Hello From The Magic Tavern - Episode #1 [fantasy, humor, chat] #C.txt

[ Author: Hello From The Magic Tavern; Title: Episode #1; Tags: humor, chat; Genre: comedy, fantasy ]
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Mysterious Man: Warning…the following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by JackBox Games. Get five hilarious party games in the JackBox Party Pack, from the creators of You Don't Know Jack. Now on Xbox One, PS3, PS4, Steam and more. Go to JackBoxGames.com for more info.
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Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!
(trill)
Arnie: Before we get started, there's a little bit of an expositional road bump that we have to get over. I'm Arnie Niekamp, I'm from Chicago, and I guess it's worth mentioning that Chicago is on the planet Earth. A couple of days ago, I fell through a magical rift behind a Burger King, into a magical land called Foon. Luckily, I happen to have my podcasting equipment with me, and I'm still getting a slight WiFi signal from the Burger King, through the magical portal, so I've decided to host a weekly podcast here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur. And this week I'm joined by a couple of guests, would you guys mind introducing yourselves?
Chunt: Hey, this is Chunt.
Usidore: Hello, I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephisious, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Persuader of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonanen Hoongstanges, and I am also known throughout the realm as Gasmuneus Maestar.
Arnie: pause, amused What was that name again?
Usidore: I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephisious, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, I'm - you know, I've been debating Persuader or Manipulator of Magical Delights? Tell me what you think about that. Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonanen Hoongstanges, and I am also known throughout the realm as Gasmuneus Maestar.
Chunt: And I'm Chunt.
Arnie: So Usidore, I hear you've got a really interesting quest that you're going on-
Usidore: Yes.
Arnie: But before we get to that, I'd like to talk to Chunt a little bit.
Usidore: Uh, okay.
Chunt: Mm-hmm?
Arnie: Just to sort of-
Usidore: The very future of our realm depends on the outcome of my quest, but let's talk to Chunt.
Arnie: That's great, we're gonna tease that out, we're gonna talk about that in the second segment of the podcast-
Usidore: Terrific.
Chunt: We all have things going on.
Arnie: Yeah, exactly, we all have stuff going on.
Usidore: Of course.
Arnie: So when I first appeared in this magical land, and it's called Foon, is that right?
Chunt: Foon, yeah, Foon.
Arnie: And, Chunt you were one of the first people I met, you are a badger?
Chunt: Y-es, and no. I did sort-of stumble upon you while I was hunting.
Arnie: Mm-hmm.
Chunt: I am a badger currently, but I'm sort-of a changeling? See my mom was a manticore and my father was a hunger ghost.
Arnie: A hunger ghost?
Chunt: Mm-hmm. It's a - it's the ghost of someone who died while they were famished?
Arnie: slight laughter Uh-huh.
Chunt: While they were starving.
Arnie: So it's a-
Usidore: Oh lo, beware a hunger ghost, if you ever meet a hunger ghost it shall haunt you for all of your days. Yea, and eat not - not a pretzel around it, nor a creamed cheese, for they shall chase you to the ends of Foon!
Chunt: My dad's pretty cool. But I basically can, y'know, change into different animals.
Arnie: You can – Oh, I didn't realize that!
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: You know, actually, you're the first person I met here, and you were so kind to let me shack up with you for a couple of days.
Chunt: Uh-huh.
Arnie: and I just thought you were a talking badger…but you're, you can change into other things?
Chunt: Yeah, it's not at will, but I can uh, eventually change into different animals.
Arnie: Like, what kind of animals have you been in the past?
Chunt: Been a goat before, several – goat several times. Uh…a bear…eagle…spider…
Arnie: A spider? (laughing) How does this changing process work?
Chunt: It's basically whatever creature I sleep with, I then become in a fortnight.
Usidore: So it's not limited simply to animals.
Chunt: No, it could be –
Usidore: For if you can become a spider, that's an arachnid, and not an animal.
Chunt: I mean…I don't know.
Arnie: When you say 'sleep with' you're, you're, are you sugg-
Chunt: Sex.
Arnie: Sex.
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Usidore: Yes, of course!
Arnie: I've got a lot of questions. Spider, though?
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: How do you have sex with a spider?
Chunt: Well at the time I was a cricket.
Arnie: Okay…follow-up question…
Chunt: Before the cricket, I was a bird…before the bird, I was a cat.
Arnie: So you were just…sexing your way slowly down the food chain?
Chunt: And then back up, yep.
Arnie: And then back up.
Chunt: I have a tapestry that explains the whole thing, it has my whole history-
Arnie: I did see that tapestry in your hovel and I did not realize that it was a sexual tapestry.
Chunt: Yeah, each animal is sort-of…grasping the one in front of it?
Arnie: Uh-huh…
Chunt: So, that's my path. That's my journey.
Arnie: I should have looked more closely at what was going on in that tapestry.
Chunt: sighing Yep, that's my journey.
Usidore: Your gifts may help us on the great quest to save all of Foon.
Arnie: I'm excited to get to your quest-
Usidore: Yes. Okay.
Arnie: We'll get to that in the second segment-
Usidore: Sorry about that.
Arnie: So…where I come from, having sex with animals is a little bit frowned upon-
Chunt: O…kay…
Arnie: Is that not the case here? Like, Usidore, what is the general thought on having sex with animals in Foon?
Usidore: I think we've all fingered a spider.
Arnie: laughing No…
Usidore: It's just a, uh…when you're a young wizard, learning your way about the world, you encounter certain animals out in the wild as you become one with nature, and commune with the powers that be in the universe, and sometimes that happens in a sexual manner, I see nothing strange about this at all.
Arnie: How…how do you even…how would you…I don't think I want an answer, but I don't know how you could physically finger a spider?
Usidore: …Consent?
Arnie: Okay, well that's good, that's a good start. So Chunt, how long have you been a badger?
Chunt: Uh, going on about two weeks now.
Arnie: Two weeks?
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: How often-
Usidore: Not getting any.
Chunt: Yeah, badgers- I mean, I've been scaring off any potential next body.
Arnie: Uh-huh. Okay…
Chunt: Badgers are terrifying, look at me!
Arnie: Y-, I mean, I thought you were kind-of this adorable talking animal. And I'm not, I mean, and please-
Chunt: No, I'm flattered, I'm flattered, no it's fine-
Arnie: Don't take this as an insult, I'm not like, personally interested in having sex with you, I'm just not into having sex with animals.
Usidore: If you were to become one of the Great Blue Tigers, you could help me on my quest. Yea, to save all of Foon, AND WE MUST SAVE FOON!
Arnie: We're gonna' get to that.
Usidore: We're gonna' get to that.
Arnie: We're gonna' get to that quest in just a little bit.
Usidore: I apologize.
Arnie: Okay, so I guess I don't want to dwell on bestiality so much right out of the gate. The listeners aren't familiar with this world at all, and they don't know much – I'd like to talk a little bit about the town that this tavern is based in. It's called Hogface?
Chunt: Mm-hmm. And it's mostly like, vacation destination.
Arnie: Oh!
Usidore: It's a tiny hamlet.
Arnie: Huh.
Usidore: There's a wonderful bed & breakfast.
Chunt: A lot of people come from Foon to escape, you know, The Dark Lord, or just get away from work for a few days…
Usidore: Yea, but they cannot escape The Dark Lord, for his power is ever-reaching and ever-growing, and it is up to us, to TAKE ON THIS QUEST AND DEFEAT THE DARK LORD!
Arnie: Who is the Dark Lord?
Usidore: I, hm…Speak not his name.
Chunt: Not supposed to say his name.
Usidore: The Master, he is often called, or The Dark One, and if you say his name, great ruin shall come unto you and your family.
Arnie: Okay.
Usidore: So speak not this name.
Arnie: I don't know his name.
Usidore: Do not speak it, for words have great power.
Chunt: Don't say it. Don't say his name.
Arnie: I won't say it, I can't say it.
Usidore: Do not spell his name.
Arnie: If I say it, it's an accident.
Chunt: Well, learn the name, so you don't accidentally say it.
Usidore: Do not learn the name! Learning shall bring great ruin upon ye.
Chunt: Think about what a Dark Lord might be named, like think of like, ten possible names, and don't say any of those.
Usidore: Yes, exactly.
Chunt: You know-
Arnie: K..ring…
Chunt: If you thought about it-
Usidore: Don't say them, just think them!
Arnie: Was that ri-?
Usidore: That was not correct.
Arnie: So, if I think of a name that I think (laughing) could be a Dark Lord's name-
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Arnie: Straight up don't say it?
Chunt: Yeah.
Usidore: Don't even say it. We'll make a list later, and we'll write it down, and then we'll burn the list.
Arnie: Will it be a list of names and one of them will be the actual name, but you won't say which one it is?
Usidore: Yeah, I will not write the name, for writing the name, giving it shape, will give him more power. You will write names that you think may be it, and then we shall burn the list. Yes, that's the only way.
Arnie: That seems like a waste of time.
Usidore: And we'll keep making lists until you get it right.
Arnie: I'm not gonna to do that.
Usidore: Ten lists, every week.
Arnie: I'm gonna opt-out on that.
Chunt: It's worth doing, it really is.
Arnie: chuckles
Chunt: For the safety of Foon, it's worth doing.
Usidore: Knowledge of the name will bring ruin onto you, but with knowledge there is also great power, (whispers) and if you accept this power then you can help me in my quest and (unintelligible)
Arnie: We're going to get to this, I swear we're going to get to this quest.
Usidore: I apologize.
Arnie: You mention that Hogface is a vacation destination-
Chunt: Mm-hmm.
Usidore: It's lovely here.
Arnie: I noticed there's this big road, there do seem to be a lot of travelers that kind-of come through Hogface on their way from one part of the-
Chunt: Sure.
Arnie: -kingdom, if that's what it's called, to another. It's this big road, what is it, the North road?
Chunt: It goes by many names. It's called the People's Road, the Youth's Folly, the Fool's Errand, the Questioning Way
Usidore: I've always known it as the Steward's Path.
Chunt: Blistering Trail, Steward's Path, yeah…Ladyface…
Arnie: Ladyface?
Chunt: Yeah, "Just go down, take a left on Ladyface and-" y'know.
Arnie: Is it confusing that it has so many different names?
Chunt: People know what you're talking about.
Usidore: whispering For names have great power and if you accept this power into your heart then you can help me in my quest and we can control and (unclear) The Dark Lord.
Arnie: And feed the Dark Lord?
Usidore: whispering I said defeat, defeat, not-
Chunt: Why would you feed the Dark Lord?
Usidore: I didn't say that.
Arnie: It sounds like he said, did you hear feed the Dark Lord?
Chunt: enunciating Defeat the Dark Lord
Usidore: whispering Defeat the Dark Lord
Chunt: Don't feed the Dark Lord
Arnie: Why are you whispering?
Usidore: whispering at the edge of hearing If you believe in yourself and your power I know that you can help control and defeat the Dark Lord.
Arnie: laughs
Usidore: whispering at the edge of hearing I know that only you can do it. You have been sent to me, to help (unintelligible)
Arnie: I'm not convinced you're saying full words. I can't-
Chunt: He's in his wizard state.
Usidore: whispering nonsense syllables
Arnie: Wizard state?
Chunt: Yes. The most power-shh! The most powerful wizards in the land, when they concentrate will start-
Usidore: suddenly yelling AND THEN WE WILL ALL BE FREE!
Arnie: Stop! You know, that kind of level change, that fast, is hard-
Usidore: I'm sorry, I was in the wizard state
Chunt: See?
Arnie: Okay, maybe (sighs) maybe it's a good idea for us to maybe segue into what is this quest?
Usidore: No, no, no, let's talk about Hogsface.
Chunt: We're basically known for, we're a culinary destination-
Arnie: Oh!
Chunt: Some of the best food you're gonna find in Foon. We're also known for our coastal beaches, and for our gambling. We have a lot of competitions, a lot of gambling, a lot of tournaments going on.
Usidore: Yes.
Arnie: Wow.
Chunt: Hotspot, it's a hotspot.
Arnie: So people love the Foon food here?
Chunt: Yes.
Usidore: Rich, delicious desserts that shall churn your heart into such a blistering, explosive thing, aye, your very soul will reach out of your body if you taste these wonderous delights, and then you shall weep a single tear for you think of the future of Foon and you know that the Dark Lord is growing in power, and that we must do something to defeat him immediately. If only to not gather our forces and take some action to defeat him, we shall all-
Chunt: Here we go, he's going into the wizard state. See?
Usidore: whispering nonsense
Arnie: Oh.
Chunt: Do you notice the change?
Arnie: I do! It's tough, I have to be honest, I'm having trouble following Usidore, the things he says, all the way through.
Usidore: takes an audible breath in
Arnie: Like, even before he starts talking quietly, I find that I'm not really listening anymore.
Usidore: lets an audible breath out, silence
Arnie: whispering He's not breathing.
Chunt: Nope, that's just part of the wizard's state.
Usidore: normally So we have terrific food here.
Chunt: See?
Arnie: Oh! (laughs) Great!
Usidore: Really wonderful culinary delights.
Arnie: So if I'm a visitor - so, most of the people listening are going to be from my world, so - if I'm a visitor from my world to Foon-
Chunt: Again, that was called…?
Arnie: Chicago. Well Earth, well, there's a lot of names.
Chunt: Chicago, okay.
Usidore: drawing out the word Chi-caa-goooo
Arnie: Chicago.
Chunt: How did, can we ask, 'cause we told you the story of Hogface, it seems tit for tat is in order.
Arnie: Sure
Usidore: Yes, aye, tell us more of your world and the great powers that exist there.
Chunt: How did Chicago get its name?
Arnie: How did Chicago get its name? (giggles) I don't know! I don't know, I'm just-
Usidore: Shh, shh! Let me channel my thoughts and focus. Ah, I see here on your device, you have…dots…let me connect to this device and I shall see…yes…ahh…(whispering nonsense)…the Wiiiindy…Ciiiity…(nonsense)
Chunt: This is not the wizard's state, I don't know what this is.
Arnie: This is- (laughs)
Usidore: I tapped into his weefee, and I did see the great story of Chicago, and a great fire did burn. Aye, and like a very phoenix, it did rise out of those flames, even grander than before! Spires like you have never seen, great glistening gods pointing to the very heavens! This is an evil place.
Arnie: And that's how Chicago got it's name.
Chunt: Oh, well…
(trill)
Arnie: Usidore, I'm so sorry, I don't think we have time this week to talk about your quest - I've been reading, I've been wanting to start a podcast, and I've been reading that they shouldn't go too long. A good way to start an-
Chunt: Oh, okay.
Arnie: -an initial listenership is to now overstay your welcome on the first couple of episodes.
Usidore: Well, perhaps I could return on a future…I don't know, a future…what did you call it?
Arnie: Guys, every week I'm going to be recording here in the Vermillion Minotaur, you're welcome to come back as oft-
Usidore: Every week? AYE, THEN I SHALL RETURN UNTIL I HAVE GATHERED THE FORCES THAT SHALL DEFEAT THE GREAT EVIL MASTER AND YEA, THE VERMILLION MINOTAUR SHALL BE SAVED, AND ALL OF HOGSFACE, AND ALL OF FOON! Yes, (whispers) yes I shall return, and then I shall be here every week until you know that it will be safe for you to (continues inaudibly under Arnie)
Arnie: While he's whispering in the wizard's state, I'm gonna remind you to please look up Hello From the Magic Tavern on iTunes, give us a good rating, maybe write us a review, maybe that way people can-
Usidore: whispering…delicious crumpet…
Arnie: Find the podcast and get the word out that not only that this is an entertaining podcast-
Usidore: whispering …whipping cream…
Arnie: -but more importantly, there is another world connected to our world, and that I'm sort-of trying to get the word out about it.
Chunt: Can people look up Chunt?
Arnie: People…I would recommend people DO NOT look up Chunt.
Usidore: whispering…pulled pork…
Arnie: Where I'm coming from, I don't know for a fact that it means anything, but I would not Google image search Chunt. I feel like- I know that you don't know what that is-
Chunt: No offense, no offense taken.
Arnie: But, I feel like it's not…it's not a good thing to look up.
Chunt: Okay.
Arnie: So thank you everybody, so much, and join us next week from the Magic Tavern.
Usidore: normally…a delicious ale to wash it down.
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Mysterious Man: Well, what a fanciful bit of imagining that was! But remember, it's all pretend. Arnie Niekamp plays himself. Usidore the Wizard is played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger is Adal Rifai. All three of them perform with World News Tonight at the iO Theater. This pretend experience is produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, and edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. With music by Andy Poland, and extra audio assistance from Jason Knox. You can find out more about how the show isn't real by visiting www.hellofromthemagictavern.com, or learn more on Twitter, @magictavern. This entire fanciful situation, ha ha, was sponsored by JackBox Games with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about JackBox Games at jackboxgames.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com
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