh, well, we've got a big surprise for everybody this year. LUKE: Great, I'll pretend I'm interested. REVEREND: It's a big deal, Luke. LUKE: Yeah, it's the same thing every year, Reverend. You guys re-enact the time a bunch of pig-headed morons stood outside all night in the freezing snow waiting for a battle that never happened. MAN #1: This year is different, crank. TAYLOR: A local historian uncovered new evidence of Star's Hollow's participation in the Revolution. Apparently, an English battalion was awaiting the return of their commanding general with plans for a big battle. Our soldiers caught wind of this and blocked the high road so that the general had to travel by the lower road, through town, to reach his troops. LUKE: So, they kidnapped him. [The men laugh.] TAYLOR: No, they were much slyer than that. They had a brave lady of the town use her wiles to draw the general to her rooms and keep him occupied. That delayed the general's arrival which allowed Lafayette the opportunity to ambush the waiting British troops. LUKE: A hooker stopped a battle. MAN #2: We're not calling her a hooker. REVEREND: It's too "Baretta". MAN #1: That's what we're doing now, trying to figure out what the hell to call her. ANDREW: Bit of stuff. MAN #1: Too Monty Python. TAYLOR: This new re-enactment is going to be a huge boost to tourism, Luke. The local press is all excited to cover it. LUKE: Well then they're very easily amused. TAYLOR: Got a big casting session soon to pick the lucky townswoman to play our special lady. MAN #2: She should be thin. ANDREW: But not too thin. MAN #1: Know anybody who fits the bill? LUKE: Not off-hand, but if I run into any moderately-weighted whores in my travels, I'll let you know. [He returns to the counter as Lorelai comes down the stairs. TAYLOR: Well, Patty is ready to go... LORELAI: Morning. LUKE: Good morning again. LORELAI: Oh, cool, the re-enactors are meeting. Another wonderful by-product of snow. LUKE: Oh, yes, they're cooking up something very special. You want coffee? LORELAI: No. I'm late, so I'll just grab it at the inn. I'm actually looking forward to having my first cup of joe in my new, snow covered inn and - why are the re-enactors staring at me? LUKE: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. LORELAI: The Reverend is blushing. Why is he blushing? LUKE: I'd walk out of here is I was you. And try not to walk too sexy. LORELAI: Okay. You'll explain that to me later? LUKE: I'd enjoy that. LORELAI: Okay. [She walks by the table.] Hi, guys. REVEREND [To the others]: Pretty lady. ANDREW: Too thin. MAN #2: This is not about your taste, Andrew. ANDREW: I'm going for historical accuracy's side. Women were heavier back then. MAN #1: How about your wife? MAN #2: You want a sock in the nose? ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE {Emily is walking through the house talking on a cordless phone.] EMILY: No, no, Jean, that works perfectly with my schedule. It's been forever since we've seen each other. [pause] Oh, I'd love that! Mirabelle is still one of my favorite - oh! [She jumps back, shocked to see a shivering little white dog sitting outside.] EMILY: Oh my God! Oh my God! No, uh, Jean, hang on a second, will you? [She pushes a button on the phone. Richard's cell phone rings. He picks it up. Scene cuts between the pool house and the main house.] RICHARD: Hello? EMILY: There's a dog on the patio! RICHARD: What? Emily? EMILY: Of course it's Emily! RICHARD: I'm sorry. You sound agitated. EMILY: Did you get a dog? RICHARD: Certainly not! EMILY: Well, there's a dog on the patio. RICHARD: Well, where are you? EMILY: Inside! Richard, do something! RICHARD: I can't see it from here. EMILY: Well, he's here nonetheless, and he's looking at me! Richard, the dog is looking at me! RICHARD: Hold on. EMILY: I'm holding, but what are we going to - Richard? [To the dog] Shoo! Shoo! [Richard is out on the patio. They continue to talk on the phone.] EMILY: Now do you believe me? RICHARD: Well, I wasn't doubting you, Emily, I just couldn't see it. EMILY [pointing at the fire poker in his hand]: What is that? RICHARD: Oh, you made it sound like it was a rabid beast, so I came prepared. EMILY: Don't get too close. RICHARD: I don't see any froth on his mouth. EMILY: Well, that's something. RICHARD: I see a collar but no tags. That isn't very smart. EMILY: You're getting too close. RICHARD: Well, what should I do? It's freezing out here. We can't let it roam around. EMILY: Well it can't come into the house. RICHARD: Why someone would fail to put a tag on a dog - EMILY: Take it to the pool house. RICHARD: What? Why? EMILY: Well, that's why we have it. RICHARD: We have a pool house for stray dogs? Love the innuendo, Emily. Fine. I will take him into the pool house. EMILY: Thank you, Richard. I came out and he was just sitting there. RICHARD: It's a he? EMILY: I don't know. RICHARD: Well, I can't get a visual from this angle. EMILY: It's not important. RICHARD: Dog! I want you to come with me. Come along, dog! [The dog gets up and follows Richard to the pool house.] EMILY: He's following you. RICHARD: Seems to be working! EMILY: Good job, Richard! INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai comes in the front door.] LORELAI: Hey! You know who just nipped at my nose? Jack Frost. MICHEL: Huh. You know who just nipped at my ear? Jack I-Don't-Care. LORELAI: Look outside, Michel. It's the first time we've seen the Inn blanketed by snow. It's like a postcard. MICHEL: I know. I haven't been this excited since Madonna just dropped by Total Request Live. LORELAI: The floor's a little wet, are we getting the mats out? MICHEL: We are without mats. LORELAI: That's impossible, we ordered them eight months ago. We got confirmation. MICHEL: They were back-ordered and due within two weeks. Two weeks turned into eight months, and all we have to show for it is our special yellow back-order receipt. Such cheap paper they use at the mat place. That should have been a clue. LORELAI: What else can we put down? MICHEL: Oh, plenty. I saw two movies over the weekend. They were both awful. LORELAI: No, I meant put down on the floor so our guests don't slip and fall. We have to find something. MICHEL: The good news is that there will be less people here who could possibly slip. [They walk over to the reception desk.] LORELAI: What do you mean, less people? MICHEL: We've had four cancellations in the last hour. LORELAI: Why? What happened? MICHEL: All due to snow. LORELAI: Snow? Our beautiful snow? MICHEL: People say it is cold, the streets are bad - LORELAI: The streets are fine. They're plowing away out there. A graceful, gorgeous plow was pushing the snowy white out of the street right behind me, it was beautiful. MICHEL: They wanted nice weather. LORELAI: This is nice weather. It's classic Connecticut inn weather. It's all the more reason to come. MICHEL: I would advise that you change our cancellation policy. These people cancel and have to pay nothing. LORELAI: I hate charging people for canceling. It's too corporate. We're doing things differently here. MICHEL: Oh, yes. Bankruptcy will be fun and different. Be sure to file for it while it's snowing, won't you? We'll go down to bankruptcy court in a horse-drawn sleigh. LORELAI [sighs]: Try to find mats. MICHEL: I'll do what I can. [Lorelai walks into the kitchen.] LORELAI: Hey, Sookie. SOOKIE: Good morning. LORELAI: How are you loving our winter wonderland? SOOKIE: My car wouldn't start this morning. LORELAI: Oh, drag. SOOKIE: And we're almost completely out of coffee. LORELAI: Oh, well. So, make some more. SOOKIE: I mean out, out. There's no more on the premises. LORELAI: You're kidding. SOOKIE: I wish I was. LORELAI: But there's mounds of it stacked in the walk-in. Heroin-sniffing dogs get all excited and confused when they go in there. SOOKIE: Why do they get all excited and confused? LORELAI: Because you smuggle heroin in coffee. SOOKIE [gasps]: No, I don't! LORELAI: It was in Beverly Hills Cop, remember? The heroin in the coffee? Why are you taking everything so literally? SOOKIE [whining]: My car wouldn't start! LORELAI: Since when does that make you take things literally? SOOKIE: Wait, I'm sorry, when were there dogs in the walk-in? LORELAI: I'm just saying, we had a lot of coffee. Until now, apparently. SOOKIE: 'Cause we're switching suppliers. I found that new blend, you remember? You tasted it, you said it tasted great. LORELAI: I liked it. I remember. [She pours herself some coffee.] SOOKIE: So I'm letting the old stuff run out because the new stuff's coming in but the new stuff is back-ordered, so it never came in. LORELAI: Well, send out for more, immediately. MICHEL [interrupting]: Not possible. LORELAI: Why? MICHEL: Remember those wonderful snowplows you were writing a sonnet to not five minutes ago? Well, one of them dumped a ten-foot mountain of snow in our driveway. There is no getting in or out. LORELAI: Unbelievable. MICHEL: Well, it's not so bad, because with the cancellations, no one's coming today anyway. LORELAI: Yes, but we have to get out, to go home, eventually, and to get coffee now. So start the guys digging. MICHEL: You mean I should get the one guy who did not call in sick because of the snow and the cold to get digging? LORELAI: Yes, get him digging! [Michel goes.] It's okay, it's all good. Snow will be dug and mats will be found, coffee will be bought, everything's good. SOOKIE: By the way. LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: There are some people out there eating breakfast, and - LORELAI: And - SOOKIE: And they're drinking coffee. [She takes the coffee cup from Lorelai and heads for the dining room.] Customers. YALE DORMS - RORY'S COMMON ROOM [Rory comes out of her room. Paris is on the couch.] RORY: Good morning. PARIS: Stupid C-span. RORY: What? PARIS: Stupid C-span's had me on hold forever and I've got to get going. RORY: Well, you're not the only one who calls C-span, Paris. PARIS: Right. There are a lot of us. Like the guy who asked the question about Iran's long-range missile production and nuclear capacity, then shouted Ba Ba Booie! Him they put on. Me they've got twiddling my thumbs. [Paris goes into her room. Rory opens the door; Christopher is standing there.] RORY: Dad. CHRIS: Hey, kiddo. RORY: What are you doing here? CHRIS: Aw, I was just in the neighborhood, I thought I'd look you up. RORY: Did you bring the baby? CHRIS: Baby's getting spoiled by her grandma. So where are you headed? RORY: I have class. CHRIS: Right. College. Classes. I've seen Oxford Blues, I should have put that together. So this is your place, huh? RORY: Yeah. It's a little messy right now. [Paris walks out of her room.] That's Paris. CHRIS: We've met. Hi, Paris. PARIS: Hello. [On the phone] Yeah, I've got a suggestion for getting you guys out of the ratings basement. And putting me on hold is not one of them. RORY: So, you were just passing through? CHRIS: Yeah, I was in the area, or the area near the area, so how about breakfast? RORY: Oh, I don't have time. CHRIS: It's the most important meal of the day. RORY: And the most skipped around here. Mornings are busy. CHRIS: Forget busy. Forget class. Play hooky, have breakfast with me. Come on. We can all go together if you want. Paris? PARIS: I am kind of hungry. And C-span can kiss my ass. CHRIS: Okay, then, we're on. RORY: Dad - CHRIS: We can walk, we can drive, whatever - RORY: Dad, no! I have to go. I can't be any clearer, okay? [She leaves Chris standing at the door and walks down the hall.] CHRIS: Rory - INDEPENDENCE INN - LOBBY [Lorelai is on the phone.] LORELAI: Well, we can certainly rebook you, because we'd love to have you come anytime. Really. But if you reconsidered your cancellation and came in now you would find nothing less than a magical wonderland. A snowy xanadu of goodness. Really. Bing Crosby's warming up his pipes over by the fireplace. Magical. [Pause] Mm-hm. Yes, driving in the snow is tricky. [Pause] No, I don't think I could get Bing Crosby to come pick you up. [Pause] Okay. Well, just check your calendar and call me back, and I'll be here to rearrange it. Thank you. Bye. [She walks toward the dining room as Michel enters wearing a furry hat and carrying a shovel. She nearly slips on the wet floor.] MICHEL [laughing]: That was very graceful. LORELAI: Oh, I'm desperate for those mats. MICHEL: I had been working on the mats but you asked me to shovel the snow. And now I have a blister, a muscle spasm and a neck crick and I have a date tonight, and a crick will cramp my kissing move. [They go into the dining room. Lorelai clears dishes while Michel removes his outerwear.] LORELAI: Well, I appreciate your effort. MICHEL: Are you being sarcastic? LORELAI: Just a tiny bit. MICHEL: You know that I am light-boned and cannot take physical exertion. I work with my mind. LORELAI: Well, you're excused from shoveling duty, just focus on the mats. MICHEL: We have another problem. The Goldfarbs are missing. LORELAI: The Goldfarbs? Our Goldfarbs? MICHEL: The ones you recommended to go cross-country skiing this morning. LORELAI: Right. So they're out skiing. MICHEL: They said they would be back by noon promptly. Well, it's past noon, and their friends are here to meet them for lunch, but the Goldfarbs are erwol. LORELAI: They're what? MICHEL: Erwol! Erwol! LORELAI: Oh! AWOL. MICHEL: What do I care. I'm French. The point is, we strapped wooden sticks to the feet of a fat orthodontist and a woman with ugly chunky jewelry, and we lost them. LORELAI: Oh my God, it's only noon! MICHEL: Can I call the authorities? LORELAI: You think we're there already? [Sookie comes out with a bussing tray to pick up the dishes.] SOOKIE: What are you doing? LORELAI: Cleaning up. [To Michel] No, let's wait another twenty minutes, just keep calling their cell phone. MICHEL: Oh, joy. [Lorelai pours a bit of coffee from one cup into another.] SOOKIE: Ugh! Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing. LORELAI: What? I'm just cleaning up. We're short-handed today. Go about your business. SOOKIE [disgusted]: You were pouring leftover coffee from other people's cups into your own cup and now you're going to drink it! LORELAI: No, no, no! SOOKIE [grabbing]: Give me that cup! LORELAI: No! Get away! Don't you understand if I don't get coffee in me, things are going to get ugly around here! SOOKIE: Going to get? MICHEL: Be very careful! She's near a knife! SOOKIE [obtains the cup]: Give me that. I'm ashamed of you. LORELAI: I'm ashamed of me too. SOOKIE: If that wasn't a cry for help, huh. LORELAI: I'm going out. MICHEL: The driveway's still blocked. LORELAI: On foot. MICHEL: The snow is soft and four feet deep. LORELAI: I'm cross-country skiing for coffee. MICHEL: The Goldfarbs have the skis! LORELAI: I'm going out and I'm bringing back coffee! MICHEL: Be careful of the floor! [We hear Lorelai slip and squeal. Another woman cries out.] LORELAI [OS]: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. We're getting mats, I swear. Have a nice day. ELDER GILMORE POOL HOUSE [Emily knocks on the door. Richard answers.] RICHARD: Emily. Hello. EMILY: Hello. I saw your car in the driveway and was just wondering if everything was okay. RICHARD: Everything's fine. Thank you. I've put off my morning appointments to sort of stabilize the canine situation. She's been fairly calm. EMILY: Oh, it's a she? RICHARD: That has been ascertained. EMILY: And there's no I.D. tag? RICHARD: A gross oversight of its owners. I found its exact breed, though, which may come in handy. EMILY: Oh, wonderful! RICHARD: Let me, uh, bring up the website. [He sits down at the computer.] "Dog Breed 411 dot com". EMILY: Isn't that clever? It's amazing the information available on the computer these days. RICHARD: Oh, it's wonderful. There are websites you'd be interested in, too. EMILY: Oh, I wouldn't know how. RICHARD: Oh, it's easy. Whatever you're interested in, you just type it in - the DAR, or Louis Vuitton, Franz Schubert - and you're off and running. EMILY: That easy? RICHARD: That easy. EMILY: There she is! RICHARD: Mmm. A long-haired Jack Russell terrier. EMILY: I'll start calling the neighbors and tell them we have a long-haired Jack Russell terrier. RICHARD: A female. EMILY: What's all that luggage? RICHARD: Ah, that is the Louis Vuitton website. [He gets up to let her sit.] I thought you might like to peruse it. EMILY [sitting down]: Isn't that something? RICHARD: You use that mouse there to move around. EMILY: A mouse? How fun! YALE CLASSROOM [The students are seated at a large round table.] PROFESSOR: That was David Hume. A personal favorite, and I'm not saying that because Hume was Scottish and my mother's maiden name is McCammon. Okay, more on the principles of morals, and perhaps why Scots rule, next time we're together. Have a good day. [The students begin collecting their things.] And read! Read! [Rory walks out into the hallway. Christopher is waiting with a cup of coffee.] RORY: Still here? [They walk together, Chris following a few steps behind Rory.] CHRIS: Still here. This is for you. Coffee. It might be a little cold. Teachers sure talk a lot here at Yale. No bells. Don't they have bells? RORY: Nope. Thanks for this. [gestures to the coffee.] CHRIS: You're welcome. [Pause] Look, Rory, that manic, desperate guy that came down to your dorm room this morning, he left. He's gone, and I'm not going to bug you anymore, okay? RORY: Okay. CHRIS: I didn't think it through, and I feel pretty dumb coming down here like this. I just have to say, though, that I hate our relationship, okay? I hate it. This wall, this stupid wall, it sucks. And I put it there, but I wanted to try and do something about it, but I got a little desperate, and I'm sorry. RORY: It's okay. CHRIS: I've been in Hartford a lot. My dad's sick. My mom's with the baby and I've had time to think, and maybe that's not good, but my dad and I, we always had that wall, you know? And, God, for us to be that way, like my dad and me? I - I don't want you visiting me when I'm old and cranky and you feel like you have to. I want you to visit now and I want you to want to. Look, I'm not going to bother you anymore. This wasn't fair for me to do this, surprising you like this. It wasn't fair. Uh - [He digs in his pocket and hands her some cream and sugar.] CHRIS: Here. I didn't know how you take your coffee so I got you everything. I'll see you, kid. [He leaves.] RORY: Bye. [She turns the other way.] MISS PATTY'S STUDIO - EXTERIOR [A sign is propped up: "Girl" auditions 4:00. The camera cuts inside. Several ladies are sitting in a row wearing large number signs. Taylor walks around them.] TAYLOR: This is not just an historic re-enactment, ladies. This is an historic moment unto itself. This will be the first time that a member of our fairer s*x has participated in Stars Hollow's Revolutionary War Re-enactment. KIRK: Lulu is fully aware of the historical significance of this, Taylor. She's bright and sexy, I'll tell you that now. TAYLOR: All right. My point is that this will be the first vital role a woman has played in our re-enactment. And you should know that it is of a sensitive nature, so if you're overly sensitive you may want to back out now. [He goes to sit at a judge's table with Miss Patty. She is hiding her face with her hand.] KIRK: Lulu's as insensitive as they come, Taylor. TAYLOR [impatient]: Fine, Kirk. Thank you. Now we've little time and we have to choose the right girl quickly. Stand up, please, all of you. [The ladies stand up excitedly.] TAYLOR: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. All right. Based on the visual that we're looking for I must now eliminate numbers two, five, seven and nine. Thank you for coming. [The eliminated ladies leave.] Now, I need to see a demonstration of your acting abilities. Please give me your best "come hither" look. [The remaining ladies try to look seductive.] TAYLOR: Your... "come hither" looks, ladies? LADY #4: That was my "come hither" look. TAYLOR [frustrated]: Girls, girls! You're supposed to be seducing a man. Now picture, on horseback, a dashing, finely accoutered gentleman, firm of jaw and solid of build - PATTY: I thought you were doing it, Taylor. TAYLOR: I am - oh! [laughs] You with your funny jokes. PATTY [laughing]: Yes. Me and my jokes. TAYLOR: Four and eight, you may go. KIRK: Yes! PATTY: Taylor, isn't eight your sister's kid? TAYLOR: Mm-hmm. Yes, little Debbie. PATTY: And you were coaching her to - I mean, you had her - never mind. TAYLOR: Let's try the look again, girls. You're being seductive. [Kirk stands behind the judge's table and coaches Lulu.] PATTY: Oh, Kirk, don't be a pageant mom. TAYLOR: I can't tell in these outfits. You're all so heavily dressed. LULU: It's cold outside. TAYLOR: The young heroine of our story didn't think of the cold when she gave up her greatest treasure for her country. KIRK: Lulu's got a bunch of hot outfits, Taylor. I can put her in something. TAYLOR: Not necessary. Number one? Thank you for coming. [He gestures to the door.] LADY #1 [pouting]: Rats. [Taylor opens the door to the studio to let her out. Just then Lorelai walks by.] TAYLOR: Oh! Lorelai! LORELAI: Hey, Taylor. TAYLOR: How would you like to play our woman of easy virtue? LORELAI: What? TAYLOR: This is a straight offer, no audition necessary. LORELAI: Oh, well, it's the best offer I've gotten all day, Taylor, but unfortunately I'd have to - ah! Ah! [She shrieks as she steps in a puddle.] TAYLOR: Is that a yes or a no? LORELAI: It's a no, thank you. TAYLOR: The level of commitment in this town is stunningly low. [Lorelai limps toward Luke's.] TAYLOR: All right, girls, let's see your sexy walk. LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai opens the door. Luke is behind the counter. ] LORELAI: Warmth! LUKE: What are you doing? LORELAI: The icicle foot. It's the latest dance craze, all the hip kids are doing it. LUKE: Your shoe's all wet. LORELAI: Oh, this evil puddle was lying in wait. Evil, evil! LUKE: Let me get you a towel. LORELAI: Oh, forget the foot. I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme. LUKE: Should I bother to ask how your day's going? LORELAI: Oh, terrif! My shoe's an icicle, the Inn's driveway is snowed in and we lost the Goldfarbs. LUKE: Who are the Goldfarbs? LORELAI: The two guests who bothered to show up. I sent them skiing and I killed them. LUKE: You killed your guests? LORELAI: Eh, well, you know what happens. LUKE [handing her a coffee]: Here. LORELAI: The only bright side of my day is being asked to be a prostitute. LUKE: That's something to cling to. LORELAI [sipping, then crying out]: Oh, hot! Warn me! LUKE: Coffee's hot? Sorry. Coffee's hot. KIRK [bursting into the diner]: My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore! Woohoo! Yeah! [He leaves just as suddenly.] LORELAI [holding her tongue]: Great, now I'm not even the town whore. LUKE: Well, if you like, I'll leave a little something on the dresser for you tonight. LORELAI: It couldn't hurt. LUKE: Here. Ice cube. ELDER GILMORE HOUSE [Emily sits at the table, making calls.] EMILY: Well, it would help to just put the word out there that we have a dog. In case anyone hears of anyone looking for one. [Pause] That's right. A white long-haired Jack Russell terrier. [Richard enters.] Thank you, Margaret. I'll be here all day. Bye. RICHARD: Margaret. Whitson? EMILY: I figured a call to the neighborhood busybody was the first order of business. How's it doing? RICHARD: Well, it seems to be asleep now, but I am lacking a proper bowl for its food. EMILY: I think I can help you with that, follow me. [They walk into the kitchen.] EMILY: What are you feeding it? RICHARD: I've got some leftover stew. I'm going to pick chunks of meat out of it. EMILY: Stew? Richard, tell me that that man of yours isn't feeding you stew? RICHARD: Well, he probably offered. He said it was a recipe passed down by some dead relative. EMILY: Stew? That may be what killed his relative. RICHARD [laughs]: I didn't think of it. EMILY: Promise me you'll make him prepare proper food for you. Please. That's what he's paid for. RICHARD: I promise, Emily. [Emily pulls a china bowl out of the cupboard.] EMILY: Here we go. RICHARD: Ah, looks perfect. EMILY: And it's chipped, so just toss it when you're done. RICHARD: Thank you, Emily. EMILY: You're welcome. RICHARD: And the stew is history. EMILY: Good. [Richard nods, then leaves. Emily smiles after him.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sewing a costume and talking on the phone.] LORELAI: From what I can gather, this woman made eyes at a British general, and the British general was feeling a little randy. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene cuts from Rory's dorm to Lorelai's living room.] RORY: Such a salacious history our town has. LORELAI: And she led him into her house and kept the fellow occupied. RORY: Occupied his brains out, huh? LORELAI: Hey, don't warp the loo. RORY: Sorry. LORELAI: But why do you think they didn't just kill him? RORY: I don't know, maybe they knew that we would ultimately make peace with England and they wouldn't want to kill a potential great-great-grandfather of a Winston Churchill or a Benny Hill. LORELAI: Well, that was very forward-thinking of them. [Examining the dress] Boy, do I know how to dress a slut or what? I am very proud. RORY: So you haven't said anything about our first snow. LORELAI: That's right, I haven't. RORY: Why? You don't sound so excited. LORELAI: Snow and I had a bit of a bumpy ride today. RORY: Bummer. LORELAI: I blame myself. I may have been too needy with snow. Too clingy. So it had no choice but to push me away, create a boundary. RORY: Snow and men have a lot in common. LORELAI: What about you? Anything exciting happen today? You get in a snowball fight with a Nobel Prize winner or something? RORY: No, no. Nothing out of the ordinary. But I'm sorry that snow was so mean to you today. LORELAI: Oh, it's okay. It wasn't snow's fault. We had one bad day. Every relationship has its bad days. It doesn't mean you drop and run, you keep going, right? Peaks and valleys keep a relationship fresh. RORY: I agree. LORELAI: Tomorrow is another day. [She changes the buckets where water is dripping from the ceiling. She looks up at the leak and sighs.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE - MORNING [Lorelai comes out of the house and locks the door. She begins to walk toward the Jeep, then stops. The Jeep is buried in a pile of snow.] LORELAI: No. [As she watches, a branch from the tree above the Jeep falls onto it, bringing more snow down.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE - LATER ON [Luke is helping Lorelai dig out her Jeep. Lorelai is pushing snow off the hood with her hands.] LUKE: Don't do that. LORELAI: I want it gone, gone! LUKE: I'm getting it gone. LORELAI: But this is personal. I'm physically hurting the snow as I dig at it. I'm chopping into its stupid white face with my razor sharp fingernail claws and I'm delighting in it! I want it to suffer! LUKE: You look deranged. LORELAI: Take that. Argh, and that! LUKE: Why did you park it under a tree? LORELAI: I have been parking this stupid car under this stupid tree forever! LUKE: But it's snowing. LORELAI: Yes! But snow has always protected me before. It's been a white blanket of love! We had a symbiotic thing going on! LUKE: Snow cannot protect you. Snow is frozen water falling out of the sky. And as for this car and this tree, you can predict it. It's gravity. There's four tons of snow on this tree. You park under it, gravity is going to come into play and take it out! It's basic physics! LORELAI: I do not need a physics lesson right now, no matter how well it's intentioned! LUKE: Sorry. LORELAI: It's over. Oh, yes, it is over! [She takes a violent swipe at the snow on the Jeep.] LUKE: What is? LORELAI: Me and snow. We're through! LUKE: No, you're not! LORELAI: It was years of bliss, you know? We had some good stuff, and good times. I could show you pictures of the snow angels I made. But I am done. Done! LUKE: Well, let it down easy, okay? LORELAI: Oh! And I am changing my cancellation policy at the Inn. LUKE: Because of snow? LORELAI: Yes. From now on if anyone cancels for any reason that I don't agree with within two years of the date in question, no, no! Make it three! Then, I am not going to refund their money and I'm going to kick them in the groin! LUKE: Geez. LORELAI: But with my left foot. Because my right foot is still throbbing from being frozen in icy cold water which has effectively ended my foot modeling career! LUKE: Foot modeling is a dying art anyway. LORELAI: I am with you now, buddy, a hundred percent. LUKE: With me on what? LORELAI: Snow is nothing but annoying icy frozen water stuff that falls out of the sky at inconvenient times. It's Mother Nature's icy "Screw you, Lorelai Gilmore". It's just stupid stuff you have to shovel out of the way so customers can get into the Inn. It's the stuff that melts and leaks through your roof! It's the stuff that stalls your car, it's the stuff that buries your car - [Snow starts to fall from the sky again.] LORELAI: Oh no! No! Don't even try to make up with me now! You and me are through! [She swats at the snow] You stupid - hate - you! ELDER GILMORE'S POOL HOUSE [Rory and Lorelai knock on the door. The valet answers.] LORELAI: Hello, Robert. ROBERT: Good evening, ladies. RICHARD: Hello, girls. RORY: Hey, grandpa. LORELAI: Hi, Dad. RICHARD: Did you come together tonight? LORELAI: Oh, no, just a lucky coincidence. [Emily is sitting by the fireplace.] LORELAI: Well, hello, Mom. EMILY: Hello, girls. RORY: Hi, Grandma. EMILY: Just go about your drinks. I'm just here to sit with the dog. LORELAI: Dog? RORY: Oh, he's cute! LORELAI: When did you get a dog? EMILY: She's not our dog. LORELAI: No less confused. RICHARD: And, it's a he. EMILY: The dog? RICHARD: The dog is a boy. EMILY: I thought you said it was a girl. RICHARD: I got another peek. It was rolling around on its back and it was painfully obvious. EMILY: They're so hairy down there. RICHARD: This one especially. LORELAI: It's going from weird to weirder. RICHARD: The usual beverage for everybody? RORY: So he's not your dog? EMILY: It just showed up in our yard yesterday morning. We have no idea how it got here or where it came from. It has no tags. RICHARD: He's a very big mystery, this dog. EMILY: Oh, now I'm monopolizing things and I'm not even here. Please, go about your drinks. RICHARD: No, no, I'm having Robert make one up for you as well. EMILY: Are you sure? Because I'm not officially here. RICHARD: Absolutely. [Robert brings in the drinks.] EMILY: Thank you, Richard. RORY: So how long are you going to keep him? RICHARD: As long as it takes to find the owners. EMILY: Richard had to miss a half day of work yesterday. RICHARD: But Emily has agreed to write a note excusing my absence, so it should be okay. EMILY [smiling]: Okay, now pretend I'm not here. You girls and I can chat later. LORELAI: Okay. Well, um, Rory, oh my God, did I tell you about the horrendous thing that Mom did? She can be such a witch with a 'B'. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, geez, Mom, I forgot you were there. My pretending is that good. RORY: We can't really pretend you're not here, Grandma. RICHARD: That's true, Emily. You have a presence that cannot be ignored. EMILY: Well, fine. I can leave. RICHARD: No, no! The dog likes you there. Join in the conversation if you wish. EMILY: Well, I am curious to know when you girls got the bad news today. LORELAI: What bad news? EMILY: Christopher's news. RORY: What about him? EMILY: You haven't heard? RORY: Nothing. EMILY: Lorelai? LORELAI: Same here. RICHARD: Well, that's odd. EMILY: I would have thought he would have called them right away. RICHARD: One of them, at least. LORELAI: Guys, what news? You're making me nervous here. EMILY: Straub died. [Rory and Lorelai look horrified.] LORELAI: Christopher's father died? EMILY: This morning. LORELAI: Oh my God, how? EMILY: Well, he'd been sick. RICHARD: Very badly. He'd been diagnosed just a month ago, but it already spread. EMILY: He was the picture of health, so it caught poor Francine completely off guard. That poor woman. LORELAI: I can't believe Chris didn't tell us. RICHARD: He may not have been in any shape to think straight. LORELAI [to Rory]: Did you check all your voicemails? RORY: Yeah. Yeah, I did. EMILY: It's terrible having more than one answering service. That's the way you miss things. LORELAI: Well, I mean, we should send something, right? For the funeral? Does he want us to go? EMILY: He was very quiet on the phone, he was only good for the headlines. RICHARD: Well, you can't blame him. EMILY: He had a very tortured relationship with that man, but none of that matters at the end. LORELAI: We should send him a card, or flowers. RORY: We should send flowers. LORELAI: Everything sounds so lame. EMILY: Well, whatever it is, send it to Francine. Christopher and the baby are staying with her until all of this is behind them. I'll give you the address before you go. RICHARD: We'll send something together, Emily? EMILY: I've already signed your name to some flowers. [The dog stands up.] EMILY [surprised]: Oh! He moved! Is it supposed to do that? RICHARD: Oh, Emily. Let me show you how he likes his blanket arranged. He's a bit picky. EMILY: I appreciate your help. LORELAI [to Rory]: Poor Chris. I mean, it's so sudden. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Did you even know his dad was sick? RORY: Well. Kind of. LORELAI: You knew? RORY: Dad told me. LORELAI: When did he tell you? RORY: He didn't make it sound like it was a big thing. Like he was that sick. LORELAI: And with Sherry gone, and the baby - yikes. RORY: Yeah. Yikes. [Richard is rolling up a corner of the blanket near the dog's head.] RICHARD: - this, the bump acts as a kind of pillow. EMILY: Very clever! RICHARD: There's a dog hair in your drink. I'll have Robert make you another one. EMILY: Oh, that's okay. RICHARD [taking the glass]: No, no, I insist. [He gets up] Robert, we need dog hair removal. HAYDEN'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE. [Rory pulls up in her car. She walks up to the door carrying a brown paper bag. She rings the bell; Chris answers.] RORY: Hi. CHRIS: Hi. RORY: I heard about your dad. CHRIS: Yeah, I figured you would, at your Friday night dinner. God, is tonight Friday? RORY: I didn't realize how serious it was. I wasn't listening. CHRIS: Rory, I kind of veiled it. RORY: I'm sorry. [She looks around uncomfortably, then remembers the bag she is carrying.] I brought cookies. [She holds them out to him.] CHRIS [looks in the bag and smiles]: And milk. Milk and cookies. RORY: Is that okay? [Chris gestures for her to come inside.] LATER [Rory leaves the house and gets into her car. She dials a number on her cell phone.] LORELAI: Hello? RORY: It's me. LORELAI: Hey! Where are you? RORY: I'm just leaving Dad's. LORELAI: What? RORY: I came to see Dad because he came to school yesterday, wanted to make amends and have breakfast, but I blew him off, even after he told me that his dad was sick. LORELAI: Aw, hon - RORY: And, I don't know, maybe he did say how sick he was, between the lines at least, but I just held him off. And he didn't say that he was dying. I just felt so awful the whole time at dinner tonight. LORELAI: It's okay. RORY: No, it's not, because, regardless of Dad's faults, he's human and he needs us, but he's so isolated from us that he can't just call or reach out to me, or to you, especially. But he really needed to call you, and you guys go so far back, you knew his dad. LORELAI: I know, but - RORY: And now he's in the middle of dealing with all this sad and practical stuff of his dad's death and he could really use more visitors - especially you. So go. Please. I want you to. LORELAI: Well, I'm glad to hear you say this, babe, because I'm sort of pulling up behind you here. [Rory looks to see the Jeep pull up behind her car.] RORY: Go. I'm taking off, so give him another hug for me. LORELAI: I will. RORY: And I told him to call if he needs a babysitter. Remind him of that. LORELAI: I will. Drive safe. [Rory drives away. Lorelai gets out of her car and walks up to the house, also carrying a paper bag. She rings the bell. Chris opens the door.] CHRIS: You just missed Rory. LORELAI: Eh, we're relaying it tonight. CHRIS: You guys are something else. LORELAI: We try. CHRIS: Milk and cookies? LORELAI [pulls out a bottle of tequila]: Grown-up milk and cookies. CHRIS: Come on in, friend. [He steps aside and Lorelai enters the house.] LUKE'S DINER - NEXT MORNING [A man wearing a Revolutionary War costume enters. Lorelai and Rory are sitting at their table.] LORELAI: Must you do that? RORY: Do what? LORELAI: Sip. RORY: Sip? You object to sipping? LORELAI: If it's done at a decibel level rivaling Louis Armstrong blowing a high 'C' then yes! I object! RORY: I'll put my mute on. LORELAI: Thanks, Satchmo. RORY: Mm! We're just minutes away from the big re-enactment! LORELAI: Oh, my God, do not talk in that high-pitched girly voice of yours! RORY: Oh, now, come on. LORELAI: You come on. RORY: I'm a girl, my voice is my voice. LORELAI: Well, I should have had a boy in anticipation of times like this. RORY: So it's your fault. LORELAI: Or Christopher's. Whoever supplies that girl or boy part of the chromosomes. RORY: It's the guy. LORELAI: I'm sorry I'm not vivacious. RORY: It was for a good cause. LORELAI: I never remember to drink water. That is the key. RORY: Lots of water! LORELAI: Pancakes! RORY: What about 'em? LORELAI: Surefire thing to make my head feel less awkward for being attached to my neck. RORY: Then you are getting pancakes. LORELAI: Have you ever been this hung over? I mean, I don't want to know because I don't want to hear about it, but if you have, I am sorry. And if you haven't, maybe your life has been a little too sheltered. Good night. [She puts her head down on the table.] [Kirk bursts into the diner half-dressed in a Revolutionary War costume.] KIRK: Has anyone seen Taylor? [Lorelai covers her ears.] KIRK: I need to talk to Taylor. Come on, people, time is of the essence. LORELAI: Throw something sharp at him. RORY: Haven't seen him, Kirk. KIRK: Oh, no. Oh, no. RORY: What's wrong? KIRK: Ah, nothing. Everything's fine. LORELAI: Lulu's dress okay, Kirk? And answer quietly. KIRK: It's perfect. Fits like a glove. Well, see ya. [He runs away.] RORY: I think his mother's over-stretching his laundry again. LORELAI: Where is Luke? I need to order before I puke! RORY: Was Dad drinking like this last night? LORELAI: Oh, he was the pusher. He just did not want to stop talking. Talking led to more drinking. Drinking led to more talking. But it was good. RORY [looking worried]: Yeah. LORELAI: I wasn't going to stay that long. I don't know if he even has many friends any more. All of his old buddies are scattered all around, you know? And his support group is two and heavily into Sesame Street. RORY: What time did you finally get home? LORELAI: Sun high, birds sing, head hurts. RORY: It was good that you went. LORELAI: Yeah, I know, he needed to vent, you know? And we alternated between feeling bad about his dad and not liking him so much for pretty much being a jerk his whole life. RORY: Well, the one time I met Straub, he did seem a little bitter. LORELAI: The night took a very weird turn when he started coming up with all of his dad's negative traits corresponding to the letters of the alphabet. RORY: What? LORELAI: 'A' he was absent, 'B' he was a bully, 'C' he was cold, 'D' he was dreary - RORY: What was 'K'? LORELAI: He was "Kuwait-y". RORY: Kuwait-y, like the country? LORELAI: Yes, as it got later it got sillier. RORY: Sounds like you're just what he needed. You might be his oldest buddy. LORELAI: True. But he talked on and on about you and how good it was that you visited. RORY: I'm glad. We had some stuff to figure out, and we've pretty much figured it out. LORELAI: Good. [Luke walks in.] LORELAI: Hi! LUKE: Oh, I didn't know you guys were here. RORY: Hi, Luke. [Luke and Lorelai kiss.] LORELAI: Hello, there. LUKE: I had to run to the store. [Points out the window.] Look at this, this re-enactment lunacy. LORELAI: Oh, we are so front row for that. LUKE: Your eyes are red. LORELAI: I had a bad night's sleep last night. LUKE: Oh, yeah? What happened? LORELAI: Well - RORY: Oh, I kept her up pretty late, you know, girl talk. LUKE: Oh, okay. So what do you guys want to eat? RORY: Well, she will have - LORELAI: More coffee, that's all I want. LUKE: Okay, how about you Rory? RORY: Yeah, I guess I'm fine with just coffee, too. LUKE: Oh, you two are easy. LORELAI: Spread that around, will you? LUKE: Will do. [He leaves to get the coffee.] RORY: What about your pancakes? LORELAI: Pancakes are hangover food, it would get him suspicious. RORY: Well, I could have ordered them for you. LORELAI: Well, I wasn't stopping you. RORY: I just wasn't fast enough. LORELAI: I shouldn't have lied about where I was last night. I'm over nineteen and lying to my boyfriend about stuff. That's wrong. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: I could just say his father died and I went over to comfort him. With tequila. Which we drank, all night long, alone. RORY: He didn't need to know. It's better that he doesn't know. LORELAI: He didn't need to know. RORY [shrieks]: Ooh, the re-enactment! It's starting! LORELAI [cringes]: Voice. RORY [lower]: The re-enactment. It's starting. LORELAI: Much better, let's go. OUTSIDE - BY THE GAZEBO [A small crowd has gathered to watch.] REVEREND: Welcome to Stars Hollow's new, historically accurate Revolutionary War re-enactment. And to the members of the press I'd like to point out that my best side is my right side. [silence] Left side's fine, too. I was just kidding. People forget that men of the cloth can crack jokes, too. [silence] Anyway, I'd like to introduce three special participants, [he gestures to the children standing next to him] Bobby, Tara and Craig, who were chosen from our own Stars Hollow elementary school to narrate what you see today. BOBBY: The year - CHILDREN: Seventeen Seventy-Nine. BOBBY: The location - CHILDREN: Stars Hollow. LORELAI: Children should shoot us for what we make them do. RORY: Sh. BOBBY: - fortune turning point when our brave town militia learned that a powerful British general was riding through the area to rejoin his troops and wage a decisive battle. It inspired an idea. TARA: First, the militia went off to block the high road. MAN #2: Come on, men! Let's block the high road! [The men turn and run away.] RORY: What about horses? Wouldn't they have had horses? LORELAI: Or at least some coconuts to bang together for a nice sound effect. CHILDREN: Brave our soldiers are. TARA: The British general had no choice but to take the only path or road on this snowy day. The road through Stars Hollow. CRAIG: Soon a scout arrived to warn of the general's coming. [A man rides by on a horse.] MAN [Calling out]: The British general is coming! The British general is coming! LORELAI: So expositional. RORY: I guess Tony Kushner wasn't available. CHILDREN: And then the general arrived. TAYLOR [riding in on a horse]: It's certainly unfortunate that the high road was blocked this day, forcing me to ride through town. LORELAI: Seriously. This dialogue is worse than From Justin To Kelly. CRAIG: Then a brave woman put herself in harm's way and emerged to distract the general. [The "brave woman" walks slowly out of the courthouse.] RORY: Is that your dress? LORELAI: Yeah. I made it to Lulu's specifications. Did she get bonier all of a sudden? RORY: And taller? TAYLOR: Good day, fair lady. You intrigue me. What have you to say? [The woman shakes her hair out of her face. It is Kirk.] TAYLOR: Kirk! RORY: Kirk? LORELAI: No wonder her breasts weren't holding it up. TAYLOR: What are you doing? Where's Lulu? KIRK: She's sick. I tried to find you but you weren't around and I didn't know what to do. TAYLOR: Everyone's looking! KIRK: I didn't want to let the town down, with the press here and all, so I just did it myself. TARA: That's the ugliest lady I've ever seen. TAYLOR: This is far and away the worst thing you have ever done. I am livid with you! KIRK: We're not supposed to be arguing, Taylor. We're supposed to be making love. TAYLOR: Dear God. [He gets down off the horse and plays along.] CRAIG: This simple, common woman whose livelihood defied laws of morality but acting in a fashion which God would forgive her, led the British general to the warmth of her boudoir. She saved Stars Hollow. [The Reverend snickers.] BOBBY: Reverend. REVEREND: Sorry. CRAIG: The British general was kept occupied long enough for Lafayette's troops to ambush his men - a decisive victory for the colonists. [The men who went to block the high road return.] CHILDREN: Thanks to the Stars Hollow militia and the woman whose livelihood [SCENE_BREAK] [The children trail off, out of synch.] RORY: Now what? Is it over? LORELAI: No idea. [they look around] How far are Kirk and Taylor going to take this thing? RORY [Staring at the door]: I'm not leaving 'till I find out. LORELAI: I have to get back to the Inn. Keep me posted. RORY: I'm riveted. [Lorelai leaves.] ELDER GILMORE POOL HOUSE [Richard is getting ready for work. Emily lets herself in.] RICHARD: Hello. EMILY: Hello, Richard. How are you? RICHARD: Very good. And you? EMILY: Excellent. I was going to check on the dog. I was thinking of putting up some fliers around the neighborhood. Fliers are tacky, but they work. And I thought you could look up on your computer where the best place to print them is. RICHARD: The dog is gone. EMILY: Gone? He's gone? RICHARD: She's gone. EMILY: I thought you said it was a boy. RICHARD: Well, apparently I misread what I saw. EMILY: She was very hairy down there. RICHARD: Your calls paid off. Some one you called called someone else, and somehow found the owner and she came and picked the dog up, late last night. EMILY: I didn't even hear anyone come by. RICHARD: Well, I would have called to let you know but I didn't see a light on and I didn't want to disturb you. EMILY: It wouldn't have disturbed me. RICHARD: Well, now I'll know for next time. Not that we'll ever find a dog in the yard again. EMILY: Yes. Well. I hope you told them to get an I.D. tag for it. It's irresponsible not to have one. RICHARD: I told them how much they put us out. I missed a half day's work, and you were inconvenienced even more. EMILY: Yes. Yes, I was. RICHARD: Her name was Princess, by the way. EMILY: Was it? Princess? [They look at each other for a moment.] Well, I should get back to the house. I've got a million things to do. RICHARD: I have to go to work. [He closes the door behind her.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY [Lorelai is pulling into the driveway in the Jeep and talking on her cell phone.] LORELAI: Believe me, I know the futility of fighting Mother Nature. She's been a real "mother" lately. Almost rivals my mother. [She laughs to herself.] Yeah, but you and your plow do control Mother Nature's droppings, a.k.a. the snow, and all I'm saying is could you try to keep it from blocking the Dragonfly's one and only driveway? You know, it kind of blocks us in and we get all cranky and claustrophobic, especially when we're out of coffee. Which I'm not anticipating, but I didn't anticipate it before and it happened, and I suffered withdrawal pains. [Pause] Right. Well, I really appreciate it. I actually like plows, you know? They look like fun. [Pause] Right. I'm sure plowing doesn't pay enough, though. That part's not fun. I used to be a maid. I know low wages. [She gets out of the car.] Well, I'm really not comfortable telling you what I made then or what I make now. Just, anything you can do will help. Okay, thank you. [She hangs up, staring at her front yard, which has been turned into an ice rink. Luke is walking toward her with skates in his hand.] LORELAI: What is this? LUKE: It's an ice rink. LORELAI: An ice rink? How did this happen? LUKE: Jack Frost brought it. LORELAI: Does he look like Luke Danes? LUKE: A little. Not as handsome. LORELAI: You made me an ice rink? LUKE: It's just a rink in a box. You set it up, you fill it with water, it's not a big deal. LORELAI: It is a big deal. It's a very big deal. [Luke hands her the skates.] LUKE: Here. Try it out. [They sit as she puts on the skates.] LUKE: My dad did this for me once. I was in a hockey phase. 'Till I broke my nose the first time. Skated right into a tree. LORELAI: What in the world inspired you to do this? LUKE: Well, I felt kind of bad about you and snow, the rough time you were having, and I really wasn't helping any by saying all that stuff about snow being a pain and impractical, and it's just icy water falling from the sky, and I thought maybe I'd get you two back together. Make you feel better about snow again. LORELAI: Oh, yeah? LUKE: I'm grumpy about stuff but I don't want you to be. [He helps her to her feet.] LUKE: Careful. LORELAI: I'm being careful. Thanks for reconciling us. LUKE: Any time. [Pause] You were lying this morning. LORELAI: What? LUKE: You said you were fine but you didn't look it. You get sick or something last night? LORELAI: No. No, I just had a headache. Still do. Just one of those things. LUKE: Yeah, I get headaches. I just feel bad. LORELAI: That's all it was, a headache. I love this ice rink! LUKE: Try it out. [She giggles as she starts to skate across the ice.] LORELAI: Oh, it's great! LUKE: Keep away from trees. LORELAI: Ah, I look like a dork but I love it. LUKE: You look fine. LORELAI: You want to be Randy to my Tai? LUKE: Nah, I'll just watch. [She skates around happily.] ____________END_______________

Plan: A: Yale; Q: Where does Christopher show up to make peace with Rory? A: Lorelai; Q: Who spends the evening with Christopher? A: Christopher's father; Q: Who just died? A: his place; Q: Where does Lorelai spend the evening with Christopher? A: Emily & Richard; Q: Who are briefly reconciled? A: a lost dog; Q: What do Emily and Richard find and take in? Summary: Wanting to make peace with Rory, Christopher shows up at Yale, but she brushes off his attempt at compromise. When Lorelai learns that Christopher's father just died, she spends the evening at his place trying to comfort him, then disdains to tell Luke the truth about where she was. Also, Emily & Richard are briefly reconciled when they find and take in a lost dog.

[Scene: The docks outside Dawson's House. Dawson and Pacey are sitting on the end of the docks fishing, and it is really early in the morning.] Pacey: Maybe we're too early. Maybe the fish are still asleep. Dawson: Fish don't sleep, Pacey. Pacey: You know, I'm really glad we're hanging out, but... Did our first jaunt together in months really have to be at sunrise? Dawson: Oh. I got something to tell you that I have a feeling will keep you awake. I like your sister, Pacey. Pacey: You like her, or you like her like her? Dawson: I'm talking about Gretchen Witter, not Winnie cooper. Pacey: Well, are we talking about the feelings of fondness and fellowship that naturally follow from an obligatory mistletoe kiss, or am I going to find you outside of my house holding a boom box over your head? Dawson: I'm crazy about her. Pacey: Well...You've had a crush on her for years. I mean, that's all this is, right? Dawson: No. This is more than a grade school crush. And even though she won't acknowledge it, I think, on some level, she feels the same way about me. Pacey: It's a hell of a lot to digest before breakfast, Dawson. Dawson: Well...Last spring, if you'd come to me and just told me how you felt about Joey, it would have made things a hell of a lot easier. So that's all I'm trying to do. Pacey: Dawson, you and I are friends. Friends. But sisters... Sisters are... Dawson: Off limits? Pacey: Yes! Sisters are off limits. They're like mothers, only pretty. Dawson: I'm not asking for your permission, Pace. I'm just letting you know. Pacey: So what are your plans? Dawson: My plans? Pacey: Yeah, to pursue my sister. What are you going to do? Dawson: Nothing. Pacey: Nothing? Dawson: Mm-hmm. Pacey: Well, what kind of plan is "nothing"? Dawson: Well, I've just decided to let things play out. If there's one thing I learned after last spring, it's that some things can't be forced. Pacey: So then your plan would be to not have a plan. Dawson: Exactly. Pacey: The Tao of Dawson is to do nothing. I've done nothing so far and we've already kissed. I figure the best thing I can do is just keep on doing nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Witter Family Vehicle. Pacey is sitting in the Passenger seat, while Gretchen is driving them to her old college apartment.] Pacey: What's with the rush? Gretchen: At this speed, I can get to school, grab my car and get out of there before dark. Pacey: Your car hasn't been at school for months. All of a sudden you decided your friends have borrowed it for too long? Gretchen: Friend. Well, um, actually... Ex-boyfriend. Pacey: Nick has had your car this whole time? You know, I always liked that guy. Gretchen: You don't know him. Pacey: Nick and me? Dos amigos. Gretchen: You sat with him for a couple of hours when I brought him home for Christmas. Pacey: Yeah, so I know that he likes the Patriots, pretzels, and a good party. I know he'd rather sleep and sail than study. Plus the man has excellent taste in music. His favorite song is Freebird. Gretchen: You just described yourself. Pacey: Well, great men think alike. Gretchen: Ha! Pacey: I just think it's wonderful that the two of you will be able to get to spend some quality time together. Gretchen: Does your sudden proclivity for my ex-boyfriend have anything to do with a certain fair-haired pal of yours? Pacey: Who? Dawson? Nah. Why should I care about Dawson? You assured me that that kiss meant nothing. Even though, you know, it really didn't look like nothing. 'Cause, you know, it kind of went on a little bit long to be nothing. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't think it's nothing. But if you said it's nothing, it's nothing. Gretchen: Dawson and I are just friends. That's it. Trust me. Pacey: Ok. Guess you've earned my trust. This music doesn't entirely suck, it's...[He picks up the CD case] "Great tunes for Gretchen. From Dawson." That would be leery. So he made you a mix CD? Aw, how sweet. Did I ever mention that nick is not only smart, but also quite handsome? I mean, really, he's a good-looking guy. He works out, doesn't he? [Scene: Dawson's house. Dawson and Jack are moving things around in one of the rooms, so they can paint it to get it ready for the new baby.] Dawson: Hey, did you think it was weird when Andie was dating Pacey? Jack: Not really. Why? Dawson: 'Cause Pacey really doesn't like the idea of Gretchen and me. Jack: Well, sure. I mean, she's his sister and you're his-- his close friend. I didn't really know Pacey when he hooked up with Andie. But if I had to think about you and Andie, you--let's not go there. [Gale and Mitch come into the room.] Mitch: Well, Dawson may have a sister before long. Then he'll understand. Dawson: Or a brother. I find out in a couple hours, right? Gale: Uh, well, no. Actually, honey, we've changed our mind again. Mitch: I mean, should we really use technology to cheat what may be life's last great mystery? Gale: Or is it anticlimactic to wait until the baby is born? Mitch: Hmm. Gale: Hmm. Dawson: You know, whatever you guys decide is fine. Just let me know, so I can figure out what to do with the pink and blue paint that I have on hold. Mitch: Good point. Gale: Come on, we're going to decide in the car. Dawson: Good luck. [They leave and Jack opens the top drawer on a dresser so they can move it, and Dawson notices a letter in it and takes it out.] Jack: What's that? Dawson: Remember I told you I used to write Gretchen these silly little letters? Jack: Yeah. Dawson: This is the last one I wrote, one I never sent. [Laughs] oh, god, this is embarrassing. I'm all gushing and lovesick. Jack: Uh-huh. Maybe you should say some of that to her, now. Dawson: No. I told her how I feel. Jack: Not like that, I bet. Dawson: No, I told her like an adult. Jack: Well, maybe if you acted more like a kid, you might be with her. Dawson: Last time I acted like a kid with my feelings, I ended up trying to prove something in a boat race. Remember that? Jack: Oh, yeah. Dawson: Not my finest moment. Besides, she knows how I feel about her. You know, if...If it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, that's the way it goes. Jack: Hmm. Zen and the art of dating. Congrats. I think you've created a new movement. Dawson: Yeah. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey is carrying a sign that reads “Closed for Renovations”, while Drue is sitting at the counter flipping through his little “Black Book.”] Drue: Closed for renovation. You know, this free time presents sort of a steak or lobster dilemma. Now, do I go cheerleader or drama club chick tonight? What do you think? Joey: Mmm. Flip a coin. Heads is bimbo, tails is skank. Drue: Where's the love, huh? Joey: After working with you for the last 6 days, I don't know. I guess I lost it. Drue: How do you plan to observe your Sabbath? Joey: Oh, a relaxing little experience known as researching my English term paper. Drue: Let me guess. How to keep a boyfriend and your virginity or the many uses of the human hand. Joey: Finally a subject you know all about. Drue: Oh, very good, Joey. Very good. You see, that is what we refer to as a comeback or a retort. I believe in French it's riposte. [Mrs. Valentine comes into the room carrying a date book.] Mrs. Valentine: Good news, darling. Your father's spirit guide has allowed him to leave his crystals and meditation mat long enough to come to New York on business, and he wants to see you tonight. Drue: And this is good news on what planet? Mrs. Valentine: On the planet where child support payments are still being negotiated. Here's your bus ticket. Drue: I don't suppose I have any choice in this matter? Mrs. Valentine: Well, of course you do. You can sit up front near the driver or back near the restrooms. [Mrs. Valentine hands him the ticket and leaves.] Joey: Bon voyage. Drue: Sorry to step on your exit line, but I don't think we finished here. Joey: My station is closed down. Drue: These need to go into the storeroom tonight. [Points to the boxes of dishes.] [Scene: The College campus. Pacey and Gretchen pull up in front of the house where Gretchen lived at on campus. There are people all over the place getting ready for parties.] Pacey: This is definitely my kind of place. Gretchen: It's a place you're going to see very little of. Remember, we get the car and we leave. Pacey: It might be kind of difficult. Gretchen: No, it won't. Pacey: Well, if that's the car you plan on driving out of here, yes, it will. [Points to the car in the driveway with it's hood open and missing 2 tires.] Gretchen: That lying jerk. I can't believe I fell for his crap again. Pacey: Don't you think you're being a little tough on the lying jerk? I'm sure there's an explanation for that. Gretchen: Yeah, there always is. [Nick comes out of the house with a woman which he hands a bag, and gives her a hug before she leaves.] Nick: Gretchen! My god, you look beautiful. Gretchen: You son of a bitch. Nick: I can explain. Gretchen: Hey, I don't want to hear it. All right? I just want my car back now, and I want to get as far away from you as possible. Nick: I know I said everything was fine, but this morning when I checked, I noticed that the solenoid assembly was clogged, so— Gretchen: Solenoid assembly? Pacey: It's part of the carburetor. It draws air into the— Gretchen: I know what the carburetor is, ok, guys? And I know you don't need to remove the tires to unclog it. Nick: Remember all your road trips? Low tread. I knew I risked losing your trust. All right? And frankly, you can hate my guts all you want. And, yeah, it hurts. But not as much as if something happened to you. I couldn't live with that. Pacey: Thanks for looking out for her, man. Gretchen: Yeah. Nick Taylor is a renowned protector of women. Nick: Her name's Laura Wolner. She's a junior geology major. Gretchen: I don't really care. Nick: She lives here. Gretchen: That's her problem. Nick: Except for tonight. All right? I asked her for a favor. She's going to go stay at her mom's house so that you can have her room. If you want to leave, we'll fix the car later and you're gone. Listen, since all of your old friends are going to be here tonight, I figured you'd be up late. Might be nice to have a comfortable place to crash. Gretchen: God help me. Nick: Laura's room is the first one on the left. By the time you get washed up, me and Pacey will have you a nice medium-rare veggie burger with your name on it. Gretchen: You think you know me so well, don't you? Nick: As well as any guy can. You like imported beer, Pacey? Pacey: I'll, uh... [Scene: Grams' House. Dawson is walking up to her house carrying a box of old clothing, when Grams and Mr. Brooks come outside.] Mr. Brooks: See you tonight, Evelyn. Grams: I can hardly wait, Arthur. [He walks into Dawson as he passes.] Mr. Brooks: Ah. If you value your life, not a word. [He turns and leaves.] Dawson: I--I thought you might be able to, uh... Give these clothes away to the church. Grams: Oh, Dawson, thank you. Dawson: So, uh... Are you two... Are you two dating? Grams: Oh, Dawson. Please. At my age, one does not date. Dawson: Well, it sounded like you were going to see him later on tonight. Grams: We are simply having dinner at your parents' restaurant, and then we are going to Rialto 16 to see Almost Famous. Dawson: Well, dinner and a movie on a Saturday night is pretty much a definition of a date. Grams: Say, are you this protective of Jennifer? Dawson: Uh... Jen is well-versed in the pitfalls and problems of relationships. Grams: Although I have not felt this way since Jennifer's grandfather passed on, I assure you, I also am well-versed. Thank you for your concern, Dawson. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Drue and Joey enter the store room carrying several boxes.] Drue: You know what your problem is? Joey: Drue, the only problem I have in my life right now is that I have to be around you. Fortunately, as soon as I put these dishes away, I am on break from my problem. [Drue tries to help he put the box onto the top shelf] Don't touch me, please! It's creepy enough to be in here with you. Fine. If you move those boxes... [Drue grabs the boxes by the door and it closes behind him.] Drue: We'll open it. Not a problem. [He tries to open the door and the handle comes off.] Ok? This could be a problem. Joey: There's got to be another way out. Drue: Oh, there's another way out. When the cleaning crew arrives. Monday morning. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey and Drue are still in the store room and Joey is banging on the door trying to get anyone's attention.] Joey: Hello? Anyone there? Drue: You're going to hurt yourself if you keep doing that. Joey: I'm going to hurt you if you don't shut up. [Joey goes into her purse and pulls something out.] Drue: Going to freshen your face? Joey: No. I'm going to pick the lock. Drue: An eyebrow pencil. Joey: You got a better idea? Drue: What, do I look like Macgyver? Joey: No. He was smart enough not to move a box which was propping open a door. Drue: Well, you know what? If you would have just accepted my help, we wouldn't be here in the first place. Now I know why you're still a virgin. You have serious trust issues with men. Not to mention some rather dubious grooming habits. Joey: What do you think you're doing? Drue: I'm taking inventory of our rations. We have my Slim Jim to your 2 Altoids. We could have a snack and fresh breath. Joey: If you try to touch me or my stuff one more time, I swear to god, I'm going to take this eyebrow pencil and put it through your heart. Am I being clear? Drue: Crystal. Joey: Good. Drue: By the way, you should really try and clean out your brush occasionally. [Scene: The College House. Nick and Pacey are outside sitting in the hot tub talking to each other.] Nick: Imagine an environment where nearly the whole city is your age. Beer flows like tap water. Parties are ubiquitous and eternal. And the whole thing's paid for by cheap, long-term government loans. Pacey: This is the life. Nick: I know. Let's face it. High school sucks. Man was not created to spend 7 hours a day, 5 days a week crammed into a tiny desk. The whole system panders to the lowest common denominator. Standardized tests. Standardized courses. Pacey: Standardized lunches. Nick: Exactly. And that's why anyone who isn't standard doesn't fit in. College is a fresh start, you know? You get to be whoever you want to be. [Gretchen walks up to the side of the hot tub.] Gretchen: Why am I not surprised to see the two of you getting along? Pacey: I like this guy, Gretchen. Gretchen: 2 peas in a pod. More like 2 slackers in a tub. Nick: Care to join us in the healing waters? It does wonders for the soul. Gretchen: My soul is just fine. Girl: Hey, Gretchen. [The girl waves for Gretchen to join her.] Nick: No offense, but I must say, all of her is fine. Pacey: No offense taken. And now that you mention it, she can really use a guy like you in her life. Nick: She doesn't have a guy in her life back home? Pacey: Nope. I'm telling you, you should go for it, my friend. [Scene: The Dawson house. Dawson and Jack are doing some painting in the baby's room. Jack is talking to Dawson, but Dawson is staring at the wall obliviously.] Jack: 18 years apart? I mean, that's wild. When this kid graduates high school, you're going to be, like, 36. He's just-- well, he or she-- is just going to be beginning their life, and... Yours will be pretty much over. And you're not listening to a word that I'm saying, are you, Dawson? Dawson: Uh...No. Sorry. Jack: Oh, well. What's going on? Dawson: I'm worried about grams. I'm afraid she's going to get her heart broken. Jack: I thought her heart belonged to the lord. Dawson: And possibly Mr. Brooks. Jack: You got to be kidding me. Crotchety old Mr. Brooks? Are you sure about that? Dawson: It's getting to be like on Golden Pond over there. Jack: Hey, good for her. I mean, now she's got somebody to keep her company, to read with, build fires with. After all, she did say that "love is the hardest of woods." Dawson: Brooks is sick, Jack. He's dying. Jack: Oh, god. I don't-- I mean, after what happened with her husband, wh--how could she fall for somebody who's dying? Dawson: Well, obviously she doesn't know. He hasn't told her. Jack: Well, then you have to. Dawson: Me? Jack: Someone has to. If you don't, I will. Dawson: If you could have seen how happy she was. Jack: The only reason she's happy is because she doesn't know the truth. Dawson: Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Jack: Ok. You were happy before you found out about Pacey and Joey seeing each other. Now, would you have rather stayed in the dark or would you have rather someone come to you and told you the difficult truth at the beginning? [Scene: The Store room. Joey and Drue are still locked in. Drue is sitting on a box and Joey is looking around.] Drue: If I was the one in here with a sweater, I would share it. Joey: Let me think about it. No. Drue: Ok, but I want you to know if something happens to me, you have my permission to pursue whatever indelicate though life-sustaining tastes-just-like-chicken measures you see fit. Joey: I see some cans up there. Maybe we can dig up something to eat. [Joey starts climbing to get to the cans on the top shelf.] Drue: You're going to fall and break your neck, at which point I am taking your sweater. Hey, I wonder who they're going to get to play you in the TV version of our ordeal, huh? Probably some former teen series idol who's trying to break into features. Joey: Would you just shut up? Drue: Ok. You go right ahead. I'm sure Lacey Chabert can't wait to cop an attitude and win the Emmy. Joey: Ecch. We can't eat this. This expired, like, when I was born. [Joey falls down and Drue catches her. He kisses her and she slugs him.] Drue: Could have just said thanks! [Scene: The College house. Nick and Gretchen are standing and talking to each other outside.] Nick: Must be kind of tough out there, huh? Gretchen: I have a life now. Now I have friends, have a job, great place by the water. Nick: Come on. You don't miss it just a little bit? Gretchen: This? No way. Nick: I don't believe that. Gretchen: It's true. Nick: There's that thing. Gretchen: What thing? Nick: You know. That little thing you do when you're hiding something. You stick out your chin. Gretchen: I do not. Nick: Yes, you do. You know what always drove me crazy about you, Gretchen? That little line right there on your chin. Gretchen: It's not going to work, Nick. Nick: What? Gretchen: Don't play, "I'm just a sensitive boy who needs to be understood" with me. I'm not going to go upstairs to see your guitar, so don't ask. [Pacey comes up to join them.] Pacey: It is so good to see you guys together. Honestly. Hey, can you believe that this woman is still single, considering what an amazing catch she is? Gretchen: Ok, before you try and show all my teeth to prove what good breeding stock I am, you'll have to excuse me. [Gretchen leaves the two of them alone.] Pacey: You know she's crazy about you, right? She talked about you the whole ride up here. I mean, it's like the two of you were meant to be together. So whatever happened? Nick: Our lives just moved in 2 separate directions. [Nick points to a woman who is waving to Pacey.] I think I see someone that wants to move in your direction. Pacey: I don't think that'd be such a grand idea. Nick: Her name's Christie. She likes horses, water sports, and back rubs from guys just like you, buddy. You can't go wrong. Pacey: Oh, but I can go wrong. There is someone back at home that would think that that's a very, very bad idea. Nick: That certain someone here? I don't think so. And I am definitely not going to say anything. [Nick throws him his keys] Second room upstairs to the left. Condoms are in the cigar box next to the futon. I'm going to go talk to your sister. Pacey: Nick— Nick: Hey, don't mention it, man. Guys like me and you, we got to look out for each other. [Scene: Grams House. Grams is in the kitchen when Dawson knocks on the door and comes in. Grams is all dressed up for her non-date.] Grams: Oh, Dawson! Come in, come in. Dawson: Hi. I'm, uh... On my way-- on my way over to go, uh, go to Mr. Brooks', but I just-- I--wow! Grams: What? What is it? Dawson: You--you're-- you look...Beautiful. Grams: Oh, thank you. I... Well, I... I hope this dress isn't too much. Wouldn't want anyone to think we were dating. Dawson: Um...Getting into a new relationship can be intoxicating. Grams: I noticed you aren't bearing any clothes for the church, and I know that you know Jennifer is away at a fishing concert. Dawson: Uh, Phish broke up. It's widespread panic. Grams: Hmm. "I know a bank where the wild thyme blows, "where oxlips and the nodding violet grows." [Chuckles] Oh, dear, now... What was it you wanted to talk about, Dawson? Dawson: I just wanted to say have a great time tonight. Grams: I know he's sick. Dawson: You do? Grams: Isn't that what you were trying to tell me? Dawson: [Sighs] So he told you? Grams: Of course not. Arthur Brooks wouldn't just come right out and tell someone that. Dawson: Well, then how did you know? Grams: I've been a nurse for 47 years and a woman a few years longer than that. Dawson: But if you know, how can you start something with him? Grams: It's very simple. We laugh together, we share the same interests, we look at life the same way. Do you know how hard it is to find a friend like that, Dawson? Dawson: Yeah, I think I do. Um...I also know how hard it can be when it doesn't last. Grams: A moment, a single moment of true joy is more powerful than a lifetime of sorrow. [Scene: The College house. Pacey is walking when Gretchen comes up to join him as he walks outside. ] Pacey: Let me tell ya. Your ex puts the "A" in hole. That man is just a world-class jerk. Gretchen: I know that, Pacey. I tried to tell you. Pacey: Well, I guess we've both had enough of him for tonight, right? Gretchen: You don't need to protect me. Pacey: He's the reason you left school, isn't he? Gretchen: I am the reason that I left school. Pacey: So what happened? What did he do to you? Gretchen: Nothing I didn't allow to happen. Look, it's my fault, too, you know. I can't just blame him and neither should you. Pacey: For what? Gretchen: I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. Pacey: I--I'm sorry, Gretch. I would not have been trying to force the two of you back together. I am...Sorry. So how did he react when he found out? Gretchen: He doesn't know. I didn't want to interrupt his plans to sleep with half the theta house. Pacey: What a dick. What a dick! I can't believe I was hanging out with that guy thinking how cool he was. I am gonna— Gretchen: no, no, you are not! Ok, I am not a victim here, Pacey. And I don't want him to know. You know, nobody knows about this except Dawson. Pacey: You told Dawson Leery before you told me? Gretchen: He's my friend. Pacey: I'm your brother! Gretchen: With a very specific idea of how a sister is supposed to behave. Look, I left school to work on who I want to be. You know, I can't try fitting that into everybody else's idea of what that is. Pacey: You know? Fair enough. At least you now know who Nick really is. Gretchen: Pacey, everything that you liked about him I still like about him, too. [Nick comes out to join them] Nick: Hey. Hey. Did you miss me? [Nick and Gretchen go back inside, while Pacey just watches them.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Mr. Brooks House. Dawson is cutting together some of the scenes of his movie, while Mr. Brooks is getting ready.] Dawson: I don't understand why you would want to cut the scene before it's over. Mr. Brooks: Nobody's saying anything. Dawson: Look at your face! Look at that expression. And that says more than any words ever could. Mr. Brooks: You're developing a pretty good eye, Mr. Leery. Obviously you're hanging out with the right people these days. Dawson: It would seem so. Mr. Brooks: Before you run off, um... I wondered if you could help me with something. Dawson: Uh, sure. Mr. Brooks: Evelyn Ryan and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, and I have grown rather fond of her. I'd like her to know that. So, uh... [He takes out some earrings] Do you think it's too much? Dawson: Um...I'm not the person to talk to about that. Mr. Brooks: What's the matter? Bother you that 2 adults are keeping company? Dawson: No, I just--I don't think it's my place to give advice about this. Mr. Brooks: Is that because a dying man just told you that he's fond of a woman who's like a grandmother to you? Dawson: Do you have any idea what she went through with her late husband? Mr. Brooks: Uh-huh, actually, I do. Dawson: Well, then— Mr. Brooks: If I care about her, how could I put her through all that again, hmm? Dawson: [Sighs] exactly. Mr. Brooks: One thing worse than the pain of loss is the aching void of inaction. She's not the kind of person who can live with that. She knows I'm sick. Dawson: So...She knows, and you know she knows, and yet neither one of you have said anything about it. Mr. Brooks: No need. When you get to the end of the race, it's both obvious and inevitable. Make no mistake about it, kid, god intends to kill us all. You'll find that, uh, you don't have to have your life dictated by the cosmos. You fall in love with the wrong woman, you tell fate to piss off, you don't like its plans for you. Sure...Heartache to be had, but it's a small price to pay for living and dying on your own terms. Dawson: Give her the earrings. Mr. Brooks: Thank you, kid. [Scene: The College house. Nick and Gretchen are sitting on the couch talking to each other as a party goes on all around them.] Nick: You ever think about me? Gretchen: Rarely. Nick: Chin. Gretchen: Occasionally. Nick: I think about you. Gretchen: Yeah? Nick: Remember that time we locked ourselves in my room and studied for that astronomy mid-term? Gretchen: [Laughs] we failed the test the next day. Nick: Yes, we did. But it was worth it, wasn't it? Gretchen: We've had a lot of good times together. "Had" being the operative word. We are past tense. Nick: No, we're old friends. And the best thing about old friends is that they know you. They know what makes you tick. Gretchen: There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Nick. A lot's happened to me since I left. Nick: I know you've gotten more beautiful. Do you want to come up to my room and talk about the rest? Gretchen: You're drunk. Nick: You're gorgeous. Gretchen: Do you ever change? Nick: You know who I am. I mean, isn't that why you came? And don't tell me it was to pick up your car, because we both know that's not true. You've come a long distance. Don't you want to go the rest of the way? [He stands up and he and takes her hand and they go upstairs while Pacey just watches them go.] [Scene: The store room. Joey is pacing while Drue is sitting down holding a can up to his blackened eye.] Joey: You're supposed to— Drue: back off! Joey: I was just trying to help. Drue: Yeah. Well, if I get any more help from you, I'll be spending my freshman year of college in traction. Joey: You know if anyone should be upset, it should be me. Drue: What? You tried to kill me! Joey: You tried to kiss me! Drue: I saved your life, ok? I was just acting on the moment. Joey: Yeah, well, so was I. Drue: How'd a pretty girl like you get so damn mean? Joey: I'm not mean. Drue: Are you kidding? The busboys are terrified of you. They call you "el Toro." Joey: Really? Well, you know, when you're used to living on your own, you learn how to take care of yourself, and I guess you develop a little bit of a thick outer shell. Drue: And a pretty decent right cross. You know, at least your father's in prison. Having to spend time with my dad is like being in prison. Joey: I thought your dad was this wealthy businessman who— Drue: yeah, who seemed like the coolest guy in the world until the day I discovered him fervently studying the kama sutra on my mother's new Mexican tile kitchen floor with someone who was most definitely not my mother. [Joey comes and sits next to him taking her sweater off and putting it over both their laps.] Drue: Bless you. Joey: Just keep your hands where I can see them. Drue: So where's your beau this evening? Is he going to be frantically checking hospitals for you? Joey: He's on a road trip with his sister. Drue: How do you stay in a relationship with someone who is so different from you? Joey: We're not that different. Drue: Oh, please. You're responsible and reasonable. He's reckless and rash. Joey: Yeah, but part of his recklessness is that he's constantly surprising me. And part of his rashness is that he's intensely passionate. Those differences are important. They make for a richer relationship. Drue: Maybe in high school. But last I heard, Harvard wasn't admitting the rash boyfriends of candidates just to keep the world's cutest couple together. Joey: How would you like a broken nose to go along with that black eye? Drue: Lighten up. [Scene: Nick's bedroom. Nick and Gretchen come up to the room, and it has several candles already burning throughout the room.] Gretchen: Looks like you were expecting company. Nick: I missed you, Gretchen. Gretchen: I can't believe I'm doing this. Nick: Why? You knew this was going to happen. You've been thinking about this since you left. I know you, Gretchen. I know how you think. Gretchen: Well, what am I thinking right now? Nick: You're thinking that my arms feel amazing around you. That I fit you like a puzzle piece that's been missing. That you'll lose yourself in me the rest of the night and never look back. [He takes her over to the bed and lies her down and she sits down next to him and they kiss and lie back.] Gretchen: Mmm...Ahh... [She stops him and pushes him back] You know, that used to be enough. Nick: I'm what they told you to stay away from, huh? The cookie jar high on the shelf. The person that's wrong for you. But, see, that's why a girl like you... Wants a guy like me. Gretchen: You're totally right. And do you know what I just realized? I'm not that girl anymore. [She looks over and he has fallen asleep.] Gretchen: Nick? Nick? Thank you, Nick Taylor. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the college house. Pacey is finishing up fixing Gretchen's car when she comes out to join him.] Pacey: Hey. I've finished up the work on the car. And I found your tires. They were just on the side of the house. All you needed was a couple of flats patched. The treads were fine. Gretchen: Thank you. Pacey: I fixed the car. I just wish I could do the same thing for your life. Gretchen: Pacey— Pacey: I don't understand why you'd fall for such a self-centered, egocentric jerk like nick. You know, I know that you were a cheerleader all during high school, and I know that you always had the good grades and the good behavior and the good boyfriends, and I can understand that maybe you just got a little tired of being good all the time, and I understand that people get tempted. But why this guy? He's an ass! [Sighs] I guess it's kind of my fault. I pushed you into the guy. Gretchen: This is not your fault. Pacey: Well, it is kinda my fault. I wanted you to be with him. I wanted you to be with somebody that I understood. I wanted you to be with somebody who was maybe a little bit more like me. Gretchen: You are nothing like nick. Pacey: Well, regardless... You deserve someone who's going to listen to you and commit to you. You deserve someone who's going to make you the absolute center of their universe. You deserve somebody— Gretchen: someone like Dawson? Pacey: Oh...Ha ha. That's not what I said. Gretchen: That's what you meant. Nothing happened last night, Pacey. It almost did until--until I realized why I came here. Pacey: Well, didn't you come here to see nick? Gretchen: No. I came to say good-bye to nick. And more importantly, good-bye to a part of myself that I've always struggled with. And do you know where I got the strength to say good-bye? From you. Starting when they're little girls, sisters look to their brothers for cues on how they should be treated. And--and you're right. I deserve so much better than nick. And my heart knows that because I have a brother who treats me so well. Pacey: So...Wait. Hold on a second. Does this mean that you also realize that you need better music in your life? Because if that's the case, I have this Pink Floyd CD that I think you'll love— Gretchen: that's ok. There's a certain CD mix that I want to listen to. Pacey: Ok. Gretchen: See you at home. Pacey: Yes. See you back there. [She pulls away from him as he watches her go.] [Scene: The baby's room. Dawson and Jack are busy painting around the windows and the corners of the room.] Dawson: Jack, do you believe in inevitability? Jack: You mean, do I think I busted my shoulder because of fate? Dawson: Yeah. Do you ever wonder if you could've changed what happened? Jack: You have no idea how many times I have thought about that one. I mean, what if I would have caught the ball differently? You know, hit the ground differently? What if I would have brushed my teeth 3 seconds longer that morning, arriving to practice 2 seconds later? Dawson: And the answer? Jack: The answer is I don't know. I'm sick of thinking about it. Thinking about it is more debilitating than the injury. Dawson: Brooks is dying... And he's actively pursuing a relationship with grams who knows, but doesn't seem to mind. Jack: Well, maybe he finds strength in taking action, and maybe she finds comfort in her religion. I mean, the arbitrary nature of life and love, you know, it can be frightening. Everybody has their own way of coping with it. Even you. Dawson: What does that mean? Jack: Well, don't you think it's possible, what's driving this, uh, this Tao of yours is nothing more than fear? Dawson: I'm just trying not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. Jack: Has it ever occurred to you, san-san, that maybe they're not mistakes at all. Maybe this is exactly where you're supposed to be at this moment in time. With a girl that you wanted way before Joey potter, holding a letter that expresses exactly how you feel about her. [Scene: The Store room. Joey suddenly wakes up. Drue and Joey are leaning against a box. Joey fell asleep leaning on Drue's shoulder.] Joey: Oh, I thought it was just a nightmare. Drue: Good morning to you, too. Joey: Did you actually sleep? Drue: I couldn't. Someone was sawing some serious lumber. Joey: I do not snore. Drue: You could have laid waste to an entire national forest. Joey: I'm surprised I could even sleep. You aware of the 24-hour antiperspirant? [Buzzing] Joey: What's that buzzing? Drue: What's what buzzing? Joey: There's something buzzing. Drue: Go back to sleep. You're dreaming. Joey: It's in your pocket. What is that? [She reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone.] Drue: Hey! Hey, I'd like a dinner and a movie before we get to that. Joey: You've had this in your pocket the whole time? Drue: Oh, yeah. I forgot. Joey: Hello? Yes, we're in the basement storage room. You can talk to him when you get down here. What's left of him. Drue: We're saved! Joey: You orchestrated this whole thing! Drue: Now, why would I want to do something like that? Joey: Because you are a sick, twisted, pathological little pervert. Drue: Do you really think I'd go through all this trouble just to have you fall asleep on my shoulder? Joey: Well, how do I know what you were doing while I was sleeping? Drue: I resent that. I was a complete gentleman. I absolutely did not peek down your shirt at your eggshell-colored, 34c, maiden form, wire-rimmed bra with the little cute pink bow in the front clasp. [Mrs. Valentine opens the door and comes in.] Drue: Mother, thank god! Mrs. Valentine: My god! What have you done to my son? Joey: Ask him. It was all his doing. Mrs. Valentine: Oh, you're actually going to suggest that my son would rather be locked in a closet with you than spend the weekend with his father? Joey: [realizing everything] I'll see you at school, Drue. [Scene: Gretchen and Pacey's place. Gretchen pulls up to the house and walks over to the mailbox, where she pulls out a letter and begins to read it . It is the letter that Dawson wrote all those years ago. We hear Dawson's voice as she reads it. The scene fades from Her to Dawson, to Grams and Mr. Brooks on a bench together, to Pacey and Joey sitting wrapped up in each other on her pier, and back to her driving.] Dawson: Dear Gretchen, I really enjoyed talking to you in your room today. Try not to be nervous about starting high school. I know you're going to find people who understand you. There's something that I didn't get a chance to tell you. There's someone truly special in my life that I can't stop thinking about. She's unlike anyone I've ever met. Smart and funny and beautiful, and just knowing that she's in my life has given me this constant fluttering that keeps me awake at night. When I think about who I can talk to about this, who will understand. The only person that comes to mind is you. And that's a problem, because you are the one that I feel this way about. I think about you constantly, every little thing you do. The Elvis Costello sticker you put in your spiral notebook, the way your bangs have grown out every day now for 6 months until Monday when you were finally able to put it all in a ponytail. And today when you invited me to stay and talk to you after Pacey left. It occurred to me that you must think about me, too. If I tried to tell anyone else, they would say that you and I are impossible, that our lives are too different, that we could never be right for each other. But we understand each other and we care about each other. And years from now, I believe that we still will. Your friend forever. Love, Dawson. [She pulls up to Dawson's house where he is outside putting away some of the cleaning supplies. He turns to see Gretchen pull up, and he watches her walk up to him with a smile on her face and a tear in her eye.] Dawson: What took you so long? Gretchen: I had a few things to do first..

Plan: A: Gretchen; Q: Who does Dawson have feelings for? A: the idea; Q: What does Pacey hate? A: a road trip; Q: What do Pacey and Gretchen go on? A: her ex-boyfriend's house; Q: Where did Gretchen and Pacey go to pick up her truck? A: Capeside; Q: Where does Gretchen live? A: a storage area; Q: Where does Joey get locked in? A: Drue Valentine; Q: Who locks Joey in a storage area? A: his father; Q: Who does Drue Valentine avoid visiting? A: Brooks; Q: Who is terminally ill? A: Grams; Q: What is the name of the woman who is dating Brooks? Summary: Pacey and Dawson finally start hanging out together again when Dawson tells him that he has feelings for Gretchen. Pacey hates the idea, so when he and Gretchen go on a road trip to her ex-boyfriend's house to pick up her truck, Pacey tries to get them back together. However, after being there for a while, Pacey sees that the guy he's trying to get Gretchen back together with is not who he thought he was. Back in Capeside, Joey has her fair share of problems when she gets locked in a storage area at the Yacht Club with Drue Valentine, an event he set up to avoid going to visit his father. Meanwhile, Dawson observes the feelings growing between Brooks and Grams and fears that Grams will get hurt when she finds out that Brooks is terminally ill. Gretchen finally gives into her feelings for Dawson.

INT. WAREHOUSE CLUB - NIGHT (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) (MUSIC PLAYS AS JOHN WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRCASE - DAY (VOICES B.G.) (JOHN RUSHES TO THE MEN'S ROOM/ URINATES) (ACTION CONTINUES: JOHN MOVES THE TRASHCAN TO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CEILING COLLAPSES) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY TONY: Kate, I've been meaning to ask you something for a while. KATE: What's that? TONY: What do you do with your leftover cereal when there's not enough to eat but there's too much to throw away? Because I was having Captain Crunch this morning and I was... KATE: (OVERLAP) Tony, I'm really not in the mood today. TONY: Well, I was just trying to take your mind off him. KATE: Who? TONY: The one that got away. KATE: Tony, I'm not thinking about that damn terrorist. TONY: Sorry. KATE: Look at Gibbs. He's been growling like a wounded bear since that night. TONY: Well, he is wounded, and he always growls like a bear. It's his way of never letting anyone know when he's hurting. Yours is being moody. KATE: (V.O.) I'm not moody! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY TONY: Oh, what do you call it? I feel sorry for whatever his name is. KATE: Sorry? TONY: Yeah. I wouldn't want Gibbs on my ass. KATE: We're never going to see that guy again. TONY: Maybe not. Gibbs will. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRWELL - DAY COP: (V.O.) Identification? GIBBS: Gibbs. N-C-I-S. COP: Right through here, Sir. TONY: Kate, have you ever been in a men's room before? KATE: No. Have you?(TONY CHUCKLES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Where've you been, Jethro? GIBBS: Someone knew a short cut, Duck. TONY: G.W. Parkway was like a parking lot this morning. DUCKY: I came on the G.W. Parkway after stopping at the hospital to visit with Gerald. GIBBS: How is he? DUCKY: He's going to be in rehab for months. I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro. GIBBS: Kate? KATE: Photos. GIBBS: Tony? TONY: Laser sketch. GIBBS: Talk to me about this case, Ducky. DUCKY: Oh, it's an odd one. Yes, our young friend here expired at approximately one a.m. GIBBS: Do we have an I.D.? DUCKY: Petty Officer First Class Chris Gordon. He's a S.K. stationed at Pax River. GIBBS: All this happened from him falling out of the ceiling? DUCKY: Hardly. He suffered multiple traumatic injuries. His fall through the ceiling only added insult to injury. GIBBS: I'm still waiting for the odd part. DUCKY: Someone dressed him after he was killed. GIBBS: That's odd. DUCKY: Well, I'll know more when I get him on the table. GIBBS: Where'd you find that? DUCKY: Safety glass, I think. GIBBS: Did you find his cell phone? DUCKY: What makes you think he had one? GIBBS: Scrape marks on his belt where he carried it. DUCKY: No. No cell phone. GIBBS: One obvious question, Duck. How did Petty Officer Gordon end up in the basement ceiling? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY TONY: Blood. GIBBS: There's a trail leading out to the parking lot. TONY: What about inside the door? GIBBS: We'll get there. Tony, do a hundred meter perimeter search. Kate, you keep snapping. TONY: Hey boss, check this out. GIBBS: Brake marks? TONY: That's what I thought when I was first walking up. But if they were brake marks, they'd start out light and gradually darken. GIBBS: Front wheel drive. He was accelerating. KATE: It looks like somebody ran over Petty Officer Gordon when he came out of the club, then hid his body. TONY: And nobody saw it? GIBBS: At least one person did, whoever ran him down. Preserve this area for evidence. Where's the guy who runs this nightclub? COP: We took his statement, then let him go. GIBBS: Are you in the habit of letting material witnesses go before they talk to investigators? COP: He had to leave. GIBBS: Why did he have to leave? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (SFX: BELL RINGS B.G.) GIBBS: Darin Spotnitz? DARIN: Maybe. GIBBS: How about now? DARIN: Definitely. GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. Special Agent Todd, Special Agent DiNozzo. DARIN: What's NCIS? TONY: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. DARIN: Is this about last night? GIBBS: It is. DARIN: Look, I already told the police all I know. GIBBS: Then tell us. DARIN: I didn't see anything. Don't know nothing. TONY: Let me guess - honors English? GIBBS: Recognize him? DARIN: There were like five hundred and thirty seven people there last night. GIBBS: You didn't answer my question. DARIN: No, I don't recognize him. I wasn't working the door. GIBBS: Who was? DARIN: Antwane. GIBBS: Hmm. Does Antwane have a last name? DARIN: Mann. With two n's. TONY: How do we find Antwane Mann with two n's? GIBBS: Nice P.D.A. DARIN: Actually, it's a Motorola A-three eighty eight. It's a P.D.A. plus cell phone and internet connection. Here's his home number, cell number, business number, fax number and address. GIBBS: Kate. KATE: Right. DARIN: You want me to beam it to you? KATE: Sure. GIBBS: How old are you? DARIN: Eighteen. (BEAT) Seventeen (BEAT) -- two months. GIBBS: You run this moving nightclub by yourself? DARIN: That's right. GIBBS: Do you have any employees? DARIN: Well, I hire them as subcontractors. That way they're responsible for a hundred percent of FICA and Medicare. Not just half. GIBBS: I'm sure they appreciate that. DARIN: Yeah, well any business school professor will tell you that the objective of any company is to motivate your employees so that they provide superior goods and services. That's why professors rarely ever succeed in business. KATE: But you do. DARIN: Yeah. I have no fixed costs. My direct costs are controllable. My purchases are two ten net thirty. My break even is two hundred and twelve people. My shots are dispensed by a machine to prevent any free drinks and I have internal controls to insure that all cash is accounted for. TONY: What's the deal with your hair? GIBBS: How do you think a guy from Lexington Park ends up an hour away at a party in Alexandria? DARIN: It's easy. It's a Darin Spotnitz party. I put a name brand on it, you know. It's a name brand. No on ever thought to put a brand name on a party until I did it. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) DARIN: Oh, sorry. I should take this. GIBBS: I wouldn't. DARIN: Or they could just leave a message. KATE: So what exactly does a Darin Spotnitz party mean? DARIN: Killer music, great drinks, and hottie factor off the charts. GIBBS: How do we get in touch with you? DARIN: (BEAT) Are you going to tell my parents about this? KATE: They don't know? DARIN: Well, it's kind of illegal for me to be in a nightclub. (KATE/TONY AND GIBBS WALK O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT KATE: So, if his breakeven is two hundred and twelve people and he had five hundred and thirty seven... TONY: Twenty five dollars a head... KATE: That means he cleared eight thousand, one hundred and twenty five dollars in one night. Huh! TONY: I should have majored in business. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ENLISTED QUARTERS - DAY VOICE: (V.O.) Petty Officer Gordon's quarters are around the corner, second door on the right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GORDON'S QUARTERS - DAY (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Somebody tossed this place. TONY: How can you tell? GIBBS: The furniture indentations on the carpet. No fingerprints or smudges on the ice box or the microwave. KATE: No sign of forced entry. Who would have access to his room? TONY: The guy he shares a head with. GIBBS: Or his C.O. KATE: How do you know he shares a bathroom? TONY: E-five and below you have up to four roommates - you share a head. E-six, you get your own space but you share a head. E-seven own room, own head. KATE: Like a sorority. TONY: Yeah. I wonder what they were looking for? KATE: I wonder if they found it? GIBBS: I wonder when you two guys are going to stop yakking and get to work. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS/ KATE AND TONY LOOK THROUGH THE APARTMENT) TONY: Looks like this guy was burning DVDs. That reminds me I've got to return Grease. It's a week overdue. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BATHROOM - DAY KATE: Apparently he was immune to germs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY TONY: Ah, this guy was way into reality shows. Real World, Simple Life, Punk'd... GIBBS: Punk'd? KATE: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is. TONY: Punk'd is an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it. GIBBS: Like Candid Camera. TONY: What's Candid Camera? (BEAT) What is it, boss? GIBBS: The funny thing about stereos, you can't hear the music unless the speakers are connected. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS OPENS THE SPEAKER) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GORDON'S QUARTERS - DAY KATE: Forty thousand dollars. All hundreds. Non-sequential. TONY: Now we know what they were looking for. KATE: And didn't find. GIBBS: Forty grand seems like a pretty good motive for murder. TONY: How does an E-six Petty Officer making two thousand three hundred and ten dollars a month manage to squirrel away forty grand in cash? GIBBS: Good question. KATE: I'm guessing it's not because he's frugal. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SUPPLY WAREHOUSE - DAY (SFX: FORK LIFT B.G.) NUTTER: Can I help you? GIBBS: Master Chief, NCIS. Do you got a minute? NUTTER: Is this about Petty Officer Gordon? GIBBS: It is. NUTTER: Keep your eyes open. These guys drive like they're at Indianapolis. GIBBS: You were Petty Officer Gordon's section chief. NUTTER: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: Good worker? NUTTER: He was one of the best. He was a bit of a practical joker. I occasionally had to remind him of the time and the place. TONY: Did he get along well with his mates? NUTTER: Oh, yeah. There were four guys in particular he was in tight with. I called them the five musketeers. TONY: Are they here? NUTTER: No, they work the sixteen shift. GIBBS: We looked over Gordon's quarters. We found forty thousand dollars in cash. Any idea where he could have got that kind of money? NUTTER: No, Sir. GIBBS: Master Chief, according to your records, you've been here ten years. I'm sure you know what goes on at this base more than most. NUTTER: That's correct, Sir. GIBBS: If you had to come up with a way that an E-six could accumulate that kind of money... NUTTER: Drugs, maybe. Although I'd bet my last dollar that Chris wasn't involved with drugs. I don't suspect gambling neither. KATE: You don't think sailors gamble? NUTTER: I'm sure they gamble, but it's dollar ante. If there was a regular big game, I'd know about it, Ma'am. GIBBS: Gordon was in supply. Any chance he was getting kickbacks? NUTTER: No chance at all. He wasn't high enough up the food chain to influence who got contracts or what was purchased. GIBBS: Ah, he'd have to be at what, your level? NUTTER: Yes, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY KATE: Gibbs wasn't real subtle with that kickback comment. GIBBS: I wasn't trying to be. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Ducky, you got some good news for me? DUCKY: Well, it depends on your definition of good news. GIBBS: Not the answer I was looking for. DUCKY: It seems the more I delve into our young friend here, the more bewildered I become. GIBBS: It's usually the other way around. DUCKY: Yeah, Petty Officer Gordon had multiple lower leg fractures; tibia, fibia. Massive abdominal bruising and echymosis and a subdural hematoma from a skull fracture. GIBBS: Consistent with being hit by a car? DUCKY: Entirely. GIBBS: So that's pretty straight forward. What's the mystery? DUCKY: There was a white substance on his hands. I sent it up to Abby. I could venture a guess as to what it might be. GIBBS: Sure. Venture away. DUCKY: Baby powder. GIBBS: Powder? Was this powder applied or from incidental contact? DUCKY: Most definitely applied. GIBBS: Why? DUCKY: I haven't the faintest idea. And that's not all. This sliver of safety glass is one of many I extracted from his skull. GIBBS: What's that stuck to the tip? DUCKY: Latex, I believe. Abby will be able to confirm. But the latex was between the glass and his skull. GIBBS: Meaning he was wearing something rubber on his head when he was hit? DUCKY: We know someone dressed him after he was killed, based on the condition of his clothes and the bloodstain patterns. GIBBS: I can see why you're confused, Duck. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS OUTER LAB - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) ABBY: It's grey latex. GIBBS: Rubber? ABBY: One and the same. GIBBS: Probably couldn't be used as a hat. ABBY: Yeah, well, not if you grew up in Dorkville. GIBBS: I grew up just west of there. ABBY: Latex is very popular in certain circles. GIBBS: Yeah? What kind of circles. ABBY: Oh hey, Gibbs. I don't know if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities. GIBBS: Oh, I'll stop you. ABBY: Okay, maybe he was wearing a latex hood. Like bondage gear, S and M fetish. GIBBS: Mm-hmm. ABBY: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon... GIBBS: Okay, stop! ABBY: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other half painted green wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying, "Go Packers!" GIBBS: Ah, that's just apples and oranges. ABBY: There's a fetish for that, too. GIBBS: What do you got? ABBY: I matched the tire track. It turns out it's not real popular, but not terribly unpopular. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INNER LAB - DAY ABBY: Kind of like my little brother in high school. ABBY: Those are the five cars that come equipped with that tire. GIBBS: Next. ABBY: All the blood samples from the bathroom, the parking lot, the ceiling, the stairs, were all from the victim. No drugs. And the blood alcohol level was point one zero. GIBBS: Legally drunk. ABBY: In all fifty states including the District of Colombia. GIBBS: That might explain how he ended up where he did in the parking lot. ABBY: Been there, done that. GIBBS: What about the stuff he had on his hands? ABBY: Baby powder. GIBBS: Any ideas why? ABBY: I don't know. Guys have all kinds of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy... he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date so he can be all pumped. GIBBS: Does Tony know that you know? ABBY: Does Tony know that you know? You know, maybe it came from the car. GIBBS: The baby powder? ABBY: No, the latex. Latex has a lot of commercial applications. I'm having a computer program emailed to me that'll recreate the accident based on the injuries. It'll give me a better idea. GIBBS: Let me know. ABBY: Hey Gibbs, do you have any fetishes? ABBY: I have three ex-wives. I can't afford fetishes. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Tony, are you a G S nine or a G S eleven? TONY: I can't tell you. KATE: Why not? TONY: Because if I do you'll know how much money I make. KATE: So? TONY: That's personal and confidential. KATE: I'm sorry, um... you give me every single detail about your dates. You leave out nothing. TONY: That's bragging. Money's personal. GIBBS: It's fifteen twenty. TONY: We're quitting early? (BEAT) We're going to PAX River. KATE: To pick up Gordon's buddies who come on at sixteen hundred. GIBBS: The four musketeers. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY BOWMAN: (V.O.) We um... we drove to the club after hearing about it from a guy on the Eisenhower, Sir. GIBBS: (V.O.) Why all the way to Alexandria? BOWMAN: We were bored with the clubs around Lexington Park. We knew everyone there. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY BOWMAN: And we wanted to meet some new people. Plus we heard this guy Darin Spotnitz threw some awesome parties. GIBBS: Hmm. How'd you get there? (PASSAGE OF TIME) MORGAN: I drove. GIBBS: You only took one car? MORGAN: Yes, Sir. We got there around eleven. GIBBS: Okay, then what? MORGAN: We paid our twenty five bucks, went inside, did a lap around the place, had a few drinks. GIBBS: Petty Officer Gordon was with you the whole time? (PASSAGE OF TIME) CARTER: Until he met a babe. GIBBS: Do you know her name? CARTER: No, Sir. Sorry. GIBBS: She and Gordon hit it off, huh? CARTER: Oh, yeah. GIBBS: What time did he leave? CARTER: Around midnight. With the girl. I figured he just went home with her. GIBBS: And you were headed for PAX River. (PASSAGE OF TIME) WONG: Our deal was if one of us got lucky, he was on his own in terms of getting back to base. GIBBS: That happen often? WONG: Not really. GIBBS: We found forty thousand dollars cash in Gordon's room. WONG: Forty thousand!? You're kidding. GIBBS: Any idea where he got all that money? WONG: No, Sir. GIBBS: What kind of car do you drive? (PASSAGE OF TIME) CARTER: Audi A-six. (PASSAGE OF TIME) BOWMAN: Three fifty Z. (PASSAGE OF TIME) MORGAN: Escalade. (PASSAGE OF TIME) WONG: Taurus. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM KATE: Taurus is one of the five cars that uses the tire. WONG: (V.O.) ...two years. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ON PDA: TAURUS IS ON THE LIST GIBBS: Is your car on base? WONG: It was. I loaned it to my brother a few days ago. GIBBS: Where is he? WONG: On his way to Phoenix to visit a girl he met on the Internet. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: A bunch of guys go to a club, one of them meets a woman and leaves, then turns up dead. TONY: Their stories are pretty consistent. GIBBS: A little too consistent. TONY: Do you think they're lying? GIBBS: I think they're well rehearsed. KATE: But if that's what really happened and they're telling the truth, then their stories should match. GIBBS: They all gave a consistent description of the mystery woman. Eyewitness accounts always widely vary. KATE: These guys are in the military, Gibbs, so you'd expect more accuracy from them than you would the general public. GIBBS: They're storekeepers, Kate, they're not SEALs. We know what happened to Gordon. What happened to the girl? KATE: We have no name and the description was basically, "she's super hot." So it doesn't narrow it down much. TONY: Except for Wong, for second class Petty Officers, those guys have some pricey rides. GIBBS: Put out an APB on Wong's Taurus, and talk to Antwane Mann... two n's. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BEAUTY SHOP - DAY MANN: What can I do for you, brother? Haircut? Manicure? A waxing? TONY: Definitely not a waxing. How about you, Kate? KATE: I'm Special Agent Todd, NCIS. This is Special Agent DiNozzo. Are you Antwane Mann? MANN: Proprietor of Soul Clips. TONY: Kind of ironic. MANN: What's that? TONY: You've got a hair salon and you're bald. MANN: I'm not bald. TONY: You're taller than your hair. MANN: I shave my head. TONY: It just seems redundant. KATE: We understand that you were working the door last night at the Darin Spotnitz party. MANN: That's right. My man, Darin. Boy knows how to throw a party. KATE: So you work as a bouncer and you own this business? MANN: Hey, I don't plan on working forever. I want to retire at fifty. KATE: How are you going to do that? MANN: Ah, by investing. KATE: Really. In what? TONY: Kate, the pictures? KATE: Oh, right. TONY: I want to show you a few pictures to see if you remember any of them from the club last night. MANN: That's a waste of time. There were over five hundred peop - hey, I remember him! I notice people's hair. You know, him and his buddies were the only ones who had cuts like that. TONY: Are these the buddies that were with him? MANN: Yep. KATE: Do you remember what time he left? MANN: He didn't. He came in the club around eleven o'clock. They found him dead a few hours later. KATE: So he didn't leave with a woman around midnight? MANN: No. (BEAT) But he did. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Why would all four lie about who left with the woman? KATE: To protect Wong. Or the woman. GIBBS: Or themselves. TONY: From what? GIBBS: That is the forty thousand dollar question. We're missing something. The evidence doesn't make sense. KATE: Haven't you already run every known terrorist through this program? GIBBS: I'm running it again. TONY: We know Gordon was purposely run down in the parking lot, probably died from a fractured skull, and somebody hid his body in the warehouse ceiling. KATE: The forty thousand we found hidden in his room gives someone a motive. TONY: A motive for who? For what? I mean, nothing ties into the money. KATE: Do you want us to bring in Wong? GIBBS: Nope. Not until we know where that forty thousand dollars came from. TONY: What do we do? GIBBS: The same thing Deep Throat told Woodward and Bernstein. Follow the money. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: Something's bugging me about the money. It's not just forty thousand dollars in cash. It's forty thousand dollars in non-sequential hundred dollar bills. KATE: So? TONY: Well, why all hundreds? If it was drugs it wouldn't be all hundreds. Or gambling, or even theft. KATE: You're right. TONY: Where would you go to get all hundreds? KATE: Bank. TONY: Hmm. And what makes you go to a bank requesting non-sequential hundred dollar bills? KATE: Ransom? TONY: Blackmail? KATE: Blackmail's good. Who was he blackmailing? TONY: I have no idea. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER LAB - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) ABBY: This program rocks. It includes vault, fall, yaw, tip over, roll over, combined speed, linear momentum... GIBBS: Abby... ABBY: Oh come on, Gibbs. You know you love it when I talk tech. GIBBS: What do you got? ABBY: Well, at first I thought the latex might have come from the car. But the latex primer used in the car is located in the undercarriage which he never hit. So he had to have been wearing the latex. GIBBS: I already knew that. ABBY: Yes, but that was speculation. This is confirmation. GIBBS: Okay, what else? ABBY: I used the victim's measurements and the location of his injuries to determine the height of the vehicle based on point of impact. And then I used a database for vehicle grill dimensions. Can you believe someone put together a database of vehicle grill dimensions? GIBBS: I was about to call Ripley's. ABBY: I had this boyfriend once - not the balloon guy - but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. Well, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock. GIBBS: Abby... ABBY: Yes? GIBBS: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky. ABBY: Okay, bottom line... the car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus. GIBBS: You're positive? ABBY: Absolutely. Unless... it was a Mercury Sable. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Huh. KATE: Did you find something interesting? TONY: A prepaid phone card. Why would you have a pre-paid phone card if you have a cell phone? KATE: Well, I can think of one reason. Phone cards aren't possible to trace. TONY: Unless you physically have the card. KATE: So you think maybe he used his phone card in his blackmailing scheme to cover up his tracks? TONY: That's what I'd do. KATE: So if we trace his calls... TONY: We should have a pretty good idea of who he was blackmailing. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: A list of calls sorted by phone number and frequency of calls. KATE: Who's number one? TONY: Bartex Corporation. KATE: What do they do? TONY: Let's Google them and find out. (SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) TONY: There we go. (READS) Bartex Corporation is a diversified conglomerate deriving revenues from a number of wide-ranging industries: paper and forest products, natural gas distribution, aerospace, defense... KATE: (OVERLAP) Skip to that. TONY: (READS) Bartex was recently awarded a two hundred million dollar design contract for the next generation of carrier fighter jets by the U.S. Navy. KATE: Ha. TONY: Things get curiouser and curiouser. KATE: Seems like we're back to kickbacks. TONY: But Master Chief Nutter said that Gordon wasn't high enough on the food chain for kickbacks. KATE: Maybe he was lying. TONY: Or maybe Nutter was taking kickbacks from the Bartex Corporation, Gordon found out and started blackmailing him. KATE: That works. GIBBS: Tony, did you check out all the Tauruses that have parking permits at PAX River? TONY: Ah, yeah. All except for Wong's, which is allegedly somewhere between here and Phoenix. The A.P.B.'s haven't turned up anything. GIBBS: Did you check Mercury Sables? TONY: No. (BEAT) But they're the same car. I have a list of permits here. Four Sables have base permits. And this is interesting. Master Chief Nutter drives a Sable. GIBBS: Why is that interesting? KATE: We think that when Gordon found out that Nutter was taking kickbacks, he blackmailed him. TONY: It gives him motive, murder weapon and accounts for the cash. GIBBS: Easy enough to find out. All we have to do is look at his car. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY GIBBS: Is the Master Chief around? MORGAN: No, Sir. GIBBS: Know where we can find him? MORGAN: He didn't say where he was going. TONY: Well what do you do if there's an emergency and you need to get a hold of him? CARTER: We call his cell, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INNER LAB - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Talk to me.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, Abs. Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) If I give you a cell phone number... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ...can you trace it and give me a location? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Uh, yeah. As long as it's a newer phone with a GPS chip and not one of those ancient old bricks. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How accurate? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Within a hundred meters. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Do we got to jump through any legal hoops? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, it's kind of a gray area. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How gray? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Charcoal. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How long does he have to stay on? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) All he has to do is answer. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay, here's the number. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Area code seven zero two, five five five, zero one two seven. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Okay, it's dialing. NUTTER: (V.O./FILTERED) Hello? Hello? Hello? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Okay, he's at eighteen thousand nine hundred... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Beallsville Road. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Any idea what's there? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Bartex Corporation. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY (SFX: TIRES SCREECH/HORN HONKS) (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) NUTTER: Agent Gibbs, what are you doing here? GIBBS: I was going to ask you the same thing. NUTTER: Personal business. GIBBS: Do you care to elaborate? (BEAT) Look, you can talk to me now or we can do this in front of Admiral Barnes. It's your choice. NUTTER: Bartex is one of our vendors. GIBBS: And? NUTTER: Can we keep this between us? GIBBS: Nope. NUTTER: They've offered me a position with their company and I'm seriously considering taking it. I didn't want to let anyone know until I made my final decision. GIBBS: Pop the hood of your car. NUTTER: Why? GIBBS: Because I asked. (SFX: HOOD POPS) TONY: No body work. KATE: The windshield is original equipment according to the manufacturer's specs. It hasn't been replaced. TONY: No way this car hit Gordon. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DRIVING (SFX: CARS HONK B.G.) TONY: Forty mile zone ended two miles back, boss. It's under sixty five. I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhardt Junior. Boss? GIBBS: What? TONY: Do you want to stop for a burger? GIBBS: No! KATE: Gosh, I would have bet a month's salary it was Chief Nutter. TONY: You would have lost. KATE: I always lose when I bet. TONY: Don't tell me. You had the Cubs. KATE: Red Sox. TONY: Ah, she bet on the Sox, boss. GIBBS: Not again. We are not going to lose again! (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) GIBBS: We are going back to that warehouse and we are staying until we nail whoever hit Petty Officer Gordon. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH TO A STOP) (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) GIBBS: They lied about coming in one car. Wong's Taurus hit Gordon. They made up the story about his brother. KATE: They? Not Wong? GIBBS: They were in it together. KATE: Okay, so they were all in a conspiracy to do what? Kill their buddy for forty grand? GIBBS: Maybe. Or maybe they just wanted payback. KATE: You lost me, Gibbs. TONY: Me too, boss. GIBBS: Tony, you check out this lot next door? TONY: Uh...a hundred meter perimeter search didn't reach the lot. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Then we do two hundred! TONY: What are we looking for? GIBBS: Answers! TONY: Do you have plans tonight? KATE: Not really. TONY: Good, because the last time Gibbs was like this I didn't go home for a week. KATE: The sad part... that would actually be an improvement over my social life. (KATE WALKS TO THE FENCE) KATE: Gibbs! GIBBS: Tony? Looks like our latex. KATE: Must have gotten snagged when somebody slipped through the fence into the parking lot. GIBBS: Not someone. Petty Officer Gordon. Okay, flash and bag it. TONY: Any idea what this stuff is? KATE: Of course. TONY: What? KATE: Evidence. TONY: That's a good one, Kate. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: I don't know, boss. This lot is trashed. GIBBS: It's got to be fresh, Tony. Less than forty eight hours old. TONY: Wow, what you got, boss? GIBBS: Maybe something. TONY: Do you think that was left by our four musketeers? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. KATE: Damn it, Gibbs. If you know what happened, tell us. GIBBS: Patience, Kate. Patience. All right, keep looking everybody. Watch your step. KATE: He doesn't know. TONY: Want to bet? GIBBS: Kate, get a photo. KATE: Yeah. TONY: I've got some fresh butts over here. Petty Officer Morgan smoked. KATE: And Petty Officer Carter. TONY: We'll get DNA from this. Looks like they had some kind of tripod over here. KATE: Are you about ready to tell us what you're thinking? GIBBS: They filmed it. KATE: Filmed what? (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN) GIBBS: Not a pretty sight, is it? MORGAN: Did you have to cut him up like that? DUCKY: Oh, yes. An autopsy is required in a murder investigation. CARTER: Sir, can I please be excused? GIBBS: Oh, that chance ended three days ago, Petty Officer Carter. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY TONY: Twenty bucks Carter wets his pants before Morgan. KATE: Think this'll work? GIBBS: Oh, it'll work. Do you have my videotape ready? KATE: Abby's cleaning it up right now. GIBBS: All right. Let's do this. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) TONY: They never put four people in the same interrogation room - ever! Do you want to know why? KATE: Because we don't want them comparing stories or conspiring to hide the truth. TONY: But in your case we're willing to make an exception. GIBBS: I know what happened. Now it's just a question of time. KATE: As in how much time you'll spend at Leavenworth if you don't cooperate with us. CARTER: It was all a joke. It was just a stupid-- WONG: Shut up, Carter. I want a lawyer. GIBBS: You know, if I was you, Wong, I'd want a lawyer, too. MORGAN: What if we cooperate, Sir? WONG: Morgan, all they have is a strip of rubber. If they can charge us, they would have already. TONY: (V.O.) What about your car, Wong? KATE: Do you know how hard it is to wash blood stains off a car these days? WONG: Are you saying you have my car? TONY: Are you saying we don't? WONG: There's no way you have my car. KATE: Are you sure about that? WONG: What is this, bad cop, dumb cop? My car is long gone. My brother-- GIBBS: I don't need your car. I have this. (DOOR OPENS) KATE: Never put anything on videotape that you don't want to be seen. TONY: Just ask Paris Hilton. GIBBS: You had your chance to come clean. It could help with the sentencing. CARTER: Wait. I'll talk, Sir. MORGAN: It was an accident. We didn't think anyone was going to get hurt, Sir. GIBBS: Whose idea was it? BOWMAN: It was Gordon's, Sir. He was planning it for months. It was payback for the time when Wong set him up on a blind date with a transvestite. WONG: Don't you see what they're trying to do here? We have to-- CARTER: Gordon is laying on a slab down there because of us, Wong. MORGAN: Yeah, maybe you can live with that. I can't. GIBBS: Who was the girl? Somebody's girlfriend? Hooker? BOWMAN: She was a call girl, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CLUB - FLASHBACK GIBBS: (V.O.) You hired her to lure Wong out of the club into the parking lot for your joke.(MUSIC B.G.) ZOE: Oh! I'm sorry! Or maybe not. Do you want to dance? Come on! (WONG AND ZOE DANCE) ZOE: Is your car in the parking lot? WONG: Yeah. ZOE: Let's go!(ZOE AND WONG WALK FROM THE CLUB) GIBBS: (V.O.) That must have been some girl, Petty Officer Wong. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Who was in charge of the set up in the vacant lot? MORGAN: It was me and Gordon, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - FLASHBACK GORDON: This is going to be legendary! MORGAN: Yeah it is, dude. Let's do this. GORDON: Man, Wong is going to piss his pants! (LAUGHTER) CARTER: Hurry up, man. She's going to bring him out, soon. MORGAN: Hey, where's the camera? CARTER: I thought you had it. MORGAN: You left it in the car, you moron! Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Seems like you guys had it all organized. What went wrong? BOWMAN: Wong panicked, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - FLASHBACK (WONG AND ZOE KISS ON CAMERA MONITOR) CARTER: You go, girl! It's show time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WONG'S CAR - FLASHBACK ZOE: What's wrong? WONG: Did you see some lights? ZOE: No. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - FLASHBACK MORGAN: (INTO PHONE) Cue the dry ice. Tell Gordon to haul ass. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/WATER VAPORIZES ON DRY ICE) MORGAN: Wong is going to have a heart attack! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM KATE: You don't seem like the type that scares easily, Petty Officer Wong. WONG: I didn't know. I didn't know it was Chris. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WONG'S CAR - FLASHBACK ZOE: What's that sound?! (SFX: LIGHTS CLICK ON) WONG: What the hell is that? ZOE: Oh, my god! Oh, he's coming right at us! Do something! WONG: Where the hell are my keys?(ZOE SHRIEKS B.G.) WONG: I can't find my keys!(LAUGHTER) (SFX: CAR STARTS) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR CRASHES INTO MORGAN) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY MORGAN: He was our best friend, Agent Gibbs. CARTER: And we killed him. GIBBS: That was a pretty good practical joke. Too bad your buddy died. WONG: It was an accident, Sir. GIBBS: What about the forty grand? Are you telling me no one knew about that? BOWMAN: Sir, none of us had any idea that Gordon had that kind of money. MORGAN: We never should have tried to hide the body. But it was an accident, Sir. GIBBS: Is that true, Petty Officer Wong? No one knew about it? WONG: The only thing I am guilty of here is manslaughter. You saw the tape. GIBBS: Is he talking about this tape, Tony? TONY: I think he is, boss. GIBBS: Oh, this isn't your tape. KATE: But you're in it, Wong. (VIDEOTAPE PLAYS) GIBBS: Twenty two year olds cashing forty thousand dollar inheritance checks is something bank tellers tend to notice. Hmm. You noticed it too. WONG: It was... it was an accident. GIBBS: We have a witness. (DOOR OPENS) KATE: Did Wong know that it was a prank? ZOE: Mm-hmm. KATE: How much was he giving you to keep your mouth shut? ZOE: A thousand dollars. CARTER: He knew it was a prank? ZOE: He said his friend was trying to get even with him. BOWMAN: You knew it was Chris. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT TONY: Hey, you got any plans tonight? KATE: I did. Too late now. TONY: Want to grab some Chinese at the new place down the street? KATE: Sure. Want to ask Gibbs? TONY: He's busy. KATE: Doing what? TONY: Same thing he does every night. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/PICTURES FLASH ON THE SCREEN) (MUSIC OUT)

Plan: A: a rave party; Q: What was happening when the body fell through the ceiling? A: the basement ceiling; Q: Where did the body fall through? A: Preliminary investigation; Q: What type of investigation was done first? A: the nearby parking lot; Q: Where was the petty officer killed? A: the victim's room; Q: Where did the evidence surface that the victim might have been taking bribes? A: financial bribes; Q: What was the petty officer taking? A: Gibbs; Q: Who believes the petty officer's death was more than an accident? A: events; Q: What do the co-workers have separate versions of? A: Forensic evidence; Q: What links the coworkers to the scene? Summary: During a rave party, the body of a petty officer falls through the basement ceiling. Preliminary investigation suggests that the petty officer was killed in the nearby parking lot, and was dressed after his death. Upon checking the victim's room, evidence surfaces that he might have been taking financial bribes or someone else may have been blackmailing him. Gibbs suspects the victim's co-workers of involvement in the death when their separate versions of events are too consistent. Forensic evidence links them to the scene, and they eventually confess that their coworker's death was a result of a prank gone wrong. However, Gibbs believes that the petty officer's death was more than just an accident.

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Nimueh drops some of her blood into a stone basin. Nimueh: *spell* Nimueh drops a flower petal in the water. She watches Merlin in the water, pulls out the petal and puts it in a silver goblet. Nimueh: Merlin. Castle throne room Bayard and his men arrive in Camelot, they meet Uther his men in the Throne Room. Uther: Camelot welcomes you, Lord Bayard of Mercia. The treaty we sign today marks and end to war and a beginning to a new friendship between our people. Uther and Bayard grasp arms. Both parties applaud while Nimueh stares Merlin down. Castle - Upper corridor Merlin passes Gaius while carrying a heavy bag. Merlin: Why do I always get landed with the donkey work? Gaius: You're a servant, Merlin. It's what you do. Merlin: My arms will be a foot longer by the time I get this lot inside. Gaius: It's character building. As the old proverb says, hard work breeds...a harder soul. Merlin: There is no way that's a proverb. You just made that up. Gaius: No. I didn't. Nimueh fakes a fall right in front of Merlin. Nimueh: Sorry. Merlin: It's alright. Nimueh: Excuse me. Merlin: Let me give you a hand with that. Merlin crouches down and catches Nimueh's eye. They stand up. Merlin: Hi. I'm Merlin. Merlin shakes Nimueh's hand. Nimueh: Cara. You're Arthur's servant. That must be such an honour. Merlin: Oh, yeah. It is. Well, you know, someone's got to keep the place running. Nimueh: Thank you, Merlin. Merlin: Hmm? Merlin looks down at the pillow he picked up for her. Merlin: Oh, right. Yeah. Er, no problem. Nimueh: It was nice meeting you. Merlin watches her leave. Gaius: Shouldn't you be busy running the place? Gaius laughs. Castle corridor Nimueh goes to Bayard's guest quarters. Nimueh: Alysan duru ronne. The door opens. Nimueh enters and opens a box with two silver goblets inside. She replaces one of them with an identical one that she enchanted at the beginning. Arthur's chambers Merlin sets down Arthur's clothes for the feast and reels backwards, covering his face. Merlin: When's the last time these were cleaned? Arthur: Last year some time. Before the feast of Beltane. Merlin: Did it end in a food fight? Arthur: Don't all feasts? Merlin: I wouldn't know. The heirs and graces of the court are a mystery to me. Arthur: Not tonight they won't be. Merlin: I'm gonna be at the banquet? Arthur: Not quite. You'll be there to make sure my cup doesn't run dry. If I have to sit through Bayard's boring speeches, I don't see why you should get out of it. Be sure to polish the buttons. Do you want to see what you'll be wearing tonight? Merlin: Won't this do? Arthur: No. Tonight you'll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of Camelot. Arthur holds them up for Merlin to see. Merlin: You can't be serious. Castle - Banquet hall Bayard signs the treaty in the Hall of Ceremonies. Gwen chuckles at Merlin's feathered hat. Gwen: Nice hat. Merlin: Thanks. Merlin catches Nimueh's eye and takes off the hat. Gwen notices his gaze. Gwen: She's pretty isn't she? For a handmaiden, I mean. Merlin: She's pretty for a princess, let alone a handmaiden. Gwen: Mmm. Uther finishes signing the treaty and grasps arms with Bayard. The crowd applauds and Gwen leaves Merlin. Bayard: People of Camelot, for a great many years we have been mortal enemies, and the blood of our men stains the ground from the walls of Camelot to the gates of Mercia. And though we remember those who have died, we must not allow any more to join them. A serving girl brings in the box with the goblets. Bayard: As a symbol of our goodwill, and of our newfound friendship, I present these ceremonial goblets to you, Uther, and to your son, Arthur, in the hope that our friendship may last. Nimueh approaches Merlin with fake anxiety in her voice. Nimueh: Merlin, I need to speak to you. Bayard: The wounds we received in battle... Merlin: What is it? Nimueh: Not here, please. I don't know who else to tell. Merlin leaves with Nimueh. Gaius notices. Bayard: Tonight we toast a new beginning for our peoples. We look towards a future free from the toils of war. Castle corridor Nimueh and Merlin stop to talk in a corridor. Nimueh: It wasn't until I saw him give the goblet to Arthur that I realised... Merlin: Whoa, slow down. Start from the beginning. Nimueh: Two days ago, I was bringing Bayard his evening meal. We're supposed to knock. He didn't expect me to walk in... Merlin: So, what are you trying to say? Nimueh: If he knows I said anything, he will kill me. Merlin: I would not let that happen to you, I promise. Please tell me what you saw. Nimueh: Bayard is no friend of Camelot. He craves the kingdom for himself. Merlin: Cara...Tell me. What has Bayard done with the goblet? Nimueh: He believes that if he kills Arthur, Uther's spirit will be broken and Camelot will fall. Merlin: What has he done with the goblet? Nimueh: I saw him putting something in it. Merlin: What? Nimueh: I shouldn't! He'll kill me! Merlin: Please, tell me! Was it poison? Nimueh nods. Merlin runs back to the Hall of Ceremonies and Nimueh smirks. Banquet hall Bayard: And may the differences from our past remain there. To your health, Uther. Everyone stands to toast. Bayard: Arthur. Arthur starts to drink. Bayard: The Lady Morgana. Morgana nods. Arthur waits. Bayard: The people of Camelot. Arthur starts to drink. Uther: And to fallen warriors on both sides. Everyone starts to drink. Merlin: Stop! Merlin runs in. Merlin: It's poisoned! Don't drink it! Merlin runs up to Arthur and takes his goblet. Uther: What? Arthur: Merlin, what are you doing? Merlin: Bayard laced Arthur's goblet with poison. Bayard: This is an outrage! Bayard and his men draw their swords, so do the knights of Camelot. Uther: Order your men to put down their swords. Camelot guards rush in. Uther: You are outnumbered. Bayard: I will not allow this insult to go unchallenged! Uther: On what grounds do you base this accusation? Arthur: I'll handle this. Arthur skirts around the table. Arthur: Merlin, you idiot. Have we been at the sloe gin again? Arthur grabs Merlin and takes the goblet. Uther: Unless you want to be strung up, you will tell me why you think why you think it's poisoned now. Merlin: He was seen lacing it. Uther: By whom? Merlin: I can't say. Bayard: I won't listen to this anymore. Uther: Pass me the goblet. Arthur hands it to him. Uther: If you're telling the truth... Bayard: I am. Uther: Then you have nothing to fear, do you? Bayard sheathes his sword and reaches for the goblet. Uther: No. If this does prove to be poisoned, I want the pleasure of killing you myself. Bayard: *snort* Uther hold the goblet up to Merlin. Uther: He'll drink it. Arthur: But if it is poisoned, he'll die! Uther: Then we'll know he was telling the truth. Bayard: And what if he lives? Uther: Then you have my apologies, and you can do with him as you will. Gaius: Uther, please! He's just a boy! He doesn't know what he's saying! Uther: Then you should've schooled him better. Arthur: Merlin, apologise. This is a mistake. I'll drink it. Merlin: No, no, no, no, no. It's, it's alright. Merlin toasts to Bayard and Arthur, then drinks as Nimueh watches with glee. Gwen takes a few steps forward in her anxiety. Merlin: It's fine. Uther: He's all yours. Gwen sighs in relief. Merlin chokes and falls to the floor unconscious. Uther: It's poisoned. Guards seize him! Arthur crouches over Merlin. Nimueh leaves. Gaius and Gwen crouch over Merlin. Gaius: Merlin. Can you hear me? We have to get him back to my chambers. Bring the goblet. I need to identify the poison. Arthur picks up Merlin and Gwen grabs the goblet. Gaius's chambers Arthur enters carrying Merlin. Gaius and Gwen follow. Gaius: Lay him on the bed quickly; he's struggling to breathe. Gwen, fetch me some water and a towel. Arthur: Is he gonna be alright? Gaius: He's burning up. Gwen: You can cure him, can't you Gaius? Gaius: I won't know until I can identify the poison. Pass me the goblet. Gwen hands it to him. Gaius: Ah. There's something stuck on the inside. Arthur: What is it? Gaius: It looks like a flower petal of some kind. Gwen: His brow's on fire. Gaius: Keep him cool; it'll help control his fever. Gwen tends to Merlin while Gaius pulls out a book. Gaius: Ah. The petal comes from the Mortaeus flower. It says here that someone poisoned by the Mortaeus can only be saved by a potion made from the leaf of the very same flower. It can only be found in the caves deep beneath the Forest of Balor. The flower grows on the roots of the Mortaeus tree. Arthur: That's not particularly friendly. Gaius: A Cockatrice. It guards the forest. Its venom is potent. A single drop would mean certain death. Few who have crossed the Mountains of Isgaard in search of the Mortaeus flower have made it back alive. Arthur: Sounds like fun. Gaius: Arthur, it's too dangerous. Arthur: If I don't get the antidote, what happens to Merlin? Gaius: The Mortaeus induces a slow and painful death . He may hold out for four, maybe five days, but not for much longer. Eventually he will die. Castle drawdridge Nimueh rides out of Camelot. Morgana's chambers Gwen enters. Gwen: My Lady, I am so sorry I haven't been here to attend to you. Morgana: Don't worry, I'm alright. How's Merlin? Gwen: If Arthur comes back with the antidote in time, he'll be fine. Morgana: Then he'll be fine. Gwen sighs. Morgana: You should be with him. I'll manage. I know what he means to you. Go. Gwen: Thank you. Castle - Central corridor Arthur walks with Uther. Arthur's dressed in his chainmail. Uther: What's the point of having people to taste for you if you're going to get yourself killed anyway? Arthur: I won't fail, no matter what you think. Uther: Arthur, you are my only son and heir. I can't risk losing you for the sake of some serving boy. Arthur: Oh, because his life's worthless? Uther: No, because it's worth less than yours. Arthur: I can save him. Let me take some men. Uther: No. Arthur: We'll find the antidote and bring it back. Uther: No. Arthur: Why not?! Uther: Because one day I will be dead and Camelot will need a king. I'm not going to let you jeopardise the future of this kingdom over some fool's errand. Arthur: It's not a fool's errand. Gaius says that if we can get the antidote... Uther: Oh, Gaius says? That's exactly what makes it so. Arthur: Please, Father. He saved my life. I can't stand by and watch him die. Uther: Then don't look. This boy won't be the last to die on your behalf. You're going to be King. It's something you'll have to get used to. Arthur: I can't accept that. Uther: You're not going. Arthur: You can't stop me. Uther: Damn it, Arthur, that's an end to it! You're not leaving this castle tonight. Arthur's chambers Arthur storms in, tosses his sword onto the table, and leans over the fireplace. Morgana enters. Morgana: Say what you like about the food, but you can't beat our feast for entertainment. Arthur: Morgana, I'm sorry, I should have made sure you were alright. Morgana: Disappointed actually. I was looking forward to clumping a couple around the head with a ladle. Arthur: I'm sure the guards could have handled Bayard and his men. Morgana: Yeah, but why let the boys have all the fun? Arthur: Morgana, you shouldn't get involved. It's dangerous. Morgana: Spare me the lecture; I've already had it from Uther. Arthur: If it's any consolation, you weren't the only one. Morgana: Not that I listen to him. Sometimes you've got to do what you think is right, and damn the consequences. Arthur: You think I should go? Morgana: It doesn't matter what I think. Arthur: If I don't make it back, who will be the next king of Camelot? There's more than just my life at stake. Morgana: And what kind of king would Camelot want? One that would risk his life to save that of a lowly servant? Morgana draws Arthur's sword. Morgana: Or one who does what his father tells him to? Morgana presents Arthur with the sword. Castle drawbridge Arthur rides across the drawbridge. Guard: Halt! Arthur rides past the guards out of Camelot. Nimueh watches from her stone basin. Gaius's chambers Gwen: He's getting hotter. Merlin (muttering): Him. Liffrea, wuldres wealdend, woroldare forgeaf. Gwen: What language is that? Gaius: None. The fever's taken hold. None of those words are his own. His pulse is weaker. Gaius finds a large circular rash on Merlin's arm. Gwen: What is it? Gaius: That can't be right. The rash is not supposed to appear until the final stage. Gwen: What does that mean? Gaius checks his book with a magnifying glass. Gaius: It says here that "once a rash appears, death will follow within two days." Gwen: You said he had four days. Gaius: Something's increased the flower's potency. It warns that "the effect of the Mortaeus will be more rapid if an enchantment is used during the flower's preparation." Gwen: An enchantment? But Bayard's no sorcerer. Gaius: No, he isn't. Gwen: Then who did this? Gaius: It can't have been. She wouldn't dare come here. Unless... Gwen: Unless what? Gaius: What happened to that girl? Gwen: Which girl? Gaius: Just before Merlin burst into the hall one of Bayard's serving girls took him outside. Gwen: She had dark hair. Very beautiful. Gaius: Find her. Quickly. Merlin (muttering): Arthur... swa... Castle dungeons Gwen checks the cells for Cara/Nimueh. Morgana's chambers Uther paces. Uther: I expressly ordered Arthur not to go! Morgana: I'd say it worked like a charm, too. Uther: Not another word! Morgana: My lips are sealed. Uther: I should've put him under lock and key. Morgana: You can't chain him up every time he disagrees with you. Uther: Just you watch me! I will not be disobeyed! Especially by my own son! Morgana: No. Of course you won't. Morgana sits down at her desk to write. Uther approaches her. Uther: You knew about this, didn't you? Morgana...don't lie to me. Morgana: Arthur's old enough to make decisions for himself. Uther: He's just a boy. Morgana: Have you seen your son recently? You have to let him make his own mind up. Uther: Even if it means letting him go to his death? Arthur rides through the mountains. Nimueh watches him from her stone basin. She pulls up her hood and leaves her cave. Gaius's chambers Merlin stirs restlessly. Gaius inspects Merlin's rash. Gwen enters. Gaius: Let me guess, she wasn't there. Gwen: No one has seen her since the banquet. Who is she? Gaius: Not who she claims to be. Gwen: But you know, don't you? Gaius: Cara. Though, that's not her name. Not her real name, anyway. Gwen: Then who is she? Gaius: A powerful sorceress. Gwen: Well, we should tell Uther. Maybe he could send riders out after her. Gaius: No, she'll be long gone. It's impossible to know where, though. Oh, no. Gwen: What? Gaius: She knows the only place an antidote can be found is the Forest of Balor. Arthur could be walking into a trap. Merlin: Arthur. Arthur. Arthur leads his horse through the forest. The Cockatrice hides under fallen tree. Gaius's chambers Merlin: *muttering* Arthur leads his horse through the forest. He hears Nimueh's fake crying and approaches her as she sits on a fallen log with fake bruises. Arthur: Hello? Are you alright? The Cockatrice roars behind him. Arthur (to Nimueh): Stay back. Nimueh smiles as Arthur faces the beast. The Cockatrice lunges, Arthur rolls under it as it jumps, then throws his sword, killing it. Nimueh grimaces. Arthur looks at her and she gets up and backs away in pretend fear. Arthur: It's alright. I'm not going to hurt you. Who did that to you? Arthur points to her bruises. Nimueh: My master. I ran away from him, but then I got lost. Please don't leave me. Arthur: I won't. I'm not going to. Nimueh: You can take me away from here? Arthur: Not yet. There's something I have to do first. Arthur looks at the cave mouth. Nimueh: Why have you come to the caves? Arthur: I'm looking for something. It can only be found here. Nimueh: What is it? I know this place; I could help you. Arthur: It's a type of flower that only grows inside the cave. It's very rare. Nimueh: The Mortaeus flower? I know where they are. I'll show you. Arthur and Nimueh enter the cave with torches. Gaius's chambers Merlin: Arthur, it...it's a trap. It's a trap. Gwen: His fever's getting worse, isn't it? Gaius: The poison's setting in. Merlin: eft gewunigen wilgesiþas, þonne wig cume. Gaius: Shh. Could you fetch me some more Wolfbane? Gwen: Yes, of course. Gaius: Merlin, you must fight it. Caves Nimueh and Arthur turn a corner in the caves. Nimueh: There they are. The flowers are on the across a large gap with a narrow ledge and long drop. Arthur looks down. Arthur: Keep back from the edge. Don't worry. We'll be out of here soon. Nimueh: Eorthe, lyft, fyr, waeter, hiersumie me. The cave begins to shake. Nimueh: Eorthe ac stanas hiersumie me. Ic can stanas tobrytan... Arthur: What are you doing?! Nimueh: ...hiersumie me. Arthur drops his torch as the rock falls out beneath him. he jumps for the opposite ledge and catches it with his hand. Nimueh: I expected so much more. Arthur: Who are you?! Nimueh: The last face you'll ever see. A giant spider shows up. Nimueh: It seems we have a visitor. Arthur edges away from the spider, draws his sword and kills the spider while dangling from the ledge. Nimueh: Very good. But he won't be the last. I'll let his friends finish you off, Arthur Pendragon. It's not your destiny to die at my hand. Nimieh leaves with the torch, leaving Arthur dangling from the ledge in the dark. Arthur: Who are you?! Gaius's chambers Merlin: Arthur. It's too dark. Too dark. Fromum feohgiftum on fæder bearme. Fromum feohgiftum. Gaius sees something glowing. Gaius: Merlin. Gaius folds down the blanket. Merlin holds a glowing ball of light in his hand. Gaius: What are you doing? Caves Arthur sees the light in the cave. Arthur: Come on, then! What are you waiting for?! Finish me off! The light floats above Arthur and he pulls himself onto the ledge. The light moves higher, but Arthur spots the Mortaeus flower on the wall. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin: Leave them, Arthur. Spiders screech and crawl toward Arthur. Merlin: Go. Save yourself. Follow the light. Arthur climbs to the flower and grabs it and puts it in a pouch on his belt. spiders keep coming. Arthur races to the top. Merlin: Faster. Go faster. Follow the light! Move. Climb. Arthur makes it to the top and the light disappears from Merlin's hand. Camelot Guards spot Uther from the battlements. Gregory: Inform the King! Arthur has returned to Camelot! Arthur rides up to the drawbridge gate. guards block his way. Arthur: What are you doing? Let me pass. Gregory: I'm sorry, Sire. You're under arrest, by order of the King. Castle dungeons Uther visits Arthur's cell in the dungeons. Uther: You disobeyed me. Arthur: Of course I did, a man's life is at stake. Do not let Merlin die because of something I did. Uther: Why do you care so much? The boy is just a servant. Arthur: He knew the danger he was putting himself in, and he knew what would happen if he drank from that goblet, but he did it anyway. He saved my life. There's more. There was a woman at the mountain. She knew I was there for the flower. I don't think it was Bayard who tried to poison me. Uther: Of course it was. Arthur pulls out the flower. Arthur: Gaius knows what to do with it. Uther takes the flower. Arthur: Put me in the stocks for a week, a month even, I don't care. Just make sure it gets to him. I'm begging you. Uther crushes the flower. Arthur: NO! Uther: You have to learn there's a right and a wrong way of doing things. I'll see you're let out in a week. Then you can find yourself another servant. Uther drops the flower just outside Arthur's cell door. The guards lock the door and Arthur tries to get the flower just beyond his reach. Gaius's chambers Gaius: He hasn't got much longer. Has Arthur got the flower? Gwen: I don't know. Uther won't allow anyone to see him. Is there nothing we can do to help? Gaius: Only the leaf of the Mortaeus flower can save him. Gwen: And we have to find out if Arthur has it. I could sneak into the dungeon. Gaius: That would be very dangerous. Gwen: I've got to. Merlin will die if I don't. Merlin struggles to breathe. Gaius: Be careful. Castle dungeons Gwen walks down the Wrought Iron Stairway with a plate of food and approaches a guard. Gwen: Food for the prisoner. A guard unlocks the door for her. Arthur: Set it down over there. Gwen puts it down on a small table and takes a step back. Arthur gets up and goes to the table. Arthur: Thank you. Gwen turns to leave. Arthur: Wait a minute. Arthur puts the plate back down and walks back to his seat on the floor. Arthur: I couldn't possibly eat this, it's disgusting. The state it's in, I'm not sure it's fit for anyone. Gwen goes back to pick up the plate and smiles when she sees the flower on the plate. she leaves the cell. Dungeon guard: You. Wait! Gwen stops and turns around as the guard approaches. He picks over the plate and grabs some bread. Dungeon guard: Waste not, want not, eh? We're not all as precious as our Royal Highness. Gwen turns to leave just as another serving girl comes down the steps with a plate and cup. Serving girl: Food for Prince Arthur. Dungeon guard: Stay where you are! Gwen drops the plate and dashes up the stairs. Gaius's chambers Gwen runs in. Gwen: How is he? Gaius: Have you got the Mortaeus? Gwen: Here. Gaius: His breathing's much worse. We have to hurry. Gwen sits down next to Merlin's sickbed as Gaius begins crushing the flower leaf. Gwen: Why have you stopped? Gaius: The poison was created using magic. We may need magic to make an antidote. Gwen: But we can't. It's forbidden. Even if we could. Gaius: I'll try and make it work without it. Oh, I need some fresh water. Gaius hands her a bowl and she runs off. Gaius lifts the bowl he's holding. Gaius: Sythan... Gaius stops and looks around, nervous to be practicing magic again. Gaius: Sythan arrest wearth feasceaft funden. Denum æfter dome. Dreamleas gebad he gewinnes longsum. The potion sizzles and foams for a moment. Gwen runs back in and hands him the bowl of water before rushing back to Merlin's side. Gaius: Thank you. Gaius pours the potion into a small cup and goes to Merlin. Gaius: Hold his nose. Gwen pinches his nose as Gaius pours the potion into Merlin's mouth. Gaius: Swallow, Merlin. Swallow it. Gwen: He's stopped breathing. What's happening? Gaius? Gaius puts his head to Merlin's chest. Gaius: His heart has stopped. Gwen: He's dead? Gaius: He can't be. He can't be. It was his destiny. Gaius stands up. Gwen: It's my fault. If I'd have got here sooner. If I'd have been quicker. Gwen gets up and cries in Gaius's arms. Gaius: No, no. It was me. I should've looked after him better. It's my fault. Merlin: That's disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're old enough to be her grandfather. Gaius: Merlin. You're alive. Merlin: No. I'm the ghost come back to haunt you. Gwen grabs Merlin's face and kisses him. Gwen: Sorry, I'm just...I thought you were dead. Merlin: It's fine. It's more than fine. ...erm...what happened? The last thing I remember is drinking the wine. Castle - Council chamber of doom Gaius enters while Uther consults his advisors. Gaius: Sire, forgive the interruption, but may I speak with you? Uther: Not now. Gaius: But, Your Highness, it is important. Uther: Word of Bayard's arrest has got back to Mercia. We're about to be attacked. Gaius: I feel that what I have to tell you may have some bearing on your plans. Please, it will only take a moment. Uther steps aside with Gaius. Gaius: I know who tried to poison Arthur. Uther: So do I. He's locked in my dungeons. Gaius: It wasn't Bayard. The poison was magical. And I'd recognise the hand that made it anywhere: Nimueh. Uther: You must be mistaken. Gaius: I wish I was. Uther: It can't have been. We'd know her. That witch's face is not easily forgotten. Gaius: She's a powerful sorceress. She can enchant the eye that beholds her. We never knew it was her. Uther: Have you any proof? Gaius: The poison used against Merlin was made more potent by the use of magic. Uther: Are you saying that she conspired with Bayard to kill Arthur? Gaius: No, Bayard is innocent. Look at what's happening. This is what she's wanted all along. A war to bring strife and misery to Camelot. Uther: How long before Bayard's armies reach our walls? Sir cador: A day. Maybe less. We should send cavalry out to meet them. Uther: Instruct your men not to leave Camelot until I give the word. Sir Cador: Sire. Knights bow and exit. Gaius: You are making the right decision, Sire. Do you think Arthur should be told the truth about Nimueh? Castle Arthur, Morgana, and Uther watch from the battlements as Bayard and his men ride away from Camelot. Morgana: Okay. Let the bragging begin. How'd you manage it? Arthur: I'm not sure. All I do know is I had help. Someone knew I was in trouble and sent a light to guide the way. Morgana: Who? Arthur: I don't know. But whoever it was, I'm only here because of them. Morgana: I'm glad you're back. Morgana leaves. Uther: Arthur? The woman you met in the forest, what did she tell you? Arthur: Not much. She was too busy trying to get me killed. It was strange, though. Uther: In what way? Arthur: I was at her mercy. She could have finished me off, but she chose not to. She said it wasn't my destiny to die at her hand. Uther: You must've been scared. Arthur: Had its moments. Uther: Those who practice magic know only evil. They despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it. Which is why she wanted you dead. She is evil. Arthur: Sounds as if you know her. Uther: I do. To know the heart of one sorcerer is to know them all. You did the right thing. Even though you were disobeying me. I'm proud of you, Arthur. Never forget that. Gaius's chambers Arthur enters. Arthur: Still alive, then? Merlin: Oh. Yeah, just about. I understand I have you to thank for that. Arthur: Yeah, well, it was nothing. A half decent servant is hard to come by. I was only dropping by to make sure you're alright. I expect you to be back to work tomorrow. Merlin: Oh yeah, yeah of course, er, bright and early. Arthur turns to leave. Merlin: Arthur. Thank you. Arthur: You too. Get some rest. Gaius: Arthur may give you a hard time, but at heart he's a man of honour. There aren't many who'd have risk what he did for a servant. Merlin: It all would've been for nothing if you didn't know how to make the antidote. Gaius: Eat your dinner. Merlin: I still don't understand why she went to all the trouble of framing Bayard. She could've just kept quiet and killed Arthur. Gaius: But destroying Arthur and Camelot wasn't all she was after. She knew you would be forced to drink that wine. It was you she wanted to kill. Seems someone else knows you're destined for great things, Merlin. Nimueh watches Merlin in her stone basin.

Plan: A: peace; Q: What is Camelot preparing to celebrate with Mercia? A: Mercia's visiting ruler Bayard; Q: Who is visiting Camelot? A: Nimueh; Q: Who forges a poisoned chalice? A: Uther; Q: Who makes Merlin test the goblet? A: a 'disposable' servant; Q: What does Nimueh call Merlin? A: Gaius; Q: Who diagnoses Merlin's poison? A: a fatal poison; Q: What does Gaius diagnose Merlin with? A: certain caves; Q: Where does the flower grow? A: a king; Q: What does Uther forbid Arthur to risk? A: a pawn; Q: What does Uther call Arthur? A: distress; Q: Nimueh plays the damsel in _________. A: horrible monsters; Q: What does Nimueh expose Arthur to? A: his deathbed Merlin; Q: Who conjures magical aid on his deathbed? A: Gwen's ingenuity; Q: What solves the problem of getting the flower to Gaius? Summary: While Camelot prepares to celebrate peace with Mercia's visiting ruler Bayard, Nimueh forges a poisoned chalice and replaces it with one due to be given to Arthur. The disguised sorceress then warns Merlin, blaming Bayard. Uther makes Merlin test the goblet by drinking from it (as he is a 'disposable' servant) and Merlin collapses. Gaius diagnoses a fatal poison; the only cure is from a flower which grows only in certain caves, but the perilous journey to it may take too long. Arthur bravely rides out, although Uther forbids him to 'risk a king' for a pawn. Nimueh plays the damsel in distress and local guide, to make sure Arthur is exposed to horrible monsters, but even on his deathbed Merlin conjures magical aid. When Arthur brings the flower, Uther jails his disobedient heir and refuses to have it brought to Gaius. Gwen's ingenuity solves that problem, but they still have to deal with Bayard.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Devon : Ain't nobody gonna give no roster spot to no fool with no green elf shoes on. Dan : What are the chances of another heart becoming available? Doctor : This time when it goes off, call us. Devon : I'm taking that last shot, or I'm taking a seat. Bobby : Take a seat. Jack : Child services keeps showing up, looking for me. I probably won't see you for a while. Julian : I never had a letterman jacket. Brooke : Now you do Julian : I want you to have this. It means we're going steady. Lucas : I want a director who can make the little things the big things. And you are just not the guy to do that. Paul : Pick one ... if you don't, I'm gonna choose your director for you. Adam Reese : Appreciate you meeting me. What do you want, Reese? I'm directing the movie. It's done! AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Girl #1 : You can work your whole "I'm Nathan Scott, Mr. Big shot, scoring my touchdowns" on somebody else, because ... Man #1 : I don't even play football. Girl #1 : Whatever ... the point is, at the end of the day, all your bluster and B.S. Don't mean anything to math, because math don't care, and neither do I. Man : Well, does English care? 'cause I pretty much suck at that, too. Adam Reese : Thank you. Thank you for that. Haley : I like her poncho. Nathan : Why am I shirtless? Adam Reese : Yeah, let's do one where he wears a poncho and she's shirtless. Lucas : He was kidding. He was kidding. You guys were great. Thank you. So, what'd you guys think? Reese : Really? Didn't realize Julian had given creative control to all four of us. Adam Reese : They're the real people. Don't you think their opinions may be valuable? Haley : They seemed fine. Nathan : Yeah. Adam Reese : I stand corrected. Let's get the studio on the phone right now. Tell them we found two actors who seem fine. Nathan : Why don't you tell them their director's a jackass while you're at it? Haley : Okay, we should go, and I will stop by later to see how you're doing. Adam Reese : You know, even when he talks back to me, I still find him likable. All right, lose the shirt, buddy. Girl #2 : Always and forever. Nathan : It sucks I can't stick around for this. Haley : It sucks even more you're gonna be gone for two weeks. At least I'll have all these shirtless Nathan to keep me company. Nathan : Oh, I don't think so. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Thanks. A crib. Thank you, Karen and Andy ... Thank you, Karen and Andy! ON THE STREET Jamie : Were you allowed to date in prison? Dan : Some people did. I opted not to. Why? Jamie : Well, there's a girl at school Dan : Oh, you like her? Jamie : No. Dan : Yes, you do. Jamie : No. Dan : You like her a lot. Jamie : No, no. No, no, no, no, no. Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could invite her over to your beach house someday. Dan : Sure. Why not today? I'll clear it with your mom. Jamie : Well, I never asked a girl over to play before. What do I say? Dan : Well, lucky for you, women have never been able to turn a Scott man down. So you just flash your million-dollar smile, say a few nice words, and pfft ... it's like putty in your hands. Dan : Yeah, that's the one. Jamie : Just smile and say something nice? That really works? Dan : Every time. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : What are you smiling about? Julian : I can't help it. That was amazing. No wonder you were so popular in high school. Brooke : Excuse me? s*x did not make me popular. I made it popular. Julian : Ohh. Well, either way, I'm just happy to be a part of that crowd for a change. Brooke : Please. With this face, you were probably Mr. Popular. Julian : You might be surprised. Anyway, I wish I could stay, but I'm already late for casting. Brooke : For which character?! Don't ... oh! AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Woman : Peyton Sawyer? Peyton : Yeah. Woman : Go have a seat with the other Peytons, and we'll call you when it's your turn. Peyton : Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. You don't understand. I ... I am Peyton Sawyer. Woman : I really appreciate your confidence, but you still have to wait your turn. What's your name? Peyton : Is Peyton Sawyer. Woman : Actresses. Girl #3 : Why do people always leave? Peyton : Hi. I'm here to read for the part of Peyton Sawyer. First of all, you don't know me. Second of all, you don't know me. God, why are guys such jerks? Adam: Too old, but she would make a great Deb. Lucas : Um, she's the real Peyton. Did you come to watch? Peyton : No. The baby-proofer's coming to the house, and I've got to go register for our wedding and baby gifts, and your mother sent us a crib, but the instructions are all in Italian. Adam: You're stewed, butt wad. "Weird science." Lucas : I really wish I could help, but I'm kind of slammed. Peyton : No, it's okay. I just came by to wish you good luck and to bring you lunch. Lucas : Why are you so good to me? Peyton : I don't know. Maybe because I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch. Adam: What woman isn't? Peyton : Bye. AT TREE HILL SCHOOL Sam : You wanted to see me? Haley : Yes. Take a seat, please. Do you know why I called you here? Sam : No. I guess I'm in trouble, but I don't know what for. And I'm sure as hell not gonna start admitting stuff. Haley : I think you know exactly what you did. You won the essay contest, and, as promised, you're gonna be published in the school paper tomorrow. Sam : You suck. Haley : Congratulations, Samantha. Oh, you're gonna be a published writer! That is, if that's okay with you. Sam : Hell, yes. Jamie : She said yes! Dan : That's great. What time's she coming over? Jamie : I don't know. Dan : What kind of food does she like? Jamie : I don't know. Dan : What do you know? Jamie : She said yes! Dan : Well, that is the most important thing. Jamie : Now, how do I get her to like me? Dan : Well, if she's coming over, she probably already does like you. Now all you have to do is make sure you're dressed nice and tell her how good she looks. Jamie : Is that how you got nanny Deb? Dan : That and gin. Jamie : Got any gin? Dan : Don't worry. I'll be there the whole time if you need me. Jamie : Is that your heart again? Dan : Yeah. I'll be fine. Jamie : I wish that beeper would beep already. Dan : Me too, buddy. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Peyton : Hey. Lucas is casting his movie in here today, so the studio's off-limits. Mia : Ohh. Sweet. Snow day. Later, teach. Peyton : Oh, no, no. Not so fast. We still have work to do. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Mia : You're kidding, right? Peyton : You're Italian, right? AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Brooke : Easy, girl. Julian : I saw that. Brooke : What? Did you greet all the other Brookes that way? Julian : No, ma'am. That I saved just for you. Brooke : Oh. Julian : And the guy playing whitey, who is just so cute. Brooke : No Julian : So, do you want to meet Brooke Davis? Brooke : Shut up. She's here? Julian : Yeah. Brooke : I just got butterflies a little bit. Now I know how people must feel when they're meeting me for the first time. Julian : Missy, this is ... Missy : Brooke Davis! Julian : Yep. Brooke, this is ... Brooke : Missy me! Hi! Oh! Julian : I guess we made the right choice. Missy : Oh, Hi! Oh! Brooke : Okay, I want my part in the movie to be the best. So anything that you need, you just ask. Missy : Okay, great, because I'm a method actor, so I'm gonna need to know your likes, dislikes, mannerisms ... basically be glued to you until the movie starts. What do you think? Brooke : Sounds ... great. Missy : Aah! Brooke : Ooh! Hi. AT BOBBY'S OFFICE Nathan : You wanted to see me, coach? Bobby : I did. I want to ask you something in confidence. What do you think of Devon? Nathan : In confidence ... I think he puts up big numbers, but he won't win you any games. He doesn't care about the team. He only cares about getting himself to the NBA. Bobby : And you don't want to get to the NBA? Nathan : No, I do. But you're the only reason I have a shot at it, so I owe you, and I'm gonna play my heart out. Look ... if you started me, you'd be replacing your star player with a player that gives you wins instead of headaches. Bobby : You sound like a salesman, Nate. Nathan : I believe in what I'm selling. Bobby : So do I. You're starting next game. Be ready. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Girl #4 : I want to draw something that means something to someone. Girl #5 : You're always saving me, Lucas. Girl #6 : I love you, Luke. But I've chosen darkness. Lucas : That was great. Thank you. Girl #6 : Thanks. I loved "Trouser hound," by the way. Adam Reese : He loves you, too. Girl #6 : Thanks. Adam Reese : There's something about that one. Lucas : She wants to sleep with you? Adam: There it is. So, we done? Lucas : I liked the first girl. I'm just not sure. Adam Reese : Two things ... number one, big wedding ring. Number two, even bigger nose. She can lose the ring, but the nose is gonna need its own trailer. Lucas : Okay, there's nothing wrong with her nose. Besides, I'm not casting this movie based on who I want to sleep with. Adam Reese : He has no idea what he's doing. Lucas : It's called having integrity. Adam Reese : It's called being naive. Look, you have a decision to make, okay? Audiences like boobs. I didn't make that up. It's just ... it's the way it is. s*x sells. So I say go with the girl with the nice rack. Now, if you want to disagree with me, fine, go ahead. But just make a damn decision, man. Julian : Adam, maybe you should take a break. Adam Reese : You're right. This place is dead anyway. Julian : "Swingers." Lucas : Julian, I didn't get to choose a director I like. I'm not making the same mistake with Peyton. Julian : Okay, that's fine. But Reese is right. You need to come to a decision you can both live with, okay? Like it or not, we have a deadline, and you have a job to do. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Mia : This job sucks. Peyton : I don't think this is right. Mia : It looks fine to me. Done and done. Peyton : Okay, well, then, what is that for? Mia : I don't know ... to keep the baby from moving? Why don't you just have Lucas do it? Peyton : Because he's busy, and we are two strong, capable women. We can do this. Hey, what's chase doing? Mia : Uh, no. He's busy...with me. So, I'll see ya. I mean, arrivederci. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Brooke : I got it when I was 12, but I don't know why you need to know. Missy : How many cigarettes do you smoke a day to get your voice to sound like this? Brooke : I don't smoke, and my voice doesn't sound like that. Missy : How many guys did you sleep with in high school? Brooke : Gee, I don't know. I was never very good at math. Missy : Dumb at math. Got it. Brooke/Missy : What do you think of this outfit? Missy : I don't think that Brooke would wear something like this. Brooke : I am Brooke, and I did wear something like that. Missy : But don't you think it should be a little more revealing or easy to strip off at least ... you know, Brookish? Brooke : I don't strip things off. The outfit is fine. Julian, what do you think? Julian : Um, it could be a little sexier. Brooke : Should I just go ahead and put her in pasties? Julian : Come on, Brooke. Did you really wear that in high school? Brooke : Yes, I did. Missy : Maybe during your "clean teen" days. Julian : Just make it a little sexier, you know? Brookish. Missy : Oh, you totally have a type. He looks a lot like Lucas. Brooke : That's another thing you should know about me for the movie. I lash out sometimes. Sorry. AT TREE HILL SCHOOL Sam : Part of me is glad that jack's gone. Gone is a place I dreamed of when I was hiding in a closet from whatever drunk parent I had that month. But ... Haley : Whose phone is that? Sam : Yours. Haley : Hi. Is everything okay? Nathan : Hey. I just wanted you to be the first to know. I'm starting next game. I couldn't have done this without you, hales. I love you. Tell Jamie I'll call him later, okay? Haley : I love you, too. He's ... he's starting! Sorry, Sam. Sam : But I got lucky. AT DAN'S HOUSE Dan : You must be Lauren's mom. Lauren : You must not talk to many women. I'm Lauren, Jamie's teacher. He invited me to his grandpa's house after school, and I just couldn't turn down an afternoon with a cute boy and a little old man. You're not a little old man. Dan : No. Jamie : Grandpa Dan, aren't you gonna invite her in? You look very nice, Miss Lauren. Lauren : Thank you. It's what i was wearing at school earlier. Jamie : Well, it's very becoming. Shall we? Lauren : Thank you. AT TREE HILL SCHOOL Boy : So, what did you do? Haley : Nothing. The principal just wanted to meet with me. Boy : You're probably in trouble. With the new principal, everyone's in trouble. Principal Rimkus : Mrs. Scott, could you come in, please? Haley : Am I in trouble, principal Rimkus? Principal Rimkus : Do you know why i wanted to see you? Haley : No. And I'm not gonna start admitting stuff. Principal Rimkus : I have a problem with the essay you selected for the school paper. Haley : Oh, Sam's essay? What's wrong with it? Principal Rimkus : What, you mean besides all the references to s*x and drugs? Haley : She's witnessed some really horrible things growing up. I think that's what makes the essay so important. Principal Rimkus : Well, that may be. But i have the students and their parents to worry about. Haley : I understand, but with all due respect, I thought i was in charge of the school paper and had final say on what went in it. Principal Rimkus : You do. And I have final say on whether or not you work here. Pick another essay. AT DAN'S HOUSE Jamie : So, when you stop to think about it, where does the sidewalk end? Lauren : You know, I never really thought about it. Dan : Jamie's always been advanced for his age. Right now he's reading the "Time traveler's wife." Lauren : Oh, that's one of my favorite books. Dan : Mine too. Jamie : That's great. How about I refill your kool-aid? Lauren : Well, thank you, Jamie. That is very gentlemanly of you. Dan : We have wine, if you prefer. Jamie : Kool-aid will be fine. Back off. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Hey, skills. You looking for Luke? Skills : No. I'm the baby-proofer. Peyton : Why didn't I know that? Skills : Who brags about being a baby-proofer? Peyton : Oh, okay. I mean, I think our house is pretty safe. Skills : I can spot at least 20 PBI already. Peyton : Huh? Skills : Possible baby injuries. Peyton : Oh. Like what? Skills : Well, for one, lamp cord strangles. Peyton : Okay. Skills : Outlets electrocute. And I'm guessing you probably don't have a lock on the toilet seat. Peyton : Luke barely remembers to put it down. Skills : Funny. But you know what's not so funny? When junk was a kid, he fell in a toilet ... almost drowned. He was dead for 40 seconds. Peyton : I'm ... no, I'm sorry. You're right. That's totally not funny. Um, I have a lot of work to do, huh? Skills : Yep. But you got Lucas to help you, right? Peyton : No, I mean, he's over at Tric casting his movie. But I ha ... I have it. It's fine. That's not done, by the way. Skills : I hope not. I can see at least 30 PBI already. If you need help putting that thing back together, give me a call. I'm also a handyman. AT DIXIE'S RESTAURANT Haley : Hey. Heard any word from jack yet? Sam : Uh ... no. That's kind of why i hang here. I figure this is where he'll show when he decides to come back ... if he decides to. Haley : I'm sure he will. Sam : Yeah. I hope so. Could you really get fired for publishing my paper? Haley : Where did you hear that? Sam : I've already lost jack. I really don't want to lose you to some stupid paper. Haley : You ... you're not gonna lose me. And your paper's anything but stupid, Sam. Sam : Well, I better get going. Don't want Brooke to worry. Listen, Haley. I appreciate it. I do. But if I were you, I would just choose a different paper. It's not worth it. AT THE GYMNASIUM Nathan : Looks like 12's the new 23. What's up? Devon : Like you don't know. Coach cut his best player to start his best friend. Nathan : I didn't know he was cutting you. I thought ... I'm sorry. Devon : Don't be. I'm going to the NBA anyway. Somehow ... daddy! Hey, boo. There's my team. Hey. Hi. Hey, daddy's gonna be okay. What you looking at, You're not the only one with a family. AT THE WEDDING BOUTIQUE Peyton : Wedding. Wedding. Wedding. Baby. Brooke : Is there a reason that we're registering for the wedding and the baby at the same time? Well, they're happening at the same time, so why not register them together? Brooke : Because I may have registered the baby for a boning knife. Peyton : That's got to be a PBI, right? Brooke : Miss Sawyer, I love you, but are you sure you would not rather be doing this with Lucas? Peyton : No. He is busy. And there is no one I would rather do this with than my best friend and my maid of honor. Brooke : Maid of honor? Really?! Peyton : Well, it shouldn't be a surprise. Brooke : But it's so nice to hear! Peyton : Okay! Brooke : Ohh. Missy : Want to know what I think? I think that Nathan likes tutor girl, but tutor girl likes Lucas, and I know I like Lucas, and I don't know who the hell you like anymore. This is all turning into one big love rectangle plus one, whatever that is. Pretty good, right? Brooke : Yeah. Awesome. Peyton : Dude, she sounds like you. Brooke : I was never that annoying. Peyton : I know how you feel. I was in Tric earlier today, and there were 10 Peyton Sawyers bitching and moaning. Brooke : Oh, so there were 11 of you bitching and moaning? Peyton : I think I like that other one better. AT DAN'S HOUSE Dan : So, I'm driving Jamie home from school, and he suddenly yells at me to stop the car because Orval got out of the bag. Lauren : Oh, and who's Orval? Dan : My question exactly. Orval is his pet rabbit's imaginary friend. Lauren : Oh, that's so cute. Dan : And he insists that Orval has gone into a chuck e. Cheese. So, since we're already there, why not grab some pizza? Lauren : Oh, he's crafty. Jamie : You're making fun of me? Dan : No, I wasn't. Jamie : You're trying to embarrass me so miss Lauren will like you better. Dan : Jamie. Jamie : He was in prison! AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Fergie : Hey, yo, man. I heard you was casting today. Hey, who's gonna play Fergie? Lucas : Uh, man, uh... you know, when I turned the book into a movie, i had to omit some of the characters. Look, I'm really sorry, Fergie. I didn't ... Fergie : Then who did Luke hang with on the river court? Lucas : Mouth ... and skills. Fergie : You gonna play me like that? That's cold, dawg. Lucas : Look, Fergie ... Man : Which do you like better? Lucas : They look the same, man. Man : We're gonna need you to sign off on a few locations before we can move on. Lucas : Okay ... Dan Actor : Hey, man, I am trying to wrap my head around this Dan character. I don't get why he's got all this hatred for Keith. Julian : Reese wants to sign off on Peyton number three. Are you okay with that? Lucas : No! I like the first one. Adam Reese : Toucan Sam? Peyton's a love interest. Think about it with your other head. Julian : I know you have a vision, Lucas, but maybe you need to trust Reese's experience on this one. Our table read is tomorrow, and we can't do it without a Peyton. Lucas : I know, all right! I just need to think about it! Julian : We don't have time for that. Lucas : Well, make ... time! Adam Reese : And ... scene. AT THE WEDDING BOUTIQUE Peyton : So, which ones do you think Lucas will like? Brooke : Whichever ones you're naked in. Speaking of naked... I slept with Julian. Peyton : Come again? Brooke : That's what she said. She being me ... it's a joke. Peyton : I know. I get it. Um, god, why am I just finding out about this now? Brooke : 'cause I've been really scared to tell you. I know that you said it's fine, but I kind of still feel like it violates girl code somehow, and I know you're happy and engaged and pregnant, and ... and he's charming. Peyton : Brooke, hey, really ... it's fine. We talked about this, all right? Girl code was shattered years ago. Brooke : You promise? You're not gonna revoke my maid-of-honor card? Peyton : God. Of course I promise. Come here. I mean, you know that's like three guys we've shared, right? Brooke : Lucas, Julian. Peyton : Um, s*x tape? Brooke : Ew. s*x tape. I forgot about that, and I kind of wish that you had, too. Peyton : Oh, no, no, no. Um, so just how did it go from being a non-date to s*x? It was the grin, right? Brooke : That didn't hurt. And then he threw in a touch of sweet and so much sincerity. And then he threw in the letterman jacket I made him. Peyton : Oh, well, letterman jacket. That's a good touch. High-school Brooke did letter in s*x. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Haley : Hey, how's the movie biz? Lucas : Well, I had my first diva moment ... threw a temper tantrum. Haley : No way. Damn. Wish I'd have been here to see it. Lucas : Uh, stick around. I'm sure I'll have another. Haley : Is it really that bad? Lucas : I can't even pick a basketball much less a Peyton without feeling like i'm making the wrong decision. My gut says one thing, and everybody else says something else. Haley : Who cares what everybody else says? Go with your gut. Lucas : Just like that, huh? Haley : Lucas, this was your book, and now it's your movie. You know the characters, and you know tree hill better than anybody. You should have some faith in yourself, for crying out loud. Lucas : I love you. I love you. You know that? Haley : I know. Lucas : You know, they should name an antidepressant after you. Haley : Yeah. Great with everybody else's problems. It's my own I'm a basket case with. Hmm. Lucas : All right, well ... psychotherapist Luke. Can I help you with anything? Haley : Sam wrote this paper for my class. It was gritty and harsh and honest and really beautiful, and I want to publish it in the school paper. And principal Rimkus won't let me. Lucas : Well, what else can you do? Haley : I could publish it anyway. Kids like Sam, they ... sometimes all they have is a voice, and if you take that away from them, especially after everything that she's been through, then what's the point of me even calling myself a teacher anymore? Lucas : Well, it sounds to me like you've already made your decision. Haley : I'm just not sure it's the right one. Lucas : Man, you got to have some faith in yourself sometimes. No, go with your gut. Come on. What's the worst that can happen? Haley : I could get fired, or at least suspended. Lucas : I've been suspended ... not that bad. Haley : You're pretty good at cheering me up, too. Haley/Lucas : Yes! AT DAN'S HOUSE Jamie : Go away! You're mean! That's why daddy and uncle Lucas don't like you. Dan : That's true. I was mean. And they have every reason not to like me. But ever since I got sick, I've tried real hard to be a better person. Jamie : Then why were you making fun of me? Dan : I would never make fun of you. You're my best friend. Don't you know that? Actually, you're my only friend. I don't even have an imaginary one. Jamie : Miss Lauren doesn't think I'm a joke? Dan : Of course not. You're her favorite student. She told me this is one of the best dates she's ever been on. Jamie : She said that? Dan : She sure did. You should go back in there and finish the date. And if I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. I would never do anything to hurt my best friend. Jamie : I forgive you. Well, aren't you coming? Dan : You'll be fine without me. IN BROOKE'S CAR Brooke : Oh ! Missy : I just wanted to make sure I got your signature move right. Brooke : What is with you idiots? This is not my signature move. And for info, I did a lot more in high school than just have s*x, okay? I was student-body president. I was the captain of the cheerleading squad. I started a clothing line. It is amazing that I even had time for s*x! Missy : Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I was just following the breakdown. Brooke : "Brooke Davis ... gorgeous brunette with an amazing energy and smile. Her three favorite things ... s*x, s*x, and s*x. AT BOBBY'S OFFICE Nathan : Coach ... I wanted to talk to you about Devon. I didn't mean for you to cut him. Bobby : Well, good, because it wasn't your call. I cut Devon because he wouldn't play for me. And that crap he pulled the other night ... that's the last straw. Nathan : Okay, well, maybe you could talk to him about it or something. Coach, the guy has a family. Bobby : So do you, Nathan. So do I. Look, this is a business. You two aren't the only ones whose end game is the NBA. I'm certainly not gonna get there coaching a losing team. Nathan : I understand. Okay, maybe Devon and I can work together. Bobby : It's done, Nathan. You're my starter now. I need for you to focus on that. Who's more important here ... you or Devon? Nathan : My family is more important. Bobby : All right, then. We're done here. I'll see you in practice tomorrow. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Lucas : Stop it! Brooke : He already cast me. Hey! Excuse me. It's like "The twilight zone" in here! You! How could you write such horrible things about me? You, who called me your pretty girl and said that I was gonna change the world someday?! Huh?! Lucas : What are you talking about? Brooke : Tell me that you didn't write that! Lucas : I didn't write this. Brooke : Then who did? Adam Reese : I'll take the third Haley's legs, the first Brooke's fun bags, and the last Peyton's ass. Julian : I take the real Brooke Davis. Brooke : Here's your stupid jacket. I should have seen this coming. You related to my character in the book, and you wanted all my wardrobe to be sexier, and you gave me your letterman jacket. You want high-school Brooke? I have news for you. I am not that girl anymore. There is a lot more to me than just s*x. Julian : Brooke ... Brooke : High-school Brooke graduated! Julian : Hey, Brooke! Adam Reese : Don't worry. I know where you can find five more who look just like her. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Haley : Oh, hey. You're baby-proofing. Don't forget the laundry room. Jamie used to take naps in the dryer. Peyton : Yeah, I got it. The toilet, the cupboards, fridge. What else does a baby get into? Haley : Your heart. Peyton : I love it. Haley : Good. Peyton : Thanks. Haley : I saw you registered for a boning knife, but I figured that was more practical for a newborn. How you holding up? Peyton : I don't know. One minute, I'm shopping, and the next, I feel like I'm gonna cry. Tell me that's normal. Haley : Just remember, things are never as bad as you think they are, even though your hormones are trying to convince you otherwise. Peyton : I know, I know. Um, I just ... I keep telling everybody that I'm okay. But doing all this baby stuff just really makes me wish that Lucas was here. I've got this doctor's appointment tomorrow that I really want him to go to, but he's so busy with the movie. Haley : Well, if you want him to go, why don't you just tell him? Peyton : I did. I told him last week. But with everything that's going on, he's ... you know, he's swamped, and I don't want to be a nag. Haley : I think you should nag him anyway. That boy needs it. Peyton : Thanks. And thanks for being so good with Luke. You make everything better for us. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Sorry I'm late. I'll start dinner Sam : Or we can order pizza. Brooke : Sam, I am not in high school anymore. I can make you a grown-up dinner, like a salad or a ... roast. Sam : Okay, I was just thinking maybe we could celebrate? Brooke : Okay. What should we celebrate? The fact that I finally ditched my clone or that Julian thinks that I am a teenage nymphomaniac? Sam : Um, I was just kind of thinking maybe we could celebrate me winning the school essay contest. Brooke : Really? Sam, that's amazing. "Homeless in high school." Sam : It's about me and Jack ... How rough life can be on your own. All that fun stuff. Brooke : I am so proud of you. Sam : Thank you. Brooke : Can I put it on the fridge? Sam : Yeah. Brooke : Okay. Sam : Brooke ... you're so mad at Julian, but at least he's still around. I would give anything to have Jack back. Brooke : Yeah. But we should be celebrating that. So, what do you want to do? Sam : I want to eat pizza. Brooke : Seriously? Okay. AT DAN'S HOUSE Lauren : So thanks for tonight, Jamie. I'll see you in school tomorrow? Bye. Dan : So, how did the rest of your evening go? Jamie : So-so. She just wanted to talk about adult stuff like a new car and Maroon 5. Next time, I think I should date someone my own age. Dan : Or younger. Jamie : I'm sorry I called you mean. Next time, we should just do a guys' night. Dan : So, uh... we still friends? Jamie : Best. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Hey, it's me. Um, god, I'm sorry. I know you're busy. Just today has been ... I tried putting the crib together. I did. It just totally sucked. And every square inch of our house needs to be baby-proofed, or our kid's gonna end up like junk. And I don't even know what we're registered for. I really just wish you could have been there. Um, and I wish you could be there for my doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I know you're busy, and I just ... Phone : If you're satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to erase and re-record your message, press 2. Peyton : Hi! It's me. Um, I put the crib together. It's awesome. So, I just want to call and say hi and I miss you and come home soon, okay? Bye. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC Adam Reese : You want to know what I think? Lucas : I know what you think. You want the girl with the big breasts. Adam Reese : Look, when I was casting "Trouser hound," I had a really tough time trying to decide who should play Miss Kittington. A director friend of mine told me to close my eyes during the auditions. He said that was the best way to be able to hear the actress and not just see a hot girl. Lucas : Is that what you do? Adam Reese : No! I picked the actress with the best rack. You just looked like you needed some advice. Girl : Hi. Adam Reese : Well, hello. Leave us. Girl : Actually, I want to speak to both of you. I really want to play Peyton. I feel that I identify with her. We were both in the popular crowd in school even though we felt like outcasts, and we both feel that the first song you hear in the morning can affect your entire day. And I'll totally sleep with you. You too. Adam Reese : Well, look at you go. You just made my decision very, very easy. Lucas : Mine, too. AT THE STUDIO / TRIC - AT THE GYMNASIUM - TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Adam Reese : Playing the role of Peyton Sawyer is Miss Heidi Jay. Lucas : Sorry, but the other girl just wasn't Peyton. I had to go with my gut. Adam Reese : No worries. She was Peyton last night ... and I was Lucas. Everyone, welcome to the table read for "An unkindness of ravens." I am Adam Reese, your Director. This is Lucas Scott, the writer and producer. Lucas. Lucas : All right, here it goes. "Fade in. Exterior Tree Hill High School. Night. Steady traffic filters into the parking lot as a solitary figure enters frame, dribbling a worn basketball." Nathan Actor : "I'm really lucky to have basketball. It's pretty much my shot at everything from here on out. If I lose that, it's over for me." Nino : Well, well. If it ain't the jolly green-shoe giant. Oh, that's right. You only 6'2", so I guess that'd make you sprout. Nathan : What are you doing here, Nino? Nino : Playing point guard. Or at least I will be as soon as you get the hell up out of my spot. Hey ... see you on the court, 12. Haley Actress : "When I'm tutoring someone and they get it and that light goes on, I feel good. I feel worthy. " Girl : So I put soap in my foster mom's wine ... cleaned her mouth out for a change." Boy : That's so awesome. Hey, Sam, great article. Missy (Brooke Actress) : "I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there's no one else that you could ever be with and that you'd rather be alone than without me. " AT DIXIE'S RESTAURANT Julian : Does that look like Mr. Popular to you? I know you're not the person you were in high school, 'cause I'm not, either. And I'm glad, because that kid never would have stood a chance with you. Brooke : Were you really a Mathlete? Julian : I was the Mathlete. But I'm not anymore, and I don't want high-school Brooke. I'm sorry the breakdown hurt your feelings. It was meant to describe who the character was before anyone got to know the real person. That's a breakdown describing the Brooke Davis I'm looking for. Brooke : "Funny. Intelligent. Kind-hearted. Strong-headed. Simple. Complicated. Motherly. Childish. Tough. Sensitive. Beautiful. Way cooler than she was in high school." Julian : That girl has been nearly impossible to find but worth every second of the wait. Brooke : Are you gonna make sure missy knows this? Julian : I'm gonna make sure everybody knows. Peyton Actress : I'm glad you're here. "I know we kind of lost each other for a while there, but hopefully that's over, right?" Lucas Actor : "It's always gonna be there, isn't it ... you and me?" AT THE HOSPITAL Doctor : Is the father going to be joining us? Peyton : No. Lucas : Yes ... he is. Peyton : Hey. How'd you know? Lucas : You told me last week. Peyton : I'm so happy you're here, Luke. Lucas : Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss this for the world. Peyton : That's exactly what I needed to hear. Doctor : That's your baby's heartbeat. Lucas : Waouh! And that is exactly what I needed to hear. You're beautiful. Lucas : "They eye each other, just a boy and a girl, alone but together in this place called tree hill." Let's make a movie.

Plan: A: an uproar; Q: What is Tree Hill in? A: problems; Q: What does Lucas have with the casting for the movie? A: Peyton; Q: Who tries to solve the wedding plans? A: Brooke; Q: Who meets the actress who will play her in the movie? A: Nathan; Q: Who gets good news? A: Haley; Q: Who must make a tough decision by herself? A: Dan; Q: Who advises Jamie on how to deal with a school crush? A: Soul Coughing; Q: What band is the episode named after? Summary: Tree Hill is in an uproar again when Lucas has problems with the casting for the movie and Peyton tries to solve the wedding plans. Brooke meets the actress who will play her in the movie. Nathan gets good news and Haley must make a tough decision by herself. Dan advises Jamie on how to deal with a school crush. This episode is named after a song by Soul Coughing .

"THE INVASION" BY DERRICK SHERWIN FROM A STORY BY KIT PEDLER First broadcast - 2nd November 1968 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. THE BORDERLINE BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION (The TARDIS reforms, its shattered pieces clicking and locking seamlessly together.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. THE CONSOLE ROOM OF THE TARDIS (The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe are safe.) JAMIE: Doctor! It's all right, it worked! DOCTOR: Jamie! You're right! We... we... we'd better just check though. ZOE: Are we actually on our way, Doctor, or are we stuck somewhere? DOCTOR: Well let's see shall we? (He activates the scanner, which reveals the dark, looming shadow of the moon.) JAMIE: Wh... where are we, what's that? ZOE: It's the moon, isn't it Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, yes. That's the dark side of the moon. We seem to have stopped in space. (We see the inky blackness of space beyond the dark side of the moon, the TARDIS hovering in its shadow.) ZOE: I remember seeing this before. DOCTOR: Ssh Zoe. (As the scanner pans slowly round, they see a dim light on the moon's surface.) DOCTOR: That light on the moon's surface, do you see it? ZOE: Doctor! It's getting bigger! (The light is spiralling towards them, a pin prick in the dark getting gradually larger.) ZOE: It's coming towards us! DOCTOR: Zoe... that's a missile! JAMIE: (In panic.) A what? ZOE: It's a missile. Somebody's fired a missile at us Jamie! Oh Doctor, come on, let's get out of here! DOCTOR: Don't fuss me Zoe. (He pulls open a panel on the console and yanks out some circuits.) ZOE: Well what's happened? DOCTOR: Well it's the landing circuit, it seems to have jammed! That's why we're stuck in space! Ah... (Outside in deep space, the missile is roaring towards the TARDIS.) ZOE: We'll never make it! Oh we're too late! DOCTOR: (Wrestling with the console.) Oh the stupid thing! (The Missile rushes forwards and there is an explosion...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. A COUNTRY FIELD (There is a strange sound from the sky. The TARDIS materialises in its police-box form.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM DOCTOR: Oh! JAMIE: (Sarcastically.) I think we've landed! DOCTOR: Yes, I'm... I'm sorry about that Jamie! Are you all right Zoe? ZOE: Yes I think so! JAMIE: Oh, anyway, we weren't blown to pieces by that missile thing. ZOE: Why would anybody want to fire a missile at us? Surely they'd find out who we were first? DOCTOR: (Suspiciously.) Yes. Unless they knew already. ZOE: The question is: was the object we saw on the other side of the moon in this time zone or not? JAMIE: You mean, it could still be out there? DOCTOR: Yes, let's have a look. (They all turn to the scanner again, which is panning across a field filled full of cows. Zoe looks on astonished as they seemingly stare at her. The Doctor roars with laughter.) DOCTOR: Ha ha haha ha!! (The others join in.) DOCTOR: We're certainly not on the moon's surface, are we?! (Suddenly the console gives a judder and, outside, the police box vanishes. The TARDIS is invisible!.) JAMIE: What's the matter with the TARDIS, Doctor? It keeps going wrong all the time. DOCTOR: It merely needs an overhaul Jamie, just like any piece of machinery. ZOE: Well, haven't you got any spares? DOCTOR: No, no. We shall have to see if we can get some made. Let's have a further look, shall we? (They look at their new surroundings on the scanner in closer detail.) DOCTOR: Oh yes, it could be twentieth-century England. In summer time, I should say. See the rain clouds? (He suddenly has an idea.) DOCTOR: We... we might try and look up our old friend Professor Travers in London. He might be able to help us! JAMIE: Aye. DOCTOR: Hmm... Yes. Always supposing he's not a baby or a schoolboy! Now come along! I'll just collect this circuit, and I think I'd better leave this one. There. (He plucks it from the console and instantly the interior of the ship dissolves into nothing.) DOCTOR: It's all right. Just a fault in the visual stabiliser circuit. We'd better take that too. JAMIE: Doctor? Doctor? Where are you? DOCTOR: Come along ... (They exit the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. THE MEADOW OUTSIDE (The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe emerge from the TARDIS, to find it invisible; Zoe rolls her eyes in disbelief, and the Doctor simply holds up the circuits he has removed from the console as explanation. The three of them walk across the field to the country road. A lorry comes along the lane and pulls up before them. The driver is scruffily attired, with ginger hair.) DOCTOR: I... I wonder if you could help us? DRIVER: Are you trying to get out? DOCTOR: We're trying to get to London! DRIVER: Get in! DOCTOR: Oh that's very civil of you. DRIVER: You, shut up will you, and get in. (They climb into the back of the lorry and squeeze amongst cartons of eggs and old crates. The truck pulls sharply away down the lane. After a while, it pulls to a stop and they get out.) DOCTOR: Is something wrong? DRIVER: Look, we'd better get rid of the lorry. Come on. (They clamber down into the bushes on the side of the road.) JAMIE: Wha... what's happening? Why are we hiding? DRIVER: Company security were on my trail. ZOE: Which company? DRIVER: Come on, there's only one company. DOCTOR: Well, you see, we're strangers around here. DRIVER: Strangers? Then you're not from the community then? DOCTOR: No. DRIVER: Then how did you get inside the compound? DOCTOR: Well, that's rather a long story. ZOE: This community you talked about... are they prisoners here then? DRIVER: Those who haven't gone over to the company are, yes. Not that they say you can't get out, they just make it pretty impossible without passes. JAMIE: You can move in and out. DRIVER: I got in alright. But getting out might be just a bit more difficult. DOCTOR: This company, what do they do? DRIVER: International Electromatics. Now surely you've heard of them? DOCTOR: Well no, we've been a little out of touch. DRIVER: You must have been. They're the worlds biggest electronics manufacturers. You can hardly buy a piece of equipment that isn't theirs. Quick, get down! (He has heard a distant roar of engines. The Lorry Driver drags them all backwards into the shelter of the hedge row as two large motorbikes scream past, leaving a cloud of dust. The Doctor looks perplexed.) ZOE: Well what is this place? This compound? DRIVER: They set up a whole community of their own. Factories. Houses. A vast network of industrial complexes. All of the local people have been bought out. Most of them join the company. The others... ZOE: What about them? DRIVER: My people haven't been able to trace them. DOCTOR: Your people? (The Driver bites his lip, obviously not meaning to let this slip. He ignores the question.) DRIVER: Should be safe now. We're not far from the guard post. You three had better stay out of sight in the lorry. I'll try and bluff our way out. (He scrambles to his feet.) DRIVER: Come on. (They all climb back into the lorry, the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe concealing themselves in the back, hidden. The Lorry continues off down the track.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. THE GUARD POST (The Lorry comes to a high metal fence lined with barbed wire and spikes. There is a large electrified gate where it meets the road. In the back of the lorry the Doctor and his companions are huddled down.) JAMIE: We're slowing down! Must be the guard post now. ZOE: Why are we hiding like this? We've done nothing wrong! DOCTOR: We'll find out later. Keep down! (A Guard emerges from a security hut. The insignia on his dark visored helmet, under which only his mouth is visible, is a zigzag of lightening in the grip of a clenched glove, the symbol of International Electromatics. The Lorry Driver shows the Guard his pass, which is seemingly in order. The gates glide open and the Lorry containing the Doctor and his friends is driven through. Moments after it has gone, the two motorbikes we saw earlier tear up to the guard post and one of the bikers speaks to the Guard. They both then accelerate off after the recently departed Lorry.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD (The lorry comes to a halt and the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe climb out.) DRIVER: They're right behind us ... DOCTOR: Oh, well. Thank you. DRIVER: Now come on. Get lost! (The trio escape through a hedge as the motorbikes approach.) BIKER: Hey you! I want to see your pass! (The Driver gives the Biker his pass.) BIKER: You will come back with us for questioning. DRIVER: Oh come off it, the pass is in order, isn't it? BIKER: Don't argue! Follow us. DRIVER: Oh no, I'm not going back inside that compound, and there's nothing you can do to make me. BIKER: You will come back with us. DRIVER: Look, we're not on IE property now, you've no authority... Sorry, you want to hold me, get onto the police, see you! (The Biker draws a gun and shoots the Driver several times, whose smoking body is thrown over his Lorry and rolls down behind it. Meanwhile, having made their escape, the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe flag down a passing car further up the track.) DOCTOR: Er... Can you give us a lift to London? CAR OWNER: Yes, I suppose so. JAMIE: Thank you. Thank you very much. (The car drives away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. LONDON - PROFESSOR TRAVERS' HOUSE (EXT) (Outside Travers' house, the Doctor examines the door plaque.) DOCTOR: Here we are. Right. That's odd! It says 'Watkins'. JAMIE: Perhaps it's the wrong house. DOCTOR: Well the telephone directory definitely said number eighteen. We'll ask. (He rings the bell, to no reply. He rings again, holding the bell down until the door is opened by an attractive young girl.) ISOBEL: If you don't mind, I'm TRYING to work! (The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe follow her into the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. TRAVERS' HOUSE - LOUNGE DOCTOR: Oh... I'm sorry Miss, but we, er... wondered whether you could help us. We wondered if... ISOBEL: (Picking up her camera.) Well now the stupid thing's gone and jammed! DOCTOR: Oh dear, perhaps I could help you. ISOBEL: Well, do you know anything about cameras? DOCTOR: Yes, a little. (The Doctor takes the camera and studies it.) DOCTOR: I see... ISOBEL: I had it on automatic shutter... DOCTOR: You're taking photos of yourself? ISOBEL: ...and yes you interrupted me and the stupid thing jammed! Have you come to see my Uncle? He's not here. But who are you? Friends of his? Fellow nuts? DOCTOR: Please let me answer one question at a time. ISOBEL: You be careful of that thing, it cost me a fortune. DOCTOR: It's alright, it's a very simple mechanism. Who is your uncle? ISOBEL: Professor Watkins. DOCTOR: Oh. Then Professor Travers doesn't live here? ISOBEL: He did. He left about a month ago. Gone to America for a year with his daughter. JAMIE: Oh that's just great! ISOBEL: My Uncle worked at the Cavendish lab. He wanted to do some work, so Professor Travers said he could use his daughter's lab, here. And I moved in because I got kicked out of my studio last week. DOCTOR: What field of science is your uncle in? ISOBEL: Oh, I don't know. He's in... applied physics or something. Always messing around with computers and things. Complete nuts. DOCTOR: Well that is fortunate, perhaps he might be able to help us. Is he at home? ISOBEL: No. DOCTOR: Well, where is he? ISOBEL: Well how do I know, I'm not his keeper. Hey, have you fixed it? DOCTOR: Oh yes, that's alright. (The Doctor hands Isobel the camera, which is now no longer jammed.) ISOBEL: That's really great, thanks! DOCTOR: Miss... (Isobel's eyes light up as she spots Zoe in her sparkling outfit.) ISOBEL: Hey! That's... that's a jolly outfit, would you mind posing for me? ZOE: (Taken aback.) What? ISOBEL: Just stand there. (She begins snapping away at Zoe.) DOCTOR: Miss! (She continues to take snaps of Zoe.) ISOBEL: Isobel. Yeah, OK ... Now, head over shoulder. DOCTOR: Have you any idea when your uncle is going to be back? ISOBEL: No, he left about a week ago. I haven't seen him since. JAMIE: A week? ISOBEL: Yeah, he was prattling on about some new invention, or something or other, and having the chance to develop it. Now. (To Zoe.) Not you. OK. Now. DOCTOR: Can't you get in touch with him? ISOBEL: No, I tried. I... I wanted to borrow a couple of quid off him in a hurry, but... well they said he wasn't available for phone calls. DOCTOR: "They"! Now... now who is "They"? ISOBEL: (To Zoe.) Just get that, will you? (To Doctor.) I don't know. International Electric something or other. ZOE: International Electromatics? ISOBEL: Yes, probably. DOCTOR: (Gently.) You mean your uncle has gone to work for these people? ISOBEL: Mmm. (She is far more interested in her new model - Zoe.) DOCTOR: Well, surely we can get in touch with him. ISOBEL: Well, you can try telephoning, but I doubt if you'll get any joy. Oh, phone's in the hall, and the number's scribbled on the wall. DOCTOR: Thank you. ISOBEL: (To Zoe.) Hey. Don't go. I don't often get the chance of photographing a real model. ZOE: Oh all right. ISOBEL: Come on, let's get you fixed up with some gear! (The pair disappear to kit Zoe out in some fashionable attire.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. HALLWAY (Jamie and the Doctor find the phone in the hall, by a large wall covered with scribbled-down names and telephone numbers. Jamie finds the number on the wall and reads it out as the Doctor dials.) JAMIE: Three. DOCTOR: Three. JAMIE: Four. DOCTOR: Four. JAMIE: Two. DOCTOR: Two. JAMIE: Doctor, do you suppose this firm could be the one that driver was talking about? DOCTOR: Oh I'm sure of it. JAMIE: In that case, Watkins could have been kidnapped! DOCTOR: Ah, Jamie. You mustn't let your imagination run away with you. I must admit, it's a bit strange... (A flat, toneless voice answers the phone at IE H.Q.) RECEPTION: International Electromatics company, state your business. DOCTOR: I would like, please, to speak with Professor Watkins. RECEPTION: One moment... (There is a long pause.) RECEPTION: Party not available. DOCTOR: Oh, yes. You see... but, this is very important. RECEPTION: Party not available. DOCTOR: Yes, but I must speak with him. RECEPTION: Party not available. Party not available. (The machine continues to repeat this statement in an endless loop.) DOCTOR: (Angrily.) But this is an automatic answering device! Ah, shut up you stupid machine! JAMIE: Now what? DOCTOR: There's only one thing for it! We'll have to go there ourselves. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. LOUNGE (In the lounge, Zoe is wearing a feather boa round her neck and posing for Isobel.) ISOBEL: Okay, that's fabulous, just keep it like that. Great. (The Doctor and Jamie enter.) ISOBEL: Any luck? DOCTOR: No, it was stupid, simple-minded computer answering service. ISOBEL: Well, what do we do now? DOCTOR: Jamie and I are going to this place, come on Zoe. ZOE: No thanks, I think I'll stay here, it's great fun. JAMIE: You look like a chicken with all those feathers on! DOCTOR: No. Well, come on Jamie. Oh, the address... ISOBEL: Oh that's scribbled on the wall too. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. JAMIE: Do you not write anything down on paper at all? ISOBEL: I'd only lose it if I did. Writing on a wall is much safer. You can't lose a wall, can you? JAMIE: (Confused.) ...No. ISOBEL: (To Zoe.) OK listen, just put your boa round your head... OK now bring your eyes just into me... [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INTERNATIONAL ELECTROMATICS HQ (EXT.) (The HQ is a huge building which towers above the Doctor and Jamie, its surface a grid of dark windows. A plaque above the entrance holds the IE symbol of lightening within a clenched fist. Outside, they are observed by some suited men in a car. One of these is Corporal Benton of UNIT. The Doctor and Jamie march into the foyer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INT. I.E. H.Q. - FOYER (The foyer is deserted aside from the large computer that answered the Doctor's earlier phone call.) DOCTOR: I thought so! JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: More stupid computers! Automatic receptionists! Right! RECEPTION: International Electromatics company. State your business. DOCTOR: I would like please, to speak with Professor Watkins. (The Computer whirrs.) RECEPTION: One moment... (Its response is as before.) RECEPTION: Party not available. DOCTOR: Then I would like to speak with someone in authority. RECEPTION: Your request will be considered, and your appointment arranged. Please state your name and address. DOCTOR: That's no good. I wish to speak with somebody, now. RECEPTION: I am sorry. All personnel are engaged. DOCTOR: But I insist. This is an emergency! RECEPTION: State the nature of the emergency. DOCTOR: It's a private matter. RECEPTION: Private matters have no emergency status. DOCTOR: Ah shut up you stupid machine! Diabolical inventions! JAMIE: What now? DOCTOR: Come on! JAMIE: Where are we going? DOCTOR: There must be somebody else in this building except these stupid machines. Come on. (They venture further into International Electromatics HQ.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14 EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE I.E. H.Q. (Outside, they are being discussed by the two soldiers in the unmarked car.) BENTON: HQ are checking now. Where are they? TRACY: Gone round the back, down the side alley. BENTON: That's a dead end, isn't it? So they've got to come out this way! TRACY: If they come out. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (At the very top of the IE building, Tobias Vaughn has observed the Doctor's arrival, and speaks to his henchman, Packer. The two of them watch a monitor picture of the Doctor and Jamie cautiously walking down a corridor of the main building.) PACKER: Well. VAUGHN: The same two? PACKER: Yeah. VAUGHN: Deal with them. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INT. CORRIDOR (As the Doctor and Jamie round a bend, hidden canisters spray a choking gas at them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE I.E. H.Q. (Outside in the car, it is time for action.) BENTON: Okay, lets move. TRACY: HQ? BENTON: Yes, they've run a check. They want these two. Priority. TRACY: Right, let's get 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INT. CORRIDOR (The Doctor and Jamie are overcome by the gas. As the toxic fumes clear, Packer and his guards emerge from the shadows. A guard raises a hand to strike the Doctor...) PACKER: Wait! (Aggressively.) This will be my pleasure! VAUGHN: (On the videolink.) Packer! Bring them to my office. PACKER: But Mr Vaughn, I haven't interrogated them yet. VAUGHN: Packer! Please do as I say. PACKER: Yes sir. (The Doctor Moans.) PACKER: Come on. This way. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INT. VAUGHN'S OFFICE VAUGHN: Come and sit down, gentlemen. DOCTOR: Thank you. VAUGHN: You can go, Packer. PACKER: But Mr Vaughn... VAUGHN: Thank you Packer. Thank you. PACKER: Yes sir. (Packer leaves.) VAUGHN: (To the Doctor.) I must apologise for Packer's crude devotion to duty. But your method of entry into my building was rather... unconventional, wasn't it? JAMIE: Aye, well there was no need for all that gas and stuff. DOCTOR: Jamie! I think perhaps it is we who should be apologising to you, Mr... VAUGHN: Vaughn. Tobias Vaughn. I'm the managing director of International Electromatics. Your business must be very pressing to force you to such extremes. DOCTOR: Yes, it is. VAUGHN: Concerning Professor Watkins? JAMIE: Huh. How did you know? VAUGHN: My computer. It reported directly to me. DOCTOR: Oh I see. VAUGHN: You've gone to a lot of trouble for nothing you know. The Professor's working on an experiment and refuses to see anyone. JAMIE: Ah, well. We only want to talk to him you see. VAUGHN: Perhaps I can help. DOCTOR: No, I don't think so, thank you very much. JAMIE: Oh, come on Doctor, it's only a couple of electronic circuits. (Vaughn instantly looks intrigued and the Doctor shoots Jamie an angry look: he didn't want Vaughn to find out about the circuits from the TARDIS.) VAUGHN: (Eagerly.) Circuits? Electronic circuits? My technicians are the best in the world. I'm sure they'd be able to assist you. Show me the circuits. DOCTOR: Well I... VAUGHN: Please... I'd like to help. (The Doctor is forced to hand over the circuits to Vaughn.) VAUGHN: As you say, rather complex. However, I'm sure we'll be able to help you. DOCTOR: Yes. You see... VAUGHN: I'll have them sent to my workshops immediately. DOCTOR: Oh, how very kind. VAUGHN: Not at all. Professor Watkins is a valued colleague. Any friend of his is... Oh. Have you got one of these young man? (He is holding a very small transistor radio, and offers it to Jamie.) JAMIE: No, what is it? VAUGHN: Surely you've seen them about. They're disposable transistor radios. One of our latest products. Most popular. We've sold ten million in this country alone. Here. Compensation for the treatment you received from the worthy Packer. JAMIE: Thank you. How does it work? (He turns it on and a stream of very loud noise can be heard.) DOCTOR: Yes, that's how you turn it on Jamie. VAUGHN: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm afraid I have an urgent appointment. DOCTOR: Yes, of course, come along Jamie. VAUGHN: Packer will meet you and show you the way out, Mr... DOCTOR: Doctor. Goodbye. VAUGHN: Goodbye Doctor. JAMIE: Goodbye Mr Vaughn, thank you for the radio. VAUGHN: Not at all. Packer? PACKER: (From video link.) Yes Mr Vaughn? VAUGHN: Show our visitors off the premises would you? PACKER: Very good sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. EXT. ENTRANCE TO I.E. H.Q. (Packer shows the Doctor and Jamie to the exit of IE H.Q.) PACKER: Next time, read the notice on the door. JAMIE: Oh, don't tell me you can read as well, what else do you do! DOCTOR: Jamie! JAMIE: Friendly sort of chap! DOCTOR: huh. (The Doctor is deep in thought.) JAMIE: Is something wrong? DOCTOR: Yes! That fellow's not what he seems. JAMIE: That big idiot? Oh don't worry I'll soon sort... DOCTOR: No, no, no. I mean Vaughn. The normal range of human blinking is about one every ten or fifteen seconds. Vaughn was blinking far less frequently than that. JAMIE: Oh, and he's got a forked tail and wee horns. DOCTOR: Oh I'm not joking Jamie. Underneath all that charm, there was something... odd, sinister, almost inhuman. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (In his office, Vaughn flicks a concealed switch. The whole far wall revolves upwards to reveal a space beyond. In the space is a machine, like a cage, surrounded in a network of wires and circuits. At the heart sits a pulsating, throbbing intelligence...)

Plan: A: London; Q: Where does the TARDIS land? A: Professor Watkins; Q: Who is Isobel Watkins' missing uncle? A: a multinational electronics supplier; Q: What kind of company did the Doctor visit? A: the company's managing director; Q: Who does the Doctor meet at the electronics supplier? A: his office; Q: Where does the managing director have alien technology? Summary: The TARDIS lands in London where the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe agree to help find Isobel Watkins' missing uncle.Searching for Professor Watkins at his last place of work,a multinational electronics supplier, hemeets the company's managing director. He's not what he seems - and possesses alien technology in his office.

Originally written by Doty Abrams Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up] ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi! CAROL: So how did everything go? ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it. CAROL: Well, we've gotta go. ROSS: Ok. SUSAN: [clears her throat] CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us. ROSS: Oh, you and me? CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me. SUSAN: The other us. ROSS: Ok. CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married. ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married? CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to. ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding. CAROL: Look I just thought that... ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me! SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair? ROSS: Mmm hmmm. CAROL: Want us to go? ROSS: Uh-huh. [at Rachel and Monica's] ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television. JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives.. MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast. ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes! MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it? ROSS: Would it matter? MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank you! JOEY: Are you really not going? ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married? MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them. ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason. CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor. MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this. ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever. RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss it? JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself. CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty. JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. RACHEL: I'm sorry, what? MONICA: What? JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. CHANDLER: Oh, ok. JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right? JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee. CHANDLER: Nice! RACHEL: That's great! ROSS: Excellent! CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something. [Monica and Rachel's] ROSS: That is so good! Do it again! JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!" CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. ROSS: No no, that's me. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. ROSS: Oh, hello. PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh... ROSS: Is everything ok? PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today. ROSS: Oh my god. CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get. PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman. MONICA: Oh, honey. PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far. RACHEL: What do you mean? PHOEBE: I think it went into me. [Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe] [Central Perk] MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck. CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks. RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what? ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf? RACHEL: Oh god. JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'. RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know? PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time. JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us? PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Sit up! MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is. RACHEL: Mom! MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun. RACHEL: Pretty much. MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross. MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross. ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.] MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job? RACHEL: Oh Mom! MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink. CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens. MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you. RACHEL: Really? MRS GREEN: Yes. PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales. JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer? PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? [at Rachel and Monica's MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument. MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, sweetie. RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know? MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want. RACHEL: For...me. MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you. RACHEL: Well, what do you mean? MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your father. MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick. MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them. ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along? RACHEL: None. JOEY: They didn't fight a lot? RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems? PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day, divorce was not an option. JOEY: Hey, look who's up. RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this. MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you. RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut? CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true. PHOEBE: That's him. CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet. MR A: Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me. MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting. PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit? MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear? PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me. MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you? PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around? MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything. PHOEBE: Everything? MR A: Everything. PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff. MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head. MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh? [Joey nods and shrugs.] MRS GREEN: Look at this. RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago. MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office? RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"? RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen." MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it. RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help? MONICA: If you want. PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty. RACHEL: She's still with you? PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh, such a pretty face. MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana? RACHEL: God! MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food. MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in s*x? RACHEL: Oh! What's new in s*x? MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your father. MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything. MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing? MRS GREEN: No. RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it? MRS GREEN: No. RACHEL: Then what? What do you want? MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this. RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this? MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did. RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles. MONICA: Joey, speed it up! JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets! PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out. MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry? PHOEBE: Sir! No sir! MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you! ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing. MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon. CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon. [knock at the door] [SCENE_BREAK] MONICA: Hi. CAROL: How's it going? MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans] CAROL: Fine, whatever. ROSS: What's the matter? CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding. ROSS: What? MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish. ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened? CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming. ROSS: Oh my god. CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything. ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry. CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do. ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right. CAROL: You do? ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this. CAROL: Of course I do. ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it. CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right. MONICA: So we're back on? CAROL: We're back on. MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes. [at the wedding] JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly. CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding. [Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.] PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later. [Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.] CAROL: Thank you. ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go] CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go] MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony. PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go. [At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.] MONICA: Would you look at them? ROSS: Yeah, can't help but. JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys. PHOEBE: I miss Rose. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah? PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone. WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink? PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice. [Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.] CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away] RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun? MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options. RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right? [Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely] SUSAN: How you doin'? ROSS: Ok. SUSAN: You did a good thing today. ROSS: Yeah. SUSAN: You wanna dance? ROSS: No, that's fine. SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead. ROSS: Ok. [They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.] CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. pen1s schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again.] [at Monica and Rachel's] MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married? ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married. PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically. RACHEL: I had a wedding. MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion. JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler] CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this? ALL: Oh, yeah!

Plan: A: their lesbian wedding; Q: What event does Carol and Susan hire Monica to cater? A: the upcoming nuptials; Q: What runs into a snag? A: Phoebe; Q: Who believes she is possessed by an eighty-two-year-old client's spirit? A: a massage session; Q: What did Phoebe's client die during? A: The woman's widower; Q: Who tells Phoebe that his wife wanted to see everything before she died? A: Marlo Thomas; Q: Who is Rachel's mother? A: Rachel's father; Q: Who is Rachel's mother leaving? Summary: Carol and Susan hire Monica to cater their lesbian wedding, though the upcoming nuptials soon runs into a snag that Ross helps untangle. Phoebe believes she is possessed by an eighty-two-year-old client's spirit who died during a massage session. The woman's widower tells Phoebe that his late wife did not want to die until she saw "everything." Rachel is shocked when her visiting mother ( Marlo Thomas ) announces she is leaving Rachel's father.

[In the living room of the Waldorf] Gossip Girl (Blair and his servants preparing the evening): Nate being party to help Chuck's father to close his yacht for the season, B. has plenty of time to devote himself to the most important event of the fall: his sleepover. A tradition must! Each year surpassing the previous in terms of decadence. Reputations are made as quickly as they come apart. As for the budget, it is unlimited! Of bed linen glittering grand buffet, nothing is missing except the best friend of Blair, the chief star of sleepovers, I named S. Van Der Woodsen! [At the Art Gallery of Rufus] Dan: Dad, I'm going to the bank. You want me to deposit the check from Mom while I'm there? (Shakes a bag filled with coins) Rufus: Tell me, you've robbed a parking meter? Dan: Nah, I finally decided to break the bank that you gave me for my 10 years. It can not be both a man and still have a piggy bank! It was time for me to kill the pig in china! Rufus: So it's finally the big night? Dan: Yeah, and I planned everything. (Looking at his bag filled with coins) An evening that will weigh three pounds in order to nose! Rufus: I know my hot date back to last for ages but I can not believe that cinema has risen to that point! Dan: I'm going out with Serena Van Der Woodsen, I can still not take her to the movies! I want it to be as exceptional evening! Uh ... the check, you want me to file it? (Rufus looks away) You still have not told him. Dad, this is the first time she sells a painting, you would still have prevented, it is not nothing to it! Rufus: I know, suddenly I thought it would be a good idea to surprise her. I intend to go to Hutson give him the check in person. Dan: Um. Rufus: What? The good news is better to announce the opposite, right? Dan: It's quite the opposite. If she sees you land it may concern. Rufus: You're saying that, uh ... you have not let me go, huh? Dan: I'm saying that mom is not a big fan of surprises. You remember this, that famous anniversary with the clown and his llama? Rufus: Yes ... I Pfou, I really screwed up, huh. Dan: Total! Rufus: Hmm. Oh, uh ... a phone call before it is not luxury. Dan: (shaking his bag filled with coins) Do you need money? [In the halls of Constance] Serena: Jenny! If there's someone good who can help me it's you! I think I'll go crazy, I'm doing. J'me poses full of questions! Your brother something simmering for tonight and I can not know. Jenny: My brother is a very mysterious guy, you had not noticed? Serena: Wait, I even know where he wants to go. You did not have a clue to me spinning? You think he'll take me to a club to listen to obscure group denies that nobody knows or, or an exhibition of painting underground in Brooklyn, or ... Oh, is this-that the film festival has already begun ? Jenny: You leave little room for surprises you! Serena: I do not know how to loll for surprises. I always put the reverse of what is necessary! Jenny: Well, jeans and a tee shirt that will be impeccable '! In the family we dress very relaxed all day! Serena: Hmm ... [i] (his phone rings) [/ i] Oh, he's my brother! Jenny: Kiss him! Serena (on phone): Eric! Are you okay? Jenny kiss you! Eric (on phone): I kiss too! Thou hast torn the news? Serena (on phone): No! Not one. So, where are you in? Eric (on phone): My bags are ready to go. Serena (on phone): And hey, is this-that mom is still there? Eric (on phone): Yes, she is talking with the doctor. I can not believe that I still go for the weekend! What is it like a weekend? I even remember! What time you go out? It would be nice crosses. Serena (on phone): At 7 o'clock. I look forward to seeing you. Eric (on phone): Me too! Bye! Serena (on phone): I love you much! At any time! Blair: What-I learn? Eric to leave, it falls great! Serena: How so? Blair: Well, your mother and your brother can dine face to face while we will make you crazy by showing our ass behind the tinted windows of the limo! Serena: B. What are you talking there? Blair: In the most important event of the season. Serena: Oh, the sleepover! Blair: I prefer short evening. Sleepover sounds a bit too adolescent. Serena: You know I could not be there, I have something tonight. Blair: S. ! When the Waldorf are a party, you go without asking any question. Serena: I'm with Dan tonight. You know, the one you took so long to be considered as a human being worthy of your attention. Sorry, uh ... Jenny: Nah, that's nothing! Serena: Look, I want it hot date but it is untouchable. Finally, maybe we will later make a cuckoo! Blair: Nah, nah it will not be possible! I hate the cuckoos. So if you refuse to come, I'll have to find you a replacement. Pass me the waiting list! Serena: Okay, good! I must go. See ya! Jenny: Good luck tonight. Serena: Thank you! Blair: Little Jenny Humphrey! Why I have not thought of it sooner! If you got anything planned, I invite you to my evening. Jenny: I? Are you sure? Kati & Isabel: She! Are you sure? Blair: Only one thing: if you come, will have to prepare yourself to do anything but sleep! Jenny: I'm ready for anything! Blair: My flat ', 19 am sharp! Jenny: Okay. See you later! Blair: Hmm ... Oh, his first sleepover! She is not ready to forget it, we finally do the right thing. A friend of Blair (1): I wonder how long it will take. A friend of Blair (2): 50 dollars it takes 1 hour absolute maximum! [In the room of Eric Ostrov] Eric: Wait, I do not understand. He told me that I was ready, we talked about it this morning during my session. Lily: What he said was that you could go home, not that you had to go. Eric: But Mom, you promised! Lily: I do not want to argue about it. I need to think about. Eric: If you-like-. Lily: It's not a decision I take lightly. It does not come out of here like this, hands in pockets. There's papers to be signed, forms to fill, insurance ... Eric: It's not possible! You wanna lock me here forever? Lily: If you continue to believe that it is I who shut in here, this is proof that you are not yet ready to be autonomous. We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Eric: Yeah, yeah we'll talk. [In the living room of the suite of Van Der Woodsen] Serena: Hi! Dan: Hi! (Looking at the casual dress of Serena) Uh ... I'm ahead or? Hmm ... Serena: Hmm ... Nah, nah, nah! I ... It is I who am late. Come in! Uh ... I surrender one second time to go put on something a little less comfortable. Dan: Sure, yes, yes! Serena: You're entitled to talk to me while I change. Dan: I hesitate. Serena: Okay. Dan: It's pretty cool that little furnished, that you share with 800 other roommate! Serena: Yeah, well when you live at the hotel you turn round quickly after a time, eh! Sometimes I feel like a mouse trapped in a laboratory. Dan: Except that lab mice do not have the chance to have a plasma screen and room service, well I guess. Lily: Dan! Serena knows you're there? Dan: Yes, yes, yes! It was she who opened my. Finally I hope that was it. It should be about this size, rather blond. Lily: A merry-maker now! I love it. Dan: (looking at the shopping bags of Lily) Fever buyer? Lily: I needed to decompress. So where is it-are you going to take my daughter tonight? Dan: Oh, I really know. J'pensais maybe take her to explore the subway tunnels to present my friends moles. Very friendly. A little gruff but very friendly. Sorry I do not know why I say all this is a fault I have when I'm nervous I can not stop talking. It's horrible. When I was little, it seems that what I liked most was learning vocabulary. You know what I like? Your daughter. I love it, really. I ... Wow! Lily: Reassured me, you will not take that bag with that dress? Serena: But Mom! Lily: Oh, wait. (Unearthing a sack among his purchases) Take that! Serena: Oh, thank you! And, uh ... where is Eric? It should be there by now. Lily: He was too tired to go tonight. Serena: Mom! Lily: Later. Serena: (turning to Dan) Come, let's go. Lily: One o'clock in the mornin 'limit. Extra bonus if you come back at least a quarter. [In front of the Palace Hotel] Serena: Han is not true! A vespa! Han is a fabulous idea! I love, it drives me crazy! I believe it, I swear. You can not know what effect it makes me, I toured Italy vespa. This is one of my best memories! My mother has always refused to buy me one, we saw a car with a driver. But I assure you, Dan, this is an insane idea! Really! Here we go, where are the helmets? The Limo Driver: Mr. Humphrey! Serena: Oh! Ah, that is your driver. Dan: Yeah! Serena: Okay, great. Gossip Girl: seen in front of the Palace Hotel, Cinderella amount in a pumpkin while she dreamed of a carriage ride! But the lonely boy Rest assured, we have other fairy tales in stock. [In the living room of the Waldorf] Dorota (welcoming Jenny): This way, if you please. Jenny: Thank you! Blair (you choose their outfits): It's not bad. Stylist: And this one? Blair: Yeah it is. Dorota (showing the sleeping bag to Jenny): Do-I can get rid of? Blair: Oh, Jenny! Oh that's cool that you came! Gossip Girl: Let me give you good advice Jenny in this environment, censorship can be as fast as the fall. I hope your sleeping bag is also part of the fall! A friend of Blair (1): Let the party begin! [In the dining room] Dan (looking at the map): Uh ... How are the braised quail? Server: Very good, sir. Dan: Oh, uh, okay. And the chipions? Server: squid! It's delicious. Dan: Oh yes! What's that? Server: cuttlefish, sir. Dan: Oh, uh, I feel like it too. Hmm, I'll take the chicken, it's safer. Waiter: Yes, sir. Miss? Serena: I'll take a lobster bisque and duck with olives, if you please. Host: Thank you, Mademoiselle. Dan: I find it slightly snubbed me. But I dined there often. I'm what they call a regular. (Looking for senior couples) I come for the customer: sparkling, fresh, full of life ... They give really hard, believe me, with all those facelifts. Serena: Hmm ... You'll excuse me? I, um ... I'll take a walk to the bathroom, just to refresh myself. Dan: Yeah, sure, sure. I think the toilets are ... Serena: Oh, do not worry I'll find. Dan: Oh, if you please! How much she ordered the duck? Server: $ 78, sir. Dan: Okay, uh ... So thank you, is this-that you could cancel my chicken and then I would take my input instead. Server: Naturally, sir. Dan: That's very kind, thank you! [In the living room of the Waldorf] Blair (watching Jenny try outfits): Too much pink! Ha ... too panther! Too ... blue flower! Oh ... wow, even I'm impressed! Jenny: Really? Because I feel very comfortable. Blair: Well, as my mother often say, fashion and comfort are not made for each other. The appearance is the only thing that matters. And you, you look like someone who goes to a child's taste. But before continuing the makeover, a small glass. Jenny: Um ... thank you nan. I do not like vodka. Blair: Well that's good because it's the Gin! No vodka. It is an evening Jenny, then either you drink it, or you return to your small metro. Whatever you want! Jenny: Hmm. (Taking a sip from his glass of gin) Blair: Okay, it's time to play-acting or truth. Jenny: Oh, I love playing that! Once I had to swallow a whole bag of machmallow! Blair: Yes it would be great fun but we are not playing like that. Jenny: And how do you play then? (Kati & Isabel kiss) I will choose truth! [At the Art Gallery of Rufus] Alexander (on phone): Hello! Allo! Rufus (hanging up): Han, sh1t! Han, I'm more a teen! 223.28.14.71.73. Alexander (on phone): Hello! Rufus (the phone): Uh, yes. Uh, I had the wrong number. Alexander (on phone): It is you who just called? Rufus (the phone): Sorry, yes it was me but I'm pretty sure it was the right number. Alexander (on phone): Are you looking for that? Rufus (the phone): Do-Allison Humphrey's there? Alexander (on phone): Uh, not leave a second! She goes out of her shower. All '! This is for you! It is from that? Rufus (the phone): Rufus Humphrey. And you are? Alexander (on phone): Alexander Bancroft. Uh ... I, uh ... a friend of Allison. Rufus (the phone): Well there is two way. Allison (on phone): I'm here, I'm there! I'm coming. Allo! [In the dining room] Dan (the server taking away his plate): Thank you! Serena: Um ... Are you sure you want to order something else? Your entry was not very hearty. Dan: Nah, nah, nah, nah! It was perfect. I even know that the cream of fish it was. Server: Want to see the dessert menu? Serena: Oh, no thank you, I think it will go. Dan: No dessert, you're safe? Serena: Yes. Dan: Okay, so give me the bill if you please. Serena: Um ... Actually, I already paid the bill at any time. Dan: What? Server: Hmm. Serena: Yes. I, I used the credit card of my mother, it's nothing I assure you, really. Dan: You know I can pay. I have money on me. Serena: Yes, I would not doubt one second. But you're not obliged to spend it here. Dan: Wait, I understand there. I made a mistake? Serena: Nah, listen. I wanted to spend an evening with you, and you thought you'd like it here. That is, it does not matter. Dan: Okay, okay. Well, in this case, if this is the real Dan Humphrey you want, then you'll have it and I'm assured that you will not be disappointed! Let's go! Serena: Oh yeah? Dan: Yeah! Miss. Gossip Girl: Insights to the output of a restaurant: S. and the Boy Solitaire on a cloud towards the skid row! [In the living room of the Waldorf] A friend of Blair (2) (waving clothes guardian): I had trouble pulling him all her uniform! But action is an action. Jenny: The concierge is in my underwear? Blair: Do not worry for him, Choupinette! Finish your glass, you're behind. Jenny (his phone rings) Oh it's my laptop! Blair (spicy Jenny's laptop), "SOS, still in prison! "But it's Eric Van Der Woodsen! It should not go this weekend? Jenny: Do you think not. Blair: Isa ', takes girls from Visconti. You will be contacted within one hour. It is time we move on to serious matters. Truth or Dare? Oh, but you have already chosen truth! Jenny: So, uh, action. Blair: J'te challenge to go kidnap Eric! Jenny: Blair! Blair: That is great! You want him to return, and he wants out. So to you now. Action or Adios! Gossip Girl: seen at the sleepover: Little Jenny challenged by his Majesty B. Neither key miss Holy Will she dévergonder? Or will she instead deflate that does to break the mood? Jenny: I'm starting lineup! [In the room of Eric Ostrov] Jenny: Surprise! Eric: Uh, Jenny! What is that ... Jenny: Hi! Eric: What, are you doing here? Jenny: Your SOS been heard. Come! We will set you free. Eric: Finally, how? Wait, that it "they"? [At the reception desk of Ostrov] Blair (who photographed the air): It's true! I have a problem! This is the super mega catamaran '! I need a prescription! Nurse: What is that you took as a drug? Blair: Hmm ... Caffeine, nicotine, stamen, cocaine, heroin, codeine ... Not to mention amphetamines, morphine ... Anything that ends in-ine in fact! I do not discriminate. Nurse: It's yes, indeed! (On phone) I have a code yellow, 6th floor! (Hangs up) I leave you a minute, I will seek help! Blair: And I would love a cappuccino! [In the room of Eric Ostrov] Blair: Come, the way is clear! (Eric watching his quickdraw) You wanted some fresh air, right? And I wanted to help you! Eric: Yeah, it's the first time. Blair: Will a move on you, you magnez, here we go! [In the living room of the suite of Van Der Woodsen] Lily (on phone): Hello! What ...!? Uh ... but tell me, he was with that? But ... how is that possible? ... Young, blonde, cute, yes! This is his sister. I'll do it. Thank you! (Serena hanging up and calling on his cell remained after) Oh Of course! [In the room of a bar] Dan (putting the cue ball in the round): Wow! Bull's eye! A guy at the bar: Bravo! This is the beautiful game Dan (tending to Serena won money playing pool): Uh ... 75 dollars. It pays your duck. Serena: Oh, well! Thank you. Dan: So who's next? Serena: Why not me? Dan: You? Serena: Yes, unless you have fear of losing? Dan: I would not even attempt to let you win by gallantry. Serena: Oh yeah? Dan: Yeah. Serena: That's what you think? Dan: That's what I think. Serena: Well, the balls together. I'll put on some music. [In the living room of Humphrey / In the room following the Van Der Woodsen] Rufus (the phone): I hope it's not you Allison! Lily (on phone): Rufus, what is it this way to win? Rufus (the phone): Lily? Lily (on phone): I need the mobile number of your son. That's an emergency. Rufus (the phone): A true emergency or an urgency to Lily? Lily (on phone): Eric is gone! Rufus (the phone): Missing! But where? Lily (on phone): Well, um ... he was in his room here at the hotel. I, I can not reach him. He does not answer the phone. I think he is with Serena. Rufus (the phone): You called him? Lily (on phone): She forgot her cell phone. I beg you, I really need the number of your son. Rufus (the phone): Leave them alone. I'm sure they spend a good evening. Do not worry for your son. Lily (on phone): I am so worried, however. Rufus (the phone):-What are you talking about? Your son is with your daughter is with my son. I make them complete trust, do the same. Lily (on phone): Rufus! Rufus (the phone): Hi, hello, next time! [In the hall of Visconti] Visconti's a guy: Hey, beautiful brunette! Do not you want a quiet one s'trouve both, just to get to know? Blair: Well, usually I never say 'never', but then I'll make an exception. (Turning to her friends) This is the mafia of traders or what? They are rednecks with their suit! Jenny: Well, Eric is here! To you now. Truth or Dare? Blair: In your opinion? Jenny: J'te defy go ride a shovel this guy! Blair: Easy. Jenny: We have to believe in it. Kati & Isabel: Oh dear! Blair: Take in the seed, Choupinette! (The guy kissing the Visconti) A friend of the guy (1): Do not worry they will say anything to Amanda! Blair: Who is Amanda? The guy's Visconti: Actually, this is my fiancee. Blair: Oh! It is better to be left out of it, do not you think? A friend of the guy (2): Wow, that's clear! Blair (shaking the phone the guy in front of Jenny Visconti): Look what I dug up! I want you to call his girlfriend. Her name is Amanda. Jenny: Statement Challenge! (On phone) Hello! Amanda? Hello, j'm'appelle Bla ... uh, Claire! Yes, j'viens put my tongue in the mouth of a boy and I'm sorry because I just learned that he was your boyfriend! I had to tell you. It's a real gun! Ciao! A friend of Blair: On the evening of the year! Gossip Girl: There is a beginning to everything in life. The little Jenny is perhaps more so small that it after all! [In the room of a bar] Serena (goofing): Oh, no! Dan: End of the Game! You've taken a monumental plate! Viewing: 4-0! Serena: Oh, I'm as bad as that? Dan: There's no word to describe the way you play! Serena: Han, good. You promised me you would learn if I lost again. Dan: Okay, okay. I will keep my promise. I do it for you and I do it to save the honor of American billiards. Serena: Wow! Dan Go, j'te shows. The most important thing is the pool is ... (handing him his cue) Here, take this. The most important thing is the corners. The right angles, of course. Go ahead try. Serena: Okay! Dan: Um ... back a bit by hand. Serena: Hmm. Dan: Here. Serena: Okay. Dan: And, uh ... wait, a little right there. You type slowly and you do slide together, okay? Serena (loupant his stroke): Oh! This is my last song! Dan: I did not know you liked the music. Serena: Yes. There are still a bunch of things you know about me. Dan: Oh, uh, outside of your natural talent for billiards! What else? Serena: Hmm ... What I love being here with you. Dan: That I knew. Serena: Oh, uh, there's something that is going to vibrate in your pocket. I think it's your phone. Dan: Oh, uh, wait. Oh, that's my father! Knowing him, it must be something important. Serena: Oh, yes, take it. Go! Dan (on phone): Hello! What, Nan, nan, nan, it is not there. Serena has forgotten his cell phone! Serena: What? What is the matter? Dan (on phone): Oh! Yes, yes, yes, she is beside me. Taking Charge! Serena: What? What is happening? Dan: Small change of plans. Serena: No! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! I disagree. I want to leave, not right in learning. Dan: I know. Serena: And do not forget that you promised to fill my gaps! Dan: I forget them, and the table either. Serena: Well, what does that may be more important to the world that what we are doing? It can not wait until tomorrow? Dan: Nah it can not, you must call your brother right away. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of Humphrey] Rufus (opening his front door): It's you! Lily: Well ... Rufus: I was about ... Lily: I spent a few phone calls and nobody in my family knows your son. Unbelievable but true! So is Dan Humphrey is an assumed name, is it really very few friends. Anyway, I need his number. Rufus: After hanging up all the time, I thought I could be a little more understanding. Lily: Han, you think ... Rufus: And I called Dan. Lily: Thank you very much. Rufus: And your son is not with them. Lily: Are you sure? Rufus: But Serena was able to reach him and he is fine. They will call us as soon as they are with him. Lily: Great! And you tell me that when counted, exactly? Rufus: I was about to do. Well, even if it delights me not, you can wait with me. They will soon be called. Lily: Okay. Do not think I'll accept the glass of rotgut you gonna offer me. But I could eat something. Thank you for the offer. (Rufus pouting) What? Do not tell me you know cooking? [In the hall of Visconti] Dan: You see Jenny and your brother? Serena: No! Amanda: Is that you? It's you Claire? Serena: What? No! Dan: Are you sure that is the right place? Serena: Yes! Dan: Come! Amanda: Hey, tell me, where do-is it? The guy's Visconti: My smart! This-that what art ... But who are you talking about? You see it is between friends there! Hey, you the girl in red! Where is my phone? Dan: Hey! Calm down! The guy's Visconti: Where it comes out? Blair: It's alright, your phone is on our table. You would have noticed at least if you were busy at the mouth to get drunk chicks matter. Amanda: I'll pulverize you! Blair: Oh! You must surely be Amanda, right? Well in your place I think twice before marrying this little sh1t! (By growing by Amanda) Serena: Hey, hey, hey, you touch it, okay? Blair: I do not need you to défendes! Serena: Pfou! Jenny: Anyway it's not even that you've called it, that's me. Dan, Jenny? Amanda: So what language was it? Dan: The language! -But what are you doing here? You were not a sleepover? Amanda: Wait, do not tell me what is it that you kissed? Dan: Have you kissed this guy? The guy's Visconti: Nah, I kissed each other! Blair: Oh, it was a challenge. Amanda: A Challenge! How old are you: 10 years? Dan: Just over: 14 years! The guy from Visconti & Amanda: 14 years! The guy's Visconti: Gosh, I have believed. Damn, I swear it looks! It is a sacred tease. Dan: What? Repeat that! Jenny: Dan, you stop interfering, okay? You complicated matters further. Dan: What complicates things is the piece of fabric you have on your back. The guy's Visconti: Yeah, that's what I said. Dan: You, you say nothing and you shut up! (Fighting with the guy from Visconti) Serena: Hey! Jenny: Oh! Vigil Visconti: Come on, everybody out or I'll call the cops! Dan: Okay, okay! Eric (just arriving): Hey, Serena! You see I told you it was traveling. Vigil Visconti: Exit if you please! Serena: Come on, let's go. Gossip Girl: Preview: The big brother fearless driving to the help of the little sister in distress! But can we really help someone who does not want? [In the kitchen of Humphrey] Rufus (preparing a dish with Lily): What? What is wrong? Lily: Oh! Nothing at all! This is what I am looking forward to eating a dish made from scratch. I add just a little bit of salt. Rufus: Why? It's impeccable '! Lily: Do not worry, just a pinch. Rufus: It's stronger than you, you always have all controls. Lily: Well you not complain at the time! Rufus: But I was not allowed. It was part of the settlement. Lily: Yes, finally, I am perhaps a tad psychorigid but life is far from easy. Especially when you have children. When they are small it is the only thing that matters to them, then, growing up they build a kind of barrier. It is found on one side and the other of them. Rufus: Yes, but they still need us. While they admit it. Lily: Yes, maybe Serena. But Eric, I do not understand how it works. Rufus: A boy of 14 who made the wall, it's nothing extraordinary. Lily: Actually it was not at the hotel when it happened. He ran away from the center Ostrov. Rufus: He was in Ostrov? Lily: Yes. Rufus: Drugs or alcohol? Lily: Oh, no. It has nothing to do. It just feels, well ... a little lonely. Rufus: It's a depression? But it is severe? Lily: Enough so that it has attempted suicide. Rufus: I'm sorry ... Hmm. Lily: I do not know why, but I actually do not know what I did or what I missed, but the worst is that I do not know what to do to be sure that it never remake . Rufus: It's best that you are listening to. Lily (phone rings) Oh, let it be children! Rufus (the phone): Hello! ... Yes, great! ... Uh, yeah, uh, I'll tell his mother. She is with me ... It's a long story ... Yes, at any time! (Hangs up) Eric is with Dan and Serena, and everything seems to go. Lily: I'd better go find them. Rufus (showing their meals): J't'emballe that? Lily: Nah, actually it's silly are you cool if I prevail. So I go, I will stay here, quick snack. Rufus: It's true that it would have been a shame to ruin the dinner. [Before the Visconti] Serena: What is that you took? Blair: He could, he wanted to go out and have fun. Serena: And you dragged into the box! Blair: So what! I do not see what is wrong! I thought it would make you happy. Serena: Well no, not at all. And I can not believe that you have dared to do that! Eric: Wait, I have not been kidnapped you know. I followed my own free will. B. did it for my own good. Blair: You see! Serena: Maybe, but it was not a service to you. You'll get yelled at. Eric: Yes, I know. And whatever happens, it was worth it! It was worth it to go out and talk to someone who is neither you nor mother, even if it is B. Without offending you. Blair: I'm far from it. Serena: I hate that it has come there. I'll take care of mom, okay? Eric: Thank you! Serena: Now she knows that you're safe, we'll, we'll go without stress. You want us to work? Blair: Ugh, call me! Serena: Yeah, I call you. Blair: I was talking to Eric. [In an alley next to the Visconti] Dan: What are you playing there? I do not feel that it's you. Jenny: And you call yourself that? Dad? Dan: Well, we talk about that here. Come with me, j'te accompanies. Jenny: Nah, we will not take me home because I will not return. Blair (the caller of the sidewalk across the street): You just Jenny! Jenny: Yeah, one second! Listen, I know it's gone a little spin tonight. Dan: It's the least we can say. Jenny: J'me'm under no illusions about the girls, and then I know who I am. This is not because I go out with Blair that I will change. Blair: Come on! We are going. Jenny: I'm coming! If you-please-let me go! And listen, in half an hour I'm under the covers, I promise. Dan: Okay, okay. Jenny: Thank you! Serena: So? Dan: So? Serena: Well, I must back to the center so that's where our paths diverge. Dan: What? No, no, no, no, I'm coming with you. Serena: No, I assure you, it's not worth it. Dan: I feel like it. Come, let's go. [In front of the store Eleanor Waldorf] Gossip Girl: Something tells me that the action part is going to play truth or extensions! The little does she know that Jenny B. can not stand to lose at his own game? Jenny: You want me to pique jacket is on display? Blair: Have you understood everything! Jenny: But this is the store of your mother. I mean, you got the right to take whatever you want. Blair: In this case too. (Giving him the keys to the store) Unless you have no desire, I understand perfectly. I do not blame you would stick. Jenny: I understand! Blair: So do not do it but stop so close it's ridiculous! Jenny: The jacket? Blair: Yes, just the jacket. (Jenny looking in the shop) Here we go! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... Go quickly size it is! Jenny (the alarm goes off): Han! Hey, where is it-are you? Let me out! [In the kitchen of Humphrey] Lily: Oh! You know I struggle to recognize you in this picture that I took! Rufus:-What are you talking about! It's not you who has taken! You were not at this show. Lily: No, but you kidding? If I remember correctly, the first song was about me, the second spoke of, of your beloved motorcycle, and in third you spoke of, a surf spot. Where it was already? Rufus: Sayurita! Lily: Sayurita! Rufus: A fishing village. Lily: With this beautiful house where we ... Yes, this was it me back. I had to take eight rolls of pictures that night. Rufus: And why did you let down the picture anyway? You loved it so much! Lily: Well we must believe that I'd rather be a high-class whore. Rufus: Ah! Lily: I remember the same black dress I wore that night! Rufus: Oh yeah? Lily: Yeah. Rufus: Uh ... I think I remember it was blue. Lily: Are you sure? Because according to you I was not even at this concert. Rufus (phone rings): Uh, if you can answer-you-please? If this is my son, be nice! Lily (on phone): Hello! Yes, here the Humphrey residence ... Yes, Yes ... Allison is Lily ... Yes, uh, second. Rufus (the phone): Allison? (Person on the phone) Lily: You'll have to explain to him the misunderstanding. Rufus: Do not bother! Given this situation, I have no account to render him. Lily: Well, I have enough abused your hospitality. Rufus: I hope all this will work out. Lily: Yes, me too. Thank you for your babysitter! And thank you for being such a good friend. Rufus: Yeah. J'me am almost amused. Lily: Rufus Good night! [In front of the store Eleanor Waldorf] Policeman: I'll have to ask you for ID Mademoiselle. Jenny: But I have not. I'm only 14. Policeman: And you're out at this hour? Jenny: Uh, I ... Policeman: What is your name? Jenny: Blair Waldorf J'm'appelle. The shop belongs to my mother, her name is Eleanor. I forgot my jacket at any time and she is always pissed when I forget my business. So I came back but I forgot to turn off the alarm. Policeman: Well, give me your number, we will contact her. Jenny: Oh, she is moving. She is in Paris, she returned Thursday. It is 6 hours ahead, if you want to call it. Oh, it will still sting of these attacks! Officer: Look, I can not let you go until you verify what you say. Jenny: You see that I have the keys! And then there was no forced entry. [On the streets of New York City] Dan: I understand better why your brother was the trunk! I've rarely seen a place so depressing. Serena: And say it was designed to treat depression. Dan: It's great your brother, really. Serena: Yeah. Your sister is not bad either. Dan: Really? Yeah, that's true, it's true. I'm still worried about it. Serena: Well, it manages to be concerned about you! Listen, I saw Jenny in action and my impression is that this is not the kind of girl to do things against the sandstone. Dan: Yeah, I know, I know. But I do not think his vision of the evening was perfect to wear makeup like a stolen car to go wiggle in stilettos in a trendy nightclub by being hit on by traders dead drunk who give a damn about her . Serena: This is perhaps not his conception of the perfect evening. Dan: How so? Serena: It's normal that she wanted to be friends with girls who are in his college. Dan: Why? J'm'en sheet. Serena: Well if you had gone a quarter of the efforts it has made, we might be known earlier. Dan: You're not wrong! Serena: And therefore you would have perhaps already embraced. Dan: More restaurant '5 stars. More driver. Serena: More bars with guys who reek of cigarette and music exceeded. Dan: We will eventually get there. [In the room of Eric Ostrov] Eric: Mom! Lily: Hi! Eric: Sorry for tonight. Lily: We'll talk about that tomorrow. After a good night's sleep in your bed if you agree. Eric: I go home? Lily: I hope I would get to be up darling. Eric: I'm not worried. In addition to my bag is ready! [In the living room of the Waldorf] Jenny: Well, grabs! (Dressed in jacket and leaving the keys to the store to Blair) Blair: Jenny! Gosh, you're not pretending to play you! (Patting the bed next to her) J't'ai kept the best place. Sleep well, you deserved it. Jenny: Actually, I'm going home. But thank you for the invitation, j'me have exploded! Blair: How does you go home? Nobody has ever dared to do that! Jenny: Well, we must believe that there is a first time for everything. And I'll keep the jacket, if you do not see any downside. Well, on Monday! Lunch up the steps. Blair: Okay, done deal. Gossip Girl: It seems that Jenny Humphrey created a sensation at the sleepover B. An entry into the world as we had not seen Miss Waldorf in person! [On the streets of New York City] Gossip Girl (Serena and Dan kiss): We can only advise to B. to remain on guard and S. to beware of his heart! It seems that the lonely boy, he was robbed. Notice to all units! Gossip Girl.

Plan: A: Dan; Q: Who makes elaborate plans to impress Serena? A: Jenny; Q: Who is invited to the Blair Waldorf sleepover? A: the infamous Blair Waldorf sleepover; Q: Where does Jenny go? A: Eric; Q: Who is missing from his treatment center? A: help; Q: What does Lily seek from Rufus? Summary: Dan makes elaborate plans to impress Serena on their first official date. The same night, Jenny is invited to the infamous Blair Waldorf sleepover and finds herself in a high-stakes game of "truth or dare". Meanwhile, when Lily discovers that Eric is missing from his treatment center, she finds herself seeking help from her ex-boyfriend, Rufus.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] ERIN: I got up and I sang at an open Mike the other night. HALEY: I was there. ERIN: What do you mean you were there? HALEY: Well, Red Bedroom Records is my label. I think you're great. I would love to meet with you sometime. CLAY: You're gonna be great at this. And Troy must agree with me because he wants you to be his Agent. Congratulations, you signed your first client. ATTORNEY: So, you see, even if you were to liquidate all the company's assets, you'd only be able to pay back your investors 70% of what they lost. BROOKE: What if I liquidate everything? ATTORNEY: Are we talking about your personal fortune? BROOKE: Everything I own. BROOKE: Can I help you? SYLVIA: Is my son here? BROOKE: Oh, please, God, no. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Julian makes documentary about Jamie but he doesn't speak. JULIAN: So, you think I could get a smile? Come on, man. Really? What, you're just gonna go the rest of your life without smiling? Well, what if I told you a joke? Or what if I made this sound? Blah-la-lu bloo-ba-do boo-boo-ba-do. Okay, well, do me a favor. Just smile for one second. And then you can live the rest of your sourpuss life in peace. How about it? I got to say, the braces aren't that bad, bro. I'm serious. I mean, maybe you could use a gold tooth or some bling, but overall, it's a good look. JAMIE: I think it sucks. AIRPORT Clay brings Nathan to the airport. NATHAN: This sucks. CLAY: It doesn't suck. NATHAN: It kind of does. CLAY: It doesn't, and it won't. NATHAN: It did the last time. CLAY: Yeah, well, last time was different, all right? This time all the terms are in place. The contract's a good one. I mean, all you have to do is just fly to Atlanta and convince Troy to sign the contract. NATHAN: There's that part that could suck again. CLAY: Oh, come on, dude. It's me and you, fortitude. Let's hear some spirit. NATHAN: Escalators are an incentive based on performance. CLAY: It's a start. Just get him to sign the contract. ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Brooke signs some papers. ATTORNEY: And sign here. Initial here. And sign here. Thank you, Ms. Davis. As of this moment, your ownership is terminated, and you are no longer affiliated with the Clothes Over Bros brand. May I have my pen? JAMIE'S BEDROOM Jamie looks at his dental apparatus. Haley comes to see him. HALEY: Hey. What? JAMIE: What's with the eye patch? HALEY: Oh. It's pretty cool, huh? JAMIE: No. How come you're wearing that? HALEY: Um, I don't know. It's just something new I'm trying. Hey, what time is your baseball practice today? I thought I would come by and watch and cheer...Loudly. JAMIE: Mom, no, you cannot wear that thing to my practice. HALEY: Oh, yes I can. And as long you pout about your braces, mama's rocking the eye patch all the time, everywhere. Arrrr! RED BEDROOM RECORDS Chase brings the mail to Mia. CHASE: This came for you and Haley. Just in case you wanted to slap me again, I thought I'd help you out. CLUB TRIC Mouth returns from the toilets, he meets Jerry, a former colleague. MOUTH: Jerry? JERRY: Mouth. How you doing, buddy? MOUTH: Well, I have a plunger in my hand, and you're wearing a suit, so let's go with, "not as good as you." JERRY: The station made me program director. You believe that? MOUTH: Definitely not as good as you. I'm really happy for you, Jerry. You deserve it. JERRY: Thanks. Dude, were you really just plunging toilets? MOUTH: Yeah. We really got to stop serving tamales at happy hour. JERRY: Well, you know how guys are, huh? MOUTH: It was the girls' bathroom. JERRY: So, listen... We all miss you down at the station. I'm gonna see what I can do to get you back, okay? I miss you, man. MOUTH: Thanks, Jerry. I really appreciate that. JERRY: I'll let you know, okay? I got to go. MOUTH: Yeah, s-see you later. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Sylvia comes to see Brooke. SYLVIA: Oh, Brooke, honey? I hope you don't mind, but I changed out those hand towels in the kitchen. Oh, and good news, I booked the banquet room at the Oaks for your reception. BROOKE: I can't afford it. SYLVIA: You know, I did have to pull a few strings, but it is so lavish. I wish I'd had my reception there. BROOKE: I said I can't afford it. SYLVIA: Well, you don't have to, dear. I told you, I'm taking care of it. BROOKE: I started my clothing line in high school. Did you know that? I made a website, and I sold clothes online. And ever since then, that is who I've been. That's what I've been Clothes Over Bros... Until today. SYLVIA: Oh, honey, I know you're hurting, but I really don't know what that has to do with the wedding. BROOKE: When I took the line to New York, I had to attract investors. And what I realized very quickly is that when you take their money, you take their input. I don't want to take your input. I'm sorry. I don't like the Oaks. I don't really like any of it. SYLVIA: Well, on your budget, there's always white-bread sandwiches and a box of wine. BROOKE: I just want a small wedding that I can afford... One that feels like mine. SYLVIA: Okay, you can have your small wedding. You know, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You have been curt to me ever since I got here. BROOKE: I have not. SYLVIA: Yes, you have, and I have news for you, missy. Just because you're upset with your mother is no reason for you to take this out on me. BROOKE: Just because your son is in love with me is no reason to take it out on my liquor cabinet. SYLVIA: You're a spoiled little bitch. BROOKE: Fine, drinky. SYLVIA: Good luck with the backyard hootenanny. BROOKE: Good luck with being old. And, by the way, I like my hand towels! (Julian, hidden in the guest room, with very heard conversation) ONE TREE HILL - CREDITS BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian makes documentary about Brooke. JULIAN: Has losing your company been the hardest thing you've ever had to face? BROOKE: Yes. Clothes Over Bros was so many things for me, a creative outlet, a career, my identity. Losing it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Or second hardest. You haven't met my self-pitying, passive-aggressive future mother-in-law. Or maybe you have. Julian talks with his mum. SYLVIA: You should have heard the way she spoke to me. JULIAN: Yeah, well, I'm sure you provoked her. SYLVIA: How can you say that? She's poisoned you. JULIAN: No one's poisoned anyone. Mom, come on. You know how you are. SYLVIA: And how is that? Tell me. JULIAN: You're just persistent. You want things your way. SYLVIA: All I did was buy her these hand towels these perfectly nice hand towels. And did she thank me? No. She lashed out at me with vitriol and malice. JULIAN: Well, I liked our old hand towels. SYLVIA: My only son poisoned. Huh. I need a drink. Can you get me one, please? JULIAN: Mom, you know I love you. And Brooke and I want you to be a part of our wedding. But it's our wedding. It's Brooke's wedding. It's not yours. SYLVIA: Yes, of course it is, honey. But she wasn't even going to serve a sit-down meal. Hors d'oeuvres? Julian, what's next, a cash bar? The chicken dance? JULIAN: People like the chicken dance, mom. SYLVIA: She has poisoned you with her hoo-ha. JULIAN: Okay. We're done here. SYLVIA: Well, are you gonna get my wine? Julian? Honey? RED BEDROOM RECORDS Erin records her song, Haley and Mia look at her. HALEY: She's great, right? MIA: Really great. HALEY: I know. MIA: She reminds me of me. HALEY: I want to work with her, but I think she feels really threatened by it, the idea of recording for a label. MIA: Well, think about it, hales. I mean, when we first met, all I had were my songs. HALEY: But I'm gonna protect her. She has to know that. MIA: Well, I'm sure she hopes that's the case, but she probably just needs to hear you say it and see you mean it. I know I did. HALEY: Yeah. CLOTHES OVER BROS Julian wants to enter the store but he receives a water balloon to his feet. he joins Brooke on the roof. JULIAN: Nice shot. I saw you up here, so I walked as slow as I could. BROOKE: Sorry. When Peyton was having a bad day, she used to come up here and throw water balloons at people to feel better. JULIAN: And? BROOKE: I scared a guy who almost fell. It was kind of fun. JULIAN: I'm sorry about my mom. BROOKE: I shouldn't have yelled at her. I'm just having one of those days, you know? JULIAN: Yeah, I know. But I also know that you're gonna figure out what's next, and it's gonna be amazing. BROOKE: You think so? JULIAN: I do. BROOKE: Thank you. But I still shouldn't be yelling at your mother. JULIAN: Here's the thing about my mom, she makes people crazy. She doesn't mean to. She just does. But can I tell you a secret? I haven't seen her this inspired in a really long time. BROOKE: Great. Now I feel even worse. JULIAN: No, don't. Just understand that my dad wasn't around very much, so all she really had was me, and all I had was her. And now I have you, and I'm sure that scares her a little bit. BROOKE: I should probably talk to her... And apologize. But first, do you think you could call her and ask her to come to the store so that I could hit her with a water balloon? JULIAN: Yeah, I can do that. You want me to go back down and walk around so you can practice? BROOKE: Would you? JULIAN: Absolutely. BROOKE: You really are the best fiance ever. JULIAN: Yes, I am. BROOKE: You want to hit me with that water balloon, don't you? JULIAN: So bad. BROOKE: Don't. Julian. Julian! CLINN'S HOUSE Clay tries to open one limps of preserve but he does not arrive there. CLAY: You got this. No, no. Mm. FOOTBALL STADIUM Nathan and Troy arrive at the stadium. NATHAN: Well, what do you think, Troy? Does this look like a place you could call home for a while? TROY: This looks like a place I could call home forever. NATHAN: I was hoping you'd say that. Come on. NALEY'S HOUSE Julian makes documentary about Haley. JULIAN: So I think it's interesting that you had a career, a marriage, and a son while you were still a teenager. What's your life like now? HALEY: Uh, well, now it's the best of both worlds. I still have a career and a marriage and a son. I still have my music. So... I'm happy, you know? I, uh, I'm really proud of being a good mom. And I'm proud of the work that I've done for Red Bedroom. Life is good. (Jamie arrive) JAMIE: Life is so not good. You're not supposed to laugh. HALEY: I'm sorry. My life is good. My son, on the other hand, is wearing head gear. Come here. Let me see. JAMIE: Damn it. HALEY: Hey! Excuse, maybe you could cut out the "being a good mom" part. CLUB TRIC Chase and Mouth enter in a room. MOUTH: Geez. I feel sorry for the guy who has to clean up this place. Which is me. CHASE: I'll be back. MOUTH: Oh, man. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Haley comes to see Jamie. HALEY: Hey. Can I talk to you? JAMIE: Sure. HALEY: Well, your dad and I thought about it, and we decided you can get your braces off if you want. JAMIE: I can? HALEY: Yes, if that's what you want. Besides...You don't need no braces. I mean, look at me. I never got no braces, and I think I look pretty fetchin'. You want a kiss? JAMIE: No. HALEY: I brushed my tooth for you. Come on. JAMIE: Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it. It's just... Chuck's gonna make fun of me. HALEY: Well, I remember when I got my braces on, I was really worried about going back to school and seeing all my friends. Uncle Lucas was the first person I saw, and you know what he said? JAMIE: What? HALEY: He said "Cool." And everything was okay after that. And I think your braces look cool. And if you decide your braces look cool, then who cares what Chuck says? JAMIE: Okay. HALEY: Yeah. JAMIE: Now you have to promise to never wear that eye patch again. HALEY: Okay, I won't. But I might rock these. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna need these to find you at school with your friends. JAMIE: No. HALEY: See, braces don't seem so bad after all this, huh? JAMIE: Uh, over here, mom. HALEY: What? Huh? Where'd you go? Jamie? Jamie? Jamie? Hmm. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay tries to open soup. CLAY: Okay. Ah, yes! Suck it, soup. Oh. FOOTBALL STADIUM Troy and Nathan see Tony Gonzalez to practice. TROY: Check it out. It's Tony Gonzalez. NATHAN: Guy's been in the league 14 seasons. First-ballot hall of famer, and he's putting in extra work. Take a break. (Tony comes in) TONY: Hey. How you doing, rookie? NATHAN: I think he's talking to you. TROY: I-I'm good. How are you, sir? Uh, Tony. TONY: I'm better than you. And better than you. How's your back? NATHAN: Oh, it's fine. Thanks. TONY: Man, you beat up on the hawks last year. NATHAN: Yeah, I kind of did. Well, hey, we didn't want to interrupt. Just wanted to say hi. TONY: All right. Well, it's nice to meet you. And you... This is a great team. It's an unbelievable organization. And I know you got to handle your business, but I'm telling you, you should be here with us. TROY: Well, I hope to be real soon. It was an honor to meet you. TONY: It's good to meet you guys, too. I'm gonna get back to work. TROY: Dude, that was Tony Gonzalez. NATHAN: That's pretty cool, huh? He's bigger than I thought he would be. TROY: Yeah, and he's only a tight end. You should see the defensive line. NATHAN: I'm so glad I played basketball. Guys are big, dude. TROY: And fast. NATHAN: Yeah. I hope you're faster. Seriously, man, what the hell were you thinking? CLUB TRIC Chase and Mouth talks together. CHASE: I don't know. MOUTH: So, let me get this straight, you have a rock star and a famous actress fighting over you, and you're not sure you want to be with either one? CHASE: It sounds worse when you say it. MOUTH: They do know you're a bartender, right? CHASE: Bar manager. MOUTH: Bar manager cleaning the storage room. CHASE: Bar manager who doesn't have to help you clean the storage room. The thing is, they both kind of screwed me up. MOUTH: So maybe you should move on. CHASE: Or...Maybe I'm lucky enough to get a second chance. CEMETERY Clay will be collected on the tomb of Will Bennett. CLUB TRIC Julian makes documentary about Mouth. JULIAN: Okay. So you were in Omaha. You had career momentum, and then you decide to come home. Why? MOUTH: I had a job here... And a girl. JULIAN: Then what happened? MOUTH: Well, I guess the heroic thing to say is that I took a stand for what I thought was right. But the truth is... I think I took what I had for granted. All of it. I miss Millicent. And I told her that we were just hanging out, but when I saw her leave with that guy on Halloween, I thought, "that guy's leaving with my girl." Chase and Mouth talk about this. CHASE: You should tell her that. She likes you. MOUTH: Yeah. CHASE: What you got there? MOUTH: Really good Tequila. CHASE: Guess what I got. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke joins Julian in his office. JULIAN: Thanks. BROOKE: Look how happy she is. JULIAN: Both of us. At least that day. How's my girl? BROOKE: Feeling a little untethered and disconnected. JULIAN: I'll bet. I'd be worried if you didn't. Come here. So, I've been thinking about this whole "being happy" thing, especially since I've been doing this documentary. And I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. BROOKE: Like how do you mean? JULIAN: Well, we're always thinking that someday we'll be happy. You know, we'll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that'll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it's a condition, not a destination. It's like being tired or hungry. It's not permanent. It comes and goes, and that's okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they'd find happiness a lot more often. BROOKE: So, you think it's okay to be a little miserable every now and then...Even when you have great things in your life? JULIAN: Is it okay to be a little hungry now and then? BROOKE: Happiness is a mood, not a destination. I like that. JULIAN: Well, for whatever it's worth, you make me incredibly happy, Brooke Davis. But we all struggle sometimes, you know? RED BEDROOM RECORDS Mia talks to Erin. MIA: That's nice. You're Erin, right? I'm Mia. ERIN: Hi, Mia. I love your music. MIA: Thanks. I love yours. ERIN: I hope you don't mind. The piano looked a little lonely. MIA: I don't mind at all. Actually, it reminds me of a day a long time ago that Haley found me playing piano. And the rest has been life-changing in a really good way. ERIN: How is she -- Haley? As a person, I mean. MIA: Amazing... And caring... And strong-willed. ERIN: Stubborn. MIA: Like all of us. She really is one of the good ones. ERIN: I want to believe that. But my songs are my life, you know? They're all I've got. To trust somebody with my music is to trust them with everything I have in the world. MIA: Yeah. Haley understands that. We both do. Believe me. But if you decide we're not the right home for you, just know that your songs are good... And you're good, Erin. I remember what it was like to hear that, how important it was. ERIN: It's everything. MIA: Yeah, I know. CIMETERY Clay talks to Will. CLAY: So, rehab sucks. And my right arm is still pretty much useless. Sometimes I just get so frustrated. And then I saw your picture. And I thought that if things were the other way around...I would be so pissed off at you for spending your days being bitter about this. So I'm not gonna do that. And I know that every day I'm alive is a day I have because of you. So I just wanted to say thank you. I'll do my best to earn this. FOOTBALL STADIUM Nathan talks with Troy. NATHAN: You have to earn it. And last year, when my contract was up, it was hard to know what to do. And with negotiations being so public, it was easy to compare myself to what other guys were getting or had gotten. And then one day I found myself getting bitter about it because my signing bonus wasn't high enough or they'd only give me two years instead of three. I mean, we're athletes. You know, we're competitive. We want to be the best and have the most and win. But then I asked myself a real simple question, when you were a kid, what was your dream? What was your dream, Troy? TROY: I wanted to be a power ranger. And I wanted to play football. I wanted to be a quarterback in the NFL. NATHAN: And did that dream have anything to do with escalators or the highest signing bonus in league history? TROY: No. NATHAN: You're here, Troy. And the money is more money than you probably ever dreamed of. But, hey, if you think you're worth more, there's only one place to prove that, and it's down there every Sunday. You can't prove it from up here. You have to earn it. TROY: Do you think it's a good deal, Nate? NATHAN: I do. TROY: Okay. NATHAN: That was a good speech, wasn't it? TROY: It was. The truth is, you ask any kid what their favorite time of year is, and they're gonna say Christmas or summer. For me, it was always the fall, because that meant football was back. This was the first time since I was 7 years old that the leaves changed color, the teams took the field, and I didn't. I want to play football. That was my dream when I was 7 years old, and it still is. I miss it. NATHAN: I know the feeling. NALEY'S HOUSE Julian makes documentary about Nathan. JULIAN: Athletes have a long history of overstaying their professional welcome. Why is it so hard to walk away from the game? NATHAN: I-I can't really speak for anyone else, but for me, I'm only in my 20s. And I have to give up the thing that I love to do and the one thing on earth that I feel like I was born to do. And some guys, they, uh, they miss the lifestyle, you know, the travel and the celebrity. But none of that stuff ever really mattered to me. JULIAN: What did matter? NATHAN: The rhythm of the game, the competition, the self-accomplishment. And I wonder if I'll ever find that adrenaline or that feeling of self-worth in something else. And I wonder who I'll be if I can't. CLOAKROOM OF FOOTBALL STADIUM Nathan talks with Tony. TONY: You miss it, huh? NATHAN: Every day. TONY: Man, but you did it. You took it as far as it can go. NATHAN: Said the man in his 14th season. TONY: Yeah, the man in his 14th season who doesn't want to leave without a championship. NATHAN: I can respect that. TONY: So, I hear the rookie's gonna sign his deal. NATHAN: Yeah, I suppose he's got a little bit of an uphill battle ahead of him. TONY: Nah. He'll be all right. And so will his Agent. Good luck to you, Nate. NATHAN: Thanks. You too. Hey, Tony. I hope you get that ring. TONY: Me too. A guy can't play forever. Take care. CLUB TRIC Chase and Mouth drink vodka. CHASE: Did I mention Alex's smile? Alex has an astounding smile. MOUTH: Advantage, Alex. CHASE: But Mia is so kind. Like, insanely kind. Drink that. MOUTH: Advantage, Mia? CHASE: This is torture. MOUTH: Especially considering how much you have left to do to clean this place up. CHASE: Nice try. Go back to work. MOUTH: Damn it. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke wants to talk with Sylvia. BROOKE: Sylvia, can I talk to you? SYLVIA: Yes. I'm just putting back your old hand towels. BROOKE: I want to apologize for the way that I spoke to you this morning. I am upset about losing my company, and I took it out on you, and I'm sorry. It wasn't fair. SYLVIA: Well, I appreciate that. I assume that you haven't changed your mind about wanting my help with the wedding? BROOKE: I haven't changed my mind about taking your money, no. It is a lovely gesture, but... SYLVIA: But you want what you want. And I understand. BROOKE: I love your son. And I know that the two of you have always been very close, so I know that the great qualities that I see in him and the things that I love about him came from you. You have done an incredible job. SYLVIA: Yeah. Well, I will always be proud of Julian. Just like I'm sure your mother's proud of you. BROOKE: I don't know about that one. SYLVIA: How could she not be? You are a smart, strong, successful, beautiful woman. BROOKE: Thank you. SYLVIA: You simply have poor taste in hand towels, don't you? BROOKE: Yes. You're right. I do. SYLVIA: I'm kidding. BROOKE: That is not fair. SYLVIA: Well, you called me old. BROOKE: I'm sorry. SYLVIA: Get over here. It's all right. It wasn't even the worst part of my day. BROOKE: Why? What happened? SYLVIA: Some jackass hit me with a water balloon. Can you believe that? Oh. BROOKE: What is wrong with people? SYLVIA: I don't know. BROOKE: Awful. SYLVIA: Yeah. NALEY'S HOUSE Erin stops by meet Haley. HALEY: I really appreciate you stopping by. Um, can I get you some wine or coffee or... ERIN: How about a pint? HALEY: Ah, Irish musician. Of course. I should have known. ERIN: Cheers. Your house is so big. It's really nice. HALEY: Thanks. ERIN: I assume you didn't buy it this way? HALEY: Uh...No. That was all me. I was going through some things. ERIN: Wow. Are you sure you're qualified to work at a crisis center? HALEY: I don't know about qualified, but, um, I've definitely been there. My mom passed away recently. And, um...She was pretty much my inspiration. So I kind of lost it. I felt like the world had let me down and God had let me down, and obviously, as you can see, one night, I thought music had let me down. And then eventually one day I wound up on the other end of a phone call with a girl that sounded a lot like me. So, yeah, it's a big house, but we're not that different. ERIN: What turned it around for you? Can you tell me that? HALEY: Just a lot of little things, stillness, the right song at the right time. This is probably not what you want to hear. ERIN: The truth's always worth hearing. HALEY: Yeah, it is. Just so you know, I hear the truth in your music. I do. I hear hope, and I hear a woman whose life can be anything she wants it to be. ERIN: You hear all that? HALEY: I do. ERIN: You're good. FOOTBALL STADIUM Troy comes to talk with Nathan. TROY: You're good. They told me it's done. NATHAN: It is. You're officially in the NFL. How's it feel to be rich? TROY: You tell me. I signed that for you. NATHAN: Ah, thank you. You ruined a perfectly good football, though. TROY: Uh, but, but seriously, thank you for your counsel and your clarity and all of it. NATHAN: You're welcome. Now, you go play the game like you dreamed of when you were a kid and appreciate it. It won't last forever. Go get them. Hey, Jameson. How's it feel to be an Atlanta Falcon? TROY: Like a dream come true. NATHAN: It is. CLINN'S HOUSE Julian makes documentary about Clay. JULIAN: So there's a theme of starting over that's running through all these interviews. But you're really starting over. CLAY: Yeah. And I have to admit that it's been a struggle. JULIAN: So, would you say this is the hardest thing you've ever had to face? CLAY: Without a doubt. You know, but then I think that if I didn't help him, who will? JULIAN: Uh, I'm sorry. Help who? CLAY: Oh. You meant -- you meant the part about me getting shot. I thought that you were talking about Nathan becoming an Agent. 'Cause honestly, that's been about as easy as teaching a monkey how to read. AIRPORT Clay comes to recover Nathan. CLAY: You sexy b*st*rd. NATHAN: Piece of cake. CLAY: Yeah? NATHAN: No. I need a drink. CLAY: Done. I'm proud of you, buddy. NATHAN: I still got a lot to learn. Ahh. Thank you, man. I mean it. CLAY: Yeah. NATHAN: What is this? CLAY: Electric can opener. CLUB TRIC Mouth is calling, Chase comes in. MOUTH(at phone): Oh, okay. Oh, of course. Hey, thanks anyway. CHASE: You all right? MOUTH: Yeah. It was a buddy of mine from the tv station. He was trying to get me back in there. CHASE: And? MOUTH: It's not gonna happen. CHASE: I'm sorry, man. MOUTH: Thanks. Hey, check it out. CHASE: Dude. Strong. MOUTH: I know, right? I'll see you tomorrow. Julian makes documentary about Mouth. MOUTH: Do I wish I was doing better? Yeah. But I'm not alone in that. A lot of people are struggling right now. All I can do is just keep trying, you know? Get up, work hard, pay the bills, hope for something better. I think there's a nobility in that. That woman or man who's waiting for the bus after a long day's work...The parents who come home tired and still find time for their kids that's who I'm rooting for. That's who I respect. Julian makes documentary about Chase. CHASE: Alex is smart and talented and beautiful. And Mia is smart and talented and beautiful. And if I had to choose...Right now, I'd choose... JULIAN: Oh, wait. Sorry. I got to reload. JAMIE'S SCHOOL Jamie joins Madison. MADISON: Hi, Jamie. JAMIE: Hi. MADISON: Did you get braces? JAMIE: Yeah. MADISON: Cool. JAMIE: Come on. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Julian makes documentary about Jamie. JAMIE: Some people look a little different, you know? Some people are a little different. I think that's cool. You still there? RED BEDROOM RECORDS Erin is coming to record. NALEY'S HOUSE Julian makes documentary about Haley. HALEY: Well, I'm a mom. And I have a wonderful son. We have another child on the way, and I would hope that if my child were struggling, someone would help them. Sometimes people just need a little help, you know? Nathan replaces his balloon of basketball dedicated by the soccer ball dedicated by Troy. And Julian makes documentary about him. NATHAN: It's gonna be amazing to see Troy take the field as a Falcon. I-I know I helped him get there. And that feels good. It feels like the beginning of what comes next. FOOTBALL STADIUM Troy enters in the stadium as player. COMMENTATOR: Standing at the height of 6'4", weighing 215 pounds, at Quarterback, number 13...Troy Jameson. JAMIE: Yeah! NATHAN: Troy! CLOTHES OVER BROS Julian makes documentary about Brooke. BROOKE: I worry about what comes next, you know? I do. I just...I just can't believe it's gone. I'm sorry. (She starts too cry, Julian joins her) JULIAN: It's okay. End of the episode.

Plan: A: an agent; Q: What is Nathan's career? A: Atlanta; Q: Where does Nathan visit? A: Haley; Q: Who consoles Jamie about his new braces? A: a head; Q: What does the drama between Brooke and Sylvia come to? A: Chase; Q: Who makes a decision regarding Mia and Alex? A: Phantogram; Q: What band is the episode named after? A: Grace Potter; Q: Who performed the opening theme song? Summary: Nathan's career as an agent takes a big step forward when he visits Atlanta, while Haley consoles Jamie regarding his new braces. The drama between Brooke and Sylvia finally comes to a head, and Chase makes a decision regarding Mia and Alex. This episode is named after a song by Phantogram . Opening theme song performed by Grace Potter .

Teleplay by: Michael Perricone, Greg Elliot, Chris Levinson and Zack Estrin Story by: Javier Grillo-Marxuach [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cairo, Egypt. Three men are at a house. One of them smashes the glass on the door, reaches inside and opens the door.] Wesley: Told you. Piece of cake. Clay: Let's just do this and get out of here. Wesley: Relax, Clay. I told you no one's home, the owner is dead. Palmer: Stay here and keep watch. We'll get the urn. (Wesley and Palmer walk into another room while Clay stands at the doorway.) Clay doesn't know does he? Wesley: Why spook him? He probably believes it was the curse that killed the old man. Palmer: He was stung to death by a scorpion, Wesley. In a bathroom of an aeroplane. Wesley: Don't tell me you believe in that crap. Palmer: You think I'd be here if I did? (He sees the urn.) Is that it? Wesley: That's it. (They walk over to it and Wesley picks it up.) You see any scorpions around? Palmer: No, just dollar signs. Let's go. (A picture on the side of the urn glows and disappears. Clay comes up to them.) Clay: Hey, man, there's a car coming. You guys must've tripped an alarm. Wesley: Let's get outta here. (Two guards come in. Clay, Wesley and Palmer hide behind some plants.) Clay: Should've never let you guys talk me into this. Wesley: Shut up. We'll split up and meet in San Francisco. Give the urn to your friend and hock it right away. Palmer: Don't you think about ripping us off 'cause I'll find you. (Clay leaves. Wesley starts walking away but stops when he sees magic dust floating in the air in front of him. The dust turns into a woman - the protector of the urn.) Wesley: Whoa. What are you? Guardian: I'm the guardian of the urn. Wesley: The what? (She touches her ring and then Wesley's chest.) Hey, what are you doing? (A spider appears and he starts yelling in pain and falls to the floor.) Guardian: You are being punished for your greed. As for your friends... [Scene: San Francisco - 3 days later. Manor. Piper and Phoebe are walking down the stairs.] Piper: New York Clay? That Clay? Phoebe: That's the one. Piper: You said you never wanted to see him again. Phoebe: Ancient history. Piper: Six months? Phoebe: Five. (They reach the bottom of the stairs and Prue's standing there.) He's just stopping by on his way home. It's not a big deal. He was travelling or something. Prue: Who's Clay? Phoebe: Nobody. Piper: Her ex-boyfriend, the musician. She met him when she was working in the rainbow room. You remember? Prue: No, I don't. Nobody told me. They had you at the rainbow room? Piper: Yeah, she was the hostess until she started working at the Chelsapere. Phoebe: Okay, can we talk about this later please? (The doorbell rings.) A lot later. We're just friends that's all. Do I have lipstick on my teeth? (She smiles.) Piper: Yes. (Phoebe rubs her teeth with her finger and heads towards the door.) Prue: That was mean. Piper: That was not mean. Prue: Okay. (Phoebe opens the door.) Clay: Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey. Clay: It's really good to see you. (They hug and Phoebe has a premonition of her and Clay in bed together. The premonition ends and Phoebe smiles. They stop hugging.) You okay? Phoebe: Uh huh. Ooh. Opening Credits [Scene: Quake. Piper and Prue are sitting at the bar.] Prue: What else don't I know? Piper: Prue, don't take this personally but sometimes you can be a bit judgmental. Prue: That is so not true. (Piper gives her a look.) Alright, so maybe it's sometimes true. I just don't understand why Phoebe never even told me about this guy. Piper: People don't like to dwell on things that end badly. Prue: Yeah, well, I wish my relationships ended that badly. Did you hear them last night? There was music, there was wine, there was... Piper: Talking. And how do you know there was wine? Prue: Okay, so I peeked. Well, you know, if nobody tells me anything, I have to get creative. Piper: Stop worrying, she's be fine. (Shelley walks past and she and the bartender look at each other. The bartender drops a tray of glasses he was holding but Piper freezes them before they hit the ground.) She knows what she's doing. Watch that entrance, make sure nobody comes in. (She walks around the bar and picks up the glasses out of mid-air, straightens the tray and places the glasses back on the tray. He unfreezes.) Whoa, Doug, easy. Doug: Thanks, Piper. I hope Shelley didn't see that. Piper: Oh, don't worry about that, you just hang in there. (Piper sits back down.) Prue: What was that? Piper: What? Prue: That. You know, the guy, the glass. Do you do that often? Freeze time in front of, ooh, I don't know, let's say everybody. Piper: Yeah. I'm finally getting some control over the unfreezing. The poor guy he just keeps dropping everything. Prue: Well, then maybe you should just fire him. Piper: Mmm, the owner wants me to. Actually threatened to fire me if I don't but Doug's just going through a hard time right now. Shelley the waitress just dumped him after six years of dating. Prue: So, what, you're playing Cupid of the risk of your own job? Piper: Well, yeah, I mean, Doug loves her. Even bought an engagement ring and everything, he just waited too long too ask. So now he's a wreck. Prue: Still, you can't just keep, you know, freezing in order to protect him. Piper: I know. So are you still going back to Bucklands? Prue: Yeah, that's where I work. Piper: I just figured after everything that happened with Rex and Hannah that you would be hitting the classifieds. Prue: Well, if we don't save the auction house I might have to. Rex... (Doug comes out of the kitchen carrying plates. He trips and Piper freezes him.) bankrupt. Piper: What were you saying? Prue: Never mind, I gotta go. (Prue leaves. Piper walks over to Doug and shakes her head.) [Scene: Park. Clay and Phoebe are walking along.] Clay: I wish you could've been there, Phoebe. You would've lobed Egypt. Pyramids, giant sphinx, Nile River, camel taxi's. It was amazing. Phoebe: You rode a camel? Clay: Hey, they're friendlier then some of the cab drivers I met, believe me. Phoebe: Can't imagine they're faster. (Phoebe and Clay look at each other.) Clay: You were right to leave me. Phoebe: Ooh, and the conversation turns. Clay: No, I'm serious. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I blew it, I know that. Phoebe: Clay... Clay: What? Too much too soon? Phoebe: Yep. (They laugh.) Look, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but why are you here? With me now? Clay: Why, can't a guy visit? Phoebe: Yeah, but you're not just a guy, (she playfully hits him with her purse) you're Clay and Clay comes with strings attached. Clay: I never could hide anything from you. Phoebe: Actually you could. That was one of our problems, remember? Clay: I picked up this urn at an overseas market. Thought it might be worth something. Phoebe: So you want me to get Prue to help you because of the auction house? Clay: Guilty. Phoebe: Phew. For a minute there I thought you were here to win me back. Clay: No, Phoebe. I think too much for you to still believe you're interested. Look, it's no secret. I've been in some trouble, gotten in too deep. I just thought if I could sell this urn, make some money, pay off a little debt, I can make a fresh start. Hey, think about it. Please, Phoebe. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Claire's there looking through files. Prue walks in.] Prue: Hi. Claire: Oh, hi, you must be Prue. Prue: And you must be...? Claire: Claire. Claire Pryce. The bank assigned me to see if the business is worth salvaging. I'm looking for inventory records. The files in my predecessor's office were empty. Prue: Yes, well, Rex and Hannah weren't exactly qualified. Claire: Obviously why Bucklands is in such dire straights. To be honest with you, Prue, I don't know anything about art but what I do know is the bottom line. And if we don't move 1.2 million dollars worth of inventory at the auction tomorrow, I'm shutting the place down. Prue: Excuse me, did you say tomorrow? Claire: Did I stutter? Prue: With all do respect, you don't just decide to throw an auction okay. You need advance notice, a catalogue, buyers. Claire: Then it looks like you've got a lot of work ahead of you doesn't it? (Claire heads towards the door and Phoebe and Clay walk around the corner.) Phoebe: Sorry. (Claire leaves. Phoebe and Clay walk in. Clay is carrying the urn.) Who was that? Prue: A new sheriff. Clay: Hey, Prue. Prue: Hey, Clay, what's up? Phoebe: Uh, favour. Clay was hoping (she takes the urn off Clay) that maybe you would sell this for him. (She puts the urn on the desk.) Clay: Yeah, I picked it up at a market overseas. Prue: Picked it up? Does that mean you bought it? Phoebe: What else could it mean? Prue: Well, it's really beautiful. Gold inlay, twenty-four carats, a lot of lapis. Looks to be from Egypt. Clay: Exactly. That's where I was travelling. Prue: This etching's quite interesting, very unusual. Clay: You think it's worth something? Prue: Oh, well, I would have to determine the urns origins, it's previous owners. Phoebe: Oh, couldn't you just skip a step or two? Prue: Phoebe, I can not risk this auction house's reputation with something like this without checking on it first. Phoebe: Come on, come on, come on. I will, uh, what will I do? I will cook you dinner. Prue: Oh, don't threaten me. Fine, I'll see what I can do. Clay: Hey, thanks, thanks a lot. Phoebe: Is she the best or what? (They hug.) Thank you, thank you. Ooh, I love you. (Phoebe and Clay link arms and leave.) [Cut to outside. Phoebe and Clay leave Bucklands.] Clay: Thanks for doing that, Phoebe. Phoebe: No problem. Prue can get you a great price for it too. She's really good at her job. Clay: Well, it would be nice if she could like me a little bit. Phoebe: She likes you, she's just real protective of me, that's all. Clay: I remember when that was my job. (He puts his arm around her.) Phoebe: Yeah, and then I quit you. (Palmer walks up behind them.) Palmer: Hey, Clay. (Phoebe and Clay turn around.) Clay: Palmer. What are you doing here? Palmer: I'm bumping into you. Aren't you gonna introduce us? Clay: Oh, yeah, sorry. Phoebe, this is Palmer. I met him in Cairo. Phoebe: Hi. Oh, wow, small world, huh?. Palmer: Yeah, yeah. Hey, what's going on with that urn? Phoebe: Wait, you know about the urn too? Clay: Well, actually, that's where we met. The market place where I bought it. Palmer: Yeah, right, the market place. Right, I thought you were gonna sell it. Clay: Well, actually, Phoebe's sister works at that auction house. She's looking for buyers as we speak. Palmer: That's good, that's good. The sooner the better I guess, huh. Phoebe: Hey, are you okay? Palmer: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, thank you. It's just, uh, I'm a little tired, just lag, you know. Are you staying at the Ashquaff like I suggested? Clay: Yeah, sure. Palmer: Me too. Uh, maybe we'll hook up later. Clay: Mm hmm. Palmer: (to Phoebe) It's nice to meet you. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, you too. (He leaves.) Eww, creepy guy. Clay: Yeah. You hungry? (They walk off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Airport. Palmer walks up to a customs officer. There's a big wooden box there.] Customs Officer: Can I help you? Palmer: I was a friend of Wesley's. His family wanted me to make sure he got home alright. Customs Officer: Sorry. How'd he die? Palmer: I don't know. Spider bite I think. He's off to JFK, right? (The customs officer checks his papers.) Customs Officer: First flight in the morning. (The customs officer leaves. Palmer touches the box.) Palmer: Sorry, Wes. (Palmer walks away. The guardian of the urn appears.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. She's on the phone.] Prue: What am I supposed to think, Piper? Phoebe's ex pops into town and wants me to sell something for him. You think that's a coincidence? [Cut to Piper. She's at Quake.] Piper: Prue, you wonder why you're outta the loop. You worry too much about Phoebe. [Cut to Prue.] Prue: No, I don't, I just don't wanna see her get hurt, that's all. Look, I just get this really bad feeling about Clay, I can't explain it. [Cut to Piper.] Piper: I can. You don't think he's good enough for her. Just like you didn't think Jeremy was good enough for me. Of course in his case you were right, but that's not the point. [Cut to Prue.] Prue: No, your point is that it's none of my business and you're probably right. Speaking of playing matchmaker, how's Doug? [Cut to Piper.] Piper: The same unfortunately. Except I'm getting a little freeze frazzled, it's draining. [Cut to Prue.] Prue: Don't you think you need to find a better way to deal before you get fired? [Cut to Piper.] Piper: I know. (Piper sees Doug coming.) Oops, I gotta go, I gotta go. (She hangs up. Shelley walks past Doug and he knocks a vase over and drops a tray of cutlery. Piper tries to freeze him.) Sorry, Doug. Too pooped to pop. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe and Clay are there. They are eating Chinese food.] Clay: I'm surprised you moved back here. I remember a few late nights, a few beers, a few not so pleasant conversations about your sisters. Here you are, living together again. Necessity or your choice. Phoebe: I think a little bit of both. Anyway, things have kind of picked up at the Halliwell manor. Clay: Like how? Phoebe: Oh, well, let's just say, uh, San Francisco has been a lot more unusual. More rice? Clay: No thanks. You know, Phoebe, you really haven't said much about what you've been doing. Phoebe: Protecting the innocent from evil. Clay: Come on, be serious. I mean, you barely had a spare minute in New York. Three jobs just to afford your social calendar. Phoebe: Things have changed. I've changed. Clay: I'm trying to change too. One thing that won't change is how I feel about you. (They kiss. They stop kissing and Phoebe lets out a little noise.) I'm sorry, I shouldn't... Phoebe: No, it's-it's not that, believe me. I, uh, it took me a long time to get over you and I just wanna be careful. Clay: I understand. But if I cleaned up my act would you consider moving back? (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: Do not go there now. (Prue walks in.) Prue: Oh, sorry to interrupt. Phoebe: It's okay, it happens. Clay: I should get back anyway. (He stands up and starts cleaning up the Chinese containers.) Phoebe: Clay, stop, I got it, I got it. Clay: (to Prue) So how's it going with the urn? Prue: It's going. Phoebe: I think what he's trying to ask is it going, going, gone? Prue: Well, I put it on the auction block. Clay: Wow, great, that's great, thanks a lot. Prue: Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for the background check to come through and I guess I'll set a reserve price. Clay: Okay, whatever you get for it is fine with me. Prue: As long as it sells, right, and in a hurry? Clay: Well, from what I understand if anyone can do that it's you. (He kisses Phoebe.) So I will call you tomorrow. Then you can show me around the city. Let me see where I left my heart. (Prue pulls a face. Phoebe and Clay kiss again and then head towards the front door.) Hey, I really appreciate it, thanks again. Prue: Anything for Pheebs. Clay: See you later. Phoebe: Okay. (Clay leaves. Prue looks at Phoebe.) What? Prue: I can worry about my little sister, can't I? Phoebe: Don't ever stop. (They hear a small explosion coming from the attic.) [Cut to the attic. Piper's there doing a spell. Smoke has filled the air.] Prue: Are you okay? Piper: Nothing to see here, move along. Phoebe: Welcome to London. Prue: What did you do? Phoebe: More like who did you do it too? Piper: I put a charm on Doug but I doubled the recipe, just give love a shot and give me a break. Phoebe: Go ahead, Prue, yell at her. Piper: It's not for personal gain and it fits into the whole harm none thing we have to live by, besides Prue's the one who told me to do something. Prue: Did not. Piper: Yes you did. I just need Doug to stop dropping things so I can stop freezing things, I'm just exhausted. Prue: You know, maybe he and Shelley aren't meant to be together. Not everybody's supposed to be. Phoebe: Oh, that was, that was real subtle, Prue. Piper: Well, we'll never know unless Doug has the guts to pop the question. All I'm doing is giving it to him. Phoebe: It's just like the cowardly lion from the Wizard Of Oz. Well, it is. [Scene: Bucklands. Auction room.] Auctioneer: Ladies and gentlemen, this exquisite bronze plated carving dates back to well over one hundred and twenty years. Surely it's worth more than $2500. Do I hear $2600? (Prue walks up to Mark.) Prue: Mark, move the Escott Fitzgerald Pen to the next slot alright. Our buyer, Mrs. Gorinson is getting restless, go. (He leaves. Claire walks up to Prue. She's holding a sheet of paper.) Claire: I think you should see this, Prue. Prue: What is it? (She takes the paper off of Claire.) Claire: It's the appraisal of the urn you requested. The good news is it's worth a fortune, the bad news is... Prue: It's stolen. Claire: Apparently. No wonder the auction house is going under. Selling stolen goods. Prue: No, this is highly unusual and very embarrassing. Claire: Yes it is. (She walks away.) Auctioneer: Yes, now 16? $16000? Prue: Oh, no. (Prue uses her power and swaps the number over in front of the urn with another item.) Auctioneer: $15000 going once, going twice, sold for $15000. (Prue walks over and picks up the urn and leaves the room.) Next item up, lot number fifty-one. (The assistant picks up a painting.) This beautiful twenty-four carat gold inlay from Egypt... (He notices the painting.) Oh, obviously there's been some kind of mistake. [Cut to Prue's office. Prue walks in. She notices Palmer there.] Prue: Who are you? Palmer: You must be Prue, Phoebe's sister. Prue: Same question. Who are you? Palmer: Me? I'm a friend of Clay's. Why didn't you sell that urn? You were supposed to sell it. Prue: I think that you better leave. Palmer: No, don't you understand. You have to sell it before the curse... Prue: Curse? What curse? Palmer: The urn. It's cursed. Never mind, forget it, I'll get rid of it myself. (Palmer walks towards the urn and Prue uses her power to move it. She gasps and he stops.) Prue: Oh my God, it is cursed. Palmer: Oh, no. (She moves it again.) Prue: What's going on? Palmer: It's happening. It's too late. I gotta get outta here. (He runs out the room.) [Scene: Phoebe and Piper are walking on the sidewalk.] Phoebe: So do you believe in giving people second chances? Piper: Absolutely. It's probably why I want to help out Doug so much. Phoebe: Okay, well, Clay says he can change and I wanna believe him but... Piper: But you're afraid of getting hurt, that's totally understandable. Phoebe: So I keep my distance and then what? Hope that I'm wrong? Piper: Well, you could be. That premonition of yours was definitely in the future. Phoebe: Yeah, but the problem is I keep thinking about the past. When I moved to New York, I was so angry... alright, I was scared. And then I met Clay and he helped me out a lot and he was really good to me at a time of my life where nobody else was. (Piper gives her a look.) Sorry, you know what I mean. I didn't mean it like that. Piper: Alright, that's fine. So why did you leave him? Phoebe: Well, he kept living beyond his needs. He never thought of the future. Yeah, I know that sounds familiar. Let's just say he took one too many shortcuts. Got involved with some bad people, got in over his head, way over his head and finally I just couldn't take it anymore, I had to leave. Piper: And so now his back hoping to be the man you fell in love with originally. Phoebe: Yeah, so what do I do? What if he's the one? Like you say Doug and Shelley are. Do I just walk away? Piper: No, but... Phoebe: We can't live together forever. What, do we expect to be sixty years old and still be sharing clothes and a cat. Piper: Now that you put it that way, no! I don't want to live with you anymore. (Phoebe and Piper walk in Quake. Doug is at the bar shaking up a cocktail shaker. He does a little spin on the spot. There are women standing at the bar.) Oh, boy. Phoebe: I thought your charm was to boost his confidence, not turn him into Tom Cruise. Piper: Maybe I shouldn't of doubled the recipe. Phoebe: Uh, yeah. (Phoebe and Piper walk up to the bar.) Piper: Doug. (He walks over to them.) What's going on? Doug: Not sure, but whatever it is I feel great. (Shelley walks up to the bar. Doug pushes a drink down to the end of the bar.) Woman: Thanks, Doug. (Shelley walks away.) Piper: Uh, Doug, what about Shelley? Doug: Who cares about Shelley when I've got Thursday, Friday and Saturday all lined up and waiting. (to Phoebe) I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Piper: I don't believe you will. Off limits. (Doug walks away.) Phoebe: Your charm worked. You turned Doug into a... Piper: A monster. Phoebe: Mmm hmm. Oh, I gotta go, I told Clay I'd meet him over at the house. (She kisses Piper on the cheek.) Goodbye. (She leaves.) [Scene: Hotel. Palmer walks in his room. He starts packing the guardian of the urn appears.] Guardian: Leaving? Palmer: How'd you get here? Guardian: I came with your friend. I waited for your fear to consume you. Where's the urn? Palmer: It's at the Buckland auction house. I tried to get it back, I was gonna return it, I swear. I tried to make things right, please. (She makes a scorpion appear and she puts it on him.) I'm sorry. No! No! No! (The scorpion stings him.) Guardian: You are being punished for your greed. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's room. Clay's sitting on the bed and Phoebe's picking out a dress.] Phoebe: So the band goes on at 10:00 but if we get there before 9:00 there's no cover. You interested? Clay: In anything that involves you. (She gives him a look and he smiles. She holds up two dresses.) Phoebe: Okay. (He chooses one but she throws one on the ground. They laugh.) Clay: Deja... Phoebe: Vu. Clay: I miss this. The day to day of us. Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Okay, well, I'm going to change now. Clay: Okay. Oh, you want me to leave? Phoebe: Yes, kind of a loaded question but, uh, yeah, I think that-that would be best. Clay: Phoebe, we did live together. It's not like I hadn't... Phoebe: Yeah, I-I-I know but things have changed. Clay: Come here, come sit down. (She sits down on the bed.) Phoebe: We're very different. Clay: Do we have to be? (He starts kissing her neck.) Phoebe: Uh, well, you know, when you, uh... okay, stop, stop. (He stops.) Okay, go, go. (He continues kissing her neck.) What am I doing? Okay, you know this isn't fair because I love it when you... (He kisses her on the lips and they lay down on the bed.) [Cut to the living room. Piper's got the Book Of Shadows and she's writing something. Prue comes in the front door.] Piper: Ugh, Prue, you scared me. Prue: Where's Phoebe? Piper: Upstairs. (She heads upstairs.) But you might wanna knock. [Cut to upstairs. Prue barges in Phoebe's room.] Prue: Phoebe, we need to talk... (She sees Phoebe and Clay in bed together.) Phoebe: Yes, we do. (Prue pulls a disgusted face and walks back outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe and Clay are standing at the doorway. Prue's standing near by.] Phoebe: You know, you don't have to leave. Clay: Yeah, I think I should. (Piper stands beside Prue. Phoebe and Clay kiss.) Phoebe: I'll call you. (Clay leaves. Phoebe closes the door and turns to Prue.) I hope you like the show. Prue: Phoebe, I am so sorry. I had no idea. Phoebe: What, that it was my room that you barged into? I had more privacy when I lived in New York, a tiny island crawling with eight million people. Prue: And at least one thief. Phoebe: I'm sorry, excuse me? Prue: My new boss handed this to me, thankfully just before the urn could be sold. (She hands Phoebe a piece of paper.) Clay didn't buy it at some outdoor bizarre, Phoebe, he stole it. Phoebe: This can't be right. Piper: It looks right, Pheebs. Prue: Seasons change, people don't. Phoebe: I changed. Remember what you thought of me before I walked back through that door? Prue: That's different. Phoebe: How is that different? Prue: You're my sister. Phoebe: Well, there's gotta be some mistake. Prue: It gets worse. If the background information is accurate, there's a curse attached to the urn. Anyone who steals it ends up dead. A victim of the guardian who protects is and she feeds off their greed. Phoebe: Okay, even if that's true, Clay could've never known about it. Otherwise he wouldn't of brought it here. Piper: Are you sure, Pheebs? You wouldn't be the first Halliwell to misjudge a guy. Phoebe: No, it's not about judging, it's about knowing and I know Clay. Prue: And I know what Clay has done. Okay, he put my job in jeopardy, he lied to me. Phoebe, he lied to you. Phoebe: You don't know that. Look, I am not saying that he's perfect, okay, and even if he is foolish enough to risk his own life, he would never risk mine. (She walks away.) [Scene: Hotel. Police are in Palmer's room. The coroner is looking at the sting on Palmer's neck.] Coroner: If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was a scorpion sting. Andy: Scorpion sting in San Francisco? Coroner: I know, but that's what it looks like. Andy: Any chance he was killed somewhere else and then moved here? Coroner: No. The levitities consist of where he was found. Andy: Well, I'd buy this place had roaches, I'm not so sure about scorpions. Anything else? Coroner: Found someone's business card in his pocket. (He reads the card.) Buckland Auction House? Andy: Ah-ah-ah. Let me guess, Prue Halliwell? Coroner: Yeah, how'd you know? Andy: I'm cursed. Let me know when you get the report back on the sting. (Andy walks out in the hallway. He bumps into Clay.) Excuse me. (He continues walking. Clay looks in the room and sees Palmer getting zipped up in a body bag.) Clay: Palmer? [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. The picture appears back on the urn. Prue and Claire walk in.] Claire: Lot 49 - $2600, lot 50 - $15000, lot 51 - excluded. (She sees the urn.) Shouldn't that be turned into proper authorities? Prue: I'm contacting customs as soon as we're finished here. Look, again, I just wanna assure you that I didn't have anything to do with... Claire: Just handle it. How did we do? Prue: $1.28 million. We did it. Claire: The auction house lives to see another day. Congratulations. (They shake hands.) Good work. Prue: Thanks. (Claire leaves. Andy walks in.) Andy, hi. Here to arrest me again? Andy: Mmm, not this time. (He sees a picture of scorpion on the urn.) A scorpion? Why am I not surprised? Prue: I'm afraid I don't... Andy: A young man died last night of a scorpion sting. Palmer Kellogg, you know him? Prue: I don't believe I do. Andy: Well, he obviously knew you. I found your card on his body. Prue: We did just have an auction, I met a lot of people. Andy: Well, I'll bring a photo by later, see if it jogs anything. Prue: That's fine. Andy: Prue, listen, just because we're not dating anymore, I want you to know I still care about you. So if you're ever in a jam or you ever need anything, just know you can always call me. Prue: I know, thanks. [Scene: Hotel. Clay's room. He's packing. Someone knocks on the door.] Phoebe: Are you in there? Clay: Phoebe? (He opens the door.) Phoebe: You stole the urn didn't you? Clay: Why don't you come inside? Phoebe: No, I am not going anywhere until you answer the question. Clay: Okay, yes. (She walks inside.) Phoebe: Were you planning on saying goodbye before you skipped town? Clay: Palmer's dead, Phoebe. Phoebe: What? Clay: He died from a scorpion sting. I called Wesley to tell him, that's when his parents tell me he's dead too. Spider bite. I don't know how, I don't know why but I know one thing, I'm not gonna stick around. Phoebe: You are such a liar. Clay: Phoebe, I'm not lying. Phoebe: You knew the urn was cursed when you stole it, you knew the legend. Clay: What are you talking about? What legend? Phoebe: Are you telling me that you didn't know whoever steals the urn dies? Clay: Palmer and Wesley. I swear, I know nothing about it. Phoebe: Yeah, right. Clay: Come on, Phoebe, you have to believe me. Phoebe: No, I don't. You're a liar, Clay. You will never change. You will always look for the easy way out. (She leaves.) [Scene: Quake. Piper's sitting at the bar. Doug is putting glasses on the shelf. He sees Shelley and drops a glass.] Doug: Sorry. Uh, I'll go get the broom. Piper: Good idea. (Phoebe comes up to Piper.) Phoebe: I see you reversed the spell. Piper: Yeah, and I've been given until tomorrow to fire him. Phoebe: Maybe Prue was right. Maybe they just don't belong together. Seems like the theme of the day. Piper: Oh, Clay? Phoebe: Uh huh. He totally used me, Piper. He just used me to get to Prue. Piper: I'm sorry. Phoebe: Thanks for not saying 'I told you so'. Why didn't I see it coming? What am I? A sucker for punishment? Piper: No, you see the good in people and that's never wrong. Besides the wrong guys are usually the most interesting. Until you get your hopes up and let your guard down and then reveal their true selves. Phoebe: So true. Piper: Look at Doug. Great guy, kind of boring on the surface, easy to over look but maybe in the long run we're better off with his type. Phoebe: Maybe in the way long run. I think I'm still looking for adventure. Piper: Then you risk paying the price. (They hear a crash.) Doug: I got it. Piper: Maybe it's a price worth paying. Phoebe: I just don't know anymore. Thanks for the ear. [Scene: Manor. The doorbell rings. Phoebe answers it.] Clay: Can I come in? Phoebe: No. Clay: Look, I made a lie about buying the urn but I swear I didn't know it was cursed. Phoebe: Well, that still makes you a thief now doesn't it. Clay: Well, that's why I'm here. I wanna make things right. I wanna turn myself into the police. (Phoebe rolls her eyes.) I mean it, Phoebe, honest. It's the only way I can redeem myself with you. Phoebe: And how do I know this isn't just another one of your scams? Clay: Well, I guess you don't. But I don't wanna take shortcuts anymore. I wanna take the urn with me to the police. There's no way Prue's just gonna give it to me, not with out you. I need your help. It's the last favour I'll ever ask, I promise. Phoebe: I don't think so. Clay: Please. (He touches her arm and Phoebe has a premonition of a snake about to attack Clay.) Phoebe: The curse. Clay: What? Phoebe: Let's go. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Prue's there. Phoebe and Clay walk in.] Prue: Phoebe. What is he doing here? Phoebe: Save it till later. I have seen the future and it's not right. Oh, good, you can give the urn to the police. Prue: Yeah, no, I thought that it might get you into trouble. Phoebe: Yeah, well, you know that little legend we were talking about? Well... (the guardian appears) I think it's true. Clay: What the hell is that? Phoebe: Clay... Prue: Get him outta here. Phoebe: Go! (She pushes him out the door. Prue tries to use her power on the guardian but it doesn't work.) Guardian: I don't wanna harm you. I came for the thief. Prue: Who are you? Guardian: I'm the guardian of the urn. You can not destroy me. (Prue uses her power again and the guardian gets pushed back slightly.) Prue: Uh, Phoebe, run. (They run outside.) Guardian: So now there are more who will die. (She disappears.) [Scene: Manor. Prue, Phoebe and Clay walk through the front door.] Clay: I still don't understand. Phoebe: You stay down here, we'll be right back. (Piper walks in the foyer.) Piper: What's going on? Prue: Tell you in the attic. (Prue and Piper head for the stairs.) Clay: Hey, where you going? Phoebe: Fill her in, I'll meet you guys upstairs. (to Clay) Uh, Piper is really into legends and Prue is really good with her mind, so... Clay: Yeah, but that thing, the guardian. She's not even... Phoebe: Human? Yeah, I know, but she's real and we have to figure out how to stop her before she gets you. Clay: I know what you're thinking, Phoebe. I do not want you getting hurt because of me. Phoebe: You know, I think I actually believe you. (She smiles and runs upstairs.) [Cut to the attic. Prue and Piper are flipping through the Book Of Shadows. Phoebe comes in.] Phoebe: Did you find anything? Piper: Nothing about Egyptian urns or Greek demons. Zip. Prue: Well, let's just hope that she didn't follow us here because our powers are useless against her. Piper: How is that possible? I mean, that's never happened to us before. Prue: Maybe we're not supposed to protect him. Phoebe: What are you saying? Prue: All I'm saying is maybe there's a reason. Like Piper trying to force Doug and Shelley back together again. Maybe there are just some things that we're not supposed to save. Phoebe: No, we're saving Clay, period. There's just gotta be something we're missing. Piper: Maybe this is something. It doesn't talk about the urn but it talks about the seven deadly sins. Greed being one of them. Prue: Wait a minute, the guardian punishes the greedy so maybe if Clay does something selfless it'll even the score. Piper: Good luck. (Prue and Phoebe give her a look.) Sorry. (They go downstairs.) Phoebe: Clay? Clay, where are you? Clay! Piper: I think he left. Phoebe: I don't believe it. Piper: Sorry, Pheebs. Phoebe: No, I mean I really don't believe it. He wouldn't just leave like that. Prue: Well, do you have a better explanation? Phoebe: He was worried about me, he was worried about us. I am telling you... wait, my vision, I think I know where he's gone, we've gotta stop him. [Cut to Bucklands. Prue's office. The guardian appears. Clay walks in.] Guardian: I knew you'd come back. Your greed concerns you. Clay: I'm not here for the urn. Guardian: You must be punished. Clay: I know. When you're done with me, that's it, right? You're not gonna hurt anybody else? Guardian: Not until somebody steals the urn again. Clay: How do you know anybody will? Guardian: Somebody always does. (A snake appears in front of Clay. Prue, Piper and Phoebe run in.) Phoebe: Clay. Clay: Stay back, Phoebe. Phoebe: No! Prue: Phoebe, look out! (The snake goes to bite Phoebe and Clay puts his arm up in front of Phoebe. The snake disappears.) Phoebe: A selfless act. Just like the Book Of Shadows said. (The guardian and the urn disappears.) Piper: Where'd it go? Prue: Who cares as long as it's not here. Clay: Are you okay? Phoebe: Am I okay? Who says people never change. (Phoebe hugs Clay.) [Scene: Quake. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting at the bar.] Piper: Good thing we didn't have to end up using our powers to vanquish her otherwise Clay would've seen her. Prue: They didn't work anyway. Phoebe: Not something I hope ever happens again. (Doug walks along holding a tray of glasses. Shelley walks near him.) Piper: Ooh, ooh, forgot about Doug. (Doug drops the tray and Piper freezes it in mid air.) Prue: This is getting ridiculous. Piper: Oh, tell me about it. That engagement ring's probably stopped burning a hole in his apron. (Prue gets up and walks over to Doug.) Where are you going? What are you doing? Prue: Saving your problem and keeping you employed. (Prue takes a ring box out of Doug's pocket and puts it on the floor. She sits back down and they unfreeze. The tray falls on the floor.) Doug: Sorry. (Shelley notices the ring on the floor.) Shelley: What's that? (She picks it up and opens it. She gasps.) Doug: I was carrying that around for weeks, trying to find the right time to ask you. Shelley: Ask me what? Doug: To, um, marry me. Shelley: But that's why I broke up with you. I gave up on waiting. (They smile and hug.) Piper: This would've happened sooner if I would've keep my little wicca nose out of their business. Phoebe: You can't change people, they have to change themselves. Prue: Speaking of that. Yum. (Clay walks towards them.) Go, baby. Piper: Go, girl. Phoebe: Alright. Piper: You go. You can do it. (They laugh. Phoebe walks up to Clay.) Clay: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. I'm glad you stopped by. Clay: Any chance you're gonna come back with me? Phoebe: No. This is my home now. Clay: I know I lied to you about a lot of things. But one thing I never lied to you about was how much I care about you. Phoebe: I know, Clay. (They kiss.) Clay: I guess I should be going. Phoebe: Yeah. Clay: Um, you know, I hope the next time we cross paths, I'll be the guy you always think you see. Phoebe: Goodbye. (He leaves. Prue and Piper walk up to her.) Prue: Are you okay? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, yeah, he was just stopping by on his way home, no big deal. Piper: Heard that before. (Prue and Piper hug her.)

Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who's ex-boyfriend shows up? A: their hands; Q: What are Phoebe and Prue full of? A: a stolen and cursed Egyptian urn; Q: What is the ex-boyfriend looking to auction off? A: the auction house; Q: What is in danger of closing? A: bankruptcy; Q: What is the auction house trying to avoid? A: her powers; Q: What does Piper use in an attempt to match up a couple employees at Quake? A: her intentions; Q: What may backfire? Summary: Phoebe and Prue have their hands full when an ex-boyfriend of Phoebe's shows up looking for Prue to auction off a stolen and cursed Egyptian urn, all while trying to keep the auction house from closing due to bankruptcy. Meanwhile, Piper decides to use her powers in an attempt to match up a couple employees at Quake, but ultimately her intentions may backfire.

THE STONES OF BLOOD BY: DAVID FISHER Part Three Running time: 24:27 [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: She never told me she was related to the Montcalm family. DOCTOR: She isn't. She is the Montcalm family, and the Trefusis family and the Camara family. And no doubt she's the managing director of the firm that owns the circle now. These three portraits are of the same person. EMILIA: But look at the dates. There's a hundred and fifty years. DOCTOR: So? What's a hundred and fifty years when you've been around for more than four thousand? EMILIA: You mean? DOCTOR: Yes. She's the Cailleach. DOCTOR: Run. Come on. Quick. [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: I never thought we'd get out of there alive. DOCTOR: Come on, we're not clear yet. On you go. DOCTOR: Fascinating, isn't it? EMILIA: Doctor, did I understand you correctly? That thing is made of stone? DOCTOR: Yes, and it's closing on us fast. EMILIA: But it's impossible! DOCTOR: No, it isn't. We're standing still. EMILIA: I meant a silicon based lifeform is unknown, unheard of, impossible. DOCTOR: Maybe it doesn't realise that. EMILIA: Doctor? DOCTOR: What is it, what is it? EMILIA: In the cause of science, I think it our duty to capture that creature. DOCTOR: How? Have you any plans? EMILIA: We could track it to its lair. DOCTOR: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: We're trapped! EMILIA: I know you're under considerable strain, Doctor, but please keep a grip on yourself. DOCTOR: Ole! EMILIA: Is it dead, do you suppose? DOCTOR: How do you kill a stone? Let's go and find it's mistress, shall we? Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: There's no need to wear a mask for our sake, Miss Fay. EMILIA: Vivien, what's going on? He says you're the Cailleach. VIVIEN: I've been so many things, Emilia, for so many years. DOCTOR: Well, it's all over now, Miss Fay. VIVIEN: Oh, not really, Doctor. You see, I've got Romana. DOCTOR: Where is she? VIVIEN: Where you'll never be able to find her. Oh, she's perfectly safe. No need to worry, so long as you leave me in peace. DOCTOR: Ah, well, you see, I can't do that, Miss Fay, because you've got something that I need, you see. VIVIEN: I wouldn't come too close if I were you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, absolute nonsense. DOCTOR: Oh! Static electrical charge. That's a very primitive forcefield. VIVIEN: It's still very effective. Don't worry about Romana, Doctor. I should worry about yourself if I were you. DOCTOR: Why? VIVIEN: Count the stones, Doctor. Beware the Ogri. EMILIA: Extraordinary. What did she mean about the stones? DOCTOR: Three of the stones are missing. EMILIA: Missing? What's happened to them? DOCTOR: One went over the cliff, remember? EMILIA: Oh, you mean that thing was one of the stones? DOCTOR: Yes. She called them the Ogri. Ogri. Of course! The Ogri. How silly of me. EMILIA: Ogri? DOCTOR: Yes, from Ogros, their home planet. That's in Tau Ceti. Repulsive place covered in great swamps full of amino acids, primitive proteins which they feed on by absorption. Hence their need of globulin EMILIA: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Which is the nearest equivalent on Earth, hence the blood sacrificed on the stones. Anyway, you know all about the Ogri on Earth. EMILIA: Huh? You said there were three of these things. DOCTOR: That's right. EMILIA: Here. DOCTOR: Gog, Magog, Ogres. They can't be far away. Anyway, you and I have got work to do. Listen. Do you by any chance have any tritium crystals? EMILIA: Crystals? DOCTOR: Yes, tritium crystals. Tritium crystals. EMILIA: Oh, but Doctor, what about Vivien? What about Romana? DOCTOR: Professor, listen. You go back to the cottage and see if you can find any crystals. I'll go back to my TARDIS and see if I can pick up a few things. EMILIA: Yes, but where have they disappeared to? How are we going to find them? DOCTOR: Professor, I don't know. That's why I need the crystals. [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: These are the only crystals I could find apart from a packet of Epsom salts. DOCTOR: Mmm. Well done, Professor. I knew she must have them somewhere, it's the only way she could power that wand of hers. DOCTOR: Yes. EMILIA: I still don't understand where Romana and Vivien are. DOCTOR: Hyperspace. EMILIA: Hyperspace? K9: Hyperspace is an extension to the special theory of relativity propounded by Einstein. Einstein's theory states DOCTOR: Now, now, K9. K9, don't overstrain your databanks. You're not fully recovered yet. K9: Circuitry regeneration seventy five percent completed. DOCTOR: Yes, well, didn't I give you some calculations to be getting on with? K9: Calculations cannot be completed until you have finished constructing the equipment. DOCTOR: All right, all right. Why don't you stop interrupting me and let me get on with it then? He's a terrible old gasbag. EMILIA: I still don't understand about hyperspace. DOCTOR: Well, who does? K9: I do. DOCTOR: Oh, shut up, K9. It's all to do with interspatial geometry. EMILIA: Oh, I never studied that. DOCTOR: Well, I'm not surprised. They gave up teaching it two thousand years ago, even on Gallifrey. EMILIA: Oh, I beg your pardon? DOCTOR: Here. Look, how can I explain? Listen, Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity said EMILIA: Said that you cannot travel in space faster than the speed of light, because the speed of light is a limiting factor. If you travelled more than a hundred and eighty thousand miles per second, you'd encounter the time distortion effect. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, well, he was nearly right. EMILIA: In fact, you'd arrive at your destination before you'd left your starting point. DOCTOR: Yes. Absurd, isn't it? EMILIA: Oh, I don't know. DOCTOR: I always thought it was fun, myself. I did try to explain the realities to poor old Albert, but he would insist that he knew best. EMILIA: Oh, they're all the same, these physicists. Oh, sorry. DOCTOR: No, that's all right. I mean, apart from space warping, which he couldn't possibly understand, there is a theoretical way of avoiding the time distort. EMILIA: Is there really? DOCTOR: Yes. Just pass me that screwdriver, will you? Yes, you operate in a different dimension, you see, in another kind of space. EMILIA: Otherwise, hyperspace. DOCTOR: Yes. EMILIA: But I still don't know where Romana and Vivien are. DOCTOR: Listen. They're still in the circle, or whatever occupies that space in the other dimension. EMILIA: Oh, I see. DOCTOR: Good. Perhaps you'll explain it to me sometime when you've got a few minutes to spare. EMILIA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes? EMILIA: May I ask you a personal question? DOCTOR: Well, I don't see how I can stop you asking. EMILIA: Are you from outer space? DOCTOR: No. EMILIA: Oh. DOCTOR: I'm more from what you'd call inner time. EMILIA: Ah. DOCTOR: Yes, well, never mind about that now. K9, what do you think of this? Hmm? Well? K9: The theory appears to be ingenious. DOCTOR: Yes, but will it work? K9: Affirmative. It will be effective on a setting of point naught naught three seven on the hyperspace scale. DOCTOR: What, only on that end of the scale? K9: Affirmative, master. DOCTOR: That means it'll burn out the circuits in about ten and a half seconds flat. K9: Correction, master. Circuits will burn out after thirty one point two seven seconds. DOCTOR: Thirty one point two seven. Is that long enough to get me into hyperspace? K9: Insufficient data, master. Answer depends upon where in hyperspace and what is there when you arrive. DOCTOR: Thank you very much, K9. K9: Actual area of transportation beam will be small. It is imperative, therefore, that you mark your point of entry on arrival in order to facilitate finding it again for return. DOCTOR: Good point, K9. Thank you. Come on, Emilia. I need your help. K9, let's go see if this works. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Now, you understand what you've got to do? EMILIA: I think so. Switch on, and then wait until the needle points on the dial to oh oh three seven, then throw that lever. DOCTOR: Right. Now remember, you've only got thirty seconds and then pow! EMILIA: Pow? DOCTOR: Yes. Pow. Pow. Pow is a technical expression, Professor. It means that all the microcircuitry will fuse into one great urgh of molten metal. EMILIA: Yes, but what happens if the Ogri come back while you're wherever you'll be? DOCTOR: Ah, well that's where K9 comes in. You see, he'll generate a forcefield a touch more sophisticated than Miss Fay's, and that should keep them out for a while. EMILIA: For how long? K9: My power packs will be drained in approximately seventeen minutes, thirty one point eight six seconds. DOCTOR: There you are. Now, if they should break through, run as if something very nasty were after you, because something very nasty will be after you. EMILIA: Yeah, but what about you? DOCTOR: Don't worry about me. I'll be doing plenty of that in any case. EMILIA: Yes, but how will you get back? DOCTOR: You just switch on for thirty seconds, say, every half hour. EMILIA: If you think that'll work. DOCTOR: Well, of course it'll work and even if it doesn't work, what does it matter? You know what they say about hyperspace. EMILIA: No. DOCTOR: They say it's a theoretical absurdity, and that's something I've always wanted to be lost in. Ready? Now switch on. EMILIA: Er, oh oh two two, oh oh three three, oh oh three seven DOCTOR: Now! DOCTOR: Switch off! Switch off! EMILIA: Oh, did I do something wrong? K9: There is an error in the circuitry. You are not to blame. DOCTOR: All right, all right, all right. We're not all programmed for perfection, you know. Ah, there's the fault. K9: Danger. Ogri approaching from south-southwest. EMILIA: I can't see. K9: Two Ogri approaching from south-southwest. DOCTOR: Nearly finished. There, that should do it. Let's hope it works this time. K9: Ogri fifty metres and closing. DOCTOR: Now remember, do exactly as you did last time. EMILIA: Ready? DOCTOR: Yes. K9: Ogri forty metres and closing. EMILIA: Oh oh three seven. Holding. K9: Ogri twenty eight metres and closing. DOCTOR: Now! EMILIA: K9! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Romana? Romana? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: All change at Venus for the Brighton line. ROMANA: Very funny. Where have you been? What's happening? Where am I? DOCTOR: Well, in strict order of asking, busy, nothing, hyperspace. Your friend doesn't look too well. What happened to you? ROMANA: Well, I don't know, exactly. All I remember is Vivien Fay coming up behind me then waking up here. ROMANA: What do you mean, hyperspace? It can't be. DOCTOR: Why not? ROMANA: Well, hyperspace is a theoretical absurdity. Everybody knows that. DOCTOR: Yes, except, apparently, the people who built this ship four thousand years ago. It's a hyperspace vessel. ROMANA: That's ridiculous. DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Even granting the hyperspace hypothesis, Doctor, what about deceleration? How do you decelerate an infinite mass? Anyway, where is this ship? Why can't it be seen from Earth? DOCTOR: There's your answer. ROMANA: That's only few feet from the circle. Why can't it be seen? DOCTOR: Because it exists in a different kind of space from the circle. ROMANA: In hyperspace, not in ordinary four dimensional space. DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: Well, why has it stopped here? DOCTOR: Maybe it ran out of fuel. ROMANA: Are you sure this thing's been here for four thousand years? DOCTOR: Why? ROMANA: Well, look at the cabin and the controls. They're like new. DOCTOR: Perhaps someone's been spring cleaning. ROMANA: Vivien Fay? DOCTOR: Yeah. Romana. Romana, there's plenty of fuel. The drive unit's still working. ROMANA: Well, maybe it ran aground. DOCTOR: On what? ROMANA: Who knows what's in hyperspace. DOCTOR: Yes. We'd better search the ship. The third segment must be here somewhere, to say nothing of our friend Miss Fay. ROMANA: Well, where do we start? It looks rather big, don't you think? [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Power depleted. Cannot hold much longer. EMILIA: Where's that Dunkirk spirit? Never say die. K9: I never do say die, but I cannot hold. EMILIA: Nothing. There's no one there. EMILIA: K9? Are you all right, K9? Oh, what's happening? Look at the Ogri. They're going. They're giving up. K9: Assumption incorrect. They are going. That is not to say they are giving up. EMILIA: Oh, I thought you were. Are you all right, K9? K9: Power exhausted. EMILIA: Can you recharge yourself? K9: Affirmative, given time. EMILIA: Do you think they'll come back? K9: Affirmative. Suspect they have gone away to recharge. EMILIA: Recharge? But how? K9: With globulin. EMILIA: Oh, that means finding more blood. K9: Affirmative. EMILIA: It means they're going to kill somebody. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: Hey, Pat. Pat! PAT: What's up? MAN: Come and have a look at this. You won't believe it. PAT: What is it? Where did they come from? MAN: Don't know. They weren't here last night. PAT: Perhaps it's a joke. Perhaps someone from the Wheatsheaf dumped them here during the night. MAN: How? They must weigh tons. PAT: I suppose they are real rock, not just fakes. MAN: What's the matter? PAT: My hand! My hand! I [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Do you think there could be anything alive in any of these? DOCTOR: What, after four thousand years? I shouldn't think so. Mind you, I'll tell you something. If there is anything still alive, it'll be furious at all the delay. Oh! ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: You know, I think this must have been a convict ship. ROMANA: Look, the seal on that door's a different colour from the rest. DOCTOR: First class in hyperspace? ROMANA: What does it say? DOCTOR: I don't know. I can't read the script. Probably just says, do not open, penalty fifty pounds. ROMANA: Anything there? DOCTOR: Can't see. ROMANA: Well, what shall we do? DOCTOR: Open it. ROMANA: Right. ROMANA: What's that? DOCTOR: I don't know. MEGARA: It is not permitted to touch the Megara. DOCTOR: I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon. What's the Megara? ROMANA: I don't know. MEGARA: We are the Megara. We are justice machines. ROMANA: Justice machines? MEGARA: We are the law. MEGARA 2: Judge, jury and executioner. MEGARA: Once we have arrived at our verdict MEGARA 2: We execute it MEGARA: Without fear or favour MEGARA 2: Impartially. DOCTOR: Well, it's a great relief to know that the law is in such capable hands. We have to be going now. ROMANA: What's the matter? DOCTOR: Never mind, just keep moving. MEGARA: Stop. Turn around. Do not move. MEGARA 2: Which of you removed the Great Seals? DOCTOR: I did. I feared for your safety. MEGARA: He meant well. MEGARA 2: But the law clearly states that no one may remove the seals without authorisation. The penalty is death. MEGARA: Where is your authorisation? DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I didn't realise I needed authorisation. You see, I'm a stranger here myself. But I promise I'll never break any other seals without authorisation ever. MEGARA: Contrition is to be accounted in the accused favour. MEGARA 2: Ignorance of the law is not. MEGARA: I will undertake his defence. MEGARA 2: I think you should advise your client that there is little likelihood of clemency. MEGARA: I will so advise him. He has gone! MEGARA 2: Further proof of guilt. MEGARA: No matter. None can escape the Megara. [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: I can't see those creatures anywhere. Are you recharged yet? K9: Negative. Recharging incomplete. It is time to switch on the beam again. EMILIA: Oh yes, you're right. Oh well, anyway, we haven't got those creatures breathing down our necks. Here goes. EMILIA: Vivien! K9: Do not touch that machine, Miss Fay, otherwise I will be forced to stun you. VIVIEN: Ha, you haven't enough power left in you to strike a match. See what I mean? EMILIA: Vivien VIVIEN: No, Emilia, don't make me kill you. EMILIA: No, they can't get back if you VIVIEN (OOV.): Ogri, come. I command you. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Doctor, they're still following us. DOCTOR: What do you expect? They're justice machines. Come on. X marks the spot. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: The projector Professor Rumford's using has got a very small spread. If we're not in exactly the right place when she switches on, we'll never get back. Come on, Professor. ROMANA: Nothing. Doctor, behind us. Look! VIVIEN: Too late now, Doctor. I've destroyed your pitiful little machine. There's no way out for you. You're trapped in hyperspace forever. Bwahahahahahahaha!

Plan: A: Hyperspace; Q: Where does the Doctor transfer to? A: Romana; Q: Who does the Doctor save from imprisonment? A: the Megara Justice machines; Q: What does the Doctor run into while searching for Romana? Summary: The Doctor transfers to Hyperspace to save Romana from her imprisonment and has a run in with the Megara Justice machines during his search.

Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Dawn sitting on her bed writing in her diary. DAWN VOICEOVER: No one knows who I am. Not the real me. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer. BUFFY: I know it's always been this way. She's the baby. Shot of Dawn in the shadows. BUFFY: But for some reason lately, it's just really getting to me. RILEY: Well, yeah. You're like her idol, Buffy. Anya grabbing Dawn's shoulder. ANYA: What do you think you're doing? DAWN: Leave me alone. ANYA: I will after you come back inside the house. (Grabs Dawn and starts shoving her back toward the door.) DAWN: Let go of me! (breaks free) ANYA: No, it's not safe out here! Shot of vampire growling. Shot of vampire hitting Anya, who goes flying into Joyce's kitchen and collapses on the floor. XANDER: Anya! Xander and Riley helping Anya up. RILEY: This head wound looks bad. We gotta get her to the hospital. Fade in on Buffy, Riley, Xander, and Anya sitting in Xander's basement. The guys are sitting on the sofa, with the girls sitting on the floor each in front of her respective boyfriend. They're watching TV, except Buffy, who has a book in her lap and is studying it. Xander's holding the TV remote. Anya's right arm is in a sling. XANDER: Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission. ANYA: We think the cat peed on it. On the TV, one Asian guy screams, and a bunch of other Asian guys perform kung-fu on each other. XANDER: I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness. (Gestures at the dryer) RILEY: Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch. Upstairs we hear a door slam. XANDER: (looking up) Ah, I guess the folks are back. We can hear voices yelling at each other. Xander, Anya, and Riley look uncomfortable. Buffy is oblivious. XANDER: No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars. More yelling from upstairs. Then there's a bang (another door slamming?). Plaster dust from the ceiling drifts down onto Anya. XANDER: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right? Riley laughs, then notices Buffy isn't paying attention. RILEY: Hey Buffy, how's that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names? BUFFY: (not listening) I'm fine. Riley leans forward, reaching his arms over Buffy's shoulders and placing his palms on the book pages. BUFFY: Heyyy. I'm enjoying the studying. RILEY: Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie. BUFFY: I guess it has been a long day with the crusades. I can take a little break from the violence for some (looks up at TV) ooh, fighting. Onscreen, the kung-fu guys argue. Their mouths move, and we hear the English that has been badly dubbed in. XANDER: Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import. ANYA: Much more durable than their hot plates. Riley leans forward to rub Buffy's shoulders. RILEY: Just relax. BUFFY: Mm ... mm. That feels good. Xander looks at them, cracks his knuckles, and puts his hands on Anya's shoulders. ANYA: Ow! What are you doing? I have a dislocated shoulder! (Xander stops rubbing. Riley stops rubbing Buffy's shoulders too.) I'm trying to concentrate on the kicking movie. BUFFY: Hey! Rubbing went away. Riley starts rubbing again. RILEY: Oh ... sorry, I got caught up in the action. (gesturing at TV) BUFFY: Yeah, it's pretty good. On screen, the fighting continues. BUFFY: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba- see, now with the flying kick. (scornfully) From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm? RILEY: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know? BUFFY: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and ... invading all willy-nilly. More shouting and banging from upstairs. Xander and Anya shift uncomfortably. Riley coughs. BUFFY: And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a, a movie about witches, right Xander? XANDER: (distracted by the noise from upstairs) What? Oh yeah, she's all like, "What's that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?" Cut to a dark lair filled with steam or smoke. Cheesy dramatic music. A demon is tending to a huge cauldron full of bubbling yellow liquid. Steam rises from it. The demon pulls the hood of his cloak back, so we can see he has brownish skin with cracks through which yellowish light(?) shows. His eyes are sunken and red, and his voice is very deep. TOTH: The last step in thy forging is my pain ... the price with which I purchase ... the death of the slayer. He has some kind of rod or stick in his hand. He plunges it into the cauldron, along with his hand. He screams in pain. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Michael Bailey Smith, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Jane Espenson, directed by James A. Contner. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on a nice modern apartment building surrounded by bushes and grass. We see a "For Rent" sign outside. Cut to interior hallway. WILLOW: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. We see Willow, Anya, Xander, Buffy, and Riley walking down the hall. Xander wears a yellow T-shirt with a brightly flowered Hawaiian shirt over it. Anya still has her arm in the sling. WILLOW: We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's." BUFFY: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that. RILEY: Really? I will. XANDER: Hey, we're just lookin'. Rent's way high, so don't get your hopes all carbonated. ANYA: But you have references. XANDER: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. (Does important voice) 'Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.' Anya opens a door and they walk into the apartment. It's large and spacious. WILLOW: Whoa! Big! BUFFY: It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very, uh, above-terranean. Xander looks less than thrilled. ANYA: I want it. Pay anything. WOMAN: (OS) Xander Harris? The real-estate manager woman enters, smiling at Riley. RILEY: Uh, no, Riley Finn. (shakes her hand) This is Xander. Xander wipes his hand on his shirt before holding it out. XANDER: Hey. He and the manager shake hands. MANAGER: Ah. XANDER: I brought my friends. MANAGER: I see. XANDER: They wouldn't always be around. WILLOW: But we're clean and-and quiet. Xander looks nervous. The Manager looks uncertain. ANYA: (Standing in the living room, gesturing around) We can have the scooby meetings in the living room, and-and Giles can explain the boring things over there. WILLOW: (going into kitchen) Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn. MANAGER: Phone and electricity are hooked up. There's a private balcony, ceiling fan, closet space... (sees Xander opening a door) And that's the bedroom. Xander opens the door and finds Buffy and Riley sitting on the bed, smooching. XANDER: Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom? Buffy and Riley look around pointedly. XANDER: Okay, good point. He walks away. In the background we see Buffy and Riley getting up. MANAGER: I brought an application for you to fill out. (giving Xander a piece of paper) XANDER: An application? I can't just ... tell you my references? Because there's Albert. MANAGER: We run your credit check based on the application. XANDER: Oh! Credit check. (nervously, to the others) Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are. (Laughs nervously. The others laugh politely.) MANAGER: And we'll be asking for first, last, security, and a small cleaning deposit. The total's at the bottom of the sheet there. Xander looks at the sheet. Riley, Buffy, and Willow lean in to look too. Anya comes over and glances briefly at the sheet. ANYA: (to Manager) He'll take it. (to Xander) Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. (to Manager) He's been living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate. XANDER: (laughs nervously) Anya, can we talk quietly over there? (to Manager) Excuse us. He pulls Anya aside, leaving the other three with the Manager. They smile nervously at her. RILEY: Uh, we, uh ... we like the ceiling fan. WILLOW: Yes. It's very, you know, kind of old south. BUFFY: But without the unpleasant slavery associations. ANYA: (OS) But why can't we have it? Cut over to Xander and Anya across the room. XANDER: (quietly) I told you, my construction job is ending, and I won't have any more money coming in. And by the way, you do have your own place. ANYA: So when I wanna visit you, I have to be in that awful basement? XANDER: Not forever. Just until things come together. ANYA: Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now, things are looking pretty untogether, and you can't expect me just to wait around for- (Her voice rises and the others try not to notice) XANDER: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you? ANYA: (loudly) What's going on with me is my arm hurts ... and I'm tired ... and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have. She stalks out. Manager looks a little suspicious. The others smile gamely. XANDER: (with a big fake smile) I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship. He takes the application, puts it on a counter and begins filling it out. Manager watches, looking skeptical. Cut to exterior shot of the magic shop. Cut to inside. Giles is surrounded by boxes, looking at one. GILES: (to himself) "Miscellaneous curses." (laughs, picks up something unidentifiable from the box) Brilliant. Be lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrist. He picks up the box, turns, and is confronted by Toth. GILES: Oh! TOTH: (raising his stick) The slayer is not here. Giles grabs something out of the box and holds it up toward Toth. GILES: Rabbit's foot, no, wait... (Tosses it aside and looks in the box for something else. Toth brushes the box out of Giles' hands. Giles gasps and holds up a wooden statue about a foot and a half high.) TOTH: That is a fertility god. (Giles looks at it in dismay) Feeble man, you are not going to distract me- Giles hits him in the head with the statue. He reels backward. Giles hits him with the statue a few more times, then Toth shoves Giles, and he falls into a pile of boxes. TOTH: (pointing the stick at Giles) You are not the slayer. (Giles rolls over and looks up at him) You do not concern me. Toth turns and walks out, his black cape flowing behind him. Giles watches, stunned, then lets his head drop back onto the floor with a groan. Cut to a shot of Giles standing, holding the statue, making hitting motions. GILES: Like this ... and this ... and this... The camera follows him as he moves across the magic shop floor, and we see Riley, Buffy, Willow, and Xander. The girls sit on the floor with books in their laps. The guys are standing around watching Giles demonstrate what happened. RILEY: That thing's pretty heavy. WILLOW: That's Oofdar. Goddess of childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her. BUFFY: How badly did you hurt him? GILES: Well, hurt, uh ... maybe not ... hurt. WILLOW: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled. GILES: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn. BUFFY: (grinning) He ran away, huh? GILES: Um, sort of more ... uh ... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him. BUFFY: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe? GILES: (insulted) Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me. WILLOW: (holding up a book) Some good demons in this one. See if your guy's in here. Giles walks over to take the book. XANDER: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony? RILEY: (hefting the Oofdar statue) Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. (takes a few experimental swings) GILES: (looking up from the book) Toth. RILEY: What? BUFFY: He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron. GILES: No, Toth is the name of the demon. (Sees Xander holding a crystal) Be careful with that. (Xander looks around at the others, puts the crystal down carefully) Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated. BUFFY: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off? GILES: (exasperated) They're referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed. He uses tools, devices. Oh, he's also supposed to be very focused. And since he mentioned the slayer, I think we know what the focus is. RILEY: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him, and how hard can I kill him? GILES: (consulting book) Well, there's no mention of the types of places he might frequent, but ... (closes book and stands up) I have an idea. (Walks around, talking thoughtfully) He had a very specific olfactory presence. XANDER: Well, I guess we're off to the olfactory. I hate that place. (Everyone rolls their eyes at him) I'm joking, I know what it means. He smelled. (uncertainly) Right? WILLOW: Some demon rituals involve anointing with oils. Was it sort of ... sandalwoody? GILES: Um ... not even remotely. But he was very, um... distinctive. Cut to exterior location, night. Giles, Xander, Buffy, Riley, and Willow walk along cautiously. Buffy carries a large axe. BUFFY: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves. RILEY: People say they're recycling. (shakes head) They're not recycling. (Xander pats him on the shoulder) WILLOW: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so ... no. They hear noises and see someone rooting around in the trash. RILEY: What are *you* doing here, Spike? (We see that Riley has a crossbow) Spike straightens up, holding a mannequin arm. SPIKE: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I? (Holds up a small lamp in the other hand) WILLOW: Very pretty. Spike nods and turns to put the arm and the lamp in a shopping cart nearby. GILES: Spike, um ... we're looking for a demon, um... tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice? SPIKE: You mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one? (Pointing behind them) They all turn and see Toth standing there. He points his stick at them. Fire flashes out of it and they all duck just in time. RILEY: Take cover! SPIKE: Big guy! Kick her ass! Toth fires again. Buffy and Xander duck aside, and the bolt shatters Spike's lamp which he's still holding. SPIKE: Oh, very nice! I was on your side! (angrily tosses the pieces of lamp aside) Toth fires again. XANDER: Watch out! Xander thrusts Buffy behind him. The blast hits him full in the chest and he flies backward into a pile of trash. The others rush over. RILEY: Hey, you okay? XANDER: I'm okay. WILLOW: Buffy, he's gone. XANDER: I'm fine. RILEY: Easy, easy. Riley and Giles help Xander up. He groans. RILEY: He disappeared. They look around. No sign of Toth. They start to walk off. RILEY: That had to hurt. XANDER: Yeah, yeah. GILES: Take it slowly. They walk off. The camera pans slowly back across the piles of trash. Among the bags, we see another Xander, lying apparently unconscious. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] NOTE: from this point on the two Xanders are referred to herein as "ScruffyXander" and "SuaveXander." Fade in on the city dump, day. The camera pans across mounds of trash to where ScruffyXander is lying, yawning and beginning to wake up. Eyes closed, he makes a disgusted face. ScruffyXANDER: Anya ... you trying to use the hot plate again? Slowly he opens his eyes, looks around. We can hear flies buzzing. ScruffyXANDER: Uh-oh. He gets up and walks off. Cut to ScruffyXander walking around the corner of his parents' house, looking confused and disheveled. He goes down the outer stairs to his basement door, tries to open it but it's locked. He knocks. ScruffyXANDER: Anya? An? He knocks some more, then kicks the door, hurting his foot, and hops around in pain. He limps up the stairs and goes to the nearest window. It's ground-level. He lies on the ground, wipes dirt off the window, and peers in. Long shot of a person wearing khaki pants but no shirt, combing his hair in front of the mirror inside Xander's room. ScruffyXANDER: (peering in window) Oh my god! Closer shot of the person inside as he turns away from the window. It looks just like Xander. ScruffyXANDER: (OS) What? No way! Who is ... me? We see SuaveXander putting on a blue button-down shirt. His hair is neatly combed and appears to be wet. Cut back to outside. ScruffyXANDER: What am I doing in there? Buffy. Need Buffy. He gets up, trips over his own feet and falls over. Cut to ScruffyXander standing at a pay phone with the receiver tucked under his ear as he digs in his pockets. ScruffyXANDER: (into phone) No, it ate my quarter. Uh-huh. But see, I'm sort of having this aggressively bad day. (pulls quarter out of pocket) Ooh! I found a quarter! I found a quarter! ... Well, ma'am, for me it *is* worth getting excited about. He hangs up, puts the quarter in, and dials. ScruffyXANDER: Come on, Buffy. He turns and sees SuaveXander walking toward him, looking very tidy and confident. ScruffyXander quickly turns away and hides his face with one hand, then watches as SuaveXander walks past him. BUFFY: (on phone) Hello? ScruffyXander dithers for a moment, then hangs up and goes after SuaveXander. Cut to Buffy holding the phone to her ear. BUFFY: They hung up. She hangs up and picks up an axe. We see that she's in her bedroom at Joyce's place. Riley sits on the bed. Buffy moves toward the bed, where she puts the axe in a bag with some other weapons. BUFFY: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to ... zee other axe. (Riley looks tense. She walks over to him.) Relax. Another day, another demon. RILEY: Right. It'll be good. BUFFY: Hey. She leans down to kiss him. The kiss goes on, and then we hear choking, gagging noises. Shot of Dawn in the doorway, pretending to gag. Buffy and Riley stop smooching, look annoyed. DAWN: My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue. BUFFY: (annoyed) Go away, Dawn. (Riley looks amused) DAWN: I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you. We see Joyce coming out of the room across the hall. BUFFY: (moving toward the door) Get *out* of here. DAWN: Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right? BUFFY: She's watching us like a big freak! JOYCE: (sighs, puts hand to her forehead) This must be my "two teenage girls in the house" headache. I thought it felt familiar. BUFFY: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache. DAWN: I did not! (to Joyce) Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's. BUFFY: But part of it is Dawn's. JOYCE: It's so nice you've learned to share. You girls, sort this out yourselves. It's good for you. (Exits. Buffy looks annoyed.) DAWN: (smiling smugly) She didn't say I couldn't stand here. BUFFY: (smiling smugly) Hmm. Buffy shuts the door in Dawn's face. DAWN: (OS) Ow! Cut to Spike in his crypt, arranging a mannequin. As the camera moves out we can see that the mannequin is from the waist up only (no legs). Spike arranges its clothing, then turns away and takes a long blonde wig from his shopping cart and carefully places it on the dummy's head. He smiles slightly. SPIKE: Very posh. He turns away as if to get something else, but suddenly whirls and aims a kick at the mannequin. It falls over and its head comes off, bouncing on the floor. Spike kicks it into the air and catches it. The wig is still on. Spike holds the head up and gazes at it. SPIKE: Oh, slayer. (Rubs his thumb along its cheek) One of these days... Cut to exterior shot of a construction site, day. Various men and machines are working. SuaveXander walks through the scenery, approaches a rack where a bunch of hard-hats are hanging. He picks up the one marked "Harris" and puts it on. He walks off. Cut to SuaveXander wearing the hard hat, gloves, and safety goggles, using some kind of noisy power tool on a piece of wood. A guy walks up behind him. It's his boss. BOSS: Hey Harris! (No reaction. Boss yells louder.) Harris! SuaveXANDER: (turns off tool) Harris, right. Yeah. BOSS: In my trailer, okay? I'm talking to all the guys today. The job's winding down. SuaveXANDER: Right, I'll ... be right there. Boss walks off as SuaveXander puts down the tool. Shot of ScruffyXander hiding behind a Porta-Potty, watching. He's still wearing the yellow t-shirt and flowered shirt over it, now looking extremely dirty. His hair is disheveled. Shot of SuaveXander walking toward boss's trailer. ScruffyXANDER: (muttering) Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free. We see SuaveXander walking across the site, smoothly ducking underneath a big pipe being carried by two other guys. The door of the Porta-Potty opens and smacks ScruffyXander in the face. A hard-hatted guy, exiting the Porta-Potty, looks at ScruffyXander as he puts a hand to his face. GUY: Harris. Where's your hard hat? ScruffyXander makes a face and walks off. Cut to interior of boss's trailer. BOSS: Sit down. SuaveXander does so, putting his hard hat on the desk. Shot of ScruffyXander outside, walking up to the trailer, trying to look through the window but it's too high. Cut back inside. BOSS: How long you work here, Harris? We see that SuaveXander has something shiny in his hand, about the size and shape of a US quarter. He's turning it around in his fingers. SuaveXANDER: Huh? I'm not sure. BOSS: About three months? SuaveXANDER: I guess, yeah. Cut back outside. ScruffyXander is trying to make a table to stand on, by pulling together some random pieces of wood that were lying around. He climbs up on it and peers in the window. We see the boss and SuaveXander from ScruffyXander's perspective. BOSS: (OS) And you haven't done much construction work before this, is that right? ScruffyXANDER: I knew they were gonna notice that. BOSS: I have to tell you, that's surprising ... 'cause your work here has been first-rate. Yeah, we have another job lined up in Carlton when you're finished here. Cut back inside. We see that the shiny thing in SuaveXander's hand is reflecting the light onto the boss's face and chest. BOSS: You ever think about staying on full-time? Cut back outside. ScruffyXANDER: What? Why isn't he firing me? ... Him? Cut back inside. BOSS: I was thinking that I'd have you head up our interior carpentry crew ... (Closeup of the shiny thing in SuaveXander's hand, reflecting the light.) ...see how it goes. It's more responsibility, but the pay is better. SuaveXANDER: (enthusiastically) That would be *great*. Cut to outside. ScruffyXANDER: Promotion? But I ... I mean, he didn't ... Doesn't he see the shiny thing? (Gestures angrily at the window. This causes him to lose his balance and fall off his perch.) Cut back inside. The boss shakes SuaveXander's hand. BOSS: Congratulations, Harris. You and your girl should go out and celebrate. SuaveXANDER: I already have an idea how. Cut to exterior of the apartment building, night. The For Rent sign is gone. Cut to interior of the apartment. SuaveXander is filling out forms while the manager lady watches. He's still wearing the khaki pants and blue shirt, but now with a brown suit jacket over it. MANAGER: I was going to call you, Mr. Harris, let you know your credit checked out fine, but ... I really didn't think you'd be back. Cut to the hallway. ScruffyXander is listening in, crouching on the floor. ScruffyXANDER: "Mister Harris." Yeah, right. MANAGER: I'm sure you'll like the building... Cut back to inside the apartment. MANAGER: (smiling) ...I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement? SuaveXANDER: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and ... go with it. Manager laughs a little more than necessary. MANAGER: Well ... (picking up documents) I hope you'll be happy here, Mr. Harris. We're certainly happy to have you. SuaveXANDER: Thank you. (We see that he's doing the trick with the shiny thing again.) MANAGER: And if you ... need anything ... day, or night ... please. Call me. SuaveXander grins. MANAGER: I, um ... I'm leaving my home number here... Cut to hallway. ScruffyXANDER: She's coming on to him ... me! Cut back to inside apartment. MANAGER: Call me. (hands SuaveXander her card) Even for, you know ... non-business stuff. Maybe we could, uh, do something? Cut to hallway. ScruffyXANDER: Please, lady, that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy. He leaps aside as the door opens. He rushes to hide around the corner. MANAGER: (in doorway) Remember ... any time. She closes the door and walks off. Cut back to inside apartment. SuaveXander is dialing the phone. SuaveXANDER: Anya, you there? ... Look, I know you're still mad, but ... I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway. Cut to Anya's apartment. She's standing there in a bathrobe, still with arm in sling, listening to SuaveXander on the answering machine. ANYA: Am not. Cut back to Xander's apartment. SuaveXANDER: Look, I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment. Cut back to Anya's. SuaveXANDER: (on machine) You know the one. Nine o'clock. (Beep) Anya looks conflicted. Cut back to hallway outside Xander's apartment. The door opens and SuaveXander comes out. He closes the door, locks it with the key. ScruffyXander comes out from around the corner and leaps on SuaveXander's back, yelling. ScruffyXANDER: Yaah! SuaveXander throws him off and ScruffyXander falls down. He gets up and they stare at each other. SuaveXander punches ScruffyXander in the face. He goes down again, clutching his nose. ScruffyXANDER: I won't let you do this! NEIGHBOR WOMAN: (OS) What's going on down there? ScruffyXANDER: You can't do this to me! SuaveXander turns and runs off. ScruffyXander groans and clutches his face. ScruffyXANDER: Oh, man, I need Buffy. Cut to shot of Sunnydale, night, with rain pouring down. Cut to exterior of Giles' apartment (courtyard). ScruffyXander runs across the courtyard, soaking wet. SuaveXANDER: (OS) No, no. He looked *exactly* like me. ScruffyXander goes to the window and sees SuaveXander talking to Riley, Buffy, and Giles. SuaveXANDER: It stole my face. We have to find it, and we have to kill it. ScruffyXander turns away. ScruffyXANDER: She sees it's not me. Please, Buffy ... resist his spell. Do this for me. He turns to look in the window again. BUFFY: (to SuaveXander) Don't worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the slayer now. ScruffyXander stares through the window in alarm. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Exterior shot of a UC Sunnydale dorm building, still night, still raining. Cut to inside Willow's bedroom. She enters, carrying some books. A moment later the door bursts open and ScruffyXander comes in, thoroughly drenched. ScruffyXANDER: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. Willow puts her books on the bed, looking confused. ScruffyXANDER: And I can prove it. WILLOW: Um ... okay. (Sits on the bed) ScruffyXANDER: Let's see. (paces) Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday ... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. (grins nervously. Willow doesn't respond. He paces more.) For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! (points at Willow) Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance. He begins to do the Snoopy dance, wearing a big grin. Willow watches for a moment and then gets up. WILLOW: (smiling) Xander ... stop dancing. ScruffyXANDER: Aha! You called me Xander! WILLOW: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander? ScruffyXANDER: Oh. Huh. WILLOW: What's goin' on? ScruffyXANDER: (sighs) Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning. WILLOW: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel. ScruffyXANDER: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning. WILLOW: Nuh uh! We walked you home last night, remember? (Sits down on bed again) ScruffyXANDER: You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around? WILLOW: Shiny things, what are you talking about? ScruffyXANDER: Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there. Some ... thing has stolen my face, and it's going around pretending to be me, and it's hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea. Cut to Giles' apartment. GILES: What's intriguing me is that there are any number of demons with the ability to mimic a simple form, but, uh ... this sounds like more than that. SuaveXANDER: Hold up. Do we really have to figure out what it is? Let's just go kill it. RILEY: Yeah. When the imposter's killed, the body'll probably turn back into whatever it really is, and then we'll know. BUFFY: Toth! They all look at her. BUFFY: The demon with the creepy stick thing. SuaveXANDER: (thoughtfully) Toth. BUFFY: It's gotta be! He hit Xander with that blast, and somehow it allowed him to take Xander's form. Couldn't that be what the creepy stick thing did? GILES: Yes ... I suppose, yes, yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device. (Moves offscreen toward his bookshelves) SuaveXANDER: It does make sense. It must be Toth. Cut back to Willow's room. Willow and ScruffyXander are sitting side-by-side on the bed. He's wringing out his wet clothing. ScruffyXANDER: (angrily) It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil. WILLOW: Uh huh. Or it's Toth. ScruffyXANDER: (still angrily) Or, it's Toth. Cut back to Giles'. BUFFY: I was gonna look for Toth anyway. Guess now I start ... looking for you. SuaveXANDER: Should I go with you? I ... told Anya to meet me at my new place. I'd feel a whole lot better knowing she's safe from this creep. Buffy nods. BUFFY: Go be with her. I, I mean, if you were out there looking for the double too ... (looks at Riley, then back at SuaveXander) let's just say that I wouldn't wanna run into you and kill the wrong one. SuaveXANDER: Good thinking. When you kill this thing, you better make sure you got the one's who's actually- Cut back to Willow's. ScruffyXANDER: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do. He's now standing and has his Hawaiian shirt in his hands. He gives it a shake to remove the water. Willow is still sitting on the bed, and winces as the water sprays her. WILLOW: Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to ... unhypnotize her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it. (Stands up and goes to her bookcase) ScruffyXANDER: (sourly) Right. Whatever. WILLOW: (turns back to him) Xander, you sound a little ... you have to help me figure this out, you know. ScruffyXANDER: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me. WILLOW: That's not true! Sometimes we all helped save you. (realizes that was unhelpful) And sometimes you're not in trouble. They both sit on the bed again. ScruffyXANDER: I'm just ... another great humiliation. (Willow looks sympathetic) But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him ... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like... WILLOW: Like what? ScruffyXANDER: Like ... he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and ... (shakes head) I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please. WILLOW: Xander, no! (Puts hand on his shoulder) You're just tired, and ... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence. ScruffyXANDER: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!" (Willow still looking sympathetic) No, what have I got that's even worth- (eyes widen) Anya! WILLOW: You think he's after her? ScruffyXANDER: She won't know. He can just ... no. No way! (Jumps up) No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her. WILLOW: (half disgusted, half smiling) Really? ScruffyXANDER: (desperately) He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something ... revealy. I gotta find her. (Turns to leave) WILLOW: Xander... (He turns back) You already knew he was taking over your life, and ... you didn't think about Anya till just now? ScruffyXANDER: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it. (Exits) WILLOW: (pouts) I handled it fine. Cut to Anya's apartment. ScruffyXander bursts in. ScruffyXANDER: Anya? An? He looks around. No one there. He notices the answering machine blinking and pushes the button. SuaveXANDER: (on machine) Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. 9:00. ScruffyXander looks around, runs to a bureau, starts rummaging through the drawers. ScruffyXANDER: It's gotta be here. Where is it? Cut to Xander's apartment. SuaveXander is getting together a bottle of wine and two glasses. Anya stands in the living room, on a blanket that's spread on the floor. A picnic basket is at her feet. ANYA: You're lying. It's a trick. SuaveXANDER: No. Trust me. He walks over with the wine and puts it on the floor next to the basket. ANYA: You really got this apartment? SuaveXANDER: I really did. And do you know why? Anya looks around. ANYA: The ceiling fans? Very attractive. SuaveXANDER: No. It's because I knew you wanted it. It's all for you. She moves closer to him and they kiss. SuaveXANDER: Anya, you didn't see me today, did you? I mean, we didn't talk? ANYA: What do you mean? I just got your phone message, that's all. SuaveXANDER: Good. They kiss some more, kneel and then sit on the blanket. ANYA: So... what happens next? SuaveXANDER: Well, at some point we take off our clothes. ANYA: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car? SuaveXANDER: (confused) A car? ANYA: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere. SuaveXANDER: What are you talking about? ANYA: Just ... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen. SuaveXANDER: There's no hurry. ANYA: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. SuaveXander looks shocked. ANYA: I may have as few as fifty years left. SuaveXANDER: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this. (Touching her arm sling) ANYA: What about the sling? SuaveXANDER: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. (She nods reluctantly) Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means. ANYA: (pouting) No, that's not it. SuaveXANDER: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. (Anya nods) And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying. ANYA: You don't understand what it's like. SuaveXANDER: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together. ANYA: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And ... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm ... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive. SuaveXANDER: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. (Anya looks somewhat comforted) I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older. They smooch. Suddenly the door bursts open and ScruffyXander rushes in. SuaveXander and Anya look up. ScruffyXANDER: Get away from her! ANYA: Xander! Anya and SuaveXander stand up. ANYA: (to SuaveXander) Xander! SuaveXANDER: (to ScruffyXander) Get out. You don't belong here. ScruffyXANDER: Anya. It's me. Anya looks in confusion from one to the other. She starts to walk toward ScruffyXander but SuaveXander stops her. SuaveXANDER: It's a demon. He stole my face, he's trying to trick you. Anya looks from one to the other, very confused. SuaveXANDER: Anya, you know I'm me, right? ScruffyXANDER: No! Anya looks at ScruffyXander again and moves closed to SuaveXander. ANYA: What is it? Make it go away. Cut to Giles'. Riley is looking at a map. We see Giles in the background looking at books. RILEY: So you're thinking we split up? BUFFY: Yeah, you check the places where he might try and go and blend in as Xander. I'll check the places where Toth might hang out. The door bursts open and Willow enters. GILES: I swear, this time I *know* I had that locked. WILLOW: Buffy, Toth looks like Xander. RILEY: We already know. We're on our way. BUFFY: Wait a second, how did you know about this? WILLOW: He came to me. I-I mean Xander did. And he's in terrible shape, we need to help him. Shot of Giles reading a book, not listening to them. RILEY: He came to us too. WILLOW: No. We each had a Xander. I mean ... you didn't have a Xander, you had a, a demon in a Xander suit. BUFFY: What makes you so sure that yours is the right one? WILLOW: He knew stuff! He, he did the Snoopy dance. (Another shot of Giles reading) Buffy, it was Xander, and he needs us. GILES: Oh, dear lord. RILEY: Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little- BUFFY: He seemed kind of forceful and confident. WILLOW: That's not Xander. GILES: I said, "Oh, dear lord." BUFFY: You always say that. GILES: Well, it's always important! (coming forward to join them, carrying book) Neither Xander is a demon. WILLOW: Um ... is one of them a robot? GILES: What? No. Um, uh, the rod device, it's called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the slayer into two different entities. (Hands the book to Willow) BUFFY: Two Buffys? GILES: Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers, and the other one with everything that belongs to the slayer alone ... the, uh, the-the strength, the, uh, speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his (grimaces) weakest. RILEY: But which one's the real one? GILES: They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn't already possess. RILEY: I still don't get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The slayer half would be like slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable. GILES: But the two halves can't exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the slayer half dies. BUFFY: So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both. Cut back to Xander's apartment. ScruffyXANDER: He's the demon! (Anya looks uncertainly at SuaveXander) Or possibly a robot. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Can't you see it's me? Anya looks from one to the other, still completely confused. ANYA: I, I don't know! ScruffyXANDER: (desperately) Please! Look at him! Listen to him! He's all smooth! You have to know it's me! SuaveXANDER: Don't worry, Anya. I'll get rid of this thing. I'm thinkin' this is gonna last about fifteen seconds. (Walks slowly toward ScruffyXander) ScruffyXander reaches inside his clothing and pulls out a gun. He points it at SuaveXander. ScruffyXANDER: I'm thinkin' less. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on the standoff. ScruffyXander points the gun at SuaveXander, with Anya behind. Suddenly Anya rushes forward. ANYA: No! Don't shoot him! She pushes the gun so it points at the ceiling. SuaveXander comes forward and grabs ScruffyXander's hands and they all three grapple for the gun. Cut to exterior shot of a car zooming down the streets. Cut to interior of car with Riley driving and Buffy in the passenger seat. BUFFY: Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass. RILEY: We're pushing 70. Pause. Buffy looks meditative. BUFFY: Riley, do you wish- RILEY: No. BUFFY: No? You don't even know what I was gonna say. RILEY: Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two. BUFFY: Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole slayer gig. Instead of having slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy. RILEY: Hey. I *have* Buffy Buffy. Being the slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that, but... BUFFY: It's just ... I know how ... un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters... RILEY: Buffy... if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talkin' toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There's no part of you I'm not in love with. Buffy looks up at him. He glances at her. She smiles a little, then looks out her window. BUFFY: We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead. (frowns) You know what I mean. Riley nods. Shot of the car zooming along. Cut back to the apartment. The Xanders and Anya are still wrestling over the gun. ScruffyXANDER: Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot! The gun falls to the floor. SuaveXander grabs it. SuaveXANDER: Anya ... get out of the way. Anya is standing in front of ScruffyXander. Buffy and Riley rush in. BUFFY: Xander! Riley closes the door. SuaveXANDER: (smiling) All right, Buffy. I have him. ScruffyXANDER: No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me! ANYA: My gun! He's got my gun! (Pointing to the gun in SuaveXander's hand) RILEY: You own a gun? BUFFY: Xander ... gun-holding Xander. (Walks quickly over to SuaveXander) Give me the gun. Both Xanders stare. Finally SuaveXander holds the gun up and gives it a quick twist with one hand so that the bullets fall out onto the floor. He flips it shut and hands it to Buffy, who looks impressed. ANYA: Buffy, which one's real? Buffy hands the gun to Riley. ScruffyXANDER: I am. SuaveXANDER: No, I am. They try to attack each other but Buffy steps between them. She flings ScruffyXander across the room; he lands against the kitchen counter. SuaveXANDER: Thank you. Buffy grabs him and shoves him over next to ScruffyXander. SuaveXANDER: Ow! Anya, Riley, and Buffy come up to examine the two Xanders side-by-side. RILEY: Wild. BUFFY: Yeah. Okay, Xander ... Xa ... (sighs) You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you *can't* kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad. The Xanders look at each other. SuaveXANDER: No way. ScruffyXANDER: He can't be me. He's all ... fancy. RILEY: We can prove that you're both Xander. BUFFY: Yeah! (to Riley) How? RILEY: Um... BUFFY: Um... RILEY: Well, there has to be a way. BUFFY: Ooh! What number am I thinking of? RILEY: I don't think that's gonna do it. XANDERS: (in unison) Eleven and a half. BUFFY: Wrong. Oh! But see? The Xanders frown. ScruffyXANDER: No. We're not the same. We're all different. RILEY: Different properties went into each of you, but you're both Xander. ANYA: Different properties? ScruffyXANDER: What different properties? BUFFY: Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that. ScruffyXANDER: Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! (pointing to SuaveXander's pocket) A shiny disk that stuns and disorients! SuaveXANDER: (reaching in pocket, taking out the thing) What disk? ScruffyXANDER: Cover your eyes! (covering eyes with hands) SuaveXANDER: This? ScruffyXANDER: It'll melt your brain! Buffy takes the thing from SuaveXander. Anya and Riley lean in to see. BUFFY: (to ScruffyXander) Look. SuaveXANDER: (tolerantly) It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic. ScruffyXander uncovers his eyes to take the thing from Buffy. ScruffyXANDER: No, I ... huh. It *is* kinda cool. (SuaveXander nods tolerantly)Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. (looks more closely) And he may be Jefferson. ANYA: Okay, isn't anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders? BUFFY: I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go. They all turn to leave just as the door is smashed in. ScruffyXander and Anya hide behind SuaveXander, grabbing his shoulders. Toth strides in. BUFFY: Oh great. Rod boy. TOTH: I will not miss again, slayer. ScruffyXANDER: (standing behind SuaveXander, clutching him around the shoulders) The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces! Toth raises his rod. Buffy and Riley dive away in opposite directions. Toth fires at Buffy and misses, tearing a big hole in the floor. SuaveXANDER: Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit! Riley jumps on Toth from behind, making him drop the rod. He throws Riley off. Riley punches him a few times, then Toth head-butts him and flings him aside. Buffy comes up and kicks Toth a few times, punches him a few times, then he picks her up and body-slams her. She kicks up as he approaches, catching him on the chin. She gets up, lands a few more kicks and punches, and Toth goes down. BUFFY: Sword! Riley grabs the sword from the bag of weapons and throws it to her. She catches it and stabs Toth. He screams and dies. Buffy stands up, panting. Anya and ScruffyXander let go of SuaveXander. They all cluster around the corpse. SuaveXANDER: Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone. ScruffyXANDER: (gasps) I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander? SuaveXander gives him a big grin. Anya stares at them. Cut to a shot of the two Xanders side-by-side. Now they're dressed the same, both in yellow T-shirts and identical Hawaiian shirts, but ScruffyXander's shirt is all dirty whereas SuaveXander's is clean, and ScruffyXander's hair is much messier. ScruffyXANDER: Look and admire, ladies. We see that they're in the magic shop. Willow, Buffy and Anya are in a row staring at the Xanders, fascinated. In the background we see Riley watching, and Giles on the floor making markings with chalk. BUFFY: (looking closely) Look, there's a scar there, (pointing at ScruffyXander's forehead) and there's the same one right there. (pointing at SuaveXander's forehead) WILLOW: It's all double. (pointing) This zit, and this ... kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way (pointing to ScruffyXander's nose) ScruffyXANDER: Okay! Back off, ladies. RILEY: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Everyone gives him an odd look. RILEY: Just me, then. ANYA: So ... you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same ... (looking downward) physical attributes? (Laughs suggestively) SuaveXANDER: We're completely identical. ScruffyXANDER: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. (Anya frowns in puzzlement) Fingerprints! ANYA: (turning to the others) Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and ... we can all have s*x together, and ... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning. Giles tries not to look appalled. Buffy and Riley grin. SuaveXANDER: She's joking. ScruffyXANDER: No she's not! She entirely wants to have s*x with us together. Which is ... *wrong*, and, and it would be very confusing. GILES: (getting up from the floor) Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing s*x talk. WILLOW: Check. Candles and pretense. Everyone moves around getting stuff ready, except the Xanders. ANYA: It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander. ScruffyXANDER: Now, hold on a sec. If you weren't putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing, how'd you do it? How'd you get the promotion? SuaveXANDER: Well, I'm good at that stuff. ScruffyXANDER: I am? SuaveXANDER: Yeah. ScruffyXANDER: And hey, how 'bout that lady, huh? The apartment manager. SuaveXANDER: How weird was it when she called me "mister"? The Xanders grin goofily at each other. WILLOW: We're ready. We should do it now. (The Xanders turn their grins toward her) ANYA: What'll we do if this doesn't work? XANDERS: (unison) Kill us both, Spock! (They look at each other and laugh delightedly.) BUFFY: They're ... kinda the same now. GILES: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself. ScruffyXANDER: Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let's do it. WILLOW: Actually, it's not that hard. Your natural state is to be together. Toth's spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it. So you two ... (takes them both and positions them inside the chalk markings) stand right here. Side by side. We don't want you to end up with two fronts, now do we? ScruffyXANDER: Are you sure you know how to do this? WILLOW: (exhales) Here we go. Brace yourselves. The two Xanders close their eyes and prepare. WILLOW: Let the spell be ended. Closeup of a single Xander, still with eyes closed. XANDER: You gotta be kidding. "Let the spell be ended," that's not gonna work. He opens his eyes and sees there's only one of him. XANDER: Oh! Willow smiles proudly. ANYA: I liked it the other way. Put him back. Shot of Buffy raising her eyebrows. Cut to interior of Xander's basement. Xander and Riley are carrying boxes out. Anya is sitting on a stool reading a magazine. Riley and Xander put the boxes by the door, and Xander pauses to look around. RILEY: Getting nostalgic? XANDER: I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories, and ... then you're like, (pointing) that's where Spike slept, and (pointing) there, that's where Anya and I drowned the separvo demon. Oh! (points) and, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. (shakes head) I really hate this place. He and Riley turn to pick up the boxes as Buffy walks by. She goes to pick up another box, passing Anya. BUFFY: Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd. ANYA: (smiling) Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure. BUFFY: That sounds nice. (Walks off carrying box) Xander walks up to Anya, carrying another box. ANYA: Ooh! (tosses magazine aside) Presents? XANDER: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little. ANYA: Me? (pouts) Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of those little horses? XANDER: Anya. Please. ANYA: (getting off stool) Fine. I'm just your slave. (Takes box and goes out) Xander watches her go. Riley watches too, while packing a box. XANDER: How is it that she can always make me feel SuaveXander's left the building? RILEY: You two have your friction, but ... she digs the whole package. It's obvious. XANDER: Still, I do envy you sometimes. (Riley looks up at him) I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. (quickly) Not that I ever was. RILEY: (grinning) Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like ... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just ... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half ... is so still and peaceful ... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. (Smiles a little, continues packing for a moment, then looks up at Xander again.) But she doesn't love me. Xander stares at him, not knowing what to say. Buffy re-enters. BUFFY: Got something else for me to carry? RILEY: Uh, you can help me pack this. BUFFY: Sure. (goes over to Riley and kisses him) Sure. They both turn to the packing as Xander watches. Blackout.

Plan: A: two people; Q: How many people is Xander split into? A: a demon; Q: What splits Xander into two people? A: Anya; Q: Who does the cool Xander get a date with? Summary: Xander is split into two people by a demon, one strong, the other weak. The lame Xander is unhappy that the cool Xander lives his life better than he can, getting an apartment and a date with Anya .

[The episode opens with Ted and Blake exiting a free clinic. Ted looks like he's about to collapse; he appears to be in a state of shock.] Ted: You obsessed about it, you fantasized about it. You finally hear the news... Blake: Take a deep breath. Ted: All you can think about is why me? How could this happen, how could... how can I be... Negative? Blake: Luck? Ted: Such a luck. [He sees a couple over to the side crying over receiving bad news - and Ted's got survivor's guilt written all over his face.] Blake: So what's next? Ted: Job, I guess. I became quite adept at cleaning toilets back at rehab. Polished that porcelain so bright you could see your face - before you puked. Blake: Let me ask you. If you could do anything in the world, what would it be? Ted: Well - you'd laugh. Blake: Try me. Ted: I've always wanted to sing opera. Back in college, I even took some lessons. Instructor said I wasn't half bad. Of course I was paying him. Blake: So sing! Ted: What, are you kidding? That was just a dream. What I need is something practical. Blake: No, what you need is something you love, something that'll make you feel good. [Emmett, Michael and Brian are walking along Liberty Avenue, apparently coming from the gym. Emmett grabs his own imaginary love handles.] Emmett: So I've been going to the gym religiously - Brian: Is that why you were kneeling in the steam room? Emmett: I gotta get back in shape! Michael: You look fine, Em. Emmett: FINE? Just "fine"?! Fine's fine for you two. You each have a husband. [Brian gives him that look.] Emmett: Wife? Partner? Passing acquaintance? Anyway, for those of us adrift on the sea of singledom, it's "Sparkle, Neely sparkle!" [Emmett's journey comes to an abrupt halt when he catches sight of Ted and Blake.] Emmett: sh1t! Ted: Oh, sh1t. [The big showdown is cut with a "high noon" type scene of two gunslingers facing off. They draw. They fire. One of them falls to the ground.] Emmett: I was think about a little speedwalking, to run up a couple of pounds. [He bolts in the opposite direction, leaving Brian and Michael to approach Blake and Ted.] Michael: Ted! Ted: Michael. Brian. You remember Blake. Blake: Nice to see you guys. Michael: So how are you, uh - Ted: Doing? Great! Michael: Great! Well, we should get together sometime. Whaddaya say? Ted: Yeah, sure. Sometime. Gotta go. [Ted doesn't look too thrilled to see his friends. In fact, he's so eager to get away that even Michael notices.] Michael: He was acting kinda strange. Brian: Theodore? Michael: Maybe he feels like we're judging him. Brian: I don't know about you, but I am. [The Pink Posse assembles for a strategy meeting/haircutting session at Daphne's apartment.] Cody: If we're going to have a recognizable force, we need to have a uniform appearance. Justin: Wouldn't our presence on the street be more effective if we were less noticeable? Boy#1: What's the point of doin it, if we don't get some attention. Cody: We need to look the part so they know not to f*ck with us. [Just then Daphne comes in. Justin introduces her.] Justin: Hey Daphne. This is my roommate Daphne. Daphne, this is the group I told you about. The Pink Posse. Daphne: Oh, yeah! For a minute there I thought you were enrolled in beauty school. Justin: Daphne and I started the gay/straight alliance in our high school. Daphne: I was the straight half. Can I join? Cody: It's only for queers. Daphne: I thought keeping the streets safe was everyone's concern. Well, I guess I'll grab a straight soda and head to my straight room and study my straight studies. [After she leaves, Justin speaks up.] Justin: She's my best friend. Why couldn't she be a part of this? Cody: Because this is about queers defending themselves. Queers standing up to their attackers. Queers fighting back. Letting in heteros it goes against the purpose. Now, we patrolling in teams of two. That means Justin and I work together. Girl: OK, who's next? Justin: I am. [It's Justin's turn for a buzz cut.] [And this scene opens with Michael sitting at Mel and Lindz's kitchen table.] Michael: Ted's were my best friends, but now I can't hardly known at all. He was so distant. Mel: Oh, he's been that way with all of us. Lindsay: Here you go, sweety. Michael: Thanks. Lindsay: I meant Gus. Michael: I haven't exactly been there for him, either. Mel: Hey, just stop blame yourself. Lindsay: He's responsible for his own behavior. Michael: But he needs to know that we're there for him. Mel: Well, we're making him cookies, aren't we? [Just then Emmett comes in.] Lindsay: [hisses] "Ix-nay on the Ed-tay!" Emmett: It's a nice surprise to see you there. What brings you this parts? Michael: I was just there to check up on Mel. Lindsay: Actually, Em - we're making them for Ted. [Emmett looks like he swallowed a worm.] Emmett: That's very thoughtful. I'm sure he'll appreciate knowing he has such good friends as you. [He doesn't mean a word of it, of course. Exit Emmett, in a queeny huff. ] [At the loft, Jennifer showing Brian office space on the Internet.] Jen: This one. Has plenty of square footage, offices with excellent views, generous support areas, including a conference room, kitchen, executive washroom and plenty of underground parking. Brian: Sounds like everything I need. But it's not what I want. Jen: But it's as nice as Vanguard. Brian: Kinnetic is not Vanguard. We don't think in a box. We don't live in a box. Therefore, we don't work in a box. Even if that box were the Seagram's building, I don't want it. Justin: Hey. Jen: Christ - ! What'd you do to your hair? Justin: It's called a haircut, Mother. Jen: I'm just surprised, that's all. It used to be - so beautiful. (Sounds like she could cry). Justin: Yeah, well, maybe that was the problem. Anyway, we all got them. (Brian is prowling around, checking out the haircut from all angles.) Jen: Who's "we"? Justin: The Pink Posse. We're protecting Liberty Avenue from homophobes. In case you weren't aware, there was a bashing. Jen: I'm perfectly aware. I'm also aware that you were bashed. Justin: All the more reason. Jen: To put yourself at risk? Haven't you been through enough? Justin: Don't f*cking tell me what to do! Brian: Take it easy, Timberlake. Jen: Brian, will you please talk some sense into him? Brian: Now, now Mother Taylor. Justin's a big boy. He should be allowed to make his own mistakes. [Jen gathers her things.] Justin: We'll be in touch. [She leaves. Brian strokes Justin's head.] Brian: Your haircut's hot. [They kiss.] [We're tortured by a very bad audition of a "Figaro" aria.] Judge#1: That was very nice. Thank you. We'll be in touched. NEXT! [in comes Ted!] Judge#1: You are... Ted Schmidt? Ted: Uh, yes sir, Ted Schmidt. That's me. Judge#1: Tell me something about yourself, Ted. Ted: OK, well, born and raised right here in Pittsburgh. I went to North Allegena High and then I went to Northon... Judge#1: I meant your singing experience. Ted: Oh, well, I had a few voice lessons and did some college amateur productions... Judge#1: I see. Ted: But I LOVE Opera. It's always were my dream... Judge#1: So, what are you sing to us today? Ted: Well, I thoughed I do sing a song from "La Boheme." [Pause. Ted stares to the judge and waits.] Judge#1: Perhaps if you gave Oscar your music, he might play while you sing. Ted: Oh, of course. Sorry. But has to be told to give. [Ted starts singing as the scene ends.] [Cut to Vic and Rodney in bed getting all snuggly.] Rodney: Are you sure she's asleep? Vic: She chop enough wood down there to keep us warm to winter. Rodney: You were mine. [They start make out. But then - Debbie barges in.] Debbie: Hey! I thought we were going to watch By Love Possessed on AMC! Vic: But I though yo were asleep. Debbie: I was just taking a cat nap, so I can stay up. [She makes herself comfortable on the edge of the bed] Debbie: You know, when I was younger and a blonde, everybody said I reminded them of Lana Turner. Vic: That was Shelley Winters. Debbie: It was Lana f*cking Turner! She and I both had that perfect chin. Vic: And the tits. Debbie: I've still got 'em. [Vic manages a weak chuckle. Rodney's not the least bit amused.] Debbie: So anyway, I thought I'd heat up some of those turnovers from the fridge. What'll it be? Apricot or cherry? Vic: Apricot. Debbie: Rodney? Rodney: Cherry. Debbie: I put some extra ices on. [She wants to leave but stops in the doorsteps.] Debbie: Are you coming? Rodney: Well actually Deb, I was... Vic: Just a minute, sis. Debbie: Sure honey, take your time. Say, you weren't gonna f*ck or anything, were ya? [She leaves. Vic's exasperated, Rodney's pissed. Vic strokes Rodney's hair; Rodney pulls away.] Vic: Something tells me the temperature tonight's gonna hit record lows. Rodney: What makes you say that? Vic: Cause I'm already feeling a chill. And it's coming from your side of the bed. Rodney: She never leaves us alone! I thought that when we got together, that we were gonna be a couple, not a threesome. Vic: What can I do, it's her house? Rodney: It's your room! Vic: Well, it's not much better at your place, with your three roommates running around. Rodney: So I guess we can never be alone. Vic: We're alone now. [Vic kisses him, But AGAIN, Deb interrupts by shouting at them to come down because the movie's starting.] [Ted's condo. Somebody knocks on the door. Ted answers the door.] Michael: I come bearing cookies. Actually they're from Mel and Lindz. Chocolate chippers, but Gus and I were the official taste testers. Ted: That's nice. Michael: We we don't open the crack open the tin and eat them all. Ted: As much as I'd like to OD on chocolate... Michael: This time. Ted: I mean, I'm just on my way out to a meeting. Michael: Oh! New job? Ted: Not that kind of meeting. It's my twelfth step. Michael: Oh. Well, how about dinner? You can meet Hunter. Ted: Oh, Mel and Linds told me. Michael: He's a great kid when he's not being a royal pain in the ass, but he's funny. You'll like him. Ted: I'm sure. Michael: So say around seven? Our place? Ted: I've got my group at rehab tonight. Michael: Well, what about tomorrow? Or the next day? Breakfast, lunch, dinner? What are you say? Ted: I'm kinda busy these days, what with my meetings and looking for work and my therapy. Michael: Ted, I just want you to know that I'm your friend. I was your friend before this happened and I'm your friend now. And I'll be here for you if you ever need anything. No matter what. [Back to the loft, and also noting that Brian looks extremely hot in that in brown sleeveless T. Justin is donning his Pink Posse shirt, ready to go out vigilante-ing.] Brian: Is that what the well-dressed vigilante will be wearing this season? Justin: Cody says it's important that we be recognized. Brian: Well, you'll be recognizable all right. So what weapon are you packing? A Howitzer or a Bazooka? Justin: Pepper spray. [Brian is no longer amused.] Brian: Armed and ready for action. This Cody's thought of everything. Justin: I remember when my mother used to refer to you as "this Brian." Brian: Well, your mom's no fool. She knew her little angel was getting himself into a peck of trouble! She's not wrong this time. You should really go back to school. Justin: f*ck school. They kicked me out for doing what was right! I don't need them or their diploma. They can eat sh1t. Brian: Still angry? Justin: I'm not angry, I'm committed. Brian: What, to saving the world? Justin: You saved the world from an evil politician. Brian: I didn't do it for the world. Stockwell closed down the backroom and forced us to f*ck like boring breeders, so don't start mistaking me for Eleanor Roosevelt. I did what I had to do, for me. Justin: And I'm doing what I have to do, for me. [Justin leaves. Brian's not happy, but what can he say?] [At comic store. Michael shelving comic books. Hunter's there, reading a comic instead of doing his math homework.] Michael: You don't read comic books. Hunter: God, I'm in a goddamn comic book store. Michael: You should doing your homework and watch your mouth. Holy sh1t! Hunter: What? What's the matter? Michael: Did you hear me? I sounded just like my mother. [Michael grabs a stack of comics, thrusts them at Hunter] Michael: Here, read as many as you like! [Vic comes in.] Michael: Hey, Uncle Vic. Vic: Hi, Michael. How's goin' Hunter? [no comment from him] As an older gay man in this world he might as well be invisible. Michael: He's doing his homework. Hunter: I don't get f*cking algebra! Vic: Hey, let's see. Make X into 2 and square and you've got your solution. Hunter: Ah, I get it. Awesome. Vic: I was always good at numbers. Especially cute ones. Michael: You can always count on Uncle Vic to solve a problem. Vic: Except my own. Do you think Rage could help me? Hunter: There's somebody you want brought back to life with a blowjob? Vic: Meaning that every time Rodney and I try to - Hunter: f*ck? Vic: Thank you. Your mother - Michael: Say no more. Vic: She won't leave us alone. We'd like it to be the two of us, but instead it's always the three of us. Hunter: Easy solution, dude. Subtract one from three and you've got your problem solved. Michael: Smartass! Vic: Well, oddly enough, that was Rodney's solution, too. But Debbie and I have lived together for so long - hell, we'd be an old married couple if we weren't brother and sister. Besides, it would break her heart if I moved out. After all she's done for me. I probably wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for her. Michael: She helped you get your life so that you could have a life. You're entitled to that. I'm sure she'd be the first to say so. [Vic doesn't look so sure.] [Ted and Blake eat the cookies Michael dropped off.] Ted: Surprising good for a lesbian. Blake: You know you're lucky you have such a good friends. Ted: Yeah. Well, I guess I better figured out how I'm gonna support myself considering I'm on my last crump. Blake: What? Ted: Are you go actually thoughed I got a job from singing? I'll do the audition was a good laugh after I left. As if would anyone hire me... Blake: I remember you're singing in the shower. You sound pretty good. Ted: Everyone sounds good in the shower. It's time to put all those romantic notions behind me, and get real. [The phone to ring... ] Blake: You weren't answer that? Ted: It's perhaps Michael wanting do something. Blake: Remember we talked about avoidance in group? [Blake gives him a really cute, raised eyebrow look and Ted answers the phone.] Ted: Hello? Yes. What? Are you sure... I mean, Yes. That's great. Thank you. Blake: Michael has something do great! Ted: They wants me to sing. Not Michael, I mean... I got the job! Blake: Oh my god, that's... Ted: Unbelievable, insane, a mistake? Blake: [laughs] It's wonderful. [They hug... ] [Brian and Justin, strolling along the streets of Pittsburgh.] Brian: Save any lives last night? Justin: We helped some f*cked up club kids get back to their apartment. Helped an old queen change a flat. Other than that, it was pretty quiet. Brian: Well, that's the thing about being a superhero. The average person thinks it's about stopping two planets from colliding or saving the universe from being swallowed by a black hole, but most of the time it's just your average, run-of-the-mill good deeds. [They stop in front of a place called "Everhard Spa."] Brian: This is where I get off. Justin: Isn't it a little early? [After kissing Justin goodbye Brian enters the Everhard Spa. And look who's here: the intrepid Jennifer. She seems completely unfazed by the surroundings.] Jen: This more what you're looking for? Brian: I've always dreamed of having an office with a drain in the floor. Jen: Thought you might like it. C'mon. I'll show you around. [Brian goes around snapping pics. The place has an eerie desolation and an aura of sadness.] Brian: I miss the old orgy room. Jen: You could make it a conference room. Brian: It's perfect! For screwing the competition. [Ted - in tux, singing from "Paliachi" And as we hear applause for his effort - the lights come up and we discover that Ted is now - a singing waiter! But Ted's secret is out, because Vic and Rodney are at one of the tables...opps. Not that Ted sees them.] Rodney: Is something in you're spaghetti? Vic: Do you know who's the singing waiter is? It's... Mr.Perdutshi: SCHMIDT! Ted: Yes, Mr.Perdutshi? Mr.Perdutshi: Table 3 needs more breed. Ted: Right on the way, Sir. Mr.Perdutshi: Oh, Schmidt, this was a very nice Paliachi. Ted: Thank you, Mr.Perdutshi. I thoughed it was well. Mr.Perdutshi: Excellent choice. [SCENE_BREAK] [Quick cut to the next morning - Liberty Diner] Debbie: Ted? A singing waiter? Michael: He's serving menu and food in Rigoletto's. Ben: I hear the place was a blast. Debbie: Oh honey, it's a goddamn Disneyland. Fake fruits, fake sunsets, fake waiters. No f*cking class at all. Ben: But what were Vic and Rodney there? Debbie: Vic and Rodney? At Rigoletto's? Michael: Mmm, last night. That's how we've heard about Ted. Debbie: We're supposed to watch the Grand Pricks last night. It's the big dick contest. Michael: We've know, mom. Debbie: But Vic said that Rodney doesn't feel very well. [Emmett appears.] Emmett: Hey boys. Michael: Hey, Em. [Debbie wanders away, looking puzzled and miffed. Emmett sits down with Ben and Michael.] Michael: You know we should all go there for dinner? Ben: You sure he'd like that? Michael: Why not? Emmett: Go where? Ben: Rigoletto's. Emmett: The cheesy joint with the singing waiters? Why would we want to go there? Michael: Ted's one of those singing waiters. Emmett: Really. So you figured we'd just all go and root him on? Well, be sure to shout "bravo" for me! [Emmett gets up to leave. Michael follows him outside.] Michael: Em! Would you slow down? What are you getting so upset for? I'm just trying to show Ted a little support! Emmett: Well, I'm getting a little tired of your "little support"! The cookies were one thing. Now you're his cheering section? Michael: He's my friend! Emmett: In case you've forgotten, so am I! Michael: I know that! Emmett: Then you might try considering how I feel. Michael: What does my friendship with him have to do with you? Emmett: How could you even say that to me, after what he put me through? Michael: That's between the two of you! Besides, I can't very well turn my back on him! Emmett: Why not? He turned his back on you! Michael: Well, that doesn't mean I should do the same. It wouldn't be fair. Emmett: Fair? What about being fair to me? Why should I be fair to him or anyone else? [He leaves Michael standing there with that kicked puppydog look on his face.] [Debbies house.] Debbie: Vic, move your ass down here! We're miss the movie. Why you are still in the sweater? You know it still rains. Get up there and change. Vic: Sis, do you mind if we skip the movie? Debbie: What's the matter? Don't you feeling well? Vic: I'm just feel fine. I just thoughed since it was Rodney's night to volunteer at the hospiz you and I can spend the evening at home. Just the two of us. Debbie: Just the two of us? We've hadn't that for a long time. We'll play cards. I'll make us some caramel corn. Vic: Maybe later. Sis. Debbie: Baby, what is it? Vic: You know I love you, more than anyone else in the world. Debbie: Except Rodney. But I understand that! Vic: Then I hope you'll understand that we've talked things over. We've decided to get our own place. It's time, sis. [Deb looks like she's been punched in the gut. You can see her struggling to get her emotions under control.] Debbie: You're damn f*cking right it's time! Hell, I've been waiting for this for God knows how long. Not that I don't love having you here. And not that I'm not crazy about Rodney, but I never have any privacy. I have to close the door every time I wanna go potty and I can't go running down to the refrigerator in my panties. Vic: You do anyway. We've seen you! Debbie: Well, now I can do it with nobody watching! So when you going? Vic: Well, since it's making you so happy, I can go right now! [He makes a move to get up off the couch. Deb tackles him, then tickles him.] Debbie: And honey, don't you dare worry about me. I'll be just fine. [She gives him a kiss. Vic's still puzzled and apprehensive. He doesn't completely buy it but her act is pretty good so he allows himself to be reassured.] [At cheesy Rigoletto's, the gang assembles for bad Italian food - all except for Justin, who's off somewhere playing vigilante, and Emmett, who's off playing wounded drama queen.] Brian: This Chianti tastes like piss! This pasta's so limp it needs Viagra sauce. Michael: It doesn't matter if the food's good or not. We're here to support Ted! Lindsay: So, where is Teddy? Ben: You sure that he work tonight? Michael: Yeah. Mr.Perdutshi: Ladies and Gentlemen, Signore and Signor. We hope you're having a memorial dining experience. Brian: I'm sure I remember me of this. Mr.Perdutshi: And to your enjoyments Signor Schmidt. [He looks perfectly confident and at ease as he begins to sing - until he lays eyes on his "supportive friends" at the front table. He falters and stops singing, then leaves the "stage." Michael follows, of course.] Michael: Ted, what's wrong? Ted: Why are you here? Michael: To cheer you on! Ted: Did it ever occur to you - to any of you - that if I wanted you here, I would've asked you! If you were really my friends, you would leave me alone. [Michael gets the kicked puppydog look again.] [Liberty Avenue - The entire Pink Posse walking down the street. It's shown in slow motion. Cody's smiling. Justin's serious. A car drives by, some guy sticking his head out.] Guy#1: Hey faggot! Wanna suck my cock? [The Pink Posse rushes over, led by Cody] Cody: What are you thinking? Get out of the car! Come out! [Cody kicking the car door.] Guy#1: Hey, what are you doin'? Guy#2: What do to my f*ckin' car, asshole?! Guy#1: What's your business, faggot?! Justin: Here is the other faggot. Apologize, you to! Guy#2: f*ck you, you little cocksucker. [Justin gets shoved on top of the car's hood, and all the Posse members jump into the battle. They proceed to pants the idiots. Meaning they hold the two men down and tear off their clothes so they have to escape bare-assed back into the car and drive off. The Posse's cheering, so is everyone else on Liberty Avenue, - and Justin's smiling and laughing.] [Cut to Brian in the loft - smoking a joint. Justin runs down the sidewalk outside, then comes into the loft.] Brian: Oh, you're just in time. I was about to go to Babylon. Justin: Those straight assholes. We turned them into pussies. You should've seen us there. [He starts taking Brian's jeans off, they share the joint as Brian sits in a chair, Justin straddling him.] [Cut to Ben and Michael at the gym.] Ben: Good boy. See those pecs. Michael: Anytime you want to, big guy. [Blake approaches.] Blake: Excuse me, you spot me. Michael: Actually I was leaving to the showers. Blake: I'm Blake. Ben: Ben. Oh, you're Ted's... Michael told me... Blake: Our story? Look - I know you don't want to hear anything I have to say, but - what happened last night between you and Ted - you've gotta give him some time. Michael: Thanks for the advice. Now if you don't mind - Blake: He's trying to put his life back together. There's a lot of things that he's ashamed of and when he sees you, he's reminded of them. You're a reflection of those things that he wants to forget. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. Ben: We care about him, too. Michael: Yeah, we just want him to know it. Blake: He does know it, deep down. Eventually he'll come around. But it has to be on his own terms. [Michael walks off, still looking rather petulant.] Ben: I'll spot you if you like. Blake: Thanks. [With his muscles and tan, Blake looks like a mini-me version of Ben.] [It's moving day in Debbie's house. Vic pops his meds] Rodney: I'll guess it's everything. You're ready? Debbie: Vic! Vic: I'm down here, sis. I'll be there in a minute. Rodney: Take your time. I'm waiting in the car. Debbie: You won't to take the Twins? Vic: I thoughed I'll leaving for you. Debbie: But I'm brough them for you, remember? Vic: Cause I'm remember. Debbie: You were so sick we couldn't be out of bed, so I put one on beside you to watch over you. Vic: I they did. I tell you what. I'll take her, you'll keep him. That way we're have each other. Debbie: Deal. You've got everything? Wait a minute. Don't forget, there is a big chicken, a couple of baken. Vic: Jesus, this is enough for an army. Debbie: But you need this for your new home. Hey, it's sounds like you're never coming back. Vic: I just thought the only way I'd leave here would be in a box. Debbie: Well, thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that never happened. Now you're walking out the front door with your boyfriend and you're starting a whole new life. Vic: What about you? Debbie: In case you haven't notices, I'm all set up for my Rosalind Russell film festival and I've got enough ice cream in the freezer to give every man, woman and child in Pittsburgh a heart attack. So - as soon as you leave, then my new life begins. [Rodney comes back in.] Rodney: Ready? [Vic goes to hug Deb, but she holds him off.] Debbie: No f*ckin' goodbyes. Besides, we all know I'm gonna be over there buggin' the sh1t outta ya in about an hour. [He hugs her. This time, she lets him.] Vic: I love you. [At the loft, Justin's taking a shower, showing us some blond boyass. Brian's stretching against the wall, watching the blond boyass.] Brian: Coming to Babylon? Justin: Got other plans. Brian: Friday night in this nowhere burg, that would either be counting your socks or going to synagogue. Justin: I've got patrol duty. Brian: As long as you're working the streets, you should try making a few bucks. [Justin gets out of the shower and begins toweling off. In the bathroom mirror, Brian notices a long scrape on his back.] Brian: Where'd you get that? Justin: Oh. One of those jerkoffs from the other day pushed me. It's nothing. Brian: This time. Justin: I can take care of myself. Brian: How about taking the night off? Even Rage and God get a day of rest. Justin: I told you, I have things to do. Brian: Like going out looking for trouble. Justin: I'm not looking for anything. It comes looking for us. m*therf*ckin' straight guys think they can drive down the street, yell faggot out of their car window and we're just gonna stand there and take it like a bunch of scared sissies. As far as I'm concerned, they can f*cking die. Brian: Glad to hear you're not angry. Justin: We're protecting innocent people. Standing up for ourselves. What's wrong with that? [Cut to Babylon. Emmett's dancing with a short Latin-looking guy. Emmett's wearing eye makeup, looks a little tweaked and is clearly in Party Slut mode.] Brian: Knows Ben where you are? Michael: He's working on his new book. He's always done. I can't wait to read it. Brian: I'll can't wait for the movie. Michael: Is Justin coming? Brian: Maybe. Michael: I'll hear the Pink Posse came to the rescue the night before. Hey Em. Emmett: Hey Michael. Michael: How's it going? Emmett: Just fine. Michael: You wanna get a drink? Emmett: No thanks. Ramón and I are busy. Michael: Maybe later. Emmett: Later on I'll be even busier. But hey, why don't you call Ted? I'm sure he'd love to get a drink with you. [Michael looks like a kicked puppydog - again! It apparently works on Brian] Brian: Why you take some beers? [Michael leaves. Brian moves in on Emmett, getting between him and his dancing partner/potential trick.] Brian: Do you mind if I cut in? Emmett: I'm dancing with someone. Brian: No, you are. Emmett: How dare you! Where the f*ck do you get off? Brian: Save your diva routine for your world tour. Why'd you treat Michael like that? Emmett: Like what? Brian: Like he's an insignificant piece of sh1t. Emmett: What the f*ck business is it of yours? Brian: Anybody who hurts Michael is the f*ck my business. Emmett: Well, maybe he hurt me, too. Brian: By being friends with Theodore? Emmett: You are the one who told me to forget him. That he's dead. Right here on this very dance floor! Brian: Well, guess what. Like Jesus and Liza and Judy, he's making a comeback. Emmett: And everybody wants to give him a standing ovation, just like nothing ever happened. Brian: Listen to me, Honeycutt. Are you listening? Emmett: Yes. I'm listening. Don't call me Honeycutt. Brian: (laughs) Michael is your friend just the same as he's Ted's. But if you force him to choose between you, you're gonna lose him. Oh and by the way, I f*cked Ramon, and his dick's the size of a Ticonderoga No. 3. After it's been sharpened. Sorry! [Meanwhile, Cody and Justin are prowling the streets, looking for trouble. But to their disappointment, trouble seems to have taken the night off.] Justin: There's not much happening tonight. Cody: Can't expect to kick ass every time. Justin: But last night? Last night was the first time I was ever in a fight and won. For once the f*cking bullies ran away. Cody: Nothing like feeling a little power. But it might make things harder. Once they hear we're not afraid to fight back, they might not be so quick to come looking for us. So we'll just have to go looking for them. Justin: But I thought our job was to protect people here on the street. Cody: Sure. But why hang around on Liberty Avenue waiting for things to happen when there's a whole straight world out there? Let them see us! And fear us in Jesus' name! Justin: What the f*ck is that? Cody: Southern Baptist bullshit. Every Wednesday and Sunday night, I'd be sitting there listening to the preacher telling us how all homosexuals were gonna burn in Hell. And I'd be sh1tting in my pants thinking, what if the congregation found out? I'd be kicked out. My parents would hate me. They'd never speak to me again. Justin: Is that what happened? Cody: Not before I f*cked Hector Ramirez up the ass. So - whaddaya say we go flush us out some homophobes? [He puts his arm around Justin's shoulder and they walk off together, comrades in arms.] [Everyone takes Brian's advice, except Justin. At Babylon, Emmett makes nice with Mikey, who's brooding at the bar.] Emmett: So I've been thinking about going blond. Sort of silvery platinum shade Madonna was, pre-Blond Ambition, post-Dick Tracy. Michael: I think that's the worst f*cking idea I've ever heard. Emmett: I knew you would. [Emmett drags Michael out to the dance floor and they're friends again.] [Cody continues to instruct Justin in Vigilantism 101.] Cody: When my dad used to take me birdhunting, the first thing we'd do to flush them out was beat the bushes. Justin: How do we do that? Cody: Like this! [He grabs Justin to kiss him - initially, Justin pulls away. Then they kiss, to the disgust of passing straight people. A guy walking by.] Man: Christ! Cody: Excuse me? I thought you said something about my friend and me. Guy: Yeah. Get a room! Cody: You have a problem, sir, with our kissing? Guy: No, you do. You're in the wrong part of town. So why don't you go back to where you belong? Cody: Last I heard we were still living in a democracy. When did they pass out the pink triangles? [He gives the guy a shove. The guy shoves back.] Men: f*ck off! Cody: You got a problem, asshole? [The guy starts to walk away, but Cody pulls him back. Now the guy is pissed.] Guy: Yeah. You f*cking fags should all get AIDS and die! Justin: Someone else once said that to me! [Justin punches the man. Black Screen.]

Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who warns Justin about his involvement with Cody and the Pink Posse? A: Ted; Q: Who is pushing his friends away? A: a new job; Q: What does Ted start? A: Vic; Q: Who decides to move in with Rodney? Summary: Brian warns Justin about his involvement with Cody and the Pink Posse. Ted continues to push his friends away as he begins a new job. Vic and Rodney decide to move in together.

Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Classical music is playing on the stereo. Frasier hurries in from the kitchen, turns up the volume, and begins to conduct to the air. [N.B. "Variations on a Theme of Joseph Haydn," Op. 56, by Johannes Brahms.] Martin and Ronee come in the front door behind him. Smiling, Martin walks up directly behind Frasier as the piece ends. Martin: Boo! Frasier lets out a startled squawk as Ronee and Martin laugh. Frasier: That is not funny! You don't sneak up on someone and startle them! Martin: First of all, it's very funny. And secondly, I only did it to prove a point. Ronee: And you called it: he does scream like a woman. Frasier: I do not scream like a woman. It was a manly throaty wail. Niles comes in the front door. Niles: Frasier, you may want to call security. As I got off the elevator, I heard a woman screaming hysterically. Frasier: That was me! I was innocently conducting some Brahms and our madcap father decided to startle me. Martin: Oh, quit whinin'. I used to scare you kids all the time when we went camping and you used to love it. Remember the story about the couple making out in the car who got slashed by the killer with the hook? He sits at the table as Ronee brings some beers over. Frasier: Yes, and I remember I couldn't kiss a woman in a car until I was thirty. Ronee: Well, your father doesn't have that problem, Mr. Reclining Bucket Seats. Martin lets out a suggestive chuckle as she sits. Frasier: Want me to scream again? Niles: Dad, when'd you get the new cane? Martin: Oh, Ronee got it for me. He stands up to show it off. Ronee: Yeah, he's to young for that old-man cane. This is much more his style. Martin: Give me a top hat and I'm Fred Astaire. Frasier: Add a monocle and you're Mr. Peanut. Martin sits back down as Niles picks up a book from the coffee table. Niles: Frasier, coulrophobia? Frasier: Yes, I have a patient who suffers from it. Martin: What is it? Frasier: It's a very rare disorder: a crippling fear of clowns. Yes, I'm treating a pediatric nurse who's terrified every time one comes to visit the children at her hospital. It's almost cost her her job. Niles: Poor thing. Frasier: Yes, although we're making great progress, though. Some rather ground-breaking techniques I've devised. I think we're close to a cure. Niles: Really? Frasier: Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if this may turn out to be my clowning achievement. Niles: That sounded better in you head, didn't it? Frasier: Vastly. Niles sits on the couch and leafs through the book. Martin: Well, I don't blame her for hatin' clowns. They're weird and creepy. That's one of the reasons I never took you kids to the circus. Niles: Which I always resented. You know how much I wanted to be a trapeze artist. I even decorated a unitard in the style of the Flying Wallendas to wear when we visited the big top. Martin: That was the other reason. Frasier: Well, I'll go check on dinner. He heads for the kitchen. Ronee: Oh, you know, I'm gonna have to make this an early evening. I'm leaving in the morning to visit my mother. She moved last year to Spokane. Frasier: [stopping at the kitchen door] I remember your mom. She used to chaperone our dances, right? Ronee: Oh yeah. She also taught Sunday school and led the church choir. Frasier: It must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from that tree. Martin and Ronee give him sarcastic smiles. [SCENE_BREAK] SEND IN THE CLOWN Scene 2 - Frasier's Office Fade in. Frasier is sitting with his coulrophobic patient, Mimi, winding a jack-in-the-box. [N.B. Stephanie Faracy also played a character named Mimi in [5.06], "Voyage of the Damned" though that character was a randy, high society lush.] Frasier: You're doing fine, Mimi, there's nothing to be afraid of. Mimi: Right. Frasier: Just a tiny inanimate piece of plastic. It couldn't possibly hurt you. Mimi: I know. Frasier: You're doing great. Mimi: I feel good. The clown doll pops out of the box and she lets out a shriek. Frasier: Much better. Mimi: Really? Frasier: Yes, yes. You're still in the room, you didn't throw up. It's a big improvement. All right now, give me your hand. [He takes it and puts it on the jack-in-the-box.] Here's the tiny little hat. Mimi: Tiny little hat, right. Frasier: And the big red nose. Mimi: The big red nose. Frasier: Now, Mimi, is there anything you'd like to say to our little clown friend? Mimi: Please don't kill me! Frasier: No! No, Mimi. Mimi: Oh, uh, I mean, you're my friend and I like you. Frasier: Excellent, Mimi. All right then. Now, tomorrow we will take our biggest step yet. Mimi: No, I really don't think that... Frasier: No, you are ready. You are. In the safety of this environment, you will watch me transform myself into a real live clown. I will apply the make up, and then I'll put on the clown suit and the big funny shoes. And, time permitting, I will make animal balloons. Mimi: And you really think that'll work? Frasier: As long as you don't ask for anything too complicated, like a giraffe. He smiles, but she's not in a laughing mood. Frasier: Well, our time is up. All right then, Mimi, I will see you tomorrow. He stuffs the doll back in the box and they get up. Frasier: Rest assured, I will talk you through every step of the way. There's nothing to be afraid of. There will be no surprises. The clown pops back out. She screams and falls back onto the couch. Frasier: I'm so, so sorry. Yes, here. There he goes. He stuffs the box closed again as she regains her feet. Frasier: I will see you later, then. The clown pops out yet again, bringing another scream. Frasier frantically closes it. Frasier: Again, I am so sorry. Little fella really is full of mischief, isn't he? Mimi: You mean you're not controlling him?! Frasier: Yes! Of course I am! Anyway, I will see you tomorrow. Double session. Mimi hurries out the door, a panicked look on her face. Frasier walks back to his desk and tosses the jack-in-the-box into the trash. He then leans over to jot down some notes. Martin comes in the door and, seeing that Frasier's back is turned, sneaks over, picks up an African mask and moves behind his son. Frasier stands up and turns, ending up face to face with the mask. Martin: Boo! Frasier squawks and reels back as Martin bursts out laughing. Recovering, Frasier indignantly takes the mask from Martin. Frasier: What is the matter with you?! He takes the mask back to its stand. Martin: Well, you keep standing in empty rooms with your back to the door, I'm only human. I wish Ronee could've seen that one. Frasier: You know, I'm glad your little girlfriend is making you feel young again, but you're acting like an irresponsible adolescent. Martin: [in a nasal mimic] Irresponsible adolescent. He sits down on the couch. Frasier: Mimicking me now! Martin: Mimicking me now! Frasier: Stop it! Did you specifically come down here to torture me? Martin: No, I'm picking up Niles for a movie, but he's still got someone in his office. Frasier: Yes, as do I, unfortunately. Now off you go. Martin gets up. Martin: Oh, when did you forget how to have fun? You've turned into such a fuddy-duddy. Frasier: Well forgive me if I prefer humor of a more elevated level. I tell you what, I might actually enjoy one of your japes someday if you could come up with something with a bit more wit and sophistication. Martin leaves and Frasier sits at his desk to work on his notes. The phone rings and he answers. Frasier: Hello? Yes, well I'm afraid my calendar is rather booked right now. All right, I suppose I could try to squeeze you in somewhere. And your last name, please? Rection. That's unusual. And your first name? ...That's not funny either, Dad. He hangs up the phone and sits there, fuming. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier opens the front door, Roz is there and hands him a small bag. Frasier: Oh, hello, Roz. Roz: Hi. Frasier: Thanks for bringing that over. Roz: No problem. I'm warning you, though, that clown makeup is a bitch to get off. I wore it for Alice's birthday party and for a whole week after, I looked like a kabuki hooker. Frasier: Oh, yes, that was around the time of the SeaBee Awards. I remember now, you were rather comically made up that night. Roz: [mad] I'd gotten it off by then. Martin comes in the front door. Martin: Yoo-hoo, Frasier, don't be afraid. I'm comin' in the door. Frasier: Very funny, Dad. Roz, do you think it's funny when somebody sneaks up behind you and jolts you out of your skin? Roz: Let me guess: somebody screamed like a woman. Frasier: Yes, all right. Good night, Roz. Roz: Bye. She heads out the door, Frasier grabs the box with the clown costume. Frasier: I thought you were having dinner with Niles. Martin: He cancelled, something came up. I'm just gonna watch the game in my room. But don't worry. If I come out for a beer, I'll call ahead. Wouldn't want you to think there was an intruder in the house. Frasier: It's about ten years too late for that. They head off to the bedrooms, then Frasier stops, turns back and sets the box down. He's just had a wicked idea. Frasier: [calling] Dad, I'm gonna go out for a while. See you later. Martin: [calling from his room] See ya. Frasier opens the front door, jingles his keys, then closes the door while still inside. He hurries back, grabs the box and takes it to his library. [SCENE_BREAK] Later, as he steps out, fully dressed and made up as a clown. He quietly steps into the living room, thinks a moment, then goes to the kitchen and retrieves a meat cleaver. He goes to the front door and rings the bell several times, then hides in the powder room. Martin comes into the living room to answer the door, checking the hall. While his back is turned, Frasier creeps from the powder room and strikes a menacing pose with the cleaver, waiting until Martin turns to face him, then letting out a roar. Martin howls and rears back, falling to the floor as Frasier bursts out laughing. Frasier: Ah, you're right, Dad, that's hilarious. Not such a fuddy-duddy now, am I? He notices Martin, still on the floor. Frasier: Oh, that's quite a comeback, Dad, a heart attack. Come on, get up. Martin isn't moving. Frasier: Dad? Dad, you can get up now. Dad! [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - The Hospital Fade in. Frasier, still in clown regalia, is in the waiting room. Niles rushes off the elevator. Niles: Frasier! Frasier: Niles. Niles: How's Dad? Frasier: Well, he's resting, he's stable. His color is good. Niles: Thank God. Can I see him? Frasier: Well, they're running some tests right now. The doctor should be out in a minute. Niles: How did this happen? Frasier: Well, there's... so many factors in a case like this, Niles. It's impossible to pinpoint any one cause in particular. Niles: Why are you dressed like that? Frasier: Well... Oh, all right. You remember my patient with the clown phobia? Niles: Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry. Frasier: Oh, Niles, I feel just terrible about this. Niles: Frasier, you feel terrible? I was supposed to have dinner with him tonight and I cancelled on him. I would have been with him when it happened, but no, I had to try out those new bath emollients. Frasier: Yes, well, no point in trying to assign blame at a time like this, Niles. We must remember that. They sit. Niles: You probably saved his life. [to a woman sitting in a chair] Our father had a heart attack, this man saved his life! Frasier: Well, I'm sure you would've done the same thing if you were in my shoes, Niles. [to the woman] Well, not these shoes, of course. Roz gets off the elevator. Roz: Hey. Frasier: Oh, Roz, hi. They get up. Roz hands Frasier a bag. Roz: Here are your clothes. Frasier: Thank you. Roz: How's your dad? Niles: Well, he's fine now, thanks to Frasier's grace under pressure. A couple walks over. Man: You know they say the first few minutes are critical? Roz: Did you give him an aspirin? Frasier: Uh, yes, I did. Roz: He's been taking care of his dad for ten years. Woman: God bless him. What a good son. A nurse walks over. Nurse: Uh, excuse me Dr. Crane, I have to verify the paramedic's report. Around seven o'clock this evening you pretended to leave your apartment... Frasier: Yes, that's right, it's all there, off you go. Nurse: Then you dressed up like a clown and lured you father into the living room where you leapt out waving a meat cleaver causing him to collapse. Niles turns to Frasier, shocked, as are all the others. Niles: You scared him on purpose? Frasier: It was a joke! Niles: You know how much he hates clowns! [to the others] My father hates clowns. Frasier: Yes, well it was only meant as a playful little jolt. Roz: Why didn't you just throw a toaster in his tub? The doctor comes out. Doctor: Dr. Crane? Frasier: Oh, yes. Doctor: Your father's doing well. He appears to have suffered a mild cardiac event. Frasier: And what does that mean, exactly? Doctor: Well, basically it's a warning. He'll need to change his diet, start exercising. Anyway, he should be able to go home tomorrow. The doctor walks off and Frasier turns back to the others. Frasier: What a relief! He's going to be okay! Roz: No thanks to you! Niles: Look at you. You just stand there with a smile on your face. Frasier: That's makeup, you idiot! May I remind you all that this was an accident? He grabs the overnight bag and starts for the elevator. Frasier: It was meant as a harmless amusement. I will not stand here and be demonized for this. I am not a monster! The elevator opens. Mimi, the coulrophobic nurse, is inside. Upon seeing Frasier she lets out a shriek and turns away. Turning back to escape the confines of the elevator, she is confronted by Frasier once more and screams again, finally collapsing against the elevator rail as Frasier runs the other way. [SCENE_BREAK] DE-FIBBING [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Eddie is waiting on the couch as Martin and the boys come in the front. Frasier is carrying Martin's bag from the hospital, Niles has some bouquets which he sets on the coffee table and the dinner table. Frasier: Okay, Dad, now just take it easy. Martin: I'm fine. Eddie rushes over. Martin: Hey, there's my guy. Daddy's home from the little vacation your brother Frasier sent me on. Frasier: All right, Dad. Niles: Daphne's on her way over to join us for a nice, heart-smart dinner. Frasier: Right. Oh, and Dad, you really should take a look at this list the hospital sent home with us. Now, the foods that have a little picture of a, a smiling heart next to them are good for you. Martin: Yeah, I cracked the code already. Frasier, I wish you'd stop coddling me. I know you're sorry and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack. Frasier: Not a heart attack, Dad, a, a cardiac event. You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it. Niles: Yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier, like "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack." Frasier: Cardiac event! Martin reaches for his bag. Martin: Here, give me this. Frasier: No, Dad, here. I'll take this to your room for you. Why don't you just sit down and rest? Niles: Hey, were you able to reach Ronee at her mom's? Martin: Nope. Niles: Well, here, you can try her now. Martin sits in his chair. Martin: No, because I'm not tellin' her. Frasier: What? Martin: She doesn't need to know every little thing that goes on in my life. Frasier: Dad, you had a heart attack! Martin: Cardiac event. And it's over. Niles: Dad... Martin: It's over. Frasier: Dad, are you afraid she'll start seeing you differently? Martin: Well, you see me differently. "Let me have that suitcase, Dad." "Just sit down and rest." I don't need her thinkin' of me as some feeble old guy. Frasier: Do you really want to keep such an enormous secret from her? Martin: Well, not forever. You and Niles can tell her after I'm dead. The doorbell rings. Niles: Oh, that'll be Daphne. He goes to answer it. Martin: She's not cookin', is she? I just got out of the hospital! Niles stops to give him an outraged look, then opens the door. It is Ronee. [N.B. Daphne does not appear in this episode, except for the tag. Jane Leeves was probably on maternity leave. In the next episode filmed, "Caught In The Act" (which aired before this one) she was back to normal and wore a fake stomach for Daphne's bump.] Niles: Ronee. Ronee: Surprise, boys, and start pourin'. How ya doin', sweetie? Martin gets up and she gives him a big hug. Martin: Hey. I thought you were at your mother's. Ronee: Oh, you know, I cut it short. It was just too depressing. Ever since her operation, she just sits around all day like she's a hundred. She notices the bouquet on the coffee table. Ronee: Nice flowers. [reads the card] "Get well soon"? Martin: Oh, I got those for Frasier. He has a little... man problem. Frasier goes wide-eyed in shock and anger. Martin: Flares up every once in a while. Niles: Frasier has a... man problem. He breaks down into giggles as he finishes. Frasier: Shut up, ya nit! Ronee: Hey, thank God for antibiotics, huh? I'll be right back and then you wanna go out and get some ribs? Martin: Oh, sounds great. She goes into the powder room. Frasier and Niles glare at Martin. Martin: Well, I'm not tellin' her. You heard what she said about her mother. He goes to get his coat. Niles: Dad, you're not going to be able to keep this from her. Martin: Well, watch me. Frasier: And how are you going to explain the fact that you can't eat ribs tonight? Or the new medication that you're on? Or the fact that you can't have s*x for the next two weeks? Martin: Who says? Frasier: It's on the list! Niles: What little picture is next to that one? Frasier: Dad, listen, uh, if she's not able to handle something like this, isn't it better if you know now? Ronee comes out. Ronee: Okay, Marty, let's go pig out. Frasier grabs the bag. Frasier: Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you? Good seeing you again, Ronee. Ronee: Yeah, you too. I'm glad you're feeling better. Frasier: Sorry? Ronee: You know, your man problem. The boys head off to Martin's room, Niles laughing again. Frasier: Keep laughing and you're gonna have a man problem. Martin hangs his coat back up. Martin: You know, I'm not that hungry right now. Do you mind if we just sit for a while? Ronee: No, that's fine. You want me to go get you a beer? Martin: No. So, uh, good weather over there in Spokane? Ronee: God, no. It rained the entire time. I basically just sat there and made boring small talk with my mother. God, I hate small talk. They sit on the couch. Martin: Oh, tell me. Rained here some, too. CUT TO: Martin's bedroom. Frasier and Niles come in and start putting Martin's things away. Niles: I don't know. I just hope it doesn't scare her off. Frasier: Maybe she might surprise us. Niles opens a drawer. Niles: Does Ronee ever... spend the night here? Frasier: Yeah, on occasion. Niles: Well, good. 'Cause there's some underwear in here that I was really hoping didn't belong to Dad. Niles picks up a photo from the dresser. Niles: Oh, look at this: Dad was right. We're camping and we're having fun. Look how happy we are. Frasier takes the photo, then points to something. Frasier: No, the car's packed. We're leaving. God, what pains we were. Didn't want to get our hands dirty, didn't want to go fishing, didn't want to sleep on the ground. But he kept taking us, year after year, just so he could spend time with us. Niles: And frighten us to death with stories of hook-armed slashers. Frasier: You know, no matter how frightened I got, as soon as Dad started laughing again I knew that everything was safe. You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles. Niles sits down on the bed. Niles: Me neither. And I don't want my child to miss knowing him. Who else is going to teach him how to catch a football ball? Frasier: You know, eleven years ago when he moved in here, I couldn't imagine a bigger infringement on my life. Now, I can't imagine my life without him. Niles: It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair and know that Dad wasn't here anymore. Frasier: Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately. CUT TO: the living room. Martin and Ronee are still sitting awkwardly on the couch. Martin: So, you made the trip on one tank of gas? Wow. Ronee: Yeah, that was really one for the books. Okay, Marty, what's going on? Martin: What? Ronee: Well, I feel like you've got something on your mind that you're not telling me. Martin: No, I don't. It's just... Boy, this is hard. I'm just nervous about what you're gonna to say. Ronee: Marty, just... Martin: Yesterday, I had a mild, very mild, cardiac event. Ronee: A what? Martin: I had a little heart attack. Ronee: And that's it? Martin: What do you mean, "that's it"? I had a heart attack, for God's sake! Ronee: Well, no surgery, home the next day, that's a bee sting. Did they use the paddles? Martin: No. Ronee: Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles. She leans back. Martin: You had the paddles? Ronee: All right, let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy, okay? Martin: Well, I'm sorry it's not dramatic enough for you. Ronee: Look, after all that build up, I just thought it would be something bigger, all right? Like you were gonna break up with me or pop the question or something. And FYI, the next time you're in the hospital, I would appreciate a phone call if it's not too much trouble. Martin: Fine! And FYI I'm not breakin' up with you. Ronee: Well, I know that now. Martin: And if I was gonna do that other thing, it wouldn't be here. Ronee: What other thing? Martin: Pop the question. Ronee: Oh. Martin: It'd be someplace romantic, for God's sake. Uh... tablecloths! Ronee: Nice. Martin: Damn right it'd be nice. So? Ronee: So, what? Martin: So what would you have said? Ronee: Well, how should I know? You didn't ask me. Martin: Well, so say I am now. Ronee: What? Martin: Asking you. Ronee: Well, are you or are aren't you? Martin: I am. Ronee: Okay then. Martin: Okay. Okay what? Ronee: Okay I will. Martin: Yeah? Ronee: Yeah. Martin: Okay. Ronee: Okay. Martin seems satisfied for a moment, then gets a confused look on his face. So does Ronee. CUT TO: Martin's bedroom. Frasier is sitting on the dresser, talking to Niles. Frasier: Oh, maybe Dad's right. I am getting stuck in my ways. I like the way things are, I don't want them to change. Niles: Well, don't worry, he's not going anywhere for a while. Martin bursts into the room. Martin: Hey guys, guess what? I'm gettin' married! Ronee comes in. Ronee: Well, come on boys, give your ol' mom a kiss! She pulls the shocked pair into a hug. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is serving dinner to Ronee and Martin. Martin takes a look at his heart-healthy meal, then makes a face. He convinces Ronee to trade, then takes a bite of her food. Making a worse face, he switches the plates back.

Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who disguises himself as a clown? A: tricks; Q: What is Frasier becoming fed up with his father playing on him? A: the effeminate scream; Q: What does Frasier mock? A: a clown; Q: What does Frasier dress up as? A: vengeance; Q: What does Frasier want from his father? A: Ronee; Q: Who does Martin propose to? Summary: Frasier is becoming fed up with his father playing tricks on him, and mocking the effeminate scream that his pranks provoke. It happens that Frasier is treating a patient who has the rare condition of coulrophobia - fear of clowns. Part of the treatment he has planned is to dress up as a clown , so he has a very comprehensive costume. In a bid for vengeance on his father, Frasier disguises himself as a clown, which Martin hates. After Frasier jumps out at him wearing the outfit, Martin has a heart attack and is hospitalized. This spurs Martin to propose to Ronee while recovering.

Scene: The apartment. Howard: T-minus 60 seconds. Raj: Oh, it all comes down to this. Leonard: Oh, I've got butterflies. Sheldon: Don't get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face. Penny: What's going on? Leonard: Hey. We're about to buy tickets for Comic-Con. Penny: Oh. Howard: T Minus 45 seconds. Leonard: They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes... Sheldon: Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants. Penny: This is a whole lot of weird before coffee. Howard: T-minus 30 seconds. Raj: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad. Sheldon: Every year. I told you, wear a diaper. Raj: And I told you I get diaper rash. Howard: 15 seconds. Leonard: Well, this is it, this is it. This is it. Howard: Five, four, three, two, one. Sheldon: It's live. Go, go, go, go, go. Raj: Anyone in? Sheldon: No. Leonard: Not yet. Howard: Nope. Sheldon: Do not stop refreshing your screens. All (repeatedly): Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.... Penny: Yeah, this is not gonna be enough coffee. Credits sequence. Scene: The same, shortly after. All (repeatedly): Refresh... Refresh... Refresh... Howard: It's been ten minutes. We're running out of time. Penny: To be cool? Yeah. Leonard: I did it, I did it, I'm in the queue. Sheldon: Yay! And they say firefighters are the real heroes. Raj: Uh, what number in line are you? Leonard: Uh, fifteen... Howard: Great. Leonard: ...thousand two hundred and eleven. Howard: Damn. Raj: Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left. Howard: Really? Leonard: Oh, Thursday's gone. Just Sunday left. Sheldon: Oh, Sunday's the worst. Everybody's leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL. Leonard: Sunday's gone. Sheldon: Not Sunday, I love Sunday. Raj: So that's it? Everything's sold out? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: I can't believe we're not going. Sheldon: It's okay. You know, there, there's always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that's just as good. Excuse me. Penny: Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago. Sheldon: I can't believe we wasted all that time on our Hulk costumes. Penny: What? You were all going as the Hulk? Howard: Not the same Hulk. Ferrigno, Bana, Norton and Ruffalo. Raj: We would have been the angry green belles of the masquerade ball. All: Yeah. Penny: And we're back to the first kind of sad. Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don't need them. I'm starting my own convention. Leonard: Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us. Sheldon: I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You're gonna feel pretty silly when we're 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days. Leonard: Do what you want. We're getting scalped tickets. Howard: I already found a guy online who's willing to sell. Sheldon: How do you know this isn't a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police? Leonard: The same way I know that the people in the TV set can't see me. Howard: Sheldon, just come with us. You're not gonna make your own convention. Sheldon: You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn't exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I'm gonna rip that guy off. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon (on phone): Yes, I'm starting my own comic book convention, and I thought that your client, Robert Downey Jr., would be perfect to appear on our first panel. Oh, well, now, why are you saying no? You haven't even asked him yet. You know, excuse me, but I sat through Iron Man 2. I believe he owes me two hours of his time. They hung up on me. Leonard: Did you tell them that you're holding your convention at a Marie Callender's, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie? Sheldon: I didn't even get to that part. Leonard: Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time. Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn't a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that's the same day that he shampoos his beard. Leonard: Sheldon, buddy, I just don't think this is going to come together for you. Sheldon: You don't know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list. Leonard: Good luck. Sheldon: No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, 'cause, legally, I'm not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, 'cause I hear he can be pretty nuts. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: I can't believe Leonard is spending hundreds of dollars on scalped tickets. Amy: Last week, you spent that on a little dress. Penny: Yeah, but those tickets only get him into Comic-Con. That dress gets me into anywhere I want. Bernadette: Those tickets were pretty expensive. I had to give Howie an advance on his allowance. Now he's never gonna put his toys away. Amy: Why can't they do something sensible like Sheldon and start their own comic book convention? Also, who wants to throw me out that window? Bernadette: Well, while they're acting like teenagers, we could do something grown-up. Amy: Oh. You mean like a museum? Penny: Yes, like a museum, but anything else. Bernadette: Oh, I know. There's a nice hotel not far from here where they do afternoon tea. Amy: Ooh, afternoon tea, how sophisticated of us. Penny: Oh, all right, if we're gonna be fancy, I should probably put on clean underwear. Bernadette: La-dee-da, look who has clean underwear. Penny: No, we're gonna stop at Target on the way. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Hey, since Sheldon's not going to Comic-Con, maybe we could find a cool trio to dress up as. Leonard: Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us. Howard: Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don't exist were over. Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention. Leonard: Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape? Sheldon: I don't think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King's dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader. Raj: How are you gonna get James Earl Jones? Sheldon: Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he's looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That's where he'll be, and that's where I'm going, and... Howard: And that's where Darth Vader's gonna pour soy sauce on your head. Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don't be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You're gonna get in trouble. Sheldon: You're the ones who are going to get in trouble. You're buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I'm warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum... Scene: The same, later. Howard (on phone): Okay, great. Bye. Our friendly neighbourhood scalper says he's running late. Raj: Does he sound like a criminal? Howard: What do you mean? Raj: You know, did he say things like, youse guys, or, listen here, see? Leonard: Yes. He, he's late because he's on his way here from 1940. Raj: I'm just saying, we don't know who this guy is. What if he wants to steal our money or our kidneys, or make a suit outof our skins? Howard: Why would someone want to make clothes out of your skin? Raj: I don't know. Maybe 'cause dark doesn't show the stains? Leonard: Well, now you're making me wonder if we should have met him at a neutral location. Howard: Why do you think I told him to come to your place? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Hotel tea room. Amy: There sure are a lot of little kids here. Penny: I can't believe we thought this would makes us feel grown up. Bernadette: I can't believe the waiter thought I was your daughter. Amy: Well, last time I got dressed up and had tea was when I was five. Just me, my teddy bear, Raggedy Ann and my hamster. Bernadette: That's cute. Amy: It was. Till my hamster ate all her babies. It got less cute really fast. Bernadette: Should we leave? Penny: Well, there's a bar in the lobby. Bernadette: I could go for a drink. Amy: Aw. Drinking in the afternoon, just like her mommy. Scene: A sushi restaurant. James Earl Jones: Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I've been in other movies. But you don't care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me? Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you'd think I was a creepy stalker. James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie. Sheldon: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Okay, so, I'm on a Comic-Con message board, and there's a post from a guy where he says he got caught using someone else's badge, and Sheldon was right, he did get charged with petty theft. Guys, if I go to jail dressed as the Human Torch, that might send the wrong message. Leonard: Maybe this isn't a good idea. Howard: I can text the guy and tell him we changed our minds. Raj: Do it. Howard: Okay. We're officially not going to Comic-Con. Leonard: Hold on. We always do this. Howard: Do what? Leonard: Chicken out. We're, we're so afraid of getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong. Raj: That's 'cause we're the good guys. Leonard: Even Batman breaks the rules. Raj: You know I struggle with Batman. Leonard: I say, this one time, instead of wimping out, let's be badasses. Raj: Okay, I'll be a badass, but only if you pinky-swear to be one, too. Leonard: Howard, you in on this? Howard: No need. I'm breaking rules all the time. Leonard: Name one. Howard: Last night. Drank my Pepto straight out of the bottle. Raj: What about that little cup they give you? Howard: Yeah. What about it? Raj: Are you impressed by that? Leonard: A little. Raj: Yeah, me, too. Scene: The sushi restaurant. James: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying. Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn't, was he? James: He was not. How messed up was that? Sheldon: So messed up. James: What do you say let's go have some fun? My wife's in New York, and I got a Lion King residual cheque burning a hole in my pocket. Scene: The hotel bar. Penny: So, afternoon tea was a bust. Amy: On the bright side, every six-year-old there was jealous of my tiara. Not gonna lie, it felt good. Penny: Let me ask you a question, when did you guys start feeling grown up? 'Cause I am not sure I do. Bernadette: Honestly, I thought when I got married I would, but I still kind of feel like I'm pretending. It doesn't help that most of my clothes come from Gap Kids. Penny: Okay, so I'm an adult, and the other day I saw an old man slip and fall down, and I laughed. I mean, I laughed hard. Like, like, out loud. If he was conscious, he would've heard me. Amy: Gosh. Penny: I know. One of the tennis balls came off his walker and bounced right off his head. I mean, I, I almost wet myself. I guess you had to be there. Amy: I think I have you both beat. Imagine trying to feel like a grown-up when you've never even been with a man. Penny: Okay, s*x is not what makes you a grown-up. Bernadette: Yeah. Or you'd be the oldest one here. Penny: Really? Is that how you talk to your mother? Scene: The apartment. Howard: He just parked. He's on his way up. Leonard: Good. This is exciting. Raj: It is. I feel alive. Leonard: Yeah. What if we do get caught, who cares? So we get banned from Comic-Con. Raj: Maybe slapped with a fine. Howard: Oh, no. I'd be an astronaut and a bad boy, how will women keep their pants on? Raj: Uh, maybe it'll come up when I apply for citizenship. Oh, crap, what if it comes up when I apply for citizenship? Leonard: I wonder if we'd have to disclose something like this when we apply for grants. Raj: He's gonna be here any second, what should we do? Howard: Okay, you guys are such babies. I'll handle this. If he thinks we're not home, he'll go away. Raj: I thought you were a badass. Howard: I lied about the Pepto, I always use the little cup. Scene: An ice cream parlour. Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years? James: It is true. Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing? James: They sure did. Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor? James: That's right. Sheldon: Oh, James, I could listen to your stories all night. Scene: The hotel bar. Penny: I mean, really, what's so great about being grown up? Bernadette: Well, for starters, we'd be splitting this check three ways. Penny: I'm serious. Who wants to do all that stuff? Have insurance, pay mortgages, leave one of those little notes when you hit a parked car. Amy: I told you it was Penny. Penny: Oh, come on, it wasn't me. Anyone could have knocked your mirror off, or whatever happened. Amy: Maybe the guys are right. I mean, we spent the whole night trying to be mature, and it was kind of boring. I'm sure they're having more fun than we are. Scene: The apartment. Banging on door. Howard: Oh, God, I could really use exactly two tablespoons of Pepto right now. Scene: A big wheel. Sheldon: Hey, Los Angeles. I'm on a Ferris Wheel with Darth Vader. And he's nicer than you think. James: I am. Scene: A karaoke bar. Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight... James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh... Sheldon: Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh. James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh... Sceme: Outside a house. Sheldon: I don't understand what we're doing. James: Shh. Sheldon: Whose house is this? James: Carrie Fisher. And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run. (Rings doorbell) Carrie Fisher: It's not funny anymore, James. James: Then why am I laughing? Scene: A sauna. James: Ah, Sheldon, this is the perfect end to a perfect night. Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke. James: What were you trying to ask me at the strip club? Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap? James: No. Something about a convention. Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn't get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist. James: Why don't you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me? Sheldon: Really? James: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I'm taking you every night. Sheldon: Ay-yi-yi. James: Ay-yi-yi, bang-bang. Scene: The same, later. James: So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando's shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool... hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun. Sheldon: I'm sorry, who's Angie Dickinson?

Plan: A: Comic-Con tickets; Q: What do the guys fail to obtain? A: his own comic book convention; Q: What does Sheldon want to create? A: James Earl Jones; Q: Who does Sheldon want to be the celebrity guest at his comic book convention? A: his new event; Q: What does Sheldon want James Earl Jones to be a guest at? A: karaoke; Q: What activity did Sheldon and James Earl Jones do together? A: The Lion Sleeps Tonight; Q: What song do Sheldon and James Earl Jones sing together? A: a sauna; Q: Where did Sheldon and James Earl Jones go after the strip club? A: Jones's company; Q: What does Sheldon get sick of? A: Tijuana; Q: Where does James Earl Jones promise to take Sheldon every night? A: their careers; Q: The guys chicken out of buying tickets to avoid trouble that could affect what? A: a tea room; Q: Where do the girls go to "feel grown-up"? A: the bar; Q: Where do the girls go after the tea room? Summary: After the guys fail to obtain Comic-Con tickets, Sheldon wants to create his own comic book convention. He decides to ask James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader, to be the celebrity guest at his new event. Sheldon finds out where Jones is eating and approaches him. Unlike most of Sheldon's idols, Jones is not turned off by Sheldon's obsessive personality and hero-worship. Jones takes Sheldon out for a night on the town, visiting an ice cream parlor, a carnival, and a strip club, doing karaoke together ("The Lion Sleeps Tonight"), ringing Carrie Fisher's doorbell and running away, and finally visiting a sauna, where Sheldon begins to get somewhat sick of Jones's company. After he learns the guys did not get Comic-Con tickets, Jones invites Sheldon and his friends to be his guests and promises to take Sheldon to Tijuana every night. Meanwhile, Leonard, Raj, and Howard plan to meet with a ticket scalper to get tickets, but chicken out to avoid trouble that could later affect their careers. The girls go to a tea room to "feel grown-up", but only mothers and their daughters are there so they move on to the bar and wonder what is so great about being adults since acting as "proper" grown-ups is quite boring.

RECAP of "The Impossible Astronaut" EXT. VALLEY of the GODS, UTAH, DAY 3 Months Later...July, 1969 AMY is running through the desert, two cars chasing her. She has a pen on a lanyard around her neck. AGENT 1: Suspect directly ahead. CANTON: Coming to you now. Over. AMY stops at the edge of a small ledge. The two cars converge behind her and a number of agents step out, CANTON in front. AMY: Canton. CANTON: Miss Pond. CANTON motions to one of the other agents who spreads something out on the ground. AMY: Is that a body bag? CANTON: Yes, it is. AMY: It's empty. CANTON: How about that. AMY: Do you even know why you're doing this, eh? Can you even remember? The warehouse? [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT AMY helps CANTON while AMY stares at the GIRL in the spacesuit. DOCTOR: Amy! Amy! RORY and RIVER climb up from the tunnels and they all rush for the TARDIS. CANTON: What the hell's going on? DOCTOR: Look behind you. CANTON: There's nothing behind me! DOCTOR: Look! Canton, look! CANTON turns and sees one of the aliens walking towards him. [SCENE_BREAK] CANTON fires and AMY falls to the ground. There are tally marks in pen on her arm. INT. AREA 51, DAY Inside a large hanger, there are armed guards stationed around an open area in the middle. CANTON walks up to it, past signs that read: Do Not Approach The Prisoner. The prisoner in question is the DOCTOR. His hair is longer and he now has a beard. He is in a straightjacket and is chained to a chair. There is a yellow circle painted around him. PA: All visitors to remain behind the yellow line. All visitors to remain behind the yellow line. CANTON: We found Amy Pond. She had strange markings on her arm. (holds up photo) Do you know what they are? (throws the folder closer so the DOCTOR can see it) DOCTOR: Why don't you ask her? CANTON doesn't answer and the DOCTOR realizes what happened. INT. OFFICE BUILDING, NEW YORK CITY, NIGHT RIVER is in an office under construction. She also has tally marks on her arms. She walks through nervously and gasps when she hears a pipe fall. There are more aliens. RIVER: I see you! (takes out pen and marks her arm) I see you! CANTON and his fellow agents arrive. CANTON: Doctor Song. RIVER turns around. CANTON: Doctor Song? RIVER looks back and the aliens are gone. She runs. CANTON: Go, go, go! RIVER stops when she reaches the open side of the building. CANTON: Don't move! It's over! RIVER: They're here, Canton. They're everywhere. CANTON: I know. America's being invaded. RIVER: You were invaded a long time ago. America is occupied. CANTON: You're coming with us, Dr Song. There's no way out, this time. RIVER: There's always a way out. Arms outstretched, RIVER falls backwards out of the building. INT. AREA 51, DAY Two scientists are building a wall of black stone around the DOCTOR. He watches with some interest. CANTON: We found Dr Song. DOCTOR: (watches builders) These bricks, what are they made of? Where is she? CANTON: She ran. Off the 50th floor. DOCTOR: I'd say zero balanced dwarf star alloy. The densest material in the universe. Nothing gets through that. You're building me the perfect prison. (faces CANTON) And it still won't be enough. EXT. GLEN CANYON DAM, AZ, DAY RORY bursts out of a door onto the road across the dam to find both sides blocked by agents. His face, arms and neck are covered with tally marks. He looks over the side, contemplating a jump. He puts up his hands and turns to face CANTON. RORY: What are you waiting for? CANTON: I'm waiting for you to run. (RORY lowers his arms) It'll look better if I shot you while you were running. Then again, looks aren't everything. CANTON raises his gun as RORY closes his eyes. There is a gunshot and RORY falls to the ground. INT. AREA 51, CELL, DAY CANTON walks into the hanger, two soldiers dragging body bags. The DOCTOR'S cell is complete. The soldiers drag the bags inside. DOCTOR: Is there a reason you're doing this? CANTON: I want you to know where you stand. DOCTOR: In a cell. CANTON: In the perfect cell. (the soldiers leave) Nothing can penetrate these walls. Not a sound, not a radio wave. (inserts his fingers into holes in the wall and the door slides shut) Not the tiniest particle of anything. In here, you are literally cut off from the rest of the universe. So I guess they can't hear us, right? DOCTOR: Good work, Canton. Door sealed? CANTON: You bet. The DOCTOR stands and shakes off the chains and removes the straightjacket just as the body bags sit up. The DOCTOR unzips RORY'S bag. DOCTOR: You OK? CANTON helps AMY. AMY: Finally. RORY: These things could really do with air holes. CANTON: Never had a complaint before. The DOCTOR stretches his arms as AMY climbs out of the bag. AMY: Isn't it going to look odd that you're staying in here with us? CANTON: Odd, but not alarming. They know there's no way out of this place. DOCTOR: Exactly. Whatever they might think we're doing in here, they know we're not going anywhere. With a snap of his braces, the DOCTOR leans to the side and on the TARDIS. He snaps his fingers and the doors open. DOCTOR: Shall we? With a smile, AMY follows RORY into the TARDIS. CANTON: (following AMY) What about Dr Song? INT. TARDIS CANTON: She dove off a rooftop! DOCTOR: Don't worry. She does that. (closes TARDIS doors and runs to the console) Amy, Rory, open all the doors to the swimming pool. AMY and RORY go to do as they're told. INT. OFFICE BUILDING, NEW YORK CITY, NIGHT RIVER turns her fall into a dive and goes through the open TARDIS doors. Water splashes up. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR walks around the console, using the controls. DOCTOR: So, we know they're everywhere. Not just a landing party, an occupying force. And they've been here a very, very long time. But nobody knows that, cos no one can remember them. RIVER arrives, drying her hair. CANTON: So what are they up to? DOCTOR: No idea. But the good news is...we've got a secret weapon. The DOCTOR runs to the door. EXT. CAPE KENNEDY, DAY The DOCTOR steps out onto the wetlands followed by the others. RIVER: Apollo 11's your secret weapon? DOCTOR: No, no, it's not Apollo 11, that would be silly. It's Neil Armstrong's foot. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvil "Day of the Moon" by Steven Moffat Producer Marcus Wilson Director Toby Haynes [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GREYSTARK HALL ORPHANAGE, NIGHT In a thunderstorm, a black sedan enters the grounds and pulls up in front of the large building that has seen better days. The radio is on. RADIO: In just a few days mankind will set foot on the moon for the first time. Today the President reaffirmed America's commitment... INT. SEDAN, NIGHT CANTON turns off the radio and looks to AMY in the passenger seat. She is dressed like an agent in a black suit. CANTON: Ready. Check? AMY looks at the palm of her left hand. AMY: Clear. CANTON: (looks at palm) Clear. As AMY gets out of the car, CANTON rubs his left palm with his right index finger. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR injects something into CANTON'S hand. CANTON: Ow! DOCTOR: So, three months, what have we found out? RORY: Well, they are everywhere. Every state in America. (the DOCTOR injects his hand) Ow! DOCTOR: Not just America, the entire world. RIVER: There's a greater concentration here though. The DOCTOR injects AMY. AMY: Ow! DOCTOR: You OK? AMY: All better. DOCTOR: Better? AMY: Turns out I was wrong. I'm not pregnant. RORY walks over. RORY: What's up? AMY: Nothing. Really, nothing, seriously. CANTON: So you've seen them, but you don't remember them. RIVER: You've seen them too. That night at the warehouse, remember? While you were pretending to hunt us down we saw hundreds of those things. We still don't know what they look like. RORY: It's like they edit themselves out of your memory as soon as you look away. The exact second you're not looking at them, you can't remember anything. AMY: Sometimes you feel a bit sick though, but not always. CANTON: So that's why you marked your skin? AMY: Only way we'd know if we'd had an encounter. CANTON: How long have they been here? AMY: That's what we've spent three months trying to find out. RORY: Not easy, if you can't remember anything you discover. CANTON: But how long do you think? DOCTOR: As long as there's been something in the corner of your eye, or creaking in your house, or breathing under your bed, or voices through a wall. They've been running your lives for a very long time now, so keep this straight in your head. We are not fighting an alien invasion, we're leading a revolution. And today the battle begins. CANTON: How? DOCTOR: Like this. (reaches back and injects RIVER) RIVER: Ow! DOCTOR: Ha-ha! Nano recorder. Fuses with the cartilage in your hand. (injects himself) Ow! Then it tunes itself directly to the speech centres in your brain. It'll pick up your voice, no matter what. Telepathic connection. So the moment you see one of the creatures, you activate it. (his palm glows red) And describe aloud exactly what you're seeing. He presses his palm again and playback begins. DOCTOR: (recording) And describe aloud exactly what you're seeing. DOCTOR: Because the moment you break contact, you're going to forget it happened. The light will flash if you've left yourself a message. You keep checking your hand. If you've had an encounter that's the first you'll know about it. CANTON: Why didn't you tell me this before we started? DOCTOR: I did. But even information about these creatures erases itself over time. (presses a few buttons on the console) I couldn't refresh it, cos I couldn't talk to you. CANTON glances over his shoulder and then straightens the DOCTOR'S tie. The others watch him. CANTON: What? What are you staring at? RIVER: Look at your hand. CANTON looks at his palm which is flashing red. CANTON: Why's it doing that? DOCTOR: What does it mean if the light's flashing? What did I just tell you? CANTON: I haven't... DOCTOR: Play it. CANTON presses his palm. CANTON: (recording) My God, how did it get in here? DOCTOR: (recording) Keep eye contact with the creature and when I say, turn back, and when you do, straighten my bow tie. CANTON slowly turns around. CANTON: (recording) What? What are you staring at? RIVER: (recording) Look at your hand. Standing in the TARDIS is one of the aliens. DOCTOR: It's a hologram, extrapolated from a photo on Amy's phone. Take a good long look. (hologram dissipates) You just saw an image of one of the creatures we're fighting. Describe it to me. (snaps his fingers) CANTON: I can't. DOCTOR: No. Neither can I. You straightened my bow tie because I planted the idea in your head while you were looking at the creature. AMY: So they could do that to people. You could be doing stuff and not really knowing why you're doing it. RORY: Like post hypnotic suggestion. AMY: Ruling the world with post hypnotic suggestion. DOCTOR: Now then, a little girl in a space suit. They got the suit from NASA, but where did they get the girl? CANTON: Could be anywhere. DOCTOR: Except they probably stayed close to that warehouse, cos why bother doing anything else? And they take her from somewhere to cause the least amount of attention. But you'll have to find her. I'm off to NASA. The DOCTOR uses the scanner to zoom in on possible coordinates in Florida. CANTON: Find her? Where do we look? DOCTOR: Children's homes. EXT. GREYSTARK HALL ORPHANAGE, NIGHT There's a knock on the door and a man opens it to reveal AMY and CANTON on the doorstep. MAN: Hello. CANTON: (holds up ID) FBI. You must be Dr Renfrew. Can we come in? RENFREW: The children are asleep. AMY: We'll be very quiet. RENFREW: Is there a problem? CANTON: It's about a missing child. RENFREW: What are you...? Yes, yes, come in, please. INT. GREYSTARK HALL ORPHANAGE, NIGHT AMY pushes the door open and they follow RENFREW inside. The architectures shows the house was once beautiful but it is now very dilapidated with paint chipping from the walls as well as signs of damp. Painted on the walls in large red letters are demands such as "GET OUT" and "LEAVE NOW". RENFREW: This way. (leads them upstairs) Please excuse the writing. It keeps happening. I try to clean it up. AMY: It's the kids, yeah? They do that? RENFREW: Yes. The children. It must be, yes. RENFREW reaches out to wipe the wall and AMY and CANTON see "GET OUT" written on his wrist. RENFREW: Anyway, my office is this way. CANTON: We nearly didn't come to this place. I understood Graystark Hall was closed in '67. RENFREW: That's the plan, yes. AMY: The plan? RENFREW: Not long now. CANTON: It's 1969. RENFREW: No, no. We close in '67. That's the plan, yes. CANTON: You misunderstood me, sir. It's 1969 now. RENFREW: Why are you saying that? Of course, it isn't. CANTON: July. RENFREW: My office is this way, this way. (veers off to a smaller stairway) AMY: I'll check upstairs. CANTON: Be careful. CANTON follows RENFREW and AMY continues upstairs. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, ROOM AMY pushes the door open to a dorm room. There are a number of bed frames lined on either side of the room. Painted on the wall is the message "LEAVE ME ALONE". INT. ??? The DOCTOR is working on a myriad of wires when his phone rings. He puts on the earpiece so he can keep working. DOCTOR: Amy? CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - - CUT TO: INT. GREYSTARK HALL, ROOM AMY: I think we've found the place she was taken from. DOCTOR: How do you know? AMY: (over phone) Cos those things have been here. But the whole place is deserted. AMY: There's just one guy here and I think he's lost it. DOCTOR: Repeated memory wipes fry your head eventually. Find out what you can, but don't hang around. AMY: Where are you? DOCTOR: Gotta go! Got company! The DOCTOR ends the call and sits up. The door is open and men are looking in on him. DOCTOR: Don't worry. I put everything back the way I found it. (there's a piece in his hand) Except this. There's always a bit left over, isn't there? The camera pulls out to reveal he is in the Apollo 11 module. We then see the component he was working on give off a steady beep. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, ROOM AMY puts away her phone and continues to walk through the window. The door slams shut behind her and she whirls around wondering of she's alone. She runs for the door and, as she tries the knob, she sees markings on her hand. She turns her hand over and sees red flashing. She presses her palm with her other thumb. AMY: (recording) I can see them, but I think they're asleep. Get out! Just get out! AMY tries the door again then tries the windows. She sees more markings on her hands and the reflection in the window shows marks on her face. She turns around and slowly looks up. There is a mass of the creatures hanging upside-down from the ceiling like bats. She walks towards the door, not taking her eyes off them, and kicks a pail there to catch water. One of the creatures hisses at the noise. AMY reaches her hand to her mouth to leave a message when the door opens. She looks away and all thoughts of the aliens hanging above her are gone. As she leaves the room, one of the aliens stands in the room. INT. LECTURE ROOM, KENNEDY SPACE CENTER The DOCTOR is sitting in a chair, legs crossed even though he is handcuffed. An MP stands behind him as two men question him. MAN 1: One more time, sir. How the hell did you get into the command module? DOCTOR: I told you! I'm on a top secret mission for the President. (bites the chain of the cuffs) MAN 1: Well, maybe if you just get President Nixon to assure us of that, sir, that would be swell. DOCTOR: I sent him a message. The MAN scoffs just as the double doors behind him open and NIXON walks into the room. RORY and RIVER-in period dress--are acting as his aids. Behind them is the TARDIS. NIXON: Hello, I believe it's Mr Gardner, is that correct? Head of security? (shakes his hand) GARDNER: Ah, yes, sir. Yes, Mr President. NIXON: (to MAN 2) Mr Grant, is it? GRANT: Yes, Mr President. (shakes hands) NIXON: The hopes and dreams of millions of Americans stand here today, at Cape Kennedy, and you are the men who guard those dreams. On behalf of the American people, I thank you. GARDNER: You're welcome, Mr President. NIXON: I understand you have a baby on the way, Mr Grant? GRANT: Yes, Mr President. NIXON: What are you hoping for, a boy or a girl? GRANT: Just a healthy American, sir. NIXON: A healthy American will do just nicely. (gives GRANT a friendly shoulder punch) Now, fellas, listen. This man here-- codename, The Doctor--is doing some work for me, personally. Could you cut him a little slack? GARDNER: Er, Mr President, he did break into Apollo 11. The DOCTOR mouths "Sorry". NIXON: Well, I'm sure he had a very good reason for that. But I need you to release him now, so he can get on with some very important work for the American people. Could you do that for me? GRANT: Well... NIXON: Son, I am your Commander-in-Chief. GARDNER: Then I guess that would be fine, Mr President. NIXON: Glad to hear it. The MP unlocks the handcuffs and the DOCTOR stands. DOCTOR: Thank you! (shakes GRANT'S hand) Bye-bye. (shakes GARDNER'S hand and heads for the TARDIS) NIXON: Carry on, gentlemen. (follows the DOCTOR and RIVER) RORY accidentally breaks off a piece of the model lunar module sitting on the desk. When he can't fit it back on, he slips the piece on the desk. RORY: (clears throat) America salutes you. RORY salutes them in the British fashion (palm facing outwards) before joining the others and closing the doors. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, REFREW'S OFFICE, NIGHT As RENFREW sits at his desk, CANTON searches the filing cabinets. CANTON: This place, it's been closed for years. What have you been doing? RENFREW: Oh, the child, she must be cared for. It's important. That's what they said. CANTON: That's what who said? INT. GREYSTARK HALL, HALLWAY, NIGHT AMY searches the halls upstairs, shining her torch. She hears a metal clink and looks ahead. A WOMAN with an eye patch peers through an opening in the door. AMY: Hello. Who are you? WOMAN: (possibly to someone inside) No, I think she's just dreaming. The window slides shut. After a slight pause, AMY goes to the door and opens it to find a small nursery that still looks like it's been occupied recently. AMY: Hello? I saw you, looking through the hatch... AMY looks back at the door and there is no sign of a small hatch. She rubs her hand along the door and checks the back of it. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, GIRL'S ROOM, NIGHT AMY walks inside and sees stuffed animals on the bed, a mobile hanging from the light and framed photographs on the bureau. All of them are of the GIRL at various ages. One hidden in the back catches AMY'S eye. She picks it up. It is her holding a baby. AMY: How? How can that be me? She puts the picture down with shaking hands and turns just as the astronaut enters the room. AMY: Who are you? I don't understand, so just tell me who you are! The astronaut lifts the visor and it is still the GIRL. The inner visor is cracked from the bullet when AMY shot her. AMY: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shoot you. I'm glad I missed. But you killed The Doctor. You're going to kill him. But who are you? Just please tell me, because I don't understand! GIRL: Please help me. Help me, please. Two of the creatures enter the room. AMY screams and the door slams shut. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, REFREW'S OFFICE, NIGHT There is a thumping and RENFREW goes to answer the door. He opens it a crack and speaks to the person outside. RENFREW: It's just some questions. Yes, I see. (closes door and sits back down) CANTON: Who was that? Doctor Renfrew? Who was that? RENFREW: Who was who? CANTON walks to the door but stops when it opens and a creature enters. CANTON: What are you? You can tell me. (activates recorder) Cos I won't remember. You invaded us. You're everywhere. AMY: (distant) Help me! Canton, please will you help me?! CANTON: Are you armed? CREATURE: This world is ours. We have ruled it since the wheel and the fire. We have no need of weapons. CANTON: Yeah? (takes out revolver and shoots it three times) Welcome to America. (heads down the hall) Amy! INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT NIXON is sitting and his desk and the DOCTOR is walking to the TARDIS. DOCTOR: You have to tape everything that happens in this office, every word, or we won't know if you're under the influence. NIXON: Doctor, you have to give me more than this. What were you doing to Apollo 11? DOCTOR: A thing. A clever thing. No more questions. You have to trust me and nobody else. RIVER opens the TARDIS door. RIVER: Doctor, it's Canton! Quick, he needs us! The DOCTOR runs into the TARDIS and it dematerializes. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GREYSTARK HALL, HALLWAY, NIGHT CANTON has arrived in the same upstairs hallway. AMY: Help me! Please, I can't, I can't see! Somebody help me! CANTON tries to break down the door. CANTON: Amy! (pounds on the door) Amy, can you hear me? Amy, I'm going to try to blow the lock. I need you to stand back. Just as CANTON raises his gun, the DOCTOR, RORY and RIVER arrive. DOCTOR: OK, gun down, I've got it! Amy, we're here. Are you OK? (uses the sonic on the lock) AMY: I can't see! The DOCTOR opens the door and they go in. Down the hall, hiding, pressed against the wall, is the GIRL. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, GIRL'S ROOM, NIGHT They enter the room but AMY isn't there. On the floor is the spacesuit. RORY: Where is she, Doctor? The DOCTOR scans the suit with the sonic and RIVER opens the visor. RIVER: It's empty. AMY: It's dark, it's so dark. I don't know where I am. Please, can anybody hear me? The DOCTOR looks down and finds the nanorecorder blinking on the floor. RORY picks it up. RORY: They took this out of her? How did they do that, Doctor? AMY sobs come over the recorder. RORY: Why can I still hear her? RIVER: Is it a recording? DOCTOR: (scans the recorder) It defaults to live. This is current. Wherever she is right now, this is what she's saying. RORY: (speaks into recorder) Amy, can you hear me? We're coming for you. Wherever you are, we're coming, I swear. DOCTOR: She can't hear you. I'm so sorry. It's one way. RORY: She can always hear me, Doctor. Always, wherever she is. She always knows that I am coming for her, do you understand me? Always. AMY: (recorder) Doctor, are you out there? Can you hear me? Doctor? Oh, God. Please, please, Doctor, just get me out of this. RORY: (into recorder) He's coming. I'll bring him, I swear. RENFREW: Hello, is someone in there? Who? I think someone has been shot. I think we should help. We... I can't... I can't remember. INT. GREYSTARK HALL, REFREW'S OFFICE, NIGHT RENFREW leads them back to his office where the creature is on the floor. It backs away as the DOCTOR kneels and reaches out. DOCTOR: OK. Who and what are you? SILENCE: Silence, Doctor. (holding its wound) We are the Silence. The DOCTOR flashes back to his past where the Silence has been mentioned ("The Eleventh Hour" "Vampires of Venice") SILENCE: And silence will fall. INT. AREA 51, DAY The cell door opens and the soldiers aim their guns. CANTON strolls out. CANTON: Hello again. SOLDIER: Sir, you've been in there for days. What the hell have you been doing? CANTON: Doesn't matter. I need Dr Shepherd here right now. SOLDIER: Sir, I need to talk to Colonel Jefferson right now! CANTON: No, you really don't. NIXON steps out of the cell and the soldiers snap to attention. NIXON: Hi, fellas. I'm President Nixon. I want to tell you, on behalf of the American people, how much we appreciate all of your hard work. INT. WAREHOUSE The DOCTOR and RIVER are examining the spacesuit. A small black-and-white TV is playing the news. TV: The target for the Apollo 11 astronauts, the moon, at lift off, will be at a distance of 218,096 miles away. We're just past the two minute mark on the countdown. T minus one minute 54 seconds and counting... RIVER: It's an exo-skeleton. Basically, life support. There's about 20 different kinds of alien tech in here. DOCTOR: Who was she? Why put her in here? RIVER: Put this on, you don't even need to eat. The suit processes sunlight directly. It's got built in weaponry and a communications system that can hack into anything. DOCTOR: Including the telephone network? RIVER: Easily. DOCTOR: Why phone the President? RIVER: It defaults to the highest authority it can find. The little girl gets frightened, the most powerful man on Earth gets a phone call. The night terrors with a hotline to the White House. RIVER looks up to see the DOCTOR sniffing her envelope and then licking it. RIVER: You won't learn anything from that envelope, you know. DOCTOR: Purchased on Earth, perfectly ordinary stationery, TARDIS blue. Summoned by a stranger who won't even show his face. That's a first for me. How about you? RIVER: Our lives are back to front. Your future's my past, your firsts are my lasts. DOCTOR: Not really what I asked. RIVER: Ask something else then. DOCTOR: What are the Silence doing? Raising a child? RIVER: Keeping her safe. Even giving her independence. DOCTOR: The only way to save Amy is to work out what the Silence are doing. RORY: I know. DOCTOR: Every single thing we learn about them brings us a step closer. RORY: Yeah, Doctor, I get it, I know. DOCTOR: Of course, it's possible she's not just any little girl. RIVER: Well, I'd say she's human, going by the life support software. DOCTOR: But? RIVER: She climbed out of this suit. Like she forced her way out. She must be incredibly strong. DOCTOR: Incredibly strong and running away. I like her. RIVER: We should be trying to find her. DOCTOR: Yes, I know, but how? Anyway, I have the strangest feeling she's going to find us. TV: This is Houston, do you read? Over. RORY: Why does it look like a NASA space suit? DOCTOR: (walks to TV) Because that's what the Silence do. Think about it. They don't make anything themselves. They don't have to. They get other life forms to do it for them. RIVER: So they're parasites then? DOCTOR: Super parasites. Standing in the shadows of human history since the very beginning. We know they can influence human behaviour any way they want. If they've been doing that on a global scale for thousands of years... RORY: Then what? DOCTOR: Then why did the human race suddenly decide to go to the moon? TV: Ten, nine, ignition sequence start, six, five, four... DOCTOR: Because the Silence needed a space suit. TV: ..one, zero, all engines on. Lift off. We have a lift off. 32 minutes past the hour, lift off on Apollo 11. INT. AREA 51, CELL, DAY Dr SHEPHERD examines the SILENCE. SHEPHERD: My God! What is it? CANTON: It's just an alien, Dr Shepherd. SHEPHERD: Someone's already been treating it. CANTON: Yeah. You've been treating it. SHEPHERD: Does Colonel Jefferson know this thing is here? CANTON: No. SHEPHERD: Then I'm going to tell him right now! (gets up and looks away from the SILENCE) CANTON: Again? SHEPHERD: Sorry, what? CANTON: Exactly. SHEPHERD: Sergeant, why was I called in here for no reason? (exits cell) SILENCE: You tend to my wounds. You are foolish. CANTON has taken out AMY'S phone and is using it to record. CANTON: Why? What you do in my place? SILENCE: We have ruled your lives since your lives began. You should kill us all on sight, but you will never remember we were even here. Your will is ours. CANTON: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but thanks, it's exactly what I needed to hear. This is a video phone, whatever a video phone is. CANTON ends the recording and sends the file to the DOCTOR. INT. WAREHOUSE The DOCTOR opens the video on RIVER'S handheld. SILENCE: (video) You should kill us all on sight. RORY is off to the side listening to AMY'S sobs over the nano-recorder. RIVER scans the spacesuit and the hand/glove twitches. RIVER: This suit, it seems to be repairing itself. How is it doing that? RORY sits on the floor, his back against a packing crate. RIVER: Doctor, a unit like this, would it ever be able to move without an occupant? DOCTOR: Why? RIVER: Well, the little girl said the space man was coming to eat her. Maybe that's exactly what happened. AMY begins to speak and RORY lifts his head. The DOCTOR also hears but leaves RORY alone. AMY: (recorder) I love you. I know you think it's him. I know you think it ought to be him. But it's not, it's you. And when I see you again, I'm going tell you properly, just to see your stupid face. My life was so boring before you just dropped out of the sky. (RORY drops his head) So just get your stupid face where I can see it. OK? OK? The DOCTOR sits beside RORY. DOCTOR: She'll be safe for now. No point in a dead hostage. RORY: Can't you save her? DOCTOR: I can track that signal back. Take us right to her. RORY: Then why haven't you? DOCTOR: Because then what? I find her, and then what do I do? This isn't an alien invasion. They live here. This is their empire. This is kicking the Romans out of Rome. RORY: Rome fell. DOCTOR: I know. I was there. RORY: So was I. DOCTOR: Personal question. RORY: Seriously? You? DOCTOR: Do you ever remember it? 2,000 years, waiting for Amy? The Last Centurion? RORY: No. DOCTOR: Are you lying? RORY: Course I'm lying. DOCTOR: Course you are. Not the sort of thing anyone forgets. RORY: But I don't remember it all the time. It's like there's... a door in my head. I can keep it shut. AMY: (recorder) Please come and get me. Come and get me. (sobs) The DOCTOR stands and listens. INT. OVAL OFFICE, DAY One of the aides switches on the TV and the Apollo 11 broadcast. TV: Just five days since Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, INT. BAR, DAY The patrons are gathered around the TV. TV: ...this unprecedented journey is reaching its crucial moment. Armstrong and Aldrin are making their descent to the surface of the moon. On the ground, you've got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. INT. SILENCE SHIP, DAY AMY wakes, a bright light in her eyes. She is strapped to one of the tables tilted upright. AMY: Where am I? Where is this? One of the SILENCE turns to face her. SILENCE: You are Amelia Pond. AMY: You're ugly, has anyone mentioned that to you? SILENCE: We do you honour. You will bring the Silence. But your part will soon be over. AMY: Whatever that means, you've made a big mistake bringing me here, because wait till you see what's coming for you now. SILENCE: You have been here many days. AMY: No. I just got here. You just put me in here. SILENCE: Your memory is weak. You have been here many days. AMY: No. No, I can't have been. SILENCE: You will sleep now. Sleep. (leans over her) AMY: No! No! Get off me! SILENCE: Sleep. AMY: No! No! The TARDIS materializes. The SILENCE turn to stare at it as the DOCTOR, RIVER and RORY step out. The DOCTOR is carrying a TV. RIVER has her gun out. DOCTOR: Oh! Interesting. Very Aickman Road, seen one of these before. Abandoned, wonder how that happened. Oh, well! I suppose I'm about to find out. Rory, River, keep one Silent in eyeshot at all times. Oh, hello, sorry. You're in the middle of something. Just had to say though, have you seen what's on the telly? Hello, Amy, you all right? Want to watch some television? (sets the TV on the console) Ah, now, stay where you are. Because look at me, I'm confident. You want to watch that, me, when I'm confident. Oh, and this is my friend, River. Nice hair, clever, has own gun, and unlike me, she really doesn't mind shooting people. I shouldn't like that. Kind of do. RIVER: Thank you, sweetie. DOCTOR: I know you're team players and everything, but she'll definitely kill at least the first three of you. RIVER moves so that she and the DOCTOR are standing back-to-back. RIVER: The first seven, easily. DOCTOR: Seven, really? RIVER: Oh, eight for you, honey. DOCTOR: Stop it. RIVER: Make me! DOCTOR: Yeah, well, maybe I will. AMY: Is this really important, flirting? I feel like I should be higher on the list right now. DOCTOR: Yes, right, sorry. As I was saying, my naughty friend here is going kill the first three of you to attack, plus him behind. So maybe you want to draw lots, or have a quiz. RORY is trying to free AMY. AMY: What's he got? RORY: Something, I hope. DOCTOR: (walks around the console) Or maybe you could just listen a minute, because all I really want to do is accept your total surrender, and then I'll let you go in peace. You've been interfering in human history for thousands of years. People have suffered and died. But what's the point in two hearts, if you can't be a bit forgiving now and then. (stares into the leader's face) Ooh! The Silence. You guys take that seriously, don't you? OK, you got me, I'm lying. I'm not really going to let you go that easily. Nice thought, but it's not Christmas. First, (turns on TV) you tell me about the girl. Who is she? Why is she important? What's she for? Guys, sorry. But you're way out of time. Now, come on, a bit of history for you. Aren't you proud, because you helped? (pulls out the TV antennae) Do you know how many people are watching this live on the telly? Half a billion, and that's nothing, because the human race will spread out among the stars, you just watch them fly. Billions and billions of them, for billions and billions of years. And every single one of them, at some point in their lives, will look back at this man, taking that very first step, and they will never, ever forget it. The Doctor stops and watches as the moon landing unfolds. DOCTOR: Oh. (takes out phone) But they'll forget this bit. (into phone) Ready? INT. AREA 51, CELL, DAY CANTON: Ready. CANTON presses AMY'S phone against the phone the DOCTOR had given him. INT. APOLLO 11 MODULE The device the DOCTOR hooked up earlier is triggered. INT. SILENCE SHIP, DAY TV: It's one small step for man... The broadcast is interrupted with the video of the SILENCE that CANTON had shot earlier. It is on a loop and keeps repeating. Those in the Oval Office and the bar see the recording and remember. DOCTOR: You've given the order for your own execution, and the whole planet just heard you. TV: One giant leap for mankind. DOCTOR: And one whacking great kick up the backside for the Silence! INT. BAR, DAY The patrons turn on the SILENCE in the bar. DOCTOR: (V.O.) You just raised an army against yourself. INT. OVAL OFFICE, DAY PETERSON turns and draws on the SILENCE standing in the doorway. DOCTOR: (V.O.) And now, for a thousand generations, you're going to be ordering them to destroy you every day. INT. SILENCE SHIP, DAY DOCTOR: How fast can you run? Because today's the day the human race throw you off their planet. (the leader advances on the DOCTOR who backs away) They won't even know they're doing it. I think, quite possibly the word you're looking for right now is, "Oops!" Run! Guys, I mean us! Run! The SILENCE begin to draw on their engery. RIVER starts to fire. The DOCTOR uses his sonic to keep them back. RORY: I can't get her out! AMY: Go, just go! RORY: We are not leaving without you! AMY: Will you just get your stupid face out of here?! RORY stops and looks up at AMY. RIVER: Right, into the TARDIS, quickly! The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the straps and frees AMY. RORY helps AMY to the TARDIS while RIVER and the DOCTOR cover them. DOCTOR: Don't let them build to full power!! RIVER: I know. There's a reason why I'm shooting, honey! What are you doing? DOCTOR: Helping. RIVER: You've got a screwdriver. Go build a cabinet! DOCTOR: That's really rude! RIVER: Shut up and drive! The DOCTOR goes into the TARDIS and RIVER spins and fires at the SILENCE, killing them all. She ends in a crouch. She slowly stands. RORY is in the TARDIS doorway, staring at her in amazement. She twirls her gun into its holster. RIVER: My old fella didn't see that, did he? He gets ever so cross. RORY: So, what kind of doctor are you? CANTON: Archaeology. Without looking, RIVER pulls out her gun and fires at the SILENCE behind her. RIVER: Love a tomb.(enters TARDIS) INT. TARDIS RIVER pushes the DOCTOR out of the way and works the controls. DOCTOR: You can let me fly it! RIVER: Or we could go where we're supposed to. AMY walks down to steps to RORY by the door. AMY: What's the matter with you? RORY: You called me stupid. AMY: I always call you stupid. RORY: No, but... my face. AMY reaches out and opens RORY'S hand to reveal her recorder. RORY: I wasn't sure who you were talking about. You know, me, or... AMY: Him? RORY: Well, you did say, "Dropped out of the sky." AMY: It's a figure of speech, moron! AMY pulls RORY into a kiss. RORY: Thanks. AMY: You're welcome. INT. OVAL OFFICE, DAY NIXON shakes the DOCTOR'S hand. NIXON: So we're safe again. DOCTOR: Safe? No, of course you're not safe. There's a billion other things out there, waiting to burn your whole world. But if you want to pretend you're safe, just so you can sleep at night, OK, you're safe. But you're not really. (turns to CANTON) Canton. Till the next one, eh? (shake hands) CANTON: Looking forward to it. DOCTOR: (to NIXON) Canton just wants to get married. Helluva reason to kick him out of the FBI. NIXON: I'm sure something can be arranged. DOCTOR: I'm counting on you. NIXON: Er, Doctor... Canton here tells me you're... from the future. Hardly seems possible, but I was wondering... DOCTOR: Should warn you, I don't answer a lot of questions. NIXON: But I'm a President at the beginning of his time. Dare I ask? Will I be remembered? DOCTOR: Oh, Dickie. Tricky Dickie. They're never going to forget you. (heads for the TARDIS) Say hi to David Frost for me. NIXON: David Frost? NIXON and CANTON watch as they enter the TARDIS and it dematerializes. NIXON: This person you want to marry. Black? CANTON: Yes. NIXON: Hmm. I know what people think of me, but perhaps I am a little more liberal. CANTON: He is. NIXON: I think the moon is far enough for now, don't you, Mr Delaware? CANTON: I figured it might be. INT. STORMCAGE The TARDIS is in the hall as the DOCTOR says goodbye to RIVER by her open cell. DOCTOR: You could come with us. RIVER: I escape often enough, thank you. And I have a promise to live up to. You'll understand, soon enough. DOCTOR: OK, up to you. (walks to the TARDiS) See you next time. Call me. RIVER: What, that's it? What's the matter with you? DOCTOR: (walks back) Have I forgotten something? RIVER: Oh, shut up. RIVER kisses him and the DOCTOR waves his arms about as if he doesn't know what to do. DOCTOR: Right. OK. Interesting. RIVER: What's wrong? You're acting like we've never done that before. DOCTOR: We haven't. RIVER: We haven't? DOCTOR: Oh, look at the time, must be off. (backs away to the TARDIS) But it was very nice. It was good. It was unexpected. You know what they say, there's a first time for everything. (enters TARDIS) RIVER: And a last time. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: Rory, I'm going to need thermo couplings. The green ones and the blue ones. RORY: OK, hold on. (heads off) DOCTOR: So. AMY: So? DOCTOR: You're OK? AMY: Fine. Head's a bit weird. There's lots of stuff I can't quite remember. (flashes to the photo and what happened in the orphanage) DOCTOR: After effect of the Silence. Natural enough. That's not what I was asking. You told me you were pregnant. AMY: Yes. DOCTOR: Why? AMY: Because I was. I thought I was. Turns out I wasn't. DOCTOR: No. Why did you tell me? AMY: You're my friend. You're my best friend. DOCTOR: Did you tell Rory? In another section of the TARDIS, RORY still has AMY's recorder and can hear everything. AMY: (recorder) No. DOCTOR: (recorder) Amy, why tell me and not Rory? AMY: Why do you think? I travelled with you in this TARDIS for so long. All that time. If I was pregnant for some of it, wouldn't it have had an effect? AMY: (recorder) I don't want to tell Rory, this baby might have three heads, or like a time head or something. DOCTOR: What's a time head? AMY: I don't know, but what if it had one? DOCTOR: A time head? AMY: Shut up, all right! They laugh. AMY: (recorder) Oi! Stupid face. RORY: (makes his way back to the console) Er, yeah. Hello. AMY: (sees the recorder) Taking that away from you, if you're going to listen in all the time. RORY: OK, that's a fair point. But you should've told me that you thought you were pregnant. I'm a nurse, I'm good with pregnancy. AMY: Not, as it turns out, that good. So can you stop being stupid? (hugs RORY) RORY: Er, no. Never. I'm never, ever going to stop being stupid! DOCTOR: So, this little girl, it's all about her. Who was she? Or we could just go off and have some adventures. Anyone in the mood for adventures? I am. You only live once. AMY and RORY share a look as the DOCTOR fiddles with the scanner controls. He smiles at AMY and looks back to the scanner. The TARDIS is performing a full-body scan on AMY, testing for pregnancy. The results keep switching between positive and negative. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, ALLEY, NIGHT SIX MONTHS LATER... A homeless MAN is searching through dumpsters. The GIRL appears wearing a thin coat. She coughs. The MAN turns at the sound of her cough. MAN: Are you OK? Little girl... are you OK? GIRL: It's all right. It's quite all right. I'm dying... but I can fix that. It's easy, really. See? The GIRL holds her hands out and they begin to glow. She giggles and the MAN runs away. The glow spreads and she throws her arms out and her head back as she regenerates.

Plan: A: Amy's shot; Q: What missed? A: the Silence; Q: What creatures are Amy, Rory, and River searching for? A: Area 51; Q: Where are the Doctor and the TARDIS being held? A: humans; Q: Who do the Silence implant post-hypnotic suggestions in? A: the orphanage; Q: Where did Amy and Canton visit? A: the little girl; Q: Who is dying? A: the little girl's room; Q: Where did Amy find a picture of herself with a baby? A: the Silence's base; Q: Where does the Doctor find Amy? A: all humans; Q: Who does the Doctor instruct to attack the Silence? A: an effect; Q: What did Amy fear the TARDIS would have on her child? A: Six months later; Q: When does the Doctor scan Amy? A: New York City; Q: Where does the little girl regenerate? Summary: Amy's shot had missed and she, Rory, and River spend three months searching for the creatures, the Silence , while the Doctor and the TARDIS are held in Area 51 . The group reunites and discuss the Silence, which have been found throughout America and have the ability to implant post-hypnotic suggestions in humans. Amy and Canton visit the orphanage where the little girl was kept. Amy finds a picture of herself with a baby in the little girl's room before she is kidnapped by the Silence. Canton wounds a Silent in the Doctor's prison and records it taunting him, "you should kill us all on sight." The Doctor tracks down Amy in the Silence's base and shows them the live broadcast of the moon landing. He implants Canton's recording of the Silence into the footage, instructing all humans to attack the Silence. Later, Amy tells the Doctor that she was afraid travelling on the TARDIS would have an effect on the possible development of her child; Amy denies that she is actually pregnant but the Doctor initiates a scan. Six months later in New York City, the little girl is dying but reveals that she can regenerate .

ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier is doing his show. Hank: [v.o.] So, Dr. Crane, I just don't know what to do about my weight. I've tried diet after diet, from the "milkshakes three times a day" to that scary bald-headed lady on TV. Nothing seems to work. Frasier: Hank, listen to me. You've got to look inside yourself. There is a part of you that isn't being fed. Hank: Well, it certainly isn't my butt. Frasier: Yes, well, I'm talking about your inner self. What isn't being fed there? Love, career, simple self-esteem? There are deeper issues at work here. Hank: So, so what do I do? Frasier: Well, I'd suggest extended therapy. Please stay on the line, and my producer Roz will refer you to the help you need. Roz, who's our next call? Roz: We have someone on line one who disagrees with your advice to Hank. Frasier: Ah, really? [pushes button] Hello, you're on the line. Lilith: [v.o.] Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. Frasier goes rigid. Roz watches with delight. Lilith: You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways. Frasier: Lilith? Lilith: Overeating is very simply a behavioral problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behavior modification. Frasier: I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith. Lilith: What do you mean by "celebrity?" Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you. [hits the cough button] Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean? Roz: It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear. Frasier: [lets go of button] Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle - the constant rain? Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser. Roz is cracking up, obviously loving every minute of this. Frasier: Well, I guess you'll be rushing off to your little convention now, and I suppose we'll just have to catch up on your next trip. Lilith: Actually, I'm not doing anything for dinner tonight. Frasier: Really? Well, then you'll want to keep your dial tuned to 780 for Gil Chesterton's "Restaurant Beat." Roz: Why don't you ask her out to dinner, Dr. Crane? Frasier hits the cough button again and gives Roz a glare that would melt through lead. She just grins at him. He lets go of the button. Frasier: What a wonderful idea! [takes a piece of paper and a Magic Marker and starts writing] And let me tell you why, Seattle. You see, even though our marriage was unsuccessful, Lilith and I are quite capable of conducting ourselves as adults, and even enjoying spending some time together, from time to time. So, Lilith, seven at my place? Lilith: Sounds great. Frasier slams the paper against the glass of Roz's booth. It says, "You're FIRED!!" She holds up a manila folder on which is scribbled, "I'M UNION." Frasier seethes. [SCENE_BREAK] THE RETURN OF THE MAGNIFICENT STERNIN Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment It's evening. Frasier is setting the table for dinner. Martin is standing next to him, Niles is on the couch. Martin: In my day, when two people broke up you were mad, you were angry, you hated each other! Whatever happened to the sanctity of divorce? Frasier: Dad, you never liked Lilith. Martin: She's weird. Frasier: She is not weird. Martin: Oh, she's weird. Frasier: Well, maybe she's a little strange. Martin: No, [points to Niles] Maris is a little strange. Lilith is weird. Niles: Gee whiz, Dad, I had no idea you preferred my wife to Frasier's. Daphne comes out of the kitchen holding a cold beer can to her forehead. Daphne: Oh, my head! Frasier: Can I get you an aspirin, Daphne? Daphne: Oh, no, no, I'm afraid those are useless. This is one of my psychic headaches. There's some kind of negative force out there. I only get these when there's a clawing at the cosmic continuum. She hands the beer to Martin and heads back to the kitchen. Niles gets up and hops over the coffee table. Niles: Perhaps if someone rubbed your temples... Frasier: Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship. Niles: Frasier, I must tell you, I'm here for support, but I will not speak to Lilith. Frasier: Oh, Niles, this ongoing feud between you and Lilith is ridiculous! Let it go, it was years ago. Martin: I can't even remember what the fight was about in the first place. Niles: Well, let me refresh you! At our wedding, while Maris was reciting her vows - which she wrote herself - vows of love from the heart, I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith, her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer. The doorbell rings. Frasier: All right, now, now, there she is. All right, now-now listen, it's just one evening out of your life. Will you at least try to be civil? Niles: All right, but I refuse to be warm. Frasier goes to the door, and glances back to make sure everything is okay. Niles and Martin are standing uncomfortably side by side. Frasier opens the door. There is Lilith, much as we remember her - hair done up in a bun, pale complexion, and a conservative but elegant dress. However, she is smiling, and maybe a little nervous. Frasier: Hello, Lilith. Lilith: Frasier. Frasier: Please come in. She steps in. They start to shake hands, then decide to hug. Frasier: [taking her purse and coat] Here, let me take these things for you. There we are. Oh, look who's here. Lilith: Hello, Martin. Hello, Niles. Niles/Martin: [flat, toneless] Hello. Lilith: [looks around] Where's Maris? Niles: She's visiting her sister in Chicago. Lilith: Oh. I thought perhaps she was sailing up the transplendent river of your love. Lilith smirks. Niles's jaw drops with outrage. Lilith: Frasier, I like what you've done with your apartment. Frasier: Thank you. Lilith: You have beautiful things. Frasier: The settlement is final, Lilith. Lilith sits on the couch. Eddie jumps up beside her. Lilith: Go away. Eddie jumps off the couch and runs away. Frasier: Why does he listen to you, and not to me? Lilith: By the tone of my voice, he senses I mean business. Frasier: Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is? Martin: Hell, I took a half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog. Daphne comes out of the kitchen, still moaning. Daphne: Oh, hello - I've never had a throbbing like this! Frasier: Daphne, um, this is my ex-wife, Dr. Lilith Sternin. Lilith, this is Daphne Moon, my dad's physical therapist. Daphne and Lilith shake hands. Lilith: It's nice to meet you. Daphne: An equal pleasure. [turning back to Frasier; whispering] When I shook hands with that woman, I lost all feeling in my arm! Niles heads for the hallway. Niles: Frasier, I'm going to pop into your bedroom and use the phone. Maris was developing some sniffles, I just want to make sure she's taking in enough liquids. Lilith: Isn't it enough that she's eternally sipping from the font of your perpetual adoration? Lilith smirks again. Niles turns around, with a "That does it!" expression. Frasier signals him, "Not here!" Niles exits. Lilith: Martin, I'm especially delighted to see you here tonight. Martin: [gripping his cane a little closer] Oh yeah? Lilith: Oh yes. Knowing as I do the history of your relationship with Frasier, when I heard that he'd taken you in, I immediately flipped to the weather channel to see if hell had indeed frozen over. Martin: Frasier, how'd you let ever this little peach get away? Frasier: Well, I think dinner's just about ready. Why don't we move to the table. Lilith and Martin get up and sit at the dinner table. Niles also comes back and sits down. Frasier: So, Lilith, how is Frederick? Lilith: Well, as you know, I've enrolled him in that chess camp in the Berkshires. It's really quite stimulating. For eight hours a day, he sits in a large auditorium, with 300 other children, mastering the Alhausen-Grob Opening. Martin: Well, he's in the mountains. Shouldn't he be out there in the fresh air? Lilith: Every day after lunch they go for a nature walk. Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven different varieties of ivy, so he has to wear long sleeves, and long pants... a bonnet with a net on it. Frasier: Boy, I sure hope the other campers don't make fun of him. Martin: Oh, I'm sure they don't. You know how kind kids can be. Hell, all he needs is a birthmark on his forehead, and they'd beat him to death with a shovel! [SCENE_BREAK] LOOK WHAT I FOUND WITH THE DUST BUNNIES Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment After dinner, Martin is sitting in his armchair. As Frasier and Niles watch, Lilith analyzes him. Daphne is holding an icepack to her head. Martin: So, I chased this guy down a dark alley, and when he got to the end he turned and pulled a knife on me. So I gave him a couple of good shots with my nightstick. Lilith: Fascinating. I have to ask, were you at all aware of any repressed sexual urges while you were pummeling him so mercilessly? Martin: Yeah, but I didn't put 'em in the report. Lilith: You're having some fun at my expense, aren't you? Martin: Not much. [gets up] In fact, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. Frasier: Goodnight, Dad. Daphne: Oh, well, if you don't need me any longer, I think I'll be shuffling off as well. Frasier: Well, goodnight. Daphne: [to Lilith] It was a pleasure meeting you. By the way, how many days will you be staying in Seattle? Lilith: Just through the weekend. Daphne: Well, enjoy your stay. [heads to her room] I'll be dead by Saturday night, I know it! Niles: Well, I guess I'll say my goodbyes as well. Goodnight, Frasier. [ignores Lilith] Frasier: Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows. Lilith: I simply responded with the genuine spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. [Frasier motions her to try harder] But, if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize. Niles: [overjoyed] Oh, Lilith, thank you! [hugs her tight] Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me! Niles leaves. Lilith looks at Frasier. Frasier: He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see. Lilith: Well, it's just the two of us. Frasier: Yes. It's the first time we've been alone together since the lawyers put us in that room and said, "Don't come out until there's some resolution." Lilith: Yes, well, this was nice. Frasier: Yes it was, wasn't it? They go out onto the balcony. Lilith: You have a beautiful view. Frasier: Well, it's a beautiful city. I hope you enjoy your convention. Lilith: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier. There is no convention. I'm here because of the letter. Frasier: The letter? What letter? Lilith: You know very well what letter. The one you left in the apartment last month when you were home to visit Frederick, the one proposing we get back together. Surely you didn't forget? Lilith leads him back in and takes a letter from her purse. Lilith: [reading] "My darling, how could a love like ours have fallen so far from grace? There must be some part of your heart that still resounds to the rhythm of my own. I fear that I'll be lost without you. As long as we have love, love will keep us together." Aside from the shameless pilfering from the Captain and Tenille, I was moved by your entreaty. I felt the same way, and yet I felt the need to create this pretense of arriving here for a convention, because I was still torn and unable to commit myself. But seeing you now, I realize how much I've missed you. Frasier: Lilith, I did write that letter, and I did leave it in the apartment, but... Lilith: Yes? Frasier: It wasn't last month. It was nearly a year ago. It's before I moved to Seattle. You just found it now? Lilith: [deflated] It had fallen behind the dresser. Frasier: Well, I see the cleaning service is still doing its usual bang-up job. In a hurry, Lilith grabs her coat and purse. Lilith: Well, don't I feel like the perfect fool? Frasier: Listen, Lilith- Lilith: Here I am, humiliated, emotionally drained, and I've used up all my frequent flier miles! Frasier: Lilith, please! Lilith: No, Frasier, please, there's nothing else to say. I'd like to leave with at least a shred of dignity. She exits out the front door and closes it behind her. Unfortunately, she closes it on her purse string, trapping her purse inside. For a few moments, she pathetically tries to pull the purse up and through the crack in the door, then rings the bell. Frasier opens the door. Lilith: Thank you. She leaves. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Café Nervosa Frasier and Niles are sitting at a corner table. Frasier hands Niles the letter. Frasier: I wrote this letter just before I came to Seattle hoping for a reconciliation. She only just now found it. Niles: Didn't the Captain and Tenille sing this? Frasier: Like they own those five words! You know, I-I got over her, I moved out here. She comes back and I wonder if I made the right decision. I did write that letter. Niles: It appears you have come to some sort of a crossroads. Frasier: Oh, that's a nice tidy little way of saying I'm in hell. Niles, I have a life here that suits me, and yet I can't help wondering if there is still some chance for reconciliation, if it's worth exploring the feelings that-that I'm feeling. Do you think I should see her again tonight? Niles: Frasier, like most patients who come to a therapist, you already know the answer to the question you're posing. You just want me to agree with your decision and support you whether I share your opinion or not. Frasier: Yes, but I don't have an opinion in this case. Niles: I'm sure you do. Frasier: But I don't. Niles: Well, then I can't help you. Frasier: All right, all right. I think in my soul, I'm leaning toward taking the next step and, uh, seeing if there's anything... there. Niles: That is what you should do. Frasier: Why? Niles: You know why. Frasier: Damn it, Niles! Niles: Frasier, you know why. Beat. Niles looks at Frasier expectantly. Frasier: All right. We have a long history together, we-we have a son that we both adore. There were some good times, and when they were good... Hoo-ah! Niles: Well, it seems our minds are pretty well made up, aren't they? Frasier: Yes, they are. Thank you, Niles. I don't know what I'd do without you. Niles: Yes, you do. Frasier: Drop it! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Lilith's Hotel Room Lilith is waiting in her hotel room. She's dressed in a short skirt and a nice jacket. Her hair, unusually, is let down. Frasier knocks on the door, and she opens it. Frasier: Hello, Lilith. Lilith: Frasier, come in. Frasier: I must be early, I see you haven't had a chance to put up your hair yet. Lilith: Oh, I thought I'd leave it down tonight. Frasier: [surprised] Really? Lilith: Yes, after several hours of careful deliberation, and weighing all the consequences, I decided to be playful. I'm glad you invited me to dinner. Frasier: Well, how could I not? I felt so awful about last night. You see, I just thought you'd read the letter long ago and ignored it. Lilith: No explanation necessary. It was a simple misunderstanding. Frasier: O.K. Well, I know a great little French bistro just around the corner- Lilith: Uh, Frasier? Before we go anywhere, I would just like to go on record as saying that, regardless of everything that's happened, I respect you for getting on with your life as successfully as you have. Frasier: Well, I'd like to say that I feel the same way about you. Frederick is flourishing, and I'm sure that's in no small part due to you. Lilith: [touched] Oh, thank you. That means a great deal to me. Frasier: [helping her into her coat] Geez, do you realize that's the first pleasant thing we've said to each other in almost a year? Lilith: You're right. Frasier: [stops] You know, I'm suddenly quite moved. Lilith: I am too. Frasier: Would it be a dreadful contretemps if I kissed you right now? Lilith: You can always try. She turns around, and puts her arms around his neck. They kiss. As the kiss gets deeper, he drops her coat to the floor. Frasier: You want to bag dinner? Lilith: There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need? Frasier: Come to me, my white-hot flame! She jumps into his arms, and he carries her over to the bed. Lilith: I was insane to divorce you! Frasier: Oh God, you're in my thoughts every waking hour! Lilith: You're the only man I've ever loved! Frasier: So are you! [SCENE_BREAK] FRIED EGGS AND OTHER SMALL TRAGEDIES Scene Six - Lilith's Hotel Room Frasier and Lilith lie beside each other in bed. Frasier wakes up first, and his eyes widen with alarm as he realizes what happened. He starts to quietly slide out of bed - then Lilith wakes up and sleepily rolls onto him, smiling. Lilith: Good morning. Frasier: Jolly good morning to you, too. Lilith: I could stay like this all morning. Frasier: Me, too. [checks his watch] Lilith: I'm so glad I decided to take the chance and fly out here to be with you. Frasier: Yes, me too, me too. Someone knocks on the door. Frasier: Oh, I'll get that! He rather hurriedly gets out of bed and pulls on a bathrobe. Frasier: Must be the breakfast we ordered last night. Boy, I am famished! Lilith: You should be. You were a busy boy. Frasier smiles, then smoothes his hair and opens the door. A room service waiter comes in with a breakfast cart. Frasier: Hi. Waiter: Good morning, sir. Frasier: Just bring it right in here, please. Uh, that's fine. [tips the waiter] Little something for you, too. Thank you, good day. The waiter leaves. Lilith gets out of bed and also puts on a robe. Frasier: Well, boy, it's funny how life takes it's little turns, isn't it? Yesterday morning when I woke up, I never imagined I'd be waking up here this morning. Lilith: Indeed. She starts to inspect the breakfast. Frasier: And - I mean, it's not that we were overly impulsive or anything, or that what we did was wrong, I just... Lilith: This is a mistake. Frasier: Oh, thank God you said that! Oh, it's not that last night wasn't very enjoyable, but who are we kidding? You've gotten on with your life, I've gotten on with mine! I've got a new career, I've reestablished relationships with my family, I've got a whole new set of friends - for the first time in years, I'm happy! I mean, for us to even consider getting back together - it's just the stupidest thing two people could do! Lilith: [staring at him with horror] I meant the eggs. I ordered poached, not fried. Frasier: [trying to cover] Well, you didn't let me finish, you see... after I played Devil's advocate, I- Lilith: Oh, Frasier, don't insult me! That's how you really feel, isn't it? Frasier: I'm afraid so. Lilith begins to cry. Frasier: Oh, Lilith, are you crying? God, I'm sorry. Once again, I've led you down an emotional primrose path. Lilith, I never meant to hurt you. I don't blame you if you're mad at me. Lilith: I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. I don't even know what I'm doing here! I've just been so lonely over the last year, and when I found your letter, it was - it was like a life preserver! I'm raising a child alone. I'm scared. I always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, but the truth is, I'm afraid. I guess that's why I convinced myself that I was still in love with you. Frasier: You mean you're not? Lilith: No, I'm not. Frasier: Well, that's good. So then what happened last night was only because you were lonely, and I was- Lilith: We all know what you were, Frasier. She starts to cry harder. Frasier: Oh, Lilith, Lilith, here, here, come with me here. [guides her to the mirror] Now, listen, look in there, tell me what you see. [she can't say anything] All right, I'll tell you what I see. I see the same strong-willed, dynamic, intelligent woman I married seven years ago. Listen, you're just suffering a temporary lapse - divorce does that to you. [turns her around to face him] Listen, I won't say anything as trite as "someday you'll find someone." But I know this: I know you, and I know that no matter what the future holds in store for you, you'll handle it. She smiles and kisses his cheek. Lilith: Thank you, Frasier. Frasier: You hungry? Lilith: Yeah. Frasier: O.K. Frasier goes to the cart and starts setting places at the coffee table. Lilith: You always knew how to buck me up when I was blue. Frasier: Yeah, well, you know you helped me through some hard times yourself. Lilith: You know, those married years weren't all bad. We did have some good moments. Frasier: The best one was Frederick. [he takes her hand] We'll always have that. She smiles, and brings her food to the table. Frasier: And, you know, I can't help telling you this. Even though we're not in love anymore, you were always the most exciting lover I ever had. I think in your heart of hearts that you'd say the same about me. Silence. Lilith: They screwed up the toast, too, I ordered rye. Frasier: Lilith? She gives him a sly look that helps us understand why he fell for her in the first place. They start to eat breakfast. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne lies on the couch, sipping herbal tea and holding an ice pack to her forehead. On the runway, Lilith's plane lifts off. Daphne suddenly sits up, takes the ice pack away, and sighs with relief.

Plan: A: Lilith; Q: Who visits Frasier in Seattle? A: reconciliation; Q: What does Lilith want to know if there is any chance of? A: a letter; Q: What does Lilith find from Frasier? Summary: Lilith visits Frasier in Seattle, wondering if there's any chance of reconciliation after she finds a letter from him.

(EXT. MONTE CARLO CASINO - NIGHT) Sydney pulls up to a casino in a silver Jaguar and gets out. She is wearing a dark brown wig with reddish highlights and a turquoise and black dress with a matching jacket. Thomas Grace, dressed as a parking valet, gives Sydney her ticket and takes the car. Sydney walks into the casino. She walks up to a craps table and lays down a stack of money. One of the dealers hands Sydney three trays of chips in exchange. SYDNEY: (Southern accent) Thank you. Can I have the dice? Everyone seems to be looking at Sydney strangely. The croupier pushes the dice to Sydney. SYDNEY: You guys seem a little wound up. Let's loosen it a lil' bit. Come on! (claps) Loosen it up! Get out the kinks. (rolls the dice in her hands) A security guard waves Thomas Grace into the garage to park Sydney's car. Back inside the casino, Sydney's table has drawn a crowd, which cheers for Sydney. CROUPIER: Gagnant. (Winner.) SYDNEY: It's that easy - it's that easy! I can't even help it. Bring 'em back! The croupier pushes the dice back to Sydney. SYDNEY: (takes dice) That's right. There we go! Come on! (rolling dice around in her hands and rubbing them on her chest along the top of her dress) Mama would love a new pair of shoes! She kisses the dice before rolling them down the table. Meanwhile, Grace parks the car in the garage and gets out. Back at the craps table, Sydney rolls again. CROUPIER: Huit. Elle a gagné. [Eight. She wins.] SYDNEY: (putting more chips down) Tell your pit boss we need more money. We're feeling lucky tonight. (rubs dice on her belly) The croupier glances over at the pit boss, who looks suspicious. Meanwhile, Grace picks a lock to a room and goes inside. He heads to a panel on the wall. SYDNEY: Ready? (rolls dice) The crowd cheers. SYDNEY: How did I win? I wasn't paying attention. I can't even help it - I can't help it! The croupier doesn't look too happy. Grace opens the panel and examines it. SYDNEY: (rolls again) And it is that easy. The crowd claps and cheers, but is silenced by Dixon. DIXON: (French accent) This is disgusting. SYDNEY: Can I help you with something, Frenchman? DIXON: You're pregnant. You should not be a casino. You should be at home. SYDNEY: (to her belly) Do you feel home, Baby? (to Dixon) We feel at home. The croupier pushes the dice to Sydney once again. SYDNEY: Thank you. Dixon puts some chips down. SYDNEY: Oh, you're gonna bet against me? Good luck with that. (kisses dice) Grace goes back to the car and opens the trunk. Sydney rolls again and wins. DIXON: (in French) Bon Sang...! [Holy Crap...!*] (looks at Sydney in disbelief) SYDNEY: Don't give me that look, Frenchie. I warned you. DIXON: (to Stickman) C'est pas possible! Pas trop de chance. [No woman is that lucky.] (literally, It's not possible! Not that lucky.) The croupier examines the dice. Immediately, Sydney grabs her chips and leaves the table. SYDNEY: This table's gone cold. Sydney walks through the casino with her trays of chips when she is surrounded by casino security, led by the pit boss. PIT BOSS: Madame, could we please have a word with you? Sydney looks surprised. The guards lead her into an office. SYDNEY: Sir, this is insane. Do you have any idea who I am? PIT BOSS: Sit down. SYDNEY: (indignant) I will not! I've done nothin' wrong. The pit boss reaches over and pulls something from Sydney's cleavage. Sydney exaggerates a gasp at the offense. The pit boss holds up the real dice for emphasis. PIT BOSS: Sit down. As Sydney sits down, she readies her gun, hidden under her jacket draped across her arm. PIT BOSS: I have seen some despicable acts of cheating in my time. But a pregnant woman using her own baby to escape suspicion... I don't know how you live with yourself. SYDNEY: What can I say, sir? (drops act) I'm not like other moms. Sydney draws her gun and shoots the pit boss with a tranquilizer gun, then turns and shoots the other guard behind her. She opens door and shoots the guard outside the room. SYDNEY: (comms) Outrigger, I'm on my way to the vault. Sydney makes her way down a hallway into a room. SYDNEY: (comms) Sidewinder, I'm approaching the vault. What's your status? Sydney takes out her combination laser glass cutter and vacuum lifter tool and attaches it to the glass door to the vault. There is no response from Sidewinder. SYDNEY: Sidewinder? GRACE: (comms) ...Sidewinder's gonna need a little more time. Sydney cuts a hole in the glass door above the knob and removes the cut piece of glass. She reaches through the hole and pushes down the knob from the inside, opening the door. She steps inside the vault and finds the deposit box she is looking for. SYDNEY: I'm at the vault. I need that key code. Grace has the code written on a newspaper. GRACE: Got it. Ready when you are. SYDNEY: Go. GRACE: 9-7-3-2-6-3-4-7. Sydney enters the numbers. The keypad beeps and turns from red to yellow. She opens the deposit box and retrieves a small device. She checks it over, satisfied. SYDNEY: I've got the package. I'll meet you at the front. GRACE: All right. Grace goes back into the car and takes it to the front of the casino. Sydney steps out of the front doors. Grace gets out of the car, allowing Sydney to take the car and escape. Sydney drives off and pulls off her wig. (INT. APO - DAY) SYDNEY: (on phone) This is Phoenix. We have the archive. JACK: Any complications? SYDNEY: Well, I think I lost us about $900,000, depending on the exchange rate. JACK: Copy that. What's your location? SYDNEY: I'm approaching the ferry now. JACK: Have a safe trip. (disconnects call) She approaches some sort of checkpoint. A guard stops her and takes out a pen and begins jotting something down. Sydney notices something in her rearview mirror. A large truck pulls up behind her. Suddenly, an electromagnet comes down on the car and pulls the car up with Sydney in it. Sydney looks out the window. A crane is hanging the car high off the ground. Sydney's cell phone rings. SYDNEY: Hello? VOICE: You have something of mine. SYDNEY: Who is this? VOICE: I want my property back. I want Mockingbird. SYDNEY: What? VOICE: You will have your people deliver Mockingbird to me within the hour, or I will drop you. SYDNEY: There must be some kind of mistake. I don't know what Mockingbird is. VOICE: You're wasting time. SYDNEY: Please, what is Mockingbird? LOS ANGELES - DAY 72 HOURS EARLIER (INT. APO - DAY) Rachel Gibson writes her statement in an APO office. Sydney comes into the room and brings Rachel a sandwich and a glass of water. SYDNEY: Rachel... you should eat something. Sydney sets the food down and sits across from Rachel. SYDNEY: You need to eat, you need to rest. The debriefing can wait. RACHEL: No, it can't. SYDNEY: I know what you're going through. You need to give yourself time - RACHEL: It can't wait. Rachel continues writing, then stops, feeling the need to explain herself. RACHEL: I'm held together by a string right now, Ms. Bristow. A week ago, I had a good job working for the CIA. Now I have the truth. My job was a front for a mercenary organization, and my boss is a criminal, and my coworkers are all dead - because I got them killed. SYDNEY: It wasn't your fault. RACHEL: They'd all still be alive if I hadn't walked into that building. SYDNEY: Your boss, Gordon Dean - he killed them, not you. RACHEL: It doesn't change the fact that every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. So I need to give you everything I have - right now, because the sooner I'm finished, the sooner this is over. SYDNEY: Rachel, first of all, just - don't call me "Ms. Bristow." It's Sydney. Secondly, your information will go a long way towards helping us find Gordon Dean. We will get the people responsible for this. RACHEL: (looks hopeful) Then I'd better get back to work. SYDNEY: (turns to leave, but stops) Oh, by the way, uh, a name keeps coming up in your data - "Mockingbird." We don't have a base reference for it. RACHEL: Oh. Sorry. It's a briefing habit. I take it for granted. It's, um, my agency call sign. It's me. I'm Mockingbird. ALIAS Intro (INT. DEAN'S BASE OF OPERATIONS - DAY) DEAN: I have an assignment suited to your abilities. I'll leave the approach to your discretion. I assume you're familiar with the target. The man peeks inside a folder and closes it. MAN: I am. DEAN: You'll have our full resources at your disposal. MAN: (looks around Dean's office, unconvinced) You have resources? DEAN: Don't let the appearance fool you. We're in the midst of a relocation. MAN: I'll keep you updated. The man gets up and leaves. Peyton sees that Dean is free and comes over with a laptop. PEYTON: I need money. DEAN: Where do we stand on the satellite offices? PEYTON: Cleveland, Seattle, Chicago - they've all been abandoned. We beat the CIA by about an hour at the St. Louis office. DEAN: They find anything? PEYTON: Just extension cords and surge protectors. Alternate location should be set up by day's end. We've got the account transfers ready across the board. I just need your passcode for the withdrawals. Peyton remains standing at Dean's desk. Dean pulls the laptop closer to him so that Peyton cannot see him enter the passcode. PEYTON: (rolls her eyes) God, you're paranoid. DEAN: That's why I'm still alive. (INT. APO - DAY) A computer beeps an alert. Marshall is briefing Jack, Sydney, and Rachel. MARSHALL: I got him. I've been monitoring Dean's bank accounts based on your intel. Thirty minutes ago, he liquidated every single one of them. JACK: Our infiltration in Prague must have him concerned. He's closing ranks, covering his tracks. MARSHALL: Right, but not to worry, because I'm a bit of a master tracker myself. I'm kind of like a Comanche Indian - (chuckles) uh, Comanche Indian who - who tracks data. Anyway, he consolidated all of his funds. He deposited them into one account designated - RACHEL: 1017. It's the agency fail-safe account in the Cayman Islands. I set it up. 10/17 is my birthday. SYDNEY: Wait. Dean's money is all in one place? If we seize his funds, we can cripple his operation. RACHEL: You won't be able to do it. It's a trapdoor account. It can't be hacked. You have to be at the bank to access it, and you need the pre-arranged responses to Dean's protocol questions. The only answer set is on Dean's server in the Prague office - which he destroyed. I know how he works. The only copy of his protocol was in that building when he blew it up. There's nothing left. Sydney looks at Jack, who grimaces. Rachel notices the look. Rachel: What? SYDNEY: Czech authorities have begun their investigations into the bombings. We've accessed their site inventories, and they have catalogued already several BR-46 servers. (shows Rachel photos of the inventory) RACHEL: (nods) That's them SYDNEY: Marshall's designed EM recovery software. RACHEL: We can reconstruct the protocol. SYDNEY: ...Here's the problem. The BIS won't release their evidence until they finish their investigation. So... I'm going back to Prague. I need you to come with me. RACHEL: No. (voice breaking) Absolutely not. SYDNEY: Rachel - RACHEL: You want me to dig through that building... SYDNEY: If Dean transfers his assets before we can access his account, we lose him entirely. RACHEL: I'm not going back there. Those people are all dead because of me. I'm not going to search through their remains. SYDNEY: I wouldn't ask you to do this if there was another way. Believe me. We need you to do this. (pauses) We need you to go back into that building. (INT. HEARING ROOM - DAY) Arvin Sloane looks pensive as he waits in the hearing room. Jack walks in, touches Sloane on the shoulder to let him know he's there, and takes a seat on the right side of the room. Three men walk into the room and take their seats at the panel in the front of the room. The man seated in the middle addresses Sloane. HARKIN: Mr. Sloane, my name is Boyd Harkin. I'm Special Prosecutor to your case. I'm required to inform you that under National Security Directive 115B, you do not quality for legal counsel. SLOANE: I understand. HARKIN: (nods to the man on his right) This is Deputy Director Miller, (nods to the man on his left) Undersecretary Reeves. We've spent the last few months reviewing your case. The Justice Department is prepared to accept our recommendation for your sentencing. Before we rule, however, we have a few questions for you. SLOANE: I'm prepared to cooperate. HARKIN: Good. Mr. Sloane, a little over a year ago, you signed a pardon agreement with the Justice Department. What were the terms of that agreement? SLOANE: I was asked to oversee a black ops unit for the CIA. In exchange for my participation, I received a pardon for my crimes. HARKIN: Let's talk about those crimes. (opens Sloane's file) Your record reads like a veritable catalog of illegal activity - multiple counts of murder, conspiracy, treason... I have trouble understanding how any pardon agreement resulting in your freedom could be justified. SLOANE: If you will examine the record of the previous proceedings, you will find the charges against me were carefully considered before they were dismissed. As to whether the pardon itself was justified... I suppose that's a question for the Justice Department. HARKIN: Perhaps. But since I have you in front of me right now, why don't we see if we can suss it out? SLOANE: Of course. EXT. GEORGE TOWN, CAYMAN ISLANDS - DAY) Dixon and Grace are dressed in suits without ties. They walk along the beach. DIXON: We're scheduled to meet the emissary at 3. Sydney should have touched down in Prague by now. Give her two hours in and out of the site. Should have plenty of time to spare. GRACE: We know what this emissary looks like? DIXON: No. He's got our descriptions. He'll escort us from the beach. Helps keep the bank's location a secret. GRACE: If he tries to blindfold us, he may have a problem - I'm not in the mood for blindfolds today. DIXON: Noted. GRACE: What do we do till 3? DIXON: We wait. The two sit down on lounge chairs under a straw umbrella. (INT. THE SHED'S PRAGUE OFFICE - DAY) Sydney and Rachel walk into the building. They pass a covered body being wheeled out. Rachel immediately gets nervous. She grips the strap of her bag tightly as they walk to The Shed's office. RACHEL: I can't do this. SYDNEY: Well, you've got the easy job. Once we access the protocol, we feed it to Tom and Dixon - they handle the heavy stuff, we're out of there. RACHEL: There's a reason I wanted to work at a desk. I don't like pressure... or death, for that matter. SYDNEY: Listen to me. (stops walking and turns to Rachel) I have to do unpleasant tasks all the time - and the best way to do it is to become someone else. Where are the BIS badges? Rachel reaches inside her bag and pulls them out. SYDNEY: I'm not Sydney Bristow, you're not Rachel Gibson - we're Czech Intelligence, Terrorism Unit. (clips badge to Rachel's jacket) When we walk on that floor, we outrank everyone else in the room. Act like it. Nothing in there can rattle us because we see this type of thing every day. Sydney turns and continues walking. Rachel looks unsure. They reach The Shed's office. The office is destroyed - heaps of twisted metal are strewn about the room. Sydney and Rachel stop near the entrance to the office. Rachel stares at the destruction RACHEL: (voice shaking) We see this every day. Sydney looks over at Rachel. Rachel squeezes her eyes shut for a moment and opens them again. RACHEL: (emphatically) We see this - every day. SYDNEY: (pulls out some papers) According to the building's floor plan, everything in the office should be where it was. You know, more or less. Rachel looks at the destroyed office. A vision of the office as it existed when she worked there flashes before her. SYDNEY: Which way do we go? RACHEL: Follow me. Rachel leads Sydney through the office toward Dean's office at the far end. As she walks through the main room, she envisions the room as it used to be - a furnished office with desks, computers, and her coworkers. Her coworkers stare at her as she walks past. Rachel stops and looks around at Sydney, and her vision fades back to reality. She nods to Sydney and continues leading her to Dean's office. RACHEL: It should be right here. SYDNEY: Let's get to work. CUT TO The Cayman Islands A woman with a briefcase walks up to Dixon and Grace. WOMAN: Excuse me. Misters Taldash and White? Dixon sits up and nods. WOMAN: My name is Pierpont. I'm here to escort you to the bank. DIXON: You're early. PIERPONT: (surprised) I'm merely following your account's protocol. Is there a problem? Dixon turns to Grace. DIXON: Of course not. Excuse me. (makes a call on his cell phone) CUT TO Prague Rachel brushes debris off the case of the server and checks it. RACHEL: Yeah, this is it. Sydney's cell phone rings. She answers it. It's Dixon. CUT TO The Cayman Islands DIXON: This is Mr. Taldash, Room 440. I'm going to have to cancel my massage this afternoon. I'm afraid I got my times mixed up. Thank you. PIERPONT: (smiles) Shall we? DIXON: Yeah. CUT TO Prague SYDNEY: That was Dixon. We don't have as much time as we thought. Rachel turns the server case over and finds biological matter splattered on the inside. RACHEL: Oh, God. (stands up) Oh, God. SYDNEY: It's okay. It's okay. I'll just - I'll deal with the server. (pushes Rachel away) Go on. RACHEL: I have to get out of here. (starts leaving) SYDNEY: Rachel. Rachel stops. SYDNEY: Rachel, look at me. I'll handle the server, but you have to tell me what to do. RACHEL: You need the hard drive. SYDNEY: Which one? RACHEL: Fifth. Fifth one down. SYDNEY: Get the computer ready. Rachel nods but breathes nervously. SYDNEY: Rachel. (turns to get the hard drive from the server.) Rachel knocks some equipment off a table to clear space for them to work. She opens up the laptop and gets it ready. CUT TO The Cayman Islands GRACE: So how far is the bank? PIERPONT: You've never been here before? DIXON: This is our first time in the Caymans. PIERPONT: Ah. Well, you're lucky. The bank's not far today. The three approach a white tent set up on the beach. Two guards are waiting for their arrival. PIERPONT: We gave up our fixed location years ago. Grace and Dixon exchange glances before going inside the tent. The two guards close the flaps to the tent. PIERPONT: Technology allows us a certain fluidity. We find our clients prefer our business remain mobile. Pierpont sits down behind a desk, while Dixon and Grace take their seats in front of the desk. PIERPONT: Our clients, as I'm sure you're aware, are highly security-conscious. The two guards draw their guns with silencers and point them each at Dixon and Grace. PIRPONT: Welcome to First Cayman Trust. (smiles) CUT TO Prague Sydney works through the computer and removes some bloodied fabric that is stuck to one of the drive bays of the server. She takes out the hard drive. There is some blood on it. Sydney walks over to Rachel with the hard drive and hands it to her. SYDNEY: Hook it up. CUT TO The Cayman Islands DIXON: Are the weapons necessary? PIERPONT: They certainly won't be if you know your account's protocol. (smiles) Dixon and Grace share a forced laugh. CUT TO Prague SYDNEY: Give me your hand. Rachel stares at the bloodied hard drive and finally holds out her hand. Sydney places the hard drive in her hand. SYDNEY: Hook it up. Rachel places the hard drive next to the computer and begins to set it up. CUT TO The Cayman Islands PIERPONT: Gentlemen, there are over 300 possible questions. DIXON: We've... committed the answers to memory. GRACE: Our boss is highly security-conscious. PIERPONT: Of course. Rachel has set up the laptop and it tries to recover the data from the hard drive. PIERPONT: Here we go. "The select blood runs through..." The guards stand ready with their guns trained on Dixon and Grace. Sydney listens in on her comms with Dixon. Rachel is just getting the hard drive up PIERPONT: Do you need me to repeat the question? DIXON: No. The select blood runs through... Rachel searches for the answer to the question. The answer displays on her screen. SYDNEY: (comms) Roquet's Heart. DIXON: ...Roquet's Heart. PIERPONT: (pulling up next question) "The future's history is written in..." Rachel finds the answer to the question, which displays on her screen. SYDNEY: "The ink of the past." (to Rachel, puzzled) What are these questions? DIXON: The ink of the past. PIERPONT: "What the mirror reflects..." SYDNEY: (comms) Lives eternal. GRACE: Lives eternal. PIERPONT: "If there was never a one, there was ever..." Rachel tries to search for the answer. Dixon and Grace are silent. Rachel gets a CORRUPT DATA message from the computer. RACHEL: Oh, no. SYDNEY: What? RACHEL: The data's corrupt. PIERPONT: "If there was never a one, there was ever..." Dixon looks over at Grace. DIXON: This was yours. GRACE: No. No, no. This - this was yours. RACHEL: I've heard Dean say this before. GRACE: You had all the questions that rhymed, remember? DIXON: Yes. (apologetically mutters to Pierpont) PIERPONT: Gentlemen, I need an answer. RACHEL: (whispers) If there was never a one, there was ever... (aloud) The Twelve. SYDNEY: The twelve. DIXON: The twelve. (to Grace) I'm sorry. PIERPONT: Gentlemen, we're at your service. Pierpont turns around the laptop to face Dixon and Grace. There is a list of transactions totaling $541,378,284.88. At the bottom of the screen, it says ACCESS GRANTED. Dixon leans forward to use the laptop. The guards put their guns away. Sydney closes the laptop Rachel was using. SYDNEY: Come on. Let's get out of here. Rachel blinks, looking disoriented. SYDNEY: It's over. Come on. Dixon is accessing the 1017 account on Pierpont's laptop. PIERPONT: Can I get you something to drink, a cigar? GRACE: You know what? I'd love a drink. [SCENE_BREAK] (INT. DEAN'S BASE OF OPERATIONS - DAY) Peyton notices that someone withdrawn all the money from the account. She reports the loss to Dean. PEYTON: Someone accessed the 1017 account. They cleaned us out. We lost everything. DEAN: That's impossible. PEYTON: They were on-site, transferred from the Caymans. DEAN: No one can do that. I am the only one with... (realizes) She's still alive. Rachel Gibson's still alive. PEYTON: And they've got her in custody. DEAN: We need to get her back. (INT. HEARING ROOM - DAY) HARKIN: I'd like to turn our attention to Omnifam. SLOANE: For three years, I ran a world relief organization dedicated to humanitarian causes. HARKIN: Which you used as a cover for a genetic engineering project that almost caused a global genocide. SLOANE: Yes. HARKIN: Yes? Mr. Sloane, I just accused you of attempting to murder millions of people. I was hoping for a bit more than a "yes." SLOANE: For years, I was driven by a misguided attempt to pursue... a higher power. I will not attempt to deny my wrongdoings. There is no reason to. The government has pardoned me for those actions. However, I am reformed. (pauses) Two years ago, I learned I had a daughter. She has changed by life. Since the moment I met her, I have dedicated my every moment, every action, to atoning for my sins. HARKIN: Mr. Sloane, four months ago, you betrayed your agency and participated in a conspiracy that caused the deaths of thousands of people in Sovogda. How exactly is that atoning for your sins? SLOANE: I did not betray my agency. I was forced to go undercover to establish credentials with Elena Derevko, and you should have in front of you corresponding statements from the agents involved. HARKIN: Yes, I have the statements. Your colleagues seem to have bought your hollow justifications, but I find your actions fit a pattern of criminal behavior you have demonstrated your entire life. Time and again, you explain away your crimes as some sort of necessary evil. I find it shocking people continue to believe your lies. In truth, these proceedings are a mere formality. You will atone for your sins, Mr. Sloane. Only you don't get to decide the punishment - we do. Sloane closes his eyes and considers what Harkin just said. (INT. PRISON - DAY) Sloane is being led down a hallway back to his cell. JACK: (voiceover) Assuming the worst, it will happen fast. You'll be immediately transferred to a federal penitentiary. Jack is speaking with Arvin in his cell. JACK: It's doubtful we'll have a chance to go over your affairs, assuming they rule against you. SLOANE: They're going to rule against me. Jack is silent. SLOANE: Thank you for getting Sydney and Marcus to write statements on my behalf. I'm sure that must have been very difficult. JACK: They volunteered. I didn't have to ask. SLOANE: Well, thank them for me. (pauses) I want to give you power of attorney over Nadia. JACK: Of course. SLOANE: Promise me you'll do everything you can to save her, Jack - as if she were your own daughter. JACK: You have my word. SLOANE: (whispers) Thank you. (INT. APO - DAY) DIXON: He's scared. The Cayman transfer was a success. We were able to take full control of Dean's finances. As a result, he's getting sloppy, making uncharacteristic mistakes. An hour ago, Echelon intercepted a call Dean placed to Laurent Moreau, a business associate Ms. Gibson flagged in her debriefings. Dixon nods to Marshall to play the audio recording of the conversation. Moreau: You lost everything. Dean: It's a setback. We're moving forward as scheduled, but I need to retrieve my operations archives. Moreau: You're planning on blackmailing yourself out of the red? Dean: Where are the archives, Laurent? Laurent: Relax. They're safe at Rue L'Or. Dean: I'll contact you Thursday to arrange transfer. SYDNEY: Dean's going after his archives. DIXON: If we can beat him to it, we'd have access to Dean's entire operation. GRACE: They said they're being held at Rue L'Or. What's that? MARSHALL: Well, looks like it's in Monte Carlo. One of Moreau's fronts. Hey, it's a casino. SYDNEY: What did we do with all that money we seized? (INT. PRISON - DAY) Sloane is writing a letter to Nadia. A man interrupts him. It's Dean's man. MAN: Having trouble sleeping, Mr. Sloane? I don't blame you. You'd have to count a lot of sheep to erase today's proceedings, that's for sure. I'm guessing they're gonna put you away for a long time - which is just too bad, really, 'cause... (walks up to the bars) It'll be awful hard to help that daughter of yours from inside a federal penitentiary. Sloane looks up at the man. MAN: Of course, it doesn't have to be that way. Huh, Mr. Sloane? I work for some very powerful people. My benefactors may be able to help sway the committee's decision tomorrow. SLOANE: I see. And I suppose that these benefactors of yours want something in return for their help. MAN: They would at that. SLOANE: Ah. (INT. APO - DAY) Sydney, Dixon, and Grace are planning the operation to Rue L'Or. They pour over the blueprints and other information they've gathered on the casino. SYDNEY: We need to tap into the fiber optics. There's a maintenance station in the parking garage. DIXON: Guard checkpoints are here and here (points on blueprints). They've got the garage locked down. GRACE: I can get into the parking garage. MARSHALL: (excited) Hey, guys. Check this out. (drops a pair of dice) Winner - seven! Every time. (drops dice) Seven! SYDNEY: Marshall, you're not supposed to hit seven. MARSHALL: No, no, it's - it - it's supposed to hit seven, right? I mean... see? Winner - seven. (smiles) DIXON: You've got it backwards. She's right. MARSHALL: Really? (takes dice back) SYDNEY: Talk to me about this vault. DIXON: The deposit boxes are in electromagnetic tumblers. SYDNEY: Can we get around it? DIXON: It's on a systemic system. The mainframe resets the passcodes daily. RACHEL: I can get around it. Dixon and Sydney turn and look at Rachel. RACHEL: If... it's an EM system, I can decrypt the algorithm. I just need access to the building's network. SYDNEY: Can we do it from a remote location? Rachel walks over and looks over the information they have. RACHEL: (shakes head) It's a segregated network. I'd have to be there. But... I'll go. Sydney looks at Rachel, concerned. RACHEL: (nods) I'll do it. SYDNEY: It's okay. RACHEL: No, I - I mean, I want to. (pauses) I had to dig... through my friends yesterday because of Gordon Dean. If I can help you stop him, then that's what I need to do. There's not a whole lot that'll scare me. Not anymore. Sydney nods. MONTE CARLO Sydney pulls up to a casino in a silver Jaguar and gets out. Thomas Grace, dressed as a parking valet, gives Sydney her ticket and takes the car. A security guard waves Thomas Grace into the garage to park Sydney's car. SYDNEY: (putting more chips down) Tell your pit boss we need more money. We're feeling lucky tonight. (rubs dice on her belly) Grace opens the panel and examines it. Sydney is rolling and winning. Grace runs back to the car and opens the trunk. Rachel is hiding inside the trunk. Grace takes her hand and helps her out of the trunk. Meanwhile, Sydney is getting stopped by casino security. PIT BOSS: Madame, could we please have a word with you? Rachel and Grace go into the room with the panel. Rachel attaches a PDA to the panel. Numbers flash on the screen. RACHEL: I need a piece of paper. Grace goes to find some paper. Meanwhile, Sydney shoots the pit boss with a tranquilizer gun, then turns and shoots the other guard behind her. Grace finds a newspaper on a desk in the room and brings it to Rachel. GRACE: Here, have this. SYDNEY: (comms) Sidewinder, I'm approaching the vault. What's your status? Grace is waiting for Rachel to finish her calculations on the newspaper. GRACE: They're waiting for us. SYDNEY: Sidewinder? GRACE: We gotta go. RACHEL: Do you wanna come over here and do the advanced binomial calculus? 'Cause... I'd be more than happy to stand there and watch. GRACE: (comms) ...Sidewinder's gonna need a little more time. Sydney cuts a hole in the glass door above the knob and removes the cut piece of glass. SYDNEY: I'm at the vault. I need that key code. Rachel hands the newspaper to Grace. GRACE: Got it. She opens the deposit box and retrieves a small device. She checks it over, satisfied. SYDNEY: I've got the package. Rachel and Grace go back into the car. Rachel gets back into the trunk of the car. Grace takes the car to the front of the casino, and Sydney takes the car and drives off. Inside the trunk, Rachel turns on the light. SYDNEY: This is Phoenix. We have the archive. JACK: What's your location? SYDNEY: I'm approaching the ferry now. JACK: Copy that. Have a safe trip. She approaches the checkpoint. A guard stops her and takes out a pen and begins jotting something down. Sydney notices something in her rearview mirror. A large truck pulls up behind her. Suddenly, an electromagnet pulls the car up with Sydney and Rachel in it. Rachel has no idea what is happening from inside the trunk. Sydney's cell phone rings. SYDNEY: ...I don't know what Mockingbird is! Please - what is Mockingbird? Inside the trunk, Rachel is scared. SYDNEY: I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want. Suddenly, the car shakes. Rachel screams from inside the trunk. Dean and Peyton are on the end of the line with Sydney. DEAN: Ms. Bristow, you're not exactly in the position to play coy. You know who I am. SYDNEY: Yes. DEAN: You know what I want. Sydney glances over at the archive she retrieved. SYDNEY: You're not thinking this through, Dean. If you drop me, you destroy your archive. DEAN: The laptop's a fake. There's nothing on it. Where's Mockingbird now? Ms. Bristow... SYDNEY: All right - all right, you win. Listen... The CIA has her in protective custody. She's... in a safe - A ship horn sounds loudly in the distance and interrupts her. DEAN: What? SYDNEY: She's in a safe house in Philadelphia. DEAN: Listen carefully. Tell your people to deliver her to the 30th Street Train Station. They have exactly thirty minutes. (hangs up phone) RACHEL: Sydney... what's happening? SYDNEY: Rachel, hang on a sec. I gotta call my dad. (INT. APO - DAY) JACK: (on phone with Sydney) Dean doesn't know Rachel's with you? SYDNEY: No. He's expecting the CIA to deliver her in exactly... 26 minutes. Jack walks into a room with Marshall. JACK: (to Marshall) Task the satellites. I want full coverage of the area. Sydney, if Dean calls again, route it through us. Don't worry, we'll get you down. SYDNEY: You'd better. JACK: (on phone) Dixon, where are you? DIXON: We're en route. Five minutes away. JACK: Approach carefully. We don't know who's on the ground - but get to that crane. Rules of engagement are at your discretion. DIXON: Copy that. Almost there. (INT. MONTE CARLO - NIGHT) Inside Sydney's car... SYDNEY: Rachel, how you doing? RACHEL: I've been better. How are you? Sydney is going through her stuff to look for useful items. SYDNEY: Oh, you know. Just another day at the office. Hey, Rachel, look around back there. Is there anything that might be useful? Rachel takes a look around in the trunk. RACHE: Uh, well, there's a - a tire... and - a crowbar, and I - and I have my purse. Are those helpful? SYDNEY: No, not really. RACHEL: Uh... how high up are we? SYDNEY: Oh, just... (looks out window) couple hundred feet. Don't worry, I've been in much worse situations than this. RACHEL: You have? On the ground near the crane's control cab... DIXON: Area's clear so far. We're approaching the cab now. (climbs up) It's empty. JACK: (on phone) Can you get to the controls? Dixon checks the controls. DIXON: Hang on... it's got some sort of... (looks up and sees a camera) Uh-oh. Dean and Peyton see Dixon through the camera. DEAN: (checks his watch) That was fast. Do it. Peyton presses a button on her screen that says RELEASE. The car drops suddenly. Sydney and Rachel scream. JACK: Sydney... Just as suddenly, the car stops falling. Sydney gasps. The car dangles precariously in the air. DEAN: (on phone with Sydney) Pull your agents off-site. Right now. JACK: Outrigger, get out of there! Dixon and Grace climb down from the cab of the electromagnetic crane. DEAN: You're trying my patience, Ms. Bristow. Any further deviations, and I will drop you. I want confirmation that Mockingbird's en route. SYDNEY: What sort of confirmation? DEAN: Have her call me. RACHEL: (whispers) What? (INT. APO - DAY) MARSHALL: Dean's got the place wired. It's all on remote. If I can isolate the frequency, I might be able to override the crane's controls. JACK: What do you need from us? MARSHALL: Just time - just time. (EXT. MONTE CARLO - NIGHT) RACHEL: Sydney. I can't do that. I can't call him. He'll know. I'm a terrible liar. That's why he wants me to call. SYDNEY: Rachel, this is easy. This is just like in Prague. You have to become someone else. You have to become the person you used to be. All you have to do is act helpless and scared. RACHEL: I am scared. SYDNEY: Yeah, but you're not helpless. Not anymore. Look... I've spent my life dealing with men like Gordon Dean. They all have a fatal flaw. They always want power - so you just fool 'em into thinking they have it. And you hit 'em when they're not looking. RACHEL: So what do I do? SYDNEY: Act terrified. Keep him on the phone. We'll do the rest. Rachel takes out her phone and makes the call. Dean answers. DEAN: Hello. RACHEL: They told me to call you. DEAN: Rachel. Where are you? RACHEL: I'm in a van. I don't know. They wanted me... they wanted me to tell you that they're doing everything you asked. They're turning me over to you. They won't tell me anything else. Meanwhile, Marshall is trying to pinpoint the frequency of the signal. RACHEL: What are you gonna do to me? DEAN: Just come in, Rachel. We need to talk to you. RACHEL: I didn't tell them anything. I swear, I didn't tell them anything. DEAN: I believe you. Back at APO... JACK: Marshall? MARSHALL: I'm almost there, almost there. Just give me a sec. Give me a sec. Almost there. Back in the car... RACHEL: What are you gonna do to me? DEAN: That depends on how cooperative you are. RACHEL: I'll do anything you want. Please, Mrs. Dean. Please. I don't wanna die. A ship horn sounds loudly and rattles Rachel. She tries to cover the phone. SYDNEY: Rachel, Plan B. Rachel quickly hangs up the phone. DEAN: What was that? SYDNEY: Kick the backseat as hard as you can. Rachel tries to kick the seat, but nothing happens. SYDNEY: Now! Do it right now! Rachel kicks harder and folds the seat down, allowing her to crawl through. SYDNEY: Crowbar! DEAN: She's in the car. Sydney takes the crowbar and breaks the moonroof window. SYDNEY: Give me your hand. DEAN: Drop 'em! Sydney takes the vacuum lifter and attaches it to the electromagnet through the moon roof. The car drops down around them as they emerge through the roof, with Sydney hanging on to the lifter attached to the magnet and Rachel hanging on to Sydney. The car crashes down. (INT. HEARING ROOM - DAY) Sloane stands to be accept the committee's decision at his hearing. HARKIN: Mr. Sloane, this committee has reviewed your case and is prepared to render its ruling. Before we do so, I'd like to reiterate for the record my extreme disapproval for tactics you have employed while working under the auspices of the United States Government. Your compromised methodology sullies the name of every man and woman who serves this country honorably. (pauses) However, while I may detest your methods, I cannot deny your results. Slone seems to look pleased. Jack looks surprised and glances over at Sloane. HARKIN: After careful examination of the facts, this committee is forced to conclude your recent actions fall within the guidelines of your pardon agreement, and that, in truth, (pauses and looks to his right before continuing) you have this country's best interests in mind. I find no cause for violation. Arvin Sloane, I hereby order your release, effective immediately. Jack looks at Sloane with suspicion. Sloane closes his eyes. It's over. (INT. PLANE - DUSK) The camera goes down the aisle as we see the team going home after the operation. Dixon is sleeping in his seat. Grace is in the next row sleeping with headphones on. Sydney and Rachel are sitting together behind Grace. Sydney has her eyes closed. Rachel is still awake and looks over at Sydney. RACHE: How can you people sleep after something like this? SYDNEY: (with her eyes closed) You just learn to take it where you can get it, I guess. RACHEL: It's never gonna be over, is it? I'm gonna be with you a while. Sydney opens her eyes and looks over at Rachel. RACHEL: In custody, I mean. SYDNEY: You'll be with us until it's safe for you to go home. RACHEL: When will that be? SYDNEY: I honestly don't know... Dean knows how dangerous you are to him. We can't release you until we've brought him in. RACHEL: ...But it doesn't end with Dean. SYDNEY: No, it doesn't. RACHEL: It's never gonna be safe. SYDNEY: I guess we'll have to bring 'em all down - every single one of 'em. In Washington, D.C., Sloane leaves his hearing. As he leaves, Sloane walks past the man possibly responsible for swaying the committee's decision. Sloane continues on, a free man.

Plan: A: Monte Carlo Sydney; Q: Where does the episode take place? A: Casino; Q: What building do Sydney, Tom, and Dixon infiltrate? A: an electronic dossier; Q: What is the artifact? A: a car; Q: What was Sydney in when she was picked up by a crane? A: an electromagnet; Q: What was the crane outfitted with? A: Mockingbird; Q: What was Sydney's call sign while working at "The Shed"? A: hundreds of feet; Q: How far will Sydney be dropped if she doesn't return the artifact? A: Rachel; Q: Who tells Sydney that her call sign was Mockingbird? A: Rachel's help; Q: Who helps APO crack Gordon Dean's Cayman Islands accounts? A: Gordon Dean's; Q: Who calls Sydney on her cell phone? A: CIA; Q: What organization does Dean think Rachel is working for? A: Sloane; Q: Who is held on trial for breaking the agreement in his pardon? A: Elena Derevko; Q: Who does Sloane aid? A: a powerful and influential employer; Q: Who is the mysterious stranger's employer? Summary: In Monte Carlo Sydney, Tom, and Dixon infiltrate a Casino to secure "the artifact", an electronic dossier. After doing so, Sydney is intercepted while in a car by being picked up by a crane outfitted with an electromagnet. Gordon Dean subsequently calls her on her cell phone demanding the return of "Mockingbird" otherwise Sydney will be dropped hundreds of feet to her death. 72 hours before, Rachel tells Sydney that her call sign while working at "The Shed" was Mockingbird. With Rachel's help APO cracks Gordon Dean's Cayman Islands accounts. Momentarily after Dean is notified that his assets were stolen and concludes that Rachel is alive and working for the CIA. During the mission to secure the artifact, Rachel is brought along in the trunk of the car; the same car that, in the end, Dean is threatening to destroy unless Rachel (Mockingbird) is handed over to him. Sydney and Rachel are able to escape the car and cling to the electromagnet prior to Dean figuring out Rachel was also in the car and then, destroying it. Sloane is held on trial for breaking the agreement in his pardon by aiding Elena Derevko, although he was supposedly undercover. Ultimately Sloane is pardoned after accepting the aid of a mysterious stranger with a powerful and influential employer.

INT. NCIS MAIN ENTRANCE - DAY HENRY: Gibbs. GIBBS: Hey morning, Henry. HENRY: That sushi place you sent me to? GIBBS: What, you didn't like it? HENRY: I liked it fine. Only you didn't tell me I had to speak Japanese to order. GIBBS: You don't order. You eat what you're served with a smile. Just like being married. (SFX: METAL DETECTOR ALARM) YOST: I hope this doesn't mean I can't come in. Now just hold your horses. I wasn't going to hurt anybody with it. It's evidence. GIBBS: Yeah, it's okay. HENRY: Come on in. (SFX: BEEP TONES) HENRY: You wearing jewelry? YOST: Oh, I forgot. A senior moment. GIBBS: Henry, we're in the presence of a Medal of Honor recipient. Special Agent Jethro Gibbs, NCIS. Mister.... YOST: Yost. Corporal Ernie Yost. Special Agent, huh? Just the man I'm looking for. GIBBS: It would be an honor to help you, Sir. YOST: Say that after you know why I'm here. GIBBS: That have something to do with the evidence you're delivering? YOST: I murdered a Marine with that forty-five. (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES / CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: The Washington Ballet is totally sold out. TONY: You're kidding! MCGEE: People were backed up trying to hack into the box office. TONY: Ah, I can't believe that! KATE: Since when are you interested in a ballet? TONY: Oh, uh... since about an hour ago. KATE: Let me guess. The cashier at the bakery was wearing leg warmers. TONY: How do you know that? KATE: Must be the profiler in me. MCGEE: Oh hey, there's another ballet in town, DiNozzo. I can get you two front row easy. TONY: Really? What ballet? MCGEE: The National. TONY: The National Ballet? Bravo, McGee. MCGEE: Oh. Only... TONY: Only what? MCGEE: The nation... KATE: Is not ours. MCGEE: Surinam. TONY: Surinam? The National Ballet of Surinam... how good can that be? KATE: Depends how much you like her buns, Tony. GIBBS: DiNozzo, make Mister Yost here comfortable. YOST: You want to make me comfortable? TONY: Mm-hmm. YOST: Slap a pair of handcuffs on me. TONY: How about something else? YOST: Any good at foot massages? GIBBS: Kate. McGee. TONY: Here, let me get that for you. GIBBS: I found him downstairs. He claims to have murdered a Marine with this forty-five. KATE: Do you believe him? GIBBS: He's a little foggy on the where and when, but he's pretty adamant he did it. KATE: Gibbs... we're not going to investigate this? GIBBS: Nah... KATE: Good. GIBBS: We're just going to humor him. McGee, says he's been reporting this to nine-one one, can't get anybody to believe him. MCGEE: Gee. What a surprise. GIBBS: Trace the call. I want to hear one of them. MCGEE: On it. GIBBS: Kate, he's a former Marine. Probably W-W-Two. Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his S.R.B. KATE: You got a Social Security number? GIBBS: They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served. KATE: So how am I supposed to get his S-R-B without a serial number? GIBBS: Well Kate, you can ask him. KATE: Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his shoe size. GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Corporal Yost! YOST: (SHOUTS) Yo! GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Serial number! YOST: (SHOUTS) Three three zero zero nine zero, Sir! GIBBS: Or you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients. KATE: He won the Medal of Honor? GIBBS: You don't win the Medal of Honor, Kate. You're awarded it for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty. YOST: (TO TONY) You got any use for a Metro ticket? It's got ten rides left. Don't want to waste it. TONY: Ah, no thanks. YOST: Ah come on. Too much waste in this world. Everything is disposable now. Disposable camera. Disposable razors. I won't be needing them. TONY: I drive. YOST: Oh. They took my license away. TONY: How come? YOST: Got old. It's a fatal mistake. But I can fly anywhere. For free. I uh... I don't have anybody to visit anymore. TONY: I'm sorry. What a waste. How'd you score a sweet deal like that? (YOST HANDS THE MEDAL TO TONY) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: What do we have here, Gibbs? GIBBS: Murder weapon. ABBY: Cold case? GIBBS: Icicles. ABBY: Hmm. It's rust from potassium chlorate in the powder mix. GIBBS: Hasn't been fired recently. ABBY: They didn't even use this kind of ammo when you were in the Marines, Gibbs. Check out the muzzle end of the slide. See that coloring mismatch? That's from hardening after the finish was applied. This weapon is circa early nineteen forties. GIBBS: A year or two before I joined the Corps. (SFX: METAL SCRAPING) GIBBS: Dirt? ABBY: Looks like black sand. GIBBS: Trace its origin. ABBY: Don't I always? Hey Gibbs, are you going to tell me what this is about? GIBBS: A Marine who doesn't clean his weapon after firing it. ABBY: Wow. Things must be really slow upstairs. YOST: (V.O.) I never said I shot him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY YOST: I beat him to death with it. Over the head. GIBBS: Who? YOST: My buddy. Corporal Wade Kean. GIBBS: Why? YOST: Why? GIBBS: Why would you kill your buddy? YOST: I don't think he believes me, kid. TONY: Me either. YOST: Well, what do you know. You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye. GIBBS: Mister Yost... YOST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Why? Is that all he's gonna ask me? TONY: Pretty much 'till he gets an answer. YOST: All right. You want an answer? I'll give you an answer. (LONG BEAT) I don't know why. GIBBS: You don't know why? YOST: No. GIBBS: Okay, then I don't believe you killed him, Mister Yost. YOST: Why won't anybody believe me? I killed him! I smashed him over the head. I... beat his brains in! Blood was coming out of his brain! GIBBS: Calm down, Mister Yost. Relax. Relax. YOST: Where's my forty five!? (LOUDER) Where's my forty five!? I had it when I came in here. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) I have your forty five. I have your forty five... You gave it to me. YOST: Good. You see, that's evidence. That'll prove that I... that I... GIBBS: Tony, get him a drink of water. TONY: All right. Come with me, Mister Yost. The water cooler's right over here. YOST: It's not a water cooler. It's called a scuttle butt. How long have you been in the Corps, kid? TONY: Since I met Gibbs. This way. (TONY AND YOST WALK O.S.) MCGEE: Boss, Winchester, Virginia, P.D. got seven nine-one-one calls from Yost during the past eleven days. GIBBS: Let me hear the last one. 911 OPERATOR: (ON TAPE) Nine one one. YOST: (ON TAPE) Hi, got a pencil and paper ready? 911 OPERATOR: (ON TAPE) Sir, I have a computer. What is the emergency you wish to report? YOST: (ON TAPE) Well there's a dead man. Well, actually it's not an emergency to him anymore. He's dead. The emergency is for me. See, it's getting late in the day, very late. 911 OPERATOR: (ON TAPE) Mister Yost, is this you again...? GIBBS: I heard enough. MCGEE: The police investigated a couple times, found him to be inebriated and that he started making the calls when his wife passed away. GIBBS: Yeah. KATE: His citation of conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty. GIBBS: GIBBS: Corporal Ernest Yost, U.S. Marine Corps, First Battalion, Twenty Eighth Marine, Fifth Marine Division at Iwo Jima, Volcano Island, Four March, Nineteen Forty-five. In terrain studded with caves and ravines, Corporal Yost was standing point forward of our lines when he spotted Japanese troops attempting to infiltrate under the cover of darkness. He immediately waged (V.O.) a fierce battle during which a grenade gravely wounded his right hand and fractured his thigh. Near exhaustion from profuse bleeding, he continued to defend his forward position, engaging in hand-to-hand combat when he was out of ammunition. (CONT.) At dawn, Corporal Yost was found amid the bodies of twenty six Japanese soldiers he had killed in his self-sacrificing (ON CAMERA) defense of his forward position. YOST: What? GIBBS: We just heard about your wife, Mister Yost. You have my sympathies, Sir. YOST: Thank you. Buried her two weeks ago. Ball's Bluff National Cemetery. We were married fifty eight years. Dorothy...she was a peach. (CRIES) She was... a peach. Now can we get on with this!? GIBBS: You're not in custody, Mister Yost. YOST: Now don't say that, Agent Gibbs. I didn't get anything for dinner tonight. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. KATE: I'd love to buy you dinner, Mister Yost. YOST: You would? MCGEE: Me, too. YOST: She asked first. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We don't know yet! Videoconference. Five minutes. (TO DINOZZO) DiNozzo, entertain Mister Yost a little while longer. YOST: Does that mean you're going to hold me? GIBBS: No! FAITH: (V.O.) Oh yes you will! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY FAITH: (ON MONITOR) You see this seal, Special Agent Gibbs? Do you recognize the signature? GIBBS: Yeah. FAITH: (ON MONITOR) Your eyesight isn't as bad as they say. GIBBS: How did SECNAV get involved in this? FAITH: (ON MONITOR) Apparently letters from Medal of Honor recipients get read. GIBBS: Yost wrote him? FAITH: (ON MONITOR) More than wrote. He confessed to murdering a Corporal Wade Kean, U.S.M.C. GIBBS: Did he say where? FAITH: (V.O.) No. GIBBS: When? FAITH: (V.O.) No. GIBBS: Why? FAITH: (ON MONITOR) No. And that's why you're going to open up a case to get those answers. GIBBS: Commander, this man stood tall in hell. His wife just died. He does get loaded sometimes. Even when he's not loaded, he's loaded. FAITH: (ON MONITOR) Decisions over competency to stand trial are not yours to make. They're for experts in neuropsychiatry and a court. Now let me ask you one question, Special Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Just one? FAITH: (ON MONITOR) What's the statute of limitations on murder? (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Statement of Mister Ernie Yost, Medal of Honor recipient, NCIS Special Agent L. Jethro Gibbs. YOST: Jethro. I used to know a ballplayer named Jethro. Negro League. GIBBS: Do you understand your rights? YOST: Oh, sure. Sure, yeah. That Italian kid read them to me. De... Di... GIBBS: DiNozzo. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY YOST: (V.O./FILTERED) Tony. He'd make a heck of a ballplayer. TONY: Promised me a tryout. Said he used to be a scout for the Senators. DUCKY: How sad. You're obviously too old to be a professional ballplayer. YOST: Now like I told you... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM YOST: I killed my best friend... Wade. GIBBS: Why? YOST: Now that again? GIBBS: If you want me to charge you. YOST: You know, Wade could do a kip. A kip up. He'd lay flat on his back on the barracks deck. And in one move, he'd jerk his body and land on his feet. Have you ever seen anybody do anything like that, huh? Well, you wouldn't forget. I got this Metro card here. It's got ten rides left. Do you want it? GIBBS: No, thanks. YOST: Yeah, it seems silly. Wade. You know, all I remember is killing him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: All right, Mister Yost. Tony can give you a ride home. YOST: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm trying to remember. You know, I know you need to know why. GIBBS: That would be nice. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM: YOST: You know I... you know I think... I think... it was him or me. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Him or me. I took this pistol... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRENCH - FLASHBACK YOST: (V.O.) And I smashed his brains in. Wade... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM: YOST: I smashed... I smashed his brains in! We're all covered with blood! GIBBS: You don't have to remember any more, Mister Yost. Take a deep breath. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. (YOST GASPS B.G.) YOST: Phew. It smells like rotten eggs in here. GIBBS: Tony, let's get Mister Yost some air. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY GIBBS: Well? DUCKY: I'm a medical examiner, not a psychiatrist. GIBBS: I won't sue you, Duck. DUCKY: Well, he reminds me of my great uncle William in Bristol. We'd visit every Christmas. He was always apologizing for sitting naked at the dinner table. GIBBS: He wasn't naked, was he? DUCKY: No. Aunt Gertrude was. I'm sorry, Gibbs. My point is my uncle was a little dotty as is your Mister Yost. GIBBS: Ducky, what do you think he smelled in there? DUCKY: I hesitate to ask. GIBBS: Nothing. It was in his mind. He was back on Iwo. The sulfur island. DUCKY: Sulfur smells like rotten eggs. KATE: Good news, I think. DUCKY: It's not good if you have to think about it. KATE: Corporal Wade Kean was killed in action on Iwo Jima on March third, nineteen forty five according to the Marine Corps casualty list. DUCKY: That's the day before Yost was cited for gallantry. KATE: That means he didn't kill him, right? DUCKY: If no one witnessed the murder Yost alleges committing, they'd assumed that Corporal Kean was killed by the Japanese. I'm sorry, Kate. It doesn't really prove anything except a brave Marine died. GIBBS: Ducky, say Yost's best friend was killed in action. What's he feel? DUCKY: Pain. Anger. Relief. GIBBS: Survivor's guilt. He's glad it's not him. He hates himself for that feeling. DUCKY: Exactly. GIBBS: The next night Yost is in hand-to-hand combat. KATE: So he confused killing a Japanese soldier with killing his friend. GIBBS: This all started when his wife died. Survivor's guilt again, Duck? DUCKY: No wait, wait, wait. You're on to something there. But how do you prove it to him? GIBBS: Kate, prepare an affidavit to exhume the body of Marine Corporal Wade Kean. KATE: At Iwo Jima? GIBBS: He's not in Iwo Jima. We gave the island back to Japan in sixty eight. Every Marine buried there was brought home. You find him. Dig him up. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Oh, "The Sands of Iwo Jima!" (AS JOHN WAYNE) "Guys make mistakes, I guess. But every one we make, the whole stack of chips goes with it." MCGEE: Who said that? TONY: That's John Wayne. Sergeant Striker. Come on. It's in the flick you're downloading. MCGEE: John Wayne is in "To The Shores of Iwo Jima?" TONY: It's sand, McGee. Not shores. MCGEE: No, it's shores. TONY: You're going to challenge me on the name of one of the Duke's finest films? MCGEE: Tony, this isn't a Hollywood film. It's a Marine documentary. "To the Shores of Iwo Jima." TONY: Wow, it's the same footage. MCGEE: The Corps probably let them use it. GIBBS: How's he doing? TONY: Listen to him. GIBBS: That "To the Shores of Iwo Jima?" MCGEE: Yeah, I thought it might help. GIBBS: Good thought. When he wakes up, take him home. TONY: Will do. GIBBS: Stay with him. I don't want him to be alone. TONY: Oh, boss! I've got tickets to the National Ballet tonight. GIBBS: The National Ballet? TONY: Yeah, and the tickets are really hard to get. Tell him, McGee. MCGEE: Um... well... GIBBS: What nation? TONY: It starts with an "S." GIBBS: Bed him down, DiNozzo, and stay with him. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NATIONAL CEMETERY - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) It can't be a coincidence. (ON CAMERA) Yost's wife buried in the same cemetery as Corporal Kean. SUPERINTENDENT: Well, Mister Yost must have requested the plot for he and his wife decades ago to be buried there. I mean this section of the cemetery has been filled since the seventies. GRIFFITH: Left, right, left! Left right, left! Left, right, left...(MARINE CORPS COLORS MARCH TO THE GRAVE SITE: GRIFFITH: Detail halt! Left face! (TO GIBBS) Marine burial detail present as requested, Special Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Thank you, Colonel. Now we're ready. (SFX: TRACTOR BEGINS DIGGING DIRT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Skeletal remains as expected. They were buried only in a canvas bag or poncho. Twenty years in sulfuric soil takes its toll. KATE: What's that in his teeth? GIBBS: Dog tag. When you were killed in action, one of your dog tags was inserted between your teeth and your lower jaw was slammed shut locking it in place so the body could always be identified. KATE: Oh, god! DUCKY: Traumatized bilateral amputation of the legs. KATE: Artillery shell? GIBBS: Land mine. Check the top of the skull, Ducky. Here. (BEAT) Don't tell me. DUCKY: I'm afraid there is a blunt force fracture. GIBBS: You've got to do it. DUCKY: The pattern mark's a rough fit. GIBBS: He said he was bringing us evidence. (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NCIS BUILDING - DAY FAITH: Yost confessed in a letter to SECNAV. He surrendered the murder weapon. Your own medical examiner matched it to the tool mark on the victim's skull fracture. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY FAITH: What more do you want? GIBBS: Motive. FAITH: I don't need a motive to prosecute. GIBBS: I do. McGee.(SFX: VIDEO PLAYS) YOST: (MUFFLED ON MONITOR) I picked up this pistol and I hit him with it. I smashed his brains in! Wade. I smashed his brains in.... I smashed his brains in! We were all covered with blood! DOCTOR: Take a deep breath. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. (SFX: MONITOR CLICKS OFF) GIBBS: Look at him, Commander. He's living in agony over something he didn't do. FAITH: How do you know? GIBBS: Have you ever been in combat? FAITH: No. GIBBS: The only one you depend on is the buddy next to you. He's closer to you than your brother. Why would you smash his head in? FAITH: God only knows. GIBBS: Well then he had better tell me... because I don't understand, and neither does Yost. FAITH: I'm tired of arguing with you, Gibbs. Deliver Yost to the Quantico brig.... GIBBS: I can't do that. FAITH: Damn it, Gibbs. Do you think I want to incarcerate an eighty two year old man? I'm following the SECNAV's direct orders. He said investigate. You did, and found enough evidence to hold him over for a court martial. Now take him into custody. GIBBS: I said can't... not wouldn't. FAITH: Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped. GIBBS: The older they are, the sneakier they are. KATE: Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every ten minutes. We gave up escorting him and one time he just didn't come back. MCGEE: We found a window open. He must have shimmied down the drain pipe. FAITH: I'd like to have seen that. GIBBS: We think the weak bladder was a trick to get us to let down our guard. KATE: We're sick about it, Commander. FAITH: Yes, I can see that. You all look absolutely devastated. MCGEE: I put out an A-P-B. Airports. Train stations. Taxi cabs. Walker rentals. FAITH: All right, Gibbs. I'll give you twenty-four hours and that's it. I want Yost at the Quantico brig at zero eight hundred tomorrow. GIBBS: We'll be there. FAITH: I don't give a damn if you're there. Just make sure Yost is. (FAITH WALKS O.S.) KATE: Gibbs, maybe she's right. Commander Coleman admits that JAG doesn't want to incarcerate him so what's the worst that can happen? GIBBS: Dishonorable discharge... and a loss of his Medal of Honor. KATE: I hadn't thought of that. GIBBS: Yeah. Neither has Yost. And there's worse. A hero... could go to his grave carrying a guilt he doesn't deserve. I won't let that happen. KATE: So what do we do? GIBBS: Find every living Marine who served with Yost on Iwo Jima. KATE: If there is one. (BEAT) Right. GIBBS: McGee. MCGEE: Boss. GIBBS: I want you and Abby to reconstruct the battle. That Marine documentary you downloaded is a start. I want to follow Corporals Yost and Kean minute by minute. From D-Day until Kean was killed and Yost was evacuated. MCGEE: You got it, Boss. GIBBS: I want it so real I can smell the sulfur. MCGEE: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. YOST'S LIVING ROOM - DAY (YOST TURNS ON THE RECORD PLAYER) (BAND MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) YOST: Hey! That was fun last night. You got some arm on you, kid. TONY: That was luck. YOST: What? TONY: (SHOUTS) I said it-- (TONY CLICKS OFF THE RECORD PLAYER) TONY: I said I was lucky. What's that? YOST: It's Wild Turkey. Milk back. Want one? TONY: Uh, I don't think my stomach can handle it after the chili dogs last night. YOST: I've been drinking one of these every morning for almost fifty years. Semper fi. TONY: You got any coffee? YOST: Percolator in there. Yeah. You know, speaking of luck... let me tell you, we almost didn't get to Iwo. TONY: No. YOST: We were in a forty knot gale. The ship was like a roller coaster. Up one wave. Down the next. And me and Wade are leaning over the railing puking like we had spent the weekend liberty at the slop chute. And guess what happened? TONY: You fell in. YOST: No. A torpedo shoots out of the water, zips over our heads. That close! Flies right into the sea. Right over the ship! I guess our number wasn't up. TONY: So what's it feel like? YOST: Smooth. TONY: Being a hero. YOST: Oh, I'm no hero. TONY: Medal says you are. YOST: The real heroes never came back. They deserved that, not me. Not me. I was scared to death. I don't even remember doing what they said I did. TONY: You don't remember killing all those Japanese soldiers? YOST: No, it's like someone else did it. Maybe somebody else did. I don't know. TONY: Maybe it was someone else who killed Wade. YOST: You want to look at some pictures? TONY: Sure. YOST: First drawer there. That's it. There. Here you go. Here you go. There's me. There's Ferris Bellows. Chip Stearns. And that's Wade next to me. We took this on the Canal. TONY: Guadalcanal? YOST: Yeah, two days before I got hit in the chest. TONY: You got wounded on Guadalcanal and then they sent you to Iwo? YOST: Just not me. A lot of Marines, you know. Chip got hit on the Canal. Caught one in the butt. (TONY AND YOST LAUGH) YOST: We never let him forget it. Well... Nambu cut him down on Iwo. Here. Here. This is my Dorothy. TONY: Oh, man! She's hot! Sorry, Ernie. YOST: That's okay, kid. She was hot. She was the cutest Navy nurse in Hawaii. TONY: Is that how you two met? YOST: Yep. I don't even remember the hospital ship. But when I finally opened my eyes on Oahu, she was the first thing I saw. Love at first sight. TONY: So you two get married before you shipped out to Iwo Jima? YOST: No, no. We had to wait until after the war. Her being an officer and me enlisted... I would lay in my rack at night and ache for her. TONY: I'll bet your buddies were jealous. YOST: Who told you that?! TONY: Nobody! She's gorgeous! I'm just saying... who wouldn't be jealous? YOST: I have to take a whiz. ABBY: (V.O.) Iwo Jima, five miles long... MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: ... half of that in width. Twenty seven thousand Japanese dug in so deep, that ten weeks of bombardment couldn't touch them. MCGEE: One out of every three Marines on Iwo Jima was a casualty. ABBY: The Japanese had eight hundred pill boxes and three miles of tunnels on that tiny little island. MCGEE: The Marines hoped to take Mount Suribachi on the first day. ABBY: It took five before the famous flag-raising. And then the battle went on for about a month after that. MCGEE: It was actually the second flag to be raised. The first was too small to be seen by all the Marines. GIBBS: Hey, I am only interested in two Marines, Corporals Yost and Kean. ABBY: Gibbs, we're trying to give you a little background here. GIBBS: I got that, Abby, at Parris Island. ABBY: Okay. D-Day. Zero nine hundred. Blue Beach One. Corporals Yost and Kean land with the Twenty-fifth Regimen of the Fourth Division. (V.O.) They're about to take the airfield with the Third Division, while the Fifth Division takes Suribachi and advances up the west coast. MCGEE: First Airfield falls on D-Day and they sweep up the east shore towards the sulfur quarry and Airfield Two. ABBY: Estimates were five days, ten max. MCGEE: Over two weeks later they are still trying to take that second airfield. ABBY: Corporal Kean's body was found here, Turkey Knob. MCGEE: The next night Yost was cited for the Medal of Honor here about five hundred yards away. GIBBS: What's this here? ABBY: That's the gap between the Fourth and Third Division lines. The night that Corporal Kean died, the Japanese had amassed several hundred troops for a banzai charge. MCGEE: They were getting desperate. See, up until then they'd only fought from inside their bunkers. GIBBS: Kean was killed here below the cave mouth. ABBY: Within spitting distance. GIBBS: He stepped on a landmine. He'd blown off both his legs. He was in severe pain. This ditch runs north where the Japanese were amassing. They had to pass within yards of Kean and Yost. KATE: You think... Yost hit him in the head to keep him quiet? GIBBS: Well, that's got to be it! He had no reason to kill him. He was his buddy! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. YOST'S LIVING ROOM - DAY TONY: Ernie! YOST: Hold your horses. I'm coming. I'll bet you never had a ham and cheese like this. You see, I mix mayo with mustard... TONY: Is this Wade and Dorothy? It looks like a high school photo. YOST: It was the senior prom. She was queen. He was king. TONY: Wade knew Dorothy before you. Ernie, were they sweethearts? (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: I don't believe it. TONY: It doesn't matter, Boss. He does. KATE: Commander Coleman is going to use this to put Yost away for the rest of his life. TONY: Do we have to tell her? GIBBS: Well, no, Special Agent DiNozzo. Here at NCIS we just report evidence we like. KATE: You know, Gibbs, it doesn't change your theory. Corporal Kean was in pain from his wounds. Yost knocked him out to keep his cries from alerting passing Japanese. So over the years Yost begins questioning himself. Did he have to hit him that hard to silence him? Or did he do it to get the woman that they both loved? MCGEE: Well, I tracked down Private Bellows. He was in Vegas last month playing blackjack. Double downed on two aces, caught two queens. Reached for his chips and dropped dead. Billows' death makes Yost the last surviving Marine from his unit on Iwo. KATE: It's just so hard to believe that there's nobody left on the planet who was there that night. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) YOST: Do you guys like Benny Goodman? I'm an Artie Shaw man myself. Now don't get me wrong. Benny Goodman was great. But Artie Shaw... when he lifted that clarinet. Boy, did we argue about that! Wade loved Goodman. Me? Artie Shaw any day. Do you dance? KATE: Yes, sure! YOST: (SINGS) When they begin the beguine It brings back the sound of music so tender It brings back a night of tropical splendor It brings back a memory evergreen (HUMS) ....orchestra's playing... (HUMS) (PASSAGE OF TIME) (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) FAITH: Where's Gibbs?! TONY: Good afternoon to you, too, Commander Coleman. FAITH: He was to deliver Corporal Yost to me. YOST: Present and accounted for, Sir! FAITH: ... It's now eight hundred. You're Ernest Yost? YOST: Yes, Ma'am. TONY: This is Lieutenant Commander Coleman, Ernie. JAG Corps. She's here to uh... arrest you. YOST: I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Commander. TONY: What's with the Olsen twins? FAITH: They're here to escort the accused to Quantico. YOST: Well, it's about time. KATE: We'll deliver him. FAITH: You've had two days to do that. (SFX: MARINES SALUTE YOST) GIBBS: Right on time, Commander. FAITH: I'm on time? You're the one who failed to deliver the accused to me at zero eight hundred. GIBBS: I've got a witness. FAITH: Witness to what? GIBBS: What happened the night Corporal Kean died. MCGEE: You couldn't have! I mean, you could have. Obviously you did. Did I miss someone in his unit? GIBBS: No, all Marines are deceased. YOST: Ernie's alive. FAITH: Gibbs. GIBBS: Commander, there were more than Marines in Iwo Jima. There were more than twenty thousand Japanese. FAITH: They were all killed. GIBBS: Not all. A few were taken prisoner. Some never returned to Japan. FAITH: You found a Japanese soldier who fought on Iwo Jima? GIBBS: A Japanese Lieutenant right here in this District as it so happens. FAITH: As it so happens. GIBBS: Yes. FAITH: And where is this miraculous find? GIBBS: Well, he went to the bathroom on the way in. He should be here any... Lieutenant Commander Coleman. Hitoshi Yoshida. Former Lieutenant, Japanese Imperial Army. FAITH: You were an Imperial Army Lieutenant? YOSHIDA: Army of Emperor... Lieutenant. Hai. FAITH: Taken prisoner by Marines on Iwo Jima? YOSHIDA: Marine....to... GIBBS: English isn't his thing. FAITH: Gibbs. I don't know what you're trying to do. GIBBS: Trying to get to the truth, Faith. FAITH: (LONG BEAT) You're only delaying the inevitable. GIBBS: All we have to lose is a little time. FAITH: Okay, I will give you a little time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY FAITH: What's Gibb's doing?(SFX: MATCH LIGHTS) DUCKY: He's creating the smell of sulfur. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Corporal Yost. YOST: Sir! GIBBS: Iwo Jima. Hill Three Eighty-two. The Meat Grinder. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY TONY: Start the tape. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (SFX: MATCH LIGHTS) (SFX: VIDEO OF LANDING PLAYS) NARRATOR: (V.O.) Five hundred landing craft in ten waves advance on three thousand yards of beach. (SFX: EXPLOSION ON TAPE) (SFX: MATCH LIGHTS) GIBBS: Night patrol. Probing Japanese lines. You, Private Stearns, Private Bellows, Private Morris, Corporal Kean. (SFX: EXPLOSIONS ON TAPE) YOST: I killed him. GIBBS: He stepped on a mine. YOST: Blew his legs off. But I killed him.(SFX: MATCH LIGHTS) YOSHIDA: (SHOUTS IN JAPANESE) Tonight we kill Marines! Their blood will honor us! (SFX: EXPLOSIONS ON TAPE) (SFX: MATCH LIGHTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. IWO JIMA - FLASHBACK (SFX: EXPLOSIONS ON TAPE) (KEAN SHOUTS/ CRIES B.G.) CORPORAL YOST: (WHISPERS) Quiet! Shh! You gotta keep quiet, Wade! Come on! (KEAN SHOUTS/ CRIES LOUDLY B.G.) YOST: (WHISPERS) Suck it up, Wade! Try! KEAN: I can't! BELLOWS: (WHISPERS) Shut him up! Shut him up! YOST: Shh. Wade, shh! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM YOSHIDA: (IN JAPANESE) Quiet! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. IWO JIMA - FLASHBACK BELLOWS: (WHISPERS) Ernie, do something!(SFX: KEAN CRIES LOUDLY) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) (SFX: GUNFIRE) YOST: Shh! YOSHIDA: (IN JAPANESE) I hear something! YOST: Shh! Shh! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. IWO JIMA - FLASHBACK CORPORAL YOST: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!(SFX: KEAN CRIES LOUDLY) BELLOWS: Ernie! STEARNS: Ernie, shut him up! Shut him up! BELLOWS: Ernie, make him stop! CORPORAL YOST: Sorry, buddy.(SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE B.G.) (SFX: VOICES IN JAPANESE B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM YOST: (CRIES) Sorry, Wade! I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM YOST: (CRIES/V.O.) I'm sorry. TONY: Well... FAITH: I will inform the SECNAV that former Marine Corporal Ernest Yost is suffering from Delayed Stress Syndrome. Corporal Kean was killed in action. Not by Yost. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY YOST: You're not going to arrest me either? GIBBS: Nope. You struck Corporal Kean to quiet him, not to kill him. You had no choice. Sit down. YOST: How can I be sure? Tell me that, Gibbs. How can I ever be sure? GIBBS: You met Dorothy in Hawaii after you were wounded on Guadalcanal. YOST: Yes. She was a Navy nurse. GIBBS: You decide to get married before you shipped off to Iwo? YOST: Yeah, I told you. It was love at first sight. We were going to get hitched when one of us was discharged. GIBBS: Who was going to be your best man? YOST: That was going to be Wade. He was...(BEAT) I asked Wade! He knew I was going to marry Dorothy! He said no hard feelings. He thought we were meant for each other. GIBBS: Ernie, you did what you did to save the rest of your patrol. No other reason. Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner. YOST: You were never an officer? GIBBS: Oh hell no! YOST: I knew there was something about you I liked. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT GIBBS: Semper fi! YOST: Semper fi! (SFX: YOST CHOKES ON SAKI) YOST: Sail again? GIBBS: Yeah, why not? (IN JAPANESE) More saki, please! YOSHIDA: (IN JAPANESE) More saki. Coming up. Hai. GIBBS: (IN JAPANESE) Thank you. YOST: You conned me, Gunny! GIBBS: Nah. Would I do that to you? YOST: You're damn right you would! And I want to thank you for it. (TO YOSHIDA) And you were never on Iwo Jima. YOSHIDA: Iwo Jima. No. YOST: Ah. YOSHIDA: (HALTINGLY) Guadalcanal. (MUSIC UP OVER ENDING CREDITS UP AND OUT)

Plan: A: Marine; Q: What branch of the military did Ernie Yost serve in? A: an Emmy-nominated performance; Q: What kind of performance did Charles Durning give? A: World War II; Q: What war did Corporal Ernie Yost fight in? A: his friend; Q: Who did Ernie Yost confess to murdering? A: the Battle of Iwo Jima; Q: What battle did Corporal Yost fight in? A: the warmth; Q: What draws the team to the veteran? A: the team; Q: Who becomes personally involved? A: the fateful night; Q: What is the team trying to reconstruct? A: Gibbs; Q: Who enlists the help of a Japanese veteran? Summary: A former Marine and Medal of Honor recipient Corporal Ernie Yost (in an Emmy-nominated performance by Charles Durning ) who fought in World War II confesses to having murdered his friend during the Battle of Iwo Jima while battling against the Japanese. Drawn by the warmth of the veteran, the team become personally involved and reconstruct the fateful night to find out what really happened while Gibbs enlists the help of a Japanese veteran he befriended.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] (OPEN in Luke's Diner) LORELAI: Luke, will you marry me? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Luke will you... LUKE: Yes! LORELAI: Well, you don't have to answer so... LUKE: Yes! LORELAI: We can take a minute to... LUKE: No! (they look at each other happy & surprised) LORELAI: So..what now? LUKE: I don't know. This is new for me. LORELAI: We should do something official. LUKE: Official.. LORELAI: Yeah! Something to commemorate the moment. I mean we're getting married (Lorelai rises from her chair), Luke. Married..You and me...Luke-table-for-one-Danes and Lorelai-I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage-Gilmore are getting (deep breath) married. Uh? (They look at each other awkwardly. After a beat) LUKE: (after a beat) We could toast. LORELAI: Toast! Yes! Toast, good. What do we toast with? (Luke looks around) I mean I know you won't have champagne (Luke goes in the kitchen) but maybe some wine or bear or something? LUKE: Nothing. I got nothing! (Lorelai goes behind the counter and starts looking) LORELAI: No, you must have something. LUKE: Grapefruit juice or Worcestershire sauce LORELAI: Neither sounds very festive. LUKE: We can cut it with some festive ketchup LORELAI: No, we need something sparkly! (after a beat) Come on (she grabs his arm and starts dragging him to the door) LUKE: Where are we going? LORELAI: To Funkytown LUKE: Hey! Wait! (they stop in front of the door) LORELAI: What? Did you change your mind? Oh! How did I screw up so fast! Was the Funkytown thing too quippy, cause I thought you liked that about me but... LUKE: No, the Funkytown thing was fine! I just...Are you sure you wan to celebrate now? I mean a minute ago when you came in here... LORELAI: I just want to be happy right now. Okay? LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Good! Come on! LUKE: where are we going? (they exit the diner) (CUT outside in front of the gazebo. Taylor is standing in front of the trophy table and Kirk is giving one of the bikers a massage) KIRK: (to biker) Hey, am I doing this right? BIKER1: What? KIRK: Never mind. TAYLOR: That?s great grandpa! Take your time, I have no home life! (Taylor looks at his watch) Six hours I've been standing here waiting for this ridiculous race to end! OK! That?s it! Race is OVER! (to woman standing behind the trophy table) Maggie I want you to start breaking all this stuff down. If I don't get these tables back by midnight I pay for another day. MAGGIE: But we haven't given out the trophies to the winners yet! TAYLOR: Who cares about giving out the trophies? There's noone here to see the winners get them except the losers, who I'm sure could give a rat's toushy if the winners get a trophy or not. MAGGIE: OK. So do I put them back in the bubble rap..? TAYLOR: (takes trophy out of Maggie?s hand) Just give it to me! Hey who was first? BIKER2: (rises hand) Here. TAYLOR: Congratulations (throws the trophy at him)! Who's second? BIKER3: (gets up from a bench) Right here. TAYLOR: (throws the trophy at him also) Here! Third? (throws the trophy to a random biker) RANDOM BIKER: I wasn't third? TAYLOR: Rat's toushy, party of one. OK, everybody listen up. I want this square packer up and cleared out in 10 minutes! (looks over at Dosee's Market. Luke & Lorelai are standing in front of the door. Taylor yells at them) Hey we're closed! The market is closed! What is wrong with people tonight? (In front of the market door) LUKE: It's closed! LORELAI: Huh! These small town hours! I hate small town hours! As soon as we get married we have to move. (Taylor walks up to them) TAYLOR: Hey you two, what are you doing there? LORELAI: Taylor, great! We need to get in. TAYLOR: We open at six tomorrow. LORELAI: OK, Taylor listen. You're going to be the first one to hear the big news. TAYLOR: Do I have to hear it now? I have so many things to do... LORELAI: Luke and I are engaged. (Luke puts his arm over Lorelai's shoulder and starts rubbing her back gently) TAYLOR: You are? LORELAI: As of just a few minutes ago. TAYLOR: Well what do you know! I thought there was a better chance of all four of the Beatles getting back together than you two ever coming down enough to get engaged. LORELAI: Oh well...Wonder of wonder, Miracle of miracles. Right? (Lorelai starts pointing to the door anxiously) LUKE: Can you just open this door Taylor? TAYLOR: What do you need in the store? LORELAI: We need something to toast this moment with. TAYLOR: Something alcoholic? LORELAI: Yes! (Taylor starts pulling Lorelai aside) TAYLOR: You know, Lorelai, if you feel you have to be drunk to be with him maybe... LUKE: (frustrated) Taylor will you just open the door? TAYLOR: Oh, all right. (Taylor gets his keys out unlocks the door and lets them in) (CUT in the market) LORELAI: Where do you keep the champagne? TAYLOR: (points at an aisle) Over there. Top shelf. LORELAI: Where? (moves where he's pointed) TAYLOR: Top shelf, top shelf! LORELAI: Here? TAYLOR: Well I'm out of ways of saying top shelf Lorelai. (they reach the shelf. Lorelai grabs a bottle of champagne) LORELAI: Taylor, its 5.99! TAYLOR: It's inexpensive, yes, but you'll still get a buzz! LORELAI: Luke did you find anything yet? LUKE: Nothing! No wine, no beer, no cooking sherry! It's like Dylan Thomas just blew through town. TAYLOR: I'm sorry. These bikers just wiped me out. They may look like health nuts, but they knock it back. LORELAI: Oh, Taylor, you have to have something! TAYLOR: Lorelai I'm sorry but...ooooohhh wait a minute! I think I have a case of Zima in the back (goes to the storage room) LORELAI: (very excited starts jumping up and down) Really? Luke! He's got Zima in the back! He's got Zima in the back! (Luke puts a calming had on her arm) TAYLOR: Yup! (Taylor comes out from the storage room holding up a case) Babette had me stocking it for a while. I was using it for a step stool, but I'm sure it's OK. LORELAI: We'll take it! LUKE: Let's just drive to Woodbridge. They have a liquor barn there. LORELAI: NO! I don't want to drive to Woodbridge. I want to celebrate now. LUKE: But men aren't supposed to drink Zima. LORELAI: Pay the man. TAYLOR: You can forget the tax. Consider it an engagement present. (Luke drops some cash on the case of Zima) LORELAI: Thank you Taylor. (to Luke) Come on, get the Zima! (Lorelai stats to leave, Luke takes the case from Taylor, Taylor takes the cash of the box. They start moving to the door) (CUT outside) TAYLOR: Get those cables on the truck. Hustle, people! Hustle! (Luke and Lorelai keep walking to the gazebo) LUKE: where are you going? LORELAI: I know the perfect toasting place. LUKE: Is it far? LORELAI: Which one of us is not getting into the romantic spirit? LUKE: The one with the case full of chick beer under his arm. (Some bikers are sitting around at the gazebo. Lorelai shoos them away) LORELAI: Shoo! Shoo! Come on, Shoo! (they are now standing on the nicely lit gazebo) LORELAI: Here! LUKE: Right here? LORELAI: Right here! LUKE: Oookay! (he puts the case down, and gets two bottles of Zima out. Hands one to Lorelai) LORELAI: OK! So, Here's to us. LUKE: To us! (they are about to cling their bottles when the lights go out, and the town square is completely dark) LORELAI: TAYLOR! TAYLOR: The light guys go on golden time in five minutes! LUKE: Taylor turn the light back on! TAYLOR: Well fine! Apparently there's an oil well in the middle of Stars Hollow that no one told me about. Turn them back on Bugsy! (lights come back on) LORELAI: OK! I believe we were right about...(they cling their bottles) there. (they drink. Luke puts his hand on Lorelai's waist and starts to pull her in) Really? You're gonna kiss me now? You're so incredibly predictable. (they kiss as the camera starts to pull back for a greater view of the gazebo) OPENING CREDITS (CUT to Luke's apartment, same night. Lorelai & Luke are lying in bed. Lorelai is about ready to fall asleep. Luke is sitting up, looking a bit anxious) LORELAI: Was this mattress always this comfortable? LUKE: I think so. LORELAI: It feels so much more comfortable. We should drink Zima and have s*x every single night. LUKE: OK. LORELAI: OK. Goodnight. LUKE: Night. (Luke waits a beat and starts in full rant mode) So I said "What about the kids?", I didn't mean "What about our kids?". I mean yes obviously "What about *OUR* kids?". But I didn't mean we had to have any kids, cause we don't, but we can, I just didn't want you to think that I was laying down some kind of a mandate, I mean kids it's plural so it sounds like a lot, but we can just have one kid, one's fine, or more if you want more, or we don't have to have any kids. We could just get a plant. LORELAI: (sleepy) What? LUKE: Nothing. LORELAI: OK. LUKE: I bought a house, Twickham House. I bought it for us, I don't have it any more, I could probably get it back, but I just thought you should know that I bought it. For the kids that we don't have to have. It's a big house and we don't have to fill it up with kids, we could get furniture, you know, go shopping for a couch or get some end tables. I hate shopping for furniture. For me kids are easier. LORELAI: (still sleepy) I love shopping. LUKE: Go to sleep. LORELAI: OK. LUKE: Is this really happening? LORELAI: Yes it's really happening. (Luke starts to lie down. Lorelai suddenly is awake) You bought a house without telling me? LUKE: What? LORELAI: A house? I mean a house is huge! LUKE: Yeah, I know that's why I told you. LORELAI: A house full of kids? LUKE: And a plant! Don't forget the plant. LORELAI: Please don't do that, OK? I mean any other address or life changing decisions, please include me in. LUKE: I will! I am! I'm sorry! I won't! I will. LORELAI: OK. (they settle back in bed not facing each other) LUKE: Sorry. LORELAI: Kids would be good. (they both smile) (CUT to Luke's Diner, morning. Luke is serving customers. He's really pleasant) LUKE: All right. Blueberry pancakes scrambled eggs CUSTOMER WITH THE PANCAKES: I didn't ask for blueberry. LUKE: Any oxidants are on the house today. Who wants coffee? Aahh! (Luke approaches a table) Here you go Trudy (pours her coffee). Hey, top that off for you Mac? HEy what do you say? Cup'o joe Jo? (Patty & Babette enter the diner) BABETTE: Where the hell is he? PATTY: There! He's right there! BARBETTE: Get over here you! PATTY: I can't believe it! (both ladies are very excited they hug Luke and he hugs them back) BABETTE: You finally did it you dumb son of a bitch! You finally got in there and closed the deal! PATTY: Took you long enough! LUKE: All right easy you two (Luke guides them to an empty table and they sit) PATTY: You know we should be very mad at you. LUKE: Why? BABETTE: Because we had to find out from someone else that you and Lorelai are engaged. PATTY: East Side Tillie (patty does a spitting sound) BABETTE: She was spreading it around town like she was gonna be a bride's maid or something. LUKE: Tillie is not going to be a bride's maid. BABETTE: But it's true. You are engaged, right? LUKE: Right. BABETTE: So we want to hear the whole thing! PATTY: The whole play by play. BARBETTE: How did't happen? PATTY: How'd you do it? LUKE: Do what? BARBETTE: How'd you propose to Lorelai? LUKE: Oh...I..well... BABETTE: Did you get down on one knee? PATTY: Did you take her somewhere special? BABETTE: Did you hide the ring in anything? PATTY: Oh! like a glass of champagne or a canoli. LUKE: Actually, I'm still working on the ring. BABETTE: OH! so the proposal was spontaneous, huh? PATTY: Oh the spontaneous proposals are the best, you know. BABETTE: Yeah! Morey proposed to me spontaneously. (to Luke) Did I ever tell you the story? LUKE: Um..No! BABETTE: It was a brisk fall night, and Morey was on top (Luke reacts), no...wait, I was on top LUKE: (wierded out) What? BABETTE: Hold on! Stony Morrison was on top LUKE: Babette! BABETTE: We were playing Twister! Did I not mention that? LUKE: No! BABETTE: I probably should have PATTY: Well enough about us, honey. Come on Luke, tell us how'd you do it? LUKE: Well actually I didn't. Lorelai proposed to me. BARBETTE & PATTY: (clearly disappointed) Oh...!? PATTY: You went modern. BABETTE: Well that's still OK sugar (puts a hand on his arm and starts rubbing it in comforting way). The important thing is you're getting married! PATTY: (sounding very sorry for him) We're very happy for you Luke. BABETTE: Yes we are. PATTY: Yeah! LUKE: Well thanks (looks a bit uncomfortable), I've got some work to do. I'll talk to you guys later. (Luke gets up, and Patty & Babette watch him leave) PATTY: She proposed... BABETTE: Yeah. Well thank God he's got a good ass. (CUT to outside, in front of the gazebo. Town Troubadour is singing. Lorelai walk past him and the camera follows her. She Stops and looks towards the TH) (CUT to in front of the TH. A realtor is putting up an "For Sale" sign) LORELAI: (to realtor) Hi REALTOR: Oh! Hello there! LORELAI: For sale again, huh? REALTOR: Yes. We had an offer but the buyer backed out. (whispering) Toxic bachelor type. (back to normal volume) But we think it will move fast. It has all the original fixtures, great lighting, a ton of terrific potential. LORELAI: Yeah it does. REALTOR: You interested? LORELAI: Oh..well, maybe. REALTOR: (gives Lorelai an advertising flier. Lorelai takes it) It would be a great house for kids. LORELAI: Oh..Please! Not you too. REALTOR: I'm sorry, What? (Lorelai's phone rings) LORELAI: Oh, nothing. Sorry. Thanks! (the realtor waves pleasantly and Lorelai walks away to answer the phone. She checks her caller ID, picks up the phone and keeps on walking. Scene cuts between Lorelai walking in the street and Richard at the mansion) LORELAI: Hello. RICHARD: Lorelai! Wonderful! How lucky that I caught you! Now a few things to go over. As you know Rory's court appearance is Tuesday at three. I've retained the services of Charlie Davenport as her attorney. Well you remember Charlie, Lorelai. He bought you a doll for your birthday once. Well he's coming over here tomorrow morning to discuss Rory's case. About eight thirty? LORELAI: (soundind distant and stand offish) Sounds super. RICHARD: You know Charlie doesn't usually take small case like this. He's doing the family a great favour. LORELAI: (same attitude) Charlie sounds like a swell guy. RICHARD: (starting to get upset) He is a swell guy and a top lawyer. You must remember him? LORELAI: Sure he bought me a doll for my birthday once. RICHARD: Well, do you have any questions? LORELAI: Nope! RICHARD: I have to say I thought you would have had more interest in this subject than you seem to. LORELAI: Really? Huh? So is there anything else? RICHARD: No, there isn't anything else! I just wanted to fill you in! Will we see you tomorrow morning? LORELAI: For what? RICHARD: (in the verge of yelling) For the meeting with Charlie Davenport! LORELAI: (a bit sarcastic) Oh!? No! It sounds like you have everything under control. RICHARD: (now obviously mad with her) Fine! I'll talk to you later! LORELAI: Tell Charlie thanks for the doll for me! (Lorelai hangs up. Richard puts the phone down clearly upset with how the conversation went). (CUT to pool house. Rory is sleeping. Emily and a maid come in the room) EMILY: (very brightly) Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young! These are the good days (Emily opens the curtains)! There is plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes. (Rory rubs her eyes) Is it stuffy in here? (Emily opens up more curtains. Rory is about to lay back down but the maid pulls the pillows from under her head) So, let's talk about this room. (Emily picks up some painting samples)Now that you're staying here I thought we could spruce the place up. Individualize it to your taste. RORY: You don't have to do any... EMILY: I've been dying to get my hands on this dump for ages. And now I finally have an excuse (pins up a paint sample on a door and looks at it). Huh? Well that?s insane (rips the paper off the door and throws it down. To Rory) You want Hosanna to draw you a bath? RORY: No. EMILY: Hosanna, draw Rory a bath please. Hosanna has a pot of coffee for you in the other room. Interested? (Rory nods. They walk to the main room of the pool house. The kitchen counter is filled with breakfast goodies) RORY: Wow! EMILY: I brought some fabric samples to flip through. RORY: The coffee smells amazing! EMILY: There's cream in the fridge. RORY: When did you have time to do all this? EMILY: Oh! It's amazing what you can get done before eight thirty in the morning. Now I've got some things for you. (Emily opens up a small envelope with keys and notes) Key to the pool house, key to the main house, key to the garage (holds up some keys). The security alarm code, the security alarm password, the number of the security company (Emily points the numbers on a small piece of paper). Now the code to the panic room is: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Don't write it down. And whatever you do, don't tell the maid. They tell their children and then their children grow up and rob you. Now is this all your things or is there more still at school? RORY: Uh...No. I have a lot more...at mum's. EMILY: Oh! Well don't you worry, I'll take care of that. Did you try the danish? I bought it at an organic bakery. (Rory picks at a danish) RORY: So...How'd it go last night? EMILY: Hum? RORY: With mum? Was she mad? I mean of course she was mad. But was it a bad mad? EMILY: Well you know your mother, Rory. Everything is the end of the world. So dramatic. Ladies and Gentlemen Lorelai Barrymore. But don't you worry. She'll calm down, just give it some time. RICHARD (through the intercom): Hello? Is anyone there? (Rory looks surprised, Emily looks very happy) Come in please? RORY: What's that? EMILY: It's just the intercom. (to Richard through the intercom) Yes Richard we're here and we read you! RICHARD (through the intercom): Copy that Emily. Is Rory up yet? Charlie Davenport is here for our meeting. EMILY: Well of course she's up, Richard. Please! Do you think she'd still be asleep at eight thirty in the morning? I have her here looking at fabric samples. We'll be done in a minute and I'll send her right in. (to Rory) We better get you in that bath. (they start walking back to the bedroom) RORY: I didn't know there was an intercom. EMILY: Isn't that wonderful? We're just a push button away. Like Star Treck. (yells at the maid) Hosanna! We're coming in. (CUT to Richard's study they are all drinking coffee. Richard & Charlie are telling old stories laughing. Rory looks bored) RICHARD: I don't think that duck stopped flying until it hit Paraguay CHARLIE: If then... RICHARD: And then of course we came home completely empty handed. Nothing but our whistles in our hands. CHARLIE: You came home empty handed. I came home with the Mittland case. RICHARD: Yes, that's right! On this trip we met Argus Mittland, CEO of Windermier Technologies. Paid for his 32 million dollar main estate and his wife's new lower half, with the companies pension funds. CHARLIE: 94 million dollars in accounting fraud. RICHARD: They had him red-handed. On tape, e-mails. The man was guilty as sin. Where is he now Charlie? CHARLIE: Los Angeles. He just bought Ellen DeGeneres's house. RORY: So, you got him off? RICHARD: And successfully sued for deformation of character. If you knew the number of truly guilty criminals put back on the street by this man here, you'd never believe in the criminal justice system again. CHARLIE: Now Richard, I just realised we've spent so much time talking about ourselves we haven't discussed Rory's case at all. She must have a million questions. Go on Rory. What would you like to know. RORY: Well, I guess I would just like to know, what's going to happen? CHARLIE: (approvingly) Good question. Richard, that is a good question! RICHARD: She's a Gilmore. CHARLIE: Well, Rory, the first that's going to happen is, I'm going to have a little face to face with the prosecutor that's handling your case. We'll go over things, I'll take him out for a cup of coffee.. RICHARD: Just don't take him duck hunting! CHARLIE: (he laughs a bit) And then we will agree on a plea bargain. RORY: Really? No trial? CHARLIE: Hell, no! Considering you're first time offender with demonstrably excellent character. Not to mention your family is standing in the community. The most you'll get is a little Community Service, ten hours give or take. Sound good? RORY: Yeah, sounds very good. RICHARD: Embezzle a pension fund and you'll really see what he can do. CHARLIE: Now Richard, I'm afraid I must be going. (they all start to get up) RICHARD: We appreciate you coming over like this. CHARLIE: Of course. It's a pleasure meeting you Rory. RORY: You too. RICHARD: I'll walk you out Charlie. CHARLIE: And I'll see you on Tuesday young lady. RORY: Thank you Mr Davenport. I swear I will never need your help again. CHARLIE: I'm sure you won't. (Rory exits) CHARLIE: Charming girl RICHARD: She certainly is.(they start walking out of the study) (CUT to pool house same day. Rory enters it and she looks around surprised. It is now empty, but a few arm chairs with some fabric samples and notes saying "Sit On Me" pined on them. Rory sits on one of the chairs and looks around) (CUT to pool house bedroom, night. Rory walks in. We hear a door opening) PARIS: Rory? RORY: In here! (Rory puts on her jacket, Paris walks in) PARIS: You live here? RORY: Home, sweet home. PARIS: Aren't you worried that one night you're gonna sleepwalk right into that pool and drown? RORY: I am now. PARIS: Stuff's in here (points at the closet)? RORY: Go to town. PARIS: I'm meeting more of Doyle's family tonight. I've been meeting people for months. (she goes through Rory's clothes) He's got like five hundred cousins, and you know what? He's the tallest one in the family. RORY: Really? PARIS: Yup. Family get-together is like a Lollipop guilt convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory. RORY: Good, good. Get it all out now. PARIS: (picks out a dress) This isn't half bad. RORY: There's a belt in there somewhere that matches. PARIS: So I have a matter to discuss with you. Doyle and I have decided to move in together. RORY: Hey! Congratulations! PARIS: Thanks. We found a great duplex right near campus. Lots of room, separate bathrooms and it's a two bedroom. So I was thinking maybe, you'd like to move in with us? RORY: Very Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice. Minus Bob. PARIS: Now, it wouldn't be till school started, cause it's rented till then, but I think it could be a perfect situation. RORY: It's a nice offer Paris, but I can't. I'm not going back to school. PARIS: You're pregnant. RORY: NO! PARIS: Sick? You look pasty. RORY: I'm not sick. PARIS: Well I know your National Guard unit didn't get called up, so what's the story. RORY: I'm just taking some time off. PARIS: No! You don't take time off. RORY: Did you find what you need, cause I have to finish getting ready. (Rory leaves, Paris follows her) (CUT to pool house main room, continuous) PARIS: What happened? Something must have happened! RORY: Nothing happened. People take time off. Einstein took a year off. PARIS: Yeah. After he discovered three laws of physics. RORY: (pours herself a cup of coffee) I do not have to defend my life to you. I'm a grown up! I'm independent! I'm on my own! PARIS: You have no furniture. RORY: Well I'm redecorating. I want to individualize it, to my taste. PARIS: Oh! I get it. I know what this is all about. RORY: No you don't! PARIS: Sure I do. RORY: Paris just take what you need and go, ok? (Logan walks in the pool house) LOGAN: Hey! Sorry I'm late (kisses her cheek) RORY: It's ok. LOGAN: Paris. PARIS: (looks at him in a funny way, and starts to walk out. As she's passing by him) YOU! (exits) LOGAN: (looks at Paris confused. To Rory) I think vacations are coming at just the right time for her. RORY: I'm ready. Lets go. LOGAN: (looking around at the pool house) Did you get robbed? (Rory makes a dismissive gesture and they exit) (CUT to Luke's diner. Luke is wrestling with the cash register, Joe is sitting on a stool at the counter) LUKE: Come On! JOE: You should get a real cash register, Luke. LUKE: It's called character, Joe. It?s items like this that give a place character. (Kirk comes in the diner with a suitcase in hand) KIRK: Good evening Luke! LUKE: Sit down Kirk. I'll be right with ya. KIRK: I am not interested in food Luke. I'm here on business. I hear you might be in the market for a ring. Or should I be talking to Lorelai? LUKE: Go away Kirk. KIRK: Well then it's your lucky day. (Kirk opens up the suitcase) Because I happen to be in posetion of the finest estate ring collection in Connecticut. And since you are a friend, I'm prepared to make you a great deal. Or will Lorelai be the one paying for it? LUKE: No, she will not be paying for it Kirk. KIRK: Aaahhh! East Side Tillie called it wrong this time. LUKE: Look! I'll take care of finding the ring, OK? (Luke approaches Kirk's table) KIRK: You sure you don't want to take a look before you toss me out? LUKE: No I don't! (Luke takes a glance at the suitcase filled with rings, and starts staring) KIRK: Nice, heh? LUKE: (takes a closer look at the rings) Well...Yeah. They are nice (sits down). Really nice! Wow! Look at this one (picks up a ring). This is perfect! It looks like Lorelai. KIRK: It sure does. LUKE: And these are real? KIRK: Yes they are. LUKE: I mean real diamonds, not "They exist" real? KIRK: Diamond and platinum. I have a certificate of authenticity for every one of these babies. LUKE: Kirk, where did you get all these rings? KIRK: I befriend really old women. LUKE: Excuse me? KIRK: Really old women need companionship, Luke. They are really old. Most people they know are dead. So when someone comes along, and they are not dead and they'll listen to their stories and care about their dosage, they are grateful. LUKE: Are you serious? KIRK: Serious as a heart attack. Which is how I got that ring you're holding right now. So what do you think? LUKE: I think you've got some great choices here. KIRK: Good. Actually I have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through. LUKE: What are you talking about, Kirk? KIRK: Well, Lorelai proposing to you like that. Stealing your thunder. It's gotta be embarrassing and a little upsetting. Now you'll never have that moment. You don't get to be the romantic one, the one to sweep her off her feet. That's gotta hurt. LUKE: I'm fine Kirk. KIRK: Well, sure! What else are you going to say? You know I've been getting pretty close to proposing to Lulu myself. And when I heard what happened to you, it really freaked me out. I mean if Lorelai can just spring it on you like that, what's to stop Lulu from springing it on me? LUKE: Your creepy friendships with really old women might do the trick. KIRK: Well I've been avoiding her for two days. Hanging up on her really quickly when she calls. She may be mad, but there?s no way she's going to rob me of my moment. LUKE: Well, don't you feel sorry for me, Kirk. I'm going to have my moment. KIRK: But it's gone. LUKE: Trust me, I'll have it. Case closed. Now here (hands him the ring he was holding), I'll take this one. KIRK: Ah! Old widow Mason. Thought she was Frida Chalo toward the end. [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT to alley. We see a sign that says "Rich Man's Shoe Bar & Grill". Rory and Logan are walking down the alley towards the bar) RORY: So drink, dinner, movie? That's really what we're doing tonight? LOGAN: I don't understand why you just won't believe me? I'm tired. I just want a mellow evening with my girlfriend. RORY: Last time you were mellow you had a 104 fever. And even then we went bar hoping for an hour before you fainted. LOGAN: Men do not faint. Men pass out. Drink, dinner, movie. That?s it. RORY: Fine (Logan kisses her and leads her to the bar door. The door opens and the bar is filed with people dressed like the Daltons when in prison. They start singing "For she's a jolly good felon". Logan conducts them a bit. Gives Rory a hug and a kiss. Rory seems happy with the surprise) LOGAN: After the party that is (Juliet puts one of the felon caps on Rory and Finn gives her a hug and a kiss) (CUT to Lorelai's house, living room, same night. Luke is sitting on an armchair looking bored and flipping through a magazine) LUKE: (exasperated) How much longer? LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Oh..Sorry! There is a purse-shoe incident that threatened the entire outcome of the ensemble. It's technical. You wouldn't understand. LUKE: I don't want to understand. I want to leave. I'm starving. LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Watch TV. LUKE: How is that a response to I'm starving? (someone knocks on the door) LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Heeeyy! Why don?t you answer the door? That will be fun for ya! LUKE: I'm not bored because I'm six. I'm bored because you told me to pick you up at seven and it's eight thirty! (Luke walks to the door and opens it. Paris is there) PARIS: Who are you? LUKE: Well, I... (Paris cuts him off and barges in) PARIS: I need to talk to Lorelai. Where is she? LUKE: Well she's... PARIS: Lorelai? Where are you? LORELAI (OS from upstairs): Who's that? PARIS: It's Paris, and I need to talk you right now! (to Luke) Who are you? LUKE: Well I tried to tell you... (Lorelai comes down the stairs) LORELAI: Paris! Hey, what are you doing here? PARIS: Are you busy? Is this a bad time? LORELAI: No we're just getting ready to go out. It's fine. Have you met Luke? PARIS: No. LUKE: I'm Luke. PARIS: Paris. LUKE: Nice to... (Paris diverts her attention from Luke and turns to Lorelai) PARIS: Rory's quitting Yale! I just went to see her and she told me she's quitting Yale. Did you know about this? LORELAI: Yes, I did. PARIS: It's Logan. That Christopher Atkins wannabe is the reason that she's suddenly Blue Laggooning it right out of school. LORELAI: Paris... PARIS: I don't understand? Why are you letting her do it? LORELAI: I have no choice. PARIS: Yes, you do. You can stop her. You can pull some of that Super Mum crap that you always do and get her to change her mind. LUKE: Yup! PARIS: Rory can't quit Yale! We have to do something. LUKE: I agree. PARIS: I mean we should kidnap her. Drag her back here and tie her up, and not let her loose until she oblistens to reason. LUKE: Yes! LORELAI: Luke! LUKE: Hey, my suggestion first. PARIS: I need her to be at Yale. (Paris & Lorelai sit on the couch) Rory has been my only real competition since she showed up at Chilton. She's the only one who?s ever challenged me. She's my pace car. She's my Bjorn Borg. Without her I'll get lazy. I'll fall apart. I'll have frosted hair and dragon lady nails, I'll achieve nothing. I'll become my mother. LORELAI: Paris, listen to me. You are a very smart, driven young lady. You can be anything you want. Except a diplomat. You don't need Rory to push you. PARIS: Rory is my only friend. She stays in the room until I'm completely done saying something. I need that. LORELAI: Listen. I know I'm not Rory, but if you need to talk to someone you can always call me. PARIS: Really? LORELAI: Yeah! I mean I'll give you my cell phone number. It's basically my lifeline. You take it and you use it. PARIS: I can really call you? LORELAI: Anytime, anywhere! (writes the number down and give it to Paris) PARIS: I'm going to hold you to that. LORELAI: It's not a threat sweetie. It?s somebody who makes the offer willingly. PARIS: OK! Thanks! Sorry to bother you. (walks to the door) Bye Luke. (exits) LUKE: Nice to...(Paris is already gone) LORELAI: And that concludes the floorshow portion of the evening. I'll get my purse and we'll go. (CUT to kitchen. Lorelai walks in Luke follows) LUKE: So what are you gonna do? LORELAI: About what? LUKE: You know about what. LORELAI: Nothing. LUKE: Come on! LORELAI: Come on, let?s just go! LUKE: no, we haven't talked about this. LORELAI: Because there's nothing to talk about. LUKE: Yes there is. LORELAI: Luke, this is Rory's decision, OK. She knew exactly how I felt about the situation and she chose to ignore me, she chose to move in with my parents, she chose not to tell me about it... LUKE: She's a kid. LORELAI: She's not a kid. She's twenty. She's going to be twenty-one in October. She's been living on her own for two years now. She?s not a kid. LUKE: OK fine. But she's young. LORELAI: And young people have to be allowed to make mistakes. I much a bigger mistake than this when I was much younger. LUKE: Oh, so what!? Just because you made it on your own Rory has to also? LORELAI: That's not my point. LUKE: Then what is your point? LORELAI: My point is, that I wouldn't have listened to anyone in that situation, even if there was someone to listen to. I had to go through that. And Rory has to go through this. Now she's smart and she's strong and hopefully she'll figure it out but I'm not going to force my way in. She wants to be on her own? Fine she's on her own. LUKE: Really? LORELAI: Tough love baby. LUKE: So, that's it? LORELAI: That's it. LUKE: And you are OK with this? LORELAI: I'm totally OK with this. Come on let's go. I thought you were starving. (they walk towards the door) LUKE: Did you give Paris your really cell number? (CUT to the bar. Rory, Logan, Finn, Colin, Rosemary & Juliet are sitting at the bar drinking beer. They're sharing stories. Logan doesn't look very amused) FINN: My best sloth year I believe was sophomore year. I went to Spain for a week to immerse myself in Cervantes, wound up staying for two months and almost join the French foreign legion. RORY: But you were in Spain! FINN: Yes! But Sinatra didn't sing about the Spanish foreign legion. JULIET: Could you pass me three peanuts (Rory gives her the peanuts)? COLIN: Two months is nothing! FINN: OH! So you think you can outdo me? COLIN: Freshman year, four and a half months cross country road trip. This was pre-navigational systems people. FINN: Junior year. I dropped my things off at my dorm room, jumped on a plane to Australia and surfed until Christmas. COLIN: You did not! FINN: I did! COLIN: Where was I? FINN: In class like a good little boy. ROSEMARY: Amazing! They're actually having a loser off! COLIN: Oh, look how she mocks! The girls stayed home for a month after she had a tragic haircut. ROSEMARY: It wasn't a tragic haircut! It was apocalyptic highlights. I looked like a Tim Burton character! JULIET: Two more peanuts. Little ones. COLIN: Hey, Logan! Do you remember that time that you left the classroom to make an entrance for that mock debate, and you ended up in Atlantic City? LOGAN: Vaguely! FINN: Now this man here, my darling, is long raining King Of the Sloths! COLIN: That's right. Noone can waste time like this man here. RORY: Really? LOGAN: No! Now who wants to drink? COLIN: Oh! He's just being modest! Logan has the talent for doing nothing, yet to be matched by man or actual sloth. JULIET: OK! I feel a lipstick crisis coming on. (Gets off her stool) I'll be right back! ROSEMARY: I'll go with you. RORY: (to Logan) King Of the Sloths, huh? I don't know? This year I might give you a run for your money. COLIN: Oh, really? RORY: Yes! All kings must be dethroned eventually. And this year that crown will be mine. COLIN: All hail Rory Gilmore future Queen Of the Sloths! FINN: All hail! All right, time to make the rounds. See which one of these lovely females is soused enough to find my arrogance charming. RORY: Finn. Have you ever thought about just wooing a woman? Flowers, chocolates a little slow jam in the backround? FINN: Slow jams are for the subtle Rory. One too many has a delightful immediacy. You coming Colin? COLIN: Absolutely! (the boys leave) RORY: I wonder how beer tastes with ice cream in it. LOGAN: I give you one month. RORY: To do what? LOGAN: Before you are back in school. One month. RORY: You are wrong! LOGAN: Nope! RORY: (mock disappointment) I cannot believe how little faith you have in me! I mean what kind of match would I be for you, if I just went running right back to a life of respectability, without even attempting to join the French foreign legion. LOGAN: You love school. RORY: Not anymore! LOGAN: NO! You love school! I saw it! That doesn't just go away! RORY: Well I have reformed! All right? From now on no more scheduling, no more planning I am just going to spend my days making ice cream-beer floats and just taking life as it come. You'll see! New me. LOGAN: If you say so. RORY: I do say so! (she kisses him. Rosemary & Juliet are back) JULIET: (to Rory) Come on, come on! I love this song! ROSEMARY: We need to dance the booze off and sober up a little or else one of us (points to her chest) is going home with Finn. RORY: (to Logan) This is for a good cause. LOGAN: Take her! RORY: OK! Save my seat. And order me a scoop of vanilla (the girls go to the dance floor and start dancing and leave Logan at the bar) (CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Michel is sitting behind the from desk and looks irated. A biker is flipping through a magazine, leaning on the front desk. He appears to be very sweaty and very cheery) BIKER: (to Michel) You have a really nice place here. Really! I slept incredible last night. I woke up to birds singing. Seriously! This town is so great. I just had to take one last early morning ride around the town before I checked out. I can't wait to tell people about this place! MICHEL: Could you move your arm please? BIKER: Huh? MICHEL: Your arm. That one. BIKER: OK! (the biker removes his arm. Michel get a spray and a cloth out and starts to clean the desk, in front of the biker. Lorelai approaches) LORELAI: (to biker) Hi! (starts to drag him away from the desk area by taking his bill out of his hands) So how is your bill looking? Everything OK? BIKER: Yeah, my bill's fine. LORELAI: OK, well I'll put this in an envelope for you and I'll be right back. It's been a pleasure having you stay with us. (the biker leans against the wall and Lorelai walks back to Michel) Hand me an envelope and don't do that again. MICHEL: He's sweating all over the desk. LORELAI: Plus he's paying a six hundred dollar hotel bill. MICHEL: I don't care! He smells. They all smell. The whole Inn smells like sweat socks and damped nylon shorts. It's making me sick. I have to work at that desk. And I have no intention of catching jock itch on my forearm because Mr Breaking Away over there can't shower before he invades my den space. LORELAI: Michel, just chill out with the spray. OK? MICHEL: Fine! LORELAI: Thank you. MICHEL: By the way your mother called a few minutes ago. She says she wants to pick up the rest of Rory's things and she will be at your house at eleven. LORELAI: Fine. (the biker is about to sit on the little sofa on the den area. Lorelai stoops him just in time) Hey! Oh! There's your bill there (hands him the envelope)! So everything all set with your bags? BIKER: Yeah! LORELAI: Good! Well thank you for staying at the Dragonfly we hope to see you soon and the carts outside to take you to your car. BIKER: OK, Thanks! (Puts the magazine down at a table in the den area) LORELAI: Thank you! (the biker leaves. Lorelai looks at the magazine he put down, gets a trash can from near by and throws the magazine in the garbage with her foot). Michel! MICHEL: I'm all over it! (Michel approaches the wall the biker was leaning on with the spray and the cloth and starts cleaning) (CUT to Lorelai's house. Emily is walking up the stairs to the door. She knocks. Michel opens the door) MICHEL: Hello. Won?t you come in. EMILY: (a bit shocked) All right. Thank you. (they walk to the living room) What are you doing here? MICHEL: I was sent to open the door like a servant. (he sits on the couch and starts reading a magazine) EMILY: What? Where is Lorelai? MICHEL: I don't know. She doesn't keep the help informed. EMILY: She's not here? MICHEL: Nope. I am here. I am here and not at the Dragonfly Inn, which I theoretically run, when I'm not busy answering doors like Benson. EMILY: I don't understand. You gave her my message? MICHEL: I gave her your message and she told me to come over here and let you in. Like I'm a puppy fetching slippers and giving my puff for a liver treat. EMILY: But...I don't...Did she leave anything for me? MICHEL: She left me. EMILY: (confused) But...I just...I can't...Well this is absolutely incredible! Does she think this is a funny thing to do? (starts walking to Rory's room) I drive all the way from Hartford. (CUT to Rory's room. Emily walks in, the place is a mess) She did nothing! Nothing is packed! Nothing is ready to go! (Emily exits the room. CUT back to living room) Where are Rory's good clothes? MICHEL: I don't know. But I will continue to search for them franticly. EMILY: Are you just going to sit there? MICHEL: I was instructed to stay until you leave. EMILY: Like a need to be watched. Like I'm a meth-head stealing a television set to support my habit. Well this is completely unacceptable. RORY NEEDS SOMETHING TO WEAR TO COURT! MICHEL: I'm sorry if you're talking to me you have to do it in woofs. EMILY: You've been working with my daughter way to long. MICHEL: Dooon't I know it! (CUT to courtroom. Emily is fussing over Rory's outfit. Richard & Charlie are chatting) CHARLIE: Well, I have to say this is a charming little courtroom. Reminds me of my early days practising law. RICHARD: It is quaint. (the men laugh a bit) EMILY: I hope we picked out the right outfit here. It's coming off a little more Mennonite than I had hoped. RICHARD: The girl looks fine Emily. Leave her alone. CHARLIE: (to Rory) Are you nervous. RORY: NO. CHARLIE: And you shouldn't be. Everything will be fine. It will be over before you know it. POLICE OFFICER: Court calls the state versus Lorelai Gilmore. (Richard & Emily leave and sit it the back Rory and Charlie sit on the defendant?s table) CHARLIE: (to Rory) Who is Lorelai Gilmore? RORY: I am. That's my real name. CHARLIE: Good thing I found out about that now. It could have been a little embarrassing latter. EMILY: (whispering) Rory! Rory! Unbutton the sweater a little. RICHARD: Emily, stop it. EMILY: I don't want it to look like she's trying to hard. JUDGE: I understand that a plea agreement has been reached. PROSECUTOR: That's correct your honour. JUDGE: Miss Gilmore please stand. (Rory and Charlie stand up) You understand that you're pleading guilty to criminal mischief in the 3rd degree in violation of section 117A of the penal code? (Rory looks around in the courtroom in search of someone) CHARLIE: Yes your honour. JUDGE: You further understand that by so doing you wave your right to a trial via jury of your piers? RORY: I do. JUDGE: I see that Community Service is recommended. PROSECUTOR: Miss Gilmore has no prior record, your honour. No history of getting into trouble. JUDGE: (with disbelief) Twenty hours of Community Service? CHARLIE: this was a youthful indiscretion your honour. A one time childish lark. My client is duly remorseful, and I can assure you it will never happen again. (Richard & Charlie looked pleased with each other) JUDGE: (to Rory) I see you're a student at Yale. RORY: Yes your honour. JUDGE: That's a very nice school. Prestigious. RORY: Yes your honour. JUDGE: I understand that the defence is portraying this as a childish lark. A youthful indiscretion. Well I take the law very seriously. And if there is one thing I have very little tolerance for, it's rich, privileged children viewing the world as their private playground. I don't care who you are. I don't care who your family is (Richard & Emily don't look pleased). When you commit a crime Miss Gilmore, there must be consequences. Period. Twenty hours of Community Service won't do it! I'm ordering three hundred hours of Community Service, to be completed in no more than six months (Richard & Emily react), and one year?s probation. RORY: But, I can't do three hundred hours. I have to get a job. JUDGE: Well add that to your list of things you should have thought about before you decided to joy ride on someone else's boat. RICHARD: Three hundred hours? This is outrageous. Charlie? (Charlie gestures to Richard to calm down) JUDGE: Now, assuming this is indeed a one-time occurrence, at the end of five years time Miss Gilmore can petition the court to have this expunged from her record. EMILY: Record? She's going to have a record? Oh my God! RICHARD: (stands up and approaches Charlie) You never said anything about a record? CHARLIE: Richard, please! RICHARD: Oh, don't Richard please me you two-bit double-talker! JUDGE: (to Richard) Who are you? Sit down! RICHARD: I am her grandfather, Richard Gilmore. This is outrageous. (starts pacing in the courtroom) EMILY: I never should have let her go with the ponytail. JUDGE: You are going to have to restrain yourself, sir. RICHARD: I will not restrain myself. I will not stand by, and let this girl walk around with a record for five years. EMILY: Richard! You're standing on my foot! RICHARD: (to Charlie) I should have never listened to you. Making deals with a twenty-year-old child in a cheap suit. PROSECUTOR: Hey! JUDGE: I'm not duty bound to do so, but I'm happy to give Miss Gilmore the opportunity to withdraw her plea and go to trial. If she does so she'll face additional felony charges. Given the undisputed facts, I'd think very hard about that course of action RICHARD: Well I think it's something to consider. RORY: Grandpa, NO! I don't want to go to trial. I'll do the Community Service. Please, just sit down. EMILY: Richard, sit down. RORY: I do not want to withdraw my plea your honour. JUDGE: All right. I will consider this matter settled. Court will recess for twenty minutes. (exits) POLICE OFFICER: All rise. CHARLIE: This is not that big a deal. We got a little more Community Service than we wanted. RICHARD: (approaches Charlie & Rory. To Charlie) You're a lousy duck hunter Charlie. It wasn't the weather and it wasn't the duck call, it was you. CHARLIE: I was doing you a favour Richard. RICHARD: Well do me some more favours, Charlie. Let's see if we can get the girl twenty to life at Sing-Sing. CHARLIE: That is it. RORY: (drags Richard away) Grandpa. RICHARD: I'm hiring a lawyer to sue that man. RORY: Grandpa, did you tell mum about the court date? RICHARD: Of course I did. RORY: You did? You told her the time, and where it was and everything? RICHARD: She knew all about it Rory. She simply showed no interest in the matter. (Rory reacts) Abe Rosenstein! RORY: Who? RICHARD: That's who I'm going to get to sue Charlie. CHARLIE: (picks up his briefcase) Goodbye Emily. Go to hell Richard. (exits) RICHARD: I'm not through with you yet! (follows Charlie) EMILY: Richard, you can't kill him here! We're in a courthouse! (follows Richard) (CUT to Lorelai's house, night. Lorelai reaches the door there is note stuck on the door, she tears it and throw the pieces down. She gets in the house and finds another note. She throws that one away without reading it also. She reaches the answering machine, a note is stuck on that too. She throws it down again. Plays her messages and goes to the kitchen) EMILY (on answering machine): Lorelai it's your mother. I want to thank you for the lovely little surprise you gave me this morning (Lorelai keeps on ripping away notes, without reading them as she moves around the kitchen, and the fridge, without reading them). I can't wait to tell the girls at the club all about it. I mean they're always bragging about their daughters did this, and their daughters did that. Well finally I get to go in there and say "Oh really? Well today my daughter invited me over and then didn't show up. And then she had me watched by a surly, barking Frenchman so that I didn't steal anything". LORELAI: I didn't invite you over mother! EMILY (on answering machine): Top that, ladies! This was unforgivable Lorelai. Disgraceful behaviour even by your standards. And since I assume you've torn up all of my notes, I will read them to you. I made copies. (Lorelai enters Rory's room and angrily starts packing her stuff) "Dear Lorelai, I was shocked and saddened by your decision not to be at home when I came by for Rory's things. (CUT to Richard & Emily's bedroom. It's dark and they are sleeping. The door opens forcefully Lorelai comes in holding a laundry basket and a big duffel bag. They wake up startled) EMILY: My God! LORELAI: There that?s all of her stuff. (drops the basket) You happy? (Richard turns on the light. Emily sits up in bed) EMILY: Lorelai, you scared me half to death. LORELAI: Yeah, well follow through, has always been my problem. Oh well! (drops the duffel bag) So! We've got clothes, books, stuffed animals. I even checked the laundry to make sure nothing was waiting to be washed. OK? We good? RICHARD: What do you mean? Barging in here in the middle of the night. Are you crazy? LORELAI: Mum just seemed extremely concerned, about getting the rest of Rory's things. EMILY: She needed something to wear to court. LORELAI: Yeah, so I figured I better bring them right over here. Now I did, so I'm done! EMILY: Lorelai, stop this! I know you're upset. I know you hate us... LORELAI: I don't hate you. Why would I hate you? EMILY: Well...because we...because you thought we... LORELAI: You were just being you. You couldn't help it. EMILY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: The scorpion and the frog. It's an old story. The scorpion says to the frog "Hey frog give a lift to the other side of the pond". Frog says "No way! You'll sting me and I'll die". Scorpion says "Will not! Cause then we'll both drown". Frog says "Cool". So the scorpion gets on the frogs back, and frog makes it to the middle of the pond and the scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down he says "Why would you do that? Now we'll both die". Scorpion says "Sorry. It's just my nature". Frog (points to herself), scorpion (points to her parents). EMILY: I always thought it was a turtle. LORELAI: Whatever it was. You guys couldn't help it. RICHARD: Lorelai, why don't you sit and calm down. LORELAI: I am calm. I'm fine. You guys must be pretty jazzed though, huh? I mean you finally did it. You finally got a shot at getting the daughter you've always wanted. RICHARD: I'm too tired to have this conversation. LORELAI: Rory! Here! Right under your roof. Excellent! EMILY: You're being ridiculous. LORELAI: Now you get your do over. A new and improved Lorelai. Congrats. Very well played. RICHARD: Lorelai, listen to me. I know that you think some sort of con has been perpetrated on you... LORELAI: Hey, it's only a paper moon dad. RICHARD: That fact of the matter is, your mother and I were just trying to do the right thing. We're all striving for the same goal. We want Rory happy and healthy. Now she's taken a bit of a stumble. But we can get her back on the right track. All of us. Together. And we're going to need your input and your involvement to achieve that. LORELAI: My involvement ends here. With the laundry basket. EMILY: What is that flipper mark supposed to mean. LORELAI: It's supposed to mean that I'm out. You've won. She's all yours. Of course the laundry basket I'm going to want back. (exits) (CUT to Luke's diner, same night. Luke & Kirk are in the diner. Kirk is following Luke around. They are heading to the diner door) KIRK: Please Luke, please! Please, please, please, please, please! LUKE: Move (Kirk moves away from he door, outside and Luke locks) KIRK: Luke, I have to have the ring back. LUKE: I've paid you for the ring. In fact I've overpaid you for the ring. You gave me a certificate of authenticity and a promise that none of the heirs were gonna sue me for possetion and then our business was done. KIRK: Luke, you don't understand. I think that that was the ring that Lulu had her eye on. I totally forgot this until...Where are you going? LUKE: I'm leaving Kirk! The diner is closed! KIRK: You can't leave until I get that ring back. If I propose I'm gonna need that ring. LUKE: You have a suitcase full of rings! KIRK: But that's the one I sort of remember her liking. LUKE: Pick another ring. KIRK: But my backup ring pulled through. Plus now there's talk of her wanting to buried with it. LUKE: Goodnight Kirk. BABETTE: (from across the square) LUUUUUKE! WAIT! LUKE: Oh boy! BABETTE: I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! LUKE: OK Babette! Slow down I'm not going anywhere. (Babette is running across town, occasionally holding her breasts) BABETTE: It's very serious! LUKE: I'm right here! You just, You can walk Babette. Just walk Babette, please, walk. Slow down, just...(she reaches him) BABETTE: (out of breath) Geez! Oh my God! I smell toast. I smell toast. And almonds. I smell almond toast. LUKE: What do you need Babette? BABETTE: I need confirmation on a rumour. That there is a rumour that there's been a rift between Lorelai and Rory. KIRK: A rift? BABETTE: A big rift. Very serious, that's right! Rory ain't home for the summer? KIRK: Wow! LUKE: Who told you this? BABETTE: Well who else? East Side Tillie. That damn woman keeps tromping me. So come on? Is she right? Is it true? (Luke doesn't answer and looks uncomfortable) It is true! Oh my God! Well what happened? And how's Lorelai taking it? She must be a basket case? Is she a basket case? LUKE: OK! Stop! Look! There's been a little incident, but all going to be fine. Lorelai has it completely under control. BABETTE: She's OK? LUKE: Trust me, she's just fine! OK (Luke pats Babette on the shoulder and walks away. Babette tries to catch her breath. Kirk approaches her) KIRK: Nice ring. (Babette looks strangely at Kirk and walk away) (CUT to Lorelai's house, same night. Lorelai walks in the house. Puts down her purse and keys, goes to the kitchen and gets a bottle of water out of the fridge. She turns the light of in Rory's now empty room and sits at the truck at the foot of the bed. She looks around a bit, and after a while throws the bottle out of frustration. She covers her face with her hands and starts to cry. Front door opens. Lorelai is startled) LUKE (OS): Full moon! Moment's here! Let's go! (Lorelai wipes her eyes, gets up tries to put on a happy face and walks out of the room). END Of Episode 6.01 - New And Improved Lorelai

Plan: A: last season's; Q: What season's finale does this episode pick up from? A: Luke; Q: Who is embarrassed when word spreads that Lorelai was the one who proposed? A: their future; Q: What are Lorelai and Luke making plans for? A: Scott Patterson; Q: Who plays Luke? A: Yale; Q: What college did Rory drop out of? A: Richard; Q: Who hires an attorney for Rory? A: her parents; Q: Who does Lorelai tell can take care of Rory? A: the yacht; Q: What did Rory steal? A: the judge; Q: Who gives Rory 300 hours of community service? A: Logan; Q: Who throws Rory a "felon" party? A: a "felon" party; Q: What kind of party does Logan throw for Rory? Summary: Picking up on the same night as last season's finale, Lorelai and Luke begin making plans for their future, but Luke (Scott Patterson) is embarrassed when word spreads that Lorelai was the one who proposed. Still hurt over Rory's decision to drop out of Yale and move in with Emily and Richard, Lorelai tells her parents that they can take care of Rory from now on. Richard hires an old friend and respected attorney to help Rory get an easy sentence for stealing the yacht, but the judge gives Rory 300 hours of community service. Logan throws Rory a "felon" party.

EARTHSHOCK BY ERIC SAWARD Part Four Running time: 24:28 [SCENE_BREAK] CYBERLEADER: My army awakes, Doctor! The Doctor looks cowed. Many multiple men (Cyber) march magnificently and menacingly. Thanks to image processing. CAPT BRIGGS: This is piracy! CYBERLEADER: It is war. BERGER: The ship is in warp drive. Interfere with the navigational system and we will disintegrate! CYBERLEADER: Your technology is primitive compared to ours, mistakes will not be made. He punches some buttons. Elsewhere, Tegan shoulders her weapon. She comes out of hiding and very carefully and slowly approaches a corner, around which she takes a cautious peek. A Cyberman is there, leading two others on what seems to be a house-buying tour. They are interested in the silos. Tegan gulps. [SCENE_BREAK] On the scanner in the TARDIS, they see two Cybermen on watch. PROF KYLE: What was that? NYSSA: I don't know. A robot. PROF KYLE: They're huge! The lieutenant's party is hiding under the high school bleachers. He sighs. LT SCOTT: Where's Tegan? [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the bridge, the Cybermen are having a programming party. CAPT BRIGGS: What are they doing? BERGER: I don't know. They've incorporated a machine of their own. DOCTOR: I suspect the ship is now on a locked off, fixed coordinate. ADRIC: Are we still going to Earth? DOCTOR: Yes. BERGER: Well then, why lock off the coordinates? DOCTOR: Because I think they're turning us into a flying bomb. Meanwhile, the silo tour continues. Tegan leans back out of sight a full three inches, then forward again. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the bridge. CYBERLEADER: Your TARDIS has been found, Doctor. DOCTOR: I didn't know it was lost. CAPT BRIGGS: You're mad if you think Earth's security will let you crash into the planet. They'd shoot the ship down. CYBERLEADER: There will not be time. You have a security transponder with clearance for Earth. ADRIC: Yes, but why do it? On impact, the ship will destroy everything, the planet will be useless! CYBERLEADER: There is a conference about to take place on Earth. DOCTOR: The reason for the red alert. CYBERLEADER: Yes. The heads of many powerful planets will be present. DOCTOR: So, you destroy a few presidents in a needlessly destructive way. CYBERLEADER: It is more than that. The purpose of the conference is to sign a pact uniting their military forces in a war against the Cyber race. DOCTOR: Of course. A war you couldn't possibly win. CYBERLEADER: Their combined forces would be too great. DOCTOR: Destroy the conference and you destroy the unity. CYBERLEADER: It will be a great psychological victory. The strength and might of the Cyber race will be confirmed. DOCTOR: So the freighter replaces the bomb. CYBERLEADER: Yes, Doctor. In spite of your interference, we will still triumph! Out by Tegan again. She sneaks around the corner, then dashes across to the other side of the corridor. Then there's another corner to peek around, with another Cyberman on patrol. She's moved a few feet and is in the same situation. [SCENE_BREAK] Back to Lt Scott's party. LT SCOTT: Scott to TARDIS, come in please. NYSSA (o.s.): This is Nyssa. LT SCOTT: We're coming back to the TARDIS. The hold is crawling with robots. NYSSA (o.s.): Any of you hurt? LT SCOTT: No. But we got separated from Tegan. [SCENE_BREAK] Back to the bridge. What's a bridge for? DOCTOR: If the freighter crashes into Earth with you on board, won't that make it rather difficult for you to carry out your task? I mean, you would be very crumpled. CYBERLEADER: I shall not be on board, Doctor. DOCTOR: You don't surprise me. CYBERLEADER: My function was leader of a squad to eliminate those who survived the bomb. CAPT BRIGGS: Now your transport has replaced the bomb. CYBERLEADER: I shall join a secondary force to complete the task. CAPT BRIGGS: Are they all so dedicated? DOCTOR: Compared to some, this one is positively flippant. [SCENE_BREAK] Back to Scott's party as they come down the bleachers, all these bleachers look the same to me. Elsewhere, Tegan has to move again to hide from more Cybermen. She makes it across to the next row of silos. Just then, a Cyberman walks out from between the rows. It doesn't see her, but she frantically grabs at her weapon, trying to ready it to defend herself. Another Cyberman comes from behind and grabs her and the gun. Lt Scott comes out somewhere near more bleachers. He holds up his hand to those following. LT SCOTT: Gently. They have the TARDIS in sight. Tegan is being Cybermanhandled up the steps toward the bridge. The girlies see Scott's party on the scanner screen as they break cover and head toward the blue box. PROF KYLE: They're safe! NYSSA: And those two robots have gone. She operates the door control. Outside, Scott reaches the outer door, which opens. He ducks inside. The others follow, but the last one is grabbed from behind by a Cyberman. She shrieks. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside, Scott and the others back in, preparing to attack the Cyberman. LT SCOTT: Wait 'til it's near, then concentrate your fire! The dreaded Cyberman lumbers in, weapon raised. Nyssa looks like she wants some lemonade. LT SCOTT: Now! The three soldiers open fire on the Cyberman. It falls to the floor, dropping its gun. LT SCOTT: There's another one! Nyssa reaches for the door control. The inner doors close on the incoming Cyberman, but it is half way inside and has its gun at the ready. The soldiers block it from getting in, as it fires its weapon randomly. The console explodes in a shower of sparks. PROF KYLE: Nyssa, get back! She dives down to retrieve the gun from the first fallen Cyberman. When she rises to aim at the Cyberman trying to get in, it fires first. She drops the gun and collapses to the floor. Lt Scott manages to wrestle the gun out of the Cyberman's hands. Hard to believe, but there you go. He fires and the Cyberman begins to slide down to the floor, held up between the two doors. Nyssa crawls over to Kyle. NYSSA: No! Lt Scott checks on her for a pulse. LT SCOTT: It's no use. He helps Nyssa get to her feet. LT SCOTT: She's dead. Outside the bridge, Tegan struggles against the Cyberman's grip as it leads her onward. It's got her by the upper arm, that legendary weak point on the female body. As they arrive at the demolished bridge door, she sees her friends. TEGAN: Doctor! Adric! DOCTOR: Where did you come from? TEGAN: That thing caught me! ADRIC: Where's Nyssa? TEGAN: She's safe, she's in the TARDIS! CYBERLEADER: Who is this woman? DOCTOR: An Earthling, no one of consequence. TEGAN: Thanks a lot. DOCTOR: Be quiet. CYBERLEADER: She's one of your crew. DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking. CYBERLEADER: I see that Time Lords have emotional feelings. DOCTOR: Of sorts. CYBERLEADER: Surely a great weakness in one so powerful? DOCTOR: Emotions have their uses. CYBERLEADER: They restrict and curtail the intellect and logic of the mind. DOCTOR: They also enhance life. When did you last have the pleasure of smelling a flower, watching a sunset, eating a well-prepared meal? CYBERLEADER: These things are irrelevant. DOCTOR: For some people, small beautiful events is what life is all about. The Cyberleader looks at Tegan. CYBERLEADER: You have ... affection ... for this woman? DOCTOR: She's a friend. CYBERLEADER: And you do not consider friendship a weakness? DOCTOR: I do not. The Cyberleader addresses one of his squad. CYBERLEADER: Kill her. The Doctor has an oh sh1t expression. Tegan begins to back away toward the wall, Adric too for some reason. The Cyberman approaches them slowly. The Cyberleader watches with relish. An emotion, probably. The Doctor is undecided. His agitation increases rapidly until he gives in. DOCTOR: No! The Cyberleader calls off the other. CYBERLEADER: Such a reaction is not a disadvantage? DOCTOR: No. CYBERLEADER: You are mistaken. I now have control over you, Doctor. All I need do is threaten the woman's death for you to obey me. The Doctor knows he's right. Back in the TARDIS. LT SCOTT: At least we have two of their weapons. Might make them easier to kill. NYSSA: You're not going out again. LT SCOTT: I haven't much choice. NYSSA: The Doctor won't thank you for throwing away your life. She opens the door and the troops exit ... including the female one who was grabbed by the Cyberman outside a short while ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the bridge, the Doctor is in close, unsupervised conversation with Tegan. CYBERLEADER: I return your ship to you, Captain. CAPT BRIGGS: Really. CYBERLEADER: You will continue your journey to Earth. The ship will function normally. CAPT BRIGGS: We're to stay on board? CYBERLEADER: Yes. Although your presence isn't needed, of course. The control of your ship is now totally automatic. DOCTOR: This isn't necessary, let them go. CYBERLEADER: And deny them the feeling of fear, the ultimate in emotional response? DOCTOR: You've already proved your point quite adequately. CYBERLEADER: A final demonstration might convince any doubters. CYBERMAN: We have finished, Leader. CYBERLEADER: Excellent. Instruct all regenerated Cybermen to evacuate the ship. You will return to Cyber control and inform main fleet of our intention. CYBERMAN: At once. Out in the freighter again, Lt Scott is trying to lead his troops without being seen. They make their way forward one at a time. Nearby, the Cybermen are preparing to leave. The airlock controls beep as one operates them. Scott stops his troops to watch them near the airlock door. LT SCOTT: They're leaving. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the bridge. CYBERLEADER: You two will remain on the bridge. Should any of the crew attempt to interfere with navigational equipment, they are to be restrained. CAPT BRIGGS: Why don't you kill us now? CYBERLEADER: I want my guards to observe your reactions. TEGAN: That's sadistic. CYBERLEADER: No. Scientific. If we are to fight Earthlings, it is better we understand their weaknesses. Freighter hold. Lt Scott leads his troops further. The woman is missing now. Bridge. CYBERLEADER: We leave for your TARDIS. The Earth woman as well. TEGAN: The name is Tegan. He has her by that vulnerable spot, the upper arm. They all begin to leave, but the Cyberleader has other ideas. He stops the boy in the pyjamas. DOCTOR: I want Adric, too. CYBERLEADER: The boy stays here. TEGAN: No! DOCTOR: I need him to help me fly the TARDIS. CYBERLEADER: I know that it only requires one person to pilot the TARDIS. DOCTOR: I'm not going without him. CYBERLEADER: The boy will stay here. If you do not cooperate, I shall have the Earth woman destroyed. TEGAN: We can't leave without him! The Cyberleader throws her toward the destroyed door. Meanwhile, Adric decides to try acting. ADRIC: Take Tegan with you. I'll find my own way. Please. CAPT BRIGGS: The boy's right. There's a chance. Leave now. ADRIC: Please, Doctor. CYBERLEADER: There is no chance. ADRIC: Just leave! The Doctor looks as if he is in pain, then steps over to Adric and offers his hand. DOCTOR: Good luck, Adric. They shake hands. ADRIC: Goodbye, Doctor. DOCTOR: Good luck to you all. ADRIC: Goodbye, Tegan. I'll see you soon. She declines to say goodbye, then is pushed through the door by the Cyberleader. Out in the corridors, the troops move. The party bound for the TARDIS go down some of them bleachers. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the bridge. CAPT BRIGGS: Nice to see where we're going. BERGER: We know where we're going. CAPT BRIGGS: Nice to see when we arrive. At Cyber control, the Cyber scout reports. CYBERMAN: The freighter has been evacuated. CYBERLEADER (o.s.): Excellent. CYBERMAN: And a ship is being dispatched from the main fleet to collect you. CYBERLEADER: The fleet is too far away. I will use the Doctor's TARDIS to observe the impact. CYBERMAN: Leader? CYBERLEADER: You will meet me there. The scout heads off. A control lever moves by itself. A plastic-wrapped Cyberman begins to stir. Have we gone back in time? The Cyberleader's group go down more steps. TEGAN: You won't like Earth. CYBERLEADER: Like or dislike does not come into much consideration. TEGAN: It will when you start going rusty! Nobody laughs. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the TARDIS, Nyssa grabs a communicator off the console as it beeps. LT SCOTT (o.s.): This is Scott. NYSSA: What's happening out there? LT SCOTT (o.s.): I don't know! Those robot things seem to have left the ship. NYSSA: Is there any sign of the Doctor? LT SCOTT (o.s.): No, not yet. NYSSA: Well, be careful. That magnetic field is functioning again. She looks down at a display. Back on the bridge. ADRIC: How much time have we got? BERGER: Not long. The ship is on maximum drive. ADRIC: Could we undo what the Cybermen have done? CAPT BRIGGS: Given time, I'm sure. ADRIC: But even if we could just divert the ship a degree or two, at least we'd miss Earth. CAPT BRIGGS: We have to cope with those things, first. The Cyberleader meets up with the scout. CYBERMAN: Leader! The main fleet has acknowledged your intentions. CYBERLEADER: Do they agree? CYBERMAN: Yes, Leader. As soon as the freighter impacts, a small force will follow through, and under your instructions, subdue survivors. CYBERLEADER: Excellent. They move on. Elsewhere, Lt Scott keeps moving. LT SCOTT: Marshall, you stay here and cover us. Brooks, come with me. The three of them ascend the nearest stairs, but Marshall stops on the landing. [SCENE_BREAK] In the TARDIS, Nyssa reacts to the Doctor entering unexpectedly. NYSSA: Doctor. Where's Adric? DOCTOR: He's safe. TEGAN: For the time being. The Cyberleader and his two troops enter the TARDIS behind them. Nyssa whirls around and sees them and thinks about a meal she ate once when she didn't care for the sauce. Lt Scott and Brooks keep moving, carefully, looking around corners. They stop just outside the destroyed bridge door. Scott motions for Brooks to stay, and he steps over to the door. Adric sees him, but Scott holds up a hand to prevent the boy from making his presence known. One of the Cybermen must have noticed the movement, as he moves toward and through the door opening. Lt Scott is waiting there with Brooks. They ambush the Cyberman, shooting it in the back. It groans robotically. The two men move onto the bridge, and Scott shoots the other Cyberman. Scott approaches the Captain. LT SCOTT: Lieutenant Scott, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the hold, the TARDIS wheezes and groans and vanishes. For no reason we are shown a static shot of Cyber control. Then, Cybermen begin breaking out of silos. Lights on the control console blink. Cybermen wake up and begin marching. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the TARDIS, the freighter is on the scanner screen. CYBERLEADER: Have you locked on to the freighter's coordinates? DOCTOR: Yes. CYBERLEADER: You will follow the freighter to Earth. I wish to witness the planet's final destruction. TEGAN: You'll ruin your own plan doing that. The radar on Earth will pick up the TARDIS. CYBERLEADER: It is too small. Its image will be swamped by that of the freighter. CYBERMAN: Everything's been considered. CYBERLEADER: Search this ship. The Cyberman heads for the inner door. Back on the bridge. BERGER: The override on the navigational control. My instructions are instantly countermanded. CAPT BRIGGS: It's this thing that's causing it. LT SCOTT: Can't you disconnect it? CAPT BRIGGS: It's probably booby-trapped. ADRIC: Maybe so, but it can be disconnected. CAPT BRIGGS: How? ADRIC: Solve the three logic codes. BERGER: That could take forever. ADRIC: Well then I suggest we start at once. Keeping watch on the stairs, Marshall sees Cybermen approaching from all sides, and retreats. Adric fiddles with the Cyberboxes. Gunfire can be heard, and the Captain runs off to investigate. The Cybermen are climbing the stairs. (I think that's Marshall, dead, there.) Lt Scott is setting up a flimsy barricade. LT SCOTT: It seems we have very little time, Captain. He and Brooks continue working. [SCENE_BREAK] On the TARDIS, the Cyberleader watches tv. CYBERLEADER: The time draws near. DOCTOR: It isn't necessary to taunt her. CYBERLEADER: It is simply a fact, Doctor. TEGAN: Can't you do something? DOCTOR: Not at the moment. CYBERLEADER: Do not mislead the Earthling. This time, we will not fail. [SCENE_BREAK] On the bridge, Adric is confident. BERGER: Is that right? ADRIC: Has to be. It's the only logical answer. He goes over to a keyboard and starts keying. On the TARDIS. TEGAN: I don't have to watch this. NYSSA: She doesn't have to be here. DOCTOR: Gently, Tegan. TEGAN: Gently! This is my planet they're about to destroy! She jumps at the console and hits some random controls. The room tilts wildly. DOCTOR: No! He makes corrections with great difficulty. When things are upright again, he grabs her elbows. DOCTOR: You do things like that, we'll all finish up dead! The Captain and Lt Scott are in position behind some boxes as the first Cyberman comes around. They shoot it. The Captain comes back into the bridge as Adric shows off. ADRIC: That's it! The first one's solved! CAPT BRIGGS: We're running out of time! The troopers can't hold the Cybermen much longer! BERGER: We're working as hard as we can. It's very complex. ADRIC: It worked! See if it's released anything! Berger works the keyboard. Lt Scott fires at more Cybermen. LT SCOTT: The power in these things is running out! BERGER: Stand by! She spins a control, then pushes a button. The whole ship lurches sideways, throwing humans and Cybermen around. [SCENE_BREAK] On the scanner screen, the freighter seems to be fading away. NYSSA: What's happening? TEGAN: Where have they gone? DOCTOR: The freighter's jumped time warps. CYBERLEADER: You will follow. DOCTOR: Where? CYBERLEADER: Follow them! (Shakes fist, or would if he was Homer Simpson) Lt Scott takes advantage of the confusion to shoot a disoriented Cyberman. BERGER: We're travelling backwards in time. CAPT BRIGGS: That's not possible! ADRIC: It is when you have an alien machine overriding your computer. [SCENE_BREAK] On the TARDIS. CYBERLEADER: You will board the freighter. DOCTOR: I can't. The Cyberleader grabs Nyssa's upper arm. She is instantly helpless. CYBERLEADER: You will do as I say! DOCTOR: It's physically impossible. The freighter is no longer on a fixed course, the coordinates are constantly changing. That's why it keeps fading. I've got nothing to lock on to. The Cyberleader releases Nyssa's upper arm. On the bridge, the soldiers are back. LT SCOTT: Rest there a minute. (he walks over to them) Some bump! CAPT BRIGGS: It's bigger than you think! ADRIC: Well if we can crack the remaining two logic circuits, we may be able to do something about it. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the TARDIS. TEGAN: At least the Earth is safe now. He says nothing. NYSSA: Doctor? TEGAN: Don't tell me it isn't? DOCTOR: Although the freighter is spiraling backwards in time, it's still locked on to the same spatial coordinates. TEGAN: Earth? CYBERLEADER: This is excellent news, Doctor! Earth will be destroyed! It will never exist, as you have known it! TEGAN: Is that true? DOCTOR: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the freighter, an injured Cyberman crawls up the stairs. He's determined, this one is. He keeps going and going. Adric fiddles some more with his equipment. Uhhuh. Ping! ADRIC: That's it! The second logic code! CAPT BRIGGS: We've come out of warp drive! [SCENE_BREAK] On the scanner, the freighter is seen approaching Earth. DOCTOR: Earth. CYBERLEADER: Excellent. Hold this position. We shall observe from here. TEGAN: No! The Doctor shushes her. The wounded Cyberman continues crawling up the stairs, bit by bit, inch by inch. [SCENE_BREAK] On the bridge, Berger has opened the door to the escape pod while Adric continues working. CAPT BRIGGS: Come on, we've done all we can do! ADRIC: This is your planet! CAPT BRIGGS: I know! And I realize the consequences of this freighter crashing into it! ADRIC: There is still time to crack this last logic code! CAPT BRIGGS: No, there isn't! Come on! It's only a few minutes before we enter Earth's gravitational pull! LT SCOTT: You've done all you can, Adric. ADRIC: I can crack this code! CAPT BRIGGS: Come on, Lieutenant, and you, Berger. BERGER: Adric! ADRIC: You board! CAPT BRIGGS: Come on, lad! Scott grabs his upper arm, that most vulnerable spot on females. Explains a lot. LT SCOTT: And that is an order, Adric. He drags him to the escape pod hatch. ADRIC: Of course, that's it! As the door slides shut, he jumps out. Nobody has time (or inclination) to stop him. He returns to the keyboard. The Earth looms large on the monitor. The TARDIS scanner shows the escape pod launching from the side of the freighter. NYSSA: An escape pod! CYBERLEADER: My guards evacuating the ship. DOCTOR: It may be of some small consequence to know we've travelled backwards in time some 65 million years. TEGAN: Big deal. DOCTOR: Think about it. NYSSA: Do you recall the fossil dinosaur bones in the cave on Earth? TEGAN: What? NYSSA: And why it's believed they died out so quickly? TEGAN: Earth collided with a meteorite. NYSSA: Or something. Oh. Right. TEGAN: The freighter? DOCTOR: The antimatter vessel will split open on impact. There will be a tremendous explosion! TEGAN: The freighter was the meteorite? DOCTOR: Seems inevitable. As is your history as we know it. CYBERLEADER: You lie, Doctor! DOCTOR: Not at all. You've lost! The Earth is safe. Adric keeps trying. I guess that thing he thought of as the escape pod door closed wasn't right after all. ADRIC: I can do it. He looks up at the big Earth. ADRIC: I must do it. The wounded Cyberman is now limping toward his fate as Adric's destiny. The communicator on the TARDIS console squawks. LT SCOTT (o.s.): Scott to TARDIS! Scott to TARDIS! Come in please! NYSSA: This is the TARDIS! We have Cybermen on board! The leader takes the radio from her. LT SCOTT (o.s.): We've managed to escape from the freighter. But Adric's still on board! The Doctor fingers Adric's gold star. Adric's Destiny Cyberman approaches. Adric doesn't look so confident now. LT SCOTT (o.s.): Scott to TARDIS. Scott to TARDIS. The Cyberleader squishes the radio. DOCTOR: You've failed, leader. CYBERLEADER: You will not enjoy the victory. I shall now kill you, Doctor. While the Doctor fingers the gold star, Tegan gives the Cyberleader a bear hug from behind. The leader throws her off to the floor, but the Doctor grabs him from behind and begins to scrape the gold into the leader's chest unit. I didn't know gold crumbled. Leader gasps and groans. The subtitles say that. DOCTOR: Get down! The leader goes a little mad. He begins whirling around, firing his gun randomly. Sparks fly. The Doctor jumps up and grabs the gun and turns it on the leader, firing. And firing again. The leader collapses to the floor with a scream. The Doctor fires yet again. Point blank. The Cyberleader's chest unit explodes. Meanwhile, Adric is stalling. ADRIC: There's something missing. There's something I've forgotten. NYSSA: Please hurry, Doctor, we must get Adric off the freighter! DOCTOR: The console's damaged! NYSSA: We must save Adric, there's so little time! Earth fills the monitor on the bridge. Adric's Destiny Cyberman gets nearer. It staggers around the corner and into the bridge, very slowly. ADRIC: Of course! That's it! Adric's Destiny Cyberman raises its gun, while Adric prepares to protect himself from the small explosion he knows is about to happen. The Cyberman shoots. The console explodes. Adric jumps back. The Cyberman, his destiny fulfilled, begins to laugh uproariously. It's so funny that he dies. The keyboard is destroyed. ADRIC: Now I'll never know if I was right. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the TARDIS, the scout returns to the console room from the inner rooms. TEGAN: Look out! DOCTOR: I must save Adric! Nyssa grabs the Cyber gun and unenthusiastically fires it at the looming Cyberman. It groans and collapses. Tegan runs over, then is distracted by the scanner. TEGAN: Look! The freighter looks normal. NYSSA: Adric! He can't hear. Adric holds his belt. The freighter hits the Earth. (SPECIAL EDITION ADDITION) Adric and a Cyber head are thrown from the explosion in the atmosphere. Adric cries out as he flies and lands face down in the dirt. He pushes himself up. ADRIC: Blimey. That was lucky. A noise is heard, a gurgling, hungry noise. Adric's eyes go wide and bug out. The giant eye of a reptile is seen. Adric begins to panic, waving his arms wildly, and whining. The dinosaur bends down and crunches Adric in its mouth. As the dinosaur leaves with its puny meal, the Cyber head rolls upright. CYBERHEAD: Excellent. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the TARDIS, Nyssa looks away and clings to Tegan. Tegan squeezes Nyssa's shoulder, then moves over to the Doctor. TEGAN: Adric? The Doctor is dumbstruck. TEGAN: Doctor! He says nothing. Tegan begins to cry. Nyssa hugs her. The Doctor looks sort of sad, but more surprised than anything. Then the dance music kicks in and everyone parties!

Plan: A: The Cybermen; Q: Who has taken over the bridge of the freighter? A: the freighter; Q: What is the name of the ship that the Cybermen have taken over? A: a device; Q: What do the Cybermen fit onto the freighter's control panel? A: the Earth; Q: What will the explosion destroy? Summary: The Cybermen have taken over the bridge of the freighter. They fit a device onto the freighters control panel that will cause the ship to explode. The ships fuel will cause a explosion so strong that it will destroy the Earth completely. The Doctor and Companions battle against the Cybermen in an attempt to foil their plan. Someone pays the ultimate price to save the Earth and crew of the freighter.

SCENE 1: Bill feeds on Sookie's blood as they make love by the fireplace in the parlor of his house. Cut to opening credits to the tune of "Bad Things" by Jace Everett SCENE 2: Bill wipes the fog from his bathroom mirror. He is clearly reflected in it, as is Sookie, who is in the bathtub. Sookie: Wait a minute. I thought you were supposed to be invisible in a mirror. Bill: We started most of the myths about ourselves many centuries ago. (Bill walks toward the bathtub, which is surrounded by lit candles.) Bill: If humans thought that we couldn't be seen in a mirror, it was another way for us to prove that we weren't vampires. And that way, we could stay hid. (Bill steps into the bathtub.) Sookie: So what about holy water? (Bill splashes some bathwater with his left hand. Bill: Just water.) Sookie: Crucifixes? Bill: Geometry. Sookie: Garlic? Bill: It's irritating, but that's pretty much it. Sookie: Whoa. I feel a little weak. Bill: Of course you do. I fed on your blood. You should take some vitamin B-12 to replenish. Sookie: Will I need to do that every day? Bill: If you don't mind, yes. And no garlic. (Sookie chuckles slightly.) Sookie: Is it always like this? Bill: No, it is not. Sookie: I never thought I'd be able...to... Bill: I am honored that you chose me. (Sookie and Bill look into each others' eyes. Sookie's smile has disappeared as she experiences a flashback to her childhood.) Flashback Uncle Bartlett (thinking): Her tiny little legs. Flexible and smooth. (Young Sookie is dressed in a purple top and hair-band. She looks up to see Uncle Bartlett sitting in a chair.) Uncle Bartlett: How's the homework comin'? (Young Sookie sits on a sofa opposite Uncle Bartlett. She has an open book on her lap, and a pencil in her right hand.) Young Sookie: I hate math. Gran usually helps me. Uncle Bartlett: Maybe I can help. Uncle Bartlett (smiling; thinking): Her skin is perfect. So soft. Uncle Bartlett: Come sit on my lap so I can see you better. (Young Sookie seems unsure, but she gets up and, bringing her book and pencil with her, sits on Uncle Bartlett's lap. He holds her around her waist as she climbs onto his lap, and he lets go of her once she's settled. Young Sookie begins writing in her book, holding her pencil with her right hand.) Uncle Bartlett: I'm good at this. It's easier than you think. Uncle Bartlett (thinking): No hair anywhere on her body. (Uncle Bartlett pulls young Sookie's hair away from her neck as she continues with her homework.) Uncle Bartlett (thinking): Oh my. Uncle Bartlett: Uncle Bartlett loves you, sweetie. (The flashback ends. Sookie and Bill are still in Bill's bathtub.) Sookie: It was just...touching. Wasn't nearly as bad as what happens to some girls. Bill: Did you tell anyone? Sookie: Gran. She ran him off and never spoke to him again. Her own brother. Bill: It wasn't your fault. Sookie: I know that. But...here I am. I mean...just had one of the most important experiences...in a girl's life. And... It was so, so perfect. Great. I hate that...I can't...not...think about him. (Bill pulls Sookie to him and pulls her toward him, with her back up to his chest, and holds her. They lean back.) Bill: You think about whatever you think about. It's OK. You're safe with me. SCENE 3: The lower half of Lafayette's face is seen through the black-and-white viewfinder of a video camera. Dance music plays in the background. Lafayette: You <snip> gonna have to be...patient. (Lafayette steps away from the video camera. He is wearing a hooded jacket. He unzips it and removes it. He is shirtless.) Lafayette: There's good things comin' your way. (POV of an observer in Lafayette's living room. The video camera is on a tripod. Lafayette is wearing a gold lamé baseball cap. His jeans, around which is a large gold belt, sag enough to reveal a gold lamé whale tail.) Lafayette: This ain't Christmas morning... (Lafayette begins dancing suggestively in front of the video camera.) Lafayette: ...and you're all jacked up on caffeine, rippin' off that cheap Wal-Mart paper to get your...blender. Naw... (Someone opens Lafayette's front door as his back is turned.) Lafayette: Whole lot of creativity went into this package and I want you to... (Jason, sweaty and dressed in a gray undershirt and a dark blue ball-cap worn backwards, enters Lafayette's living room and watches Lafayette as he unintentionally gives Jason a prime shot as he slides his pants down, revealing his butt.) Lafayette: ...enjoy. Jason: Whoa! (Startled, Lafayette hikes his pants up and turns around. Jason turns and starts to leave.) Lafayette: <snip>. Jason: Back up the truck, man. (Lafayette has picked up a wine bottle by its neck with his right hand, and points it at Jason.) Lafayette: Don't <snip> creep, bitch. You're <snip> creepin'. What the <snip> you doin' here? Jason: I just need to get some more V. (Lafayette tosses the bottle aside. It does not break.) Lafayette: I need you to run your ass out of my <snip> damn doorway, 'cause I'm <snip> workin'. Jason: Come on, buddy. I just need a little. Lafayette: I told you not to take too much. Jason: Yeah, I know. Lafayette: Uh, huh. And you wind up in the hospital. I said keep quiet about where it came from, and you <snip> ran off at the mouth to Tara. Then you got vamped up and <snip> threw a cop around. You can't handle the <snip>...(sarcastically) buddy! Jason: Look, I'll pay however you want. I'll even show my wiener on your website. Lafayette: You can take your little stumpy white <snip> and get the <snip> up out my joint. That's what I want. (Jason and Lafayette stare at one another.) Jason: And what you gonna do? Hmm? You gonna call the law? (Jason sneers at Lafayette, and bends down to open the door of an end table. Lafayette grabs Jason in a full nelson and pulls him away from the end table.) Jason: <snip>. What'cha got? Lafayette: Don't <snip> <snip> me, <snip>. Hear me? 'Cause I will <snip> your ass up. You get me? Jason: Yeah. OK. (Lafayette releases Jason from the full nelson.) Lafayette: Get the <snip> up outta here. (Jason stumbles to the front door, opens it, and exits, then pops his head through the door.) Jason: Oh, can you at least tell me where I can find some more? Lafayette: Go to the <snip> morgue, 'cause that's where you're goin'. Get the <snip> outta here. (Lafayette slams the door and peers through the mini-blinds over a window in the door.) Lafayette: Bitch. SCENE 4: The Old Compton House. Bill, wearing a white long-sleeved henley shirt, presses a panel on a wall that is actually a door to a small room. Sookie is with him, wearing the striped blue shirt Bill wore when he spoke to the Descendants of the Glorious Dead. He kneels down, and opens a trap door with a gold-fringed rug attached to it. Bill: This is where I spend my days. Sookie: Does anyone ever get in there with you? Bill: This is not a place for you. Sookie: So we can never sleep beside each other. Bill: No one else knows where I rest. (Bill and Sookie kiss. He steps into the empty space under the trap door and closes it.) SCENE 5: Lettie Mae's kitchen. Lettie Mae pours a cup of coffee into a chipped yellow mug with a crudely drawn pink pig and the word "PARTY" on it. An unknown announcer preaches the Gospel over either the TV or a radio and plays in the background for the duration of the scene. Unknown Announcer (off-camera): What does it mean to accept Jesus as your personal savior? Tara (off-camera): We'll write a check for the electric and put it in the water envelope, then stick the check for the water bill in the electric envelope. (Lettie Mae pours some vodka into the chipped coffee mug.) Unknown Announcer (off-camera): Say the words "I accept Jesus as my personal savior..." Tara (off-camera): They'll both think it was a mistake and call about it. Then we'll be in the clear for another month. (Lettie Mae walks into the living room with her coffee and vodka. Tara is already sitting on the sofa.) Lettie Mae: I need four hundred and forty-five dollars. Tara: No way, Momma. We are broke. (Lettie Mae walks toward an older, cracked leather chair and sits in it. The living room, lit by the morning sun through the windows, seems clean, yet bottles of various shapes and sizes are on the coffee table. A pack of cigarettes lays next to a large ashtray with several cigarette butts in it.) Lettie Mae: I need it to exorcise the demon that's livin' inside of me. (Lettie Mae sips her coffee cocktail.) Tara: You need to do what normal people do. Stop drinkin' and go to AA meetin's. Lettie Mae: I'm not a group person, and the demon knows that. Tara: Does the demon know you spike your coffee? I can smell it from here. Lettie Mae: I can't help it. The demon told me to finish off everything in the house today. (Tara stands up and walks to to the kitchen, grabs something, walks back to the living room and sits on the sofa.) Lettie Mae: It doesn't want me to get exorcised. Tara: Yeah, next time you and your demon have a little chat, you can tell it to go out and get a damn job. Lettie Mae: The demon has a job. Going after people that are weak but still have faith. It's a jealous demon and it knows how close I am to Jesus. That's why it picked me. Tara: Oh, my God. Lettie Mae: Don't you dare take the Lord's name in vain! (Lettie Mae and Tara share the silence, then Lettie Mae leans toward Tara.) Lettie Mae: Tara, honey...I know I wasn't the best mother. I <snip> up a lot and I'm sorry. I want to do this for the both of us. That's why I talked her down fifty dollars. Please help me with this. Please. Tara: Momma. Put down that coffee and look at me. Lettie Mae: It's the demon drinkin', not me. Tara: Gimme that! (Tara stands up and tries to grab the coffee mug from Lettie Mae.) Lettie Mae: What the...? Don't spill it! Tara: Momma! (The coffee cocktail spills onto Lettie Mae, and she sucks up whatever amount has spilled onto her.) Lettie Mae: It's the demon! It's the demon! SCENE 6: The Stackhouse home. Sookie opens the front door of the house, still dressed in Bill's striped blue shirt, and her white nightgown is draped over her left arm. She closes the door, and hears noises coming from one of the rooms. She turns toward the living room and walks in the direction of the noises, and sees Jason carrying a paper grocery sack and two silver candlesticks. He is sweaty, and seems surprised to see her. Sookie: Jason! Jason: <snip>. Sookie: What are you doin'? Jason: Huh? Nothin'. Nothin'. (Sookie tosses her nightgown aside. Jason walks up to Sookie and notices the fang marks on her neck.) Jason: Huhhhh. You went ahead and did it, huh? My own sister. Nothin' but a damn fang-banger. Now, you saved it all these years for a <snip> vampire? Sookie: Bill is a gentleman. Jason: He bit you! Sookie: He doesn't hit me, which is more than I can say for you! Jason: I tried to apologize for that, but you wouldn't let me! Sookie: What are you doin' with that Gran's candlesticks? Jason: I'm just, uh...takin' half o' what's mine. Sookie: It were her wedding present from her mother. Jason: Yeah, well, I need the money. Sookie: For what? You have a job and a house! Jason: Sook, it's none of your business! Sookie: Uhn-uh! Gran might have spoiled you rotten, but I won't! This is my house now! You put those things down and get out! (Jason looks at Sookie and walks around her, still holding the paper sack and candlesticks. Sookie tries to take the sack from him, and the sack tears open, spilling onto the hardwood floor other silver items, and a pearl necklace.) Sookie: You were gonna sell her jewelry? (Empty-handed, Jason opens the front door and leaves.) SCENE 7: A dog resembling a collie lays on the dirt in front of Sam Merlotte's house trailer as Tara approaches off-camera. Tara (off-camera): Hey, dawg! (Inside the trailer, Sam is trying to make some repairs underneath a counter. The screwdriver he's using slips, cutting his hand in the process, and he bleeds.) Sam:<snip> damn son of a bitchin' <snip> <snip> trailer! (As Sam rocks back and forth, Tara walks in and leans over the counter, looking down toward him. He looks up at her.) Sam:What are...what are you doin' comin' in here like you own the place? (Tara walks back to the door and knocks on it.) Tara: Better? (Smiling) Or you want me to call? (Tara walks back toward the counter.) Tara: "Hi, Sam, it's me, the girl you've been <snip>. Mind if I drop by to interrupt your cussin' spell, say 'hi' to you and your cute little dawg?" Sam:Yeah, I do mind. Last time I saw you, you left me high and dry in some fleabag motel in the middle of the night. Tara: I had to... Sam: That wasn't the first time. I don't have time for that kind of <snip>! Tara: Well maybe I'm not in that big a hurry to get somethin' goin' with my boss. Sam:Then why the hell are you here? And it was your big idea to have s*x, not mine. Tara (yelling): Don't act like you didn't want it! Sam (yelling): I hired you after you got fired from every other place in town! Now, you throw bein' your boss in my face? Don't treat me like I'm some kind of <snip>! Tara: Did you honestly think I'd sleep with you if I thought that? (Sam comes out from under the counter and stands up. He is wearing a watch on his left wrist.) Sam:I have no idea what the <snip> you think, Tara, but I'll tell you what I think: I think you better give me one good reason not to throw you outta right now! Tara: I'm no good at this. Sam:Try harder. Tara: Sam...I'm sorry. I don't know how to be with somebody. I never...maybe I'm un-boyfriend-able. (Sam looks at Tara, and shakes his head.) Sam:Aw, I'm just in a <snip> mood. Tara (off-camera): 'Cause o' me? I don't want that. (Sam walks away from the counter and from Tara toward a window.) Sam:No, it's not you. It's just...this trailer's fallin' down around me. Tara: Well, at least you're not livin' wit'cher mother. (Sam turns to face Tara.) Tara: Hey, do your folks ever ask you for money for some stupid-ass <snip> they dreamed up that you think is crazy? Sam:My family's not close. (Sam goes beneath the counter and resumes his repairs.) Tara: You're lucky. You need a Robertson screwdriver. Sam:How would you know somethin' like that? Tara: No daddy and a drunk mom. All the fixin' fell to me. (Tara looks around Sam's trailer.) Tara: Place would look good with a...with a little work. (Tara and Sam exchange looks. Tara's cell phone rings, and she answers it.) Tara: Hello? [pause] Speakin', who is this? [pause] What? SCENE 8: The bank. Lettie Mae is wearing a dress, her hair with strands sticking out in several directions, and is seated at a desk. Behind the desk is Gus, a suited older white male loan officer. On his desk is a small sign with "CONSUMER LOANS" engraved on it. Gus: Well, I'm sorry, Mizz-rizz Thornton, but it is against bank policy to extend a loan for an exorcism. Lettie Mae: We both know what's goin' on here. You won't give me a loan 'cause you're a bigot. Gus: Many of our clients are African-American. Lettie Mae: You sayin' that just proves my point! I ain't talkin' about the color of my skin, but you is. Gus: W...well, now that is simply not the case. We have recently accepted a client who is a vampire-American. Lettie Mae: I don't care who give loans to if not Lettie Mae Thornton. You are prejudiced against me because I am a Christian. Gus: What? No, I teach Sunday school. (Lettie Mae gets up and leans over the desk.) Lettie Mae: Uh, huh! Then you know what I'm talkin' about! The whole world is against us! They even try and take away Christmas! This is your chance to stop that persecution in its tracks! Show Jesus you have a charitable nature! Gus: Well, a bank is not a charity. Lettie Mae: Maybe Mister Gus...just don't...like women, is that it? (Lettie Mae walks behind the desk. The left shoulder of her dress has slipped down quite a bit, exposing her shoulder, as well as her left bra strap and the very upper part of her left bra cup.) Gus: No, what...I mean, yes! I... Lettie Mae: Then let's you and me work somethin' out. My landlord don't mind if a get a little... (Lettie Mae attempts to sit on the loan officer's lap.) Lettie Mae: ...behind in my rent. (Two bank tellers and a customer notice Lettie Mae as Gus protests.) Gus: Oh...I think we need to terminate this conversation. Lettie Mae: There may be snow on the mountaintop, but there's fire in the valley! (Tara bursts in through the bank's door.) Tara: What the hell, momma? (Lettie Mae walks in the direction of Tara, but walks by her toward the tellers and customers. Gus stands up.) Lettie Mae (to the tellers and customers; yelling): This white devil tried to sexual harass me! I'm gonna sue his narrow ass! (Lettie Mae turns to face Gus and Tara.) Gus: I assure you, ma'am, I... Tara: What are you doin' here? Lettie Mae (yelling): Tryin' to borrow money, 'cause I got a daughter who want me to live with a demon inside of me! Tara: Momma, there is no demon. You just have an addiction. Lettie Mae (yelling): I can feel it in me right now! (to the others in the bank) Nobody believes me?! (Lettie Mae faces Tara, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.) Lettie Mae (yelling): I do not want to live like this no more! (Lettie Mae looks at Tara, and seems ready to cry.) Lettie Mae: I can't! (Tara looks at Lettie Mae, and also seems ready to cry.) SCENE 9: Lettie Mae's house. Tara opens the door, and she and Lettie Mae walk inside. Lettie Mae seems unsteady on her feet. Lettie Mae: I gotta go lay down. That demon is gnawin' at me somethin' awful. (Lettie Mae and Tara walk through the hall into the kitchen.) Tara: You need to drink some water. (Tara stops at the sink, filled with dirty dishes, as Lettie Mae continues walking. Tara heaves a soft sigh, and fills the sink with water. Tara stoops down to open the cabinet below the sink, and pulls out a large Brillo box. Tara opens the Brillo box and pulls out a scrubbing pad, then some cash.) SCENE 10: Merlotte's Bar & Grill. Sookie is wearing a green scarf tied around her neck, its knot on the right side of her neck, as she grabs an order from the kitchen and takes it away. Sam is behind the bar, and Lafayette is cooking as Royce, Wayne, and Chuck, the three rednecks Lafayette beat up in S01E05, walk in. Lafayette, wearing a black bandanna on his head and a gray tank top underneath his white apron, takes notice of the three as they sit themselves down at a table. Lafayette leaves the kitchen and enters the dining area, and Sam walks up to Lafayette and stops him. Sam:Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm payin' you to cook, not beat on customers. Lafayette: Then I want a <snip> raise. (Lafayette looks at the the three rednecks as Sam replies.) Sam:I'll think about it, but 'til then, no trouble, OK? We're gettin' busy. (Terry Bellefleur, wearing a light blue shirt and carrying a red bus tub, walks up to Sam.) Terry: Tara called. She ain't comin' in. (Terry Bellefleur leaves.) Sam:What? Aww...hell, we're already short a waitress. (Sookie returns, walking quickly past Sam up to the kitchen window.) Sookie: Don't worry, Sam. We'll make it work. (Sam leaves, and Lafayette turns toward Sookie.) Lafayette: Well, <snip> damn! Look at'chew! All porn-a-licious. What kind of crazy mix you done and got yourself into? (Sookie has turned to face Lafayette. She smiles broadly.) Sookie: Can't I just be in a good mood without it bein' a big deal? It's a pretty night outside, and I'm glad to be enjoyin' it with my friends. (Sookie takes another order from the window and walks past Lafayette.) Lafayette: Um, hmm. (Sookie walks past Sam, whose head turns as Sookie walks with the food into the dining area.) (Randi Sue, dressed in a multi-colored sleeveless top and Daisy Dukes, sits by a public telephone next to a green door at Merlotte's. She is talking with Jason, and has a bottle of Corona beer in her hand.) Jason (off-camera): Yeah? Randi Sue: Hey. It's me. (Jason, still dressed in his sweaty gray tank top and backward-worn ball-cap, walks into his house, closes the door, and walks to the kitchen.) Jason: Hey. Who's me? Randi Sue: Randi Sue. Like you don't knooooooooooow. (Jason has his cell phone cradled to his right ear as he puts something in his left jeans pocket.) Jason: Oh, hey, hey! How's it goin'? (Jason washes his face in the kitchen sink.) Randi Sue (off-camera): Well, I'm at Merlotte's... (Randi Sue crosses her legs.) Randi Sue: ...and I'm just waitin' for you to come on down and, um...buy me a drink. (Jason walks across his living room, removing his ball-cap and tossing it onto the floor. He begins to remove his shirt.) Jason: Oh well, uh...I ain't comin' to Merlotte's tonight. Randi Sue: You ain't avoidin' me, are you? 'Cause that's <snip> not gonna fly, cowboy. Not after the other night! (Jason has removed his shirt. He has a small towel draped over his left shoulder as he walks back to the kitchen.) Jason: I know, of course not. It's just that I'm goin' into Shreveport tonight, that's all. (Jason sprays anti-perspirant under his arms.) Randi Sue: Can I come? Jason: Sure. Um, I was thinkin' about goin' to that vampire bar. You know where it's at? (Jason grabs a slice of pizza from a pizza box on the breakfast bar. Randi Sue is silent as she leans forward and back at the public phone.) Jason (off-camera): Hello? Randi Sue: Uh, uhn. I may not know much, but I do know better than to associate... (Jason walks from the kitchen to the door, with the slice of pizza clenched between his teeth.) Randi Sue (off-camera): ...myself with people of low moral character. (Jason does not remove the pizza from his mouth as he replies.) Jason: Uh, huh. OK. (Jason opens the door and leaves his house.) Randi Sue (off-camera): I hope you enjoy spendin'... (Randi Sue is standing up by the public phone.) Randi Sue: ...eternity in hell! (Randi Sue grabs her purse.) Randi Sue: <snip>! (Randi Sue hangs up the phone, adjusts the front of her top, picks up her Corona, and walks away.) (The bowl of a spoon is being heated in an open flame over the stove at Merlotte's. A heavy black glove is worn on the hand that holds the spoon.) Lafayette (off-camera): Ahh! (Lafayette takes the spoon and places it in a bowl of soup sitting in the kitchen window. The heat of the spoon produces a small sizzle, and a small puff of smoke rises from the bowl of gumbo. Terry Bellefleur, his watch on his left wrist, is next to the kitchen window, but is facing away from it. Upon hearing the sizzle, Terry Bellefleur then turns to see Lafayette at the kitchen window, removing the black glove from his right hand.) Lafayette: Terry. Can you run that to them crackers, please? (Terry Bellefleur approaches the kitchen window and takes the bowl away.) Terry: Sure thing. Lafayette: Thank you so much. (Arlene is placing two mugs of beer on her tray. She wears a pink watch on her left wrist.) Sookie (off-camera): Don't you look nice tonight. (Arlene looks over her left shoulder at Sookie and smiles. Sookie seems quite perky this evening.) Sookie: I love how you did your hair. Arlene: Well, thank you! Honey...that scarf is double cute! (Sookie smiles.) Arlene: There's somethin' different about you. You need to tell me what is goin' on. Is it a man? Sookie: I'm not really comfortable discussin' my personal business. Especially not here. Arlene: Well, everyone else's personal life is open to you. (Arlene chuckles. Sookie's broad smile is downgraded to just a smile.) Arlene: I forgive you 'cause I know you can't help that, but it does make being your friend kinda lop-sided. (Arlene's jaw drops.) Arlene: Please tell me it was Sam, not that vampire. (Sookie smiles broadly again.) Sookie: Yes, it was Bill! And I think I might be in love with him. Oh, don't tell anybody, OK? (Royce has been burned by the heated spoon in his gumbo. He drops the spoon onto the floor.) Royce: Ahh! <snip> damn it! <snip>! (Lafayette, watching from the kitchen window, does not appear to gloat.) Lafayette: Sook, order up. (Sookie walks to the kitchen window. Arlene takes the tray with the beers, and walks over to René, who is sitting at the bar, resting his head on his right hand, staring upward.) Arlene: Sookie has been with that vampire! (René looks briefly at Arlene, then returns his attention upward.) René: Aw...that's jus' bar talk. Arlene: She told me herself. (Sam, behind the bar, looks at Arlene and Arlene looks at Sam.) Arlene: Oh my Lord! Suppose she gets pregnant. How in the world can she nurse a baby with fangs? (Sam looks upset.) René: You jus' be her friend. She need one now more than ever. (Sookie is delivering an order to a customer at one of her tables.) Sookie: There you go. You're gonna love that okra special. It's so fresh, it'll hop right off your plate! (Sookie turns and walks away from the table and Sam approaches her.) Sookie: Oh, don't go anywhere. I need two more pitchers of Bud. (Sam rips the green scarf from Sookie's neck, exposing her fang marks.) Sookie: Hey, you keep your hands to yourself, Sam Merlotte! (Sookie hits Sam with her open hand and pushes him away from her.) Sookie: You have no right to touch me! Sam:You're a damn fool, you know that? (Lafayette watches the scene between Sookie and Sam from the kitchen window as diners, including Chuck, watch from their seats.) Sookie: What I do on my own time is no concern of yours...(looking at the diners)...or any of y'all's. Yes! I had s*x with Bill, and since every one of y'all's too chicken to ask, it was great! I enjoyed every second of it. And if you don't like that, you can just fire me! (Sookie slams her tray onto Sam's chest and walks away). SCENE 11: The parking lot of Fangtasia. A few people talk to one another near a parked car. Jason walks quickly to the door. Outside the door is a red velvet rope, separating him from Pam, dressed in black, her arms akimbo, her hair down around her shoulders. Jason is dressed in a dark blue short-sleeved shirt, unbuttoned halfway, and looks around nervously before speaking to Pam. Jason (quietly): Hey. Pam: Your momma know you're out in the big city? Jason: Well, my momma's dead. Pam (unmoved): So am I. Let me see some ID. (Jason pulls out his ID and hands it to Pam. She looks at it, and looks somewhat quizzically at Jason, still keeping her cool exterior.) Pam: Jason Stackhouse from Bon Temps? Jason: Uh, huh. Pam: You related to Sookie by any chance? Jason: Uh, yeah. She's my sister. Well, how do you know her? Pam: She stands out. Do you? Jason (nervously): Uh, no. (smiling shyly) Maybe. In other...ways. (Pam gives the ID back to Jason.) Pam: Why are you here? Jason (looking around nervously): Why? Well, you know, I was...I heard it was cool. I wanted to...check it out, see what's up. I'm one of those open-minded kind of guys. Yeah. (Jason seems to be caught in a trance as Pam stares into his eyes and glamours him.) Pam: Tell me why you came here. Jason: I want some vampire blood. (Pam raises her left eyebrow.) Jason: What time do you get off work? Pam: You came for my blood? (Pam chuckles slightly.) Pam: Yeah, you're right. You're nothin' like your sister. (Jason seems puzzled as Pam's glamouring ends and she exposes her fangs to him.) Pam: Go on in. (Jason walks around Pam to the door.) Pam (in Jason's right ear as he passes her): And good luck gettin' out. SCENE 12: Uncle Bartlett is putting some trash into a garbage can behind his old, white house at night. Insects chirp in the background. A single light illuminates the area where the garbage cans are, at the foot of a wheelchair ramp leading up to the back door. With effort, he turns his wheelchair around and slowly pushes himself up the ramp. On the wall at the left of the top of the ramp seems to be a sign with "NO SMOKING" in red letters. Uncle Bartlett continues pushing himself, and he looks up and sees Bill standing before him, and stops. Uncle Bartlett: I don't keep cash in the house. (A full moon is visible behind Bill as he stares at Uncle Bartlett.) Bill: Oh, I'm not here for money... (Uncle Bartlett allows his wheelchair to roll backwards to escape from Bill, but Bill is already behind him, and stops Uncle Bartlett's wheelchair.) Bill: ...I'm here for Sookie! (Bill exposes his fangs and he bends around to bite Uncle Bartlett from behind.) SCENE 13: Tara and Lettie Mae are walking on an unlit road at night. Tara: Damn! I'm gettin' eaten alive out here! Lettie Mae: You want to meet the devil, you wait at the crossroad. Tara: Yeah. That was a mile back. Lettie Mae: For Miss Jeanette, you gotta go past where the devil's at. Tara: That is the biggest load of <snip> I ever heard. You're gettin' as bad off as Lafayette and his juju. Lettie Mae: My poor sister. I pity havin' to raise a sexual deviant. (A dark figure, hunched over, leaning on a cane, comes out from the bushes along the road, to the left of Tara and Lettie Mae.) Lettie Mae: That runs in families, you know, like demons. Old Crone: You showed up. (Tara and Lettie Mae stop walking, and turn their heads toward the voice. They see an old crone holding a lit lantern in her right hand.) Old Crone: I figured that demon o' yours wouldn't let'cha. (Tara and Lettie Mae walk toward the old crone.) Old Crone: You must be Tara. I'm Miss Jeanette. You ready? Fully prepared, body and soul, for this exorcism? (Tara and Lettie Mae stop within a few feet of Miss Jeanette.) Lettie Mae: I ain't ate anything all day, like you said. Miss Jeanette: Have you made your peace? Lettie Mae: Is it gonna hurt? Miss Jeanette: Of course it's gonna hurt. It's like childbirth. Except the demon don't wanna come out. And it ain'cher body that could get ripped up. It's your soul. Tara: Uh... Miss Jeanette: In olden days, folks paid my grandmama usin' tobacco and livestock. But today it's cash. In advance. (Tara takes money from her purse and hands it to Miss Jeanette, who counts it, and puts it in her purse. Miss Jeanette's hair is closely cropped to the shape of her head.) Miss Jeanette: That demon...will not inhabit you after tonight. Tara: Let's get this <snip> over wit'. (Miss Jeanette stares at Tara, then turns around, lifts the lantern, and walks into the woods. Tara and Lettie Mae follow her. Insects chirp loudly as Miss Jeanette shows them to an old bus, the inside of which is dark, illuminated only by candles. Tara enters first, looks around and notices various bottles, plates, and plants inside the bus, as well as an antique metal bathtub, and some shelves with jars. She also sees a cot with a pillow and blanket, on which rest six small stones. Tara turns around to see Lettie Mae has entered the bus, with Miss Jeanette behind her.) Miss Jeanette: Lettie Mae, you're gonna need to undress now. (Lettie Mae hands her purse to Tara and begins to undress.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 14: Merlotte's. Sookie has regained her perkiness, but not her scarf. She is talking to Lafayette at the kitchen window. Sookie: It felt like...it felt like every single care or worry or sadness I ever had was just...flowin' out of me into him. And, yeah, that hurt at first, but...then when I relaxed, it didn't hurt at all. Lafayette: I was always too scared to let 'em bite me. I don't know, Sook. I just think that, when there's blood involved, a line been crossed. Sookie: Oh, I definitely crossed a line, but...I'm glad I did. (Sookie takes into her hands an order from the window.) Lafayette: Well, you go on ahead, hooker, with your bad ass! Good for you! It ain't possible to live unless you crossin' somebody's line. (Sookie chuckles and leaves the kitchen window with the food order.) Lafayette: Skank. SCENE 15: Fangtasia. Eric sits in his large chair on the stage as his customers enjoy their evening. Eric is looking at his Blackberry as a blond woman in a black shirt approaches him. Blond Woman: Excuse me? (Eric looks up from his Blackberry.) Blond Woman: May I take a picture of you? (A male vampire with tattoos on his arms and long black hair is behind and to the right of the blond woman. Eric puts down the small devise and faces the blond woman. He spreads the fingers of his hands and touches the fingertips to one another in front of him, and exposes his fangs.) Eric: You may. (The blond woman takes a pink camera phone from her purse, opens it, and points it at Eric to take his picture. With lightning speed, the long-haired vampire grabs the blond woman's camera phone and smashes it to pieces against a nearby table to her left, glaring at the blond woman, not exposing his fangs.) Long-haired Vampire: No pictures! Blond Woman: He said I could take it. Eric: I did not say you could keep it. (Eric and the long-haired vampire smile and laugh at the blond woman, and she walks away.) (A blond female vampire dressed in black rubber is dancing in one area of the club, as Jason turns his head away from a male vampire dancing in another area. Jason sits alone at the bar. He seems sweaty and nervous.) Jason: Pretty good dancer. (Longshadow, the bartender, approaches Jason.) Longshadow: Can I get you another? (Jason finishes the last of his bottle of beer.) Jason: No. But I will have somethin' stronger. (A young brunette carrying a large purse is walking behind where Jason sits and turns her head toward him as Jason says "stronger." Longshadow leans toward Jason for clarification of his drink order.) Jason: Not Tru:Blood, but really strong. You know what I'm sayin'? Longshadow: We've got Kentucky straight bourbon, whiskey. Hundred proof. It'll turn the lining right off your stomach. Jason: Uh, yeah. Somethin' stronger than that. But you know, a different color? (The young brunette looks around.) Longshadow: Just tell me what the <snip> you want, little boy! Jason: Somethin' closer to the color of the walls in here. (The young brunette walks up to Jason.) Young Brunette: There you are, hon! Jason (to Longshadow): You know what I'm sayin'. (The young brunette grabs Jason by his left arm.) Young Brunette: Come sit with me. Jason (to the young brunette): No. Young Brunette: Come sit with me! Jason: I don't want you. Hold on a minute? (The young brunette pulls Jason away from his seat at the bar.) Young Brunette: I know what you're looking for. (The young brunette leads Jason to a table away from the bar.) Jason: <snip> damn. (The young brunette and Jason sit at the table.) Jason: It's hotter'n hell in here. Young Brunette: No, it's an icebox. You're sweating for another reason, aren't you?. Jason: I could use some V... (The young brunette looks around.) Young Brunette: Hey, V8! I don't think that they serve that here. (The young brunette looks at Jason with a stern look.) Jason: Why the <snip> would I want V8? (The young brunette grabs Jason's face with her left hand and looks him in the eye.) Young Brunette: Hey, shut up! Listen: they can hear really well, all right? So, let's talk about it later. All right? (Jason stares at the young brunette as she releases her grip.) Young Brunette: C'mon. Let's get out of here before you get us both killed. Jason: I ain't goin' nowhere until I get what I came for. Young Brunette: Hey! (The young brunette pats her purse and gives a knowing look to Jason. Jason points at her purse.) Jason (whispering): Purse? (louder) Let's do it. The young brunette and Jason get up and leave. SCENE 16: Merlotte's. Sookie is taking a pitcher of beer to Royce, Wayne, and Chuck's table. A purple, yellow, and green neon sign behind her reads "ABITA BEER". Royce (thinking):What kind of stupid bitch would go and do something like that? Sookie: Something like what, Royce? Royce: <snip> a vampire. Wayne: <snip> a vampire? Hell, no! I like my meat alive. (Wayne, Royce and Chuck smile and laugh. A "whoosh" sound is heard, and Diane, Liam and Malcolm, the three vampire "nesters", enter Merlotte's. Everyone in Merlotte's notices. Diane approaches a young man seated with a woman at a booth and leans over him as the woman cowers.) Diane: Well, hey there, sugar. SCENE 17: A lake. Someone is opening the trunk of a car in the darkness. The car is parked not too far from a dock to the lake, seen in the foreground. The trunk lid is opened, revealing the body of Uncle Bartlett. He is bleeding from the right side of his neck. We see Bill standing, looking at Uncle Bartlett's body. Bill leans over into the trunk. SCENE 18: Merlotte's. Sookie looks worried, and Sam walks into the dining area, where the three vampires are. Malcolm: Get us three Tru:Bloods. Sam:Y'all need to go somewhere else. This is a family place. Locals only. Malcolm: Well, we just closed on a place up the road, so that makes us official citizens of Renard Parish. We're the new locals. Sam:My place, my rules. Malcolm: Discrimination against vampires is punishable by law in the great state of Louisiana. Personally, I don't give a <snip>... (Malcolm looks around the dining area, and sneers.) Malcolm: ...but I ...am...thirsty. Sam:You...are...not...welcome here. (Diane chuckles. She is still at the booth, running her fingers through the young man's hair.) Diane: That <snip> only works in a private home. Malcolm: Oh! How nice to see you again, Sookie! (Malcolm walks toward Sookie. Diane frowns, pushes the young man aside, and leaves the booth.) Malcolm: You are looking delectable as always. Sam (to Sookie): You know them? (Sookie looks directly at Malcolm as she replies to Sam.) Sookie: We've met. Malcolm: Well, well! (Malcolm notices the fang marks on Sookie's neck.) Malcolm: It looks like Little Miss Holdout has given up the goods. Brava! Did he leave enough for the rest of us? Sookie: I am his. Malcolm: Well, he is not here, is he? And while Bill's away, Malcolm will always play. (Malcolm exposes his fangs to Sookie. She gulps.) At the lake, Bill is on the dock and looks downward as he drops Uncle Bartlett's body into the lake. Suddenly, he looks up, and runs away with lightning speed. Back at Merlotte's, Sookie's confrontation with Malcolm continues as she pushes him away from her. Sookie: Don't you think for one second I'd ever have anything to do with you! I'm sure you were trash while you were alive, and now you're just dead trash! Malcolm: I'm gonna drain you so slowly, you're gonna beg me to kill you. (Terry Bellefleur runs from a booth in the back toward Malcolm, screaming.) Terry: Jihad this, <snip>! (With lightning speed, Diane grabs Terry and throws him across the room. Terry lands at the pool table in the gaming area. Sam breaks a pool cue in half over his leg, and points the thick part of it toward Malcolm.) [b]Malcolm[/b]: You are a dead man. Sam:Maybe. But I'm gonna take one of y'all with me. Sookie: Sam! (Sam runs toward Malcolm with the pool cue as Liam takes the makeshift stake from Sam, hurling it like a javelin to the stack of glasses behind the bar. A woman screams. Liam has Sam on his back over the bar, his right hand around Sam's jaw.) Liam: I'm gonna reach down your throat and yank you inside out by your <snip>. Sookie: Please! Leave him alone! (With lightning speed, Bill runs into Merlotte's and walks toward Malcolm, Diane, and Sookie.) Bill: Stop this! Now! (Liam releases his grip on Sam.) Bill: You're here for me, not them! Malcolm: We had to get your attention, and I do believe it worked. Bill: What do you want? Malcolm: You never call me back. Now, if I remembered what feelings were, mine might be hurt. (Diane rushes to Bill with lightning speed, and strokes his cheek with her hand.) Diane: Join our nest, Bill. Forget these blood sacks. Liam: Yeah, mainstreamin's for <snip>. (Diane puts her arm around Bill and runs her fingers through his hair.) Diane: Let's party like we used to, huh? We used to have so much fun. (Sookie looks sadly at Bill and Diane. Bill looks at Sookie, downcast.) Bill: All right. Let's go. Sookie: What the hell are you doing? Bill: I should be with my own. Sookie: But you're not like them. You're better than they'll ever be! Bill: I am not human, Sookie. I am vampire. (Bill and Sookie exchange a long stare. Liam and Diane leave Merlotte's, followed by Bill and Malcolm. Royce points to the door.) Royce: Well, that ain't right, him comin' in here like that! Ain't right them things even exist. Unknown male voice #1: Well, it is a full moon tonight. SCENE 19: A gas station. Jason is pumping gas into his truck. Suddenly, he turns around. Jason: Let's take the V and go to a roadhouse. (The young brunette Jason left Fangtasia with is standing outside his truck with him. She smiles.) Young Brunette: Not so fast, dude. The setting is crucial. Y'know, just breathe deep. Think about somethin' that you like. Sunrise on the gulf. Jason: I never get up that early. Young Brunette: Well, something beautiful then. You know, whatever you think is relaxing...and nice. Jason: How about you? Young Brunette: I'm Amy Burley. Pleased to meet you. Jason: Jason Stackhouse. Where you from? Amy: Storrs, Connecticut, originally. You know, I knew that you'd drive a truck. I knew it. I bet you work outside, too, huh?. Jason: Maybe. Or maybe I run a store at the mall. Naw...no, really, I'm a doctor. Amy: Ah! What's your specialty? Jason: Legs. I'm a leg doctor. Amy: Well, doc, I love this truck. I do. It's authentic. You know, it's how a truck should be. None of that stupid extended-cab-four-wheel-drive-just-to-go-to-the-mall crap. Jason: Yeah. How much V you got? Amy: How far to your place? Jason: Get in. (Jason and Amy leave the gas station in Jason's truck.) Jason (from inside the truck): Yee-haa! (The truck speeds away.) SCENE 20: Miss Jeanette's bus. Lettie Mae's exorcism is underway. Miss Jeanette is arranging small stones in a pattern on Lettie Mae, who is laying on her back on the cot, naked except for her bra and slip. Tara watches Miss Jeanette from behind, her arms folded. Tara (off-camera): Where'd you learn how to do this? Miss Jeanette: I learned from my momma. And she learned from hers and so on, going back a thousand years. Miss Jeanette: Now, we're gonna lure this demon out! And then... Tara: Lure it out? With a bunch of rocks? Uh, huh. Don't you need a Ouija board and some chicken bones? Lettie Mae: Tara, shut up! Tara: It's my money! Lettie Mae: But it's my demon! Miss Jeanette: Look! Miss Jeanette: (to Lettie Mae) I know you love your daughter...(to Tara) and I know you love your momma, or else you wouldn't be here. (Miss Jeanette redirects her attention to setting the scene.) Miss Jeanette: But this is a serious situation. For all of us. (Miss Jeanette sprinkles some powder over Lettie Mae.) Miss Jeanette: Demons can kill. And this one will, given half a chance. Tara: Aw, hell... (Miss Jeanette turns to face Tara.) Miss Jeanette: Y'all need to calm down! (Tara sits down and folds her arms, staring at Miss Jeanette. Miss Jeanette returns the stare, then continues with her preparations, picking up a flat, nearly triangular-shaped, stone with two round holes of different sizes in it, and a smaller hole that does not appear to go all the way through the stone.) Miss Jeanette: The sacred Crone Stone. It's been in my family since Africa. My generation was twelve kids. But the stone chose me. (Miss Jeanette turns around to a table behind her and removes a cloth covering from a cage. An opossum is inside the cage.) Tara: Aw, hell no!. You ain't puttin' that thing on my momma. (Tara gets up and moves toward Miss Jeanette, who turns to face Tara and stops her with her arm.) Miss Jeanette: Soon as that demon leaves your mother, it'll be lookin' for a new place to stay! Come on! (Miss Jeanette makes Tara sit down.) Miss Jeanette: We all gonna have to be still. Don't even breathe! Let it find the 'possum. (Miss Jeanette places the Crone Stone on Lettie Mae's stomach, and Lettie Mae gasps as the Stone touches her. Miss Jeanette hums in monotone as she picks up a native-looking bongo drum and beats slowly on it. Her tempo increases and slows.) Miss Jeanette: Sing a Crone Stone Song. Sing what land made me. Dream tinker is my drum. I hold the power of the Stone. The Water. The Leaf. The Dirt. Stone. Water. Leaf. Dirt. Sing a demon song. Sing the night who made you dark and wet, hungry and cold, trapped in darkness forever, lonely for the light. (Lettie Mae begins convulsing and screaming. The Crone Stone, as well as the smaller stones, remain on her body.) Miss Jeanette: You are safe here. Safe and welcome. Safe and welcome. By the power of the stone, I bid you depart and join the world of light! (Lettie Mae continues her convulsing and screaming, as Miss Jeanette utters words from an indeterminable tongue. The opossum squeals. Miss Jeanette turns to fetch the cage, and pushes the cage (with the opossum still inside), into the metal bathtub, filled with water. The opossum, not fully submerged, thrashes in its cage, but Miss Jeanette grabs a stick and forces the cage underwater. Lettie Mae's convulsing and screaming have stopped as well. SCENE 21: Terry Bellefleur is sitting on the floor in a room in the back of Merlotte's. Arlene kneels in front of him. Terry seems shell-shocked as he speaks to her. Terry: I froze up. I let everybody down. I didn't do nothin'. Arlene: This ain't Baghdad, Terry. It's Merlotte's, OK? Ain't nothin' anybody coulda done. Terry: I'm supposed to. (Terry appears to be choking back tears.) Arlene: Shhhh. (Terry's eyes are closed, and he nods slightly.) (Meanwhile, in the dining area, Royce is standing up at his table, with half of the broken pool cue in his hand, talking with Wayne and Chuck. Behind him, at the bar, is Sookie.) Royce: I know where that house they bought is at. About four miles away. Right at the edge of town. (Sookie brings a pitcher of beer to Royce's table.) Royce: It'd be easy to sneak up on 'em. Sookie: If you think you can sneak up on a vampire, then y'all are dumber in the head than a hog is in the butt. Wayne: <snip> a vampire don't make you no expert. Royce: You're contaminated from normal people. Sookie: What would you know about normal people? Royce: I know they don't <snip> dead things. (Wayne and Chuck laugh.) Sookie: You mess with Bill Compton, I promise: you will be a dead thing. (Sookie looks hard at Royce, and walks to the bar. Sam is behind the bar, and Arlene is looking at tickets.) Sookie: Sam, we gotta do somethin'. These rednecks are gettin' riled up. They're talkin' about going after the vampires. Sam: That's not my problem. Arlene: I hope they kill 'em all. Sookie: Bill is not like them. Sam: He went with 'em. Sookie: To get them away from here. Sam: Doesn't matter. He belongs with his own kind. Sookie: Oh my God, are you listening to yourself? Sam: Whatever goes on between you and him's your business, but I do not want him in my bar. (Sookie walks away from the bar and hears Royce's thoughts.) Royce (thinking): Weren't for little Stackhouse bitch, there wouldn't be no vampires comin' around here at all. Round 'em all up at daybreak and shoot the sunlight into 'em. (Sookie walks to the back of Merlotte's.) SCENE 22: Jason's house. Rice Krispies and Cocoa Puffs are on the counter beside Jason's refrigerator. Jason opens the refrigerator and takes out two beers. Jason twists off the top of one of the bottles and hands it to Amy. Amy: I went to Wellesley. I was supposed to do pre-law but I said "screw it". I studied philosophy instead and that <snip> the parental units off big time, as if the meaning of life's just irrelevant, right? (Jason twists the top off the other bottle, as Amy drinks from hers.) Jason: I got two years at vo-tech studyin', um...landscape technology. (Jason leans his back against the refrigerator and takes a swig of beer as Amy walks to his sofa.) Amy: Finally I couldn't take anymore of that artificial lockjaw lifestyle, so I hit the road. Jason: Lockjaw? Like, rabies? (Amy sits down on the sofa and sits her beer on the coffee table. Jason sits beside her, with his beer in his left hand. Jason realizes he's sitting on a football, removes it, and holds it in his right hand. Amy grabs a box of matches from the coffee table, strikes a match against its side, and lights a pillar candle on Jason's coffee table.) Amy: No, it's talking with your teeth clenched together so you don't get lines in your face. [talking with her teeth clenched] "Amy, please tell me you're not having s*x with that dis-GUS-ting man." Jason: Well, people who talk that way 'round here don't want anyone to know they got their teeth knocked out. Amy: Where are your CDs? Jason: They're over there. (Jason points to the left of the back door.) Jason: Where's the V at? (Amy walks to Jason's stereo.) Amy: God, I love your place, man. It's very un-self-conscious. So off-the-grid. Jason: It was my parents' house. Haven't really done much with the place since they passed. (Amy has selected a CD.) Amy: That's even better. I mean, this place goes back to like a more legitimate time, you know, before everything got totally out of whack. (Amy places the CD in the stereo.) Amy: Your parents are part of Gaea. You know what Gaea is, right? Theory of Gaea? Jason: Yeah! (Music sounds from the stereo. It is not loud.) Amy: The earth is a living organism. Makes weather, which is good for us. Plants give us the chemicals we need. Everything is connected. But you know that. (Amy walks back to the sofa, and sits down.) Jason: Yeah, I don't like how they keep takin' stuff away. Like Pluto's not a planet anymore and a brontosaurus stopped being a dinosaur. You can't say somethin' stopped being what it's always been. (Amy smiles at Jason.) Amy: Do you live by yourself? Jason: Yeah. Come on, let's do the V's. (Amy opens her purse.) Amy: Slow down, baby. Do you even know how this stuff works? (Amy pulls out a purple bag from her purse. Jason shakes his head.) Jason (softly): No. (Amy scoots off the sofa and kneels in front of the coffee table.) Amy: It's blood. It carries oxygen to our organs, right? That's what makes them function. So it keeps us goin'. (Amy takes out a small plate from the bag and places it on the coffee table.) Amy: It's like gas in a car engine. Jason: OK. Amy: Vampires, they don't need oxygen. Everything just runs directly off the blood. (Amy takes out a prescription pill bottle, and a mortar.) Jason: Ah, like those cars that run on corn. (Amy holds up a vial of V and looks at it.) Amy: I've had this blood for like...forever, so we're gonna need to take some steps to keep it from coagulating. (Amy places the vial of V on the coffee table and takes other items from the small purple bag, also placing them on the coffee table.) Jason (whispering): Coagulating...! (Amy holds up a small round jar.) Amy: Aspirin. Thins it. (Amy opens the jar of aspirin, and places two in the mortar.) Amy: We'll get the full effect faster, and more intense. (Amy opens the vial of V, puts a dropper in it, and withdraws some of the V. Jason gets off the sofa and kneels beside Amy as she places a single drop of V onto each of the white aspirin pills. The V quickly turns each pill blood red.) Amy: You just know this is what Holy Communion is symbolic of. This is the real deal here. None of that lame-ass empty ritual. This is nature's greatest gift. (Jason smiles as he watches Amy grind the V-soaked aspirin pills with a pestle.) Jason: I thought they'd get all mushy. Amy: No. See, the V adapts. It wants to be in us. (Amy scrapes the red powder from the mortar with a blunt knife, and places the powder in two small doses on the small plate. Amy bows her head and prays.) Amy: We honor Gaea, and seek the deepest relationship to her. (Amy looks at Jason, who wasn't praying. Jason bows his head, and Amy does likewise.) Jason: Uh, yeah. Me too. And Pluto can start bein' a planet again, connected to stuff. (Amy still prays.) Amy: By taking the blood of the night into our bodies, we water the flowers of our souls. (Amy opens her eyes and turns her head to Jason.) Amy: Nothing is real. Everything is permitted. (Jason nods. Amy takes a small red straw and snorts one of the doses of V. She raises her head. Jason takes the straw and snorts the other dose of V, and looks at Amy looking at him. They smile. The sounds of birds and insects chirping are quite loud as Jason's living room becomes a red blur, with Amy coming in and out of focus. Amy kisses Jason's lips.) SCENE 23: Sookie is outside Merlotte's on her cell phone. Sookie (to herself, quietly): Dammit, Bill. Please pick up. Bill's pre-recorded voice greeting: Bill Compton. Generic pre-recorded female voice mail message: To leave a voice message, press "one" or just wait for the tone. (The tone sounds.) Sookie: Bill, this is the third time I've called. A lynch mob is going after those vampires. You gotta get outta there. Call me back, now! Generic pre-recorded female voice mail message: When you finish recording, you may hang up or press 'pound' for more options. (Sookie looks at her phone, and closes it.) SCENE 24: Jason is shirtless, staring directly in front of himself. He raises his arm and looks at the back of his hand and its outstretched fingers, then the palm side. He notices his reflection in the mirror on his door. It does not reflect Jason's surroundings, showing instead the bright, sunshiny outdoors. His reflection seems to lean toward us, and he suddenly turns his head around, looking around his bedroom from his seated position on his bed. Amy enters from behind, and kisses his neck as he looks upward. Jason falls back on his bed, Amy climbs on top of him and kisses his lips. Amy raises herself up, and lifts her left hand, her palm facing Jason. He places his right palm to her palm, and he looks at their hands, seeing sparks flying. They clasp their hands together. Jason: Whoa. (Amy has noticed the effect as well.) Amy: I know, right. (They look into Jason's dresser mirror, and sparks fly between Jason's and Amy's bodies.) SCENE 25: Tara is already outside of Miss Jeanette's bus as Miss Jeanette and Lettie Mae step out. Tara: I can't believe I spent four hundred dollars to watch you drown a damn possum. You better not have done anything bad to my momma. (Lettie Mae walks slowly toward Tara.) Lettie Mae: Is my demon gone forever? Miss Jeanette: That one is. Lettie Mae: I got another one? Miss Jeanette: No. You belong to yourself now. But we're gonna have to do somethin' about your daughter. Tara: You ain't gonna do nothin' for me. Miss Jeanette: Your demon...isn't the same kind as your mother's. But it's definitely livin' in you. Tara: Now you think I got a <snip> demon? Bitch, you as <snip> up as your bus. Miss Jeanette: That's that demon talkin' right now. And deep down inside, you know it's true. Tara: No, I do not. Miss Jeanette: I can help you. Tara: I don't want help. I don't need it. And I sure as hell can't afford it. (Miss Jeanette slowly walks up to Tara.) Miss Jeanette: Do you have many friends? Do you have trouble keeping a job? You have your own place? You have a boyfriend? How long have you ever been with the same man? (Tara doesn't look at Miss Jeanette, nor does she answer her.) Miss Jeanette: Um, hmm. (Miss Jeanette turns and walks toward the bus.) Miss Jeanette: Find me when you're ready. Tara: Let's go. Come on, Momma. (Tara grabs Lettie Mae's arm and they walk away.) SCENE 26: Bill Compton's house. Sookie enters through the front door, still in her Merlotte's uniform. The house is unlit. Sookie: Bill? (Sookie closes the door behind her.) Sookie: Bill? (Sookie walks to a paneled wall, just off the front hall. She presses the panel, and a door opens, revealing the space leading to Bill's sleeping place. She enters the small space, kneels, and opens the carpet-covered trap door, finding nothing. She walks into the parlor. Books with snuffed candles on them are on the coffee table. The blanket, on which Sookie and Bill made love, remains in front of the fireplace. Sookie sits on the sofa.) SCENE 27: The next morning. From a wooded area, Royce, Wayne and Chuck approach a lone house with a veranda and a red car parked in the dirt driveway. The three stop, and crouch in the wooded area. The three are wearing the same clothes they did the night before at Merlotte's. All are armed with unlit Molotov cocktails. Royce adds some pieces of a Styrofoam cup to his. Chuck: What are you doin'? Royce: Turnin' this <snip> into napalm. I ain't takin' no chances. (Chuck smiles.) Royce: All right, boys. I'm gonna take the front porch. You boys go around back to the back windows. Chuck: Which windows? Wayne: Don't matter, <snip>! (Wayne hits Chuck on his upper left arm, and Chuck falls.) Chuck: Hey! You'll <snip> spill it! Royce: Hey, hey! You wait 'til you hear me break the glass. All right? (Wayne nods. The three run toward the house with the homemade bombs.) Royce: Go! Go! (Wayne and Chuck run to the back of the house. Royce lights his bomb and throws it through the glass of the front door of the house. Royce runs to to the back of the house as Wayne lights his bomb.) Wayne (turning toward Chuck, who is off-camera): Hurry up! (Royce runs to Chuck just as Chuck has ignited his bomb and prepares to throw it.) Royce: Go! (The next shot shows Royce with Wayne (wearing a ball cap, unlike Chuck or Royce), as Wayne throws his bomb through a back window. Now, Chuck is again preparing to throw his bomb, and as he does so, the rag fuse of the bomb ignites his right arm.) Chuck: <snip>! (The three run away from the house, Chuck holding his right arm out away from him.) Royce: Stop running, dip<snip>! (Wayne tackles Chuck and they roll on the ground. Royce keeps running. Wayne smothers the fire on Chuck's arm, and they run away from the house. Flames and a thick black smoke rise upward into the dark blue sky, and odd, otherworldly screams are heard.) SCENE 28: A peaceful lake. Cousins Andy and Terry Bellefleur are fishing in a bass boat. Andy Bellefleur: Bet you didn't do much fishin' in Eye-rack. Terry: No fish in the sandbox. Andy Bellefleur: No wonder they're so <snip> off at us. We got channel cats and Shreveport <snip>. (Terry seems to have noticed something onshore.) Andy Bellefleur: I miss this. (Terry stands up in the boat.) Andy Bellefleur (off-camera): Gettin' up before dawn like when we were kids... (Terry makes the military clenched-fist gesture for "freeze".) Andy Bellefleur: ...watch the sun comin' up... (Andy notices Terry's fist still in the air, as Terry places his left index and middle fingers to his nose and then moves his left hand horizontally to his left. Terry nods once, lowers his left hand, and continues looking toward shore. Andy looks in the same direction now. A man runs naked along the lake's shore.) Andy Bellefleur: That was Sam Merlotte! (His fist lowered, Terry sits down.) Terry: Yup, I done that before. Andy Bellefleur: Where the <snip> was he goin'? Terry: Where has he been? Nobody cares. (A ring-tone similar to the theme from "Hawaii Five-O" sounds, and Andy takes out his cell phone.) Andy Bellefleur: Detective Bellefleur...aw, <snip>! SCENE 29: The tintype of Bill with his wife and children during his pre-Civil War life is in the foreground. Sookie rises from her sleep on Bill's sofa as a siren sounds in the distance. Sunlight streams through the foyer as she runs to Bill's sleeping place, the secret door still open. But she does not find Bill. Cut to a shot of red and blue flashers flashing on top of a police car. A fire engine is nearby. Police and firefighters walk or stand around the burned, smoking remains of Malcolm, Diane, and Liam's house. Sheriff Dearborn is speaking with a firefighter. Firefighter: As soon as we complete our portion, you can get in there and start investigatin'. It's probably arson, I'll say that. Sheriff Dearborn: Now we know one way to get rid of 'em. (A car honks off-camera, and Sheriff Dearborn turns in its direction. Sookie is driving her yellow early 1980s Honda Civic up to the scene. Some onlookers are present, as is a news crew (white van, with the number "3" and the letters "WQM" visible). A police officer walks down from the house.) Unnamed Police Officer #1: Special of the day: Country-fried Vampire. (Sookie, now out of her car, makes her way to the burned house.) Unnamed Police Officer #2: This'll take the heat off of them having to find out who's killin' those women. (The two police officers continue talking as Sookie runs past them to Sheriff Dearborn and Andy Bellefleur.) Sookie: Is Bill in there? (Sookie passes between the sheriff and detective and stares at the house.) Sheriff Dearborn: No way of knowin'. They're awful messy... (Two firefighters unload a charred coffin from the house.) Andy Bellefleur: ...but there was four of 'em. (The two firefighters place the charred coffin next to three other charred coffins.)

Plan: A: Sookie; Q: Who's blood did Bill take? A: her virginity; Q: What did Bill take from Sookie? A: Bill; Q: Who does Sookie reveal her dark secret to? A: uncle Bartlett; Q: Who molested Sookie? A: the hateful, frightening look; Q: What does Sookie fail to notice on Bill's face? A: A desperate Jason; Q: Who tries to score more V from Lafayette? A: Adele's old silver; Q: What does Jason try to steal from Sookie's house? A: Tara; Q: Who tries to smooth things over with Sam? A: Sam; Q: Who does Sookie try to get to intervene when the rednecks set fire to the house? A: Lettie Mae; Q: Who is making a scene at the bank? A: her exorcism; Q: What does Lettie Mae want a loan for? A: the loan officer; Q: Who is Lettie Mae accusing of being a bigot? A: Lettie Mae's treatment; Q: What does Tara agree to pay for? A: Fangtasia; Q: Where does Jason go to buy V? A: Amy Burley; Q: Who overhears Jason trying to buy V? A: his girlfriend; Q: Who does Amy pretend to be? A: Miss Jeanette; Q: Who is the witch doctor? A: a rundown bus; Q: What kind of bus does Miss Jeanette live in? A: nearly five hundred bucks; Q: How much money did Lettie Mae pay Miss Jeanette? A: her mother; Q: Who does Miss Jeanette say Tara has a worse demon than? A: Sookie's mood; Q: What gives away the previous night's events? A: the river; Q: Where does Bill dump Bartlett's body? A: humans; Q: Who does Bill agree to stop messing around with? A: heartbroken; Q: How does Sookie feel when Bill agrees to go with the vampires? A: Chuck; Q: Who is one of the rednecks that plot to kill the vampires? A: rescue workers; Q: Who is pulling the coffins out of the house? A: four burnt coffins; Q: What does Sookie find when she arrives at the vampire trio's house? Summary: After taking Sookie's blood and her virginity, Bill and Sookie soak in a warm bath. She feels comfortable enough to reveal a very dark secret. When she was a young girl, she was molested by her uncle Bartlett and she fails to notice the hateful, frightening look on Bill's face. A desperate Jason tries to score more V from Lafayette, who throws him out saying he will not sell anymore to someone as irresponsible as Jason. He goes to Sookie's house and tries to take some of Adele's old silver to sell, but Sookie stops him. Tara attempts to smooth things over with Sam, and is interrupted by a call from a bank, where Lettie Mae is making a scene, accusing a loan officer of being a bigot for not giving her a loan for her exorcism. Tara drags Lettie Mae away, but not before she offers to have sex with the loan officer in exchange for the money. After this, Tara agrees to pay for Lettie Mae's treatment. Jason winds up at Fangtasia, desperate for V, and foolishly attempts to buy from the vampire bartender, Longshadow. A young woman named Amy Burley overhears and, pretending to be his girlfriend, gets Jason out of danger with a promise of V. Tara and Lettie Mae go into the woods to a woman named Miss Jeanette, a witch doctor who lives in a rundown bus and, after handing over nearly five hundred bucks, Lettie Mae gets her exorcism. Just as they are leaving, Miss Jeanette tells Tara that she has a demon too, a worse one than her mother and that if she ever wants to lead a happy life, she must have it exorcised. Tara laughs this off and they leave. At Merlotte's, Sookie's mood gives the previous night's events away and both Sam and Arlene are very critical of Sookie's decision to sleep with Bill and let him feed. Sookie tells everyone in the bar to mind their own business. In the dead of night, Bill hunts down uncle Bartlett, murders him and dumps his body in the river. Merlotte's is crashed by Malcolm, Diane and Liam who menace the patrons of Merlotte's but Bill shows up in time to stop them from hurting anyone, but only if he goes with them and stops messing around with humans. Bill agrees, leaving Sookie heartbroken. Amy and Jason wind up at his place, do V and wind up in bed together. Chuck, Wayne and Royce, furious at the trio of vampires, plot to kill them. Sookie tries to get Sam to intervene, but he refuses to get involved and, at the break of dawn, the three rednecks set fire to the house in which Malcolm, Diane and Liam are residing. Sookie searches Bill's house, hoping to find him, but she does not. Getting desperate, she races to the vampire trio's house, but arrives to find rescue workers pulling four burnt coffins out of the charred remains of the house.

OPENING CREDITS Street They stop the cars in the middle of a road, and get out. Rick looks out for walkers. Rick: Fifteen, you're on point. Rick goes to the car where Maggie, Hershel, Daryl and T-Dog are looking at a map. T-Dog: We've got no place left to go. Maggie: When this herd meets up with this one, we'll be cut off, we'll never make it south. Daryl: What do you say, it's about 150 head? Glenn: That was last week, could be twice that now. Hershel: This river could have delayed them. If we move fast, we might have a shot to tear right through this. T-Dog: Yeah, but if this group joins with that one, they could spill out this way. Maggie: So we're blocked. Rick: Only thing to do is double back at 27th and swing towards Greenville. T-Dog: We picked through that already, it's like we spent the winter going in circles. Rick: Yeah, I know. I know. At Newnan we'll push west. Haven't been through the area. We can't keep going house to house. He looks at Lori in the car We need to find some place to hold up for a few weeks. T-Dog: Alright. Is it cool if we get to the creek before we head out? It won't take long. We gotta fill up on water, we can boil it later. Everyone goes back into the cars, except Rick and Hershel. Rick: Knock yourself out. Hershel: She can't take much more of this moving about. Rick: Well, what else can we do, let her give birth on the run? Hershel puts his hand on Rick's shoulder. Hershel: You see a way around that? Hershel leaves. Daryl: Hey, while the others wash their panties, let's go hunt. That owl didn't exactly hit the spot. Rick and Daryl leave the others to go hunting. They see a prison, surrounded by walkers. Daryl: That's a shame. Rick looks at it and at the walkers. Around the prison Rick cuts the wire around the prison with pliers. Glenn and Maggie kill a walker. Rick: Watch the backside! Lori: Got it. Everyone crosses the wire, they are now in an alley surrounding the prison. Rick: (To T-Dog) Hurry! Hurry! Glenn and Daryl close the wire up. They run, the walkers approach but are stopped by the wire. Daryl opens a door. The alley stops here. There is a courtyard filled with walkers, and then the prison. Rick looks at it. Rick: It's perfect. If we can shut that gate, prevent more from filling the yard, we can pick off these walkers. We'll take the field by tonight. Hershel: So how do we shut the gate? Glenn: I'll do it. You guys cover me. Maggie: No, it's a suicide run. Glenn: I'm the fastest. Rick: No. You, Maggie and Beth draw as many as you can over there (he points a direction) , pop them through the fence. Daryl, go back to the other tower. Carol, you've become a pretty good shot, take your time, we don't have a lot of ammo to waste. Hershel, you and Carl, take this tower. Carl: Alright. Everybody gets in position. Rick: I'll run for the gate. Glenn, T-Dog, Maggie and Beth draw the walkers by screaming, and kill them by stabbing them in the head through the fence. Glenn, T-Dog, Maggie, Beth: Come on! Hey, come here! Come on! Hey, come here! Come on! Hey come on! Come on! Come on! Hey come on, get over here, come on! Lori opens the door for Rick. He runs towards the prison, shooting walkers who get in his way. Glenn: Come on! Come on! Daryl, Carol, Carl and Hershel kill the walkers who get close to Rick. Carol almost shoots Rick by mistake. Carol: Sorry. Beth: Hey, come on, over here! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, come on, over here! The walkers are drawn to Rick, but he manages to shut the gate. Then, he goes in the tower and closes the door, followed by all the walkers. Carol: He did it! Daryl: Light it up! Hershel and Carl keep shooting some walkers. So does T-Dog. Rick is at the top of the tower, and he kills walkers too, and laughs. Maggie and Beth shoot some through the fence. Lori, Carol and Daryl kill some too. Rick kills the last one and smiles. They all meet up next to the yard. Carol: Fantastic! Daryl: Nice shooting. Carol: Yeah. (to Lori) You okay? Lori: I haven't felt this good in weeks. They go in the courtyard. Carol: Oh! Oh, oh! We haven't had this much space since we left the farm! (she laughs) Ah... Glenn puts down a walker. T-Dog laughs. T-Dog: Wooooo! In the yard, around a fire, at night Everyone except Daryl, Rick and Carol is sitting around a fire. Glenn eats something. Glenn: Mmmm... Just like mom used to make. Maggie smiles. Lori eats and looks at Rick who's on watch next to the fence. T-Dog: Tomorrow, we'll put all the bodies together. We want to keep them away from that water. Now, if we can dig a canal under the fence, we'll uh have plenty of fresh water. Hershel: The soil is good, we could plant some seed, grow some tomatoes, cucumbers, soybeans. (He looks at Rick) That's his third time around. If there was any part of it compromised, he'd have found it by now. Beth: (to Lori) This will be a good place to have the baby. Safe. On an overturned car, nearby Daryl, is standing on an overturned vehicle. He helps Carol to climb. She gives him food. Carol: That's not much. But if I don't bring you something, you won't eat at all. Daryl: Guess little Shane over there's got quite the appetite. Carol: (she laughs) Don't be mean. Rick's gotten us a lot further than I thought he would, I'll give him that. Shane could never have done that. Carol stretches her neck, Daryl eats a fruit. Daryl: What's wrong? Carol: It's that rifle, the kickback. I'm just not used to it. (she massages her neck) Daryl: Hold on. He puts his gun on the car, licks his finger, and massages Carol's shoulder, she laughs. Daryl's a little embarrassed. Daryl: Better get back. Carol: It's pretty romantic. (she pretends to kiss him) Want to screw around? Daryl: Pff... (they laugh) I'll go down first. Carol: Even better. Daryl: Stop. In the yard, around a fire, at night Hershel: Bethy, sing "Paddy Reilly" for me. I haven't heard that I think, since your mother was alive. Maggie: Daddy, not that one, please. Hershel: How about uh... "Parting Glass"? Beth: No one wants to hear. Carl looks at her, and Maggie smiles. Glenn: Why not? Beth: Okay. Of all the money e'er I had I spent it in good company And all the harm e'er I've ever done alas it was to none but me and all I've done for want of wit to memory now I can't recall so fill to me the parting glass good night and joy be with you all Maggie joins her in singing. Maggie and Beth: oh, all the comrades that e'er I had were sorry for my going away and all the sweethearts that e'er I had (Rick arrives, Carl gives him something to eat, he proposes some to Lori, she takes some reluctantly.) would wish me one more day to stay But since it falls unto my lot that I should rise and you should not I'll gently rise and I'll softly call good night and joy be with you all good night and joy be with you all Hershel: Beautiful. Glenn puts his hand on Maggie's leg, smiling. Rick: Better all turn in. I'll take watch over there, we've got a big day tomorrow. Glenn: What do you mean? Rick: Look, I know we're all exhausted. This was a great win. But we gotta push just a little bit more. Most of the walkers are dressed as guards or prisoners, looks like this place fell pretty early. Could mean the supplies may be intact. They have an infirmary, a commissary. Daryl: An armory? Rick: That would be outside the prison itself, but not too far away. Warden's offices would have info on the location. Weapons, food, medicine, this place could be a gold mine! Hershel: We're dangerously low on ammo. We'll run out before we make a dent. Rick: That's why we gotta go in there. Hand to hand. After all we've been through, we can handle it, I know it. These assholes don't stand a chance. Rick goes, followed by Lori. A little further Lori: Psst! (Rick turns around) I appreciate everything you're doing, we all do. But it's been a death march, and we're exhausted, can we just enjoy this for a few days? Rick: The baby will be here in a few days, it's no time for a picnic. Lori: No, but it's time to get the house in order. Rick: What do you think I'm doing? Lori: Your absolute best. Rick: Don't patronize me! (he goes, but she follows him) Lori: I'm not! I'm just saying... the baby is about to be here, and we need to talk about... Rick: About what? Lori: Things. We've been avoiding... Rick: You know what? You want to talk, talk to Hershel. I'm doing stuff, Lori. Things, isn't that enough? I'm still here. Lori: You're right. I'm sorry. Rick leaves, Lori has got tears in her eyes. In an abandoned shop Michonne enters an abandoned shop, a walker hears her and turns around. Michonne kicks him, and slices his head off with her katana. She then does the same to two other walkers. She takes what's useful, and leaves. Courtyard of the prison Hershel: Ready? Rick opens the door that leads to the courtyard. T-Dog enters and stabs a walker, Daryl, Rick, Maggie and Glenn enter as well. They all start stabbing walkers in the head. They all scream as they move towards the prison. In the meantime, Hershel, Carl, Carol, Lori and Beth try to draw the walkers to the fence in order to stab them through the wire. Hershel, Carl, Carol, Lori and Beth: Come on! Hey, come on! Hey! Hey, over here! Come on! Hey come here! The others keep killing walkers until the first courtyard is empty. Rick: Almost there. They walk and they see another courtyard filled with walkers. They hide behind a wall. Two walkers come out of a vehicle, they're dressed as guards, so they have helmets on. Two others come out from behind the wall, Maggie kicks one. Lori tries to see where the others are. Lori: I can't see them. (To Carol) Can you see them? Carol: Back there. They keep trying to kill the guards but it's not easy with their helmets on. Daryl kills a walker. Rick walks towards the courtyard filled with walkers in order to close it. He pushes a guard on the floor. Rick: Daryl! Daryl helps him kill the walkers on their way, and they manage to close the door of the courtyard. Maggie kills one of the guards by stabbing him in the neck. Glenn and T-Dog look impressed. Maggie: Seen that? Glenn and T-Dog kill another guard the same way Maggie did. So does Daryl. Rick kicks a guard, takes off his helmet, and he takes off his skin as well, and stabs him in the head. Maggie kills another one, the courtyard where they are is now filled with bodies. Rick: Stop. Glenn: Looks secure. Daryl: Nothing will lead to that courtyard over there. (He shows a body) And that's a civilian. T-Dog: So the interior could be over run by walkers from outside the prison. Glenn: Well, if there's walls, then, what are we gonna do? We can't rebuild this whole place. Rick: We can't risk a blind spot. We have to push in. They all walk towards a door leading to the prison. Daryl opens the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Cell block They wind up in an empty cell block and start looking out for walkers. Rick goes upstairs, he sees a dead guard, and takes his keys. He opens the door leading to all the cells, and they come in. Maggie sees a dead prisoner in one of the cells. Daryl goes upstairs, Rick joins him. They hear noises, turn around, and see walkers in the cells. They kill the walkers, and throw them downstairs. T-Dog carries a body outside. The others arrive, and take a look at the place. Rick: What do you think? Glenn: Home sweet home. Rick: For the time being. Lori: It's secure? Rick: (smiling) This cell block is. Hershel: What about the rest of the prison? Rick: In the morning, we'll find the cafeteria, and the infirmary. Beth: We'll sleep in the cells? Rick: I found the keys on some guards. Daryl has a set too. Daryl: I ain't sleeping in no cage. I'll take the perch. They all go look for cells to settle in. Carol: (To Lori) Come on. Lori: (To Rick) Thank you. Rick leaves without answering. Hershel and Beth's cell Beth and Carl go in a cell and look around. Beth: Pretty gross. Carl: Yeah, remember the storage units? Beth lies down on a bed. Beth: It's actually... it's actually comfortable! Check it out! Hershel arrives. Hershel: (To Carl) You found your cell yet? Carl: Uh, yeah, I was just making sure Beth was safe. See you tomorrow! Beth: See ya! Carl leaves, Hershel and Beth smile. Maggie and Glenn's cell Maggie and Glenn go in a cell and look around before putting their bags down. Maggie: I'm so exhausted, I don't even care. They smile and sit down on a bed. Glenn: Let me see you. Glenn looks at Maggie's arms, and at her back and touches them softly. Maggie: What you doing? Glenn: Checking for scratches. Lori and Carol's cell Carol and Lori enter a cell upstairs, and put their bags on the floor Upstairs in the cell block Daryl lies down on the floor next to the stairs. Downstairs in the cell block Rick looks at the place and stretches. Maggie and Glenn's cell Glenn is still checking Maggie's back for scratches. She's smiling. Glenn: You're okay. He kisses gently her shoulder and her neck, she smiles and they hold each other. Lori and Carol's cell They look at the cell, at each other, and Carol laughs. Downstairs in the cell block Rick sits down on the floor and rests. Abandoned little town filled with walkers Michonne looks around, then enters a place called the Deer Cooler. Inside the Deer Cooler Two walkers without arms are chained up to a table, Michonne opens another door. She's about to take her sword when she sees Andrea lying on the floor. Michonne: What you doing out here? Andrea: I needed some light. Michonne helps Andrea to sit, an gives her meds and water. Michonne: Take this. Andrea: How is it out there? Michonne: Same. It's quiet. Andrea: You're lying. Michonne: We should go in a few days. Michonne looks worried. Andrea: They're coming, you should go. Michonne: No. Andrea: I'll hold you back! Go! I can take care of myself! I saved your ass all winter didn't I? Andrea coughs, and refuses the water that Michonne is offering. Andrea: I won't have you dying for me! Good soldier won't leave your post. Screw you. Michonne: We'll go in a few days. Andrea: If we stay, I'll die here. Outside the Deer Cooler Michonne, holding the two chained up walkers, opens the door and goes outside, followed by Andrea. Cell block Daryl, T-Dog, Hershel and Rick put on a table all the useful things they found. Daryl: Not bad. Rick: Flashbangs, CS Triple-Chasers. Not sure how they'd work on walkers, but we'll take them. Daryl picks up a helmet, there's walker's skin in it. Daryl: I ain't wearing this sh1t. T-Dog picks up gloves in the same condition. T-Dog: We could boil them. Daryl: Ain't enough firewood in a whole forest, no! Besides, we've made it this far without them right? Carol arrives. Carol: Hershel? Rick: Everything alright? Carol: Yeah, nothing to worry about. Hershel follows Carol into her cell. Lori and Carol's cell Lori: It's the baby, I think I lost it. Hershel: You haven't felt it move? Lori: Nothing. And no Braxton-Hicks. At first, I thought it was exhaustion and malnutrition. Hershel: You're anemic? Lori nods. Lori: If we're all infected, then so is the baby. So what if it's stillborn? What if it's dead inside me right now, what if it rips me apart? Hershel: Stop. Don't let your fear take control of you. Lori: Okay. Let's say it lives, and I die during childbirth. Hershel: That's not going to happen. Lori: Why not? How many women died in childbirth before modern medicine? If I come back, what if I attack it? Or you, Rick, Carl... If I do, if there is any chance, you put me down immediately, you don't hesitate! (she starts crying) Me, the baby, if we're walkers, you don't hesitate, and you don't try to save us! Okay?(Hershel nods, Lori cries.) It might have been better if... Hershel: If what? Lori: If I'd never made it off the farm. Hershel: You're exhausted, frightened. Lori: Yeah, that's true. My son can't stand me. And my husband, after what I put him through. Hershel: We've all been carrying that weight. All winter. Lori: I tried to talk to him. He... Hershel: He'll come around. Lori: He hates me. He's too good a man to say it, but... I know. I put him and Shane at odds, I put that knife in his hands! Hershel: You know who doesn't give a sh1t about that? This baby. Now let's make sure everything's alright. Cell block T-Dog, Daryl, Carl, Rick, Hershel, Glenn and Maggie are preparing and arming themselves. Lori watches them. Carl tries a helmet on, but Rick takes it off. Rick: You won't need that, I need you to stay put. Carl: You're kidding! Rick: We don't know what's in there. If something goes wrong, you could be the last man standing. I need you to handle things here. Carl: Sure. Rick: Great, let's go. They leave, Carl shuts the door. Corridors in the prison The group advances very carefully in the corridors, there are dead bodies on the floor. Glenn traces arrows so they can find their way back. Maggie jumps with fright when she runs into Glenn by accident. Suddenly, they see a lot of walkers as they turn. They all go back running, followed by the walkers. Rick: Go back, go back! Go back, move! This way! Glenn: Come on, come on! Daryl: Come on, this way! Maggie and Glenn are ambushed, as walkers have arrived just in front of them, they can't go either way. Glenn: Come on, in here! They go in a room to escape the walkers, who can't open the door. The others are trying to find a way to get out. Rick: Where's Glenn and Maggie? Hershel: We have to go back! Daryl: But which way? They open a door nearby very carefully and start searching for Glenn and Maggie. Hershel: Maggie? Glenn? Glenn and Maggie get out of the room when the walker are gone. Glenn: Rick? Maggie: Dad? Dad? Hershel: Mag? Mag? Hershel walks, and there is a walker sitting on the floor, it seems dead. But Hershel walks near it, and the walker grabs his leg and bites him. Hershel screams, Rick arrives and shoots the walker. Maggie and Glenn arrive. Maggie: No! No, daddy! No! The walkers, attracted by the noise, start coming, on both sides. Rick and Glenn take Hershel and start running while supporting Hershel. Rick: Daryl! T-Dog: Run! Rick: We're blocked! T-Dog: Get back, get back! Hershel: God! Oh, god! Oh, god! Rick: Go, go! They see a door, and manage to open it. Room in the prison Daryl: Get in, get in! Hershel: Oh, god! Oh god! Rick and Glenn lie Hershel down on the floor. Rick: Shut the door! Daryl and T-Dog close the door with difficulty. As Hershel continues to scream, Rick tries to save him. He puts his belt on Hershel's leg to stop the bleeding, T-Dog tries to keep the door closed. Rick: Hold him down! Alright. Only one way to keep him alive! Rick takes an axe, and starts to cut off Hershel's leg, while Maggie and Glenn hold him down. Hershel passes out from the pain. Rick is disgusted by the sight of the leg, but he continues. And he manages to cut off Hershel's leg. Rick: Oh... He's bleeding out. Suddenly, Daryl sees four men stand up behind the wall. Daryl: Duck. Rick ducks; Daryl stands up and point his flashlight and his crossbow at the men. They're prisoners. Axel: Holy sh1t.

Plan: A: Eight months; Q: How long after leaving Hershel's farm did Rick's group find the prison? A: Hershel's farmstead; Q: What was the name of the farm that Rick's group abandoned? A: her pregnancy; Q: What is Lori at the end of? A: Rick; Q: Who leads the group into the prison? A: walkers; Q: What is the name of the zombies in the show? A: the cells; Q: What are they clearing out? A: the foot; Q: What part of Hershel's body was bitten by a walker? A: five surviving prisoners; Q: How many surviving prisoners are found in the prison? A: Michonne; Q: Who watches over Andrea? A: an ailing Andrea; Q: Who does Michonne watch over? Summary: Eight months after abandoning Hershel's farmstead, and Lori at the end of her pregnancy, Rick leads the group into securing a prison presently overrun with walkers. While clearing out the cells, Hershel is bitten on the foot by a walker, and they are forced to amputate it to save his life, discovering that five surviving prisoners are present. Meanwhile, Michonne watches over an ailing Andrea .

Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane. Transcribed by guineapig. SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK. (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND ROSS) MONICA: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! JOEY: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! CHANDLER: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? PHOEBE: Wait, does he eat chalk? (THE OTHERS STARE, BEMUSED) PHOEBE: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! MONICA: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having s*x. CHANDLER: Sounds like a date to me. (CUT TO SAME SET) CHANDLER: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked. ALL: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. CHANDLER: Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there. JOEY: Instead of...? CHANDLER: That's right. JOEY: Never had that dream. PHOEBE: No. CHANDLER: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very weird, because- she never calls me! (CUT TO SAME SET. ROSS HAS NOW ENTERED) ROSS: (MORTIFIED) Hi. JOEY: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. MONICA: Are you okay, sweetie? ROSS: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck... CHANDLER: Cookie? MONICA: (EXPLAINING TO THE OTHERS) Carol moved her stuff out today. (TO ROSS) Let me get you some coffee. PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! (STARTS TO PLUCK AT THE AIR JUST IN FRONT OF ROSS) ROSS: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. MONICA: No you don't. ROSS: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! JOEY: And you never knew she was a lesbian... ROSS: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? CHANDLER: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (THE OTHERS STARE AT HIM) Did I say that out loud? JOEY: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (ROSS GESTURES HIS CONSENT) JOEY: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! ROSS: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (ENTER RACHEL IN A WET WEDDING DRESS. SHE STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND THE ROOM) CHANDLER: And I just want a million dollars! (EXTENDS HIS HAND HOPEFULLY) MONICA: Rachel?! RACHEL: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! WAITRESS: Can I get you some coffee? MONICA: (POINTING AT RACHEL) De-caff. (TO THE GANG) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (TO RACHEL) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? RACHEL: Hi, sure! ROSS: Hi. (THEY GO TO HUG BUT ROSS' UMBRELLA OPENS. HE SITS, DEFEATED AGAIN) (A MOMENT OF SILENCE AS RACHEL SITS; THE OTHERS EXPECT HER TO EXPLAIN) MONICA: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? RACHEL: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (TO WAITRESS, WHO HAS BROUGHT HER COFFEE)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realised that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, he always looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (TO MONICA) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. MONICA: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. RACHEL: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... SCENE 2: MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT AND WATCHING A SPANISH SOAP ON TV) MONICA: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. RACHEL: (ON PHONE) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! CHANDLER: (RE TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. JOEY: I say push her down the stairs. PHOEBE+ROSS+CHANDLER+JOEY: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (SHE IS PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. THEY CHEER) RACHEL: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! ROSS: You can see where he'd have trouble. RACHEL: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. MONICA: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... RACHEL: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! (CUT TO SAME SET. RACHEL IS BREATHING INTO A PAPER BAG) MONICA: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... PHOEBE: (SINGS) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (RACHEL AND MONICA TURN TO LOOK AT HER)..bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la... RACHEL: I'm all better now. PHOEBE: (GRINS AND WALKS TO KITCHEN. TO CHANDLER AND JOEY) I helped! MONICA: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. JOEY: (SITTING BESIDE HER) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. MONICA: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! JOEY: What, like there's a rule or something? (THE DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. CHANDLER GETS IT) CHANDLER: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. PAUL: (OVER INTERCOM) It's, uh, it's Paul. MONICA: Buzz him in! JOEY: Who's Paul? ROSS: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? MONICA: Maybe. JOEY: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? ROSS: He finally asked you out? MONICA: Yes! CHANDLER: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. MONICA: Rach, wait, I can cancel... RACHEL: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! MONICA: (TO ROSS) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? ROSS: (CHOKED VOICE) That'd be good... MONICA: (HORRIFIED) Really? ROSS: (NORMAL VOICE) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MONICA GETS IT; IT'S PAUL) MONICA: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (THEY ARE ALL LINED UP NEXT TO THE DOOR)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. ALL: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! CHANDLER: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? MONICA: (SHOWS PAUL IN) Two seconds. PHOEBE: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. ROSS: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight? RACHEL: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! ROSS: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (THINKS) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Yes, and we're very excited about it. RACHEL: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.. ROSS: Okay, sure. JOEY: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? PHOEBE: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. (AD BREAK) SCENE 3: ROSS' APARTMENT (THE GUYS ARE ASSEMBLING FURNITURE) ROSS: (SQUATTING AND READING INSTRUCTIONS) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little whim guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs. (CHANDLER AND JOEY HAVE APPARENTLY FINISHED A BOOKCASE, BUT THERE IS A BIT LEFT OVER) JOEY: What's this? CHANDLER: I have no idea. (JOEY CHECKS ROSS IS NOT LOOKING AND DUMPS IN IN A PLANT POT) JOEY: Done with the bookcase! CHANDLER: All finished! ROSS: (CLUTCHING A BEER CAN AND SNIFFING) This was Carol's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known. JOEY: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get? ROSS: You guys. CHANDLER: Oh, man. JOEY: You got screwed. (CUT TO MONICA AND PAUL EATING IN A RESTAURANT) MONICA: Oh my God! PAUL: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get? MONICA: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? PAUL: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her- MONICA: -leg? PAUL: (LAUGHING) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch. MONICA: You actually broke her watch? (CUT TO RACHEL IN MONICA'S APARTMENT, TALKING ON THE PHONE AND PACING) RACHEL: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (STOPS TALKING; DIALS A NUMBER ON THE PHONE) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway... (CUT TO ROSS' APARTMENT) ROSS: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her... JOEY: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon! ROSS: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. CHANDLER: Stay out of my freezer! (CUT TO THE RESTAURANT) PAUL: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh... MONICA: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles? PAUL: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation. MONICA: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? PAUL: Isn't there? MONICA: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say? PAUL: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (MONICA TAKES A SIP OF HER DRINK) ...Sexually. MONICA: (SPITS OUT HER DRINK IN SHOCK) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... PAUL: It's okay... MONICA: Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long? PAUL: Two years. MONICA: Wow! I'm glad you smashed her watch! PAUL: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date? MONICA: (PAUSE)...Yeah. Yeah, I do. (CUT TO RACHEL WATCHING 'JOANIE LOVES CHACHI') TV: 'I, Joanie, take you, Charles, to be my lawful husband.' 'Do you take...' RACHEL: Oh...see... but Joanie loved Chachi! That's the difference! (CUT TO ROSS') ROSS: (SCORNFUL) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW) (CUT TO RACHEL STARING OUT OF HER WINDOW) SCENE 4: MONICA + RACHEL'S APARTMENT. RACHEL IS MAKING COFFEE FOR JOEY AND CHANDLER) RACHEL: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. CHANDLER: That is amazing. JOEY: Congratulations. And while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelette or something... (JOEY AND CHANDLER TASTE THE COFFEE, GRIMACE, AND POUR IT INTO A PLANT POT) Although actually I'm really not that hungry... (ENTER MONICA FROM HER ROOM) ALL: Morning. Good morning. (ENTER PAUL FROM MONICA'S ROOM) PAUL: Morning. JOEY: Morning, Paul. RACHEL: Hello, Paul. CHANDLER: Hi, Paul, is it? (MONICA AND PAUL WALK TO THE DOOR AND TALK IN A LOW VOICE SO THE OTHERS CAN'T HEAR. THE OTHERS SHUNT MONICA'S TABLE CLOSER TO TO THE DOOR SO THEY CAN) MONICA: I had a really great time last night. PAUL: Thank you. Thank you so much. MONICA: We'll talk later. PAUL: Yeah. (THEY KISS) Thank you. (EXIT PAUL) JOEY: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date? MONICA: Shut up, and put my table back. ALL: Okayyy! (THEY DO) CHANDLER: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference... RACHEL: So, like, you guys all have jobs? MONICA: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff. JOEY: Yeah, I'm an actor. RACHEL: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? JOEY: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. MONICA: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio. CHANDLER: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' JOEY: I will not take this abuse. (WALKS TO DOOR AND OPENS IT TO LEAVE) CHANDLER: You're right, I'm sorry. (BURSTS INTO SONG AND DANCES OUT OF THE DOOR) 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..' (EXIT JOEY AND CHANDLER) [SCENE_BREAK] MONICA: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. RACHEL: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. MONICA: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco? RACHEL: Oh, yeah. MONICA: Well, it's like that. With feelings. RACHEL: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. MONICA: Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work. RACHEL: Oh, look, wish me luck! MONICA: What for? RACHEL: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. (EXIT MONICA) SCENE 5: IRIDIUM (JUST MONICA, WORKING) (ENTER FRANNIE) FRANNIE: Hey, Monica! MONICA: Hey, welcome back! How was Florida? FRANNIE: You had s*x, didn't you? MONICA: How do you do that? FRANNIE: So? Who? MONICA: You know Paul? FRANNIE: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. MONICA: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? FRANNIE: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. (CUT TO THE GANG MINUS RACHEL AT CENTRAL PERK) JOEY: (PERCHED ON THE SIDE OF THE SOFA)Of course it was a line! MONICA: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that? ROSS: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'. MONICA: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? PHOEBE: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (SHE MASSAGES THEM) MONICA: I just thought he was nice, y'know? JOEY: (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AGAIN) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line! (MONICA PUSHES HIM OFF THE SOFA. ENTER RACHEL WITH SHOPPING) RACHEL: Guess what? ROSS: You got a job? RACHEL: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today. CHANDLER: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. RACHEL: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off! CHANDLER: Oh, how well you know me... RACHEL: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots! MONICA: How'd you pay for them? RACHEL: Uh, credit card. MONICA: And who pays for that? RACHEL: Um... my... father. (CUT TO THE GANG AT MONICA + RACHEL'S, SITTING ROUND A TABLE. ON THE TABLE ARE RACHEL'S CREDIT CARDS AND A PAIR OF SCISSORS) MONICA: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life. RACHEL: I know that. That's why I was getting married. PHOEBE: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time. RACHEL: Thank you. PHOEBE: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windows outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel. (A PAUSE) ROSS: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'... MONICA: You ready? RACHEL: I don't think so. ROSS: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... ALL: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (SHE CUTS THEM ALL UP. THEY CHEER) MONICA: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it! (CUT TO SAME SET. MONICA, RACHEL AND ROSS HAVE JUST FINISHED WATCHING A FILM) MONICA: Well, that's it. RACHEL: (TO ROSS) You gonna crash on the couch? ROSS: No. No, I gotta go home sometime. MONICA: You be okay? ROSS: Yeah. RACHEL: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (MON SMILES) What? MONICA: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody. (STOMPS ON PAUL'S WATCH AND GOES TO HER ROOM) ROSS: Mmm. (THEY BOTH REACH FOR THE LAST COOKIE) Oh, no- RACHEL: Sorry- ROSS: No no no, go- RACHEL: No, you have it, really, I don't want it- ROSS: Split it? RACHEL: Okay. ROSS: Okay. (THEY SPLIT IT) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. RACHEL: I knew. ROSS: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. RACHEL: I did. ROSS: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? RACHEL: Yeah, maybe... ROSS: Okay... okay, maybe I will... RACHEL: Goodnight. ROSS: Goodnight. (EXIT RACHEL TO HER BEDROOM. ENTER MONICA IN DRESSING GOWN, AS ROSS IS LEAVING) MONICA: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you? ROSS: I just grabbed a spoon. (EXIT ROSS) (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: CENTRAL PERK JOEY: I can't believe what I'm hearing here. PHOEBE: (SINGS) I can't believe what I'm hearing here... MONICA: What? I-I said you had a- PHOEBE: (SINGS) What I said... MONICA: (TO PHOEBE) Would you stop? PHOEBE: Oh, was I doing it again? RACHEL: (WALKS UP WITH A POT OF COFFEE) Would anybody like more coffee? CHANDLER: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? RACHEL: I'm just serving it. ALL: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee. CHANDLER: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minelli-

Plan: A: the altar; Q: Where did Rachel leave Barry? A: Rachel; Q: Who is offered a waitress job at Central Perk coffee shop? A: Monica's New York apartment; Q: Where does Rachel move after leaving her fiancé? A: New York; Q: Where does Monica live? A: Ross; Q: Who has had a crush on Rachel since high school? A: another woman; Q: Who did Ross's wife leave him for? A: a chef; Q: What is Monica's profession? A: their night; Q: Monica falls for "Paul the Wine Guy" only to be crushed that _______ of passion was merely a one-night stand. Summary: After leaving her fiancé, Barry, at the altar. Rachel moves into Monica's New York apartment. Chandler and Joey, who live across the hall from Monica, console Ross after his wife Carol, has just left him for another woman. Monica, a chef, falls for "Paul the Wine Guy" only to be crushed that their night of passion was merely a one-night stand. The gang urge Rachel to be more independent by cutting up her father's credit cards. Rachel, who has never worked before, is offered a waitress job at Central Perk coffee shop. Ross, who has had a crush on Rachel since high school, asks if he can ask her out sometime.

The Tomb of the Cybermen By Kit Pedler and Gerry Davis 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: THE PLAINS OF SKARO (MODEL SHOT) (The TARDIS stands against the plains of Skaro. Light plays across the surface of the ship and a howling wind rages.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (The Doctor and Victoria walk through the outer doors of the TARDIS into the Console Room.) DOCTOR: There we are! Well, what do you think? VICTORIA: I don't know. I can't believe it. It's so big! Where are we? DOCTOR: Oh it's the TARDIS. It's my home, or at least it has been for a considerable number of years. VICTORIA: What are all these knobs? DOCTOR: What these? (The Doctor flicks a series of levers.) JAMIE: Instruments. These are for controlling our flight. VICTORIA: Flight?! JAMIE: Well yes, you see we travel around in here through time and space. (Victoria laughs at this.) DOCTOR: Oh no-no no-no, don't laugh - it's true. Your father and Maxtible were working on the same problem, but I have perfected a... Ah, rather special model, which enables me to travel through the universe of time. VICTORIA: But how can you? I mean if what you say is true then you must be, er well... How old? DOCTOR: Well if we count in Earth terms I suppose I must be about four hundred... Yes, about four hundred and fifty years old. (He sees Victoria and Jamie exchange worried glances.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, quite. Now, I think Victoria might find that dress a little impractical if she's going to join us in our adventures, Jamie show her where she can find some new ones, eh? JAMIE: Ah, right. This way Victoria... (Jamie leads Victoria off, but returns to the console room for a moment.) JAMIE: Try to give us a smooth take off, Doctor? We don't want to frighten her. (Jamie leaves.) DOCTOR: A smooth take off...? A smooth take off!? What a nerve! (The Doctor operates the console, and the noise of dematerialisation echoes through the Console Room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, THE PLAINS OF TELOS (MODEL SHOT) (A futuristic looking rocketship sits, down on the plains.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, EXT: PLAINS OF TELOS (The planet of Telos comprises of barren and lifeless rocky wastes as far as the eye can see. High above, the large figure of Toberman can be seen standing right on the edge of a perilously steep cliff face. He strides up and down it as if he were patrolling a battlement. A voice calls up to him from the plains, but he pretends not to hear.) PARRY: (OOV.) HEY TOBERMAN! GET THAT BIG-HEAD DOWN! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, HAVE YOU GONE MAD?! (Down on the ground a nervous looking man fusses.) VINER: The fool! Doesn't he realise the danger he's in? (Kaftan laughs.) VINER: It's nothing to laugh at! None of us knows what's going to happen when we press that thing, especially in this... rarified atmosphere. PARRY: All right Viner, no need to get excited. Can't you keep your servant under control? KAFTAN: If I wish, I can. HOPPER: HURRY IT UP WILL YOU, ROGERS! I don't know what you think you're going to find anyway. PARRY: According to the map reference, oh... That should be the entrance to the City of Telos. HOPPER: Oh I hope you're right 'cause I want to get out of here. KLIEG: Let me remind you Mr Hopper that you are being more than well paid for your part in this expedition. HOPPER: Oh big deal. ROGERS: Sorry we had to make it a pretty big one. (The team moves back to a safe distance.) PARRY: Alright let's get on with it, we've wasted enough time. Standby... Everybody down! (The archaeologists duck down, as Mr Haydon twists a dial on a remote unit, then pushes a button. A colossal explosion rips though a nearby rock face. The team rushes to investigate, only to find nothing.) PARRY: Oh! HOPPER: Well there you go! You blast yourself one lump of rock and all you've got is another one. (Professor Parry turns away in disgust, and Rogers looks again at the rock face.) ROGERS: No, wait a minute, look! (They all look up and see quite clearly the corner of a pair of metal doors protruding from the rock face.) HOPPER: Man you just blew yourself a pair of doors! (Some of the members of the team in the background shout "hooray!".) PARRY: Well come on, what are we waiting for? (The team slowly climbs the steep path to where the doors are higher up the rock face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, EXT: ENTRANCE TO TOMB (The doors to the tomb are large, metal and entirely functional looking, to the left and right are what appear to be pictograms depicting some kind of figures.) KAFTAN: Fifty pounds for the first man to open the doors! PARRY: Miss Kaftan I must remind you that I am the leader of this... (A young member of the expedition rushes forward to the doors and grips a handle in each hand, there is a crackle of energy, and the man falls back from the door and slumps to the ground smoking like an overcooked turkey. The doors crackle and partially melt around the area he touched them. They rush over to the man, but there is little they can do for him.) PARRY: What happened? KLIEG: I don't know. HOPPER: Well one thing for sure, he's not going to collect fifty pounds from you or anybody else. VINER: Quiet, quiet a minute. PARRY: What is it? VINER: It sounded like an engine. Something came down over there behind that rock! HOPPER: OK Viner slow down, I'll take care of this. Jim behind that rock. CALLUM: OK, I've got it. (A little way off the Doctor and co. are rounding a rock.) DOCTOR: ...Over the top. All right? (Captain Hopper and Callum jump out. Hopper levels his gun at the Doctor.) HOPPER: Hold it right there friend! (The Doctor raises his hands.) DOCTOR: Well, if you put it like that, I certainly will! CALLUM: Did you hear that professor? English! PARRY: Yes. All right Hopper. (Hopper lowers his weapon, and the Doctor returns his hands to his sides.) DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. PARRY: OK, who are you and where have you come from? HOPPER: And you'd better have a good story! JAMIE: Aye, maybe you'll not get one! HOPPER: Listen fella, we're not playing games! ROGERS: You'd better listen to him! (The Doctor notices the damage to the doors and the dead man.) DOCTOR: Now what's been happening over here? (The Doctor moves closer to the body to investigate.) KLIEG: He was killed the moment you made your appearance! DOCTOR: Ah, and you think we did it. Oh no! I can assure you that we had nothing to do with the death of this man! (He examines the body.) DOCTOR: He appears to have been electrocuted. Trying to open these doors perhaps? ROGERS: He seems to know all the answers. HOPPER: Wise guy. VINER: I think this fellow must be the member of a rival expedition. DOCTOR: Expedition? PARRY: We've tried to keep it a secret, unsuccessfully now it appears. VINER: Look at him! Archaeologist written all over him! DOCTOR: Really does it show? VINER: There, you see? It's impossible to keep a secret in the scientific world! VICTORIA: Doctor, what do you mean? JAMIE: Tell them Doctor, go on, tell them. DOCTOR: No. Not until they tell me what the purpose of their expedition! PARRY: This is an archaeological expedition. We are searching the universe for the last remains of the Cybermen! (The Doctor and Jamie stiffen at the mention of their old enemies.) JAMIE: Cybermen! You mean to say, they came from here? PARRY: But of course, Telos was their home. This is the entrance to their city. VINER: We know they died out many centuries ago, what we don't know is why they died out. HOPPER: Callum, Rogers, get him back to the rocket, I'll be with you in a minute. Well that's that. Are you coming back to the rocket with me Professor? PARRY: What for? HOPPER: You're not going on with this are you? Look I don't know if these people have anything to do with it or not, but one of my men has just been killed! You're not paying that kind of money! PARRY: Yes, I suppose that's quite true. HOPPER: Come on let's go. We'll wait for you back at the ship. DOCTOR: The problem I take it, is to open these doors, right? KLIEG: Hah, brilliant! PARRY: That is the problem. KLIEG: And we would prefer it if you returned to wherever you came from! JAMIE: Oh not very friendly are they Doctor? VICTORIA: Oh yes, do as he says! DOCTOR: I'm afraid that that became impossible the moment that name was mentioned. VICTORIA: What name? DOCTOR: Cybermen! VICTORIA: Cybermen? What are they? (A little way off out of earshot Viner and Parry are standing near the path they climbed to reach the doors.) VINER: I knew they were here on the same quest! PARRY: No one would come here for any other reason! (Back by the doors the TARDIS crew are all alone.) DOCTOR: We must stay! JAMIE: Oh Doctor! VICTORIA: Oh must we? I don't like the look of those things at all! DOCTOR: We shall stay and help you with your search. KLIEG: Perhaps we don't want your help. DOCTOR: That's just it, you so obviously do, now I'm sure we can agree. I can open those doors for you. KLIEG: It is our problem, and I suggest you take this ridiculous expedition of yours off this planet! JAMIE: It seems to me that we've got as much right to be here as you have! PARRY: Of course you have! Mr Klieg, may a I remind you again that you do not speak for this expedition?! I am it's leader, you and Miss Kaftan are only here on sufferance! KLIEG: Oh thank you, and whose money is paying for the hire of that rocket?! KAFTAN: Mine! PARRY: I thought I made it quite clear that your financial support did not entitle you to a say in the running of this expedition! KAFTAN: Of course it was quite clear, was it not Eric?! KLIEG: Of course. No-one questions your leadership. DOCTOR: Ah, good, that's all settled. And now we shall open these doors! JAMIE: What? PARRY: Now careful man! HAYDON: Hey look out! VICTORIA: Doctor! (Very carefully the Doctor approaches the doors and gingerly touches them with his magnetic voltometer, and reads the dial.) DOCTOR: It's perfectly safe now. HAYDON: You'll be killed! PARRY: No don't touch it! (The Doctor grips the door with both hands and tugs, but to no avail.) DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's beyond my strength. JAMIE: Let me Doctor! DOCTOR: Jamie... (Jamie tugs at the doors, but he can't manage to shift them either.) JAMIE: Aye, well I've not had much exercise lately. (The Doctor approaches Toberman.) DOCTOR: Quite. I think here is a gentleman who can open these doors for us. KAFTAN: He is my servant! I will not have him risk his life! PARRY: Surely it was for just such a contingency as this that you insisted we bring him with us? DOCTOR: Oh, there's no danger now, unless of course he's afraid. (Toberman advances towards the doors via the exact spot that the Doctor is standing upon.) DOCTOR: Oh, no-no, he's not afraid... (The Doctor backs away and Toberman grips the right hand door first, then the left and opens them. They all peer through the doors.) DOCTOR: No WAIT! Wait! I would be very careful in there if I were you! HAYDON: But why wasn't Toberman killed, why weren't you killed? DOCTOR: The poor fellow who died drained all there electricity out of his body, it's perfectly safe to go in there now. KLIEG: Come on then, we're wasting time! ...Of course, after you Professor! DOCTOR: But I'd still... I'd still be very careful if I were you, very careful indeed! Come on let's go and join them. (The Doctor moves to follow, but notices Victoria is standing well back from the entrance.) DOCTOR: Come on Victoria! (She still doesn't move, so the Doctor approaches her.) DOCTOR: You look very nice in that dress Victoria. VICTORIA: Thank you. Don't you think it's a bit...? DOCTOR: A bit short? Oh I shouldn't worry about that, look at Jamie's. JAMIE: Hey I'll have you know... Oh, aye. DOCTOR: Come along, come along, lets go and see what the others are doing shall we? Come along. (The Doctor and Jamie each take one of Victoria's arms and they lead her into the tomb.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (The interior of the tomb is vast. To one side a giant control panel studded with switches and levers beneath a large dial with a complex series of symbols upon it's face. Either side are two internal doors and at the far side of the room there is a metal hatch in the floor, and a little further along, a table. Victoria walks in gazing around in astonishment.) VICTORIA: Mercy, just look at this place! (Viner and Haydon are examining the levers on the control panel.) VINER: These controls are of their earlier dynasty. HAYDON: Not so very early as all that by the look of it. Look John! VINER: Yes, I'm quite capable of making my own deductions thank you! HAYDON: All right! (By the hatchway Klieg and Kaftan are standing. Kaftan makes an examination of the formidable looking hatch.) KLIEG: Be careful, there might be danger in there! KAFTAN: Don't worry, with Toberman to guard me... What is more important is to keep an eye on these strangers. KLIEG: Well I'm TRYING to... KAFTAN: Do not raise your voice! You will achieve nothing by shouting! You will look after the Doctor and I will watch the girl. KLIEG: And the Scots boy? KAFTAN: Leave him to Toberman, eh Toberman?! (Toberman laughs and mimes crushing something in his great hands.) KAFTAN: But you will be careful and discreet, you understand Toberman? TOBERMAN: I understand. (Back at the main panel.) JAMIE: Have you ever seen the like of it Doctor? DOCTOR: Not exactly Jamie, but very nearly. (Parry speaks from the hatchway he has been examining and take control like a professional orator. Everyone moves to eagerly listen to what he has to say.) PARRY: Now that we're all here... now that we're all here, I think we'd better take stock of the situation. This appears to be a dead end, the only way out appears to be through that hatch. KAFTAN: Are there no doors? PARRY: No, apart from the entrance. DOCTOR: And the other two, of course. VINER: Two other doors? DOCTOR: Oh yes, one in that section, and one in that section over there. Activated, I imagine, by this simple logical system over here. Um, here we are, I think... (He pulls a few levers and the right door slides into the ceiling with an electronic hum.) DOCTOR: Ah splendid, splendid! A simple logical gate. (He pulls another few and the left door raises similarly.) KLIEG: Doctor, you seem to be very familiar with this place. DOCTOR: Oh no, not really, it's all based upon symbolic logic of the same as you use in computers. The opening mechanism for this door... An OR gate I think you call it. KLIEG: Yes, yes, I see that, but how did you know in the first place? DOCTOR: Oh I used my own special technique. KLIEG: Really Doctor, and may we know what that is? DOCTOR: Keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut. (The momentary silence in which Klieg's sardonic grin freezes, punctured by someone laughing in the background.) PARRY: We're far too many to explore together, I think we'd better divide up. If you, Mr Viner would take... (He motions the right-hand door.) PARRY: ...that door with Jamie and Mr Haydon. Mr Klieg, the Doctor and myself will make up the other party. VICTORIA: Well what about us? PARRY: I think the women had better remain here. VICTORIA: Oh rubbish! We can make a party! KAFTAN: Certainly, with Toberman to guard us we need fear no-one. PARRY: Right, er, Mr Klieg, will you take them along with you? KLIEG: I prefer to stay here. PARRY: As you wish. Er, Mr Viner will you go along with the women? VINER: If you like... PARRY: But get back to the spacecraft by 16:30. You all know the temperature drop at night, so we'll meet back here at 16:25. If anyone is missing that'll give us an hour to look for them before we have to leave. VINER: Come on then, we might as well try that opening over there. (Viner rushes over to the left door eager to see where it leads. Kaftan grabs Victoria's hand, and attempts to roughly lead her in the same direction.) KAFTAN: We'd better keep close together. (Victoria snatches her hand back.) VICTORIA: Erm, I'm all right thank you. (They follow Viner through the door.) HAYDON: Come on Jamie. JAMIE: Right. (Haydon and Jamie take the right door. Parry examines the hatch curiously.) PARRY: Now to concentrate on this, whatever it is. This hatch must lead somewhere and there must be some opening mechanism. (He turns to the Doctor.) PARRY: Erm, what was that about symbolic logic, any ideas? DOCTOR: No, not really. I think it's about time we gave Mr Klieg a chance to show off his archaeological skills. (He chuckles to himself.) DOCTOR: I love to see the experts at work, don't you? [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: POWER ROOM (This is a room filled with electronic apparatus. To the right is a control panel, and on the centre is a huge projector aimed at a huge humanoid shaped coffin made of thick metal. Viner enters and ushers the others in.) VINER: Come on, right in. Where's Toberman? KAFTAN: I sent him to join the others, we do not need any other protection now that you are with us. (Viner looks decidedly bored at this.) VINER: Yes, well... Shall we commence? Everything must be carefully measured and recorded. (He moves to a panel and begins to examine it.) VICTORIA: What is this room? VINER: I don't know... Possibly this is where the Cybermen are made... VICTORIA: I wonder what this is... (Viner moves around to examine the projector, and almost trips over Victoria.) VINER: Ah, do you mind, you're getting in my way, er, just go over there will you? VICTORIA: Oh fiddle! KAFTAN: Could this not be the purpose of the room? VINER: Yes? KAFTAN: The Cyberman would stand in that form and be, well, revitalised? VINER: Yes, I suppose that's reasonable. These projectors were probably designed to fire in some kind of neuro-electric potential. Yes, that's it, I think that you're right! VICTORIA: Revitalising is just what I need! (She tries to climb up into the coffin, but falls back out again.) VICTORIA: Ooh, mercy, the Cybermen must have been giants! VINER: Will you please be careful! The first rule of archaeological work is that nothing must be touched until everything has been described and recorded! [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: WEAPONS ROOM (Jamie and Haydon enter the room and look around.) JAMIE: Hey, you know it's just struck me, all the corridors in here are as light as day, yet there are no windows! HAYDON: Alpha mason phosphor. JAMIE: Eh? HAYDON: It's a lighting system that never goes out, works by letting cosmic rays bombard a layer of barium... JAMIE: Oh aye. That, eh... HAYDON: Point is, what was this room used for? (Jamie stoops to pick something up from the floor.) JAMIE: Well possibly for raising caterpillars. HAYDON: Eh? (Jamie shows Haydon.) JAMIE: Like this one. HAYDON: Hey, for heavens sake watch out until you know what it is! JAMIE: Och, it's as dead as a stone! [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER PARRY: Well? KLIEG: Well, the basis of this code is binary to digital conversion with a intervening step involving a sort of Whitehead logic. Well, once this first series is complete, there is no more to be done! DOCTOR: Yes, but why do it at all? PARRY: Really Doctor, for an archaeologist you seem to be curiously lacking in curiosity! DOCTOR: Some things are better left undone, and I have a feeling that this is one of them! KLIEG: What do you mean by that? DOCTOR: Well it's all too easy isn't it? KLIEG: Easy?! PARRY: I wouldn't call this an easy survey, would you Klieg? KLIEG: Everything here is designed to keep their secrets, whatever they are, insoluble! DOCTOR: Insoluble? KLIEG: But take this... DOCTOR: Oh I wouldn't say that... KLIEG: But take this mathematical sequence for example. I'm really no nearer to it's solution, I've tried every possible combination, now you'd hardly call that easy! (The Doctor reads casually.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, what you've done here is mostly right. KLIEG: Oh thank you! DOCTOR: You see if you take any progressive series it can be converted into binary notation. Now if you take the sum of the integrants, and express them as a power series, the intercese show the basic binary blocks! Only I wouldn't do it if I were you... (Klieg looks astonished as if it was so simple he should have thought of it first.) DOCTOR: Oh no, I really wouldn't do it! KLIEG: Of course, you're right! (He moves to the panel, and begins to pull levers. There is the sound of the entire chamber gradually powering up and the huge dial begins to glow.) KLIEG: Look! Sum between limits of one and nine one integral into power series, yes! yes! Then you differentiate... (The chamber begins to shake as if a huge engine beneath them had awakened from a million year slumber.) DOCTOR: You fool! Why couldn't you leave it alone! PARRY: What's happening? DOCTOR: I dunno... Perhaps the Cybermen aren't quite as dormant as you imagine! We must find out what has happened to the others! [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: POWER ROOM (Victoria moves over to the machine again. She checks that Viner isn't watching, then climbs up into the metal coffin. Kaftan notices this, and pulls a lever on the panel. Victoria screams as the door to the coffin slams shut with her inside. Viner rushes to the panel.) VINER: Did you touch anything? KAFTAN: No! VINER: Well keep away from that board, here help me! (He rushes to the coffin and tries to pull it open with little success.) KAFTAN: One moment. VINER: Now! (He stands back and examines the coffin.) VINER: We need a crowbar to get this off! KAFTAN: It may be too late... [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: WEAPONS ROOM (Jamie looks at his new pet.) JAMIE: That's strange, I could swear that that thing moved. (He taps the caterpillar a few times, but it remains dormant.) HAYDON: You're seeing things old chap! Come and look at this, the whole control panel is active suddenly. I don't know which button to press first! JAMIE: Oh, I wouldn't touch it if I were you! HAYDON: I think I'll try this one. (Haydon pulls a lever.) HAYDON: Nothing! JAMIE: Hey wait a minute, what's happening, it's getting dark... HAYDON: (Opens his mouth to say "light switch!" when he notices a pattern on the wall.) Hey look at the far wall! (The patterns swirl around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: POWER ROOM VINER: It's no use, I daren't touch anything. If I operate the wrong sequence she'll die! I must find the logical order, if it's not too late! (He bangs on the door a few times, eventually hears a soft banging coming from within.) KAFTAN: She's still alive! VINER: Thank heavens! Look I'd better go and get the others, You stay her with her, but... KAFTAN: Yes, but hurry! VINER: I won't be long! (Kaftan knocks, and hears a reply again. She goes to the panel and pulls a lever, the probe facing the coffin begins to swing to and fro crackling with power... A figure steps out of the shadows, then moves behind Kaftan, grips her hand, and moves the lever back.) DOCTOR: I wouldn't touch the projector controls if I were you, someone might get hurt! VINER: There must be some way to release it Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes there is, now let me see... (He looks at the panel, deep in thought.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: WEAPONS ROOM (Jamie seems transfixed by the lights on the wall.) HAYDON: Jamie, Jamie don't watch it! JAMIE: I must, I must, I can't seem to take my eyes off it. (Slowly he walks towards the swirling wall like a zombie.) JAMIE: I don't want to take my eyes off it... I don't want to take my eyes off it... (Haydon grabs Jamie, and tries to pull him back, but he keeps walking towards the wall.) HAYDON: Stop Jamie! JAMIE: Yes, yes, I see it now! (Haydon moves to the panel, and pushes the lever back to it's original position.) HAYDON: Are you alright? (Jamie wakes up, and rubs his head.) JAMIE: Oh... where have I been? HAYDON: You've been under some form of hypnosis. JAMIE: That's ridiculous, what would the Cybermen want with a hypnotising machine?! HAYDON: Yes, you're right, it must be for something else! Wait a minute, know what it could be? JAMIE: What? HAYDON: Some kind of target! I remember reading about this somewhere, they used to have something like it on Earth, years ago. JAMIE: But how does it work, which bit do you aim at? HAYDON: There's a subliminal centre which you're trained to see... JAMIE: Oh aye... a what?! HAYDON: Come on, lets run the whole thing again and see what happens, but keep your eyes off the wall! Now you work the controls this time, and I'll watch. JAMIE: Right. HAYDON: OK press the buttons! (Haydon looks at the wall through gaps in his hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: POWER ROOM DOCTOR: Yes I think this is the sequence. Stand by to let her out will you. (He turns to Kaftan.) DOCTOR: And if you my dear would stand well clear, thank you! Right! (He pushes the lever and the door swings open revealing a frightened Victoria spluttering for air.) DOCTOR: Victoria, are you alright? (He hugs her.) DOCTOR: It's all right. VICTORIA: Oh! DOCTOR: Get your breath. Its alright. VICTORIA: Oh I... DOCTOR: It's alright now... VICTORIA: I-I I didn't like that very much Doctor! DOCTOR: No, I don't expect you did. You'll have to be a little more careful in future won't you? Now come along, we must go and see whether Jamie is, alright, come along.. [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER PARRY: There must be some way to get that hatch open! KLIEG: That must be the control to do it. PARRY: The tombs of the Cybermen must be below ground, together with all their records. If we can't get down there, all our work here, and the sacrifice of that unfortunate fellow's life will go in vain. (Klieg gazes into the distance thoughtfully.) KLIEG: A great deal more than that... PARRY: Pardon? (Klieg shakes himself from his reverie.) KLIEG: Of course, there's only one explanation! The Doctor! PARRY: Yes? KLIEG: He didn't give us the complete code! There must be a further sequence to operate that opening mechanism. PARRY: Alright! Lets try and find it out! KLIEG: Now what could it be? [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: WEAPONS ROOM (The Wall pulses with dancing triangular fractals, then fades to blank again.) HAYDON: Is that all? JAMIE: Aye. All except this big button here, what does that do? HAYDON: I'm not sure, but we'll soon find out. I'm going to trace the source of these shapes, there must be a projector somewhere. Look, when I give the word press the button. JAMIE: The big one? HAYDON: Yes, maybe it works in conjunction with the others. (He moves to the spot opposite the wall.) JAMIE: Right, ready when you are. HAYDON: OK, go ahead. (Jamie presses the button, and the lights dim and the wall begins to swirl with bright shapes again. The Doctor enters and sees Jamie with his hand on the panel.) DOCTOR: Oh Jamie, don't touch that control! JAMIE: Already have. What's the matter Doctor? DOCTOR: Well which one was it? JAMIE: Which one what? (Suddenly a panel opens somewhere in the wall, a gun slides out. In front of Haydon the form of a Cyberman appears, the blank mask of its face staring out at the people who have desecrated it's tomb. There is a crackle of energy and Haydon falls to the floor in a pall of oily smoke. Victoria screams.)

Plan: A: Telos; Q: Where do the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria arrive? A: an archaeological group; Q: Who is exploring the Tomb of the Cybermen? Summary: The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria arrive on Telos, where an archaeological group are exploring the Tomb of the Cybermen. But are the Cybermen as dormant as they believe?

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] NATHAN : I'm not here to talk about Jamie. DAN : I just always wondered if he knows who I am. NATHAN : He found a picture of you once. DAN : What'd you tell him? NATHAN : I told him you were dead. HALEY : It's Mia. She's the magic, Peyton, and I'm telling you, her spark is getting squashed by this ass of a singer. LINDSAY : Oh, this is for you. It's supposed to bring good luck. I know we just met, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here. PEYTON : Good to know. HALEY : Any student who walks out that door fails this quarter. Say goodbye to extracurricular activities. Say goodbye to sports, like basketball. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE, JAMIE'S ROOM Jamie's asleep, Dan comes into the room, Jamie wakes up DAN : Well, well. Hello, Jamie. How would you like to come live with grandpa? (Then Dan's face changes into a vampire) (Jamie wakes up for real) JAMIE : Mama! Daddy! Mama! (Haley and Nathan walk into the room) HALEY : Hey, baby. What's the matter? NATHAN : Did you have a bad dream, buddy? JAMIE : He tried to get me. HALEY : Who did? JAMIE : Grandpa Dan. He escaped. HALEY : From heaven? JAMIE : Prison. BOYS APARTMENT NATHAN : Did you tell Jamie my dad's in prison? SKILLS : Maybe. NATHAN : Why?! SKILLS : Because he's in prison. Why, what'd you tell him? NATHAN : We told him he was dead. SKILLS : Man, how am I supposed to know that? I mean, he be asking me stuff. NATHAN : You have to lie to him, man. He's having nightmares now. SKILLS : Look, you know, he be tricking me. He get all, like, cute. NATHAN : Yeah, I know. He does have that going for him. You said he asked you stuff. What else did you tell him? SKILLS : Not much. Just the truth. NATHAN : Like? SKILLS : Like "The Man" killed Tupac and Biggie, never date girls named Bevin, and Santa Claus is black. NATHAN : You say anything about the easter bunny? SKILLS : A bunny that lay eggs? You know how many questions he'd ask me about that? NATHAN : All right, just stay clear of the whole Dan thing until we figure out how we're gonna handle this, okay? SKILLS : Fine by me. I won't say a word. EXTERIOR PEYTON'S OLD HOUSE Peyton's watching her house and a girl comes out of the front door MOLLY : Can I help you? PEYTON : Is that your room? It used to be mine. MOLLY : Want to see it? PEYTON : You sure? I mean, I could be a psycho. You don't know. It happens. MOLLY : You're not a psycho. You're Peyton. Come on. INTERIOR PEYTON'S OLD ROOM PEYTON : Wow. It's different. MOLLY : Molly. PEYTON : Molly. Yeah. God! You know, when I lived here, the walls were red. MOLLY : A red bedroom? That's crazy. PEYTON : Oh, no. It was everything I wanted it to be. But I mean, this is nice, too. MOLLY : Thanks. PEYTON : Yeah MOLLY : So, you really loved him, huh? Lucas? PEYTON : Are you some kind of psychic? (Molly shows Peyton her closet door where we can see "PEYTON + LUCAS = TLA" MOLLY : Was it really true love always? RECORDING STUDIO Haley and Lindsay arrive at the studio. Victoria and Mia are already there. VICTORIA : One would think that since they charge by the hour for this little venture, you might be more punctual. HALEY : You're Brooke's mom, right? VICTORIA : Victoria. Also known as the money behind this, whatever this is. And you're the producer? HALEY : Yeah, I'm Haley. I'm sorry. It's nice to meet you. I'm a good friend of Brooke's. VICTORIA : Brooke has so many good friends since her success. Having said that... I'd like to have a listen to our investment. (Victoria seats in front of Mia) HALEY : Okay, I'll just give Peyton a call. VICTORIA : No, I really don't have time for that. And God knows what gutter Peyton Sawyer is lying in. So, if you don't mind... LINDSAY : You know what? I'm gonna wait in there. (Lindsay goes into the booth and Haley goes talk to Mia) HALEY : Yeah, that's fine. MIA : That person creeps me out. HALEY ( whispering): Listen, you're gonna do great. You're fine. We just want you to play her a few bars of "No Good," and we'll make her happy, okay? MIA : Right, like that old thing could ever be happy. HALEY (louder): So, obviously this is the acoustic version, but Mia really is great, and I think you're just gonna love her. So, if you want to come into the booth with me... VICTORIA : I'm comfortable here. Thank you. HALEY : Okay. HALEY (from the booth) : Okay, Mia! Whenever you're ready! The song is called "No good." (Lindsay and Haley are inside the booth) HALEY : She's really nervous. LINDSAY : Can you blame her? It's like she's playing a private concert for Satan's wife. (Mia starts her song and Victoria cut her after 10 seconds) VICTORIA : Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. HALEY : No, no, no, no, no! VICTORIA : The song's called "No Good"? Appropriate. Okay, so, this is a huge waste of money. I would say it was a waste of time, but you all failed so quickly, it really wasn't. So when you locate Peyton in that gutter, you let her know I'd like to speak with her before this catastrophe goes any further. (Victoria leaves the studio) RECORDING STUDIO Haley and Lindsay are still in the booth, Peyton walks in PEYTON : Hey. Okay, so, tell me again, what happened? She walked in... HALEY : Yeah, we walked in and Bitch-toria was there waiting. Next thing I know, she scares Mia half to death, then Mia's gone. PEYTON : Gone where? HALEY : I don't know. She just packed up her stuff, said she sucked a bunch of times, and then took off. LINDSAY : Can you blame her? She must have been humiliated. That was ugly. PEYTON (talking to Lindsay) : Can you just give us a few minutes? (Lindsay leaves the booth) PEYTON : What is Lindsey doing here? HALEY : She came with me. We're gonna have lunch. PEYTON : I don't want her here. You know how temperamental artists are, Haley. HALEY : So, apparently, are label owners. PEYTON : I don't want anyone in the studio. HALEY : Anyone or Lindsey? PEYTON : Anyone including Lindsey Look, I know everyone loves her. That's great. Fine. But right now Mia's gone, and she's in here running her mouth about how ugly everything is. HALEY : She didn't mean anything by it, Peyton. Don't get mad at Lindsey just because Mia's gone. PEYTON : I'm not mad at her. HALEY : You sound mad at her. PEYTON : I'm not... Maybe I just don't like her. HALEY : Well, you don't have to... (Haley stops, seeing that Lindsay have heard everything they've just said because the mike was on) LINDSAY : I'm gonna go, Haley. HALEY : Yeah, I'll see you. (Lindsay leaves the studio) MOUTH WORK PLACE Mouth walk in the recording studio and his co-workers come talk to him JERRY : Hey, Mouth. MOUTH : You guys scared me. What's going on? JERRY : We're hiding from Alice. MOUTH : Why? CARLTON : Have you met Alice? JERRY : Hey, hey. Carlton... Because working on the weekends sucks, and we've all had it. That's why... you got to talk to her. MOUTH : Me? Why me? CARLTON : You're the only one that's ever stood up to her, Mouth. MOUTH : Listen, guys, I don't know. JERRY : Look, Mouth, either you talk to her, or we go with plan "B". MOUTH : What's plan "B"? JERRY : We pool all our money together, we hire a hit man, and take her out. CARLTON : I say plan "B." MOUTH : Come on, guys. She's not that bad. JERRY : Come on, Mouth. Admit it. You hate her, too. And do you know why? Because Alice is a bitch. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is working at his desk, Lindsay comes in and lies down on the bed LINDSAY : Peyton is a bitch! CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke and Millicent are at the counter, Peyton walk's in PEYTON : Your mom's a bitch. BROOKE : What happened? PEYTON : She went to the recording studio and freaked out Mia, who is M.I.A. Imagine that. And now I don't have an artist. BROOKE : I'm sorry, Peyton. I'll talk to her. PEYTON : It's either that or my fist talks to her face, and that's gonna be a longer conversation. BROOKE : I will. I'm sorry. PEYTON : Thank you. I'm gonna see you at home. I got to find Mia. BROOKE : My mother. (Millicent looks outside) MILLICENT : Oh, no. BROOKE : What? MILLICENT : It's him! BROOKE : Who? MILLICENT : The hot guy I met at the opening! (Millicent goes behind the counter to hide) (Mouth walks in) MOUTH : Hey. BROOKE : Hey, honey. Step aside. Hot guy coming through. MOUTH : What? (Brooke looks around and see nobody, she understands that Millicent was talking about Mouth) BROOKE : Oh... Hey... MOUTH : So, listen, I need to buy a gift for my boss's birthday. Something nice. Just please don't spend my entire paycheck. BROOKE : I will come up with something. MOUTH : Okay, cool. I'll come back by later. Got to quell a mutiny at work. Bye. BROOKE : Bye! (Mouth leaves, Brooke runs to the counter to Millicent) BROOKE : Excuse me? MILLICENT : He's cute, huh? But he was buying a gift for someone. BROOKE : Please, like Mouth's dating his boss. MOUTH'S BEDROOM Mouth and Alice are on the bed, Mouth is shirtless but Alice is ready to go. They kiss. MOUTH : You... you like the crew, right? ALICE : Crew? MOUTH : Yeah, the guys at work. ALICE : If by "like" you mean "loathe." MOUTH : I think you'd really like them if you got to know them. And I know they'd like you. ALICE : Right. Like that's what I'm gonna do... go have beers with Harry. MOUTH : It's Jerry. ALICE : Exactly. (Alice kiss Mouth) ALICE : See you at the office. (She leaves the room) EXTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan's in the pool doing his physical therapy. Jamie runs to his dad with Carrie behind him. JAMIE : I'm coming in, daddy! CARRIE : Whoo whoo (Carrie stops him) CARRIE : You need your water wings, fish face. All right. (she puts his wings) CARRIE : Got it? Okay. Style points for a big splash. NATHAN : Let's see what you got, Jimmy Jam. (Jamie jumps into the pool) NATHAN : Oh! Perfect 10. Perfect 10, buddy. JAMIE : Come on, nanny Carrie! CARRIE : Hold on. (she takes off her bathrobe and goes into the water wearing a bikini) NATHAN : Perfect 10, huh, dad? Throw me, daddy. CARRIE : VICTORIA : Jamie, your dad has to do his rehab. NATHAN : That's okay. Come here, you little monkey. You ready? JAMIE : Yeah! CARRIE : You splashed me! JAMIE : So? CARRIE : So? Not so fun now, huh? NATHAN : Splashing a little kid, huh? CARRIE : You got a problem with that? Let's see what you got. JAMIE : Get her, daddy! CARRIE : Yeah, get me, daddy. NATHAN : Oh, no. (Haley is watching them playing in the pool) INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE, JAMIE'S ROOM Jamie's sleeping and is awaked by Dan voice DAN (voiceover) : How would you like to come live with grandpa? JAMIE : Mama! Mama! Mama! (Jamie stand up and run in the hallway, Haley comes find him) HALEY : Jamie! Honey, I'm here! It's okay. Mama's here. JAMIE : No! I want my other mama! HALEY : Nathan, did you hear what Jamie just said to... Ohh (Haley comes back to her room and find Nathan and Carrie kissing on the bed) JAMIE (voiceover) : I want my other mama! (Haley wakes up for real, Nathan is not in the bed) INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley joins Carrie in the kitchen CARRIE : Good morning! HALEY : Not really. CARRIE : Can I fix you some breakfast? HALEY : No, thanks. I'm thinking I might drop a few pounds. CARRIE : Oh, come on. You look great. HALEY : Yeah. Where's Jamie? CARRIE : With Skills. And Nathan's at physical therapy. So you'll just have to deal with all this nice peace and quiet. Thought I might go for a quick swim. HALEY : Carrie... I don't want to sound weird about this, but... could you not wear a bikini in the pool? CARRIE : Oh, my gosh. Of course. I'm so sorry. HALEY : It just seems kind of inappropriate, you know, around Jamie. CARRIE : You know, you're absolutely right. It was poor judgment on my part. HALEY : That's okay. And, you know, everything else is great. You're really doing a wonderful job. CARRIE : Thanks, Haley. I appreciate that. And I am so sorry. It won't happen again. [SCENE_BREAK] TERRACE OF A RESTAURANT Victoria and Brooke are having breakfast VICTORIA : It won't happen again. BROOKE : I'm serious, mother. Peyton was really upset. And anyway, this is my money. So just stop. I don't understand why you act like this. VICTORIA : "Why?" Well, let's see. I'm staying in a motel. We have models that are a size four that should be a size zero. My daughter is hell-bent on destroying her company. BROOKE : First of all, I'm not destroying anything. And second, zero is not a size! Our models are... tall! VICTORIA : Tall and fat! BROOKE : Well, maybe you should go back to New York... I mean, if you're this unhappy here. VICTORIA : You have my word, all right? I won't meddle in Peyton's so-called record label. BROOKE : Thank you. VICTORIA : What I will not do, however, is hold my tongue when I think you're making a mistake. Now eat your breakfast. BROOKE : Oh, I don't know if I should. I am a size four, after all. VICTORIA : But you're not a model. You're my daughter. You're far too talented to waste your life as a model. So eat. BOYS APARTMENT Skills and Jamie are playing video game SKILLS : Nice work, kid. You're halfway to sleeping in a van and checking in to rehab. JAMIE : Daddy's in rehab. SKILLS : Different kind of rehab. JAMIE : What other kind is there? SKILLS : You want to go to the River Court? JAMIE : Did you know my grandpa Dan? SKILLS : Yeah, I think we'll go to the River Court. JAMIE : Uncle Skills, how come they sent my grandpa away? INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE, JAMIE'S ROOM Jamie is cleaning his room when Nathan comes to see him JAMIE : It's clean. I promise. BOYS APARTMENT Nathan is talking with Skills NATHAN : You told Jamie my dad went to prison because he didn't clean his room? SKILLS : Look, I was stuck. I mean, he come up to you with those baby-seal eyes like... I mean, he just gets you all confused, man. NATHAN : You're supposed to play dumb, not scare the hell out of him. SKILLS : Look, I panicked, all right? Anyway, man, I don't like lying to him. Nate, you got to talk to him. PEYTON'S OFFICE Lucas comes to see Peyton LUCAS : We need to talk. Did you tell Lindsey that you don't like her? PEYTON : Kind of. LUCAS : What the hell, Peyton? She's been nice to you. PEYTON : Okay, in case you haven't noticed, I have a few other problems to deal with right now. Do you see this office, this big, empty office for a label with no artists? LUCAS : You mean the label Lindsey recommended I help you with. PEYTON : Okay, I can't do this right now. LUCAS : You have to apologize to her. PEYTON : Luke, Mia is missing, okay? Brooke's mom is killing me. I quit my job, I moved back home, and I can't do this right now. LUCAS : Can I help you? PEYTON : No. No, you cannot help me. That is the last thing that I want. Go home to your girlfriend, Luke, please. LUCAS : Okay. LUCAS OFFICE AT TREE HILL HIGH Lucas and Haley with Quentin QUENTIN : What's so important coach got to see me on the weekend for, man? Well, well. Mrs. James-Scott. LUCAS : Have a seat, Q. QUENTIN : All right. LUCAS : So, Mrs. Scott here says that you recently left her class despite the threats of receiving a failing grade for the quarter. QUENTIN : Yeah, that was just a little misunderstanding. But it's all good now, right, Mrs. J-S? HALEY : No, Quentin, I warned you about that, and I'm gonna stand by it. But I do know how important basketball is to you, so I figured out a way for you to make up your grade. This book is called "Les Misérables." Do you know it? (Quentin is laughing) HALEY : Good. I'm glad. Now you can read it over the course of the year, turn in biweekly book reports for extra credit, and as long as you meet your deadlines, you'll rain eligible to play. QUENTIN : And if I don't? HALEY : I'm not gonna give preferential treatment to any student in my class. LUCAS : What do you say, Q.? Do we have a deal? QUENTIN : I'll think about it. RIVERCOURT Quentin is playing alone, Nathan arrives NATHAN : That's a great move. Shame no one's gonna see it this year unless you read the book. QUENTIN : Gosh, man! What is this, bad cop/dumb cop? I said I'd think about it. What's it to you, anyway? NATHAN : It matters to Haley, so it matters to me. She tends not to give up on people as easily as I do. QUENTIN : Or maybe wifey's just a little afraid I'm about to break her man's scoring record, huh? So she assigned me some crap book 'cause she know I won't do it. NATHAN : Here's the problem with that theory... you're not good enough to beat my record. QUENTIN : Right, you don't think so? NATHAN : No. There's one thing that every great player has, and that's the will to do whatever it takes to be the best. I don't see that in you, Q. And at this point, you don't even have a team, so... maybe you should think about that. QUENTIN : And what team you got, washout, huh? You so great, right? Where your team at? NATHAN : I have a team. Every day, I wake up and I put on the uniform... mistakes, regret, what could have been. And if I could go back and change all that just by reading a book, trust me, I'd read the book. And if not... well, welcome to the team, Q. CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton is drawing some sketches for Brooke BROOKE : Yeah, that's good. I could do a whole line of t-shirts with slogans like, "zero's not a size". PEYTON : Hey... and "my mom hates all my friends." BROOKE : Hey, she's not horrible all the time. You haven't been around for the last couple years. She cares about me. (Victoria walks in) VICTORIA : Brooke Penelope Davis! MILLICENT : I'll be in the back. VICTORIA : Did you schedule a conference call with Macy's? BROOKE : Yeah, 'cause I was thinking... VICTORIA : Well, don't! In case you have to hear it, you have zero business sense! BROOKE : Mom. VICTORIA : Let me finish. For the last three years, I've been calling the shots, and look how this company has grown. You're a talented designer, Brooke, but you don't spin the straw into gold. I do. Truth be told, you are not smart enough to do it. (Victoria leaves the shop, Peyton follows her outside) PEYTON : Hey! Ice Queen! Stop being such a bitch to your daughter! VICTORIA : And did my daughter pay you to say that? PEYTON : No, I came up with that one for free. VICTORIA : I advise you keep your little underachieving mouth shut because my relationship with my daughter is none of your business. PEYTON : No, it is when you tear her down and call her stupid. See, the truth is, you're actually worried she's smart. And that's a threat to you because when she figures out how to do the business side of this company, goodbye, Victoria. VICTORIA : You're one to talk. Once I convince Brooke that you're just another leech sucking off the money teat, you will be broke and worthless. PEYTON : I meant what I said. Stop tearing down your daughter. She might have to bite her tongue with you because you're her mother, but you are not mine. VICTORIA : No, I am not. As a matter of fact, it's quite clear you never had a mother. PEYTON : Yeah? Neither did Brooke. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is looking at the jewel case when Lindsay walks in and sees the ring LINDSAY : Oh, my gosh. Lucas, I didn't... LUCAS : It's okay. (Lucas got down on one knee) LUCAS : Lindsey... will you marry me? (we see Peyton, lying on the bed in sexy underwear) PEYTON : Say no. It's what I did when he asked me. Lucas wakes up from his dream LINDSAY : Did you fall asleep? LUCAS : Yeah, I guess. LINDSAY : Well, you better get ready. We're having dinner with Nathan and Haley, remember? LUCAS : Oh, yeah. All right. MOUTH OFFICE JERRY : Did you talk to her? MOUTH : I tried. I mean, yeah, I think she knows my position. JERRY : So... we all heard. You're in line for the on-air reporter job. CARLTON : It's because you stood up to her. That's why. She must respect that. MOUTH : I don't know. (Alice walks in) ALICE : What's with the powwow? Can we get back to work? CARLTON : You get back to work. You hag. ALICE : Whoever you are, you're fired. Security! (Alice leaves the room) NATHAN AND HALEY'S BEDROOM Nathan is having difficulties to get dress NATHAN : Where the hell is my cane? Haley! Hey, have you seen my... Oh...Where's... where's Haley? CARRIE : I think she ran out for some last-minute dinner stuff. I told her I'd do it, but she wanted to. You okay? NATHAN : Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. CARRIE : Okay. So, are we not supposed to wear pants tonight? NATHAN : Funny. I think I overdid my rehab, and so I'm having a little trouble. This might not be the most appropriate job for you. CARRIE : Stop it. Nannies are like doctors. You let your doctor see you like this, don't you? NATHAN : That depends on where he takes me to dinner. CARRIE : You know, Haley asked me not to wear a bikini in the pool. She said it was inappropriate around Jamie. There you go. You good? NATHAN : Yeah. Listen, Carrie, I'm sure that Haley didn't mean anything by it. I know she likes you. CARRIE : Yeah. It's just kind of ironic, you know? I mean, if she's worried about someone getting turned on out at the pool, she probably shouldn't let you go shirtless. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Lindsay, Lucas, Haley, Nathan and Carrie are having dinner HALEY : So, what's going on with your writing, Luke? How's it coming? LUCAS : Good, actually. I'm kind of on a roll lately. NATHAN : You got to be loving that, Linds. LINDSAY : Yeah, the editor side of me is. The girlfriend side misses her boyfriend. LUCAS : So, how's physical therapy, Nate? NATHAN : Pretty good, man. I'm sore a lot these days. I spend a lot of time in the pool. CARRIE : Yeah, he's been looking really good in there. His rehab's going great. NATHAN : Yeah. Where's your head, Hales? HALEY : Quentin. I gave him a second chance to kind of turn things around, and I'm not sure if he's gonna take it. LUCAS : He will if he wants to play. LINDSAY : Well, sometimes you just don't know about people. I mean, I gave Peyton a second chance, and she didn't take it. HALEY : I have to tell you, I felt so horrible about that, and I know Peyton did, too. Victoria has literally been driving Peyton crazy. LINDSAY : Thanks, but there's more to it than that. Peyton feels like she has some sort of jurisdiction over Lucas because of their history. I was really hoping it wouldn't be an issue, but clearly it is. LUCAS : Lindsey... Peyton's got a big heart. LINDSAY : Yeah, to go along with her big mouth. I know I went to an ivy league school, but if she keeps it up, she's gonna get her ass kicked. HALEY : Okay! Easy. LINDSAY : Sorry. I didn't mean that. I know she's a friend of yours. I just wanted her to like me. CARRIE : Yeah, it sounds like it. (Jamie joins them) JAMIE : What's so funny? HALEY : I'll tell you what's not funny...the fact that you're down here instead of upstairs sleeping like you're supposed to be. JAMIE : I'm not tired. CARRIE : I'll get him. HALEY : No, I got it. Jamie, bed, now. JAMIE : Daddy, can you take me? NATHAN : Jamie, you're gonna listen to your mother, okay? Now, go on upstairs. We'll be up in a couple seconds to tuck you in. LINDSAY : He is so cute. NATHAN : He uses it. Trust me. And now he's scared to death to go to bed because of Dan. LUCAS : But can you blame him? I had nightmares about Dan till I was, what, 19? HALEY : Think we should go talk to him? NATHAN : Yeah. HALEY : Excuse us. Hey, and you are not allowed to clean at all, okay? You just make Lucas do it. LUCAS : All right. All right. Cheers, ladies. (Lucas goes to the kitchen, leaving Lindsay and Carrie alone) LINDSAY : So, Carrie, how's everything going? CARRIE : Really good. By the way, I completely agree with what you said about Peyton. Just because someone has history with a person doesn't mean that's who they should be with. Nathan and Haley arrives in Jamie' room NATHAN (finding his can) : Buddy, I've been looking for that. JAMIE : It keeps me safe from grandpa. HALEY : Baby, listen, we try to protect you from things because we love you, and that's why we didn't tell you the truth about grandpa Dan. The truth is, he did some bad things, and he needed to go away. JAMIE : Is he ever gonna come back? NATHAN : Maybe. Someday. But no matter what, you're always gonna be safe with us. Mommy and daddy are never gonna let anything happen to you, okay? JAMIE : Okay. But just in case, can you maybe check in the closet and under the bed? NATHAN : Yeah, I think so. INTERIOR CLUB TRIC Brooke, Peyton and Millicent are at the bar BROOKE : It's pretty nice, P. Sawyer. Fully stocked bar steps from your office, complete with a hot bartender, might I add? AMY : Hi... Sorry to bother you. Can I get an autograph? BROOKE : Yeah. AMY : It's Amy. BROOKE : Okay. AMY : Thanks. PEYTON : Well, okay! So, aside from noticing hot bartenders, how has your love life been? BROOKE : No comment. MILLICENT : She sleeps around a lot, but there's no one special. BROOKE : You can be fired. You know that. PEYTON : Yeah, but then she'd just come work for me, and you'd still be paying her. BROOKE : Okay. I'm not calling myself famous or anything, but the celebrity makes it a little hard to meet somebody you can trust. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Haley come back to the dinner table when the door bell rings CARRIE : Oh, I'll get it! HALEY : All right. LUCAS : Everything all right, guys? HALEY : Oh, poor thing. We all have stuff we're afraid of. You know I'm deathly afraid of clowns? No, I swear to God. It's really sad. (Quentin arrives) QUENTIN : Hey, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say I've been thinking about it, and, I'll do whatever it takes to remain eligible. HALEY : I'm really glad to hear that. LUCAS : All right, 6:00 a.m. practice, Q. QUENTIN : Yes, sir. I guess I'll leave y'all to it. I got a book I got to start reading. NATHAN : I'll see you out. HALEY : Way to go, coach. LUCAS : All right. (Nathan goes with Quentin to the door) NATHAN : You made the right decision. QUENTIN : I'm coming for that scoring title, and when I'm done, I'm gonna erase you. NATHAN : Yeah, that's what I would have said. INTERIOR CLUB TRIC Brooke is at the bar with two fans, Millicent is taking a picture of them. Peyton is also there. PEYTON : Oh, that looks good! BROOKE : Thank you. FANS : Thank you BROOKE : You're welcome. So, you guys ready to go? PEYTON : Yeah. MILLICENT : Hot bartender guy coming this way. BROOKE : I told you he couldn't resist. OWEN : Brooke Davis? Could you maybe sign this for me? BROOKE : Who should I make it out to? OWEN : You can make it out to Trick for $37. It's your bar tab. BROOKE : I thought you were asking for my autograph. OWEN : Not really an autograph kind of guy, especially when I have no idea who the person is. BROOKE : Brooke Davis. I have a line called Clothes Over Bro's... clothing. OWEN : More of a t-shirt-and-jeans guy. Maybe if your name was Levi Strauss. PEYTON : My name is Peyton. I actually have an office right in there. This is Millicent. And you know... OWEN : Brooke, right? PEYTON : Yeah. OWEN : She makes clothes apparently. PEYTON : Yes. OWEN : Well, I'm Owen. Let me know if you want my autograph. (Owen leaves) PEYTON : Nice work, B. Davis. BROOKE : Shut up. Let's go. (Peyton sees Mia on the other side of the room) PEYTON : You know what? I'm gonna meet you at home. (Peyton leaves to see Mia) BROOKE : So hot! PEYTON'S OFFICE MIA : I'm sorry I disappeared. I just needed time to think about everything, and, honestly, I don't think I'm the one to do all this with... start your label with. PEYTON : Why, 'cause you're scared? MIA : Because I don't think I'm ready, and I know how important it is to you. PEYTON : Okay, Mia. Why do you write songs? MIA : What do you mean? PEYTON : When you think about your career, what do you want? What's gonna be enough? MIA : I don't know. PEYTON : All right, maybe you're right. Maybe you're not ready. MIA : I want to help someone. I want to reach that girl or that boy who wakes up one day and feels like it's not worth it anymore. PEYTON : Why, 'cause you've been that person? MIA : Maybe. It's like... I don't need to be famous, and I don't need all the money in the world. It's not about that. It's about that girl who's having a horrible day, and she hears your song, and for five minutes, there's hope, you know? It's like, for five minutes, the world's not such a scary place for her anymore. You asked what's gonna be enough... that'll be enough. That'll be more than enough. PEYTON : Okay. I take it back. Maybe you are ready. CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria's sitting on the couch and Brooke arrives and goes sit beside her mother BROOKE : You're working late. VICTORIA : Someone has to, right? BROOKE : Mom, I know this has all been really hard on you, but I just need you to trust me, okay? And no matter what happens, I just wanted to tell you that... I love you, and I appreciate you. And... maybe I don't say that enough. VICTORIA : Of course I trust you, honey. More than that, I love you. And I'm so proud of you. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Come here. (Victoria takes her daughter in her arms) (Brooke actually wakes up in her room and realize it was just a dream) Exact same scene, Victoria's sitting on the couch and Brooke arrives and goes sit beside her mother BROOKE : You're working late. VICTORIA : Someone has to, right? BROOKE : Mom, I know this has all been really hard on you, but I just need you to trust me, okay? And no matter what happens, I just wanted to tell you that... I love you, and I appreciate you. And... maybe I don't say that enough. VICTORIA : Whatever. You can lock up. (Victoria leaves and Brooke starts crying) OUTSIDE CLUB TRIC Lucas drives by and sees the light on in Peyton's office PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton's at her desk, Lucas walks in LUCAS : I saw your light on. Which isn't that surprising. I know how hard you work. You know... you haven't been yourself lately, Peyton. I mean, not the Peyton I remember. PEYTON : I haven't been that Peyton for three years. LUCAS : What's going on? PEYTON : Okay. I went by my old house. There's a teenage girl living there now. And she showed me my closet door. And you know what that said? "Lucas and Peyton. True love always." "Always," Lucas... that's what we were supposed to have until you showed up in L.A. three years ago and ambushed me. LUCAS : If by ambushed you mean proposed to you? PEYTON : Oh, yeah. Out of the blue.A proposal that was driven by some insecurity that I have never been able to understand. LUCAS : Insecurity? Right. Let me tell you how you get "always," Peyton. When a man asks you to marry him, you say yes. You don't say no and call him insecure. PEYTON : I never said no!I said that I loved you and that I did want to marry you someday. And.. oh, God, Luke! I wanted to so bad... but you gave up on us. LUCAS : I gave up on us? PEYTON : Yes! LUCAS : By proposing, I gave up on us? PEYTON : No, by not waiting, you gave up on us, and you know that's the truth. LUCAS : That's great, Peyton! You want to talk truth, let's tell the truth. PEYTON : Okay. LUCAS : You gave up on me. That's why you didn't say yes! You didn't think I could do it. You didn't think I could get my novel published. Maybe you just didn't care, because it wasn't about you or what you wanted. PEYTON : Well, if that's the truth, if I never cared, then how come every time I see this stupid book, I buy it every stupid damn time, Luke?! (Peyton starts throwing the books at him) PEYTON : You said I was great! You said I could be great! You said we were destined to be together! You said it to the world, you said it to me, and I wish you never had because you did not mean any of it! (Peyton is crying) PEYTON : Oh, God. LUCAS : I'm gonna go. PEYTON : Okay, you know what? I want to pay rent. I don't know how, but I'll figure it out. I just... whatever this is, I don't feel right about it. LUCAS : It's called me being nice to you. PEYTON : Well, it needs to stop. LUCAS : Maybe you're right. (Lucas leaves Peyton alone) MOUTH OFFICE Jerry comes to see Mouth in the recording room JERRY : Tough day. Sucks about Carlton, huh? Well, you're lucky. Guess Alice kind of likes you. God help you if that ever goes south. Night, buddy. Mouth goes to see Alice in her office MOUTH : I'm gonna head home. ALICE : By "home," I hope you mean my place. MOUTH : Actually, I'm not feeling very well. ALICE : Maybe you're not on-air material after all. I mean, if you're gonna start getting "sick" on me. MOUTH : I'm sure it's nothing. I'll get a good night's rest and be back to normal. ALICE : Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope so. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke is calling Millicent BROOKE : Millicent, I want you to reschedule the meeting with Macy's. MILLICENT : Your mom's not gonna like that. BROOKE : It's my company. And please do me a favor... call her Victoria. Don't call her my mom. MILLICENT : Okay. NATHAN AND HALEY'S BEDROOM NATHAN : Little man's out cold. You need me to check for clowns? HALEY : I kind of do. NATHAN : All right. (Nathan looks under the bed) NATHAN : Good over there. (He looks around) NATHAN : All right. You're good. HALEY : I think you forgot the balcony. NATHAN : Okay. (Nathan goes on the balcony and sees Carrie swimming naked, he stares for a while) HALEY : Thanks, husband. Nice to know there aren't any monsters in the house.

Plan: A: confrontation time; Q: What is the name of this episode? A: Lucas; Q: Who confronts Peyton? A: Lindsey and Brooke; Q: Who does Peyton have nasty behavior towards? A: Peyton's record label; Q: Who does Brooke confront Victoria about meddling with? A: Nathan; Q: Who begins to grow closer to Nanny Carrie? A: Haley; Q: Who is struggling with Quentin? A: Crowded House; Q: What band is the episode named after? Summary: It's confrontation time in Tree Hill, as Lucas confronts Peyton about her nasty behavior towards Lindsey and Brooke must confront Victoria about meddling with Peyton's record label. Nathan begins to grow closer to Nanny Carrie, Haley continues to struggle in dealing with Quentin, and Mouth must choose sides between his co-workers or Alice.[13] This episode is named after a song by Crowded House .

THE REIGN OF TERROR by DENNIS SPOONER first broadcast - 12th September, 1964 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. SITTING ROOM, JULES RENAN'S HOUSE (Ian, Barbara and Jules are waiting for the Doctor to arrive at the house. They hear a noise at the outside door.) IAN: Here they are. (He looks as the door from the hall opens. In walks the Doctor, still in his official uniform; behind him is the tall figure of Lemaitre!.) BARBARA: Lemaitre! JULES: Your friend has betrayed us! [SCENE_BREAK] IAN: (To the Doctor.) You brought the soldiers! LEMAITRE: No, I came alone and unarmed. Ask your friend. DOCTOR: We came alone, my boy. We made a bargain. Let him speak. He holds Susan prisoner. JULES: (To Lemaitre.) What can you have to say to us? LEMAITRE: Please! I come as a friend. BARBARA: (Incredulously.) A friend? LEMAITRE: Ian will tell you that what I say is true. IAN: I will? LEMAITRE: Well, surely you realise that your escape from prison was arranged? I saw to it that you got the key and I took care of the jailer. IAN: Why? Why should you do that? LEMAITRE: I was certain in my own mind that Webster gave you a message to deliver. You had to have the opportunity to deliver it. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to wait now. I have to collect. BARBARA: Collect? LEMAITRE: Yes. I am James Stirling. IAN: Stirling? You? STIRLING: Is it so surprising? You must have already decided that to be of any use I would have to hold some position of authority. JULES: Why have you not made yourself known here before? Webster had been told about me. STIRLING: I've been in France several years. When I came over you must have been unknown to us, although I'm not sure I would have contacted you even if I could. I prefer to work alone. IAN: You could have made yourself known to me in prison. STIRLING: Yes, but I didn't know whether I could trust you. There again, I could have been overheard. No Ian, I took the only course possible. DOCTOR: That's all very well, Lemaitre, Stirling, or whatever your name is, but the only reason I brought you here was to help Susan. And I've kept my part of the bargain. STIRLING: I know, but let me explain my position... DOCTOR: I certainly will not! I want my granddaughter out of that prison! STIRLING: She already has been out of that prison and she was rearrested. (To everyone.) I will help you if you will help me. Don't you see? I can use my authority to get safe passage for all of you to whever you want to go. DOCTOR: But look here... IAN: He's right, Doctor. STIRLING: No harm will come to Susan, I promise. I gave orders that she was to remain in the cell. Now you know that's true. The jailer would die rather than see that cell door opened again. DOCTOR: Very well. Very well. If you must, t... tell your story then get on with it. (The Doctor moves to the other side of the room.) STIRLING: (To Ian.) First the message. IAN: Oh, Webster said very little. He was badly wounded as you know. STIRLING: Yes. I know that. I read reports of all arrests in case something like this happens. It's why I came to your cell, I realised that he could have been Webster. I've been expecting to be contacted for months. IAN: ...know where you were, or even where I could find you. STIRLING: No. The plan was that he was to look for and recognise me. He was a good friend. Ian, the message? IAN: He said you were to return to England immediately. It seems that whatever information you have is wanted there urgently. STIRLING: Nothing more? IAN: That was all Webster said. STIRLING: Are you sure? IAN: Well, he mumbled occasionally. Odd words. But, what I've just told you was all he asked me to tell you. STIRLING: What were these mumblings about? IAN: Oh, well, they didn't really make sense. He was unconscious. He said, ah... strange things. I can't really remember now. STIRLING: He may have realised that he didn't have very much time. IAN: (Thoughtfully.) Yes. I'm afraid I can't remember them. STIRLING: Well, I'm already planning my return to England. But, before I go, and before I can give Susan and you safe passage, there is one more piece of information I must have. BARBARA: But, you asked for our help. What can we do? You have all the power. STIRLING: Robespierre sent for me today. There is another plot to depose him. JULES: Good. Will it succeed, do you think? STIRLING: Possibly. He gave orders that I should follow Paul Barrass, a deputy, and report back on a meeting... IAN: Barrass! Meeting! Webster did speak of that. STIRLING: What did he say? IAN: Well, nothing specific but he said Barrass, meeting, and something about a sinking ship. (Pause.) No. No, The Sinking Ship. That was it! JULES: Just a moment. There's an inn called the Sinking Ship on the Calais Road. It would be ideal for a secret meeting. STIRLING: Right. Better than following him, we can plan a reception committee. If I can discover the results of this meeting, I'm ready to return to England and I'm free to help you. BARBARA: Have you any idea who Barrass is meeting? STIRLING: No, but whoever he is, he could be the next ruler of France. IAN: I still don't understand why you need our help. STIRLING: Barrass knows me by sight, I'm sure of that. (To the Doctor.) He could even know of you, Doctor. (The Doctor rejoins the conversation.) STIRLING: Now my plan, if you agree, is for Barbara and Ian to attend the meeting. DOCTOR: Nonsense! It's far too risky. JULES: Why not use your own men? You would still learn the details. STIRLING: True but then they would also know and they may talk. Then I have no advantage. BARBARA: I think we should go. Ian? IAN: It's risky. But, we're not going to get away without help. DOCTOR: Quite so, and there's Susan to think about. STIRLING: Then you agree to go? BARBARA: Yes. IAN: We agree. STIRLING: The Doctor and I will remain here. If we're seen it could hinder you, or worse. JULES: I'll take them to the inn, Stirling, if you've no objection. STIRLING: Good. I was going to ask you to. Now, when you get there I suggest that the innkeeper... JULES: You can leave it to us, Stirling. STIRLING: Sorry. I know I can. (To Ian and Barbara.) You should have little difficulty getting there tonight. Stay the night and return here tomorrow morning. That way you won't run into any patrols. Now, where exactly is this inn, Jules? (Jules points on a map he has put on the table.) JULES: It's a good two hours ride. We'll take the Calais road and ride due north. When we reach this fork we'll see a forest. We'll circle it and ride west. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. SKY (Later that night the moon disappears behind some clouds. Lightning flickers and rain begins to pour.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. CALAIS ROAD (A sign on a building depicting a sinking ship is being blown around in the gale.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. BAR ROOM (Jules is sitting at a table smoking a pipe. Barbara comes up to him disguised as a waitress and gives him a bottle.) JULES: (Loudly.) Thank you. (They then have a quieter conversation.) BARBARA: Well, if this is a typical night's trade, I'm not surprised this place was chosen. JULES: Hmm. I've bound and gagged the innkeeper and left him in the wine cellar. He'll be found when we leave. BARBARA: Ian's nearly finished. JULES: Good. BARBARA: You know, if Barrass doesn't arrive soon, he'll find the place closed. JULES: Perhaps that's what he's waiting for. (Barbara goes and collects the empty mugs from another table and retreats to behind the bar. She hears a noise from the shelves with the bottles on and, after examining them, goes through a door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. ROOM BEHIND THE BAR (She emerges in a room. There is no wall where the shelves are and so they can be accessed here as well. Ian is fiddling with the bottles, trying to make a spyhole.) BARBARA: You're through. IAN: Yes, I know. That'll do it. Many out there? BARBARA: Just two. They look set for the night. And Jules of course. He's put the innkeeper in the cellar. (Ian examines his handiwork.) IAN: Good. Yes, looks all right. Aye. Now we're ready for them. (Ian goes through into the main room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. BAR ROOM (Barbara joins him and they both resume normal jobs by the counter. Soon, the door to the inn opens and a man enters from the gale outside. Ian advances forwards, still in character.) IAN: Ah, let me take your cloak, citizen? Horrible night. Ah. (The man, Barrass, allows Ian to remove it.) BARRASS: Where is Jacques? IAN: Ah, Jacques? Oh, he's sick. He asked me to help him out. You must be the citizen who ordered the room. This way. This way citizen. (He leads Barrass over to the door to the other room.) IAN: Here we are. (Barras goes through.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. ROOM BEHIND THE BAR (Barrass examines his surroundings. Barbara enters.) BARBARA: Can... can I get you anything, citizen? BARRASS: Ah, yes. Some wine. BARBARA: How many guests are you expecting? BARRASS: Just the one. (Barbara bows and departs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. BAR ROOM (She rejoins Ian at the bar.) BARBARA: There'll only be two of them. (They prepare a tray with a bottle of wine and two glasses which Barbara duly carries through. The only other two inhabitants of the inn, apart from Jules stand up.) IAN: Goodnight! CITIZEN: Goodnight! (They open the door and step out into the storm. Ian nods to Jules and he also goes. Barbara returns.) IAN: As soon as his guest comes you can lock up. (Barbara nods and begins to wipe the table of the recently departed visitors. Barrass emerges from his room and, a few seconds later another man, his face obscured by a scarf, enters. Barrass smiles and lets him through.) BARBARA: Did you see who it was? IAN: No. Did you? BARBARA: No. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. ROOM BEHIND THE BAR (The man stands in full uniform by the window.) BARRASS: Well, I'm delighted you could get here, general. (Without a word his associate opens the door to the bar room again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. BAR ROOM (He looks around and sees Ian and Barbara at their tasks. Satisfied he closes the door. Ian waves Barbara over.) IAN: (Whispering.) Barbara. Barbara. It's Napoleon. Napoleon Bonaparte! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. ROOM BEHIND THE BAR (Napoleon sits down heavily at the table.) BARRASS: We're quite safe here. I made certain I wasn't followed. NAPOLEON: The meeting place was well chosen. (Barrass pours a glass of wine.) BARRASS: I, um... assume from your presence here that you're interested in my proposition. NAPOLEON: Interested, obviously. But, no more. At least, not until you disclose the full details. BARRASS: Robespierre will be arrested after tomorrow's convention meeting. NAPOLEON: Will be? It won't be the first attempt. BARRASS: But it will be the successful one. He'll be tried and executed before his friends have time to reorganise. (Napoleon stands.) NAPOLEON: You make it sound simple, Barrass. I think you underestimate Robespierre. He has a talent for commanding support. BARRASS: Only if he is allowed to speak. And he won't be able to. NAPOLEON: As far as I'm concerned, your success or failure means very little to me. BARRASS: Oh, possibly. But, only for the immediate future. Success could well mean that I would take control of the governing committee. NAPOLEON: It would be within the constitutional rights? BARRASS: And then the constitution could be amended. Oh, I'm well aware of your disgust for politicians, tearing France to pieces while her enemies wait to pound us. NAPOLEON: Exactly what is your proposal? BARRASS: I believe that to rule a country successfully, one needs a certain support from the people being governed. NAPOLEON: Agreed. And how do you plan to raise that support? BARRASS: With you. Your victories, inspiring victories, in the Austrian Wars have made you a public figure. You're a hero in the people's eyes. NAPOLEON: And in your eyes? A useful prop for your new government. BARRASS: (Chuckling.) No. Come general. You would be more than just a figurehead. NAPOLEON: Yes. I know I would. I'm glad you appreciate it. Which capacity... [SCENE_BREAK] 12. BAR ROOM (Ian and Barbara are eavesdropping through the spyhole.) NAPOLEON: ...would you require me to serve? [SCENE_BREAK] 13. ROOM BEHIND THE BAR BARRAS: The constitution amendment would call for a government of three consuls. You would be one of them. NAPOLEON: When would you require my decision? [SCENE_BREAK] 14. BAR ROOM BARRASS: Now. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. ROOM BEHIND THE BAR NAPOLEON: If I refuse? BARRASS: You're in a strong position, Bonaparte, but hardly indispensable. There are other young men equally ambitious. NAPOLEON: I accept, dependent on Robespierre's downfall. In the event of failure, I shall of course deny this meeting ever took place. BARRASS: I will summon you to Paris as soon as a suitable time has elapsed. NAPOLEON: I shall be ready to take over. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. SITTING ROOM, JULES RENAN'S HOUSE (The five are back together. Ian and Barbara are telling their story.) STIRLING: (Alarmed.) Napoleon? Napoleon as ruler of France? BARBARA: Yes. As one of three consuls. STIRLING: He won't be content with that. I've watched his promotions. Bonaparte's clever and ambitious. If he gets a foothold to power, one day he will rule France. DOCTOR: Our only concern now is Susan. STIRLING: She's only part of it, Doctor. If they take Robespierre to the prison we might find it hard to get in there, let alone get out. IAN: You made a bargain with us. STIRLING: And I'll keep to it. IAN: You knew this might happen. STIRLING: Yes. But, I had no idea Barrass was so strong. Jules. What time is this convention meeting? JULES: It will be over by now. STIRLING: Then Robespierre could already be under arrest. I must find out. There may still be time. BARBARA: You'd keep Robespierre as ruler of France. STIRLING: If I thought it was the only way... JULES: We need a strong government, but not a military dictatorship. And it could happen. BARBARA: It will happen! DOCTOR: Oh, save your breath, my dear. (To Stirling and Jules.) Do as you think fit. I'm going off for Susan. STIRLING: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? STIRLING: Take Barbara with you. Let her hide outside the prison. Jules? JULES: Yes? STIRLING: Get a carriage. Take her to the prison. If there are crowds, wait until they disperse, Barbara will watch out for you. JULES: Right. (Jules goes out.) STIRLING: (To the Doctor.) If you can get Susan, take her and join Barbara and wait for the carriage. Ian and myself will join you as soon as we can. IAN: And where shall we go? STIRLING: To the palace. We'll get news of Robespierre. If you're not outside the prison when we return I'll come for you. (Ian looks indecisive.) DOCTOR: Go with him, my boy. You can't help me but at least you can make sure that he helps us. IAN: All right. I'll see you outside the prison. Good luck. BARBARA: Take care, Ian! DOCTOR: Hmm. (Ian and Stirling depart. Barbara begins to laugh.) DOCTOR: What is it? What do you find so amusing, hmm? BARBARA: Oh, I don't know. Yes, I do. It's this feverish activity to try and stop something that we know is going to happen. Robespierre will be guillotined whatever we do! DOCTOR: (Gravely.) I've told you of our position so often. BARBARA: Yes, I know. You can't influence or change history. I learnt that lesson with the Aztecs. DOCTOR: The events will happen, just as they are written. I'm afraid so and we can't stem the tide. But at least we can stop being carried away with the flood! Now, Susan and the prison. (They too leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. OFFICE OF ROBESPIERRE (Robespierre bursts in, locks the double doors behind him and leans heavily on them. He then goes over to his desk and begins to sort through the papers on it. He pulls a gun out of a drawer and advances back to the door, unlocking it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE OF ROBESPIERRE (A crowd of soldiers is gathering here, many of its members armed, and is trying to open the doors.) SOLDIER: ... him. SOLDIER: Come out! Do you hear? SOLDIER: ... break it down. (They succeed and swarm into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. OFFICE OF ROBESPIERRE (Two of them grab Robespierre and hold him.) SOLDIER: ... citizen. Issued by the governing committee! (Robespierre loudly tries to rally support.) ROBESPIERRE: Oh, don't be fools, citizens! They're traitors. All of them. Traitors! Don't be fools, they're just using you. They'll never succeed in taking over the government of France! They'll never succeed! Within hours I shall be as powerful as ever I was and the traitors will pay with their lives. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE OF ROBESPIERRE (Ian and Stirling cautiously approach. Stirling is about to enter but Ian holds him back. Robespierre is still speaking.) ROBESPIERRE: If, citizens, you swear your allegiance to me now, I will promise your safety. I promise to save France. I will promise...! (A loud gunshot rings out and the voice is silent.) SOLDIER: (From inside the office.) Ha! That'll keep you quiet for a while ... Come on! ... (Robespierre is dragged from the prison, clutching his mouth in anguish. The rest of the crowd follows, leaving only Ian and Stirling.) STIRLING: You should have let me go in, Ian. IAN: No, Stirling. Robespierre's finished. We were too late. STIRLING: Yes. Did you hear the men? They're taking him to the prison. IAN: Yes. It's up to the Doctor now. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. SKY (It is still cloudy.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. STREET NEAR THE CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The Doctor and Barbara are standing beneath an overhanging building. The faint rumblings of thunder can be heard.) DOCTOR: I think we're going to have quite a storm. BARBARA: Yes. We were lucky to find shelter so near the prison. DOCTOR: Hmm. We've waited around here long enough. Far too conspicuous. I think the carriage might be here when I return. Will you be all right? BARBARA: Yes, of course. DOCTOR: I think I'll go and get Susan. Or, at least, try. Be careful. (He hurries off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The jailer is at his table, drinking with two soldiers. The Doctor, who is still in his outfit, comes and stands opposite him.) JAILER: Up with the Revolution. (To the DOCTOR.) You! You came back! DOCTOR: I can see you did not expect me. JAILER: No. But I am glad you came. I still have a score to settle with you. DOCTOR: Really? I see you haven't heard the n... the news yet, my man. (The jailer points to the soldiers.) JAILER: Who hasn't? Robespierre has been overthrown! (The soldiers grunt in agreement.) DOCTOR: Yes. And Lemaitre was shot trying to run away. JAILER: (Shocked.) Lemaitre, shot? DOCTOR: Shot. And now we're going to deal with his accomplices. JAILER: (Suspicious.) Who are you? DOCTOR: Why do you think a high-ranking official like myself came to Paris, hmm? I was part of the plan. I came to make sure of Robespierre's downfall. JAILER: (Humbled.) I didn't know, citizen. DOCTOR: No. You didn't, did you? And that is why you didn't expect me to come back. You thought you'll get away with it! JAILER: Get away with what? DOCTOR: Being Lemaitre's accomplice. Take him! (The two soldiers grab the jailer.) DOCTOR: You were Lemaitre's accomplice, weren't you? You did help him to carry out his torturous actions? JAILER: I only carried out the orders I was given, sir. DOCTOR: Orders? Orders? Don't tell me that, my man, I was there, remember? I saw you conniving with him all the time. JAILER: I didn't, citizen. DOCTOR: Didn't what? JAILER: Do what you just said! DOCTOR: It was you that betrayed me to Lemaitre, was it not? JAILER: Well, after all, citizen, you did hit me on the head. And how was I to know Lemaitre was a traitor? And... Well, you citizen... You... Well, that was a secret wasn't it? DOCTOR: (Considering.) Well, I suppose there's some logic in that. I can't decide whether you're a rogue or a half-wit or both. Huh. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. (To the soldiers.) Get out. (The soldiers let go of the jailer.) DOCTOR: (To the jailer.) Now, while we'll... we're reconsidering the post of jailer you may stay here in a temporary capacity. JAILER: (Pleased.) Thank you, citizen. You won't regret it. I promise you! DOCTOR: I hope not. Now, Robespierre's friends smuggled him away after the convention. The soldiers are after him. He will be caught and probably brought here. JAILER: Ah, well we'll look after him, citizen. Never fear. DOCTOR: Tomorrow there will be a new bunch of prisoners, Robespierre's friends, so I hope everything will be ready, including the cells? JAILER: Well... Ah, shall I release the prisoners, citizen? DOCTOR: Certainly. Now let me have the key to the dungeon. (The jailer pulls a key off his ring and hands it to the Doctor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. STREET NEAR THE CONCIERGERIE PRISON (Barbara is standing in the shelter, looking on in horror. There are the sounds of a riot nearby. She is joined by Ian and Stirling.) VOICE: They've got Robespierre! IAN: The Doctor back yet? BARBARA: No. But, they've got Robespierre! I've just seen them take him into the prison! STIRLING: Yes, we followed them here. Perhaps I'd better go and see what's happened. IAN: You stay where you are, Stirling. You set one foot inside that prison and you'd be arrested. We must wait until Jules arrives with the carriage. BARBARA: And you obviously didn't get to Robespierre. IAN: No. STIRLING: We saw him taken. He was shot in the jaw. IAN: Jules going to be able to see us from here? BARBARA: I think so. At least this storm will allow him to pull up in front of the prison. STIRLING: I shall be heading for Calais. I can get a boat from there. IAN: Good. We can save you some time. We go the same way. STIRLING: And while you're waiting, you might as well explain exactly where it is you're making for. BARBARA: Well, as far as I can remember from the map I saw in the hideout, we head north of Paris... (Ian points forwards in excitement at the sound of horses.) IAN: Here's Jules! [SCENE_BREAK] 25. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The Doctor unlocks the door to one of the cells and Susan tumbles out.) SUSAN: Oh, grandfather! (They hug.) DOCTOR: Ah. There, Susan. We're all going back to the ship. It's all over for you. Eh. Eh. (Susan breaks away.) SUSAN: Where are the others? DOCTOR: Well, Barbara's outside and Ian should arrive at any moment. We have a carriage waiting. SUSAN: (Relieved.) A carriage! Oh, that's better than ... DOCTOR: Yes. I... Eh. Oh. (The sounds of the riot become louder.) SUSAN: Well, what's happening? DOCTOR: They've just heard about the downfall of Robespierre. A sort... a sort of celebration, you know? SUSAN: Oh, look! (The crowd drags Robespierre, still clutching his jaw, down the steps to the jailer who is seated at his table.) SOLDIER: Jailer! JAILER: Yes. What is it about? SOLDIER: A prisoner for you. JAILER: (Mocking.) Oh, citizen Robespierre? (He takes off his hat and bows.) JAILER: This is indeed an honour. SOLDIER: Ah, don't waste your breath on him. He can't answer you back. He tried writing us a letter but, ah... too bad we don't read, ay? (The soldiers laugh and the jailer leads them all off down the corridor. The Doctor and Susan slip by unobtrusively.) SUSAN: Let's go back to the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, Susan. The rabble are far too busy to bother about us. Everybody lived in fear, yesterday, of that man, and today...? Let's go, Susan. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] 26. STREET NEAR THE CONCIERGERIE PRISON (Ian is talking to Jules, Barbara to Stirling.) JULES: Yes, the fall of Robespierre has changed everything for me. IAN: I'm sure it has, Jules. What are you going to do now? JULES: First I must find Jean. Then I shall wait somewhere in the country and see how this situation in Paris develops. IAN: Going to be disturbed for a long time, I think. JULES: Yes, I know. I wonder who will emerge as the next ruler of France? IAN: Remember the name, Napoleon Bonaparte. JULES: Corsican? Ruling France? (Barbara and Stirling become the focus of attention.) STIRLING: Well, if you're certain that's where you want to be left. BARBARA: ... We'll be safe there. STIRLING: Yes, but I don't... BARBARA: Please. No questions. Promise? STIRLING: Very well, if that's what you want. Now that I'm going home, I just can't wait to see England again. BARBARA: Oh, England. I know how you feel only too well. STIRLING: Why don't you all come with me? BARBARA: Ah, no. We must travel our way. STIRLING: Barbara. Who are you really? Where do you all come from? (Before she can answer they are interrupted.) JULES: Here they are! IAN: He's got Susan! (The Doctor and Susan join them.) SUSAN: Ian! (They all head off towards the waiting carriage. Jules notices Stirling lagging behind.) DOCTOR: Now come along. Don't stand around. It's dangerous. IAN: Come along. Hurry. JULES: Come Lemaitre. We mustn't keep them waiting. I hope they have a pleasant journey. STIRLING: So do I. But to where, Jules? Funny. I get the impression they don't know where they're heading for. Come to that, do any of us? (He smiles and they too go to join the carriage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. SKY (It is now light again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28. MAP OF PARIS AND ENVIRONS (Superimposed over this we see the carriage being drawn along various roads.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. FOREST (The TARDIS sits here as it was before.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (The Doctor is sitting on a chair taking his heavy uniform off and at the same time talking to Susan, Ian and Barbara.) DOCTOR: Well, I can assure you, my dear Barbara, Napoleon would never have believed you. IAN: Yes, Doctor, but ah, supposing we had written Napoleon a letter, telling him, you know, some of the things that were going to happen to him. SUSAN: It wouldn't have made any difference, Ian. He would have forgotten it, or lost it, or thought it was written by a maniac. BARBARA: (Wryly.) I suppose if we'd tried to kill him with a gun, the bullet would have missed him. DOCTOR: Well, it's hardly fair to speculate, is it? No, I'm afraid you belittle things. [SCENE_BREAK] 31. SPACE (Over a starscape, their voices can still be heard.) DOCTOR: Our lives are important, at least to us. But as we see, so we learn. IAN: And what are we going to see and learn next, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, unlike the old adage, my boy, our destiny is in the stars, so let's go and search for it.

Plan: A: Missing episode; Q: What is the title of the episode? A: Paris; Q: Where does the TARDIS materialize? A: 1794 - one; Q: What year does the TARDIS land in? A: the French Revolution of 1789; Q: What event was the French Revolution? A: prisoners; Q: What are the travelers rescuing? A: the guillotine; Q: What were the prisoners being rescued from? A: James Stirling - alias Lemaitre; Q: Who is the English undercover spy? A: governor; Q: What was James Stirling's position at the prison? A: the Conciergerie prison; Q: What is the name of the prison? Summary: Missing episode The TARDIS materialises not far from Paris in 1794 - one of the bloodiest years following the French Revolution of 1789. The travellers become involved with an escape chain rescuing prisoners from the guillotine and get caught up in the machinations of an English undercover spy, James Stirling - alias Lemaitre, governor of the Conciergerie prison.

HORROR OF FANG ROCK BY: TERRANCE DICKS Part One Running time: 24:10 [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Ere, Reuben. Come and look, quick. REUBEN: What is it, boy? VINCE: This light, shot across the sky. Went under the sea, it did, and the sea was all glowing. Over there. REUBEN: Nothing there now. VINCE: Not now, maybe. I told you, it went under the sea. REUBEN: It could have been a, what do they call them, meteor. VINCE: Mmm. Weren't far off. BEN: Oh, sightseeing now, are we? Hoping to spot some of them bathing belles on the beach, eh? REUBEN: Vince here's been seeing stars. VINCE: I saw a light. Clear across the sky it came and went under the sea. BEN: Shooting star, eh? VINCE: Weren't no shooting star. I've seen them before. REUBEN: Bring you luck, boy, that will. Bit of luck coming for you. VINCE: On this rock? Not till my three month is up. BEN: Well, whatever it was, it's gone now. So long as it isn't a hazard to navigation we don't have to bother with it. VINCE: It were all red and glowing. BEN: Aye, well, I've heard enough about now, lad. I'm off downstairs for my supper. You just forget it. [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: The old days were simple enough. You just filled her up, trimmed the wick, and that old lamp just went burning away steady as you like. BEN: It wasn't only the lamp that burned sometimes though, was it. What about all those fires they had, eh? Towers gutted, men killed. REUBEN: Well, carelessness, that was. That or drink. Oil's safe enough if you treat her right. BEN: Now listen, Reuben. I've seen the inside of some of them old lighthouses REUBEN: I served twenty year in one. BEN: Like the inside of a chimney, they was. Grease and soot everywhere, floor covered with oil and bits of wick. REUBEN: Never, mate. Never. BEN: And as for the light. Oh dear oh me. You couldn't see it from the inside, never mind from the out. Great clouds of black smoke, soon as they were lit. REUBEN: If your electricity's so good, why are they going back to oil? You tell me that. BEN: Ah, now that's an oil vapour system. That's a different thing altogether. They're going back to that as they reckon as how that's cheaper, see. REUBEN: Course it's cheaper. REUBEN: Time they've paid out all that coal. Ahoy. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: That you, Reuben? (listens) King Edward, eh? Well, your majesty, will you tell the principal keeper that there's a fog coming up here like nobody's business. [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: Vince says there's a fog coming up. BEN: Fog? There weren't no sign of that earlier. REUBEN: He reckons it's a thick 'un, Ben. BEN: I'd best go and see for myself. After all, the boy's only learning. [SCENE_BREAK] BEN: I never seen a fog come in like that afore. And thick! REUBEN: Worst thing for sailors that ever was. BEN: Do you feel that cold too? REUBEN: Aye. BEN: That come from Iceland, I reckon. VINCE: It's come from where I saw that thing fall. BEN: Oh, get along with you, boy. It's about time you got that siren started. REUBEN: He might be right, Ben. It do seem unnatural. BEN: Not you, too? And I want a blast every two minutes, and I don't mean ten. REUBEN: Another thing with oil, it gives a better light in fog. BEN: Oh, rubbish. Electricity's just as good, and a darn sight more reliable. REUBEN: Reliable? [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: You said I would like Brighton. Well, I do not. DOCTOR: Does this look like Brighton? LEELA: I do not know. DOCTOR: It's not even Hove. It could be Worthing. LEELA: The machine has failed again? DOCTOR: Oh, not really, not failed. We're on the right planet, in the right time, roughly in the right general direction, assuming this is Worthing. LEELA: You cannot tell. DOCTOR: Because the localised condition of planetary atmospheric condensation caused a malfunction in the visual orientation circuits. Or to put it another way, we got lost in the fog. Never mind. Easy enough to pop back in and try again. That's odd. LEELA: What is? DOCTOR: A lighthouse without a light. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Hey, good old Ben. Didn't take him long, did it. REUBEN: Working, not working, working again. You never know where you are with it, do you. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: I just came down for my heavy jersey. It's freezing up there. BEN: It's worse in the generator room, even with the boiler. VINCE: Well, you repaired her, anyway. BEN: No. Lights came on by 'emselves. VINCE: What, for no reason? BEN: It's got me flummoxed. There's something going on here tonight, something I don't understand. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Look, the light is shining in that tower. DOCTOR: Oh, good. We'll just knock on the door, get directions and we'll be on our way. LEELA: What is that noise? DOCTOR: Foghorn. LEELA: What? DOCTOR: I said it's a foghorn! It warns the ships off these rocks. Mightn't spot the light in this fog. You know what ships are. We saw some on the Thames, remember? LEELA: I feel something wrong here. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Old Ben's worried. REUBEN: So he should be. His precious electricity. VINCE: Writing it all down in the log, he is. Says he can't understand it. REUBEN: Done it again, see? VINCE: He'll be spitting blood, won't he. [SCENE_BREAK] BEN: Argh! [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Over two minutes. REUBEN: Reckon it's not coming on this time. VINCE: Make no difference, not in this weather. Have their bows right onto Fang Rock afore they see our old lamp. REUBEN: Aye, this is a queer 'un. No cause for it. VINCE: It's cold air and warm air mixing, that's the cause. REUBEN: I've been thirty years in the service, Vince. One look at the sky and I know when fog's coming. Today was clear as clear. VINCE: Maybe I'd best go down and see if Ben needs a hand. REUBEN: You do that, boy. T'ain't natural. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Keeper? DOCTOR: The generator's working. I wonder what's happening to the power? LEELA: I'm not a teshnician. DOCTOR: It could be shorting out, I suppose. LEELA: And I suppose you are going to mend it? DOCTOR: What, without asking permission? I wouldn't dream of it. Let's talk to the crew first. This way. Teshnician? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Anyone at home? VINCE: That you, Ben? DOCTOR: No, it isn't. VINCE: 'Ere, who are you, then? LEELA: I'm Leela. DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. How do you do. You seem to be having some trouble here. VINCE: How'd you get here? LEELA: We came in the TARDIS. DOCTOR: We're mislaid mariners. Our craft's parked on the other side of the island. VINCE: Oh. Oh, you got lost in the fog, did you? DOCTOR: Yes. VINCE: Oh, you'd best come up to the crew room. DOCTOR: Good. VINCE: Where was you heading for? DOCTOR: Worthing. LEELA: Brighton. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: You did get lost, didn't you. I'll get you some vittles soon as we're sorted out. You'll not want to go on in this fog. Small craft, is she? DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: No. DOCTOR: Well, small in some ways. LEELA: Yes, but big in others. DOCTOR: What's the trouble here? VINCE: The generator keeps playing up. Lights go off then they come on again for no reason. DOCTOR: Tricky things, the early generators. VINCE: Oh, ours is the latest modern design, sir. Still, it's driving Ben wild. DOCTOR: Ben? Who's Ben? VINCE: He's the engineer. DOCTOR: Just the two of you, are there? VINCE: Three, sir. Old Reuben's up in the lamp room. Killing himself, he is. Fit to bust. LEELA: He's crippled? VINCE: No. Oh, I mean, no, he's one of the old-fashioned sort, you see. Never been really happy since they took out the oil. Hates electricity. DOCTOR: Yes, I know the type. In the early days of oil, he'd have said there's nothing like a really large candle, eh? VINCE: Aye, that's Reuben right enough. DOCTOR: Where's Ben now? VINCE: Eh? DOCTOR: Ben. Why isn't he working on the generator? VINCE: Well, he is, sir. You must have seen him. DOCTOR: No. No, I didn't. VINCE: Oh, he must have stepped out for a moment and you missed him in the fog. LEELA: If he had been there, I would have heard. VINCE: I'd better go and look for him. DOCTOR: No, that's all right, that's all right. What's your name? VINCE: Vince, sir. Vince Hawkins. DOCTOR: I'll go, Mister Hawkins. I'm something of an engineer myself. I might be able to help. You look after the young lady. VINCE: Right you are, sir. VINCE: This is quite a treat for me, miss. LEELA: Is it? VINCE: Oh, don't touch that, please, miss. Oh yes, it's a lonely up in the lighthouse, you see. I go out sometimes and talk to the seals, you know, just to get a change from Reuben and Ben. LEELA: Seals are animals? VINCE: Well, yes. LEELA: That is stupid. You should talk often with the old ones of the tribe. That is the only way to learn. VINCE: I'll get you a hot drink, miss. LEELA: I could do with some dry clothes more than a hot drink. VINCE: Oh, I'm afraid we don't have nothing suitable for a lady. LEELA: I'm no lady, Vince. The clothes you are wearing will be most suitable. VINCE: These are men's clothes, miss. Working clothes. VINCE: I'll, er, I'll find you something, miss. I'll go and find something. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ben? DOCTOR: Ben? Ben! No Ben. DOCTOR: Curiouser and curiouser. VINCE: Well done, sir. You're an engineer and no mistake. Doctor, where are you? DOCTOR: I'm over here. VINCE: Oh. Found the trouble, then? DOCTOR: Yes, I always find trouble. VINCE: Oh, Ben'll be pleased. DOCTOR: I doubt it. VINCE: Oh, he will, sir. He couldn't make head nor tail of what were wrong. I wonder where he's got to. DOCTOR: He's over there, dead. He's been dead some little time. VINCE: What? Ben. Oh, no! LEELA: What killed him? DOCTOR: As far as I can tell, a massive electric shock. He died instantly. VINCE: The generator? But he were always so careful. LEELA: It was very dark. VINCE: He had a lantern. Oh, I don't believe it. DOCTOR: Vince, you'd better go and tell old Reuben what's happened. Go on. VINCE: Right, sir. LEELA: You do not believe the machine killed him? Then what? DOCTOR: I thought there might have been something nasty in the coal hole. There's something nasty somewhere. LEELA: A sea creature? DOCTOR: What, that can open and shut doors and doesn't so much as leave a wet footprint, and has the ability to drain off electricity? LEELA: What is wrong? DOCTOR: That's Ben's lantern. [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: Ben knew every blessed inch of that there machine. Don't make sense, boy. VINCE: That's what this Doctor says. Electric shock. REUBEN: Foreign, is he? VINCE: I don't think so. Though tis true the young lady speaks a bit strange. Why? REUBEN: Could be spies. VINCE: Spies! What would spies want on Fang Rock? REUBEN: There's the Frogs, the Russkies, Germans too. Can't trust none of them. VINCE: Oh, they ain't spies. REUBEN: All this started just about the time they got here. Don't you forget that. VINCE: You don't think, you ain't saying that they might have done for Ben? REUBEN: I'm saying there's strange things afoot here tonight, and them two could be at the bottom of it. Reckon I'll just go and take a look at 'em. VINCE: 'Ere, Reuben. REUBEN: Aye? VINCE: You'll have to send a message to the shore station. We'll want a relief boat to take Ben away. REUBEN: Aye, I'll see to it, boy, soon as it's light. Where is he? VINCE: Generator room. Oh, I know it don't sound respectful. REUBEN: That it don't. VINCE: It's only till the boat gets here. REUBEN: He won't rest easy, you know, boy. VINCE: Eh? REUBEN: If Ben was killed by that damn blasted machine, there'll be anger in his soul. And when they die like that, they'll never rest easy. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: This is very interesting, Leela. It's called a Marconi Wireless Telegraph. You can send messages a long way with this. REUBEN: You leave that be, if you don't mind, mister. DOCTOR: Sorry. Shouldn't you be using it to report Ben's death? REUBEN: Wireless won't bring Ben back, will it. DOCTOR: No. REUBEN: I'll use the semaphore in the morning. DOCTOR: You do know how to operate it? REUBEN: Course, we all does, but Ben DOCTOR: Was the expert. REUBEN: I'll use the semaphore tomorrow. Likely the police will be wanting to see you. DOCTOR: Oh, very likely. REUBEN: Do you mind? LEELA: What is it for? REUBEN: Shroud. LEELA: What is that? REUBEN: In England we have proper customs. It ain't fitting for a body just to be left. DOCTOR: Reuben, do you think we had something to do with your friend's death? REUBEN: I know what I know, and I know what I think. DOCTOR: Incontrovertible. REUBEN: And don't start talking your own lingo to each other, either. I won't have that. DOCTOR: What are you going to do, clap us in irons? REUBEN: I'm senior in this station now. DOCTOR: Reuben, we're only trying to help. REUBEN: Vince and me will manage, thank you, mister. I'll just go and tend to Ben. DOCTOR: Stubborn old mule. LEELA: Doctor, do you think this creature, whatever it is, will return? DOCTOR: I don't know. LEELA: Well, if it is out on the rocks, we must take weapons and hunt it. DOCTOR: I don't fancy playing tag in the fog with something that can do that. I think I'll go and have a word with Vince. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: A fireball? A fireball? VINCE: Yes. DOCTOR: What time was that? VINCE: A couple of hours ago, just getting dusk. It went into the sea, over there. DOCTOR: How far away? VINCE: A mile or two, near as I could tell. Don't know how big it was, you see. And then the fog came down and it got cold all of a sudden. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I noticed the cold. You're a good lad, Vince. VINCE: Thank you, sir. DOCTOR: Of course, on Pharos they had slaves to keep the bonfires going. VINCE: I suppose it's all different abroad. Didn't know they still had slaves, though. DOCTOR: Oh yes, and I'll tell you something else now. On Gallifrey VINCE: Gallifrey? DOCTOR: Yes, Galli. REUBEN: I'll take over here, boy. Time you got some supper. VINCE: Oh, I'm all right. REUBEN: Long night ahead of us. Expect you'll be tired, mister. DOCTOR: Oh no, not a bit of it. Don't mind me. REUBEN: I, er, stoked the boiler, and made Ben decent. Off you go, boy. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Is someone down there? Ben? [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Reuben! It's Ben! He's walking! [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: What's that? Pull yourself together, boy. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: I tell you, he's not down here now. He's gone! You said he would. You said he wouldn't rest LEELA: Did it come in here? What is the matter? [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: Vince! DOCTOR: Reuben, there's a light out there. REUBEN: What? DOCTOR: There's a light out there. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: The dead do not walk. That is not possible. VINCE: Well all I know is I heard a dragging sort of noise and when I came down here, he'd gone. LEELA: Well, there was something out on the rocks just now. VINCE: Hello? Right. It's Reuben. He says there's a ship off the rocks. She's going to strike. [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: You'm right. Steam yacht, by the look of it. DOCTOR: And going fast. REUBEN: He's a fool to be going at all on a night like this. [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: Warning devices, Vince. VINCE: I got 'em. REUBEN: Take over the siren. She'll strike any minute. [SCENE_BREAK] WOMAN: Help! Please, somebody, help me! MAN: Steer the boat! [SCENE_BREAK] REUBEN: It's too late. They're too close to alter course. She's going to strike!

Plan: A: an isolated rocky island lighthouse; Q: What is the TARDIS near? A: a comet; Q: What strikes the sea? A: the nearby sea; Q: What did the comet strike? A: electrical problems; Q: What problems does the generator have? A: one; Q: How many keepers die? A: Rueben; Q: Who is the eldest keeper? A: Fang Rock; Q: What is the name of the island? A: the Doctor; Q: Who suspects it's something worse than a legend? Summary: The TARDIS lands near an isolated rocky island lighthouse just after a comet strikes the nearby sea and a sudden chilling fog rolls in. Soon after, electrical problems take hold of the generator and one of the keepers dies mysteriously. Rueben, the eldest keeper, thinks it's the return of the legendary Beast of Fang Rock, but the Doctor suspects it's something worse that a legend.

THE TIME MONSTER BY: ROBERT SLOMAN 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM DR. RUTH INGRAM: Surely you don't need to wear anti-radiation gear, professor? MASTER: In case of an emergency, my dear. I may have to join Mr. Hyde in a hurry. (Into intercom.) Report, Mr. Hyde? STUART HYDE: (Over intercom.) Interstitial activity- nil. (RUTH gives off the readings from her unit...) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Molecular structure - stable. Four-o, four-five, five-o. MASTER: Increase in power. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Isolate matrix scanner. STUART HYDE: (Over intercom.) Check. (A strident note appears within the hum of the equipment...) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Six-o, six-five, seven-o, seven-five... MASTER: Increase in power! DR. RUTH INGRAM: It's gone into the second quadrant already, professor. MASTER: I know what I'm doing, doctor. Initiating transfer - now. (He slams home the lever watched by a worried RUTH.) STUART HYDE: (Over intercom.) Ten, nine, eight... [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (The crystal starts to glow with an intense light.) STUART HYDE: (Into intercom.) Seven, six, five... [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM STUART HYDE: (Over intercom.) Four, three, two, one... (The cup and saucer disappear in front of the eyes of the astonished observers. Once again, the hum of the equipment starts to run away. RUTH looks towards STUART in the second room in alarm.) STUART HYDE: (Shouts, into intercom.) I'm getting too much power! I can't hold it! Switch off! DR. RUTH INGRAM: (Shouts.) Turn it off, professor! Turn it off! (The MASTER looks upwards and slams up higher the power lever...) MASTER: Come, Kronos, come! DR. RUTH INGRAM: (Shocked.) Stuart! (She runs over to the window looking onto the second room and sees...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (...STUART grabbing his head in pain and falling backwards as he tries to rip off his hood.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The BRIGADIER rushes to join her at the door and open it.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: No, wait! It's too dangerous! Professor! (But the MASTER has run off. As the equipment hum rises ever higher, she desperately pulls the power lever back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The stable clock shows dead on two o'clock. Once again its chimes are slowed down at a dull clang as Bessie, in an ironic counter to the timepiece, races up to the building at a hurtling speed and stops on an instant.) DOCTOR: Right, Jo. (JO doesn't react.) DOCTOR: Jo? (He looks at her. She is frozen in time in her seat and stares ahead without reacting.) DOCTOR: Oh, good grief! (Unaffected by the slow down of time like the MASTER, he jumps out of the car and starts to run towards the stable block, but in slow motion. As he turns a corner and enters through a doorway, he fails to spot the MASTER, still in his radiation suit, pressed up against a nearby wall in hiding.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The DOCTOR bursts into the laboratory and instantly assesses the situation.) DOCTOR: Cut the power! DR. RUTH INGRAM: (Desperately.) I can't, it won't budge! DOCTOR: Then reverse the polarity! DR. RUTH INGRAM: What? DOCTOR: Reverse the temporal polarity! (RUTH pulls a unit out of the main console, swaps round a circuit and plugs the unit back in. She then pulls the power levers back as the others watch impatiently from the doorway to the second room.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Is it safe to go in? DR. RUTH INGRAM: No, no wait. (DR. COOK tries to assert his authority...) DR. COOK: (Angrily.) What is all this about? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Impatiently.) Oh, for heaven's sake! There's a man in there! (The scream of the equipment is fast dying down.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right, the level should be alright now. (The BRIGADIER runs into the second room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (STUART lies unconscious across the equipment.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor? (The DOCTOR is right behind the BRIGADIER and they lift the man up. An astonishing change has occurred. The previously young man now has snowy white hair and a lined face. Appearance wise, he has aged into his eighties. RUTH has also come into the room and stares in shock at her colleague.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Stuart! DR. COOK: (Angrily.) If this meant to be some kind of a joke... DR. PERCIVAL: (Angrily.) What on earth is going on?! DOCTOR: (To RUTH.) Who is this? DR. RUTH INGRAM: My assistant - but Stuart's only twenty-five! DOCTOR: Twenty-five? But this man's eighty or more? (Freed from the effects of TOMTIT, JO runs into the room.) JO: What's happening, Doctor? Are we too late? DOCTOR: On the contrary, Jo, I think we're just in time. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (STUART has been taken to his room in the institute. On two levels, it is simultaneously a bedroom, living room and kitchen with the only divisions being shelving units. He has been put into his bed in the lower level and, watched over by the DOCTOR and JO, RUTH takes a thermometer out of his mouth and reads the temperature. The BRIGADIER enters.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: How is he? DOCTOR: Well, what he needs at the moment is rest. We'll get him to the hospital later. He must have been a pretty tough youngster. DR. RUTH INGRAM: He was. DOCTOR: Well, lucky for him. Otherwise the shock of the change would have finished him off. JO: But will he be alright? DOCTOR: Yes, he'll survive. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Yes, but how long for, Doctor? He's an old man. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What caused it, Doctor - some sort of radioactivity? DOCTOR: No, it was more than that. JO: A change in metabolism? DOCTOR: Well, that's more like it, Jo, but it still isn't the answer - even if the metabolic rate had increased a hundredfold. DR. RUTH INGRAM: That's impossible. DOCTOR: Well, of course it is. Even if it wasn't, the change in him would have taken...seven or eight months, not eight seconds. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, there's only one thing I know which makes people old... DOCTOR: And that is? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Anno Domini, Doctor - age, the passing of time. DR. RUTH INGRAM: We all know that. DOCTOR: Mmm, congratulations, Brigadier. I think you've provided the explanation. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, glad to be of service. (Puzzled.) What did I say? DOCTOR: "The passing of time." - that's the only possible answer. Stuart's own personal time speeded up so enormously that his own physiological life passed by in a moment. But why? How did it happen? (He crosses to one side of the room, deep in thought.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, the professor might know but he seems to have disappeared. JO: What professor? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Professor Thascales - TOMTIT's his baby. (The DOCTOR spins round.) DOCTOR: Thascales! Really, the arrogance of that man is beyond belief! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, who's arrogance? Doctor, I wish you wouldn't talk in riddles. DOCTOR: Perhaps a classical education would have helped you, Brigadier. Thascales is a Greek word. JO: (To herself.) Thascales? (To the DOCTOR.) I get it - Thascales is Greek for "Master"! DOCTOR: Right, Jo. (STUART starts to stir and moan.) STUART HYDE: Mmm, no... DR. RUTH INGRAM: He's coming round. (Although weakened, he starts to feebly thrash about in the bed.) STUART HYDE: ...oh no, help me, help... DR. RUTH INGRAM: It's alright, it's alright, you're quite safe! STUART HYDE: ...not safe, no, nobody's safe... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Shh! It's alright. STUART HYDE: .. no one's safe - oh, he's here...he... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Shh! STUART HYDE: ...he's here, I saw him, I saw him. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Oh, the poor boy's delirious. STUART HYDE: No, no, no... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Don't try to speak, Stu, just rest. DOCTOR: No, no, let him talk. Who did you see, Stuart? Answer me. STUART HYDE: ...danger, the...the crystal... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Please stop this, Doctor, please? DOCTOR: Look, answer me! Stuart, who did you see? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Go easy, Doctor. STUART HYDE: No...no... JO: Doctor, please? DOCTOR: Be quiet - both of you! (Shouts.) Now answer me - who did you see? Answer me! STUART HYDE: The...K... (He sits up in bed and opens his eyes as he struggles to get the word out, then...) STUART HYDE: (Shouts.) Kronos! (He falls back.) DOCTOR: Kronos? Yes, of course! I should have known. Dr. Ingram, I want you to come with me. I want you to tell me everything that you know about that machine of yours. JO: Shall I come? DOCTOR: No, no, you stay here with Stuart. Phone me immediately he starts talking again. (He heads for the door followed by RUTH and the BRIGADIER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You'd better lock the door behind us, Miss Grant. DOCTOR: Brigadier, don't hang about. I have a job for you too, you know? (They leave as JO starts to minister to STUART.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. UNIT HQ. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE (CAPTAIN YATES is using the BRIGADIER'S desk in his commanding officer's absence. Taking a radio call over an intercom unit on the desk, he scribbles down his instructions.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Newton...Institute...Wootton. Got that, sir. Over. (He presses the button. The reply is filled with static.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Say again, sir, I didn't quite get that, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The BRIGADIER repeats his instructions into his TM45 radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) I said bring some men with you. I feel as naked as a babe in his bath. I'll want light and heavy machine guns. Oh, and Yates? Shove a couple of anti-tank guns in the boot, will you? Over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) You got tanks there, sir? Over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) You never know, Captain, you never know. Over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) Right, sir, and, er, when, sir? I mean - how soon? Over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Oh, the usual, Captain Yates, about ten minutes ago. Oh, Yates, the Doctor wants you to bring his TARDIS with you. Alright? Over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) Right, sir. Out. (At that moment, DR'S PERCIVAL and COOK with PROCTOR in tow, come out of the main door of the house and towards their car and the UNIT jeep.) DR. COOK: I'm sorry, Charles, but the whole thing smells of bad fish, ... DR. PERCIVAL: But I'd take my reputation on the professor's integrity. DR. COOK: You already have, Charles, you already have. A foolish gamble, gone wrong. Now, it's not surprising that you lost. DR. PERCIVAL: Please, Humphrey! DR. COOK: I can see no alternative to a full Whitehall inquiry. I can only hope that we don't have to...parade our dirty linen at Westminster, not to mention Brussels. (The BRIGADIER closes the door of the jeep and approaches them.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Forgive me, Mr. Cook? DR. COOK: (Coldly.) Dr. Cook. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'm so sorry, Dr. Cook. I couldn't help overhearing what you said. DR. COOK: Well? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This affair's no longer in your hands, sir. DR. COOK: I beg your pardon? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This is now a security matter. I've taken over. DR. COOK: You have no right... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupts.) I'm sorry, sir. I've every right - Subsection 3A of the preamble to the Seventh Enabling Act. Paragraph 24G, if I remember rightly. DR. COOK: (Floored.) Oh... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: So, bearing in mind the Official Secrets Act as well, you'll please make certain that you say not a word about today's events to anybody - either of you. PROCTOR: That's all very well... DR. COOK: (Interrupts.) Be quiet, Proctor. (To the BRIGADIER.) You can't possible have sufficient grounds for such high-handed behaviour. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This man, Thascales, he's a dangerous criminal and an escaped prisoner. Sufficient grounds? DR. COOK: Oh, well, er, yes. Come along, Proctor, don't stand about! You'll be hearing from us, Charles. (PROCTOR opens the back door the limousine for his boss who gets in as the driver starts the engine up. PROCTOR climbs in after his boss and the vehicle speeds away. DR. PERCIVAL makes his way back to the house.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh, excuse me, sir? (PERCIVAL seems to ignore him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Shouts.) Dr. Percival? (PERCIVAL turns, rubbing his drawn face.) DR. PERCIVAL: Er...what? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You feeling quite well, sir? DR. PERCIVAL: Yes, yes, of course I am. Oh, this whole matter is... a shock, but...what did you want? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'd like this whole place evacuated of all but essential personnel at once, please. DR. PERCIVAL: I can't think, Brigadier, you have the slightest idea of what you're asking. There are projects in train... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupts.) I'm sorry, sir, but it's absolutely necessary. Now, Sergeant Benton will keep an eye on this machine of yours until the troops arrive. But I can't be held responsible for the consequences unless you do as I ask. DR. PERCIVAL: (Angrily.) Brigadier, you may enjoy playing at soldiers... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupts.) By three o'clock, please, Dr. Percival. (PERCIVAL sees that the BRIGADIER means what he sees and again turns back for the house.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And if the Master contacts you, don't try to hold onto him. Just let me know at once. DR. PERCIVAL: Who? (The BRIGADIER smiles at his own error.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'm sorry. Of course, I mean the professor. DR. PERCIVAL: Well, he'll be miles away by now. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I doubt it. There's no reason why he should know we're onto him. He'll be back. (He strides off leaving a very worried looking DR. PERCIVAL behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (There is a knock on the door of the TOMTIT laboratory. SERGEANT BENTON, on guard, unlocks the door and opens it. RUTH and the DOCTOR walk in.) DOCTOR: Any trouble? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, I've been a bit lonely, but that's all. DOCTOR: Good, good. DR. RUTH INGRAM: But, Doctor, why won't you explain? DOCTOR: Because I must find out whether I'm right - that's why. Now where's the crystal? DR. RUTH INGRAM: It's through here. (She leads him towards the second room. BENTON follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (She opens the door and points to the crystal under the perspex cover.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: There. (The DOCTOR walks over to the unit, pulls off the cover and leans over the trident-shaped crystal.) DOCTOR: The crystal of Kronos! So I am right! DR. RUTH INGRAM: Kronos? Well, that's what Stuart said. Look, Doctor, what is all this about? DOCTOR: Well...it'll be difficult to accept - I warn you. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, try me. DOCTOR: Well, luckily you are already familiar with the idea of stepping outside of space-time. DR. RUTH INGRAM: I've lived with the concept for months. DOCTOR: And I've lived with it for many long years. I've been there. DR. RUTH INGRAM: You have? DOCTOR: Yes, I have. Strange place it is too. Place that is no place...a dangerous place where...creatures love beyond your wildest imagination - Chronovores, time eaters. They swallow a life as quickly as a boa constrictor can swallow a rabbit, fur and all. DR. RUTH INGRAM: (Amazed.) Are you saying that...Kronos is one of these creatures? DOCTOR: I am. The most fearsome of the lot! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (The MASTER sits in a leather-backed chair in the director's office. He drinks a brandy and smokes a cigar as he works on a paper. The door opens and PERCIVAL walks in. He immediately grows agitated.) DR. PERCIVAL: You! What're you doing here? (He starts to look if they have been spotted by anyone in the corridor outside.) MASTER: Now don't panic. Shut the door and come here. (PERCIVAL does so.) DR. PERCIVAL: But they'll find you. MASTER: Not if you keep your head. Why should they look for me here anyway? (PERCIVAL is a figure of indecision and nerves.) MASTER: Look, don't fidget, please! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM DR. RUTH INGRAM: But Kronos was a Greek legend. He was the Titan who ate his children, wasn't he? DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. And what's more, one of those children in the legend was Poseidon, the god of Atlantis. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Are you trying to tell us that the classical gods are real? DOCTOR: Well, yes and no. Extraordinary people, the Atlantians, you know. Even more extraordinary than their cousins in Athens. Huh! Once reality became unbearable for them, they would invent a legend to tame it. DR. RUTH INGRAM: You mean, like the legend of Kronos? DOCTOR: Quite so. Kronos, a living creature, was drawn at a time by the priests of Atlantis, using that crystal as its centre. (He points at the crystal.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: You mean, that...that crystal is the original? The actual crystal from Atlantis? DOCTOR: It is, and your friend, the professor, is trying to use that crystal, as it was used four thousand years ago, to capture the Chronavore. DR. RUTH INGRAM: So that's what you meant when you talked of terrible danger. SERGEANT BENTON: Danger to us, you mean, Doctor, or to the whole world? DOCTOR: Not just danger to our world, Sergeant - or even our galaxy...but to the entire created universe! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (DR. PERCIVAL has not calmed down, in contrast to the MASTER who coolly blows out a cloud of cigar smoke.) DR. PERCIVAL: But suppose somebody should walk in here now and find me talking to you. MASTER: Oh dear, you are a worrier, aren't you?! Come here...closer. (DR. PERCIVAL steps closer to the chair and the MASTER looks up at him with his hypnotic stare.) MASTER: Now look into my eyes. There is nothing to worry about. Everything will be alright if you just obey me. Just obey me... DR. PERCIVAL: (Haltingly.) Obey...I must obey...everything will be alright. MASTER: That's better. (He points at PERCIVAL'S desk.) MASTER: Now you go along there and carry along with your telephoning, and let me get on with my sums. (The thoroughly subdued director crosses to his desk and sits, picking up one of the telephones.) MASTER: You know, it's a long time since I came across a hypnotic subject who turned out to be as good as you are. Hmm! It's just like old times! (He laughs quietly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The DOCTOR, RUTH and BENTON have returned to the first room where the DOCTOR holds a small hand-sensor over the equipment, looking at the readings.) DOCTOR: There are two things I don't quite understand, though? One is the massive power build up that you had, and the second is the strength of the signal that I received on the time sensor. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Yes, but you said yourself it picks up all time field disturbances. DOCTOR: Oh, indeed it does. The strength of the signal was far too strong for an apparatus as crude as this. However... (He stops examining the readings of the equipment in the middle of the room and turns his attention to tall computer unit that stands against the right-hand wall. His sensor gives him a reading.) DOCTOR: Ah... SERGEANT BENTON: Well, what is it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, well I thought it would be around here somewhere. This, Sergeant, is the Master's TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (The MASTER scribbles notes as PERCIVAL makes a phone call.) MASTER: (Mutters.) E to the power of seven, E equals MC cubed. DR. PERCIVAL: Squared. (Into phone.) Er, yes, thank you at once. (He puts the phone down.) MASTER: What? DR. PERCIVAL: E equals MC squared, not cubed. MASTER: (Snaps.) Not in the extra-temporal physics of the time vortex. Oh dear, now you've made me lose my place. You're an interfering dolt, Percival! DR. PERCIVAL: I am sorry. What are you doing? MASTER: Ah, dear, I am trying to find out why we had that massive power build-up. It makes the whole experiment uncontrollable, even the filter didn't prevent it...and logically, it just shouldn't happen. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The same conversation is taking place in the laboratory.) DOCTOR: Logically, it just shouldn't happen. DR. RUTH INGRAM: But it did. DOCTOR: Yes, indeed it did. So, there's only one thing left for us to do. Wouldn't you agree, Sergeant? SERGEANT BENTON: Oh, yes, sure - what, for instance? DOCTOR: Switch on, and take a look for ourselves. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right. (She switches the main unit on as BENTON looks through the closed door into the second room.) DOCTOR: It's reading ten already. DR. RUTH INGRAM: But that's impossible! SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor? Doctor, the crystal's glowing. (The DOCTOR joins him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (He opens the door and looks over at the glowing crystal.) DOCTOR: Sergeant, now you're a strong young man, go in there and pick up that crystal, will you? SERGEANT BENTON: (Shocked.) Doctor! Stuart w... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) It's perfectly safe at this low level, believe me. SERGEANT BENTON: If you say so, Doctor. DOCTOR: I do. (BENTON gingerly walks in. He holds the crystal in his cupped hands and attempts to lift it.) SERGEANT BENTON: It's fixed down. DOCTOR: No, it isn't you know. You can see it isn't. (BENTON tries again.) SERGEANT BENTON: Well, I can't shift it. (The DOCTOR and RUTH come into the room.) DOCTOR: (Thinks.) No...no, of course you can't. Do you know why you can't shift it? Because that crystal isn't really here at all. It's made the jump through interstitial time. Must to be linked to that other crystal all those thousands of years ago. Or rather it is the other crystal. DR. RUTH INGRAM: But then where is the original one? DOCTOR: Where do you think? In Atlantis, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (Thousands of years earlier, just as in the DOCTOR'S dream, a bolt of forked lightning crackles down into the darkened temple of Poseidon, to the shock of a watching child of the temple - a NEOPHITE. Also from the DOCTOR'S dream, a crystal sits in a font-type receptacle and starts to glow. The bare-chested boy runs down from the altar to a nearby figure. He sits at his feet in terror.) NEOPHITE: Holiness! Holiness! Come quickly! The crystal is afire! (The figure is the high priest of the temple - KRASIS. An elderly man, whose long braided brown hair has not lost its colour, he wears a red cloak over his white robes and a gold head-band. In amazement, he approaches the altar as there is another crack of thunder. Delight appears on the old man's face and he starts to whisper reverently.) KRASIS: At last! At last, Kronos, the time is come! And wait your call! (He looks up to the heavens, not realising that he is being watched by a young man stood behind a nearby pillar. He too is bare-chested and wears a white kilt-like robe and wears his dark hair long. The young man - HIPPIAS - watches intently.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (Centuries later, the telephone rings in the laboratory.) SERGEANT BENTON: (In second room.) 'Scuse me, Doctor. (BENTON leaves the DOCTOR and RUTH and returns to the first room, picking up the phone.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Sergeant Benton? (He listens.) Ah, hello, Miss Grant. (Listens.) Yeah, yeah, he's here. (Listens.) Oh, I see. Look, hang on a sec... (He calls through to the second room.) SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor? DOCTOR: (In second room.) Mmm? (He joins the SERGEANT.) SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor, it's Jo. She says Stuart Hyde's coming to. He's in a bit of a state, it seems. DOCTOR: Alright. Tell her I'm on my way. You'd better stay here, Sergeant. SERGEANT BENTON: Right. DOCTOR: You coming, Ruth, er Dr. Ingam? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Ruth will do. (They start off.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Hello, Jo? [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM JO: (Into phone, smiles.) It's alright, I heard. (She listens.) Well, no, no, not scared exactly. Just a bit, well you know - churned up. (Listens.) Yeah, and a merry Michaelmas to you too! (STUART has started to stir on the bed.) STUART HYDE: Kronos.. JO: (Into phone.) Oh, lor', I'm forgetting my patient. See you, Sergeant. STUART HYDE: Krono... (JO puts the phone down and runs over to STUART as the "young" man tries to sit up.) JO: You alright? STUART HYDE: I felt him coming back... JO: Who? STUART HYDE: Kronos. Oh, don't let him touch me... (She tries to push him back down.) JO: It's alright, you're alright. STUART HYDE: Oh, I'm burning...burning... JO: You're quite safe, honestly. Shh, shh... (Whispers.) You're safe. (STUART opens his eyes and looks at her.) STUART HYDE: Who are you? JO: I'm Jo. STUART HYDE: Oh, where am I? JO: You're in your own room. STUART HYDE: Oh, I've got the grand-daddy of all hangovers. Oh, oh... (He raises a hand to rub his eyes and suddenly sees how lined they are.) STUART HYDE: My hands! What...? (He starts to become agitated as JO tries desperately to calm him down.) JO: Well...it's alright... STUART HYDE: What's happened to my hands? JO: It's alright, honestly. STUART HYDE: My mirror? JO: It's a difficult thing to... STUART HYDE: Where's my mirror? JO: There isn't. STUART HYDE: Give me a mirror. JO: Please? I'll get you one later. Come on, now just lie down and... (But STUART leans over to the other side of the bed and grabs a small mirror. He looks at the reflection in shock.) STUART HYDE: Oh, no! No! No! (His head falls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (PERCIVAL sits patiently at his desk as the MASTER finishes scribbling his final calculations.) MASTER: That's o, o, three, five, seven. Point o, o, three, five, seven. Good! DR. PERCIVAL: You've finished? MASTER: Yes, at last. (He stands up.) MASTER: Now, back to the laboratory. DR. PERCIVAL: Yes, well they'll have somebody on guard. MASTER: Ah, yes. You don't happen to know who it is, do you? DR. PERCIVAL: Yes, er, a Sergeant Benton, I think. MASTER: Really? Well, I think I know how to deal with him. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The DOCTOR and RUTH have returned to STUART'S room. He has calmed down and is sat up in bed as he relates his story.) STUART HYDE: It was just after the cup and saucer appeared. I was about to switch off...when it...happened. (He starts to become emotional again at what has happened to him.) DOCTOR: Go on, old chap. Go on, you're doing fine. STUART HYDE: Like...like a tub of flame. All my body was on fire. All my life, all my energy, was...being sucked out of me. DOCTOR: Why did you say Kronos? STUART HYDE: Because that's who it was. DOCTOR: How did you know? STUART HYDE: I just knew. DR. RUTH INGRAM: You mean you heard a voice or something? STUART HYDE: No, I...just knew. DOCTOR: It's a race memory. We all have them. JO: But what is Kronos? Or should I say who? DOCTOR: Later, Jo, later. Go on, Stuart, what else? STUART HYDE: Nothing else until I woke up here. Doc, am I really an old man? Is there nothing you can do, or am I stuck...like this? (The DOCTOR looks apologetic.) DOCTOR: I'm sorry, Stuart. I just don't know. But I promise you that we'll do everything we possibly can to help you. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The phone rings again. BENTON, alone in the room, answers it.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Hello? DR. PERCIVAL: (OOV: Over phone.) Hello, is that Sergeant Benton? SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Yes. DR. PERCIVAL: (OOV: Over phone.) This is the director. The Brigadier wishes to see you back at the house. SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) But I don't get it. The Brigadier wants me back at the house? DR. PERCIVAL: (OOV: Over phone.) Yes, that's right. At once. SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Yes, but that means leaving the lab unwatched. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (The MASTER watches as PERCIVAL makes the call.) DR. PERCIVAL: (Into phone.) Oh, but he said to be sure to lock up. Those were his very words. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone, sighs.) I don't know, Dr. Percival. I mean, you've put me in a bit of a spot. The Brigadier told me to stay here no matter what happened. He'll have my stripes if I don't. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE DR. PERCIVAL: (Into phone.) Er, one minute. (He cups the mouthpiece.) MASTER: What's the matter? DR. PERCIVAL: I don't think he believes me. MASTER: I'm not surprised. I've never seen a more inept performance! Look, tell him to ring the Brigadier for confirmation... DR. PERCIVAL: But you can't... MASTER: (Interrupts sternly.) Do as I tell you! DR. PERCIVAL: (Into phone.) Oh, Sergeant Benton? I suggest you check with Brigadier Stewart yourself. SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV: Over phone.) Where do I do that? DR. PERCIVAL: (Into phone.) Er, oh, you want his number? Er... (The MASTER picks up the second phone and points to the number for PERCIVAL.) DR. PERCIVAL: (Into phone.) Oh yes, I...I think you can contact him on five-three-four. SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV: Over phone.) Five-three-four, right. DR. PERCIVAL: (Into phone.) Yeah...yes, that's right. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM DR. PERCIVAL: (OOV: Over phone.) Goodbye. SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Goodbye. (BENTON starts to dial the number.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (The MASTER picks up the receiver of the second phone and speaks in an exact imitation of the BRIGADIER'S voice...) MASTER: (Into phone.) Lethbridge Stewart? SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV: Over phone.) Hello, Sergeant Benton here, sir. MASTER: (Into phone.) Ah, Benton. SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV: Over phone.) Sir, I've just had the most peculiar phone call. MASTER: (Into phone.) Nothing peculiar about it, my dear fellow. Perfectly simple. I need you over here, on the double. SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV: Over phone.) Right, sir. (The MASTER puts the phone down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (BENTON looks intensely troubled as he puts his phone down. He reaches a decision and pulls the sash window open at the back of the room. He looks through to check the nearby roof arrangement and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE (DR. PERCIVAL looks through his office window to the area near the stable block as the MASTER checks his notes.) MASTER: Well? DR. PERCIVAL: No sign of him. Do you think he...he really will...? Ah, there he is. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (Down below, BENTON comes out of the archway of the laboratory section and walks round the side of the stable block.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE DR. PERCIVAL: It worked! It really worked! MASTER: Of course it worked. Now see if the corridor's clear. (PERCIVAL opens the door and checks outside.) DR. PERCIVAL: Not a soul, professor. (He opens the door open for the MASTER and the two men leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. BACK OF THE STABLE BLOCK (BENTON has climbed onto the roof at the back of the stable block. He checks that he is not watched and, grabbing hold of a fixed ladder and then a drainpipe, climbs across to the open window and back inside the laboratory.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The room is still empty. He crosses it and checks through the window on the other side of the room that overlooks the forecourt.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The MASTER and PERCIVAL come out of a French window in the main house. Checking that they have not been seen, they move urgently towards the stable block.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (Drawing his pistol, BENTON looks round for a hiding place and finally decides to duck down behind the pieces of equipment. He hears PERCIVAL'S whining voice as the two men approach the laboratory.) DR. PERCIVAL: (OOV: In corridor.) ... times. (They enter the room.) MASTER: Time? Soon I shall have the time in the world, literally. DR. PERCIVAL: In an hour or so, the place will be swarming with soldiers. (BENTON shuffles along behind the equipment until...) MASTER: Dr. Percival, you're beginning to irritate me. Now do be quiet. I tell you that nobody and nothing can stop me now. (He can jump up and be between the MASTER and the door. He does so, pointing the pistol.) SERGEANT BENTON: Put your hands in the air, both of you. (The two men freeze.) SERGEANT BENTON: Now get 'em up. (They raise their hands.) SERGEANT BENTON: Now turn around slow...slowly. (The two men turn. The MASTER looks utterly shocked.) MASTER: Well, well, well? The resourceful Sergeant Benton! SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, well, you didn't really think you could fool me with a fake telephone call, did you? It's the oldest trick in the book. MASTER: I underestimated you, Sergeant. How did you know? SERGEANT BENTON: Simple. The Brigadier is not in the habit of calling Sergeant's "my dear fellow". MASTER: Ah, the tribal taboos of army etiquette. I find it difficult to identify with such primitive absurdities. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, well, primitive or not, mate - you're still in the soup without a ladle, aren't you? MASTER: Now, Sergeant, you must let me explain. (His hands still raised, the MASTER takes a step towards BENTON.) SERGEANT BENTON: Keep back! Keep... (The MASTER stands where he is.) MASTER: Yes, of course... SERGEANT BENTON: Keep back. MASTER: Of course, Sergeant. You see, Sergeant Benton, the whole point is that... (He looks over BENTON'S shoulder with a cry of delight.) MASTER: Doctor! What a very time... (BENTON turns to look and the MASTER jumps forward, grabbing the pistol and throwing BENTON back against a locker and the wall. He hits his head and falls.) MASTER: (Shouts.) You're wrong, Sergeant Benton. That is the oldest trick in the book! (He dashes over to the main console and starts flicking switches. The power starts to rise.) DR. PERCIVAL: What are you going to do? MASTER: I am going to bring somebody here who can help me find the power that I need. Without it, I am helpless! DR. PERCIVAL: I don't understand! MASTER: Of course you don't understand! How could you possibly understand? Only one thing stands between me and complete power over the Earth, over the universe itself. Now the one I bring here will show me how to harness that power. Now... (He slams home the two power levers and points PERCIVAL towards the second room.) MASTER: You watch that crystal! [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (PERCIVAL looks through the glass partitions at the crystal as it glows again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (Still watched by HIPPIAS, KRASIS stands with his arms raised before the crystal in the temple, his voice rising...) KRASIS: Lord of life, give me of thy power! Oh, mighty Kronos, lord of death! Give me thy power! Oh, mighty Kronos, lord of life, give me thy strength! (Lighting forks down into the temple.) KRASIS: (Shouts.) Mighty lord, exalted one - I hear and obey! (There is another crash of lightning and KRASIS fades away, to HIPPIAS' amazement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (BENTON starts to stir on the floor. He sits up and starts to edge towards the door. He sees the MASTER and PERCIVAL intently looking through the glass into the second room where a dazzling display of white light starts to flare out. A figure starts to materialise within the light. PERCIVAL turns in shock to the MASTER as, with a crash of thunder, KRASIS appears in the twentieth century.)

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who realizes the Master is trying to harness the power of Kronos? A: the Master; Q: Who is Percival harbouring at the institute? Summary: The Doctor realises the Master is trying to harness the power of Kronos, last of the Chronovores, but is unaware Percival is harbouring him at the institute.

•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] GILES VOICEOVER: Previously... The Scoobies in "Bargaining." ANYA: I think we screwed it up. WILLOW: She's just ... disoriented from being tormented in some hell dimension. Buffy digging out of her grave. Spike in the DoubleMeat Palace. SPIKE: That the kind of demon you are? BUFFY: I don't know why you can hit me, but I am not a demon. Buffy and Willow confronting the Geek Trio in "Gone." BUFFY: So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass? WARREN: We're your arch-nemesises. Buffy and Dawn in the kitchen. BUFFY: Dawn, you need to eat something. DAWN: Thanks for your concern. Dawn leaving. WILLOW: Why is she taking it out on you? Willow and Tara talking. TARA: I don't think this is gonna work. Tara packing her stuff. WILLOW: Are you saying you're gonna leave me? Willow and Rack doing magic. BUFFY: Willow has a problem. Willow and Buffy in the bedroom. WILLOW: No more spells. I'm finished. Spike and Buffy in the abandoned house in "Smashed" SPIKE: I'm in love with you. BUFFY: You're in love with pain. SPIKE: You afraid I'm gonna- Buffy kissing Spike. SPIKE: Things have changed. BUFFY: The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser [SCENE_BREAK] Open in Spike's crypt. Sound of thumping. Pan across the neatly made bed. Sound of panting, more thumping. Sound of Buffy moaning. Pan across the various furniture in the crypt, candles burning on many surfaces, magazines scattered across the floor. Banging and moaning noises continue, sound of crashing and breaking. Pan across Spike's leather jacket and red duster lying on the floor. Moaning noises trail off to heavy breathing. Pan more and discover Buffy and Spike lying side-by-side on top of a pile of Oriental rugs, with another rug strategically draped over their bodies. BUFFY: (panting) Uh ... we missed the bed again. SPIKE: (looks toward the bed) Lucky for the bed. Buffy continues panting, lifts herself up on her elbows and looks at the rug covering her body. BUFFY: Is this a new rug? SPIKE: Mm...no. Just looks different when you're under it. Buffy laughs a little, then looks around. BUFFY: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up. SPIKE: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck. BUFFY: I've been thinking about doing something to my room. SPIKE: (moving closer to her) Yeah? BUFFY: Yeah, I think the New Kids On The Block posters are starting to date me. SPIKE: (chuckles) Well, if you want, I can... Spike stops, looks at Buffy in surprise. SPIKE: Are we having a conversation? BUFFY: What? No! No. (pause) Maybe. SPIKE: Hmm. BUFFY: What? SPIKE: Well, isn't this usually the part where you ... kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering? BUFFY: That's the plan ... (embarrassed) ...soon as my legs start working. Spike grins, leans his forehead against Buffy's arm, then lifts his head and begins running his finger up and down her arm. SPIKE: (whispers) You were amazing. BUFFY: (softly) You got the job done yourself. SPIKE: I was just trying to keep up. The things you do ... (Buffy looks embarrassed. Spike smirks) ...the way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal. Buffy gives a little gasp, jerks her arm away. Spike looks surprised. BUFFY: I'm not an animal. SPIKE: You wanna see the bite marks? BUFFY: You know, it's late, I-I should ... get home before Dawn goes to sleep. Buffy starts looking around under the rug. Spike sighs and lies back. SPIKE: And she's off. Buffy disappears completely underneath the rug. BUFFY: (muffled) Have you seen my underwear? SPIKE: (sighs) What is this to you? This thing we have. BUFFY: (muffled) We don't have a ... thing, we have ... this. (head reappears) That's all. She pulls herself up on her elbows again. Spike does the same. SPIKE: Do you even like me? Beat. Buffy stares at Spike. He just waits. BUFFY: (softly) Sometimes. (looks away) SPIKE: But you like what I do to you. Buffy still doesn't look at him. After a moment Spike turns and reaches for something behind him. Jingling noise. Buffy looks up, and her eyes widen. Spike holds up a pair of handcuffs. SPIKE: Do you trust me? BUFFY: Never. Cut to a basement somewhere. Jonathan and Andrew stand looking at a bunch of boxes on a table. Jonathan pulls out a record: "Frampton Comes Alive!" Andrew looks over, grabs the record away from Jonathan. ANDREW: How can I trust you not to touch my stuff? We see Warren in the background, sitting at a desk doing something. ANDREW: Actually living with supervillains was not part of the deal. JONATHAN: (looking in the boxes) We're on the lam, moron, it's not like we have a choice. ANDREW: This sucks. Couldn't we have at least gotten a lair with a view? JONATHAN: (removes his magic bone from a box) Stop whining! Get your sissy crap out of the way. Jonathan shoves a box onto the floor. ANDREW: Hey, quit it! Andrew grabs at Jonathan. Jonathan points his magic bone at Andrew and makes hand-gestures. ANDREW: Don't you curse me! (grabs for the bone) JONATHAN: Hey, my bone! ANDREW: Ow! They grapple, hitting each other and grunting. Warren hears the commotion and rolls his eyes. WARREN: Hey! The others stop fighting. WARREN: When you girls are done touching each other, the cerebral dampener's ready to be charged. ANDREW: Cool. Jonathan puts down his bone, and he and Andrew walk over to the desk. We see a golf-ball-sized silvery ball on the desk. Warren has put on a pair of red-tinted glasses. The other two put on similar glasses. JONATHAN: Got the thing? ANDREW: (takes out a plastic baggie) Musk gland of a Homja-Maleev demon. Andrew opens the bag and they all react to the smell, making faces. ANDREW: (strained) Fresh. He coughs, takes it out of the bag and hands it to Jonathan. JONATHAN: All right. Stand back. Warren gets up, and the other two move back a bit. Jonathan holds the musk gland in one hand, holds a vial in the other. He uses his teeth to remove the vial's cap, then spits it at Andrew. Close on Jonathan's hands as he sprinkles yellow powder from the vial onto the musk gland. JONATHAN: Doma voluntatem, libera cupidinem, erumpe, ignem, excita. Light suffuses the musk gland, then transforms it into a stream of light and smoke that shoots down to the silver ball, making it glow briefly. Jonathan's hand smokes slightly. JONATHAN: Okay ... ow! Warren reaches over and grabs the silver ball. WARREN: Gentlemen, the cerebral dampener ... is online. (removes his glasses) And with this baby, we can make any woman we desire our willing s*x slave. The others smile tentatively. WARREN: (grinning) I know just where to start. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Amelinda Embry, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Steven S. DeKnight, directed by James A. Contner. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Interior of the DoubleMeat Palace, day. Buffy and coworker Gina are working the counter. Buffy hands a bag of food to a customer. BUFFY: Double meat is double sweet. Enjoy! CUSTOMER: Thank you. The customer takes the food and leaves as Gina gives Buffy a strange look. BUFFY: (defensive) Just something I'm trying. Tara comes up to the counter. TARA: Hey, sorry I'm late. BUFFY: Oh, time has no meaning here. Gina, I'm taking a break. Buffy takes her hat off, starts to move off. Tara gives Gina a fake smile and follows Buffy. Cut to the employee lounge. Close on the wall bearing motivational posters reading "Dedication" and "Productivity." Pan over to Tara sitting in a chair at a long table. Behind her we see more posters: "Cooperation" and "Motivation." Buffy comes over with a paper cup. TARA: I have this sudden urge to dedicate my productive cooperation. Buffy hands her the cup of soda. BUFFY: Well, if you close your eyes and repeatedly smash yourself in the head with frozen meat, it'll go away. (sits) Eventually. I'm hoping. Buffy fiddles with her hands nervously, rubbing her wrists. BUFFY: Thanks for coming by. TARA: (worried) Is it bad? BUFFY: I was sort of hoping you could tell me. TARA: I knew this was gonna happen. What did Willow do now? Did she ... she hurt anyone? BUFFY: Wha... uh, no, no, um... Ta-Tara, this isn't about Willow. TARA: I-I thought that's why you didn't want to meet at the house. BUFFY: Uh, sorry, it's, um ... Willow's fine, uh, she, she's been doing really well. You'd be proud of her. TARA: Good, that's ... that's good. (pause) So, so what do you want to talk about? Buffy continues rubbing her wrists. BUFFY: I-it's Spike. (Tara looking confused) He can hurt me. Close shot on Buffy's hands as she continues rubbing her wrists. Suddenly she realizes it, and quickly moves her hands under the table. BUFFY: Without his head exploding. TARA: Oh my god. Hi-his chip stopped working? BUFFY: No, it still works. Just not on me. (nervous) I-I need to know about the spell. The one that ... brought me back. I, I'd ask Willow, but... TARA: (getting it) You think it's you. BUFFY: I don't know. I feel ... different. There are things... She seems about to make a confession. Tara looks at her, waiting. Buffy chickens out. BUFFY: I-I think ... maybe ... I came back wrong. TARA: (firmly) No, Buffy, that's n-not ... no. You didn't. BUFFY: Can you check out the spell? Just see if there's something that ... Could you just check? Please? Cut to: exterior city street, night. The Geek Trio's van is parked at the edge of an alley. Cut to inside the van. Close shot on a video monitor showing snow. The snow clears, revealing a bar scene. JONATHAN: (OS) Right there! That's got it. We see Jonathan sitting in front of the monitor, wearing a headset. JONATHAN: Mad Dog Two to Mad Dog One. We see Andrew sitting beside Jonathan, also wearing a headset. ANDREW: I thought I was Mad Dog Two. Jonathan gives him a look, rolls his eyes. JONATHAN: Mad Dog *Three* to Mad Dog One. Cut to: interior of the restaurant. Warren stands by the door, wearing a suit and tie. JONATHAN VOICEOVER: (over earpiece) Signal's coming in strong and clear. Over. WARREN: (puts a hand to his ear) Roger that. Beginning preliminary sweep. Warren looks around; we can see the tiny earpiece in his ear. He fiddles with his tie. Close shot on the tie. In the middle of it we see a tiny camera. Cut to the van. The monitor shows the view jiggling a little as Warren fiddles with the tie. The other two geeks watch. Cut back to the restaurant. Warren puts hands in pockets and begins strolling around. The place is full of people, some sitting in booths, some sitting at the bar, talking, drinking, etc. WARREN: (quietly) Keep your potatoes peeled for the Slayer. I don't want any surprises. Cut to the van. ANDREW: We can really have anyone we want. JONATHAN: It's like candy. ANDREW: Juicy, pulsating candy. JONATHAN: Oh! Oh, the one with the neck! Put the whammy on the neck! The screen shows a variety of women sitting and walking. ANDREW: No! The redhead! I want the redhead! Cut back to the restaurant as the redhead walks past Warren. JONATHAN: (over earpiece) The redhead's too tall. ANDREW: (over earpiece) So get a step ladder. No, no, ow! Sounds of scuffling. Warren ignores them, looking around, spotting something. Long shot of Katrina (Warren's ex-girlfriend from "I Was Made To Love You") sitting at a table, drinking wine. ANDREW: (over earpiece) Get off of me! JONATHAN: (over earpiece) Take it back! WARREN: (smiling) Target acquired. Cut to the van. Jonathan has Andrew in a head-lock. They both stop and look at the monitor. JONATHAN: What? Cut to the restaurant. WARREN: Initiating contact. (begins walking forward) Cut to the van. The other two look at the monitor and see Katrina as Warren moves toward her. JONATHAN: The brunette? ANDREW: Oh, she's kinda cute -- (Jonathan tightens his hold) Ow! (looking up at the screen) Oh, no, go for the leather skirt! On the monitor, a girl in a leather skirt walks past Warren. We get a very close look at her cleavage. ANDREW: Oh, bazoombas! Cut back to the restaurant. Warren checks out the cleavage as the girl walks past him. ANDREW: (over earpiece) Go for the one with the bazoombas! JONATHAN: (over earpiece) Yeah, go for the one with the bazoombas. Warren continues looking at Katrina. In the earpiece, the other two begin chanting "Bazoomba, bazoomba." Warren resumes walking toward Katrina. As he walks, he removes the earpiece and drops it into a martini glass on another table. It sizzles as it shorts out. Cut to the van. Andrew and Jonathan scream as their headsets fill with loud feedback. They let go of each other and grab at their ears. Cut back to the restaurant. Warren slides into the chair beside Katrina, who has her head turned away from him. WARREN: So how did you get so beautiful? Katrina laughs sarcastically. KATRINA: Okay, does that line usually work...? She turns and sees Warren, stops smiling. KATRINA: What the hell are you doing here? WARREN: It's nice to see you again too, Katrina. KATRINA: Yeah, it's the seeing you part that's throwing me here, Warren, because I thought I was pretty clear with the never wanting that to happen again. WARREN: Never's a long time, baby. Warren holds up a folded bill between his fingers, gesturing to the bartender. KATRINA: Apparently not long enough. WARREN: Oh, you're not still sore about that thing, are you? The bartender tries to refill Katrina's glass from the bottle of wine, but she puts her hand over the glass to stop him. KATRINA: What *thing* would that be exactly? What, the wind-up slut you tinkered together? Or when Little Miss Nuts and Bolts tried to choke me to death? WARREN: Okay, so I've made a few mistakes. KATRINA: No. No, I did. For ever lowering myself to be with a jerk like you. She gets up. Warren stands too, stopping her. WARREN: Don't say that. KATRINA: Well, what did you expect, to just ... waltz in here and sweep me off my feet with your cheesy lines and fancy suit? WARREN: No, I ju- I just thought ... we could talk. I thought maybe we could work things out. KATRINA: There's nothing to work out. What you did was sick. And just looking at you makes me want to vomit. (gathering up her purse) WARREN: (reaching into his jacket pocket) You sure about that? (puts on his red sunglasses) KATRINA: Yes, god yes, I'm sure. Warren reaches into another pocket, pulls out the Cerebral Dampener and opens his hand. The device flashes with red and yellow sparkly light, then quickly subsides. Katrina looks at it in surprise. Warren puts the device back into his pocket. Katrina looks at him with an odd expression. KATRINA: I love you, Master. Warren grins, takes off the sunglasses. WARREN: I love you, too, baby. Cut to: interior Summers house, night. Angle on the front door from the living room. Soft music. Buffy enters from outside. BUFFY: (calls) I'm home! Who wants to help scrape the grease off my... She puts down her jacket and looks into the living room, looks shocked. BUFFY: (horrified) Is there singing?! Cut to wider shot. Xander and Dawn are dancing in the middle of the room, while Anya and Willow sit on the sofa watching. BUFFY: Are we singing again? XANDER: Nope, just the dancing. ANYA: We're teaching Dawn perfectly synchronized dance steps for the wedding reception. Xander whirls Dawn around into a dip. She giggles delightedly. XANDER: (to Buffy) Wanna go for a spin? BUFFY: Uh, think I'm heading more towards an ungainly collapse. Buffy walks over to sit between Anya and Willow. WILLOW: Aw, rough day? BUFFY: Kinda. XANDER: You've been going at it too hard, Buffy. We hardly ever see you, what with slinging the double meat and pounding the big evil. ANYA: You are looking a little pounded. (Buffy looks insulted) Just around the eyes. WILLOW: Hey, we're thinking of heading to the Bronze later. Wanna come, get all unwindy? XANDER: Tall glasses of frosty relaxation on me. Nectar of the working man. BUFFY: No, thanks. I think I'll stay here with Dawn. (Sound of a car horn honking outside) Curl up on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and- Dawn moves toward the door, picks up her jacket. BUFFY: ...listen to the cars honk? (to Dawn) Where are you going? DAWN: I'm ... sleeping over at Janice's? BUFFY: And I'm falling for that again because of the surprise lobotomy? WILLOW: It's okay, I checked it out. Janice's mom is picking her up. BUFFY: Oh. DAWN: I didn't think you'd care. You're never home, so... Buffy looks contrite, gets up and goes over to Dawn. BUFFY: I know. I'm sorry. You know, but I, I'm here now. All visible and everything. Couldn't you just stay at Janice's another night? DAWN: Her mom's cooking Mexican. She's gonna teach me how to make real tortillas. (softly) Not like I knew you'd be around. The horn honks again. Dawn grabs her stuff and leaves as Buffy stands there looking unhappy. The door closes, and Buffy turns to her friends, giving a small brave smile. BUFFY: Frosty nectar. Now please. Sound of a champagne cork popping. Cut to: close shot on Warren in the new geek lair. He holds up a glass that is being filled. WARREN: Thank you, baby. We see Katrina, now wearing a black-and-white french-maid outfit, filling Andrew's glass from the bottle of champagne. Warren sits nearby as the others are standing. KATRINA: My pleasure, Master. ANDREW: That is so cool. Katrina finishes filling Andrew's glass and steps back, staring ahead of her with a blank expression. We see Jonathan holding his own glass, toying with the Cerebral Dampener. JONATHAN: I really could've used one of these in high school. WARREN: Gentlemen? To crime. Warren holds up his glass. The others hold theirs up too. Katrina continues staring blankly. ANDREW/JONATHAN: Crime! They all drink. Andrew coughs and makes a face. ANDREW: Crime tastes funny. JONATHAN: Wow. (circling around Katrina, checking her out) I still think I would have gone with the bazoombas, but... Shot of Warren watching. Jonathan goes around behind Katrina and comes around the other side, next to Andrew. JONATHAN: ...wow. ANDREW: Yeah, she's ... really cute. WARREN: (offended) Cute? Warren jumps up, goes to Katrina's other side, staring at her. WARREN: Look at her, man! The (pointing) the shape of her lips. The smooth, silky skin. The way her nose- (goofy laugh) the way her nose crinkles when she laughs... (softly) She's perfect. Andrew and Jonathan look at each other and giggle nervously. JONATHAN: Yeah. ANDREW: She's totally hot. KATRINA: (still staring ahead blankly) So are you, Master. ANDREW: (surprised) You think so? KATRINA: Oh yes, Master. Andrew looks taken aback, but excited. Jonathan smiles nervously. JONATHAN: Okay ... so ... how do we ... you know. ANDREW: Who gets to... WARREN: I do. Warren walks around to the side of Katrina closer the other two, and drapes an arm over her shoulders. ANDREW: That's not fair. JONATHAN: Dude, you didn't call it. WARREN: Oh, I don't have to call it, Sparky. She's mine. But don't worry. (takes the champagne bottle from Katrina and gives it to Jonathan) You can play with her all you want ... after I'm done with her. The other two look uncomfortable as Warren and Katrina walk off. Jonathan and Andrew lift their glasses simultaneously and take another sip. Sound of a door closing. Andrew coughs from the champagne. Cut to another room. It's very red: red sheets on the bed, red lava lamp, red wall-coverings. Katrina shoves Warren across the room and pushes him up against the wall hard, begins kissing him passionately. He kisses her back. WARREN: I missed you so much. You never should have left me. (kiss) Say it. KATRINA: (mechanically) I never should have left you, Master. (more kissing) WARREN: Tell me you love me. KATRINA: I love you, Master. More kissing. Katrina keeps her eyes open and her same blank expression while kissing. WARREN: Again. KATRINA: I love you, Master. (more kissing) WARREN: I love you too, baby. (shrugs) Get on your knees. KATRINA: Yes, Warren. She kneels down, out of shot. Warren looks excited for a moment, then pauses. WARREN: Wait, what'd you just say? Shot of Katrina kneeling, looking up at him. Warren's hand is on the back of her head. KATRINA: I said yes, War- She pauses in mid-word, looks confused. Warren looks alarmed. Katrina looks at Warren's hand on her head, shoves it away, looks down at her outfit, looks outraged. KATRINA: What the f- Cut to the other room. Jonathan and Andrew are sparring with plastic light-up Star Wars lightsabers. In background, Warren flies into shot, falling to the floor as if pushed. Katrina comes up behind him, throwing her french-maid hat at him. The others stop and stare. KATRINA: (furious) What did you do to me?! WARREN: Get the Dampener! Jonathan and Andrew quickly drop their toys and rush around looking for the Dampener. KATRINA: Who the hell are you? ANDREW: Um, your masters? KATRINA: My what?! JONATHAN: Where'd you put it?! ANDREW: You had it last! Sound of the other two arguing continues as Warren stands up and Katrina confronts him. KATRINA: Are you kidding me?! WARREN: Get the Dampener! KATRINA: You were gonna share me with these two dorks?! (Warren putting on his red sunglasses) ANDREW: Hey! We're supervillains! Andrew and Jonathan rush over. Andrew wears his sunglasses and holds the Dampener. ANDREW: Call us "Master!" Andrew thrusts his hand out with the Dampener on his palm. Jonathan isn't wearing his sunglasses - he puts his hands quickly over his eyes. JONATHAN: Wait! The Dampener flashes briefly, weakly, and nothing. Katrina just stares at it. ANDREW: Aw, crap. JONATHAN: It's out of juice! KATRINA: (to Warren) Is that what you used on me?! Oh my god! First the skankbot and now this?! What is wrong with you! She shoves Warren in the chest. WARREN: I just, I wanted us to be together! KATRINA: There is no us, Warren! Get that through your big meaty head! I am not your girlfriend anymore! JONATHAN: She's your ex? ANDREW: Dude, that is messed up. KATRINA: Oh, you think? (walking toward the other two) You bunch of little boys, playing at being men. (yelling) Well, this is not some fantasy, it's not a game, you freaks! It's rape! JONATHAN: (stunned) What? ANDREW: No ... we didn't- KATRINA: (crying, and still angry) You're all sick. (points at Warren) And I'm going to make sure you get locked up for this. And then we'll see how you like getting raped. She turns to walk off. WARREN: Stop her! Andrew and Jonathan each grab an arm. Katrina fights back. KATRINA: Get off me! She elbows Andrew in the face, knees Jonathan in the groin. They both go down. Warren rushes over as Katrina starts up the stairs. He grabs her shoulder but she pushes him off. He grabs her again. She rakes her fingernails down his face, drawing blood. Warren yells in pain, but knocks Katrina down, grabs the champagne bottle and hits her over the head with it. She falls down on the stairs and stops moving. Warren steps back down onto the floor. WARREN: Charge the Cerebral Dampener. Jonathan comes over to look. Shot of Katrina's unmoving body lying across the stairs. Andrew comes up behind Jonathan and they both stare. JONATHAN: (shaking his head) Warren... WARREN: Charge the Dampener! Andrew ... get her up. Andrew goes past Warren and up the stairs to look at Katrina. WARREN: We'll give her another dose. (wiping his mouth with his sleeve) A strong one. Jonathan hasn't moved, still staring. WARREN: Everything's all right. Everything's ... gonna be all right. Close on Katrina's head as Andrew touches it and brings his hand away, covered in blood. ANDREW: I don't think so. He turns to look at the others. ANDREW: She's dead. Jonathan looks horrified. Close on Warren as it sinks in. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. Andrew sits on the stairs holding a Kleenex to his mouth. ANDREW: Oh god, oh god, oh god. We see Warren bending over Katrina, examining her. WARREN: Her neck. It just... (looks back at Jonathan) JONATHAN: (shaking his head) No, that's ... not... Warren stands, goes down the stairs to where Jonathan is. JONATHAN: This isn't happening. WARREN: I just, I gotta ... I gotta, lemme think. Andrew continues whimpering softly and saying "oh god." JONATHAN: (tearful) What did you do? What the hell did you do?! Jonathan grabs Warren by his shirt, but Warren grabs Jonathan back and shoves him up against the wall. WARREN: *We* did this. Me, and Andrew, and you. It's on all of us. ANDREW: ...oh god oh god oh god... WARREN: Shut up! Andrew stops talking but begins to cry quietly. WARREN: (lets go of Jonathan) We, uh, we have to get ... we have to get r-rid of it. JONATHAN: How? WARREN: Uh, uh, may-maybe a spell. Can you teleport it out of here? JONATHAN: (looking at the body) No, she's ... (upset) It's too big. WARREN: Andrew. Andrew doesn't respond, still staring at the body. WARREN: Andrew! ANDREW: What? WARREN: Is there any ... thing that you can, uh, summon, something that... (winces, wipes his mouth) something that can devour that much? ANDREW: Maybe a Jarvlen Flesh Eater, but ... they're hard to control. It'd go for us, too. JONATHAN: (upset) Oh, well that's it, man. We're screwed. WARREN: No, we just have to stay calm. JONATHAN: Tell that to your girlfriend! WARREN: Ex-girlfriend! JONATHAN: It doesn't matter! There's a link. You knew her, so there's a link. You don't think Buffy'll be able to put that together? That's what she does, she'll figure it out! ANDREW: It was an accident. Maybe if we turn ourselves in- WARREN: No. JONATHAN: He's right. If we go to the police now- WARREN: I'm not going to jail. JONATHAN: We can't hide this! Sooner or later, the Slayer's gonna find out she's dead. WARREN: (rubbing his chin, thoughtfully) Well, then maybe it should be sooner. JONATHAN: Are you insane? WARREN: Listen to me. JONATHAN: No! WARREN: Listen! (more quietly) We have two problems. The body, and the Slayer. Well, what if there was a way that we could take care of them both ... with one big stone. Andrew stares at Warren, not getting it. Jonathan stares at Katrina. Warren nods, looks from one to the other. WILLOW VOICEOVER: What are they doing? Cut to the Bronze. Willow sits beside Buffy, staring in horror. Shot of Xander and Anya on the dance floor, swing-dancing. The music is retro swing-style. Xander and Anya are really into it, having fun. WILLOW: We're not going to have to do that at the wedding, are we? 'Cause there's this last thread of dignity I've been desperately clinging to. BUFFY: You're still doing okay, right? WILLOW: Yeah. You know. Some days are harder than the really hard days. It's easier like this, though, when I'm not alone. BUFFY: (contrite) I'm sorry I haven't been around that much. WILLOW: No, that's not -- it's okay. We know you've been all tied up. Buffy startles at this, looking guilty. BUFFY: What? WILLOW: With your job, and the slaying. Buffy nods, relieved. Xander and Anya come over. XANDER: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing. ANYA: Come share in the joy of our groove thang. WILLOW: And despite that, I succumb to the beat. (getting up) BUFFY: I think I'll catch the next Soul Train out. XANDER: You sure? BUFFY: Oh, yeah, you know, (holding up her empty plastic cup) glass all the way empty. More nectar required. XANDER: Cool, well, shimmy on out when you're done lubricating. Buffy smiles widely and watches the others go out onto the dance floor. They begin to dance, having lots of fun. Buffy's smile slowly fades and she looks pensive. Cut to Buffy walking over to the bar. She puts her empty cup on the bar and waits for the bartender a moment, then changes her mind, turns and walks away, leaving the cup behind. By the way, she is wearing a white sleeveless blouse and a short lacy black skirt. Buffy goes to the stairs and begins climbing toward the balcony. The swing music fades away to a slower, sad piece. The balcony is basically deserted. Buffy leans on the railing and looks down. Shot of the dance floor full of happy dancing people, including the Scoobies. Buffy watches them, with a sad smile. SPIKE: (O.S.) You see ... you try to be with them... Spike walks up behind Buffy. SPIKE: ...but you always end up in the dark ... (whispering in her ear) ...with me. He moves up right behind Buffy, looks where she's looking. Shot of the Scoobies from Buffy's POV. SPIKE: What would they think of you ... if they found out ... all the things you've done? He puts his hand on her bare shoulder and strokes slowly down her arm. SPIKE: If they knew ... who you really were? His hand moves down to her elbow and then farther down, out of shot. Close on Buffy's face. BUFFY: (whispers) Don't. SPIKE: Stop me. Close on Spike's hand as it travels down Buffy's thigh. Close on Buffy's face as she closes her eyes. Close on Spike's hand pulling her skirt up. Close on Buffy's face as she breathes heavily in pleasure. Close on Spike's face making a similar expression of pleasure and looking at Buffy's face. Close on Buffy's face still with her eyes closed. Wider shot of the two of them from the waist up. Spike gives a strong thrust and they both gasp slightly. Buffy still has her eyes closed. Spike leans in to look at her face. SPIKE: No ... don't close your eyes. She opens her eyes. SPIKE: Look at them. Shot of the Scoobies dancing on, oblivious. SPIKE: That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Close shot on Spike's face as he continues moving slowly and talking into Buffy's ear. SPIKE: Look at your friends ... and tell me ... you don't love getting away with this... (Buffy still watching her friends) ...right under their noses. Close on Buffy's face as she looks down at her friends. Cut to: street scene, day. Xander and Willow walking past the coffee-shop and toward the Magic Box. Xander groans and limps. XANDER: Oh! I think I pulled a jive muscle last night. WILLOW: (chuckles) The Funky Monkey claims another victim. They reach the door to the magic shop just as Tara comes out, holding a large magical book. WILLOW: (surprised) Tara. What are you doing here? I mean ... uh, it's okay for you to be here if you have things that ... you have to be here for. XANDER: Yeah, I'm gonna go bring Anya up to speed on that monkey situation. Xander gives Tara a friendly smile as he passes her. She smiles back briefly. Xander goes into the store. TARA: (to Willow) There's a monkey problem? WILLOW: Only if you don't stretch first. (looking at Tara's book) The Brekenkrieg Grimoire? Light reading? TARA: Uh, yeah, I was just... WILLOW: No, it's okay. I, I didn't expect you to stop doing magic just because ... You don't have to hide it. I'm not - I'm, I'm doing better. No spells for thirty-two days. (Tara smiles) I can even go to the magic shop now. As long as someone's with me at all times. But, uh, but it's better now, it really is. You know, if you were checking on me. TARA: No, I wouldn't ... I was just looking for Buffy. WILLOW: Oh. Well, I-I haven't seen her since last night. She's not around much these days. We kinda miss her. TARA: I'm sure she feels the same way. If you see her, c-can you tell her that I need to talk to her? It's important. WILLOW: Yeah. Of course I will. TARA: Thanks. Tara starts to walk off, pauses, turns back. TARA: Will? I'm ... I'm glad you're doing better. They look at each other. Tara gives a little smile, turns and walks away. Willow stands there looking sad. Cue slow sad music ("Out Of This World" by Bush). Cut to: graveyard, night. Buffy walks along, holding a stake. She wears a brown turtleneck sweater, a black jacket, and black leather gloves. When we die we go into the arms of those that remember us Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike stands with his shirt unbuttoned, smoking a cigarette and pouring a glass of blood. He takes a pinch of some herb from a jar and sprinkles it in the blood, picks up the glass. We are home now Spike pauses as if hearing, or sensing, something. He looks toward the door, smiles. Out of our heads Cut to exterior shot of the crypt. Buffy walks up. Out of our minds Out of this world Cut to inside. Spike walks over to the door, puts his hands on it and presses his body against it. Out of our time Cut to outside. Buffy stands right up next to the door, lifting her gloved hand to it. Are you drowning or waving I just want you to save me Cut to inside. Spike runs his hand up the door as if caressing it. Cut to outside. Buffy has her hand on the door in the same spot as Spike's. Should we try to get along Just try to get along Cut to inside. Spike is still pressed up against the door, eyes closed, and breathing faster with excitement. So we move Spike pulls the door open and walks out. We change by the speed of the choices that we make No sign of Buffy. Spike frowns, looks around. Pan across the assortment of gravestones. And the barriers are all self-made Spike frowns, sighs. That's so retrograde... Cut to another part of the graveyard. Buffy walks along, under trees. The music fades out. BUFFY: (to herself) Don't think about the evil bloodsucking fiend. Focus on anything but the evil bloodsucking fiend. Sound of a woman screaming. Buffy looks upward. BUFFY: Thank you! She breaks into a run. Cut to a nearby part of the forest. Long shot of a woman running, with two figures chasing. One appears to be wearing a robe, the other dressed in regular clothes. Buffy flies into the scene and tackles the figure in the robe. She falls to the ground and the other person is gone. Not escaped, just gone. Buffy looks around, stands up. She appears to be alone in the forest. BUFFY: Huh? Buffy looks around. No one in evidence. Whooshing noise, sound of whimpering. Buffy whirls around. A few yards away she sees Katrina lying on the ground, crying, hands over her ears. Her back is to Buffy. Buffy takes a few steps closer. BUFFY: It's okay. I'm going to get you out of here. Can, can you walk? Are you hurt? Whooshing noise. Buffy looks around. Katrina is gone. Sound of weird voices whispering. CREEPY VOICES: What did you do? What did you do? Buffy... Buffy... Buffy puts her hands over her ears, looking around anxiously. SPIKE: (OS) Ow! Whooshing noise. Suddenly Spike is lying on the ground in front of Buffy, his lip bleeding. SPIKE: Bloody hell, what'd you do that for? BUFFY: (confused) Spike? Whooshing noise. Buffy looks to her right just in time to see a demon in a blue robe attacking her. He hits her in the face. Cut to wider shot and we see that there are three demons. Two are attacking Buffy as the third is fighting with Spike right next to her. In foreground we see Katrina lying on the ground. Spike ducks a swing and grabs his demon around the waist. Buffy hits a demon in the face, then kicks him. Spike has his demon by the head and twists, breaking its neck. We see that Spike is in vamp-face. SPIKE: Buffy! Buffy turns from one demon to see the other behind her. He hits her in the face. Everything goes blurry. Whooshing noise. Scene change. Buffy looks around. She's standing in an empty clearing. Spike approaches, with no bloody lip. BUFFY: Spike. What's happening? SPIKE: So you thought you could just slip away, then? Vampire, remember? He walks up close to her as she frowns in confusion. SPIKE: I could feel you. Whooshing noise. Scene change: we're back in the demon fight again. Buffy blocks a punch, punches a demon and continues fighting him. Cut to wider shot. The second demon is on the ground near Katrina, but now gets up to attack Buffy. Buffy turns to punch the second demon. Whooshing noise. The scene changes again mid-punch and Buffy ends up punching Spike instead. We see Katrina running past. Spike lands on his butt in front of Buffy, his lip bleeding again. SPIKE: Ow! Bloody hell, what'd you do that for? Katrina goes past them, crying. She stops a few feet away and lies down on the ground still crying. Buffy stares in confusion. A patch of empty air begins to shimmer and the three demons appear, charging forward. Buffy turns and begins fighting two of them as Spike takes the third. Buffy punches one demon and he goes down next to Katrina, as Buffy continues fighting the other. The second demon gets up and Buffy swings at him. Whooshing noise. The scene changes again and Buffy ends up swinging at empty air. She looks around. Whooshing noise. Something hits Buffy in the face. Whooshing noise. Buffy holds an unconscious or dead demon in her arms. Whooshing noise. Close shot on a demon's face as he punches Buffy. Buffy's head goes back, blurry. Another scene change. There's a dead demon on the ground behind her. In front of her, Spike is fighting the third demon. SPIKE: Buffy! Buffy whirls around, takes a punch to the face, kicks and punches the second demon until he goes down. A hand grabs Buffy's shoulder and she whirls, still in fight mode, backhanding Katrina. We see Katrina go flying back and over the edge of a hill, falling to the ground and rolling down the hill. Buffy watches this in horror. Behind her Spike is still fighting the third demon. Buffy runs down the hill after Katrina. Spike is straddling the third demon and gives it what looks like a final punch. He starts to get up. SPIKE: Buffy! The demon grabs Spike's jacket and pulls him back down. Now the demon is straddling Spike and trying to punch him. SPIKE: Do you mind? Spike punches the demon so hard his fist goes through its chest and is visible underneath the back of its robe. The demon makes a face of extreme pain. Spike shoves it off him, gets up and rushes down the hill. At the bottom of the hill Buffy is kneeling beside Katrina, staring at her. Spike reaches the bottom and goes over to them. SPIKE: Buffy? BUFFY: She's dead. Shot of Katrina's lifeless body. BUFFY: I killed her. Spike frowns. Long shot of the three of them in tableau, seen through some tree branches. Shot of Katrina standing beside a tree, peering through its branches at the tableau. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. Buffy stares in shock at Katrina's corpse. Spike looks around nervously. SPIKE: We have to go. BUFFY: (to herself) What happened? (Shot of Katrina's dead body) SPIKE: There's nothing you can do now. We have to go before someone sees you. BUFFY: (whispering in horror) What did I do? SPIKE: We have to go, now! Spike grabs Buffy by the arms and drags her to her feet and away. Cut to another part of the forest. Spike is pulling Buffy by one arm. She is still in shock. They go around a tree and stop. SPIKE: All right. Listen to me. Buffy. (shakes her) Buffy! BUFFY: She's dead. SPIKE: It was an accident. BUFFY: I killed her. SPIKE: I'm gonna get you home. BUFFY: No! SPIKE: (firmly) I'm gonna get you home, and you're gonna crawl in your warm comfy bed and stay there! (softer) We're gonna sort this out. Trust me. Buffy stares at him in anguish. Cut to a view of this scene on a monitor. It beeps and zooms in closer, clearly showing the upset look on Buffy's face. WARREN: (O.S.) Two problems... Cut to a shot of Warren and Andrew as they sit side-by-side in the van looking at the monitors. The scratch marks on Warren's face are still evident. Warren makes a triumphant gesture. WARREN: ...one stone. The door opens. They both turn to look as Katrina climbs in and leans against the counter. There's a bruise on her cheek from where Buffy hit her, and her mascara is running down her face. WARREN: Nice job. She totally bought it. KATRINA: (sarcastic) Yeah. Katrina shimmers and transforms into Jonathan. JONATHAN: (sarcastic) Some of my best work. ANDREW: What happens now? We see that Jonathan has the mascara streaks and the bruise. JONATHAN: (bitterly) Well, the night's young. Gotta be some more girls we could kill. WARREN: We stick to the plan! Buffy thinks she killed Katrina. Well, it's her problem now. Cut to Buffy's bedroom. Buffy lies in bed, asleep but tossing and turning. CREEPY VOICES: (whispering) What did you do... Buffy... What did you do... Buffy turns over restlessly, lying on her side facing the edge of the bed. SPIKE: (O.S.) It's all right, luv. Spike appears behind her, sliding under the covers, naked. He moves up behind her. Buffy opens her eyes, frowns. SPIKE: Shh, it's all right. It'll be our little secret. Spike kisses her bare shoulder. Buffy turns to face him, grabs his head and kisses him passionately. She rolls him over so that she's on top of him. Cut to: Spike's crypt. Shot of Buffy's head and bare shoulders, sitting up, eyes closed in pleasure, moving rhythmically. She opens her eyes and looks down. Shot of Spike lying underneath her, on the bed, looking up at her with an expression of pleasure, with his hands stretched up above him. We can see Buffy's hands resting on his chest. Buffy continues to move on top of him, leans forward. She runs her hands up Spike's arms and we see that his wrists are handcuffed together above his head. Buffy slides her hands up to just below where the cuffs are. Shot of Buffy's face as she throws her head back in pleasure. Flash-cut to Buffy in the forest throwing a punch. Cut to Buffy in the forest straddling Katrina, holding Katrina's hands which are cuffed together. Buffy throws Katrina's hands down onto the ground above Katrina's head. Katrina lies underneath Buffy, looking up at her. BUFFY: Do you trust me? Katrina suddenly smiles. Then she makes an expression of pleasure and moans, but in Buffy's voice. Cut to Buffy and Spike in his crypt, lying on the floor under the rugs, moving fast, with Spike on top. Buffy moans in pleasure. Cut to Buffy in the graveyard punching Katrina. Cut to the head-shot of Buffy straddling Spike on his bed. She lifts her hand, holding a stake. Shot of Spike lying underneath her, his eyes closed as if sleeping. Buffy thrusts down with the stake. Cut to the forest. Buffy is straddling Katrina who lies with her eyes closed and the stake protruding from her stomach. Katrina's eyes pop open. But they are the bright blue color of Spike's eyes. Cut to Buffy in her own bed as she wakes up from this nightmare. She is still wearing the turtleneck and is lying on top of the bed-covers. She sits up, panting and looking around. Cut to Dawn's bedroom. Dawn lies in bed sleeping, with a teddy bear beside her. Buffy walks in, wearing a brown leather jacket over her turtleneck. She stands and looks at Dawn. Then sits on the bed beside her, puts a hand on Dawn's arm. Dawn slowly wakes up. BUFFY: Hey. DAWN: (sleepy) What time is it? BUFFY: It's late. I just wanted... Beat. Dawn frowns sleepily. BUFFY: I love you. You know that, right? Dawn looks alarmed, sits up. DAWN: What's wrong? BUFFY: I know I haven't been everything I should be ... everything Mom was... (Dawn still looking scared) ...but I love you. (tearful) I always will. DAWN: Why are you talking like this? Buffy? BUFFY: There was an accident. In the woods. A girl ... she was hurt. I hurt someone. DAWN: Oh my god. Is she all right? BUFFY: (almost crying) No. Dawn looks shocked. BUFFY: I'm sorry. Dawn hugs her. BUFFY: There's something I have to do. I have to tell what I did. I have to go to the police. DAWN: (pulls back from the hug) The police? BUFFY: Dawnie, I have to. DAWN: But ... what's going to happen? BUFFY: I don't know. DAWN: (upset) They'll take you away. Won't they. BUFFY: I'm sorry. (looks down) DAWN: No, you're not. (Buffy looking surprised) You're never here. You can't even stand to be around me. BUFFY: That is not true. DAWN: (almost crying) You don't want to be here with me. You didn't want to come back. I know that. You were happier where you were. (crying) You want to go away again. BUFFY: Dawn... DAWN: Then go! You're not really here anyway. Dawn gets out of bed and runs out. Buffy sits looking upset. Cut to: exterior police station, night. Cop cars parked out front, various officers going in and out. Pan across the building to an alley beside it. Buffy appears in the alley mouth, walking slowly. SPIKE: (O.S.) What do you think you're doing? BUFFY: (keeps walking) The right thing. For once. Spike hurries up behind her, grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her back into the alley. Buffy struggles. He spins her around and throws her to the ground. SPIKE: Sorry, luv. (Buffy getting up) Can't let you do that. BUFFY: I have to tell them what happened. SPIKE: Nothing happened. BUFFY: (surprised) I killed that girl. SPIKE: Demons in the woods? Time going wonky? They won't believe you. BUFFY: I'll show them. SPIKE: (coolly) Show them what? Buffy's expression turns to anger as she realizes what he's saying. BUFFY: What did you do? SPIKE: I took care of it. BUFFY: (very angry) What ... did you do?! SPIKE: (firmly) What I had to. I went back and I took care of it. It doesn't matter now. No one will ever find her. COP #1: (O.S.) Where'd they find her? Cut back to front of the police station. Two cops emerge and rush toward a car. COP #2: The river. She washed up half a mile from the cemetery. Cut back to the alley. Spike and Buffy have heard this. Spike rolls his eyes in disgust. SPIKE: Oh ... balls. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. The police car zooms past the alley mouth, lights flashing, siren wailing. Both Buffy and Spike speak with urgency. SPIKE: There still isn't anything to connect this to you. BUFFY: It doesn't matter. SPIKE: It wasn't your fault! BUFFY: I killed her! SPIKE: It was an accident. It just happened. BUFFY: Nothing just happens. Buffy starts to walk toward the alley mouth. Spike grabs her arm. SPIKE: You're not going in there. BUFFY: I have to do this. Just let me go. SPIKE: I can't. I love you. BUFFY: (upset) No, you don't. SPIKE: (harshly) You think I haven't tried not to? Buffy hauls off and punches him in the face. Spike goes flying back into a couple of garbage cans, against the wall of the next building. BUFFY: Try harder. She starts to leave again but Spike is suddenly behind her, in vamp-face. He grabs her and again throws her to the ground farther up the alley. SPIKE: You are not throwing your life away over this. BUFFY: It's not your choice. SPIKE: Why are you doing this to yourself? BUFFY: (tearful) A girl is dead because of me. SPIKE: And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale. BUFFY: That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body! SPIKE: (sighing) Buffy- She attacks him. He blocks a couple of punches but then she gets in and hits him in the stomach. BUFFY: You can't understand why this is killing me, can you? SPIKE: Why don't you explain it? She hits him a few more times. He takes it, not fighting back. SPIKE: Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me. (She kicks him) That's my girl. BUFFY: (yelling) I am not your girl! She hits him hard. He falls back onto his butt. Buffy gets on top of him and begins hitting him over and over. BUFFY: You don't ... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never ... be your girl! She continues hitting him throughout this. Now Spike goes back to human face. He's looking very bruised and bloody, but he doesn't fight back, just takes it. Buffy hits him again and again, looking angry and desperate. Finally she stops and looks at him in horror. SPIKE: (slurred) You always hurt ... the one you love, pet. Buffy gets up, stares at him, looking dismayed. SPIKE: Buffy? She looks around, then her expression turns to determination. She starts to walk toward the mouth of the alley. Close on Spike lying on the ground as Buffy's legs move past him. He tries to reach for her but can't. SPIKE: Buffy... Cut to: interior police station. Buffy walks in, looks around. Various officers and other people walking around, sitting, etc. Buffy pauses, sees the front desk, walks toward it. We see the desk sergeant talking on the phone. DESK SERGEANT: (into phone) No, no statements. Not until I get confirmation. BUFFY: (timidly) Excuse me. I-I need to... DESK SERGEANT: Uh, I'll be with you in a sec. He pushes a button for another phone line. DESK SERGEANT: (into phone) Sunnydale PD. Yeah, the phone's ringing off the hook here. Buffy turns away, uncertain. She takes a few steps away, as we can still see the desk sergeant in the background. DESK SERGEANT: Listen, you got an ID on that body yet? (Buffy closes her eyes in pain) Yeah? Okay, shoot. Close on the cop as he grabs a pen and writes. DESK SERGEANT: Katrina ... Silber. S-i-l-b-e-r. Back to Buffy whose expression changes to a frown as the name triggers recognition. KATRINA VOICEOVER: Warren, just tell her to go away. WARREN VOICEOVER: I can't. Flashback to "I was Made to Love You." Katrina and Warren stand in the doorway of the apartment while Buffy stands on the front step. KATRINA: You're keeping secrets from me. Other girls, and who knows what else! WARREN: Trina ... shut up. Flash to present. BUFFY: (to herself) Warren. Close on the desk sergeant. DESK SERGEANT: (into phone) Thanks. (hangs up) Now what's the problem, Miss... He trails off in confusion. Long shot of Buffy's back as she disappears through the door. The cop shrugs. Cut to: magic shop, day. Close on an open book showing a drawing of one of the demons from the forest. ANYA: (OS) Is this what you saw? We see Buffy sitting at the table. In background, we see Dawn sitting on the stairs that lead to the loft. BUFFY: Yeah, that's it. We see Xander and Willow sitting at the table as well, and Anya standing beside it. ANYA: Mm. The Rwasundi. Very rare. Um, its presence in our dimension causes a sort of ... localized temporal disturbance. BUFFY: So that's why time went all David Lynch? ANYA: Right. Uh, human perception is based on a linear chronology. Being exposed to the Rwasundi for more than a few seconds can cause, uh, vivid hallucinations. And a slight tingly scalp. (sits) WILLOW: So that's it. These things just made you think you killed her. XANDER: She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her. BUFFY: It wasn't the demons. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it. WILLOW: How can you be sure? BUFFY: You always hurt the one you love. Buffy pauses, contemplating this. DAWN: (sullen, not looking at Buffy) Does this mean you're not going away? Buffy gets up and walks toward Dawn. BUFFY: Yeah. I'm not going anywhere. Dawn quickly gets to her feet and exits before Buffy can reach her. Buffy looks upset. She turns back to the Scoobies as the door to the back room closes behind Dawn. BUFFY: We need to find Warren, and the others. Whatever they've done, they're not gonna get away with it. Cut to the Geeks' new lair. They are gathered around a computer with Warren in the middle, working the keyboard. WARREN: We're gonna get away with it. (pointing at screen) "Injuries consistent with a fall." Close on the screen. It reads in part: CONFIDENTIAL FILES Coroners Summary Report Ruling: SUICIDE Coroner: Willard Batts February 01, 2002 @ 0127 hrs. Victim sustained injuries consistent with a fall. Twenty-one year old Katrina Silber's death appears to have been caused by an accidental drowning or suicide. Cut back to shot of the three geeks looking at the screen. WARREN: The coroner's ruling it a suicide. JONATHAN: What about Buffy? WARREN: Well, it wasn't that hard messing her game up. If she figures it out ... we'll take care of her. ANDREW: We really got away with murder. Warren looks at Andrew, smirking. We see that the scratches on Warren's face are healing. ANDREW: That's ... kinda cool. Andrew grins a little. Jonathan looks at the other two, looks uncomfortable. Warren turns his smirk to Jonathan. JONATHAN: (weakly) Yeah. Cool. BUFFY VOICEOVER: Are you sure? Cut to Buffy's house, living room. Buffy sits on the coffee-table facing Tara, who sits on the sofa. TARA: I-I've double checked everything. (smiling) There's nothing wrong with you. BUFFY: Then why can Spike hurt me? TARA: Well, I said that there was nothing wrong with you, but ... you are different. Shifting you out of ... f-f-from where you were ... funneling your essence back into your body ... i-it, it altered you on a basic molecular level. Probably just enough to confuse the sensors or whatever in Spike's chip. But it's all just surfacey physical stuff. It wouldn't have any more effect than ... a bad sunburn. Buffy looks close to tears as she contemplates this. BUFFY: I didn't come back wrong? TARA: No, you're the same Buffy. (lightly) With a deep tropical cellular tan. BUFFY: You must have missed something. Will you check again? TARA: (concerned) Buffy, I-I promise, there's nothing wrong with you. BUFFY: There has to be! This just can't be me, it isn't me. (starting to cry) Why do I feel like this? Why do I let Spike do those things to me? TARA: You mean hit you. Buffy meets Tara's eyes, but only for a moment, then looks away. Tara frowns as she begins to get it. TARA: Oh. Longer shot of the two of them. Tara rubs her knees nervously. TARA: Oh, huh. Really. BUFFY: He's everything I hate. He's everything that ... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when ... Don't tell anyone, please. TARA: I won't. BUFFY: (crying) The way they would look at me ... I just couldn't... TARA: I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that. BUFFY: (whispers) Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in? TARA: (concerned) Do you love him? Buffy just stares at her tearfully. TARA: I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're... BUFFY: (still tearful) What? Using him? What's okay about that? TARA: It's not that simple. BUFFY: It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please... Buffy starts to cry for real now. BUFFY: Please don't forgive me, please... (sobbing) Please don't... She slides off the table onto the floor, kneeling, putting her head in Tara's lap. Tara looks uncertain, puts her hands comfortingly on Buffy's head. BUFFY: (sobbing, muffled) Please don't forgive me... Tara strokes her hair gently as she continues crying. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.

Plan: A: Warren; Q: Who tries to make his ex-girlfriend his sex slave? A: magic; Q: What does Warren use to try to make Katrina his sex slave? A: a curse; Q: What does Warren use to make Buffy think she killed Katrina? Summary: Warren tries to make his ex-girlfriend Katrina his sex slave using magic, but when she fights back, he kills her. Afraid of getting caught, he convinces Jonathan and Andrew to help him use a curse to make Buffy think that she killed Katrina.

(Open: Shooting range, several people firing at targets. Pan across to Booth firing shots in quick succession. He pauses. A man nearby spots him and lifts his protective head gear.) CARSON: Hey, Booth, right? BOOTH: Huh? CARSON: You're a legendary shot, man! I'm Carson. BOOTH: I'm concentrating. CARSON: Heard you could shoot a hole through the middle of a dime on the run. (Booth puts his earpiece back in, clearly not in the mood to converse. He fires more shots, and then presses the button to bring the target towards him. The shots are haphazard; inaccurate. Not what he had been hoping for.) CARSON: 'Scuse me. Obviously got the wrong guy. (Booth looks shocked and confused.) (Cut to: Sweets' office. Sweets is packing away his paperwork. Booth enters.) BOOTH: Aw, great, I was worried you'd be gone. SWEETS: Uh, almost gone. BOOTH: Well, almost is almost, so - if I ask you a question, can you answer it in plain language? SWEETS: Yeah, I'll do my best. (They sit down.) BOOTH: Great. So, uh... (Sweets picks up a notepad and pen, preparing to take notes. Booth laughs somewhat frustratedly.)... okay, what's our deal? SWEETS: Our deal? BOOTH: Yeah, yeah, what... what are you? FBI shrink, friend, objective observer? SWEETS: Oh oh oh, you wanna know my primary role, okay. Well, that depends upon a number of factors. BOOTH: Sweets! Plain language. SWEETS: The FBI hires me to evaluate agents - you're an agent. BOOTH: So, FBI first, me second. SWEETS: No! No no no, Agent Booth, that's not what I meant. BOOTH: (his phone rings) It's okay, Sweets, I get it. SWEETS: Please, let me finish! BOOTH: You just called me 'Agent Booth', that says it all, 'Dr Sweets'. Y'know, I learned the importance of vocabulary choices from you, and I gotta go catch a murderer. (Booth exits.) SWEETS: ...Booth. (He throws his pad down in frustration.) (Cut to: Crime scene, road collapse. Booth and Brennan exit Booth's car, Brennan putting on her gear.) BRENNAN: Why aren't you cracking wise? BOOTH: Why? Because it's not 1945. BRENNAN: Shall I start making jokes? BOOTH: Just let it flow naturally, okay Bones? BRENNAN: Well I've noticed in the past when you're grumpy, your mood tends to elevate when you tell me about it. BOOTH: Just had a bad day on the range. BRENNAN: Is that a cowboy metaphor? BOOTH: No, it's... this week I have to re-certify as a marksmen, and I - I don't know if I'm gonna make the grade! BRENNAN: Well, obviously you need more practice. BOOTH: Maybe this is all because of my brain tumor. BRENNAN: Highly unlikely, given aiming a firearm involves your cerebellum and occipital lobe, while your brain tumor is temporal parietal. Perhaps you should speak to Sweets. BOOTH: Meaning what, that this is psychological? (Brennan tilts her head and her expression indicates that this is a possibility.) BOOTH: No, I-I can't talk to Sweets! BRENNAN: Why not? BOOTH: Why? Because he works for the FBI, he's gonna be along telling the Bureau that I'm all loopy doopy doopy, I can't have that - (They meet Officer Novarro on the street.) - sinkhole? NOVARRO: Oh, no thanks, I already got one. That's it over there, big sucker. (Brennan is amused; Booth, not so much.) BOOTH: Now let's not do that right now, Officer Novarro. NOVARRO: All business FBI, gotcha. Road collapsed about four am, broken water main. Took a car down with it, nobody got hurt. Mostly pumped out now. BRENNAN: Then why are we here? (The road collapse becomes apparent, with a ladder leading down to where the body was found.) NOVARRO: Because you're the bones people, right? We've got bones! BRENNAN: Woah, they're green! That is very interesting. (She begins to climb down the ladder.) BOOTH: Be careful, Bones. NOVARRO: They don't look right, if you ask me. BOOTH: Why, because they look so green? NOVARRO: Get closer. That's not all that's wrong with 'em. (Booth climbs down the ladder, but doesn't join Brennan at the bottom.) BRENNAN: Definitely human. The evidence down here has been totally compromised by water. BOOTH: Is it a kid? BRENNAN: Uh, you mean because of the small stature? No. Dentition indicates late twenties. Male. BOOTH: Why is he green? BRENNAN: Well, that's not really our highest priority. BOOTH: Wait wait - how can being green not be a priority, Bones? BRENNAN: (She finds something.) Ah, gold coin! (She throws it to Booth, who catches it.) BOOTH: Look at that, Bones! Heeey! (The water main breaks, creating a rainbow illusion over Brennan.) BRENNAN: Oh, what happened? BOOTH: Water main break. Alright, you got another water main break down here - but look at that, Bones! You are at the end of a beautiful rainbow! BRENNAN: Where I am is at the bottom of a muddy pit! BOOTH: Okay, think about it. End of a rainbow, little green guy, gold coins, what does that tell you? BRENNAN: That I need an umbrella, and that the remains are horribly compromised. BOOTH: Tells me leprechaun. (He closes his eyes.) BRENNAN: Are you praying? BOOTH: I'm making a wish. BRENNAN: Same thing, really. Rather than counting on superstition to make you shoot more accurately, you should just practice more. BOOTH: (peeved) Thanks. Okay, why don't we just get Darby O'Gill there out of the pit, and back to the lab, alright? Somebody shut the water off! (Booth walks away. Brennan looks back up to him, smiling affectionately.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Opening Credits) [SCENE_BREAK] (Open - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Platform. Vincent is examining the victim's body.) VINCENT: Leprechauns are thought to explode if you touch them with a broom handle. CAM: A: These remains show no signs of being exploded, and B: ... I think you can guess B. VINCENT: There are no such things as leprechauns. CAM: This is good; we're developing a short hand. VINCENT: The large skull and torso, combined with short limbs and evidence of hypotonia points to achondroplasia. CAM: Dwarfism. VINCENT: Indeed. (Hodgins appears on the screen. He is at the crime scene.) HODGINS: Think I know why our victim's bones are green. The soil is lousy with iron oxides. That combined with the acidic ground water turned the calcium in the bones green. CAM: How long would that take? HODGINS: Depends. How far down in the bone does the green color extend? VINCENT: Two to three millimeters. HODGINS: I'm gonna go with two to five months. CAM: So, we have time of death, if not cause. VINCENT: Most of the abrasions to these bones were caused very recently. CAM: Well, a car fell on the remains last night, that's gonna be a factor. VINCENT: The question is how did our leprechaun end up buried twenty feet under the street... wearing only his knickers? CAM: Most likely scenario is that he was murdered, and tossed in a storm drain, service tunnel, or sewer. VINCENT: A sixty percent subluxation between the scapula and the humerus indicates that his right shoulder was dislocated. CAM: Congruent with having being dragged? VINCENT: As a literal dead weight, yes. (Cut to: Chef's kitchen. Gordon Wyatt Wyatt is cooking something on the stove.) GORDON WYATT: Firing two branzino, one duck, one rib eye rare! (Booth enters.) GORDON WYATT: Oh and one of the branzinos is without potato, well it's the customer's loss, the vile bag of gobslobber. BOOTH: So you prefer this to psychiatry? GORDON WYATT: Agent Booth! Yes, yes I do as a matter of fact, yes. Well, it's the smell, plus let's face it - Chef Gordon Wyatt Wyatt has more of a ring to it than Doctor Gordon Wyatt Wyatt. What do you think? (He offers Booth a pan. Booth takes a sniff.) BOOTH: Wow, that's amazing. GORDON WYATT: Isn't it? Isn't it? What do I owe this pleasure to? BOOTH: Well listen, I - GORDON WYATT: Oh, careful with those morels, Elan, they're sixty dollars a pound! ELAN: Sorry, chef! BOOTH: Chef, I need some advice. GORDON WYATT: Well, I can advise you on how to cook an omelet, or how to sous-vide a pork chop if you want to - yep, go, go with those. BOOTH: No I need um, some... "shrinky" advice. GORDON WYATT: Well, I stopped being a psychiatrist some time ago, as you know. Firing three out of a two shepherd's pie, one rack of lamb. Is this something to do with the jumbling your poor boggled noggin got last year? BOOTH: That's what I'd like to know. GORDON WYATT: Well, my brain expertise these days is confined to preparing a superb sautéed cervelles au beurre noir, I'm afraid. BOOTH: Um, maybe you could just pretend like I'm a recipe that needs fixing. GORDON WYATT: Tell you what, take that. (He hands Booth a plate with food.) BOOTH: Okay. GORDON WYATT: And that. (He hands Booth a fork.) BOOTH: Yep. GORDON WYATT: Go over to that table. Chef's table, somebody, please! Prepare, thank you! BOOTH: If I eat this, it's gonna cure me? GORDON WYATT: Heavens no, but it'll give you something to do until my break. Right, somebody, service over here, thank you! (Booth picks up an odd looking piece of food, looking slightly bemused.) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Platform. Brennan leans in slightly too close to Vincent as they examine the victim's body.) BRENNAN: The victim was struck, in his face. VINCENT: At the nasal and the zygomatic. BRENNAN: At worst, a blow like this would knock the victim unconscious. Good find, Mr. Nigel Murray, but not cause of death. VINCENT: I've catalogued a large number of remodeled fractures along the ribs, plus bilateral flattening of the proximal radii. BRENNAN: Enhanced muscle attachment here and here indicate the victim was very strong. VINCENT: Well, I'd assume that was to compensate for his condition. BRENNAN: What if his strength wasn't compensation for his condition, but lead to all of these injuries. VINCENT: A super strong dwarf, such as might be found in the Lord of the Rings. BRENNAN: (She frowns at Vincent, not understanding the reference.) The victim has all of the occupational markers of a wrestler. VINCENT: Oh! A midget wrestler. BRENNAN: No, midget is not the proper term, as a scientist you should be aware. VINCENT: It may not be the proper term, Dr Brennan, but I can assure you, correct or not, midget wrestling is an American pastime. As wrong as that may be. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Angela's office. Brennan and Angela are looking at images on the large screen.) ANGELA: I'm trying to match the physical characteristics of our leprechaun to any professional wrestlers on the wrestling circuit. BRENNAN: Wrestling is popular in many cultures. It was the supreme contest in Ancient Greek games. ANGELA: Well, those were mostly beautiful boys wrestling around, all oiled up and naked. BRENNAN: That could be our victim. The muscle development appears consistent, the distinct curvature of the femur is undeniable. ANGELA: Then it seems our leading contender is the iron leprechaun. So it was a leprechaun after all. BRENNAN: Well, that's him. I'm fairly certain that iron leprechaun is not his actual name, only his wrestling moniker. ANGELA: (smirks) Thank you. Oh no, well this says that he's wrestling tonight. BRENNAN: That would mean that I was wrong about him being the victim. ANGELA: Yeah believe me, I'm as surprised about it as you are. BRENNAN: Well, perhaps this iron leprechaun will be aware of someone else who looked exactly like him disappearing. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Hodgins' Work Area. Hodgins and Cam enter.) HODGINS: I could spend the rest of my life analyzing the contents of that sinkhole. CAM: Yeah, let's not do that. Start with the coins. HODGINS: Right, well uh, Brennan found a Chinese panda right beside the body. Now within three meters, I found four Krugerrands, a French Rooster franc, a gold Indian Head and a Canadian Maple Leaf. CAM: Worth a lot? (Sandy enters, carrying a clipboard and science equipment.) HODGINS: Oh, the rooster alone - (Sandy gives the clipboard to Hodgins) - hey, thank you Sandy - was worth about four hundred bucks. (He signs it and hands it back to Sandy, before taking the science equipment. Sandy exits.) CAM: Are any of these coins traceable? HODGINS: No, they're all common gold coins. There's a hefty market in it for people who are afraid the economy will crash, but it's not like they carry serial numbers. CAM: What about the gun? HODGINS: It's a twenty two caliber rougar mark three, rusted beyond all belief. It's loaded, and unfired. It could belong to our victim, or it could've been tossed in the sewer twenty years ago. CAM: Let me know if you find something special. (Cam exits.) (Cut to: Gordon Wyatt's kitchen. Booth and Gordon Wyatt sit at the chef's table.) GORDON WYATT: So you failed to execute a simple plumbing repair, big woo. BOOTH: Had to get one of those dummy books. This is delicious, I mean it was great, you're a good cook. GORDON WYATT: And you say you forgot about your rather distinctive belt buckle. BOOTH: Yeah, Bones had to remind me. GORDON WYATT: Well, none of these adjustments strike me as being particularly earth-shattering. Ah. You haven't got to the juicy bit yet, have you? (Booth pulls out his target sheet, handing it to Gordon Wyatt. He looks confused, unfolding it. Realization hits.) GORDON WYATT: Oh I see, you've suddenly become an indiscriminate homicidal maniac, well that is a cause for concern. BOOTH: No, what it means is that I'm a lousy shot, alright, and I have to re-certify next week! GORDON WYATT: Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it, the only time I've ever fired a weapon, it reared up and struck me on the forehead. BOOTH: I just need you to help me fire my gun. GORDON WYATT: That sounds desperately phallic. Is this maybe a sexual problem? BOOTH: Don't say that. Don't even put that out in the air! GORDON WYATT: It would explain your reticence. Why haven't you gone to see the estimable Dr Sweets for help? BOOTH: 'Cause I can't go to him, he works for the FBI, right. You're Gordon Wyatt, come on, help me out. GORDON WYATT: Alright. I'll tag along, and I'll see what I think. BOOTH: Oh no no, I thought maybe you just, y'know, hypnotize me and give me one of those blue pills. GORDON WYATT: One quibble. It's chef, not cook, chef, alright? May seem rather a picayune detail to you, but it's quite meaningful to me. BOOTH: (smiles) Okay. (Cut to: A noisy venue in which midget wrestling takes place. Brennan, Booth and Gordon Wyatt walk in together.) BRENNAN: So, did Booth tell you about the plumbing? GORDON WYATT: And the socks, and the belt buckle, the shooting, anything else you noticed? BOOTH: Why are you asking Bones? GORDON WYATT: Well, she spends more time with you than anyone else. BRENNAN: I think that if Booth wants to be a better shot, he should just practice more. (General ugliness ensues in the fighting ring between the iron leprechaun and bumblebee man.) BOOTH: Ooh! BRENNAN: I'm nearly certain that is our victim. GORDON WYATT: What, the bumble fellow or the elf? BOOTH: Leprechaun, it's obviously a leprechaun. Hey Bones, you want to go up and tell the poor guy he's dead, or shall I? GORDON WYATT: Well, he does look a bit vigorous for a dead leprechaun, doesn't he? BRENNAN: No, that's not him. BOOTH: What do you mean that's not him, you said that was him. BRENNAN: No, that's him, in the poster. (She points.) BOOTH: Oh. BRENNAN: His forehead, the frontal bossing is far too prominent. (suddenly raises her voice above the crowd.) Boo, that man is not the iron leprechaun! Boo, fake, fake. BOOTH: What are you doing? BRENNAN: Well, booing is the appropriate way to show displeasure at a sporting event. (raises her voice again) Fraud, look at his femurs! GORDON WYATT: One cannot deny the femurs! BOOTH: Yeah, you can't. (Suddenly bumblebee man is on top of the iron leprechaun, holding him down.) REFEREE: One, two, three, bumblebee winner! ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's winner at four foot four, a hundred and twenty two pounds, bumblebee man! (Cheering and boos.) BOOTH: Let me handle this. (He produces his badge.) Excuse me pal, FBI, wanna have a word with you. LEPRECHAUN: Up yours. Oh no! (He runs to the other side of the ring.) BOOTH: Oh, now I gotta get this guy? (He climbs through the rope and into the ring.) There we go. (The iron leprechaun begins building up momentum.) No no no no, whoa, you really don't wanna be doing - (The iron leprechaun launches himself into Booth's chest. He bounces off as if Booth is made of rock.) - that. BRENNAN: (concerned) Booth? BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Are you okay? BOOTH: Fine, okay, I'll get the guy out of the ring, and I'll talk to him. (The iron leprechaun leaps on his back, covering his eyes.) What are you jo - are you kidding me? BRENNAN: Booth? Are you okay, do you need help? BOOTH: I don't need help, I'm fine, Bones, alright? Will you just get off my back, alright, I'm really starting to lose my patience. (He slams the iron leprechaun onto the floor in a swift move. Nobody seems very impressed.) Sorry, I just - (The iron leprechaun makes one last attempt, but Booth whacks him on the head, leaving him unconscious.) What do you expect me to do? He came at me like a rabid ferret. (Brennan blows a raspberry and gives him a thumbs down.) BOOTH: What was I supposed to do? (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Interrogation room, behind the glass. Gordon Wyatt enters.) GORDON WYATT: Dr Sweets. SWEETS: Dr Gordon Wyatt Wyatt. GORDON WYATT: Well, Chef Gordon Wyatt Wyatt as a matter of fact. So, observing your prey before heading on in to interrogate him, are you? SWEETS: Yeah, Agent Booth has had me conduct more interrogations lately. (He starts to walk away.) GORDON WYATT: That's, uh, quite the vote of confidence. SWEETS: I know why you're here. Agent Booth left my office and immediately went to you, didn't he? No, I'm alright with it. (He's clearly not alright with it. They exit, and begin walking along a corridor.) There have been a few changes in Booth. GORDON WYATT: Since the brain tumor? SWEETS: Yeah, is that why he came to you? He doesn't trust me? Oh right, how could I forget about cook/client privileges. GORDON WYATT: Chef/client privileges. SWEETS: Has he also told you about how now when he climbs stairs he leads with his right foot rather than his left, he holds his phone to a different ear, coffee in his left hand? GORDON WYATT: (surprised) How wretchedly observant of you. SWEETS: Not me, Dr Brennan. Would you like to accompany me? GORDON WYATT: To what end? SWEETS: Double team by psychologist and a chef? It'll be epic. (They exchange a smile, before making their way into the interrogation room.) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Interrogation room.) TODD: My name's Todd Moore. SWEETS: (He produces a poster.) Then who's this? TODD: The iron leprechaun. GORDON WYATT: How many iron leprechauns are there? TODD: Just one. Well at a time, I mean. I took over when the last round leprechaun took a powder. SWEETS: When was that? TODD: About three months ago. SWEETS: What's this one's name? TODD: That's Bryce DaFonte. GORDON WYATT: Well, I'm sorry to say your predecessor is now deceased. SWEETS: We found his body at the bottom of a sinkhole. TODD: Bryce is dead? Oh man! Well, that totally explains why he'd bail on a sweet gig. GORDON WYATT: Being the iron leprechaun is a "sweet gig", is it? TODD: Yeah! It's a very popular character. Ah... you two think I killed Bryce, tossed him into a sinkhole, so I could take over the franchise? GORDON WYATT: Well, I was there when Agent Booth identified himself as FBI, and you ran. SWEETS: Running away from the FBI is always suspicious. TODD: (He stands up, leaning forward.) I'm Canadian. My work visa expired a week ago. I thought you were gonna ship me back to Sudbury. Have you ever been to Sudbury? You woulda ran too. SWEETS: Do you know anyone who would benefit from Bryce's death? TODD: Gidget, I guess. She's like the Vince McMahon man of our world. GORDON WYATT: Well, how would this Gidget benefit from losing her biggest star? TODD: Well, when Bryce was the iron leprechaun, she used to have to pay him a piece of the gate. Me? Flat rate. Three hundred bucks a pot. I'll tell you something else, too. They used to bump uglies, and it didn't end so great. (Cut to: Midget wrestling arena.) GIDGET: Somebody murdered Bryce? BOOTH: Well, y'know, your number one draw disappears; you had to have had a theory? GIDGET: I just figured he couldn't handle what happened between us anymore. Murdered how? BRENNAN: Well, what happened between you two? GIDGET: Come on, we had a thing. Got old, I moved on. Thought at first Bryce did too but it ate at him. Guys are like that, you know. On the outside it looks like they don't care, but on the inside they're chewing themselves up like cancer. I gotta be a suspect, right? BRENNAN: We don't like to come right out and say that. GIDGET: Well I know I am 'cause Bryce was suing me. BOOTH: Oh really, what was he suing you for? GIDGET: Bigger cut of the gate. I didn't take it personal, maybe he did. You know men - something goes wrong in the heart department, it always shows itself in another way. (This means something to Booth and Brennan.) GIDGET: You know Bryce had a criminal past, right? BOOTH: Yeah, he went to prison for assault or a robbery. GIDGET: (laughs) What can I say, got a thing for the bad boys. Don't you? BRENNAN: No, I prefer good boys. BOOTH: (ears prick up) Really? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: (flustered) Yeah, so you uh - do you know if Bryce DaFonte owned a gun? GIDGET: Course not, he was on parole. Tell you something though, I had a sweet little pistol come up missing right about the same time. (Cut to: The Diner. Someone hands Gordon Wyatt a meal.) GORDON WYATT: Ah, thank you. D'you know, there is something about an American diner griddle that turns out eggs that rival even the greatest boite du dejeuner in all of Paris. SWEETS: So, you've really done it, huh? Turned your back on psychiatry to cook? GORDON WYATT: Well, there's more than one way to feed people, you know? (Sweets says nothing, simply carries on eating.) GORDON WYATT: You're irked, aren't you? SWEETS: Oh no, it's just ... you gotta admit. All that experience, and knowledge, and wisdom, trapped in a kitchen? It's crazy! GORDON WYATT: I would suggest that what really chuffs your eggs is that in his hour of need, Booth turned to me for advice instead of you. But Booth couldn't go to see you, because your first duty is to the FBI. SWEETS: Well, he should trust me. GORDON WYATT: He does trust you, implicitly! SWEETS: (upset) Obviously not, he came to you, right? A chef. GORDON WYATT: But the point is, he would never do anything that would compromise your professional obligations. He's too fond of you for that. SWEETS: (extremely skeptical) Did he say that? Out loud? GORDON WYATT: He came to me knowing that I would consult with you - which is what I'd like to do now, please. In short, he believes that his brain condition has rendered him incapable of hitting the broad side of a barn with his firearm. SWEETS: That must really drive him up the wall. GORDON WYATT: Exactly. So, I looked forward to consulting with you on the strange case of the man hereinafter referred to as Agent B. (Sweets smiles. Gordon Wyatt takes a mouthful.) GORDON WYATT: Yes, you know what I said about the eggs? Doesn't extend to the potatoes. (He spits some back out onto his plate. Sweets groans, slightly disgusted.) Frozen. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian - The Bone Room. Cam enters.) CAM: Positive identification on the victim. Bryce DaFonte. (She presses a button and pictures of the victim appear on the screen.) VINCENT: That's a mug shot. CAM: (She signs a clipboard for someone, who then exits.) There you go. Apparently Mr. DaFonte was somewhat violent before channeling his aggression more productively. VINCENT: By pretending to be a vicious head-cracking leprechaun. CAM: Indeed. (Another person enters, with yet another thing for her to sign.) Thanks. What are you doing? VINCENT: In searching for cause of death, I found three small grooves along the margin on three separate ribs. Number two on the right, five and six on the left. CAM: Not caused by being crushed by two million pounds of gravel and asphalt? VINCENT: The nicks are deeper than the extent of the green patina. CAM: Telling us that they pre-existed the green, very good. (Another person enters to have something signed. It is clearly Cam's lucky day.) Okay, what else do these nicks tell us? VINCENT: I haven't the foggiest. Were you aware that Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot? CAM: (She closes her eyes, trying to keep her calm.) Keep looking, Mr. Nigel Murray. (Cut to: FBI building. Booth is coming out of a lift, Sweets is waiting for him.) SWEETS: Morning, Agent B. BOOTH: Hiya Sweets. Okay, about the other night when I came to your office. SWEETS: Enough said, enough said - (Booth hands him his coffee) - said the blind man to the deaf man, and in this case I am totally the deaf man. Not just deaf, mute. (Booth gives him an odd look.) SWEETS: You wanted me to talk to the victim's family with you? BOOTH: Yeah, I got the twin brother and the sister in law, they're in the conference room. SWEETS: What are we looking for? BOOTH: Lies and guilt, Sweets, what else is there? (Booth exits. Sweets smiles as he joins him. His mind has been put at ease.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: FBI - Conference Room. Booth & Sweets are interrogating Derek DaFonte) DEREK DAFONTE: I was always worried something bad was gonna happen to Bryce, and then I stopped worrying when he started wrestling professionally. BOOTH: Right, so as far as you know your brother put his criminal past behind him? DEREK DAFONTE: Yeah, he um, loved the whole leprechaun wrestling thing. Quit drinking, made a living. SWEETS: You were close? DEREK DAFONTE: We were twins, but no. No, we weren't close. NICOLE DAFONTE: Bryce was always a little jealous of Derek, 'cause Derek was average sized. DEREK DAFONTE: Yeah, I'd have been jealous too if it worked out the other way and I got the short stick. BOOTH: No pun intended. NICOLE DAFONTE: (annoyed) That's not funny, Agent Booth. DEREK DAFONTE: I tried helping Bryce out, you know, got him jobs. BOOTH: When did you last talk? NICOLE DAFONTE: Well, Derek offered to testify his parole hearing. SWEETS: Offered? NICOLE DAFONTE: Bryce said he didn't need the help. DEREK DAFONTE: It wasn't like that at all, the whole parole thing was a lock, with or without me. BOOTH: A lock? DEREK DAFONTE: Bryce testified against his cellmate in return for parole. NICOLE DAFONTE: I think he was brave. DEREK DAFONTE: It was stupid, Nicole. Probably got him killed. (Cut to: Interrogation room. Gordon Wyatt and Sweets are interrogating this time.) GEORGE ALANO: If you don't mind me saying, neither one of you guys looks like a cop. Look like a substitute teacher and a fry cook. GORDON WYATT: (instantly on edge) A fry cook? SWEETS: We're not cops, we're professional interrogation. GORDON WYATT: (furious) Nobody's a fry cook! SWEETS: (taken aback) The cops are in there. GORDON WYATT: Yes, in case you annoy us, and we want an arrest made! Any more cracks about fry cooks, I'll have them come in here to rough you up! SWEETS: (trying to continue, and calm Gordon Wyatt down) Okay, uh... so you and Bryce DaFonte were cellmates for what, sixteen months? GEORGE ALANO: I'm sorry for Bryce, I liked him. Made the cell feel roomier. SWEETS: We have information that Bryce ratted you out so he would look good for the parole board. GEORGE ALANO: I never took that personally. Little guy like that, you gotta hold him to a different standard. GORDON WYATT: You were released, what, three months ago? GEORGE ALANO: Paid my debt to society, got a job. SWEETS: Road construction. GEORGE ALANO: Yep. SWEETS: Did you ever work in the Cleveland Park area? GEORGE ALANO: Why? GORDON WYATT: Because that's where your former cellmate was discovered, twenty feet under the roadway. GEORGE ALANO: Well, I didn't put him there! Right, look, Bryce told them where to find my pruno and dope stash, okay, that's small beans. Three days in solitary, I'm gonna kill him for that? Alright, alright, me and Bryce cooked that dodge up together, okay? There was no chance I was getting out a day earlier than my full sentence, due to a spitting incident involving the warden. I figured why not do my cellmate a solid and get him out? And believe me, DaFonte wanted out. GORDON WYATT: Well, everyone in prison wants out. GEORGE ALANO: Not like Bryce. He was talking about escape, you know, he was highly motivated. SWEETS: So what was the big rush? GEORGE ALANO: What you think? GORDON WYATT: (speaking in an aside to Sweets) I think perhaps a crisis of the heart and loins. GEORGE ALANO: He got a 'Dear John' letter from his lady love saying that she was thinking about calling it quits on him. The least I could do for my buddy, ain't nobody waiting on me on the outside. (Cut to: The Diner. Gordon Wyatt is attempting to eat a very large sandwich.) ANGELA: So my psychic says that Brennan and Booth are linked in a very profound way. In order to eat that thing you're gonna have to dislocate your jaw, like an articulated python. GORDON WYATT: Yeah. Tell me though, have you noticed any behavioral changes in Booth since he woke up from the coma? ANGELA: He's not as happy-go-lucky as he used to be. It's like he's sort of sad. GORDON WYATT: Hmm. Well, perhaps the brain tumor forced him to confront his own mortality. ANGELA: Booth confronted his mortality plenty of times. I think that that dream he had, about him and Brennan being married, I think that he sort of misses that dream. It's like he's homesick for that place and those people. GORDON WYATT: You think Booth fell in love with Dr Brennan during a dream? ANGELA: So do you, right? GORDON WYATT: (suddenly coy) Well, I'm a psychiatrist, I'm not comfortable with answering. ANGELA: No, you're a chef. GORDON WYATT: I am. As usual, you - you see the truth of things. (noise of frustration) I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, it's the most ill-conceived sapless vomitous gargoyle of gastronimity I've ever encountered, it's preposterous, you can't - ANGELA: (She laughs and begins to put Gordon Wyatt's sandwich back together.) You know, you're really gonna have to learn to enjoy things the way that they are. GORDON WYATT: Mmm, well, perhaps you're right. (Cut to: Crime scene, road collapse. Booth sits above Hodgins.) HODGINS: The remains were covered with one hundred and fifty years worth of rubble. That's a word I love. BOOTH: Half naked dwarf wrestler gets killed and his body gets dumped in some old hole in the ground? HODGINS: Well, most of what he was buried in and what I found around the remains was tile. Translucent, ceramic, vitreous, dating back to the 1920s. BOOTH: What was that, some kind of Turkish bath? HODGINS: Nah, it's a pedestrian underpass. Here. It collapsed in the 30's, they just threw some rocks into it and paved it over. BOOTH: Wait a second, so what you're saying is, you think the leprechaun's body was in that pedestrian underpass when the sinkhole happened? HODGINS: Yeah, yeah, I mean the guy his size, there could've been a way through it, especially with some digging. That would've stretched from here underground to approximately the other side of the street, and then maybe another twenty feet east. (Booth looks in the direction Hodgins is describing, and suddenly realization strikes.) BOOTH: Cash for gold. (Cut to: Basement of Republic Gold Exchange. Booth and Brennan are lead down by Novarro.) NOVARRO: Three months ago this place got robbed. No sign of forced entry to the doors or windows, alarm was cut from the inside. Bad guys got off with bags of gold coins. BOOTH: We think the robber may have been the victim in your sinkhole. NOVARRO: Well, I'll be damned. The owners of this place will be glad to hear that. Fraud unit suspected it was an inside job. BOOTH: How much did they lose? NOVARRO: Uh... a hundred and twenty grand worth. BRENNAN: I think I found the point of ingress. (She indicates a small grate in the floor.) NOVARRO: Woah! You gotta be kidding? Just thinking about it, I can't breathe. BOOTH: (He opens a large piece of paper.) Angela's sketch shows the collapsed pedestrian walkway comes five feet from this drain. BRENNAN: The victim was small and strong, he could have dug his way through. NOVARRO: That's gotta be what, sixteen/eighteen inches? Honestly I can't breathe, I got anxiety thinking about a guy down there. BOOTH: Come on Bones, there's no way the victim could get his shoulders through there. BRENNAN: He could've made it! Mostly naked, in his lycra shorts. We may even find a container of lubricant down there. BOOTH: Well, all we found were eight gold coins. NOVARRO: Oh yeah, classic accomplice rip off scenario. No honor between thieves. (Booth and Brennan give him a look.) What, I'm not allowed to chime in? I'm a law enforcement professional. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian - The Bone Room.) BRENNAN: The only markings we know for sure came from before the sinkhole are these three little nicks on his ribs. VINCENT: Could he have been stabbed? BRENNAN: Well, with what? VINCENT: The world's dullest knife. BRENNAN: Perhaps something along the lines of a very dull hatchet. VINCENT: To a little person, a hatchet would be the equivalent of an axe. Assuming the accomplice was already lying in wait, surely he would have had the aforethought to bring a more suitable weapon. BRENNAN: Like a gun. VINCENT: Or a giant sword. Or a gun. (He walks around to a part of a skeleton nearby.) But the killer would have had to have been an incredibly bad shot to merely graze his or her victim, three times in such tight quarters. BRENNAN: (She lifts the skeleton up to a different angle.) Mmm. VINCENT: Oh, oh I see! If he was reaching forward. BRENNAN: More wrenched. VINCENT: Or if he was actually hanging from his arm, and the killer shot down from this angle. BRENNAN: One bullet fired from above, grazing these three ribs, deflecting, piercing the diaphragm. VINCENT: And of course as an achondroplastic dwarf, his organs would be more tightly jammed together than an average person. BRENNAN: This would be his liver. VINCENT: He'd have bled to death in minutes. BRENNAN: (pleased) We found cause of death. (They both look accomplished.) (Cut to: The Founding Fathers. Gordon Wyatt is looking at brain scans of Booth's brain.) GORDON WYATT: Yeah, there's some collateral damage to Booth's brain here. SWEETS: It would result in the memory lapses, yeah, but it doesn't explain any of his other symptoms. GORDON WYATT: Ah, but I don't think Booth has brain damage. SWEETS: Then what's his problem? GORDON WYATT: May I ask why you didn't publish your book on Booth and Brennan? SWEETS: What, is there a connection between my book and Booth's marksmanship? GORDON WYATT: I believe you didn't publish it because you're afraid of how Brennan and Booth would react to its conclusion. SWEETS: My book concludes that Brennan and Booth are in love with each other. GORDON WYATT: It's a scrummy conundrum, isn't it? SWEETS: I believe that as a reaction to the childhood traumas of abuse and abandonment, Dr Brennan utilizes her intellect to armor herself from intense levels of emotion, like love. GORDON WYATT: And Booth? SWEETS: Well, subconsciously, he's sensitive to her vulnerability. He knows that acting upon his feelings for her would amount to a kind of assault. GORDON WYATT: I couldn't agree with you more. SWEETS: So Booth not shooting straight is simply, what, a manifestation of his phallic frustration? GORDON WYATT: Yeah, he quite literally can't bring his weapon to bear. SWEETS: Do I even have the right to publish my book and make public what these two can't even admit to themselves? GORDON WYATT: Good Lord, don't ask me. I'm just a chef. SWEETS: (frustrated) Ah! GORDON WYATT: Not a psychiatrist. I gave up that game precisely so I don't have to face that kind of dilemma. SWEETS: (gives in) Okay. (Cut to: Brennan and Booth entering Booth's car.) BOOTH: Okay look, we do know that Hodgins found a twenty two pistol near the body, it was fully loaded. BRENNAN: And had been discharged. BOOTH: Yeah I know that Bones, okay, I do work for the FBI. BRENNAN: So has Gordon Wyatt helped you at all with your shooting problem? BOOTH: He doesn't see it as a problem. BRENNAN: Then maybe you don't have one. Have you ever considered the possibility that you might simply be getting older? I - men do tend to decline physically past the age of thirty-five. BOOTH: (sarcastically) Remind me again how great I feel after talking to you. BRENNAN: Well, who else would always tell you the truth. BOOTH: Yeah you know, it does make me feel better. It makes no rational sense but, it does. BRENNAN: (smiles) Mmm. Maybe I should start packing heat again? BOOTH: Packing heat? BRENNAN: Yes, it's a colloquialism. I- I'm quite a good shot. BOOTH: Hey, if the leprechaun was shot, then where would the bullet be? BRENNAN: Well I assume somewhere in the six tones of crap Hodgins hasn't sifted through yet. BOOTH: Wait a second; did you just call forensic evidence "crap"? BRENNAN: It's colloquial again, what do you think? BOOTH: This is very nice, I like it, it shows that you're adapting. (He starts the engine.) BRENNAN: Well, I'm working on it - and joshing around, too. (She laughs.) BOOTH: (looks awkward) Yeah. (Cut to: Interrogation room.) GIDGET: I already admitted that Bryce and I had a thing. Hey, where's that hot FBI agent guy? If I'm gonna be interrogated, I want it to be from him. SWEETS: That sweet little pistol you owned that went missing. Was this it? GIDGET: Is that the gun that was used to kill Bryce? SWEETS: Uh, no, but it was nearby. GIDGET: Then yeah, that's my pistol. SWEETS: He didn't steal the gun from you, you gave it to him because you were worried about his safety. GIDGET: I'm not exactly the worrying type. Hey, you wanna make out a little bit? People watching from behind that mirror kinda turns me on. (Camera draws back and we see Gordon Wyatt and Brennan behind the glass.) GORDON WYATT: This - this persona she's projecting, this little person cougar, she's either masking emotional pain or overcompensating for guilt. BRENNAN: Maybe you should tell Sweets. GORDON WYATT: Oh believe me, if a chef can figure it out then, a prodigy like Sweets will have got there long before. (He turns the sound of the interrogation room off.) Tell me. What's your theory on why Agent Booth can no longer shoot straight? BRENNAN: He should practice more. GORDON WYATT: Perhaps in conjunction with his using the wrong foot to climb the stairs and his wrong hand to drink coffee, he's closing the wrong eye when he aims. BRENNAN: Real marksmen keep both eyes open when they shoot. GORDON WYATT: Oh. Well, that's what I get for using 'Quickly Down Under' as a reference, isn't it? BRENNAN: (uncomfortable) So Sweets told you about the hands and the feet? GORDON WYATT: Mmm, we're consulting. Patient confidentiality is being maintained, and I won't tell Booth that you've been ratting him out to the FBI behind his back. BRENNAN: Ratting out is an accurate phrase, but somehow it doesn't seem true. GORDON WYATT: You've come quite a long distance since we last met, if you can now see a distinction between accuracy and the truth. BRENNAN: I'm trying to help Booth. I can be objective about his brain and he can't. GORDON WYATT: Sometimes you have to help people against their wishes. BRENNAN: I can't think of anything I wouldn't do to help him. (She suddenly seems to realize what she's said.) Can we listen, please? GORDON WYATT: Yes. (He switches the audio back on to the interrogation room. An awkward look is shared between Brennan and him.) SWEETS: Did you give Bryce the gun because you knew he was planning a robbery? GIDGET: All I knew is Bryce told me he'd found a way to make a ton of money fast. SWEETS: Who was in it with him? GIDGET: I don't know. SWEETS: I think the reason you feel responsible is that if you'd paid Bryce his fair share, he wouldn't have got himself killed. GORDON WYATT: Bullseye. Well done. GIDGET: Bryce didn't need money to impress me. And it wasn't me that he was worried about when he was in prison? SWEETS: Who was it? GIDGET: All I know is that Bryce broke it off with me. Said he had to get serious with somebody else. He said I wasn't enough woman for him. (Sweets looks at the glass, suddenly realizing something.) BRENNAN: Why is he looking at us? (Cut to: Outside the interrogation room. Booth jumps up when they emerge.) BOOTH: Jesus, it's about time Sweets, what took you so long? Don't answer that, okay - what did he get out of her? BRENNAN: I have no idea but the two of them are very excited. SWEETS: You wanna - GORDON WYATT: I wouldn't dream of it! Please. SWEETS: Okay. Murder victim told Gidget that she wasn't enough woman for him. BOOTH: So? GORDON WYATT: Well, so it suggests that while in jail, your victim was pining for an average sized woman. BRENNAN: Vocabulary? That is your evidence? BOOTH: We subpoenaed the victim's cell phone records, the only people he ever talked to were Gidget and his brother. SWEETS: The victim's brother said that they were estranged, right? GORDON WYATT: And the victim's brother's wife is an average sized woman, isn't she? SWEETS: You want us to handle this? BOOTH: Nah nah, I'll handle this one, boys. (He walks away.) (Cut to: The crime scene.) NICOLE DAFONTE: (upset) Why did you bring me here? BOOTH: We found Bryce right there. See, he was crawling all the way over there, lugging his own weight in gold coins through a tunnel probably about, uh, about that wide. He got out on the other end, he was shot and killed. Now why is it that somebody would do something like that? Greed, bravery? He was doing it for you, wasn't he, Nicole? How long were you and Bryce seeing each other behind your husband's back? NICOLE DAFONTE: (is now in tears) Since always. Since high school. I wrote Bryce in prison, and I told him that we had to stop, but when he got out on parole he begged me to choose him. Got it in his head that to get me to himself he had to be a better provider than his brother. Are you gonna tell Derek about us? BOOTH: No. No, I'm not gonna say anything to him. But I will tell you that if you've been in love with another man for ten years - your husband knows. What I need to know is who was helping Bryce out with his burglary? NICOLE DAFONTE: I don't know. I don't know, probably somebody he met in prison. He said that he would buy me anything that I ever wanted, if I knew Bryce was stealing I would've begged him to stop. BOOTH: You see, Miss DaFonte, when a man can't have the woman that he loves, he gets a bit crazy. One brother, he died for you, right there. The other one, your husband, you put him through hell. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Hodgins Work Area. Brennan enters.) HODGINS: I still can't find a bullet. BRENNAN: Well, keep trying. HODGINS: Could've been washed anywhere by the water. The guy's ring was nearly thirty meters away. High school wrestling, that has got to be the victim's, right? Oh I am back! I mean, King of the Lab, right? BRENNAN: No, not King of the Lab. This is not the victim's ring. Achondroplasia causes metaphyseal cupping at the joints, resulting in large knuckles - too big for this ring. (She takes her phone out of her pocket, making a call.) HODGINS: Well then, whose ring is this? BRENNAN: Someone who went to the same high school at the same time, played the same sport, but had average sized fingers. (They exchange a meaningful look.) (Cut to: FBI, corridor.) BRENNAN: We're good at this. BOOTH: Yeah Bones, this is what we do, we're the best. (Mr. and Mrs. DaFonte walk out of lift.) BOOTH: Mr. DaFonte, thank you for coming in. DEREK DAFONTE: Yeah, uh, so you got any news on my brother? BOOTH: Do me a favor and just put your hand out like this, please? NICOLE DAFONTE: What's going on? BOOTH: Mr. DaFonte, please, your hand, just like this. (Mr. DaFonte does so. Brennan grabs his hand, forcing the ring onto it.) BRENNAN: When your brother came out of the tunnel, you reached out, took his hand. BOOTH: He thought the two of you were working together, but you knew why he wanted the money. BRENNAN: When you shot your brother, the force partially dislocated his shoulder, while the bullet travelled to the torso in a fatal trajectory, grazing three ribs. BOOTH: Then you pushed him back into the tunnel, foot to face. BRENNAN: But he pulled off your ring. BOOTH: You're under arrest. (He cuffs Mr. DaFonte.) NICOLE DAFONTE: Derek? Why? DEREK DAFONTE: Come on Nicky, you know why. You know exactly why. (Cut to: Gordon Wyatt's kitchen.) BOOTH: (He spins an object.) So we found most of the gold coins in the victim's brother's crawl space, I mean most of them, not all of them. GORDON WYATT: Ah, so the oldest murder of them all, eh? Brother slays brother, Cain and Abel. BOOTH: Doc, tomorrow morning I gotta be on the firing line at seven am sharp, so you have to fix my brain damage. GORDON WYATT: You haven't got brain damage! BOOTH: Ah, Gordon Wyatt okay, they took out a brain tumor the size of a melon ball out of my head; I can't shoot straight; I can't tell if people are lying; I have to get dummy books just to do things. I'm at a complete loss with stuff. GORDON WYATT: (He uncorks a bottle.) But not as a result of brain damage. When you were in a coma, you got a glimpse of another world. BOOTH: Right, and how does that help me aim my gun? (They sit down.) GORDON WYATT: Temperance Brennan. You're in love with her. (Booth looks up in surprise.) You're building a world around her, a family. BOOTH: (He pauses, looking torn.) We're not compatible. She sees the world one way, I see it the other way. GORDON WYATT: No of course, it's absolutely ludicrous the idea of you together, but the heart chooses what it chooses, doesn't it? We don't really have any say in the matter. BOOTH: (insistently) She doesn't love me. I would know if she loved me. GORDON WYATT: May I counsel patience on this front. Hope and patience. BOOTH: (He smiles slightly.) Right so, about my marksmanship certification - any advice? GORDON WYATT: Grow a set! Be a man, step up! She's your partner, for heaven's sake. The job you do together is highly dangerous, she counts on you for protection. So you'd damn well better protect her! BOOTH: So that's your big psychiatric advice, just "grow a set"? GORDON WYATT: Indeed. When it comes to a man and his gun, a woman is the natural cure. Take Dr Brennan to this um, this shooting event of yours. (Brennan enters.) GORDON WYATT: You won't fail in front of her, trust me. Dr Brennan! (He stands to greet her.) BRENNAN: Hello. (They exchange kisses on the cheek.) GORDON WYATT: Please, take a seat. BRENNAN: Oh, well, why can't we sit out in the restaurant? BOOTH: Oh no, Bones, this is a great honor to sit at the chef's table. Huge. BRENNAN: (She sits regardless.) But it's in the kitchen, it's hot and noisy. BOOTH: It's a thing, alright, we just go with it. (Gordon Wyatt looks at him and indicates that he should ask that favor. Booth becomes nervous.) So! Bones um, would you do me a favor? BRENNAN: Yes, as long as it does not involve me shaving my head. (She looks extremely proud of herself.) BOOTH: (laughs after a moment) You are making a joke. BRENNAN: I'm becoming quite amusing. BOOTH: You are, it's very funny. Honestly, will you do me a favor? BRENNAN: Yes, as long as I don't have to shave my head. BOOTH: (snorts) Little advice on the humor; once the joke happens, don't dog pile on it, just let it go. GORDON WYATT: (He hands Booth and Brennan food.) Do try these amuse bouche, they may look like sperm on corn smut, but I assure you they are magically scrumptious. (Brennan looks at her food, trying to hide her displeasure.) Be brave my children, make a foray, cast off your shackles etcetera etcetera, abide by my exhortations to joie de vivre - (Booth looks at Brennan, who is smiling back) - that you may be born aloft on the trembling wings of giggling angels. (He exits. Booth and Brennan exchange a look of amusement.) (Music: My Ghost by Glass Pear.) (Cut to: FBI Shooting range. Booth is back again, with Brennan in the background. Booth fires two rounds of shots. The targets are brought closer, and we see that they are bang on target. RANGE MASTER: Excellent, Agent Booth. (Booth turns to Brennan, who gives him a thumbs up. He turns back to examine his targets, a small content smile upon his face.) END.

Plan: A: Booth; Q: Who is still suffering from brain surgery? A: FBI marksmanship; Q: What does Booth have to get re-certified for? A: the knife; Q: What did Booth go under? A: the Jeffersonian investigates; Q: Who investigates the remains of a little person? A: a sinkhole; Q: What was the body found in? A: Bryce DaFonte; Q: Who was the victim? A: The Iron Leprechaun; Q: What was Bryce DaFonte's wrestling name? A: a popular wrestling league; Q: What did Bryce DaFonte compete in? Summary: Booth, still suffering some lingering effects from his brain surgery, has to get re-certified for FBI marksmanship, but is not the accurate shot he was before going under the knife. Meanwhile, the team at the Jeffersonian investigates the remains of a little person discovered in a sinkhole. The victim, Bryce DaFonte, also known as "The Iron Leprechaun," competed in a popular wrestling league, but the popularity of the franchise left him with many enemies, including bitter competitors and scorned lovers, any of whom could have caused his downfall.

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Camera holds over the city. Thunder rumbles; lightning flashes in the sky.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SATURN ARMS APARTMENTS - NIGHT] (The front left glass door is open. Building number 5595. Thunder rumbles outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S APT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Camera moves slowly down the hallway toward the bedroom door. There's a bicycle resting against the wall in the hallway; the light from outside illuminates the bathroom. Lightning flashes.) (The camera turns the corner and enters the bedroom. There's someone asleep in the bed. The camera lingers in the doorway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S BEDROOM - NIGHT] (EILEEN SNOW suddenly gets up. She sits up in bed and looks out the open bedroom door. Thunder rumbles; lightning flashes.) (She looks outside the bedroom window, then around the bedroom. The closet light is on. She lies back down in bed, leans on her side and tries to go back to sleep.) (Again, she suddenly gets up in bed. Thunder claps outside as lightning flashes through the window. She swallows as she stares straight ahead at the shadows in front of her.) (Lightning flashes. This time, there's a man holding a cord in his hands and standing at the foot of the bed. He's wearing a hooded sweatshirt that covers his face.) (EILEEN SNOW starts screaming. The man snaps the iron cord. EILEEN SNOW backs away from him.) (The iron falls.) (EILEEN SNOW screams.) FLASH TO WHITE: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S BEDROOM -- MORNING] (GRISSOM walks into the bedroom carrying his kit. BRASS follows behind him. There are other officers already in the room. Though we can't see the body, GRISSOM pauses near the bed, his eyes glued to the body.) Brass: Eileen Jane Snow. Lady she carpools with couldn't get her to answer the door. Police broke in. Grissom: (grimly) This is exactly the same as the last two. Brass: Audrey Hayes was strangled in her basement and the other one ended up in a park. Grissom: Different M.O., but it's the same signature. Brass: M.O. is how he breaks in. Signature's what he does once inside. (A Camera flashes. Close up of EILEEN SNOW on the bed. Her hands are tied together to the bed metal headboard. Her mouth is bruised. Her eyes are open. Cut back to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Three or four overpowering blows to the head from a homemade weapon fashioned at the scene. (A camera flash to: Close up of the iron used to subdue EILEEN SNOW. Cut back to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Forces her to drink a mixture of sodium amytal as a chemical restraint. (Flash to white. Close up of the drinking glass discarded on it's side.) Grissom: Overligature of the victim ... (he swallows) ... and an object rape. Then he strangles her. Ejaculates on the bedsheets. (SARA walks in and sees the body.) Grissom: And as a final act of degradation he poses her like a pinup. (She reacts to the sight of yet another body in a series of serial rapes.) Sara: Damn it. (BRASS turns around to look at SARA.) Brass: Sara. Sara: Damn that guy. (SARA starts to walk out of the bedroom. GRISSOM follows her outside to the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM takes SARA out into the hallway.) Grissom: Listen, no emotions in here. Sara: He's escalating, Grissom. Grissom: That's the pattern; it's a continuum. Sara: Guess he wants to get caught. Grissom: Signature killers never want to get caught. And they won't stop until they do. HARD CUT TO BLACK ROLL TITLE CREDITS END OF TEASER [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SATURN ARMS -- EILEEN SNOW'S BEDROOM - DAY] (SARA and WARRICK are in the bedroom near the bed. SARA is looking at the tape lift in her hand; WARRICK is going through the sheets on the bed.) Sara: I have tape-lifted, roll-lifted -- I'm not finding one hair. (GRISSOM walks into the room and lingers near the door. He's carrying a clipboard as he watches them work.) Grissom: (raises his eyebrows) I wonder what that might mean. Sara: He vacuumed this place before he left. We've established that he utilizes materials from the victim's domicile. (Thinking about it, SARA walks over to the closet to look for the vacuum cleaner. She pushes the closet door open to reveal the vacuum cleaner just inside. GRISSOM leans over to look at the bedside table. WARRICK continues to check the bed sheets. SARA opens the machine and looks inside.) Sara: Hey, guys. He took the bag. (GRISSOM shakes his head.) Grissom: Well, look for prints. (Before she can do anything, CATHERINE walks in. She's carrying something that looks for prints and is wearing protective eyewear.) Catherine: Don't bother. There aren't any. Just like the last time. The guy's Mr. Clean. Here, knock yourself out. Sara: Thanks. (CATHERINE hands it over to SARA who takes it.) Grissom: He stalked this woman. He knew how much time he had in this apartment to kill her, and to clean up after himself. Catherine: I'll tell Brass to check for s*x offenders in a two-mile radius. Grissom: Yeah, have him check peeping toms, too five years back. That's how they get started. (CATHERINE turns to leave the room. WARRICK looks up from his spot near the bed.) Warrick: Peeping toms to murderers? Grissom: It's about crossing boundaries. It's like, uh, with cake, you know? You're just going to have a little bit of the frosting and you end up eating the entire plate. (WARRICK pulls the bed cover aside. He sees a single hair strand.) Warrick: Nobody move. (He picks it up and holds it up.) Warrick: Mr. Clean needs a maid. I'm going to take this back to the lab. (SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY walks up to the door and looks around. He sees GRISSOM.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: Gil. I need a word with you outside. (GRISSOM sighs. The SHERIFF leaves. GRISSOM glances over at WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SATURN ARMS -- DAY] (THE SHERIFF walks out of the apartment. GRISSOM is close behind him. The SHERIFF is headed somewhere.) Grissom: You're bringing the FBI in? Why? Sheriff Brian Mobley: They offered their assistance, and I'm inclined to take it. Of course, uh, I'd want to make sure you're okay with that. (GRISSOM puts his sunglasses on. In the background, we hear people from the news media talking.) Grissom: I-I don't believe the investigation should go that way, Brian. I mean, roadblocks and special ops? Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, that's a pity, 'cause I do. Maybe you'll feel different when you meet Rick Culpepper. (A man in a suit approaches them. He holds out his hand to the Sheriff. Behind him standing just behind the crime scene tape is the news media.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Sheriff Mobley. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Rick. (They shake hands. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER turns to GRISSOM.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Hi, Rick Culpepper. Federal Bureau of Investigation. (They shake hands.) Grissom: Gil Grissom, Agent Culpepper. Agent Rick Culpepper: Uh, "Special Agent". It's great to meet you. All our kids back in Quantico are always going on about your bugs. (GRISSOM doesn't say anything. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER takes off his sunglasses and looks at GRISSOM.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Well, listen, the FBI is here to help you and your people at CSI. Of course, uh, as SAC, the investigation will run through me. Sheriff probably already told you that. (GRISSOM glances at the SHERIFF standing silently next to him.) Grissom: No, he didn't mention that, either. Agent Rick Culpepper: All rivers run through Rome so to speak. (chuckling) But, uh, you get an "attaboy". Three women dead 'cause you couldn't get the job done. There's not many guys who would hand the case over to us Fibbies. Grissom: I'm not handing it over. I'm willing to work in conjunction with you. Agent Culpepper: Well, that's fine. We'll work the "Strip Strangler" case in conjunction. Grissom: The what? Agent Rick Culpepper: He strangles them near Las Vegas Boulevard then removes their clothes. Strip Strangler. Why? What do you call him? Grissom: Unknown Signature Homicide, Metropolitan Las Vegas. Agent Rick Culpepper: (to SHERIFF) Oh. He's not kidding, is he? (THE SHERIFF shakes his head.) Sgt. O'Riley: (to GRISSOM) Excuse me. Guy over here's got something you might want to hear. Syd Goggle. He's a security guard. Community patrol. Says he saw a man speeding away from here last night. (GRISSOM follows SGT. O'RILEY to the security guard. He approaches the crowd behind the yellow police tape.) Grissom: Mr., Uh, Goggle? Gil Grissom. (SYD GOGGLE is let through the police tape.) Syd Goggle: (to GRISSOM) I know who you are, sir. I've seen you on TV. Agent Rick Culpepper: Special Agent Culpepper. You have information for us, sir? About a man fleeing the scene? Syd Goggle: (to GRISSOM) I didn't get his license. I didn't think of it till this morning. But He was really burning rubber, though. Grissom: Would you please give Detective O'Riley a full statement? If we have any more questions, we'll get back to you. Syd Goggle: Listen, if you need any help in your investigation, Mr. Grissom ... Grissom: (interrupting) The last time a security guard tried to help me, he ended up dead. But thank you. (SYD GOGGLE walks past GRISSOM and follows SGT. O'RILEY.) Sgt. O'Riley: This way. (GRISSOM turns to the other two men.) Grissom: I'm late for an autopsy. (GRISSOM turns and leaves. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER puts his sunglasses back on and watches GRISSOM leave.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: He'll need a little patience. Agent Rick Culpepper: Wouldn't respect him if he didn't. (Both men head back toward the apartments.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY] (DR. ROBBINS goes over the body with NICK and GRISSOM.) Nick: What can you tell us? Dr. Albert Robbins: Nothing you don't know. Trauma to the head with a blunt object. Overwhelmed her. (Quick flashback to: In the bedroom, the intruder hits Eileen Snow. Hard. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: He got a mixture of sodium amytal in her. Nick: A hypnotic. (Quick flashback to: In the bedroom, EILEEN SNOW is out on the bed. The intruder is straddled across her as he forces the liquid down her throat. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Allowed him to control her for up to six hours. Torture her. Look at the bruises. (He points to the purple bruises on her face and neck. GRISSOM leans in to look.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Purple means she was alive for all of it. (Quick flashback to: In the bedroom, the intruder strangles EILEEN SNOW. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Percussive control. Grissom: He choked her unconscious and then brought her to multiple times. What about the rape? Dr. Albert Robbins: Same as the others: Indeterminate object caused severe internal lacerations. (DR. ROBBINS turns back to get the sample.) Dr. Albert Robbins: I did find a small trace of something creviced in the uterine wall. Looks like an everyday polymer to me. (He hands it over to NICK to look at.) (Camera zooms in for a close up of the item. Broken piece of unknown object with the letters "THA" on it.) Nick: Okay. I'll go back to the scene, try to find something like it. Grissom: (warning) Be careful, Nicky. The cliché's true. Signatures return to their scenes. Nick: Will do. (NICK turns and leaves.) Grissom: Are we done? Dr. Albert Robbins: Something we didn't find with the other two women. (DR. ROBBINS turns around and picks up a single strand of cotton fiber. He hands it to GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Fibers. One in the back of her throat. (Camera CGI POV close up of a fiber stuck in between two teeth. Flash to white. Resume GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: One stuck between her lower molars. Grissom: This looks like cotton. Maybe terry cloth. Dr. Albert Robbins: Hmmm. (GRISSOM glances at the body, then back at the fiber.) Grissom: Could be silencing them with ... white bath towels? Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, it would explain why no one hears the victim's screams. Grissom: He brings it with him and takes it away after. So, somewhere, there's evidence of this victim on a towel. Dr. Albert Robbins: Kind of a forensic smoking gun. Grissom: Mmm. Now we just have to find the guy and hope that he hasn't done his laundry. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE is in GREG'S lab. GREG reaches over to get the file folder.) Greg Sanders: The semen taken from this morning's homicide matches the semen taken from the bedsheets of the last two female victims. (GREG opens the file folder and takes out a sheet of paper. He hands it to CATHERINE.) Catherine: So, we're looking at the same guy. Greg Sanders: Yeah, but, check this out. The ejaculate sample. (GREG points to the microscope. CATHERINE looks at the sample through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW] of the white ejaculate with splotches of red Catherine: What's the red stuff? Greg Sanders: Mystery substance. Catherine: Not blood? Greg Sanders: No. Catherine: So, what, this guy's got some strange chemical in his mutated DNA? Greg Sanders: Freaky, huh? (CATHERINE sighs and turns to leave the lab. As she leaves, she turns around.) Catherine: Freakiest semen I've seen in a while. Call me. (CATHERINE steps out of the DNA lab and nearly bumps into the SHERIFF in the hallway. Literally.) Catherine: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (The SHERIFF looks at CATHERINE.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: Catherine, you busy? I was hoping we might be able to talk about a few things. Catherine: Pertaining to the case? Sheriff Brian Mobley: As a jumping-off point. Catherine: Well, Sheriff, I'd say let's go to my office, but I don't have one. (The SHERIFF glances behind him and says slyly.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, that's just the sort of thing I was hoping we would discuss. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY] [SCOPE VIEW] of the blunt tip of a strand of hair. (SARA looks up from the scope, a bit puzzled by the conclusions she's reaching. She turns and sees WARRICK walking by the lab door. She calls out to him.) Sara: Hey, Warrick you got a second? (WARRICK turns and walks into the lab.) Warrick: What's up? Sara: I got this hair that you guys found this morning and I'm trying to compare it to the one hair we recovered from the murder last week - the Hayes girl? Warrick: And you got a match microscopically but it doesn't mean a damn thing 'cause it still doesn't lead us to the guy? Sara: No. I can't even tell if we have a DNA match. There's no skin tag on either one. Warrick: Whoa, whoa, whoa. A girl defending herself against a guy is going to pull that hair out by the roots. (Quick CGI POV. Close up of female hand grabbing hair and ripping it out. Cut to: Microscopic close up of the skin tag at the root of the hair.) Warrick: (V.O.) I mean, you get scalp skin filled with DNA. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) (SARA is looking at the hair through the scope again.) Sara: No scalp, no skin. It's almost like this hair was ... Warrick: ... shed? (He nods. Then the pagers start beeping. Both SARA and WARRICK reach for their pagers.) Warrick: Mine. Sara: Mine. (They both check the numbers of the pagers.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (GRISSOM turns the corner in the hallway. He's carrying a file and NICK catches up to him from behind.) Nick: Hey, Gil, you want to give me the skinny on this meeting of yours? I'm on my way back to the crime scene. Grissom: What meeting? I'm going to evidence. (He points in front of him.) Nick: (shrugs) I got paged about the signature case. (SARA and WARRICK catch up with GRISSOM and NICK on their way to the meeting.) Sara: Hey, Warrick and I just got a break. The guy's been planting hairs. Warrick: Shedding. He's trying to throw us off. What he doesn't realize, we got no DNA on the hairs so we can't chase down his other suspect. (On the far end of the hall in front of them, GRISSOM sees some Federal Agents entering a conference room. He doesn't like the conclusions he's reaching.) Sara: Grissom ... are you hearing us? (GRISSOM approaches the door. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER and several Federal Agents are in the room and around the table.) PAN TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM slowly walks into the room.) Agent Rick Culpepper: You all got my page. Good. Grissom: I didn't. Agent Rick Culpepper: (brushes it aside) We'll get you a new battery. (GRISSOM is getting angry at the games these people are playing.) Agent Rick Culpepper: (continues) I thought we'd convo about the strangler. Hear what you've got tell you what we think our next move should be. (GRISSOM turns to his team.) Grissom: (softly) Would you guys go back to my office, please? I'll be in in a few minutes. (WARRICK, NICK and SARA turn and leave the room.) Grissom: I'll be happy to pass on any pertinent information you may have to my team. Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay. Fine. Got anything to report to us? Grissom: You first. Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay. We have an operation in place. Your CSI, Sidle, has expressed an interest to my agents in availing herself. I wanted to let you know before we made the official offer. Grissom: Really? What kind of operation? Agent Rick Culpepper: All this talk about your great capacity for observation. Sara Sidle matches the victim prototype to a "T." She's a young woman, brunette, tall for a female. (SARA walks back to the room. As if sensing her return, GRISSOM turns to look back at her. SARA meets his gaze. GRISSOM turns back to CULPEPPER.) Grissom: You're not serious. Agent Rick Culpepper: And by all reports, she's steady. Has the right personality for a decoy operation. Grissom: You're going to bait this guy with a human being? This is your big FBI plan Agent Rick Culpepper: Before he kills again, yes. Got a better idea? Grissom: Understanding him first, completely, so that we can get out ahead of him. (Behind him, SARA is getting impatient at what he's saying.) Agent Rick Culpepper: And if he kills again while we're trying to understand him? Grissom: Well, I'm sorry, but he's not going to kill my CSI. (GRISSOM indicates SARA behind him.) Sara: (interrupting) I'm going to do it, Grissom. (GRISSOM turns around, surprised.) Sara: I want to. Grissom: You want to put yourself in the path of a psychotic killer? Sara: I'm trained in weaponless defense. Grissom: Too bad, because that's what turns him on -- women fighting back. Gives him a greater sense of power when he makes his final kill. Sara: Grissom ... Grissom: (abruptly) Sit down, Sara. (GRISSOM turns back to CULPEPPER, who is vastly amused by the exchange he just witnessed. SARA moves to take a seat. GRISSOM looks at CULPEPPER.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay. If we're to follow your line of thinking are you out ahead of him? Grissom: Not yet. He knows just enough about forensics to be dangerous. He thinks he's throwing us off track by planting confederate hairs. He probably shaves his head maybe his entire body as DNA protection. Grissom: He may gag his victims using a garden-variety bath towel which he then takes with him as part of his murder kit. He will go after another tall brunette and the torture will be worse. But this time, he won't ejaculate. At least not at the scene. Agent Rick Culpepper: At home, later. He's learning control. Sara: Think he knows his next victim? (Without looking at her and still watching CULPEPPER, GRISSOM answers her.) Grissom: Signature killers always know their next victim. But they don't know him (GRISSOM suddenly turns to look directly at SARA.) Grissom: ... until he tortures, rapes and kills them. (Camera holds on SARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SATURN ARMS APARTMENT - NIGHT] (An OFFICER stands just outside the front door. Along the sidewalk a small shrine of flowers, candles and pictures is at the corner near the sidewalk.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. EILEEN SNOW'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT] (NICK walks to the door of EILEEN SNOW'S bedroom. He puts his kit down on the floor near the doorway, then pauses as he takes a deep breath before entering the bedroom. He shines his flashlight into the room and looks around at the bare bed, stripped of its sheets. The window next to it is open. NICK walks into the room.) (He looks around. The closet light is on. NICK doesn't pay too much attention to it. He continues to circle the room and look around.) (NICK walks up to the chair in front of the window and kneels down. He sees something on the floor near the chair cover and picks it up. He looks at it. It appears to be a piece of latex.) (Quick flashback to: The intruder puts on a pair of latex gloves. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (NICK hears something creak and turns around to look.) (He looks at the closet. The closet light is off. NICK shines the flashlight into the closet. He stands and slowly approaches the closet door. When he gets close enough, he reaches out a hand to push the door open.) (At the same time, a woman appears inside the closet, the closet light goes on, and everyone screams in surprise.) (NICK takes a step back.) Nick: Freeze! (LYNDA DARBY takes a step back into the closet. She bumps her back against the hanging clothes and holds up her hands showing that all she has in her right hand is a digital camera.) Nick: Hey. (NICK gets a good look at her and motions for her to get out.) Nick: Get out of there. Get out of the closet. Lynda Darby: Hmm. (LYNDA DARBY steps out of the closet.) Nick: What are you doing? Lynda Darby: Um, I a reporter. What? We know the police are withholding information from us, so I came down here because ... Nick: (interrupts) All right. Quiet. Quiet. Are you out of your mind? I could've killed you. This is a crime scene. You don't belong here. Unless you want me to get the cop at the front door you'll get out of here now. And I'd better not see any pictures of this apartment in your paper ... or I'll have the D.A. on your front door. Lynda Darby: I'm sorry that I scared you. Nick: You didn't scare me. (shakes his head) Mm-mm. Lynda Darby: Want to tell me what you found over by the window? Nick: No. Lynda Darby: (softly) Okay. (Not daring to push her luck more than she already has, LYNDA DARBY turns and heads out of the room. NICK watches her leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE pushes the door open and walks into the lab.) Catherine: Fast. I'm impressed. Greg Sanders: You got a hot dog? Catherine: This one of your jokes, Greg? Greg Sanders: I got the ketchup. Catherine: I'm sure this is meaningful. Greg Sanders: I went back and looked at the ejaculate from the last two murders. The same thing. "Indeterminate red stuff." It's c12, h22 and o11, nacl, h2o and tomato paste. Catherine: Sugar, water, salt and tomato paste. Ketchup? Greg Sanders: Ketchup. Catherine: Well, does he add it after or is it organic? Greg Sanders: Don't ask me why, but, uh ... he adds it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (GRISSOM scoffs as he looks at CATHERINE.) Grissom: I was expecting something a little more elemental. (CATHERINE stands in front of GRISSOM'S desk. He's behind it reading through GREG'S test results.) Catherine: When we zig, he zags. Grissom: Yeah, well, he's not as smart as he thinks, you know? I mean, ketchup is not going to mask the DNA in his semen. Catherine: All of which I'm sure you'll share with the FBI. Grissom: I'm sure. Catherine: Hey ... is it so bad to avail our lab to the resources of the federal government? (GRISSOM stares at CATHERINE and at her choice of words.) Grissom: (surprised) You've been to talking to our Sheriff. Catherine: I've been listening to our Sheriff. He says that you won't. Grissom: Yeah, yeah, I know. And if I don't shape up he going to have Ecklie take over the case. (GRISSOM scoffs.) Catherine: Well, no. He preferred someone from night shift and it may be more than just this case. (GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE and leans forward toward her into the desk.) Grissom: Ah. Now that the trees are gone, I can almost see the forest. (CATHERINE also leans in forward over the desk to look at GRISSOM.) Catherine: Gil ... learn to be more politic. (There's a light knock on the front door. NICK walks into the office.) Nick: You guys got a sec? He's wearing latex gloves. The thick kind, too. He must know the thin ones leave prints. (NICK hands the bagged latex sample to CATHERINE. She turns to look from NICK to GRISSOM.) Catherine: When we zig, he zags. (CATHERINE passes the bagged sample to GRISSOM. GRISSOM takes it and looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM is sitting in front of BRASS' desk.) Brass: What about Paul Millander? Maybe he's our guy. (BRASS sits down in his chair.) Brass: And, uh, he had the latex hands. And he's a serial. Grissom: Millander stages suicides in bathtubs with paternal figures. This guy's signature is overkill rage against young women. It's completely different. Brass: Maybe our brethren at the FBI have some sort of special database. Grissom: (surprised) When did you become friendly with the Feds? I didn't think you had that in you. Brass: Never make an enemy when you can just as easily make a friend. FBI's okay. I've kissed worse ass. But I've got to say I don't like this decoy op the Feds are talking up. (GRISSOM leans forward in his chair. Suddenly, this conversation really interests him.) Brass: I remember when Holly Gribbs died. I sent her out in the field and she wasn't ready. Grissom: (firmly) I told Culpepper that he could not have Sara. Brass: I know what you told him. (Camera holds on GRISSOM as he realizes what BRASS is implying.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - NIGHT] (OFFICER cars are gathered under the bridge.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay, listen up. All personnel will be tethered to our decoy by this radio. (AGENT RICK CULPEPPER stands in the open doorway of the back of the van. Inside the van, the techs help SARA on with the mic. She pulls her shirt down.) (GRISSOM'S tahoe pulls up.) Agent Rick Culpepper: According to Captain James Brass two of our assailant's victims patronized this specialty grocery store to which we are about to embark forthwith two days before they turned up dead. (GRISSOM and BRASS get out of the car. GRISSOM walks up to the van.) Agent Rick Culpepper: There's a very good chance our assailant will re-frequent this store, looking for his next victim. [EXT. NEAR FBI VAN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (SARA steps out of the van just as GRISSOM reaches it.) Grissom: (angry) This is a pretty flimsy excuse to get your circus up and running, don't you think? Agent Rick Culpepper: Lives are at stake. I'll take flimsy over nothing. (CULPEPPER steps down from the van.) Grissom: This is action for action's sake Culpepper. You're risking my CSI's life. (CULPEPPER doesn't say anything and walks away. SARA steps up to GRISSOM.) Sara: Look, this is my idea. I want to do something before another girl gets killed and ... Grissom: Listen to me, Sara. If we study his past, we can predict his future. Sara: You've been saying that for weeks. It's taking too long. Someone else is going to die and you're still going to be figuring it out. (GRISSOM stares at SARA as if seeing her for the first time.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay, Sidle we're good to go. Sara: Wish me luck. (SARA turns and leaves. GRISSOM stands there stunned. She steps up into the van past CULPEPPER who simply looks at GRISSOM.) (Frustrated and helpless, GRISSOM turns around and looks at BRASS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GROCERY STORE -- NIGHT] (SARA walks cautiously through the grocery store. She carries her shopping basket her grasp. "Danke schoen" plays over the pa system.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. FBI SURVEILLANCE VAN] (Inside the van, CULPEPPER and GRISSOM sit side-by-side watching the various camera monitors on SARA.) (Cut to: In his car parked outside the store, BRASS watches as the front door opens and a customer walks out.) (Back inside the store, SARA continues to troll the aisles. She stops and stares at a male shopper. He turns to look at her. His companion walks up to the cart and puts something in it. SARA moves along.) (Inside the van, CULPEPPER looks at his watch and sighs.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Oh ... it's three hours expended. (clears throat.) Maybe we should reposition over at that Borders book store. Gets a lot of foot traffic in there according to the field agents. (Inside the store, SARA walks up to a display and takes an item off the shelf to look at it.) (A man carrying his own basket appears in the aisle. SARA glances at him, then puts the item in her hand back on the shelf. The man walks past the aisle.) (SARA looks up, then back at the shelf.) (The man turns around and walks back into the aisle where SARA is. He watches her intently, then turns around to pick something up off the shelf. He turns back to her.) (Cut to: Inside the van on the monitors, GRISSOM sees the double take and the man head for SARA.) Grissom: Whoa. (CULPEPPER looks up at the monitor. GRISSOM points to the monitor) That guy's coming back. (Inside the store, the MALE SHOPPER walks up to SARA.) Male Shopper: Would you happen to have a cigarette? Sara: Uh ... yeah, actually. (SARA reaches into her bag to get the cigarettes.) INTERCUT WITH: Grissom: (nervous) Culpepper ... Agent Rick Culpepper: Let her play. Male Shopper: (from monitor) I've been trying to quit. Didn't want to buy a pack. Sara: Me, too. This is my last pack ... but, uh, I say that every week, so ... (She offers it to him. He takes a cigarette out of the pack. She puts the pack back in her bag.) (Inside the van, GRISSOM and CULPEPPER watch the interplay.) Male Shopper: (from monitor) Non-filtered. The women I know smoke filtered-- you know those long, skinny cigarettes? (He smiles at her.) Sara: Guess it depends on the woman. Male Shopper: Guess it does. (He puts the cigarette between his lips.) Male Shopper: You got a light? Sara: Sure. Yeah. (SARA looks down into her bag to search for the light. She takes her eyes off of the shopper in front of her. He glances around.) Male Shopper: You live around here? Sara: Maybe. (The SHOPPER tucks the cigarette on his right ear. SARA looks up at him.) Sara: I don't usually give out that kind of information. Male Shopper: It's probably smart. I wouldn't tell me either. You're cute. Sara: Thanks. (He glances to the side. SARA automatically glances to the side, too. He reaches for her bag, his hand slipping inside.) (CULPEPPER alerts the officers.) Agent Rick Culpepper: All right, we're on the move. Let's go. (The van doors open and GRISSOM jumps out of the van. CULPEPPER and the other OFFICERS follow, their guns drawn and cocking them as they run. He heads for the store.) (The MALE SHOPPER reaches into SARA'S bag and grabs something. She turns around and shouts.) Sara: Hey! (FBI OFFICERS with their guns drawn converge on SARA and the MALE SHOPPER.) Officer: Don't move! (He immediately takes a step back and holds up SARA'S wallet.) Male Shopper: I'll give it back. Here. (He drops the wallet to the floor as the FBI AGENT cuffs him behind his back. GRISSOM picks up the wallet.) (A cell-phone rings. CULPEPPER answers it.) Agent Rick Culpepper: (to phone) Yeah, Culpepper. (pause) Time and coordinate? (pause) Yeah, will do. (hangs up) All right, gentlemen. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I do not believe this is our man. Grissom: What was your first clue? Agent Rick Culpepper: Murder at the Monaco Hotel. Woman found bound in her room stripped and strangled. (CULPEPPER turns and leaves. GRISSOM turns and looks at SARA.) Sara: He met the profile. (GRISSOM hands the wallet back to SARA.) Grissom: Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to do nothing. (They both turn and head out of the store.) [SCENE_BREAK] FADE TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MONACO HOTEL ROOM - EARLY MORNING] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the hotel room. Inside, BRASS and CULPEPPER are interviewing the victim's husband.) (GRISSOM stares at the body on the bed.) Catherine: Starting to look like deja vu all over again. (He glances over at the husband.) Grissom: Hmm. (CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM noting that he doesn't particularly sound convinced.) Catherine: Not? Grissom: Occasionally I'm struck by the absence of evidence. Catherine: (sighs) It's there or it isn't. (CATHERINE turns to look at the scene.) Grissom: The lamp -- cord's still attached. All the others, he yanked the cords off. Look at the table. Books aren't even disturbed. Catherine: Staged? Grissom: (shrugs) First time in a hotel? First time he didn't come in through the window? Catherine: I don't think he made a deposit ... either. (CULPEPPER heads toward them catching CATHERINE'S comment.) Agent Rick Culpepper: That just means his signature's evolving isn't that right, Grissom? (GRISSOM doesn't answer him. BRASS joins the group.) Grissom: (to BRASS) Who's that guy? Brass: He's the husband. His name's Brad Walden. They're locals, come here a couple times a year. He was downstairs playing poker. She was up here reading a romance novel. He comes back five grand richer. He finds her like this. Grissom: Husband? Let's bring him in. Agent Rick Culpepper: (nods and turns) I'll transport the witness. (GRISSOM stops him.) Grissom: Witness? (CULPEPPER looks at GRISSOM.) Grissom: Suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - HALLWAY - DAY] (GRISSOM walks down the hallway toward DR. ROBBINS just coming out of the autopsy room.) Grissom: What did you get? Dr. Albert Robbins: I posted the lady from the hotel, and I have to say it's the same menu as the last three-- chemical restraint, overligature, death by strangulation. Grissom: What about the object-rape? Indeterminate polymer? Dr. Albert Robbins: No, this one's different. Grissom: Different how? (They both turn and head back into the autopsy room.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY] [MAGNIFYING GLASS VIEW] of the piece of leather. Dr. Albert Robbins: Cross-hatched leather, with tiny air holes for breathing. (GRISSOM looks at DR. ROBBINS.) Dr. Albert Robbins: I was thinking driving gloves, or weightlifting gloves, or ... (DR. ROBBINS looks up and sees the autopsy room door swing shut. GRISSOM'S gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (CULPEPPER interviews BRAD WALDEN.) Agent Rick Culpepper: I'm not accusing you of anything, but a man and his wife get a hotel room for a romantic weekend then spend that whole weekend apart -- makes me wonder if there's trouble in the marriage. Brad Walden: I like ... to gamble. She liked to read. It was, you know ... just the perfect getaway. (The door opens and GRISSOM walks in.) Grissom: You liked to play golf, too. (CULPEPPER watches as GRISSOM brings in a hard golf club case. He sets it up near the table.) Grissom: These are your golf clubs. We found them in your hotel room. I prefer a titanium driver, Mr. Walden. I'd like to see what you use, but your carrier is locked. Brad Walden: Yeah, I have a key on my keychain ... my car keys. Grissom: So you won't mind opening it, though? Brad Walden: No ... (BRAD WALDEN reaches into his pants pocket to get the keys.) Brad Walden: uh, uh, w-why? Grissom: Well, so I can see if the leather on your club handles matches the leather from the object used to violate your wife. (GRISSOM holds up a baggie with the leather sample in it to show BRAD WALDEN. CULPEPPER takes the baggie and looks at it. BRAD WALDEN stands up and unlocks the golf case.) Brad Walden: Well, I-I, you know, if it does ... I read that this, uh ... this, uh, you know, character uses whatever is at the scene of the crime for, uh ... for killing his victims. (GRISSOM takes out a golf club. Realizing where GRISSOMS is going with this, CULPEPPER looks at WALDEN in a new light. GRISSOM puts the club on the table.) Grissom: Well, if this "character" ... killed your wife? How did he get your clubs out of the case without the keys? (One by one, GRISSOM looks for the club.) Grissom: Or, for that matter back into the case after he killed your wife? (He places the third club on the table.) (The very next golf club he pulls out is the one with the ripped handle. Camera zooms in for a close up of the frayed leather.) (GRISSOM shows the club handle to CULPEPPER who holds up the baggied sample next to it. GRISSOM turns to look at WALDEN.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Read this man his rights, please. (beat) You're under arrest for the murder of Jennifer Walden ... and Eileen Snow, ... (Surprised at the leap, GRISSOM turns to look at CULPEPPER as the officers arrest BRAD WALDEN.) Agent Rick Culpepper: ... and Tracy Berg, and ... (GRISSOM puts the golf club in one hand and reaches for the baggied sample with the other. He stops CULPEPPER.) Grissom: (interrupts) Can I have a word with you outside... please? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM walks out into the hallway; CULPEPPER follows close behind and closes the door to the interview room behind him.) Grissom: You can't charge him for the other women. Agent Rick Culpepper: What do you mean? Grissom: For the murder of his wife, maybe but I am certain that he didn't do the others. Agent Rick Culpepper: Every piece of the signature is there. Grissom: (sighs) He read the papers -- he piggybacked on top of the killer. Agent Rick Culpepper: For what possible reason? Grissom: Who knows? Convenient way out of a lousy marriage? He's not our guy. Agent Rick Culpepper: You know, this is where I like to reference the majesty and the power of the Republic of the United States of America. Grissom: Go ahead. Pull rank. But that hotel crime scene was staged to look like the signature's. Agent Rick Culpepper: And that golfer just got lucky that the victim type fits his wife to a Texas T, is that it? Grissom: If you stop and think, you'll see it. Agent Rick Culpepper: Duly noted, Supervisor Grissom. (He turns and walks away from GRISSOM shouting over his shoulder as he leaves.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Duly noted. (CULPEPPER walks back into the interview and shuts the door behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT] (Close up of the television monitor during the news report. The heading on the bottom of the screen reads: STRIP STRANGLER CAUGHT.) Paula Francis (tv Reporter): Details of the arrest will be forthcoming in this live report. (SARA walks past the break room and sees the news report through the glass from the hallway.) Paula Francis (tv Reporter): Federal Agent Culpepper is about to start his news conference. As we've been reporting, a suspect has been arrested in the strip-strangler case. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (In a press conference to the media, CULPEPPER gives his report.) Agent Rick Culpepper: We believe that Bradley Mac Walden not only killed his wife but also took the lives of Audrey Hayes and Eileen Snow and Tracy Berg. Our field agents have divulged that Mr. Walden lived within two miles of the other victims worked in the same office building as Ms. Snow and has no believable explanation for his whereabouts on the dates of their murders. We believe that Bradley Mac Walden found and stalked these victims, and ... (CATHERINE walks into the conference room and takes the seat next to GRISSOM.) Catherine: (softly) I just talked with Brass. He said that Walden was having an affair with a dentist in his office. Grissom: I'm telling you, this guy did not kill those other women. (Overhearing GRISSOM, the reporter sitting in the seat two rows in front of him turns around to look back at GRISSOM. It's LYNDA DARBY.) Agent Rick Culpepper: This statement is concluded. Las Vegas, its locals and visitors can rest a little easier tonight. A suspect is in custody. Thank you. I'll take some questions. (While the other media reporters raise their hands to be recognized by the AGENT on stage, LYNDA DARBY turns around and addresses GRISSOM.) Lynda Darby: Mr. Grissom-- LYNDA DARBY, Las Vegas Tribune. As the lead CSI on this case, do you have anything to add to the FBI statement? Catherine: (warning) Politics ... (GRISSOM glances at CATHERINE.) Grissom: (to LYNDA DARBY) No. (In the front row, SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY turns around to look at GRISSOM.) Lynda Darby: (to GRISSOM) So, Las Vegas can breathe easier? You do have the Strip Strangler behind bars? (Unwilling to lie, GRISSOM answers her.) Grissom: No, we don't. (GRISSOM glances at CATHERINE who knows what this means. GRISSOM stands up and leaves.) Agent Rick Culpepper: (b.g.) That's all the information we have. (SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY watches GRISSOM leave. He turns and faces the front of the room as the reporters continue to shout out their questions.) (CATHERINE sees MOBLEY in the front of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. -- DAWN] (SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY and GRISSOM walk outside the building.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: The FBI did me a favor being here and they have a viable suspect. Grissom: He's not viable, Brian. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Then further investigation will prove that out. In the meantime, people will feel better about their daily lives. Now, why on earth would you want to counteract that? Grissom: For those who have to ask, no answer could suffice. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, I see we've come to an impasse. If further investigation determines that Walden didn't kill those other women then you can rejoin the investigation. Grissom: Oh, do I get the weekend off? Sheriff Brian Mobley: For starters ... and a two-week holiday ... anywhere but CSI. You brought this on yourself. Now, the next time you want to play with my career, maybe you'll think twice. (THE SHERIFF leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- MORNING] (GRISSOM closes his locker door and heads out the room. The entire team is in the locker room upset by the decision to remove GRISSOM from the investigation.) Nick: You know, it's not fair, Grissom. You know more about signatures than most of them put together. Catherine: That may have been the problem. Warrick: Is there's no one you can appeal to? Grissom: No ... (he shrugs) I'm off. (SARA remains quiet.) Warrick: Come on, this guy's on the loose and there's nothing you can do? Grissom: It's all Catherine. She's the boss. (CATHERINE looks up at GRISSOM.) Grissom: Good luck. (GRISSOM turns and leaves the locker room ... and his team. Cut to reaction shots of SARA, WARRICK, NICK, and CATHERINE. Camera holds on CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S HOME - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (The door opens and GRISSOM walks into his living room. He puts his briefcase down and turns on the stereo. Classical music fills the room. He goes to the kitchen to get his medicine. He opens the fridge to get some water. He opens a prescription medication bottle and tips out a couple of tablets into the palm of his hand.) (He swallows them and takes a sip of water. He sighs and caps the bottle up tight.) (He puts his glasses on and opens the file in front of him and goes over the file.) (Quick flashback to: Just outside the bedroom window, the intruder watches a woman asleep inside.) (Cut to: The intruder suffocates the woman with a cord wrapped around her neck.) (Cut to: The intruder wipes the dead woman's hands with a towel. Cut to: The intruder wipes the dead woman's body of any evidence he's been there.) (End of flashback. Resume to GRISSOM.) (GRISSOM takes off his glasses and closes his eyes. He leans back against the arm of the couch and chucks his shoes off to the floor. He leans back and sighs.) [VISITOR'S POV] (Camera moves into the living room from the door. The visitor's sights are on GRISSOM on the couch. The visitor slowly crosses the living room toward GRISSOM.) Catherine: Hey! (GRISSOM jumps up and turns around. CATHERINE walks up to him.) Catherine: Your door was open. You okay? (CATHERINE picks up the prescription medication bottle and looks at it.) Catherine: Migraine. It's been a while. Grissom: (retorts) I'm not used to having people in my house. Catherine: You just don't like it when you can't solve a case or command your troops. (CATHERINE turns and walks away toward the shelves.) Grissom: (sighs) Did you come here to tell me about your new job? (CATHERINE looks at the books on GRISSOM'S shelves.) Catherine: I told the Sheriff I'd pass. Grissom: You don't want to be a Supervisor? Catherine: Well, if I get a promotion, I want it to be on merit ... not because you're politically tone-deaf. (CATHERINE turns around to look at GRISSOM.) Catherine: So, our guys are outside in their Tahoes. If you're a civilian, we are. (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE as he realizes what she's saying.) Catherine: Except we are putting in for overtime. (CATHERINE heads for the front door.) (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (SARA, NICK and WARRICK are sitting around GRISSOM'S table having a meeting just as if they were at work.) Grissom: We should reexamine each victim--all the evidence pertaining to each one individually. Nick: All right, well, I got dibs on Eileen Snow. And I have a strong feeling I'm going to be the one to break the case. Sara: Tracy Berg. Warrick: I got Audrey Hayes, but those fibers we found in the Snow lady's throat aren't going to give us anything. White cotton fibers are like oxygen -- they're everywhere ... Grissom: Well, then go back to your crime scenes and look for a persistence of fibers. Warrick: "If you can't prove uniqueness, prove abundance." (With their assignments, everyone stands up and leaves.) Grissom: Something's better than nothing. Warrick: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI LAB -- DAY] (Camera opens on the computer monitor with the results of the DNA search. GREG taps the monitor screen.) Greg Sanders: Hunter F. Baumgartner. Our ketchup DNA guy. Catherine: This guy showed up on the database. (CATHERINE pulls out the chair and sits down.) Greg Sanders: CODIS (TM) updates its database every couple weeks. Catherine: Yeah, well, don't act like it's so simple. This guy could have gone another year without being picked up. What did they get him on? Greg Sanders: Well, indecent exposure. Caught in an alley behind the Monaco. Catherine: Oh. (reads) Suspended sentence, released two days ago. Call Grissom on his cell. Greg Sanders: I thought he was off the case. Catherine: He is. Dial. Tell him to meet me at this guy's work address. (GREG nods to do it as CATHERINE gets up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. "THE DUNGEON'S CLUB" -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk up to the entrance of the bar. Inside, rock music blares.) Catherine: You think anything illegal goes on in here? (GRISSOM pushes the bars open. CATHERINE walks in. They both walk up to the bar where the bartender restocks on ice. GRISSOM holds the photo of the man they're looking for and compares it to the bartender.) Grissom: Excuse me? Hunter? (The bartender looks up and walks over to them.) Hunter Baumgartner: Yeah. (amused as he looks at them.) You two look like you made a wrong turn somewhere. Catherine: We're with the crime lab. Heard you just copped a plea for indecent exposure. Hunter Baumgartner: I'm sorry, I'm working. (HUNTER turns to leave, GRISSOM stops him.) Grissom: Uh-uh. (GRISSOM starts putting out the photos on the counter.) Grissom: You recognize any of these women? (He looks at the photos.) Hunter Baumgartner: Yeah. Strip Strangler girls. They are all over TV. Grissom: Do you know them? Hunter Baumgartner: No. Catherine: How do you explain your DNA on the bedsheets they were murdered in? Hunter Baumgartner: I don't know. Grissom: Yeah, "I don't know" doesn't get it, pal. DNA's like fingerprints. No two samples are alike. You were in these women's bedrooms. Hunter Baumgartner: Believe me, Mister, the last place that you will find me is in a woman's bedroom. Unless we're discussing window treatments. Hey, and my indecent was for tricking too close to the boulevard. I don't know anything about killing women. That's straight boy stuff. Catherine: Any recent trick offer you money for something a little weird? Say a portable sample of your DNA? Hunter Baumgartner: Only about ten times this month. This is Vegas. Grissom: Would you be able to recognize any of these guys? Hunter Baumgartner: Well, I'd have to be looking at them in the face now, wouldn't I? (HUNTER looks at GRISSOM and playfully "bites" him. He turns and leaves. CATHERINE clears throat.) Catherine: I guess we should have known if our guy was planting hairs he was planting semen. Grissom: Yeah. Probably in little hollowed-out packets of ketchup. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Back at GRISSOM'S, SARA and WARRICK fill him in.) Sara: I didn't really find anything instructive but Warrick hit pay dirt. Warrick: Well, I went back Audrey Hayes' apartment and I paid particular attention to the point of entry. I found a small persistence of white cotton fibers. (Quick flash to: The camera moves low along the carpet till it stops at a couple of strands of cotton. One is picked up. End of flash. Resume to present.) Grissom: (thinking) Could have been the staging area. Maybe he wears his murder kit. (Quick flashback to: The intruder is pulling out a cotton towel from his jacket pocket. His hands are gloved, his face covered. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Well, I remember what you said about signature guys and how they have low self-esteem. They're always going to the gym to work out so I'm thinking gym towels. Sara: The frequented locations report said none of the women belong to a gym where he could have spotted them. Warrick: So ... I went back to see if any of them had tried out introductory offers. Sara: Which I do all the time. It's a free workout, and you don't have to sign up. Warrick: But you do have to sign in. (WARRICK holds out the sign in sheets to GRISSOM. He takes them and looks at them.) Warrick: All three women went to Strong's Gym once in the last three months. So, I'm going back there, grab some towels bring them back to the lab see if I can get a match from the crime scene fibers. Sara: And, of course, get a list of the club's male gym members. Grissom: Call Brass, tell him to meet you guys there. Let me know. Warrick: Will do. (WARRICK and SARA leave the place. GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.) Grissom: (on phone) Grissom. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - EVIDENCE VAULT -- DAY] (NICK is in the room on the phone talking softly.) Nick: (on phone) Yeah, I'm looking in front of Eileen Snow's apartment. This security guard said he saw a guy burn rubber out of there tight of Eileen's murder. Grissom: (on phone) I remember that guy. Nick: (on phone) Yeah, well, there's no rubber here. On the pavement or curb. A coup of oil spots, that's about it. And I called Brass. Nobody took any photographs of any tire marks. Not the Las Vegas P.D. Not the Feds. Grissom: (on phone) Hmm. Little lie, big lie? Nick: (on phone) Mm-hmm. (AGENT RICK CULPEPPER walks into the evidence vault and interrupts NICK'S phone call.) Agent Rick Culpepper: The only shift CSI I can actually find. You're tampering with evidence of the United States Government there, Mr. Stokes. Nick: I was just looking for a quiet spot to call my girlfriend. Agent Rick Culpepper: Well, tell your girlfriend she's going to have you out of a job. Best thing you could do for your boss -- protect him from himself. Nick: (innocently) Grissom? (on phone) I got to run, peanut. Love you, too. Bye-bye. (On the other end of the phone, GRISSOM stares at it.) (Back in the evidence vault, CULPEPPER watches NICK, then turns and leaves the room.) CUT BACK TO: [INT. GRISSOM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (With the new information, GRISSOM flips through the file looking for the name.) Grissom: Goggle. (Quick flashback to: SYD GOGGLE in his security guard uniform talks to GRISSOM.) Syd Goggle: If you need any help in your investigation, Mr. Grissom ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Syd Goggle. (GRISSOM closes the file.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. SYD GOGGLE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks down the sidewalk looking for the correct address. He compares it with the slip of paper in his hand. He walks down the steps looking for the residence.) (Cut to: GRISSOM walks up to the front door and knocks. The door isn't closed nicely. GRISSOM pauses for a moment, then pushes the door open. He looks into the room.) Grissom: Mr. Goggle? (From where he stands, GRISSOM can see the various items on the table. An open book turned over, some remote controls, a grip exerciser, an electric shaver, a brush and a barber's pair of scissors to name some.) (Quick flash to: The intruder using the electric shaver to shave off the hairs on his arm. The camera pulls back and we see that the intruder is bald. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM turns around and doesn't enter the apartment. He looks down the hallway, then looks down where he sees some splotches of clear liquid on the pavement directly in front of his feet.) (GRISSOM turns and looks down the hallway.) (Cut to: GRISSOM follows the liquid splotches on the pavement. The further he goes, the larger they get till finally he reaches the trash bin.) (GRISSOM kneels down and looks at the trash bag and looks inside. He finds discarded packets of ketchup.) (The sounds of a washing machine clunking distracts GRISSOM. He turns and looks down at the basement stairs nearby. He stands and follows the machine noise.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SYD GOGGLE'S LAUNDRY ROOM -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM descends the stairs into the laundry room where SYD GOGGLE is doing his laundry. He's leaning both hands on the washing machine, his back toward GRISSOM. When GRISSOM reaches the bottom of the laundry room, SYD GOGGLE turns around. GRISSOM shuts off his flashlight.) Syd Goggle: Gil Grissom. Grissom: Syd Goggle. Syd Goggle: I thought you were too busy with the FBI to talk to me. Grissom: These investigations are always in flux. Am I, uh, interrupting your laundry? (GRISSOM pockets his flashlight. SYD GOGGLE walks toward the basket full of white cotton gym towels.) Syd Goggle: I'm just doing some gym towels. (GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He stares at the hair on SYD GOGGLE'S head. SYD notices it and calmly, boldly takes off his wig. He drops it on the table between them.) Grissom: You were so meticulous about so many things. Shaving. The gloves. Planted evidence. That's why I don't understand why you'd bring towels that eventually could be tracked. Syd Goggle: I don't know what you're talking about. Grissom: Strong's gym. That's where the women told you to you to get lost, right? Stuffing club towels down their throat make your point? Syd Goggle: You know, the thing with women ... is they work out because they want us to look at them. And then they ... parade around. And you just want to ... say hello. (As he talks, SYD folds the towel and wrings it in his hands, as if he's done this before.) Syd Goggle: Everybody knows white cotton fibers aren't like fingerprints. They can't be traced. You don't get a ... match on a towel. Grissom: In theory. But the truth is every object is changed by its owner. By his habits. His ... washing machine, for instance. His detergent. (GRISSOM glances at the washing machine. SYD GOGGLE smiles and walks toward GRISSOM.) Syd Goggle: The totality of microscopic elements. It's Locard's Theory. (GRISSOM nods. The washing machine starts thumping as the towels clump inside the machine.) Grissom: Your towel is caught in the agitator. (SYD turns to look at the washing machine.) Grissom: Now, see, that's going to leave distinctive marks on the fabric, Syd. And that's just the beginning. I've had a look at your garbage. Syd Goggle: (surprised, but pleased) You were in my apartment. Now, nothing from there's admissible in court. Grissom: Your garbage is in a public area ... plain sight. It's enough for me to get a warrant. (SYD knows that he's caught. Things happen fast. The washing machine starts to make loud noises. GRISSOM turns to look in that direction. SYD grabs a wrench off of the nearby table with the tools on it. He swings. GRISSOM raises a hand to block the blow to his head and gets caught in the side of his arm. He goes down.) (SYD drops the wrench and uses two hands to pick up a short-handled shovel. He raises it high above his head to swing. GRISSOM puts up a hand to block the blow when a gun is fired.) (Standing on the stairs, CATHERINE fires multiple times at SYD GOGGLE. He screams. She continues firing. He falls down backward and drops the shovel.) (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE and slowly gets up.) Catherine: You all right? (Clutching his arm, GRISSOM gets to his feet. He glances between SYD GOGGLE on the ground dead and CATHERINE standing right next to him.) Grissom: (breathing heavily) Yeah. How did you know I was here? Catherine: Nick told me. (they both look down at the body. CULPEPPER slowly walks down the basement stairs, his gun in his hands.) Agent Rick Culpepper: Everybody okay? (to radio) Special agents, we got a shooting. Notify LVPD and paramedics ASAP. (CULPEPPER walks past GRISSOM. Grissom: I just wanted to talk to him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREASY SPOON ALL-NIGHT DINER - DAY] (On the television monitors, SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY holds a news conference.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: (over tv) We can say unequivocally, based on statements made by a certain local law enforcement employee and corresponding evidence that the deceased, Syd Booth Goggle is the Strip Strangler. Furthermore, since Goggle was killed by a second member of Las Vegas Law Enforcement during his apprehension, this case is now closed. I would like to thank the FBI, along with Special Agent Rick Culpepper for his invaluable leadership in this pursuit. In short, we couldn't have done it without you. (GRISSOM and the CSI team sit in a booth at the local diner. They watch the news conference while waiting for their breakfast.) Special Agent Rick Culpepper: (over tv) I'd like to thank you, sheriff, Las Vegas Police. I'd also like to thank the citizens of Las Vegas for their courage. We at the Federal Bureau of Investigation are proud to have served you. Thank you. Warrick: Aw, that's cool. We don't need props. At the end of the day, we know what time it is. Nick: Give me some of that. Sara: Do we have a breakfast budget, Grissom? Grissom: I believe Catherine was going to requisition one. Sara: Good, cause our plates are up, and nobody has any money. (SARA stands up to get the plates. WARRICK follows to help her.) Warrick: Right behind you. Nick: (smiles at WARRICK) You, uh... you got me, right, War? Warrick: Yeah. Picture that. (NICK also stands up to help. GRISSOM and CATHERINE sit across from each other in the booth.) Grissom: I never should have put you in that position, Catherine. I'm sorry. Catherine: What position? Never doubt and never look back. That's how I live my life. Grissom: I admire that. (Everyone returns with the plates.) Sara: Whole wheat and fruit? Who ordered that? (GRISSOM motions for his plate.) Grissom: Here. Nick: How's this for service? (The plates are distributed. WARRICK slips back into his seat.) Catherine: Very good. Nick: Re... fried beans. Mmm! (Everyone laughs. SARA pulls up her chair to the table and takes her seat. They all settle in for breakfast as the camera slowly pulls away from the table.)

Plan: A: his team; Q: Who does Grissom work with? A: murders; Q: What is the crime being investigated? A: a signature killer; Q: What kind of killer is the murderer? A: forensic science; Q: What does the killer have enough knowledge of to leave little evidence behind? A: a dead end; Q: What does the investigation seem to be at? A: the sheriff; Q: Who brings in the F.B.I.? A: Grissom's dismay; Q: What is Grissom's reaction to the F.B.I. being brought in? A: Grissom's anger; Q: What grows when the F.B.I. wants to use Sara as bait? A: bait; Q: What do the F.B.I. want to use Sara as? Summary: Grissom and his team investigate a series of murders by a signature killer . The killer has enough knowledge of forensic science to leave little evidence behind. When the investigation seems to be at a dead end, the sheriff brings in the F.B.I. , to Grissom's dismay. Grissom's anger only grows when they want to lure out the killer, with Sara as bait.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Emma: It was Excalibur. It was just a small cut. Merlin: A wound from it cannot be healed. Emma: I can use the Promethean Flame to release you from Excalibur, and then I can tether Hook's life to it instead. Hook: ( Straining ) I'm not as strong as you are. I've succumbed to darkness. Emma: But our future. Emma: Really? Zelena: I found this outside. I suppose it's not the Dark One... more like the Dark Ones. Are you ready to learn what else happened in Camelot? Hook: Aye. But first we have to take care of her. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Get on with it, Captain. That squid ink's going to wear off soon. Emma: Killian, please. What are you doing? Hook: You took my memories, Swan. You tried to stop me from knowing the truth. And now I'm going to return the favor. Zelena: ( Laughs ) By the look on your face, it would appear someone needs restraining. ( Zelena puts the magic blocking cuff on Emma. ) Zelena: There. No more magic for you. Now, I assume, given my helpfulness, you'll allow me to go about my business undeterred. Hook: As long as you don't get in my way, I won't get in yours. Zelena: Ah. I like this new you. Tell me, how does it feel to be a Dark One? Hook: It feels like I've been reborn. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Dark One Vault. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: ( Screaming ) ( The Darkness makes Hook relive his worst memories. ) ( Jolly Roger, watching Milah's heart being crushed. ) Hook: Milah! ( Rumplestiltskin cutting off Hook's hand. ) Hook: You're no less a coward. Rumplestiltskin: I want you to suffer. ( Mr. Gold, taking Killian's heart while he is bound to the gate of the mansion, unable to save Emma, who unwittingly may get sucked into the sorcerer's hat. ) Hook: Just do it. ( Mr. Gold, beginning to crush Killian's heart in order to use the sorcerer's hat. ) Mr. Gold: I promised you we'd have some fun first. ( Emma, choosing to sacrifice herself to the Darkness in order to save Regina. ) Hook: Emma, please! ( Hook emerges from the vault. ) Darkness: Hi. Hook: Bloody Crocodile. Darkness: Not exactly, but I understand the confusion. Hook: ( Yells ) Darkness: That's not gonna work. I'm not out here. I'm in there. I am your guide... the voice in your head. Hook: Save your speech. I know who you are. All the Dark Ones in my head. But it doesn't matter I won't listen to you. Darkness: What if I told you that together, I could get you the one thing you've wanted for hundreds of years? Your revenge. ( Giggles ) That's right. I saw what you saw, dearie. I saw your pain. And I can ease it. Stick with me and you will finally do what you never could before. Hook: And what's that? Darkness: Why, kill me, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Emma! David: I'll check the basement. Regina: I'll get the upstairs. Mary Margaret: Emma! Emma! ( Mary Margaret sees Emma lying down on the couch with the magic-blocking cuff on. ) Mary Margaret: Emma. Hey. What happened? Regina: You turned Hook into a Dark One? Emma: It was the only way to save him. Regina: And you didn't think of the consequences to everyone else? Emma: I couldn't just let him die. You can understand that. Regina: Well, yes, but... ( Sighs ) Now we have a bigger problem. Emma: I know. I didn't think any of this would happen. I was trying to get rid of the darkness for good. You can't tell me, after all Zelena's done to you, your life wouldn't be easier if she were gone. I was doing you a favor. Mary Margaret: Come on. This is premeditated murder, Emma. There had to be another way. You should have come to us. Emma: And risk losing someone else? I thought the best way to control the darkness was to isolate myself. But when I did that, there was no one around to give me hope or tell me when I was being stupid! Regina: Fine. You're being stupid. So stop it. Right now, we have to clean up this mess. Mary Margaret: No. We don't. Give us back our memories. Your dreamcatchers... Regina can access them, can't she? We can piece together Hook's plan and stop him. David: I'm afraid not. Dreamcatchers you said were in the shed... They're gone. Regina: What the hell is Captain Dark One up to? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: Emma turned you into a Dark One? Mr. Gold: And now you've come for your revenge. Hook: The thought had crossed my mind. For this lovely piece of hardware, I think I'll take your hand. For Milah, your heart. For filling Emma with the darkness... hmm, I think your head will do quite nicely. Mr. Gold: So what are you waiting for? Get on with it. Hook: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. I've been waiting centuries for this moment. And I really want to... ( Breathes deeply ) savor it. ( Hook takes a sword off a shelf and slides it across the floor to Mr. Gold. ) Hook: Get your affairs in order, dearie, for we duel at noon on my ship. Where it all began. Gold: How poetic. But we both know this weapon cannot kill you. Hook: Ah, true. That sword can't kill me. But this one... can. Mr. Gold: Excalibur. Belle: You have it. Hook: Aye. Well, now that it's whole, it can no longer control me. But it can... oh, oh, oh!... kill me. All you have to do is take it from me. So, what say you, Crocodile? Shall we finish what we started? Mr. Gold: Indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Regina's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Once a pirate, always a pirate. Mr. Gold: As a man, Hook spent centuries trying to kill me. It makes sense that revenge would be on his mind. Emma: Why wipe my memory if he was going to announce his plan anyway? There must be more to it. Belle: Yeah, well, even if there is, we only have until noon to stop him. And to save you. ( Belle grabs Mr. Gold's hand. ) David: What about Merlin's message? He said this "Nimue" is the key to stopping the Dark One. Emma: Nimue was Merlin's true love. Mr. Gold: And she was also the first Dark One. Emma: I know. How do we find out more about her? Mr. Gold: Start your search with the Dark One chronicles. There are many texts that can help us. Emma: As much as I appreciate devotion to scholarship, there is an easier way. I am still a Dark One. I can protect you, Gold. You just have to take off the cuff. Mr. Gold: ( Chuckles ) Emma: You don't trust me. ( Emma looks at Mary Margaret, David, and Regina in turn. ) Mr. Gold: Well, if the situations were reversed, would you trust me? Henry: So it's true. You're here. Emma: Henry. I need you to tell them it's okay to take off this cuff. It's the only way to figure it all out. Henry: No. Emma: What? Henry: You lied to us... about Hook, about everything. Why should we trust you now? Emma: Henry, I'm your mother. Henry: Are you? Because the mom I knew wouldn't keep things from me. Emma: I thought you were the one person who would understand. Henry: I thought you were the one person I could trust. Emma: So you can forgive Regina and Gold for everything they've done, but not me? Henry: They've changed. They showed me they changed. Emma: So did I. Henry: When we first met, yeah. But the minute things got tough, you didn't come to anybody. You decided that you would figure it out on your own. We were a team. Emma: Operation Cobra. I remember. Henry: But now you just want your dark magic back so you can do it alone. And I've seen what you do with dark magic. ( Henry runs upstairs ) Regina: He needs time, Emma. Belle: We should really get to the library. We've got a lot to do. Regina: I have a stop to make first. I'll meet you there. Emma: Let me guess... I'm not invited. Mary Margaret: Emma. We love you. Emma: You don't trust me. David: We don't trust the darkness. Stay here and let us save you. It's for the best. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Dark One Vault. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin: There's nothing we can do. It's too late. The vault has already forged Hook as its new Dark One. Mary Margaret: He went this way. This way! And then the tracks disappear. David: We should split up, search the woods. Regina: He's a Dark One. He can transport himself anywhere. So can Emma. David: We've got to start looking somewhere. Merlin: There's no time. Of all the paths I foresaw for your daughter, I'm afraid that this was the darkest. We should return to Granny's. Even without my magic, I still have enough ingredients to make preparations. David: I don't care how bad things got... Emma wouldn't hurt us. Merlin: Maybe. But this new Dark One, we need as many allies as we can get. Mary Margaret: Lancelot, your mother's the Lady of the Lake. Could she help us? Lancelot: Perhaps. David: Perhaps? ( Sighs ) Merlin: Lancelot, you should go. She does have great power. The lake is but a two-day journey from here. It's worth a try. Lancelot: And if I don't make it in time? Merlin: Well, then you get to spend your last moments with your mother. David: We were so close, Mary Margaret. Emma was seconds away from destroying the darkness and ending this. Mary Margaret: And Hook would have been dead. She chose love, David. And we would have done the same thing. We'd share one heart because we took the same kind of risk that Emma took. We save each other. That is what our family does. So have some faith in her. David: I do. I just hope her faith in Hook is justified. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Woods. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: What the devil am I wearing? Why must Dark Ones dress like monks? Darkness: Yes, much better. I went leather as well. Hook: Get out of here. Darkness: Try to ignore me. Bet you can't. Hook: Talk all you want, spirit. I know you're lying. There's no way that I can get my revenge when Gold's in Storybrooke and I'm trapped here in Camelot. Darkness: Well, that's where we come in, dearie. Might I suggest a dark curse? Hook: And crush the heart of the one I love most to enact it? No, no, no. I won't kill Emma. Darkness: Yeah, but there's always a loophole. Emma: Killian! It worked! You're alive! Hook: Aye. It did. After spending centuries quelling my bloodlust, you threw me right back into that darkness! Job well-done, Emma! Emma: Binding you to Excalibur was the only way to save you. Hook: Right, Excalibur. And where is my shiny new tether? Emma: I don't know. It disappeared right after you did. Darkness: Ah. Isn't that convenient? Emma: How long has he been with you? Hook: You can still see him? Darkness: Sadly, yes. I mean, she's still a Dark One. No matter how ineffectual she may be. Emma: Don't listen to him. He's not real. But I am. I'm right here. Look at me. That future you told me not to be afraid of... We can have it. The house in Storybrooke. I'm not afraid anymore. I want it. With you. It's ours. You just have to want it, too. Hook: Aye, love, I do. More than anything. Emma: Killian... look. Hook: ( Gasps ) The demon's gone. Emma: We can do this. We can get the darkness out of both of us for good. Hook: How? Emma: By doing what I just did with you. By going to those we love. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Regina's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: Rumple? What's wrong? Aren't you coming? Mr. Gold: I'm afraid my preparations for this battle can't be found in a book. Belle: Well, but this was your idea. Mr. Gold: For you and the others, there might be some way to protect yourself. For me... I've spent an entire life running away from battles. Time to stop. Belle: You don't have anything to prove anymore. You saved me from Merida. You're a hero now. Mr. Gold: But that doesn't erase a lifetime of cowardice... nothing can. Belle... I know that I've hurt you in unforgivable ways. But I also know that not wanting me to die isn't the same as wanting to be with me. So if I survive this, I want to do better by you. I want to love you in a way I never could before. With honesty and courage. Let me be the man you deserve. The man I swore on my son's grave that I would be. Belle: I... I don't know what to say. Mr. Gold: Don't say anything. If I win... if I win, I go to the well where we were married. And if you meet me there, I'll know how you feel. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Hospital. [SCENE_BREAK] Severe Nurse: You! The mayor told me explicitly not to let you through. Zelena: Well, then, you're just doing your job. ( Whoosh ) Zelena: Poorly, but you're doing it. Kudos to you. Regina: Not so fast, sis. Zelena: Sister, dear. Thank you so much for looking after my bundle of joy while I was off being kidnapped. But I've come to take her back now. Bye. Regina: Good luck with that. ( Zelena looks in the window and sees an empty bin marked Baby Hood. ) Zelena: Where's my daughter?! Regina: ( Chuckling ) Did you really think, after everything you've done, we wouldn't protect that child from you? Zelena: She is my child! Regina: She's also Robin's. And you will never take her away from him. Zelena: You just can't stand, that after a lifetime of you getting everything, it's finally my turn! Regina: The only reason you have that baby is because you killed Marian and you deceived Robin in the most vile way imaginable. Zelena: ( Scoffs ) Is that a compliment? Regina: This insanity has to stop. Zelena: Agreed. But I don't think it can. Regina: Actually, I think maybe it can. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Merida: You know, when Regina asked me to guard you, the last thing I wanted to do was be in the same room as you. Now that we're here, this isn't so bad. Emma: Put it down, Merida. We both know you're not going to shoot me. Merida: Oh, won't I? After everything you've done to me. Fine. I'd say an arrow to the knee would do you right good. Maybe me too. Hook: Don't worry, love. ( Whoosh ) ( Merida fires an arrow at Hook, who catches it and throws it away. He stuns Merida. ) Hook: A broken knee is nothing on a broken heart. Isn't that right, Swan? What is this? I expected to find you and the heroes huddled over a mountain of books, trying to figure out my terrible plan. Emma: That's not why you're here. You're here because you still have feelings for me. Hook: Oh, Swan. Of course I still have feelings for you... Anger. Hatred. Disappointment. Emma: You don't mean that. Hook: When you tethered me to Excalibur, you opened my eyes. And I now see you for what you really are... an anchor. Ha! And I see clearly now that you were nothing more than a pretty blonde distraction. But guess what, Swan? I am a free man now. And you will never hold me back from getting what I want again. Emma: Hook... Killian... Whatever deal you made to get your revenge on Gold, it's not worth it. The darkness is using you. It doesn't care what you want. It only cares what it wants. Hook: Well, you're only a pawn if you don't know you're being used. As long as I get what I want, I don't give a damn about the rest. And you of all people should understand that. Emma: Everything I did, I did for you. Hook: Well, you see, that's your problem, Swan. You're so afraid of losing the people that you love that you push them away. And that's why you'll always be an orphan. You don't need some villain swooping in to destroy your happiness. You do that quite well all on your own. Emma: Why are you doing this? Hook: Because... I want to hurt you... like you hurt me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Woods. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Crickets chirping ) ( Killian and Emma are passionately kissing. ) Hook: Mmm. Emma: ( Laughs ) All right, enough distractions. I am going to go scout our path. Hook: I'll go replenish our water supply. ( Eerie whispering ) Hook: Oh, what the devil is that noise? Darkness: That's the sound of the dagger singing to the sword. And if you can hear it, that means Excalibur is quite close. Hook: No, it's impossible. Emma said it disappeared. Darkness: Wake up, dearie! Your lover's lying. She has the sword. Hook: Why would she lie to me? Darkness: So she can control you. Not that she needs Excalibur. She's quite good at doing that all on her own. Hook: What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? Emma: You! Get out of here! Darkness: Oh, we were just talking about you. Why don't you ask her yourself? Emma: Ask me what? Hook, what the hell's going on? Hook: Emma, do you know where Excalibur is? ( Eerie whispering continues ) Emma: Killian... Rumple is manipulating you. That's what he does. Hook: ( Panting ) Are you lying to me? I can hear it calling to the dagger, Emma. Do you have Excalibur? Emma: Yes. Hook: Did you use it on me? Emma: What? No, of course not. I was never... Hook: Then why not tell me the truth? Are you afraid I was gonna ask you for it? You never planned on giving it to me, did you? Emma: I did it to protect you. You told me yourself you were not strong enough to resist the darkness. Hook: Which is why I begged you not to turn me into the bloody Dark One in the first place! But you went and did it anyway. Emma: ( Voice breaking ) You were dying. Hook: You know the worst part, Swan? When your own mother wanted to use the dagger to stop you from crushing Merida's heart, I'm the one that convinced her that you needed to make that decision yourself. There's never been a moment where I didn't believe in you, where I didn't trust you. But you clearly don't believe in me anymore, so how am I supposed to fight this? Emma: Killian... Hook: Don't. ( Sword clangs ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Door opens, bell jingles ) Mr. Gold: Hello, Dark One. Sorry the, uh, shop's in a bit of a mess since you sent Merida here to kill Belle. Forgive me if I don't offer you tea. What can I do for you today? Because I assume this isn't just a social visit. Emma: I need help. To stop Hook, I need to get everyone's memories back, including my own. Mr. Gold: And how do you plan on doing that? Emma: Zelena and Hook used squid ink to immobilize me. There's still some left. Mr. Gold: And you want me to use this on him during our duel. Emma: All I ask is that you last long enough to occupy him while I steal back the dreamcatchers. Mr. Gold: Ah, yes. But for that... I don't need this. This... is where that magic belongs. Emma: What are you doing? You can't beat Hook without it. Mr. Gold: Well, my feud with the captain predates you by centuries. And if I am gonna beat him, I'm gonna do it with honor. And I will. Emma: You're on a suicide mission. Mr. Gold: ( Scoffing ) Oh, we'll see. But my stakes... are me. Yours are far greater. Do you really think you can win on your own? Emma: I know I can. Mr. Gold: ( Laughs ) Here's the thing about confidence, Miss Swan... It's great at starting a fight, not so great at finishing one. Good luck. ( Bell jingles, door closes ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Outside Mary Margaret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Before we go in, let me remind you that you may have your powers back, but I've also got mine. Zelena: What are we doing here? Because if it's more lectures about hope, decency, and redemption, I can save you the trouble I've heard it all. ( Regina opens the door. ) ( Baby coos ) Robin Hood: Zelena. Zelena: Did you miss me? Told you. Once you go green, you'll never go queen. ( Regina turns around, ready to cast a fireball at Zelena, and grabs her own hand to stop herself. ) Robin Hood: Regina... Regina: ( exhales sharply ) Robin Hood: We talked about this. Zelena: Oh, couples therapy? I should imagine you two need that now. Regina: Let me remind you of something. As wicked as you may think you are, you're not even in my league. I've spent so many years doing terrible... Terrible things beyond your imagination. But you know how I turned it around? Henry. It took having a child... that unconditional love... it made me my best self. Zelena: ( Scoffs ) Regina: And I'm hoping that kind of love will do the same for you. Robin Hood: Make no mistake, Zelena, we are never gonna be a family, the three of us. Zelena: ( Scoffs ) Robin Hood: But Regina and I have agreed you are her mother. So against our best instincts, we still have hope for you. So... You can visit with our child as long as one of us are present. ( Robin hands Zelena the baby. ) ( Baby crying ) Zelena: There, there, my little green bean. There, there. ( Gasps ) I'm a mommy. ( Cries ) ( Baby coos ) Zelena: ( Sighs ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Library. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Henry! Henry: Mom. You escaped? Emma: And for good reason. I know how to figure this all out. I need your help. I need you to trust me. Henry: I told you... Emma: I know, I know, and I heard you. I really heard you. I am not asking you to remove my cuff. Henry: Then how are you gonna do it without magic? Emma: I'm gonna do it with help. With you. Hook stole the dreamcatchers. He took my memories, too, which means I must know something. If we can get it back, I can help everyone. And, kid... no one was ever better at figuring out how to break a spell than you. Operation Cobra, remember? Henry: A locator spell. There's one at Grandpa's shop. All I need is the stuff you used to make the dreamcatchers. It will take us to the others. Emma: So you will help me? Henry: I just need one more thing. Emma: What's that? Henry: A name. Emma: Operation Cobra, part II? Henry: That'll do. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Middlemist field. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Killian? Killian? ( Emma summons Excalibur. She struggles with the decision to use it. ) Emma: ( Sighs ) ( Crickets chirping ) Emma: ( Sighs ) Emma: Dark One, I summon thee. ( Whoosh ) Emma: I'm sorry. I didn't know how else to get you here. Hook: You could have given me a choice. Emma: We need to talk about this. Hook: Do you have any idea how it feels to not be in control of yourself? The last time a Dark One controlled me, I had to watch as Rumplestiltskin almost killed you. I had to kneel, powerless, while he almost crushed my heart! Emma: I know exactly how it feels! All my life, everyone I loved abandoned me! Hook: I didn't abandon you. Emma: I know. But I was about to lose you to the darkness. When I'm scared, that's when my walls go up. That's when I stop trusting the people around me. You know this. Hook: It doesn't make it fair, Swan. Emma: Killian, wait! ( Killian pauses, required to do so because Emma is holding Excalibur. ) Emma: Ugh! I didn't mean to do that. Hook: Aye, but you did... and that's my point! Emma: That's not why I called you here! I called you here because I do believe in you! I do trust you to control your own fate! It's yours if you want it. Emma: ( Panting ) We are going to get the darkness out of both of us. We are going to do it together. ( Panting ) I promise you, I will never try to control you again. I love you. ( Killian is silent. ) Emma: What? Hook: It's just I'm usually the one that has to say that first. Emma: Yeah, well... Hook: I love you, too. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. The Jolly Roger. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: I wasn't sure you'd show. Mr. Gold: And miss my chance to take your other hand? Hook: No, this won't do. This has to be a fair fight. I can't have your surviving family members blame this loss on your limp. ( Whoosh ) Mr. Gold: It's been centuries since I stood here a mortal. Hook: Oh, you mean when I took Milah? I remember thinking that day, what type of sad little man is too afraid to fight for his own wife? Mr. Gold: Yeah, well, I'm not afraid anymore. I know I have to fight for the people I love. Hook: Don't you mean die for the people you love? Mr. Gold: We shall see. ( Metal clashing ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: There you are! We've looked everywhere for you. Mary Margaret: Emma. What happened to you? Are you okay? Emma: For now. It looks worse than it is. Regina: Are you sure? Hook: Aye. We're ready to get the sickness out of us. Where's Merlin? David: He's inside. Hook: Well, let's get on with it, then. I'll go get him. Wait here. Merlin: If you're receiving this message, then things are worse than I feared. There is only one person who can help you defeat the Dark One now. Her name is Nimue. If you want to destroy the darkness, then you must... ( Bell jingles ) Merlin: ( Sighs ) The Dark One's found me already. ( Lock clicks ) Hook: Heard you preparing for the worst-case scenario. I'm sorry, mate. It's already here. ( Hook takes Merlin's heart. ) Merlin: ( Gasping ) Darkness: Careful, dearie. That's the oldest heart in all the realms. Let's cut it open and count the rings. Merlin: You're too late. I've already left a message for the others. Hook: Well, they can't do anything to stop me. Not while I have this. Merlin: Excalibur. What do you want? Hook: My revenge. And for that, I need to get back to Storybrooke. Merlin: Do you want to cast a curse? It's not possible. Not without crushing the heart of the thing you love most. Darkness: Which is why I am not going to crush it. But someone else will... someone who might actually have feelings for you, dearie. And that's not me. Nimue: But it is me. Merlin: Nimue. Nimue: Remember? I am all Dark Ones. It's romantic, isn't it? After all that's happened between us, you're still the thing I love most. And I do love you. I always have. Merlin: But you're not really here. Hook: Aye, mate. But she is. She lives in all Dark Ones. So when I crush your heart, so will she. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jolly Roger. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Groaning, grunting ) ( Killian and Mr. Gold fight aboard the Jolly Roger. Gold eventually runs Killian through with his sword. ) Hook: Oh! ( Chuckles ) We can do this all day. But until you have Excalibur, it won't make a lick of difference. ( Killian uses his hook to cut into Mr. Gold as he pushes him away. ) Hook: They say the first cut is the deepest. Well, they lied. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Clock tower. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: This is it. He put them here. Emma: Makes no sense. Why would Hook keep the dreamcatchers where we could so easily get to them? Henry: Because we can't get to them. Emma: He knew I wouldn't have magic. He's toying with me, tormenting me. Henry: Good thing the locator spell wasn't the only thing I took from Gold's shop. Call me an optimist, but I was hoping I'd have to use it. ( Henry shows the bottle of squid ink. ) Emma: Henry, are you sure? Henry: You didn't have to include me in this operation, but you did. You didn't try and do it alone. If you're willing to take that first step back, so am I. ( Henry pours it on the cuff and takes it off. ) Emma: I will make it up to you. Henry: You want to start by saving the day? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Granny's [SCENE_BREAK] ( Bell jingles ) Emma: You were playing me the whole time. Hook: Once you lied about Excalibur, all bets were off. I knew it was just a matter of time before you tried controlling me. And now no one will ever control me again. ( Hook looks down at Excalibur. ) Hook: Go back from whence you came. Back to stone. ( Emma walks towards Nimue. ) Emma: I don't understand. Why are you helping him get his revenge? Nimue: Don't be naive, Emma. Dark Ones never do anything without getting something in return. Emma: What do you want? Nimue: You're a Dark One. You know what we want. You want it too. Emma: No. You can't. Nimue: Yes, we can. And we will. Emma: Killian... Your revenge is not your happy ending. I am. You told me that. If you destroy this heart, you will destroy your happy ending along with it. Hook: No, Killian Jones told you that. Your lovesick puppy dog. But that man died the moment you turned him into a Dark One. Ooh. ( Hook crushes Merlin's heart and pours the ashes into the cauldron Merlin prepared. ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jolly Roger. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Well, I have to hand it to you, Crocodile. You lasted a lot longer than I expected. If you'd fought me with such vigor back in the day, I might have given you your wife back. Soiled, but returned. Darkness: What are you waiting for, pirate? Finish him. ( Mr. Gold uses Killian being distracted to let loose a sandbag, which hits Killian from above. Mr. Gold grabs Excalibur and stands over Killian. ) Hook: Well, get on with it, Crocodile. Mr. Gold: There's nothing I'd like better than to run you through. But I think... I think I'd rather let you live, knowing for the rest of your life that I bested you. Hook: Today. ( Killian disappears in a red puff of smoke. ) ( Sword clangs ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Wishing Well. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Birds chirping ) Belle: You... you did it! You won. Mr. Gold: And you came. Oh, Belle, I'm so glad you're here. I'm ready to do this right, put the past behind us. Belle: Rumple... ( Exhales sharply ) This isn't easy for me. I love you. And some part of me will always love you. But you've broken my heart too many times. There's just too much broken trust. Mr. Gold: But I've changed. My heart is pure now. Belle: Yeah, you... you have, and it is. You're... you're the man that I always hoped you would be. Mr. Gold: Then why are you doing this now? Now we have a chance to make this work. Belle: I don't know that I want to make it work. But I do know that if I'm gonna try and figure that out, I need to do that on my own. I can't... I have spent too many years trying to mend your heart. Now I-I need to protect mine. Mr. Gold: Belle, please. ( Whoosh ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Darkness: Oh, don't take it too bad. I mean, he died for a good cause. Emma: I'm sorry. Rest in peace. Hook: It's over, Emma. Emma: I told you I would never abandon you. I'm not going to start now. Hook: I'm sorry, love. Once a curse has been enacted, you can't stop it. Emma: Yes. I might not be able to stop it... but I can make you forget why you cast it. ( Whoosh ) Emma: And that you were ever the Dark One in the first place. ( Whoosh ) Darkness: Clever, dearie. ( Emma uses a dreamcatcher on Killian to capture his memories. ) Emma: When you wake up, you'll be the man you were. The man I love. The man who loves me. Darkness: Ah, you'll have to do more than that if you want him to forget he was ever a Dark One. Emma: I know. I need to erase the memories of everyone who knew... that I turned Hook... into a Dark One. ( Emma summons her family on the floor and knocks them out. She uses the dreamcatcher on them. ) Darkness: Right. Because no one could possibly understand. Why trust your family to help when you can do it all yourself? Emma: This was my fault. I'm the one who's going to fix this. Darkness: By using dark magic to add a memory wipe to the curse. But you won't like where it leads. Or worse... you will. ( Thunder rumbling ) ( Thunder crashes ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. Merida is caught in the curse. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Horse whinnying ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Three weeks ago. King Arthur's castle. [SCENE_BREAK] King Arthur: How did this get back here? Queen Guinevere: Arthur. What is that? King Arthur: Dark magic. Extremely dark magic. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mayor's office. [SCENE_BREAK] Merida: And we're meant to believe you're gonna give back our memories, just like that? Henry: We can trust her. Regina: Can we? Emma: Yes. Regina: Okay. ( They hold up their dreamcatchers and their memories flow back into their heads. ) David: Emma, what's wrong? Emma: I remember. I know what he's doing. I know what they are doing. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Upper lake at Burnaby Park. [SCENE_BREAK] Darkness: Congratulations. You didn't completely fail. You returned from your duel with exactly the right ingredients for our plan. The blood of a man who'd been to hell and back. Rumplestiltskin has done what few can claim. He died, and then he returned. This pond holds a portal to the underworld itself. Hook: This is where the fury tried to drag Robin Hood to hell. I thought the portal only appeared when the moon reaches its zenith. Darkness: Yes, for a fury. But it's always existed, dearie. You just have to know how to open it. Hook: Bloody hell. Darkness: That's exactly where that came from. Hook: Nimue. Nimue: We're here. All of us, as promised, in the flesh. And now it's time to get to work, to do what Dark Ones do best... snuff out the light. Hook: Welcome to Storybrooke, love.

Plan: A: his life-long pain; Q: What does Hook hold Rumplestiltskin responsible for? A: Emma; Q: Who tries to stop Hook's revenge? A: desperate measures; Q: What does Emma have to take? A: Storybrooke; Q: Where does Henry and Emma team up to stop Hook? A: Emma team; Q: Who does Henry team up with to stop Hook? A: Hook's Dark One misdeeds; Q: What are Henry and Emma trying to stop? A: Zelena; Q: Who adapts to skewed motherhood? Summary: In Camelot, Hook embraces another path of revenge on the man he holds responsible for his life-long pain, Rumplestiltskin. Emma attempts to put a stop to his vengeance, but fails. She is then forced to take desperate measures. In Storybrooke, Henry and Emma team up to put a stop to Hook's Dark One misdeeds, while he is preoccupied with Rumplestiltskin. Meanwhile, Rumple and Belle experience relationship tribulations and Zelena adapts to skewed motherhood.

ACT ONE Scene One - Radio Station. Roz is working in her booth as Frasier enters. He is soaked to the skin by the heavy rain and his umbrella is blown out of shape. Frasier: Look at this! My so called "wind proof" umbrella. He struggles to close the umbrella but, failing, throws it away on the floor in the corridor. Frasier: I might as well use one of those little paper ones they put in Polynesian drinks! Roz: I've got a big collection of those; they remind me of wonderful evenings that I can't remember. You know, I've got some requests here for some personal appearances. City College wants you to lecture... Frasier: Fine, just tell me the date. Roz: Okay. St. Bartholomew's Hospital wants you to emcee their annual benefit. Frasier: Pass. Roz: What, you're turning down a hospital? Frasier: Yes. Roz scowls at him. Frasier: [without even looking at Roz] Don't look at me that way. Roz: Hey, I'm with you, I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine, I want a kidney!" Frasier: Roz, I have as much sympathy for sick people as you do, which is why I said yes when they asked me to appear last year. I bought an Armani tuxedo, spent a week working on my speech, postponed a trip to go see Frederick; then on the morning of the dinner they called me, told me they didn't need me because their first choice had become available: the irrepressible Kathie Lee Gifford! Frasier and Roz enter the other booth. Roz: God, way to hold a grudge! Frasier: This is not about spite. This is about dignity. Dignity is a rare and fragile thing. Any other requests? Roz: Yeah, the Teenage Seattle pageant wants you to be a judge. Frasier: Oh, I'll do that. Roz: [looks at him] That's real dignified! Frasier: A scholarship is involved! Roz: Right. You're on in ten seconds. We have new sponsors and the sales department wants you to work this copy in as often as you can. Roz hands him a sheet of paper as she enters her booth and cues him. Frasier: Good Afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first a message from our sponsors. [reads paper] "Death is inevitable." Frasier and Roz glance at each other with this morbid news. Frasier: "But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved family pet. If you've lost, or are planning to lose, a cherished dog, cat or bird, let Pet Paradise console you with a tasteful Plexiglas memorial bearing the likeness of your departed friend. Pet Paradise - 'though your pet may be small, your loss is great.'" [puts down sheet] Who's our first caller, Roz? Roz: We have Edna on line two, she's a receptionist at a pest control company and she's feeling depressed. Frasier: Hello, Edna, I'm listening. Edna: [v.o] Hello, Dr. Crane. I've been working at pest control for fifteen years. I go in every day, answer the same calls, ask the same questions. "What kind of bugs are they?" "Have you seen any droppings?" Then I go to the next person. "What kind of bugs are they?" "Have you seen any droppings?" Frasier: Edna, I'm a psychiatrist, I can sense where this is going. Now, even the most interesting of lives can become routine. What you need to do is shake up your world, find a new boyfriend, a new job, a new city even. Edna: You mean move? Frasier: Certainly there are far easier places to cheer up than this dreary, soggy old city of ours. Edna: You know something, Dr. Crane, you're right. I don't have to stay here. When you think about it, there's a whole world of vermin out there! Frasier: Very eloquently put, Edna. Thank you for your call. Frasier presses a button as Roz motions him to the ad. Frasier: Speaking of vermin... [reads] "When that special rat of yours turns his little toes up for the last time, don't forget your friends at Pet Paradise. Pet Paradise - 'when a shoe box isn't enough.'" Frasier rolls his eyes. [SCENE_BREAK] IT WILL BE THE WORLD'S FIRST FOUR LEGGED LEPRECHAUN Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The following morning, Martin is sat reading the paper with his breakfast as Frasier enters from his bedroom in a dressing gown. The weather outside suggests why the city was called SEA-ttle! Frasier: Another radiant morning! Morning, dad. Do I drive to work today or just hail a passing gondola?! Martin: I like the rain, it chases those squeegee guys off the street. Frasier exits to the kitchen. Daphne enters from the front door in her raincoat. She has Eddie who is appropriately dressed in a bright yellow dog mackintosh. Daphne: Now stay put until I can dry off your feet. Frasier re-enters to see Eddie jump up onto the suede couch to rub his feet dry. Frasier: There, that ought to do it! Martin: Oh, Daphne, get that hat off him. Isn't it bad enough we had him neutered? Daphne: Look, by the way things are going, I don't think I'm going to have children. Just let me dress up the dog! Martin: I've never seen a dog look that stupid. Daphne: You'll change your tune when you see the outfit I got him for St. Patrick's Day! Martin: [reading paper] Hey, get a load of this. Derek Mann mentioned you in his column. "I've been listening to Frasier Crane this week because I've been trying to drop a few pounds; I find his voice makes an effective appetite suppressant!" Frasier: [dry] How witty! Martin: [serious] I thought so too. [laughs] Frasier: Give me that! [takes paper] "Yesterday, I heard him advise an unhappy young woman that she could magically cure her depression simply by leaving Seattle. I know it would cure my depression if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane would take his own advice and leave town as soon as possible!" [folds paper] It's just ludicrous, I never said any such thing! Daphne: Oh, yes, you did. I heard you. You said Seattle was dreary and if she wanted to spruce up her life, she should leave town. Frasier: Well, that was just one of several suggestions I made. He took that completely out of context. Martin: Well, whatever you said, you're gonna apologize, right? Frasier: What for? Martin: For insulting Seattle! People round here take a lot of pride in this town, they don't appreciate some radio know-it-all telling them it's rainy and depressing. Frasier: In case you haven't noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here! For God's sake, the state flower is Mildew! Martin: Let me tell you something: a city's like a woman. You get one mad at you, it doesn't matter if you're completely right and she's completely wrong, you'll apologize anyway, or you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life! Daphne: I'm not sure I care for that analogy. Daphne stands and heads to her room. Martin: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Daphne, I was way out of line. Daphne: [smiles] All right, you're forgiven. Daphne exits to her room as Martin gives Frasier a "You See?" look. Frasier: You know, Dad, to you, everything is like a woman. A fast car is like a woman, a romantic song is like a woman, good meatloaf is like a woman. Well, a city is not like a woman, it's like a city and I am not apologizing to this one. Even if you won't understand that, Seattle does! And Seattle loves Frasier Crane! Frasier goes to the window and looks out over the city only to have thunder and lightning as his response before he exits to his room. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Radio Station. Father Mike is using the vending machine as Frasier enters with another blown-out umbrella. He again fails to shut it and throws it into another booth. Frasier: Hello, Father Mike. Mike: Hello, Frasier. Frasier enters the booth to find Roz on the telephone. Roz: Look, Dr. Crane was not bashing Seattle, he was sincerely trying to help that woman! Who's our sponsor? Pet Paradise. Well fine, go ahead and boycott them - see how easy it is to flush your dead German Shepherd down the toilet! [hangs up] Frasier: Don't tell me, was that a complaint about this rain business? Roz: Yes and thanks to you I've been on the phone all morning. Frasier: Oh, well, forgive me. From now on I'll stick to subjects like suicide and birth control, stay away from the controversial stuff like weather! The phone rings, which Roz answers. As she listens to the caller, Bulldog enters. Bulldog: Hey, Doc. I need some advice. I feel a cold coming on and I'm wondering, should I take vitamin C or should I just leave Seattle?! [laughs] Roz: [hangs up] I hope you're happy! According to Betsy, the switchboard has logged over fifty irate calls! Bulldog: Fifty?! Damn, you topped my record! The most I ever got was thirty-five when I said that commentary, "Lady Umpires - Finally a Chest Worth Protecting!" Bulldog exits. Roz: You know, Frasier, you really should think about apologizing. Frasier: You know, I'd be the first to apologize if I said anything wrong but I didn't. Roz: I've got half a dozen calls stacked up in there, and they all said you did. Frasier: Yes, well, just take messages from all those people - I don't want to talk to them. Roz: You know, I don't know how to break this to you... but it's a call-in show! Roz exits to her booth. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Radio Station. Time has lapsed. Frasier is listening to an irate caller (Connie). It seems Roz and Frasier have ordered Chinese take out. Connie: [v.o.] I don't know how you can say Seattle is a depressing place. I spent the last forty years in this city working the graveyard shift at a cemetery! And let me tell you something, you fat-headed moron: I am probably the most cheerful person you'll ever meet! [hangs up] Frasier: You're certainly the most cheerful I've met today! [Roz mimes him to smile] Alas, we're out of time. I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, it was not my intent to cause anyone offense but since it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this: I apologize. [Roz is happy] I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live. It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home. Till Monday then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off. He presses a button, then drops the façade. Frasier: Good grief! Never in my life have I heard from such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies. I swear to God, this entire city has lost it's tiny, rain-addled mind! Roz notices the "on air" light and rushes frantically to the microphone. Roz: [honeyed voice] Dr. Crane, we're still on the air. Frasier: Thank you, Roz. [presses the button firmly] Roz: [mad] Now we're off! [SCENE_BREAK] LET A SMILE BE YOUR UMBRELLA Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne and Martin are watching as Niles fumbles around with a new television set. Niles: This goes here and that attaches there! Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you sure you don't want me to try my hand there? Niles: No, no, Daphne, this is no job for you. You might crack a nail or snag a cuticle. There, are we getting anything? The TV is obviously still not working. Martin: Does annoyed count? Daphne: Oh, hush. If you hadn't bashed it with your cane because your precious Seahawks lost, we wouldn't need a new set now, would we? Isn't there a manual? Niles: Yes, but unfortunately Stephen Hawking is not here to explain it to us! Frasier enters once again with a deranged umbrella. This time he doesn't even bother trying to make sense of it and throws it out into the hallway. Martin: God, I thought the winds had eased up out there! Frasier: They have. Daphne: Then what happened to your umbrella? Frasier: One of my listeners recognized me on the street, he pulled it backwards through a chain link fence! You would not believe the hostility I've encountered. Even at the Café Nervosa, my sanctuary, I thought they were trying out the new cappuccino maker - I turned and saw three tables hissing at me! The phone sounds. Martin: Don't answer that, Daphne. Daphne: I can't abide the sound of a ringing phone. The phone sounds. Martin: It's just going to be another crank complaining about Frasier, they've been calling here all day! Frasier: Oh, no, they've got my home number now?! The phone sounds. Daphne: Yes, but, just because the phone rings doesn't mean we have to answer it. The phone sounds. Daphne: Even though it could be Frederick calling to say he loves you or Grammy Moon calling to say her hip's gone out again. The phone sounds. Daphne: Still, we can't be swayed by a little ringing bell. Just because it's going ring... ring... ring. The phone sounds. Daphne: Or in the case of a British telephone; Ring-ring... ring- ring... ring-ring... ring-ring... ring-ring.... The phone sounds. Frasier: Just answer it, for God's sake! Daphne: Thank you! Daphne picks up the receiver. Daphne: Crane residence. Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone, may I take a message? [pause] Oh, nice language that! I hope you don't eat with that mouth! Niles: Daphne, Daphne, excuse me. [takes receiver and speaks into phone] Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way. [pause] Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am! Well, only a coward makes threats over the phone, I dare you to come here and say that to my face. [fake laugh] Never you mind where I live! [hangs up] Suddenly there's loud knocking on the door. Frasier: Is anyone expecting visitors? Well, I suggest we all remain very, very quiet. There's another knock which is responded to by Eddie's frantic barking. The rest stare at him. Niles: I suddenly have this image of angry villagers wielding torches and pitchforks. Roz: [o.s] Frasier, open up, it's Roz! Niles: Oh dear, it's worse than I thought! Frasier opens the door to Roz. Frasier: Roz, what are you doing out on this ungodly night? Roz: I tried calling but your line is busy. Martin: Hey, Roz. Roz: Hey, Martin. How are you doing? Martin: Great. Roz: Is that a new TV? Martin: Yeah. Roz: It looks great. Did you get it hooked up yet? Martin: No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first! Roz and Martin laugh. Roz: Martin you're awful. [laughs] Frasier, after you left, the station manager stopped by. He's taking a lot of heat from the sponsors and he says if you cannot smooth this over, he may have to suspend you. Frasier: Suspend me? Well, what's he going to put in my timeslot? Roz: He'd have to run "The Best Of Crane." Martin: What will he do on the second day? The gang laugh bar Frasier. Frasier: I don't know how I'm ever going to smooth this over. The entire city is out to lynch me. Roz: Tell me about it. This guy I know at the gym cancelled on me when he found out I worked for you. You've been alienating my boyfriends! Frasier: Oh, well, we can't afford to lose a demographic as large as that! Roz: Look, what we need here is a little damage control. Now it's still not too late to call the people at St. Bart's hospital and tell them you'll speak at their fundraiser. Frasier: After the way they treated me last year? Roz: It's a big event, there'll be lots of media there, this is a perfect chance for you to redeem yourself. Martin: Listen to Roz. Frasier: Oh, Dad, just stay out of this! Martin: [already in it] Why? If you take my advice... Frasier: I did take your advice, I apologized. Martin: Oh, so sincerely! Roz: What is the big deal? You'll make a few jokes, a few self- deprecating remarks, you'll be helping sick people and showing everyone you know how to laugh at yourself. Niles: I think it's a brilliant suggestion. Roz: My God, Niles, did you just compliment me? Niles: Indeed I did. You're very savvy, Roz. You remind me of one of those cleverly amoral PR flacks who sell their services to industries that pollute! Frasier: You really think it's a good idea, Niles? Niles: Well, worked for Nancy Reagan. After her first year in the White House she was widely criticized for her lavish spending. She responding by appearing at a satirical dinner wearing cheap store clothes and performing "Secondhand Rose." Daphne: And that made people like her again? Niles: Yes, briefly. Frasier: Oh, what the hell. Tell them I'll emcee. You know, better yet, tell them I'll take a whole table at the banquet. Roz: I already did. [hands tickets] You owe those nuns eight hundred bucks. Frasier: Eight hundred...? Roz: Don't mess with them! Frasier: I've put myself in such a precarious position, I've got to choose my material very carefully. Niles: Ooh, I know some good jokes. Frasier: No, Niles, you don't! Roz: If it's jokes you need, feel free to use some of mine. Frasier: [laughs] I'm sure the nuns would just love that. Why don't I call Bulldog and ask him for a couple of limericks from his Nantucket series?! I'll just call Father Mike, I'm sure he knows a couple of inoffensive jokes. Frasier goes to the phone to pick it up. However, before he can it rings. Frasier: [into phone] Hello? Yes, well, you know, I don't care how you feel! I want to use the phone right now! [hangs up] Daphne, your grandmother's hip was out again. Daphne stands up in worry as Frasier calms her explaining he was just joking. Daphne isn't amused. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO MAN OVERBOARD Scene One - St. Bart's Annual Benefit Banquet Hall. Everyone is sat around tables in the hall. Frasier is sat near the podium with a nun, Sister Joselia, from the hospital. Martin, Roz, Niles and Daphne are sat around a table. [N.B. "Sister Joselia" is the name of a character from Joe Keenan's early novels, "Blue Heaven" and "Putting On The Ritz."] Joselia: I do hope you'll have some humorous stories for us. Though, of course, nothing too racy or risqué. Frasier: Oh, no, no, of course not, I wouldn't dream of it. Joselia: Good. Last year, Kathie Lee Gifford told the most unfortunate story involving newlyweds and a ski lift! Frasier looks guilty and quickly pulls out his speech and makes some serious alterations. Meanwhile, Father Mike joins the rest of the gang. Mike: Hello, all. Thank you for coming out for such a good cause. Martin: Hey, I'd support this cause anytime. St. Bart's is where I had my hip surgery, they treated me good. Mike: Oh, I just saw Frasier. I must say, he seems a bit nervous. Roz: Well, he ought to be, there's a lot riding on his performance tonight. Daphne: Well, thank goodness he's got that sweet old nun there to comfort him. Martin: [looks over] She's not so sweet! That's Sister Joselia, the scrubbing nun! Better known as "The Terror of Ward Three"! [N.B. In Joe Keenan's novels, Sister Joselia's nickname is "The Mutilator."] Daphne: Do you remember her? Martin: Hey, you know that nightmare where I wake up screaming, "Not the sponge! Not the sponge!" Roz: You know when I was a girl, I considered being a nun. Mike: Really, what changed your mind? The rest look at each other, worried that she might offend. Roz: [grasping] I didn't want to work weekends! Martin: Hey, where did Maris go? Mike: Well, I believe Mrs. Crane is over there. [points her out] Niles: Where? [notices] Oh, bless her busy little heart, she's cornered Lydia Beaumont, head of the museum board. Maris has been angling to get on that board for years. Martin: It looks like Lydia's getting away. Niles: Oh, yes, the old freshen-the-drink ploy. Poor old Lydia has no idea with whom she's dealing. That's right, Maris, chug that sherry, on with the chase! There she goes, she's gaining, she's gaining, she's coming round the ice sculpture; It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, and... Yes! They meet again! The gang suddenly start applauding them. Niles: I fully expect they'll be board mates before they clear away the desserts. Frasier comes down to them. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, we were just saying how handsome and confident you were looking. Frasier: Really? Niles: Absolutely! [hands over a handkerchief] Forehead. Frasier wipes his nervous sweat away. Mike: Did you memorize those jokes I gave you? Frasier: Yes, yes, they're the reason I look so handsome and confident. Roz: Shouldn't they have started this thing by now? Frasier: Oh, well, we're waiting for Bishop Cologie, he's supposed to be introducing me. Mike: I'm sure he'll be here any minute. Break a leg, Frasier. Father Mike moves off. Martin: Now, listen, I've done a few bolwing banquets in my time - the thing to remember is keep smiling and look like you're having a good time. Frasier: Right. Martin: And if a joke bombs, don't pay any attention to it. Do what Johnny Carson used to do - just make a joke about how bad it is. [impression] Hmmm? Bomb-o! Martin and Roz start chuckling. Martin: I miss that guy! Roz: Your dad's right, Frasier, just go up there and be confident. Frasier: Yes, well, I'll do that just as soon as I find a men's room. Niles: Oh, you'll be fine, you've just got a few butterflies in your stomach. Frasier: Not for long, I won't. I'll be right back. Frasier exits to the toilet as Mike goes to the podium. Mike: Good evening, I'm Father Mike Mancuso and I've just been asked to make a very sad announcement. As you now, every year, our guest speaker has been introduced by Bishop Cologie, our chairman and host of the popular Sunday morning cable TV show, "Pancakes and Parables." However, we've just been informed that the Bishop has suffered a terrible accident. [audience gasp] It seems that he was out fishing this afternoon when his boat was hit by a storm and capsized. At the moment he remains missing. However, I will keep you abreast of any further developments. Niles is holding a clump of Daphne's hair and sniffing at it. Niles: Why does everything happen to Frasier? Niles lets the hair go as Daphne looks over her shoulder. Mike: But, fazed as you are, we know how much this evening means to the Bishop and how he delights in entertaining us each year with his biblical hand shadows. We also know that he would be the first to insist that we proceed without him. So, I'm going to step in and introduce this year's speaker. Won't you extend a cordial, gracious welcome to my friend and colleague, Dr. Frasier Crane. [Dr. Crane is nowhere to be seen] Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane? Frasier enters from the bathroom, completely oblivious to Father Mike's speech. Mike: Ah... Frasier takes the podium. Frasier: Thank you, Father Mike. Thank you very much. I can't tell you what a honor it is to be here this evening. I expected the Bishop to introduce me but I'm sure he'll drift in eventually. The audience are shocked by this use of words. Frasier: You know, it's a real comfort to see so many priests out there in the audience. These days I don't dare speak in public without someone standing by who can perform the last rites. [audience are appalled] Whoa! Very religious crowd, I see. I can tell because of the vow of silence! [to a priest] I hope you've got some holy water standing by there, father, I'm dying here. And speaking of water! That reminds me of a little story. A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest, are all sitting at the bar on the Titanic... Joselia: Dr. Crane, the Bishop! Frasier: Oh, well, I heard the story with a priest, but what the heck, a bishop's even funnier. Thank you, Sister. Okay, then, a Rabbi, a Minister and a Bishop are all sitting at the bar when the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news. Roz: [stands in a plea] Frasier, the Bishop is lost at sea! Frasier: Hey, look, are you telling this story or am I?! Roz: Frasier... Frasier: Come on, lady, I work alone! All right, hey, thank you. Roz gives up and sits down cradling her head in her hands. Frasier: All right, anyway, so the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news about the boat. So, the Rabbi gets up and says, "My God, my people will need me." The Minister's about to leave when the Priest said - oops, oh, sorry - the Bishop says, "Sit down, relax, have another drink. I'm sure that the Rabbi can handle it." And the Minister says, "My God, man! How can you abandon your flock when we've just hit an iceberg?!" And the Bishop says, "An iceberg?! I thought he said we had no ice aboard!" Everyone just stares at Frasier. Frasier: Hello? [taps microphone] Is this thing on? [imitating Johnny Carson] Whoa! Bomb-o! At the table his family bury their heads. End of Act Two [SCENE_BREAK] The banquet hall is now empty as Sister Joselia watches over Frasier writing a check. Frasier shows her the amount to which she just stares at him with a frank expression of its small value. Frasier writes a larger one, however she is still not pleased. So he just gives up and hands over the whole check book and pen to the Sister, who walks off in pride having won the battle.

Plan: A: his listeners; Q: Who does Frasier offend when he makes a disparaging remark about Seattle's weather? A: the situation; Q: What does Frasier try to fix? A: things; Q: What does Frasier make worse? Summary: When Frasier makes a disparaging remark about Seattle's weather, he offends his listeners. His attempt to remedy the situation by speaking at a charity dinner makes things worse.

EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, FRANCE 1890, DAY It is raining and we hear VINCENT'S tormented cries. INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, DAY On an easel to the side is the sunflower painting dedicated to AMY. VINCENT is on a couch, his doctor, GACHET, kneeling at his side, trying to quiet him. Madame VERNET, his housekeeper/caregiver is there as well. GACHET: Vincent, can you hear me? Please, Vincent. VERNET: It's not enough he goes drinking all round the town, now the whole neighbourhood has to listen to his screaming. GACHET: He's very ill, Madame Vernet. VERNET: (looks at a paining) Look at this, even worse than his usual rubbish. GACHET stands and comes to look at the painting. VERNET: What's it supposed to be? VINCENT'S cries continue. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, 1941, DAY A man strolls down the corridor, a wrapped parcel under his arm. He enters an office and we see it is BRACEWELL. BRACEWELL: It was found behind the wall in an attic in France. It's genuine... it's a Van Gogh... BRACEWELL is joined by CHURCHILL. CHURCHILL: Why bring it to me? BRACEWELL: Because it's obviously a message... and you can see who it's for. CHURCHILL: Can't say I understand it. BRACEWELL: You're not supposed to understand it, Prime Minister. You're supposed to deliver it. INT. STORMCAGE CONTAINMENT FACILITY, 5145 A phone on the wall rings and a GUARD crosses the corridor to answer it. GUARD: Cell 426. As he listens to the person on the other end, it looks into one of the cells where we see RIVER SONG on a bunk reading. GUARD: The Doctor? Do you mean Dr Song? RIVER stands, gripping the bars. RIVER: Give me that. Seriously, just give it to me. I'm entitled to phone calls. The GUARD walks over and hands her the phone. RIVER: Doctor? INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, 1941, DAY CHURCHILL: No, and neither are you. Where is he? RIVER: (over phone) You're phoning the time vortex, it doesn't always work. But the TARDIS is smart, she's re-routed the call. INT. STORMCAGE CONTAINMENT FACILITY, 5145 RIVER: Talk quickly. This connection will last less than a minute. RIVER listens intently. GUARD: Dr Song. RIVER nods and ends the call. GUARD: Are you finished with that? With her back to the guard, RIVER reaches into her shirt and removes something. After a pause, she walks back and hands the guard the phone. RIVER: You're new here, aren't you? GUARD: First day. RIVER: Then I'm very sorry. RIVER kisses him through the bars. Moments later, the alarm is ringing and other guards come running down the corridor and stop outside RIVER'S cell. The GUARD is inside, his gun aimed. GUARD 2: Stay exactly where you are. GUARD: She had the lipstick, the hallucinogenic lipstick. She tried to use it on me! The guards outside the cell look at each other, puzzled. Inside the cell, the GUARD wipes his lips and smiles. GUARD: Your tricks don't work in here, Dr Song. We finally see that he is aiming at a stick figure drawn on the wall. It says "Bye". INT. THE ROYAL COLLECTION, 5145, NIGHT A figure runs along a hallway in the dark building. Some paintings are falling from their frames and some frames are already empty. The figure is RIVER. She is dressed in black, a torch in her hand. She is searching for a particular painting and stops when she sees it. She rips it from the frame and heads back the way she came. Halfway up the stairs, the lights come on. A woman at the top holds a gun aimed at her. It is LIZ 10. LIZ 10: This is the Royal Collection and I'm the bloody Queen. What are you doing here? RIVER: It's about the Doctor, Ma'am. You met him once, didn't you? I know he came here. LIZ 10: (lowers her gun) The Doctor! RIVER: He's in trouble. I need to find him. LIZ 10: Then why are you stealing a painting? RIVER: Look at it. (hands LIZ 10 the painting) I need to find the Doctor, and I need to show him this. LIZ 10 looks at the painting and then at RIVER in astonishment. INT. THE MALDOVARIUM, 5145, NIGHT RIVER is in a bar meeting with DORIUM, a salesman. DORIUM: Now, word on the belt is, you're looking for time travel. RIVER: Are you selling? DORIUM snaps his fingers and an alien comes carrying a box. DORIUM: A vortex manipulator, fresh off the wrist of a handsome Time Agent. (opens the box and sighs) I said OFF the wrist. The alien carries the box away. DORIUM: Not cheap, Dr Song. Have you brought me a pretty toy? RIVER takes off one of her jeweled earrings. RIVER: This is a Calisto Pulse. It can disarm micro-explosives from up to 20 feet. DORIUM: What kind of micro-explosives? (sips drink) RIVER: The kind I just put in your wine. INT. TARDIS AMY is sitting in the swing under the console room floor looking at her engagement ring. She slips it onto her finger just as the DOCTOR pokes his head down. DOCTOR: Vavoom! AMY: Va-what? The DOCTOR runs about the console flicking switches as AMY joins him. DOCTOR: I can't believe I've never thought of this before, it's genius. Right! Landed, come on. (heads for the door) AMY: Where are we? DOCTOR: Planet One, the oldest planet in the universe. There's a cliff of pure diamond and, according to legend, on the cliff there's writing, letters 50 feet high, a message from the dawn of time, and no-one knows what it says, 'cos no-one's ever translated it. Till today. AMY: What happens today? DOCTOR: (taps AMY'S nose) Us. The TARDIS can translate anything. All we have to do is open the doors and read the very first words in recorded history. The DOCTOR reaches out and AMY places her hand in his and they exit the TARDIS. EXT. TARDIS, PLANET ONE, DAY The DOCTOR and AMY step out onto the tropical planet and look up at the cliff-face. In large letters it read "HELLO SWEETIE" with Greek looking symbols underneath. AMY: (chuckles) Vavoom! EXT. FOREST, ROMAN BRITAIN, DAY The TARDIS materializes and the DOCTOR and AMY step out. AMY: Right place? DOCTOR: Just followed the co-ordinates on the cliff-face. Earth. Britain. (checks watch) 1:02am. No, pm. (stops) No, AD. They look out over a large Roman encampment. AMY: That's a Roman Legion. DOCTOR: Well, yeah. The Romans invaded Britain several times during this period. AMY: Oh, I know. My favourite topic at school. Invasion of the hot Italians. Yeah, I did get marked down for the title. A breathless Roman SOLDIER runs up to them. SOLDIER: (salutes with a fist to his chest) Hail, Caesar! (kneels) DOCTOR: Hi. SOLDIER: Welcome to Britain. We are honoured by your presence. DOCTOR: Well, you're only human. Arise... Roman person. AMY: Why does he think you're Caesar? The SOLDIER stands and we see smudges of lipstick on his face. SOLDIER: Cleopatra will see you now. They follow the SOLDIER. INT. TENT, DAY The DOCTOR walks into the tent and the first thing he sees is RIVER, dressed as CLEOPATRA, being waited on by two servants. RIVER: Hello, sweetie. AMY: River! Hi. DOCTOR: You graffitied the oldest cliff-face in the universe. RIVER: You wouldn't answer your phone. RIVER claps her hands and the servants leave. She then holds out the scrolled canvas. DOCTOR: What's this? RIVER: It's a painting. Your friend Vincent. The DOCTOR snatches the painting and begins to unroll it. RIVER: (stands) One of his final works. He had visions, didn't he? I thought you ought to know about this one. AMY: Doctor? Doctor, what is this? The painting is that of the TARDIS exploding. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "The Pandorica Opens" by Steven Moffat Producer Peter Bennett Director Toby Haynes [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FIELD, DAY The DOCTOR, RIVER and AMY are riding horseback across the field. RIVER has changed into something a little more "modern". INT. TENT, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and RIVER are examining the painting. AMY: Why's it exploding? RIVER: I assume it's some kind of warning. The DOCTOR sits down, his thoughts heavy. AMY: Something's going to happen to the TARDIS? RIVER: It might not be that literal. Anyway this is where he wanted you. Date and map reference on the door sign, see? DOCTOR: Does it have a title? RIVER: The Pandorica Opens. EXT. FIELD, DAY DOCTOR: Come on. YA! INT. TENT, DAY AMY: The Pandorica? What is it? RIVER: A box. A cage. A prison. It was built to contain the most feared thing in all the universe. DOCTOR: (pacing) And it's a fairy tale, a legend. It can't be real. RIVER: If it is real, it's here and it's opening. And it's got something to do with your TARDIS exploding. The DOCTOR pulls out local maps. RIVER: Hidden, obviously. Buried for centuries. You won't find it on a map. DOCTOR: No. But if you buried the most dangerous thing in the universe, you'd want to remember where you put it. EXT. FIELD, DAY It is revealed that they are riding on Salisbury Plain to Stonehenge. EXT. STONEHENGE, DAY The DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver on some of the stones lying on the ground. RIVER takes out a scanner and types in some information. AMY: How come it's not new? RIVER: Because it's already old. Been here thousands of years. No-one knows exactly how long. (looks skywards) AMY: OK, this Pandorica thing. Last time we saw you, you warned us about it, after we climbed out of the Byzantium. RIVER: Spoilers! (puts a finger to her lips) AMY: No, but you told the Doctor you'd see him again when the Pandorica opens. RIVER: Maybe I did. But I haven't yet. But I will have. Doctor, I'm picking up fry particles everywhere. Energy weapons discharged on this site. The DOCTOR stands on a large stone. DOCTOR: If the Pandorica is here, it contains the mightiest warrior in history. Now, half the galaxy would want a piece of that. Maybe even fight over it. (jumps off stone and puts an ear to it) We need to get down there. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RIVER places a device on the corner of the large stone. There are large standing lights placed around the area. RIVER: (walks to DOCTOR) Right then. Ready. RIVER presses a button on her scanner and the rock slides to the side revealing stone steps underneath. The DOCTOR steps forward as RIVER takes a torch from her pocket and switches it on. DOCTOR: The underhenge. The DOCTOR takes out his sonic screwdriver and uses it as a torch as they enter. Behind one of the rocks, unnoticed by them, is the head of a Cyberman. There is a crackle of energy and it jerks. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR steps out of a narrow passage and uses the screwdriver to light a torch. RIVER goes to the opposite wall and brings a torch over to light it. The DOCTOR lifts up a large board that was acting as a lock across a huge set of doors. With a nod and a smile to RIVER, they push open the doors and find themselves in a cavernous room. In the center stands a large box with an intricate circular pattern on each side. DOCTOR: It's the Pandorica. RIVER: More than just a fairy tale. The DOCTOR walks forward and steps on something, He looks down to see the arm of a Cyberman. He continues towards the Pandorica and places a hand on it. DOCTOR: There was a goblin, or a trickster, or a warrior. A nameless, terrible thing, soaked in the blood of a billion galaxies. The most feared being in all the cosmos. And nothing could stop it, or hold it, or reason with it. One day it would just drop out of the sky and tear down your world. AMY: How did it end up in there? DOCTOR: You know fairy tales. A good wizard tricked it. The DOCTOR walks around to the other side of the Pandorica as RIVER hands AMY her torch as she takes out her scanner. RIVER: I hate good wizards in fairy tales. They always turn out to be him. AMY: (looking around) So it's kind of like Pandora's Box, then? Almost the same name. DOCTOR: Sorry, what? AMY: The story. Pandora's Box, with all the worst things in the world in it. The DOCTOR puts his torch in a holder then uses the screwdriver on the Pandorica. AMY: That was my favourite book when I was a kid. The DOCTOR stops and walks over to AMY, a concerned look on his face. AMY: What's wrong? DOCTOR: Your favourite school topic, your favourite story. Never ignore a coincidence, unless you're busy. In which case, always ignore a coincidence. (walks back to Pandorica) RIVER: So can you open it? DOCTOR: Easily. Anyone can break INTO a prison, but I'd rather know what I'm going to find first. RIVER: (looking at scanner) It's already opening. There are layers and layers of security protocols in there, and they're being disabled, one by one. Like it's being unlocked from the inside. DOCTOR: How long do we have? RIVER: Hours at the most. DOCTOR: What kind of security? RIVER: Everything. Deadlocks, time-stops, matter-lines. DOCTOR: What could need all that? RIVER: What could get past all that? DOCTOR: Think of the fear that went into making this box. AMY hears a rustling sound and turns quickly. Nothing is there. DOCTOR: What could inspire that level of fear? Hello, you. Have we met? RIVER: So why would it start to open now? DOCTOR: No idea. AMY: Hmm, and how could Vincent have known about it? He won't even be born for centuries. The DOCTOR takes out the sonic screwdriver once again and uses them on the stone pillars. DOCTOR: The stones! These stones are great big transmitters, broadcasting a warning to everyone, everywhere, to every time zone. The Pandorica is opening! RIVER: Doctor...everyone, everywhere? DOCTOR: Even poor Vincent heard it in his dreams. What's in there, what could justify all this? RIVER: Doctor, everyone? DOCTOR: Anything that powerful, I'd know about it. Why don't I know? RIVER: Doctor, you said everyone could hear it. So who else is coming? DOCTOR: Oh. AMY: Oh? Oh, what? RIVER: (presses scanner against pillar) OK, if it is basically a transmitter, we should be able to fold back the signal. DOCTOR: Doing it. (uses sonic on all pillars) AMY: Doing what? RIVER: Stonehenge is transmitting, it's been transmitting for a while...so who heard? DOCTOR: OK, should be feeding back to you now. River, what's out there? Getting anything? RIVER: Give me a moment. DOCTOR: River, quickly, anything? RIVER: (stunned) Around this planet, there are at least 10,000 starships. AMY: At least? RIVER: 10,000, 100,000, 1 million, I don't know. There's too many readings. DOCTOR: What kind of starships? A Dalek transmission comes through. DALEK 1: Maintaining orbit. DALEK 2: I obey. Shield cover compromised on ion sectors. AMY: Daleks. Those are Daleks. DALEK 1: Scan detects no temporal activity. DALEK 2: Soft grid scan commencing. DALEK 1: Reverse thrust for compensatory stabilisation. RIVER: Daleks, Doctor. DALEK 2: Launch preliminary armaments protocol. DOCTOR: Yes, OK. OK, OK, OK. Dalek fleet. Minimum, 12,000 battleships, armed to the teeth. But we've got surprise on our side! They'll never expect three people to attack 12,000 Dalek battleships, 'cos we'd be killed instantly. So it would be a fairly short surprise. Forget surprise. RIVER: Doctor, Cyber-ships. DOCTOR: No, Dalek ships, listen to them, those are Dalek ships. RIVER: Yes. Dalek ships AND Cyber-ships. DOCTOR: Well, we need to start a fight, turn them on each other. It's the Daleks... they're SO cross... RIVER: Sontaran. Four battle-fleets. DOCTOR: Sontarans! Talk about cross, who stole all their handbags? RIVER: (reads from scanner) Terileptil. Slitheen. Chelonian. Nestene. Drahvin. Sycorax. Haemo-goth. Zygon. Atraxi. Draconian. They're all here. For the Pandorica. DOCTOR: (to Pandorica) What are you? The ground begins to shake and the DOCTOR runs to the stairs, RIVER and AMY following. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT They look up to the sky and see lights from a number of ships flying above them. AMY: What do we do? RIVER: Doctor, listen to me! Everything that ever hated you is coming here tonight. You can't win this. You can't even fight it. Doctor, this once, just this one time, please, you have to run. DOCTOR: Run where? RIVER: Fight how? The DOCTOR takes out binoculars and looks back the way they came. DOCTOR: The greatest military machine in the history of the universe. AMY: What is? The Daleks? DOCTOR: No, no, no. The Romans! EXT. FIELD, NIGHT RIVER rides back to the Roman encampment. Her way into the tent is blocked by two guards. INT. COMMAND TENT, NIGHT RIVER is guarded by two soldiers as the commander paces. COMMANDER: So, I return to my command after one week and discover we've been playing host to Cleopatra. Who's in Egypt. And dead! RIVER: Yes. Funny how things work out. The ground shakes again as a ship flies overhead. COMMANDER: The sky is falling, and you make jokes. Who are you? RIVER: When you fight Barbarians, what must they think of you? COMMANDER: Oh, riddles now? RIVER: Where do they think you come from? COMMANDER: (draws sword) A place more deadly and more powerful and more impatient than their tiny minds can imagine. RIVER pulls out her disintegrator gun and uses it on a cabinet. The COMMANDER and guards are stunned. RIVER: Where do I come from? Your world has visitors. You're all Barbarians now. COMMANDER: What is that? Tell me, what? RIVER: A fool would say, the work of the gods. But you've been a soldier too long to believe there are gods watching over us. There is, however, a man. And tonight he's going to need your help. SOLDIER: Sir? COMMANDER: One moment. The COMMANDER goes to the entrance to the tent where he holds a whispered conversation with the SOLDIER whose face is in shadow. They turn to look at RIVER. COMMANDER: Well, it seems you have a volunteer. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT AMY lights more torches as the DOCTOR examines the Pandorica. AMY: So what's this got to do with the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Nothing, as far as I know. AMY: But Vincent's painting... the TARDIS was exploding, is that going to happen? DOCTOR: One problem at a time. There's forcefield technology inside this box. If I can enhance the signal, I could extend it all over Stonehenge. Could buy us half an hour. AMY: What good is half an hour? DOCTOR: There are fruit flies live on Hoppledom 6 that live for 20 minutes and they don't even mate for life. There was going to be a point to that. I'll get back to you. AMY: (pulls the ring box from her pocket) So... Are you proposing to someone? DOCTOR: I'm sorry? AMY: I found this in your pocket. DOCTOR: (looks up) No. No, no, that's, uh...a memory. A friend of mine, someone I lost. (reaches for box but AMY pulls it away) Do you mind? AMY: It's weird, I feel... I don't know. Something. DOCTOR: People fall out of the world sometimes, but they always leave traces. Little things we can't quite account for. Faces in photographs, luggage, half eaten meals... rings... Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered, it can come back. AMY: (snaps box closed and gives it back) So, was she nice, your friend? The DOCTOR puts the ring back in his pocket and heads back to the Pandorica to work on it. He stops and looks to AMY. DOCTOR: Remember that night you flew away with me? AMY: Of course I do. DOCTOR: And you asked me why I was taking you and I told you there wasn't a reason. I was lying. AMY: What, so you did have a reason? DOCTOR: Your house. AMY: My house. DOCTOR: It was too big, too many empty rooms. Does it ever bother you, Amy, that your life doesn't make any sense? At that moment, a laser fires. It is from the now activated Cyberman arm. AMY screams and they both hide on the opposite side of the Pandorica. AMY: OK, What was that? DOCTOR: Need a proper look. Got to draw its fire, give it a target. AMY: How? DOCTOR: You know how sometimes I have really brilliant ideas? AMY: Yes... DOCTOR: Sorry! (runs out and stands in the open, arms spread high) Look at me, I'm a target! The laser fires again and the DOCTOR ducks behind a pillar. AMY: What is that? DOCTOR: Cyber-arm. Arm of a Cyberman. AMY: And what's a Cyberman? DOCTOR: Oh, sort of part man, part robot. The organic part must have died off years ago, now the robot part is looking for fresh meat. AMY: What, us? DOCTOR: It's just like being an organ donor, except you're alive and sort of screaming. I need to get round behind it, could you draw its fire? AMY: Like you did? DOCTOR: You'll be fine if you're quick, it's only got one arm. Literally. (smiles and gives two thumbs up) AMY nervously returns the gesture before running, screaming, in the opposite direction. The cyberarm fires at her and the DOCTOR comes up behind it, dives, and grabs it. He then uses the screwdriver on it. AMY: Doctor? DOCTOR: Scrambled its circuits, but stay where you are. It could be bluffing. AMY: Bluffing? It's an arm! DOCTOR: I said stay where you are! (stands) Angry, AMY steps back and crosses her arms. We then see her legs from the POV of something on the ground. It moves closer and a wire then wraps around one of her legs. AMY: (looks down) Doctor? (falls to the ground) DOCTOR: Amy! The cyber-arm releases a large dose of energy causing the DOCTOR to collapse to the ground unconscious. AMY: Doctor! The Cyberman head is using its wires to pulls itself closer to AMY, binding her wrists. As she fights it, she lifts it and stares at it. As she does so, a seam opens down the center. Inside is the skull of the former occupant. AMY screams. The skull falls out and the head begins snapping open and closed in an attempt to get to AMY. She bangs it against one of the stone pillars before throwing it to the ground. It begins to scuttle away. AMY: Doctor! The head shoots a small dart to her neck. CYBER-HEAD: You will be assimilated. AMY: Yeah? You and whose body? There is the sound of heavy footsteps. AMY looks away from the head and sees the body of a Cyberman approaching. It is missing its head and left arm. It picks up the head and replaces it before coming after AMY. She tries to defend herself with a torch but the drug in her system is beginning to take effect. She falls through a double set of doors that shut behind her. AMY: Doctor! The Cyberman pounds on the door to get to her and then there is silence. She puts her ear to the door. AMY: Doctor? A sword is thrust into the door just before it swings open to show the Cyberman pinned and sparking. A Roman soldier stands there. AMY is unable to make him out clearly due to the drug. AMY: Who...? Who are you...? The soldier removes his helmet. It is RORY. RORY: Hello, Amy. AMY faints and RORY catches her. RORY: Whoa, whoa! RORY carries her to a stone table and sets her down. He caresses her hair just as another soldier enters the small room. SOLDIER: Sir, the man's coming round. DOCTOR: (O.C.) Amy?! Where's Amy? (runs into the room) RORY: She's fine, Doctor, just unconscious. DOCTOR: (rushes over) OK... (checks her with screwdriver) Yes, she's sedated, that's all. Half an hour, she'll be fine. OK, Romans, good, I was just wishing for Romans, good old River. How many? RORY: 50 men up top, volunteers. What about that thing? (points to Cyberman) DOCTOR: 50? Not exactly a legion. RORY nods to the other solider, who leaves. RORY: Your friend was very persuasive, but it's a tough sell. DOCTOR: Yes, I know that, Rory, I'm not exactly one to miss the obvious. But we need everything we can get. (pulls out two large guns from a chest) OK, Cyber-weapons. This is basically a sentry box. So, headless wonder here was a sentry. Probably got himself duffed up by the locals. Never underestimate a Celt. RORY: Doctor... DOCTOR: Hush, Rory. Why leave a Cyberman on guard? Unless it's a Cyberthing in the box. But why would they lock up one of their own? OK, no, not a Cyberthing, but what, what? No, I'm missing something obvious, Rory! (stands face-to-face) Something big, something right slap in front of me, I can feel it! RORY: Yeah, I think you probably are. DOCTOR: I'll get it in a minute. The DOCTOR strides out of the room with the guns leaving RORY just standing there. There is a loud clatter as the DOCTOR puts down the weapons and slowly re-enters the room. He walks up to RORY and stares at him. He pokes RORY in the chest and RORY sways. DOCTOR: Hello again. RORY: Hello. DOCTOR: How've you been? RORY: Good. Yeah, good. I mean, Roman. DOCTOR: Rory, I'm not trying to be rude, but you died. RORY: Yeah, I know, I was there. DOCTOR: You died and then you were erased from time. You didn't just die, you were never born at all, you never existed. RORY: Erased? What does that mean? DOCTOR: How can you be here? RORY: I don't know. It's kind of fuzzy. DOCTOR: Fuzzy? RORY: Well, I died and turned into a Roman. It's very distracting! (runs a hand across AMY'S cheek) Did she miss me? The DOCTOR doesn't answer. There is a loud whooshing and rumbling and the DOCTOR and RORY run out of the smaller room into the main cavern. The symbols on the Pandorica are glowing green. The DOCTOR uses the screwdriver on it. The other Roman soldiers watch. RORY: What is it? What's happening? DOCTOR: The final phase. It's opening. (sets a hand on the turning gears) EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The Roman soldiers who had come with RORY look up at the sky. RORY arrives above ground and sees the ships in the sky. The ships aim their beams of light on Stonehenge. EXT. FIELD, NIGHT RIVER watches from a distance on horseback. She calls the DOCTOR on her communicator. RIVER: You're surrounded. Have you got a plan? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR is lying on the ground by the Pandorica as he uses the sonic screwdriver. DOCTOR: Yes! Now hurry up and get the TARDIS here. I need equipment! EXT. FIELD, NIGHT RIVER rolls her eyes and rides off. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: What are you? They're all here, all of them, all for you. What could you possibly be? EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT As the ships fly overhead, the DOCTOR'S voice echoes in the night. DOCTOR: Sorry, sorry, dropped it. RORY looks around trying to locate the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Hello, Stonehenge! Who takes the Pandorica, takes the universe. But bad news, everyone... (jumps up on flat stone) 'Cos guess who?! Ha! (uses communicator) Listen, you lot, you're all whizzing about, it's really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute? Because I am talking! (the ships still) The question of the hour is, who's got the Pandorica? Answer... I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on! Look at me, no plan, no back-up, no weapons worth a damn. Oh, and something else, I don't have, anything... to... lose! So if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship, with all your silly little guns, and you've got any plans on taking the Pandorica tonight, just remember who's standing in your way. Remember every black day I ever stopped you. And then, AND THEN, do the smart thing. Let somebody else try first. The DOCTOR holds his arms outstretched, daring someone to try. The ships take off. RORY exhales. The DOCTOR throws RORY his communicator and jumps down. DOCTOR: That'll keep 'em squabbling for half an hour! Romans! INT. TARDIS RIVER enters the TARDIS and immediately goes about setting the coordinates to take it to the DOCTOR. RIVER: OK... The TARDIS dematerializes with a jolt. RIVER: What's the matter with you? INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT RORY: They're still out there. What do we do now? DOCTOR: If I can stop whatever's in this box getting out, then they'll go home. RORY: Right. DOCTOR: Rory, I'm sorry, you're going to have to be very brave now. AMY has woken up and is walking towards them rubbing her head. She walks right past RORY to the DOCTOR. AMY: Oh, my head. DOCTOR: Aaaahhh. AMY: Aaaahhh. The DOCTOR gives her a cursory examination. DOCTOR: Just your basic knock-out drops. Get some fresh air, you'll be fine. AMY: Is it safe up there? DOCTOR: Not remotely, but it's fresh. AMY: Fine. (turns and nearly bumps into RORY) Oh, you're the guy, yeah, the one who did the...swordy thing. RORY: Yeah. AMY: Well, thanks for the swording. Nice swording. (taps him on the shoulder and walks off) RORY: No problem. My men are up there. They'll look after you. AMY: Good. Love a Roman! (goes up the stairs) RORY: (watches her leave) She doesn't remember me. (turns to the DOCTOR) How can she not remember me? DOCTOR: Because you never existed. INT. TARDIS The TARDIS is not behaving for RIVER. RIVER: What are you doing, what's wrong? INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: There are cracks. Cracks in time. There's going to be a huge explosion in the future, on one particular day. And every other moment in history is cracking around it. RORY: So how does that work? What kind of explosion? What exploded? [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK... We see RIVER'S communicator from "Flesh and Stone" counting down the AMY and RORY'S wedding day interspersed with the DOCTOR discovering a piece of the TARDIS in the crack from "Cold Blood". RIVER: ...And for those of us who can't read the base code of the universe? DOCTOR: Amy's time! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Doesn't matter, the cracks are everywhere. Get too close and you can fall right out of the universe. RORY: So I fell through a crack and now I was never born? DOCTOR: Basically. RORY: How did I end up here? DOCTOR: I don't know, you shouldn't have. What happened? From your point of view, what physically happened? RORY: I was in the cave, with you and Amy. I was dying and then I was just here, a Roman soldier. A proper Roman. Head full of Roman... stuff, a whole other life. Just here like I'd woken up from a dream. Started to think it was a dream. You and Amy and Leadworth. Then today, in the camp, the men were talking about the visitors, the girl with the red hair. I thought you'd come back for me. But she can't even remember me. DOCTOR: Oh, shut up. RORY: What? The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket, pulls out the ring box and tosses it to RORY. DOCTOR: Go get her. RORY: But I don't understand. Why am I here? DOCTOR: Because you are. The universe is big. It's vast and complicated and ridiculous, and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles, and that's the theory. 900 years, never seen one yet. But this would do me. Now get upstairs, she's Amy and she's surrounded by Romans. I'm not sure history can take it. RORY nods and the DOCTOR slaps him on the back as he heads topside. INT. TARDIS The TARDIS stops with a jolt. RIVER: OK? You OK now? The monitor acts up and RIVER whacks it a few times before leaving. After she has stepped outside, the monitor then shows the location as Earth and the date as 26/6/2010. The screen then cracks in a familiar pattern and a voice practically growls. VOICE: Silence will fall. EXT. AMY'S HOUSE, NIGHT RIVER: Why have you brought me here? RIVER holds out her scanner and slowly walks towards the door. The scanner begins to beep and RIVER sees alien symbols burned into the grass. RIVER: OK, so something's been here. The door is off its hinges and RIVER proceeds carefully into the house. INT. AMY'S HOUSE, NIGHT RIVER proceeds up the stairs to AMY'S room. INT. AMY'S HOUSE, AMY'S ROOM, NIGHT RIVER sees AMY'S childhood "Raggedy Doctor" dolls. RIVER: Amy... Oh, Doctor, why do I let you out? RIVER then sees a children's book on Roman Britain, a soldier featuring prominently on the cover. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK... River remembers her encounter with the COMMANDER. COMMANDER: (draws sword) A place more deadly and more powerful and more impatient than their tiny minds can imagine. [SCENE_BREAK] RIVER sees a book on Pandora's Box. In her head, she hears AMY say that it was her favorite book as a child. RIVER: Oh no... EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT AMY is sitting on a log with a blanket wrapped around her when RORY finds her. RORY: Are you OK? AMY: Did the Doctor send you? I'm fine, he just fusses. RORY: You got a blanket. That's good. Who gave you that? AMY: One of the fellas. RORY: Which one? AMY: Just one of them. Does it matter? RORY: No, no. Forget him, it. Forget it. AMY: What's your name? RORY: I'm... Rory. What's wrong? AMY: Nothing. It's just not what you expect Romans to be called. What's it short for? Roranicus? RORY: Yeah. (studies her face) You're crying. AMY puts a hand to her face to wipe the tears. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) The TARDIS, where is it? Hurry up! INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Don't raise your voice, don't look alarmed, just listen. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RORY: Hey, what's wrong? AMY: (crying) Nothing. It's like... It's like I'm happy. Why am I happy? INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) They're not real, they can't be. They're all right here in the story book, (flips through AMY'S book) those actual Romans, the ones I sent you, the ones you're with right now. They're all in a book in Amy's house, a children's picture book. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) What are you even doing there? RIVER: (over communicator) It doesn't matter. The TARDIS went wrong. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Doctor, how is this possible? INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Something's using her memories, Amy's memories. RIVER: (over communicator) But how? DOCTOR: (into communicator) You said something had been there. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Yes, there's burn marks on the grass outside, landing patterns. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) If they've been to her house, they could have used her psychic residue. Structures can hold memories, that's why houses have ghosts. They could've taken a snapshot of Amy's memories. But why? INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Doctor, who are those Romans? INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Projections. Or duplicates. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) But they were helping us. My lipstick even worked. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) They might think they're real. The perfect disguise. They actually believe their own cover story, right until they're activated. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Doctor, that Centurion... RIVER holds up a photo of RORY and AMY. RORY is dressed as a Roman soldier. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RORY: What's the matter? AMY: Nothing. (she reaches out with a hand and caresses his face) I don't know why I'm doing that. RORY: It's me. Amy, please... It's me. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) It's a trap, it has to be. They used Amy to construct a scenario you'd believe, to get close to you. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Why? Who'd do that? What for? It doesn't make sense. INT. TARDIS The console sparks and the TARDIS shudders. DOCTOR: (over communicator) River? River? INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) River, what's happening?! INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) I don't know, it's the engines. Doctor, there's something wrong with the TARDIS, like something else is controlling it. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) You're flying it wrong. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) I'm flying it perfectly. You taught me. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Where are you? What's the date reading? INT. TARDIS RIVER checks the monitor. RIVER: (into communicator) It's the 26th June, 2010. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) You need to get out of there now! Any other time zone, just go. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) I can't break free. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Well, then, shut down the TARDIS. Shut down everything! INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) I can't! RIVER hears the VOICE. VOICE: Silence will fall. Silence will fall. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT AMY pulls her hand away and stands. AMY: But I don't know you, I've never seen you before in my life. RORY: You have. You know you have. It's me. AMY: (backs away) Why am I crying? RORY: Because you remember me. I came back! You're crying because you remember me. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Someone else is flying it. An external force. I've lost control. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) But how? Why? There is a high-pitched whine. The DOCTOR covers his other ear. The Romans drop into a bent forward position. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The Romans outside respond in a similar manner. Some move away as if entranced. RORY is fighting against it. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Listen to me, just land her anywhere. Emergency landing, now. There are cracks in time, I've seen them everywhere, and they're getting wider. The Romans straighten behind the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: (into communicator) The TARDIS exploding is what causes them, but we can stop the cracks ever happening if you just land her! INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) It's not safe. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The Pandorica begins to open, two sides sliding away from the closest corner to the cavern entrance. The light shines on the DOCTOR'S face as he lowers the communicator. DOCTOR: Well, now. Ready to come out, are we? The Romans turn in unison and lift their right hands in front of them. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The Romans walk towards Stonehenge. RORY is resisting. RORY: No! No, please, no! I'm not going. I'm Rory! AMY watches, not knowing what is happening. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Doctor, I'm down. I've landed. DOCTOR: (over communicator) OK, just walk out of the doors. If there's no-one inside, the TARDIS engines shut down. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (into communicator) Just get out of there. RIVER: (over communicator) I'm going. DOCTOR: (into communicator) Run! The DOCTOR goes towards the Pandorica. INT. TARDIS RIVER runs to the TARDIS door. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The fingers of the Roman soldiers' hands flip downward revealing guns. They march forward towards the DOCTOR, who is using the sonic screwdriver on the Pandorica. INT. TARDIS RIVER tries to open the TARDIS door but it won't budge. She grunts in frustration and runs back to the communicator. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT RIVER: (over communicator) Doctor! Doctor! I can't open the doors! As the DOCTOR bends down to pick up the communicator, he sees the Roman soldiers advancing. DOCTOR: Amy! EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RORY is struggling against his programming. RORY: Listen to me, you have to run. You have to get as far away from here as you can! I'm a thing. I'll kill you. Just go! Please, no, I don't want to go. I'm Rory! I'm... I'm... AMY: Williams. Rory Williams from Leadworth. My boyfriend. (holds him by the shoulders) How could I ever forget you? RORY: Amy, you've got to run. I can't hold on, I'm going. AMY: You are Rory Williams and you aren't going anywhere ever again. INT. TARDIS RIVER: (into communicator) Doctor, I can't open the doors! Doctor, please, I've got seconds! INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR is being held by two of the Roman soldiers and led away from the Pandorica. DOCTOR: Plastic Romans. Duplicates, driven by the Nestene Consciousness, eh? Deep cover, but what for? What are you doing? What's in there, eh? What's coming out? INT. TARDIS RIVER runs jumper cables from the console and attaches them to the main door. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The two Nestene duplicates are facing the Pandorica. The DOCTOR is between them, facing the opposite direction. SOLDIER: The Pandorica is ready. DOCTOR: What, you mean it's open? DALEK: You have been scanned. Assessed. Understood. Doctor. The DOCTOR slowly looks over his shoulder and sees a white DALEK. A red and a yellow dalek soon materialize beside it. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT AMY: (crying) The ring. Remember the ring? You'd never let me wear it in case I lost it. RORY: The Doctor gave it to me. AMY: Show it to me. Show me the ring. RORY: Amy... AMY: Come on! Just show it to me. With shaking hands, RORY takes out the box and opens it. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR is now facing the DALEKS, still held by the Nestene duplicates. DOCTOR: Scanned? Scanned by what, a box? CYBERMAN: Your limits and capacities have been extrapolated. The DOCTOR looks around for the source and Cybermen appear followed by Judoon and Sontarans. SONTARAN: The Pandorica is ready. DOCTOR: Ready for what? DALEK: Ready for you. We see inside the Pandorica. Amidst the advanced technology is a chair with restraints. The DOCTOR tries to pull away from the Nestene soldiers holding him. The soldiers pull him forward. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT AMY: There it is. You remember. This is you. And you are staying. RORY'S hand opens, revealing the gun. RORY: No... He fires and AMY gasps as she is shot. RORY pulls her close. RORY: No! No! INT. TARDIS RIVER connects the wires as the TARDIS continues to spark and explode. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT We now see Silurians, a Hoix and Roboforms as the DOCTOR is walked to the Pandorica. INT. TARDIS RIVER'S attempt to open the door sets more sparks flying from the console. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR'S enemies watch as he is forced along the gauntlet towards the Pandorica. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RORY'S tearstained face watches in anguish as AMY'S body falls backwards in his arms. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR is placed in the chair within the Pandorica and clamps are placed around his wrists and ankles and a large yoke comes down on his shoulders. His enemies stand at the opening to gloat over his end. DOCTOR: You lot, working together, an alliance... How is that possible? DALEK: The cracks in the skin of the universe. SONTARAN: All reality is threatened. CYBERMAN: All universes will be deleted. DOCTOR: What? And you've come to me for help? SONTARAN: No. We will save the universe from you! DOCTOR: From me? CYBERMAN: All projections correlate. All evidence concurs. The Doctor will destroy the universe. DOCTOR: No, no, no. You've got it wrong. CYBERMAN: The Pandorica was constructed to ensure the safety of the alliance. DALEK: A scenario was devised from the memories of your companion. SONTARAN: A trap the Doctor could not resist. DALEK: The cracks in time are the work of the Doctor. It is confirmed. DOCTOR: No. no, no. Not me, the TARDIS. And I'm not in the TARDIS, am I? DALEK: Only the Doctor can pilot the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Please, listen to me! DALEK: You will be prevented. DOCTOR: Total event collapse! Every sun will supernova at every moment in history. The whole universe will never have existed! Please, listen to me! CYBERMAN: Seal the Pandorica. DOCTOR: No! Please, listen to me! The TARDIS is exploding right now and I'm the only one who can stop it! Listen to me! The Pandorica slams shut. INT. TARDIS RIVER opens the doors to the TARDIS only to be met by a stone wall. RIVER: I'm sorry, my love. RIVER looks back over her shoulder as the console explodes with a bright light. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RORY holds AMY'S body and sobs. The camera pulls away, further into the sky. SPACE All around the Earth, stars go supernova and explode leaving nothing but darkness.

Plan: A: River Song; Q: Who summons the Doctor and Amy to 102 AD? A: a van Gogh; Q: What artist painted the TARDIS exploding? A: Stonehenge; Q: What is the location of the Pandorica? A: Pandorica; Q: What is the name of the prison box? A: an alliance; Q: What do the Doctor's enemies form to put him in the Pandorica? A: Amy's memories; Q: What is the Pandorica constructed from? A: Auton; Q: What is the name of the artificial life form? A: Rory; Q: Who shoots Amy? A: Amy's house; Q: Where does the TARDIS bring River? A: 26 June 2010; Q: When does the TARDIS explode? A: explodes; Q: What happens to the TARDIS? Summary: River Song summons the Doctor and Amy to 102 AD, when she shows them a van Gogh painting of the TARDIS exploding; the painting contains the coordinates of Stonehenge . Under Stonehenge they discover the Pandorica, a prison box said to contain the most powerful (and feared) being in the universe. However, the Pandorica is empty; an alliance of the Doctor's enemies arrive to put him in the box, since they believe that the Doctor is causing the cracks with the TARDIS. The Pandorica, constructed from Amy's memories, contains an Auton (artificial life form) version of Rory; he shoots her. The TARDIS brings River to Amy's house on 26 June 2010 and explodes, widening the cracks and causing the universe to begin erasing.

: The Cheesecake Factory. Raj: I'm telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong. Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you'd be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic. Raj: Oh, you're so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance. Sheldon: You're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto. Howard (laughs): I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together. Leonard: Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice. Raj: Has it occurred to you you're missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data... Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny? Penny: What's up? Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking. Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, no, no. He won. Suck it up. Penny: Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard's lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal. Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter. Penny: You want the fruit platter? Leonard: Does it have melon on it? Penny: Yeah. Leonard: No, I can't eat melon. Penny: Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift. Leonard: When was the last time you saw her? Howard: Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table). Bernadette: Hi, guys. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Hello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened. Raj: It's one of his best moves. Credits sequence. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Howard enters in a silk dressing gown, puts on romantic music and sets up mood lighting. Gets onto bed. Howard: So, my dear, we meet again. Katee Sackhoff: Hello, Howard. I've missed you. Howard: I've missed you, Katee Sackhoff. Katee Sackhoff: One question. Howard: Anything. Katee Sackhoff: Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed? Howard: Why are you in bed with me? If we start to question this, it all falls apart. Katee Sackhoff: Sorry. Oh, ravish me, Howard. My loins ache for you. Howard: Okay, if you insist. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, have you seen my girdle?! Howard: No, Ma! Mrs Wolowitz: I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting! Howard: Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone! Now, where were we? Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth. Howard: Bernadette? What are you doing here? Katee Sackhoff: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening, and you're still hung up on me. Howard: No, I'm not. Bernadette: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now. Howard: Okay, I'm a little confused here. George Takei: Oh, my. Can I help? Howard: Not that kind of confused. Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here? Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies? Howard: No, of course not. George Takei: So you say. Yet, here I am. Katee Sackhoff: George, let me ask you something. How did you deal with being typecast as a science fiction icon? George Takei: It's difficult. You try and stretch as an actor, do Strindberg, O'Neill, but all they want is, Course laid in, Captain. Katee Sackhoff: Tell me about it. It's frackin' frustrating. Howard: Wait. Katee, why are you leaving? Bernadette: She's leaving because you really want to be with me. Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, I found my girdle! It was in the dryer! Howard: Great, Ma! Mrs Wolowitz: I think it shrunk! I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here! Howard: And with that mental picture, I think we're done for the evening. Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard: You know, you never told me what happened between you and Bernadette. Howard: I did a stupid thing. Leonard: Yeah, I guessed that. Howard: It was the kind of thing that makes it kind of hard to face her now. Leonard: That covers anything from farting in bed to killing a homeless guy. Oh, my God. You ran over a hobo. Howard: No. Stop asking. Leonard: All right, fine. So you want to get back together with her, but you're too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did. Howard: In a nutshell. Leonard: Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you. Howard: Now, you see, I don't know if you're kidding or not. Raj: You're being unreasonable. Why can't I have a desk? Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don't need desks. Raj: You have a desk. Sheldon: Correct. Raj: But I can't have one. Sheldon: You're two for two. Leonard: Why can't he have a desk, Sheldon? Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it's convenient, there's absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture. Raj: Oh, but there's money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand? Sheldon: Yes. Howard: Okay, what if he buys his own desk? Raj: Yeah, what if I buy my own desk? Sheldon: That's ridiculous. Howard: Why? Sheldon: Because... Raj: Yes? Sheldon: It's my office. Leonard: Sheldon. Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk. Raj: And I can put it in your office? Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I's and cross the T's, don't you? Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm? Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny is gathering laundry. Penny (picking up a top and sniffing it): Ah, it's okay. Sheldon (voice): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny opens door. Howard is stood outside with a hand-held voice recorder.) Penny? Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me? Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it. Howard: I just have a question. Does Bernadette ever talk about me? Penny: Oh, absolutely. Howard: She does? Penny: Yeah, sure. Just yesterday, she asked, why is Howard hiding under the table? Howard: She saw that, huh? Penny: Oh, no, not at first. Right after I pointed it out. Howard: Let me ask you something else. Is she seeing anybody? Penny: Uh, not that I know of. Hey, while we're on the subject, why did you guys break up anyway? Howard: Oh, I'd rather not say. Penny: Howard, if you want my help, I've got to know what happened. Howard: But it's embarrassing. Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill. Howard: Okay. Well, you know World of Warcraft? Penny: Um, the online game? Sure. Howard: Well, did you know that the characters in the game can have s*x with each other? Penny: Oh, God. I think I see where this is going. Howard: Her name was Glissinda the Troll. Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber-nasty under the Bridge of Souls. Penny: Oh, you're right. That is so embarrassing. Howard: Would you talk to her? Penny: Bernadette or the troll? Howard: Bernadette. She was so mad at me, she wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. Penny: Well, what was your side? Howard: Well, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn't even a real woman. I mean, she could've been a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey. Penny: Really? And that didn't make her feel better? Howard: Will you talk to her, see if there's any chance at all we could get back together? Penny: Oh, gee, Howard, I really don't want to get in the middle of this. Howard: No. Why would you? I'm just another lonely nerd, living with his mother, trying to find any scrap of happiness he can. You know, maybe to make up for the fact that his dad left him when he was 11. Penny: Okay, I will think about it. Howard: You know, I've always blamed myself for him leaving. I always thought it was because I wasn't the son he wanted. Penny: Yeah, I said I'd think about it. Howard: I wasn't athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly. Penny: Okay, fine. Look, look, I'm calling her now! See? Howard: Thank you. Scene: A corridor at the university. Leonard: So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee. Sheldon: One question. Leonard: Yeah? Sheldon: Why on earth are you telling me all this? Leonard: I don't know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you're not a real boy. (Sheldon opens his office door. It bangs against a desk. Inside, Raj is sat behind a huge, ornate antique wooden desk in an enormous antique swivel chair.) Raj: You said I could buy a desk. Sheldon: This isn't a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity. Raj: Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk? Sheldon: It's actually British. Raj: Can you say it again for me? Sheldon: Brobdingnagian. Raj: One more time? Sheldon: Brobdingnagian. Raj: Now three times fast? Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna... How did you even get it in here? Raj: That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. Sheldon: All right, you've made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out. Raj: No. Sheldon: Yes. Raj: No. Sheldon: Yes. Raj: No. Sheldon: Yes. Raj: I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day. Sheldon: All right, if you're not going to remove it, I'll remove it for you. Raj: Knock yourself out. Sheldon: Help me move my desk. Raj: No. Sheldon: Yes. Raj: No. Sheldon: Yes. Raj: No. It's too Brobdingnagian. Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose. Raj: Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot-on. Sheldon: All right, I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted. Raj: Thank you. Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat. Raj: Hey, Sheldon? Sheldon: Yes? Raj: No. See what I did there? I turned it around. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bernadette: Sorry, I had to clock out. Howard: Oh, no, that's okay. How have you been? Bernadette: Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You? Howard: Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I'm terrified of the ocean. Bernadette: Too bad. Howard: You wouldn't know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy's large? Yeah, forget it. Not important. So, are you seeing anyone? Bernadette: Well, to be honest, I... Penny: Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink? Howard: Not for me, thanks. Bernadette: I'm okay. Penny: Are you gonna want to order food? Howard: Maybe later. Penny: Okay. Howard: So, are you seeing anybody? Bernadette: No. Penny: That's what I told him when he asked me. I hope that's not out of line. Bernadette: No, it's fine. Howard: Penny, can we have a little privacy? Penny: Oh. I'm sorry. Bernadette: What about you, have you been seeing anybody? Howard: Well, you know how it is with guys. I mean, we have needs and... Bernadette: So you've been seeing other girls? Howard: Well, not real girls. Bernadette: Does that mean slutty trolls? Penny: You know, you look thirsty. I brought you some iced tea. Bernadette: Thank you. Penny: It's passion fruit, new on the menu. Bernadette: I know. I work here. Penny: Oh, sorry. Yeah, you're right. Doy. So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay? Howard: Isn't there somewhere else you can be? Penny: Not where I can hear you guys. Howard: Okay, fine. I'll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. But the only reason I go there, the only reason I've ever gone there is because I don't have a real woman in my life. You happy? Penny: Yeah, that'll hold me for a while. Bernadette: Howard, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll's brains out. Howard: Yeah, but we weren't, I-I mean, you and I never... Bernadette: Had s*x? Howard: Yeah. Bernadette: Well, whose fault was that? Penny: Complimentary nachos! You enjoy. Never had s*x? Wow. Howard: What do you mean, whose fault was that? Bernadette: Well, we could've been having s*x, but you never made the move. Howard: I didn't think you wanted me to make the move. Bernadette: Howard, a girl doesn't go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter and your tight hoochie pants if she's not expecting him to eventually make the move. Howard: Really? Bernadette: Really. Howard: Son of a bitch. Penny: Hey, this is a little awkward, but my manager says I can't actually give nachos away. So, just take that when you're ready. Scene: University corridor. Howard: Yeah, we had a really great talk, and we're gonna start seeing each other again. Leonard: Oh, congratulations. Have you broken it to the troll yet? Howard: Did Penny tell you about that? Leonard: No. Steve Patterson told me. Howard: The greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: How'd he know about it? Leonard: He's Glissinda the troll. Raj (voice): Sorry, dude, the thermostat's on my side of the room, so it stays Mumbai hot in here until you turn off that stupid Indian music! Sheldon (voice): I'll turn off the music when you get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet! Raj (voice): Oh, too bad! Sheldon's pathologically afraid of birds! Hey, look, Sheldon! Birdie, birdie, birdie! Sheldon (voice): That's it! Prepare for marshmallow death! Raj (voice): Eat flaming Nerf! (Imitates gunfire) Leonard: So anyway, that's great news about you and Bernadette. Howard: Yeah. I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf. Leonard: Ah. Well, I guess for you guys that's like regular golf. Howard: Short jokes? Really? You're, like, a quarter of an inch taller than me. Leonard: Yeah, and don't you forget it. Scene: Bernadette's car. Howard: I had a good time. Bernadette: Me, too. Katee Sackhoff: Kiss her good night. All right, now a little tongue. George Takei: Hold on there. We've only just rekindled the romance. Let's not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva. Katee Sackhoff: Don't listen to him. She wants it. Tongue. Luh-luh-luh-luh-luh. See? Now make the move. George Takei: Mm-mmm. Too soon. Katee Sackhoff: Trust me, she's ready. Make the move. George Takei: No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly. Katee Sackhoff: How would you know? George Takei: I read. Katee Sackhoff: Listen to me, Howard, it's time. Make the move, now. Bernadette: Mm! What are you doing? Howard: You said, well, the move, remember? Bernadette: Oh, not now. We're starting a new relationship. I need to get to know you again. Howard: No, you don't. It's me. The lusty charmer with the fancy patter and the hoochie pants. Bernadette: Be patient, we'll get there. George Takei: Told you. Scene: University corridor. Leonard: Oh, God, what's that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon's door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo! Sheldon: Yes? Leonard: What are you doing in there? Sheldon: I'm making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control. Raj: It's not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement. Sheldon: Well, we'll just see how long you can hold out. Raj: Well, we'll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles. Leonard: Didn't you say you're making hydrogen sulphide gas? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: Isn't that flammable? Sheldon: Highly. Oh, dear. (Explosion) Raj: This is not over.

Plan: A: Howard; Q: Who resumes his relationship with Bernadette? A: Penny; Q: Who points out that Bernadette is Howard's best chance of being with a real woman? A: Sheldon; Q: Who does Raj get into a dispute with? A: their small office; Q: Where does Raj bring a large desk? Summary: Howard resumes his relationship with Bernadette after Penny points out that she is his best chance of being with a real woman, as opposed to masturbation. Meanwhile, Sheldon and Raj get into a dispute when Raj brings a large desk into their small office.

(Rory, Lorelai, and Emily are at Friday night dinner.) EMILY: Tomorrow our lawyer, Joseph Stanford, is coming by. LORELAI: Ugh. Crazy Sissy's dad. EMILY: That's terrible. Sissy was a good friend of yours. LORELAI: Mom, Sissy talked to her stuffed animals and they answered her. RORY: Let's just start a new topic. EMILY: Not possible! LORELAI: She said a new topic, Mom. EMILY: Everything's a joke. Everyone's a punch line. LORELAI: OK, I'm sorry. EMILY: My daughter -- Henny Youngman. (Richard comes in late.) RICHARD: Sorry for that. A little trouble with our China office. Well. What did I miss? LORELAI: I was being impossible and then I turned into a Jewish comedian. RICHARD: Ah. Well, continue. EMILY: Thank you. Where was I? RORY: Uh, Joseph Stanford is coming tomorrow. EMILY: Yes. So, Rory, your grandfather and I thought it might be nice after dinner for you to go around the house and pick out what you'd like us to leave you in our wills. RICHARD: Take a look at that desk in my office. It's a really fine Georgian piece. LORELAI: Why don't I ever bring a tape recorder to these dinners? RORY: Oh, well, anything you want to leave me is fine. EMILY: Nonsense. You should have what you like. So look around and when you see something you like stick a post-it on it. LORELAI: OK, you two have officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at. EMILY: You can pick out things too, you know. LORELAI: Oh, well now it's way less creepy. EMILY: Did you hear that Richard? Apparently we're creepy. RICHARD: Yes, well, live and learn. (The maid comes in with a tray.) RORY: Oh cool! LORELAI: What's that? EMILY: It's dessert. LORELAI: It's pudding. EMILY: Well if you knew what it was why did you ask? LORELAI: You don't like pudding. EMILY: Yes, but you like pudding. LORELAI: Oh, I love pudding. I worship it. I have a bowl up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine, and a dollar bill next to it. RORY: I've never had pudding from a crystal bowl before. EMILY You like the bowl? RORY: Mmm. EMILY: Put a post-it on it when you're done. (Lorelai and Rory are putting post-its on on things in the living room.) LORELAI: So what do we think of this? RORY: Where would we put it? LORELAI: I don't know. The Emily and Richard Gilmore Psycho Museum? RORY: This is the strangest evening I've ever spent here. EMILY: So, how's it going? LORELAI: Great, just getting ready for the big day. EMILY: Very nice. LORELAI: So, um, it's getting late, Mom. Unless you've got some funeral plots for us to decorate we should really be going. EMILY: Any special requests for dinner next week? RORY: Oh, well -- LORELAI: Mom, I want to talk to you for a minute, and Rory, why don't you go say goodbye to Grandpa... RORY: Very smooth. (Rory leaves the room.) EMILY: Should I sit down? LORELAI: Yeah, but not there, OK? We got a post-it on that. We'd like to keep it nice. EMILY: It must be very exhausting to be you. LORELAI: Mom, Rory's birthday is next Friday. EMILY: I know that. LORELAI: So we were thinking that maybe we could push our dinner next week to Saturday. EMILY: What are you going to do on Friday? LORELAI: Oh I don't know. EMILY: Well perfect. You'll come here and we'll have a little party. LORELAI: I was just hoping we could do it another night. EMILY: Well why come on another night when her birthday falls on the exact night that you do come here. LORELAI: Saturday's a pretty good night, Mom. EMILY: Not as good as Friday. LORELAI: Pretty damn close. EMILY: Not from where I'm standing. LORELAI: Well, move then. EMILY: I'm sorry. Friday nights are my nights. That's what we agreed on when you borrowed money for her school. The rules haven't changed. LORELAI: Mom, I didn't intend for this loan to become a constant source of blackmail, OK? Now this is my kid's birthday and she will have her party at home on Friday and that's it? End of story. (Cut to Rory and Lorelai sitting in the car.) LORELAI: So, how would you like two parties this year? RORY: You couldn't get her to cave. LORELAI: No, but she did agree to make the string quartet to learn "Like A Virgin." RORY: Well, you tried. LORELAI: Sweetie, I promise, Saturday night we'll do it up right at home. A Stars Hollow extravaganza. RORY: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal? LORELAI: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert...again. RORY: Uh-huh. LORELAI: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips. RORY: You ask a simple question... (Cut to the inn. Lorelai is in the kitchen with Sookie.) SOOKIE: Mini orange biscuits with honey-mustard ham and cheddar cheese. LORELAI: Yum. SOOKIE: Angel wings with dipping sauce. LORELAI: Good, good. SOOKIE: Oh, did you bring me the picture? LORELAI: Oh, yes. SOOKIE: Too bad you couldn't get your mom to relinquish Friday night. LORELAI: No, she has her Vulcan death grip on that one. SOOKIE: Not that surprising though. LORELAI: Emily Gilmore -- you could set your watch by her. Oh, you know what she did do last night? SOOKIE: Wore jeans? LORELAI: Served pudding. SOOKIE: I was close! LORELAI: I mean, I'm sure it was some expensive form of pudding, but nonetheless, it was pudding! SOOKIE: That is amazing. LORELAI: Right. That would mean that she actually made a mental note that we liked pudding, which would mean that she actually listened to something other than the judgmental conga line going on in her head, and got over the fact that, to her, pudding is hospital food, and only acceptable when you've just had vital organ ripped out of your body. SOOKIE: Wow, that's some journey she had to take there. (Jackson rushes in.) JACKSON: Open your mouth and close your eyes. LORELAI: Who are you talking to? JACKSON: Right, sorry. (goes to Sookie) Open your mouth and close your eyes. SOOKIE: OK. JACKSON: Now get ready for something truly amazing. SOOKIE: Mmm! JACKSON: Huh? Huh? LORELAI: What is it? SOOKIE: I don't know. It's like, um... JACKSON: A what? SOOKIE: It's like a berry, but way more exotic. JACKSON: Yes! Good. LORELAI: Jackson, have you been having reactions to your fertilizer fumes again? JACKSON: For some time now I've been toying with cross-pollination. Finally I've got it. I figured out a way to cross a raspberry with a kumquat. SOOKIE: Kumquat! That's what I taste! Are you serious? How did you do this? LORELAI: You didn't build one of those machines like in "The Fly" did you? We're not going to find you wandering the streets wearing a raspberry head crying, "eat me!" (Michel comes in and Jackson walks over to him.) JACKSON You! You can make fun of me all you want to today, 'cause tday I am a god. Today, Mother Nature has bowed down to me. MICHEL: How nice for her. LORELAI: Michel, Jackson -- MICHEL: No need to fill me in. I'm quite happy being ignorant of whatever it is that is making him raise his arms over his head. LORELAI: Do you need me? MICHEL: The landscaper does. LORELAI: Oh, hey, Rory's birthday party is Saturday night so start thinking up reasons why you can't come. MICHEL: I'm going to be out of town. LORELAI: Oh, you used that last year. MICHEL: I'll work on it and get back to you LORELAI: 7:00, presents mandatory. MICHEL: Mm-hmm. JACKSON: Rasquat? (Cut to Lorelai's house. Rory is on the phone.) LORELAI: Lucy, I'm home! RORY: Kitchen. LORELAI: 'And Justin is just so dreamy. He can't marry Britney, I'll just cry and cry and cry.' RORY: (into the phone) OK, thanks. (hangs up phone) Pizza's on its way. LORELAI: You're such a good provider. Hi. RORY: I'm going to start my homework. Call me when the pizza guy gets here. (Rory goes to her room. The phone rings.) LORELAI: Hello? EMILY: Lorelai, what is your work schedule? LORELAI: Why? EMILY: I want to go shopping. LORELAI: With me? EMILY: I think that goes without saying. LORELAI: Only in your world, Mom. EMILY: I want to get Rory a birthday present. LORELAI: Well I'm sure whatever you get her, she'll love. EMILY: Yes, but I want to get her something special, something she wants, something...that you would get her. LORELAI: Oh, OK, fine. You can get her the bong then. EMILY: This isn't funny. I hardly to see the girl and we only get to talk at dinner once a week and then it's all about school and Jane. LORELAI: Lane, Mom. EMILY: I thought you might let me into her secret club just this one time and help me buy her something for her birthday. LORELAI: You're serious? EMILY: According to you I'm always serious. LORELAI: OK. EMILY: OK? LORELAI: OK. EMILY: Well, good, I'll meet you at Damion's tomorrow at 3:00 LORELAI: OK. EMILY: And dress appropriately -- LORELAI: Don't finish that sentence Mom. EMILY: I'll see you tomorrow. LORELAI: Thatagirl. (Cut to Chilton. Rory is opening her locker.) TRISTIN: Hey. RORY: What, Tristin? TRISTIN: I just wanted to say 'happy birthday.' RORY: It's not my birthday. TRISTIN: No, but it will be. (reading from a paper) 'On Friday at 4:03 in the morning, Lorelai Leigh --' RORY: What is that? (Rory takes the paper. It's an invitation to her birthday party, from Emily and Richard.) RORY: Who else got these? TRISTIN: I don't know. Everyone in our class, I think. RORY I have to go. TRISTIN: I'll see you Friday, birthday girl. (Rory walks down the hall.) LOUISE: That's her. GIRL #2: My parents are making me go. LOUISE: Another obligation party. GIRL #2: My life stinks. (Cut to a department store. Emily points to a hat.) EMILY: Oh, isn't this lovely? LORELAI: Oh, yeah. As soon as we have her crowned Queen of England we'll give it to her. EMILY: You are so combative today. LORELAI: Hatwear does that to me. Oh, Mom, look. This is good. EMILY: What is that? LORELAI: It's a purse shaped like a guitar. This is great. EMILY: Great for what? LORELAI: For Rory. EMILY: What will Rory do with that? LORELAI: She'll put stuff in it. Carry it around. EMILY: In public? LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: What will people think? LORELAI: That she's an ax murder, of course. EMILY: What about pearls? LORELAI: Pearls? EMILY A double string of pearls with a cashmere sweater set. LORELAI: Mom, she's a young girl. Think of something young. EMILY: A Mont Blanc pen? LORELAI: To put on her desk at the law firm? EMILY: She needs to write. LORELAI: Well not with a $200 pen, she doesn't. Oh, hey, look. These day planners are adorable. You could get her one of those funky erasers with a mermaid on it. She'll love that. EMILY: Please be serious, we're shopping for Rory. LORELAI: No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton. EMILY: I want to get her something nice. LORELAI: I know you do, but you're not listening to me. EMILY: You wanted me to get her a Filofax and a mermaid eraser. LORELAI: It's one suggestion EMILY: Oh, yes, and there was a T-shirt with a Farrah Fawcett face. LORELAI: A hero to many who aspire to the perfect feather fluff. EMILY: Oh I don't know how to do this. Let's just go. LORELAI: Oh, no, no. Come on, Mom. You do know how to do this. Think pudding. EMILY: Pudding? LORELAI: Come on. You asked for my help. You're reaching out. A little -- not a lot -- don't get freaked. But, Mom -- pudding. EMILY: Why do you keep saying pudding? LORELAI: Listen, just look around and pick up something she might like. (Emily picks up a bracelet.) EMILY: Here. LORELAI: Oh, now that's really good. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: Absolutely. EMILY: Doesn't look like something you could buy at a car wash? LORELAI: Totally. That's half the charm. EMILY: Oh, no, it's only $12. LORELAI: Six dollars more than a car wash. EMILY: Twelve dollars is not a present. LORELAI: Twelve dollars is a perfect present, Mom. She'll love that. EMILY: Can I at least get her the pashmina also? (Lorelai shakes her head no.) EMILY: Fine, I'll get it. LORELAI: Good choice. EMILY Oh! It lights up. (Cut to Luke's. Lorelai walks in with a garment bag. She looks around the diner and takes a seat at the counter.) LUKE: She's not here yet. LORELAI: All right. You'll have to entertain me until she arrives. OK, Burger Boy, dance. LUKE: Will you marry me? LORELAI: What? LUKE: Just looking for something to shut you up. LORELAI: You better be nice to me or I'm not inviting you to Rory Gilmore's birthday celebration this Saturday night. LUKE: You don't have to ask me, you know. LORELAI: I know. But I would like you to come. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: OK, I'll see. LORELAI: 7:00. Don't be late. (Rory walks in with her head down.) LORELAI: Wow. Nice face you got on there. RORY: Coffee. LORELAI: Bad day? RORY: I've now used the word 'sucks' so much that it's lost all meaning to me. LORELAI: Well maybe this will cheer you up. RORY: What? LORELAI: You'll see. (Lorelai unzips the garment bag and pulls out a dress.) RORY: What is that? LORELAI: These are our party dresses. RORY: So it's a Halloween party? LORELAI: Listen, you. So I'm shopping today with your grandmother and it's a whole three hours of "Who are you buying that for, Mom? Have you met Rory?" and then finally I talked and she listened and she wound up getting you something I think you're really going to like. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yes, really. And of course she insisted on buying us these dresses but I think I can do something with them to make them better. RORY: Wow. I've never seen you so cheery after spending time with Grandma. LORELAI: Well it's been a long time since we got together and didn't end up fighting. It was refreshing. It wasn't exactly fun but I didn't get that shooting pain in my eye like I usually do. RORY: Wow. That's great. LORELAI :Yeah. (Luke brings coffee to their table.) LUKE: So I hear you're having a party Saturday. RORY: Yeah. Mom's famous for her blowouts. LORELAI: The best one was her eighth birthday. RORY: Oh, yeah, that was good. LORELAI: The cops shut us down. LUKE: The cops shut down an eight year old's birthday party? RORY: And arrested the clown. LUKE: I don't want to hear any more of this. (Luke walks away.) LORELAI: So, now tell me, why Miss Lemonhead today? RORY: Nothing. I-I'm fine. I just got an A- on a French test that I should have gotten an A on. LORELAI: Oh, honey, an A- is awesome. RORY: Yeah, it's - it's fine. LOREAI: Let me see. Maybe we should really embrace the whole tulle thing. Go totally modern Cinderella. What do you think? It's your birthday. RORY: Yeah. Lucky me. (Cut to Lorelai tiptoeing into Rory's room. It's the middle of the night.) LORELAI: Happy birthday. little girl. (Rory wakes up and moves over. Lorelai gets into bed with her.) RORY: Hey. LORELAI: I can't believe how fast you're growing up. RORY: Really? Feels slow. LORELAI: Trust me, it's fast. What do you think of your life so far? RORY: I think it's pretty good. LORELAI: Any complaints? RORY: I'd like that whole humidity thing to go away. LORELAI: All right. I'll work on that. RORY: So do I look older? LORELA: Oh, yeah. You walk into Denny's before 5, you've got yourself a discount. RORY: Good deal. LORELAI: So you know what I think? RORY: What? LORELAI: I think you're a great, cool kid, and the best friend a girl could have. RORY: Right back at ya. LORELAI: And it's so hard to believe that at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position -- RORY: Oh, boy. Here we go. LORELAI: Only I had a huge, fat stomach and big fat ankles and I was swearing like a sailor -- RORY: On leave. LORELAI: On leave -- right! And there I was -- RORY: In labor. LORELAI: And while some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite. RORY: I wonder if the Waltons ever did this. LORELAI: And I was screaming and swearing and being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me. RORY: There wasn't. LORELAI: But pelting the nurses sure was fun. RORY: I love you, Mom. LORELAI: Shh. I'm getting to the part where he sees your head. So there I was... (Fade out.) (Cut to Rory and Lane entering Luke's.) LANE: You should not have to go to school today. RORY: Have to. Latin test. (Rory and Lane go to the counter.) LANE: Jeez. Every day you have a test. When do you have time to learn anything to be tested on? LUKE: Hey, wrong table. RORY: Since when is there a right table? LUKE: Since the coffee cake I baked for you and the stupid balloons I blew up are at that table, over there. RORY: You blew up balloons for me? LUKE: Yep. RORY: Oh, Luke, you old softie. LUKE: I count to three, it's gone. RORY: Thank you. (Lane and Rory move over to the decorated table.) LANE: Are you OK? RORY: Yeah, I'm just...I'm getting old, Lane. LANE: You seem a little quiet this morning. RORY: I'm just dreading this whole night. I mean, it's bad enough that I have to see these stupid kids from Chilton every day. But tonight? On my birthday? I've never even talked to most of them. I mean, I've only been going to this school for a couple months. God, they're gonna think I am the biggest freak and I need my grandma to get people to come to my party. LANE: Well what did Lorelai say when you told her? RORY: I didn't. LANE: Why not? RORY: Because of the pudding. LANE: Oh, the pudding. Right, I forgot about the pudding. RORY: My grandmother served us pudding the other night and then she went shopping with my mom and they didn't fight. I don't know, I mean, they never get along, and now suddenly they're getting along, and I knew that if I told Mom about the invites she'd wig out and call Grandma and that would be the end of the pudding. LANE: You know you can buy pudding. RORY: It's one night, right? LANE: Right. RORY: I can stand it for one night. (Dean walks into the diner. He looks over at Rory as he shuts the door then goes to the counter. DEAN: Coffee to go, please. (Dean looks at Rory while he's waiting for his coffee.) LUKE: Here you go. DEAN: Thanks. (Dean mouths "happy birthday" as he leaves. Rory smiles to herself.) LANE: Why are you smiling? RORY: I'm just thinking about pudding. (Cut to Emily directing the caterers.) EMILY: No, not there. In the living room. Why are you touching that? Why are you touching that? Well don't. I want those six inches apart! Get a ruler. (Richard comes in trying to fix his tie.) RICHARD: Emily! EMILY: Let me do that. RICHARD: I hope the Larsons are coming tonight. EMILY: Richard, no business. This is your granddaughter's party. RICHARD: Five minutes of shop talk isn't going to spoil the evening. EMILY: Five minutes, please. RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: If I ever heard you keep your shop talk down to five minutes, I'd drop dead. RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: In fact I could drop dead and you wouldn't stop talking business. You'd just step right over my body to get to the speakerphone. RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: What? RICHARD: You look very nice tonight. EMILY: Thank you. (Doorbell rings. Lorelai and Rory come in.) LORELAI: Jeez, Mom. Leave some servants for the rest of the neighborhood. EMILY: There she is -- the birthday girl. RORY: Hi Grandma. LORELAI: Wow, you really went all out, huh? EMILY Well I wanted everything to be perfect. What do you think? LORELAI: I think Edith Wharton would have been proud, and busy taking notes. (Lorelai hands a garment bag to Rory.) LORELAI: Here, babe, go change. RORY: OK. EMILY: Hurry! (Lorelai takes off her coat.) EMILY: What is that? LORELAI: Oh, that's my dress. EMILY: Where's the one I bought you? LORELAI: This is it. EMILY: I thought there was more of it. LORELAI: Gee, Mom, the place looks great. EMILY: Did you turn Rory's into a hat? LORELAI: Nice candles. Six inches apart? (Cut to the party.) RICHARD: You're drinking white wine tonight? No Scotch? LORELAI: (to a guest) Excuse me. I'm going to sit over there with my daughter. GUEST: OK. (Rory is sitting alone until Lorelai joins her and hands her a drink.) LORELAI: Here. RORY: What is it? LORELAI: Shirley Temple. RORY: What are you drinking? LORELAI: A Shirley Temple Black. (Lorelai lets Rory smell her drink.) RORY: Wow. LORELAI: I got your Good Ship Lollipop right here, mister. So do you want something to eat? RORY: Everything smells funny. EMILY: There you are. Come, there's some people I want you to meet. (Rory goes with Emily.) MITZI: Lorelai? LORELAI: Yeah. Oh my God! Oh, Mitzie, wow, I haven't seen you since -- MITZI: Your seventh month. LORELAI: I was going to say high school, but OK. MITZI: Oh, no, did I say something rude? LORELAI: No, no. MITZI: No, I did. I said something rude. I've been trying to work on that. LORELAI: Well, a noble goal. MITZI: Ever since my divorce, I've been really trying to work on myself. You know, I just -- I want to grow. LORELAI: Uh-huh. MITZI: Lorelai Gilmore, the scandal girl! Now, tell me, what ever happened with Christopher? LORELAI: Christopher is in California. MITZI: Oh, do you hear from him? LORELAI: Uh -- MITZI: I'm sorry, is this painful for you to talk about? LORELAI: Uh, well -- MITZI: When did he last call you? LORELAI: God, you're making progress with that rude thing, huh, Mitz? MITZI: I'm sorry. LORELAI: It's OK. He calls like once a week and we see him at Christmas, sometimes Easter. It's all very civil. MITZI: So are you married now? LORELAI: No, it's just me and Rory. MITZI: Your cat? LORELAI: My kid! She's right over there. MITZI: Oh. (turns to look) Wow! You can really see Christopher in her, can't you? LORELAI: Yes, you can. MITZI: Does that kill you? LORELAI: You know, what? I see...someone...else...and it's been great. (Cut to Richard standing with some business associates.) RICHARD: Oh, no, those aren't the terms we agreed on. LARS: They most certainly are. RICHARD: Lars, you were at the same meeting I was. We specifically spelled out a five year extention, not a three year one. LARS: I heard three. RORY: Hi Grandpa! RICHARD: Rory. Gentlemen, this is my granddaughter, Rory. LARS: Happy birthday, Rory. (The men all hand envelopes to Rory.) LARS: I think we should Dennis on the phone right now. RICHARD: Fine, I've got a phone in my office. (The men leave.) EMILY: Rory, there's a whole group of your school friends in the library. Let's go say hello to them. (Emily and Rory go into the library where kids from Chilton are standing around looking bored.) RORY: I have to go to the bathroom. EMILY: Just say hello first. Come on, I'll hold those for you. KID #3: Who's that? KID #4: I think it's her party. KID #3: Oh. (Rory looks around the room and turns to leave.) RORY: Paris? PARIS: My parents made me come. RORY: Oh God! PARIS: Otherwise I wouldn't be here. You believe me, don't you? (Rory walks away from Paris and sees Tristin coming in the front door. TRISTIN: Oh, coming to greet me? RORY: Hello, Tristin. TRISTIN: So where's my birthday kiss? RORY: It's my birthday. TRISTIN: So I'll give you a birthday kiss. RORY: What is wrong with you? TRISTIN: Ok, I gotta tell you something. I'm madly in love with you. RORY: Well, good luck with that. TRISTIN: I can't eat, I can't sleep...I wake up in the middle of the night calling your name. Rory, Rory! RORY: Would you shut up please? RICHARD: Rory, who's your friend? RORY: I don't know but this is Tristin. RICHARD: Excuse me? TRISTIN: Tristin Dugray, sir. RICHARD: Dugray? Are you any relation to Janlen Dugray? RICHARD: That's my grandfather, sir. RICHARD: Well I've done business with Janlen for years. He's a fine man. TRISTIN: That he is. RICHARD: Rory, you've got very good taste in friends. I approve. LARS: Richard, I've got Dennis on the phone and he heard the same thing I heard. RICHARD: Well, one wrong man can always find a friend. (Richard and Lars leave.) TRISTIN: He likes me. RORY: He's drunk. TRISTIN Let's take a walk. RORY: This is stuipd. you don't even like me! You just have this weird need to prove that I'll go out with you. That's not liking someone. TRISTIN: Why are you fighting this? You're gonna give in eventually. RORY: I'm going to go find my mother. TRISTIN: Wow, meeting your mom. It's a bit sudden, but OK. (Paris leans against a door and watches Tristin.) (Rory walks up to Lorelai and Emily.) EMILY: Oh there you are! I think it's time that you said a few words to your guests. RORY: What? EMILY: Just a little speech to say thank you and tell everyone how it feels to be one year older. LORELAI: Mom, I don't she wants-- EMILY: She's the hostess, Lorelai. This is her responsibility. RORY: I am not the hostess! You are! LORELAI: Hey, honey, hold on... RORY: This is your party and these are your guests and I don't have anything to say to them, so you give the speech. EMILY: Rory! RORY: Excuse me. LORELAI: What was that all about? EMILY: Lorelai, your daughter has no manners whatsoever. You should be ashamed of yourself. (Emily walks away.) LORELAI: OK, how did this become my fault? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Rory lying on the bed in Lorelai's old room.) LORELAI: Hey. Can I come in? RORY: It's your room. LORELAI: How are you doing? RORY: I'm sorry I snapped at Grandma. LORELAI: Yeah, hugh? That was a pretty 'Freaky Friday' moment we had back there. RORY: She just went ahead and invited all these kids from Chilton. LORELAI: You're kidding. I thought she checked on that with you. RORY: She didn't ask me or tell me. LORELAI: Oh, man, I'm so sorry. RORY: It just -- I don't know but it really made me mad. LORELAI: Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me? RORY: Because you were happy. I mean, it's not very often that there's peace between the two of you. I didn't want to screw everything up. LORELAI: Rory, I appreciate you wanting you wanting Mom and I to get along but you shouldn't keep stuff like that from me. RORY: I feel terrible. I mean, I've never yelled at her before. LORELAI: Listen, you'll apologize, all will be forgotten. You'll see. Man. It's like time has stood still in this room. RORY: It must be weird for you to be in this room now. LORELAI: Yeah, it was weird for me to be in this room then. (points to a dollhouse) You know, they gave this to me with the glass on. RORY: I now officially know what it feels like to have grown up here. LORELAI: It's not official until you're huddled in the corner eating your hair. RORY: Do you remember your last birthday here? LORELAI: Yeah. We had just had a fight and I was lying on the bed just like you are now. RORY: What did you fight about? LORELAI: Well, I was pregnant. RORY: Oh, that. LORELAI: And I said something at the table about the pate smelling like Clorox and one thing led to another and I wound up here. I hadn't told anybody yet about me. And you. RORY: That must have been really hard on you. LORELAI: Yeah. I remember when I finally told them, it was the only time they ever looked small to me. RORY: I guess I'd better go find Grandma. LORELAI: Mmm. Give her a minute. EMILY: There you are! LORELAI: She'll find us. EMILY You are both being very rude. This isn't my birthday party, you know. LORELAI: Sorry, Mom. EMILY: Honestly, the way the two of you act. RORY: Grandma, I just want to -- EMILY: We'll talk about this later. Now go. (Cut to Emily saying goodnight to the last of the guests.) EMILY: Thank you, good to see you. Lovely as always, Leeza. My best to Darren. LORELAI: Hey, Mom. Great party. One of your best. I even liked those brown mushroom things. RORY: Grandma, can I talk to you for a sec? EMILY: Richard, the girls are leaving. RICHARD: Well, Rory, I hope you had a good time. RORY: Yes, I did. RICHARD: Now, I know that your grandmother has already bought you a gift and signed my name to it. That was part of our agreement when we got married. However, I feel this occasion calls for something a little extra. (hands her a check) Put that towards your trip to Fez. RORY: Oh, Grandpa! RICHARD: You're a good girl, Rory. Happy birthday. RORY: I don't deserve this. LORELAI: Fine, hand it over. EMILY: You girls should get going. You've got quite a drive ahead of you. RORY: Grandma, we're having a party tomorrow at our house and -- I mean, it won't be anything like this but it will be fun and maybe you and Grandpa can come? EMILY: That's very sweet, dear, but I'm afraid we already have plans. RORY: Oh, Ok. EMILY: Have a safe trip. Lock the door behind you, OK? (Emily walks away.) LORELAI: Hey, um, why don't you go help that guy out there put all the presents in the car. RORY: OK. EMILY: (to catering staff) All this can go in the dishwasher. LORELAI: Mom, come to the party tomorrow. EMILY: I can't. I'm busy. (to catering staff) Throw those out, we won't need them. LORELAI: Mom, your granddaughter invited you to her birthday party. Please, come. EMILY: I've already been to a party for my granddaughter and she humilitated me in front of all of my friends. I have no desire to relive that experience. (to catering staff) The cheeses must be put in individual bags, please. LORELAI: Oh come on, give her a break. You invited all these Chilton kids without even asking her. EMILY: They're her schoolmates. I assumed they were her friends LORELAI: You know what they say when people assume things. EMILY No, what do they say? LORELAI: That -- you shouldn't. EMILY: Very clever. LORELAI: Mom, she didn't want them here. She doesn't like them. EMILY: Well I had to invite them. That's just good manners, something that your daughter is sorely lacking. LORELAI: God, you know, you're doing the same thing to her that you always did to me. You're trying to control her and when that doesn't work you just shut her out. EMILY: I'm too tired for your accusations right now. Can we do this tomorrow? LORELAI: I'm just -- EMILY: Here, I'll find you a pen so you can write down all your insults so that you won't forget them. LORELAI: Mom, this is not funny. I have a crushed kid out in the car. EMILY: What do you want me to say? Everything's fine, it's forgotten. There, I'll see you next week. LORELAI: So I guess the whole pudding thing was just a fluke, huh? Trying to get to know us, easing up on the rules, smuding that bottom line of yours. It was just some weird phase. What, you were on cold medicine last week or something? EMILY: Oh, so I'm a villan now, is that it? I spent a fortune on this party. I spent days planning it, making sure that every little detail was perfect -- the food, the linen, the music. And I did all this for Rory. LORELAI: Well that's not what she needs. She needs you to accept her apology and come to her party. That's what she needs. You don't care what she needs. EMILY: How dare you! LORELAI: You don't even know what she needs because you don't know her. You've never tried to know her just like you never knew me. EMILY: Oh I know you. LORELAI: Oh, please. You don't know anything about me. EMILY: Oh, you'd like to think that, wouldn't you? That you're just some huge mystery to me. 'Why does Lorelai do that?' 'I don't know, she's a mystery to me.' Well you're not so mysterious, Lorelai. LORELAI: No! No! What am I then? EMILY: Well right now you're very loud and disruptive to the entire cleaning process. (to catering staff) For God's sake! What do I have to do to get you to put the damn cheese in individual bags? LORELAI: Fine, I give up EMILY: Oh, you give up? If I had a dollar for every time you gave up -- LORELAI: Then you could pay for this party, couldn't you? (Cut to Lorelai's house. Sookie is unpacking groceries when Lorelai walks into the kitchen.) SOOKIE: I made coffee. LORELAI: Mmm. SOOKIE: Hangover? LORELAI: Emily. SOOKIE: Oh. Got it. Moving on... RORY: Good morning. SOOKIE: Morning, Popcorn. You want some pancakes? RORY: No, I've gotta get going. LORELAI: Where? RORY: The college fair is this morning. LORELAI: So you're going to get yet another Harvard brochure? RORY: I just want to see if they've changed the pictures. LORELAI: Weirdo. RORY: I'll be back in plenty of time to help you decorate. LORELAI: No, this is your party. You do not work. You lounge and mock those who are. Have I taught you nothing? RORY: Sorry. I'll try to be better. Bye. SOOKIE: OK, bye-bye. (Cut to the college fair. Rory stops at the Harvard table.) RORY: New brochure? HARVARD REP: Yes. PARIS: What are you doing here? RORY: There's a college fair going on. PARIS: No, I mean, what are you doing here? RORY: I'm getting a new brochure. PARIS: Why? RORY: Because they're not selling pizza. (pause) Oh no. PARIS: You can't. RORY: You're applying to Harvard? PARIS: Yes. RORY: No! PARIS: Ten generations of Gellers have gone to Harvard. I have to go to Harvard. RORY: I can't believe this. PARIS: You can go somewhere else. Go to Brandeis. Brandeis is nice. RORY: I've only ever wanted to go to Harvard. That's it. Nowhere else. (pause) It's a big school. PARIS: I guess. RORY: We'll probably never see each other. PARIS: You think? RORY: And if we do, we duck. PARIS: OK. So... (Paris starts to walk away then stops.) PARIS: Hey...Are you dating Tristin? RORY: What? No. No way. PARIS: Do you like him? RORY: Not even a little. PARIS: Really? RORY: Really. PARIS: OK. (Paris turns away thens stops again.) PARIS: Hey...Nice party. RORY: Thanks. (Cut to Rory's second party.The house is filled with loud music and the people of Stars Hollow.) MISS PATTY: Happy birthday Rory! LORELAI: Open it, open it, open it! (Rory is opening her presents. She gets an iBook from Lorelai.) RORY: No! LORELAI: You like it? You can take it back. RORY: No! I love it! It's perfect. LORELAI: It's blue and it has a handle. RORY: It's way too expensive. LORELAI: I know, that's what I told the guy at the store. (Sookie brings in a cake with Rory's face on it.) SOOKIE: OK! On three 'cause I'm gonna drop it. OK, One, two -- (Everyone sings "Happy Birthday.") LORELAI: Make a wish. (Rory blows out the candles.) LORELAI: All right, everybody, I need your attention, your attention please. This is a very serious moment. Two priests, a rabbi and a duck -- RORY: Mom. LORELAI: All right, I'm kidding. Um, I would like to propose a toast to the one thing in my life that is always good, always sweet, and without whom I would have no reason to get up in the morning. My pal Rory. Cheers. BABETTE: Happy birthday. LORELAI: And in honor of this very special girl I now invite you all to help me eat her face. (Doorbell rings. Sookie hands Rory a knife.) SOOKIE: And you may have the first cut. RORY: There's something very strange about hacking into my own head. (Doorbell rings again.) LORELAI: Jeez, who the hell's ringing the bell? It's a party! Get your ass in here! (Emily and Richard walk in the door.) LORELAI: Or asses I guess. RORY: Grandma! Grandpa! I can't believe you're here. I'm so glad you came. Hey, no tie? RICHARD: I thought I'd mix it up a little. RORY: Grandma, look. (Rory shows Emily that she's wearing the bracelet.) EMILY: Why, it looks lovely. RORY: I want you to meet everyone. Everyone, these are my grandparents. EVERYONE: Hi. RICHARD: Hello. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Emily, Dad. RICHARD: Lorelai, you look well. MISS PATTY: I'm Patricia LaCosta. We just love your daughter and granddaughter. EMILY: Thank you. MISS PATTY: My God, you're a tall speciman of a man. Must be all that good air in Hartford. LORELAI: Mom, Dad, can I get you a drink? EMILY: No, thank you. LORELAI: Oh, no, Mom, you're going to need one and I have wine glasses that say "Holiday Inn" on them. EMILY: Stoli on the rocks with a twist. LORELAI: Right. (Lorelai goes into the kitchen.) LORELAI: Um, OK, uh, my parents are here. SOOKIE: No! LORELAI: Yeah. I've cursed in front of them twice and Miss Patty already tried to hit on my dad, and I'm sure my mom is going to call Child Protective Services SOOKIE: God, when was the last time they were here? LORELAI: Never. SOOKIE: Not once? LORELAI: Not since we moved here. I mean, they'd come down and visit is occasionally when Rory was a baby and we lived at the inn, but they have never been here. SOOKIE: Wow. That's big stuff. Is Rory thrilled? LORELAI: Through the roof. SOOKIE: Oh, that's great. EMILY: Lorelai, I just tried some of thse hors d'ouevres. They're unbelievable. Who is your caterer? LORELAI: Sookie. EMILY: What's a Sookie? LORELAI: That's a Sookie. SOOKIE: Hi. Sookie St. James. LORELAI: Sookie's the chef at the inn, Mom. EMILY: My dear, you are very talented. SOOKIE: Thank you. EMILY: Well, you must cater my next party. When my friends get wind of you you're going to have so much business you won't know what to do with yourself. But remember -- I discovered you. LORELAI: Mom, Sookie has a job. She's the chef at the inn. The inn where we work -- my inn. Six days a week, Mom. (to Sookie) Just give her your number or we'll never get out of here. SOOKIE: OK. (Cut to Richard looking up the fireplace.) LORELAI: So, how does it look? RICHARD: Well, it doesn't look structurally sound. LORELAI: Drink up, Dad. (Richard walks away and Sookie runs into the living room.) SOOKIE: OK, don't panic. LORELAI: Good opening line. What's wrong? SOOKIE: We're out of ice. LORELAI: How could we be out of ice? We had a ton of ice. It was like a penguin habitat in there. SOOKIE: I don't know how it happened, I just know it happened and somehow we have to deal with it. LORELAI: I will go and get some then. (Lorelai starts out the door. Luke comes in carrying ice.) LORELAI: Oh! Oh my God! You're a vision! Sookie, we have ice! SOOKIE: Hallelujah. LORELAI: How did you know? LUKE: Well, a good rule of thumb is you can never have too much ice. LORELAI: Oh, you're the best. (Lorelai hugs Luke just as Emily comes out of the kitchen.) LORELAI: That's -- Oh, hi, Mom. This is my friend Luke LUKE: How are you doing? EMILY: Fine, thank you. LUKE: Well I'd better get these in the freezer before they melts. LORELAI: Well, not very likely in here. (Rory finds Richard on the porch.) RORY: Grandpa? RICHARD: Rory, what a lovely party. RORY: I brought you something to read. RICHARD: Oh. RORY: It's not the Wall Street Journal, but there's a quiz in there that determines whether you're a summer or a fall. RICHARD: Well I appreciate this, thank you. (Back inside, everyone is in the living room.) BABETTE: Oh, Morey, you remember the time that Rory decided that our old tree stump was a fairy ring? MOREY: I sure do. BABETTE: How old was she then, sugar? LORELAI: I think she was about 10. RORY: Hey, all I know is that it matched the description . BABETTE: Oh, God, she was cute. She used to sit out there with a peanut butter sandwich just waiting for the fairy to get hungry. RORY: OK, new story. MISS PATTY: I'm still crushed beyond belief that she quit her ballet lessons. LORELAI: Oh, not me. Miss Perfect Work Ethic would prance around this room 24 hours a day. RORY: And I still stunk. LANE: I can vouch for that. MISS PATTY: That's not true! MOREY: She was pretty bad. MISS PATTY: No, don't you listen to them. You had a true gift. (Everyone laughs. MISS PATTY: What? She did. She was talented. (Everyone laughs. Emily gets up and goes up to Lorelai's bedroom. Lorelai follows her. Emily picks up a quilt.) LORELAI: I made that. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: From Rory's old baby clothes EMILY: How nice. Hope you washed them first. LORELAI: Oh, rats. I knew I forgot something. EMILY: That's quite an assortment of characters you've assembled down there. LORELAI: They're great people. EMILY: This Patricia -- LORELAI: Miss Patty. EMILY: She teaches dance? LORELAI: Among other things. EMILY: And this man with the ice. LORELAI: Luke. EMILY: How long have you been seeing him? LORELAI: Luke? I'm not seeing Luke. He's just a friend. EMILY: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: Mom, I swear. Luke keeps me in coffee, nothing else. EMILY: He seems to like you. LORELAI: And you're judging this by what? EMILY: By they way he looked at you. LORELAI: Which is how? EMILY: Like you were about to give him a lap dance. LORELAI: Mom, he did not look at me like that. EMILY: You're pleased. LORELAI: What? EMILY: You smiled. You're pleased that the ice man looked at you like a Porterhouse steak. LORELAI: I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm. (Emily picks up a picture of Lorelai on crutches.) EMILY: What's this? LORELAI: Well, that's me, Mom. EMILY: I know that's you. You're wearing a cast. LORELAI: Yeah, that's when I broke my leg. EMILY: You broke your leg? LORELAI: Yeah, three years ago during a yoga class. The headstand portion took a very ugly turn. The good thing was I brought the smug, blonde, pretzel chick down with me. I've since learned that I'm a bit too comptetitive for yoga. EMILY: I never knew that you broke your leg. LORELAI: It was no big deal, Mom. If I'd been really sick you would have known. EMILY: Yeah, well...You know, could get a maid in here once a week to at least tidy the place up. LORELAI: I like it cluttered. EMILY: You can't even find the bed. LORELAI: Yes I can. It's the thing that I crash into on the way to the closet. EMILY: I should go check on your father. LORELAI: It was nice that you came tonight, Mom. It meant a lot. To Rory. Really. EMILY: Well, she is my granddaughter, after all. I should be here. LORELAI: I totally agree. (Emily starts to fold up the quilt.) LORELAI: Leave it. (Emily walks onto the porch. Richard is reading Rory's magazine.) EMILY: It's time to go now. RICHARD: In a minute, please. EMILY: Rory, we're going to get going now. RORY: Thank you for coming. EMILY: Thanks for asking me. RICHARD: Ah, lovely party. I enjoyed the reading material immensely. RORY: So what's the verdict? RICHARD: I am an autumn. RORY: Interesting. RICHARD: Isn't it? LORELAI: Hey, so you guys leaving? The mud wrestling starts in ten minutes. EMILY: Good night, Lorelai. We had a lovely time. LORELAI: And with a straight face you said that. RICHARD: I'd have that chimney inspected if I were you. LORELAI: I'll get right on that, Dad. (Richard hands Rory a check.) RICHARD: For Fez. RORY: But Grandpa, you already took care of that. RICHARD: Fez is a very large city. (Rory and Lorelai watch Emily and Richard walk to their car.) RORY: So... LORELAI: Food fight? RORY: Absolutely. (They run back inside.) (Emily is silent in the car.) RICHARD: Emily? EMILY: She's right. I don't know my daughter at all. We should go. Traffic. (Cut to the kitchen. Lorelai and Sookie are cleaning up.) LORELAI: Next year, we are going to a McDonald's with one of those slides and that's it. SOOKIE: The party was a hit. LORELAI: And we'll be eating onion dip for breakfast for a week. SOOKIE: You know, you mix that dip with some groud turkey and some garlic and it's really not too bad. LORELAI: Hey, I'm not looking for a recipe. SOOKIE: Ooh, reflex, sorry. OK, I'm gonna go check the living room. LORELAI: OK. (Standing at the sink, Lorelai looks up and sees Rory in the yard with Dean.) RORY: You didn't have to get me anything. DEAN: Sorry, that's the rules. You get older, you get a gift. RORY: I'm sorry about this sort of sneaky thing. I just haven't told my mother yet about you. I mean, not that there's to tell. I just -- DEAN: That's OK. This is better. (Rory unwraps the gift.) RORY: Oh my God. It's beautiful. DEAN: Well, I bought the medallion and I just cut some leather straps and drilled a hole, and well, you like it? RORY: I -- it's amazing. DEAN: Good. RORY: Thank you. DEAN: Here. (Dean ties it around Rory's wrist. They smile at each other. Lorelai is still watching from the window.)

Plan: A: no recollection; Q: What does Lorelai have of a distant family member? A: a Chilton bake sale; Q: What event do Max and Lorelai admit their feelings for one another? A: Max; Q: Who does Lorelai have her first date with? A: Rory's teacher; Q: Who does Lorelai worry about dating? A: Cinnamon; Q: What is the name of the neighbors' cat? A: Cinnamon's titular wake; Q: What do Lorelai and Rory attend? A: Babette; Q: Who does Lorelai talk to about parenting and relationships? A: Rory and Dean's budding romance; Q: What takes a step forward? Summary: A distant family member dies but Lorelai has no recollection of the relative. At a Chilton bake sale , Max and Lorelai admit their feelings for one another. Lorelai, however, worries dating Rory's teacher might be inappropriate. Cinnamon, the neighbors' elderly cat, dies. Lorelai and Rory attend Cinnamon's titular wake, causing Lorelai to forget about her first date with Max. She and Babette talk about the difficulties of parenting and relationships. Rory and Dean's budding romance takes a step forward.

In the forest There's man hunt in the forest. Alator is chased by Morgana and hers soldiers. The sorceress uses her magic to capture him. Morgana: I was hoping for more of a challenge. There was a time when the name Alator struck fear even into the most courageous. Your skills of torture were unparalleled, did you know that? Alator: That was nothing to be proud of. Morgana: What was it you used to say? The victim always talks... eventually. Alator: What do you want from me? Morgana: I thought that was obvious. I want you to tell me where Emrys is. Alator: I told you before, never. Morgana: I was rather hoping you'd say that. [OPENING CREDITS] In the woods near Camelot Arthur, Gwen and Merlin are having a picnic. Arthur: This really is the most perfect spot is it not? Gwen: It is my lord. Arthur: Sometimes I forget how beautiful Camelot is, but never how beautiful my queen is. Was that you Merlin? Merlin snorts. Merlin: It was the horse. Arthur: Because if you were mocking the king... Merlin: I wasn't. I wouldn't. Arthur: There is a special punishment preserved for such impudence. You're too easy Merlin. Every time. How about here, Guinevere? Gwen: Yes, that looks perfect. Arthur: Than here it shall be. Merlin and Gwen are looking for a place for the picnic. Gwen: Here? Merlin: I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. Gwen: Yes, he has changed hasn't he? Merlin: Yeah, yeah I think he has. Arthur is still unloading things for the picnic, he finds an empty flask and throws it on Merlin's head. Arthur: Sorry! pick that up will you, Merlin? Merlin: Well perhaps he hasn't totally changed. Arthur: And this one too are you ready? Arthur throws another empty flask at Merlin who fails to catch it. Merlin: Sire. Arthur: I think my dog can catch better than you. Merlin: Possibly because you treat him better. Merlin leans to fetch the flask and he notices something on a tree. Arthur: Are you blind, Merlin? Merlin: Something happened here. Arthur: Stags marking their territory. Merlin: No, this was caused by magic. Arthur: Merlin, who knows more about hunting me or you? It's rutting season, half the trees in the forest look like that. Come on. Your king awaits. Merlin picks up a medallion he sees on the ground and puts it in his bag. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot yard Merlin, Arthur and Guinevere are coming back from the picnic, they discover refugees in the yard. Arthur: What happened? Leon: They sought sanctuary at the western garrison. Arthur: Ashwick's been at peace since my father's time. Leon: They're not from Ashwick. They fled over the border from Odin's lands. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Hall A council meeting is assembled. Leon: Two days ago the city of Helva was attacked. Only a handful of people managed to escape. Arthur: Who is responsible? Leon: At first we assumed it was the Saxons. They've been active in that area before, but the refugees tell a different story. They say magic was involved. Arthur: Morgana. Leon: The evidence suggests so, sire. Arthur: Strengthen the garrison. Double the patrol on the border. Leon: Sire The knights leave the hall. Merlin: Who would Morgana attack Helva? Arthur: She must have her reasons. Merlin: That's one of the few places where magic is practiced freely. Why would she attack her own? It makes no sense. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius' Chambers Gaius is studying the medallion Merlin found in the woods. Gaius: The workmanship is undeniable. See how the pattern repeats in each concentric circle? It was made in Helva. Merlin: Anything else? A name? A date? Gaius: Not that I can see. It's a fine piece. No one would part with it willingly. Perhaps one of the refugees dropped it. Merlin: Perhaps. Gaius: Merlin, what are you up to? Merlin: I'm going back to where I found it. Gaius: I doubt the owner will still be there. Merlin: Something terrible happened there, Gaius. Something only the strongest magic could do. I could feel it. Gaius: You're not suggesting that Morgana's within the Camelot's borders? Merlin: Who else could it be? Gaius: Don't go Merlin, not on your own. Merlin: I'll be fine. Gaius: Take someone with you, at least. If it is Morgana... Merlin: Then it won't make any difference who I take, will it? [SCENE_BREAK] In the woods Merlin rides to the spot he found the medallion. Followinfg a trail, he finally discovers a broken carriage and finds some torn papers and mysterious signs carved on the carriage. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius' Chambers Gaius is examining the documents. Gaius: You shouldn't have gone. It might have been a trap. Merlin: Can you decipher it? Gaius: It's in Catha, that's for sure. Merlin: What does it say? Gaius: It's been so long since I heard the language, never mind read it. There's part of a signature here Merlin: What is it? Gaius: Alator. That's why Morgana attacked Helva. Alator was the prize she was after. Merlin: Why risk so much for one man? Gaius: There can only be one reason. To have him reveal who Emrys is. Merlin: Alator would never betray me. Gaius: Not willingly. But Morgana will use every power she has to break him and even Cathas cannot resist forever. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's Den Morgana's soldier is torturing Alator. Morgana: Enough. Hello again Alator. Alator: You are wasting your time Morgana. I will not tell you who Emrys is. Morgana: We both now that's not true. Otherwise, why would I have spared your life? Alator: I am a Catha. Trained from birth to master all physical pain. To rise above the... Morgana: Yes, yes... you can resist any physical torture. Separate your mind from your body. It's all very impressive Alator. But you see it's not your body I'm interested in. Not even you can separate your mind from your mind. Do you recognise this? She opens a case, there's a sort of snake hissing in it. Morgana: I see that you do. Alator: A nathair. Morgana: That's right, Alator. A nathair. It can cause the most exquisite pain, not in the body of the victim, but in his very soul. So I ask you again, where is Emrys? [SCENE_BREAK] Royal Chambers Merlin walks into the royal chambers and starts opening the curtains of the bed. Arthur: Shh! Merlin: What are you doing? Arthur: I'm gonna surprise her. Breakfast in bed. Merlin: Oh... what a lovely thought! Arthur: Where are you going? Merlin: You don't need me do you? Arthur: I can't very well get the breakfast, can I? What if she wakes up and... panics? Merlin: Panics? Arthur: Look, just, go and get it alright? Merlin, flowers don't forget the flowers. Merlin: Of course, the personal touch. Nice. Arthur: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Outskirts of the castle Merlin is picking flowers in the meadow, there 's a woman watching his, she's got a sword in her hand She shows up in front of Merlin. Finna: Be still. She shows Merlin a mark on her arm. Finna: The great battle is nearing. You must listen to me. Emrys. Merlin: How do you know my name? Finna: Arthur's enemies are closer than you think. If you value your king, meet me tonight at the old temple of Erui. Come alone, or not at all. As a patrol from Camelot is approaching, the woman disappears. [SCENE_BREAK] Royal Chambers Merlin brings the Queen's breakfast on a tray. Arthur: Merlin! Merlin: What? Arthur: Where are the flowers? Guinevere starts to wake up. Gwen: Arthur. Arthur: Good morning. Gwen: That is so sweet. Arthur: It's nothing. Who's there? Merlin! What do you think you're doing in the royal chambers? Merlin: I thought... I thought I heard voices. Arthur: Well, maybe next time you'll be good enough to knock. Merlin: Yes, sire. Gwen: Merlin, thank you. Arthur: It was my idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius' Chambers Merlin is drawing a picture of Finna's tattoo. Gaius: If it is what I think it is, this is the mark of the Bendrui. Merlin: Bendrui? Gaius: Before the time of the Great Purge, girls would be chosen at birth for the priesthood. They would be taken away from their families and brought up as initiates in the Old Religion. Merlin: I thought Morgana was the only high priestess left. Gaius: Many tried, few succeeded. For ordinary gifts were not enough. Only those possessed with exceptional magical power could ever hope to be one of the nine. But do not underestimate this woman's abilities. All Bendrui are practised in potent magic. Merlin: She said Arthur's enemies were closer than I thought. Now, who else could she mean, but Mordred? Gaius: If she meant Mordred, why not say so? Merlin: We were interrupted. Gaius: She's drawing you in, Merlin. It's a trap. She knew your real name. There's only one explanation for that. Alator told Morgana who you really are and she has sent this woman to lure you to her. Merlin: But I looked into her eyes. She meant no harm. Gaius: You think a sorceress of her power couldn't feign any look she wished? Merlin: I was there Gaius. You were not. Gaius: You mustn't go to her Merlin. Merlin: If she can help me protect Arthur, I have to. Do I have a choice? Gaius: Don't you understand? If something happened to you we would all be lost. Merlin: If she can truly help me protect Arthur from Mordred, and I refuse to go, would all not be lost then too? Gaius: Merlin... It was I who told Alator of your true identity. Merlin: You had no choice. Gaius: But I cannot let that destroy you. If ever you held me in any regard, please, do not do this. Merlin: You know I'd never do anything to hurt you, Gaius. Gaius: Thank you. Merlin walks out of the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Temple of Erui Finna is casting a spell on a raven. Finna : *** Cuem mec, hraefn wan; bebuge me. Nim bod min thissere nihte thinum drhytne.Gedo hit his agenum handum Morgana Pendragon The raven lefts carrying a message. [SCENE_BREAK] Royal Chambers Gaius knocks on Arthur's door. Arthur: Yes? Gaius. Gaius: Sire. Arthur: Is something wrong? Gaius: I fear so. Arthur: Go on, Gaius, you obviously have something to tell me. There can be no secrets between us. Gaius: There is a special bond between a doctor and his patient. One might almost say a bond of sacred confidentiality. Arthur: I believe so. Gaius: And yet, is there not also a loyal bond between a subject and his king. Arthur: There can be no greater duty. Gaius: A patient has advised me that within the walls of Camelot, there is a follower of the Old Religion. It is my belief that this woman poses a threat, not only to the kingdom, but to you yourself. Arthur: I see. Does she have a name? Gaius: All that I know is, she practises her craft at night, in the Darkling Woods near the ruined temple of Erui. Arthur: You did the right thing Gaius. Thank you. Gaius leaves Arthur's chambers. [SCENE_BREAK] Armoury Gwaine is being teased by the other knights. Gwaine: It's not funny. Percival: It's not funny at all. Gwaine: Nobody's laughing. It's just child play. Mordred: You're right, it's stupid. Here. Athur comes in. Arthur: Gentlemen. Percival: Um, we were just... Arthur: No matter. Mordred, I have a task for you. Mordred: Sire? Merlin watches as Arthur speaks to Mordred. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius' Chambers Gaius gives Merlin his supper. Gaius: Your favourite. Do you not want it? Merlin: No, of course I do, thank you Gaius. Gaius: You're not still thinking about that woman in the forest, are you? It's for the best Merlin. Really, it is. Later, during the night, Merlin sneaks out his room [SCENE_BREAK] Temple of Erui Finna is in the ruins, waiting for Emrys, she bents when she kneels in front of him. Finna: Great One! Merlin: Please, that's not necessary. Finna: It is an honour to meet you, Emrys. Merlin: How did you know my name? Finna: From my master, Alator of the Catha. He sends you greetings, but also a warning. The great battle nears, the fate of Camelot rests in the balance. Only you, great Emrys, can ensure the great triumph of the Once and Future King. Merlin: How do I do that? They hear the knights coming. Finna: Quickly! Mordred: Seize them! Merlin: Go! Finna: I cannot leave you! Merlin: I'll find you, you have my word. Go! Merlin makes fire appear and runs off. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's Den In Morgana's castle, Alator is thrown into his cell and a raven appears to him from Finna. He reads the message: "Do not fear Alator. I have found Emrys. Our sacred mission continues. Your faithful servant, Finna. " [SCENE_BREAK] Council Hall Arthur is talking to the patrol led by Mordred to track Finna. Arthur: You saw her, but you lost her? Mordred: She used magic, sire. Arthur: Even so, there are how many of you? Six? Against one old woman. Leon: There were two of them sire. Arthur: Oh, well... that explains it! Mordred, who was the other? Mordred: We couldn't see. But they were in earnest conversation, sire, that much we could tell. Arthur: Send out a second patrol. Seal off the ford of Greinton and alert the border garrisons. They must be found and brought to trial. Mordred: Sire. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius' Chambers Merlin is packing his bag. Gaius: I told Arthur because I was worried about you, Merlin. Merlin: She was working for Alator not Morgana. Gaius: How was I to know that? Merlin: Because I told you. Gaius: I'm sorry Merlin I thought it was for the best. Merlin: Now, because of me, her life is in danger. Gaius: No, not you, me. I acted like a foolish old man. Merlin: No, never that. But I have to go now. I must find out why she risked her life for me. Gaius: Take care Merlin. Merlin leaves [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's Den Alator is being tortured by Morgana's men. Alator: You continue to waste your time, Morgana. I'm a Catha priest. Morgana: You think that will protect you? Alator: No matter what you do. You cannot break me. Morgana: So it would seem. In which case I have no further use for you. Alator: You think I fear death? Morgana: Shall I let you into a secret, Alator? I'm no longer interested in what you think or what you fear. Alator: I shall pass to the other world happy in the knowledge that you will never find Emrys. He is your destiny, Morgana, and he is your doom. Morgana slaps him. Beroun: Mistress! Morgana: What now? Beroun: We found a letter in his cell. Morgana: Show me. "Do not fear Alator. I have found Emrys? Our sacred mission continues. Your faithful servant, Finna." You poor fool Alator. Undone by a few scribbled words. Find this Finna. Bring her to me. Alive. I will break her Alator. Break her like a twig. How does it feel to know all your resistance is for nothing? Enjoy your other world. Morgana kills him. [SCENE_BREAK] In the woods Finna is walking in the woods and magically marks a tree. She hides from some knights she sees. Merlin goes back to the temple and follows the magical marks Finna left. He tries to hide from the knights, but Percival finds him. Leon: Herbs? You were looking for herbs? Merlin: Gaius is very particular. They have to be fresh, or their power's diminished. Percival: It's hardly the time or place to be gathering herbs. Merlin: You were grateful enough for them when Gaius cured your palsy. Percival: It wasn't palsy. Merlin: I was being polite. Leon: There's a dangerous sorceress at large, Merlin, not to mention Saxons. This is not the place to be alone. Merlin: I'll be fine. I'll just, uh, collect the rest of my herbs and be on my way. Leon: No. Merlin: Right... I'll head back. Mordred: We can't allow that either. Gwaine: Stay with us Merlin until the sorcerer's apprehended. Merlin: Well, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Another place in the forest Morgana is tracking Finna. Morgana: What news? Beroun: The hounds have picked up a woman's trail. Morgana: How far? Beroun: Less than a mile. [SCENE_BREAK] In the forest Percival is also following the woman's trail. Percival: We've lost her. Gwaine: Shall we split up? Then we must track back. Leon: It's nearly dark. We'll be sitting targets for the Saxons. We'll start again at first light. At night, Merlin tries to sneak out, but Mordred catches him. Mordred: Good morning. Though, technically I think it's still night. Merlin: I was just going for... Mordred: Relieving yourself? Merlin: Yeah. Mordred: You always put your boots on to do that, do you? Merlin: I don't like splinters. Mordred: You weren't collecting herbs either, were you? You don't have to explain yourself to me, Merlin. If you're willing to risk your life it must be important. Merlin: It is. Mordred: A problem shared... I understand. I'll tell them I escorted you back to the bridge. Merlin: Thank you. Mordred: Merlin... Be careful. Merlin follows Finna's marks. While Morgana is still leading the man hunt. Beroun: We've lost the trail. She could've gone anywhere. Fan out! Morgana: Wait! Morgana has noticed one of Finna's marks. Morgana: *** Neosie thu tha swathu. The spells reveals Finna's path in the forest. Morgana: This way. Meanwhile, Merlin finds Finna. Merlin: Finna! Finna: Oh... Master! Merlin: Please, don't. Finna: I thought I'd lost you. Merlin: You doubted me? Finna: Never! Morgana's men run to them from out of the bushes. Merlin and Finna fight them off, but one strikes Merlin with an arrow. Merlin falls to the ground. Finna: Lie back. They won't be alone. Morgana must not find you. Merlin: Where can we go? Finna: There's an old watch tower on the other side of the valley. Finna helps Merlin to stand up, he's obviously suffering a lot. Finna: Can you walk? Merlin: Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Finna: It's not far. It's safe. You ready? Merlin: Yeah. While Merlin and Finna are getting close to the watchtower, Morgana finds her men dead at Finna's camp. Beroun: There are no wounds. Morgana: There wouldn't be. Morgana sees Merlin's blood on the ground. Morgana: She's been hit, bring your men. [SCENE_BREAK] At the watchower Finna is helping Merlin to climb the steps in the watchtower. Merlin: How do you know this tower? Finna: When you've spent a lifetime running, you know all the places to hide. Merlin: Running from... Arthur? Finna: And from his father before him. Merlin groans in pain. Merlin: It won't always be like this. Things will be better. Finna: That's why I was sent. To help you make it so. They hear dogs barking in the distance. Finna helps Merlin to a room and bolts the door. Merlin: Why are you doing this for me? Finna: Without you, Emrys, Arthur cannot build the new world we all long for. Merlin: I don't understand. Finna: For hundreds of years the Catha have guarded their ancient knowledge. But now the time has come to pass it on to you, Emrys. For only you can carry their hopes into the great battle itself. Merlin: How can I do that? Finna gives Merlin a small wooden box. Finna: Here. Guard it carefully. It will help you in the dark days to come. Merlin: Thank you. Morgana and her men approach the watchtower. Morgana: I want her taken alive. Do you understand? Alive! Finna: There's something else. Something Alator himself wanted me to tell you. Do not make the same mistake as Arthur. Do not trust the Druid boy. Crashing outside the room Merlin and Finna are hiding in. Finna helps Merlin up more steps to the room at the top of the tower. Finna: You must go on. Merlin: There is nowhere else to go. Finna: There is a roof. You will be safe there. Merlin: How? Finna: They think I am alone. Once they have me they will go. Merlin: I won't leave you Finna. We'll fight them together. Finna: No. If Morgana sees us together she will know who you are. That must never happen. Merlin: Finna please... Finna: It is my destiny, Emrys to serve you until the end. I could wish for nothing more. Grant me one favour. Merlin: Anything. Finna: Leave me your sword. Merlin passes his sword to Finna. He squeezes her shoulder then turns to the steps that lead to the roof. Finna: It has been a privilege to know you, Emrys. Merlin turns to Finna and nods then continues to the roof. Morgana and her men are searching for Finna. Merlin crawls out onto the roof. Morgana: Finna, at last. I'm impressed. At your age, it's very spirited. Finna: Stay away! Morgana: But with age comes wisdom. I's over. Tell me who Emrys is. Finna: She laughs. Never. Finna stabs herself with Merlin's sword and dies. Merlin collapses on the roof. Morgana's men search Finna's belongings. Morgana: Burn the body. Get the horses! Merlin hears hooves thud as they leave. Merlin: ***O drakon.... E male so ftengometta tesd' hup' anankes'. Kilgharrah flies across the night sky in front of a full moon. He picks Merlin up and carries him away. It's day light when Merlin opens his eyes lying on the ground. His wound has been healed. Merlin: Thank you. Kilgharrah: It is my pleasure. Merlin: For a second there, I thought you weren't coming. Kilgharrah: I would never forsake you, young warlock. Merlin: Are you alright? Kilgharrah: Of course. Merlin: Your wing... Kilgharrah: I am tired, Emrys, that is all. But I shall serve you as long as I have the strength. Merlin: If you are ill, I can heal you. Kilgharrah: There are some things even a warlock as great as you cannot overcome. I am old, Emrys. My time has almost come. Merlin: No. Kilgharrah: It is the cycle of life. No more, no less. Merlin: What will I do without you? Kilgharrah: You will remember me. Merlin: Will I see you again? Kilgharrah turns and flies away. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius' Chambers Merlin and Gaius look at the box Finna gave Merlin. Gaius opens it and removes a sealed parchment. Merlin: What does it say? Gaius: Just a moment. Gaius reads from the parchment that is written in Catha. Gaius: "Let loose the hounds of war. Let the dreadfire of the last priestess rain down from angry skies. For brother will slaughter brother. For friend will murder friend, as the great horn sounds a cold dawn at Camlann. The prophets do not lie. There Arthur will meet his end, upon that mighty plain." Merlin sighs. Merlin: So many have... suffered so that I may hear this. Gaius: Yes. I think I know what's going through your mind, Merlin. That your destiny is too much for one man to bear. Merlin: Yes. You always did know me best, Gaius. Gaius: Be assured of one thing. There was never anyone more capable than you, Merlin. You will not fail. Alarm bells ring out. Gwaine, Percival, Mordred and another knight enter Gaius's chambers carrying a knight on a stretcher, Percival follows them into the room. Gwaine: We got here as fast as we could. Gaius: You did well. Where did this happen? Percival: We found him just inside the border. Gaius: Merlin, fetch me my glass please. Percival: Do you know what it is? Gaius: I fear so. The skin has grown across his face until he suffocated. Arthur enters the room and looks at the disfigured knight. Arthur: Gaius? Gaius: The disfigurement is not as a result of disease or infection. It's the result of powerful magic. In the old days it was a punishment known as raigaid, the ultimate warning from the high priestess to her enemies. Arthur: Why was this knight chosen? What had he done? Gaius: He had done nothing, except be a knight of Camelot. It is a warning sire. A warning to the whole kingdom. Morgana has declared war.

Plan: A: Emrys' identity; Q: What is Morgana determined to discover? A: the woods; Q: Where does Merlin meet Finna? A: Finna; Q: What is the name of the woman who is a follower of Alator? A: Camelot; Q: Where does Morgana declare war on? A: a note; Q: What does Morgana find from Finna? A: Arthur's destiny; Q: What does Finna deliver to Merlin? A: Merlin's sword; Q: What does Finna take from Merlin? A: confronts Finna; Q: Who does Morgana confront? A: Emrys' true identity; Q: What does Morgana want to know? Summary: Morgana is determined to discover Emrys' identity. She captures Alator, who possesses this knowledge, but he refuses to reveal it. Meanwhile, a mysterious woman tells Merlin to meet her in the woods. Merlin goes, and finds she is a follower of Alator, named Finna. They are attacked by knights from Camelot, and Finna flees. Morgana finds a note sent from Finna to Alator and begins searching for her. Merlin reaches her first and they talk, before being attacked by Morgana's men. Merlin is wounded, but they manage to escape and Finna delivers Arthur's destiny to Merlin. She takes Merlin's sword and tells him to flee. Morgana arrives and confronts Finna, asking for Emrys' identity, but Finna commits suicide with Merlin's sword. It is Morgana's fury of failing to find out Emrys' true identity which leads her to declare war on Camelot.

THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. RIVERSIDE IAN: ...Dive in the water. DOCTOR: Hmm. (Behind them, a familiar dome shape starts to appear from the water. An eye-stalk on the dome swings round as more of the object appears. A sucker arm rises out of the water as the creature moves nearer the waters edge.) IAN: Now! (They turn to the water but stop in their tracks as they see...a DALEK gliding out from the waters of the river Thames. The DOCTOR and IAN stare in shocked silence at this unexpected turn of events. The DALEK glances at them as it approaches, the addresses the ROBOMEN.) DALEK: Why have the human beings been allowed to get so near the river? IAN: Doctor, that voice! ROBOMAN: No explanation. DALEK: Where is the robo-patrol for this section? ROBOMAN: Not known. DALEK: You will take his place until he is found. The human beings are to be taken to landing area one. (Two of the ROBOMEN walk forward and stand behind the DOCTOR and IAN.) IAN: Daleks on Earth! Doctor, how did this happen? DOCTOR: Leave this to me, dear boy. (To the DALEK.) I think you'd better let us go. DALEK: We do not release prisoners. We are the masters of the Earth. DOCTOR: Not for long. DALEK: Obey us or die! DOCTOR: Die? And just who are you to condemn us to death? Hmm? (To IAN.) I think we'd better pit our wits against them and defeat them! DALEK: Stop! I can hear you. I have heard many similar words...from leaders of your different races. All of them were destroyed. I warn you: resistance is useless. DOCTOR: Resistance is useless? Surely you don't expect all the people to welcome you with open arms. DALEK: (Its voice rising in anger.) We have already conquered Earth! DOCTOR: Conquered the Earth! You poor pathetic creatures. Don't you realise, before you attempt to conquer the Earth, you will have to destroy all living matter! DALEK: (Furious: to the ROBOMEN.) Take them! Take them! (The ROBOMEN pinion the arms of the DOCTOR and IAN behind their backs and push them away. Behind them, the DALEK gives out an angry chant.) DALEK: We are the masters of Earth. We are the masters of Earth. We are the masters of Earth! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. MAIN ROOM (In their underground bunker, the rebels are gathered in the main room. Round a central table and elsewhere in the room, all should be busy at various tasks, cleaning weapons etc, but at this moment in time all listen rapt to the voice of a DALEK coming from a makeshift radio. DORTMUN sits at the head of the table. BARBARA and SUSAN sit on bench on one side of the room. TYLER sits on the other side of the room.) DALEK: (OOV: on radio.) Survivors of London: The Daleks are the masters of Earth. Surrender now and you will live. Those wishing to surrender must stand in the middle of the street and obey orders received. Message ends. DORTMUN: Obey motorised dustbins! We'll see. (There is laughter in the room.) DORTMUN: Tyler, I want a word with you. (DORTMUN wheels himself out of the room. TYLER goes to follow but stops when he catches sight of BARBARA and SUSAN.) CARL TYLER: Jenny? (A young blond haired, hard-faced girl steps forward.) CARL TYLER: see if you can find them some food will you? And look after her ankle. JENNY: Alright. CARL TYLER: (To BARBARA and SUSAN.) You'll keep you eyes open for David Campbell. He'll be back soon with news of your friends. (He walks out of the room.) JENNY: (To BAKER, the radio operator.) Any messages from any other survivors? BAKER: No, the Africa group has faded out completely. (She turns to the two women.) JENNY: Who's the one with the bad foot? SUSAN: Me. JENNY: Well, lets have a look then. (JENNY takes SUSAN'S shoe off and examines her ankle, twisting it from side to side with little gentleness or compassion.) SUSAN: Ow! JENNY: Hmm, the're no bones broken. Why didn't you, er, put a wet bandage on it? BARBARA: Oh, we've only just arrived. JENNY: I see. Well, I'll see to this. (To BARBARA.) You get the food. (BARBARA hesitates.) JENNY: Well what're you waiting for? BARBARA: Well, where do I get the food? JENNY: (Pointing across the room.) Oh, over there and while you're at it, sign both your names down for a work detail. BARBARA: Well, Susan can't work until her ankle's better. JENNY: She can do something with her hands sitting at a table, can't she? (BARBARA raises her eyes to SUSAN and goes to do as instructed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. DORTMUN'S OFFICE (DORTMUN is pointing to a map on a table.) DORTMUN: But look, look! There! We must attack them, Tyler. CARL TYLER: That sounds fine, but how? We can find fifteen, perhaps twenty men. DORTMUN: Ample. CARL TYLER: Oh, what are you talking about, "ample"? A handful of unarmed men against Daleks? DORTMUN: Sometimes, I wonder about you, Tyler. CARL TYLER: This isn't the twentieth century, Dortmun, when thousands of men with bayonets charged machine guns. DORTMUN: Don't lecture me! CARL TYLER: Then don't ask the impossible! You've not been out there for ages. It's almost suicide. DORTMUN: Oh, yes alright, I know, I'm in this wheelchair, so I can't go myself. CARL TYLER: I didn't mean that. You know I didn't mean that. (DORTMUN pushes his chair back slightly, reaches into a box and takes out a silver grenade like device. He places it on a stand on the table.) CARL TYLER: The new bomb? DORTMUN: Yes. It's finished. CARL TYLER: You haven't had it tested, I suppose? DORTMUN: Tested? Don't be a fool. It doesn't need testing. It's all there in my formula. It's perfect. I tell you this bomb will destroy the Daleks. I know. It will work! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. MAIN ROOM (DAVID CAMPBELL climbs through a hatch into the room. He passes a box through to a colleague.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Apples. There are apples there for everyone. Jenny, you should be pulling [SCENE_BREAK] (As the rebels take the apples out of the box, DAVID crosses to DORTMUN'S office.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. DORTMUN'S OFFICE DORTMUN: You've been down here so long that you're beginning to think like worms! CARL TYLER: We must have some chance of success. (DAVID CAMPBELL walks in.) DAVID CAMPBELL: I'm reporting in. DORTMUN: Good. Tyler and I have been having a preliminary chat about the next attack. We'll be out soon. DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, I brought a box of apples, incidentally, that department stores got plenty of stuff in it. DORTMUN: Oh, right. CARL TYLER: What about the two men? DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, when I got down to the embankment, I saw them being taken away, but I couldn't do anything. DORTMUN: Oh, that's bad, that's very bad. We could have done with those two men. DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, I'll tell the two women. CARL TYLER: Where were the men taken? Any idea? DAVID CAMPBELL: From the direction they went, I think the Daleks have taken them to the saucer they've landed at the heliport, Chelsea. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. CHELSEA HELIPORT (The DALEK saucer almost fills the Chelsea heliport. Several DALEKS stand around the heliport on patrol. The ramp on the saucer descends. The DOCTOR and IAN are almost thrown into the area by the two ROBOMEN. They stand and stare at the DALEKS.) IAN: Doctor, I don't understand this at all, we saw the Daleks destroyed on Skaro, we were there! DOCTOR: My dear boy, what happened in Skaro was a million years ahead of us in the future. What we're seeing now is about the middle history of the Daleks. IAN: I see. Well, they certainly look different, don't they? (From the other side of the heliport, two men, THOMSON and an older man, CRADDOCK, are escorted in by two ROBOMEN.) DOCTOR: Look, they've taken some more prisoners. What is so different about the Daleks? Oh, I see! You mean the discs on their backs. IAN: Yes, perhaps that accounts for their increased mobility. Do you remember on Skaro, they could only move on metal. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, quite so, but remember, this is an invasion force. Therefore, they have to adapt themselves to the planet. (A DALEK interrogates the ROBOMEN who have brought in THOMSON and CRADDOCK.) DALEK: Where are the other two from your patrol? ROBOMAN: (Pushing CRADDOCK forward.) This man killed them both. DALEK: For this, you will be punished. Continue your patrol. The prisoners will fall in line. (The ROBOMEN walk off. A DALEK pushes the two men towards the DOCTOR and IAN.) CRADDOCK: (Looking at the saucer.) They've got us dead once we get inside there. THOMSON: They're not getting me. I'm going to try something. Are you with me? CRADDOCK: Don't be a fool man, you haven't got a chance. THOMSON: They're not getting me back in that filthy mine. DALEK: The prisoners will remain silent. ROBOMAN: Forward! (The four prisoners walk slowly towards the ramp. As they reach it, THOMSON jumps to one side. A DALEK immediately glides forward. As THOMSON steps back, CRADDOCK tries to grab him but THOMSON struggles free. He slowly steps across the heliport realising his error, but DALEKS glide forward, surrounding him. CRADDOCK tries to run forward to help him but IAN holds him back.) IAN: Don't be a fool! You can't help him now! THOMSON: Help me! (One DALEK, its livery darker in colour to its companions, gives out the death sentence.) DALEK LEADER: Kill him! (They all fire and THOMSON falls to the ground in agony.) DALEK LEADER: (To the three remaining prisoners.) Any further resistance will be dealt with in the same way. FIRST DALEK: The prisoners will proceed into the ship. (They do as instructed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. MAIN ROOM (SUSAN holds a rifle whilst DAVID CAMPBELL cleans it.) DAVID CAMPBELL: No Susan, I don't think we should tell Barbara. SUSAN: But David, I think we should. DAVID CAMPBELL: Now listen Susan, we're going to make an attack on that saucer. So we put off telling her until afterwards. SUSAN: You mean if the attacks successful, we find Ian and my grandfather anyway? DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes, and if it isn't, then they've just disappeared. SUSAN: (Quietly.) Alright. (DAVID walks away with the rifle. JENNY walks up to him with two ROBOMAN helmets.) JENNY: You wanted to see these? DAVID CAMPBELL: Oh, yes. JENNY: Well here you are then, take them, I've got better things to do. DAVID CAMPBELL: Oh, you're a model of charm and patience, aren't you? (He takes them from her.) JENNY: Well, I don't believe in wasting time. And I don't believe in sentiment either. (BARBARA steps forward with the apples.) BARBARA: Help me to give these out, Jenny. JENNY: Oh, just put it down there. (BARBARA throws an apple to SUSAN.) BARBARA: Dessert. SUSAN: Thank you. (She passes an apple to DAVID.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Thank you, Barbara. (BARBARA picks up one if the ROBOMAN helmets from the table where DAVID has placed them.) BARBARA: Oh, what are these things? SUSAN: Oh, they're the Daleks inventions. They're called Robomen. DAVID CAMPBELL: No, Susan. I told you. You've got it wrong. We took these from dead human beings. JENNY: (From the other side of the table.) There aren't that many Daleks on Earth. They needed helpers. So they operated on some of their prisoners and turned them into robots. BARBARA: I see. DAVID CAMPBELL: The transfer, as the Daleks call the operation, controls the human brain. Well, at least for a time. SUSAN: Well, what happens then? BARBARA: Do they revert and become human again? JENNY: No, they die. DAVID CAMPBELL: I've seen the Robo's when they break down. They go insane. They smash their heads against walls. They throw themselves off buildings or into the river. BARBARA: The river? Oo, that's what it was. Oh Daleks! Everything they touch turns into a horrible sort of nightmare. SUSAN: Are they still doing these transfer operations, David? JENNY: Oh yes, they keep up their numbers of Robomen. They got my brother last year. That's another reason why they land their saucers at the heliport. (DAVID gives JENNY a warning look but she continues.) JENNY: That's where the Daleks take the prisoners and operate on them. Once they've got you on board a saucer, there isn't a hope. (SUSAN looks distraught.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. DALEK SAUCER. MAIN AREA (Still guarded by the ROBOMEN, the DOCTOR looks round their surroundings using his monocle.) DOCTOR: Yes, the work of a genius, dear boy. IAN: Yes, pretty impressive. And absolutely escape proof. CRADDOCK: True. DOCTOR: Only on the surface, my friends. ROBOMAN: Move! (Under escort, the three walk across the main room, past control consoles manned by DALEKS, to the cell area.) DALEK: Halt. You will move one-by-one slowly into the prison cell. ROBOMAN: Walk! (IAN and CRADDOCK walk towards the cell. The DOCTOR tries sneaking to one side but is spotted.) DALEK: You! Reverse and move. (The DOCTOR does as instructed. Once inside the cell, a door descends from the ceiling locking them in. On the other side of the saucer, an image of the prisoners inside the cell appears on one of the control consoles observed by the DALEKS. The camera follows and focuses on the DOCTOR.) DALEK LEADER: Is that the one? FIRST DALEK: Yes. He spoke of resistance. SECOND DALEK: His words betrayed greater intelligence than normal in human beings. DALEK LEADER: Give them the test. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. DALEK SAUCER. CELL (CRADDOCK sits on the floor.) DOCTOR: I had a good look into that corridor. Did you notice the television eyes round about? Hmm? IAN: Yes, I did. There aren't any in here. DOCTOR: No. IAN: I'll tell you what I did see, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm? IAN: What I took to be a loading bay door. Of course, it...could be guarded outside. CRADDOCK: It will be. (IAN sits by CRADDOCK.) DOCTOR: Yes, nevertheless it has possibilities. CRADDOCK: What for? You can't get the door open. There's no escape, I tell you. DOCTOR: My young friend, don't be so pessimistic. What is your name by the way? Hmm? CRADDOCK: Craddock, Jack Craddock. DOCTOR: Well, Mr. Jack Craddock, don't be such a defeatist. Our job's to try and get out of here and quickly! CRADDOCK: Ah, you're just fooling yourselves. You don't know the Daleks. Once they've got you inside a saucer, you're finished. IAN: Craddock, tell us: how did it happen, the invasion of Earth, everything? CRADDOCK: You been on a moon station or something? DOCTOR: (Quickly.) Er, ah, yes, quite so. IAN: Yes. CRADDOCK: Well, the meteorites came first. The Earth was bombarded with them about...ten years ago. "Cosmic storm" the scientists called it! Well, the meteorites stopped, everything settled down, and then...people began to die of this new kind of plague. DOCTOR: Yes, that explains your poster, dear boy. Germ bombs, hmm? CRADDOCK: Yeah, the Daleks were up in the sky just waiting for Earth to get weaker. Whole continents of people were wiped out. Asia, Africa, South America. They used to say the Earth had a smell of death about it. IAN: Why Craddock? What were the doctor's and the scientists doing about it? CRADDOCK: Ah, well, they came up with some new kind of drug, but it was too late then. IAN: Why? [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. MAIN ROOM (SUSAN is being told the same story by DAVID CAMPBELL as he and BARBARA sort out bandages.) SUSAN: What happened next? DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, the plague had spilt the world into tiny little communities. Too far apart to combine and fight and too small individually to stand any chance against invasion. BARBARA: Divide and conquer? DAVID CAMPBELL: Mmm. About six months after the meteorite fall, that's when the saucers landed. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. CHELSEA HELIPORT (As DAVID continues to relate the story, the heliport is seen. The ramp descends from the saucer and the main doors open. Four DALEKS glide out and two ROBOMEN carry away the body of THOMSON.) DAVID CAMPBELL: (OOV.) Cities were razed to the ground. Others were simply occupied. Anyone who resisted was destroyed. Some people were captured and were turned into Robomen, the slaves of the Daleks. They caught other human beings and many of them were shipped to the vast mining areas. No one escapes. The Robomen see to that. (Two more ROBOMEN enter the heliport with three more prisoners. Two male and one young blond girl. The young girl is singled out by a DALEK and a ROBOMAN viscously clubs her to the ground.) CRADDOCK: (OOV.) They were our own people, made to work against us! And the Daleks knew that, knew how they humiliated and degraded us. They are the masters of Earth. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. DALEK SAUCER. CELL IAN: But why, Craddock? That's the one thing you haven't told us. What is it that the Daleks want on Earth? CRADDOCK: I don't know. Something under the ground. They've turned the whole of Bedfordshire into a gigantic mine area. IAN: Why? Well, what are they digging for? CRADDOCK: I dunno. DOCTOR: Well, suppose we forget all this blab about Bedfordshire. Have either of you seen this? Hmm? (He moves to the metal rod which holds the cell door in place.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. DALEK SAUCER. MAIN AREA FIRST DALEK: All radio wave bands are open. (The DALEK leader approaches the console and speaks.) DALEK LEADER: Rebels of London. This is our last offer. Our final warning. Leave your hiding places. Show yourselves in the open streets. You will be fed and watered. Work is needed from you but the Daleks offer you life. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. REBEL HIDEOUT. MAIN ROOM (The assembled rebels listen to the broadcast.) DALEK LEADER: (OOV: over radio.) Rebel against us and the Daleks will destroy London completely. You will all die: the males, the females, the descendants. (One young bursts into tears and is comforted by another woman.) DALEK LEADER: (OOV.) Rebels of London. Come out of your hiding places DALEKS: (OOV.) The Daleks offer you life! DORTMUN: Come out of our hiding places! We'll come out of our hiding place. With this! (He holds up one of the bombs.) DAVID CAMPBELL: What is it Dortmun? DORTMUN: This bomb will shatter the casing of the Daleks. DAVID CAMPBELL: Then you've done it! DORTMUN: We don't need to run or hide anymore. We'll make them run. (The people in the room all start talking excitedly at once. DORTMUN waves them into silence.) DORTMUN: Listen carefully. They've issued an ultimatum. We'll give our answer - tonight. Tyler and I have both agreed that the best place for an attack will be the heliport where they land the flying saucers. JENNY: A frontal attack? DORTMUN: Yes. CARL TYLER: (Agreeing but looking unconvinced.) A frontal attack. DORTMUN: Of course. We have the superior weapon, now. One success will give our people hope again. (He struggles to his feet.) One victory will set this country, the whole of Europe, alight! That's all we need! One victory! (A cheer goes up from almost all the rebels - except for JENNY who approaches DORTMUN.) JENNY: And the heliport - how do we get within throwing range? CARL TYLER: The heliport's fringed with buildings. We're covered right up to the perimeter. BAKER: The Daleks will fire at us long before we can use the bombs. DORTMUN: It will be a surprise attack. BAKER: As soon as the first bomb is thrown, the surprise is over and we shall be pinned in the buildings, remember? CARL TYLER: Alright Baker, we know we will have to get closer. BARBARA: (Thoughtfully.) I know... DORTMUN: Who's that? Well? BARBARA: We could get right into the middle of the Daleks without them suspecting anything if we use this. (She holds up one of the ROBOMEN helmets.) CARL TYLER: How? BARBARA: Some of your men could disguise themselves as Robomen. They could...pretend to be...escorting a batch of prisoners to the saucer or something. (She passes the helmet to TYLER.) CARL TYLER: It'll work! DORTMUN: Yes! It'll work. We'll attack the saucer in one hour from now. (SUSAN hugs BARBARA. The rebels cheer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. DALEK SAUCER. CELL (IAN examines a strange Perspex box on the floor as the DOCTOR spots an object in CRADDOCK'S hand.) DOCTOR: What is that you've got there? Hmm? CRADDOCK: A magnifying glass. I just picked it up. IAN: Hey Doctor, come and look at this. DOCTOR: Hmm? (The DOCTOR hands the glass back to CRADDOCK as he bends down to examine the box. Completely transparent, a small metal bar rests in the middle of the box. Above it are a series of seven Perspex rods which hang down over the bar. They reduce in length across the row of seven.) IAN: Look, well what do you make of this? CRADDOCK: (Sat on the floor again behind them.) I wouldn't touch it. DOCTOR: Hmm. Let me have that bar up there for a moment, will you? (IAN reaches up to the door where there is an identical metal bar to the one in the box. He passes it to the DOCTOR.) IAN: Is it glass or something? DOCTOR: Er, I should say it was more advanced than that. Well now, lets try a little experiment, hmm? IAN: Alright. (The DOCTOR holds the bar over the one in the box, which twitches slightly.) IAN: Hey! DOCTOR: Hmm? You see, it responds, magnetized. CRADDOCK: A profound discovery, mister! Doesn't help us. (The DOCTOR and IAN turn momentarily to glance at their cynical companion. The DOCTOR'S face shows that he is obviously frustrated with CRADDOCK'S attitude.) IAN: Why did the Daleks put it there in the first place? DOCTOR: Now, that's a very good question, dear boy. Suppose you were a Dalek and you found yourself locked up in this room. How would you get out? Hmm? CRADDOCK: Push the door up? DOCTOR: My dear young man, the Daleks have...only feelers, no hands. They use their brains, not brute force. IAN: You mean this is some sort of a key? DOCTOR: Now that's the very word, a key, a key in a crystal box. You open the box, take out the key and use it. That is precisely what the Dalek would do. IAN: Yes, but what are we going to do, Doctor? (The DOCTOR places a hand on IAN'S shoulder and looks directly up at the ceiling.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Look at that little light up there. Hmm? IAN: Yes, I see...(Looks down.)...and the box is transparent. DOCTOR: Quite... (The DOCTOR gets on his feet and reaches for the magnifying glass that CRADDOCK still holds.) DOCTOR: Let me have that little thing, will you? CRADDOCK: What this? DOCTOR: Yes, that! (He takes it.) Thank you. (He holds the glass between the ceiling light and the back of his hand to test the image produced.) DOCTOR: Now, we have to...we have to make sure that we...hit the correct refractive, otherwise we shall get showered with crystal glass. CRADDOCK: (Getting up.) Ah, refractive rubbish! The Daleks don't leave things like this about for you to help yourselves! DOCTOR: My dear boy, if they had to deal with a man of your talents, they need hardly fear, need they? Now do sit down and rest, please. (CRADDOCK walks away looking bored but does not sit down.) DOCTOR: Oh dear, now where were we? Ah, yes, of course, yes, yes, yes. Now, X equals gamma, now er, that means roughly two and a half percent, so that should give us a curve of round about eighty degrees! Oh, by the way, did you take three-dimensional graph geometry at your school? Hmm? IAN: No, Doctor. Only Boyles law. DOCTOR: What a pity, what a pity! So we shall have to boil this down now, shan't we? (He laughs.) Well, now then, lets see, we'll start third from the left and then I'll follow it from the right and straight over. Right, now put that bar there. (IAN holds the bar to one side of the box where there is a hole for the companion bar within to exit from.) IAN: Right. DOCTOR: And watch your eyes because, you know, it might be nasty. Are we ready? (CRADDOCK sits back on the floor but can't help watching the DOCTOR'S actions with contempt. The old man holds the magnifying glass between the light and the Perspex box, running the light over the Perspex rods.) CRADDOCK: (Laughs.) And the great big Pumkin tu... (The bar in the box suddenly shoots out. IAN takes hold of it.) CRADDOCK: Hey! Look at that! DOCTOR: (Passing CRADDOCK the glass.) Hold that and shut up, will you? Pay attention. (To IAN.) Let me have a bar please. IAN: (Passing him a bar.) You know, Doctor, some times you astound me. DOCTOR: Only sometimes, dear boy? Oh, what's happened to your memory? Don't you remember, we know that the Daleks can use static electricity? IAN: Of course! CRADDOCK: Hey, how do you know so much about them? The Daleks, I mean? IAN: Oh, we, er, met them once before. DOCTOR: Yes, and we happened to outwit them too. Now please go away will you? (The DOCTOR gently pushes CRADDOCK to one side and approaches the door, held shut by a long metal rod.) DOCTOR: Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, now all we have to do is to slide this bar back here... CRADDOCK: All? DOCTOR: ...And the se...and the self same bar slides back into place here, through electricity. IAN: And, it's held in place by magnetic force? DOCTOR: Precisely, (To CRADDOCK.) now I want you to give him a hand in a minute. (To IAN.) Just turn that pole under there, will you? Hmm. There, you see? (The DOCTOR and IAN hold the two metal bars between the metal rod. There is a strong force of magnetism.) IAN: I see what you mean! Like poles repel, eh? DOCTOR: Yes! Precisely! Now we've created a force field! Right now, turn the pole round. (IAN turns his metal bar round to try and force the rod back. The magnetic force is increased considerably.) DOCTOR: (To CRADDOCK.) Now come on, give him a hand, quickly! Come on, come on! (They hold the two bars in place with difficulty and the metal rod shoots to one side. The cell door slides upwards.) IAN: You're a genius! DOCTOR: Yes, and there are very few of us left! Now, lets get out. Be crafty! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. DALEK SAUCER. MAIN AREA (They exit the cell and are immediately surrounded by two DALEKS and two ROBOMEN.) DALEK: You have passed the test we set you - take him! (The two ROBOMEN grab the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Let go of me, take you hands off me! IAN: Where are you taking him? (IAN struggles to free the DOCTOR.) DALEK: He will be robotised. (IAN and CRADDOCK are thrust back in the cell. The door slides shut again and the DOCTOR is led away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. CHELSEA HELIPORT (NIGHT) (Night has fallen over the heliport. Searchlights pass over the area as the ever vigilant DALEKS and ROBOMEN patrol. The ramp descends and a DALEK glides out. Arriving in a ruined building on the edge of the heliport, BARBARA, SUSAN and DAVID CAMPBELL rise up out of hiding from behind a window sill.) DAVID CAMPBELL: There they are. (They see the DALEKS and ROBOMEN. One of the latter picks up the body of the young dead blond girl who was clubbed to the ground earlier on.) SUSAN: Now, what do we do? DAVID CAMPBELL: As soon as Tyler's attack group arrives, we start throwing these. (He passes some bombs to them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. DALEK SAUCER. ROBOTISATION AREA (The DOCTOR is held fast by two ROBOMEN.) FIRST DALEK: The prisoner will move to the table. (They drag him to the operating table.) SECOND DALEK: Take off his coat. (The ROBOMEN take the DOCTOR'S coat off.) SECOND DALEK: Anesthetise him. DOCTOR: Oh no...no, no, please, what are you doing? (The ROBOMEN place the struggling DOCTOR underneath a large device which hangs above the table.) DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, let me go now, please, let me go, argh! [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. CHELSEA HELIPORT (The rebels, disguised as bogus Robomen and prisoners walk into the heliport and approach the saucer. DAVID, BARBARA and SUSAN observe them from their hiding place.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Stand by! (A DALEK approaches the rebel group.) FIRST DALEK: Take the prisoners into the ship. (They move forward a few steps.) FIRST DALEK: Wait, in which sector were these prisoners taken? BAKER: (Disguised as a Roboman.) Sector four. FIRST DALEK: No patrol has been ordered in sector four. DAVID CAMPBELL: Now! (The three throw their bombs. The DALEKS look round in confusion for their attackers.) SECOND DALEK: Attack warning! Attack warning! Attack warning! FIRST DALEK: Get the prisoners inside. (The rebel group enter the ship.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Get down! (The three duck out of site as the DALEK fire power hits the building. The wall beneath the sill blisters and burns.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Alright, lets go. (The three run off. A moment later another attacking rebel makes for the window but is shot down. The heliport is now full of DALEKS and ROBOMEN.) DALEK: Section five, move forward. Seal off the area. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. DALEK SAUCER. MAIN AREA (The rebels are in the main area. TYLER gets his gun out as the disguised Robomen take off their helmets.) CARL TYLER: Now, spread out. Try and free the prisoners before you use those bombs. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. DALEK SAUCER. ROBOTISATION AREA (Screened off from the main area, the operation continues.) FIRST DALEK: (OOV: over tannoy.) We are under attack! Report to main ramp. General alert! report to main ramp! (The ROBOMAN steps forward to obey the order but the DALEK LEADER stops him.) DALEK LEADER: Disregard. Commence the operation. (A piston type device in the machinery above the DOCTOR moves up and down as the transfer begins...)

Plan: A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? A: the 22nd century; Q: What century is it when the TARDIS returns to London? A: bodies; Q: What is in the river? A: the docklands; Q: Where is the quiet? A: The Daleks; Q: Who has invaded London? Summary: The TARDIS returns to London; however, it's the 22nd century. With bodies in the river, and quiet in the docklands, the city is a very different place. The Daleks have invaded and it's up to the Doctor to thwart them once again.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross's secret marriage.] Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn't tell me that we are still married!! Ross: Look I was going to tell you! Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn't get the annulment; we are still married. Chandler: What? Monica: You're kidding! Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!! Monica: Ross! Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision. But I just couldn't face another failed marriage. Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage? Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it's actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it's best not to think about it. Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core! Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew. Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness! Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you're not married to anymore of us are ya? Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.] Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber's note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I'd have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours? Gunther: Yeah, that's what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years! Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys? Monica: Joey, why don't you put them in the lost and found? Joey: There's a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.) Chandler: You left a shoe here?! Joey: Well, I didn't realize until I got home. I wasn't gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y'know what? I'm gonna go find that guy's car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.) Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I'll be sure to give him your shoe. Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.) Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?! Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great! Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right. Phoebe: Okay, well I'll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they're not actually puppies, they're Frank and Alice's triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.) Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What? Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I'm nervous 'cause I've never done that before by myself! Monica: Don't worry about it Phoebe, we'll absolutely do it. Chandler: Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 'Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies. Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It'll give us great practice for when-(realizes what she's about to say and changes)-people with babies come to visit. [Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.] Guy #1: Nice car! Joey: Yeah, it's not mine. Woman: (walking up) I love your car. Joey: Yeah, it's (looks up and sees the woman) mine. Woman: I bet it's fast. Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats? Woman: Yeah! Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It's got 'em! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.] Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross's, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now. Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don't have a roommate. Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs. Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate! Rachel: Well there's an idea!! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for? Phoebe: Umm, she said she'd be back December 26th. Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she's Santa Clause. (Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.) Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye. Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I'll take care of everything. Rachel: Well sure, if you say you're gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I'm gonna do this my way and I don't want to hear a peep out of you! Ross: Okay Rach, but... Rachel: Op! You're peeping! (Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.) Rachel: Ross! Y'know what, I just got-why? Why did you do this?! Ross: Look I told you... Rachel: I don't wanna hear "Three failed marriages!" Ross: Look, if you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand! Rachel: Well, y'know what? Thanks to you I'm half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don't think I have ever been this angry! Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break? Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.] Monica: Pheebs, how's it going? Phoebe: (rapidly) I'm doing okay. I think it's going well. Do you think they're having fun? Am I talking to fast? Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it's going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler. Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It's times like these I'm glad Smell-O-Vision hasn't been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you're done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.) Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies. Chandler: See that's where I think that you're wrong. We've been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense. Monica: What do you mean? Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y'know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around... (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.) Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping. Chandler: Okay, I'm a rookie. I should not be in the end zone. [Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.] Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant. Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered. Joey: (entering) Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I'm having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I've got the keys too, still there! Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys. Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I'm with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments. Chandler: What equity investments? Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they're gonna start to think that I don't own it. So I figured I'll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow? Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound. Chandler: You don't even have a car! Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it. Chandler: And? Monica: And six others. Chandler: There you are. [Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.] Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130. Guy #2: Wow! Joey: And that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate. Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate? Joey: Sure! Guy #2: Well, I'll see you later. Joey: Okay, take it easy. The Porsche Owner: Hey! That's my car. Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it. The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing? Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I'm just polishing her up. The Porsche Owner: But it's my car! Joey: Yeah, but it's my wax. The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don't come to this city much so I don't know if you're crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys. Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I'll uh, save your parking spot. The Porsche Owner: I'm not coming back. Joey: Why not? The Porsche Owner: I live upstate. Joey: Yeah, so did I. (The guy gets in and drives off.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.] Phoebe: I don't know why I was so nervous about this. And I don't know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy. Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that's the same. Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.) Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone's eye out! Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe! Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that's just gonna mess them up. Chandler: They're not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass! Phoebe: What?! Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.) Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep. Monica: Oh it's so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head. Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that. Monica: How are you still single?! Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you're right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy. Monica: Good. What made you change your mind? Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun. Phoebe: How did that happen?!! Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y'know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it's lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.) Monica: Damnit! Y'know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.) [Scene: A judge's chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.] Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment? Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out. Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable. Ross: Fine, I'm mentally unstable. Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user. Ross: What?! Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack. Ross: Crack isn't even an intravenous drug! Rachel: Well, you would know. Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage? Ross: Oh, come on! Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines! Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin. Ross: Okay, I'm sorry, this is insane! I-I-I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now! Judge: That won't be necessary. Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies! Rachel: Ugh! Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem. Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record? Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true? Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think. Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don't qualify for an annulment. If you two don't want to be together you'll have to file for divorce. Ross: (stands up) That's great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form! Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense! Ross: And what-(notices the stenographer is still typing)-What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don't get the annulment. Don't type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He's still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!! Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you're keeping me married too?! Judge: You need to get out of my chambers. Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one! Ross: Yeah! Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail? Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I can't describe it, you'll have to see it when it comes on in your area.] Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back. Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes? Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche. Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes? Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the car! Right? Chandler: That is true. Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun. Joey: Oh, I've been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.) Monica: Joey, you know you don't actually have one. Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I'm in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.) Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It's really poking me. Monica: All right, that's it, we're going to the emergency room. Phoebe: What?! No, you can't, you can't leave me here with them! We're baby-sitting! Monica: The babies are asleep, I'm sure you'll be okay on your own for a while! Phoebe: But you-you can't leave me with them! We-we're a team! We're playing a zone! They're gonna triple team me! Monica: He's got something plastic lodged in his throat, we've got to go to the hospital. Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won't be able to help him, it's just gonna y'know naturally pass through his system in like seven years. Chandler: I think that's gum. Phoebe: I'm pretty sure it's gun. Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let's go. Phoebe: A real man wouldn't just run to the hospital! (They don't stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.) [Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.] Joey: Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche? Passerby: Maybe because you've got the keys? Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche. (Ross and Rachel approach, they're still yelling at each other.) Rachel: This is totally your fault! Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge! Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine!! Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing! Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers? Rachel: Don't call us that! (Storms away) Ross: The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.) Joey: Hey! It's Porsche!! (He's right y'know.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.] Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I'm gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I'll set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? 'Cause let's face it, we're at Monica's. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, that's just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can't answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you're a lot mischievous! Well, it'll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now-who aren't there! (They both have disappeared as well.) [Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monica's apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, it's messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what I'm talking about.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel? Chandler: Well, let's just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours. Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed 'em, bathed 'em, and put 'em to bed. Chandler: And protected them from a tornado? (Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.) Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep. Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?! Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself! Monica: But my apartment! Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe's triumph. Monica: But the mess! Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself. Monica: You're right, you're right I shouldn't freak out. 'Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?! Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!! [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.] Rachel: (deadpan) Oh honey thank God you're home, I was getting worried. Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I've already signed everything and I put little 'X's where you need to sign. Rachel: Oh, little 'X's! Great! That makes up for everything! Ross: Y'know, I-I-you've done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay? Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one! Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married! Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you! Ross: Yeah! Right! (Pause.) Ross: You're right. That's very different. So let's, let's just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What? Rachel: Nothing. (Sits down.) Ross: Okay, can we just sign please? Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.) Ross: Congratulations. (Gets up to leave.) Rachel: Okay Ross, we're-wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession. Ross: What? Rachel: Well, y'know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea. Ross: Excuse me? Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married? Ross: Yeah? Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didn't really, I didn't want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess. Ross: So then if-if-I mean if you think about it, this is all (Pause.) your fault. Rachel: Yeah, don't push it though. Ross: I've got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you. Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn't be a secret, and we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.) Ross: Did I, did I even treat? Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special. Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer's office. Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this. Ross: Eh, no problem. (They hug.) Rachel: I'm gonna need a copy of those. Ross: Totally. (Exits.) Ending Credits [Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.] Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche! Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey. Joey: Hey! How you doin'? Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there! Joey: I'd love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)

Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who forces Ross to get the annulment? A: the annulment paperwork; Q: What does Rachel fill out? A: intravenous drugs; Q: What does Rachel say Ross is addicted to? A: Conchata Ferrell; Q: Who played the judge? A: a divorce; Q: What does the judge rule that Ross and Rachel must obtain? A: Joey; Q: Who tries to impress girls by pretending to own a Porsche? A: its keys; Q: What did the owner of the Porsche leave in Central Perk? A: Phoebe; Q: Who recruits Monica and Chandler to help her babysit the triplets? A: the emergency room; Q: Where does Monica take Chandler when he swallows a toy gun? Summary: Rachel forces Ross to get the annulment, though he is still reluctant. As retribution for him lying to her, Rachel fills out the annulment paperwork saying Ross is gay, mentally unstable, and addicted to intravenous drugs. The judge (Conchata Ferrell) then disallows an annulment and rules they must obtain a divorce. Ross is miserable, but cheers up when Rachel confesses that getting married was her idea. Joey tries to impress girls by pretending to own a Porsche, whose owner left its keys in Central Perk. Phoebe recruits Monica and Chandler to help her babysit the triplets, but Monica takes Chandler to the emergency room when he swallows a toy gun, leaving Phoebe alone.