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[0.000 --> 22.200] Okay, now I don't want to alarm anybody in this room, but it's just come to my attention [22.200 --> 26.600] that the person to your right is a liar. [26.600 --> 30.440] So the person to your left is a liar. [30.440 --> 33.640] Also the person sitting in your very seats is a liar. [33.640 --> 35.440] We're all liars. [35.440 --> 39.080] What I'm going to do today is I'm going to show you what the research says about why we're [39.080 --> 44.320] all liars, how you can become a lie spotter, and why you might want to go the extra mile [44.320 --> 47.720] and go from lie spotting to truth seeking. [47.720 --> 50.520] And ultimately to trust building. [50.520 --> 56.560] Now speaking of trust, ever since I wrote this book lie spotting, no one wants to meet [56.560 --> 57.560] me in person anymore. [57.560 --> 58.560] No, no, no, no. [58.560 --> 60.560] They say it's okay. [60.560 --> 63.320] We'll email you. [63.320 --> 67.680] I can't even get a coffee date at Starbucks. [67.680 --> 69.680] My husband's like honey deception. [69.680 --> 71.280] Maybe you could have focused on cooking. [71.280 --> 72.960] How about French cooking? [72.960 --> 78.200] So before we get started, what I'm going to do is I'm going to clarify my goal for you, [78.200 --> 80.320] which is not to teach a game of gacha. [80.320 --> 83.600] Lie spotters aren't those nit picky kids, those kids in the back of the room that are [83.600 --> 88.600] shouting gacha, gacha, your eyebrow twitched, you flared, you're an astral, I watched that [88.600 --> 91.200] TV show lie to me, I know you're lying. [91.200 --> 92.200] No. [92.200 --> 96.360] Lie spotters are armed with scientific knowledge of how to spot deception. [96.360 --> 100.560] They use it to get to the truth, and they do what mature leaders do every day. [100.560 --> 105.600] They have difficult conversations with difficult people, sometimes during very difficult times. [105.600 --> 109.200] And they start up that path by accepting a core proposition. [109.200 --> 111.440] And that proposition is the filing. [111.440 --> 114.600] Lying is a cooperative act. [114.600 --> 115.600] Think about it. [115.600 --> 118.120] A lie has no power whatsoever by its mere utterance. [118.120 --> 121.960] Its power emerges when someone else agrees to believe the lie. [121.960 --> 128.320] So I know it may sound like tough love, but look, if at some point you got lied to, it's [128.320 --> 130.200] because you agreed to get lied to. [130.200 --> 131.720] Truth number one about lying. [131.720 --> 132.760] Lying is a cooperative act. [132.760 --> 135.840] Now, not all lies are harmful. [135.840 --> 141.360] Sometimes we're willing participants in deception for the sake of social dignity, [141.360 --> 144.160] maybe to keep a secret that should be kept secret secret. [144.160 --> 146.160] We say, nice song. [146.160 --> 147.760] Honey, you don't look fat in that. [147.760 --> 148.760] No. [148.760 --> 151.200] Or we say, favorite of the digerati. [151.200 --> 154.280] You know, I just fished that email out of my spam folder. [154.280 --> 156.720] I'm so sorry. [156.720 --> 160.360] But there are times when we are unwilling participants in deception. [160.360 --> 162.800] And that can have dramatic costs for us. [162.800 --> 170.160] Last year saw $997 billion in corporate fraud alone in the United States. [170.160 --> 172.200] That's an eyelash under $1 trillion. [172.200 --> 174.480] That's 7% of revenues. [174.480 --> 175.560] Deception can cost billions. [175.560 --> 181.560] Think Enron, Mat off the mortgage crisis, or in the case of double agents and traders [181.560 --> 185.960] like Robert Hansen or Aldrich Ames, lies can betray our country. [185.960 --> 188.080] They can compromise our security. [188.080 --> 189.360] They can undermine democracy. [189.360 --> 191.960] They can cause the deaths of those that defend us. [191.960 --> 194.720] Deception is actually serious business. [194.720 --> 199.640] This con man, Henry Oberlander, he was such an effective con man. [199.640 --> 203.360] The British authorities say he could have undermined the entire banking system of the Western [203.360 --> 204.360] world. [204.360 --> 205.360] And you can't find this guy on Google. [205.360 --> 206.360] You can't find him anywhere. [206.360 --> 207.360] He was interviewed once. [207.360 --> 208.360] And he said the following. [208.360 --> 210.520] He said, look, I've got one rule. [210.520 --> 211.680] And this was Henry's rule. [211.680 --> 215.600] He said, look, everyone is willing to give you something. [215.600 --> 219.480] They're ready to give you something for whatever it is they're hungry for. [219.480 --> 220.480] And that's the crux of it. [220.480 --> 225.360] If you don't want to be deceived, you have to know what is it that you're hungry for. [225.360 --> 227.120] And we all kind of hate to admit it. [227.120 --> 233.000] You know, we kind of wish we were better husbands, better wives, smarter, more powerful, [233.000 --> 234.560] taller, richer. [234.560 --> 237.000] The list goes on. [237.000 --> 241.640] Lying is an attempt to bridge that gap, to connect our wishes and our fantasies about [241.640 --> 245.720] who we wish we were, how we wish we could be, with what we're really like. [245.720 --> 249.200] And, boy, we're willing to fill in those gaps in our lives with lies. [249.200 --> 254.680] On a given day, studies show that you may be lied to anywhere from 10 to 200 times. [254.680 --> 257.960] And now granted, many of those are white lies. [257.960 --> 263.600] But in another study, it showed that strangers lied three times within the first 10 minutes [263.600 --> 265.040] of meeting each other. [265.040 --> 269.320] Now, when we first hear this data, we recoil. [269.320 --> 270.760] We can't believe how prevalent lying is. [270.760 --> 272.560] We're essentially against lying. [272.560 --> 276.720] But if you look more closely, the plot actually thickens. [276.720 --> 280.640] We lie more to strangers than we lie to co-workers. [280.640 --> 284.400] Extroverts lie more than introverts. [284.400 --> 289.480] And lie eight times more about themselves than they do other people. [289.480 --> 292.600] Women lie more to protect other people. [292.600 --> 297.200] If you're in an average married couple, you're going to lie to your spouse in one out of [297.200 --> 298.600] every 10 interactions. [298.600 --> 300.400] Now, you may think that's bad. [300.400 --> 303.760] If you're unmarried, that number drops to three. [303.760 --> 305.240] Lying's complex. [305.240 --> 308.880] It's woven into the fabric of our daily and our business lives, where deeply ambivalent [308.880 --> 310.120] about the truth. [310.120 --> 314.240] We parse it out on an as-needed basis, sometimes for very, very good reasons, and other times [314.640 --> 317.720] just because we don't understand the gaps in our lives. [317.720 --> 319.360] That's truth number two about lying. [319.360 --> 322.680] We're against lying, but we're covertly for it. [322.680 --> 326.720] It weighs that our society has sanctioned for centuries and centuries and centuries. [326.720 --> 328.680] It's as old as breathing. [328.680 --> 329.680] It's part of our culture. [329.680 --> 331.400] It's part of our history. [331.400 --> 338.480] Think Dante, Shakespeare, the Bible, news of the world. [338.480 --> 341.480] Lying has evolutionary value to us as a species. [341.480 --> 346.520] Researchers have long known that the more intelligent the species, the larger the neocortex, [346.520 --> 349.200] the more likely it is to be deceptive. [349.200 --> 350.680] Now you might remember Coco. [350.680 --> 354.000] Does anybody here remember Coco the Gorilla, who was taught sign language? [354.000 --> 357.200] Coco was taught to communicate via sign language. [357.200 --> 358.200] Here's Coco with her kitten. [358.200 --> 361.800] It's her cute little fluffy pet kitten. [361.800 --> 368.000] Coco once blamed her pet kitten for ripping a sink out of the wall. [368.000 --> 370.200] We're hardwired to become leaders of the pack. [370.200 --> 372.240] It starts really, really early. [372.240 --> 373.240] How early? [373.240 --> 378.480] Well, babies will fake a cry, pause, wait to see who's coming, and then go right back to [378.480 --> 380.560] crying. [380.560 --> 383.760] One year old's learned concealment. [383.760 --> 386.400] Two year old's bluff. [386.400 --> 387.760] Five year olds lie outright. [387.760 --> 390.200] They manipulate via flattery. [390.200 --> 392.720] Nine year olds masters of the cover up. [392.720 --> 395.680] By the time you enter college, you're going to lie to your mom and one out of every five [395.680 --> 397.880] interactions. [397.880 --> 401.880] By the time we enter this work world and we're breadwinners, we enter a world that has [401.880 --> 408.960] just cluttered with spam, fake digital friends, partisan media, ingenious identity thieves, [408.960 --> 413.120] world-class Ponzi schemers, a deception epidemic. [413.120 --> 417.960] In short, what one author calls a post-truth society. [417.960 --> 424.200] It's been very confusing for a long time now. [424.200 --> 426.440] What do you do? [426.440 --> 430.600] Well, there are steps we can take to navigate our way through the morass. [430.600 --> 433.120] Trained lie spotters get to the truth 90% of the time. [433.120 --> 435.920] The rest of us are only 54% accurate. [435.920 --> 437.520] Why is it so easy to learn? [437.520 --> 439.520] Well, they're good liars and they're bad liars. [439.520 --> 440.920] They're no real original liars. [440.920 --> 442.520] We all bake the same mistakes. [442.520 --> 444.520] We all use the same techniques. [444.520 --> 448.400] So what I'm going to do is I'm going to show you two patterns of deception and then we're [448.400 --> 450.600] going to look at the hot spots and see if we can find them ourselves. [450.600 --> 454.600] We're going to start with speech. [454.600 --> 455.760] I want you to listen to me. [455.760 --> 458.000] I'm going to say this again. [458.000 --> 464.520] I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. [464.520 --> 469.680] I never told anybody it's a lie, not a single time, never. [469.680 --> 475.160] These allegations are false and I need to go back to work for the American people. [475.160 --> 477.160] Thank you. [477.160 --> 479.880] Okay. [479.880 --> 481.400] What were the telltale signs? [481.400 --> 486.280] Well, first we heard what's known as a non-contracted denial. [486.280 --> 490.920] Studies show that people who are over-determined in their denial will resort to formal rather than [490.920 --> 492.360] informal language. [492.360 --> 495.000] We also heard distancing language that woman. [495.000 --> 499.920] We know that liars will unconsciously distance themselves from their subject using languages [499.920 --> 500.920] their tool. [500.920 --> 505.080] Now, Bill Clinton has said, well, they tell you the truth. [505.080 --> 507.480] Or Richard Nixon's favorite in all candor. [507.480 --> 511.160] He would have been a dead giveaway for any lie spotter that knows the qualifying language [511.240 --> 513.560] as it's called qualifying language like that. [513.560 --> 516.240] Further discredits the subject. [516.240 --> 521.000] Now if he had repeated the question in its entirety or if he had peppered his account with a little [521.000 --> 525.880] too much detail and we're all really glad he didn't do that, he would have further discredited [525.880 --> 527.640] himself. [527.640 --> 528.640] Freud had it right. [528.640 --> 532.520] Freud said, look, there's much more to it than speech. [532.520 --> 534.920] No mortal can keep a secret. [534.920 --> 538.960] If his lips are silent, he shatters with his fingertips and we all do it. [538.960 --> 541.120] No matter how powerful you are, we all do it. [541.120 --> 543.000] We all chatter with our fingertips. [543.000 --> 550.400] I'm going to show you Dominique Strauss-Con with Obama, who's chattering with his fingertips. [550.400 --> 558.280] Now this brings us to our next pattern, which is body language. [558.280 --> 560.640] With body language, here's what you've got to do. [560.640 --> 565.120] You really got to just throw your assumptions out the door, let the science temper your [565.120 --> 568.840] knowledge a little bit because we think liars fidget all the time. [568.840 --> 572.240] Well guess what, they're known to freeze their upper bodies when they're lying. [572.240 --> 575.040] We think liars won't look in the eyes. [575.040 --> 578.600] Well guess what, they look you in the eyes a little too much just to compensate for that [578.600 --> 579.600] myth. [579.600 --> 585.760] We think warmth and smiles convey honesty, sincerity, but a trained lie spotter can spot a fake [585.760 --> 587.400] smile a mile away. [587.400 --> 591.160] Can you all spot the fake smile here? [591.160 --> 596.960] You can consciously contract the muscles in your cheeks, but the real smiles in the [596.960 --> 597.960] eyes. [597.960 --> 602.460] Those feet of the eyes, they cannot be consciously contracted, especially if you overdo the [602.460 --> 603.460] Botox. [603.460 --> 604.460] Don't overdo the Botox. [604.460 --> 606.760] Nobody will think you're honest. [606.760 --> 608.600] Now we're going to look at the hot spots. [608.600 --> 610.400] Can you tell what's happening in a conversation? [610.400 --> 615.280] Can you start to find the hot spots to see the discrepancies between someone's words and [615.280 --> 616.440] someone's actions? [616.440 --> 620.880] Now I know it seems really obvious, but when you're having a conversation with someone [620.880 --> 625.920] that uses a speck of deception, attitude is by far the most overlooked, but telling of [625.920 --> 627.160] indicators. [627.160 --> 631.040] When honest person is going to be cooperative, they're going to show their own side, they're [631.040 --> 634.200] going to be enthusiastic, they're going to be willing and helpful in getting you to [634.200 --> 635.200] the truth. [635.200 --> 639.480] They're going to be willing to brainstorm, name suspects, provide details. [639.480 --> 644.920] They're going to say, hey, maybe it was those guys in payroll that forged those checks. [644.920 --> 648.600] They're going to be infuriated if they sense the wrongly accused about the entire course [648.600 --> 652.040] of the interview, not just in flashes, they'll be infuriated throughout the entire course [652.040 --> 653.040] of the interview. [653.560 --> 658.200] If you ask someone honest, what should happen to whoever did forge those checks? [658.200 --> 663.280] An honest person is much more likely to recommend strict, rather than lenient punishment. [663.280 --> 668.440] Now, let's say you're having that exact same conversation with someone deceptive. [668.440 --> 674.680] That person may be withdrawn, look down, lower their voice, pause, be kind of herky jerky. [674.680 --> 678.000] Ask a deceptive person to tell their story, they're going to pepper it with way too much [678.000 --> 681.840] detail in all kinds of irrelevant places. [681.840 --> 684.640] And then they're going to tell their story in strict, chronological order. [684.640 --> 689.520] And what a trained interrogator does is they come in, and in very subtle ways, over the [689.520 --> 694.280] course of several hours, they will ask that person to tell their story backwards. [694.280 --> 698.600] And then they'll watch them squirm and track which questions produce the highest volume [698.600 --> 699.600] of deceptive tells. [699.600 --> 700.600] Why do they do that? [700.600 --> 702.360] Well, we all do the same thing. [702.360 --> 705.720] We rehearse our words, but we rarely rehearse our gestures. [705.720 --> 707.920] We say, yes, we shake our heads, no. [707.920 --> 709.280] We tell very convincing stories. [709.280 --> 711.160] We slightly shrug our shoulders. [711.160 --> 715.840] We commit terrible crimes, and we smile at the delight in getting away with it. [715.840 --> 718.920] Now that smile is known in the trade as duping delight. [718.920 --> 722.680] And we're going to see that in several videos moving forward, but we're going to start [722.680 --> 724.080] for those of you that don't know him. [724.080 --> 728.840] This is presidential candidate John Edwards, who shocked America by fathering a child out [728.840 --> 729.840] of wedlock. [729.840 --> 733.080] We're going to see him talk about getting a paternity test. [733.080 --> 738.080] To see now, if you can spot him saying yes while shaking his head, no, slightly shrugging [738.080 --> 739.080] his shoulders. [739.080 --> 741.320] I'm happy to participate in one. [741.320 --> 746.760] I know that it's not possible that this child could be mine because of the timing of events. [746.760 --> 748.480] So I know it's not possible. [748.480 --> 751.520] Happy to take a paternity test, and we'd love to see it happen. [751.520 --> 752.920] Are you going to do that soon? [752.920 --> 754.920] Is there somebody that you can't? [754.920 --> 755.920] I'm only one side. [755.920 --> 760.760] I can only one side of the test, but I'm happy to participate in one. [760.760 --> 765.640] Okay, those head shakes are much easier to spot once you know to look for them. [765.640 --> 770.320] Now there are going to be times when someone makes one expression while masking another that [770.320 --> 773.000] just kind of leaks through in a flash. [773.000 --> 775.680] Murderers are known to leak sadness. [775.680 --> 778.640] Your new joint venture partner might shake your hand, celebrate, go out to dinner with [778.640 --> 781.720] you, and then leak an expression of anger. [781.720 --> 785.400] And we're not all going to become facial expression experts overnight here, but there's one [785.400 --> 789.120] I can teach you that's very dangerous and that's easy to learn, and that's the expression [789.120 --> 790.120] of contempt. [790.120 --> 794.160] Now with anger, you've got two people in an even playing field. [794.160 --> 798.480] It's still somewhat of a healthy relationship, but when anger turns to contempt, you've [798.480 --> 800.080] been dismissed. [800.080 --> 804.800] It's associated with moral superiority, and for that reason, it's very, very hard to [804.800 --> 805.800] recover from. [805.800 --> 807.320] Here's what it looks like. [807.320 --> 811.360] It's marked by one lip corner pulled up and in. [811.360 --> 814.200] It's the only asymmetrical expression. [814.200 --> 818.640] And in the presence of contempt, whether or not deception follows, and it doesn't always [818.640 --> 820.120] follow. [820.120 --> 824.080] Look the other way, go the other direction, reconsider the deal, say no, thank you. [824.080 --> 826.680] I'm not coming up for just one more night cap. [826.680 --> 828.320] Thank you. [828.320 --> 831.840] Science has surfaced many, many more indicators. [831.840 --> 836.680] We know, for example, we know Lyra's will shift their blink rate, point their feet towards [836.680 --> 838.440] an exit. [838.440 --> 842.760] They will take barrier objects and put them between themselves and the person that's interviewing [842.760 --> 843.760] them. [843.760 --> 847.680] They'll alter their vocal tone, often making them make their vocal tone much lower. [847.680 --> 850.080] Now, here's the deal. [850.080 --> 853.480] These behaviors are just behaviors. [853.480 --> 856.040] They're not proof of deception. [856.040 --> 857.040] They're red flags. [857.040 --> 858.040] We're human beings. [858.040 --> 861.520] We make deceptive flailing gestures all over the place all day long. [861.520 --> 863.920] They don't mean anything in and of themselves. [863.920 --> 867.000] But when you see clusters of them, that's your signal. [867.000 --> 868.760] Look, listen, probe. [868.760 --> 870.080] Ask some hard questions. [870.080 --> 872.960] Get out of that very comfortable mode of knowing. [872.960 --> 874.600] Walk into curiosity mode. [874.600 --> 876.480] Ask more questions. [876.480 --> 877.480] Have a little dignity. [877.480 --> 878.960] Treat the person you're talking to with rapport. [878.960 --> 882.320] Don't try to be like those folks on law and order and those other TV shows that pummel [882.320 --> 884.080] their subjects into submission. [884.080 --> 885.080] Don't be too aggressive. [885.080 --> 887.040] It doesn't work. [887.040 --> 890.720] Now, we've talked a little bit about how to talk to someone who's lying. [890.720 --> 892.040] I mean, how to spot a lie. [892.040 --> 895.160] And as I promise, we're now going to look at what the truth looks like. [895.160 --> 897.920] And I'm going to show you two videos. [897.920 --> 899.280] Two mothers. [899.280 --> 900.280] One is lying. [900.280 --> 901.280] One is telling the truth. [901.280 --> 904.600] And these were surfaced by researcher David Matsumoto in California. [904.600 --> 908.680] And I think they're an excellent example of what the truth looks like. [908.680 --> 913.640] This mother, Diane Downes, shot her kids at close range. [913.640 --> 917.040] Draw them to the hospital while they bled all over the car. [917.040 --> 919.520] Claimed a scraggie-haired stranger did it. [919.520 --> 923.280] And you'll see when you see the video, she can't even pretend to be an agonizing mother. [923.280 --> 928.340] What you want to look for here is an incredible discrepancy between horrific events that she [928.340 --> 931.400] describes and her very, very cool demeanor. [931.400 --> 934.320] And if you look closely, you'll see dooping delight throughout this video. [934.320 --> 937.880] But at night, when I close my eyes, I can see Christy reaching her hand out to me while [937.880 --> 939.480] I'm driving. [939.480 --> 942.000] And the blood just keeps coming out of her mouth. [942.000 --> 944.720] And that, maybe it'll fade too with time. [944.720 --> 946.440] But I don't think so. [946.440 --> 956.000] That haunts me the most. [956.000 --> 960.680] Now I'm going to show you a video of an actual grieving mother, Erin Runyon, confronting [960.680 --> 963.720] her daughter's murder and torture in court. [963.720 --> 965.680] Here you're going to see no false emotion. [965.680 --> 968.880] The authentic expression of a mother's agony. [968.880 --> 973.640] I wrote the statement on the third anniversary of the night you took my baby. [973.640 --> 974.640] And you heard her. [974.640 --> 976.640] Then you crushed her. [976.640 --> 978.640] You terrified her. [978.640 --> 981.120] And tell her her heart stopped. [981.120 --> 982.640] And she fought. [982.640 --> 984.640] And I know she fought you. [984.640 --> 987.840] But I know she looked at you with those amazing brown eyes. [987.840 --> 991.600] And you still wanted to kill her. [991.600 --> 993.040] And I don't understand it. [993.040 --> 994.440] And they never will. [994.440 --> 1000.000] OK, there's no doubting the veracity of those emotions. [1000.000 --> 1005.920] Now the technology around what the truth looks like is progressing on the science of it. [1005.920 --> 1012.120] We know, for example, that we now have specialized eye trackers, infrared brain scans, MRIs that [1012.120 --> 1016.360] can decode the signals that our bodies send out when we're trying to be deceptive. [1016.360 --> 1020.960] And these technologies are going to be marketed to all of us as panacea is for deceit. [1020.960 --> 1022.960] And they will prove incredibly useful someday. [1022.960 --> 1028.080] But you've got to ask yourself in the meantime, who do you want on your side of the meeting? [1028.080 --> 1032.280] Someone who's trained in getting to the truth or some guy is going to drag a 400 pound [1032.280 --> 1035.520] electosephalogram through the door. [1035.520 --> 1039.560] Lies spotters rely on human tools. [1039.560 --> 1043.160] They know, as someone once said, characters who you are in the dark. [1043.160 --> 1047.920] And what's kind of interesting is that today we have so little darkness. [1047.920 --> 1050.160] Our world has lit up 24 hours a day. [1050.160 --> 1052.000] It's transparent. [1052.000 --> 1056.240] With blogs and social networks broadcasting the buzz of a whole new generation of people [1056.240 --> 1059.240] that have made a choice to live their lives in public. [1059.240 --> 1063.520] It's a much more noisy world. [1063.520 --> 1070.360] So one challenge we have is to remember, oversharing, that's not honesty. [1070.360 --> 1075.360] Our manic tweeting and texting can blind us to the fact that the subtleties of human [1075.360 --> 1078.120] decency, character, integrity, that's still what matters. [1078.120 --> 1079.960] That's always what's going to matter. [1079.960 --> 1086.160] So in this much noisy world, it might make sense for us to be just a little bit more explicit [1086.160 --> 1088.840] about our moral code. [1088.840 --> 1093.160] When you combine the science of recognizing deception with the art of looking, listening, [1093.160 --> 1096.600] you exempt yourself from collaborating in a lie. [1096.600 --> 1101.240] You start up that path of being just a little bit more explicit because you signal to everyone [1101.240 --> 1102.240] around you. [1102.240 --> 1105.280] You say, hey, my world, our world. [1105.280 --> 1106.720] It's going to be an honest one. [1106.720 --> 1110.720] My world is going to be one where truth is strengthened and falsehood is recognized and [1110.720 --> 1112.200] marginalized. [1112.200 --> 1117.560] And when you do that, the ground around you starts to shift just a little bit. [1117.560 --> 1118.560] And that's the truth. [1118.560 --> 1119.560] Thank you. |